Chapter Text
Clarke barely got any sleep the night before – she spent most of it tossing and turning and replaying her argument with Bellamy in her head.
She was so angry with him and so frustrated with everything, but most of all she was just done fighting with him. After he said everything – all those wonderfully sweet things – Clarke got angry and couldn’t figure out why so she just turned around and left. It took another hour for her to realize that she was angry because he only told her all those things because they were fighting – not because he wanted to, but because he just wanted to end the fight. Even if they were true, it wasn’t romantic and Clarke didn’t need romance – she just needed Bellamy, but it still hurt that he only finally, finally told Clarke how he felt when they were having a screaming match at three in the morning in her apartment building.
Clarke thought if she had flirted with him or done something to show she was interested as more than a friend, it might help with things, but she also may have been a little bit tipsy and her judgment clouded. The ball had always been in his court. She realized how she felt around the same time his mom got sick so she made a promise with herself that she would never take advantage of him or his vulnerability during that time – even though all she wanted was to wrap him in her arms and protect him from that pain.
So she waited. And waited. And waited. And finally was tired of waiting, but it all blew back in her face. God, she was an idiot. She shouldn’t have pushed him. Bellamy always needed a push when it came to anything for himself, but he tended to come back swinging and that’s what happened. She pushed and he panicked.
Clarke rolled over and looked at the clock on her bedside table – it was ten minutes fast and read 6 A.M. so she knew it was really ten to six. She rolled back into her bed and wrapped the blankets around herself more firmly. She could feel the tears building in her eyes and she pressed her lips together to keep them at bay. Whenever she was sad or lonely, it was Bellamy she called and now she couldn’t even do that.
That’s it, she thought and threw the covers back before storming to the bathroom. She was getting her best friend back even if it would kill her to do it.
Within ten minutes, she had brushed her teeth and washed her face from last night’s makeup and tears. She pulled on a semi-clean pair of jeans and was looking for a clean shirt when she realized how long it had been since she had done laundry. She pulled out an old plaid shirt from high school that probably belonged to Wells or her dad.
Clarke threw her hair into a messy bun and shoved her feet into her Converses before storming out of the apartment. She barely remembered the train ride to Bellamy’s apartment because she was replaying everything from the night before.
Because I have been in love with you for so long that I don’t even know what it’s like to not love you.
Her heart soared every time she replayed that particular part – so much she just kept repeating the words back to herself for most of the ride.
The closer she got to his door, the more the anger came back. It didn’t matter how many times she replayed the sweet words because sooner or later the anger she felt when she walked away from him came creeping back in.
Just as she got to the door, it was opened and Miller was standing there in his police uniform with a bag slung over his shoulder.
“Oh, hey, Clarke. Looking for Bellamy?”
“Yeah,” Clarke took a deep breath.
“He’s in his room. I heard him up and moving around. Are you okay?”
Clarke took a deep breath, “I’m fine. Thanks, Miller.”
“Right. Well, I’ve got patrol today so – I’ll see you around,” Miller quickly slipped passed her and made his way down the hall.
Clarke walked into the apartment and shut the door behind her. She glanced around the apartment and listened and sure enough she could hear Bellamy moving around his room. Clarke stormed down the hallway praying to whatever entity was up there that he did not go back to a bar last night and pick some girl up. Then she winced guilty when she realized that wasn’t fair of her to assume he went back to his old ways.
Clarke didn’t bother knocking just opened his door and stormed in. Bellamy was standing on the other side of his room and looked like he had been pacing before she entered.
Bellamy stopped and faced her before crossing his arms over his chest and just stood there and waited for her to begin. She should have expected that. The ball may have always been in his court, but he bounce-passed that thing so quick last night that she lost it and had to bring it back – and yeah, she was spending too much time with this guy if she was now making sports references in her head.
“You, asshole,” Clarke muttered quietly and crossed her arms over her chest to mirror his pose. “Years. I have waited years for you to say those things to me. And when you finally say it. It has to be while we’re having a screaming match at three in the morning in the middle of the lobby of my apartment building. That’s how you tell a girl you love her.”
It wasn’t a question, but she raised an eyebrow expecting a response.
“You’re unbelievable. I can’t do anything right for the perfect princess, can I? Even my love confession is wrong!” Bellamy took a deep breath before dropping his arms and his shoulders sagged. “Clarke, I’m not that guy. I’m not the big declaration of love with an armful of flowers guy. I don’t think about that stuff. I didn’t even mean to say it last night. You were just so – I don’t know and I just – I’m sorry. I’ll figure it out. Nothing has to change. I’ll just – I don’t know, get over it or something.”
By the time he was done speaking, he was rubbing the back of his neck and looking at his feet and Clarke had to smile to herself a little. Even after everything, he still didn’t realize that she felt the exact same way.
