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Chapter Text

It was the perfect hiding spot; tucked away under the jungle gym at the edge of the park, only two ways in or out blowing up Andrew's chances of escaping, and none of the adults could see him. And at only five, he was able to scare away any kid who came near it- it was his spot and he couldn't be happier. Andrew's new foster family seemed nice so far, a mom and a dad with happy smiles in a nice house that didn't smell or have bugs and little furry things running around trying to take the little bit of food that existed, but he knew it was only a matter of time before those smiles turned into frowns and warm hands turned into heavy ones. So he found a really good hiding spot that was his and his alone. 

Which was why, when Andrew crawled into his hiding spot and found another small boy with really pretty red hair and really bright blue eyes hiding in the tunnel with his knees pulled up to his chest, he was really annoyed. Andrew was sure that was what the funny feeling in his belly was because he was annoyed at the kid for being in his space. Andrew didn't like the feeling, therefore he didn't like the kid. 

"Get out." Andrew ordered, crawling into the space so he could push the boy out. It was his space. 

The boy looked at Andrew, his bright blue eyes widened and the fuzzy feeling in Andrew's belly only got worse. Andrew had to get rid of him. "This is a public space." He said. He wrapped his arms around his knees, pushing them towards him more. 

"This is my space." Andrew argued. He moved closer to the boy, doing his best to ignore the fuzzy feeling in his belly. He was an iron wall that didn't feel emotions. Although, he had never seen an iron wall so he wasn’t sure if emotions got through them. 

"You don't own this place." The boy argued back. He stuck his tongue out. He didn't look like he'd move. 

Andrew sat close to the boy, glaring at him like he did all the other kids. He didn't budge. It was a staring contest, and Andrew wasn't going to lose to some random boy. The boy didn't back down and the more Andrew looked into those shiny blue eyes the more that fuzzy feeling got stronger, and Andrew didn't like it at all. Andrew moved forward, closer to him to push him out but that made the boy flinch badly, held his arms in front of his face and squeezed his eyes shut. Andrew knew that pose very well- he knew the way his body went hard because he did it too when he was waiting for an adult to hit him. 

"You get hit too?" Andrew asked. He sat down carefully next to the boy, finally noticing the faint bruise poking out of his sleeve. Andrew knew bruises like that. He wore long sleeves even when it got hot and icky to hide them. 

The boy lowered his arms slowly, his blue eyes looking at Andrew like he didn't trust him. "Do you?" He asked. 

Andrew nodded. He pulled his knees up to his chest, copying the boy's pose. He pushed up his sleeve to show the purple bruise that was there. His last foster mom had grabbed him and pulled him up from the floor after she saw him looking for food because he was so hungry that his belly hurt for days. She had been slapping him really hard while holding onto him as his social worker came to do her monthly check in. She was supposed to come every week but she didn't. Andrew made sure to count the days between her visits, because he remembered when she was supposed to come and he remembered when she actually came unlike the adults. She had at least gotten Andrew out of that house and took him to the doctors who told her he was 'malnourished'. He didn't know what that word meant but he knew it wasn't good when his social worker got really scared. He got to eat so much that night he wanted to puke. Now he was in his new house but he didn't believe the pretty lights or happy smiles of the adults, all the other adults lied to him so why would these two be any different? 

The boy looked at the bruise. He slowly pushed his sleeve up the rest of the way with a shaky hand and let Andrew see the bruise. It was the shape of a hand, Andrew could see the shape of fingers in the boy's skin. 

"What’s your name?" Andrew asked. 

The boy crossed his arms over his knees and tried to hide his face. "I don’t know." He muttered. 

"How can you not know?" Andrew asked. Even he knew his name and he was an orphan. Even orphans have names, so did the kids who lived on the streets who were always nice to Andrew. 

"Because I don't know!" The boy snapped, showing his teeth like a really angry dog. "My dad called me Nathaniel, but my mom calls me Abram- I don't know which one is right!" 

Andrew thought for a moment, thinking of a solution for this problem. The boy didn't look like a Nathaniel, but Abram wasn't right either. "Then why don't you make one for yourself?" He suggested. That was the easiest thing to do, make a new one that he was sure was right. 

The boy blinked, the anger gone from his face with only confusion left behind. "I can do that?" He asked. 

Andrew nodded. "Of course you can." He remembered meeting a girl who said she used to be a boy when they were rummaging a dumpster for food. She told him that a name was a gift that anyone could reject- for her, she gave herself a brand-new name because she was a girl and girls didn't have boy names. She even told Andrew that he could change his last name, that he didn't have to be a Doe forever. Andrew liked her. She wasn't an adult, and she was nice to him. She even gave him the only piece of bread that wasn't moldy. "Names are gifts and we don't have to accept them." 

The boy tilted his head and Andrew couldn't stop staring. He really did have bright eyes. They were pretty, even if they made that fuzzy feeling stronger. "Okay." He said quietly, a nervous smile tugging on his face. "Then can I be Neil?" 

"Why are you asking me?" Andrew asked. He found himself shuffling closer to him. "It’s your name." 

"I know." Neil said, his small hands tugging on the end of his sleeves. He had small hands, even smaller than Andrew's. Andrew wondered if he was taller than Neil. "But I don't know if sounds stupid." 

Andrew thought. He hadn't met many Neils, but he didn't think it was a stupid name. "There was a Neil who went to the moon." He told Neil. He read it in a book once. Two people had actually gone into space where all the stars lived, far far away from people. They got to walk on the moon and see the earth. Andrew wanted to do that. 

Neil looked at Andrew with a big smile. He moved closer, their shoulders almost touched. "I want to go to the moon." He said. "It’s really far away." 

"Me too." Andrew agreed. He held his hand out for Neil to take. "I'm Andrew." 

Neil took Andrew's hand. It was warm. "I'm Neil." 

The perfect hiding spot was dark and hidden away from the adult's eyes and all the other kids knew to stay away and for a while it was all Andrew's. But now, he didn't mind sharing it with Neil. It could be their hiding spot and they could be alone together.

-

"Andrew!" 

"Neil!" 

Andrew raced over to Neil, stopping just before he crashed into him. They had played together every day since they met, hiding away in their hideout or running around the park when there weren't as many kids around. And now, they were starting a new school year together. They even got to be in the same class so they wouldn't be alone. 

Neil smiled really wide at Andrew. "Hi!" He yelled. 

"Hi." Andrew said with a smile. He looked over and saw Neil's mom standing by the wall, looking at Andrew the same way someone looked at a bug- like she was disgusted by him and wanted to stomp on him. Andrew didn't like Neil's mom. She was jumpy, her eyes rarely stayed still, always looking at any noise she hears whether it really happened or not. Andrew heard a lot of things because he had to know where everyone in his foster homes were, but he didn't hear the things Neil's mom heard. She also hurt Neil which meant that Andrew hated her. 

"Are you ready for school?" Neil asked. He was bouncing on his toes again, so he had to be excited to start school. 

Andrew was too. He got to be out of the house and spend all day with Neil. His foster parents hadn't hurt him yet, but he knew it was only a matter of time and the less time with them the less they could hurt him. And this was something he had to do, his social worker explained it was the law that he had to go or there'd be trouble for him and he didn’t want to get in trouble. Then his foster parents really would hurt him. "Yeah, did you bring your lucky pen?" 

Neil nodded really quickly and opened his yellow backpack. His mom frowned at him. He pulled out a black glitter pen and showed it to Andrew with a big smile. He said it was lucky because he had it when his mom took him and left his dad so it was definitely lucky. Andrew agreed with Neil’s logic. "See?" He waved it in Andrew's face. 

"I see." Andrew nodded. 

Neil lowered his pen and held out his free hand, a smile still on his face. 

Andrew looked down at Neil's hand then back up at his face. "Why?" He asked. 

"Hold my hand, yes or no?" Neil asked, shaking his hand. "It’s so we don't we taken away from each other." 

Andrew didn’t want to be taken away from Neil. People were always taking him away from people, from places, even when he didn't want too. He didn't want to be taken away from Neil. "Okay yes." He agreed. He took Neil's hand into his own and squeezed tightly. 

Neil smiled at him, then at his mom. His mom's frown only got worse and Andrew worried that she would be another adult who tried to take them away from each other. Andrew didn't want to be taken away from Neil. "Bye mum," Neil waved.

Neil's mom gave a tight smile, her eyes were still mean, and she still looked at Andrew like he was a problem, but she waved at Neil. "Have fun." She said in an accent Andrew had only ever heard on TV. 

Neil nodded and turned to Andrew, hand tight in Andrew's, and his mom completely forgotten. "Come on, Drew," he said. "It’s time for school!" 

Andrew nodded and happily got dragged along by Neil into the classroom, a smile on his face. It might not be as fun as Neil thought it would be but together it'd be just another adventure for them to complete together. 

-

Andrew watched as Neil shakily wrote out random words into the dirt with a stick he found on the playground, belly on the cold ground and head propped in his hands. His shirt and arms would be dirty for the rest of the day but he didn't care because Neil was creating magic. 

"And then you add this little dash, and it changes the way the letter sounds!" Neil explained. He created a little dash above the 'e' he wrote in the dirt and looked at Andrew with a smile. "Make sense?" 

Andrew nodded. He grabbed the stick Neil got him and wrote out all the letters Neil had written down. Kids were yelling and screaming around them, not paying any attention to them as they laid in the dirt and created new words. "It looks like English," he said. "But it's not anything I know." 

"That’s because it's French!" Neil explained. "It’s a different language that mum is teaching me to speak. She says I have to know a bunch of different languages." 

Andrew thought about it and maybe Neil's mom was right. Maybe it was good to know many languages. They could talk to so many different people like that, and they would have to do that if they wanted to go to space. Aliens didn’t speak English- Andrew didn’t know what they spoke but they might speak French. "Can you teach me?" He asked. 

Neil nodded really fast, getting really close to Andrew's face until their noses almost touched. "Of course Drew." He said. His eyes were really bright, and Andrew wondered if he'd ever get tired of looking at them. He didn't think he would. 

"We should make our own language." Andrew said quietly. He was scared that if an adult heard them, they'd try to stop them. They were always ruining things for Andrew, putting him in homes without food or with people who hated him. He didn't want them to ruin this either. He was tired of them ruining things. 

"Okay." Neil agreed. "It'll be fun!" 

Andrew nodded. It would be fun. They would be making something for just them, that no one could take away from them. Andrew was finding that he couldn't forget things, and adults didn't have any powers to take away his power so he'd always remember their language. This would be theirs forever. "Did you want to go find the yellow and orange leaves?" He asked. 

Neil nodded, his floppy hair hitting Andrew in the face but he didn't mind. "Yeah, come on," he hurried. "Before the idiot kids step on all of them." 

"Okay." Andrew worried, for just a moment, that he would jump off a cliff with Neil. But he found out that it didn't bother him, as long as he was with Neil he'd do anything.

-

The flame flickered and crackled, little embers floating up into the sky before it disappeared. It was warm and Andrew could hear the wood that kept it alive breaking and cracking, but it hurt to look at. It was like looking at a smaller sun, which made sense because Andrew's books about space said that the sun was a burning ball of gas. 

But that didn't seem to bother Neil. He was obsessed with the fire, had been the moment his mom had lit the match. He couldn't take his eyes off of the tiny fire, watching as it hit the pile of dry wood that the two had collected in the afternoon, watching as it grew bigger and bigger. Nothing his mom did could make him look away from the fire, so she gave up. Andrew had simply sat next to him and watched with him. It was pretty, but he didn't understand why Neil was so obsessed with it. But he still sat with Neil anyways, in a nice silence as the sky got darker and darker until Neil's mom fell asleep on the deck chair with a glass bottle full of the yucky liquid adults liked in her hands. 

Neil scooted closer to the fire, close enough that the tips of his hair turned wavy, like the road did whatever it got too hot. 

"Neil," Andrew called out quietly. He didn't want to wake Neil's mom up, she didn't like the name Neil gave himself and got mad when Andrew used it. "Neil." 

Neil blinked like Andrew's voice broke the spell he was under. He turned to look at Andrew with a confused look on his face. "Andrew?" 

Andrew shifted closer to Neil, holding out his hand for Neil to take. "It looked like you got put under a spell." He whispered. "Is the fire magic?" 

Neil tilted his head and moved away from the fire, closer to Andrew. He put his hand in Andrew's and thought. "I don't know." He admitted. "I think it is. Is that weird? Magic doesn't exist." 

"We don't know that." Andrew told him. If Neil said that the fire was magic, then the fire was magic. They were just kids, so who was to say that magic didn't exist anyways? Andrew trusted Neil. "If you say it's magic then it's magic." He said seriously. 

"Really?" 

"Yeah, I trust you." 

Neil smiled, cheeks turning pink, but Andrew wasn't sure if it was because he was too hot from the flames or not. "I trust you." He promised.

 "Okay." Andrew said, his belly getting fuzzy and warm again. He still didn't know what it meant but he knew Neil caused it, so maybe Neil was magic. Andrew could see that. He liked the idea of Neil being magic, it made him feel safe. Like Neil and him could handle everything that happened to them. It felt nice.

-

Hand in hand, Andrew and Neil ran down the hallway of the school, laughing and giggling as they pushed past the adults who failed to stop them. Andrew had seen a scene similar to this, in the show his foster mother watched- a woman in a white dress running down a red aisle with a man in a suit, both of them laughing and smiling as they ran away together. That's what this felt like, and he understood why they were so happy. Andrew would happily run away with his best and only friend. 

Neil laughed loudly as they passed by the mean gym teacher, making Andrew laugh along with him. It was impossible to not laugh when Neil laughed, like when someone yawned. Neil looked at Andrew, a really big smile on his face that Andrew couldn't look away from. Was this what Neil felt like when he looked at fire? Unable to look away even if he knew he should? 

The two of then crashed into someone, falling to the ground but still holding onto each other's hands. 

"Ouchie." Neil whined. 

Andrew looked up and saw the principal looking down at them with a mean look on his face. He never liked Andrew, or any of the kids. Andrew didn't know why he worked at a school if he didn't like kids. Adults were confusing. 

But the principal wasn't alone, there was an older woman with soft brown hair and a really gentle smile looking at them. She was wearing a soft looking sweater and waved at Andrew. 

Andrew didn’t know why but he waved back at her. 

Neil didn't like the principal, he didn't like any men really, and once they were back on their feet he hid slightly behind Andrew, trusting Andrew to protect him. And of course Andrew would. 

"As I was saying Dr. Dobson," the principal said, looking and sounding more kind to the woman than he ever had to Andrew. "These two are two of our problem children. If you could do something about them, we'd really appreciate it." 

Andrew frowned, holding on tight to Neil's hand. They weren't problems, they were kids just trying to live in a place that didn't like them. 

"Go fuck yourself." Neil said from behind Andrew. Even when he was scared, he couldn’t help but speak his mind. Andrew really liked that about him. 

The woman chuckled as the principal made mean faces at them. "See?" He said, gesturing towards Neil and Andrew. 

"Now now, Mr. Harold." The woman said. "They're just kids." 

"They're a bunch of troublemakers." 

The woman sighed, shaking her head slightly. She looked down at Andrew and Neil and gave them a very kind smile that Andrew wanted to believe. Even though he knew they never lasted. The woman knelt down so she was eye level with them and suddenly she wasn't as scary as before. She wasn't towering over them like all the other adults. "Hi," she said with a warm voice. "My name is Besty, but you can call me Bee." 

Neil and Andrew looked at each other, unsure what to do. They didn't trust adults. They hurt them, left them with bruises that hurt for days or weeks. Teenagers were okay, they were nice to them, at least the ones Andrew knew. But adults? They were mean and couldn't be trusted. But maybe this one was different? 

"Bee is a funny name." Andrew said, looking back at Bee. 

Bee chuckled and nodded. "It is." She agreed. "But I think it suits me." 

"Did you pick it out yourself?" Neil asked, peaking out from behind Andrew in a way that reminded Andrew of a shy kitten. 

Bee nodded. "I did, with the help of my best friend." She said. 

Neil looked at Andrew with big eyes. It was just like them. Neil picked his name out with Andrew's help. It proved Andrew's point that they could pick their own names! "Just like us, Drew." He whispered. 

Andrew nodded in agreement. He hadn’t met another adult who had decided their own name yet, but here she was- an adult like them!

"I'm going to be a counselor here," Bee told them. "I'll have my own office right by the nurse's office." 

"What’s a ‘counselor’?" Andrew asked. He knew he heard the word before in movies and TV shows but he didn't know what it meant. And based on Neil's confused look he didn't either. 

"It’s someone who listens." Bee said. "You can tell me anything you want, and I'll listen. I can help you solve a problem you have with someone or help you understand something about yourself. And everything you tell me will be between us." 

That sounded too good to be true, and whenever something sounded too good to be true it usually wasn't true. Adults lied, all the time. They made promises that they had no intention of keeping, they needed the threat of punishment to not do something and even then they still did it. 

"You know how adults have to follow the law?" Bee asked, smiling brightly when both Andrew and Neil nodded. "Well, if I tell someone what you said to me in my office, as long as I don't think you're in danger, I will be breaking the law. I'll lose my license and may go to jail." 

Andrew and Neil looked at each other. This seemed to be the only adult who knew that her actions would have consequences, that wanted to follow the rules instead of breaking them. 

Neil nodded and that was all Andrew needed. 

"Okay Bee." Andrew said to Bee. "Can we come together?" 

Bee's smile got bigger as she nodded. "Of course you can!" She assured them. "Would you like to race to my office?" 

Neil nodded rapidly, stepping out from behind Andrew. He always liked to race people because he was so fast and could outrun all the other kids. "First one there gets to hug Drew!" He announced. 

"Hey!" Andrew protested. "What if I win?" 

"Then you can hug me!" Neil compromised. 

Andrew thought about this and decided that that was a great prize. "Okay, let's go!" He took off running, not giving Neil or Bee the chance to set off themselves. 

Neil yelled after him, giggling as he quickly caught up to Andrew. Andrew couldn't help but laugh as they turned the corner, passing by everyone else they didn't care about. He didn't even mind when Neil passed him, or when he gave Andrew a big, long hug as his prize. If it was anyone else he would've, but it was Neil and anything Neil did was okay. Andrew was really lucky to have a friend like Neil. He hoped they stayed together forever.

Chapter Text

Neil had learned how to climb trees, he said he did it to annoy the teachers who tried to bring them in from recces but Andrew knew better. He knew Neil learned so he could escape his mom when she got mad. But it was useful to Andrew too, because Neil taught him how to do it to so the two of them could hide away from the rest of the world and be just a little more closer to the stars. 

Even now they sat together, talking about whatever they could think of as the kids below them yelled and ran around the playground. They didn't have a place there, no one wanted to play with them so they made their own space in the trees. 

"Do rocks have a smell?" Neil asked. 

Andrew didn't know. And how was he supposed to know if the smell was from the dirt it had been in or if it had its own smell? "I don't know, why?" 

"Well I think space would smell like rocks and gas!" Neil explained. He pointed to the sun high above them. "That’s a ball of gas right? So space would smell of that burning and of rocks!" 

Andrew hummed as he thought about it. He could ask his foster parents later, they hadn't hurt him yet, and with each passing day he was beginning to trust them little by little. He had even started seeking them out after a year of living together, just to ask the random questions that his previous foster mother would hit him for asking. They didn't hit him. He was beginning to hope he could stay, be wanted. "I think you'd be right." He told Neil, his stomach fuzzy at seeing his wide smile. "But I don't know if rocks smell or if it's the dirt." 

"Well then we'll have to go to space to find out!" Was Neil's solution to the problem. 

"Okay." Andrew agreed. "But you have to do all the math." 

Neil rolled his big blue eyes. Andrew's dislike of math was a sore point for them, because Neil absolutely loved math to the point he was two years ahead of everyone else, including Andrew, in math. But Andrew refused to do it because it was boring and it sucked. "Fine but that means you have to fight the aliens!" Neil demanded. 

Now it was Andrew's turn to roll his eyes. He was going to do that anyways. He was the one who fought the mean kids who picked on them, who made fun of the way Neil said certain words or tried to hurt Andrew by yelling that he was an orphan. Of course he was going to protect them from all the aliens. "Duh, you'd only make them more mad!" He accused. 

Neil gasped loudly. "They wouldn't even know what I'm saying!" He argued. 

"You have this way of pissing people off even if they can't understand you." Andrew reminded him. Neil may not remember but Andrew did, he remembered all of the times Neil's words got them in trouble. 

"You said a bad word, dumbass!" Neil tattled to no one because they were in a tree! There was no adults there to tell them to shut up. Idiot. 

"So did you!" Andrew accused. If Neil was going to scold him then he had to make sure he couldn’t be scolded right back! It was simple. 

"Fuck!" Neil cursed at his own self. "Well you started it!" 

Andrew had an urge to do... something . He had an urge to grab Neil and shake him, to hug him tightly, to push out of the tree because maybe then he'd have a minute of peace from the fuzzy feeling in his stomach. "Well you're an idiot." He defended. 

Neil pouted, his cheeks all puffed out and poke-able. Andrew wanted to grab his face and stare forever. "Don’t be mean, Drew." He whined. 

"Then don't be an idiot." Andrew countered. "I can’t help but point out stupidity." 

Neil's pout turned into a laugh, making the fuzzy feeling stronger and Andrew's face burn. It was a really nice laugh. "Is that why you argue with the teachers?" He asked. 

"Of course." Andrew nodded. It was that and because of the way Neil smiled at him whenever he did it. "They have to know they're wrong and stupid." 

Neil giggled then grinned, showing off a missing tooth. Andrew wanted to hug him. "I like when you do that." 

"I know." Andrew told him. He knew almost everything about Neil, he knew about the bruises he hid and he knew about his love of fire and he knew that one day they would escape the mean world and find a new one that was their own in space. He knew everything about Neil, like how Neil knew everything about him.

-

"Hear ye, hear ye!" Neil yelled, a blue blanket draped around his shoulders for a cape, the paper crown on his curly red hair, and the sword made of a paper towel roll in his hands as he stood up on the makeshift stage that was his porch. "Gather 'round peasants!" 

Andrew rolled his eyes. Neil would make a terrible leader, he was sure of that. You couldn't insult your subjects if you want them to like you and not cut off your head. Duh. 

"We're all gathered here to appoint Sir Andrew to official knighthood!" Neil yelled. 

The neighbor across the street tending to her garden looked over at them. Andrew thought it was a sight to see: Andrew in a bunch of cardboard they colored grey to resemble armor that knights wore and a similar cardboard sword to Neil's, surrounded by the few stuffed animals Neil owned out in the front yard while Neil yelled. Oh well, Andrew had long since stopped caring what people thought of them. 

Neil motioned for Andrew to join him on the porch, unable to keep his smile off his face. This was supposed to be serious, it was a very big honor for people to be knighted. Bee told him so and she hadn't been wrong yet. 

Andrew climbed the stairs, imagining he was stepping up towards the throne to be knighted by the prince, like in a fairytale. He always wondered why the knight and the pretty prince never got to be together forever, the knight protected the prince with his life and the prince put his life and trust in his knight. That should mean they should obviously be together forever. Bee said that people who loved each other trusted and protected each other, and all fairytales had love stories but they didn't make sense. The knight and prince should always be together. 

Neil took Andrew's hand and had Andrew kneel on one knee in front of him. He smiled widely at Andrew, his tooth still missing. Andrew thought it was really cute. "I, as King of this awesome kingdom where I can eat all the fruit I want," 

Andrew rolled his eyes again. 

"And where Drew can eat all the sweets he wants," Neil added, closing both eyes in an attempt to wink. "I now declare Sir Andrew as my personal knight!" He lifted up his cardboard sword and tapped it against Andrew's shoulders. "You are now knighted, Sir Drew!" He announced. "Do you promise to be by my side forever?" 

Andrew stood up, squeezing Neil's hand as the thoughts about how knights should get to be with princes danced in his mind. He nodded, face warm from the sun. "Of course I do." He promised. 

Neil smiled and wrapped his arms around Andrew, squishing his chubby cheeks against Andrew's shoulder. "Yay!" He cheered. "We'll be together forever." 

"Of course we will, Neil."

-

Andrew carefully colored in the cat from the coloring book Bee gave him. Neil had a similar coloring book but it was of foxes instead because Neil liked foxes while Andrew liked cats. Neil wasn't as careful as Andrew was being, wildly coloring the pages bright orange, but Andrew was making sure not to go over the line. 

"Do you boys want more hot chocolate?" Bee asked. She let them spend recess in her office. She didn't say it but Andrew knew she rather them in her line of sight than outside playing in the trees, especially after that one time Neil almost fell out because he was too busy yelling at one of the kids who threw a rock at them. Andrew didn't tell her he knew because he agreed it was probably better that they be inside with Bee so Neil didn't get hurt. Andrew didn't like it when Neil was hurt. 

"Yes please." Andrew said. He put down his black crayon and held out the mug Bee had given him. It was his favorite. It had a cat on it, smiling at him. 

"No thanks." Neil said, eyes focused on his coloring book. He hadn't had any of his hot chocolate and had instead pushed it off to Andrew. Andrew didn't tell Bee about it but he was sure she knew. She knew everything. 

Bee smiled at them and gently took Andrew's mug. As she walked away, Andrew turned his attention onto Neil. He had his tongue stuck out and Andrew couldn't look away. 

"Hey Drew, when we grow up let's get a fox!" Neil announced, not looking up from his drawing. 

"Can we get a cat too?" Andrew asked, head propped up in his hands. 

Neil hummed and looked up from his picture. He tapped his chin before nodding. "Sure!" He grinned at Andrew. "We can teach them to get along." 

"Okay." Andrew said. He had a feeling that it would end up being his job to teach them to get along but it was okay, because Neil could give him hugs and make the people who were mean to him regret being born. Neil loved to do that. He always made someone cry. 

Bee came back and slowly put down the mug now full of delicious hot chocolate topped with a bunch of whipped cream, marshmallows and sprinkles. 

Andrew's mouth watered at the sight. Even his current foster parents weren't this nice with their sugar, only ever giving Andrew a little bit that would always melt when they handed it to him. Andrew wrapped his hands around the mug and sucked up all the sugary goodness. When he looked up he saw Neil staring at him, looking at Andrew in a way Andrew didn't understand. All he knew was that it made his stomach do flips- that's what Bee said it was. She said it was normal and that everyone felt it when they saw someone they really liked. 

"What?" Andrew asked, resisting the urge to look away. He wanted to keep looking at Neil forever, even if it made his stomach do flips even more. 

"Nothing." Neil said in a giggly tone. "I just like looking at you." 

"Well I'm trying to drink my hot chocolate." Andrew informed him. He couldn't drink his hot chocolate if Neil kept looking at him like that. 

"I'm not stopping you." Neil said but he kept looking at Andrew. It was kind of a mix of the way he stared at fire and when he saw something cute. Andrew didn't know what that meant and he didn't bother trying to figure it out. He just took a long sip of his hot chocolate and ignored the flips in his stomach.

-

Andrew couldn't stop crying, hiding out in the tunnel under the jungle gym in the park. It was his secret hiding spot and no one could find him there, and that was what he needed. He couldn't let anyone see him crying, he couldn't show anyone how weak he was. Because he wasn't weak, he couldn't be weak. 

"Drew?" Neil called out quietly from the entrance of their hideout. 

Andrew flinched. He pulled his knees tighter against his body, hiding his face in his arms so Neil didn't see him so weak. He was supposed to protect Neil, how could Neil trust him to protect him if he saw him crying? 

"Drew I'm coming in." Neil said stubbornly. 

Andrew wished he could disappear, that he could take all of his emotions and bury them deep in the ground. He wished he could fling himself into space and never come back down to earth. It was horrible on earth, at least in space no one could hurt him. 

Neil sat next to Andrew, space between them because Neil knew that sometimes Andrew didn't like to be touched. He didn't speak, he just sat with Andrew as Andrew cried quietly. Andrew wished he wouldn't stay, because then he'd just leave him too one day. If Neil left now then Andrew could get over it, he could bury the hurt but he was afraid that if Neil kept staying and staying then when he left Andrew would die. He was scared. 

"They don't want me anymore." Andrew told Neil, his throat hurt and was dry but there'd be no more warm cups of water given to him by people with nice smiles. He was right about them, he just wished they had shown who they were sooner. Then this wouldn’t hurt so badly. "They're having their own baby so they don't want me anymore." 

They had said it with smiles on their face. They told him they were going to have a baby of their own and since Andrew wasn't theirs they couldn't look after him so they were giving him back. Andrew hated them. He hated them so much. He knew he shouldn't have given them anything, shouldn't have dared to hope that it would be different this time.

"Then they're stupid." Neil said, anger in his voice. 

Andrew looked up and saw that Neil was staring at him with those blue eyes, giving Andrew all of his attention. "No one wants me." Andrew said. He knew it was true, everyone sent him back eventually because he was an unlovable child. "My own mother didn't want me." 

"My dad didn't want me." Neil said. He shuffled closer to Andrew until they were almost touching. He held his hand out for Andrew to take. "And I want you." 

Andrew wanted to take Neil's hand, but he knew how this would end. Neil would leave him too one day. "You'll leave me too." He spat out. 

Neil didn't flinch. "Not willingly." He promised. "I want to be with you forever Drew because you're the most amazing person ever!" 

"No I'm not." Andrew argued. He wanted to run away, to run far away where no one could find him. But he had a feeling that Neil would still find him, even if he lived on the sun. 

"You are." Neil said like it was the most obvious thing ever. "And anyone who thinks differently shouldn't be allowed to live." 

Andrew sniffed, rubbing his eyes with his sleeve. He would probably have to give back the nice clothes his foster mother had bought him, he never got to keep anything for long. He'd lose Neil one day too, he knew he would, but he still wanted Neil by his side. He still wanted to believe him. So he took Neil's hand. 

Neil squeezed his hand and moved so he was leaning against Andrew. "I'll make sure they regret this." He promised. 

Andrew nodded as he buried his face back into his arms. "Stay." He begged. "Please stay." 

"I promise I will."

-

Under the walls they created with blankets and pillows, safe from anyone trying to hurt them, Andrew and Neil spoke quietly in the language they created. It was a mix of languages, of French, German, and English, plus words the two had made up. It sounded nonsensical but Andrew and Neil knew every word they spoke. It was theirs, something that the adults couldn't understand or stop. 

Neil was telling Andrew all about his plans for if the dinosaur bones came to life like in the movie they had watched earlier that night, how he would befriend the T-Rex and rule the world. 

"But they have tiny arms." Andrew pointed out. He always found it so funny that a fearsome giant dinosaur had those tiny little arms that couldn't do much. He didn't know why they had them, but it gave him something to smile about. 

"So?" Neil asked with one raised eyebrow. "They use their big jaws to eat people. Their tiny arms don't matter." 

"But people might die laughing at them." Andrew told him just to see Neil get annoyed. 

"Then they'd get eaten!" Neil hissed but it wasn't very threatening to Andrew. Neil just looked really cute with his little scowl and his silly hat that he called a bonnet. 

"We can put the principal in front of the dinosaur as we ride it!" Andrew told him. "He'd be so busy yelling at us that he'd get eaten!" 

Neil nodded happily, smiling widely. "Exactly. You see my vision." He said. He leaned against Andrew, a happy smile on his face as he closed his eyes. 

Andrew felt the flips in his stomach again and his face heat up but he didn't know what to do about it. So he just leaned against Neil too and closed his eyes. The only sounds were their breathing and the static noise from the TV they left on to drive away the ghosts and monsters in the shadows. They laid there together, slowly falling asleep long after their bedtime, dreams full of space adventures and dinosaurs coming back to life, together through it all and Andrew could only hope it'd stay like this forever.

Chapter Text

Andrew didn't like his new foster home. The woman didn't seem to care about him more than she liked placating her husband. Andrew thought that was desperate behavior and he told her that but he was 'only seven' so what did he know? The man kept looking at him, always finding an excuse to touch him in little ways that seemed okay but just made him uncomfortable. He didn't know why yet. Neil told him to lock the door at night, to trust the feeling, but every time Andrew did his foster father still managed to get inside. The dresser was too heavy for Andrew to push so he had taken to sleepovers at Neil's as many times as he could. 

"And then I told him that he looked like an old soggy grape that everyone threw away." Neil was saying as they walked to school, hand in hand after another sleepover inside their blanket fort where nothing bad ever happened. He was telling Andrew the story of his latest arguments with the old cashier at the grocery store that he went with his mom to. The old man didn't like him because of his darker skin tone and the accent his mom had. Andrew knew that that meant the guy was a racist, but there wasn't much they could do about it. They were powerless kids, so the only thing Neil could do was make the guy regret opening his stupid mouth with his own stupid mouth. 

"And what'd he say to that?" Andrew asked, swinging their arms because it was fun and it annoyed adults who didn't like kids to have fun. 

"He got red!" Neil squealed. "Like a tomato! He called me a dirty bean picker but I don't get it." He looked at Andrew for answers but Andrew shrugged. He didn't get it either. 

"Did your mom say anything?" He asked. He still didn't like Neil's mom, she still hit him in places she thought no one would see but Neil always showed them to him. She still didn't really care about Neil and what he wanted and she still didn't like Andrew. It seemed to be getting worse every time he came over. It only made Andrew want to come by more often. But, Andrew could admit she never let anyone else who might hurt Neil close to him. Which, considering how many people Neil pissed off, was a feat Andrew had to respect. 

"She just said 'we're not Mexican, you brainless twat'." Neil quote, copying his mom's British accent perfectly. He jumped over a crack in the sidewalk and landed in a puddle, splashing water everywhere. Andrew didn't mind. 

"Well, now we know why you've got a filthy mouth." Andrew said. 

Neil rolled his eyes but his annoyance disappeared quickly as they reached the school. "Hey, hey, let's break the school plumbing so we can go back home!" He suggested. 

Andrew nodded instantly. He was always up for one of Neil's get home quick schemes. Sometimes they worked and sometimes they got in trouble. But it always meant that Andrew got to be around Neil and that was all that mattered, and he didn't have to go back to his new foster home. He could go to Neil's place instead and hide in their fort. "Okay." He agreed, giving Neil a smile. "But we better hurry or they'll catch us!" 

Neil grinned and nodded. "Let's go Drew!" He yelled. He took a running start, dragging Andrew along with him, laughing and pushing past the other kids. Andrew couldn't help but laugh along, happy to be dragged along by a boy with too much mischief than anyone else knew. 

-

Andrew's throat hurt but he couldn't stop crying. His eyes hurt too, and every time he felt like the tears would stop they kept coming stronger than before. He was dirty. He was disgusting. He felt so dirty but he couldn't get rid of the filth. It was glued to his skin, stuck inside of him and no matter how many showers he took it wouldn't go away. He was a disgusting child. He wanted to disappear. He wanted the hands of his foster father to go away and stop sticking to his skin. Andrew's breath hitched as another sob left him, his knees pulled to his chest tightly. 

He was hiding in his and Neil's hiding spot on the playground, the sun was setting and he really didn't want to go back. Steven was going to make him dirty again- he was going to sneak into his room and hurt him. He didn't know what was happening, what he was doing to him- but it hurt so badly and it stained his sheets with blood. It hurt and made him feel dirty. He was a dirty child. 

"Drew?" a worried voice that Andrew knew too well called out from the entrance to their secret hiding spot. 

Andrew couldn't hide his flinch. He knew Neil saw it too. But he just tried really hard to hide himself so Neil didn't see how dirty he was.

"Drew?" Neil asked. He sounded really worried but Andrew couldn't show Neil how dirty he was. He felt like he'd die right then and there if Neil saw it. "Drew?" Neil asked again, slowly reaching out with his hand. 

Andrew's body shook as he remembered the way Steven reached out for him before hurting him. He knew Neil wouldn't hurt him but it became impossible to tell who it was. "Don't touch me!" He cried out. He didn't want to be hurt again. 

Neil stopped, he pulled his hand away and he stopped. Steven didn't stop even when Andrew begged him to stop. It just made Andrew cry harder. He didn't understand what was going on. Neil sat next to him, away so they weren't touching but still close enough that Andrew knew he was there. He didn't want Neil seeing him like this. He didn't want Neil to become dirty too. 

"What happened Drew?" Neil asked. 

Andrew shook his head, his eyes full of tears. He didn't even know what to say to Neil. He didn't know what happened just that he was dirty and bad, and in pain. 

"Did someone hurt you?" Neil asked. 

Andrew shook his head violently. He didn't want to say. He couldn't say. Steven said he'd get in trouble if he said anything and adults were always looking for ways to get Andrew in trouble. He was scared. 

"Andrew can you look at me?" Neil asked softly. He wasn't mad at Andrew and Neil would never do anything to get Andrew in trouble. He was smart, he knew how to lie and keep quiet. He trusted Neil, even if he didn't want to get Neil dirty. 

Andrew lifted his head to see Neil, calm and not angry at Andrew being mean to him. He was kinda blurry from all the tears in Andrew's eyes, but he was there, sitting next to him. 

"Hi Drew," Neil greeted. Andrew hiccupped, he couldn't greet him back. Neil didn't push him. He just stared at him with his big blue eyes. "Did someone hurt you?" He asked. 

Andrew nodded his head until it hurt. 

Neil's eyes got dark, they got scary but Andrew knew it wasn't for him. Neil got angry at a lot of people but never at Andrew. "Can you tell me who hurt you?" He asked. 

Andrew shook his head. He couldn't do that. He couldn’t put this on Neil. Steven was an adult, he could hurt Neil too and Andrew didn’t want him to get hurt. He'd rather die then be the reason Neil got icky and dirty and hurt. 

Neil tilted his head. "Oh. I see." He said. "Don't worry Drew, he won't hurt you again." 

Andrew panicked, reaching out to stop Neil before he did something that could put him in danger. But he stopped himself from actually touching Neil. He was dirty. He was dirty and icky. If he touched Neil then Neil would be dirty and icky. "Don’t," he begged. "He'll make you-" his words caught in his throat. He didn't even know anymore. He didn't understand what Steven did to him or why. 

"What did he do to you, Drew?" Neil asked. He was getting angrier, like a volcano ready to blow up everything. 

Andrew shook his head. He wouldn't say it. He didn't even know how. 

"Andrew," Neil pleaded. "Why can't I touch you?" 

"Because I'm dirty!" Andrew yelled. He hid his face in his knees as more tears fell from his eyes. His throat hurt really badly but he couldn't stop crying. He didn't want Neil to leave him because he was gross but he couldn't let Neil touch him and get dirty. 

"What?" Neil asked, the anger gone from his voice. "Why? Because he hurt you?" 

Andrew nodded. He was disgusting. No matter how much he tried to clean himself he was still so dirty. He was a disgusting child and he didn’t know what to do.

Neil went quiet and Andrew was afraid to look up. He was scared that if he did then Neil would be gone or he'd be looking at Andrew in disgust. He couldn't handle either of those things. There was some ruffling of clothes and all Andrew could think was that this was it- this was Neil leaving him for good. Steven had ruined Andrew- he hurt him in a way no one else had before and now he was taking Neil away from him. 

"Drew," Neil called out calmly. "Look at me? Please?" 

Andrew flinched hard, his breathing shallow. Steven made him say that over and over again. He promised Andrew that he'd stop if Andrew just said please like a good boy. But he didn't. He didn't stop no matter how much Andrew begged. 

"I'm sorry." Neil said. "Did I sound scary? I'm not scared I promise, I-" 

"Don't say 'please'." Andrew wanted to puke but he managed to push past it to tell Neil. He couldn't stand that word. It was nothing but lies and he wouldn't let Neil lie to him. 

"Okay I won't say it." Neil promised. "Can you look at me?" 

Andrew sniffled, his face was still wet from tears but he lifted his head and panicked. Neil wasn't wearing his shirt. His whole body was covered in so many scars, ones that Andrew had seen before from belts and cigarettes, but many he hadn't. There was a huge burn from an iron on Neil's shoulder. He could even see the indents from the holes- he knew right away that someone had purposely pushed it into his skin and held it there. "Neil-" He reached out, stopping when he realized what he was doing. He was dirty. And Neil didn't want anyone seeing his scars, he wouldn’t want someone touching them. 

"You can touch." Neil said quietly. "Because you're not dirty. That man is wrong." 

"No, I'm dirty." Andrew shook his head, pulling his sleeves over his hands. 

"Drew," Neil waited until gave him his attention. He didn't push or demand anything from Andrew. "My father hurt me." He said when Andrew finally gave him all his attention. "Does that mean I'm dirty?" 

Andrew shook his head. "Of course not!" He yelled. How could Neil ever think that? He was just a young boy, and he didn’t ask for his father to hurt him. "Why would you ever-" 

"Then why would you be dirty?" Neil asked. 

Andrew froze. His head hurt but his tears stopped. 

Neil kept going. "Someone hurt you, you didn't ask for it. So they're the dirty one, not you." 

Andrew sniffled, fighting back the urge to cry even though he just managed to stop. He was still sure he was dirty but he knew Neil was right. If Neil wasn't dirty because of what happened to him then Andrew shouldn't be either. It didn't make the feeling of being dirty go away, and it didn't make Andrew's body hurt any less. But he didn’t feel so disgusted with himself. "You're not going to leave me, right?" He asked. 

Neil sat down next to Andrew, close but not touching. He put his shirt back on but now Andrew knew every scar that was under it. "Of course not." He promised. 

"Okay." Andrew nodded. 

"Don’t worry Drew," Neil said softly, the smallest smile on his face. "I’ll make sure he pays for what he did. I'll burn his house down and make sure he has a very painful death." 

Andrew believed him, and it made him feel a lot better.

-

Andrew couldn't go back to that house again, he couldn't step back into the house that made him want to die. He couldn't go back. So he ran away, he ran and ran until he showed up on Neil's doorstep. It was raining, thundering and the power had gone out. Andrew had used that to his advantage, sneaking out of his room that his foster father kept sneaking into when it was past bedtime. He had locked the door and fled, carrying only the things he cared about, all the things Neil had given him because that was all he cared about. He ran barefoot through the night, cold and shivering but he had made it to Neil's house. He pounded on the door, hoping that Neil could hear it before his mom woke up. He could see his breath in front of him, and he jumped when the loud, body shaking thunder shook the ground. He was scared. He didn't want to admit it but he was scared. 

"Neil!" Andrew yelled, knowing his voice wouldn't carry over the wind and heavy rainfall but he had to try anyway. "Neil!" He pounded against the heavy door that was always locked. "Open it up!" 

Tears streamed down Andrew's face as he pressed himself against the door in an attempt to keep himself safe from the storm. He didn't know how long he had until the monster found him and dragged him back to the house of horror. 

Just as Andrew thought he might die, the door swung open and a sleepy Neil appeared, dressed in his favorite blue nightgown that reached his ankles, his fiery red hair bundled up into the hat he called a bonnet. 

"Drew?" Neil called out, going from half asleep to wide awake when he saw Andrew. "What's wrong?" He opened the door wider, struggling with the weight of the door. As soon as it was opened, he ushered Andrew inside, letting the door slam behind him. He locked the door before turning back to Andrew. "Drew," 

"I couldn't go back." Andrew said in desperation. "I can't stay there, Neil." He couldn't go back. It felt like he would die if he went back. He wanted to burn his skin off whenever he thought about what that man did to him. He would rather die than go back to them. 

Neil's blue eyes were full of concern. "Then you don't ever have to go back." He promised. He held his hand out for Andrew to take, and gave a small smile when Andrew took it. He trusted Neil to never hurt him. Neil would never hurt Andrew. "Come on," Neil tugged gently on Andrew's hand. "Let's get you dried up and into clean clothes." 

Andrew nodded. He trusted Neil, he would protect Andrew just like Andrew protected him from all the bigger kids who tried to throw rocks at them or the adults who tried to hurt them. He followed Neil towards the stairs that led to where Neil's bedroom and the bathroom was. Neil's hand was tight in his and it felt like the rest of the scary world disappeared with just a squeeze of Neil's hand. 

They had just made it up the stairs when Mary, Neil's mom, opened the door to her bedroom with a mean scowl on her face. "Abram." She hissed, her brown eyes narrowing in anger at Andrew. "What the hell is this?" 

Neil stood his ground, putting himself between Andrew and Mary even though Andrew wasn't afraid of Mary. "I'm helping my friend." He said, slipping into a British accent just like his mom's. "Don't worry, I'll clean up all the water from the rain." 

Mary's scowl only got worse and she looked ready to throw Andrew back out into the rain without any concern about what would happen to him. She was always so mean. "He has his own home." She spat. "He's going back now." She stepped forward, hand reaching out to grab Andrew but Neil let go of Andrew's hand to push her away. 

"Neil!" Andrew gasped. He didn't have any time to do anything else. 

Mary moved quickly, she regained her balance and quickly backhanded Neil in the face, sending him to the ground. "Don’t argue with me, Abram!" She yelled. 

Andrew rushed to Neil's side, panicking when he saw blood flow down Neil's chin. He must have bitten his cheek or tongue when she slapped him. "Neil." 

"I'm okay Drew." Neil promised but he was bleeding. He was bleeding and that meant he wasn't okay. 

"No you're not." Andrew hissed. 

Mary stomped towards them, angry and ready to hit both of them again. But Neil was already hurt, she couldn't get her filthy hands on him again. And it was Andrew's job to protect Neil from anyone who wanted to hurt him. So he shoved Mary to the ground, his heart beating in his chest as he heard her fall to the floor. It sounded just like the thunder outside. 

"You pathetic little bastard!" Mary screeched, glaring at Andrew like he was a monster. But Andrew wasn't a monster, he was just a little boy tired of adults hurting him and Neil. Why was he a monster for standing up for himself? 

"Don't talk about him like that!" Neil yelled. He had gotten up from the floor and put himself in between Andrew and his mom again. 

"I told you that brat was no good, Abram!" Mary hissed. "Now get out of my way unless you want to be punished for disobeying me again." 

"Don't you dare hurt Drew." Neil said in a scarily cold voice. His vibrant blue eyes got darker, scary, and not like the Neil Andrew knew. He looked like a lion from that nature documentary they liked to watch, ready to pounce on his prey. He looked scary but Andrew's heart kept beating violently in his chest and the flipping of his stomach started again. 

Mary flinched at the sight that was Neil, she was even angrier but she didn't grab at Neil or hit him again. "Don’t you fucking look at me while looking like him ." She hissed. 

"I told you before mum, Drew is my friend and I'll do anything to protect him." Neil said slowly and clear, to make sure Mary knew he was serious. Neil had gotten mad all the time, he had a bad temper since the day Andrew met him, but even Andrew had never seen him this mad before. "If you hurt him I promise I'll make you regret it." He promised. 

Andrew wanted to hug Neil, to hold him tight and protect him forever but he couldn't move. His hands were shaking and the rain only grew heavier outside. 

Mary gritted her teeth, raging silently at both Neil and Andrew. "He leaves in the morning." She demanded. 

"Okay." Neil agreed easily. "No burning for me." He muttered. 

Andrew was pretty sure no one was supposed to hear that but Andrew did. He knew how much Neil loved fire, so it made sense that his threats would involve something he loved so much.

"Now get out of my sight." Mary demanded. She picked herself up, glaring at Andrew before she turned around and went back into her room, muttering something under her breath that Andrew couldn't understand. 

Neil took a deep breath, closing his eyes, and counted to ten. When he opened his eyes they were back to normal, the same bright blue Andrew could stare at for hours. He turned to Andrew with a nervous smile. "Sorry." He said. 

Andrew stepped closer to him, lifting his hand to Neil's face, waiting for Neil's nod before he did his best to wipe away the blood there. "Idiot." He said quietly. "You don't have to apologize to me about anything." 

Neil's smile got more real, more Neil, as he took Andrew's hand into his own. "Even if I steal your sweets?" He asked. 

Andrew nodded. He might get upset if Neil did that but he'd have no choice but to forgive him. "Yeah." He said. "But don't make it a habit." 

Neil giggled and nodded. "Okay." He promised. "Now come on, you need to take a warm shower before you get a cold." 

Andrew froze at the idea of taking his clothes off. Even if he wasn't in that place it felt too exposing, too much like letting his guard down. It made him feel dirty. 

"I'll stand outside and guard the door!" Neil promised, leading Andrew towards the bathroom. "No one will come in and hurt you." He promised. 

Andrew took a deep breath and nodded. He trusted Neil, he trusted him to make sure no one could see him like that. He'd still keep the light off so he didn't have to see himself. "Okay. I trust you." 

Neil nodded. He squeezed Andrew's hand before letting go. He ran to his room and came out in less than two seconds with a pair of cat themed pjs. He handed it to Andrew then opened the bathroom door. "Knock twice if you need help and three times when you're done." He instructed. 

Andrew nodded, clutching the clothes tight against his body. He wanted to cry but he was too old to cry. "I will." He promised. "Thank you Neil." 

"Always Drew.”

-

"Pedophile!" Neil screamed at the top of his lungs, hugging Andrew tight as he fake cried, fat tears rolling down his face. 

Andrew held tightly onto Neil, trying to hide his shaking body as his foster father startled backwards. He tried to pick Andrew up from school early, going on and on about how worried he had been about Andrew suddenly disappearing. But Andrew knew what he really wanted, what he wanted to take and the scary threats he wanted to give out. He never wanted to go back to that house, and Neil was making sure he didn't have to. 

The teachers out in the hallway whispered between them, sharing concerned looks and sending Andrew's foster father Steven nasty looks. The kids had no idea what was going on, what it was that Neil was screaming and Andrew wanted to take Neil and run away to the moon. 

"Now Neil," one of the teachers said, worry etched onto her face as she tried to touch them. 

They both flinched violently away. Her face fell and Steven's face grew pale. Neil sobbed harder, holding onto Andrew tightly like he was afraid someone would pry them apart. Andrew was afraid of that too, but he couldn't help but wonder what else Neil could lie about with such startling believability. Andrew wanted to test it then hold his hand forever so he could see Neil fuck with everyone around them. 

"This is just all a misunderstanding." Steven tried to say but he and Andrew both knew what happened in Andrew's room when it got dark outside. "He doesn't even know what that is." 

"Yes I do!" Neil yelled in between his sobs. "It means an adult who touches kids in their private areas! That's what he is! A pervert!" 

Andrew nodded along, flinching at the horrible look Steven gave him. But as long as it got this man away from them it would be okay. No one would believe them but they'd at least make him go away and maybe, just maybe, put Andrew in a different home. 

"What's going on here?" Came a sweet, safe voice that belonged to Bee. She came out of her office, anger in her steps but Andrew knew it wasn't at them, it was at the adults. Because she was the only adult who cared about kids. "What's wrong?" She asked Neil and Andrew. 

Neil sobbed harder, loud and performative. He pointed at Steven and yelled, "he's a pedophile, Bee! Make him go away!" 

Bee frowned and knelt in front of the two of them, blocking Andrew's view of Steven. He tried so hard to not make eye contact with Bee, he wasn't sure if she was buying Neil's act but he knew that if he looked at her face she'd know his fear was real. He couldn't look at her, he couldn't look at her, he couldn't look at her- 

Andrew flinched harshly when he made eye contact with Bee. She knew. She knew his fear was real. He didn't like that. He didn't want her to know, to not believe him. 

Neil hugged him tighter, momentarily stopping his sobs to whisper in Andrew's ear, "it's okay I'm right here." 

"Come on, kids," Bee said gently. She stood back up but kept in between them and Steven. She turned back to look at the other teacher and quietly asked them to take Steven off the property. Then she looked at Andrew and Neil and smiled, but Andrew knew it was strained. He didn't want to look at it. 

She ushered the boys into her office and the moment the door was shut Neil stopped crying, his face becoming blank and devoid of the terror he had just displayed. He still held onto Andrew, leading him to the couch that Bee had in her office. He and Andrew spent a lot of time sitting there while they read or talked as Bee made them warm tasty drinks. Was that going to end? Was Bee going to say that Andrew was lying and never let him back into her office? Would Neil and Andrew have to go back to climbing trees to escape the other kids? 

Bee went about making Andrew and Neil hot chocolate, not asking what happened or why Neil wasn't crying anymore. Neil stared at Andrew, his blue eyes full of concern for Andrew and Andrew knew he'd follow his lead no matter what he did. It made this slightly easier, made it easier to breathe through the panic. 

"Are you boys okay with telling me what happened?" Bee asked. She had handed them their hot chocolate and sat across from them with a gentle look that didn't give anything away. 

Andrew looked at Neil, his eyes were red from all of his fake crying. He didn't know what to do. Could he really trust Bee to believe him? 

"You should tell her." Neil said quietly in the language they made. Bee had heard them speak it many times so she didn't react, she just let them talk and waited patiently. She wasn't like other adults who got mad at them. 

"But what if she doesn't believe me?" Andrew asked. 

"Then I'll burn this place to the ground." Neil promised. Andrew knew he would do it, he would do it for Andrew because they cared about each other. 

"You just want to burn things." Andrew accused his throat tight with too many emotions he wished he didn't feel. 

"I mean yeah," Neil admitted. "But you come first. I'll protect you and make everyone who ever hurt you pay for it. And if she doesn't believe you, know that I believe you. I'll always believe you, Drew. You're not a liar like me, you tell the truth. You always tell the truth." 

Andrew looked down at the hot chocolate in his hands. He didn't want to lose this, to lose the only adult who ever cared about them because she wouldn't believe him. But if that happened he'd have Neil by his side, Neil who would use his precious fire to destroy something that hurt him, who screamed at the top of his lungs and caused a scene to make sure the man who hurt Andrew didn't get close to him. Andrew would always have Neil by his side, even if they lost the only adult who cared about them.

-

The stench of the group home Andrew had been placed in was overwhelming, it was too strong to ever get used to and the one adult who was supposed to take care of ten boys, some who were teenagers, didn't care about the mess that was always there. Andrew hated being in a group home, but it was better than going back to a foster home where someone would crawl into his bed at night. Here at least, none of the other boys cared about him. They treated him like he was invisible and that was exactly what Andrew needed. It also meant that Andrew could sneak out whenever he wanted to go see Neil. Andrew liked spending all of his time with Neil and he wished that when they got older they could live together. 

"Doe!" The director of the group home yelled. 

Andrew sighed and got up from the couch. Someone else immediately took his spot. It was the best spot on the couch with none of the springs sticking out, he had to fight hard to get it. But now he lost it. All because his stupid social worker decided to finally do her job. 

Andrew angrily marched down the hall and came to an abrupt stop when he saw Bee standing at the door instead of his social worker. "What are you doing here Bee?" Andrew asked. After Andrew told her everything that Steven had done, she had believed him. She had believed him and made it so that he never had to go back. His social worker got into a lot of trouble and he got reassigned, he suspected that was how he got sent to a group home, and Bee promised him through the trial he didn't want to do that she would always be there fighting for him. But she hadn't visited him at the group home before. 

Bee smiled at him. "I have some good news." She said. She looked at the director and asked, "could we have some privacy?" 

The director huffed and stormed off, instantly yelling at one of the older boys for starting a fight. 

Bee sighed but then smiled at Andrew. "I'm sorry I haven't been by to see you here." She said. 

Andrew shrugged, looking down at the floor, not knowing how to answer that. He never expected Bee to keep her promises nor did he expect her to come see him when she didn't have too. He had Neil, he was okay with that. 

"I was busy becoming a registered foster parent." Bee explained in a gentle tone. 

Andrew blinked and dragged his eyes from the floor and stared at Bee. He couldn't dare to hope but it didn't stop his heart from pounding in his chest. "A foster parent?" He asked. 

Bee nodded. "It took longer than I thought but now I'm allowed to foster kids." Bee said. She reached behind her and presented Andrew with a backpack covered in stars and planets on it, brand new and seemingly Andrew's. "I was hoping you'd like to be my first foster, Andrew." 

Andrew gripped the backpack tightly, careful not to dirty it up with his unwashed hands. He held it against his chest, afraid that someone would try to take it from him, and felt tears fill his eyes. He looked at Bee, the only adult to ever care about him, who was now welcoming him into her home. He couldn't stop himself from nodding his head even if he wanted to. He even found himself believing in Bee's gentle, kind smile.

“Yes.”

Chapter Text

Neil was getting more and more bruises on his body, more and more band aids were being used to hide all the scratches that Mary left on Neil's body. Andrew didn't like it, he didn't like parting with Neil knowing that the moment he left Mary would put her hands on him. But Neil had no one else in the country to take care of him other than his mom. His dad had moved to Europe, a country called Poland, and all of Mary's family lived in England so if Neil got taken away then he'd either be put into foster care or sent overseas. And Neil didn't want to do either of those things. And since Andrew knew how bad foster care was, he agreed. So it was their secret, one that wouldn't stay a secret forever. 

"Do you believe in marriage?" Neil asked. They were holding hands as they walked ahead of Bee on a nature trail, careful to always be in sight of her so they didn't wander off. 

Andrew didn't really care for hiking, but Neil loved running around and getting all of his energy out. Bee had been teaching Andrew about different disorders people had, she said it was so he could understand people better and be better towards people who were different, and he told her that Neil probably had ADHD with the way he ran around all the time. Bee had just smiled at him and told him he was very observant. It made Andrew feel proud of himself. 

"No." Andrew told Neil, jumping over a log with him. They almost slipped on the wet leaves they landed on but managed to hold on tight to each other. "None of my foster parents ever seemed happy in their marriages." 

They were always fighting, always screaming at each other, yelling that they hated each other and hitting each other. In one of Andrew's old houses they would throw plates at the wall and threatened to kill each other. Marriage was horrible. And they couldn't leave because the law was involved. Andrew never wanted to be tied to someone he didn't love. 

Neil nodded in agreement. He leaned down and grabbed a stick that he proceeded to use to whack at the branches and plants that were in the way. "My mom wasn't happy married to my dad." He agreed. "It was always a weapon to keep us tied to him." 

Andrew agreed silently. That made a lot of sense. It made him wonder why people did it in the first place. It didn't seem like anyone was happy in their marriages and it just seemed like a weapon used by controlling assholes who were pathetic losers. Andrew looked over at his shoulder to make sure Bee was still there and saw her moving the log they had jumped over. Always helpful and kind that Bee. When Bee caught his eye, she smiled and waved at him. Andrew waved back before turning his attention back onto Neil. "Did your mom ever say why she married your dad?" He asked. 

Neil shook his head. "My uncle told me that people who were in love got married. But that seems like a lie." He smacked his stick against a branch too close to his head. 

Andrew squeezed his hand. He loved Neil, he really did- Bee told him that people who loved each other were always thinking about each other, always wanted that person to be happy and safe, respected them, and cared for them. She said that there were different types of love and that he was free to love Neil in any of those ways and Bee was always right. He loved Neil, a whole lot, and he never wanted to hurt Neil when they got older. If marriage turned people into angry, abusive assholes than Andrew didn't want it, no matter how pretty movies made it seem. "We can make our own kind of marriage." He told Neil. 

Neil looked at Andrew with big blue eyes that got him out of trouble a lot. Andrew understood, he'd let Neil get away with arson if it meant he kept looking at him with those pretty eyes. "What do you mean?" He asked. 

Andrew kicked a rock, watching it go off the trail and distantly heard Bee sigh. "Well, if marriage between a man and woman always ends up with them hating each other and hurting each other, then we just need to make sure that we don't marry a girl." That seemed to be the common factor that Andrew could find. The men didn't seem to like their wives, which, wasn't that the whole point of being together? They were supposed to love each other. And Andrew's old foster mothers kept complaining that their husband's spent all their time with friends. Andrew was sure that everyone would be more happy if they got married to their best friends. 

"Are you saying we should get married?" Neil asked, a big smile on his face. "I don't have to marry some random girl?" 

Andrew shook his head. He didn't like the idea of Neil marrying anyone else, they would make their own marriage where they promised to always respect and protect each other. "No you don't. We'll promise to always care and protect each other." He explained. 

"And we always keep our promises." Neil nodded. He raised his stick in the air, knocking it into some lower tree branches and sending a bunch of leaves down onto them. Neil laughed, and Andrew simply squeezed his hand, a small smile on his face. He'd make sure to always take care of Neil, to love and protect him so well that no one would ever think of sending him somewhere else. He'd make sure that Mary could never hurt Neil again. They'd be together, safe and happy, forever.

-

Andrew wondered if his stomach would ever calm down when it came to Neil. He wondered if his face would ever stop blushing whenever Neil got close. But he didn't think it would, that he would have to live with his body getting tingly every time Neil held his hand, with how his face heated up any time Neil got really close. It was okay, if not a bit annoying because he and Neil had been holding hands for years at that point. And the blushing was really inconvenient in the hot California sun. Andrew couldn't even walk home after school with Neil without feeling like he would die from the heat. 

"Fuck, this makes me miss Baltimore." Neil complained, looking two seconds away from melting right there on the sidewalk, one hand in Andrew's and the other fanning himself. 

Andrew felt the same. Although, he had never been out of town before other than the few field trips they had taken. Bee had promised to take him somewhere during the summer break though. Maybe they could go somewhere where it wasn't like a million degrees outside. "Why don't we stop inside the deli?" He suggested. "We could buy some snacks and cool down." 

"You just want to buy gummy worms." Neil complained but he pulled Andrew towards the deli anyways. It was right on the route home for both of them so they often came by over the years to get out of the heat or to buy snacks. 

"Yeah and?" Andrew demanded. He pushed the door open with his shoulder like he had seen adults doing, he thought it was cool, and the little bell above the door went off. "I like gummy worms." 

Neil made a face. Somehow, Andrew's best friend hated sweet things, and they often got into disagreements like this. Petty ones that Bee would always solve by distracting them with food. She wasn't subtle, Andrew knew exactly what she was doing. But it meant that he got all of the sweets so he didn't say anything. "Fruits are better." Neil argued. 

"Shut up, you think math is fun." Andrew shot back. He spotted the gummy worms and grabbed a bag. "Your opinion doesn't count." 

"Fuck you, math is fun!" Neil yelled back. 

An adult that passed by them gave him a dirty look that was returned with Neil's glare. It was a fierce thing that even adults were afraid of, and the man flinched away with a scowl on his face. Andrew couldn't wait until someone actually shit themself from Neil's glare. 

"What was I saying?" Neil asked. 

"'Fuck you, math is fun'?" Andrew offered. He dragged Neil over to the fruit section and grabbed him an apple. He picked the best, juiciest looking apple for Neil. He loved strawberries more than apples but the deli didn't have any strawberries. Plus, Neil could eat the apple with one hand so they could keep holding hands. And it would keep Neil's mouth busy so he didn't cuss out another older lady. The last time he did that he almost gave her a heart attack. It had been really funny until Bee scolded them both. But Andrew knew Neil didn't care enough to not do it again. 

"Oh right!" Neil gasped. "Fuck you! Math and fruits are awesome!" 

"You're a weirdo." Andrew told him, looking at him fondly. He could do this forever, he knows. 

Neil smiled warmly, showing all the affection Andrew knew was on his own face. He leaned closer to Andrew, their shoulders touching. "Yeah I know." He said. "But you're a weirdo too." 

"Obviously I am." Andrew promised. He put their snacks onto the counter and pulled out the wallet Bee got for him. It had dinosaurs on it because that was Neil's favorite. He got a weekly allowance and got more whenever he helped with some chores. Andrew hadn't told Bee yet but he liked to spend time with her and doing chores with her was a good way to cover that fact up. 

"Do you need your hand?" Neil asked. He looked as reluctant as Andrew to let go. 

"No I got it." Andrew said stubbornly. He was becoming a master at one handed workings. He refused to let go of Neil's hand when he could help it- some days he didn't want anyone touching him but Neil always understood- and that included doing something as boring as getting money out of his wallet. 

"Just let go kid," the cashier said with a scowl on his face. He was a mean old man who had been on the receiving end of Neil's outbursts more than once. Mainly because he tried to kick Andrew out because he thought Andrew didn't have any money because he was a 'dirty street urchin'. Neil had actually bitten his ankle when he said that. It was a miracle they hadn't been banned, Andrew knew it was because old Jerry was embarrassed about being exposed as a cruel old man who picked on an orphan. 

"No." Andrew said. He wasn't letting go of Neil's hand if he had anything to say about it. He balanced the wallet against his hip to open it up. It was tricky but he managed to get it open and grab the five dollar bill he got that morning. He handed off his wallet to Neil for safe keeping then gave the bill to Jerry. Well, he slammed it against the counter but he was still giving it to Jerry. 

Jerry sneered at them, like they were a plate of rotting food someone had offered him to eat. Andrew knew that because he had been offered rotten food to eat before. He snatched the bill and rang them out, handing the change to Andrew. "Boys shouldn't be holding hands." He told them. "We don’t need any more fags around." 

Andrew paused as he collected their goods. He had heard that word before, it got thrown around a lot at the group home, by his foster parents, by random people on the street but he had no idea what it meant. He just knew it wasn't a good thing. Did that mean Andrew wasn't a good person? But how could someone who didn't know him judge him? 

"Why do you keep calling kids names?" Neil asked, genuinely curious with his head tilted. "We don't even know what that means. Just because you call us something doesn't mean it's true. And it won't make me stop holding Andrew's hand." 

Andrew grabbed the snacks they had gotten and handed Neil his apple. He clutched his gummy worms to his chest as he felt something heavy weigh on him. He didn't like this feeling and he didn't like that word. 

Jerry sneered and waved a dismissive hand at them. "Get the hell out of my store." He demanded. "And don't come back in if you're gonna hold hands." 

"Go suck a lemon." Neil yelled at him, managing to flip Jerry off even while holding his apple. He turned to Andrew, his eyes angry and defensive for Andrew, making the weight on Andrew's chest lighter. "Lets go Drew." 

"Yeah, let’s go." Andrew agreed.

-

Andrew pushed around the mashed potatoes on his plate, a frown on his face that he knew Bee noticed. He couldn't stop thinking about what Jerry had said to him, not when he and Neil got home, not when Neil's hug lasted longer and he held on tighter because he didn't want to go back to his mom, not when he came down for dinner, and certainly not now when he was trying to eat. He had a plate full of edible, delicious food in front of him. He would have killed someone to have this just a little bit ago and now he couldn't focus on eating it. 

"Is everything okay?" Bee asked gently. She never pushed for Andrew to speak, always leaving it up to Andrew to decide if he wanted to answer her or not. It made Andrew want to answer her more often then not, but this time he wasn't sure how to describe what he was feeling. He thought that maybe if he understood the word used he might understand why he felt so off. And Bee was the smartest person Andrew knew, he was sure she'd know what the word meant and why it made Andrew feel bad. Why he felt ashamed when before he hadn't. 

"What does 'fag' mean?" Andrew asked, eyes fixated on his plate. He should eat. He should eat because he knew from experience that the next meal might not come. But he felt like he couldn't eat another bite, there was something stopping him from eating. 

Bee froze, she had wide eyes that worried Andrew. She gently put her spoon down and gave Andrew her whole attention. "Who told you that word?" She asked. She didn't sound like she was accusing Andrew but Andrew still tried to sink into his chair. Adults loved to blame him for things that weren't his fault. 

"Jerry, at the deli." Andrew mumbled. 

Bee took a deep breath and got up. She paused when Andrew couldn't find his flinch. "Andrew," she said gently and for a moment Andrew thought she was going to scold him, tell him to never bring this up again. "You're not in trouble, you'll never be in trouble for asking me something." She promised. 

Andrew looked at her, still nervous that she'll scold him. The other adults hated when he asked too many questions. He remembered when he was much younger, before being placed in his second to last foster family, where his foster dad had smacked him across the mouth for asking 'too many questions'. Adults never had any patience but he wanted Bee to be different. 

Bee knelt down next to Andrew, a tight smile on her face. "I’m not mad at you, I promise." She assured. "I’m mad at the person who said that word to you." 

"Why?" Andrew asked. He didn't know what it meant or why it made him so upset and uncomfortable. He knew it wasn't a good word, and that Jerry meant it to be mean but he didn't understand. 

"Because it’s a very mean word meant to hurt a certain group of people." Bee explained. She slowly held her hands out for Andrew to take, and when he did she gave them a gentle squeeze. "It’s a word used to make people who like others of the same gender feel like they don't belong." 

Andrew paused, not completely understanding what she was saying. "What do you mean?" He asked. 

"Well," Bee said, her smile less tense than it had been a moment ago. "In this world there are a lot of different people. Some people are born differently than others and that’s perfectly alright." 

"Like a girl who was born a boy?" Andrew asked, remembering the nice teenager who gave him the only good piece of bread in a whole dumpster. She had been really nice to him and had originally been born a boy. She was the one who told Andrew that his name was changeable and didn't always have to be Doe. 

Bee lit up in the way it did every time Andrew had engaged in learning or made her proud. "Yes exactly!" She agreed. "And there are boys who are born girls." 

Andrew nodded. That he could understand. It was like how he didn’t want to be a Doe for the rest of his life. People were allowed to change things they didn't like. Andrew approved.

"And that means there are girls who like girls." Bee continued. "And boys who like boys." 

Andrew frowned slightly. Didn't all boys like other boys? Because they said that girls had cooties. And the girls always hung around other girls, claiming that boys were gross. "Isn't that what always happens?" He asked. 

Bee shook her head. "I mean there are some boys who are in love with other boys- they love each other like how a boy and a girl would love each other." 

Andrew blinked slowly, then ran over Bee's words again and again. Boys could love other boys? That was an option? Andrew didn't have to get married to some annoying girl? He really could marry Neil one day? "I can do that?" He asked quietly. "I can marry Neil?" 

Bee's smile only softened and Andrew could see the pride in her face. "Of course you can." She promised. "Do you love Neil, Andrew?" 

Andrew felt that fluttering in his stomach again- the flips and the heat in his cheeks every time he was with Neil. He knew what it all meant now and looking at Bee, it was clear that she had known too. "Yeah, I do." He said. 

"Yes you do," Bee agreed, lifting a hand up to ruffle his hair. It felt really nice, no one had done that to him before Bee. "And that’s perfectly normal and anyone who calls you that word again are very sad people who try to destroy what they can’t understand. They are not people you should listen to, Andrew. The way you love Neil is a very beautiful thing- don't ever let anyone ever make you think otherwise.”

-

Neil was laughing, a loud snorting kind of laugh, the one he got whenever he was making fun of someone for being stupid. Andrew liked that laugh, he liked the way Neil sounded a little evil, he liked the way he looked so free when they both knew what would happen when he got home. He didn't like the way his stomach knotted itself into a messy pile that Andrew now knew he'd never be able to detangle. Because Andrew was in love with Neil, it wasn't just friendship that he felt for Neil. He wanted to be with Neil forever, he wanted to hold his hand more than they already did, he wanted to kiss Neil. Because he was in love with Neil. It made sense, he supposed, if he really thought about it. Of course he wasn't above those feelings like he wanted to be, but he had never had a good example of romantic love before outside of movies. But the movies never showed someone like him, a boy who liked another boy, falling in love. It was always a man and a woman. He thought that was it was supposed to be like that even if he had never liked a girl like that, it was why he told Neil they should marry each other instead. It turned out he was just different, he loved a little different but Bee promised him it was okay. She told him it was okay that he was in love with Neil. So, it was okay. But Andrew didn't know what to do about it. He didn't want to ruin what he had with Neil because Neil might only love him as a friend. He might not love the same way Andrew does and Andrew didn't want to risk losing Neil over this. 

"Do you like anyone?" Andrew asked. 

Neil looked at him with a tilt of his head, his auburn hair falling into his bright blue eyes. "What do you mean?" He asked. "I like you." 

Andrew felt his body heat up at Neil's words but he knew Neil didn't know what he was asking. Neil was weirdly dense to certain things. "I mean, like a crush." He explained, his heart pounding in his chest. He was afraid that Neil might say he liked a girl or another boy. He wasn't sure what would be worse- Neil not loving like him or loving like him but not him. 

Neil's frown grew more and Andrew just wanted to take his hand and never let go. "Do I have to?" He asked, his face twisting with disgust. 

"No." Andrew assured him, letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding. "You don't have to." 

Neil let out a sigh of relief and a smile slipped back onto his cute face. "Oh good." He said. "I don't want to have to like anyone." 

"How come?" Andrew asked. If he looked around he could admit that he found a couple of the boys running around the designated play area in the wood's clearing that they were at for a field trip cute. He liked their smiles, the way their hair kept falling into their faces, but they'd never hold a candle to Neil. He could understand not liking girls though, when he looked at them he felt nothing but annoyance. Their voices were too high, it sounded like pig squeals when they laughed and Andrew just didn't understand why the other boys liked them, especially when Neil was right there for them all to see. 

"Because I don't like people." Neil said with a twist of distaste in his face. "They keep touching me, and laughing too loudly and they're like walking germ annoyances. I saw Robert eat Thomas' boogers last week." 

Andrew smiled, just silently, and relaxed. Neil was Neil, he was a little shit who hated the majority of people just like Andrew. Of course he wouldn't like anyone he couldn't stand. And so far, he could only stand Andrew. Andrew really did love him. "You might change your mind when we're older." 

Neil scoffed like that was the most offensive thing Andrew could have ever told him. "I can promise you I won't." 

Andrew believed him. Full heartedly he believed him.

-

Popcorn was spilled over the blankets that were wrapped around Neil and Andrew, candy wrappers in a pile near Andrew's feet, and the TV playing Aladdin because Andrew thought Aladdin was handsome. He liked that he kept his vest open but he wasn't sure why. Of course, Aladdin didn't have anything on Neil. No one could compare to Neil. Neil laid next to Andrew, using his shoulder as a pillow, his eyes fixated to the screen. His mom didn't let him watch TV at home anymore, she said it would melt his brain but Andrew thought she was crazy. 

"If you had three wishes what would you wish for?" Neil asked quietly as Aladdin whisked Jasmine away on his magic carpet. 

Andrew wanted to find a magic carpet for Neil, so they could fly away from here together. They'd take Bee of course because she always worried whenever they took off in front of her. "I’d wish for us to always be together." He told Neil. 

"You don't have to wish for that." Neil told him. "I'll always be here with you." 

"Yeah but you never know." Andrew argued. He trusted Neil, he did, he really did. He loved Neil after all, he loved him and to love someone you had to trust them. So he trusted Neil. But he didn't trust Mary. He didn't trust her to not rip Neil away from him. "What would you wish for?" 

"For my mum to stop talking about my father." Neil said quietly. 

Andrew turned onto his side, so he was giving Neil all of his attention. Aladdin and Jasmine's singing in the background, soft and lovely. "Is she seeing things again?" He asked in a whisper. It was a secret that Neil trusted him with. He hadn't told anyone, not even Bee about it even if he thought he should to protect Neil. But sometimes, Mary fought with a man who wasn't there, Neil's father. 

"Yeah." Neil confirmed. He turned onto his side too, looking at Andrew with those big blue eyes that Andrew loved. "She hides in her bedroom when they happen but I can still hear it." 

Andrew gave Neil his hand to hold, his body growing warm when Neil slipped his hand into it. He wasn't sure what he could do other than to tell Bee, but Neil already asked him not to so he wouldn't. But one day, when he was older, when he was strong enough, he'd make sure to do something for Neil. He'd protect Neil with everything he had until then. "Come to me." He said. "When she gets like that, just come to me." 

Neil smiled and for a second it felt like Andrew's heart stopped. "Okay." He agreed. "Now come on, what other wishes do you want to make? You have two more." 

Andrew couldn't help but get closer to Neil, the boy who loved fire and who Andrew loved so much he'd do anything for him. He couldn't believe how lucky he had gotten to meet Neil so early in their lives, and he hoped that they would always be each other's best friend forever. That would be his wish- to be by Neil's side forever and even though wishes and genies in lamps didn't exist he still found himself believing that maybe this time it would work out, just this once.

Chapter Text

Andrew's heart thumped against his chest, loudly and begging to be free it seemed. And all he was doing was watching Neil watch the fire in front of them. Neil had always been fascinated by fire, and Andrew had always been fascinated by Neil. Even if Neil was burning someone alive Andrew wouldn't be able to look away from him, he was pretty sure he was totally fucked. But oh well, he didn't mind that much. 

"He hasn't moved in an hour." Mary whispered behind them, her voice not reaching Neil's trance. Only Andrew could pull him out and he never abused this power because he knew how much Neil loved fire. 

"Don't worry, we're all keeping an eye on him." Bee said gently and Andrew knew she had a patient smile on her face. She had grown used to Neil's love for fire, and had long since stopped trying to get him to look away. She was worried about it, Andrew knew from the slight twitch of her lips, but she was keeping her concerns to herself. Andrew had tried to reassure her that Neil would only ever burn something down if he had too or if someone hurt Andrew but that had only made her lips twitch again. But Andrew knew Neil was fine the way he was, with all his weird little quirks and his anger. He was perfect in Andrew's very correct opinion. 

"That damn boy takes after his bastard of a father." Mary hissed. 

Neil didn't move, his eyes fixated on the fire he loved so much. Andrew tore his eyes away from Neil to glare at Mary. They could hear her and her cruel words. Mary flinched. Good. No one got away with speaking bad about Neil.

"Perhaps you should refrain from saying things like that in front of the children." Bee suggested with an edge to her voice. Her usual smile was strained too. Andrew trusted Bee to deal with Mary, and he hoped that maybe she would figure out what Mary did to Neil so Andrew wouldn't break his promise. He turned away from them to stare at Neil, who was still unaware of what was happening. 

Neil was smiling now, a small gentle thing as the flames flickered in front of him. Andrew liked to see him smile, to see him happy even if he didn't understand it. He thought he was really understanding what it meant to be in love and he really didn't mind it anymore. Not when Neil turned away from the fire to smile so brightly at Andrew, his blue eyes sparking. Yeah, Andrew really didn't mind it at all.

-

"Hey Andrew," Neil swung their arms that were connected at their hands. It was obnoxious and the adults always hated when they did it, which was why they did it. "When we get married can I wear the dress?" 

Andrew raised an eyebrow at Neil. Some of the other kids in the hallway looked at them confused and disgusted but Andrew ignored them. If their brains were too tiny to comprehend that two boys could love each other than they weren't worth any of Andrew's time or attention. "We're boys," he told Neil. "You don't need to wear a dress." 

"But I want too!" Neil countered. He stuck his foot out and tripped a passing student with glee. He turned back to Andrew and grinned. "I want to wear a veil and a pretty dress while you wait for me in a white tux!" 

"Do you want to wear a dress because you feel like a girl?" Andrew asked. He still remembered the nice girl who used to be a boy who gave him the good bread from the dumpster they were searching through. She was the one who told him that names were gifts, that they could choose their names and change them if they wanted. She was really nice and Andrew really hoped she was okay. So he knew that there were people born as the wrong gender, but he selfishly hoped that Neil wasn't a girl. He loved Neil, but he knew he couldn't love a girl. Of course he'd still be Neil's friend. 

Neil hummed, in serious thought as they turned the corner. They were supposed to be heading towards the cafeteria for lunch but they were going to go spend it in Bee's office instead because fuck the system. "No, I'm not a girl." He eventually said. He swung their arms again and Andrew immediately reached out as Neil's sleeve slipped down his arm, exposing the finger shaped bruises that his mom left. They both looked around and relaxed when they saw no one looking at them. "Thanks." Neil said. 

"Of course," Andrew said. He knew how scary it was and how desperate he had been to hide them because the next house could be worse. 

Neil smiled at Andrew, squeezing his hand. "As I was saying, I'm definitely a boy." He said. "I just like dresses and skirts!" 

Andrew thought about it, about how when given the opportunity Neil chose a boy name for himself, how when he could he would wear night gowns instead of pjs, how he wanted to wear a dress when they got married but still called himself a boy. He nodded, accepting Neil's answer as the truth. Neil may be a liar, but he didn't lie to Andrew. "Okay, then if you want you can wear a dress." He told Neil. 

Neil grinned so brightly Andrew wondered if this was what it was like when Neil stared at the fire. If he felt his heart pound in his chest so hard he worried it'd burst open. He hoped it was the same.

-

Neil was 'sick'. Andrew knew he wasn't really sick. He knew that Neil too bruised to move, that Mary had started seeing things again and was convinced that a man who didn't even live in the country anymore created the bruises on Neil's skin. He knew that Neil wasn't sick, but he couldn't tell anyone. And Bee wasn't like his past homes, who didn't notice when he skipped school, she wouldn't risk Andrew getting sick because she cared about him. Neil didn't have an adult like that. Andrew worried about him, but he couldn't see him until after school ended, after Bee made sure he wore a mask and cleaned his hands. Because she cared. 

"It’s weird to see you without your other half." One of the teachers said as Andrew slowly made his way down the hallway. 

Andrew ignored her because he didn't care about her. She was just another adult who didn't care about them because they were 'problem children'. 

"Little freak." A classmate said, a sneer on his face. 

Andrew shoved him, sending him down to the ground without blinking. "Fuck off." He told him. 

The teacher panicked and helped the boy up, sending a glare Andrew's way, her nice smile gone in an instant. "Andrew Doe," she scolded as the boy smirked at him. "You do not push others." 

Andrew looked up at her without feeling a thing and wished he was strong enough to push her too. Instead he turned on his heel and kept walking. He ignored her yelling and sped up his steps when he heard her following him. But she was in heels and Andrew was so used to keeping up with Neil. He made it into Bee's office and slumped against the door. Bee wasn't in, she had told Andrew she would be in a meeting for the first half of lunch so he was going to be by himself. Except he shouldn't be. If Mary had just kept her hands to herself Neil would be right next to him, a big smile on his face at the idea of no adult supervision. 

Andrew went over to the table already covered in papers and crayons. He grabbed the ones that most matched Neil's vibrant hair and began to draw circles. He liked to fill the page up with the color. Sometimes he did it with blue but there wasn't a shade of blue that he could find that would ever match Neil's eyes. Andrew went through five pieces of paper; drawing himself and Neil; himself, Neil, and Bee; his ideal place to get married; and of course his and Neil's wedding invitations, when the door to the office opened and in came a man. 

Andrew couldn't stop the flinch that took over him. He gripped his crayon as he tried to tell himself to calm down. Bee would never let a man into her office that couldn't be around kids when she knew Andrew was there alone. It didn't stop the fear though. 

The man, dressed in a police's uniform which only made Andrew dislike him more, looked down at Andrew and instantly his face softened. Andrew resisted the urge to run away from him, he was a cop so if Andrew ran it would make things worse. The man knelt so he was closer to Andrew's height and smiled. "I didn't mean to startle you." He said. "I'm looking for Bee, is she here?" 

Andrew didn’t answer, didn't shake or nod his head. He couldn't lie to the police and he wasn't in the habit of lying to people anyways, that was Neil's job. But he didn't want to let this strange man know that he was here alone. He didn't know what this man might do to him if he realized Andrew was all by himself. 

The cop didn't move closer and didn't seem to be annoyed by Andrew's refusal to answer. Instead he reached up and pointed at his ears. "Can you hear me?" He asked. 

Andrew nodded once. Neil would've already made this man go away. He would've screamed or simply set fire to the room. Maybe Andrew could use the good scissors Bee kept hidden in her desk? But he wasn't sure if he was faster than the cop. He didn't seem to be like the overweight, under trained cops Andrew saw. He seemed like he could catch up to Andrew, maybe not Neil but definitely Andrew. 

The cop nodded. "Do you know where Bee is?" 

Andrew nodded once again. He did know. He just wasn't going to say anything. 

The cop opened his mouth again but didn't get to say anything because the door opened and Bee came rushing into the room. Andrew immediately got up and rushed over to her, admittedly hiding behind her leg. It was either act like a shy boy or let the cop see his true fear. He should take more cues from Neil; act a little better, wield violence to protect himself. Next time he should grab those scissors and jab them into the man's neck. 

Bee shielded Andrew from the cop with her arms, never touching Andrew because she was the only adult who didn't touch without asking. She was giving the cop a deadly glare that made Andrew relax because she was protecting him when Neil couldn't. "Officer Higgins, I thought I told you to come after school." She said with a slight edge in her voice. 

The cop, officer Higgins, stood up, hands help up in surrender. "Sorry about that, Bee." He said. Andrew narrowed his eyes at him, he wasn't close enough with Bee to call her that. She was a doctor and adults had to call her that. Because she worked really hard to become a doctor. "But it's important." 

Bee sighed, but her glare was still there. It was kind of funny to see her so mad. She was a short, chubby woman who wore thick brown glasses and cable knit sweaters and smelled of sunflowers. She was the most un-threatening person Andrew had ever met. It was like watch a little bee pick a fight with a wolf. She turned to Andrew, kneeling in front of him, and gave an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry Andrew," she said calmly. "I forgot to tell you that officer Higgins was coming by to discuss some big kid matters." 

Andrew glanced between Bee and Pig Higgins- he was pig now because both he and Neil agreed that all cops were pigs. "What kind of matters?" He asked. 

Bee smiled at him. She liked it when he asked questions, although Andrew wasn't sure why. "Officer Higgins works with troubled youth, and he wants to talk to me about occasionally talking to them. Try to help them in anyway I can." She explained. 

Andrew thought about it and decided that if anyone could help it would be Bee. She was the only adult who seemed to care. She listened and she cared, she would be great at helping kids that no one else wanted to even look at. "Okay." He nodded. "Can we visit Neil after school then?" 

Bee easily agreed and let Andrew go back to drawing. Andrew didn't ask anymore questions, knowing that Bee would answer them later. So instead, he went back to making things for Neil, hoping he would be okay in the meantime. Soon Andrew would be there to protect him and one day Mary would be out of their lives.

-

"I'm telling you Neil, the pig likes Bee." Andrew hissed. 

Neil hummed as he munched on his strawberries that Andrew brought with him. They were at the park, with Bee and Mary hanging back by the benches as Neil and Andrew took over the miniature watch tower. They were too big to sit in their hiding spot now, they could maybe crawl through it but not together. So instead they took over the watch tower, pissing off all the other kids who wanted to play up there. 

"He keeps coming up with excuses to visit her." 

"Pigs are no good bastards." Neil said, popping another strawberry into his mouth. He couldn't eat them at home anymore, his mom had become convinced that Neil was allergic to strawberries even though he wasn't. And they were Neil's favorite, so Andrew did what he could to make sure Neil got them. 

"Yes." Andrew agreed. "And he keeps coming around." 

Neil hummed again, his fingers playing with the snapping handles of the container Bee used. "We could set a bunch of fires to distract the police department." He suggested. 

"You just want to burn things." Andrew accused. He would still help Neil with his plans to burn things but this was serious and not the time for his desires to burn things. 

Neil rolled his eyes, his cheeks stained with strawberry juice. "Yeah," he agreed. "But it would also distract the pigs." 

Andrew wasn't so sure about that. From what he understood, pig Higgins was more like a school resource officer than a cop, he spent most of his time dealing with troubled youth than solving crime. He wasn't even sure why he was a cop. Maybe the bastard did it because he thought it would impress Bee. Well he'd be very wrong. It didn't impress Bee and it certainly didn't impress Andrew. Damn bastard. "He works with troubled kids, I doubt he'd be called to the fires." He explained to Neil. 

Neil looked at Andrew like he was stupid which was rich because Neil was both the smartest yet stupidest person Andrew had ever met. He then pointed at Andrew, then himself. " We're troubled kids, Drew." He said. 

"But he won't get involved until after we're caught!" 

Neil looked downright offended that Andrew would even suggest that they'd get caught. Andrew was starting to believe Neil was going to become a crime lord or something. Andrew had better be his second in command. They could be husbands and partners in crime. 

"We're not getting caught!" Neil exclaimed. He threw a stem from his strawberries at Andrew's face. Andrew wasn't impressed. 

"Then how does it solve our original problem?" Andrew asked. 

Neil froze, looking deep in thought and it was really cute. They were slowly reaching the age when everyone was getting interested in other people- Andrew heard a lot of the girls giggling about boys and boys talking about which girls they thought were pretty. But Andrew already had everything figured out- he was in love with Neil and it was okay. He found everything Neil did to be cute and watching him realize that his suggestion of fire wasn't the answer was really, really cute. "Oh." He said quietly. "You're right." 

Andrew knew he was but he didn't say it. He just looked at Neil and waited for him to come up with a new plan. Neil always had a plan, crazy but totally doable.

"We could push him into the sea?" Neil suggested. "Maybe a shark will eat him." 

"What if he knows how to swim?" Andrew asked. 

"Well, he's a pig. I don't think pigs swim." Neil answered confidently. 

Andrew almost laughed at Neil, but he didn't because Neil was looking at him with those big blue eyes. He couldn’t win against him and his big blue eyes.

"Can I hold his head underwater?" Neil asked with a sparkle in his eyes. 

Andrew thought that maybe he should be concerned but he loved Neil, and people who loved each other supported each other. Also because he hated Higgins and wanted him to stay away from his mom. "Sure." 

Neil grinned brightly at Andrew and for a moment Andrew felt like he was staring at the sun. He quickly stood up and held out his hand for Andrew to take. "Come on, I wanna yell at the kids telling them they can't come up here. Kinda like that movie we watched with Bee!" 

"Monty Python?" Andrew took Neil's hand and let Neil struggle to pull him up to his feet.

"Yeah! That!" Neill agreed with a toothy smile. "Maybe we can throw some rocks at them!" 

"Okay."

-

"And then the kitty came right up to us and sat in my lap." Andrew told Bee, recounting his and Neil's day at school. 

Bee had a cold, so she could only see Andrew off and pick him up. She had nearly collapsed when they got home so Andrew made her sit on the couch and made her tea, just the way Neil had shown him. It had made her really happy, which made Andrew really happy. So happy it scared him a bit, like if he kept being so happy something bad would happen. But him and Bee were working on dealing with those thoughts. 

Bee smiled as she listened to Andrew recount his day, the best part of it being when they encountered a kitten in the school playground, gently holding her tea and taking small sips of it. Her face was flushed from her fever but she still took care to listen to everything Andrew told her. "That’s a great honor." She said, her voice hoarse even with the tea. Maybe Andrew should add more honey? 

Andrew nodded, swinging his legs, kicking them against the couch. If he had been in a different home he would've been beat for ruining the furniture but Bee never seemed to mind. She said it was part of growing up, that furniture was meant to be used not stay in pristine condition simply to look nice. "Neil was jealous." He continued. "He wanted to hold the kitten but the kitten fell asleep." 

Bee nodded sadly. "Poor Neil." She sighed. "It’s the universal rule that if the kitty falls asleep on you, you can't move." 

Andrew nodded his agreement. Neil had been devastated and was seething with jealousy, but he calmed down the moment the kitty shifted in her sleep, afraid to wake her up. It was fascinating that someone who was so eager to commit arson took such care and love for a small creature, it only made Andrew love him more. 

"What did you two do?" Bee asked. 

"Neil hid her under his jacket and took her home." Andrew said, his voice smug at their heist. They had hidden the kitten when recess ended and once school finished, before they left, Neil grabbed the Kitten they called King Fluffkins and hid her under his jacket. Andrew wanted to take her, but Bee was sick. And unlike Mary, Bee didn't hear and see things that didn't exist and would have noticed the meowing.

Bee chuckled, and Andrew felt pride bloom in his chest at the sound. He found that he really liked making Bee happy, like maybe it was a way to repay her for taking him in, for caring about him, for believing him. He wanted to do what he could for her and all her patience, for when she didn't get mad at him for screaming at night when the nightmares felt so real, or when she still loved him even after he broke her favorite mug. It almost felt like she really was his mom- he'd never ask her to be, not wanting to push his luck. This was more than enough for him. 

"I see." Bee hummed before coughing into her fist. 

Andrew frowned. He leaned forward and grabbed a cough drop and handed it to Bee. 

Bee took it with a grateful smile. 

"Should we order in?" Andrew asked. He didn't want to make Bee cook something when she wasn't feeling well, that was mean. He had seen some of his previous foster fathers force their wives to cook even when they could barely stand up. Another way Andrew and Neil's marriage would be vastly different than traditional marriage. If Neil was sick Andrew would force him to rest and take care of everything around the house. 

Bee nodded, rubbing her throat, her face pinched with discomfort. "Yes, that's a good idea." She sighed. "Do you want to pick a place?" 

Andrew nodded. "Stay here." He told Bee. He jumped off the couch, slightly annoyed by how small he still was even though he was already nine and had two people to protect, and rushed to the kitchen to pull out all the take out menus from their drawer. He had them memorized but it was better to compare them side by side when choosing dinner. Plus, this way Bee could add her input. He grabbed the pamphlets and went back to the living room, spending the next five minutes with Bee deciding what to order. When they agreed on Italian, Andrew getting a big bowl of spaghetti and Bee getting lots of soup, Andrew put in the order for Bee. He paid the delivery driver when he arrived and got the plates ready. It was nice, having a quiet dinner in the living room, the TV on a low volume to not make Bee's headache worse. Just the two of them, like a real family that was too tired to cook a meal. It was nice, kind of like a dream. 

Andrew was putting away the leftovers, Bee fast asleep on the couch, when there was a rushed knock on the door. Andrew rushed to the door, not wanting Bee to wake up when she just managed to fall asleep. He opened the door and saw Neil with a black eye, holding King Fluffkins protectively in his arms on the other side. 

"Neil!" Andrew hurriedly pulled Neil into the house. "What happened?" He didn't really need to ask, he already knew what happened, knew that Mary put her hands on Neil probably because of the kitten. It made Andrew mad. It made him really mad that Mary kept putting her hands on Neil, that she kept hurting him.

"Mum wasn't happy about King." Neil muttered, his hands holding King tightly but gently against his body. How could anyone hurt a kid who put himself in between a violent, mad woman and a helpless little kitten. Andrew couldn’t understand the world or the adults that ruled it.

Andrew reached out slowly, making sure that Neil could see him and stop him. Neil flinched, his shoulders drawn up tight but he relaxed instantly, leaning towards Andrew's touch. Andrew cupped Neil's cheek with one hand, the other pushing back his long, curly auburn hair that looked like fire, so he could get a good look at the bruise. It was bad, it was really bad, Neil could barely keep his eye open and there were cuts and scratches from Mary's nails and jewels. Andrew was going to kill her. He was going to kill her and light her body on fire for Neil to enjoy. She would get what was coming to her for daring to hurt Neil. "Come on, we'll leave King with Bee." He said gently because Neil feeling safe was more important than Andrew's rage. 

Neil nodded, looking down at the poor, malnourished kitten in his arms. "She reminds me of us." He whispered. 

Andrew knew what he meant. King was them- underfed, unloved, ignored and beaten but still trying so hard to live. She was Andrew before Bee, she was Neil trying to live with someone who hurt him. But they would love her, and let her live her best nine lives with them just like Bee was doing for Andrew. 

"Come on," Andrew gently took King from Neil's small hands, she was barely bigger than Andrew's hand. He took Neil's hand and led him into the living room. "Bee will make sure she's okay." He promised. Bee would make sure that King was safe, just like she did with Andrew. Because Bee was the only adult Andrew trusted. 

-

The night sky sparkled with stars, beautiful and vast and just begging to be explored. Andrew wanted to go up there with Neil and King and Bee with him, jumping from star to star, learning everything he could far away from the cruel humans on earth. They could all live happily in space together. 

"There's so many." Neil whispered next to him. They were lying on their backs, staring up at the stars above them, the ones they couldn't see at home because of all the light pollution. Another reason to not like humans. Bee had taken them and King, safely in a cat travel bag, to a campsite close by for a night of camping. It had taken many hours arguing with Mary to let it happen but Bee managed to convince her, now Neil could be free of her madness, even for just one night. 

Andrew tore his eyes away from the stars to look at Neil who was a prettier sight to behold. His eye was healing slowly, but it looked better than when he first showed up on Andrew's doorstep. "Yeah." Andrew agreed. 

"They're kinda like your freckles." Neil said with a smile tugging at his lips. He turned to look at Andrew, the smile slowly taking over his face. "You have a lot of freckles." 

Andrew glared at him even though he knew it would be useless, the tips of his ears burned and he was glad it was dark so Neil couldn't see the pink taking over his face. "Of course you'd say that." He said with fake annoyance. 

"You do say I stare a lot." Neil agreed. And he did. He stared a lot, not that Andrew was any better. He stared right back, how could he not when Neil was the greatest thing in the world, in the endless universe? 

"So, do you know how many freckles I have?" Andrew taunted. 

"Forty seven." Neil said the moment Andrew finished his question, a proud smile on his face. He reached out and ghosted his hand over Andrew's nose and cheeks. "You have forty seven freckles on your face, but sometimes one or two on the edges disappear."

Andrew froze, his face too hot too handle. It was too much and Neil was still smiling at him like that , he noticed too much and it was too much. Andrew took Neil's hand, holding it tight, trying to regain his mind but he was sure it was too late for that. "Shut up." He muttered. 

Neil just grinned brightly at him, and Andrew was more than happy to ignore the stars above them to stare at Neil's smile. It was prettier than any star in the vast sky- and it was just for Andrew.

Chapter Text

Andrew and Neil ran around and around the house, chasing after King. She was fast and tiny, managing to even outrun and out hide Neil. She had to get her fur brushed, but she always acted like it was torture at first. She always ended up loving it, it was just getting to that point that was a challenge. 

"We do this every week and she acts like we're trying to bathe her in acid." Neil complained as King ran under Andrew's bed. It was too low to the floor for either of them to crawl under, so they'd either have to move the bed or just wait for King to come out on her own. One was less work and Andrew was tired of running around the house. 

"She's dramatic." Andrew flopped onto the floor, staring up at the glow-in-the-dark stars Bee helped him put up after they got back home after their camping trip the year before. They were arranged in accurate positions, the constellations had been drawn on the ceiling before they stuck them up then Bee managed to erase the pencil marks while Andrew stared up at the ceiling and showed everything to King. Actually, if Andrew thought about it, King was rather patient with them, letting them drag her around and pet her anytime they wanted. So maybe this was her way at getting back or something. "Like you." 

Neil was unimpressed but flopped onto his back next to Andrew, instantly taking his hand into his own. "You're the drama queen here." He said. 

Andrew looked at Neil, the stars abandoned on his ceiling in favor of the cutest boy in the world. "I'm not dramatic, I'm just right." He told him. 

"Okay just because you were right about the ending to Fight Club doesn't mean shit!" Neil argued but he was just mad that Andrew always guessed the ending to the movies they watched. Except for the Saw movies. Neil always got those right and all the stupid puzzles within seconds. It was annoying. 

"No need to be a sore loser." Andrew stuck his tongue out at him. 

Neil scowled at him but Andrew knew he wasn't really mad because he just held Andrew's hand tighter. "You’re getting smug." He said. 

"And your homicidal tendencies are getting stronger." Andrew teased. He had plenty of evidence including all the ways Neil thought of to kill Pig Higgins- who was still trying to flirt with Bee even though Andrew had told him multiple times to stop it. People who didn't respect boundaries were horrible and Andrew refused to let his mom get swayed by someone like that. 

Neil rolled onto his side, pouting so cutely he looked like a bunny. "It’s not my fault." He grumbled. 

"Of course it's not." Andrew assured, squeezing Neil's hand. "I'm just teasing." 

Neil sighed, his auburn hair falling into his face. "Mum says it's because my dad is influencing me."

"But your dad is in Poland." Andrew had never met Nathan Wesninski but he knew the stories- how he had pressed a hot iron into Neil's shoulder, used Neil's body as a knife sharpener, broke his bones so many times within the four and a half years he lived with the man- and that was all he needed to know. If he met Nathan he would stab him. Obviously. But he wasn't even in the country, on the same continent, as Neil or Mary. He didn't call, he didn't write, he didn't care about them. Neil didn't even know if he was dead or alive although he hoped that he was dead. It was impossible for Nathan to be influencing Neil, which meant it was the delusions Mary kept having. "Don’t listen to her." Andrew told him. "Her opinion doesn't matter." 

Neil looked at Andrew in a way Andrew wasn't fully able to understand. "Yeah I know." He promised. "But sometimes murder is fun." 

Andrew snorted, unable to hold it back and taking in Neil's giant smile. "You only think that because you think you won't get caught." 

"Excuse you, Drew," Neil scolded. "But I know I won't get caught when I commit crime." 

Andrew couldn't help it, he laughed at the pure ridiculousness, his face hurt from his smile. Neil looked at him with a smile that nearly broke his face in half and soon he started to laugh too and it was just like music to Andrew's ears.

-

"And then you tug gently but firm on the thread." Bee explained, her voice warm like honey. Her hands working like an expert while Andrew and Neil's projects looked like shit. "Now you're going to stick the needle back into the middle of the stitch you just made." She explained, positioning her embroidery hoop towards the boys so they could see it. She slowly brought the needle back through the cloth in the middle of the previous stitch she made, her pale purple thread making it easier to see than Andrew's black thread. At least he wasn't using an obnoxious orange like Neil was. 

Andrew gripped his needle, determined to make it look like Bee's no matter how many times he poked himself. Bee chuckled at his determination but jokes were on her because he was going to make her something with this skill. He would make her a nice bumblebee on a flower because bees were important to the world, just like Bee was important to him and Neil. 

"I keep stabbing myself." Neil pouted. He had gone completely off task, randomly making running stitches wherever he could. 

"That'll happen in the beginning." Bee assured. "I still do it and I've been doing this for a very long time." She promised. 

Andrew kept re-stabbing the cloth over and over again, the needle not going where he wanted it to go and he would not lose to a piece of fabric. "You also have little regard for your own personal safety, dumbass." He informed Neil. 

Bee just sighed but didn't try to curve his swearing, she simply watched over Andrew's work as he finally got the needle where he wanted and pulled it through. Only for the thread to have knotted while he wasn't looking. 

"What the fuck?" Andrew demanded, showing the disaster to Bee. 

"Oh dear," Bee gently took the hoop and tried to tug on the thread. "It seems you've encountered every embroiders worst annoyance- a knotted thread." 

"That’s bullshit." He told her. 

Bee nodded solemnly. "Yes it is, honey." She agreed. "Let me fix this for you." 

Andrew nodded, his body warm from her nickname. He turned to look at Neil, who was happily leaning against Andrew's side as he continued to make running stich after running stitch. 

"When you get good at this can you make me a fox?" Neil asked, looking up at Andrew with his big blue eyes that he had to know Andrew couldn't say no too. 

"Sure." Andrew agreed. "But why a fox?" 

Neil shrugged, turning slightly so he could rest his chin on Andrew's shoulder, his auburn hair falling into his face. "They're really cool." He explained. "Imagine a fox in space, or ripping a cop to shreds." 

Andrew snorted, imagining Neil's ridiculous scenarios. He could see a fox in space with them, in her own little space suit and helmet; or a fox ripping a cop to shreds while Neil and Andrew cheered. He could also imagine Neil holding a fox, both of them smiling the same wide, slightly mischievous smile that Andrew loved to see. 

Bee handed Andrew his hoop back, the thread unknotted and ready for him to use. "How are you doing on your project, Neil?" She asked. 

Neil held up his hoop for Bee to show her all of his wanky and frayed stitches. "I'm calling it: Andrew's Patience." He said because he was a little shit. 

Andrew glared at him completely unimpressed but Neil just grinned at him. 

Bee chuckled- betrayal- and handed Neil some more thread she had precut for them. "Good job, Neil." She praised. "I'm sure you two will both become very good at this." 

Andrew huffed. He would become good at embroidery. Neil would give up in about a week when the novelty of stabbing something wore off. Then he would bug Andrew with his pretty blue eyes to make him something specific and Andrew would cave every time. 

"Thanks Bee." Neil said with a smile. "Hey Drew, wanna race and see who can make more stitches?" He immediately asked. 

"Fuck off." Andrew huffed. He repositioned his hoop, needle in hand as he made another stitch. "I'm busy." 

Neil groaned, his bottom lip out in a  pout that worked too many times to count. "But I wanna race." 

"Then chase King around." Andrew told him with a gesture towards where King was on the floor, fighting against a ball of fluff. 

"Okay!" Neil agreed easily. He gently handed Bee the hoop and thread back, the needle slipping into his pocket without Bee noticing, before jumping off the couch to annoy King. 

Andrew instantly missed him. But it was okay, because he would learn to sew from Bee today and spend the rest of his life with Neil. It was okay.

-

Andrew and Neil held each other's hands tightly, unsure of why they were sitting in the office this time. They had been behaving mostly well lately, spending most of their time with Bee during their last year before middle school. The most they had done lately that could be potentially bad was that they maybe pulled the fire alarm last week to get out of gym class with the weird gym teacher. But no one could prove it. 

"We didn't do anything lately, right?" Neil whispered in their secret language. 

"How much crime have you done that you can't remember it all?" Andrew asked back, his voice low. The secretary gave them dirty looks but Andrew ignored her. She didn't like that Neil was brown so her opinion didn't matter. 

Neil shrugged, tangling their fingers together. "That’s between me and god." He claimed. 

Andrew gave him a look . "You don't believe in god." He reminded him. 

Neil placed a finger over Andrew's lip, barely touching Andrew, ignorant of the way Andrew's face heated up. "Shh," he shushed. "Don't think too hard about it." 

Andrew rolled his eyes, ignoring the butterflies in his stomach. Neil could be ridiculous, he was so lucky he was cute and that Andrew loved him so much.

"Boys," the secretary called out, her annoyance and dislike barely hidden on her bitchy face. "The principal is ready for you."

Andrew and Neil looked at each other, an understanding to not snitch without Bee present passing between them. They knew their rights. They stood up, still hand in hand, and walked into the principal's office. 

"Boys," the principal greeted but it wasn't kind. "Sit." He gestured at the seats in front of his desk. They were spaced apart enough that they wouldn't be able to hold hands and that wouldn't work for them. 

Andrew pushed the heavy chairs closer together, ignoring the glare from the principal. Only after the chairs were close together did they sit down, hand in hand because otherwise Andrew worried one of them would throw a punch. 

The principal was scowling at them with a hatred that already had Andrew wishing he could punch him. Bee said there was nothing to be ashamed of, he was just himself, and no one could judge him for something he couldn't and didn't want to change. Loving Neil was the greatest feeling Andrew had, he couldn't imagine a life without Neil by his side even if they only ever stayed friends. 

The principal folded his hands on top of the desk, looking pointedly at Andrew and Neil's intertwined hands. "Now boys," he said in the tone that adults used to be condescending towards kids. "You're both ten now, yes?" 

Andrew nor Neil answered him. They had rights and they didn't have to say anything without a lawyer present. 

The principal sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose in annoyance. "Let me answer that for you: you are both ten years old. You are old enough to know that this behavior," he gestured at Andrew and Neil's hands. "Is no longer excusable by your age." 

Andrew looked at Neil, his grip tight. He knew that one day someone would try to separate them, it was why they tangled their fingers together so much- so they couldn't be separated. 

"Oh fuck off." Neil said, his voice seemingly bored but Andrew heard the anger in it. 

"Excuse me?!" 

"You heard him," Andrew jumped in, his voice steady and calm. "Fuck off." 

"We're just holding hands." Neil informed him. "I've seen Ms. Delphi and Mr. Thomas kissing and touching each other's butts in the hallways. Us holding hands means jack shit." 

Andrew nodded in support. They weren't the problem. Every time Andrew saw something inappropriate it was always straight people. Bunch of weirdos they were. 

The principal's eye twitched and his anger grew on his stupid face. "It is inappropriate for two young boys to be holding hands." He insisted. "You are both old enough to know this." 

"To know that homophobia exists and that you're a pathetic old man who probably watches lesbian porn?" Neil asked with a raised eyebrow. Fuck, Andrew loved him so much. He never wanted to miss Neil tear someone a new one with just his words. "Yeah I guess we are old enough to know that, but you're much older than us and should know that homophobia is very wrong. Do you need to work through all your so oh complicated feelings?" Neil asked with an innocent tilt of his head that Andrew knew wasn't real. He was just being a little bitch to the principal. "We can always get Bee in here, I'm sure her teachings will be a huge help for you." 

The principal was bright red, and it was hilarious. It's what he deserved for being a homophobic prick. Andrew should take a picture of this and put it up all over the school. Neil would find it funny too. "Don't talk back to me, boy." He said. 

"Go fuck yourself, old man." Neil spat back. "I'm gonna hold Andrew's hand until we're dead and buried. And even then I'm gonna hold his hand!" 

"Like those skeletons found in that documentary we watched?" Andrew asked, his heart racing in his chest. Neil wanted to hold his hand forever, just like Andrew did. 

Neil nodded, a bright smile on his face that Andrew knew what he was talking about. "Yeah! I like holding your hand, this way we can always hold hands!" 

Andrew nodded. It sounded like a plan to him. "I like holding your hand too." He told Neil. 

"Fuck what this old pig has to say." Neil giggled and leaned closer to Andrew, pushing his knees onto the seat of the chair. "Hey hey, let's go get some ice cream after school." He said conspiratorially. "While Bee is talking to the baker who always stops us, we can race off to the ice cream place." His eyes twinkled with mischief. He didn't even like ice cream, he just liked causing chaos and Andrew was helpless to say no to him. 

"As long as we don't scare Bee." Andrew said. He didn't want to give her a heart attack by leaving her on her own, even if it was to make Neil happy. 

"Deal." 

"Boys!" The principal slammed his hands onto the desk, causing Neil and Andrew to violently flinch, Neil's body shook without his permission. He had never done well against violent old men and only Andrew knew why, only Andrew had seen the scars left by a man who had no problem hurting a little boy. Andrew would not let this stand. 

"Now that you've both shut up." The principal sighed, violence in every inch of his body, unaware of the memories he brought up. "You'll both shut the hell up and listen- you are to stop holding hands or I’ll-" 

Andrew grabbed the mug full of pens and pencils and threw it at his head, the mug falling onto the desk and breaking. "Run!" He told Neil, seeing the way his blue eyes went from clouded to clear. 

He jumped off the seat before Andrew to stand up and dragged him with him, both of them running out of the office ignoring everyone around them. They ran down the halls, heavy footsteps behind them, their breathing heavy and Andrew kept tripping over his own feet. But he kept holding Neil's hand tightly, he refused to slow Neil down as they ran towards Bee's office. They barely made it in time before their pursuers caught them. They locked the door and slumped to the ground, leaning against each other for support. 

In a little bit, when they caught their breaths and were able to tell Bee everything, Bee would get them settled on the couch with snacks before she marched off and yell at the scummy principal until her voice was hoarse- but for now, Andrew and Neil just leaned on each, hand tight together so no one could separate them.

-

Andrew hissed as he pricked his finger again with his needle. It was a bad habit he had when it came to his embroidery, but he wasn't sure how to deal with it. Bee said it would get better with practice but Andrew had been practicing every day and he was still pricking himself. 

Andrew grumbled to himself as he set his piece down- he was practicing his back stitching by doing the outline of a dinosaur, a T-rex- and pushed himself away from his desk and made his way downstairs. He ran out of band aids in the upstairs bathroom- Neil's fault- and hadn't gotten around to telling Bee that it had to be replaced. 

So he just went downstairs to get some more, only to find fucking Pig Higgins standing in Andrew's living room talking to Bee in that voice men used to get women to go home with them. While he was standing in Andrew and Bee's home! The urge to push him into traffic was strong, very strong. 

"Bee," Andrew called out instead of committing crime. He couldn't do anything with Bee watching. She'd be disappointed in him and might even send him back into the system. He'd have to wait. "I need a band aid." 

Bee immediately abandoned her conversation with Higgins and rushed over to Andrew, relief and worry on her face. "Are you alright, Andrew?" She asked. 

Andrew held up the finger he pricked. "I just pricked my finger again." He assured her. 

Bee relaxed, a relieved smile on her face. "Did you run out of band aids upstairs?" 

Andrew nodded. Neil had used them to cover up the bruises his mother gave him, and of course Andrew kept fucking pricking his finger with his needle. Stupid needle. 

Bee smiled and went to the kitchen, mumbling her grocery list and adding band aids to it as she went. She said it was to keep track but Andrew was pretty sure she just mumbled to herself a lot. He never needed tricks to remember things. While Bee was busy, Andrew glared at the pig in his living room, making sure that the asshole knew he wasn't welcomed here. 

"Hi again, Andrew." The pig said, with a smile Andrew didn't believe for a second. "It’s good-" 

"Fuck off." Andrew interrupted. "Get out of my house." He flipped the pig off for good measure and followed Bee into the kitchen. He doubted that that would deter the pig, but it was a start. 

Bee smiled at him and handed him a dinosaur band aid. She left him to put it on so she could say goodbye to the pig- she shouldn't let him back in but what did Andrew know?- and by the time Andrew finished and came out the pig was blissfully gone. 

"Why does he have to come around at home?" Andrew asked. 

Bee chuckled, now holding an brown envelope that adults used to hold important documents. "He was just here to drop off some documents I needed." She explained, gesturing to the envelope in her hands. 

"What is it?" Andrew asked. 

Bee went and sat down on the couch. She patted the spot next to her and Andrew went immediately, easily settling next to her. Bee smiled brightly at him. She opened the envelope and pulled out a bunch of papers with too many words- why did adults need to make everything so wordy?- and handed one to Andrew. 

Andrew took it and froze when he saw the words at the top of the paper: Certificate Of Adoption. Andrew blinked and rubbed at his eyes, held the paper up to the ceiling light- but it didn't change the words on the paper that was now shaking in his hands. Was this real? Was what he thought was happening happening? Andrew looked at Bee, his eyes wide and the fear of all of this being a cruel joke fighting against the hope that Bee really would become his mom. 

"If it's okay with you," Bee said gently. "I’d love to become your mom." 

Andrew felt something wet fall from his eyes and he panicked, not wanting his tears to stain the one thing he wanted so desperately his whole life. "It’s okay," Bee promised. "Paper dries, forms can be reordered, just let it out, sweetie." 

Andrew choked on a sob, nodding his head rapidly when the words ' yes, yes, yes ' couldn't come out through the fear in his throat. He wanted this. So badly. He really, really wanted Bee to be his mom. He wanted to be her son, he wanted to know that she would never send him back. "You're gonna be my mom now?" He asked, his words coming out muddle and skewed by the tears and sobs that wanted to come out. 

"Oh honey," Bee chuckled, arms open for Andrew to chose whether to hug her or not. He instantly fell into them, finally having a mom to hug him. She wrapped her arms around Andrew, warm and everything Andrew had ever wanted. "I became your mom the moment I met you.”

Andrew held on tighter, tears pouring out of his eyes and a sob ripping through his throat. He had a mom now. He wasn’t an unloved orphan. He finally had a mom who loved him, who cared about him, who held him when he was scared and made him soup when he was sick. He sobbed his yeses into Bee’s warm, familiar sweater, feeling so safe in her arms as she gently rubbed his back. He finally had a mom and it was the best thing in the world.

-

"Sorry, Nathaniel is sick today." The teacher said. She always used Neil's birth name because she was a stubborn bitch who hated nicknames or something. She said that everyone had to go by their 'real' names given to them at birth but that was hypocritical because she was married and used her husband's last name. 

"No he's not." Andrew argued. Neil never got sick and he didn't think that Mary would beat him so badly when Bee was so suspicious of her now. Neil wasn't sick. He should be at school with Andrew so Andrew could tell him that Bee was officially going to be his mom, and far away from Mary's heavy hands. 

The teacher gave Andrew a scowl, annoyed that he dared to talk back to her. She could shove it. "He is, now run along." She waved her hand dismissively and Andrew knew she wasn't going to listen to him and would just send him to the principal's office if he kept 'making a fuss'. 

Andrew should stab her. Or maybe her husband, make her understand his worry because people like her have no empathy for anyone but themselves. Andrew knocked her pencil holder off of her desk and walked out of the classroom, going straight for Bee's office. His mom's office. 

Bee- Andrew's new mom - was setting up new photos in her office, adding more toys she had gotten over the weekend for the kids who would come to see her because she was the best. 

"Oh hi, Andrew!" Bee greeted even though they only parted a few minutes ago. "Did you forget something?" 

"I can’t find Neil." Andrew told her. He didn't like not knowing where Neil was. He knew he wasn't sick- the one time Neil had been sick he had still come to school insisting that he was fine, so Andrew would know if he was sick- and since he wasn't sick then it meant Mary was the problem. And that was far worse than anything Andrew could think of. 

"Maybe he's running late." Bee offered but the frown on her face said she didn't believe it either. She had to know what Mary was up to, and maybe if Andrew searched her desk he'd find her notes he knew she took after every conversation she had with the woman. Maybe if Andrew pushed, she might tell him she was going to call CPS that day because she was so, so worried about Neil. 

"He's never late." Andrew said quietly, the fear of something bad eating away at him. "Mary would never let him be late." 

Bee's frown only worsened. She set down a photo of Andrew and Neil, both of them holding their first attempts at sewing as Neil gave a toothy smile to the camera and Andrew gave his best attempt at a smile, onto her desk. She looked at her coat with her car keys in the pocket that hung on the wall, then back at Andrew. She had to know that this was different, that the dread that had settled into Andrew's stomach was based in something other than his fears of abandonment. "Okay, get your coat and backpack." She said, ushering Andrew out. "We'll go check on him." 

Andrew nodded, his stomach a bottomless pit of worry and dread as he raced towards the coat hanger where he left his coat earlier. He heard Bee dial a number on her phone, speaking softly as he slipped out of the office, going back to the classroom where he left his backpack. His teacher yelled at him, the kids sneered at him or laughed at him, but he didn’t care. Something wasn't right and he knew it. 

"Okay, yes, I will meet you there." Bee was saying as Andrew re-entered the office. She looked at him, coat flung over her arm and keys in hand. "Yes. My son will be there as well, yes." 

Andrew felt the pride at Bee calling him her son, but it was quickly buried by panic and worry for Neil. But after this was all over, Andrew would let himself fully embrace being Bee's son, because he was her son. 

"Yes, okay." Bee hung up and held her hand out for Andrew. 

Andrew only hesitated for a moment before taking it. He was ten, he only held Neil's hand, he didn't like adults touching him- but this was Bee. He could trust Bee. He could trust Bee.

-

The house was quiet. It was too quiet. Neil was never quiet- he was a force to be reckoned with, his presence always noticeable to Andrew. He may run across the floor without making a sound but Andrew could always follow him, always knew which way he ran, could always hear the smile in his movements or the laugh he let out as Andrew followed him. 

There was none of that as Andrew looked around Neil's house- all in perfect order, with everything where Andrew remembered it to be but all lifeless. Neil and Mary's coats hung on the coat rack, the pocket of Neil's full of cat treats he liked to give out to the strays they found; the photo of Neil on his first day of school was still hanging on the wall of the living room, next to the large bookshelf full of books with worn spines; the couch had a blanket thrown onto it, the edge touching the ground and the coffee table had a half full mug that stunk of coffee. The kitchen was a mess though, full of dirty dishes and broken plates on the floor, like someone was fighting an imaginary person; Neil's uneaten breakfast was on the floor, the strawberries he snuck in smashed and stepped on; but Mary's food was half eaten on the table still. Upstairs, the walls of the staircase full of pictures of Neil, Mary, and a man Andrew only knew from photos who was Neil's uncle, everything was much the same as downstairs but far more confusing. 

Neil's room was just as Andrew had left it- light blue with dinosaur stickers on the wall; the white carpet still had the blue stain from when Neil dropped his slushie onto it and tried to wipe it off with his shoe; Neil's clothes weren't neatly in his closet but strewn across the floor, dirty mixed with clean, his favorite night gown was on top of the pile along with his bonnet; his backpack was on his bed, all his drawings and school work still inside with his stuff animals on the bed alongside the backpack; all but one photo was right where they had been before on the walls, on his desk, on the bookshelf that held books about various animals and one about arson he stole from the library. The one photo missing was Neil's favorite- it was of Andrew and Neil, taken by Bee while they out on that nature trail when they were eight, hand in hand and smiling at the camera. It was the first nice thing that Bee had taken them too, one of many advantages she took them on. It was the day they agreed to marry each other, stupid and naive. Neil had the stick he found that day in his hands in the photo, smiling so happily as Andrew couldn't help but smile a bit at his best friend's antics. But now it was gone. The frame it had been in was taken apart in a rush, laid on the desk in pieces. 

Bee told Andrew that Mary's room had been trashed, but it was always like that from what Neil said. Some of her clothes were missing, as were some of Neil's but not his favorite ones. Their passports and IDs were still left, Mary's medication was still in the bathroom full to the brim like she had never taken a single pill. And Neil and Mary were nowhere to be seen. 

They were gone, disappeared into thin air and Andrew didn't know what to feel. He didn't know how to feel when Bee and the social worker she called frantically called and searched the empty house while Andrew sat on Neil's bed, staring at the blue stain in the carpet. He didn't know how to feel when the cops came, swarming the house, looking and looking and wasting time asking questions. He didn't know how to feel when Higgins, his face torn and sorrowful, knelt in front of him as the others took photos around them. 

Higgins opened his mouth but all Andrew heard was gargled speech, like they were underwater while trying to speak. He couldn't make out a single word he was saying. Maybe Higgins realized that Andrew couldn't hear, maybe he saw the depraved state of him, maybe Bee said something to him or maybe he didn't want to deal with him anymore. He stood up, a frown on his face. He reached behind Andrew, his hand disappearing from Andrew's sight only to reappear holding Neil's fox stuffy. It was his favorite- he even named him Joseph after Andrew. 

Andrew had to take that away from Higgins, he had to make sure no one took that from Neil's space, that it was still here when Neil came back. He had to protect Neil's things- his favorite night gown, his bonnet, his photos and books, his favorite toy that he loved so much the fur was worn and had been hand stitched back together multiple times. And maybe he did reach out, maybe he did do something to stop Higgins because the next thing he knew he was clutching the fox to his chest. 

He was holding onto it tightly as people swirled around him, determined to make sure no one took it away from him. It was his until Neil came back. Until Mary was dead in a ditch and Neil was back home and safe from her paranoia. It was his until he died or Neil came home. It was all he had of Neil. He loved Neil more than anyone in the world. So it was his and he would protect it, keep it safe like he should have done for Neil. Like he hadn't done for Neil, because Neil was gone and Andrew didn't know what to do.

Chapter Text

Andrew Dobson never had good luck. He may have been adopted by his mom, Betsy Dobson; he may have met the love of his life at the young age of five; he may no longer be in the horrible foster care system but he still never had good luck. He only became Bee's son because he had went through actual hell, suffered from wandering hands and painful acts that no child should know about much less experience. He failed to protect his best friend, the boy he loved, and now he was missing, long lost to him and with each passing day it seemed he'd never be found. 

Andrew had put up flyers with Neil's face on them, he kept his fox plushie safe, he actually helped the police and watched the news every night hoping there would be updates on Neil. There was nothing. In the months that had passed there was no new news on Neil. People forgot about him, no matter what Andrew did people forgot he existed, that he was in trouble, in danger. Andrew hated the world. He really, really did. 

It didn't get better when he started middle school, when the kids got meaner, taunted him for rarely speaking, misused Neil's name to get a reaction out of him, made fun of him for being adopted, for not being loved enough for his 'actual' mother to keep him. Andrew solved his problems with his fists but that hurt Bee and he didn't want to do that. He still did it though. He didn’t want to do it but he did.

"Andrew," Bee called from downstairs in the kitchen. "Dinner is ready." 

Andrew counted to ten before he pushed himself off his bed, the stars on his ceiling still shined brightly even though they shouldn't. He went downstairs, feeling numb like usual. Bee thought it was worrisome that he was so numb, that he didn't talk most days, that he seemingly stopped caring about life but Andrew wasn't sure what else to feel. He sat down at the table and Bee smiled at him, it had hints of concern. She placed a plate full of good, well cooked food and sat next to him. She told him about her day, how she had read a wonderful article done by a journalist in Chicago about gang involvement and how it effected high school drop out rates. 

"For someone who isn't a sociologist, or even a research scientist I say she does an absolutely wonderful job at pointing out the correlation between gang involvement and dropping out of high school." Bee explained. "I even sent her an email so we can discuss more about her research. I'm curious about how she gained the trust of multiple gangs without getting into trouble." 

Andrew listened, he always listened to his mom. Even if he wasn't particularly interested he still listened to her. 

"Ms. Stephanie seems to have a real understanding of her community as well- I may not have had a minor in college but I was interested in sociology." Bee continued with a chuckle. "Gosh, I'm rambling again. Did you have any trouble at school today?" She asked Andrew. 