Clarke took a deep breath and the words just flowed from her, “I have been in love with you for so long that I don’t even know what it’s like to not love you. I know this because you rub the back of your neck when you’re embarrassed or nervous. You run a hand through your hair when you’re frustrated or down your face when you’re exasperated – especially with Octavia or Jasper. You worry about everything even if you don’t need to. You have so many different smiles. You have one that’s cocky, one that’s smug, one that’s more of a smirk, one that’s half a grin, but my favorite two that I work really hard to get out of you are the blinding one you send my way when you’re completely and unabashedly happy and the shy one I get when you’re surprised and happy and not really sure what to do because you don’t know what it’s like for someone to love you like you love them. And I did what I did at the bar not because I just want one night with you, but because I want all the nights with you and I have been trying to give you time and space to mourn your mom, but I’m scared if I give you too much time, I’ll lose you and I can’t lose you, Bell, because you’re the only thing I want in this life.”
Bellamy’s head had snapped up after her first sentence and he stood there slack-jawed and just staring at her. Clarke watched his Adam’s apple bob a few times and his mouth even opened and closed twice like he was trying to figure out what to say.
“Clarke,” Bellamy’s voice came out as a croak and he cleared it before continuing. “Clarke, this isn’t – are you sure?”
Clarke could feel the grin splitting her face as she nodded, “Of course I’m sure, Bell. Why wouldn’t I be sure? God, you ruin everything.”
“Shut up,” Bellamy grinned at her as he crossed the room and cradled her face in both his hands. “I’m going to kiss you now.”
“Finally!” Clarke’s laugh was cut off by his lips on hers and all other thoughts of teasing him went right out of her mind as she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him closer.
Bellamy’s hands slid down her neck and around her back to land on her hips as he pulled her into him too.
The kiss started out slow and tentative, but soon she bit his lower lip and he opened his mouth to gasp and Clarke didn’t hesitate to slide her tongue into his mouth to meet his. She had waited long enough for this. She wasn’t going to wait anymore when it came to Bellamy because he was worth the risk.
“Clarke,” Bellamy mumbled against her lips before pulling away to rest his forehead against hers and they both paused to catch their breaths.
“God, I love you,” Bellamy said quietly and Clarke’s heart soared.
“Good, because I love you, too,” Clarke grinned and leaned up to kiss him again, but at the last minute he turned his head so her lips caught his cheek.
“What?” Clarke sighed as Bellamy’s we need to talk face registered.
“I just – I want to do this right. I want to take this slow. Take you on dates and treat you like the insufferable princess you are,” Bellamy grinned at her, but Clarke could see the nervousness underneath.
“How slow is slow?” Clarke raised an eyebrow as she played with the hair at the nape of his neck.
“I don’t know. I’ve – I haven’t done this before. It’s why I want to do it right.”
A slow smile crossed her face as she saw the pink in Bellamy’s cheeks spreading to the tips of his ears.
“God, you’re adorable,” Clarke muttered before leaning up and pressing a chaste kiss on his lips.
“I am so not adorable,” Bellamy huffed, but Clarke just laughed and shook her head before taking a step back.
“Three dates.”
“What?” Bellamy reached out and pulled her back towards him.
“Three dates tends to be the accepted time frame,” Clarke laughed as he buried his nose in her hair.
“Okay,” he mumbled. “Three dates. That’s like a long time, isn’t it? Don’t I have to wait like two days after the first date before calling you or something?”
Clarke threw her head back laughing and when her eyes met Bellamy’s she saw all that love swimming in his eyes.
“Is it your goal to follow every dating cliché after you tell me you love me?”
“Clarke,” Bellamy whined.
“Bell,” Clarke cut him off and placed both hands on either side of his face. “I don’t care how many dates we go on or when you call me. All I care about is that you love me and I love you. The rest is just semantics.”
“How romantic those semantics,” Bellamy grinned and Clarke shook her head.
“Says the guy who gave the most romantic speech I think I have ever heard and then claimed to not be a romantic.”
“We’re not having sex,” Bellamy finally blurted out.
“I wasn’t planning to – yet,” Clarke gave him a sly grin.
“God,” Bellamy leaned in and captured her lips with his again and she took his distraction to walk them towards his bed where she pushed him down and fell with him.
“What did I just say, princess?” Bellamy whispered in her ear as he began to lay kisses below her ear and down the side of her neck while rolling them over.
“No sex,” Clarke breathed out distracted by his descent.
Bellamy quickly pulled away and Clarke whined at the loss of his lips on her. “What?” She huffed out – too breathlessly for her liking.
“Where did you get this shirt?” Bellamy pulled at the front of the too large shirt which she had rolled the sleeves up and tucked in most of the shirt to overcompensate for it being clearly too big. It obviously wasn’t her dad’s like she originally thought.
“Um, I don’t know. I haven’t done laundry in like three weeks so this was the only thing I could find. I think it’s from high school or something. It’s my dad’s, obviously.”
“No, it’s not,” Bellamy slipped a finger in between two buttons and began drawing lazy circles on her stomach – distracting her.
“Yes, it is. It’s not Wells’ – I swear.”
“I’d have a hard time believing that, princess,” Bellamy grinned before leaning down to whisper in her ear. “This was my favorite shirt. I have been looking for this shirt for years and you’re telling me you have no idea where it came from.”