Andrew shook his head, stuffing his face with food so he didn't feel bad about not answering her with words. Words were just hard, they had always been a bit hard before but now that Neil was gone they were even harder to find. And he didn't care most of the time to find them, no one really deserved them but Neil and Bee. 

Bee smiled at him, not expecting any more from him, not expecting him to talk when she knows he can't. "Would you like to sew after dinner?" She asked. "We can watch a movie, have some ice cream, and get some work on our projections done together." 

Andrew nodded again. He could do that for Bee. She worried about him, he could do this with her to ease her worry. He wanted to be a good son, and this was a way to do that. Even if Andrew hated the world.

-

Andrew threw a plastic cup at Higgin's head, heaving with anger that the man was standing in Andrew's living room, holding a bouquet of flowers for his fucking mom. No fucking cop was going to even try to date his mom, especially not the man was supposed to be fucking finding Neil but hadn't even found a single fucking trace of the boy who always caught attention wherever he went. Andrew wouldn't allow it. He wouldn't allow this man to be near his mom, not for any reason other than professional. And even that was fucking reluctant. Andrew fucking hated this man. He wanted him dead and buried and far away from him and his mom. 

Higgins let the cup hit him, looking at Andrew with a pitiful expression. Andrew fucking hated that expression. He hated it he hated it he hated it . And he hated Higgins for fucking looking at him like that. He wasn't to be pitied. He wasn't some fucking pathetic loser who needed the pity of a fucking cop. 

"Andrew-" Higgins started. 

Andrew felt a hot flash of anger go through him that made his body feel like it was on fire, burning his entire body into action. He grabbed a lamp on the table near the couch and chucked it at Higgins’ head. 

Higgins ducked, narrowly missing it, letting Bee's lamp smash against the wall like a coward. 

"Get. Out." Andrew hissed through his clamped jaw. He hated this man, and he wanted him out. He never wanted to see his face again. He didn't want to see him or the memories he brought up. 

"Andrew," Higgins said in a placating voice. Like Andrew was being unreasonable. Andrew hated him more. "I'm not going to hurt you or your mom." He lifted up his hands, bringing back Andrew's attention to the flowers he was holding. For Bee. For Andrew's mom. The man couldn't find Neil but he could find the time to try and date Andrew's mom? Andrew should shank him. 

Get out get out get out Andrew yelled over and over again in his head, the words no longer coming out despite the need for them to. He wanted to grab the end table and throw it at him, but he didn't have the strength. So instead he grabbed the TV remote and threw it. Then he grabbed the throw pillows from the couch to throw. Then he threw a picture frame holding a picture of Andrew from a few years ago, a smile in his eyes that hadn't been there in a year now. 

Higgins dodged every attempt by Andrew to get him the fuck out of his house. He kept fucking standing there, holding a bouquet of flowers and looking at Andrew like he was someone to be pitied and Andrew fucking hated him. 

The front door opened before Andrew could throw another picture frame, one with a photo of Andrew on his first day of middle school. He hated the photo, the dead look in his eyes, the way Bee worried over someone like him because of it. 

Bee stepped inside, a bag of cat litter in her arms for King who was hiding under Andrew's bed, waiting for him to come up so she could lick his face and let him hold her until he felt something again. 

"What’s going on?" Bee demanded, sending a glare towards Higgins, making some of Andrew's anger loosen in his chest. She pushed her way inside, dropping the bag of litter onto the floor away from the broken glass. She rushed over to Andrew, worry etched onto her face. Wrinkles were starting to form on her forehead, around her eyes and mouth, only pronouncing her worry. "Andrew, honey, are you alright? Are you hurt anywhere? Did you cut yourself on the glass anywhere?" She asked, hand held out in between them for Andrew to decide if she could touch him. 

Andrew shook his hand, slowly putting the picture frame back onto the end table. He leaned into her touch, letting her fret over him, let her gentle worrying smother his anger just a bit. She checked his hands for cuts, checked his arms and his face. 

She stopped before checking his feet, remembering that Higgins was still there, still holding a bouquet of flowers. "Can you go upstairs and make sure you don't have cuts on your feet?" She asked. 

Andrew flicked his eyes towards Higgins, still standing there like an idiot. 

Bee followed his gaze before looking back at him. "Don't worry, he won't be staying long." She promised him. She hadn't broken any of her promises so far, so Andrew nodded. He trusted her to get rid of the pig who couldn't do his job. 

As he was heading upstairs he heard Higgins say in a nervous voice, "they're not from me. They're from the mom of that troubled boy you helped. She wanted me to give them to you." 

Andrew thought that was horse shit. But he was just a broken eleven year old, so what did he know?

-

Andrew had gotten better at embroidery. He wasn't pricking himself as often as before. He wanted to tell Neil this, to tell him that he was improving just like he said he would but he couldn't. Because Neil had been missing for one year, seven months, and ten days. Because Mary had to ruin all their lives in addition to her own. 

So, instead, Andrew told King, who was curled up next to him on the couch. King purred contently against his side, warm and breathing. Andrew was really, really thankful to her. She made things better when everything felt like shit. 

Andrew tied off the thread, using the tiny scissors to cut it then tied a knot at the end of the thread. He was working on his leaf's and flowers, creating a nature piece that he would give to Bee when he finished. It was a bit sloppy but that was the point, he was still learning, still refining his fine motor skills. He knew all the steps, he knew them from the first time Bee showed him, but it was putting it into practice that was difficult. 

Andrew started on a stem stitch for the vines, careful not to prick himself by accident, King still purring beside him, keeping him warm and safe in place of Bee. Bee was out, having to deal with an emergency call. Something about needing a therapist that's worked with traumatized children or something. It had filled Andrew with pride for just a moment that his mom was called upon because she was the best. She even managed to deal with Andrew after the incident with his last foster father. She was amazing. It was why Andrew was making her something. Even if he couldn't use his words, he would make sure she knew he cared and loved and appreciated everything she did for him. 

King meowed just as Andrew finished another leaf. It wasn't perfect, he had fucked up a bit near the end, but it wasn't that bad. Andrew put the hoop down and gave King attention, scratching under her chin just like she liked it. 

Andrew picked her up, her fluffy fur had shed to the point that there was an outline of her on the couch- Andrew would clean that up later- and carried her to the window. Bee had been gone for two hours already, he wasn't worried but he still wanted to check. He peaked out of the curtains with King and ignored the anxiety in his gut when he saw that Bee's car still wasn't in the driveway. It was okay. She was important and needed. He remembered how long it took during the police investigation. Andrew didn't want someone like him, overlooked and not believed, to go through that without anyone on their side. 

King meowed again, her tail swinging wildly and hitting Andrew's side. Andrew gave her tiny cute head a little kiss and held her closer to him. 

Another look outside showed Andrew that now there was a strange man standing on the side walk. He stood out, wearing an expensive black suit in the California heat even if he did have sunglasses on too. He had dark brown hair, chopped short in a way that reminded Andrew of the military officers he saw on TV, and his skin was brown, and dear fuck was he short looking. He seemed to be shorter than Bee, who was already short at around 5'4. He kept looking around like he was lost and if this had been in one of the other neighborhoods Andrew had lived in it would've meant the guy would get jumped, robbed and maybe stabbed. He should be lucky that he was in a good neighborhood where that wouldn't happen. 

Andrew adjusted how he was holding King so he could show her the man too, hiding partly behind the curtain still. "If he comes into the house," he told her quietly, his voice hoarse from disuse. "Scratch him. I'll stab him." 

King meowed in agreement. Their plan was set. They would defend the house while Bee was away. And if the man touched King, Andrew would make sure he suffered. 

The man outside turned and looked at Andrew through his black sunglasses. 

Andrew quickly closed the curtain and ducked, crouching on the floor, holding King protectively against his chest. No one was hurting his kitty. 

After a few minutes, Andrew peaked out the curtain again but the man was gone, no trace he had ever been there. Just like what happened with Neil. He simply disappeared off the face of the earth one morning, leaving Andrew and King behind. 

Before Andrew could dwell on what happened, the phone rang. 

Andrew set King on the floor and went to answer the land line. Bee insisted that they keep a landline even though cellphones were more convenient- Andrew even had a very old flip phone that was only for emergencies. It wasn't like he had any friends to text anyways- she said it was important to have one. So they had one. Andrew picked up, some of his anxiety that wasn't even there easing at the sight of Bee' number. 

"Hi honey it's mom," Bee's gentle voice said through the phone, erasing all of the worried Andrew refused to admit he had. "I'm going to be home in an hour and a half. I'll pick up dinner on the way home, do you want pizza?" She asked. 

Andrew nodded. "Yes." He said quietly. He could Bee's smile in her voice and it made him think that maybe he was doing something right, that he was being a good son. 

"I’ll see you soon, make sure to keep the doors locked, keep the curtains closed and give King kisses for me." She said, her voice light and so very warm. 

"Okay." Andrew promised. 

"I love you honey, I'll see you soon." Bee promised, and Bee always kept her promises. 

"Me too, mom." Andrew said, knowing that even if he couldn't say those words back to her, he'd do everything in his power to make sure Bee still knew he loved her. He couldn't protect Neil, couldn't tell Neil how much he loved him before he disappeared but he could still show Bee. He could still be a good son. He would be a good son, no matter what he would be a good son.

Chapter Text

Andrew couldn't ignore the other kids in his school anymore, as much as he wanted to he couldn't. Especially the other boys. He couldn't stop sneaking glances at the boys in his classes, wondering what their hands would feel like in his- then immediately feeling guilty for thinking about it. He knew what a boy's hand in his felt like, he had held Neil's hand for nearly five years, constantly and seemingly endlessly. Just because Neil was missing didn't mean he could cheat on him. They were going to find him one day, then Andrew wouldn't feel like the world was dull and boring with only small pops of color that faded as quickly as they appeared. He loved Neil, he didn't need to look at another boy's smile and wonder what it would feel like to be close to him. 

"Alright class," the teacher called out, clapping her hands together to gather the kids attention. "Gather into your pairs for your vocab." 

Andrew sighed internally. He didn't need to do this, nor did he want to spend the next thirty minutes with his partner Jeremy. He was cute, with floppy brown hair and bright brown eyes and a freckled face from the California sun, but dear fuck he was annoying. His cuteness did not make up for how happy and smiley he was. Plus, he wasn't nearly as cute as Neil was- Neil was the cutest person in the world. 

Jeremy sat down next to Andrew, having to move away from all of his annoying friends, with a big smile on his face. It was annoying. "Hi Andrew!" He announced. "Ready for this vocab?" 

Andrew ignored him. He didn't need to work on the vocab. He remembered everything anyone said, everything he read or saw- he remembered it all against his will. He remembered every single second of his god forsaken life, every single slap and late night visits he remembered. So no, he didn't need to go over the vocab. 

Jeremy persisted as if Andrew ignoring him wasn't rude and deliberate. "Okay, so, let’s get started!" He pulled out his laminated flashcards that just screamed privileged and set them on the desk. "Shoe?" 

Andrew ignored him. He knew the answer and he didn't care about helping Jeremy. Besides, Andrew shouldn't even be in a Spanish class. He spoke both French and German already, learning it alongside Neil years ago. Of course, he hadn't told anyone about that. That might be his problem. 

"Zapato!" Jeremy announced when he realized that Andrew wasn't going to play along with his game. It kept going like that, Jeremy announcing a word in English and waiting for Andrew to say it in Spanish then doing so himself when he realized Andrew didn't care. One would think that he would understand that Andrew didn't want to be around him. He wasn't cute enough for that. No one was cute enough for that, no matter how much his eyes liked to linger. 

"You know," Jeremy mused, elbow propped up on the desk, chin in hand. "You'll never graduate if you don't study." 

Andrew sighed heavily. He didn't owe Jeremy anything but he was so fucking annoying with those freckles and that big smile that had to be covering for something. "Vete a la mierda, no sabes nada sobre mí, así que no puedes decir cosas así. Estúpido." He said, his accent shaky but much better than their idiot teacher who only spent a few months in Spain- that wasn't even where the better Spanish was spoken, idiot. 

Jeremy blinked in surprise, nothing happened for a moment before his whole face went bright pink. His brown eyes went wide and his smile got on the bit hysterical side. "Oh- I see-" he laughed nervously, hand on the back of his neck. "You learn something new everyday." 

Andrew sighed heavily and turned away from Jeremy and whatever it was he was doing. He wasn't in the mood. If this had been Neil, Neil who always understood Andrew, then Andrew would've been unable to look away. He would've made jokes with him and give him all the attention he wanted. He'd give Neil anything. He'd give everything for Neil to come back.

-

"Oh yes I believe that is an excellent point you bring up!" Bee chuckled, her face tinted pink as she talked on the phone to her friend Stephanie Walker. She had reached out after reading Stephanie's article about gang involvement and level of education. They originally only emailed each other, but it was hard for them to talk science and stuff over text so they began to call each other. Andrew didn't mind, he liked hearing Bee be so happy. She had a friend she could talk to, and it meant that she didn't have to talk to Higgins. 

King meowed at Andrew, demanding that he stop doing his homework and pay her attention. She was an attention whore- somehow going from a thin, barely alive kitten he and Neil found on the playground to a spoiled princess. Andrew loved her. He put his pencil down and gently grabbed her, lifting her up and placing her in his lap, petting her with one hand and finishing his homework in the other. 

"Should I send you some research papers I read for my doctorate? They might be of use to your new article." Bee was saying, sounding very free and happy. "Great! I'll email them to you tonight! Yes, I'll talk to you soon. Alright, goodbye Stephanie." She hung up with a smile and sat down next to Andrew, picking up her embroidery hoop. She had been working on quietly next to Andrew before Stephanie called and Andrew planned to join her after he finished his homework. "How was school?" She asked. 

Andrew shrugged. It had been school. Jeremy kept trying to talk to him, though he didn't know why. Jeremy's own friends seemed confused about Jeremy's sudden interest in being his friend. But Andrew didn't want friends. He had Neil and King and Bee, that was all he needed to be happy. 

Bee took that and accepted that it was all she was getting. She nodded, like Andrew's shrug had said a million things, and went back to her sewing. 

Andrew finished his homework quickly so he could join Bee in her sewing. He took King up with him to grab his project- a cartoon fox wearing pjs- and rejoined Bee downstairs. Bee was right where Andrew left her and with feet lighter than a second ago, he quickly rushed to the kitchen table to sew with his mom. 

"Ah, is that your newest project?" Bee asked as Andrew set his hoop down on the table. 

Andrew nodded, setting King down to guard the thread.

"I think it's very cute!" Bee complimented. "Should I do a fox for my next piece?" 

Andrew looked at Bee's hoop, where she was sewing a complicated looking realistic bird on a tree branch piece full of leaf's, flowers, and complicated stitches Andrew hadn't learned yet. He hoped he'd be able to do something like that, to make something look so real with just some thread and a needle. So he nodded, and nearly smiled at Bee's blinding smile. 

"Okay! I'll do a fox after this." Bee promised. 

Andrew nodded again, going back to his own needle work. It was coming out pretty good, better than his last attempt at a fox a few months ago anyways. 

"Do you like foxes?" Bee asked. 

"Not particularly." Andrew said, his voice cracking from puberty. He hated puberty for a lot of things, but his voice cracking and getting high pitched or randomly dropping topped the list for sure. "But Neil loves them." 

Bee got that look on her face, the one she got every time Andrew mentioned Neil- a bit of worry, a bit of regret, and a lot of sympathy. Only she could make that face to Andrew. 

"These are for him when he comes back." Andrew whispered, worried that if he said it any louder than Neil would never come back to him. The world wasn't very kind to kids, especially not to Neil and Andrew. Whenever Andrew had something or someone he wanted, the world usually took it away. For a while, Neil and Bee were the only ones he got to keep but then the world took Neil away from him. Like Andrew wasn't worthy of having Neil around, and if Andrew wasn't worthy of Neil then he just couldn't exist or something. But, Andrew had Bee. Bee was still around, she was still there next to him, sewing with him, loving him like no one had before. So he was daring to hope that even after two years Neil would come back to him. 

“I’m sure he’ll love it,” Bee promised, her voice gentle. 

Andrew hoped she was right.

-

"So, I was wondering if you wanted to come to my birthday party?" Jeremy asked, his face tinted pink, his finger twisting a piece of his hair around it as he looked at Andrew with big eyes that held nothing against Neil's striking blue beauties. 

Andrew blinked at him. He didn't do parties nor did he care to spend more time with Jeremy than he had to. Jeremy should know this. But maybe Andrew should throw him a bone. Bee was getting worried about Andrew not having any friends to talk too. Of course, Andrew had a friend who he loved, who he was in love with but he was missing. So maybe, he should be a bit nicer to Jeremy. 

Andrew sighed. "I don't do parties." He told Jeremy. 

Jeremy startled, his eyes wide with shock that Andrew actually spoke to him. Then it turned into a huge, uncontrollable smile. He didn't even look sad that Andrew was rejecting him, just immensely glad that he was being spoken too. "That’s okay!" He giggled. Fucking giggled. 

Andrew might be making a mistake. He pressed onward anyways, for his mom. "I'll get you a present or whatever." He promised. He wasn't sure what to get him, but he'd figure it out. 

Jeremy legitimately squealed, barely stopping himself from jumping up and down on the spot, his face bright pink and his smile nearly breaking his face in half. Andrew stared at him in befuddlement because what the fuck? 

"Okay, Andrew!" Jeremy giggled because he kept fucking giggling. "This means so much to me! I’ll talk to you later!" 

And with that, Jeremy rushed away, waving and smiling at Andrew. And Andrew just had to wonder what exactly he unleashed into the world. 

Later, when Andrew was finally home and away from blushy Jeremy, Bee was talking to her friend. Which was much, much better than her talking to Higgins who had shown up the day before to supposedly talk about a few troubled kids he was mentoring. Andrew still thought it was absolute bullshit. 

"I think it's a selfless decision." Bee was saying. She turned when heard the front door open and smiled at Andrew. She put her hand on the bottom of the phone and said, "hi honey, welcome home." 

Andrew nodded at her in acknowledgement before bending down to pick King up from in between his legs. Attention whore. Andrew gave her a kiss on the head. 

"Oh no, it's just Andrew coming home." Bee said into the phone. She was quiet for a moment before she laughed at something Stephanie said sounding too similar to how Jeremy sounded when he was giggling at Andrew. There was something wrong with everyone that day. 

Andrew held King up to his face, staring right into her cute little eyes. "Everyone's crazy today, King." He whispered. 

King meowed her agreement. She was a very smart kitten after all. 

"Neil wouldn't be so weird." 

Well, he would be. He'd be the strangest little creature around. But it would be okay, because he had beautifully fluffy and curly auburn hair that resembled the fire he loved and startling blue eyes that always found Andrew in a crowd. Andrew couldn't wait for him to be back, for them to find and get rid of Mary so Neil could be with Andrew forever like they promised. 

King just meowed again, her tail swishing in the air. She was adorable, and so fluffy. Andrew loved her a lot. Even more so because he knew just how hard Neil fought to keep her safe. 

"It’s a long process." Bee was saying into the phone. "But it was really worth it. I swear, every time I see the adoption papers I feel like my heart is going to explode." 

Andrew paused in his mission to give King kisses- to which she meowed her annoyance at immediately- to look over at Bee. He knew, logically, that Bee was happy about the adoption, that she really did want him to be her son. But there was always a part of him that feared she'd regret it or want to send him back like every other foster family he had been with before. Andrew set King on the floor, ignoring her very clear meows of protest against the action because she was a spoiled princess. He walked over to his mom and tapped her arm. 

Bee looked down at him- Andrew swore he'd be taller than her one day- and smiled. "I'll call you back Steph, say hello to Renee for me. Alright, goodbye." She hung up the phone and gave Andrew her full attention. Any other adult would just ignored him, shooed him away so they could continue talking to their friends because they didn't care about kids. But Bee was different. She was the best mom in the world. 

"Can I hug you?" Andrew asked. He saw the way Bee's eyes widened, the clear joy in them because Andrew didn't do this. He didn't touch anyone but Neil, he didn't let any adult touch him because he was afraid and always felt the hands that had hurt him. But this was Bee, and she was safe. 

"Of course you can." Bee said, barely holding her excitement back as she held her arms open for Andrew. 

Andrew cautiously stepped into them, wrapping his arms loosely around Bee's torso. It was nice. Her arms were loose around him, barely touching him so he knew he could easily pull away if the memories started to come back. And that's what made him lean more into her. He knew she'd never hurt him, he could trust her. She was his mom.

-

Andrew laid on the ground with King sleeping next to him. The AC was out, so they were all slowly melting in the California heat. It was making him irritated. Bee said that was normal but that he should be cautious about how he directed it. He didn't want to hurt someone just because he was pissed off about the heat. So, he was laying on the cold hard wood floors of the living room. It was so, so nice. He wanted to do something other than watching the ceiling fan circle above him like some kind of helicopter. If Neil were there he'd probably stand over Andrew judging him for being so dramatic. But really, it wasn't Andrew's fault that he wasn't built for the heat. Neil could probably handle any kind of weather with ease. Asshole. Cute little asshole. 

Bee walked into the living room, dressed in a flower patterned sun dress that Neil would've liked to try on- except he would've bugged Andrew into embroidering the flowers on, saying sappy things about how it would make the dress even better- and held out a bowl of sweet, delicious, cold ice cream for Andrew. "Here you go, honey." She said. She flopped onto the couch with a sigh, bowl of her own cold ice cream in hand. 

Andrew struggled against the heat to sit up so he could eat. As much as he wanted to stay on the floor to eat, Bee said it was a 'choking hazard' and he wasn't allowed to do that. Neil would probably still do it because he was a menace who lived to invite chaos into life. Andrew hoped Neil was dealing with whatever weather he was facing wherever he was and that he was safe. 

"It must be so nice to be a cat." Bee sighed with a pointed look to King, peacefully asleep on the floor. 

Andrew nodded. All of his troubles would be gone if only he were a cat, a nice fluffy cat that would follow Neil everywhere. 

"I’d suggest we go to the public swimming pool but it's too hot to try to leave the house." Bee said. 

Andrew nodded in agreement. He could see the heat ways and the way they distorted the street from the house. No way was he leaving the slightly cooler house and into that hellhole. Besides, Andrew didn't want to be around so many people and risk touching them. He already hated people touching him when it wasn't hell on earth outside, he would hate it even more when everyone was sticky and gross. Kids had no concept of personal space. Neither did King but it was okay because she was a cat and cats did nothing wrong. 

By the time Andrew finished his ice cream he was tempted to stick his head into the freezer and just live there. So he did. He stuck his head in the freezer and relished in the cold, uncaring that his own mom was laughing at him. It didn't matter because he was smart enough to cool himself down. It was while Andrew, with his genius idea, was cooling down that the doorbell went off. 

King meowed and hissed at the door, her fur standing on end. It either meant it was a stranger there or Higgins . Andrew trained his and Neil's cat well. Bee grabbed King from the sounds of King's protests and opened the door. 

"Oh, hello officer Higgins, what can I do for you?" Her gentle voice was slightly strained. Good. She shouldn't be falling for Higgins’ pathetic attempts to date her. He wasn't good enough for her and no cop would ever be joining Andrew's family. 

"Hello, Bee." Higgins said with a heavy, conflicted voice that made Andrew's skin crawl. This was about Neil. It had to be about Neil, his Neil. His Neil who was missing. His Neil who he loved and loved and loved. His Neil whose fox was still safely protected in Andrew's room and cared for with all of Andrew's love for Neil. His Neil who had promised to be by his side but was missing. 

Andrew slammed the freezer door shut and raced towards the front door, the heat was nothing but a distant memory, his heart pounded in his chest as his thoughts swirled and swirled with no end in sight. Was Neil okay? Was he still alive? Was he breathing? Did they even find him? Was Mary finally dead? Would Neil finally be coming back to him? 

"-nd she will probably not contact you even after I explained it to her." Higgins was saying, his voice quiet and low. He was talking too slowly, too quietly. He needed for once in his pathetic life to be louder, to say what he needed to say faster or Andrew might actually kill him. "So I brought this to your attention. You'll probably have better luck than me in convincing her to let them meet." 

Bee nodded, her posture tense, her fingers rubbing against the collar of her dress in a rhythmic motion that she did when she was stressed. It wasn't good news, was it? "I see." She said, her voice unable to keep out her worry. "Well I'll let Andrew know but-" 

"Mom?" Andrew called out, his voice scratchy and annoying under the effects of puberty. He stepped closer to her, looking up at her with desperate eyes. He knew it was bad. He knew that his hope was about to be crushed and steam rolled but he had to know. He needed to know because not knowing was worse. Not knowing would consume him. He woke up at night because he didn't know. He didn't want to live like that forever so he needed his mom to tell him now . 

Bee looked at Andrew, her eyes couldn't hold back all her emotions and the worry written in them. It scared Andrew but he needed to know, he needed to know now. "Andrew, honey," she said softly. "I have to tell you something and you might not like it." 

Andrew steeled himself. He knew this was a possibility, he knew that as more time passed that the probability of finding Neil alive got lower and lower until there was nothing left of him. He knew, even if he pretended for a whole year that there was hope he'd come back to him. So he was ready to hear it. He needed to hear it even if he didn't want to. 

"Andrew," Bee's gentle voice washed over him, making this inevitable pain easily to swallow. "You have a twin brother.”

Chapter Text

Matching hazel eyes stared back at him, following him no matter which way he turned. If he tilted his head one way, his doppelganger tilted his head in the other. So similar- matching faces, matching eyes, freckles in the same place, same height- yet so different. It was like looking into a fun house mirror, the ones that always used to bother him because he'd be looking into it and not really seeing himself, the only person he could count on. But now he knew, he was just looking at the brother he never knew he had. 

Andrew never wanted to be separated from him again, but he was afraid that Aaron, his brother, his twin who he was always supposed to be with, would disappear just like Neil. He wasn't sure he deserved to have this. 

"They really are identical ." Bee said to Higgins and the social worker that brought Aaron over. Because Andrew's birth mother didn't want to see him. She didn't want to see him nor know a thing about him. But it was okay, Andrew had his real mom and now he was going to hopefully have his brother. As long as Andrew didn't ruin this too. 

Andrew spun around Aaron, only for Aaron to do the same thing, ending up with the two of them following each other in a circle. When Andrew struck a pose, Aaron did too, similar but just a bit different with slight confusion on his face. When Andrew poked Aaron, Aaron poked him back. He was real beneath Andrew's finger. The finger poking him back was real, it creased the fabric of his shirt, he could feel the heat and the slight dig of his nail. His brother was real and Andrew didn't know how to feel. He was pretty sure he was excited and happy, he already loved his brother, from the moment the news came out of Bee's mouth that he had one he loved him far more than himself. He loved his brother like he loved his mom and it was scary to instantly love someone so much, someone he hadn't even met. But he did. And there he was now, standing within poking distance with the same hazel brown eyes and freckles, real beneath his finger as they celebrated their thirteenth birthday together. Their first birthday together. 

But Andrew also felt bad things, sad things, angry things, fear and anxiety that he would lose Aaron just like he lost Neil. Or maybe worse. He was afraid that Tilda would take Aaron away from Andrew just like she had once before- he didn't understand why people kept taking Andrew's loved ones away. Was there something about him he couldn't see? 

"Hi?" Aaron asked, tilting his head. 

Andrew copied the movement. "Hi." He repeated back. 

"So, you're my brother?" Aaron asked, the start of a smile on his face that was so similar to Andrew's. Of course it was similar though, they were identical twins. At one point in time they were the same person, one entity that separated into two. He couldn't understand why anyone would separate twins, especially identical twins. 

"Yes." Andrew instantly answered. He was a brother, he was Aaron's brother. He always had been, and now they could make up for lost time. 

Aaron smiled widely, their excitement shared on his face. "Fuck yeah," he whispered so the adults didn't overhear. "Do you like video games?" 

"I don't really play." Andrew admitted. He never had any use for them as a child- his foster families didn't care enough about him to get him a system or let him use theirs. Plus, Andrew had Neil, Neil who had too much energy and needed to have several hours of activity or he got the zoomies late at night. Even after Neil disappeared, Andrew preferred to sew with Bee than any kind of video game. "But maybe you can show me later?" 

Aaron nodded, grinned and looked really happy. "Yeah, you can come over or I can bring over my Xbox." He said.

Andrew nodded in agreement. "Okay." He agreed easily. In the corner of his eye he could see Bee beaming with pride. Okay, that was a bit embarrassing. 

"So if you don't play video games what do you do for fun?" Aaron asked. 

Andrew hesitated. He didn't want to tell Aaron that he sewed. It wasn't a very boyish thing to do, and he wasn't sure how Aaron would react. Even though Andrew loved Aaron, they just met, they didn't know each other that well. So he rather be a bit cautious. "I like to climb the big oak tree in the backyard." He told Aaron. 

Aaron's matching hazel eyes lit up. "You know how to climb trees?" He asked. 

Andrew nodded. He and Neil used to spend their recesses up in the trees, talking and talking- Neil would yell insults at kids and sometimes they would bring rocks up with them to throw like angry birds. "Want me to teach you?" 

"Hell yeah dude!" Aaron agreed excitedly. 

Andrew looked over at Bee, who was close to crying. And Neil wondered why Andrew was dramatic. "Mom," he said, watching Aaron bit the inside of his cheek. "We'll be outside." 

Bee nodded, a big smile on her face. "Of course, be careful and come back inside if it gets too hot, okay?" 

Andrew nodded and turned back to Aaron, his brother. He jerked his head towards the backdoor, leading him towards the big oak tree there. King stopped them, standing between them and the door outside, her tail flicking behind her in her impatience. 

"King," Andrew greeted. He reached down to pick her up, and showed her off to his brother. King jolted in his arms at the sight of Aaron, meowing in confusion as she struggled in Andrew's arms. "That’s right, there's two of me now," Andrew told her. "Get used to it." 

Andrew wondered how Neil would react when he learned that there were now two Andrew's walking around. Would he be excited that now there were two of them, two Andrew's for him to love. Or would he stay so loyal to Andrew and give Aaron his disgusted look because even though he was also a kid he couldn't stand kids other than Andrew. It would be pretty funny if Neil hated Andrew's identical twin but loved Andrew. 

"You have a cat?" Aaron asked, pointing towards the slightly distressed King. 

Andrew held her up to Aaron. "This is King Fluffkins. I just call her King for short." 

"Huh." Aaron said. He held his hand out for King to sniff, but it just made King freak and crawl up onto Andrew's shoulder, meowing in alarm. "Mom never let us get any pets." 

Andrew scratched King's chin, trying his best to calm her down. "I found her at the school playground a few years back." He said, neatly avoiding mentioning Neil. He wasn't ready to share that yet. "Mom didn't mind keeping her." 

Aaron was looking at Andrew in a way he wasn't sure he understood. But they had the rest of their lives to understand each other. So Andrew set King on the counter, giving her some treats to distract her. Then he lead Aaron outside and towards the oak tree. It was big and tall with plenty of branches to climb. 

And so, Andrew spent the next thirty minutes teaching Aaron how to climb up the tree, where to put his feet and which branches would hold his weight. Eventually, they got to the highest Andrew was willing to go, where the sight of the ground below him didn't make him cling to the trunk of the tree as hard, and sat next to each other as they enjoyed the view. While Andrew tried to ignore the fear that had settled deep in his stomach at the height.

"So, you have a mom?" Aaron asked. 

"Yeah." Andrew answered. 

"When did she, you know, adopt you?" 

"When I was ten." Andrew said, kicking his feet, trying to not lose his lunch. After years under her gentle care where she helped him through the trauma he had been through. 

"Were you always in her care?" Aaron asked, his voice small and curious. 

"No." Andrew admitted. He couldn't tell Aaron about the houses he had been in before Bee, the ones where he searched through dumpsters for food or worried about being beaten black and blue. Or the house where he had to worry about a monster sneaking into his bed at night. Maybe one day he'd tell Aaron, but not now. 

"I- I'm sure mom is sorry she gave you up." Aaron said, his face contorted with guilt and a sense of desperation Andrew couldn't understand. "This is just- I'm sure she just made a mistake." 

"If she made a mistake I wouldn't be here." Andrew told his twin. He had had a long time to deal with the fact that he was abandoned. He had spent many nights as a young boy crying that no one would love him, that not even his own mother wanted him. He spent a lot of time hating himself for someone else's choices. And now, he was at peace with what Tilda had done to him. He didn't care anymore about it. He just wanted to move on and be brothers with Aaron. 

"I'm really sure it was just a mistake she regrets." Aaron pressed on. Like he was afraid that Andrew would resent Aaron too because of what his mother did. 

"Aaron." Andrew waited until his brother's focus was on him before he continued. "If it was a mistake she would be here." He watched as all of Aaron's rebuttals failed him, as he realized that with just a few words Andrew had proven that the last thirteen years had been deliberate, that Aaron's mother had never meant for them to be brothers. 

"Fuck." Aaron muttered. 

"I don't care." Andrew told him, feeling his brother's eyes on him. "You're my brother, despite anything she did you're my brother and you'll always be my brother." And he really, really hoped that Aaron would always want to be his brother too. 

Aaron looked at Andrew with wide eyes that quickly turned excited and relaxed. "Yeah, we're brothers." He said in agreement. 

Andrew almost smiled. He dared to hope that maybe, he could have this too.

-

Jeremy ran across the finish line, panting and sweaty and Andrew hated him. He hated the way his legs looked in his shorts and the way his shirt clung to his chest. Life was unfair and Andrew hated Jeremy Knox and his mission to annoy Andrew. 

"So, you like sports?" Aaron asked, startling Andrew out of his thoughts. 

Right. Andrew invited Aaron to his school's track met so they could get to know each other more. Aaron's mom wasn't keen on Aaron going out, especially not with Andrew, but she'd let him out for school events. It was all too familiar for Andrew. Neil's mother was like that. 

"Not particularly." Andrew admitted. He simply wanted to spend time with his brother and stare at some cute boys. He pointed down at where Jeremy was doing his cool down stretches. "If I didn't come to at least one of these things he'd be insanely annoying." 

"And he is?" Aaron asked. 

Andrew shrugged. Jeremy liked to call himself Andrew's friend but Andrew didn't have friends outside of Neil. He knew it wasn't healthy to be clinging to Neil for so long, especially when he knew Neil would probably never come back to him, but it felt like betrayal to the only boy he loved. 

When Jeremy noticed Andrew, his cheeks went so red that Andrew could see it from up on the bleachers. He quickly gave his teammates an excuse and raced up towards Andrew, a big smile on his face. "Hi Andrew!" He exclaimed. "You really did show up!" 

"I always keep my promises." Andrew reminded him. It was a bit annoying to have to remind him of this. Neil knew that Andrew kept his promises and wouldn't act so surprised every time he kept them. 

Jeremy just lit up more, as giddy as he always was. "Well still," he said. "You never come to these things." 

Andrew just shrugged. He looked around but didn't see anyone who could possibly resemble Jeremy's parents. He had never heard anything about them, not in passing or from the boy himself. It seemed even the rich had family problems. 

"Uh, hi?" Aaron interjected, a twitch of his eyebrow and the slight frown of his lips telling. 

Jeremy, shocked, jumped in place a bit and looked between Andrew and Aaron. "Oh my god, there's two Andrew's." He whispered, the blush on his face getting worse and worse. 

"Dumbass." Andrew sighed. He pointed to Aaron. "Aaron, my twin." He pointed to Jeremy. "Jeremy, a-" 

"His friend!" Jeremy interrupted, ignoring the glare Andrew sent him. Only Neil could interrupt him. "I'm his friend." 

Aaron gave a slightly disbelieving look as he glanced between them. "Uh, you don't look like friends, no offense." 

Jeremy just waved that statement off. "Andrew here is just a bit prickly." He explained as if he knew Andrew in and out. No one in this god forsaken school knew Andrew- only Neil had known Andrew so well he could anticipate his actions, his words. "But it's what makes him so cool!" 

Andrew rolled his eyes and shooed Jeremy away. Enough of this. Jeremy wasn't cute enough to not be insanely annoying. As it was, he was just an excuse to get Tilda to agree to let Aaron out of the house. 

"Well, he's interesting." Aaron muttered as they watched Jeremy run down the bleachers, waving and smiling at them and just being annoying. 

"That’s one word for it." Andrew's fingers twitched, wanting so badly to go home and pick up a needle to stitch and stitch until his mind was quiet and his only source of frustration was his uncooperative threads. 

"Um, Andrew?" 

"What?" 

Aaron hesitated and Andrew waited him out, going back to looking at the boys stretching in their stupidly short shorts. He wasn't sure if he should thank whoever was responsible or stab them. "I think Jeremy might, uh," Aaron looked around before he leaned in and whispered with an expression of discomfort, "have a crush on you." 

Andrew blinked slowly at his brother, his twin, the boy with his face. He knew that. It was impossible to not know that. He knew the moment in Spanish the year before when his face got so red and when he kept fucking giggling at him. He knew, and he didn't really care. Maybe he'd kiss Jeremy, just to know what it felt like to have another boy's lips against his, to deal with all the thoughts in his head conjured up from the annoyance that was puberty. But as of now, he didn't really care. "So?" 

Aaron blinked in surprise at Andrew's nonchalance but Andrew wasn't sure how else he was supposed to react. "Doesn't it- you- you're not uncomfortable about it?" 

Now, why would a gay boy be uncomfortable with another probably gay boy having a crush on him? It was a crazy thing to be uncomfortable with. It wasn't like Jeremy was looking at him like his previous foster father was. He was just a thirteen year old boy with an innocent crush. 

"No." Andrew told Aaron. "Why should it bother me?" 

Aaron got a slightly panicked, embarrassed look in his face as he sputtered something out that was just a mess of words that didn't really mean anything. It made Andrew frown, just a bit, but he pushed his worries and discomfort deep down inside of him where no one could find it. He wanted his brother in his life, he was willing to ignore things that made him pause. The world had taken Neil away from him, taken the only boy in the world who loved him, who he loved with his whole being- he wouldn't let it take Aaron from him too.

-

Bee handed Andrew a container full of fresh fruit all cut up and organized into neat little sections separated by paper towels so that nothing was touching. "And remember, you are allowed to feel whatever it is you feel when you see her." She was telling him with a soft, loving voice that was full of worry. Because Andrew was going to met his birth mother for the first time in his life. He was going over to play video games with Aaron while Bee went to help a boy who had been just like Andrew, helpless and hurt and all alone in the world. Bee had an important job that she did even when she couldn't sleep at night, or even as more and more grey hairs popped up. She was too good for this world. 

"I know." Andrew told her. "But you're my mom." 

Bee smiled proudly at him, understanding all of the things Andrew couldn't say yet. Bee was his mom, so Tilda meant nothing to him. Tilda abandoned him, separated him from his own twin, she was nothing but another shitty adult in a world full of shitty adults. Bee was his mom, she was the one who took care of him, who swept up all of the broken glass he had thrown, had taught him to sew, had taken care of him when he got sick. She loved him when she didn't have to. "And you're my son." Bee promised. "Now come on, before King realizes we tricked her." 

Andrew nodded. They had about two minutes before King finished her treats and realized that they were leaving. Then Andrew would be legally obligated to stay and cuddle her. So they quickly left, getting into Bee's car to drive nearly an hour away to where Aaron lived. It was a peaceful drive, where Andrew told Bee about his next project and Bee told him how she wanted to learn how to make clothes. Andrew agreed to learn with her. It would be nice to spend more time with his mom, learning a new craft together instead of spending all of his time thinking and thinking and being haunted by the ghosts of his past. 

When Bee pulled up to Tilda's house, Andrew didn't even feel an ounce of bitterness in his stomach. He wasn't mad about not living here, in a seemingly nice house in the suburbs. He didn't really care, Bee was his mom and because of where he lived he got to meet Neil. 

Bee parked the car and got out with Andrew. "Remember, if something is wrong call me." She told him. She had given him an actual cellphone for his birthday with strict instructions on how to use it. She was upfront that there were parental controls on it because she didn't lie to Andrew. And Andrew was fine with that. He didn't care much about it other than to look up patterns for his embroidery or news about Neil, to remind himself that Neil had existed, that all the news coverage was real and not something he created. 

Andrew nodded. "Okay mom." 

Bee smiled, worry etched onto her face. "Come on then, I'll met Aaron's mom while you and Aaron play." 

Andrew nodded, walking towards the front door. He was barely on the porch when the door flung open, with Aaron standing just inside the house with a nervous but excited smile on his face.

"Hi Andrew." He said. His eyes then went to Bee. "Hi Bee." 

Bee smiled and gave him a wave. "Hello again Aaron." She greeted gently, making Aaron's shoulders relax. "Is your mom home?" 

Aaron nodded and moved so that they could both come in. "Mom's talking to uncle Luther upstairs." He told Bee. "She'll be right down." 

"Alright, I'll wait here while you boys go play." Bee said. Then she looked down at Andrew, a loving smile on her face. "Have fun honey, call me if you need me. I'll come pick you up at four." 

Andrew nodded. "Bye mom." He waved to her before turning to Aaron. He held out the container full of fruits. He wondered if Aaron liked fruits. Neil loved them, especially strawberries. Neil adored strawberries. "Fruit." 

Aaron blinked in confusion for just a minute before he took the container with hands thinner than Andrew's. "Thanks." He said. "Now come on, I'm finally going to show you how to play video games." 

Andrew let his brother drag him into the living room that was devoid of any of the warmth he had come to know at his and Bee's home. There were only a few awkward photos on the wall, and Aaron sat on the floor rather than the couch without even pausing to think about it. The books on the entertainment wall were for display, the fine layer of dust and the perfect spines said that no one had touched these books, much less read them, in a very long time. 

Aaron turned the TV on, grabbing two beaten up controllers and fiddled around as Andrew took a spot next to him on the carpet. The house was strange and seemingly unlived in, a show for anyone who came by. Andrew was sure that if he went upstairs to the bedrooms he'd find exactly what he found all those years ago in Neil's house- the mother's bedroom trashed and messy, full of chaos caused by mental illness while the child's room was the only true safe space in the entire house. One that could be destroyed in an instant. 

As Aaron explained the video game- something about little characters racing each other- Andrew heard footsteps coming down the stairs, wobbly footsteps that Andrew was all too familiar with. He heard those footsteps plenty in foster care, when the adults drank away their problems and hatred for one another before taking it out on Andrew. But she must have been able to play it off for Bee, because soon enough Bee came in to say goodbye one last time before leaving- except this time she said she was coming to pick him up at three. So maybe, Tilda didn't do such a good job hiding whatever it was she was using from Bee. Andrew suspected that a social worker would be coming by soon. 

Andrew ignored the woman hovering in the entryway to the living room, uninterested in whatever guilt or anger she had at the son she abandoned sitting in her living room. In fact, Andrew might have reveled in it. There he was, the son she threw away, sitting in her living room, playing video games with the brother she tried to keep away from him. He was living it up- he had a mom who loved him, food every night, a life she probably never wanted for him. While she was seething with anger over it, Andrew was playing video games with his brother. He was pretty sure he was winning in life- at least in her bitter eyes. Was this what Bee meant by the best revenge being a life well lived? Neil would think it's horse shit- in fact, he had told Bee to her face that the only revenge worth doing was a violent one. It had made Bee worry for Neil. Andrew could only look at Neil with all the love he held for him in his eyes. 

After a few rounds, Andrew gained the hang of the game and managed to beat Aaron every time, much to Aaron's annoyance. He got accused of witchcraft, cheating, and bribery all within ten minutes. It was one of the best moments Andrew had had in a while. 

"I can’t believe I'm being beat by a complete noob!" Aaron complained, angrily searching through the maps in a fruitless effort to ride a road he could beat Andrew on. Seeing as they had spent hours playing already, it wasn't likely to happen. 

"Not my fault you suck." Andrew teased. He was teasing his brother and it felt natural. He hoped this continued, he wanted to keep doing this with his brother. 

Aaron groaned something pitiful and slumped in on himself, careful to not touch the couch behind them. He opened his mouth to speak but a loud bang from the kitchen made him flinch. He quickly turned the TV off, blinking at the black screen in front of them in confusion like he had done it on reflex. Concerning. "Uh, want to go hang in my room?" He asked Andrew, his fear carefully hidden on his face. But seeing as it was also Andrew's face- he knew exactly where to look to find it. 

"Sure." Andrew agreed. He wanted to see upstairs anyways, to know exactly what was going on in this house. The twins stood up and Aaron led Andrew upstairs to his room and Andrew would be lying if he said he wasn't surprised. 

The room was small. Really small. It looked more like a walk-in closet converted into a bedroom than an actual bed room. The paint was peeling, cracked and peeling revealing water damage on the walls. The floors creaked with any kind of weight on them and hidden under Aaron's tiny roadside desk there were splinters in the floor. 

"Sorry about the mess." Aaron said as he kicked some clothes under his bed that seemed ready to fall apart at the slightest touch. 

"It’s fine." Andrew said. He had lived in worse condition than this. But he didn't want that for his brother, and this time he wouldn't make the same mistakes as he did with Neil. 

Aaron sat on his bed, and Andrew sat down next to him. They kind of just sat there in silence, unsure of what two estranged twin brothers were supposed to say to each other. It went like that for a few minutes before Aaron finally spoke up. "So, do you like living with Bee?" He asked. He had so many emotions on his face, and Andrew hoped that maybe it meant Aaron might want to join Andrew with Bee. 

"Yeah." Andrew nodded. "She's a great mom. We always have food to eat, she doesn't raise her voice or hit me, and she really loves me." He said quietly. He wasn't sure if it was the right thing to say but he selfishly hoped it was. That Aaron would want to join him and Bee and get away from the woman who separated them. 

"That-" Aaron started before the sound of thumping footsteps came barreling towards them. 

Andrew was off the bed in an instant, the instincts of a scared foster kid ingrained in him for life. He grabbed Aaron and put himself between his brother and the drunk woman who broke into the room. 

Tilda's dirty blonde hair was wild and matted, barely hidden in the bun she had it in, her brown eyes were full of fury and red from alcohol and maybe some kind of drug. Andrew already had his phone on in his pocket, dialing Bee's number. Hopefully she'd hear whatever was about to happen. It might even be better if it was on voicemail, that way there would be evidence for this. 

"Mom?" Aaron asked, tightly holding onto Andrew's arm as he tried to break free from Andrew's protective hold. But Andrew protected others. He was the one who was supposed to protect Neil and failed- he would never make that mistake again. He wouldn't let someone he loved get hurt again. 

"Aaron." Tilda hissed. "You little bastard- you left the living room a fucking mess." 

Andrew glared at her. He was very used to people like Tilda, finding any kind excuse to beat kids. Bee said people like that lacked control in their life, that this was how they regained control or justified their violent behavior. It was just like Andrew's luck that his birth mother was like that. 

"Did meeting your faggot of a brother make you forgot your damn manners." Tilda spat out, stepping closer to them. 

Aaron glared at her, his fear buried by the same protective anger that Andrew felt. "Don't talk about him like that." He said, his body shaking. 

Tilda's gaze turned hard, angry and violent. She was going to hit him. She was going to hurt Andrew’s brother.

"Stay away from us." Andrew said clearly and firmly. "Do not touch him." 

Tilda fixed her gaze onto Andrew, looking like she wanted to kill him for daring to exist. "Stay the fuck out of this." She spat. 

"You are a grown woman threatening two children with violence because of a little mess." Andrew said, hoping that Bee could hear him, knew that this adult was unsafe to both him and Aaron. He hoped his mom called CPS. 

"How did you-" Aaron started before flinching violently at the look he got from Tilda and it told Andrew all he needed to know. 

"Stay away from us!" Andrew yelled, clear and loud. He grabbed a broken piece of Aaron bed, holding it between them and the woman who looked ready to attack both of them for just being fucking teenagers. 

Tilda looked at the weapon Andrew got and laughed. She laughed and laughed like a crazy woman. "Oh how fucking scary!" She laughed, gesturing to Andrew's weapon. "And pray tell, what are you going to do with that pathetic thing? Is this really what you want Aaron? A spoiled brat who doesn't know what the real world is like?" 

Andrew gripped the wooden stick tightly, splinters digging into his hands. He knew more about the world than this bitch- he knew far too well the monsters that lurked in society. He knew exactly how cruel the world was. "Are you seriously jealous of a child?" He asked. "The very one you gave up and separated from his twin?" 

"Stay the fuck out of this." Tilda hissed. 

"Stay away from us." Andrew told her. He was ready to hit her and take Aaron and run. He was ready to do all of that for his brother no matter what happened next. 

"Andrew," Aaron whispered. "It'll be okay, just-" 

"No." Andrew gripped the weapon in his hands tighter, brandishing it Tilda still. "The moment I drop this she will hit both of us. I know she will." He looked Aaron directly in his matching hazel eyes full of fear. "You don't survive in foster care if you don't know how to read the violence in others." 

Aaron's eyes widened, the understanding that no, Andrew's life hadn't been all sunshine and friendly bumble bees helping him. They still had similar childhoods apart from one another- Andrew just got slightly lucky with Bee. And now, it was Andrew's turn to pass the luck onto Aaron. Because he would not let Aaron stay in this house another night. 

-

"You didn't have to report her!" 

"I'm not letting you stay with her." 

"I'd have been fine!" 

"She would've hurt you." 

"She's my mom!" 

"She wanted to hurt you." 

"You just don't understand!"

"No. I don't. But I'll still protect you whether you like it or not." 

"I hate you." 

"Okay." 

"I mean it, I hate you." 

"Okay. I'll still protect you even if you hate me." 

"I wish we never met." 

"...I'll do everything to keep you safe."

-

Bee was on a war rampage, gathering study after study, late night calls with Stephanie to keep her sane, calls and calls with lawyers and an estranged son of the Hemmick family. She was ready to fight Aaron's uncle for custody, her anger at the horrible people who wanted to take Aaron away palpable in the air. 

Aaron still wouldn't talk to Andrew, angry still that he was taken away from Tilda's custody, that the social workers and cops found all the pills she had been taking and the bruises on Aaron's back in the clear shape of her hands. He was still mad at Andrew but it was okay- because Aaron was safe and that's all that mattered. He didn't hide this, he didn't ignore it, he didn't let what happened with Neil happen again. 

It was fine, because Bee would make sure that Aaron didn't live with a man who sent his own son to a conversion camp, who drove his son to try to end his life. She would make sure Aaron stayed safe with them even if he was mad at Andrew. If he got lucky, Aaron would one day see why Andrew did what he did and understand it. But he wouldn't hope too hard for that, he knew the limits of his luck, after all. 

Andrew stared at Neil's plush Fox, Joseph. The fabric was worn and patches of fur had come off even though Andrew had taken great care of it. Neil loved this thing, so very much, and Andrew had a bad habit of trying to replace Neil with it. He laid on his bed, King purring next to him, curled up into a comfy ball. 

Aaron was in his new room ignoring him, Bee was talking to lawyers and pulling strings she worked so hard to craft. So all Andrew had was the memory of Neil. 

Neil would be proud of him, he knew that with all his heart. He would've held Andrew in his warm arms, hold him tight and whisper in his ear that he did the right thing. That he was proud of Andrew for protecting his brother. He would tell Andrew that if Aaron never forgave him then it was his loss, because Neil believed with his whole being that Andrew was the best thing in the world. Andrew wouldn't even be able to fight it, he knew he would be nothing but a limp, pathetic thing in Neil's arms. Neil was a liar, but he didn't lie to Andrew, about Andrew. 

Fuck, Andrew missed him so much. He missed him like he'd miss a limb. He missed Neil so much it hurt- it hurt so much and he needed Neil here. He needed Neil by his side, holding him together with his soft words only ever directed towards him. He needed Neil but Neil was gone. Andrew had to accept that- Neil was dead. After all this time without a single trace- Neil was dead and Andrew couldn't face it. 

Andrew buried his face into the fox plushie that held his name, shutting his eyes tight. He missed Neil, so much. He missed him and missed him- there was a hole in his chest that was distinctly Neil-shaped that could never be filled again. "I miss you, Neil." He whispered, knowing nothing would change. He wasn't that lucky. "I miss you, so, so much.”

Chapter Text

Andrew threw a new glass vase at Higgins’ head, wishing with everything he had that it would fucking kill the man. He wanted him gone. He wanted him to fucking leave him alone. He hated this man, he hated him so fucking much he was going to explode with his anger. He was going to fucking kill this man and he didn't care what happened to him afterwards. The vase shattered against the wall, water dripped down with the shards of glass. King was on the end table, hissing, fur standing on end as she barred her teeth. 

"And-" 

Andrew grabbed a chair they had brought out from the kitchen earlier in the day and threw it at the pig, the disgusting pig trying so hard to act like something he wasn't. 

Higgins couldn't dodge it, he braced himself as the chair collided with his body. The pained hiss he let out was the only good fucking thing in this whole fucking mess. 

"Get. Out." Andrew hissed through a clenched jaw. He would grab a bat next and beat this man within an inch of his life if he didn't fucking leave, if he didn't stop looking at him with those fucking eyes that Andrew couldn't fucking stand. 

"Andrew what the fuck!" Aaron yelled from the top of the stairs but Andrew didn't care. He wanted this man out. He wanted this man out and he would do anything to make that happen, no matter the price either.

"Andrew," Higgins said calmly, so frustratingly calmly. He moved in obvious pain, wincing as he put his hands up in a pathetic attempt to placate him. Acting like Andrew was an out of control monster- and he fucking wasn't . He was just a boy with too much trauma for any pathetic excuse of an adult to understand. "I know this isn't what you want to hear but-" 

Andrew grabbed the nearest book he could grab- one of Bee's psychology textbooks she had neatly left on the coffee table- and threw it at him before he finished that sentence. "Shut up!" He yelled. "Shut up!" 

Higgins barely dodged the book, only to be hit by the next one Andrew threw at him. This was his own fault- he kept fucking coming over when Bee was at work. He kept fucking coming over and Andrew couldn’t stand him. He wanted to kill this man- he would kill this man. "Andrew-" Higgins pleaded. "There’s nothing more for us to do." 

No, no, no, no. There was still more they could do. There was still more time to find him. They were just lazy bastards who took orders from racist fascists who didn't give a single fuck about a brown boy from Oakland. They were just bastards who couldn't be bothered to do their job and fucking find one boy- they were all just pathetic excuses for humans who all deserved to fucking die horrible painful deaths. 

"It’s being classified as a cold case." Higgins said, knowing he was tearing apart the strings of hope that Andrew was holding himself together with. 

No 

No 

No 

No 

No 

No 

No  

Andrew refused to accept this, he refused to believe it. It wasn't possible. Andrew rushed to the kitchen, barely registering his brother on the stairs with wide eyes and cellphone in hand. He grabbed the biggest knife he could find in a frantic search. He rushed back to the living room, brandishing the knife at Higgins, ready and willing to gut him where he stood. 

Higgins just looked at him, with the same fucking look in his eyes that Andrew couldn’t stand. He couldn't stand it. "I'm sorry, Andrew. There's nothing more we can do." 

No 

No 

No 

No 

No  

"Go out and fucking find him." Andrew ordered him, something wet hitting his cheeks. "How fucking incompetent are you to not fucking find him!" His voice hitched, breaking and crumbling as he came out of his mouth. He couldn't breathe and his face was soaked in tears. His hands shook and his vision went blurry. This couldn't be happening. This couldn't be real. They couldn't be giving up on Neil. Andrew couldn't breathe- 

"Andrew, honey," Bee's gentle, worried voice cut in through the panic. "It’s mom. I need you to take a big breath for me, that's it hold it in for one, two, three, four okay now exhale for one, two, three, four. That's it, keep doing that." 

Andrew tried to do it, he tried to focus on his breathing but it felt like so much- how could he focus on his breathing when the world was forgetting Neil? When people were no longer looking for him? He fell into his mom's arms, unable to keep holding himself up, the knife slipping through his hands and landing on the floor with a hammering THUD . 

Bee's arms were sturdy around him, her hand gently patting his head in a way to soothe him but all it did was make him want to scream more. "I know," she whispered. "I'm so sorry, honey. I'm so, so sorry."

-

Andrew didn't leave his room for weeks, staring at his walls for hours and hours on end holding onto Joseph the fox plushie. Aaron tried to talk to him, tried standing outside his door every few days but Andrew didn't answer. He didn't know when he last spoke. Bee took off of work, coming in his room every day to bring him food, to talk to him, to remind him this wasn't his fault, that he did everything he could to protect Neil. She sat on the edge of the bed sometimes; she sewed, she read him books, she tried so hard to be there for Andrew but nothing moved him from his spot. 

Andrew wanted to destroy everything of Neil's that he had, he wanted to tear Joseph into pieces but the moment he heard the fabric rip he tore his hand away. It felt like his heart would explode, like he'd be killing Neil himself if he did that. So he stayed still on his bed, staring at his wall as he rubbed the fur on Joseph off. He failed Neil. He failed the one person he loved and he'd never be able to see Neil again. The whole world would forget Neil now and it was all Andrew's fault.

-

Andrew stared at the lilac color of the living room wall, arms crossed over his chest as he focused on his mom's voice to stay grounded. He had been forced out of his room a week ago, forced to go outside and breathe some fresh air, forced to be a person again, forced to continue on with his life when it felt like it was over. 

Aaron kept sending him nervous glances, his hands stuffed between his legs, having learned that Andrew would react with violence if touched unaware. Andrew couldn't really dredge up any care. "Are you okay now?" He asked. 

Bee was talking to Stephanie again, talking about Stephanie’s adopted daughter and Andrew felt a twinge of guilt for being so catatonic that he prevented his mom from having a life. That wasn’t what a good son did. He wanted to be that for her, yet he couldn’t. He wasn’t made to be a good son.

"Andrew?" Aaron asked, half way to hysterical. 

Andrew couldn't pry his eyes away from the wall. He couldn't bring himself to say anything when it was all so meaningless. Did he deserve to speak when his silence cost Neil his life? 

Aaron sighed, head in his hands and all Andrew wanted was for the ground to swallow him whole.

-

Andrew slowly came back to himself, months after learning that no one would ever look for Neil again. Bits and pieces of himself came back- but his voice stayed gone. He hadn't uttered a single word in months. Since he broke down in his mom's arms as the world fell apart around him. But, he learned some basic signs with Bee, a way to communicate with people around him, a way to make his mom and brother worry less about him. Aaron had told him that his eyes looked less dead nowadays so Andrew supposed he was doing better, even if it didn't feel like much. 

"We can go play video games after school?" Aaron suggested, his hands moving in a stilted manner with the new signs he was learning. He wasn't very good at it yet, but he was trying and Andrew thought that maybe that was what was keeping him alive. 

Andrew nodded and signed yes . He was pretty sure he could handle that. He could put in that effort for his brother. 

Aaron lit up, nodding excitedly. "Awesome! We'll play some Minecraft or maybe some COD and then Bee will make some pizza and it'll be just a chill night." He said too fast for his hands to keep up but it was okay. 

Andrew signed his agreement as they walked through the halls of their high school. People looked at them, at him, weirdly, knowing he had been absent for school for weeks and weeks but not knowing why only for him to come back and not say a single word. 

"There’s also going to be a new episode of Cupcake Wars tonight if you want to watch it." Aaron suggested, his nervous energy potent. He knew that sometimes Andrew couldn't handle people, even his own family, for more than a few hours, but he still wanted to spend time with Andrew. 

Andrew decided he could throw Aaron a bone, he could embroider something while they watched. He was coming back to himself in small doses, his desire to sew had come back recently if not scarcely. It'd be nice to get back into it, as long as he kept the projects meant for Neil hidden away where he didn’t see it. 

Thundering footsteps came barreling towards them and before either of the twins had time to understand what was happening, a teary eyed Jeremy Knox with bleached blonde hair appeared before them. "Andrew!" He came close to Andrew, in his space but not touching him. "I heard what happened, are you okay?" 

Andrew had no idea what Jeremy heard, there were dozens of rumors floating around the school about why he was gone, why he didn't talk anymore, why he signed instead of speaking, why even when he could sign he only signed to his brother and ignored everyone else. So no, he had no idea what Jeremy had heard and he didn't particularly care. 

Jeremy didn't mind that Andrew didn't answer, just looked on in worry and tugged at his fingers. "I know I probably annoy you but I just want you to know that if you ever- and I mean ever- want someone to talk too I'll listen. I'll be quiet and just listen." He pressed on and Andrew believed him. But it didn't mean he'd take him up on it. Jeremy waited patiently for any kind of sign or answer from Andrew, ignoring the uncomfortable way Aaron looked between them. 

Eventually, Aaron pushed Andrew a little bit down the hall, hands on his backpack rather than his skin. He gave Jeremy a clearly fake apologetic look and kept pushing Andrew away. "Thanks dude," he said as something unpleasant sat in Andrew's stomach. "But we're fine. Andrew's good. Why don't you go hang out with your friends or something? He doesn't need to talk to you ." He said with such a slight emphasis that Andrew barely missed it, but he didn't miss the way Aaron's eye twitched, the way he looked at Jeremy. 

It was enough to make Andrew look at Jeremy, to see the resignment, the mix of anger and self hatred that Andrew knew well. He waited until Jeremy looked at him , not Aaron to give him a nod of approval, just hoping that Jeremy knew what he was saying, to understand that Aaron did not speak for Andrew. 

Jeremy's eyes lit up just a bit in understanding. He nodded, pulling hard at his own fingers. "I'll see you later." He mouthed, relaxing at Andrew’s nod. 

Andrew turned away, distantly listening to Aaron's muttering as he pushed him down the hall, the opposite way they were supposed to go. Andrew would have to talk to Aaron about how he came across. 

Hours later, after rounds of game play where Aaron lost miserably, after Bee had cooked them dinner and started to make them some ice cream Sundays; Aaron finally put on the TV to the new episode of Cupcake Wars while Andrew grabbed his embroidery hoop and some thread. He got himself comfortable on the couch, legs crossed with the hoop in his lap. He took comfort in the familiar way the needle felt in-between his fingers, the familiar annoyance of the thread secretly tangling and knotting, the way his imagine slowly came to life from hands that he had always been sure were meant for violence. He was creating a field of flowers, of purple hyacinths basking in the sun as birds and trees disappeared into the background. It was soothing the pain and anxiety that followed him around like a cloud. 

Aaron came back into the living room, after leaving to grab some more snacks, and paused at the sight of Andrew and his work. Andrew didn't think much of it, why should he? This was his brother who tried his best for Andrew. "What are you doing?" Aaron asked. 

With one hand, Andrew finger spelled E-M-B-R-O-I-D-E-R-Y. He wasn't sure if there was a dedicated sign to embroidery so finger spelling was the way to go for now even if he thought it was pretty obvious. Aaron didn't say anything for a while, and Andrew was too focused on his turkey work stitches that separates the flowers purely for aesthetic purposes to look up at Aaron's face. He had to focus on his annoying stitches.

"Seriously?" Aaron asked in the same tone he used earlier with Jeremy. "That’s really gay dude, like seriously gay." 

Andrew paused mid-stitch, his body frozen as he slowly digested the words his twin spoke to him. The implications, the way he was using the word that Andrew used for himself, associated with himself, was . 

Aaron just kept going, steam rolling ahead while dumping a bucket of cold water all over Andrew to give him a nice reality check. "Why are you even doing that? It makes you seem like a fag or something." 

There was a crashing sound from the kitchen, followed by Bee's angry voice. "AARON MICHAEL MINYARD!" She yelled as Andrew slipped between the couch cushions, all the sounds of yelling, scolding and shocked driven apologies muffling. 

Reality was cruel, it was cruel and Andrew thought that maybe, just maybe, because he was coming back to himself that things would be better. But it wouldn't. Because reality was cruel and Andrew's life never went the way he wanted it to. That was just his reality and he needed to accept it. Nothing would ever be easy for Andrew Joseph Dobson.

-

Bee was nervously biting her lip, phone pressed to her ear, her free hand gently running through Andrews hair. She was trying to soothe him like he was still a scared seven year old boy fresh from hell and Andrew only let her get away with it because she was his mom who always stood up for him. 

Aaron was grounded as punishment for what he said, currently attending a therapy session online that Andrew didn't hold any hopes for, while Andrew and Bee were at the kitchen table, learning about fabrics and patterns because Bee wanted to learn how to sew and Andrew wanted to spend time with his mom. 

"It is a nice position." Bee said into the phone. Andrew could hear what the other person, a woman, was saying through the phone. The woman, an old friend of Bee's named Abby, was offering Bee a position as a psychologist/therapist for the university she worked at. She'd basically see student athletes and anyone from the student body that was under high pressure degrees or courses and needed a therapist without worrying about the cost. It sounded like a very good deal for Bee, who was running herself to the ground dealing with the highly traumatic cases she had been taking on for inching close to a decade. She needed something with less pressure, lower stakes, something that would allow her to breathe and be home more often. Andrew shifted closer to his mom, hearing Abby talk excitedly on the phone. "But I'm not sure," Bee said, her dull nails scratching right where Andrew loved it. It was relaxing, Andrew could see why kittens loved it. "Moving might be a bit much with the boys and kitten." 

At her summons, King jumped onto the table, walking over to Andrew with her head held high and letting them all gaze upon her excellence. She stopped in front of Andrew and laid down, her tail flicking behind her. She stared at him and meowed, nuzzling her head against the cheek that wasn't pressed against the table. Andrew lifted a hand up to pet her. She always knew what to do to make this shitty world a little less shitty. 

"And to be honest I'm not sure being in South Carolina would be a great option." Bee continued and Andrew knew why she was worried. Andrew was gay, he could only love another boy- he only loved one boy who was long gone now- and he already had to deal with homophobia in the liberal California. It would be much worse in the southern US, much much worse. But Bee would be able to relax, they'd be near a huge university for Aaron to study at- he wanted to be a doctor, a neurosurgeon- and as long as Andrew had his family and King he'd be fine. He really would be fine. 

Andrew tugged on Bee's shirt, gaining her attention, her focus so he could tell her. Okay. He sighed to her, his face even. We can move. I okay.  

Bee looked down at him with a worried- Oh so worried- expression on her face. "We don’t have to, honey." She promised. "We can stay here for however long you want." 

Andrew read between the lines- they could stay for however long until his grief wasn't so big, until he could handle being so far away from the places that held memories of Neil. But Bee didn't know that that could never happen- he would never be able to heal in California. He was cursed to remember every detail of his life, every second he could recall, every second with Neil he would forever remember no matter if he stayed in California or not. Neil would haunt him forever. There wasn't much keeping Andrew in California anyways- Neil's home had been sold to a new family; the park they met at would be torn down so they could soon make a new one that would hold no traces of Neil in it; he had already moved onto high school, a long ways away from the elementary school he went to with Neil. No one but him cared anymore, so it wouldn't be a struggle to go somewhere new for his mom. His mom who loved him despite all the problems he caused her.

Neil dead. Andrew signed, his hands shaking because he didn't want to admit it. But they both knew it was true. They both knew that Neil was forever gone. I know. Let's go.

Bee looked at Andrew with sad eyes, a mix of pride and intense worry in them as well. She simply opened her arms and let Andrew lean against her. She wrapped her arms loosely around him, the only person alive who could touch him so freely. "What did I do to get such an amazing son?" She asked quietly. 

Andrew closed his eyes, letting his mom believe whatever she wanted. He knew he wasn't a good son. He knew he was nothing but trouble, baggage that no one should have to deal with. He knew the truth but he would let his mom think whatever she wanted for now. He wouldn't spoil this moment for her because he really did want to be a good son.

-

Andrew found Jeremy in the eastern hallway, talking to his friends with a strained smile on his face. Andrew sped up his walking, knowing that Aaron would soon find him, and passed by Jeremy, grabbing his shirt to pull him along. He noted the surprised and slightly concerned looks on the faces of Jeremy's friends, and he could imagine the ridiculous one on Jeremy's. He just ignored it and dragged Jeremy to an empty room, one that Aaron would hopefully pass by in his mad dash to find him. 

Andrew all but threw Jeremy inside, turning around to lock the door and pull down the window covering on the door. When he turned to face Jeremy, his face was bright red and he was looking at Andrew with his big brown eyes. Andrew grabbed the chalk and wrote on the blackboard: I'm moving once the school year ends  

Jeremy's eyes got wide, panicked, his backpack abandoned on one of the desks. "What?" He asked. "What do you mean you're moving?" 

Andrew wrote more on the blackboard, the dust from the chalk getting all over his all black clothes. Moving to SC and I'm never coming back if I can help it He wrote. He didn't want to come back here, to the place the held all his trauma, all the erased memories of Neil. 

"What!?" Jeremy asked, panicked. "I-" 

Andrew interrupted him with more writing. I'm going to kiss you, yes or no? He turned around to stare at Jeremy. 

Jeremy immediately shut his mouth, as red as a boiled lobster, hands at his side as he stared in disbelief. "Oh- I- you knew?" 

Andrew nodded. Of course he knew, Jeremy wasn't subtle about his crush. He was cute enough for Andrew to kiss him, the only one in this god forsaken school who at the very least tried to understand him, give him his space, care for him even if he could never compare to Neil. 

Jeremy gave a nervous laugh and looked away. "Well, this is embarrassing." He said. "I thought I hid it well." 

You did not. Andrew wrote, simply to drive the point home. Jeremy wore his crush on his sleeve. It had gotten him some trouble but he still kept doing it. Yes or no. Andrew asked again. 

Jeremy looked at Andrew, determination in his eyes as he nodded. "Yes." He said, his voice barely a whisper. 

Do not touch me. Andrew wrote on the board before abandoning it. He walked up to Jeremy, crowding him against a desk, hands planted on either side of him. He leaned in close, pausing an inch away from Jeremy's lips to give him a chance to say no, to push Andrew away if he didn't want this. 

Jeremy just looked at Andrew, no signs of not wanting this. He simply nodded and his eyes fluttered close as he leaned forward, brushing his lips against Andrew's. Andrew sucked in a breath, his heart pounding in his chest. He pushed forward, their lips meeting in a harsh mess of uncertainty and inexperience. He didn't know what he was doing, how he should move his lips against someone else's, he knew Jeremy didn't know either but they did their best, kissing a bit awkwardly but full of care and want. 

Jeremy pulled away first, just an inch to breathe, panting with heat radiating off of him. "Holy crap," he whispered in disbelief. 

Andrew nodded. It felt like his heart was going to burst from his chest, his body was hot and he knew his face was red. He knew it wasn't the best kiss ever, that they were sloppy and had no idea what they were doing but he actually kissed a boy. He had his first kiss with a cute boy. 

Someone who wasn't Neil.

Andrew felt the pang in his chest at the thought, at the feeling of betrayal but he shoved it down. Neil was gone, he was dead and Andrew had to accept that. 

"Can we do that again?" Jeremy asked. "Since you're leaving and all?" 

Andrew nodded. He lifted his hand and gripped Jeremy's chin. He pulled the idiot back into a hard kiss, knowing this would be the last time he ever spoke to him, ever saw him. He was leaving soon, escaping the torrent of memories this forsaken state held. So, he was going to kiss Jeremy until his lips fell off and later, he would write a small thank you on the board for him to discover.

-

Andrew could feel the sweat of the summer heat drip down his back, his shirt sticking to him in ways that were completely uncomfortable. But he still sat on ruins of what was once his safe space, the one hide away he had from the world that led him to his best friend, the only boy he would ever love, to Neil. 

"I had my first kiss the other day." He whispered to the wind. He knew nothing would come of this, that his words would only be carried away into nothingness. But a small part of him hoped the wind would carry them towards wherever Neil laid, wherever he was he hoped the wind would carry his words to him. "It was nice." 

Silence greeted him but that was what he expected. Bee sat too far away to hear, watching him say his final goodbyes to Neil. Aaron was in the car, sulking because Andrew didn't want him there. Andrew couldn't stand Aaron being there, watching him say goodbye to the boy he loved more than anything in the world with judgment in his eyes, in the downturn of his lips- all of it identical to Andrew. 

"Don’t worry Neil," Andrew whispered, his legs pulled up against his chest, an old drawing of the two of them Andrew made years ago crumpled in his hands, a short note on the back of it written in their secret language declaring everything he felt for Neil. Andrew was going to bury it in the dirt right where they first met all those years ago. "I'll only ever love you. I could kiss a thousand boys but they'll never be you." 

Andrew closed his eyes and listened to the rustle of the wind, felt the horrid sun beat down on him and for just a moment pretended that Neil was right next to him, dressed in a skirt with Andrew's embroidery on it, his wild auburn curls blowing in the wind as his sparkling blue eyes stared at him with all the love he held for him. When he opened his eyes he was alone, sitting at the ruined sight of what had been his and Neil's hideaway. "No one could ever compare to you Neil," he whispered, digging into the dirt with his hands. "Absolutely no one." 

He gently folded the picture up, sliding it into a plastic bag so it wouldn't be destroyed by the dirt or weather. He placed it gently into the hole he made with shaking hands. "Goodbye Neil," he whispered. "I’ll always love you.”

Chapter Text

Andrew couldn't stand the color blue anymore. He couldn't stand that one specific shade of blue that matched the eyes that visited him in his dreams. The ones full of so much love it threatened to tear him apart the moment he woke up to the reality of those eyes being gone. He couldn't stand the auburn color mixed with a tint of fire. He couldn't stand looking at fire anymore without remembering the boy who'd stare at it for the rest of his life if he could. 

Andrew couldn't stand the things that reminded him of Neil, and no matter how hard he tried to couldn't make Neil disappear from his dreams. He couldn't stop Neil, no longer a child but a teenager like Andrew, from appearing in his dreams, of kissing him in his dreams, of whispering his ridiculous plans for chaos into his ear as he encompassed Andrew. 

He couldn't stop him, bloody and cold, staring at him with lifeless blue eyes and dulled auburn hair, from appearing in his nightmares. He couldn't stop him from screaming and cursing at Andrew, blaming him for failing him, telling him that he caused his death, that he was the reason he was covered in his own blood and dead beneath Andrew's finger tips. Andrew couldn't stand it at all. 

"Andrew?" Aaron's voice interrupted the daily torment Andrew faced, the images he couldn't forget from his dreams and nightmares that haunted him all through the day. "Are you listening?" 

Andrew blinked slowly, the pieces of his reality coming back to him. They were in their new home, a big two story house with four bedrooms and a basement that Andrew pushed for so all of Bee's crafts had a place to itself. The kitchen was big and there was space for a nice dining table there, with an extra table being out on the porch with a bug net around it. The living room was covered in pictures, so many fucking pictures that Andrew couldn't stand, the bookshelf held all of Bee's many books and the backyard was huge with a nice big tree Andrew wanted to cut down. Bee was in the kitchen now, talking to Stephanie as she made lunch for the twins. From the sound of it it seemed like Stephanie was coming down to see her adopted daughter at the university Bee worked at and to finally met Bee in person after all these years. Andrew tried his hardest to be happy for his mom, but he couldn't. He wasn't sure he remembered what being happy felt like. 

King meowed, bumping her head against Andrew's leg in an attempt to get attention from him. Andrew leaned over and picked her up, her soft fur doing nothing to soothe his mind. 

"Andrew?" Aaron asked again, the nervous energy radiating off of him. 

Andrew sank deeper into the couch, eyes focused on the wall, trying hard to not let his mind slip back into the images of his dreams. Last night had been rough- he had woken up in the woods in his dream, blood covering his hands and clothes. There were crows flying around him, their unsettling eyes staring down at him accusingly, their beaks and talons sharp and ready to slice him open. Their caws sounded like accusations: "You killed him," over and over again until it felt like he would go mad. The trees were never ending, only letting a sliver of moonlight into the forest, just enough for Andrew to see Neil's bloodied and bruised body at his feet, his terrified blue eyes wide and dead looking up at him. His body full of holes and cuts and those eyes still staring up at him as the crows kept wailing; 

"You did this," 

"You did this," 

"You did this," 

Over and over and over again all above Neil's body. And when Andrew reached down to hold Neil, to hold him because no one else would have ever given him even that tiny bit of kindness, Neil's corpse sprung up- his bone-y fingers gripping, holding onto Andrew's face, as those lifeless blue eyes stared deep into Andrew's sole, the ground slowly swallowing them down, down, down. Neil called Andrew's name out, a curse and prayer into one, hatred and love, despair and hope. He kept saying it over and over as they sank into the forest ground, the water like dirt rising up their bodies as Neil kept saying his name as his blood and tears fell onto Andrew's face still in his cold, cold hands, as the birds kept cursing him for his failure. When the water like dirt finally swallowed him whole with one last whisper of his name he woke up in a cold sweat. He had been back in his bed with a new nightmare to his collection. 

"Andrew," Aaron said again. "Are you still mad at me?" He asked with desperation soaking his voice. 

Andrew looked over at him, knowing by the flinch Aaron gave that his eyes were empty and dead, and simply stared. His relationship with Aaron had become strained, to put it nicely. Andrew couldn't face him. It was hard. To look at his own face, the one that called him slurs, that implied that the way he loved, the boy he loved, was disgusting. Was wrong. Andrew could forgive a lot, but not that. He wouldn't let anyone degrade Neil's memory, even if he was plagued by haunting memories and dreams and nightmares. And he deserved better than that, he deserved a brother who didn't call him slurs. Didn't throw his sexuality in his face as an insult while wearing his face. Neil would burn him alive for letting someone treat him like that. But Aaron was still his brother, Andrew still loved him maybe more than himself. But but but - 

Andrew looked away, back at the wall watching out of the corner of his eye Aaron nearly tear his hair out in frustration. Andrew couldn't muster up the energy to care.

-

Bee spun around in her new skirt that she and Andrew made together, the fabric flowy and covered in hand embroidered flowers and little bumble bees that Andrew did. There was some tule under the main cotton fabric that was soft to the touch, a few layers to give the skirt some poof. It went down to Bee's ankles like all of her other skirts and it looked really nice on her. 

"Andrew, honey," Bee said, her smile bright and loving. "This is amazing, thank you so much." 

Andrew just shrugged, no longer sure how to accept his mom's love and kindness. He knew he did at one point, but now he wasn't sure what to do with her love and the guilt it created. Bee hummed happily as she walked around her crafting room, full of fabrics, thread, dyes and patterns. Andrew packed up his needles, varying in size and length, and gathered up all the stray pieces of fabric that he cut off during the trimming. 

"Stephanie says that Renee will be coming along with her." Bee said. "If that's okay with you, of course." 

Andrew just nodded. He didn't care but he knew how much this meant to Bee. So he would do his best not to make her worry about him. 

Bee smiled brightly at him, her excitement to finally meet her long distance friend shining through. Andrew hadn't ever see her so excited to see someone other than maybe him or Neil or Aaron. Even when Higgins would come around with flowers and pink cheeks Bee had only given him pleasant smiles and little room for opportunity. 

Andrew decided that his curiosity deserved some answers, plus asking something would make Bee worry less about him. He tapped the table to get Bee's attention, and when she had her eyes on him, he signed to her: 

Why you never date H-I-G-G-I-N-S?  

Bee took a moment to put the finger spelling together- she said it wasn't nice to refer to cops as pigs, plus, she'd never figure out which pig he was talking about- before she chuckled. "Oh honey," she shook her head and pulled down one of her photo albums. "I was never interested in him." She gestured for Andrew to come closer as she opened the album. 

It was one Andrew hadn't seen before but it was old, covered in scratches and worn with love. It was very Bee. Andrew stood next to his mom, finding himself leaning against her because she was the most comforting place he could be, eyes glued on old family photos of people Andrew had never met. Bee's smile was fond with a hint of sadness as she flipped through the pages. Andrew found himself enjoying it, looking at old photos of his mom back in the 70s and 80s as a child and a teenager. She looked really young and happy, with thick glasses wearing ridiculous dresses that just screamed the time period. 

"Ah, here we go." Bee said as she flipped the page that was different than the ones before. 

Where as the ones before had simply been pictures with maybe a concert ticket stub tapped to the page but now- now the pages exploded with color. There were faded rainbow tape decorating the border, faded but loved mini pride flags, pieces of larger flags, glitter and sparkles everywhere and so so many photos of Bee- Andrew's kind, cable knit sweaters wearing mom who was all gentle smiles harnessing the power of books who couldn't hurt a fly- marching in so many pride protests. Signs lifted above her head, screaming for gay rights, the old lesbian flag on her shirt with the words; "My love is not a sin"; "I’m a lesbian and I'm beautiful"; "Gay pride"; "Lesbian pride"; and so many more. In some there were photos of Bee with the rainbow flag proudly tied around her neck, flowing behind her as she and other women- black, Hispanic, white, Asian, butch, fem, punk and goth- marched around her all screaming for their rights, for their right to live and breathe. 

Andrew stood there in shock. He mom was fucking hardcore as fuck. What the fuck? Bee just smiled fondly as she pulled out a photo of her and another woman, mid kiss- ew- throwing middle fingers to the camera, the laughter clear in their bodies. What. The. Fuck? 

"This is me and my first love," she said with love in her voice. "Her name was Beverly." 

Andrew snatched the photo from his mom's hand and stared intensely at the photo. That was definitely his mom. His cable knit sweaters wearing mom currently in a long skirt they made together with flowers and bumble bees embroidered onto it. And that was definitely HIS MOM kissing another woman. Flipping off the camera. At a gay rally. 

Bee chuckled and made no move to take the photo back. "We met at college, at our poetry class." She explained. 

Of course. It's always poetry. Andrew thought. 

"Oh it was such a fun time with her." Bee recalled happily. "We spent so much time together- every day we saw each other, laughed and smiled together. It was magical." 

Andrew knew exactly what she meant- he had had his first love too. He knew the overwhelming happiness that came with it, the desire to always be with them, to see them happy and safe, to know everything about them. Andrew knew exactly how magical it was- and he knew exactly how devastating it was when it all came crashing down. 

What happened? Andrew signed, gently handing over the photo for his mom to take. She always took such good care of her photos, better than Andrew would ever give thought to.

Bee gently took the photo from him, her face an array of emotions. "Oh, so many things happened, honey." She said gently. "We were together for years, many many years. But when I started working with kids, kids who were like you," she looked down at Andrew with an expression of love and pride at how far Andrew had come- even if he had taken so many steps back in progress. 

Andrew knew that his mom had worked with troubled kids her whole career, the kids in foster care who had experienced hell on earth, kids who had bad homes, kids who thought the end of a gun was better than what awaited them at home. She had come specifically to Andrew and Neil's school because of her experience, knowing better than anyone how to take care of troubled kids. Andrew headbutted Bee's side that he was leaning against, like King always did to him to cheer him up, to give him affection when he was drowning in the memories. 

Bee smiled at him and leaned slightly against him back. "Beverly saw how much of a toll it was taking on me and tried to convince me to stop, to let someone else take over for at least a little bit." She explained. "But I couldn't do that. All the things I saw had changed me and the thought of letting a stranger who might not have any formal training step in and possibly retraumatize those sweet babies broke me. It took a toll on us that we couldn't come back from." 

Andrew looked down at the photo, at how happy his mom looked in the photo with her first love that wouldn't last forever like they probably thought it would. He didn't wish for his mom to be unhappy or to be thankful for her love ending but he was . He was because it meant Bee met him, saved him from a man who crawled into his bed at night. It meant he got to have a mom in his life who loved him so much that he didn't know how to handle it. If Bee had listened to Beverly and stopped her work with kids, even for just a little bit, she never would've found Andrew and who knew where Andrew would be. Neil would probably have killed the man, burned the entire place to the ground but Mary might have taken him away sooner because of that. He wasn't sure what would've happened but he was thankful for Bee everyday. 

"She left." Bee continued. "She told me it was her or my work and I- I decided then that I would never let someone force me into such an ultimatum. So I chose myself, even if to her it seemed like I chose my work." 

You met me. Andrew signed, hoping to get across everything he couldn't say. The things he knew he shouldn't be thankful for but was anyways. 

Bee chuckled, placing the photo back into it’s proper place. "You’re right," she agreed. "It meant I got to met you and I'm more thankful for that decision I made than ever." 

Andrew didn't know how to deal with all of that, all the love his mom had for him. So he simply nodded and let his mom show him more photos, more of her life before becoming his mom. It was nice. It was really, really nice.

-

"Stephanie!" Bee called out, waving widely at a woman and teenager making their way across the parking lot. Bee was dressed in her best- the skirt she and Andrew had made together, a baby blue blouse with her favorite cable knit sweater thrown on top. Her hair was neatly brushed, chopped at her chin in a cute bob, and Andrew had made sure she wore a flower pin in her hair to tie the look together. His mom was finally meeting her long distance girlfriend so she had to look her best. 

Stephanie seemed like a nice enough woman, with light brown hair, about the same age as Bee with smile lines on her face. She was a bit taller than Bee, even more so with the heels she was wearing that fit nicely with her more polished business like outfit. The most important thing was that she seemed absolutely thrilled to meet Bee, which was how it was supposed to go. Andrew had no qualms about fighting a woman to protect his mom. 

"Bee!" Stephanie called out, waving just as intently as Bee. 

"Why am I here?" Aaron asked. 

Andrew ignored him. They were there to support Bee, she was officially starting her new job once the winter break ended and they were helping her decorate her new office. And at least Andrew was there to support her in meeting her long distance girlfriend. Because his mom was apparently a badass lesbian. 

Stephanie rushed over, her older teenaged adopted daughter Renee, following her. When she was close enough she pulled Bee into her arms, pulling her into a gentle kiss. 

Andrew looked away to give them some privacy. He locked eyes with whom he assumed would eventually become his step sister and instantly recognized the darkness in her eyes. 

She had seen things. She had done things. The cross pendant around her neck didn't fool Andrew, he could already tell that she knew violence intimately. "Hello," She said. "My name is Renee Walker, it's nice to met you." She didn't hold her hand out for them to shake. Renee spoke softly and kindly, matching her soft persona but it was detached, too impersonal with the hints of coldness in her voice. 

"I'm Aaron." Aaron said with a stilted wave. "This is my brother Andrew." He pointed to Andrew, a certain look in his eyes, pleading for something they both knew wouldn't happen. "He, uh, doesn't talk. He does sign though." 

Andrew didn't make any effort to wave, to say hello. He wanted to see what Renee would do, what that soft smile would turn into in the face of disrespect. 

Renee looked at him with carefully hidden sharp eyes, her smile still pleasant. But it was her eyes that held all the darkness she had seen, experienced, done. She lifted her hands and signed. If your mom hurts mine she will be hurt. It was overly-signed, the way most hearing people signed because they need their signage to be just like their vocabulary. But she still knew them. She still knew how to make an effective threat without using her words. 

Andrew supposed he wasn't opposed to having her as a step sister, as long as her mom treated his own right. He lifted his hands and signed. Right back at you, my new sister.

-

Andrew woke up in a cold sweat, his body sticking to the sheets, his clothes damp with sweat. His breathing was haggard, rough and erratic as the panic flowed freely through his body. He could still feel those hands on him, touching him as he begged and pleaded for it to stop. He could still smell his breath as he lied to him over and over again, promised with a sick smirk that he would stop if Andrew just said please. His voice was still ringing in Andrew's ear and he couldn't stand it. 

Andrew pushed his blanket off, staring up at the stars on his ceiling. He was in his bedroom, in the house his mom bought in South Carolina. He wasn't in that wretched house anymore. 

King meowed, pacing on the floor with her tail flicking with worry. She followed him into the bathroom, guarding the door as Andrew scrubbed his skin raw, desperate to get the feeling of those hands off of him. He scrubbed until the water turned cold, until he was shivering so badly he couldn't hold the scrub anymore. King waited patiently as Andrew dried himself off, rubbing his skin red with the towel in another attempt to get rid of the man's touch. King circled his legs as he got into a set of clean, dry clothes, covering every inch of his body in an effort to hide marks that he knew weren't there anymore. 

Andrew picked King up, holding her close to him. Her fur was soft and comforting, her purs grounding him to the reality he was in, not letting him drift too far down into his memories. Andrew left the bathroom, pausing at the decision ahead of him. He couldn't go back to his own bed covered in sweat. He couldn't go to Aaron's room, he didn't know why Andrew woke up in the middle of the night and he was afraid how he would react, what he'd say about it. He wasn't sure he'd believe him. He was afraid of them getting closer only for it all to fall apart again. That left Bee's room. He didn't want to wake Bee but the idea of going back into his room disgusted him too much. 

So to Bee's room Andrew and King went, Andrew's feet not making a sound. Andrew knocked on Bee's door, not wanting to startle her awake. He waited a few seconds, listening to the sounds of moving fabric, before entering. 

Bee was barely visible in the dark, but Andrew knew she was squinting, trying to look at which twin was now in her bedroom. It was hard to tell in the dark. "Andrew?" She called out. "Is everything alright?" 

Andrew shook his head, stepping into the room and shutting the door behind him. He waited for Bee to turn on her bedside lamp to sign. Nightmare. He settled King onto the floor and crawled onto the bed, big and comfortable and safe , covered in so many different blankets it should be a crime. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" Bee asked. She had to know how many different things could cause Andrew's nightmares. She had to know there was too many things that had happened to him that could have him screaming in the night as he slept. But she didn't push to know which one it was, she just opened her arms for him to lay against, to remove the bad ghost hands that still clung to him. 

Andrew shook his head no. He didn't want to talk about it. He wanted it to go away forever. 

"Do you want to go back to sleep?" Bee asked instead. 

Andrew shook his head no. The memories would just come right back if he could even drift back to sleep.

"Okay." Bee agreed easily. "Should I tell you some stories?" 

Andrew nodded. He liked listening to her stories, the crazy wild ones about her life before she became his mom. He was still a bit miffed about her being so cool, but it was okay in the end. His mom was badass. Not everyone could say that- but Andrew could. His mom was a total badass.

"Well let's see," Bee hummed as she thought of a good story for him. "Oh! During the summer of my second year of college- this was after my family disowned me- me and Beverly traveled across Europe. Just the two of us and our backpacks, slowly making our way through the beautiful country side. We saw the ruins of the Berlin wall in Germany; we saw the palace of Versailles and the Louvre; and oh, the beautiful, breathtaking sights in Greece. It was absolutely stunning, Andrew." 

Andrew closed his eyes, King making her way onto Andrew’s lap for optimal pets and cuddles. He listened as Bee recounted her adventures across Europe, all the beautiful things she saw on the trip her girlfriend took her on to cheer her up. Andrew's mom really was badass.

-

Andrew rushed down the hallway, trying hard to outrun his brother who was chasing after him. For whatever reason, Aaron thought that cornering Andrew at school would be the best way to force him to have a conversation with him. But Andrew wasn't ready for that. Fear had its hand gripped around his throat- fear of the hatred his brother was capable of, fear of the universe taking Aaron away like it took Neil away. So he ran. 

Until Aaron caught up to him, tackling him to the ground, both of the twins out of breath on the floor and covered in sweet. Andrew kicked Aaron away, the panic slowly settling in from the weight of someone else on top of him. He crawled away from Aaron, panting heavily as he fought against the memories that were making their way through his body and mind. 

"Andrew!" Aaron yelled, his breathing heavy from the running he had done. "Stop- fucking...running away from me!" 

Andrew sat down, back pressed against the wall as he regained his breathing, practicing the breathing methods Bee gave him. In, out. In, out. Slow and steady.

Aaron glared at him, a mix of anger and desperation. He wanted to be brothers but Andrew wasn't sure he could do it. He wasn't sure he could give Aaron that kind of trust yet. How could he hand himself over once more when he knew so well the pain of having it torn to shreds? "Why do you keep ignoring me?" Aaron demanded. "I'm your fucking twin! You took me away from my mom and into your picture perfect fucking family just to ignore me! How the hell is that fair?" 

Andrew swallowed around the lump in his throat, around the pain of his past- of heavy hands and late night visits; of running through a thunder storm to escape hell on earth in nothing but his thin pjs; of losing the most important person in his life because he couldn't save him, because he was too weak to hold onto him tight enough. How dare Aaron believe he had had a perfect life before Bee, that he was doing this because of some kind of misdirected spite. How fucking dare he. 

"I was fine before you!" Aaron yelled and Andrew could only be thankful that they ended up in an empty hallway without any classrooms around them. "I would've been fine with mom but then you had to stick your nose into our business!" 

Images and memories flashed in Andrew's head- of Neil promising he was fine; saying he was fine and that everything would be fine; of the endless nightmares of his body being laid at his feet, those lifeless blue eyes staring into his soul, dead to the world because Andrew had the audacity to love him. 

Andrew threw his backpack at Aaron, the rage taking over his body before his mind could catch up. "Shut. Up." He hissed, his voice starchy and hoarse from the months he hadn't used it. 

Aaron's eyes widened, his lips twitching upwards as he stared at Andrew. "You-" 

"Don't say shit to me." Andrew demanded. He couldn't handle this. He couldn't stand Aaron saying that his abuse was fine, that he would've been fine. Because he wouldn't have. He would have been dead or worse. His brother would've been- 

"Then what the hell am I here for?" Aaron demanded. "If I can't say anything to you and you don't say shit to me- why am I here?" 

Because you're my brother  

Because I love you  

Because I can't lose you too

Andrew couldn't say anything, the words caught in his throat, gripped by the fear of voicing anything out loud. So he said nothing and let them fall into a tense silence with only the sound of their relationship tearing to break it.

-

"So," Renee said gently but coldly. She still hadn't mastered the art of hiding the darkness inside of her yet. But she was trying. At the very least her pleasant smile seemed to be more genuine than the last time Andrew saw it. "Our moms are on a date." 

Andrew nodded, swirling around in his chair. Their moms were indeed on a date, it was their seventh official date and they were planning to spend the night at Stephanie's hotel room. Andrew shuddered to think about that too much. 

Renee hummed, fingering the cross pendant around her neck. Andrew still wasn't sure if he believed her when she said she really believed in god. To him it seemed like an act, a convenient way to repent for her past. "Well, as long as Stephanie is happy." She said. 

Andrew stopped spinning just long enough to type into the computer; Why do you call her by her name if you acknowledge her as your mom?  

They were zooming each other- Renee at her dorm room while Andrew was in his bedroom while Aaron took over the living room. They were getting closer, sharing the disturbing parts of their pasts since they knew the other could handle it. Andrew wasn't sure why it was easier to talk to Renee than Aaron but he had some ideas- mainly that if their moms parted ways they wouldn't be stuck with each other. They'd be step siblings, only brought together by their parents. There would be no blood ties to keep them together. The relationship didn’t have such high stakes.

"Because it's difficult." Renee said with an edge to her voice. "I know you have no experience with this, but I did have a mother before her." She snapped with a smile on her face. To anyone else it'd hurt, but Andrew only had the urge to smirk. 

You're right I don't. Andrew typed into the message bar. But I don't glorify abusive bitches who try to destroy their own children.

Renee's eye twitched with annoyance and anger but she quickly filed it away. Andrew felt like being annoying, to push at the slumbering bear just to watch Renee lose it. 

How are your roommates?  

Renee exploded instantly, but with the brightest smile on her face. "I fucking hate them!" She announced. Andrew could see the veins in her head popping. It was amazing. "Allison, while beautiful, is fucking vapid and nearly narcissistic in her behavior." Renee ranted, still smiling widely and gripping the pendant in her hand. "She takes over an hour each and every morning getting ready and refuses to have a single hair out of place before leaving the bathroom as if she doesn't share a damn dorm with two other people. Not to mention how many fucking clothes she has. No one needs that many clothes. She is taking up all of the limited closest space with all of her club like dresses. Who the hell wears a strapless mini dress to classes? Allison Reynolds that's who." 

Andrew had never had as much enjoyment in life in the last five years than in this moment. He was fully embracing the little brother role and pissing his older sister off. Amazing. It was impressive how Renee kept that wide smile on her face while cursing out her roommates. And while gripping her cross with a death grip. 

Sounds like you like her. Andrew typed just to be annoying. 

"I think I might stab you." Renee said in that gentle older sister tone. Andrew was going to enjoy this for the whole duration of their moms being together. They had better stay together for a long time, he needed his full of this. 

Loud voices- too many for it to come from the TV- filtered up into Andrew’s room, interrupting his torment of his soon-to-be sister. King meowed and hissed at the door, her hair standing up on end.

"What’s going on?" Renee asked, her anger gone and replaced by worry that was a smidgen genuine. 

Don’t know. Andrew signed. He stood up and scooped King up, careful in holding her to not get scratched by her claws. He opened the door only to be hit with the familiar loud, annoying and nasally voices of his and Aaron's classmates who should not know where they lived. 

Music was starting to play, low for now but who knew how long that would last. Andrew walked down the stairs, stopping in the middle in shock at the scene before him: Aaron was at the front door, greeting dozens of different idiot teenagers as they filled their fucking home, an annoying girl who flocked to any guy who gave her enough attention was plastered against Aaron's side as he talked to a few of the soccer players. The living room was already a mess with all different kinds of party snacks, drinks, and even a few bottles of alcohol that Andrew had never seen before. It wasn't like Bee kept any in the house- she didn't drink and didn't want to risk the boys getting into it. 

King rustled out of Andrew's hands and stood on his shoulders, hissing violently at the various people coming into their house- the place Andrew always felt safe in because Bee had never let anyone in that made Andrew even the slightest bit uncomfortable around- pigs unfortunately not included because they could arrest them all. And Aaron was ruining that by having them all in here. 

One of the guys on the lacrosse team looked up and saw Andrew, smiling and waving like an absolute idiot. "Hey dude! Thanks for hosting this party!" 

Andrew blinked slowly at him. Then he snapped his head towards his stupid, stupid brother. 

Aaron didn’t look at Andrew, he looked fucking guilty though. He knew what he was doing, letting all these people into their house with alcohol- 

Andrew immediately rushed down the rest of the stairs, towards the door that lead to the basement- the place Bee used as her craft room. It held all of her memories, her photo albums, her embroidery works, and all of her collectibles. If something happened to them- Andrew didn't even want to think about what it would do to his mom. He ran through the door, closing and locking it behind him before rushing down the stairs. He checked everything, from top to bottom while King stayed perched on his shoulders, protecting him in the way she knew best. Andrew could finally breathe when he saw nothing was missing and everything was in it's rightful place. Bee had a special system for everything, everything had its place and she never took something out and put it in a different spot. It made it easy to check. 

Andrew grabbed the spare key for the basement- Bee having the primary key on her person at all times- and exited, locking up behind him. For extra measure, he dragged one of the chairs in front of the door, along with one of the fake plants that Bee kept in the living room because she couldn't keep a real one alive for more than a week. People were staring at him, whispering about him being crazy as they pretended to get ready for the party. 

Andrew didn't care. Instead he marched over to Aaron, King hissing and swiping at everyone who got too close and grabbed him by the shirt. King hissed at the bitch hanging off of him, scratching her good. He dragged Aaron up the stairs away from everyone. He pushed Aaron against the wall and glared at him. Talk. Now. He demanded. 

Aaron glared right back at him, rubbing his shoulder. "Now you want to talk?" He asked with a sneer. "I seem to remember you ignoring me for the past year." 

Why people here? Andrew pressed. He knew why- he knew that Aaron was holding a party while Bee was away- but he wanted him to admit it. 

Aaron squirmed under Andrew and King's pressure, but he still managed to look Andrew in the eye. "What? You've never been to a party before?" 

No.

Aaron frowned, for a moment his anger disappearing. "Seriously?" 

Get them out. Andrew ordered. He wanted those bumbling assholes out of his safe place. They were going to get drunk and destroy their home, the one Bee spent hours putting together for them. 

"Don’t worry, it'll be fine." Aaron scoffed. "Just because you're a pathetic loner doesn't mean I can't have fun." 

Andrew stared at his brother. He stared and stared at the boy who was his exact carbon copy, the anger and resentment on his face. The air of smugness around him was near unbearable. They touch my stuff I kill them. Andrew warned Aaron. This was on him. If he wanted to throw a party then he alone would be responsible for them all and the destruction that would follow it. 

"Whatever." Aaron muttered. "Just don't butt in, you'll ruin the mood." 

Andrew didn't let that comment get to him. He didn't feel the slightest bit hurt by it. He simply looked away from his brother and went to lock all the rooms on the upper floor, all their bedrooms and even the bathroom and office. When he got back to his room, locked the door and everything, the music was loud enough to shake the walls. 

"Andrew?" Renee called out, her worry far more prevalent in her voice. 

Andrew took a deep breath and went back to his computer and typed out his response. 

Aaron threw a party without asking me.

-

All Andrew could see was the vibrant, icy blue of Neil's eyes; the vibrant auburn of his hair and that fucking smirk. Andrew hated the color blue, he hated the reminder of Neil but right now all he felt was love. A warm fuzzy feeling as he stared at the face of the only boy he'd ever love. 

Andrew was laying on his bed, but it was so comfy, like he was really laying on a cloud. A warm cloud that kept them safe. He couldn't see anything but Neil, Neil, Neil. 

Neil, older than he last saw him, grown to a proper teenager with that mischievous spark in his beautiful blue eyes, sat on top of him, settled comfortably on Andrew's chest. He stared at Andrew with his big blue eyes that Andrew could never turn away from, his lips, pulled into a smirk, were plump and so kissable. 

Andrew wanted to kiss him. Even if he knew this couldn't be real. Neil was gone, he wasn't laying on top of Andrew's chest, looking at him with such affection in his eyes. 

"Drew," Neil whispered, his affection over flowing from his voice. His voice was deeper than when Andrew last heard it, sending a warm feeling down his spine. It was sweet and sugary, addictive especially when he said Andrew's name. 

"My Drew," Neil leaned down closer, until their lips were nearly touching. His hands were running up and down Andrew's chest, ghosting over his skin. 

Andrew reached up and cupped Neil's warm cheeks in his hands. He could feel his warmth so clearly that he couldn't possibly believe this wasn't real. "Neil," Andrew whispered, afraid that if he said it any louder Neil would disappear. 

Neil's smirk turned into a soft, soft smile that was only ever for Andrew to see. "Hi Drew," he said, his lips ghosting over Andrew's. His breath smelt like strawberries. 

"Neil," Andrew could only say his name, his voice cracking under his emotions. 

Neil huffed out a laugh, a muffled giggle that was only acceptable because it was Neil. "Yes Drew?" Neil asked with a smile, dragging his lips down his jaw. 

"Neil," Andrew's breath hitched as Neil's plump lips brushed against the skin of his neck. 

"Is that all you can say?" Neil asked teasingly. He was still a menace, even after all this time. "Just my name?" 

Andrew gasped as Neil pressed a gentle kiss to his neck, a pleasant shiver going down his spine. His hands found a place at Neil's hips, holding him steady, pulling him close. "Neil." He wanted to kiss him. To feel his lips against his own. Desperately. 

Neil pulled away from Andrew's neck, sitting up straight so he could torture Andrew with that stupid smirk, that smug look on his beautiful face that said he knew exactly what he was doing to Andrew. "You have to use your words, Drew." He said, tilting his head slightly, exposing more of his neck that Andrew wanted to kiss and kiss and kiss. "If you just say my name how am I supposed to know what you want?" 

Andrew narrowed his eyes at him, his hands drifting all over his body, feeling every inch of his warm body that he could. "Menace." 

Neil lit up, leaning back down with his arms snaking around Andrew's neck. "That’s more like my Drew," he teased. "You always know exactly what I'm planning." 

Do I?  

Andrew wrapped his arms around Neil's waist, holding him against him so he couldn't run away. A pleasant, warm and fuzzy feeling spread over his body, something he hadn't felt in so long even if he couldn't remember why anymore. 

Neil giggled, his lips just a breath away from Andrew’s. "Paranoid much?" He asked. "Don’t worry, my Drew, I'm not going anywhere." 

"Neil," Andrew whispered, closing his eyes as he leaned in, closing the distance between their lips. It was absolute heaven, it was everything Andrew had ever wanted. It was like the world started and ended with Neil, nothing else held any meaning. Andrew would devote himself to this boy forever and ever even if he never got to taste the sweet taste of strawberries on Neil's lips again. 

Neil pulled away, his blue eyes full of love and affection as he looked at Andrew. "I love you Andrew Dobson." 

Andrew bolted up from his bed, breathing heavily as he looked around his room for Neil. It was pointless. He wasn't there. He didn't even exist anymore. He was long gone. But it didn't stop Andrew from searching his entire room, looking under the bed, in his closet- anywhere in the pointless hope that Neil really had been there just a moment before. That he really had been sitting on his chest, teasing him, kissing him, telling him that he loved him. But it was all useless. 

There wasn't a trace that Neil had been there- all he had were the few things he had taken from Neil's room all those years ago for safe keeping. But had that even happened? Had Neil even existed or had he just been someone he created in his fucked up little head to deal with everything? Was he a hallucination caused by malnutrition? Was that even possible? 

Andrew rushed out the door, not bothering to close it after him, vaguely registering King's meows of concern- he wasn't even sure if she existed either or if she was another hallucination he made alongside Neil- and rushed to his mom’s room. Was she real? Was this house truly this nice or was it a dump that he just couldn't see? Andrew burst into his mom's room, knowing she would tell him if he was going crazy- if he had been crazy this whole time. 

Bee jolted up, squinting and fumbling for the light on her bedside table. "Andrew? What's wrong?" She asked, worried and panicked. 

Andrew gripped his hair tightly, wanting to tug out all of the strands from his head. "Mom," he gasped out, his voice ragged and broken. "Did I make him up?" 

Bee's eyes widened with shock or worry Andrew wasn't sure. He couldn't think past the panic filling his brain. "What?" She asked. 

Andrew took shaky steps towards her, his breathing fast and shallow and he tugged at his hair desperately. "Did I make him up?" He asked. "Did I make Neil up because I was too fucked up to cope?" 

Bee got out of bed, grabbing one of her decorative blankets at the foot of the bed as she passed by on her way to Andrew. "Oh honey," she said gently. "You didn't make him up- Neil was very real." 

Andrew gripped his hair tighter, ready to pull it out and use that pain to make sure that this was real. Every breath was shaky and ragged, it felt like his lungs were on fire and something wet was dripping down his cheeks. "But was he?" He asked. "Was he real?" 

No one remembered him but Andrew. No one ever brought him up- not even the bullies who made fun of him for being an orphan. It was like the world forgot about a boy who was unforgettable and Andrew was in some kind of dystopian alternate universe where Neil never existed. 

Bee wrapped the blanket around Andrew's shoulders, the weight crashing down on him, pulling a gasp from him as he startled back to reality. Bee had thrown the heavy weighed blanket over him to calm him down. Bee waited patiently until Andrew looked up at her, her kind brown eyes full of care and concern over him. "Andrew," she said gently. "Neil was very real. He was as real as you, as this blanket," she gently grabbed Andrew's hands and pulled them out from Andrew's hair. "As me. He was your best friend, and someone who loved you very dearly. I have the photos to prove it and I'll show you all of them." 

Andrew nodded his head, clutching his mom's warm hands in his own. Ghosts didn't have warm hands. Hallucinations didn't have skin texture so vivid- or at least he didn't think so. This was real, his mom was real and Neil had been real. 

"If you ever doubt it again I'll show you all the photos of the two of you- every single one of them." Bee promised and Andrew believed her. She didn't lie to him. 

Andrew nodded, tears falling down onto the carpet as his mind flashed various memories of Neil, distorting with the dreams he had been having ever since Neil disappeared. "I miss him," he whispered. "I miss him so much." 

"I know, I do too, honey." Bee said. "I’m so sorry." 

Chapter Text

Nicky was a yapper. He talked and talked and talked without ever pausing to take a breath. It was kind of annoying but he was also really cool- not that Andrew would ever admit it. He was Andrew's cousin, the son of a deeply homophobic preacher who basically kidnapped a poor Mexican woman and touted her around to show his 'benevolence' and to say he wasn't racist because he had a Mexican wife. He was also openly gay, spoke German- he was really really excited to learn that Andrew already spoke it- and was engaged to a German man he met while studying abroad. Andrew had to respect him, at least a little bit. He survived a horrible home and made it out alive- he was still himself after everything his parents tried to do to him. It gave Andrew some hope that he'd turn out alright too. 

"And then Erik knelt down on one knee while I was barely alive from all that hiking and proposed!" Nicky exclaimed excitedly. He had told this story before but Andrew suspected that Nicky knew he was gay and was trying to tell him that it wasn't all doom and gloom. That or he had a limited short term memory. It really was a toss up with him. "Oh it was so romantic!" He sighed dreamily, hands clasped together, eyes distant as he remembered his happy memory. 

Andrew was happy for him, he really was. Something about queer joy made him settled, happy even. People liked to shout from the roof tops that being queer was so hard, that it only meant a hard life because people like them- the idiots on the rooftops- couldn't shut the fuck up and let queer people exist peacefully. So hearing Nicky, someone who the world tried to beat down, got to have his fairytale romance just like every other annoying straight person was refreshing. 

"He sounds like a wonderful young man." Bee said without sounding like she was placating him. If Renee were there she'd manage to make that sound insulting. Neil probably would've insulted him to his face, uncaring about hurting his feelings. 

"Oh he is, Bee." Nicky agreed. "If it's okay with you, I'd love to bring him next time!" 

Aaron shifted uncomfortably on the couch but he didn't say anything. He just picked at his jeans, listening but not saying anything like Andrew. But Andrew was actually interested in their cousin who came all the way from Germany to see them with two huge pile of presents, one for each of them. 

"That would be wonderful!" Bee agreed. "I'm sure it'll be nice to have the whole family over for an event." 

Andrew knew immediately that that also meant Stephanie and Renee. He actually found himself a bit excited for the next event- somewhere he'd be surrounded by queer joy, be able to remember that the way he loved didn't mean his life was going to be as hard as everyone said it would be. 

Nicky absolutely lit up. "Oh yes! Absolutely!" He agreed, nodding his head so fast Andrew wondered if it would just topple off. "I’ll make sure to send you my future mother-in-law's chocolate fudge cake recipe-" 

Andrew instantly perked up, his mouth watering at the thought of a chocolate fudge cake possibly made of German chocolate. Fuck he wanted it. 

Bee chuckled at Andrew's reaction but didn't call him out further on it. "I’ll make sure to follow it to a T." She promised both Nicky and Andrew. 

Nicky nodded happily then turned his attention onto the twins, his smile sincere and genuine, even if it was a bit much. "So now that I've rambled all week," he laughed. "Why don't you two tell me a bit about yourselves? I know we haven't met before this Andrew, and Aaron I haven't seen you since you were an adorable little toddler- Andrew don't worry I'm sure you were just as adorable- but I want you both to know I love you and want to know every little thing about you!" 

Aaron scoffed, disbelief and anger in every inch of his body. "Sure you do." He spat under his breath. "Good luck getting Andrew to say anything about himself, he doesn't talk to anyone. Not even me." 

Andrew heard the resentment in his voice, felt it down in his bones but he couldn't deny that Aaron was right. Andrew didn't talk about himself to Aaron- he didn't really talk at all. Every time it felt like he could tell Aaron even the smallest piece of him Aaron always did something to fill him with fear about sharing anything. 

Nicky looked between them, nervous and unsure. Bee looked worried, about the both of them, but she knew as well as Andrew did that she held little to no power over Aaron. "Well, I'm sure he's just shy!" Nicky tried to argue but it fell flat quickly. 

Aaron scoffed at Nicky, glaring daggers at him that Andrew felt in his soul as well. He felt the hatred and disgust Aaron was throwing at Nicky like he was throwing it at him too. Andrew was tired.

-

Andrew felt calm with the needle held in his fingers, with King purring softly next to him as he made stitch after stitch after stitch. He felt settled, even for just a moment. He didn't have many peaceful moments anymore- his life was full of new people constantly wanting to talk to him, even if he never spoke back. He had a new sister, even if their moms still hadn't gotten married yet and probably wouldn't for a while; he had a cousin who loved him the moment he learned of his existence; he had a mom who chose him to be her son, loved him so much it helped to make the hands that had a hold on him turn to ghosts; and he had a twin brother. A brother he loved so much he was to risk everything to protect him. A brother who, if he knew, would despise him for the way he loved. His own brother would look at him with so much disgust if he knew Andrew had fallen in love with another boy- so Andrew couldn't tell him. And that hurt a lot. 

Andrew tied off his thread, cutting it before tying off the newly cut thread and starting a new stitch. He was creating a fox, a beautiful red fox that Neil would've loved to see. He sewed and sewed, until his fingers hurt and he couldn't blink away the image of a fox slowly coming together. He sewed until he felt as calm as he would ever feel, with King purring softly next to him, warm and real against his thigh. This was all he could do to settle himself, one he could never do in front of his brother again.

-

Andrew walked down the boring hallways of his annoying high school. There banners for the winter dance, pictures of past dances on the banners to entice the student population to spend their parents' money to buy tickets and fancy outfits for a dance that would be boring. If Neil were there with Andrew, he'd find it ridiculous but he'd still want to go- just so he could stand in a corner and make fun of everyone with Andrew. 

"Look how stupid he looks, Drew!" Neil would've said with a smirk, trying to do anything to make Andrew laugh. Andrew would have only gone because of Neil, because he wanted to see all the ways Neil could humiliate someone and see him happy. He probably would've worn a dress, given everyone here a heart attack because how dare a boy wear a dress. 

Andrew missed Neil. He really misse- a hand reached out and grabbed his arm, nails pressing into his skin and dragging him down the horrible train of memories. Of hands holding him down at night, sick smiles on lips that told him lie after lie as he destroyed Andrew, took him apart in the worst ways possible. He was back in that horrible room, he was back to being a scared seven year old who didn't know what was happening to him just that he wanted it to stop- he was back underneath that horrible man. 

Andrew reacted on instinct, his breathing heavy and panicked as he tried so hard to get out of his hands. He turned and swung his fist blindly at him, never again to be held down like that. His fist connected to someone's face, he heard the crunching of bones and someone scream. It was high pitched and pathetic, enough to pull him out of his memories and back into reality. 

There was a girl, a cheerleader, in her cheer uniform covered in blood on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably as she held her hands to her face. Blood was pouring through her finger tips, her screams pierced through the hallway as Andrew tried to bury his panic. He was safe. He wasn't in that room anymore, he wasn't seven years old and that man wasn't on top of him. He was safe. He was alive and he was safe. 

"What the actual fuck is wrong with you!?" Aaron's voice rang out through the hallway. He raced towards the girl, his face pale at the sight of all the blood. Someone screamed for a teacher, others rushed to try and help the girl, and the rest stood there and stared. 

Andrew blinked at his brother, the pieces slowly putting themselves together. That had to be Aaron's girlfriend. Or his little fuck buddy. Either way, she was someone Aaron could possibly prioritize over Andrew. Someone who could make it so that Aaron never spoke to Andrew again and that thought, that possibility filled Andrew with dread and fear. 

She startled me. Andrew signed for Aaron, a slight shake to his hands. She grabbed me. He needed Aaron to understand- to see the fear he knew was plastered across his face. He needed Aaron to at the very least understand why he reacted, why he couldn't stop himself- to think that maybe Andrew had slipped between time and space and ended up somewhere completely different for that moment. 

But Aaron just glared harder at Andrew, all anger without a single trace of the understanding Andrew desperately needed in that moment. "She just touched you!" Aaron yelled, not understanding anything. "That doesn't mean you punch her in the fucking face, you fucking psycho!" 

Andrew held back his flinch, hearing the warning bells in his head as his body shut down. He could feel the walls he worked hard on keeping at a safe level building up as he pushed down all of his emotions. Maybe Aaron saw that, maybe the way his eyes widened meant he saw what two sentences did but Andrew didn't care. 

With steady hands Andrew signed: Don't touch me.

-

Spinning around constantly in his chair, round and round and round, until he wanted to throw up wasn't the best way to deal with things but it was what Andrew had at his disposal. His mom knew something was up, she wanted to talk about it but all Andrew could do was stare at the wall, petting King as time slipped by him. He knew he was worrying her, but he wasn't sure he deserved her worry anymore. How could he even pretend that he was a good son when all he did was make his mom worry about him day in and day out. He didn't deserve her worry anymore, did he? 

"I don't exactly know why you expect Aaron's pity if he doesn't know jackshit about you." Renee said, managing not to sound like a total bitch. She genuinely seemed to be curious. It was very big sister like. 

Andrew stopped his spinning, grasping the desk to hold onto so he didn't puke or fall out of his chair. He took a steady breath, regaining his balance. 

We share a face. Andrew typed into the chat. He should have seen the fear on my face. I've always seen his.  

Renee frowned, her sarcasm and slight annoyance disappearing from her face as she read what Andrew typed. She fingered her cross pendant as she thought, her eyes warmer than they had been when they first met. It seemed like everyone was growing except Andrew. It was like Andrew was still stuck in time when he had Neil. He felt like he was the only one falling behind everyone else. "Look, I don't know everything about your past," Renee said, looking far more gentle than ever before. "But Aaron isn't a mind reader and he isn't like us. You need to give him a bone." 

Andrew didn't say how scary that was. He didn't say that he was afraid of Aaron taking more than Andrew was willing to give; or that he was afraid of Aaron distancing himself because of what he learns. He didn't say that he was afraid of getting too close to his brother and having the universe take him away too. Andrew wouldn't be able to handle it if he lost Aaron too. He already lost Neil, he couldn't lose his twin brother. 

"Of course it's a scary thing." Renee said when Andrew didn't answer her. "It’s always going to be scary but you can't live your life in fear. Just do it, I know you can." 

Andrew looked at Renee, trying to read every line on her face. She was being sincere. She really believed what she was saying. The small lines on her forehead that always gave away her annoyance were missing, the slight down turn of her lips meant she wasn't acting. She wasn't putting on a fake smile meant to trick everyone- including herself- into thinking she was a good person. She was being truthful. 

Andrew nodded slowly. She was right- he knew she was right because he knew he was clinging to the ghost of a dead boy. A dead boy who would've pushed him to talk to his brother and supported him unconditionally through it. 

Renee smiled, something small and genuine that was only meant for them- for family- and nodded. "I think it'd be best to go now." She said. "While you have the courage to do so." 

Andrew nodded again, standing up from his chair. She was right, he would lose the momentum if he didn’t do it now. He waved his sister goodbye and exited the call knowing they would talk later. He didn't waste any time making his way to the living room where Aaron was working on his homework that wasn't due for another week. 

Andrew took a deep breath, closing his eyes and briefly imagining Renee next to him giving him a reassuring thumbs up. (In the distance he swore he could make out in his imaginary scenario Neil, standing with his hands behind his back looking at him with a loving smile and warm, warm blue eyes encouraging Andrew through everything he could ever choose to do). When he opened his eyes, Aaron was still sitting on the floor in front of the coffee table- it was just the two of them. Andrew walked over to him, snatching the paper away from him when he was close enough. 

"What the fuck-" Aaron started. 

Andrew put the paper on the TV stand, grabbing the remote while he was there. He didn't give Aaron a chance to say anything- he just hauled Aaron off the floor and onto the couch. 

Aaron had the most dumbfounded look on his face as Andrew turned the TV on, as he sat down right next to Aaron, with just a sliver of space between them. He searched Disney until he found Aladdin, his favorite movie from when he was a kid. 

"Andrew what the hell?" Aaron asked, surprise covering up any anger that might have been in his voice. 

Andrew pressed play and tossed the remote onto the couch next to him. Without turning to face Aaron he signed: This my favorite childhood movie.  

Aaron's mouth gaped open, making their face look incredibly stupid. He closed it and opened it a few times, nothing coming out for ages. "Okay." He finally managed to say, a tentative peace falling over them. "Okay." 

Andrew crossed his arms over his chest, eyes firmly glued onto the TV in front of them as the opening song rang through the living room. 

"Mine was Cinderella." Aaron said quietly. 

Andrew glanced at Aaron briefly before gluing them back to the TV. I like it too. He signed. 

Out of the corner of his eye he could see Aaron smile, the smallest sign that this could work out. It seemed that Renee was right, hopefully she would continue to be right about this.

-

The library was quiet, near empty with just the librarian and the twins sitting in the deepest part of the library away from anyone who could potentially show up in the library. It was the only way Andrew would ever go into it. And he was only there because of Aaron anyways, because he was working on his project while Andrew read a book that had a large section about foxes. The self torture was strong it seemed. 

"Do you like foxes?" Aaron asked, looking over Andrew's shoulder at the page Andrew had been reading over and over again. 

No. Andrew signed. He didn't explain further. Aaron didn't ask further, even if he wanted too. Andrew went back to reading- or more accurately, he went back to staring at the fox photo on the page. He had sewn so many foxes in the last few years, all of them for a dead boy who would never see them. He could so easily picture Neil, grinning brightly as he held a fox in his arms. He could picture the way those icy blue eyes would sparkle in Andrew's direction, silently saying "see? I told you they were the cutest." Fuck, Andrew missed Neil. 

"Are you going to prom?" Aaron asked. He was stuffing his papers into his backpack while pulled out one of the flyers for prom out. 

No. Andrew signed. 

Aaron paused, flyer gripped in his hands, a frown on his face. "What?" He asked. "Why not?" 

Because I'm gay. 

Because I hate people. 

Because I refuse to watch you pick some stupid girl over me.  

Andrew sighed and closed his book, the fox on the cover staring up at him somehow looking too much like Neil right before he made someone regret their life choices because it led to him. Because it stupid. He signed. 

Aaron's frown deepened. "Maybe but don't you think it's something we should still do?" 

Andrew barely held back a sigh. Aaron was doing all of this for a girl, wasn't he? And maybe, just maybe, if Neil were sitting right next to him with his sharp smile and an insult on the tip of his tongue, Andrew would entertain this. He would join his brother in making stupid decisions for the people they liked- but Neil wasn't there. He was dead. And Andrew didn't like Neil- he loved Neil and he knew he'd never love anyone else. So all of this was so pointless. No. He signed. Because it was all pointless. 

"Is it because you don't have a girlfriend?" Aaron asked. 

Something inside of Andrew twisted painfully and stabbed at his insides, discomfort and an ick traveling down his spine. He ignored it. No. Dating stupid.

"You're only saying that because you've never managed to get a date." Aaron said like he was right- which he wasn't. Andrew could've had something with Jeremy back in California; he could have something with any of the boys in their stupid school that were in the closet because of the fear they held; he had something with the love of his life before someone took him away. But he didn't need or have any want to explain that to Aaron. 

Whatever helps you sleep night. Andrew signed. Still stupid.  

Aaron didn't look impressed, still clutching the flyer in his hands. "Look, I'm sure I can find you a date for prom then we can go together and-" 

Andrew stood up, cutting Aaron off. He might never tell Aaron he was gay. He might not be brave enough to risk that, to risk their relationship and tainting his memories of Neil- but he wouldn't pretend to be something he wasn't. He wouldn't date a girl, he wouldn't go on a date with a girl- he wouldn't do any of that no matter what. No. He signed to Aaron. Don’t bring up again.

-

Bee took so many photos of Aaron before he left to go pick up his date, so many pictures that would no doubt end up in an album and in Nicky's inbox. Aaron was dressed in a nice tux, a purple tie to match his date's dress, holding onto a plastic container holding his date's corsage, a slightly uncomfortable and disappointed smile on his face as he let Bee fuss over him. Andrew and King hung out on the stairs, watching it all go down together. King meowed in slight judgment- she thought Aaron looked ridiculous and Andrew couldn't help but agree- and Andrew simply petted her. 

"Okay, I'm done I promise." Bee said with a big smile. "I’ll stop embarrassing you. But make sure Ashley's mom sends me photos of the two of you!" 

"Okay Bee." Aaron agreed. He snagged a finger into his collar, tugging on it a bit. 

Andrew sighed and got up once Bee went to grab something from her room. He went down the stairs and up to Aaron, smacking his hand away from his collar. He undid Aaron's tie before redoing it. It wasn't the first time he had done this- there was one time Neil had to go to some fancy dinner when they were nine and had to wear a suit and tie. He looked ridiculous- his cheeks puffed out in protest, tie tangled up around his neck without any regard to his own safety, and complaining every two seconds that he would rather stay with Andrew and Bee for the night. Of course his bitch of a mother didn't allow it, but she did let Andrew come round before they left. She couldn't catch Neil whenever he ran from her so she couldn't fix his tie. But Neil always let Andrew catch him, even when they both knew Neil could outrun anyone. So Andrew fixed his tie, made it as perfect as a nine year old could. Now, seven years later, those skills were coming in hand for him again. Because now Aaron looked more presentable than before and he didn't feel like he was suffocating. 