Clarke’s breath caught as a memory slammed back into her. Bellamy was home visiting and doing laundry and Clarke and Octavia had got caught in a rainstorm. Octavia had just grabbed the closest thing she could find and handed it to Clarke to wear. The girls ended up in big shirts and Octavia’s tiny dance shorts on the couch watching movies while their clothes dried.
Clarke grinned before removing her hands from Bellamy’s hair and letting her fingers drift back to the buttons, “Well, if you want it back that much.”
Clarke barely got one button through the hole before Bellamy’s hand came up to wrap around hers and hold her hand to her chest.
“Nope,” Bellamy groaned. “Doing this right, Blake. Doing this right.”
Clarke laughed loud and bright, “Giving yourself a pep talk there, Blake?”
“You have no idea how many times I’ve had to give myself a pep talk,” Bellamy sighed and dropped his head to her shoulder.
“Really?” Clarke asked softly. “How many?”
“I don’t remember, but it’s been a few years so it can number from one a day to about a hundred – depending on what you were doing.”
Clarke smiled softly and pulled Bellamy’s head up by his hair and placed a sound kiss on his lips. “Tell me more.”
Bellamy rolled off of her and pulled her to lay half on top of him as she curled around him.
“What do you want to know?”
“Everything,” Clarke smiled as she buried her face in his chest and heard his laugh under her ear.
“Well that might be too much. Want to try narrowing it down for me?”
Clarke turned her head to rest her chin on his chest, “When did you realize you first liked me? Like just as a friend. When did you stop hating me so much?”
“When you were five,” Bellamy answered without hesitation.
“We met when I was five,” Clarke rolled her eyes and jabbed him in between the ribs and smiled at his grunt in response.
“I never hated you, Clarke. I resented that you had this perfect life and you came bouncing into Octavia’s life and it went from Bellamy tell me about this to Clarke said that. I guess I was just a little jealous that Octavia found someone else.”
Clarke smiled and leaned up to press a kiss on his jaw, “You know you’re still her favorite person. I was always kind of jealous of the relationship the two of you had.”
“Always wanted an annoying little sister who follows you around,” Bellamy grinned.
“No,” Clarke smiled softly. “I always wanted someone to love me unconditionally and always have my back through the good and the bad and would always be on my side.”
Clarke watched as the deepest blush she had ever seen cross Bellamy’s face as he remembered her telling him the same words when he was worried about Octavia and Lincoln.
“Or maybe I just really wanted my own Bellamy Blake,” Clarke buried her smile in his chest as he laughed out loud.
“Ha. Ha. Very funny,” Bellamy cleared his throat. “What about you?”
“What about me?” Clarke tilted her head to meet his eyes.
“When did things change for you?”
“I don’t think anything ever changed. I think you’ve always been my person. But I realized that meant something more when I thought you slept with Raven.”
“Clarke -” Bellamy started sounding pained.
“Bell, don’t worry about it. I know nothing happened. But I just realized I didn’t want to lose you.”
“You wouldn’t have lost me, Clarke.” Bellamy was shaking his head.
“No. I would have eventually. Someone would have come along and they would have had every right to be your person and for you to be theirs.”
“What do you mean by person?” Bellamy raised an eyebrow skeptically. “The last time I heard that phrase was when Grey’s Anatomy came out and you and Octavia would scream that you were each other’s person.”
Clarke laughed tucking her face into his chest. “It’s a different kind of person than that.” Clarke paused thinking it through. “Well maybe not. You’re the person I turn to whenever I need anything - whether it’s good news, or bad news. You’re always the first person I want to tell. And you’re the person I want to share everything with.”
“Okay?” Bellamy looked confused when she picked her head up to look at him. “That sounds a lot like on Grey’s Anatomy.”
Clarke smiled. “Except on Grey’s Anatomy, Meredith and Christina’s person was not the person it should have been. It was great for female empowerment. But it should have been the person they were planning to spend the rest of their lives with. That’s who your person should be - your partner in life. Plus, you make a much better McDreamy than what’s his name.”
“You want to spend the rest of your life with me?” Bellamy sounded funny and when Clarke turned around to look at him he had this goofy grin on his face.
Clarke rolled her eyes, but could feel a blush starting on her chest and working its way up to her face. “Of course, you idiot. Were you not paying attention to the big love confession I just gave you?”
Bellamy grinned before pressing a hard and fast kiss onto her lips. “Please, do tell me more.”
“No,” Clarke said around a huge yawn. “Your ego is big enough already.”
Bellamy chuckled before sliding down further on the bed to get more comfortable and Clarke curled into his side.
“Alright, princess. Just this once I’ll let that ego comment go. But as soon as you wake up you’ve got some explaining to do.”
Clarke smiled. “I can hear you yawning, Bell. Don’t act like you’re not just as tired.”
“Whatever,” Bellamy grumbled and if he said anything else, Clarke lost it as she fell asleep quickly.