"How can you tie a tie and not Bee?" Aaron asked, his fingers brushing against the newly tied tie around his neck. "Has she never tied a boyfriend's tie before?" 

Andrew's brother was a fucking idiot. Go away. He signed. 

Aaron bit the inside of his cheek, staring intently at Andrew. "Are you seriously not coming with me?" He asked. 

Andrew nodded. He wasn't going. He didn't want to go. He didn't want to stand around with a bunch of other teenagers as he tried not to fall apart and disappear into his memories. It all meant nothing without Neil there. And Neil would never be there because he was long gone. So no, he wouldn't be going with Aaron and watch him be fascinated by some girl while Andrew stayed back all alone. 

Aaron opened his mouth to say something but Bee came back down stairs, holding a pamphlet and a bundle of condoms. Ha. Fucking straight loser. Bee pressed both into Aaron's hands, ignoring how bright red he was. 

"I know it's embarrassing and you don't want me to tell you about this," she said, her eyes closed. "But if you do it you'll use these. No exceptions young man." 

"Yeah okay I got it can we end this now?" Aaron asked, his voice high pitched and his entire face red. He was making them look very ugly. But it wasn't like there was anyone worth trying to impress around anyways. 

"Of course, off you go!" Bee chuckled. "But make sure Ashley's parents drive you both home and be back by twelve, no later!" 

Aaron waved Bee off, glancing at Andrew one more time almost pleading for him to change his mind. Andrew just went to go get King. He suspected that maybe the stupid girl had a friend who needed or wanted a date and that was why Aaron was so desperate but he didn't really care. He would no doubt suffer through the night anyways, being dragged into memories and delusions of Neil, and he really didn't need that on his shoulders while awake. He dealt with that enough in his dreams. 

Andrew went into the living room, settling down into the couch with his cat as he listened to Bee badgering Aaron with rules as he left. One of his friends' parents were driving them around or something Andrew didn't really care to know. He waited for Bee to come back, looking slightly worried but overall happy. 

She smiled warmly at Andrew. "Well, as long as you don't think it's cringe to hang out with your mom- would you like to watch some movies? Maybe order out? You can get plenty of sugary sweets." 

Andrew looked up at his mom, his mom who was always so understanding of him when she really didn't have too. She was offering a peace branch, a distraction from everything that swirled around in his mind because she knew it wouldn't be a good night for so many different reasons. 

Yes. Andrew signed. Everything else he wanted to say died on his hands. He couldn't say how thankful he was for everything she did but from the way she smiled at him he was pretty sure she knew anyways. She always did.

Chapter Text

Hot tears streamed down his face as he desperately gasped for air, his hands clutching at his chest, desperately trying to keep it from bursting. Because it was going to burst. He knew it was going to burst. It hurt so much- this had to mean it was going to burst. He choked on a sob that tried to fight its way out of his throat, pitiful sounds coming out of him. 

King was scratching at the door but Andrew couldn't move, he couldn't see past the tears in his eyes that never seemed to end. He couldn't hear much over the pounding of his heart, the one that felt like it was tearing apart in his chest. He hated this. He hated this so much. Why did it have to hurt so badly? Why did Neil's memory have to hurt so fucking badly after all this time? It had been seven years since he went missing, since he was gone- they spent more of their life apart than together but a single dream of Neil was enough to send him spiraling. 

"Andrew?" Someone called out but Andrew couldn't figure out who was saying it. 

His free hand, the one that wasn't trying so hard to clutch his heart and keep it together, clawed at his throat. He couldn't breathe through the tears. He wanted Neil. Neil would know what to do, he'd know just the right words to pull Andrew out of his dreams and back to him. He wanted Neil back. A sob ripped through his throat, his chest aching and his cheeks soaked. 

"Andrew!" The panicked voice next to him yelled. But it wasn't Neil. It wasn't Neil's voice- would he even know Neil's voice anymore? "Andrew what's wrong? What's going on!?" 

Andrew clawed at his throat, feeling something warm slipping down his fingers but he still couldn't breathe. His ceiling above him was blurry and he couldn't make out a single star- it was all clumped together and he couldn't stand it. 

"Bee!" The voice yelled, getting fainter and fainter. 

Andrew somehow ended up on the floor, a single hand keeping him from the floor, the other still clutching at his chest. His heart was going to burst. It was going to burst otherwise why would it be so painful? And when it did burst he wondered if he'd finally see Neil again- not the imagines he created in his head, not the Neil in his dreams that were dead under his finger tips- the real Neil. The one long gone from this world. Something heavy crashed down onto Andrew, startling him into being able to fucking breathe again. 

"Andrew, honey, take a deep, slow breath." Bee's gentle voice washed over him. 

Andrew tried, he really did, he really tried but he couldn't do anything right. He couldn't do anything right- he couldn't protect Neil, he couldn't be a good brother or a good son, and he couldn't even breathe properly. Why did he even exist? 

Bee led him through breathing exercise after breathing exercise, determined to bring Andrew back from his panic. He did everything she told him to do, not knowing how else to make the pain stop. 

Even when he finally managed to get the pain in his chest to stop and get his breathing under control he still felt the achingly familiar emptiness that had haunted him for years now. He could feel the empty space that Neil was meant to occupy just as easily as he could feel the carpet digging into his skin. He wanted it to go away, so badly he wanted it to go away- but he also didn't. What if when it did go away it meant that the last remaining traces of Neil would away too? If Andrew gave up on him too then Neil would have no one left who cared for him and Andrew couldn't do that to him. Even if he was dead. It didn't mean he didn't wish the pain would lessen, even just a little bit.

-

"Andrew what was that?" 

Nothing.

"That wasn't nothing- you- just talk to me." 

Don't worry about it.

"Even if you tell me that I'm going to worry about you! What the hell was that about?" 

Nothing you need to know.

"Andrew talk to me." 

I’m fine. Don't worry.

"Why can't you just let me in?" 

I do.  

"No you don't. You never have." 

I try.  

"It doesn't seem like you do." 

I do. I do.

-

Andrew watched the ticking hands of the clock instead of watching his therapist. She was new. His fourth. Bee had put him in therapy two years ago, back when he asked her if he was losing his mind. She put him in it once for a brief period of time after Neil first went missing. But Andrew faked his way through it- he hadn't liked his grief consular back then but was too afraid of losing Bee so he just told her what she wanted to hear. But after that incident, after rushing into Bee's room asking if he was going crazy, Bee didn't want to chance it. But it didn't mean Andrew talked or signed in these sessions. 

All the therapist would do was tell him to let Neil go and he couldn't do that. The world turned its back on Neil, but Andrew would always be there for him, even if he was dead. Or maybe, she'd tell him to 'forgive' his rapist like his third therapist had tried to do. 

"Still have nothing to say to me?" The therapist asked. She tried to keep her annoyance from her voice but Andrew heard it anyways. She sighed when she received silence and closed her empty notebook. "We'll never make progress if you don't tell me anything." 

Andrew sunk deeper into his seat, watching time slip by. It was going too slowly. He simply wanted to go home and pretend that everything was alright. Cuddle his cat on the couch as they watched some trash TV. Maybe flick something at his brother who kept looking at him like he was worried he'd crumble at any second. He would be fine on his own. He didn't need this therapist when he had Bee.

-

"And then I said that it was totally impossible for neon green to go with any other color that wasn't neon and wouldn't you know! It didn't go well with Trish's puke yellow shirt!" Nicky rambled through the computer screen. They talked like this every Sunday, for at least thirty minutes, sometimes an hour. Aaron always left after ten minutes, or after Nicky mentioned Erik since he seemed determined to make sure Andrew never trusted him with himself at every turn. He wanted Andrew to open up to him but he kept giving Andrew reasons to hold him at arms lengths. Andrew could love him and be afraid of him at the same time. 

Puke yellow? Andrew typed into the chat box. 

Nicky read it then nodded passionately. "Oh Andrew you should have seen it!" He said with a disgusted expression. "It was horrible! And that's coming from me! I mean, my walls look like a gay unicorn threw up on them and that shirt was still a horrible shade of yellow that not even god could save." 

Gay Unicorn is repetitive all unicorns are gay. You didn't need to point it out. Its redundant. Andrew wrote, just to be a little shit. Renee constantly told him that he was one whenever he sent her memes either embroidered or otherwise. She especially did it when he sneakily dropped the embroidered memes to her dorm with weird chocolate bars while she was on her period. It was very entertaining and he might enjoy her follow up photos of her slowly growing wall art of his embroidery. 

Nicky huffed in that dramatic way of his. "No need to try and make me think!" He announced loudly, as if Andrew ever thought that his cousin ever had a single thought in his head or that his words ever went through any kind of filter. 

I'm just pointing out a fact. Andrew typed into the chat. 

"Well I do know that!" Nicky said. "I'm well aware unicorns are gay- did you know that Ireland's official animal is the unicorn? How awesome is that?" 

For the next few minutes Nicky went on a tangent about Ireland and unicorns and Andrew simply listened, sketching out his next stupid picture for Renee on the table next to the computer. Aaron wouldn't come out of his room until Nicky ended the call, so he didn't have to worry about him coming down and seeing it. This time Andrew was- probably inspired by the conversation- sketching out a unicorn farting a rainbow with the worlds "TASTE THE RAINBOW FART THE RAINBOW" above and below the unicorn. That should at least get a pleasantly annoyed sigh from Renee and her roommate- that Andrew was sure Renee was crushing on- would absolutely hate it. 

"Okay now what was I saying before this?" Nicky asked as his rant came to an end. 

Puke yellow is a horrible color that shouldn't exist. Andrew typed out. 

"Ah! You're right!" Nicky grinned too brightly, full of too much love and affection for a kid he had only known for a few years. "To end my original story I forced Trish to change before we left and thank God for me. She would've been the laughing stock at her own cousin's wedding and honey I do not have the energy to entertain another family drama." 

Didn't her gay brother say anything? Andrew asked. Trish was Erik's sister and Nicky's future sister-in-law, so it would stand to reason that the more sensible person would have said something. Isn't that the point of having a gay brother?

Nicky sighed heavily. "Is it." He agreed solemnly. "But my dear, loving Erik boo-" 

Ew.  

"-dresses like a straight man. I'm carrying all the fashion in this partnership." 

I felt that too much. Andrew grimaced. Neil's fashion style was...unique to say the least. When his mother dressed him he was fine, adorable actually. But the moment he started dressing himself he was chaos. He had no sense of color matching and the only good clothes he tended to like were dresses and skirts. With those he could pick out something beautiful but literally anything else and he looked like shit. Andrew still adored him. 

"It must be hard being the gay twin." Nicky sighed. "Aaron, love him to pieces, is too basic." It was only natural that Nicky thought Andrew was talking about Aaron- he didn't know about Neil after all- but it still made his chest tighten uncomfortably. 

Basic ass white boy. Andrew typed into the chat. 

Nicky gasped happily, almost with a hint of evil that he was not capable of. "Yes!" He squealed. "You’re so right Andrew, so right!" 

Andrew almost smiled. It was nice, being able to talk to his cousin like this, to just relish in the stupidity that was gay culture with someone who understood. Sure, his sister and mom were lesbians but Renee was trying hard to be a good person and she was far too hard on herself. She didn't let herself have fun like this, feeling like she had too many sins to be happy like this. And Bee was his mom. No way he was talking like this with her. But with Nicky? Yeah, he could like this with Nicky and it was really, really nice.

-

Aaron was talking about girls. That's all he ever talked about other than college. But since they both got accepted into Palmetto where Bee worked and Renee studied, he had been solely focusing on girls. His girlfriend Hannah had dumped him after she had gotten Valentine’s day gifts out of him and so now, since he was a 'free man', Aaron was talking about girls. All. The. Time. Andrew was in straight boy hell. He thought about nipping this serial dater/playboy personality in the bud for his brother- as someone who had spent twelve years of his life in love with the same boy he really couldn't understand the fleeting love Aaron had for girls. It made him nervous too- if Aaron could fall in love and fall out of love so quickly with girls could he do the same with Andrew? Could he just decide that he didn't care or love Andrew anymore one day and leave? But, Andrew also didn't want to expose himself like that to Aaron. He had kissed plenty of guys but only one of them held his heart and no one needed to know that. 

"So I'm thinking if I play my cards right then I might have a chance with Jessica." Aaron was saying as they walked down the hallway of the near empty school. Bee was in a meeting with the principle- to be exact she was arguing with the principle over why Andrew shouldn't be punished for standing up for human rights. 

Andrew had gotten into trouble with his English teacher over the teacher's homophobic and transphobic remarks. Andrew owed his life to a transwoman- if she hadn't given him that piece of bread that day he would probably have died from starvation. She helped him and Neil with just a few kind words and Andrew would always be thankful for her. He owed so much to his mom who was a lesbian, who fought for her and his rights as gay people and took him in when no one else wanted him. He had a sister who was gay, who was trying so hard to be a good person after a life time of violence and she had been saved by her own lesbian mom. (It was Andrew’s correct opinion that lesbians were the savior of the world). He had his cousin Nicky, a gay man who survived a fucking conversion camp that almost killed him who was now living a happy queer life and showing people like Andrew that they could do it too. They could have a normal happy life too. He had, once upon a time, Neil- the absolute love of his life who made Andrew feel loved for the first time ever. 

He had all these people in his life who loved and cared for him and that asshole of a teacher who had been divorced twice because he cheated on his wives saying how people like Andrew, like the people who helped him, were devils and immoral absolutely set him off. Andrew couldn't let it stand and immediately called him out on it, using logic and taking from Neil's infamous rants to back him into a corner. He had slapped Andrew for talking back and now Bee was raising hell and bringing down the weight of all her connections down onto the principle. All the while Aaron talked about all the girls he liked. Andrew wanted to go home. 

"So what do you think?" Aaron asked, looking hopefully at Andrew after a long and complex rant about how he was going to get his next date. 

No. Andrew signed. Renee would skin them both alive if Aaron did anything of what he just said. Ask Renee.  

Aaron's lips twitched downward, as it usually did when their step sister was mentioned. Not that he knew that. His head was so far up his ass that he still thought Bee and Stephanie were just best friends doing best friend things. "Why?" He asked. 

Renee girl. Andrew signed for his idiot brother. She would make sure that Aaron didn't end up getting slapped in the face. Or put on some kind of list by all the girls in the school.

"No I mean-" Aaron huffed in frustration, running a hand through his hair. "Why do you always mention Renee?" 

Andrew pitied his brother. Of course he was going to mention his sister- she was badass. She had killed a man- the man who hurt her in a way Andrew was all too familiar with. He wished he could have killed the man who hurt him- Neil wanted to light him on fire alive and watch him burn to death. (The older Andrew got the more he realized that Neil's fascination with fire was a tad bit disturbing, he probably would've become an arsonist if he had had the chance to grow up.) You stupid. He signed to his brother. 

Aaron's eyes widened and Andrew instantly knew he was going to regret what was about to come out of his idiot brother's mouth. "Oh- I get it." He said. "You like Renee, that's why you don't want me setting you up with anyone." Andrew wanted to slap his brother. His stupid, stupid brother. He was so fucking stupid how the hell were they even related? 

"You’re so fucking stupid." Andrew told him, his face twisting with disgust that he couldn't hold back. Andrew was gay. He was a gay man in love with a ghost and fuck Aaron for thinking any different- even if he never said anything. It was downright insulting. 

Aaron gaped at him, mouth open as he stared at Andrew in shock. 

"If you spout bullshit like that again, I will deck you." Andrew added, his voice hoarse from barely using it. It sounded like Aaron's voice, but rougher. He wasn't sure if he talked more if it would get better or if it was stuck like that. He didn't care. 

"You’re speaking." Aaron said, dumbfounded. "You’re actually speaking-" 

Andrew grabbed Aaron's chin and forcibly shut him up. He didn't want to hear whatever bullshit that would continue to pour out of Aaron's mouth. He didn't want to hear it, he really, really didn't.

-

Andrew was thankful that Aaron wasn't interested in Bee's personal life. Yes, it hurt Bee a little since Aaron was her son, but it meant that Andrew could have his mom all to himself. And it meant that Aaron's horrible tastes didn't influence their mom's final decision about rings. Because Bee was going to propose to Stephanie Walker on their next date. Andrew had warned Renee to make sure that if Stephanie was also planning to propose they had to coordinate and try to get their moms to get similar rings. 

Bee was laser focused on the small selection of rings that the jeweler had pulled out for her to look at. They were lucky that this place wasn't homophobic- a woman buying an engagement ring for another woman wasn't very welcomed in the bible belt after all. They had narrowed the choices down considerably- Andrew instantly vetoed those ridiculous rectangular shaped diamonds because they looked stupid and he vetoed the rings that Renee had sent him that Stephanie was looking at. He knew what his mom liked and what would look fucking stupid. 

They had a collection of yellow diamonds in front of them because Stephanie was getting Bee a yellow diamond and Andrew knew Bee would want them to match- it would bother her if their rings had different diamond colors. Even if Andrew wasn't a big fan of yellow diamond he knew Bee really liked it. Andrew himself preferred moissanite- it looked like diamond, but was cheaper and reflected rainbow light. It was far more beautiful in his opinion. If he could- he would've propose to Neil with a beautiful moissanite ring with a big gem in the center surrounded by maybe blue gems on the band. He hadn't perfected it yet and it wasn't like he'd ever get the chance to do so either. But he could still think about it.

Bee had a slight frown on her face, her eyes brows furrowed slightly as she examined each ring. Andrew had his own favorite out of the bunch- one on the edge with a silver band because a gold band was too much yellow and a modest oval cut yellow diamond fanned by a flower like halo with tiny white diamonds positioned on it. It was beautiful and very Bee. The rings Renee had showed him were similar in style, with a thick band and white diamonds in a halo around the yellow diamond. Both her and Andrew agreed the rings with a thicker band looked better because otherwise the diamonds looked ridiculously big on the band and would look ridiculously flimsy. Which, if they were going to spend thousands of dollars on a ring it shouldn't look cheap or flimsy. 

"Do you need any help?" The jeweler asked nervously. Fair enough, Bee had been staring intently at the rings for a good forty five minutes. 

Bee blinked and looked up at the lady. She gave her a smile and shook her head. "Oh no, I'm fine. I just never thought this would be so difficult." 

The jeweler nodded, eager to make a sale. "I can show you some more if you'd like!" 

Andrew knew she was going to bring out all the expensive ones to try and get Bee to spend way too much money. So he stepped in before that happened. He tugged on Bee's sleeve and waited for his mom to look at him- he was still annoyed that so far his mom was still taller than him- and pointed to the ring he liked. That. He signed. Beautiful.  

Bee smiled and took a closer look at the ring Andrew pointed out. Andrew shooed the jeweler away while she was busy- Bee was too nice for her own good so Andrew had to be the mean one. From what Andrew understood, Stephanie made sure to stick up for Bee in Andrew's absence. Which put her in Andrew's good books. 

"It is nice." Bee agreed. She picked up the ring and twirled it around three times to look at the gem closely. "But are you sure I should go with yellow diamond?" 

Andrew nodded. The photos on his phone from Renee were proof. Stephanie knew Bee would love a yellow diamond so Bee had to get Stephanie a yellow diamond too. It only made sense. Looks nice. He half lied. He knew it would look great on his mom, but he wasn't too fond of it for anyone else. 

Bee pursed her lips but Andrew could see how much she liked the ring. Andrew was fucking amazing at this. He pulled out his phone and took a picture of the ring to send to Renee. 

"Adding that to the collection?" Bee asked with a laugh. She thought Andrew took a picture of every ring she liked to save to a folder for them to review later and Andrew let her believe that. He was really sending them to Renee but she didn't have to know that. 

Andrew quickly sent the photo to Renee, getting a response back immediately:

Make her get that one I'll get mom to pick out something similar

Andrew sent back a thumbs up and put his phone away. He turned back to his mom, watching her stare at the ring with a look on her face that said she wanted to get it. But she would need a push. And that was Andrew's job. Mom Andrew signed. This one.  

Bee sighed, gently putting the ring back down into the display. "It is really pretty." She agreed. "But I should look at more before I decide." 

Andrew gave a tired sigh. They had looked at dozens of rings over the past couple of weeks, both in person and online. They didn't need to look at anymore. Mom get it. He pushed. She was going to get it and then they would start working on the proposal. You like it. Get it. Or else.

Bee chuckled at Andrew's very real threat and shook her head. But, in the end she ended up buying that ring finally putting an end to the search for the perfect ring. Now they just had to find the perfect place for the proposal to happen which meant spending even more time together. Andrew was enjoying this more than he thought he would. 

-

Andrew, Aaron, and Renee watched from a table seated outside of the restaurant they chose to watch the proposal. The ocean breeze was nice in cooling Andrew off but deeply annoying in all other aspects. But they had to be outside, because Bee and Stephanie were walking along the beach, hand in hand both carrying ring boxes in their pockets. Bee and Stephanie both decided to bring the three soon to be step siblings with them for a nice family night out for dinner then let the kids explore the boardwalk while they did their proposals- even if neither of them were aware that the other was planning to propose. 

So instead of doing that, Andrew and Renee dragged Aaron to a restaurant they had scooped out earlier with the best seating and watched. Renee even brought over binoculars with her for them. 

Aaron was ignoring them however, too engrossed in his phone to pay any kind of attention to what was happening. And Andrew wasn't going to help him. The waiter had learned not to come by too often, and just let them be. Everything was going to plan. Andrew could even see them from their spot, but the binoculars were needed to see what was going on. Soon his mom would have a partner who didn’t try to force her to live a certain way and loved her unconditionally- and he and Renee would finally be officially siblings.

"I bet you five dollars that my mom will do it first." Renee said gently. Her roommate had gotten her hooked on making stupid bets about everything. Their whole friend group apparently bet on everything. And now she was trying to scam her own brother, the betrayal. 

Five for B-E-E. Andrew signed. 

Renee chuckled and it didn't sound condescending like it would have a year ago. It seemed she really was getting better at this whole being a better person thing. "Well, let's see." She picked up the binoculars as did Andrew. 

Now they could see their moms more closely. They were talking, coming to a stop on the beach just shy of where the water was coming up. Such a romantic cliche but it was exactly what his mom would want from a proposal. 

"What are you two doing?" Aaron asked but Andrew ignored him because Bee just took both of Stephanie's hands into her own which obviously meant she was going to propose first. That would mean that Andrew would win the bet. Fuck yeah.

"Watching our moms propose to each other." Renee gently informed him. 

Aaron scoffed, and Andrew didn't need to look at him to picture the scowl on his face. "You don't need to lie." He muttered. Andrew felt sorry for his brother, it must be tough to be so stupid. 

Andrew nearly stood out of his chair as Bee got onto one knee, pulling out the ring box from her pocket. He couldn’t make out too much even with the binoculars but he knew his mom was proposing and he fucking won. 

"Fuck," Renee whispered under her breath, showing a bit of the fiery personality that Andrew knew she was still capable of. "I guess you win, Andrew." 

Yes. Andrew signed. 

Stephanie nodded her head rapidly and the moment Bee slipped the ring onto her finger, she got on her knees and pulled out her own ring box. Andrew and Renee shared a high five over the table. They were fucking awesome.

-

Andrew stared up at the moon, bright and full. It was perfect for a newly engaged couple to look at but it was mocking to someone who didn't have anyone by their side. Andrew knew he should go back inside, that Aaron or Renee might lock him out of their hotel room but he didn't want to. Bee and Stephanie were celebrating their engagement in the most Bee and Stephanie way possible- playing board games with the TV playing The Golden Girls reruns. They were all staying at a fancy hotel and this was what they chose to do. Figures. 

But Andrew just needed a moment away from the happy celebration, before the memories dragged him down and ruined his mom's perfect, once in a life time night. He didn't want to ruin this for her but memories of Neil kept popping up- of all of the stupid things he would've done for him and the crushing feeling of sorrow struck him when he realized he would never be able to do so. So he needed a moment to curse out the moon. 

It was cold. 

Andrew wondered if this was how Neil felt in his final moments- the coldness that seeped into his bones under a peaceful sky that didn't reflect the storm in his mind. Andrew just hoped that Neil's death wasn't painful; quick, painless, and as peaceful as possible was what he hoped for Neil's death. He deserved that, at the very least from the universe.

The door to the balcony opened and Renee stepped outside, holding out a sweater for him to take. "It’s a beautiful night, isn't it?" She said, coming to stand at the railing with him. 

Andrew pulled the sweater over his head and returned to his position leaning against the railing. The swooping of his gut at the height keeping him grounded against the memories he held of a dead man. "When I was a child I dreamed of escaping to space." Andrew muttered quietly. He was thankful that the surprise on Renee's face only lasted a split second before she smoothed it out. He hadn't ever said a word to her before, so he could understand the surprise. But he didn’t want it to be a spectacle.  

"I see," she said with a gentle smile. "I think most kids dream of going to outer space." 

Andrew shook his head. That wasn't why he wanted to go into space- sure, he liked space as a kid but what he wanted was to escape. He had two people and a cat who cared about him and that was the only thing he could think of to keep them all safe. To be somewhere no one else was because he knew from an early age that the world and the people in it were cruel. "I wanted to escape." He told her. "With the people I loved." 

Renee didn't push, even if she might have been curious. She could guess what made Andrew want to run away because she knew the truth of the world just as well as Andrew did. "I wanted someone to notice what was happening and stop it." She said. "But then I became calloused when everyone looked away and wrote me off as another bad kid who would never beat the odds so they didn't have to do anything." 

Andrew knew that too well. He grew up in a poor neighborhood and in foster care. No one ever expected him to ever make something of himself so no one bothered trying to help him or Neil. And look where that landed them- one dead and the other traumatized and left haunted. The world was a judgmental and cruel place.

"But both of our moms helped us." Renee continued. "At the very least we had one person who cared about us enough to help." 

"Neil didn't." Andrew said quietly, the wind almost drowning out his voice. He could hear the waves crashing against the sand and a sick part of him planted the thought that maybe Neil had drowned. Maybe Mary had driven her car with him in it into the ocean. Maybe Neil’s death had been cold and harsh and Andrew was none the wiser. 

Renee looked at Andrew, her curiosity written all over her face. She didn’t push, she didn’t demand answers about Neil and that was why Andrew was going to tell her.

Andrew swallowed around the lump in his throat. He was finally going to tell someone about Neil, maybe in some desperate attempt to keep his memory alive by someone other than him. "Neil was my best friend." He said slowly, his throat hurt. It was sore and dry but he pushed on. "And he was the only boy I'll ever love." 

Renee's eyes widened, the quiet stretched on endlessly as their moms played board games with Aaron- a peaceful scene clashing against the truths he was giving up. "'Was'." She echoed. 

Andrew nodded. Was. Neil was the only boy he'd ever love. Because Neil was gone and Andrew could never move on. Not really. He could kiss every boy on the planet and the love he had for Neil still would never fade. He didn't think he could love anyone else, certainly not to the degree that he loved Neil. "Was." He picked at the seam on his sleeve. "His mother was a paranoid abusive bitch. She was seeing her dog shit ex-husband as her hallucinations and was hurting Neil, saying it was her husband doing it whenever Neil told her to stop." 

Renee was quiet, she didn't interrupt she just listened to Andrew talk, her fingers tracing her cross pendant to steady herself. 

Andrew continued to tear the seam of his sleeve as he talked with his voice growing hoarse with each sound that came out of it. "He made me promise not to tell Bee, so I didn't. Even when her behavior got more out of control." He continued. He regretted making that promise. He should have told Bee right away. Maybe then she would've gotten him out of that situation. His fear about being separated from Neil was laughable in the face of what's happened because he didn't say anything. "One day, I guess she finally broke. She took Neil and ran. They left behind almost everything including their IDs and Neil's favorite plush." 

"How old were you?" Renee asked, her voice calm and gentle, full of understanding and compassion that Andrew feared he'd never hear from his own twin brother. 

"Ten." Andrew answered. "I was fourteen when they stopped giving a fuck. It's a cold case now but I'm sure you can guess what that really means." 

Renee nodded, pulling the knitted blanket she brought out with her tighter around her shoulders. "He's probably dead but they can't find the remains." She guessed. 

Andrew nodded, taking a shaky breath in. It had swirled around in his head for years now but hearing it out loud was much different. He knew it was true but it still hurt so badly. He missed Neil so much. 

"I'm sorry Andrew." Renee said and Andrew knew she meant it. She wasn't giving empty pleasantries, she really meant it. And somehow, that hurt even more.

Chapter Text

Andrew needed to get earplugs. Or noise canceling headphones. Something to block out his roommate Kevin's annoying ass voice. 

Kevin was an okay roommate, he kept his side of the dorm clean, he didn't bring back people to have sex and lock Andrew out of the dorm- he was the biggest nerd and loser out there so there was no way he was pulling- and he stuck to a strict schedule which meant Andrew could always predict his behavior. But he was annoying as all fuck. He had too many obsessions- health being the worst one. Andrew could handle the extensive rants about history, he could handle the sports ranting, he could even admit he kind of liked hearing Kevin complain about his friends- who were coincidentally Renee's friends too- but he drew the line at his health rants. He didn't give a single fuck about eating healthy because he was a former foster kid who was so malnourished that he was stuck at five foot fucking even. He was going to eat whatever the hell he wanted and if what he wanted to eat was two tubs of Ben and Jerry's then that was his business not fucking Kevin's. 

"I'm just saying," Kevin was saying for the thirty seventh time since the semester started four weeks ago. "If you had a better diet you'd dominate at any sport you played! Plus, you'd be lowering your chances of diabetes, cardiac arrest-" 

"I wish someone would arrest you." Andrew interrupted. Maybe he should have had roomed with Aaron. But no. If Andrew ever did bring a guy back to hook up with there would be no hiding it from Aaron. And that was still not a conversation Andrew was willing to have with his brother- especially not in the context of having a hook up. At least with Kevin he knew his schedule and when he could bring a hook up back to the dorm. Plus, when he wasn't so fucking annoying he was objectively nice to look at. It was good to have eye candy around, it was Kevin's only redeeming quality that withstood him opening his mouth. 

Kevin scowled at Andrew, effectively ruining the one thing he had going for him. "That’s not what I meant and you know it." He said. 

Andrew shrugged, putting his feet up onto the desk that the dormitory provided. He had his textbooks shoved to the side, not having needed them much since he got them- it pissed Aaron off when he realized that Andrew had the eidetic memory- and a framed photo of King on it. That was what he missed most about living at home- not having his cat with him twenty four seven. He had grown used to his cat trailing behind him at all hours of the day and sleeping was different now that he didn't have a fluff body trying suffocate him in his sleep. Maybe he should sneak her into the dorms. He should do that. 

"I should've dormed with Jean." Kevin muttered to himself when he realized Andrew wasn't going to answer. 

"Ah but then you would've never been able to focus on your precious history." Andrew reminded him. 

Kevin's scowl only got worse and made him look more ridiculous. "Stop talking about that." He demanded. 

"Don’t get drunk around me." Andrew shot back. It was Kevin's own fault for agreeing to go for drinks- with fake IDs Andrew managed to get- and proceeding to get drunk off his ass and spilliing all of his embarrassing secrets. Like his big fat crush on his best friend Jean. If Kevin didn't want Andrew to have blackmail on him then he shouldn't have gotten so drunk. 

"I agree with Aaron," Kevin said. "You’re a dick." It took everything in Andrew to not say "you are what you eat." but it was a near thing. A very near thing. 

"That’s not really my problem, now is it?" Andrew asked. He stabbed the fabric of his latest project with his needle, pulling the black thread all the way through. At first he had been hesitant to sew in front of his roommate, but after seeing Kevin sob on the floor of their dorm over how 'perfect' Jean's hair was he didn't feel the need to hide it. If Kevin was the most embarrassing person on the earth then Andrew could sew in peace (with a singular threat to not tell Aaron of course). Now, weeks later, Andrew sewed whenever he damn well pleased. 

"It is actually." Kevin argued. Because he always had to be right. Andrew pitied the classmates in his history classes. "If you're an asshole no one will want to be around you." 

"Now Kevin, projection won't get you anywhere." Andrew mused. Life slowly came together with each of his stitches, in a way that he could only ever imagine as a child as he watched his mother sew next to him. He should send his mother a picture and an update, she tended to worry a lot now that she was home alone. 

"Is it too late to get a new roommate?" Kevin asked pathetically. 

"I can ask Jean to trade with me." Andrew suggested. He greatly enjoyed the pathetic squeaking noises that came out of Kevin, like a dying dolphin. Next time he should record it and play it at one of Renee's parties. It would be very funny, and even if no one else thought so Andrew knew of a boy long gone who would've thought it was hilarious. That was more than enough for Andrew to do it.

-

Classes were boring. They were mind-numbingly boring but if Andrew wanted to pass he had to listen to the lectures. If Andrew wanted to bring the Oakland PD under intense scrutiny and force a reopening of Neil's case he had to get good grades. He knew that all the stuck up assholes in power would look down on him- a poor former foster kid from Oakland with a history of violence towards cops, who also happened to be gay and looking for a brown kid who disappeared eight years ago- so he had to be sure that he could outwit anyone. He had to know everything possible and use his memory to back them into a corner. He should also take from Neil, research his opponent ahead of time, find their greatest insecurities and use that to his advantage. So, while his classes were boring, he needed them to reach his end goal. He was going to make certain people's lives hell. Maybe, while he was at it, he could offer his services to kids who had been like him and bury their abusers with anything he could find. 

The professor’s dull voice rang throughout the classroom- he'd give the room some credit, it had great acoustics. He could hear everything clearly even from the back row- and Andrew simply listened without any need to take notes. When the class finally ended, Andrew was the first out of his seat, backpack swung over his shoulder. He sped walked his way to cafeteria where he was meant to have lunch with his brother. He found Aaron hunched over a textbook, highlighters and pens scattered around the table and a lunch tray in front of him with an apple, muffin, and a fucking salad. If Kevin got to Aaron, Andrew would have no choice but to kill him. 

Andrew grabbed his own food and sat down across from Aaron, switching out his apple for Aaron's muffin without the idiot even noticing. "Eat." Andrew ordered, shoving the tray closer. 

Aaron scowled at his book, not looking up at all. He just blindly smacked around the table looking for food while muttering out loud the sentences he was reading. 

Andrew watched and pitied him. "Maybe you should have chosen a less masochistic major." He told him. 

"Fuck off." Aaron grumbled, fingers gripping one of the apples. "Not all of us have eidetic memories, asshole." 

Andrew just shrugged and looked up at the TV that hung on the wall. Andrew suspected it was only there because the school had too much money that they didn't want to spend on things that would actually make sense. The news was playing, it was boring but it was that or people watch by his lonesome. Aaron was clearly too busy with his textbooks to insult people with him. So the news it was.

"-and as the investigation continues, the police have put out a statement to all homeowners in the Oakland area to be cautious and call police if they notice anything suspect." The reporter was saying. 

Andrew felt the discomfort in his stomach at the mention of his home town. There were too many things associated with that place- both good and bad, most of the good being tainted anyways. He was about to look away when the image changed from the reporter to the ruins of a house completely in ruins from what clearly had been a fire. Only the skeleton of the house was barely hanging on, various police officers were around the house, the familiar street was closed off by police tape and cars- and Andrew fucking knew that street. He had lived on it for a few hellish weeks. Andrew almost laughed- it seemed the universe had a twisted sense of humor, setting that house on fire over a decade after Andrew escaped it. The world truly was twisted and Andrew was in between breaking the TV and laughing like a psycho. 

"There are no suspects in this case being labeled as the work of an arsonist, however it is important for residents to be vigilant and keep themselves updated on police updates regarding this case." The reporter continued. 

Andrew snorted and took a bite of his muffin. The Oakland PD were a joke- they couldn't find one boy being dragged around by his crazy mother, they couldn't figure out that a man claiming to be a foster father was really a monster who snuck into kid's beds at night- there was no way they were finding an arsonist. Certainly not if they were anything like Neil. Neil would never get caught. 

"What’s so funny?" Aaron demanded, finally looking up from his textbook to glare at Andrew. 

Andrew just gestured to the TV. "California is on fire." He explained. 

Aaron turned to look at the TV, narrowing his eyes because the idiot couldn't see, then turned back to his book without that scowl on his face anymore. "It’s always on fire." He said. 

"But this time it was intentional." Andrew countered. 

Aaron looked up at him, an eyebrow raised. "Why do you sound so happy about it?" He asked. 

Andrew simply shrugged. It seemed he settled on laughing. Well, it was a really nice sight to see that horrid home burn to the ground. He could afford to laugh, just a bit.

-

Allison was a bitch. A tall, blonde rich bitch with a near permanent resting bitch face. Andrew had no idea what his sister saw in her. Although, his own tastes were...questionable. Neil had clearly been a disturbed child, but he was a cute disturbed child. With those big blue eyes that were always so warm for Andrew. 

Anyways, Allison was a bitch. And she was currently glaring down at Andrew in her three inch heels instead of letting him into her and Renee's dorm. It was a stare off, until she spoke. "Why are you here, midget?" She demanded. 

"The party." Andrew deadpanned. He had been invited by Renee to her fancy ass dorm that actually had a bedroom and separate living area with a mini kitchen compared to Andrew's small, one room dorm he shared with Kevin. Apparently Renee was finally done being embarrassed by Andrew and Aaron and invited them to a get together with all her friends- including Kevin who arrived earlier- and had basically forced Andrew to attend after Aaron said he was going on a date. She said he couldn't be so antisocial. She even brought Bee into it. She played fucking dirty. 

Allison huffed, arms crossed under her chest, pushing her breasts up. Ew. "And how do you know Renee?" She demanded. "You can't possibly be someone she's seeing." 

Andrew gagged. "Gross." He said only to be subjected to a fierce glare. "Why would I be interested in my sister? Especially when I'm fucking gay." 

Allison raised an eyebrow, looking Andrew up and down before deciding that he was telling the truth. "Fine." She stepped aside and let Andrew in. "But you're on thin ice." 

Andrew rolled his eyes as he stepped into the dorm. He looked around- Kevin was already drinking, figures- at the faces he had only seen through photos until he found Renee. He made a beeline for her and pressed his back against the wall she was leaning against. He wasn’t suffering through this without having someone he knew to annoy. "Your roommate is possessive." He told her. 

Renee chuckled and handed Andrew a sugary drink that looked like toxic waste. If toxic waste was pink. He loved it. He should send Nicky a picture of it, he’d love it too. "She's like that, yes." She agreed. 

"And you want that?" Andrew asked, chugging his sugary monstrosity after he snapped a photo of it to send to his cousin. At least Aaron couldn't lecture him about his sugar take, even though it was because he was on a date.

"Yes." Renee said. "At the very least I'm not attracted to arsonists." 

Andrew glared at her. Over the past couple of weeks Andrew had been telling Renee little stories about Neil, harmless things that made Neil, Neil. Like his absolute fascination with fire, how he loved fruits and foxes, the way he would tear someone apart with just his words, and make people regret being born. Just, Neil things. But that didn't mean she had to use that against him. "I only love a specific arsonist." He informed her. "I'm not going to love just any arsonist." 

Renee rolled her eyes, a tad playful but mostly annoyed. "That’s not something most people would do in the first place." She said. "Most people wouldn't fall in love with someone they know is an arsonist." 

"I'm just different." Andrew said. He was also five. He didn't even know what an arsonist was, just that he was in love with Neil. Well, he didn't know that until he was eight, but looking back- he had been whipped since the moment Neil cursed him out when they first met. 

Renee shook her head fondly and the two slipped into a peaceful silence of watching Renee's idiot friends doing dumb shit. Matt and Dan, an established couple that acted like they were in their forties, were settled on Allison and Renee's couch, booing at Kevin- he deserved it. Kevin was in a drinking battle with his crush Jean and was actually wining because he was a closeted alcoholic who couldn't stand not wining at something. Even if that thing was fueling his dependency on alcohol. Allison was passing out drinks while yelling insults at Kevin, to which Kevin flipped her off. A few people were missing from the group but Andrew would take the relative quiet while he could. 

Andrew looked at the walls and saw his own embroidery proudly hung up on the walls. It was a bit embarrassing to see his less than stellar work up there next to his more recent pieces, but they tracked his progress. Plus, Allison sneered at them every time she saw the stupid shit he had embroidered for Renee. It was nice that he could have at least one sibling who appreciated the talent his mom gave him. 

"Kick his ass!" Allison yelled at Jean, collapsing onto the couch with a glass of wine. 

"Boo Kevin!" Dan yelled, throwing popcorn at him. 

"Jean! Don't let us down!" Matt cheered, spilling beer from his cup onto his lap. "Oh no! My booze!" He whined. 

Kevin flipped everyone off and kept chugging. Jean ignored everyone. The Frenchman was a man of few words, but when he did speak it was usually to insult someone. If he was shorter Andrew might have made out with him, maybe even hooked up with him. But for now, Andrew was just going to watch these idiots be idiots while he made comments to his sister. It didn't matter that his twin had abandoned him for some girl. It was fine.

-

An over exaggerated moan filled Andrew's mouth, ruining the experience more than before it was let out. He still kissed Roland into the wall, feeling safe enough to jerk him off with his hands cuffed behind his back. He was rough, with his kiss and his hand, working Roland up with a tight grip and fast jerks up and down his cock. 

Roland gasped loudly, exaggerated like hell- because that was totally sexy- as Andrew pressed his thumb against the head of his cock, throwing his head back against the wall. Great. Now his moans would be even louder. 

Andrew just worked his hand quickly, wanting this to be over so he could end this little hook up quickly. He only agreed to this because Roland was hot enough, clearly interested in him, and it would provide some fucking relief but it was becoming more trouble than it was worth. Roland couldn't follow the rules Andrew set up, always trying to touch him without even asking, and he always tried to make this more than it was. 

All that ever did was make Andrew think of how Neil would have never done that. If he was still alive, he would have never touched Andrew without permission, he would have asked for every little thing because that bastard was so fucking considerate. He would have accepted anything Andrew gave him, and he certainly wouldn't have made such exaggerated noises and even if he did they would have been as natural as breathing for the little shit. His kisses wouldn't taste like cheap vodka, his lips would be soft against Andrew’s own and his every breath wouldn't annoy the shit out of him. Andrew would have treasured every breath Neil made, heavy or light, because it meant he was alive and reacting to his touch. Neil's neck would be perfectly blank and waiting for Andrew to mark it up, and Andrew wouldn't hesitate or refuse for anything like he was now. Neil would be warm beneath his touch and oh so sensitive. His breathing would hitch as Andrew twisted his hand, as he worked him up and up and up until- 

Roland let out a loud, unnatural moan as he came, shattering the fantasy he had been having. Which was just another point in ending this whole thing soon. Roland's voice was too deep, too annoying to stand for more than thirty minutes and lately he had been trying to get Andrew to stay longer than what they agreed upon. Annoying. So fucking annoying.

Andrew pulled his hand away, wiping it clean on Roland's band tee that was for aesthetic purposes only. He would have to wash his hand before he touched anything. 

Roland looked blissed out, panting too loud and fighting against the handcuffs that Andrew was tempted to leave on. He looked at Andrew in what Andrew guessed was supposed to be a seductive way but all Andrew could think was that his teeth and chin were too pointy. He thrust his chin at Andrew’s groin, biting his lips with his too pointy teeth. He really should see a dentist about them. "Want some help?" He asked. 

Andrew resisted the urge to ask 'with what?'. He wasn't hard anymore, his libido taking a hit with all of that annoying moaning. Instead he grabbed Roland's shirt, ignoring the hopeful look he had, and pulled his off of the wall. He didn't care that Roland tripped over his pants that were pushed down to his knees, instead unlocking the handcuffs and letting them fall to the floor. He dropped the key and let go of Roland's shirt with a simple push. 

Roland fell on his ass, and Andrew didn’t give a fuck. He was done with this. He just wanted to go to sleep after a nice hot shower and hope his dreams didn’t turn into nightmares again. "Seriously?" Roland asked as he tried to gather himself. "You’re just going to leave?" 

Andrew rolled his eyes. This was nothing, it wasn't anything more than a mutual benefit between them. Roland wasn't even the only guy Andrew occasionally hooked up with, but he was definitely the most annoying. "What’s wrong? I got you off, didn't I?" He kind of wished he could lit up a cigarette right in that moment, it would make him look pretty cool. But he would actually be murdered if he did that, so instead he simply grabbed his phone with his clean hand and checked his messages. He had none. Great. 

"I mean yeah," Roland said. "But I can-" 

"No." Andrew sternly said. He wasn’t fucking interested in anyone touching him. The idea of a man, especially a man who had trouble listening to his rules, touching him made his skin crawl. The memories of that night in the house that was now nothing more than ash still haunted him. It would probably haunt him forever. He wasn't going to let anyone touch him like that, especially an annoying man who knew nothing about him. 

He didn't wait for Roland's response, knowing it would be stupid anyways, and simply left Roland's dorm. He let the door slam shut to make a point and went on a nice walk to the nearest but cleanest bathroom to wash his hands. He wanted to wash away the memory of this encounter, of his fantasies he had while being with another man. But he couldn't, not with his memory. The best he could do was the wash away the evidence of it and hope that his brain wouldn’t be a fucking asshole to him later. It probably would, but a man could fucking hope.

-

Andrew was cranky. He knew he was cranky. He couldn't sleep. He had made the mistake of staying up too late and had been subjected to Kevin's snoring- there had to be something wrong with that man, no one’s snores should be that loud- then when he managed to close his eyes all he saw was Neil. At the very least, this time he didn't see Neil's corpse laid at his feet with those damn crows circling him. But he thought that maybe seeing Neil alive and well in a way he knew he wasn't, just within Andrew's grasp, hurt even more. He seemed so real, so alive and warm under Andrew's finger tips. But it had been nothing but an illusion, a fucked up dream made for a fucked up kid. 

So Andrew was cranky. He was just going to meet up with his brother then go right back to his dorm and try to sleep- even if he knew that his dreams would haunt him the moment he woke up again. But at least he wouldn't be awake for a couple of hours, and maybe the sleep would make him less cranky. He'd rather be depressed than cranky- at least when he was depressed he could talk through it with his mom. Maybe he really should sneak King into the dorm, Kevin's 'allergy' be damned. 

Andrew entered the dinning room like he did every day for lunch with his brother. It was their routine, it was Andrew trying- he wasn't going to give it up because of a cranky mood. Andrew looked around the crowded dining hall and spotted his brother and his mountain of books in the back corner. He could only see the top of Aaron's head through the towers of books at the table, but only Andrew and Aaron had platinum blonde hair like that on campus. And only Aaron was enough of a nerd to have so many books in the cafeteria. So he hiked backpack up higher on his shoulder and grabbed a tray. He grabbed a bunch of shit full of sugar to try and placate his crankiness- his mom's warnings about sugar crashes be damned- and grabbed an apple for Aaron. He pushed his way through the crowd that normally wasn't there but it was game day and that apparently meant everyone was being extra obnoxious, and finally got to the table. 

He froze the moment he saw some girl with dull red hair and boring blue eyes sitting next to Aaron, giggling and blushy. 

Aaron had the same blushy look on his- their- face, a stupid smile only added insult to injury. 

Andrew looked between them, lost in their own world. One that didn't have any room for Andrew. He was standing there alone as his brother smiled and blushed and gave all of his attention to a girl he barely knew. Something like a knife was being stabbed into his chest, twisting slowly deeper inside him. He hated this feeling. He hated how alone and pathetic he felt standing there, so close yet in a completely different universe than his brother. 

Aaron finally noticed him, looking away from the random girl who managed to capture his attention so badly, a smile on his face like this was a good, happy thing. Like pushing Andrew further away was something to celebrate. And it hurt to think that, maybe for Aaron it was. "And-" Aaron stopped, his and the girl's face falling instantly when they looked at him. 

Whatever they saw on Andrew's face- he didn't know, he didn't know what expression he was making and he refused to figure it out- forced them into silence. It shut them both up, made the air fill with static ready to explode with just a touch, a single push. It was all ready to explode and turn to ash. Aaron, his face twisted with guilt, defiance, and fear, moved to stand up but he stopped as Andrew stepped away from him. His face contorted into something Andrew didn't know and didn't care to figure out. None of them moved, they stood still as the tension grew and grew and it felt like the ground was splitting open between them. 

Aaron swallowed nervously, Andrew still had no idea what he saw on Andrew's face, and decided to set the sparks off. "Andrew this is my girlfriend-" 

Andrew spilled the contents of his tray all over their books, their worksheets, their clothes, and dropped the tray onto the table with a shattering sound. He took in their stunned expressions, their work and books and clothes covered in cakes and muffins and his milkshake. He took it in before he turned on his heel and marched out of the cafeteria, pushing and shoving his way out. He didn’t give a single fuck. He just didn't care anymore.

-

"Uh, Andrew?" Kevin called out nervously. 

Andrew felt a tad bit sorry for him, having to play doorman for Andrew every day because if he didn't then it was completely possible that Andrew would throw punches. Or tell Jean about all the embarrassing things Kevin said about him. But Andrew had no interest in talking to his brother, so his sympathy for Kevin wasn't much. Which was why Andrew ignored Kevin, focused solely on the embroidery piece in front of him: a silly little fox in the middle of chasing a blue ball. After this piece he was going to make Bee something nice and send it to her, she must be having empty nest syndrome by now. 

"Andrew." 

Maybe Andrew would go home for the weekend and help Bee plan for her wedding. He could bring Renee along, she would want to help her mom with the planning as well and knowing what Bee was looking at would help. Since Stephanie had to finish wrapping things up in Chicago like selling her house and finishing her last couple of weeks at her job, Bee was planning their first wedding binder. It was the prototype of things they liked and were thinking about because Bee wanted to preserve as much of this as possible. Andrew wanted to help for various reasons, including that he was gay and had very strong opinions that needed to be heard. 

"Andrew. Come on." 

Andrew wondered if he should learn to sew a wedding dress. He wasn't completely sure if Bee was considering buying one or making her own. If she was doing the latter then Andrew was going to make it for her, along with doing all the embroidery. It was the least he could do for his mom. 

"Oh my god, Andrew you're killing me." 

Andrew finished off his thread and studied his piece. What part should he do next? He had the outline done but he wasn't sure where he wanted to move onto next. Should he do the ball first? Probably. But he should at least get a little bit of the fox done to help him out for when he picked up the project again. Choices, choices. 

Loud voices, bangs, and heavy footsteps told of a story Andrew didn't care about but was forced to when Aaron's face came into view. He was mad, but what was new? 

Aaron had his arms crossed over his chest, anger the most prominent emotion on his face and Andrew didn't care to figure out the rest. "Are you seriously being pissy that I have a girlfriend?" He demanded. 

Andrew buried the urge to sigh. Of course Aaron didn't understand. He never did. It wasn't about him having a girlfriend, it was about replacing him. He brought his girlfriend to their lunch, without asking . He said nothing to Andrew about it, he didn't ask, he didn't mention he was bringing someone- he just did. And that hurt more than Andrew wanted to admit. So no, it wasn't about Aaron having a girlfriend, not really. Even if it felt like Andrew was being pushed away. 

"You have no right to be like this when you've got a crush on Renee." Aaron pushed, always so wrong about everything.

Kevin furrowed his eyebrows, confusion and the bone deep need to correct people when they were wrong seeping from him. But one warning glare from Andrew had him shutting his mouth. Andrew still couldn't bring himself to tell Aaron. Not yet. 

"I do not." Andrew said. "We've talked about this, Aaron." He had told him time and time again that he was wrong but Aaron never listened. 

Aaron scoffed. "I believe what I can see, not what you lie about." 

Andrew clenched his jaw shut, ignored the voice that always sounded suspiciously like a dead boy's yelling at him to fight back, to scream and yell until he got it through Aaron's head that he wasn't a liar like he was. "Go away, Aaron." He said through gritted teeth.

"Stop pushing me away." Aaron demanded and wasn't that ironic? This coming from the guy who pushed first, who kept doing everything wrong and never seemed to realize all the chances Andrew gave him simply because Andrew loved him. 

"Aaron," Andrew said carefully. "I don't give a flying fuck that you've shagged up with some random peppy girl you met in one of classes." 

"I don't believe you." 

"That’s not my problem." Andrew played around on his desk, his embroidery hoop hidden under the desk, trying hard to make it clear that he was over this conversation. 

"Why do you have to be so difficult?" Aaron demanded. 

"Oh Aaron," Andrew sighed, ready for all of this to be over. "You really don't want to know the answer to that."

-

Andrew had his face buried in King's fur, because King was the only one he could trust in the world. Well, he could trust his mom but she was fluttering around the living room looking for her scissors that were in her hand. King was the only one he could trust at the moment. 

King was purring loudly, just happy to be receiving all the attention in the world like the attention whore she was. She didn't even mind that Andrew was being annoying, she had long since grown used to it over the years. 

"Andrew, honey, have you seen my scissors?" Bee asked, her face twisted in confusion as she looked around the coffee table that was covered in King, scraps of paper and her latest wedding album. She apparently already filled out her first wedding album when Andrew wasn’t looking. One might say she had a problem but that someone certainly wasn’t going to be Andrew, in fact he was going to encourage her.

"It’s in your hands, mom." Andrew told her. He slowly lifted his head, ignoring King's meow of protest, to watch his mom laugh at herself. 

Bee shook her head and sat back down across from Andrew, picking up the copy of the confirmation email for the venue she set down in search for her scissors. She and Stephanie finally got confirmation for their dream venue for the date they had annoyingly spent literally months picking out. They both wanted the date to be significant in their relationship but also something that fit into Bee's anxieties or whatever it was when it came to numbers. She didn't like most odd numbers, only liking the number five because it was ‘simple’, in her words. But they finally picked a date and finally got a venue they loved. If they had gotten denied for being gay then Andrew and Renee had agreed to beat the owner into mince meat together. Sibling bonding. But since they got it they'd have to pick someone else to beat up for their sibling bonding. "I guess I'm just a little loose in the head today." Bee said. "Stress always makes anxiety worse and it seems that planning a wedding is extremely stressful." 

Andrew hummed. King pawed at him, demanding attention before she did something drastic and Andrew was helpless to say no to her. So he began to gently pet her, all of his own stress and anxieties fading away with her calming purrs of happiness. Attention whore. "At least you have your venue." 

Bee beamed, whether because Andrew was participating in the conversation or because she was reminded that she did have her venue was unclear. But whatever. At least she was happy. "Yes." She agreed. "And now we have to plan the flowers and the guest list!" 

"Don’t forget your dress." Andrew added. Out of all the things Bee had been fretting about her wedding dress hadn't been one of them. Andrew could admit that he was looking forward to going shopping with her, to look at all the dresses and find something that made his mom beautiful and happy. And maybe to think about Neil, how happy he would've been if they had the chance to get married to look at dresses. He wanted to wear a dress when they got married simply because he liked them and Andrew would've fulfilled every and any wish he had no matter what.

"Oh I didn't." Bee promised. She turned the pages in her scrapbook until she came across a page covered with cut out magazine photos and printed out photos of wedding dresses. "I have a few styles I like, but I think I’m going to make it."

Andrew paused his pets, his mind racing with thoughts and possibilities. His mom shouldn't worry about that. She had too much on her plate already- planning the wedding, helping Stephanie with the move, work, and the fractured relationship of her sons. Making her wedding dress shouldn't be another worry she had on her plate. If she rushed she might not get the perfect dress of her dreams and knowing her she'd suck it up but it would always weigh on her mind. No. Andrew couldn't allow that. 

So, Andrew stood up, King in hands, and moved to sit next to Bee. He not so subtly stole the book and looked at all the photos that lined several pages. Bee chuckled at him but didn't stop him, probably used to him being well, him. Because she was a good mom who deserved to have the wedding dress of her dream. 

Bee seemed to prefer a flowy style with several layers, long sleeves but seemingly couldn't make up her mind on the neckline. All the skirts were floor length, a couple had a trail and most of them had some lace somewhere on the dress. If Andrew got Nicky, Renee, and Allison on this then he could get a good design that would fit his mom perfectly. He could even embroider the hem of the dress. Maybe he could even do it for Stephanie's dress depending on what she got and wanted, she would be his mom too. Yes, he would do that. He would work on it during the weekend and during the breaks until it was absolutely perfect. When he was at school he would endure Allison and get her knowledge on dress making and practice his sewing in between classes. He would make his mom the most beautiful wedding dress in the world, tailored to her perfectly. 

He caused all sorts of problems, caused his mom to gain grey hairs and made her life so much harder. He wasn't always a good son and he could rarely express how much he loved her but with this he would tell her everything he couldn't say over the years. He would make this dress with love and his mom would finally know how much he loved her. And maybe that would make him a good son.

Chapter Text

Andrew was staring at the wall, drinking a beer his sister had handed to him. All of Renee's idiot friends were partying behind him while Renee watched his back. She called him dramatic but Andrew knew he wasn't being nearly as dramatic as he had been as a stupid fourteen year old who thought it was a good idea to make out with Jeremy fucking Knox. The same Jeremy Knox who had come to Renee and Allison's party as Jean's new boyfriend. The instant they locked eyes Andrew knew he knew and Aaron was right there- so he was staring at the wall. He should've followed Kevin on his pathetic, heart-broken run to avoid this. Even though the last time Andrew had willingly ran with someone it had been when he was a small child, blissfully in love. 

"Do you want to tell me why you're avoiding Jeremy?" Renee asked quietly. 

Andrew glanced around and saw Aaron was with his girlfriend, talking to Allison about something or the other. Out of earshot. Andrew sighed. "We went to school together until I moved." He said quietly. Renee raised an eyebrow, knowing that even Andrew wouldn't avoid someone for something so small. Andrew hated that she knew him so well and that he was going to tell her. It wasn't until Andrew hurriedly spoke the next part of the story did she fully understand and that damn smugness appear on her face. "We made out right before I left." 

"Ah, I see." Renee said with her signature serene smile. But Andrew knew the truth of it, he knew when she was making fun of him. Bitch. He would have to get back at her the moment he got some useful blackmail material. 

"Shut the hell up." Andrew took a gulp of good old alcohol and glared at his spot on the wall. Renee just chuckled and she was going to regret it once Andrew coaxed some blackmail material from Dan. Or when Andrew embroidered her something super embarrassing. Or when he embarrassed her in front of her crush. Mark his words he would get back at her. 

Aaron came over, having left his girlfriend chatting with Allison, beer in hand and a slightly constipated look on his face. "Hey." He muttered. 

Renee looked between the two of them, well aware of the problems that brewed and took this chance to abandon them. "I’ll let you two talk." She said oh so diplomatically. "We'll talk later, Andrew." 

Andrew huffed goodbye, knowing she'd be back later to keep him company. They'd watch everyone else get drunk together and she'd let Andrew make fun of them all. Maybe Kevin would come by soon, he was entertaining as a drunk. And he always spilled embarrassing secrets when drunk. Andrew could always use some more blackmail material. 

Aaron leaned against Andrew's staring wall, looking down at his shoes as Andrew ignored him in favor for his drink. "You can date Renee, you know." Aaron said.

Andrew almost wasted perfectly good beer by almost smashing the bottle against the wall. "Aaron," he cautioned. 

"I’m just saying." Aaron defended. He wouldn't look at Andrew. "I think having a girlfriend would be good for you." 

Andrew pinched the bridge of his nose, ready to come out right then and there. He was fucking gay. Just the other week he had sucked a guy off in the dude's dorm. He was gay . And he'd never date anyone, no matter how irrational and ridiculous it seemed to anyone else. He knew where his heart belonged, and he knew there was no one in the world who could ever hold it again. It would be insulting to ever try. "Once again, I wish you had even the smallest amount of intelligence." Andrew told him. 

"Don’t be a bastard." Aaron muttered into his drink. 

Andrew didn't have any energy to respond again. He had done everything but come out to Aaron at this point and it was all on Aaron for not figuring this out yet. "I’ll do whatever I want." Andrew told him. He took another sip of his beer and let silence fall over them, ignoring Aaron's girlfriend when she came bouncing over to talk. She kept trying to talk to Andrew but he didn't give her an ounce of attention. He didn't want to speak to her. 

The party kept going, with everyone being dumb and Jeremy easily taking Andrew's hint to not say a word to him. Renee came back a couple of times, handing him snacks, water, and whatever random pieces of gossip she had to share. It was fine, even with Aaron's stupidity that was wearing him down to his very soul. Everything was fine. 

After a while, a very familiar yammering voice could be heard even over the music as was classic of Kevin. He was yapping about running techniques- apparently he was distracted enough to forget that his crush was dating someone else- to some poor sucker again. He did this periodically, find someone who was good at running then talk their ear off about the topic. This time, probably due to the aforementioned crush getting a boyfriend, he brought this poor guy back to the party. Maybe Andrew would find entertainment in scaring the guy off, or hook up with him if he was hot enough. 

The door opened and Kevin's voice got more annoyingly louder and two sets of footsteps rang out into the room. 

"Oh no," Dan whined, drunk and probably hanging off of Matt's arm. "He brought back another stray." 

"Now you know why I hate his guts." Seth, Allison's on and off again boyfriend, spat. Andrew didn't like Seth except for his amusing hatred of Kevin. It was his only redeeming quality. 

"Don’t be a dick, Seth." Kevin hissed. "He has a four minute mile run, he'd be perfect for the track team!" 

A collective groan went out, even Andrew and Renee joined in. Stupid sports junkie and his god damn obsession. Maybe Andrew should threaten Jeremy into letting Kevin join his and Jean's relationship just to shut Kevin the fuck up. But that would involve talking to Jeremy, which wasn’t something he was keen on doing any time soon.

"What?!" Kevin demanded. "It’s true!" 

"Shut it Kevi!" Allison booed. "We want to get drunk and watch Jeremy fall on his face!" Cat declared, gaining cheers and support throughout the whole group. 

"Why me?" Jeremy asked. 

"White boy, new to group, very fallable," Laila, Cat's girlfriend, listed off, slurring her words slightly. "Must I go on?" 

"Babes, you're perfect," Cat said in a disgustingly loving tone. Andrew hated these people. Why had he come again? 

Out of the corner of his eyes he could see Aaron furrow his eyebrows, his grip in his beer tightening, and a slight downturn of his lips. He was about to ask what was up his ass when Aaron leaned closer slightly and asked, "why is that guy staring at me?" 

Andrew raised a single eyebrow. It had to be the random stray Kevin brought back, the one he had forgotten to introduce because he got pulled into arguing with Seth, Dan, and Allison. "Maybe it's because you're ugly." He very helpfully suggested. 

Aaron turned fully to scowl at him. "We have the same face, asshole." He said. "If I'm ugly so are you." 

Andrew took offense to that. He was not ugly, it was just Aaron ruining their face. It wasn't his fault that Aaron just couldn't pull off their face. He just sighed and decided that he should watch the drama that was happening behind him- he just heard Kevin genuinely whimper at the Cat's grand idea of comparing all the guy's abs and he had to see Kevin making a fool of himself. 

So Andrew turned to look at the mess that was being created and was hit with blue, blue, blue . A startling blue he never thought he'd ever see outside of his dreams and pictures, blue that belonged to the eyes of a dead boy standing right there in front of him- alive. 

"Hi Drew," Neil said, the rest of the room fading into nothingness. His voice was deeper than Andrew remembered, his curly hair was poorly cut but still the most beautiful auburn. His icy blue eyes were warm and full of so many emotions and his face was graced with a warm, shy smile only ever meant for Andrew's eyes. 

Andrew's breath hitched, rapid and unforgiving. His body moved on its own, always having been drawn to Neil like a moth to a flame. He moved before his brain caught up to the fact that Neil was right there, standing there looking at Andrew with so much affection in his eyes. His chair fell to the floor, his beer shattered against the floor but he didn't care. Because he was standing in front of Neil, just an inch apart, so close to grab him and take him far away from here. But he couldn't. What if this was the final fucked up step of his grieving process? What if this was all a hallucination and the moment Andrew gave in Neil would just disappear? 

"Neil," Andrew's voice was stressed, chalked full of emotions he tried so hard to bury and rid himself of. But of course he couldn't, not when it came to Neil. 

Neil looked absolutely delighted, like he wasn't missing for eight fucking years, his smile threatening to break his beautiful face in half. He had grown, slightly taller than Andrew, his features more deadly than cute as they had been all those years ago. He looked like he could fade into any background then pop out and tear you to pieces- like a tiger. He'd always had that air about him. "Drew," he greeted, his voice honey sweet and just as overrun with emotions as Andrew's. 

"This isn't real," Andrew whispered. His hands shook. He wanted to grab Neil, to shake him, to hold him tight and never let him go. He felt like he was going to explode. 

Neil chuckled, lifting his hands, now scarred with burns and cuts, to ghost over Andrew's cheeks, like he wanted to hold Andrew in his hands but was just as afraid as Andrew to break the spell. "I’m not a hallucination, Drew." He promised. 

"That’s exactly what a hallucination would say," Andrew took the bait, he took it and grabbed hold of Neil's boring grey shirt, feeling tears form in the back of his eyes when he stayed . He didn't disappear. 

Neil's breath hitched. He moved closer, leaning into Andrew's space and all Andrew could do was lean into Neil's touch, a jolt of electricity surging through him. His hands weren't soft anymore, they weren't small and chubby; they were scarred and rough and thin but they were warm . "You’re still so difficult and dramatic." Neil sighed happily, brushing his thumb against Andrew's skin. No one but him could ever get away with these gentle touches, he was the only one who knew why he was so guarded because he was there for it all. This was a privilege only ever granted to him. 

"There’s no way you're real." Andrew argued. It had been eight long years, it had been so long and everyone had given up hope. There was no way that Neil was standing in front of him right now, simply because Kevin saw him running and brought him back to the party Andrew didn't want to go to but went anyways. He snaked his arms around Neil's waist and pulled him closer, needing to hear his heart beat, to feel his warmth to know this was real. 

"I’m real." Neil promised gently, his eyes fully on Andrew like he couldn't imagine ever looking somewhere else. "I’ll do everything to prove it to you." 

Andrew swallowed around the lump in his throat, so many questions and thoughts rushing around begging to be voiced. He stared up at Neil, the little menace who consumed him from the moment they met all those years ago. So much had changed about him but he still had to be the same kid who loved foxes and made plans to get a T-Rex so it could eat their principal; the same kid who would eat fruits until he threw up and would still try to eat them anyways; the same kid who climbed trees and threw rocks at people; the same kid who knew every little thing about Andrew and took so much pride in it. "How many freckles do I-" 

"Forty seven." Neil said without the slightest hint of hesitation. His thumb gently rubbed beneath Andrew's eyes and Andrew was afraid he'd melt under the action. "But it’s been a while since I last counted." He mused. "It might have changed. I want to count them again." 

Andrew heard the question, the ask to stay and relearn each other and he knew that there was no way he could ever deny Neil anything. "Yes, you stupid, asshole idiot." He agreed far too easily after years of being difficult. He leaned forward, pressing his ear to Neil's chest. 

BA-DUM

BA-DUM 

BA-DUM Neil's heart went, fast and excited and oh so real. It was beating right there in Neil's chest because he was fucking alive, scarred and no doubt fucked up but alive . 

Neil's arms were now wrapped around Andrew's shoulders, and it was the safest Andrew had felt in years . "I missed you too, Drew." He sighed happily. "But, uh, people are staring and I don't want our reunion spoiled by a bloodbath." 

Andrew sighed happily, the tension leaving his body as he felt the urge to laugh. He let out a low rumble in his chest, pulling away to look at his ridiculous Neil. "Of course you're still deranged." He said, relieved. 

Neil looked slightly offended, the smallest pout of his bottom lip that was too cute. "It’s not my fault." He argued. "And I wasn't deranged as a kid." 

"Yes you were." Andrew said so fondly it almost broke him. He remembered how Neil threw rocks at kids, tripped them, threatened bodily harm on the daily, how he wanted to burn things so fucking badly and of course the way he looked at his own mother when she dared to try and hurt Andrew. Neil was deranged and Andrew loved that part of him. 

"What the actual fuck." Came Aaron's voice, stressed and slightly high pitched. The shattering of glass was next. But Andrew didn't want to leave Neil's arms to entertain his brother or sister or the other idiots around him. He couldn’t leave.

"Oh!" Renee gasped and Andrew knew that if he looked at her he'd see the realization dawn on her and the resulting smirk. He wasn’t going to look at her. "So this is Neil?" She asked. 

"Neil?" Allison and Aaron asked at the same time. 

"Who the fuck is Neil!?" Aaron demanded. 

"Oh Renee, you've been holding out on me." Allison crackled. 

"Oh my god it's Neil!" Jeremy exclaimed, being the only one who actually knew the whole story and what was going on. "Dude! You’re alive!" 

"Fuck, the dude's a fag too." Seth complained. 

Neil's rection was immediate- he threw a small rock he pulled from somewhere at Seth's beer that he had been bringing up to his lips, shattering the glass all over him. A nasty, deadly glare on his beautiful face. "Don’t say that word." He demanded coldly. "Or next time it'll be your head." 

Andrew loved this man. This stupid, trigger happy man. He was never letting Neil go again, no matter what he was staying right by Andrew's side. 

"What the fuck!?" Seth yelled. 

Andrew decided that this was enough- he was going to take Neil far away from here and these idiots. They were going to go home and talk, they were going to relearn each other away from prying eyes. He was going to take Neil home after all these horrible years. 

Andrew bent down, hooking his arms around Neil's knees and without any fanfare, lifted him up. He wasn’t letting Neil run away, to slip through his fingers ever again. 

Neil's yelp turned into laughter as he gripped at Andrew's shoulders for balance, sending so much warmth all through Andrew's body. "Drama king." He teased. "Could've given me a little warning." 

"Not chancing it." Andrew replied. "You’re not running away again." 

Neil's expression was soft and apologetic, his fingers firmly holding onto him. "I guess I should count myself lucky you didn't throw me over your shoulder like a bag of flour." He sighed. He turned to look at the others, not caring that Andrew was already walking away from them. "Nice to met you, I guess." 

"Bye Neil! Bye Andrew!" Jeremy cheered. "I’m so happy for you guys!" 

"Jeremy you bitch! What do you know?!" 

"What is happening?" 

"I’m going to make so much money."

"I just wanted to talk about running." 

"Drew," Neil's voice was the only one that mattered, the only one to catch Andrew's attention as they left the dorm. "Do we know that guy?" 

Andrew let out a long suffering sigh, one he was so fucking happy to be able to do again. "If you weren't so disgusted by the other children than you would know that yes, we did know him." 

"All I needed was you Drew," Neil said, sounding so sincere it made Andrew feel like he was on fire. "Plus, kids are disgusting." 

"Never change, Neil." 

"Don’t worry, I won't, Drew.”

Chapter Text

Placing Neil down on the ground was harder than Andrew thought it would be- the fear that he would disappear the moment he let him go seemed to be ingrained into Andrew’s bones. But with the way Neil looked only at Andrew, like he hung the stars in the sky made it easier to put him down in his dorm room, the door locked. Andrew couldn't let go of him completely, holding both of his hands in his own, holding on tight so he couldn't disappear again. It was surreal, it was near impossible for this to be real. Neil was declared dead, he was only ever supposed to exist in his memories. 

"You’re here." Andrew said, his tongue heavy in his mouth. 

Neil nodded, a soft smile that had always only been for Andrew on his face. "Yeah, I'm here." He promised. He lifted their hands, taking obvious pleasure in holding on tight to Andrew. "I'm not leaving." 

"You disappeared." Andrew accused, the years of turmoil cracking through the carefully constructed walls he put up. "You just- you were gone one day." He leaned closer, forehead against Neil's shoulder as emotions ran through him without warning or any signs of slowing down. 

Neil sucked in a breath, his hold on Andrew's hands tight. He was as afraid of disappearing as Andrew was. He was afraid this was a dream too. "I know." He said. "I tried to stop it." 

"You were ten." Andrew whispered. Neil was tiny when they were kids, he was skinny and weak and so small. He was so small, so he was Andrew’s to protect. And he failed. 

"So were you." Neil said softly and Andrew swore he heard something break, something small and fragile inside of him. 

Andrew sucked in a breath, shaky and holding himself together by sheer willpower. This was happening. After eight long years this was happening. "What happened?" 

Neil was quiet for a long time, his breathing a forced calm that Andrew knew so well, down to his bones, to his cells. When Andrew pulled away from his shoulder he saw Neil's faraway stare, looking off into the distance, a thousand miles away from Andrew. Andrew simply waited, he waited for the memories to finish, for his Neil to come back to him in a slow, peaceful manner, holding on tight to him so he could know that Andrew was right there. That this was their reality now. "She never took her medicine." Neil whispered after an age of silence. "The doctors said she was a paranoid schizophrenic, that she was seeing my father as her hallucinations." 

Andrew gently led Neil to the bed, laying him down on his bunk, the glow-in-the dark stars above their heads- the closest they would get to Andrew's childhood dream of escaping to the stars. He wrapped Neil and himself in his softest blanket, before taking Neil's hand back into his. An anchor, that's what he would be for Neil. 

Neil settled into the mattress, eyes glued onto the stars above them, hand tightly holding onto Andrew's. "It was okay for a while." He said even though they both knew that wasn't really the truth. They both remembered the bruises and scratches on Neil's body, how it kept happening and how it got worse and worse. "The doctors tried to force her meds on her but they couldn't do anything. I don't know why. I tried but every time I brought it up she hit me." 

"It was never your responsibility." Andrew reminded him. They were kids. Adults were supposed to protect them , not the other way around. They should've never been forced to carry the responsibilities of the adults around them, take their anger, accept their abuse with meek little cries. They were supposed to be loved and cared for. That's how it was supposed to be. That’s how it was with Bee.

"I know." Neil sighed. He closed his eyes and Andrew selfishly wished he'd open them back up. "That morning I was eating breakfast," he said, his voice shaking so miniscule that only Andrew could've ever heard it. "She was fighting with her hallucination again, throwing and breaking things. It was normal, something that happened a lot but then she suddenly came downstairs and grabbed me, muttering about how we were 'finally leaving that monster'." 

Except she already had. They had already left Neil's abusive father five years before that day; they had been safe from him. Andrew pulled Neil closer, turning on his side to look at him properly. He had to study the shape of Neil's nose, the way it hooked at the bridge and had grown to perfectly fit on his face; he had to learn the angle of his jaw, the way his long lashes left a shadow over his cheek bones. He needed to relearn everything about Neil. 

Neil opened his eyes, the startling blue brighter than any star in the sky, and turned to face Andrew. He held out his other hand and Andrew didn't think twice before taking it. "She didn't let me take anything." He said. 

"I know." Andrew had been there, had seen the state of Neil's room, saw how he left behind everything he ever loved. "Mom and I went to check on you." 

Neil looked surprised, his eyes widening just a bit before softening. "Of course you did." He said without a hint of sarcasm or bitterness, just pure affection. He looked at their hands, their intertwined fingers, and sighed. "I don't know how she did it; but she got us fake IDs and drove into Canada." 

"Were you there the whole time?" Andrew asked, his throat aching and sore. 

Neil shook his head, his hair easily falling into his face. Andrew wanted to push it out but he'd have to let go of Neil's hand to do so. He couldn't do that. "We only stayed for a few weeks." He explained. "I tried to convince her to go back or to take her meds, or to just call my uncle but she always refused. I called the cops once but they didn't help, just made everything worse." 

Andrew wasn't surprised. Pigs always made things worse, they didn't do jackshit and wouldn't have helped a brown boy past putting him in their squad car and taking him to the station on bullshit charges. They probably came, asked a few questions and scarred a young Neil before leaving him to his unstable mother. Mary's abuse must have gotten worse after that, all because no one cared. "It wasn't your fault." He promised him. "They failed you." 

Neil didn't argue, but he didn't agree. Andrew didn't push it, he wasn't sure what new buttons were there and he wouldn't hurt Neil. "We moved shortly after that." Neil continued. "Stayed with some of her so-called friends for a few weeks in Germany, then Paris, then in Liverpool." 

Andrew squeezed Neil's hand tightly. He didn't like the implications on who Neil stayed with without any proper supervision. "Did they hurt you?" He asked, unsure how he'd react if they did. He hoped they hadn't- and he sure as hell hoped they didn't hurt him the same way Andrew had been hurt. 

Neil shook his head. "No, not like that." He promised. "A couple slaps and cruel words but never...no. They didn't hurt me like that." 

Andrew let go of the anger and tension in his body. Good. No one had hurt Neil like that- that was a fate Andrew didn't wish on anyone except those who did it themselves. "How'd it end?" He asked. They had forever to learn and share all the details of their lives apart- to relearn each other and their traumas. But right now, Andrew needed to know how it ended. Everything else could wait.

Neil took a deep breath, counting quietly to himself just like he had done as a child. It was surreal to see again. "I’m not too sure myself." He admitted slowly. "We were in a 'safe house' which was really just an abandoned warehouse we were squatting in. Mom was somewhere deep in the warehouse, I was by the entrance just wishing I could go home." 

Andrew couldn't imagine how alone Neil had been during all those years. At least Andrew had his mom, his cat, his brother, his sister, and his cousin. They all slowly came into his life but he had them, through all his issues and his years of silence. He had them. Neil had no one. He just had his insane mother and her delusions, and maybe his memories to keep him sane. Andrew couldn't even begin to understand how much trauma Neil had now all because the system failed him. "You’re home now." Andrew promised him. He didn't know where Neil lived now, how he ended up on campus and what his plans were but Andrew knew he was going to be by Neil's side through it all. He was Neil’s home, just as Neil was Andrew’s home.

Neil looked at Andrew with thankful, hopeful, and relief-full blue eyes. It took all of Andrew's self control to not kiss him right there. "Yeah," he agreed with a smile. "I am." 

Andrew's heart beat too quickly looking at Neil. Memories of how familiar this was- of hours and days of feeling like he was standing on the edge of a cliff just by looking at Neil and his bright smile- flooded his mind. Reminding him that he never stood a chance against this man. 

Neil, unaware of how much he affected Andrew, continued with his story. "I heard a loud crash." He explained, the smile leaving his face as he got sucked back into the memories. "I called out to mom but heard nothing back for a long time. As soon as I decided to look for her she came stumbling out, clutching her stomach. She grabbed me and told me we had to run, that my father found us." 

Andrew frowned, unsure of what to make of it. He could easily imagine Neil, young and scared, wandering around that old, abandoned warehouse all alone. Maybe he hadn’t eaten in days, maybe he hadn’t slept in a bed for months. Maybe wondering if this was his chance to run, maybe wondering if he should check on Mary or just try to go back home. But Andrew couldn't even begin to imagine what Mary had done to herself. He felt as confused as he was sure a young Neil felt. 

"I tried to ask if she was okay." Neil kept going. "But she didn't answer me, just shoved me into our stolen car. She drove like hell was at our feet, from Seattle down to some beach in California where the car died." 

Andrew jerked his attention away from their hands to Neil's face, to the unreadable emotions hidden there. Neil had come back to him, he had been so close to being together again. "When?" Andrew asked, his voice barely a whisper. Had Neil truly been so close to him and he hadn't even realized it? 

"Maybe a year ago." Neil said. 

And Andrew- Andrew didn't know how to feel. He was long gone by then, he'd been in South Carolina for four years so there was no way they would've- it just wasn't going to happen. But he still felt robbed. Maybe if he had stayed he would've been reunited with Neil sooner. It was pointless to think about what ifs but he couldn't help it. They could've, just maybe, found each other sooner. He should've been there. He should’ve been there sooner for Neil.

"It’s okay." Neil said. He let go of Andrew’s hands to gently cup his face, holding him gently like he was a precious gem he didn't want to scratch. "I never expected you to put your life on pause for me. Even I'm surprised I'm alive- I thought for sure I was going to die on that beach." 

Except Andrew had. To some extent he had put his life on pause. He gained a family yes, and he had a purpose in life after college- but his life had been forever haunted by the ghost of  Neil. There had been parts of his life he could never push past that day in that house frozen in time, when he realized that Neil was gone. Or that moment he collapsed in Bee's arm when the reality finally hit him that Neil was gone. Forever. There were aspects of himself that could never move on- and now he no longer had to. "What do you mean?" He asked. He couldn't tell Neil yet that he did put parts of himself on hold for him. That there wasn't a day that went by when he didn't think of him. He was sure Neil would figure it out anyways. 

Neil blinked slowly, his eyes glazing over. Andrew hated the look on him, but he knew it would be a common sight from now on. "The car died on the beach." He said slowly, his voice tight and strained. "Mom was bleeding everywhere- I don't know what happened to her I just know she was bleeding. A lot. Her body was glued to the seats, Drew." He took a shaky breath, holding it in then letting go slowly, before he continued. "She kept sprouting nonsense; telling me to keep running, to stay alive no matter what- I just sat there, nearly puking from how much blood there was. I could taste it Drew, I could smell it so much that I could fucking taste it. And then there was this- this fire that kept spreading and it kept going and-" 

Andrew could see him spiraling back into the past, something Andrew knew all too well. His hands were shaking, even as they held Andrew's face they were shaking as Neil struggled to breathe. Andrew brought a hand to the back of Neil's neck, hearing Neil take a sharp breath. His other hand covered one of Neil's hands, prying it off of his face and squeezing it hard. "Breathe." 

Neil squeezed Andrew's hand back, taking a deep breath. In and out, in and out, in and out. He closed his eyes for just a moment, grounding himself back into the present. When he opened them again his eyes were clearer than before. "I’m here." He whispered. 

Stay, Andrew couldn't help to think. Stay with me

Chapter Text

It wasn't a dream. Neil coming back to Andrew, showing up at some random party and falling asleep in his bed wasn't all a dream. He was still there, sleeping across from Andrew. He looked peaceful, at ease, with the tension gone from his shoulders. Andrew couldn't help but stare at him, memorize the way the sunlight hit Neil's auburn hair. He couldn't help it. He had lost this man eight years ago, thought he would never come back only for him to suddenly return out of the blue, scarred and traumatized but alive and still inherently Neil. He had to memorize every little thing about him, to stare until it felt fucking real. 

Somewhere on the bed, Andrew's phone buzzed incessantly, no doubt with dozens of messages from all the idiots who Andrew had the misfortune to know. He didn't get the chance to even reach for his phone before Neil jerked awake, his breathing instantly ragged and his blue eyes far away. 

"Neil," Andrew called out, startled but keeping his voice steady and calm for Neil to latch onto. 

Neil flicked his eyes to Andrew, blinking the far away look from his bright blue eyes. He took a few steadying breaths and slumped back down onto the bed. "Sorry," he said quietly. 

"Don’t apologize for your trauma." Andrew told him. He reached around the bed, looking for his phone, eyes fixated on Neil's soft smile. 

"Okay." Neil agreed far too easily, far too softly, for a man who used to chase people with scissors. And who used to throw rocks at people. And who took Andrew’s hand into his own and sprinted across the school, dragging Andrew with him because he pissed someone off and he was making Andrew an accomplice. "Good morning Drew." 

Andrew stopped looking for his phone. It wasn't important. What was was the way Neil said his name. "Good morning Neil." 

Neil's smile grew and Andrew was absolutely captivated by it. They stayed there, staring at each other for who knew how long until Neil's stomach growled. Neil's cheeks went pink and Andrew thought it was the cutest thing in the world. "I guess I'm hungry." He muttered. 

"No shit." Andrew sat up, quickly followed by Neil and his impressive bed head. Andrew wanted to run his hands through it, detangle all the knots and spend twenty minutes trying to tame it then giving up. It was too adorable for him to handle so early in the morning. "I see why you would need a bonnet." 

Neil scowled, but it was wholly undone by his wild hair sticking up in all directions. It was fucking adorable. Renee’s god was too cruel and yet very kind. "There’s going to be lint stuck in my hair." He grumbled. He ran a hand through his mess of curls and Andrew couldn't look away. He made a note to get silk pillow cases. 

"Do you need a change of clothes?" Andrew asked instead of focusing too hard on his silly little emotions. 

"Oh right, clothes." Neil mumbled. He shuffled slowly towards the ladder for the bed and hopped down onto the floor with reckless abandonment. He stumbled a bit but looked up at Andrew when he steadied himself, smiling softly at him. "Can I borrow some?" 

Andrew's heart was beating violently in his chest, his cheeks warm. He felt an electrical current rushing through his body and he wasn't awake enough for that yet. "Don’t ask stupid questions." He said. 

Neil just smiled more. He had to know what he was doing to Andrew, the little shit. Andrew wanted to spend the rest of his life with him and that stupid fucking smile.

Andrew ended up having to dress Neil- his sense of fashion was still as bad as when he was a child. He thought that maybe it would have gotten somewhat better or that he’d at least learn to color match but there was no such luck. Neil was a disaster when he wasn’t looking at a dress or skirt. Andrew had put his foot down on Neil trying to wear jean shorts with the glitter full shirt Nicky had sent over a week ago as a 'random' present. (Andrew was sure it was meant for Erik but it was either the wrong size or practical Erik refused to wear it). So Andrew ended up dressing Neil before he made them the target of a hate crime- of his stupid fashion choices. Neil didn't seem to mind, if the pleasant and almost dreamy smile on his face was anything to say. He simply let Andrew dress him up. Andrew was going to kill him one day. 

"Hey Drew?" Neil called out as Andrew finished up his own outfit. They were going to go out for breakfast before Andrew brought him back home to see King again. He wasn't sure if King would remember Neil but he knew that Neil was worried about her, even if he hadn't said anything yet. If Neil was going to have a normal life now that the bitch was out of the way, he had to start with familiarity. He had to give Neil things to keep him grounded- and what better way to do that and ease his worry by bringing him back to their cat? 

"What my menace?" Andrew asked. He grabbed the keys to his and Aaron's car. Technically, they were supposed to share the car and if one was using it then they had to let the other one know about it. Bee wanted them to engage and talk to each other but this was very important and Aaron would be fine without it. He had his little girlfriend to drive him around anyways. 

"Can I hold your hand?" Neil asked nervously. He was playing with the hem of his very normal and not glittery shirt, eyes locked onto Andrew and it was fucking ridiculous of him to think that the answer would ever be anything but yes. 

Andrew gently pried Neil's hand from his shirt. With Neil's beautiful eyes on him he tangled up their fingers, holding on tight to Neil's hand. He remembered the first time they held hands- when Neil asked him yes or no because he was worried about the cruel adults separating them. How he was probably afraid of his own mother trying to pry them apart. It turned out he was right to worry, but now there was no one to pry them apart ever again. "Yes." He said. "You’re the only one I'd ever do this with." 

Neil's face flushed a deep red as his nervousness gave way to a big smile. He squeezed Andrew's hand tightly and nodded. "I'm glad that hasn't changed." He admitted. "Since it seems so much has since...you know." 

Andrew gently tugged Neil along with him out of the room, eyes locked onto Neil's face. He locked up behind him- if Kevin forgot his keys again that was his problem, Andrew had a Neil to stare at- and led Neil through the hallways towards the stairs. "I'm assuming you mean my idiot brother." He sighed. 

Neil nodded, happily keeping in step with Andrew, swinging their arms around obnoxiously. He still took the time to 'accidently' trip the people who dared to stare at them. Andrew wanted to shove him against the wall and kiss him stupid. "Yeah," he agreed. "Do you know how confused I was to see another you, Drew?! Like- it was you but not! After a second I realized he wasn't you and that now I had to probably fight your ugly doppelganger." 

Andrew huffed. It seemed his predictions about Neil's rection to Aaron were mostly correct. There really did seem to be only one Andrew to Neil, so even his identical twin was up for ridicule. It seemed that even after all this time Neil really was the same asshole he had come to love. He really loved this stupid man. "How’d you know?" He asked. "Most people can't tell us apart." 

Neil hummed, his blue eyes looking up and down Andrew's body without any shame, lingering at his arms. Andrew was going to explode. "Well for one, you're very handsome, your clone isn't." 

"That makes no sense, Neil." Andrew informed him, but he was going to go along with it after some teasing. He knew from an early age that Neil was ridiculous, made no sense half the time, and was still so loveable. 

"It makes perfect sense." Neil insisted. There would be no convincing the stubborn asshole otherwise. "For another thing!" He said, clearly moving on before Andrew could continue to question him. "He had a girl hanging off of him- you wouldn't tolerate that, especially not for a girl." 

Andrew paused, blinking rapidly as memories played in his head. He stopped in the middle of the now mostly empty hall, Neil stopping immediately, letting him process what he's said. It wasn't surprising that Neil would remember how he felt about touching- he was the one there next to Andrew during the worst moment of his life. He knew what happened to him. But he had never told Neil that he was gay. "How do you know that?" He asked, his heart pounding in his chest. 

Neil looked at him like he was being ridiculous. "Come on Drew," he said softly, so fucking softly. "I know you."

Andrew swallowed around the lump in his throat. He shouldn't be afraid to tell his best friend, the boy he had been in love with for over a decade, that he was gay. His mom and sister were lesbians; his cousin was open and proud even after everything he went through- he was proud of who he was. He was proud of himself for being the way he was even after everything he went through. He shouldn't be afraid to tell the one person who accepted everything about him. "Even that I'm gay?" He asked quietly. He was sure his face was on fire. His heart was ready to fly out of his chest. He didn't want Neil to be bothered by it, just having Neil alive was more than enough for Andrew so it wasn't like he was expecting Neil to- 

"Of course." Neil interrupted with that same soft, loving smile he'd only ever give to Andrew. The one Andrew longed to see for so many years, the one he thought he’d never get to see until yesterday. "You’re my Drew, and I take great pride in knowing you." 

"Shut up." Andrew hissed to cover up the way his heart pounded against his chest so violently and the reddening of his face. Neil just smiled at him, waiting for him to recover before deciding to be a menace again. There was only so long Neil could be sweet until he had to be a menace to society, and it seemed that wasn’t something the bitch could ever beat out of him.

"What was the other reason." Andrew said, forcing his legs to move. He wanted food. He wanted to see how Neil's tastes had changed in the years they had been apart. And then he wanted to bring Neil home and tell him everything that happened while he was gone, reassure his own mom that everything would mostly be okay. "That you knew Aaron wasn't me." 

Neil easily walked beside Andrew, his hand still warm in Andrew's. It was like their hands were molded together, a perfect fit. "Well, because he didn't recognize me." He said, his eyes on Andrew, never leaving him. "You would never forget me." 

"You’re right." Andrew told him. He had never forgotten Neil, even if he wasn't cursed to remember everything he'd always remember and recognize him. No matter how much Neil changed, he would always recognize him. "You’re too annoying to forget." 

Neil burst out laughing and it was the greatest sound Andrew had ever heard in his whole life. And he would get to hear more and more, for the rest of his life. Neil’s laugh would never become just a memory again, because the little asshole was finally home. 

They continued to talk about the small things; about how Neil still fed every stray cat he came across no matter how much food he had; about how Andrew still did embroidery (and had so many for Neil, all hidden away in his room next to a very loved stuffed animal); about how their interests had stayed the same or changed, like how Neil didn't really care for movies much anymore but Andrew did; how Neil's favorite color was grey for a period of time but now it was gold; how Neil still loved foxes and thought they were the best animals to ever exist. They talked about shallow little things and couldn’t keep their eyes off of each other as they ate, just taking it all in that this was real and not a dream they were afraid would end. It was the most peaceful meal Andrew had had in eight years.

The ride to Andrew's home was quiet but peaceful. There wasn't any tension in the air like there was with Aaron- it was just a calm, peaceful quiet between him and the boy he had fallen for all those years ago. Neil spent half the drive looking out the window, studying every road sign, flipping off other drivers, etc; and the other half he spent staring at Andrew with this dreamy look on his face. It was nearly overwhelming for him, but he simply ignored it, vowing to deal with it later, after they got their footing again. When Andrew pulled up to his driveway, right next to Bee's car, Neil hadn't looked away from him for nearly half an hour. 

"Staring." Andrew said, his nerves on fire. He was bringing Neil back home, to see Bee and King again. Part of him was still afraid that this was all some sick dream or hallucination his mind created and that if they walked in his mom would tell him none of it was real. 

"I haven't seen you in eight years." Neil responded without a hint of embarrassment at being caught. "I’ve got to recount your freckles." 

Andrew refused to be affected by it. He just had to build up tolerance to the shit Neil said. Again. "Shut up and get out of the car." He demanded. 

Neil chuckled but got out of the car, giving Andrew a moment to collect himself. Everything would be fine, this wasn't a dream. Neil really was there and he wouldn't disappear again the moment Andrew took his eyes off of him. But just to be safe- for both Andrew’s sanity and public safety- he should keep his eyes on Neil at all times. There was no other reason for that decision. 

Andrew got out of the car and locked it up. Neil was waiting at the front of the car, holding out his hand in question, his head tilted slightly, staring at Andrew with those big blue eyes. Fuck. He was too cute. Andrew grabbed his hand, angrily tugging him closer. He knew what he was doing, he had to. Neil just smiled at Andrew, a soft look in his eyes. It was strange how soft he was when Andrew knew exactly what he was like, what he was capable of. He didn't call Neil an arsonist just for shits and giggles. 

"Come on," Andrew led Neil to the front door, too nervous for someone bringing their childhood friend home. Well, he was deeply in love with him and he knew his mom knew that too but it wasn’t like Neil and him were dating or anything. He was just overthinking things. "Behave." 

Neil's smile turned into a slight smirk, making him look more like the trouble making kid Andrew knew he still was. "When have I ever misbehaved?" He asked so innocently Andrew swore he saw a halo above Neil’s beautiful curls. 

"How about all those times you threw rocks at the other kids?" Andrew suggested from the long list of incidents he had at the ready for this exact question. 

"They deserved it Drew," Neil tried to argue. 

Andrew rolled his eyes, fishing for the key in his pocket. Of course Neil would think that. He always had beef with the other children and seemed that even now, nearly ten years later he still had beef with them. This man was ridiculous and Andrew wanted to be by his side for the rest of his life. 

"No I mean it!" Neil pressed. "They were a bunch of self centered dicks!" 

Andrew found his key, shoving it into the door knob and unlocking it as his heart pounded in his chest. "They were fucking what? Ten? Eight? You started doing it when we were fucking five." 

"And they were a bunch of self centered dicks." 

"Fuck, you've gotten stupider." Andrew said fondly. He ignored the heat in his body at Neil's big smile. Of course he wasn't offended by that, the idiot. Andrew wanted to kiss him. Andrew turned away from him, opening the front door instead of dealing with the thoughts that kept popping up in his head. 

The house was warm, safe and inviting, and the whole place smelled of cookies. There was soft comforting music playing from the living room speakers, volumed right at 15 like Bee liked it. Everything was in its rightful place, fit with King being a lazy guard cat, asleep peacefully on the back of the couch, her fluffy tail hanging off the edge. She was so lucky that she was the cutest little creature in the world otherwise Andrew would have to have words with her.

"Mom?" Andrew called out, stepping inside, tugging the idiot he called Neil along with him. He took his shoes off, placing them in their proper spot on the shoe rack. He watched as Neil did the same, without an inch of hesitation, placing his shoes next to Andrew's like he used to do as a kid. Bee was a creature of habit and Neil still remembered those habits even after so long.

King burst to life, her cute little eyes opening at the sound of Andrew's voice. She meowed happily, stretching and no doubt readying herself to be spoiled. Because she was a spoiled princess, who absolutely deserved to be spoiled. 

"Oh Andrew!" Bee called out alongside the sound of the oven going off. "I’ll be out in just a second! The cookies need to come out." 

"Okay." Andrew agreed easily, barely able to finish before King came rushing towards them with a loud, nearly pained meow. 

Andrew blinked slowly as King crashed into Neil, crawling up his leg, crying at him desperately. Neil was stunned, his eyes wide, looking between Andrew and King. It seemed like he didn’t ever expect her to remember him, as if anyone who ever met him could forget him.

"Looks like she remembers you." Andrew said gently, letting go of Neil's hand to let him hold their cat. 

Neil's hands shook as he carefully helped King up, carefully cradling her as tears gathered in his stunning blue eyes. He buried his face into King's fur, holding on for dear life but still being mindful to King's comfort. "Hi," he muffled into King's fur, King’s meows nearly drowning him out. "I’m back." 

Andrew's body moved on its own again, his hand coming up to rest on the back of Neil's neck. 

Neil jumped at the sudden touch but before Andrew could pull away he melted into Andrew's touch. He turned to look at Andrew, eyes full of tears and a smile taking over his face. "I’m sorry I was gone." He told King. "I won't leave again." 

Andrew ignored the warm glow in his stomach at Neil's words. He knew it was directed at their cat but he also knew they were for him too. Neil wasn't leaving again. He was home for good.

Bee came trotting into the kitchen, wiping her hands on her flour covered apron, a big smile on her face. It had been too long since Andrew had seen her, always so busy with working on her dress in between classes and trying to have a social life. Even when he came home for the weekend he was busy, but she was still always so happy to have him home, even when she had every right to be upset at him. "Andrew how-" she came to an abrupt stop, eyes wide at the scene before her. It was a hard sight to believe- that a boy everyone thought was dead was alive in her living room holding onto the cat they found as clueless kids. She clasped her hands together, taking a few cautious steps forward, a relieved, thankful smile on her face. "Neil, honey, is that really you?" She asked. 

Neil nodded, smiling at Bee. "Yeah, it's me, Bee." He said his voice soft and small. 

Tension in Bee's frame instantly disappeared. She came over and pulled him into a hug, rubbing her hand along Neil's back. "Oh thank goodness you're alright." She sighed in pure relief. "I'm so glad you came home." 

Neil glanced at Andrew, his eyes warm and big and impossibly bright. "Yeah," he agreed. "I'm home.”

Chapter Text

Andrew had to stop staring at Neil- at the gentle rise and fall of his chest as he slept; at the way he was hogging all of the blankets yet somehow curling up into a tiny ball, the perfect size for Andrew to hold. He had no idea how or why he was awake before Neil, maybe he still had that fear that this was all a dream, that the other day where Neil spent the whole day in his room taking in everything, didn't happen. But it had. Neil had sat on Andrew's bed, looking at Andrew with that stupid look on his face as they swapped stories, told each other harmless meaningless things that they discovered- Neil's favorite fruit was still strawberries but he moved blackberries to his second favorite fruit- and it would stay like this for the rest of their lives. He knew he had nothing to worry about.

So Andrew carefully sat up, determined not to disturb Neil or King, the both of them sleeping peacefully on Andrew's bed, in Andrew's room that had always held traces of Neil. But who need traces when he finally had he had the whole Neil? Andrew got out of bed and silently went downstairs to grab something for them to eat. Andrew wanted to spend the day together with just him and Neil and King, eat breakfast in bed because Mary never let Neil do that before, then maybe talk some more. Maybe he'd show Neil all the embroidery and crafts he had done. Maybe he’d finally gather the courage to bring out Neil’s old fox plushie and finally hand it back over. Maybe they'd go out, act like fools because that was certainly what Andrew was- a fool, a fool in love. They could do whatever the fuck they wanted.

Bee was up already, happily making breakfast for the three of them. Aaron hadn't come home for the weekend again. "Good morning, Andrew," Bee greeted with a gentle smile, her eyes rimmed red. 

Andrew nodded. He had no idea how his mom did it for all those years- what kind of guilt she must have been holding in while dealing with all of Andrew's issues. She was the only adult two broken kids could rely on and it must have felt like she failed both of them even if she didn't. She saved Andrew from a horrible life, and she helped Neil even years afterwards. Neil would be more fucked up, more deranged if not for Bee's gentle love for them both. But Andrew knew guilt didn't work like that- he had had his fair share of it over the years so he did know how hard it was. But Bee had to carry that all and still keep going, help more fucked up kids all the while this hung over her. She really was the greatest. "Morning mom." 

Bee piled on some pancakes onto a plate, chocolate chips and M&Ms filling the cooked batter. She handed it and a bottle of syrup to Andrew. "Did you sleep well?" She asked. 

"Yes." Andrew answered honestly. He slept better than he had in a very, very long time. There had been no nightmares plaguing him even with the body next to him in his bed. Even his subconscious seemed to know it was just Neil and that Neil would rather burn the world to the ground than hurt him. 

Bee's smile was too happy, too bright and full of hope and pride. "Good." She said. "Just remember that healing isn't always linear." 

"I know." Andrew agreed, having had bad and good days. Good times and bad. Having had periods of time with his brother that were near perfect to having periods where Andrew had never felt more alone. He knew all too well that things wouldn’t be just all good. "But he's back." 

Bee nodded. She reached out and gently cupped Andrew's face, her hands were soft and cakey with batter. "He's back." She agreed. "And you remember that, okay? He's back. This is real, not a dream." 

Andrew closed his eyes as he took in his mom's words. She wouldn't lie to him, not about this. She had never once lied to him about what his mind was coming up with- every horrible memory that got twisted up in nightmares or happy dreams that came crashing down on him when he woke up to reality. She wouldn't lie about this, she was offering a rock for Andrew to cling to when his mind played tricks on him. "It doesn't feel real." He admitted. It was like everything was in this hazy dreamlike state, even when he would hold Neil's hand it doesn't feel real sometimes. He found himself holding his breath, waiting for it to end because Neil was right across from him, smiling and breathing; and he never thought that would be possible again. 

"I know," Bee said. "I know but it's real. I promise it's real." 

Andrew opened his eyes, greeted to his mom's reassuring expression. "Yeah, it's real." 

Bee nodded and let go, ruffling Andrew's hair before turning back to the stove. Andrew huffed in annoyance, just to keep up his tough guy persona, and waited for Bee to stack more pancakes- strawberry and banana this time- onto a different plate. She handed him the plate with a knowing smile. "For Neil," she said. "You boys eat, then let me know what you want to do today. If you want, you boys can join me in picking out the seating arrangement for the wedding. Or work on some of the decorations." 

Andrew nodded, carefully balancing the plates and bottle of syrup. "We'll let you know, mom." He agreed. Bee just smiled brightly before ushering Andrew away, back to his room where the idiot of his dreams was still asleep. 

When Andrew finally managed to open the door, he saw Neil sitting up right in bed still wearing his bonnet, gently petting a very needy King in his lap. He had a smile on his face, soft and small, just for King and now Andrew to see. "I was worried she wouldn't remember me." He whispered, not looking up at Andrew. 

Andrew set the plates and bottle down on his bedside table, that was cluttered with embroidery necessities like tiny scissors, pin cushions, far too many needles each with a different color of thread threaded through them. He had been using his weekends to work on his mom's wedding dress as promised, practicing late into the night while daydreaming about something that was now right in front of him. "She wouldn't forget the person who saved her." Andrew told him. He sat down next to him, reaching out to scratch under King's chin, smiling ever-so-slightly at her enthusiastic purring. "Just like I wouldn't." 

Neil's face flushed, a beautiful red color that consumed his whole face and down his neck. Andrew wanted to grab him and kiss him. He looked up at Andrew, those never ending blue eyes peering right into his soul- a view Andrew could never get tired of. "Don’t give me so much credit, Drew." He said. "All I did was support you." 

"And make death threats." Andrew reminded him. He remembered each and every threat Neil made ever since they were small and didn't know better. Looking back on it, it should have been a sign of Neil's disturbed mindset but Andrew didn't care then or now. Neil's unique brand of support- of believing him- saved him more times than he could count. Just having Neil by his side helped him in so many ways. 

"Yeah, that too." Neil huffed.  "It’s not my fault they're fun to make." 

Andrew rolled his eyes. He was surprised that he wasn't surprised by Neil's little statement. Neil had always been a disturbed child. Whatever, Andrew still loved him. "Even if you think you didn't have that much of an impact doesn't mean it's true." Andrew told him, his hands inching to take Neil's own, to feel the weight and warmth of his hands and constantly remind himself that this was real. "So just shut up and let the cat attack you." 

Neil burst out laughing, a huge smile taking over his face. He leaned closer to Andrew, his bright blue eyes fixated on him. "Still the pinnacle of emotional maturity, Drew," he laughed and Andrew couldn't even be mad at him. He was just too cute that he could get away with anything. If he stabbed Andrew in the chest Andrew would legally be forced to forgive him. 

"Shut the hell up, you menace." Andrew ordered, his face too warm for so early in the morning. How dare Neil be so cute. 

Neil just grinned wider, making Andrew fall harder. He couldn’t believe he got to be around this idiot for the rest of their lives.

-

Andrew glared at his oh so loving sister, blocking her way into the house in an effort to save himself the embarrassment he knew he'd suffer at her hands. Renee had that annoying, smug smile on her face. She knew what he was doing, and she was going to be merciless. 

"Am I not allowed to enter my future step-mother's home?" Renee asked gently, in a way that made it seem like Andrew was the unreasonable one. 

"No." Andrew confirmed. Neil was inside, in Bee's craft room looking at some old photo albums. He knew what would happen if Renee joined them. He should have never told her anything.

"I’m hurt Andrew," Renee said not looking the least bit hurt. "I simply wish to see what my future step-mother has been planning." 

"I know why you're really here, Walker." Andrew said, narrowing his glare. 

"Now now, there's no need to be so hostile," Renee chuckled. "I’m just trying to be a good daughter." 

"Cut the crap," Andrew hissed. He wasn't going to fall for her sob story. He knew what she really wanted to do and that was to embarrass him. And he would not let her do that in front of Neil, not yet at least.

"Andrew!" Bee called out, no doubt wondering why Andrew was taking so long. "Is everything okay?" 

"Yes Andrew, is everything okay?" Renee asked. 

Andrew should ban her from his house. Fuck. He let out an annoyed huff and had no choice but to let her in. "Do not say a word." He warned. 

"That might be difficult." Renee chuckled. 

"I will throw you off the roof." 

Renee just smiled at him, it read on her face that she did not believe his very real threat. That would simply be her downfall when Andrew did push her off the roof. The two quickly joined Bee and Neil in the craft room, Andrew's heart beating a bit too fast at the sight of Neil happily looking through one of many photo albums with King draped around his shoulders like a purring scarf. One that got hair everywhere. She was lucky she was so cute.

Neil looked up when he heard Andrew come inside, a smile on his face that disappeared the moment he realized that Renee was right behind Andrew. "Oh." He said, his stare owlish and awkward. He looked too cute for Andrew to stand it. "Hi." 

Renee smiled widely, giving Neil a nod in greeting. "Hello, you must be Neil!" She said happily. Too happily. "We met briefly the other day." 

Neil blinked, and Andrew just knew that the idiot didn't remember anyone from the party. He was an idiot with tunnel vision and it warmed every part of Andrew's body, from the roots of his hair down to his toes. 

Bee chuckled. She had to know too how Neil would've reacted, having had to deal with them for years growing up. "Renee, it's wonderful to see you again." She greeted. "I just talked to your mom, she's hoping to finish packing this weekend!" 

"That’s wonderful!" Renee said. "It'll be great to set up my own room here." 

Neil looked at Andrew, an eyebrow arched. Andrew came to sit next to him, sneaking a peak at what which photo album he was looking at it- it was one of Bee's older ones, full of photos from her travels when she was younger. "Renee is my soon to be step-sister." He explained. He was sure he had explained this once before, but in fairness he had been rather distracted by all that was Neil. It was totally possible that Neil had been distracted too. 

Understanding dawned on Neil's face and he nodded, relaxing easily. He turned his attention back onto the photos out in front of him, King still happily occupying space like the attention whore she was. "Turns out your mom is really cool." He said, his fingers tracing one of the photos. It was of Bee standing in front of one of the ruins in Greece, smiling brightly at the camera. Or more accurately, the woman behind the camera. 

"I know," Andrew agreed, finding himself staring more at Neil than the photos. "Imagine how surprised I was to find out my mom was fucking cool." 

Neil gave a lopsided grin, propping up the photo album to hide it from everyone else. It was just for Andrew to see. "I’m sure it didn't shock you too badly, Drew." He said in that tone that always meant he was going to tease Andrew. Andrew couldn't even think of trying to shut him up, not when he was looking at Andrew like that. "You were always such a mama's boy." 

Andrew should kill him. That seemed like the right thing to do. Because it was that or pulling his stupid, cute face in for a kiss that would blow his mind apart. He loved this idiot so much. "Don’t make me shut you up." He warned. 

Neil didn't look threatened at all, he simply looked on at Andrew fondly. His fucking eyes, they could cause a war and Andrew would be on the front lines. "Okay, mama's boy." He teased. 

Andrew shoved a hand into Neil's face, unable to deal with his stupidity. He quickly pulled away when Neil, the fucking menace, licked his hand. It shouldn't have been alluring- it should have been disgusting actually- but it sent a shiver down Andrew's spine. His pants were getting tight. Fuck. He was a mess. 

Neil looked smug, unaware of the inner turmoil he just caused. "I can't believe Bee is getting married." He said, changing the subject before Andrew could scold him. It was for the best, before Andrew exploded. Neil peaked over the top of the photo album, and Andrew couldn't help but follow. He saw as Bee and Renee looked over paint samples for Renee's new room. They were going to set up Renee’s room in the upcoming weeks, but since her room was currently being used as a storage room it had to be cleaned out and make room in the basement craft room for everything- but once all of that was done and Stephanie was done with her work back in Chicago they would turn the bedroom/storage room into Renee's bed room. She was part of the family so even if she wouldn't live there much it would still be hers, styled to her tastes and full of her things. Andrew liked the idea more than he wanted to admit. 

"I somehow went from no mom to having two." Andrew told Neil. Renee was pointing to a light mint green sample, a smile on her face. It was innocent for now but Andrew knew she was just trying to make Andrew lower his guard. He wasn't fooled. 

"Hey," Neil nudged him, an evil smug look on his face. "Do you think pig Higgins is crying himself to sleep?" 

Andrew snorted, his body shaking with the want to laugh. He hadn't wanted that in so many years- only Neil could ever bring out that want in him. It was only ever Neil. And Andrew knew that his problems weren't solved, that the crash would come and he'd be reminded how broken he could be- but for now, he couldn't help the way his lips twitched upwards into the smallest of smiles that only Neil would ever be able to see. "A pig in a blanket, crying himself to sleep." He whispered. 

Neil lit up, leaning closer until their noses almost touched, his blue eyes shining with mischief and excitement. He was so close, breathing the same air as Andrew and looking at Andrew like he was the world. Andrew couldn't stand it. He wanted to close the gap, to finally feel what his lips felt like against his own. Neil's eyes fluttered, dropping down Andrew's face and lingering, the air warm and suddenly full of tension. Andrew felt hot all over as he moved closer, a shot of electricity ran through his body when their noses brushed against each other. They were so close. Just a bit closer and- 

SLAM  

Andrew jumped back, eyes wide. Neil flinched violently, gripping the table as his chest heaving and his eyes wide. Andrew looked over and saw- Renee . His oh so loving sister was smiling at him with a barely hidden evil look in her eyes, her hand holding down the photo album they had been using to cut themselves off from the world. 

"Sorry," Renee said without sounding remorseful at all. "I didn't mean to startle you, I simply needed my baby brother's opinion on something." 

Neil blinked rapidly, his eyes clearing of panic easily. He reached under the table, his fingers brushing against Andrew's thigh and Andrew was hopeless against him. Andrew took his hand in his, giving it a squeeze, a reminder that he wasn't with his mother anymore. He was home. Neil squeezed back. 

Andrew glared up at his sister, which only made her smile grow. He had been so close to- he didn't even know. He wasn't even sure if they would've kissed, or if one of them would've stopped it. But Renee interrupted them. This was payback. This was payback for all the times Andrew made fun of her and embarrassed her in front of her own crush. Andrew was going to kill her. "Die." 

"Now now, is that any way to be talking to your sister?" Renee asked. She held up in her other hand swatches of paint as if that would convince Andrew that she hadn't interrupted them to torture him. "I really do just need help picking out the color for my room." 

Neil looked between them, his eyes calculating like the shit disturber he was. He stood up whenever he had whatever answers he was looking for, giving Andrew's hand one last squeeze before he let go. "I’m going to get some snacks." He said, mostly to Andrew. "Want some ice cream?" 

"Of course I do." Andrew hissed out, still determined to glare at his very annoying sister. "Who do you think I am?" 

Neil huffed out something that Andrew knew was a laugh. He leaned closer, a smile playing on his lips but not quite forming. "Right, my bad," he said. "I should've known who I was talking to." 

Andrew waved him off, hoping to hide the way his face was flushed and his heart was beating too fast. Neil rolled his eyes fondly before he left, not even bothering to ask Renee if she wanted something. He was still the same asshole as he had always been. Fuck. Andrew wanted him. 

Renee, the evil witch who would very much regret her actions here today, swiftly took Neil's spot, a huge smile on her face. "So," she said in that tone of hers. "Neil." 

"Go die." Andrew answered. He wasn't going to tell her jackshit. She would just have to suffer like everyone else. 

Renee's smile didn't decrease, if anything it grew more smug. Where was Bee? She should be controlling her step-daughter. "I can see why you're so in love with him." 

"I regret the day I didn't kill you." Andrew sighed. He should've kept his mouth shut. Then he wouldn't be sitting here with his smug ass sister. Maybe he even would've kissed Neil. If that was what was going to happen before Renee ruined it. 

Renee chuckled, her hands playing with the paint samples she had. "There’s no need to be shy about it, Andrew." She said. "I get it- being in love is something magical and overwhelming. Im simply here to offer an ear." 

"I'd believe that if you hadn't just interrupted us." Andrew informed her. She was right- about being there to listen. She had listened to him as he told about Neil, about all the stupid things he did that made Andrew fall deeper and deeper in love with him. She listened when he called late at night and whispered to her about a nightmare. She was there for him in a way Bee sometimes couldn't, in a way Aaron definitely couldn't. But she still annoyed the ever living fuck out of him and ruined a moment just to tease him. 

"Well yes, but that was my big sister duty." Renee explained. "You understand, yes?" 

Andrew should shove her out of her seat. But Bee was in the room, so instead of risking a lecture, he kicked her shins. "Die." 

"Andrew," Bee scolded. She was cleaning up some of the fabric bits that were left over from whatever project she had been working on before Andrew came home. Her wedding dress was up on the mannequin, waiting for Andrew to finish it. He had even debated learning how to make lace to make his mom a veil but he didn't have enough time for that so his mom was just going to buy one. "Be nice to your sister." 

"Yeah Andrew," Renee whispered. "Be nice to your sister." 

"I should strangle you." Andrew hissed under his breath. 

Renee just laughed and suddenly all of Andrew's annoyance were gone. Annoyingly. He relaxed, slumping over the table, listening to his sister discuss the details of her new room, ignoring every jab she made about Andrew and Neil- her jokes about them would come back to haunt her when Andrew made her something incredibly embarrassing- and listened to his mom hum her favorite song to herself as she cleaned up the place to her standard. 

Neil returned, King still happily draped over his shoulders- Andrew was starting to worry that King would refuse to let Neil go ever again- with a bowl of strawberries in one hand and a bowl of ice cream in the other. He placed the ice cream bowl in front of Andrew and sat next to him, pressed up against him like it was the most natural thing in the world. And maybe it was, it certainly felt like it. 

Andrew grabbed his bowl of ice cream and slid it closer to him, glaring slightly at Neil and King. "Why the hell does our child like you more than me?" He demanded. King looked so happy on Neil's shoulders, non stop purring and her tail swishing happily against Neil's arm. The shoulders were her second favorite place to lay, her favorite when she decided that walking was too much work and she was to be carried by her lowly servants- but she really looked like she was never going to leave that spot. Traitor. After all he did for her.

Neil shrugged slowly, careful not to disturb the cat with sharp claws perched there. "Hm, I think I’m just the favorite." He said, with this stupidly cute expression on his stupidly cute face. 

Andrew simply jabbed his spoon into the ice cream- mint chocolate, his favorite- and glared at his traitorous cat. Although, he could understand- Neil was just that amazing. He too would attach himself to Neil if he could. "Wow," he deadpanned. "After all I've done for her, she chooses you." 

"Like you're any better." Renee said just loud enough for Andrew to hear. Andrew didn't even look at her as he kicked her shins again. He would keep doing that. To make a point. 

Neil's smile was just for Andrew, sappy and yet still with hints of mischief because he could never help himself. "Yes what a shame, huh?" 

Andrew couldn’t help but lean closer, blindly shoving ice cream into his mouth because he couldn't fucking stop looking at Neil. He was just too fucking pretty. It had been the same as when they were kids- Andrew could never keep his eyes off Neil no matter what he was doing and it was the same now. He hoped it stayed like that for the rest of their lives, that Neil would let him stare even if their relationship never got past whatever it was they were now. He'd be happy with that, because then at least Neil was in his life. 

"Wow, you really are a simp!" Renee laughed, ruining the fucking moment. Oh, Andrew was going to make her life hell , mark his words he was. 

Except, Neil started laughing, bright and free. His shoulders shook with his laughter that sounded better than anything Andrew had ever heard. His bright blue eyes fixated on Andrew and any annoyance Andrew had was gone. Renee could live for another day it seemed. 

Chapter Text

Neil's hand was warm, it was warm and firm. It wasn't soft and squishy like it had been eight years ago, but Andrew didn't mind. How could he? He was holding Neil's hand, walking across campus. Because Neil was really alive and he came back to Andrew. It was still surreal, even after it had been over a week since he came back. Maybe that was why, even as Neil talked about the advanced calculus class he was taking, all Andrew could do was stare at him. All of Neil's math talk went in one ear and out the other, always had, and this was no different. Andrew had no idea what Neil was talking about but he loved how he said it. He loved the way Neil's voice got faster, more joyful and light as he talked about something he loved. It was almost enough for Andrew to love it too. He couldn't hate anything that made Neil so happy, especially after Mary had taken it all away from him at one point. 

"Anyways, I told the teacher that if she couldn't understand how wrong she was to use a plus sign in the equation then I'd be happy to put some of it into theory and we could watch the world explode together." Neil said. He was always a terror for his teachers. For any adult really. He always had to fight and argue with the dumb people of the world and more often than not left the mess to Andrew to clean up. Or maybe that was Andrew's doing, never wanting anyone to ever put their hands on Neil and more than happy to help Neil terrorize society. It was impossible to say, really. 

Andrew hummed, not understanding a thing, just understanding that he was so gay. Fuck was he gay for this man. 

Neil looked at Andrew like he just told him that he found a pile of strawberries, his eyes lit up and so open for Andrew to know every stupid thought he had. "It would be fun," he said. "To blow something up." 

Andrew hummed again. He was too willing to do whatever Neil wanted. One might say it was a problem but Andrew wasn't one of those people. He just got Neil back from hell, he was going to do whatever Neil wanted to make up for what happened to him. "Still disturbed." He sighed, far too fondly than what he wanted. Whatever. Who cared? He was probably making heart eyes at Neil, stupid and oblivious Neil. He wanted to kiss him so bad. 

Neil glared at Andrew and Andrew supposed if he was anyone else he'd be intimidated by it but all Andrew could think was that Neil was adorable and so kissable. "I told you Drew I was not disturbed!" He defended. It wasn't a good defense against a man with an eidetic memory. 

"Remember the time you chased our third grade teacher with a pair of safety scissors?" Andrew asked. He did remember that day, the teacher had said that Neil had smelled badly and needed to be hosed down in the parking lot. So Neil, ever the pacifist, grabbed the safety scissors Andrew had been using to cut out hearts for their wedding invitations and chased the teacher around the room, screaming violent threats in their secret language. All as Andrew yelled at him to stop because he wanted to finish his design and he needed those damn scissors. The only reason Neil never got in trouble was because Bee pointed out how racist it was to tell a child, who had just had lunch of traditional foods, that they smelled. Bee always had the power to sway adults into doing her biding. It was like magic when they were small, helpless children. 

"Well she deserved it!" Neil huffed, getting cuter by the second. "It’s not my fault that that white canary looking bitch has never smelt a spice stronger than black pepper." 

"Of course not." Andrew agreed. "However, a normal, undisturbed child would have simply gone to Bee. Maybe cried or yelled. Not chase her with scissors threatening to gut her." 

Neil didn't look remorseful at all, just annoyed at being called out. He rarely cared for other people growing up and after all this time, Andrew was still going to put this all on Mary. She should have guided him like Bee did for Andrew. But at the end of the day it wasn't like Andrew was much better and he truly didn't care if Neil had a selective empathy. "That doesn't prove anything." He defended. "Just because I’m efficient doesn't mean I was disturbed." 

Andrew huffed, tugging Neil closer, hands still holding on tight. "Remember all of those murder plots again the Pig?" 

"You helped!" Neil rightfully argued, throwing his free hand up in the air as he scowled at Andrew. "If I was disturbed you were too." 

"Sure." Andrew didn't mind. He knew he was disturbed too, far from a normal child. He just hadn't been so vocal about it. Unlike Neil who used his words like weapons, Andrew was a silent force that backed him up. 

Neil, obviously not pleased with Andrew's quick agreement, huffed. He was doing a weird half pout half glaring thing and if he thought that that would get Andrew to drop this he was absolutely correct. 

"Stop pouting menace," Andrew said, all his focus on Neil next to him. He didn't care that technically, Neil wasn't supposed to be on campus when he wasn't a student. He didn't care that they might push people aside or run into them. He just cared about Neil. "I’ll take you clothes shopping later." 

"You only want to do that because you hate my wardrobe." Neil once again rightfully accused. But in Andrew's fairness, it was total shit. He wasn't sure who bought Neil's wardrobe but it wasn't Neil at all. It seemed someone tried to curve Neil's horrible fashion instincts by buying Neil nice, expensive clothes. And sure, Andrew liked to see Neil dressed up but it made him look like some rich frat bro and Andrew wouldn't have that. Plus, there weren't a wide range of clothes and colors (most likely to curb Neil's atrocious color matching abilities). So Andrew was going to be a useful gay for once and get him some clothes that Neil actually liked. 

"Are you saying you don't want me to buy you some skirts?" Andrew asked, knowing exactly what kind of answer he was going to get. 

Neil's eyes lit up, the pouting ceased and hesitant excitement replaced it. "Will you?" He asked nervously. That wouldn't do. Neil should know that even if he asked Andrew to help him hide a body the only answer Andrew would ever be able to give him was a clear yes. 

"Have I ever lied to you, bunny?" Andrew asked. 

Neil's smile was small and shy, his face flushing slightly and it completely captivated Andrew. "No, you haven't." He said. 

"Even if you want the ugliest skirt in the store I'll buy it for you." Andrew might be giving himself away but he didn't care. He was going to make sure Neil was comfortable, knew he was loved and absolutely spoiled rotten. 

Neil huffed out a laugh, swinging their connected hands obnoxiously like when they were kids. "I’ll try not to pick out the ugliest one." He teased. "Wouldn't want to fuck up the impeccable style you've got going on." 

"Fuck you this is fashion ." Andrew gestured to his all black outfit, decked out in silver chains, rings, armbands and combat boots. It was peak fashion, not like someone like Neil would know. 

Neil looked Andrew up and down, his beautiful blue eyes lingering on Andrew's chest and arms. It made the tips of Andrew's ears feel warm. "Yeah." He agreed. "You’re definitely a fashionista, Drew." 

Andrew huffed, ignoring how warm his face felt. It was irrelevant. Definitely irrelevant. "Of course I am." He agreed. "Not that you'd know shit about it." 

Neil rolled his eyes in a fond manner, about to open his stupidly kissable mouth to say something annoying no doubt when they got rudely interrupted. 

"Andrew!" Aaron yelled. He was coming towards them at a breakneck speed. 

Andrew was filled with the sudden urge to make a break for it. He still didn't want to have this conversation with Aaron, he had been avoiding it and had plans to continue to avoid it for as long as he could. But now his brother was racing towards them and Neil was fast enough to out run him but Andrew certainly wasn't. It seemed that this chat was happening, Andrew couldn't avoid it any longer. 

Aaron came to a stop in front of them, hands on his knees as he caught his breath. Andrew looked over at Neil, an understanding passing through them when their eyes met. Neil's face was schooled into a blank expression as he looked back at Aaron. It wasn't loving or full of affection, it wasn't anything like how he looked at Andrew and something in Andrew settled. Neil would always be on his side, even when faced with Andrew's identical twin. 

Aaron stood up straight, his chest still heaving as he took deep breaths, his eyes boring a hole into Andrew's face like that would make him speak. It hadn't before and it wouldn't now. "Are you going to finally talk to me?" He demanded. 

Neil's face twitched, his grip on Andrew's hand tightening and Andrew felt his anger rise. Neil always had a temper, especially when it came to others attacking Andrew. It was nice, knowing that it was still there. That under all of the new trauma, Andrew's Neil was still there and ready to fight. 

"What’s there to talk about?" Andrew asked, a force calm in his voice. His eyes flickering back and forth between Aaron and Neil. He wasn't ready to know what Aaron thought of him, of how he felt about Neil because he knew his emotions were written so clearly on his face. 

Aaron's face twisted further with annoyance and anger, like he couldn't believe that Andrew was being so difficult even after knowing him for so long. He looked at Neil, then at Andrew. Andrew couldn't read his face. "About this." He said, gesturing to where Andrew was holding onto Neil's hand with a death grip. 

Andrew refused to let go. He wasn't ashamed of his sexuality, he had no plans on hiding it anymore. He may not be ready to know what Aaron thought of him but he wasnt going to fucking hide himself. 

"What about it?" Andrew asked, his voice a forced calm as his heart beat against his chest. It was okay. He had Neil again, and he would have time to work things out with Aaron. Neil wouldn't let Andrew keep the current situation between stay put. He was always meddling and meddling and frustratingly right- he would make sure Andrew at least gave it a shot. 

Aaron looked, for a lack of a better word, constipated, staring down at where Andrew was gripping onto Neil's hand. Andrew still couldn't read what was on Aaron's face, what he was thinking but he had to be fine with it. "Anything." Aaron said, his voice softer, less demanding than it had been before. "Literally anything . I mean- you don’t tell me shit and you act like you’re into Renee and then this random ass dude shows up and you suddenly become this person I've never fucking seen before." 

Andrew resisted the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose. Was Aaron truly still on about the Renee thing? How stupid did he have to be to still think that? 

Neil was rolling his eyes, because he knew even when they were children that Andrew would never be into a girl. It looked like he wanted to say something, probably something biting and cruel if the twitching of his lips was anything to go by. And Andrew almost let him. It would be so easy to give up on this conversation with Aaron, to let Neil end it with his smart mouth that Andrew wanted to spend his days lazily kissing. 

"If you still think that about me and Renee then there's no hope for you." Andrew told Aaron, unable to keep his face blank. His annoyance, his exasperation on display for Aaron to clearly see. 

"Then maybe instead of leaving me to guess who you are you should tell me." Aaron argued back. He turned his attention onto Neil and Andrew couldn't help the sinking feeling in his gut. He didn't want to hear anything bad about Neil coming from Aaron's mouth- he didn't want to hear Aaron attack Neil out of ignorance or some kind of feeling of jealousy or inferiority. He didn't want someone with his face being one of the people who disparage Neil. "You could fucking start with telling me who the hell this guy is." 

Andrew looked at Neil, catching his gaze instantly because it seemed like even after all of this time Neil could still predict Andrew's actions to what should be a scarily accurate degree. All it really did was make Andrew feel known. Neil's eyes were soft for him, promising support no matter what Andrew does or say. Andrew could chose to run away from this conversation and Neil would lead them through a perfectly crafted getaway route. 

"This is Neil," Andrew told Aaron, against the lump in his throat. The one that had been there for at least five years, always preventing him from telling Aaron anything about Neil. He had been afraid of what Aaron would say, afraid that Aaron too would disappear, and he couldn't risk losing his brother too. But he was an adult now, he had Neil and he knew now that he had forever to figure out his relationship with his brother. There wasn't a need to be so secretive about everything. "He's my best friend." 

Neil gave Andrew a quick blink and miss it smile, one that made Andrew's knees wobble. It was a reminder that Neil was so much more than Andrew's best friend- he was the boy he had been in love with for the majority of his life, the one person he trusted to have his back under any circumstances. He was so much more than just a friend, words couldn't even begin to describe it. 

"What the fuck?" Aaron asked, his jaw nearly on the floor. "I’ve never- who the fuck is he?! You've never mentioned him once but he’s your best friend? He just appears one day and suddenly you're besties?" 

"Ew," Neil wrinkled his nose in disgust and all Andrew wanted to do was kiss it. "Don’t use that word, we're not thirteen." 

"This coming from the man with the emotional maturity of an unripe strawberry." Andrew quipped. He resisted the urge to smirk when Neil glared at him, his annoyance rolling off of him in waves at Andrews slight hypocrisy. 

"Says the man who's grand plan to deal with a guy trying to woo his mom was to murder him with a t-rex." 

Andrew turned his whole body to face Neil, ready and willing to argue all day with him, until Neil couldn't fight the smile anymore and they burst out laughing like they did as children. "That was your idea, Neil." He reminded him. "You’re the one who wanted to night at the museum that shit." 

"Nu uh," Neil shook his head. He poked Andrew's shoulder with his free hand, his touch light and warm, lingering even after he pulled away. Andrew, for once in his life, didn't want someone's touch to leave him. "That was your idea, Drew." 

"Drew?!" Aaron interrupted. "He has a fucking nickname for you?" 

Andrew looked away from Neil, a very hard thing to do indeed, to look at his brother. Betrayal and anger written so clearly on his face. "Of course he does." He said. "Like I said hes my best friend." 

"Oh yeah?" Aaron asked, his voice bordering on hysterical. A hand ran through his hair, messing it up more than the running had done. "You've never mentioned this guy, ever; he’s never showed up before and there’s never been anything to say he's ever existed and you want me to believe he’s your best friend? Without telling me anything else?" 

Andrew could admit he should have probably told Aaron more about him, but it wasn't like Aaron had given him many reasons to trust him with something so fundamental to who Andrew was. Aaron didn't know about his last foster family, he didn't know how he truly ended up in Bee's home, he didn't know anything about the small, crying boy he had found in his hiding spot covered in bruises. He didn't even know that Andrew was gay, even when Andrew gave him all the clues in the world. 

"You’re brother is very demanding Drew." Neil said quietly, the hidden disdain only audible to Andrew. Neil knew how Andrew felt about people demanding things from him, remembered all of the violent reactions he had when adults tried to take from him. Even against Andrew's twin brother Neil was going to staunchly defend Andrews boundaries. "We don't have to listen to this." It was an out for Andrew, to leave this unproductive conversation and regroup. And Andrew was too weak to resist it. 

"Aaron," Andrew sighed. "There’s too much to explain and I’m not fucking doing it out in the open." 

Aaron blinked, then looked around like he finally noticed that they were in the middle of a pathway with students walking around them and shooting them curious and dirty looks. He looked back at Andrew, his hands balled into fists. "And?" 

Andrew took a deep breath so he wouldn't smack some common sense into his brother. "And," he said slowly. "I’m going to go fix Neil's atrocious wardrobe-" 

"Fuck you, Drew," Neil interjected. 

Andrew ignored him and pressed onward. "And we're going to sit down and fucking talk, with mom mediating." He said. It's what he should have done a while ago. He should have brought him mom into this years ago, anxiety be damned. She would be able to guide their conversation into something productive, help Aaron see things from Andrew’s side and help Andrew keep himself grounded. They would hash this all out and take the necessary steps forward, when neither of them were worked up or caught off guard. 

"When?" Aaron demanded, hiking his backpack up on his shoulders. 

"This weekend." Andrew promised. "We'll go home and talk." 

Aaron narrowed his eyes at him, suspicion radiating off of him. Andrew let him look for whatever answers he was looking for, because he knew he wasn't running away from this conversation. He was being mature and reasonable and he was ready to do this. "Fine." Aaron eventually said. "But if you bail-" 

"I won’t." Andrew promised. It was still annoying that Aaron did not believe his promises, that he fought and questioned them until the bitter end. But, maybe now his luck had changed enough that that too would end. That they could have an actual brotherly relationship that didn't start and end in explosive fights and reluctant apologies. 

Neil tugged on Andrew's hand, gathering all of Andrew's attention. "Come on, Drew," his voice was sugary sweet but Andrew heard the hidden annoyance in it. "Let’s go. We can make a fort like we used to do and watch movies. It'll be fun." 

Andrew couldn't help but let Neil drag him away. Honestly, this man would have the easiest time murdering him if he wanted that because Andrew would follow him into the deepest parts of the woods where no one would hear him scream. "You mean I can make the fort while you convince me your stupid ideas are actually genius." He corrected.

"Fuck you Drew, they are!" Neil argued, his lips twitching slightly upwards. When they were kids he would just burst out in laughter, forcing Andrew to join in. 

"They weren't, Neil." Andrew said. He turned back once, to look at his brother, catching his eye as he stared after him. His eyes were full of emotions that Andrew couldn't figure out. But it would be fine, because when the weekend came they would finally sit down and finally talk all of this out like they should have done so many years ago. They'll probably fight and argue, Bee would probably have to make them take time outs but it would all be worth it at the end when Andrew could finally have a normal relationship with his brother.

-

Andrew did, in fact, end up building the whole fort by himself, using all of the expensive blankets Neil had just laying around his apartment (that he hardly ever used, always preferring to stay with Andrew in his dorm). Neil himself had been absolutely useless at anything but being eye candy, standing off to the side watching while trying to convince Andrew he was helping by pointing out 'mistakes'. Andrew had thrown a pillow at him, because it was that or shoving him up against a wall and kissing him until he forgot his name. 

But finally it was done, there were blankets hanging from the ceiling using duct tape as per Neil's instructions, and the walls were held up by couch cushions draped in blankets and of course the floor of their fort was the softest blanket Neil owned. Neil set up the TV, with a single comment from Andrew about his surprise at Neil's ability to turn a TV on, and pulled up Disney plus. He didn't even ask and just put on Aladdin and Andrew wanted to kill him right then and there. How dare he remember Andrew's favorite movie and fill his whole body with warmth with just a few clicks of a button. 

Neil, the idiot, didn't even notice the inner turmoil brewing inside of Andrew and simply laid down next to him. 

Andrew looked at him, at the curve of his nose, at the sharp lines of his jaw, at the way his eye lashes were long and beautiful. He studied every single detail of this man's face, comparing it to the one he held in his memories of the boy he used to be. His nose was larger, the bump of the bridge of his nose was larger, a little skewed like it had been broken and hastily set at one point- and knowing what he did about Mary, Andrew wasn't too surprised. She should be lucky she was already dead because the death Andrew had had planned for her was ten times worse than anything she could have imagined in that fucked up brain of hers. 

Neil turned, looking away from the TV to look at Andrew, his eyes shimmering with bad ideas that Andrew would still do with him. "Hi," he said quietly and yet still the only thing Andrew could hear. The movie disappearing, not even becoming background noise. 

"Hi." Andrew whispered back. So similar, yet so different to their sleepovers as kids. They were no longer small, scared kids but grown adults who somehow managed to survive situations no one should've had to. 

"If you had three wishes, what would you wish for?" Neil asked. 

To kiss you stupid. Was Andrew's first and only thought. He had what he could have ever had wanted- he had a mom, he had his brother, he had a sister, he had King and a future, and of course he had Neil. He didn’t need anything more, they could be just friends for the rest of their lives and that would be enough for Andrew. Anything past what he had was wishful thinking. It was testing a cruel universe. "For you to shut your dumb ass mouth." He said instead. 

Neil snorted, his nose scrunching up in a way that could only be called cute. His smile was playful, full of affection for Andrew and Andrew couldn’t look away, not that he'd want to even if he could. "You know that'll never happen." He said. "Even with a Genie's help." 

"Don’t I know it." Andrew agreed. There would be nothing that could shut Neil up, not magic, not bribes. Nothing. It was part of why Andrew loved it. 

Neil turned fully on his side, completely facing Andrew and giving him all of his attention. "You have two more wishes, Drew." He said. "What else do you wish for?" 

Andrew had nothing else he wanted. He was perfectly happy with all the things he never thought he'd ever have. Neil coming back was his final wish and he miraculously got it, no need to tempt fate again. "I already have it all." He said. "You came back." 

Neil's eyes widened for just a second, his skin darkening in a blush, then softened as he scooted further. "Yeah, I'm back." He promised. 

Andrew nodded as he continued to shamelessly stare at Neil, memorizing everything about his face. "You are." He agreed. 

Neil shuffled closer again, until there was just an inch between them now. He was so close, Andrew could just lean forward and capture his lips in his own. "Do you know what I’d wish for?" He asked quietly, like if he spoke any louder the spell would break and they'd suddenly be far apart from each other again. 

"What?" 

Neil fluttered his eyelashes, his gaze dropping down to Andrew’s lips, lingering before bringing them back up to Andrew’s eyes. "I’d wish for you to kiss me." 

Andrew froze, his body immediately lighting on fire. He felt like he was going to explode. He was going to die right there and then. He was no doubt red from the tips of his ears down to his toes. His insides were fire, burning him up entirely as he stared at Neil in complete disbelief, unsure if what he heard was really what Neil said. He was known to imagine things when it came to Neil, to have such realistic dreams he feared he was going insane. This had to be one of those instances. Because if not, then Neil truly did want to kiss him. "Neil," was all Andrew could get out through the lump in his throat. 

"Yes Drew?" Neil asked innocently, like he didn't turn the world upside down with a single sentence. 

"Repeat that." Andrew demanded. He had to know if what Neil said was real or if he was going crazy again. 

Neil's expression was a weird, cute mix of shy and smug. He looked Andrew in the eyes, his blue eyes hypnotic and beautiful. "I said: I'd wish for you to kiss me, Drew." 

Andrew’s breath was stolen from his lungs, the world was tilting unnaturally and time came to a stop. The fire burned and burned inside of him, warm and pleasant but spirkled with nerves that he should have been rid of by now. He kissed dozens of guys, even sucked some of them off- but none of them were Neil . Neil who knew him in and out; Neil who knew his deepest darkest secrets; Neil who loved him at his lowest; Neil who was looking at him right now like he was the greatest thing in the whole wide world. "You want to kiss me." Andrew said slowly, the words foreign on his tongue but so exciting. 

Neil nodded slowly, biting his lips- a sight that would have brought Andrew to his knees if he had been standing. "Yeah," he said. "Thought I was making it pretty obvious." 

Andrew thought back to that day in his mother's craft room, where they had slowly leaned in almost to the point of kissing. He remembered how Neil looked at him, his lips, and leaned in like there was some magnetic spell pulling them together. Andrew had to slap himself. He had to shake himself stupid for thinking it was just them getting caught up in the moment. He was so fucking stupid. 

"We don't have too." Neil said, suddenly shy and unsure. Never something Neil should ever be. He was a raging fire of chaos, always sure of whatever borderline illegal activities he was plotting. He was not unsure of himself, not for anyone and especially not for Andrew. "I’m sure you've-" 

Andrew reached out, taking Neil's face into his hands to force the idiot to look at him. "Whatever stupid thing you're thinking about stop it." He demanded. He brushed his forehead against Neil's, his heart nearly beating out of his chest and his face on fire. "The only person I've ever wanted to kiss is you." 

Neil's eyes widened for a moment, full of surprise at the admission, before they shimmered with too much smugness for an asshole about to be kissed stupid. "Oh?" He asked with a smirk playing on his lips. Lips Andrew was going to get to kiss. "Really?" 

"Shut up." Andrew demanded, his face warm as all hell. 

"Make me," Neil whispered, his eyes fluttering close. And who was Andrew to deny that? 

Andrew finally, fucking finally, closed the distance between them, slotting their lips together in a kiss that he had imagined for so many years. None of his fantasies could compare to it, to the way Neil's breath hitched and he completely melted against Andrew; to the way Andrew’s heart beat so fast and so loud he was sure he was going to die; to the way Neil's lips slotted perfectly against his own as they kissed and kissed and kissed, completely ignoring their need for air. 

Andrew sighed into the kiss, a hand venturing down to cup the back of Neil's neck, desperately wanting to pull him closer, closer than anyone had ever been. It was Neil's rightful place, only ever for Neil. Neil let out a soft moan that nearly destroyed Andrew, his hands clenching the blanket draped over them so tightly Andrew could vaguely hear the fabric ripping. 

Andrew pulled away, seeing Neil's eyes flutter open and the dazed, fucked look on his beautiful face- that was because of Andrew . 

"Andrew," Neil said breathlessly, chasing after Andrew's lips like he would die if they didn't start kissing again. 

Andrew felt the same, he wanted to kiss Neil until his last breath. But, he also wanted Neil's hands on him- in a limited way for now but one day he'd give Neil everything. "Put your hands in my hair." He said, completely out of breath. But who needed breathing? "Just my hair, don't pull." 

Neil nodded rapidly, his hands flying to bury themselves in Andrew's hair. He didn't pull or tug, he gently buried them in Andrew's hair and wasted no time using this to his advantage to press his lips against Andrew's again. 

Andrew kissed him back immediately, the weight of Neil's lips against his becoming completely addictive. Neil kissed like his life was on the line, enthusiastic and sloppy, desperate but pouring over with affection. Andrew kissed him like he was water and he was a man dying in the desert. He kissed Neil with years of love and worship. Their movie was long forgotten, each of them preferring to get lost in each other and let the world outside of them disappear without a single fucking care. 

Later they would whisper things that could only be described as sweet nothings to each other, figure out what to do now- Andrew would tell Neil that they had always been each other's persons and Neil would agree with him and kiss him until they forgot who they were outside of each other. But for now, they would kiss and kiss and kiss like it was the last time they ever would even as they knew they had forever to kiss each other.

Chapter Text

Andrew stared up at his ceiling, his thoughts racing a mile a minute, his best friend and life partner laying completely still next to him in bed. So much had happened to him in just a few weeks and in the morning he would have to have a serious conversation with his brother about everything. He would be telling Aaron nearly everything in an effort to rebuild their relationship, the one that had too many downs and not nearly enough ups. But he couldn't sleep. He knew he should, that it would make him more coherent but he couldn't. So instead he stared at the glow-in-the-dark stars that decorated his ceiling as Neil slept disturbingly still next to him. He hadn't always been like that, as kids he would kick Andrew all night before somehow ending up octopused to Andrew or a pillow. This new development, one of many, had to be as a result of Mary. Andrew didn't like the implications. 

"I can feel you staring at me." Neil whispered, still not moving an inch. Andrew could barely tell he was breathing he was so still. 

"You’re a still sleeper." Andrew whispered back, the stars on his ceiling long forgotten in favor for staring at Neil's back, counting the ridges of his spine. He was too skinny. 

"Yeah." Neil said, resignment heavy in his voice. "She made me sleep in the same bed as her- to protect me she said. She made sure I was a still sleeper." 

Andrew gripped the sheets hard enough to turn his knuckles white, anger flowing through him at every mention of Mary's abuse. The only solace he could ever get was that she was dead and gone, she could never hurt Neil or separate them again. 

"It’s not that bad." Neil shrugged, his body tense. Andrew wanted to reach out and smooth out that tension, but he knew better than to touch someone on edge. Especially one not looking at him. "It’s the least of her crimes." 

"But still one of them." Andrew said. He wouldn't let Neil downplay Mary's actions, her attempts to destroy everything that was inherently Neil. Mary ruined their childhood, she ripped them apart and hurt Neil in unforgivable ways and she would be remembered as such. Andrew didn't give a shit if she was sick, she hurt Neil and that was unforgivable. 

Neil turned around slowly, his features covered in darkness but Andrew had them memorized so it didn't matter. He stared at Andrew with a seemingly blank stare, his hand resting between them on the pillow just begging for Andrew to take it into his own. "I’m not downplaying what she did." He said. "I’m just saying it was far from the worst." 

Andrew didn't want to know, but he had to know. He had to know everything that woman did to the love of his life so he could make sure he gave Neil all the support he needed. And to know if he had to dig Mary's corpse up and set it on fire for a second time, burn it to ashes and toss them into a dumpster. He reached out, hovering his hand over Neil's until Neil nodded his permission to take it. He gripped Neil's hand tightly, giving Neil an anchor he could always cling to. "You don't have to tell me everything." He whispered. 

"I know." Neil nodded, eyes fixated on their hands. "I don't think I could talk about it all at once anyways." 

"I’m not asking you to." Andrew promised. 

"I know." Neil said again. His grip on Andrew's hand was tight and Andrew knew he was as scared as he was to be separated again. "She tried to tell me things you know, about you." 

Andrew wanted to roll his eyes. He knew very well what Mary thought of him, how she looked at him like he was the dirt on her shoes. She never liked him from the beginning. Maybe she knew that Neil loved Andrew more than her and her fucked up brain couldn’t handle that, or more likely she was like every other fucking adult who looked at him like that. He still didn't understand why. "She always had a lot to say about me." He reminded him. 

Neil shook his head. "This was different." He said. He reached out with his other hand and Andrew took it, intertwining their fingers in a way adults had once described as obnoxious. "She tried to tell me you were killed by my father, or working for him. Sometimes she said you weren't even real. That I should let go of you because you never existed." 

Andrew sucked in a sharp breath, the words pooling coldly in his stomach. He had that same worry himself, that Neil hadn't been real and everything they experienced together was all made up in his head. It was hard enough going through that when he had support, someone who he trusted to tell him that no, Neil was real and he wasn't crazy; he couldn't imagine how he would've gotten through it without Bee. He couldn't imagine how Neil survived that. "I am very real, Neil." He promised. He was real, and Neil was real. They were really laying on Andrew's bed, under a bunch of glow-in-the-dark stars, holding hands and breathing and alive. 

"I know." Neil promised. "I never believed her before, there was no reason to believe her then. It was delusion after delusion, nothing she said was based in reality. She'd hit me and say it was my father. She'd lock me inside some shitty apartment because people were supposedly after us. All of what she said wasn't real, so why would anything she said about you be?" 

Andrew wanted to hold Neil in his arms, to hold him close and never let him go. He'd let Neil kick him in his sleep, steal all the blankets and pillows. He'd even let him kick him onto the cold hard ground and the only thing he'd do about that was kiss Neil in the morning. "So you can use that brain of yours for something other than death threats?" He tugged Neil closer, until they were so close they could feel the each other's breaths. 

"Fuck you," Neil said, the smallest of smiles on his face. "I use my brain for lots of things." 

"Yeah, like murder plots." Andrew said. He wanted to kiss Neil, to give him another anchor to hold onto. Something new but increasingly familiar to them. Neil let out an indignant huff with a roll of his eyes but his shoulders weren't tense anymore, his grip on Andrew's hands weren't a death grip anymore. They still had lots to relearn about each other, many things to dissect and discover, and traumas to unpack but they could take their time with it. They had the rest of their lives to do so. 

"I love you, Drew." Neil whispered, a secret between them that they've always known since they were kids. "You were what kept me alive." 

Andrew brushed his lips against Neil's, a ghost of a kiss that he would give Neil soon. "I love you too, Neil." He whispered. "I thought about you every day." 

"Such a sap." Neil whispered, pressing his lips against Andrew’s in a real kiss before he could retaliate. 

Anything Andrew could've said melted away. He knew there would be nights where they woke up screaming, or days when touch was impossible. It wouldn’t be all happy and the honeymoon period of being back together was slowly wearing off but Andrew didn’t give a fuck. They would work through it together. Andrew kissed back, throwing everything into the kiss, determined to convey all of his feelings into it. As he moved his lips against Neil's all he could think about was that one day soon he was going to marry this man.

-

The silence was tense, the only sound Andrew could hear was the harsh beating of his heart against his rib cage. He wanted to leave. He wanted to go back upstairs and waste the day away with Neil as he worked on his mom's wedding dress. He didn't want to be sitting in a stilted and tense silence with his brother as the seconds ticked by. But, even though it was uncomfortable peeling back the layers he built up to protect himself, he wanted to do this. He wanted to have a proper relationship with his twin brother and to do that they had to sit down and talk to each other. 

Bee handed Andrew a cup of overly sweet hot chocolate and Aaron a cup of coffee full of sugar and creamer. She sat down at the head of the table with her own tea, a silent presence that would be there to guide the conversation and calm them down when things inevitably got heated. 

Andrew took a bite out of the mountain of whipped cream a top his hot chocolate before it melted, licking the excess off his face. He thought back to when he and Neil were kids, coloring peacefully in Bee's office. Neil would always eat the whipped cream and cherries whenever Bee added them then hand it off to Andrew to drink. He would say it was too sweet with a cute wrinkle of his nose. Andrew wondered if he still disliked sweets and if he was still willing to trade sweets for fruit when no one was looking. 

Aaron didn't take a sip of his coffee, instead gripping the mug tightly in his grasp as he stared intently at Andrew. It seemed Andrew would have to speak first. 

Andrew set the mug on the table, the kitten painted on it smiling at him. It was so stupid. "Go ahead, ask me whatever it is you want to know." He said, his voice more calm than he felt. He felt like bursting from his body and having his soul return to Neil where it belonged. 

"Who the fuck is Neil?" Aaron asked, his voice harsh like he was fighting his own control. 

Bee said nothing about the cursing, simply sipping her tea while keeping an eye on the both of them. Andrew had seen her work before- granted it was mostly at Neil who always managed to be somewhat cryptic to pretty much everyone but Andrew- and he knew her tells. She was carefully paying attention even if it didn't look like she was. 

"Neil is my best friend." Andrew said. He carefully kept his eyed on the kitten on his mug as he forced the next words out of his throat. It was finally time to be honest with Aaron even if it still terrified him. "And he’s also my partner." 

Bee absolutely lit up, her smile bright and blinding for a moment there. In fairness, she had to watch Andrew obliviously pin after his best friend for years. She even had to explain to him that he was gay and in love with Neil. So this was just her efforts paying off. It was still embarrassing and Andrew was just glad that she couldn't really do anything right, but he knew she would tell him something later. 

Aaron on the other hand looked conflicted. He stared at Andrew, like he could find all the answers to his questions like that. "So," he said slowly. "You’re..." 

"Gay?" Andrew offered. He took another sip of his hot chocolate, like always it was made to his exact tastes. "Yes, I am." 

Aaron let out a long breath, running his hand through his hair. He stared down at the table, the silence between them louder than any kind of noise they could attempt to make. 

Andrew waited. He had questions himself but this was about answering Aaron's questions. He was letting Aaron peel back the layers he put up himself. 

"Fuck," Aaron muttered mostly to himself. 

Andrew resisted the urge to stand up and leave. Even if the idea of going upstairs to be bothered by Neil sounded so much better than listening to whatever it was Aaron had to say about his sexuality. 

"I’m sorry." Aaron said, looking at Andrew with big pitiful eyes. 

Andrew froze, staring at Aaron with surprise and confusion. Out of everything Aaron could've said an apology wasn't what he was expecting. He was expecting discomfort, denial, even an uncomfortable joke. Not this. 

"I called you a slur." Aaron explained. "I mean I didn't know back then but I still did it. I- I must have hurt you a lot." 

Andrew stayed quiet, only giving a stiff nod. It had hurt. It had hurt hearing that word from his own brother, the boy with his own face. It hurt even more when Andrew had been plagued by nightmares of Neil, the wound of his case being classified as a cold case still raw and running things in his mind. It had hurt, and Andrew had closed himself off after that. He had been afraid of Aaron leaving him because of it. 

"Andrew," Bee said gently. "Would you like to tell Aaron how you felt?" 

Andrew swallowed around the lump in his throat. That was too much vulnerability for this conversation, too much they had to discuss before he could even begin to talk about his feelings. He shook his head, knowing his mom understood. It was too much on top of everything. 

Bee just nodded, the sound of her spoon stirring her tea comforting after so many years of listening to it. "Why don't we stick to one topic for today: Neil. If that’s okay with both of you?" 

Andrew and Aaron both nodded. If they talked about too much it would overwhelm the both of them. Besides, talking about Neil revealed a whole lot about Andrew anyways. 

"When did you meet?" Aaron asked, his voice smaller than it had been before. Not defeated, but tired. Andrew felt tired. 

"When we were five." Andrew answered. "He was an asshole kid hiding in my spot at the playground." 

Bee made a face, a face that meant she saw right through Andrew. She knew how Andrew felt, but she should also remember that Neil was, in fact, a giant asshole. And he was hiding in Andrew's spot like an asshole. 

Aaron perked up. Andrew could see the cog wheels turning in his head as he tried to remember things like a loser. Whatever it was he discovered, he kept to himself. Instead, he regained some of his energy from before, leaning closer like that would solve all of his problems. "Why did you never mention him?" He asked. 

Andrew looked over at his mom, the one person who was there for him as he fell apart over and over again. She helped him stand on his feet again, was there when he stopped talking, she kept him together as he laid motionless on his bed for weeks after Neil disappeared. 

Bee gave a reassuring smile, one that promised she was right there for him and she had never broken that promise before. 

Andrew took a deep breath, in and out, the memories of walking into that house frozen in time filling his mind. The days he spent unsure if Neil had even been real or not still fresh and the worry still in his mind even after spending the night holding him in his arms. He looked at Aaron, his brother, and found the words that had always been so hard to say outloud. "His mother kidnapped him when we were ten." He said. "I thought it was my fault for not telling Bee about that woman's abuse." 

"Which as I always remind you honey," Bee's gentle voice said soothing over the wounds he wasn't sure would ever heal properly. But she made the deep rooted guilt ease up, even if it was just for a moment. "That wasn't your fault, you were just a young boy." 

Andrew let the arguments he had, the 'buts' and 'ifs', die before they took form, at least for now. This wasn't the place to argue about his role in what happened. The guilt was still there in his stomach but it was smaller than it usually was. Maybe it was because he had Neil in his bed, kissing him, all night long. 

Aaron's eyes were wide, the gears in his head working overtime as he stared a hole into Andrew. He opened his mouth but nothing came out. He closed it, his eyes looking between Bee and Andrew frantically. "Is that why you told Bee about m-" his words died on his tongue, his eyes pleading for Andrew to understand what he couldn't say outloud. 

Andrew nodded. "The main reason yes." He confirmed. "I couldn't let her take you too." He added quietly. He wasn't going to let what happened to Neil happen to anyone again, especially not to his brother. He couldn't let that happen, he couldn't lose Aaron. 

Aaron seemed to crumble before Andrews every eyes, hand gripping his hair as he stared at Andrew with a sorrowful look in his eyes. Andrew could see the thoughts racing across his brothers face, so many, too many maybe. Understanding and sadness and sympathy and regret, all making appearances in the flurry of emotions Aaron was so visibly feeling. "Fuck," Aaron groaned. "Fuck." 

Andrew kept his eyes on his mug, letting the cooling warmth of the hot chocolate keep his hands warm. He didn't want to hold Neil's hand with cold hands, Neil deserved much better than that after everything. 

"Do we need to take a break?" Bee asked gently, an out for the both of them to take if they needed it. Andrew wasn't sure if he needed it, his brain was too quiet for what was happening which he thought wasn't a good sign, but he knew he wanted it. He wanted it so he could go hide away with Neil. 

"Wait-" Aaron said his voice panicked. "Wait just- one more thing- about Neil." 

Andrew nodded his agreement, staying even though he didn't want to for his brother. This was the most progress they've had since they met, he didn't want to ruin that. Neil would wait for him, he would understand how important this was for Andrew.

"Okay." Aaron let out a relieved breath, slumping back down into his chair. He took hold of his mug again, clutching it tight. He stared at Andrew, nervous energy radiating off of him. 

Andrew didn't say anything himself, waiting for Aaron to say whatever it was he wanted to say even as his own anxiety levels went off the charts. 

Aaron took a deep breath, his grip on the mug tight to the point Andrew worried it might shatter. He kept his eyes on Andrew as he spoke. "The reason I kept pushing you and Renee was because I wanted you to be happy." He explained. "I didn’t want to fuck up again and assume you were gay just because of your...you know," he waved a hand at Andrew, gesturing to all of him. Andrew was sure it also applied to his hobbies and skills and dramatics. 

Andrew didn't say anything, unsure how to feel about this revelation. For so long he was sure Aaron was homophobic, that maybe Aaron knew somewhere deep down that Andrew was gay and was pushing heteronormality onto him to 'change' that part of him. But now Aaron was flipping that on its head- although he was definitely still a fucking idiot. This was getting to be way too much, it was too much and he needed to go and hide away with Neil and King. 

Aaron continued before Andrew could get up and leave, and Andrew couldn't just walk away from him as he was opening up. Not after everything. "But now you have Neil, and I can’t say I like him when I don't know anything about him," 

"You will." Andrew promised, the words out of his throat before he could think about it. But they were true. Aaron would come to know Neil, about his and Andrew’s past and be apart of their future. It would take time but, as Andrew was reveling in, they had plenty of it. 

Aaron's eyes were wide but he had to bite back a smile as he nodded. This was good. It was way too much for Andrew to handle- he felt like he was going to combust with all these emotions- but it was a good start. "I’m happy you have Neil, Andrew." Aaron said. 

And that was just too much to add to this. 

Andrew shot up, taking his mug with him and speed walking out of the kitchen. That was too much emotion, too much barring his soul to his brother and having access to his brothers for one sit down talk. He marched up the stairs, his heart pounding rapidly in his chest. 

When he got into his room, he saw Neil and King on the bed, Neil gently petting King with a soft smile on his face and King soaking in all the attention she was getting. Andrew took a moment to stare at them, to calm himself in the safety of his room, before he shut the door behind him. He set the mug down and crawled into bed with Neil. 

Neil just looked at him, his smile bigger, full of affection and his eyes sparkled. "Hi," he whispered. "Our cat’s an attention whore." 

Andrew could only hum, his jaw locked shut so no more words could fall out. Talking was no longer a possibility, and his hands felt heavy making signing just as hard. 

But Neil didn't take any offense to this, maybe knowing from their many many years together that Andrew just didn't want to talk. So instead he did the talking. "I didn't realize we spoiled her so much." He chuckled. "Maybe it was all the treats I snuck behind your back, but I’m sure you knew about it. So did Bee I’m sure, she knows everything. I’m sure she knew about us before we did." 

Andrew nodded, shuffling closer to Neil. He managed to work his arms around Neil's waist, his cheek pressed against Neil's arm as the asshole continued to pet and give attention to King. 

Neil laughed, light and warm, something his mother probably tried to beat out of him. "Of course she did." He said. "She’s like a mind wizard with how much she knows. Honestly, I think if I didn't grow up with her around I would be terrified of her." 

Andrew hummed again, his eyes closing, his heart slowly down its beats. He was positive that Neil would've been spooked by Bee if he hadn't been so exposed to her during his early, stupider years. 

"Isn't that right King?" Neil asked in that stupid cutesy tone he did only for their cat. He even made a few kissy sounds for the enjoyment of only the cat. "Aw you're so cute, thankfully Andrew kept you nice and fluffy. I would've had to shave his head if you weren't- yes I know. It would've been tragic for him to lose his hair but it would've been fair." 

Andrew let out a huff, his final thoughts as he drifted off to sleep where he could be away from all the emotions he didn't know how to make sense of were about how stupid the love of his life was, and how thankful he was that he got to hear every stupid word out of his mouth.

Chapter Text

Andrew held up his latest design for the hem of his mom's wedding dress up for the camera. He was face timing Nicky as per usual, needing another fellow gay’s opinion on his embroidery. He had the shape of the actual dress all set out, the prototype was laying on the table next to him in Allison and Renee's dorm room while the final design was at home in Bee's craft room. The most Andrew had gotten on that was the skirt, as it was the simplest part of the dress for Andrew personally. Which was why he was moving onto the design for the embroidery at the hem of the dress. He had gone through several designs- everyone was a fucking critic- and he was close to losing his mind. 

Nicky hummed, squinting at the camera looking like an over exaggerated art critic fit with him tapping his chin. "What are those blank spots?" He asked, pointing at the screen. Not that it did much to highlight what he was pointing out but it was fine, Andrew knew what he was referring to. 

This design was simple but would take up a good two inches of the bottom of the dress and would take probably months to finish. It was overlapping flowers of all different colors all along the hem with a few bumble bees flying around. There was a big empty spot in between the two main flowers right at the front of the sketch which would be at the front of the dress. While every other empty space between the flowers would be for petals this one was completely empty for a reason. "It’s for Renee, Neil, and Aaron to put something in." Andrew explained. And, as long as Nicky arrived quickly enough him too. 

"Oh really?" Nicky asked, his smile bright and happy. "You know you still haven't let me met this Neil yet! I want to meet him soon okay? I need to approve of my baby cousin’s first boyfriend!"

Andrew rolled his eyes for dramatic effect and shook the paper. "Opinions on this." He demanded. He would introduce Nicky to Neil, of course he would, but he also knew that Nicky would be insufferable and ask too many questions that Neil wasn't ready to answer. Plus, he needed Nicky’s opinion on this, he had to get the design done quickly.

Nicky sighed, pouting like he wasn't a grown man with a mortgage and a fiancé. "Well, I like it better than the last one." He said. "What colors are you thinking for the petals?" 

"Yellow, pink, purple, maybe black and dark blue." Andrew said. He would figure out what exact colors to put in once he got the right shade of yellow, since the rest of the colors would have to compliment the yellow. Because unlike Neil, Andrew actually understood color theory. He would not let his mom walk down the aisle in clashing colors.

Nicky hummed, thinking and thinking for a while before he nodded with a bright smile. "I think that works! But you should try to get a pale yellow. I think pastels would look better on Bee!" He explained. 

Andrew nodded his own agreement, making a mental note about that. It would work with the whole vibe of the wedding as well- Andrew and Aaron were going to be wearing a pastel blue-grey tux and Renee was going to be wearing a dress in the same color- a dress that Allison was making for her, the useless lesbian. Bee and Stephanie had said something about them being their something blue. The colors of the flowers were lighter, as were the decorations. Even the invitations were printed on pastel pink cards with instructions to wear pastels and spring colors. So Bee's embroidery should be pastel as well. 

Allison's heels clicking were the only warning Andrew got before the witch snatched the paper from his hands. 

Andrew just let out a sigh while Nicky laughed. He feared that soon, Nicky and Allison would become friends and then Andrew would have to deal with their combined force. 

Allison stared at the picture, judgment all over her face but that was par for the course with her. "This is too simple." She announced. 

"Fuck you." Andrew instantly shot back. Even just that would take him months to complete. Embroidery was a time consuming activity and it was possible to spend hours on something and barely get any of it done. 

Allison didn't understand this and just waved the paper around. "You need to add variety into this!" She ordered. "You can’t just have the same flower in different sizes, add in a few roses, maybe some leafs- do what you have to do and add more." 

"Someone remind me to get my sister checked for brain damage." He hissed as he grabbed the paper back from the she-devil his sister was trying to date. 

Nicky just laughed, loud and bright. It did nothing to help with the fact that Andrew’s sister had horrible taste in women. 

"Oh and when you finish that, we're going back to practicing making the corset." Allison said with an evil grin. 

Andrew banged his head onto the table, shaking the computer, and let out a pained groan. Allison was going to kill him. She was a tyrant of a teacher. She was evil. But damn was she an excellent seamstress and had greatly helped Andrew with the design of Bee's dress and taught him at an extreme speed how to sew the skirt. Andrew hated her. 

"Aw, I think you're being too mean to him." Nicky said but it was completely undercut by his laugh. Traitor. 

"Oh please," Allison snorted. So lady like. She stomped around and by the time Andrew raised his head she was by her sewing machine, measuring out cheap practice fabric. "He needs to learn this soon. Once he has the corset done he can work on the sleeves and then put all of his attention onto the embroidery." 

Andrew knew she was right. Once the rest of the dress was finished all he would have to worry about was the embroidery and the final touches of the dress including connecting it all together. He planned on keeping the skirt and top separate just in case he needed to bring the skirt to his dorm to work on it there. He didn't really want to do that but he would if he had to. His mom’s wedding wasn't far off, it was taking place during spring break so he only had a few months to work on it. Hopefully he could get the bodice and sleeves done before winter break then spend the break sewing the flowers until his fingers went numb. The only problem was that he despised that Allison was right. Harpy. 

Andrew lifted his head and grabbed a new piece of paper to sketch out his new design. He had to give himself something to do before he did something stupid. It was in fact Neil's job to be stupid. 

Nicky shook his head with a fond smile. "Oh well, I tried." He said. 

"Barely." Andrew muttered. 

"It’s the thought that counts honey." Nicky insisted. Then he thought for a moment before completely changing topics like he always did. "Oh! Did I tell you about the time where Trish tried to do a wet t-shirt contest and totally failed? Like how do you fail a wet t-shirt contest?" 

"Bitch you better have pictures of this!" Allison ordered. 

"Oh girl, do I ever!" Nicky exclaimed. 

Andrew listened to the two of them talk as he sketched and sketched a new design. He easily let himself get lost in the familiarity of it, of having his cousin yap and yap about something as he sketched new designs. If he was honest with himself this was his preferred way to sketch out embroidery designs. Nicky could be a lot, but his voice was familiar, and it made for good white noise and there was absolutely no expectations for him to speak back. It was nice, it was familiar. It was a normal he had come to enjoy. 

Andrew’s phone went off when he was half way done with the new design. He set the paper down and reached for it, ignoring Nicky and Allison's debate about who between them would win a wet t-shirt contest. He answered the phone immediately when he saw Neil's stupid face pop up on his screen- it was a picture he took of Neil and King when they had been staring at him with the same big eyed, no thoughts expression. "Menace." He greeted as he put the phone up to his ear. 

"Hi Drew," Neil said, slightly out of breath. Andrew could still hear the smile on his face through the phone. "Where are you?" 

"I’m at my sister's dorm." Andrew hummed, twirling the pencil in his hand. He could feel eyes on him but it didn't really matter when he was talking to Neil. "Where are you?" 

"Oh I’m at the dorm." Neil said with a laugh that bordered on nervous. "I just got back from class and you weren't here so I was just wondering where you went." He explained. 

Andrew glanced at the clock, normally Neil was still in classes until three without any break except for lunch. Which they already had together. Andrew had meant to be out of Allison's hell she called training and in the dorms before Neil got back. "Did your classes end early?" He asked. 

"Not exactly." Neil mused. Which meant a few things; either Neil skipped class or he got kicked out because he did something borderline illegal again. 

Andrew hummed, tapping the pencil against the desk. "Come over, then you can tell me what mayhem you caused this time." 

Neil huffed, faux offense dripping from it. As if the menace hadn't once tried to start a fire in the playground just for fun. Of course Andrew had helped with that but he was a powerless victim against those big blue eyes, it wasn't his fault. "Okay, I'll be there soon." 

"Alright my menace." Andrew hung up after another small laugh from Neil that was enough to send him to another planet and didn't bother to look up at Nicky or Allison. He could tell they were dying for answers. He found he wanted to torture them and not give them any. 

"Was that Neil?" Nicky asked, no doubt looking like a kid in a candy store. Or as Neil would put it: 'Andrew in a candy store'. He bet Nicky had twinkling eyes and a huge smile on his face. 

Which was why Andrew just hummed, going back to his sketch. 

"Oh it had to be." Allison snarked. Her heels clacked against the floor as she came closer. At the very least people would always be able to hear the witch coming. Andrew really had to get his sister checked out if this was the woman she was deeply attracted to. "This fucking asshole barely talks to anyone but Neil. He even ignores his own sister." 

Andrew hummed, the sketch coming to life vividly in his head. The roses would be pink, there would be two big sunflowers at the front and the back and there would still be space on the front for everyone to put in their own stitches for Bee. She was sentimental, she would absolutely adore that detail even if all Neil and the others could manage were shaky and poor stitches. "Yes." He agreed. "Every time she's around she's ready and willing to interrupt us." 

"Ah, so she's cock blocking you." Nicky said without any regard to his own safety. He just laughed at Andrew’s very serious and very deadly glare. Andrew would get him back too. 

Allison barked out a laugh that sounded similar to a hyena, throwing her head back in exaggeration. Just to rub salt into the wound. "Oh that’s fucking hilarious!" She cackled. "You’re getting cock blocked by your own sister!" 

"At the very least I’m not stomping around in last seasons heels." Andrew spat with a distasteful look at Allison's heels. "Oh my bad, those are from the 2019 collection. They're even older than last seasons." 

Allison looked very similar to Medusa when she was about to turn someone into stone and Andrew didn't feel the least bit bad. "Fuck you, midget," she hissed. "These are my home heels!" 

Andrew just gave another distasteful look at the heels before he turned back to his sketch. He let Allison stomp around like a gorgon for a while until finally, his Neil showed up. Andrew knew he picked the lock, since he himself locked the door when he came in over an hour ago but what was he going to do? Point it out? No. 

Neil looked very kissable, his auburn hair blown crazy by the wind and his big blue eyes were bright and startling against his dark skin. He poked his head inside first, his expression carefully blank until he found Andrew. His face soften and the tension in his shoulders eased. 

Andrew pushed away from the desk just a bit and patted the seat next to him, ignoring everyone in the room but Neil. Neil lit up and Andrew might be going crazy again but he looked like a cat, or maybe a bunny. Neil rushed over and plopped himself into the seat, staring at Andrew just asking to be kissed. And Andrew could kiss him. 

"Yes or no?" Andrew asked. 

"Yes." Neil answered immediately. "It’s always yes with you." 

"Shut the hell up." Andrew leaned before he could melt into a fucked up puddle of emotions and kissed Neil. He relaxed into it, his body buzzing at the sound of Neil's relieved sigh, at the way Neil leaned into it. Andrew pulled away quickly, not wanting to drag this out when they had an audience. Plus, he was in no rush. He had forever to kiss Neil. 

"Hi," Neil, the little shit, said. 

"Hi." Andrew greeted anyways. "What are you doing out of class?" 

Neil tilted his head just slightly, batting his eyes in the same way he used to as a kid to get out of trouble. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. It always worked with Andrew though, even though he knew Neil was full of shit. "The teacher had to leave." He said with an air of innocence Andrew didn't buy for a second. 

"Uh huh," Andrew said, his hand traveling in between them to take Neil’s. "And I’m sure you had no hand in that." 

"Who? Me?" Neil asked, looking at Andrew with those blue eyes he knew Andrew was weak against. He knew Andrew’s weaknesses too well. 

"Neil." Andrew said in warning even if they both knew it was shit. 

Neil sighed and leaned closer. "I may have said some things." He admitted. 

Andrew sighed, just to put on a show for Neil. He'd do anything to make Neil smile. He wanted to know what Neil said, every last word so he could commit it to memory and expand his 'Neil insults' mental list. He glanced over and saw that Allison was taking photos of them to probably send to Renee, and Nicky looked ready to explode. Like genuinely, Andrew was actually worried to would explode. So instead of asking Neil he let out another sigh and said, "tell me later, bun. For now I've got to deal with these idiots." 

"Fuck you." Allison immediately responded. 

"Oh my god oh my god oh my god!" Nicky squealed. "This is the famous Neil!? Oh my god hi! I’m Nicky and you’re obviously Neil! It’s so nice to finally met you!" 

Andrew muted Nicky, the wonders of technology. He turned to Neil and gave him an apologetic kiss. "My cousin." He said. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Nicky flapping around completely unaware that he was muted. 

Neil hummed, shifting around in his seat. "He seems energetic." 

"You have no idea." Andrew agreed. "But he’s not so bad." 

Neil looked at Andrew, staring until he smiled faintly. He had always been able to see through Andrew and this was no different. He had to know that Andrew cared about Nicky and soon Andrew would tell Neil everything Nicky did for him. "So," he said, moving on because he knew Andrew too well. "What are you doing?" 

Andrew held up his latest, still unfinished sketch for Neil to look at. "Sketching out the embroidery for mom’s dress." He explained. He pointed to the empty space in the drawing. "This is where you, Renee, and Aaron will embroider something." 

Neil raised an eyebrow at the news and Andrew just wanted to kiss him. "Drew, I seem to remember being shit at embroidery." 

"You were." Andrew agreed. He still, obviously, remembered Neil's one and only piece that the bastard titled 'Andrew’s patience'. It was hiding in a box under his bed. "But that doesn’t matter. Renee and Aaron have never held a needle before. Your attempt won’t even stand out." 

"All that counts is that it’s on the dress." Neil guessed. 

"Yeah." Andrew confirmed. 

Neil hummed, unaware of the warmth spreading through Andrews whole body, and shifted again in his seat. "Okay, can I sit here while you work?" 

"Don’t ask questions you know the answer to." Andrew said. He would always want Neil next to him, to be right beside him through the rest of their life no matter how 'unhealthy' some might call it. They had eight years to catch up on, and fuck if Andrew was going to let this guy out of his sight again. 

Neil smiled, small and careful, and let go of Andrew’s hand so he could sketch. And Andrew did, unmuting Nicky to have some background noise that wasn't just Allison being a bitch. But he noticed that Neil was antsy, looking around as he squirmed. He mostly kept an eye on Allison, the tension slowly rising in his shoulders again even though Andrew would never let anything happen to him again. 

Andrew didn't like it, seeing Neil being so anxious. So he took Neil's hand and, after taking a slow deep breath, settled it onto his knee. That way Neil was touching him. "Just there," he whispered in French. He couldn't handle anything other than this. Even though he knew it was Neil, who would never hurt him, he couldn't handle anymore than this. It would be different if Neil was touching above his waist but he wasn't. So this was it for now. 

Neil looked at Andrew, his eyes slightly wide with surprise. He looked down at where their hands were, his hand still but not tense, then back up at Andrew. He nodded and Andrew slowly let go of Neil's hand. 

Andrew held his breath, waiting for something he knew wouldn't happen and only began to relax when Neil's hand stayed completely still. "You can rest you head on my shoulder too." He said, once again in French. No one but them should understand this. 

"Okay," Neil said. He slowly leaned his body against Andrew’s, his head coming to rest on Andrew's shoulder, his whole body relaxing. It was nice, being like this, together. "So does your cousin know German?" He asked after a few minutes. 

"Yeah." Andrew confirmed. He knew they were getting the stares again. He also knew that this little secret would be out in the wild soon via both Allison and Nicky. "Be warned, Kevin and Jean know French." 

"Who?" Neil asked and Andrew, unfortunately, knew he was being genuine. At least when it came to Jean. 

"Shut the hell up Neil, I know you know our roommate." Andrew hissed. He grabbed his pencil and went back to sketching, ideas swarming in his head that he had to get out. The weight of Neil was nice, grounding, something he needed all the time. 

Neil smirked just a bit, barely noticeable to anyone who wasn't Andrew. "Oh him? Okay, well I'll try not to insult him in French then." 

"Menace." 

"Your menace." Neil said, turning his head to brush his lips against Andrews neck. He was asking to be kissed, to be held and never let go. 

Andrew looked down at Neil's hand on his knee. He noted the scars, the burn marks, how Neil's hand was slowly showing signs of weight gain. He loved Neil's hands, loved having them in his own, loved to kiss every single scar no matter how small they were. All that was missing was a ring. Andrew would have to change that soon, very soon. 

-

As Andrew climbed into bed after Neil, he noticed that Neil was watching him intently. He was already snuggled into the blankets, hogging most of them like he always did, but he was staring directly at Andrew with an expression Andrew wanted to kiss away. 

"Junkie." Andrew told him as he crawled into place next to Neil. 

Neil shifted closer, still unabashedly staring at Andrew. He was asking to be kissed. "Hi." He said softly. 

"Hello." Andrew played along. There was obviously something up with him, from the tension in his frame to the way he was acting so nervous when he rarely was before. So Andrew would lay there and let Neil tell him what was wrong, then hold him if that's what he wanted. 

"I-" Neil started before cutting himself off. He shifted around, a hand poking out from the tangles of blankets he wasn't going to share. He held it out and Andrew instantly took it, squeezing it hard. Neil looked grateful for the action, one he didn't need to feel grateful for because Andrew would always do whatever he could for Neil. He took a deep breath and locked eyes with Andrew. "I got nervous." He admitted. "When I got out of class and you weren't here." 

"Were you worried I had disappeared?" Andrew asked. It explained the nervousness in Neil's voice when he called earlier, although Andrew figured that Neil would be more afraid of disappearing himself. Of being dragged away from this new life by his mother, rather than Andrew disappearing. But Andrew knew that anxiety and trauma didn't work alongside reason, his certainly didn't. 

Neil shrugged. He moved closer and Andrew took it upon himself to wrap his free arm around Neil's waist, pulling him up against his chest so Neil knew this was real. They were real. He had Neil and he would never let anything happen to him. "I don't know." He admitted. "Maybe I don't like to be alone. I think- maybe I just feel like if I’m alone then blink and I’ll be back in those crappy, moldy apartments with only my mum talking nonsense to herself." 

Andrew held Neil tight, his thumb rubbing patterns into Neil's waist. He buried his anger at Mary, at the ways she hurt his Neil over and over even from the fucking grave. She really should be thankful, down in hell, that she was dead because Andrew would have given her something real to fear. Andrew also made a mental note to force Neil to go to the doctors, it sounded like Neil lived in horribly unhealthy conditions during a crucial time in his growth. He had to make sure his menace was healthy. "I thought I made you up." Andrew admitted. 

Neil pulled away from his chest to look at him, his blue, blue, blue eyes on him in complete understanding. "Yeah?" He asked. 

Andrew nodded. "I thought I made you up to deal with everything." His teenage years weren't easy, and he doubted that the rest of his life would be (although it was be far easier without those pesky hormones and with Neil by his side). And he was sure he had gone crazy so many times over. 

"I told you Drew, I’m very real." Neil promised. "But I get it. I thought- I sometimes didn't feel real either. Nothing felt real at times and I couldn't fathom that I was a living being." 

"Sounds like dissociation." Andrew muttered. 

"Okay son of a psychologist." Neil snarked. And just like that, the tension from his shoulders was gone and the two of them were both easily settled into bed. Andrew even managed to get a blanket out of Neil's cocoon of blankets and held onto him tightly. He didn't want anyone taking him away. 

"We could get Life360." Andrew muttered against Neil's neck. 

"Isn’t that for old people?" Neil asked, like an idiot. Andrew loved him so much. 

"It’s also to make sure certain idiots don't get lost while they go on a five mile run." Andrew very kindly informed him. He still didn't get why Neil enjoyed running, but he would never tell him not to do it. Especially when his ass looked so good in those short, short running shorts. His legs were downright illegal too. 

Neil huffed out a laugh and leaned back in Andrew’s arms, his body loose and his breathing calm. "Yeah okay." He conceded. "But can I see you too?" 

"Of course." Andrew promised. Being separated had affected the both of them- he was sure that being able to check where the other way would help the both of them feel less anxious when they were apart. It would definitely help Andrew, seeing as Neil got himself into trouble constantly. 

"Okay." Neil sighed. He sounded tired. Andrew was more than happy to go to sleep, he could spend his life curled up with Neil like this. 

"Go to sleep Neil, we've got time." Andrew reminded him, whispering it into Neil's ear. 

"Yeah, we do." Neil said and Andrew could hear the smile in his voice. "Good night Drew." 

Andrew pressed a kiss to the spot right behind Neil's ear, holding onto his tightly so he couldn't rabbit away in the morning. "Good night Neil.”

Chapter Text

The mall wasn't very crowded, thankfully, as Andrew and Neil walked around looking for a store that interested Neil. Neil wasn't big on huge crowds as they were finding out, but he also didn't like it when the space was completely empty. They were going to find the right balance that made him feel grounded and real but also didn't trigger his anxiety, no matter how long it took. Truthfully, Andrew didn't like crowds either- from the accidental touching to the fear that he and Neil could get separated in the large unforgiving crowd- so he preferred the mall to be calm like this as they shopped. 

"What about this place?" Neil asked, pointing to the store they were slowly passing with his free hand. Andrew was, smugly, holding his other hand as was his birthright. 

Andrew hummed and glanced over at the window display. The skirts and dresses weren't personally his style- if he was going to wear one it would be long enough to reach his ankles and wouldn't cling to his body- but they would absolutely, one hundred percent look amazing on Neil. Plus, the colors weren't horrendous to look at and they could be easily styled with shirts and accessories. "Do you like them?" He asked. That was what was important- if Neil liked them. Andrew would buy him the ugliest skirt known to man if Neil liked it. 

Neil struggled to keep the smile off his face, his eyes bright and clear. "Yeah," he said. He turned to look at Andrew, the smile fully on his face now. "Can we go in?" 

"Idiot." Andrew said, the tips of his ears warm. He wanted to squish Neil's cheeks until he exploded. Or kiss him until neither of them remembered who they were. He tugged on Neil's hand and dragged them inside the store, ignoring the employee who greeted them. They were wholly unimportant.

Neil chuckled as he followed behind Andrew, only tugging back on Andrew’s hand once they got into the skirt section. Andrew stopped and simply watched as Neil browsed through all the different skirts up for purchase. It was nice, the easy silence between them. It was something that Andrew had wanted with Aaron for so long, something he and Neil always had since the first day they met. Neither of them had to say a word to each other to understand. Neil would hold up a skirt, a single eyebrow raised and Andrew would just nod or shake his head. It was simple and easy and Andrew would never take it for granted, not when he knew what it was like to lose it. 

"What about this one Drew?" Neil asked as he pulled out a cute pleated pale pink skirt that would probably reach Neil's mid thighs. It was simple in design and underneath had a pair of shorts that Andrew knew Neil would like. Plus, it'd be insanely easy to match with a top. Even Neil wouldn't be able to fuck it up. 

"It’s nice." Andrew confirmed. "Do you want to try it on?" 

Neil nodded, putting it into the basket they nabbed after they past ten skirts and a dress for Neil to try on. "Do you want to try one?" He asked. 

Andrew took a look back at the displays with a bored glance. He wasn't drawn to any of the skirts here. He wasn't a fan of showing skin below his waist aside from the occasional ripped jeans. He wasn't a Victorian prude after all. "They’re too short." He told Neil. 

Neil nodded, not looking the least bit upset or self conscious about Andrews answer or at having to try skirts on by himself. "Wanna sit down and be lazy while I try these on?" 

Fuck I love this man.

"Look at that," Andrew huffed out instead of saying what he was actually thinking. He would whisper it to Neil in the safety of their bedroom, he would promise it against Neil's lips. But he couldn't say it out loud in such a public space. It was only for Neil's ears. "You do use that brain of yours sometimes." 

Neil grinned brightly, too brightly. Andrew was going to go blind. Not that that sounded bad when the last thing he'd see would be Neil's smile. "Only when it comes to you, Drew." 

"And on being a menace, my menace." Andrew muttered to avoid attention from the heat growing inside of him. It didn't seem to work because Neil gave him a quick kiss before skipping off to the changing room. Andrew shamelessly stared at his ass as he went before he finally got a move on and took a seat at the couch just inside the fitting room area. 

He didn't have to wait long for Neil to reappear from one of the stalls, the rabbit had always been quick at everything he did. 

Neil came out with a smile on his face, wearing a cute and flattering light purple skirt that reached his mid thighs. The fabric moved beautifully with Neil's movements, as he turned and swayed his hips. "What do you think?" He asked, eyes staring down at his skirt. 

"I like it." Andrew answered honestly. His first reaction was still to say something mean, but he wouldn't ruin this for Neil. This was the first time Neil got to wear a skirt, he couldn't do anything that might ruin this experience for him. He refused to be like all the adults who had tried to crush their interests and dreams as children. He would rather cut his tongue out than make Neil self conscious about this. 

Neil grinned, twirling around in his skirt, unaware of the way Andrews eyes lingered on his thighs. His beautiful thighs. "I like the way it feels." He explained. "And the fabric is pleasant against my skin. It’s not itchy and it doesn't feel like plastic either." 

"Then we'll get it." Andrew said. Plain and simple. If this was something Neil wanted he would get it for him. 

Neil came skipping over, hands behind his back in a way Andrew found to be too cute. He gave Andrew a quick kiss, his eyes sparkling with mischief. "Thank you," he whispered. 

Andrew hummed. He leaned in for another quick kiss, reveling in Neil's pleasant sigh. He pulled away and shooed Neil away. "Go try another one on, bun." 

Neil nodded and turned on his heel. Andrew shamelessly watched Neil walk back into the fitting room- his ass looked good in the skirt. He was sure that Neil was fully aware of where he was looking so he didn’t bother trying to be sneaky about it.

Neil took even less time to come out in the next skirt, and the moment he did Andrew was glad they were alone. Neil came out, his face darkened by a blush and a shy smile on his face. He was wearing a baby blue mini skirt that Andrew had definitely not seen Neil put into the basket. It was so, so short. Andrew immediately short-circuited upon seeing it: how the color clashed beautifully against Neil's dark skin; how Neil's strong runners legs were on full display for Andrew, every little detail, every little scar that Andrew wanted to spend hours kissing were all out in the open for Andrew; to how when Neil turned the skirt barely covered Neil's ass. 

Andrew was so, so gay. Fuck. 

Fuck. 

He wanted to devoure Neil right there and then, fuck the fact that they were in public. 

Andrew needed him. He was going to lose his ever loving mind. Again. 

Neil smirked, something mischievous and smug, for just a quick second that Andrew almost missed because well, how was he supposed to take his eyes off of Neil's glorious ass? Neil put on a faux shy and self conscious expression, something Andrew knew he would never feel because he didn't give a shit about what others thought about him and tugged at the hem of the skirt, pulling it down. Andrew wanted it pushed up, he wanted to see everything. He wanted to kiss and suck and lick and- "I guess you don't like this one." He sighed. "I guess I’ll change-" 

Andrew stood up and marched over to Neil, grabbing his wrists and pulling them off the skirt. Andrew needed to look more, he needed to drag Neil into their bed and kiss him stupid. "You know that's not true, you little shit." He hissed out. 

Neil smirked, unable to hide it from Andrew. He twisted his hips around and around, the skirt swishing around with the movement. Andrew had to back Neil into the stall, not wanting anyone but him to see Neil's ass. Neil had the audacity to giggle as Andrew slammed the door shut, his hands hovering above Andrew’s shoulders, a triumphant expression on his stupidly handsome face. 

"You’re a fucking menace." Andrew hissed, his hands gripping Neil's waist. If he didn't have some kind of hold on Neil he was sure he'd go insane and jump him. 

Neil let out another annoying sound, his hands still hovering above Andrews shoulders until Andrew gave a pissed off nod. Then, those warm hands settled onto Andrew’s shoulders, gently trying to pull Andrew closer to him. And who was Andrew to deny Neil what he wanted? Neil let out a peaceful sigh when Andrew pressed them against the wall, their bodies flushed together. His grin lopsided and begging to be kissed silly. "So you do like them?" He asked even though he already knew the answer to that. 

"Shut the hell up." Andrew told him. He had to fight with himself, to stop himself from letting his hands wander down further. They weren't there yet, had yet to discuss that aspect of their pasts. He wanted this to go slower, he didn't want to rush into bed not just because of his own trauma but also because he wanted Neil to know he loved for more than just his glorious body. Andrew also wanted to take his time with Neil, in fucking private, to spend hours kissing every inch of his skin and take the proper time to learn what made Neil feel good and what didn’t. He had to calm himself down- but Neil and his mini skirt weren't fucking helping. 

Neil's grin only grew, his fingers innocently tapping Andrew’s shoulders as if he didn't know that would only drive Andrew more crazy. He hummed, tilting his head to expose his unmarked neck. Andrew should change that. "You like this," he said. "I like that you like it." 

"Does that brain of yours serve any function or is it just there for decoration?" Andrew demanded, leaning closer and closer. It seemed there was only one way to make Neil shut up. 

Neil bit his lips, the sight was the only thing Andrew could focus on- the way Neil's teeth dug into those plump, kissable lips. Lips Andrew kissed and could kiss any time he wanted. "Oh it works." He said. "Want me to tell you about it?" 

"Shut the hell up, yes or no?" Andrew demanded. 

Neil nodded rapidly, the 'yes' flying from his lips. Lips Andrew very quickly covered with his own. 

Andrew sighed into the kiss, his lips moving easily against Neil's. It was as easy as breathing, it was second nature for him. But it was no less exciting. Everything but Neil faded away, all Andrew could focus on was the way their lips felt together, how Neil relaxed in Andrews arms and let out small noises of pleasure. If it was up to Andrew, he'd stay like this with Neil forever.

-

Andrew looked down at his bed where all of the skirts Neil and him got were laid out. Instead of going back to the dorms they went back home for the night. Andrew wanted to kiss and cuddle Neil without having to worry about Kevin being around and being a bitter bitch about it all. 

Andrew picked up one of the skirts- a mid thigh length one that was a nice grey shade- and rolled his eyes at himself. He could definitely believe that he had let himself be conned into buying a bunch of skirts for Neil. All Neil had to do was bat his pretty blue eyes at him and Andrew suddenly found himself at the register with his card out for payment. His sister was right: he was a useless gay simp. 

Oh well, Neil was happy so he didn't give a shit about how pathetic he was. 

Andrew tossed the skirt back onto the bed and looked around his  room. Neil was downstairs, putting his conning skills to use to convince Bee that they should have pizza and ice cream for dinner. Andrew was sure Neil would convince the one woman who never fell for his antics. For sure. 

Andrew’s eyes caught on the sticking out corner of the bin full of things meant for or reminded Andrew of Neil. It was all the stuff of Neil he couldn't face after a certain age- once he had come to terms that Neil was gone- but he couldn't bear to part with the things. He couldn't be someone who erased Neil from existence, even if he couldn't bear to look at it. He also shoved all the embroidery projects meant for Neil inside, right next to a stuffed animal Andrew had clung to for years. One that should go home now, after all this time. 

Andrew knelt down and pulled the bin out from under the bed. He wiped off the faint amount of dust that had gathered since he last took it out from under the bed and took off the lid. 

Everything was right where he left it, the fox plushie in the corner surrounded by so much shit like a dragon guarding its riches. Andrew carefully picked the plush up, gently rubbing the fur that had long since been rubbed thin and firm in places. There had been many many days where all he was able to do was to hold onto this stupid toy and stare at his wall, rubbing and rubbing at the fur in some desperate attempt to calm himself down, attach himself to reality. This toy had been his life line at times, rough times, but now, he supposed it was time to let go. He didn't need it anymore, not when he had Neil beside him every day. 

Andrew placed Joseph the fox plush on the bed as he reclosed the bin, deciding to wait another day to show Neil everything he made for him, and shoved it back under the bed. By the time he grabbed the plush and was back on his feet, Neil's light footsteps were coming up the stairs. 

"Drew," Neil called out, drawing out the 'w' in the same way he would as kids much to the annoyance of everyone but Bee and Andrew. "I don't think it worked." He nearly whined as he popped back into Andrew’s room looking like a dream. "I think we need to change strate- what are you holding?" 

Andrew followed Neil's line of sight to the fox plush. He knew Neil wouldn't forget this stupid thing- he remembered how much Neil absolutely adored it, dragging it around with him, sleeping with it every night, and shoving it in Andrew’s face any chance he got. It was his most prized possession. But it was definitely hard to recognize, no longer the cute and fluffy thing it once was, and the majority of things from that house went into police evidence. In storage somewhere across the country. Andrew wasn't even sure what happened to Neil's case or his stuff or if Neil even bothered to let the pigs know he was alive. Knowing Neil he probably didn't. He probably thought it would be funny not to, his little menace. 

Andrew held out the plushie, the tips of his ears warm. He felt...a tad bit embarrassed by this. He kept and loved Neil's favorite plushie for years, both waiting for this day and then waiting to die without this day ever coming. Because he thought Neil was dead. He should go back in time and slap his younger self for being so fucking dramatic and in love. Then give him a long, strong hug. "Your stupid fox plush." He muttered. 

Neil stared at the toy in wonder, his eyes wide and completely focused on the toy. He took slow steps towards Andrew, his hands outstretched and shaking. Andrew gently handed him the toy, watching as Neil gently rubbed at the fur. "You kept this?" Neil asked, his voice small. He was staring at the toy with the beginnings of a smile, something soft and unbelievable. 

"Of course I did." Andrew answered honestly. "I wasn't going to let the pigs take it from you.”

"No, you weren't." Neil hugged the plush to his chest, a beautiful smile on his face. "Thank you, Drew." 

Andrew stepped closer, wrapping an arm around Neil's waist and pulled him closer. "Don’t thank me for this, dumbass." He said. "You would've done the same." 

Neil nodded, leaning against Andrew like it was the most natural thing in the world. And it was. It was the most natural thing in the world for both of them. Because Andrew would always hold Neil up. "Yeah, I would’ve." He agreed. "But still, you kept Joseph safe for me." 

Andrew resisted the urge to sigh, to chastise Neil for naming the silly fox after him. Instead he just pressed a kiss to Neil's cheek and nodded. "It helped me." He admitted. "When I missed you." 

Neil hummed, the fox plush held protectively in his hands. He wasn't going to give it up to anyone, Andrew knew that well. "I’m glad." He said. "I wish I had something of yours while I was gone." 

Andrew just held Neil tighter, knowing he couldn't go back into the past and change the way things went down. Even though he wanted to. There was nothing he could do to change the loneliness Neil felt back then, but what he could do now was hold onto Neil now and remind him over and over again that he was home and that he would never have to feel like that again. "I’m here now." He promised. 

"Yeah, you are." Neil agreed with a laugh. He rubbed his fingers against the rubbed down fur of Joseph the fox plush's ear and gave Andrew and amused smile. "You really did love him in my place, didn't you?" 

"Shut up." Andrew muttered. They didn't need to talk about that anymore. Neil just hummed, too happy to put up much of an argument. It was nice, to just lean on each other, to be by each other's side like this. 

"Hey," Andrew nudged Neil, propping his chin on Neil's shoulder. "What happened to that photo?" 

Neil looked at him, his eyebrow raised and confusion written all over his face. "What photo?" He asked. 

"The one that used to be on your desk." Andrew said. He couldn't believe he nearly forgot about it- granted he hated thinking about the day he found out Neil was missing but with his memory it was rare that he 'forgot' something. Maybe it was just another case of him being a fool in love. "It was of us, from the day Bee took us on that nature trail." 

"The one where we agreed to get married?" Neil asked. Of course that was the only thing Neil remembered. Of course. And how dare he say it without an inkling of embarrassment from their own stupidity. Andrew should kiss him. Once he got that damn ring he'd get to see Neil's face flush bright red, and that smart mouth would be shut. Then he'd kiss him for hours. 

"Yes that one." Andrew confirmed, the tips of his ears red. He really had to go back in time and slap some duct tape over his kid self. He had no filter. It was downright embarrassing.

Neil hummed, thinking and thinking as Andrew plotted to create a time machine before realization struck him. "Oh." He said, blinking his big blue eyes rapidly. "My mom found it." Neil looked down at his fox, gripping one of the paw so tightly Andrew worried the fabric would rip. If it did then he would just have to fix it. "She ripped it up and burned the pieces." 

Andrew really should've been the one to kill Mary instead of whatever weird accident she had gotten herself into. She went far too peacefully. 

Andrew slipped away from Neil, not before pressing a kiss to Neil's cheek, and hurried down to his moms craft room. He looked around until he found the right photo album and pulled it out. It only took him a few seconds to find what he was looking for- that very same photo from that day. Bee had all of the photos backed up on her computer and she'd have no problem printing out another one. Andrew gently took the photo and put the album back. He rushed up the stairs, King following him up now that she was done with her second lunch, meowing in demand for attention. 

Andrew came back to a confused but trusting Neil and quickly re-took his place right next to Neil's side. He handed over the photo and watched as so many different expression crossed over Neil's face. Neil finally settled on smiling and Andrew wanted to kiss him stupid. King, in all her glory, weaved between their legs until Andrew gave in and bent down to pick her up. She rumbled and purred happily in his arms, melting into a cat soup in his arms. She was adorable. 

Neil laughed, leaning on Andrew and holding out the photo between them. "I had a stick." He said, with a nod towards the image of his younger self holding out his very large stick. 

"Yeah, you used it for violence." Andrew quipped lovingly. 

"No, I used it to clear the path for us." Neil quipped right back, a grin on his face. 

Andrew wanted to kiss him. So he did. He closed the distance between them, whispering a question as his lips ghosted over Neil’s, finally kissing Neil when he whispered right back. It was soft and sweet, nearly innocent even though both of them were far from innocent. 

King meowed, breaking the kiss by squirming in Andrew’s arms until he let her climb up onto Neil's shoulders. Spoiled brat. 

Neil just chuckled, reaching up to scratch under her chin. He was just enabling her. Whatever, he was cute as all hell. "Thank you." He said, his eyes on the photo and plush. 

"Shut up." Andrew told him, unable to handle all the feelings he had around this man. He always had the ability to make Andrew feel things and he should (never) stop that. 

Neil looked at Andrew, biting his plump lips and a hint of mischief in those blue eyes. "Make me?" He asked. 

And who was Andrew to deny him? 

Chapter Text

Loud banging on the door was what woke Andrew up from his peaceful sleep with Neil. It went on and on even though all Andrew wanted to do was to cuddle his idiot until the sun set again. Neil grew tenser and tenser as the bangs continued, his breathing becoming too fast and uncontrolled. 

Andrew held him tighter, his lips brushing against the outer shell of his ear. "You’re safe Neil," he promised. He felt Neil's hands over his own, clinging onto him for dear life as he nodded. "I’ve got you. No one will ever take you away again, not while I'm here." 

"I know," Neil assured. He took one breath, slow and steady, holding it before letting it go with the tension. He kept doing it, following Andrew's example, in and out, in and out, until he slumped against Andrew, trying to get Andrew's arms tighter around him. Andrew did as he wanted, holding him tight against his body, the banging on the door nothing but background noise for him when he had Neil in his arms. 

Kevin groaned, reminding them all of his miserable presence in the dorm. Andrew felt around for a pillow and threw at him blindly. He wasn't getting up, not when he had Neil in his arms. Kevin grunted and flung around before Andrew heard his body hit the floor. His grumbling joined the pounding of the door and it was almost enough to lull Andrew back to sleep. Although, that might just be because he had Neil in his arms. 

"We have a zombie as a roommate." Neil whispered. 

Andrew just hummed his agreement, sleepily thinking that he and Neil had a pet zombie that they could annoy. He made a note to tell that to Kevin later just to see him explode. Then he could use that to embarrass Kevin further in front of Jean. 

"What the hell do you want at six am?" Kevin grunted out. 

Andrew groaned, burying his face into Neil's hair. It was too early to be alive. He should be sleeping with the worlds prettiest boy in his arms. But no. Some asshole decided that six am was the perfect time to be banging on his door. Neil reached behind him, his fingers running through Andrew’s hair in a placating manner and Andrew just knew the little shit was smirking. But whatever, his blunt nails felt too good so he very kindly didn't say anything. He was just going to fall back asleep. 

"Move out of the way Kevin." Or not. 

Andrew sighed heavily at the sound of his brother’s voice. Of course it was Aaron banging on the door at six fucking am. Didn't the pre-med asshole know that sleep was extremely important for one’s health? 

Kevin grumbled something unintelligible and Andrew heard as the man shuffled around, too tired to even lift his feet, before the loud creak of the bed rang throughout the room. Bastard. 

Andrew sighed. He pressed a kiss to Neil's shoulder before he sat up, instantly regretting it when he saw Aaron's annoyed face staring up at him. The scowl only got worse when Neil sat up too, his hair a wild mess because the idiot was too lazy to put his hair in his bonnet. All Andrew wanted to do was to go back to bed. "What do you want Aaron?" He asked, his voice hoarse from sleep. Or rather his lack of sleep. 

Neil rubbed his eyes, looking too cute to be real. Then he, a certified asshole, leaned against Andrew and gave a pointed look at Aaron. "Since we're up, want to go get breakfast?" He asked. "We can even bring the ugly clone along." 

"We're identical." Aaron spat. 

Neil slowly looked Aaron up and down with a disgusted look on his face. "No you're not." He said. He then turned to look at Andrew, his eyes shinning too brightly for how early it was. He looked like he was expecting a kiss, praise for being an asshole. And Andrew was going to give it to him. 

Andrew gave him a quick kiss before turning his attention back onto Aaron. "What do you want, Aaron?" 

Aaron crossed his arms over his chest. He looked nervous, unsure of himself and Andrew couldn't blame him. They hadn't exactly talked much since the conversation they had with Bee. They had their weekly lunch where they talked about school or mundane things but they hadn't spent any real time together. Every time Andrew thought about inviting Aaron over, to teach him the basics of embroidery or just to talk, he got nervous. He got overwhelmed with all the things they had said before, years and years of words shared between them. They were supposed to sit down with Bee again this weekend but it seemed Aaron was going to speed that time line up. 

"It’s our birthday." Aaron finally said, not looking at Andrew or Neil. "I figured we could, you know, spend it together. Or something." 

Andrew blinked slowly, his brain racing to catch up to whatever it was that Aaron was saying. Obviously he knew it was their birthday, he didn't have anything planned for it besides staring at Neil for at least an hour but he didn't expect Aaron to come banging on their door at six in the god damn morning. 

"Don’t you have classes?" Neil asked as if he was actually concerned for Aaron's academic success. At most he was only worried about Andrew’s future, but he would be up for helping Andrew skip classes the whole day. 

"Nothing important." Aaron muttered. "There’s this diner that has a sale on pancakes and waffles between six and seven. If you want to go." 

And well, Andrew couldn't say no to that. "Only if Neil comes." He said, gesturing to the Neil he had clinging onto him. He swore he saw Neil's lips twitch upwards in an almost smirk. 

Aaron didn't look too happy about it but he nodded anyways and that was all Andrew needed. 

Twenty minutes and one sharpie that led to Kevin having dicks drawn all over him later and Andrew was ready for pancakes and waffles. It was his birthday, he was going to treat himself. Neil wore a long dark green skirt and one of Andrew’s sweaters that was too big on him. He looked very kissable, but Andrew had to wait. He still wasn't very comfortable doing anything more than a quick kiss in front of his brother. And he wanted to do a lot more than just a quick kiss. He still took Neil's hand into his own though, he would always hold Neil's hand. 

Aaron didn't comment on it, just walked with them in a slightly uncomfortable silence down to the car. 

Andrew shoved Neil into the passenger seat and got into the driver's seat himself, leaving Aaron to the backseat. 

"You know I can drive, right?" Neil asked with a smirk on his kissable lips. 

Andrew snorted. He doubted that Neil's driving was anything close to sensible, knowing Mary she probably taught him how to win imaginary street chases while not being caught by the police. "If your driving is anything like your personality then it’s not driving- it’s being a menace to society." 

Neil rolled his eyes fondly, relaxed and perfectly safe in the passenger seat as Andrew drove to the address Aaron gave him. His eyes were clear and bright, his smile brighter than the sun and his curls crazy and ruffled from sleep. He was a sight Andrew never wanted to look away from. But he was driving. Fuck. "You know I’m only a menace for you." He said. 

"So chasing teachers with scissors was for me?" Andrew asked. He saw the look on Aaron's face in the rear view mirror, the surprise and disbelief. Which, Andrew understood. Neil looked like a harmlessly cute guy on the best of days and sometimes he looked like a gremlin someone found in a dumpster but he didn't overtly seem like someone who was deeply disturbed. But he was. And Andrew loved that part of him. 

"Yes it was." Neil argued, even though he knew it wasn't true. "I was just-" 

"Being a menace?" Andrew suggested. "Or how about being a disturbed child." 

Neil glared at Andrew but all it did was make Andrew want to kiss him. "Fuck you, Drew." He said. "I thought we agreed I wasn't a disturbed child." 

"No, we did not." Andrew held out a hand towards Neil for him to take. 

Neil did, smiling as Andrew brought their tangled up hands to his lips to give Neil's hand a kiss. He let their hands fall onto his lap and tried to focus on driving. He was sure that Aaron caught a glimpse of what he did but he was trying not to care. His brother wasn't homophobic, even if the fear of being cursed at was still there. 

"Oh hey, Drew, remember that time we re-enacted angry birds?" Neil asked, shuffling in his seat to lean closer to Andrew. 

Andrew hummed in agreement. He didn't point out that that wasn't exactly what they did- rather they threw rocks at random kids as they sat safely in the trees. In Neil's eyes that was what angry birds was, because he didn't play any video games and Andrew was too in love to ever correct him. 

Neil filled the silence caused by the brothers with ease, reminiscing about a definitely skewed past. It was wrong in multiple parts, and based on Neil's grin, it was on purpose. But Andrew couldn't call him out on it, he was going to let his menace have his fun. 

The diner they pulled up to was nice, the parking lot wasn't extremely busy and it seemed to be mostly older people inside. It made sense since no college student was going to give up any amount of extra sleep they could get. Aaron was out of the car the moment it was in park, waiting impatiently for Andrew and Neil to join him. For that, Andrew wanted to stay inside the car for the end of time, just to be difficult. 

"We can just stay in here," Neil suggested. "Lock him out and look at pictures of King." 

Andrew looked at his menace, at his sparkling blue eyes and the knowing smile on his face. He could stay here with Neil all day, listening to whatever made up crap he came up with. He could kiss him and hold his hand and just be without any expectations or tension. But he couldn't, he had to do this with his brother because he wanted his brother in his life and he promised to try. "Come on, you menace." He said as he unbuckled his seatbelt. "I want pancakes." 

Neil's smile only got bigger, brighter, like he knew what Andrew was going to do from the start. Andrew loved him so much. "Kay," he agreed easily. 

The two of them got out of the car and Neil rushed over to Andrew’s side. He offered his hand and Andrew easily took it. Aaron only looked at their hands once, his face searching but not cruel or hateful. Andrew could work with that. 

Aaron led the way into the diner and did all the talking. When they were finally seated at a booth, far away from the prying eyes of the old people who couldn't stop staring at Neil and Andrew, whatever tension the twins had left came back. Andrew was sure that it was due to numerous reasons, but he assumed the biggest was Neil. 

"Drew, is he just going to stare at me this whole time?" Neil asked in French, using his menu to hide part of his face. It didn't do much when he kept looking over the top of it to glance at Aaron with bored disinterest. 

"Probably." Andrew responded. One hand still in Neil's he grabbed his own menu and looked over all the pancake options. The smallest number of stacks was three and Neil would probably end up sharing his final one. Or maybe he would get the waffles and share some of it with Andrew. 

"Huh, well it's annoying." Neil stated. "I only like it when you stare at me." 

Andrew sighed, the tips of his ears flushing. He gave Neil an unimpressed look that had no effect on the menace. He wanted to kiss the stupid look off of Neil's face, to hold him and never let go. But first he needed his pancakes. 

"Aaron," Andrew looked at his brother, surprise written all over his twin's face. "Instead of staring at him, why don't you ask whatever's on your mind." 

Aaron looked between Andrew and Neil, his fingers picking at the plastic of the menu. He swallowed harshly before he nodded slowly. He looked at Neil, Andrews eyes following, and asked, "Did your mother really kidnap you?" 

Andrew let out a sharp sigh, slapping his menu down onto the table. Of course Aaron started there, of course he went for the throat. For the things Andrew and Neil only ever talked about alone, in the safety of their room. "Aaron." He warned. 

"It’s okay, Drew." Neil promised, his hand squeezing Andrew’s tightly. He gave Andrew a soft smile, one that was only ever meant for Andrew and Andrew gave his hand a squeeze back. He trusted Neil to know his limits. He would give what he could give and that was that. He wouldn't push himself for Andrew, and certainly not for Aaron. 

Neil's smile got a bit bigger before it disappeared from his face as he looked at Aaron. His face was closed off, his thoughts carefully hidden by a dull expression. "Yes, I was." He told Aaron. 

"What about your father?" Aaron asked. "Where was he?"

"Aaron." Andrew hissed. 

"Your guess is as good as mine." Neil said with a detachment that Andrew did not believe for a minute. 

Andrew had never met Neil's father, but he still had strong opinions on the man. Negative and violent opinions about him. All he knew was that the man was an abusive piece of shit who hurt a small and weak Neil and was the subject of Mary's hallucinations. And he also knew that Neil still had issues with older men because of it, he remembered all the flinches and cowering even as Neil slowly forgot what his father had done to him. It wasn't a topic they really ever talked about for a reason. The man still haunted Neil. 

"Last I heard he was causing trouble in Poland." Neil continued. He was trying to come off as nonchalant but his grip on Andrew’s hand told a different story. 

"Aaron shut the hell up." Andrew hissed when he saw Aaron open his mouth to say something. Probably something stupid. "You said you wanted to get to know him, this is a chance to do that. Don’t be a fucking asshole." 

Aaron gripped the menu tightly, the plastic crumpling under his fingers. He looked like he wanted to object but he didn't. He just gave a curt nod and turned his attention back onto Neil. "Are you in love with Andrew?" He demanded. 

Andrew was very close to reaching over the table to strangle his brother. Who the fuck asked that kind of question to someone they didn’t know? 

Neil frowned, his head tilted slightly to the side. "Not that its any of your business, but of course I do." He answered with far more civility than Andrew expected him to. 

But it was probably for the best, considering that Andrew felt his ears burn at the admission. It wasn't the first time they had ever said that they love each other, but they never said it out loud like this, out in the open where anyone could hear them. Andrew should kill Aaron for this. 

"It is my business." Aaron argued. "It’s my brother you're dating." 

Neil rolled his eyes, his jaw tense and Andrew was sure that he wanted to go off on Aaron. To say things that would honestly get him arrested. 

But before he could, the nervous looking waitress came by and quickly took their orders. She didn't even flinch at the amount of pancakes and waffles Andrew ordered. Even if he couldn't finish it all now it would be his midnight snack. 

The moment she left, Aaron was back onto his bullshit with Neil. "What hobbies do you have?" 

Neil blinked slowly. He glanced at Andrew in question but Andrew had nothing to save him with. Aaron wanted to know Neil, and this was the chance he was getting. As long as the questions didn't stray into dangerous territory then Andrew wouldn't be stepping in. 

Neil glared at Andrew slightly when he figured that out but it had no affect on Andrew. It wasn't even that bad of a glare, the one Neil gave his mother when she tried to kicked Andrew out back into a storm and to his abusive foster parents was far worse. "I like math and running." He muttered. 

"And to cause chaos." Andrew added. That was very important, it was central to Neil's character. There wasn't a day where Neil didn't decide to be a problem. 

"Yeah that too." Neil agreed. 

Aaron no longer had a menu to crumple so he grabbed a napkin and slowly shredded it beyond recognition, all the while glaring at Neil. "Are you attending school?" 

Neil nodded. "Yeah, getting my GED right now and after that I’m planning on going to Palmetto. If my uncle doesn't bitch about it." 

Andrew hummed something noncommittal. He didn't know much about Neil's uncle, he wasn't a person they routinely spoke about even if he was Neil's only living relative who didn't put their hands on him. Neil just never mentioned him that much, and Andrew couldn't say he particularly liked him even with how little he knew about him. "It’s not like he can stop you." He muttered. "You’re a grown adult." 

Neil just shrugged. If his uncle became a problem then Andrew would just have to deal with him. He wouldn't let anyone hurt or control Neil again. 

"What would you major in?" Aaron pressed on. 

"Uh, probably mathematics." 

"What are your future plans?" 

"Being with Drew." Neil answered confidently. Andrew had to kill him, it was the only way to make him shut the hell up. 

Aaron looked constipated but he pressed on. He asked more and more questions, some of them were juvenile but some of them were things that Andrew and Neil hadn't spoken about yet- mostly around their future plans after college. Andrew had an idea himself about that, mainly surrounding putting a ring on Neil's finger, but it wasn't something he ever gave real, hard thought to. He had never expected to have this- to have Neil not only by his side but as his life partner. He still didn't want to test the universe by wanting more, by thinking further than a year or two. 

The interrogation was interrupted by the waitress bringing over their food and Andrew happily stuffed his face with food. 

"How the hell can you eat with one hand?" Aaron asked, holding both a fork and knife in both of his hands. Like a loser. He was staring at both Neil and Andrew’s plates in both slight disgust and major bewilderment. 

"Fuck you, that’s how." Andrew retorted. Just to be an ass, he made a show of drowning his pancakes in syrup and chopping up sections with his fork. He and Neil were both masters at the one handed eating trick. As kids, they refused to stop holding hands for any reason whatsoever and it still applied to them now. They had had years of practice, of staring down annoying adults who tried to stop them, and throwing grade A tantrums. Plus, King sometimes wanted to be held while Andrew was trying to eat, so Andrew had plenty and plenty of practice. 

"It helps when your mom beat ambidextrous into you." Neil casually said as he cutely stabbed his strawberries with his fork. 

Andrew let out a long suffering sigh, adding another one of Mary's crimes to the growing list. 

Aaron choked on his water, but he was on his own for this one. If he choked to death that wasn't Andrew’s problem, because Neil couldn’t be fucking casual about this. 

"Neil, what the fuck?" 

"Hm?" Neil looked at Andrew, his big blue eyes blinking at him innocently. Andrew was going to murder him. "What?" 

"You can’t just- when the fuck did she do that?" Andrew demanded. 

"Somewhere between France and Switzerland." Neil explained. "I don't really remember when she did it exactly, but I remember her yelling at me that I had to be able to shot a gun or fight with my left hand just as well as my right hand." 

Aaron was still choking to death on his water. 

Andrew pinched the bridge of his nose, taking in a deep, deep breath. He was going to make that woman suffer when he got down to hell. Whatever punishment she was potentially facing wasn't strong enough for everything she did to Neil. "Neil, we'll talk about this later." He said. He gave Neil's hand a hard squeeze, trying his hardest to convey all the things he couldn't say out loud. He needed Neil to know that they would sort it all out alone. Mary was dead, and they were alive and would get through it all. 

"What the fuck?" Aaron asked, his voice hoarse. 

"Let’s just, move on." 

The rest of breakfast was thankfully quiet, only full of Neil teasing Andrew’s sugar consumption and Aaron staring holes into their faces. Aaron paid for breakfast and Neil carried Andrew’s leftovers back to the car. 

"I’m going to drop you off at home." Andrew told Neil in French as they got into the car. "Aaron will be a complete bitch if keep tagging along." Which was true, but Andrew also wanted to take this chance to bond with his brother. He had something to do, something extremely important and he wanted Aaron there. This would be the only time they could do this. 

Neil nodded. He got himself buckled and leaned back into the seat. "Okay," he agreed easily. "I’ll just get Bee to tell me embarrassing stories about you." 

Andrew rolled his eyes. "Of course you will, menace."

The moment Aaron was in the car, Andrew took off. The drive back was quiet, even Neil keeping silent as he stared out the window like he was memorizing every little detail of the scenery that passed him by. Andrew put his hand on Neil's thigh halfway through the drive, squeezing tight and relaxing when Neil put a hand over his in response. 

Andrew pulled into his driveway, next to his mom's car. She took the day off from work and was no doubt inside baking and cooking for the twins' birthday. Parked behind Bee's car was the latest edition to their growing family- Stephanie's car. She had finally finished her work and had made the move down to South Carolina. Andrew was sure that movers trucks and delivery trucks with her stuff would soon be crowding the road in the upcoming days. 

"Tell my mom that I want some cookies." Andrew told Neil as he put the car in park. 

Neil nodded and gave an affirmative hum. He would stay with Bee and King and Stephanie- and hopefully not get freaked out by her- while Aaron and Andrew went off for some brotherly bonding. Yay. 

"I want chocolate chip, sugar cookie, snicker doodle, and double chocolate chip." Andrew instructed his idiot as Neil got out of the car. "None of that raisin shit." 

Neil laughed, turning to give Andrew a fond smile. He left, letting Aaron to fill the seat and walked across the front of the car. He came to a stop at Andrew’s door and waited for him to roll the window down. 

"What?" 

Neil leaned into the car, forearms resting on the window strip things, a devilish smirk on his face. "Can I have a goodbye kiss?" He asked. 

"Shut the fuck up." Andrew grabbed Neil by his shirt and tugged him into the car for his kiss. 

Neil laughed, reaching out to cup Andrew’s face in his warm hands. Andrew silenced him by pressing their lips together, melting into it with ease. Neil sighed against him, tilting his head to deepen the kiss and Andrew would be a fool to deny him what he wanted. Someone moaned into the kiss, it was impossible to tell who- Andrew never knew where he ended and Neil started when they kissed like this, like their lives were on the line. Andrew could kiss and kiss Neil until he was dead and buried, his arms wrapped around the one boy who made him feel alive and his breath constantly being stolen as their lips moved against each other. 

"Can you fucking not?" Aaron asked, breaking Andrew and Neil's perfect little bubble. 

Andrew and Neil pulled away from each other, still holding onto each, to glare at Aaron for being a good time ruiner. Andrew at the very least could relax at the fact that only annoyance was on Aaron's face, no hatred, no disgust. Just pure brotherly annoyance. 

"Do you mind?" Neil asked, his fingers twisting and twirling Andrew’s hair this way and that way. "We're busy." 

Aaron's scowl only got worse as he climbed into the passenger seat. He crossed his arms over his chest and glared at Neil. "I do mind." He said. "Aren't you supposed to go tell Bee Andrew’s cookie order?" 

Neil rolled his eyes with an annoyed huff that Andrew just wanted to tease him about. And kiss him about. Because Neil should get all the kisses so he knew how loveable he was. "That can wait." He said. 

"Can you just fuck off so I can spend my birthday with my brother?" Aaron asked, the tension in his body unmistakable. 

Andrew looked at him long and hard. He knew Aaron had to be just as nervous as Andrew was about their relationship, and about this day. They could make a lot of progress or ruin everything. And Andrew wanted to do something to improve their relationship and it seemed that Aaron did too. Andrew took a deep breath and turned to Neil. "Bun, go inside and do whatever you gotta do." He said, pressing a quick kiss to Neil's lips. 

Neil hummed, looking rather comfortable in the weird half in the car and half outside. His legs were up in the air, swinging wildly. "Okay, Drew." He agreed. He got himself another quick kiss before he expertly removed himself from the car. Andrew added that to the list of things to talk about later. "Have fun, Drew!" 

Andrew nodded and watched as Neil walked up and into the house. Neil gave one last wave before he went inside, the door closing fast before King could realize that Andrew was there. Andrew couldn't bring her along, sadly. But soon he'd cat-nap her into the dorms. Andrew glanced over at Aaron, the silence between them awkward and shakey. So before they could try to break it, Andrew zipped out of the driveway and hit the road. 

"Where are we going?" Aaron asked once they got onto the highway. 

Andrew swerved around idiot drivers who didnt know how to fucking drive and ignored Aaron’s question. He would find out when they got there. 

"Okay, great talk." Aaron mumbled, turning to look out the window. 

Andrew counted up to five minutes, driving in a way his mother would not approve of, before he broke the silence. "Are you going to antagonize Neil every time you talk to him?" He asked. 

"Yes. I will." Aaron said defiantly. 

"Try not too." Andrew sighed, pulling off the highway when he saw the correct exit. "He’s been known to use anything and everything as a weapon." 

Aaron gave Andrew a look. It was one of worry, disbelief, and judgment. "And you want that?" 

“Absolutely." 

Aaron let out a loud sigh, running his hands over his face. "Why do I bother worrying?" He muttered. 

Andrew had nothing to say to that, shoving whatever feelings that brought up deep, deep down. He'd deal with it at a later date. If ever. The silence wasn't as bad anymore, as Andrew drove them around, navigating streets and idiots on the road. Aaron at the least was no longer staring out of his window, instead occasionally warning Andrew about a driver who was going to try and cut him off. 

"Andrew, why are we at a jewelers?" Aaron asked as Andrew pulled up into the correct parking lot. The sign on the building matched the one Allison had been talking about, and since it was early on a weekday it was near empty. Perfect. Andrew had no desire to have an audience. 

"For jewelry." Andrew told him. 

"Do you have to be an asshole?" Aaron asked. 

"Yes." 

Andrew parked the car, turned it off and got out. Aaron followed, still confused and annoyed. But he dutifully followed Andrew inside. The place was empty except for one other person and the employee helping them. It smelled of expensive and slightly over priced jewels, but this wasn't Andrew’s first time picking out engagements rings. Plus he was getting his custom made. 

"I’ll be right with you sir," the employee called out. She seemed busy helping the dumbass in front of her staring at rings with the smallest diamonds possible. 

"Andrew what the hell?" Aaron asked. 

Andrew ignored him, looking around until he saw a sitting area near the back with booklets and a computer. He assumed that was the custom order placement station or whatever it was called. So Andrew made the executive decision to march over there and take a seat. He had an idea of what he wanted the ring to look like- he had been planning this ring for over a decade by this point, after all. But he still grabbed the little booklets and flipped through the pages. 

Aaron sat down next to him, his confusion becoming clearer and clearer by the second. "Andrew," he asked slowly. "What are we doing here?" 

"I believe that’s obvious." Andrew said. He turned the pages, looking at all the different styles and prices. He immediately rejected any that had those stupid square gems, they looked stupid and he would stand by that. He also rejected any band design that was too thin. He knew what Neil was like, he knew he would need the better durability the thicker band would provide. Plus, it would just look better on Neil's hand. This would be a ring Neil would wear for the rest of their lives, it had to be perfect. 

"Okay so we're here to look for rings?" Aaron asked. "But why?" 

"I can’t tell if you really are stupid or you're just in denial." Andrew sighed, lowering his booklet to stare at his idiot brother. 

A variety of emotion flew across Aaron's face before he landed on judgment and concern. "No." He said. "Don’t tell me you're-" 

"Proposing to Neil?" Andrew finished for him. "Of course I am." He had been thinking about this since he was a child. His and Neil's wedding was Andrew’s biggest daydream, he worked on invitations, the perfect venue, what food they would eat, and even what King would be dressed up in day after day. He spent his drawing time to creating their wedding, he looked at things in magazines to make the perfect wedding dress for Neil. He had been planning this for years, over a decade, and now he had the opportunity he thought he lost to do it. He was going to propose to Neil and then he was going to marry Neil and it would be the best day of Andrew’s life. No one would be able to take Neil away from him again. "Of course I am." 

Aaron groaned, burying his head into his hands, mumbling to himself like that was going to change anything. "Andrew you can’t be serious." He said as he lifted his head to glare at him. 

"Well, I am." Andrew shrugged. He had been serious when he was eight and he was serious now, when he was nineteen. He didn't care about what society thought of them or how they should be progressing in their relationship. He and Neil knew what was best for them and this was what was best for them. 

"Andrew," Aaron stressed, looking two seconds from an aneurysm. "You’re way too young to even be thinking about getting married! You've only been dating him for what? A month or two?" 

Andrew took a deep breath. He had to remind himself that Aaron didn't know their long, extensive history. That Aaron didn't know that Andrew had been willing to give Neil everything since the day they met. One day he would tell it all to Aaron, but not now. Not in such a public place. "I’m going to marry Neil and I...I want you to be supportive of this." He admitted. 

Aaron's jaw nearly fell onto the floor, his identical eyes wide with surprise. "What?" He asked. 

Andrew picked at the corner of the booklet, picking and picking at the plastic as he searched for the right words for this conversation. "I want you to be supportive of this." He repeated slowly. "Of me and Neil. I couldn't care less what the world thinks of us, it’s none of their business. But you're my brother. I want you to accept it." 

Aaron kept staring at Andrew like he had grown a second head, eyes still wide and jaw still hanging open like it was broken. He tried to speak, only ever able to get out a broken jumble of noises out. It took several minutes, the sound of heels coming closer and closer to them, for Aaron to finally regain control over himself and nod. "Okay." He finally said. "Okay." 

Andrew nodded, his hands shaking as he set the booklet down onto the table. "Okay." He repeated back to him. This was good. They were good. That's all he wanted. 

The lady, probably in her forties, sat down across from Andrew and Aaron, which gave the twins a moment to gather themselves and not deal with what just happened. "Sorry about that." She said, folding her hands in front of her on the table. "How can I help you?" 

"I need a custom engagement ring." Andrew instructed, shoving down any emotion or thought that wasn't about Neil and the ring. "I want a thick silver band with a four carat moissanite ring. I want a round cut and a halo around it." 

"Just how long have you been planning this?" Aaron asked in a whisper. 

"Since I was eight." 

"Jesus fuck." 

It took an hour for the employee to get the design exactly how Andrew wanted- always trying to change things to her own preference as if Andrew didn't know what would look best on Neil. Even Aaron pitched in some ideas, surprising Andrew but it definitely wasn't unwelcomed. By the end, Andrew was vibrating with nerves, with the realization that oh fuck, he was doing this. He was going to buy an engagement ring for his menace. 

The lady showed a modeled up ring on the computer, their final design after all the back and forth. "Any chances?" She asked, sounding two seconds away from kicking Andrew and Aaron out. 

The ring was exactly as Andrew pictured it- silver, with a thicker but not too thick band, a round four carat moissanite gem in the center with a halo of gems, and gems on the band. The gems on the band didn't go all the way around though, Andrew was sure that if they did then Neil wouldn't find it comfortable especially with his scars. The gems stopped right where Neil's fingers would met, creating a beautiful and comfortable design for Neil to wear. For the rest of their lives. 

"I want to add an engravement." Andrew said. It would be simple, easy and only important to him and Neil. But it would make Neil so happy. 

The lady nodded and clicked some things on her computer. Aaron raised an eyebrow at Andrew, a question written all over his face. He didn't ask anything though, just looked over Andrew’s shoulder as Andrew wrote down what he wanted engraved onto the band. Andrew slid the piece of paper over with a calmness he certainly didn't feel. He was freaking out on the inside. He was doing this. 

"If it’s possible to copy my handwriting do that." Andrew instructed. 

The lady nodded and went back to typing on her computer. "And what size is the ring?" She asked. 

"Five and a half, but it'll have to be resized later." Andrew explained. Neil was still slowly gaining weight, now that he was in a healthier environment but he was still too skinny. Andrew was hoping to get Neil to put some more weight on so the ring would most likely need to be resized later on. Of course, it might take a while since Neil's solution to all his problems was to run but they were working on it. 

The lady nodded and went back to her computer, typing and typing. Andrew and Aaron waited until all the updates were completed and Andrew approved of the final design. He got the total for the ring and reached into his wallet to grab his card. 

"Uh, not that it’s any of my business but how are you going to pay for this?" Aaron asked as Andrew swiped his card. 

"I have my ways." Andrew said. He didn't need to mention that those ways involved scamming his sister's friends out of money with all those stupid bets. And the card counting trick Neil showed him when they were ten. It was on those idiots for always asking him to join their card games and to continuously bet on everything. 

"Okay, whatever." Aaron sighed. 

Andrew wrapped everything up, got his receipt and order confirmation. It would take about four to five weeks if there were no delays. It gave Andrew plenty of time to come up with the perfect proposal, to talk to his mom about it all and to get teased by his sister. He just had to keep a lid on this. He could do this. 

Aaron didn't say anything until they were in the car, sitting there unsure of what to do now. "Uh, there's an arcade like ten minutes from here." He said, unsure and a bit nervous. 

Andrew nodded, hands gripping the steering wheel. "Navigate?" 

Aaron sat up straight, phone in hand, and nodded. "Yeah, yeah." He agreed. 

Andrew nodded and easily followed Aaron's directions, the air easier to breathe now. 

The arcade was, like the jewelry shop, empty. Only a few probably unemployed adults or the occasional kid who was too young to be in school wandering about. But it meant that Andrew and Aaron could play video games in piece without kids screaming in their faces or annoying parents. 

They paid for their admission and got a bunch of coins from the machine. They split it evenly between them and set off. Andrew quickly found a stupid and no doubt rigged claw machine game that had a stupid fox Keychain in a ball as a prize. He decided quickly that he needed to see Neil add it to his keys. It needed it to live. 

"You know these things are rigid, right?" Aaron asked as Andrew settled in to destroy the machine. 

"Shut the hell up." Andrew told him. If worse came to worse he'd wait for the employees to go into the back and break into the machine to get the stupid keychain. He grew up with Neil Menace Hatford, he knew how to pick pretty much any lock in the world. 

"Uh huh," Aaron said as he watched Andrew’s first attempt end in failure. "Let me know if you win." He said. 

Andrew waved him off, focused on getting that stupid keychain. He could probably just order one online but he wanted to win this for Neil. Anyone could buy something stupid online, but not everyone could win a rigged claw game. Andrew was focused on his game, ignoring the world around him until he finally won the stupid keychain for his idiot after thirty seven tries. He fucking beat the stupid machine and he got his spoils of war for his future fiancé. His future husband. 

"Wow, you're so talented." Aaron deadpanned as Andrew smugly held up the keychain to him. He had won a couple hundred tickets while he was off doing his own thing, all of them shoved into a plastic bucket. Andrew was actually a bit surprised that the arcade still did tickets, he was sure the majority still did the whole card points system. But whatever. The tickets were more satisfying anyways. 

"Shut up." Andrew told him. Neil would appreciate all the effort that he put in to get this. He would even give Andrew a kiss and a cute smile. 

Aaron rolled his eyes and walked off to another game. Andrew followed, after he stuck his prize in his pocket. Aaron found a shooter game and waited for Andrew to join him. 

It wasn't the first shooter game Andrew had played, the first being the one Aaron had introduced him too back when they were sixteen. That year had probably been the best they had after Andrew reported Tilda. They spent a lot of time playing video games together, Aaron always got frustrated whenever Andrew beat him. He hadn't played one in an arcade before though. He might have to bring Neil here and let him go wild with the shooting things, it might be therapeutic for him. 

"Ready?" Aaron asked as he inserted the coins. 

Andrew nodded, lifting up the plastic gun and aiming it at the screen. "Try not to fuck up." 

"Oh fuck you." 

Three hours later, Andrew and Aaron were enjoying the shitty pizza they ordered along with all the candy Andrew got with his tickets. The cotton candy was good. So was the fizzy drinks. He had also gotten a cat keychain, and a miniature gumball machine and a bag of gumballs. It was a good haul. Aaron had managed to get some random trinkets and a frog stressball that Andrew was sure wouldn't last more than two days. It had been fun. 

Getting all those tickets, constantly trying to one up each other and watching Aaron lose his mind as Andrew kept winning games he had never played before. He had to wonder if this was what a proper outing with his brother was meant to be. If this was what it meant to have a healthy relationship with his brother. If it was, then he wanted it more than he thought he did. 

"Can I ask you something?" Aaron asked. 

Andrew nodded. He grabbed another slice of pizza and took a large bite out of it. He should bring some back for Neil, he would like the pizza. 

"Why’d you bring me to the jeweler?" Aaron asked. He was leaning over the table, gripping the edge as he stared at Andrew intensely. "I thought- it just seems like you would've brought Renee instead. It’s not like we're that close." 

Well, Aaron wasn't wrong. Andrew was much closer to Renee, and he did want his sister to be involved in this process. But he wanted a relationship with Aaron. Renee would help with other things. She'd make fun of him the entire time but she would be as involved as Aaron would hopefully be. "I wanted you there." He said. "That’s all there is to it."

Aaron stared at him, no judgment in his eyes, in his expression. Just slow understanding. He leaned back into his chair and looked out into the arcade, something nice and calm settling over the two of them. “Okay.” He said. His next words were quiet, only for Andrew to hear. “Thank you, Andrew.”

“You’re welcome, Aaron.”

-

When Andrew and Aaron finally got home, the scent of cookies filled the air and Andrew promptly abandoned Aaron to go steal those cookies before someone got to them. Neil was looking like a dream in the kitchen, a smile on his face as he talked to Bee- it was more like he was listening to Bee and nodding along,  and held King in his arms. Renee was eating Andrews cookies like a fucking bitch, talking and chatting to her mom Stephanie, and Bee and Neil. Andrew made a line for his cookies. He grabbed the plate from Renee and took it to his seat next to Neil. Renee smiled at him and Andrew, rather maturely, shoved three cookies into his mouth and stared her down as he ate them. 

"Welcome back, Andrew!" Bee chuckled. "I see you found the cookies." 

"Hi, Andrew," Stephanie waved. She had a bright smile on her face, as did Bee, the both of them glowing in their lesbian happiness. "It’s so good to see you again!" 

Andrew gave his future step-mother a nod in acknowledgement. He was trying not to be a complete asshole to her yet. He would save that for after she became his legal step-mother. Then she couldn’t back out. 

Bee came over and with a nod from Andrew ruffled up his hair with a sweet smile on her face. It was nice. It was really nice. "Where's Aaron?" She asked. 

"Dead." Andrew deadpanned. 

Neil leaned against his shoulder, snuggling close with a smirk playing on his lips. "Oh thank god." 

"Neil," Bee warned but all Neil did was cuddle closer to Andrew. 

King meowed at the movement but just readjusted herself in Neil's arms. She was spoiled, but absolutely adorable so Andrew let it slide that she wasn't cuddling him. Or acknowledging his existence. 

"Fuck you, Neil!" Aaron spat as he came into the kitchen. 

"Language, Aaron." Bee warned but it had little effect at this point in their lives. 

"No thanks." Neil said with a grimace. Andrew loved him. 

Renee chuckled and quickly started up a ridiculous story about Matt and Seth, something about Seth trying to fight the lobsters at the grocery store- a story that easily could've been mistaken for something Neil would've done when they were kids. 

Andrew listened to the noises that filled his home, the way Bee chuckled and easily found her way back to Stephaine, the way Stephanie's smooth voice filled the space with questions Renee easily answered and the way she included Andrew and Aaron and Neil like it was the most natural thing on earth, the way Neil was warm pressed up against him, the way Aaron sat next to him and for once seemed to be present and active in their family. It was something that would have been inconceivable even just a few months ago- this peacefulness, this life. It wasn't something he ever thought he'd get and he was going to savor it for as long as he got to have it. 

Later that night, after dinner, after presents, after the delicious cake, Andrew and Neil ended up on the porch. Finally along after a long, long day. They sat on the porch swing, slowly rocking back and forth, back and forth, hands tightly entwined as they looked up at the stars. 

When Andrew proposed, he wanted to make sure it was under the stars. He wanted to bring Neil somewhere where it was just them, them and the stars. He wanted them to be under the constellations, the ones he so badly wanted to visit when he was a kid, as they took the next big step in their relationship. 

"So, did you enjoy your birthday?" Neil asked, his voice quiet and warm. 

"Aside from being woken up at six am, yes. I did." Andrew freely admitted. 

"Good," Neil sighed happily. "Oh, I have your present." 

"We already did presents, bun." Andrew reminded him. 

Neil leaned over to the porch and lifted up a bag that Andrew hadn't seen him grab before. He should probably ask Neil had he managed to hide things so easily, but he wouldn't. He wouldn't want to ruin Neil's fun. "Yeah, but I got you something else." He said with a hum as he plopped the bag into Andrew’s lap. "I got this totally legally, by the way." 

"That makes you seem suspicious, Neil." Andrew said. He reached into the bag with his free hand, pushing past the orange tissue paper until his fingers were met with something soft and fuzzy. 

"No it doesn't, Drew." Neil said. He leaned his head on Andrew’s shoulder, a smile on his face as he stared up at him with his big blue eyes. "Just take it out." 

Andrew did as Neil told him, gripping around the soft fur and pulled it out gently. He let the bag fall to the porch and blinked at what was in his hands. It was a rabbit plush. Soft, realistic, and a beautiful and familiar shade of auburn, in his hands while his Neil sat next to him with a big smile. 

"Surprise!" Neil said. "I got you a bunny." 

Andrew turned the rabbit this way and that way, staring at the cute little thing that was just so soft. His chest was warm and he wanted to hold onto it forever. It was ridiculous but he didn't care, he loved it more than anything else he had been given in years. 

"I figured you'd be lonely without Joseph around to keep you company." Neil explained. "So I got you your own." 

"Thank you, Neil." Andrew said quietly. He nudged Neil off his shoulder so he could kiss him. And kiss him he did. He pressed his lips against Neil's and lost himself in Neil. 

Neil pulled away, a smug yet fond smile on his face. "So you like it?" He asked, a hand coming up to cup Andrew’s face gently. Andrew was going to marry this man. He was going to propose the moment he got that ring. He couldn't wait to make this man his husband. 

"Of course I do, my menace.”

Chapter Text

Andrew woke slowly, the sun barely out and Neil squirming slightly in bed. King didn't seem to appreciate it, and neither did Andrew, as she meowed her annoyance at the movement. 

"Neil," Andrew whispered. "You’re annoying our daughter." 

Neil huffed and even with Andrew’s eyes still closed, he could feel Neil staring at him. "I want to go on a run." He whispered. 

Andrew sighed and slowly opened his eyes, being met with Neil's blue eyes and a very anxious expression on Neil’s face. It seemed like it was the seven o’clock zoomies. "Fine." He grumbled. 

Neil lit up, pushing himself up from the bed without any care to Andrew’s arm wrapped around him. Andrew let out a sigh as his arm fell back onto the bed, now Neil-less. King at the very least made up for it by nudging his face with her own cute one. Andrew gave her a little kiss and snuggled back into bed as Neil did his Neil things. He only peaked out of the blankets when he heard Neil reach the front door. 

"Okay, I’m going Drew." Neil called out, dressed in his ridiculously short running shorts. At least Andrew got to look at Neil's bubble butt. 

"Take your phone with you." Andrew reminded him. 

Neil reached into pocket and pulled his phone to show Andrew that he had it. Now, Andrew was sure that Neil would probably end up losing it but he didn't say that thought out loud. He just hummed and watched as Neil, stupid and cute, waved at him before heading out for his run. He missed him already.

"Well, wasn't that nice and domestic." Kevin muttered, completely ruining everything. 

"Didn’t I fucking kick you out?" Andrew demanded. He had this distinct memory of throwing Kevin and all of his shit out of the dorm the same night he stole King and brought her to the dorms. Him and Neil decided that King needed a whole bed to herself because she was a spoiled princess who needed space for her naps. She deserved a whole bed and more. She was the greatest creature alive. 

"This is my dorm!" Kevin yelled like a spoiled brat. King meowed her displeasure at the situation which meant that Kevin's punishment was death. "You can’t just kick me out." 

"Yes, I can." Andrew reminded him. He clearly remembered packing all of Kevin's shit and dropping it and him off at Jean’s dorm. He would have to, shudder, speak to Jeremy to convince Jean to keep Kevin. Otherwise Kevin would keep coming back and ruining Andrew’s domestic life with Neil and King. Andrew was going to be getting married soon, he and Neil needed to get used to living with just each other- and their princess King. Kevin needed to leave. 

"No you can't." Kevin argued.

Andrew sighed and sat up. He peered over the railing for his bed to glare at Kevin across the room. Kevin was glaring right back at him, laying on the bed Andrew had laid out for King. He looked like a child throwing a tantrum, defiant but completely un-intimidating. 

"Kevin," Andrew said slowly. "Get the hell out of my dorm." 

"Go fuck yourself." Kevin shot back. He pulled out one of his many history books out from under his bed and turned around, showing his back to Andrew. As if that was going to end the discussion. Andrew would just throw all his shit out again later. He was a patient man. 

Andrew got down from his bed, taking King with him, and let her wander around her new temporary home as he got ready for the day. Neil wouldn't be back for another hour, giving Andrew enough time to grab them breakfast and coffee before they split up again to go to their respective schools. Neil was hoping to finish getting his GED by the end of the year so he could come to Palmetto for the new fall semester. By then, Andrew might just get an off campus apartment with Neil. He wasn't too keen on being far away from his brother and sister but he and Neil were going to be engaged soon, it might be better for them to have a place of their own. They could also just dorm together and call it a day. But that was a discussion for a later time, after Andrew got down on one knee for Neil. 

Andrew got dressed, grabbed his wallet and was about to head out to get breakfast when the door to the dorm flung open. 

Neil was leaning on the door frame, not quite panting but definitely breathing heavier than normal. He wasn't sweaty like he usually was after a run, and he didn't seem to be injured. But Andrew’s alarm bells rang, all red and flashing 'warning' over and over again. Neil never came back from a run early, he always ran until he calmed down and was able to get the excess energy out. Not unless something was wrong. 

Andrew immediately rushed over to him, gently pulling him into the dorm and closing the door before King could wander out. "Neil," he said as a hand came up to cup the back of Neil's neck. "What happened?" 

Neil took a few deep breaths, in and out just like Bee had showed him. He shook his head and looked at Andrew with confused blue eyes. "I don't know." He admitted, talking slowly. His breathing was still unsteady, still rough around the edges. "I was running then it got hard to breath. There was a tightness in my chest and then I just-" he reached out, his hands hovering above Andrew’s shoulders. 

Andrew nodded, wrapping his other arm around Neil's waist to let Neil lean on him. And lean on him Neil did. Neil gripped Andrew’s shoulder and leaned most of his weight onto Andrew, letting out a little sigh of relief when Andrew expertly held him up. He would never let Neil fall. "You panicked." Andrew told him. 

Neil nodded, his hair brushing against Andrews cheek. "Yeah." He agreed. "I stopped and did those breathing exercises that Bee gave me but I don't think it worked." 

"So you came back?" 

"Yeah, figured that'd be the safest option." 

"Oh wow, look at that," Andrew kissed the exposed expanse of Neil's neck given to him. "You can think about your safety." 

Neil huffed, his fingers betraying his nervousness in the way they briefly dug into Andrew’s skin before loosening up. "I don't know why I got so panicked." He admitted. 

"We'll figure it out, bun." Andrew promised, with yet another mental curse to a dead woman. She completely fucked Neil over, ruining his mental health for potentially the rest of his life. He would find a way to bring her back just to kill her himself. But for now, he gently rubbed the small of Neil's back and gave him another kiss. Supporting and helping Neil was his top priority. "Why don't you stay with me all day?" 

Neil nodded without hesitation. "Yeah, I’d like that." 

Andrew hummed. He and Neil would figure it out later, after he relaxed and had time to think the situation over. If they needed to they would go back home to talk to Bee about it. She would be able to help Neil navigate his fears even if she couldn't treat him as a patient. She was even at the campus that day, so they could even go right after Andrew’s classes finished up if things got worse. They would figure it out together. 

"Do you two have to keep doing this in front of me?" Kevin demanded, reminding them all to his presence. 

Neil pulled away from Andrew just long enough to blink curiously at Kevin before looking back at Andrew. "Didn’t we kick him out, Drew?" He asked in innocent French. Andrew loved him so much.

"I can fucking understand you, assholes!" 

"We did indeed, my rabbit." Andrew confirmed. 

"I hate you guys so much."

-

Andrew grabbed Neil's hand, pulling him out of his seat and out of the lecture hall the moment the last word flew out of the professors mouth. He didn't care about anything other than getting Neil alone. Neil happily let Andrew drag him along, a smile on his cute insufferable face that had just spent the last hour and a half whispering insults about every single person in the lecture hall into Andrew’s ear. 

"You’re such a fucking menace." Andrew informed him. They left the lecture hall, now speed walking down the halls blatantly ignoring everyone around them. 

Neil just grinned, his hair falling into his beautiful face that had lost all traces of the panic he felt that morning. "You liked it," he said, obnoxiously swinging their connected arms around like he was a five year old. Andrew was going to marry this man so hard. "You've always liked my smart mouth." 

"Well you need to shut your smart mouth once in a while." Andrew informed him. They turned the corner and Andrew resisted the urge to shove Neil against the very public wall in order to kiss him stupid. That was a private act for them. 

Neil shook in head fondly. He leaned closer, pausing his swinging of their arms, his lips brushing against Andrew’s ear. "Make me." He whispered. 

Andrew glared at him. He had to do something about Neil and his smart mouth. He had a great idea, but he wondered if that was only encouraging him. Whatever, Neil was hot so it didn't matter. Andrew tugged Neil's hand and led him towards one of the bathrooms so he could shut him up. 

Sadly, they never got that far before Jean ValJean found them. He seemed pissed and well, Andrew couldn't deny that it gave him a load of satisfaction to see the man angry. Especially when he had a sneaking suspicion it was because of him. Jean spotted them, glaring harshly- although it still had nothing on Neil when he was genuinely pissed off- and marched towards them. 

"Looks like our make out session will have to wait, menace." Andrew sighed, doing nothing to get away.

"Fuck," Neil complained, a near pout on his lips. 

"Don’t be too upset, Neil," Andrew said as Jean stormed closer and closer. "We're about to get some grade A entertainment." 

"But I want kisses." Neil mumbled. 

Andrew had no time to promise Neil that he would get his kisses later, outside of a squeeze of his hand, before Jean was in front of them looking pissed. 

"Do you puny little rodents want to tell me why you have tried to shove Kevin into my dorm?" He demanded, his French accent heavy and his anger clear. It didn't phase Andrew, but it did amuse him. 

"I haven't the faintest idea what you mean." Andrew sighed. 

"Who's Kevin?" Neil asked with a disturbing amount of believability, a tilt to his head only adding to the effect. 

Jean didn't buy it. Smart choice, most of what came out of Neil's mouth was a lie when it didn't involve their family. And even then, if it involved Aaron there was a chance it was a lie. Neil really liked lying. "The next time you kick him out do not break into my dorm and drop all his shit there." 

"If we did know this Kevin person," Andrew started, "who else is going to complain? You don't have a roommate." He pointed out. It was well known in the group that was Renee's friends that Jean did have a roommate at the beginning of the year but due to problems arising immediately the other guy got kicked out into a single and it was too late to give Jean a roommate so the bastard got to have a a double to himself. Andrew was sure that he was using it to have ‘sleepovers’ with Jeremy. Which meant there would be no problem for him to share Kevin, if everything went to plan than it would all work out perfectly. They'd be in a throuple- therefore no problems. The idiots just had to follow Andrew’s plan like good little sheep.

Jean narrowed his eyes at Andrew, looming over both him and Neil but after a life time of literally everyone towering over him it meant nothing to him. Jean couldn't hurt him and his anger was more annoyance than genuine anger. "Stay the fuck out of my business." He spat. 

"What part of France are you from?" Neil asked, interrupting and catching Jean off guard. 

Jean blinked at him in surprise and suspicion. He leaned back, looking Neil up and down as if that could help him understand the confusing creature that was Neil. "Marseille." He said cautiously. 

Neil nodded in understanding. "Beautiful city." He agreed. "At least the tourist parts. My mom and I lived there for a few months about five years ago." 

"Oh." Jean said, twiddling with the straps of his backpack, very clearly caught off guard by Neil's civility. But he still continued the conversation, quickly joining Neil and Andrew in their mindless journey. Andrew decided that if they were going to be buddy buddy then he wanted food. "It is very different living there." He agreed, Neil nodding in agreement. "Tourist only see the pretty." 

"And the cost of living is too high." Neil added. "We lived in a studio." 

Andrew gripped Neil's hand tightly. The lack of privacy he had during formative years was concerning. But he knew it wasn't his place to speak up now. Andrew simply listened to Neil and Jean chat about France and the French, noting how even Neil's voice was, the slight detachment in it. He wondered if he would be open to revisiting France, but this time for fun and with him and maybe their family. Maybe he could do the technique Bee suggested, where they rewrite the bad experiences with new, good ones. But only if Neil was open to it. He'd take Neil to the eiffel tower and let the idiot attempt to climb it, he'd buy a bunch of sweets and desserts and share them with Neil who would only take a tiny bit. They'd get a room with a beautiful room and Andrew would spend all morning ravishing Neil in bed to the backdrop of Paris behind them. 

Somehow, the conversation turned to Neil's dislike of sweets- Andrew was positive it started as their favorite bakery which lead to Neil admitting his dislike of sweets but he had been distracted- and as Andrew filled a tray for him and Neil, it kept dragging on. 

"How can you not enjoy even a croissant?" Jean demanded, tray in hand as he grabbed random things. He wasn't paying any attention, just grabbing whatever as he admonished a lying Neil. "Damn Brit." 

Neil just shrugged. He took the tray that Andrew shoved into his hand, full of fruit and a grilled cheese sandwich, without bothering to look down at it. "I just don't. It’s too sweet and somehow just tastes like flour." He said in an effort to rile Jean up. It worked. 

Jean looked two second from banging his tray over Neil's head. "You simply lack culture." He said, voice strained. 

"No I’m plenty cultured." Neil argued. 

Andrew just tugged his idiots hand to led this group towards an empty table. It was best not to unleash these two idiots on anyone else. Except maybe Kevin, just to watch him explode. They all sat down and Andrew took to cutting his grilled cheese into tiny pieces. He wouldn't do this to his mom's grilled cheese though, for one the melted cheese would become a puddle on the plate instead of in his mouth; and for two, his mom’s grilled cheese actually had melted cheese in it. Unlike the school one. He would never disrespect his mother’s cooking. He could, however, disrespect the cafeteria's. 

"This conversation begs to differ." Jean pointed out with an exasperated look on his face. 

"Now that’s just rude." Neil huffed. The next cursed words out of his cursed mouth made Andrew nearly pop a boner right in the cafeteria, not because of what he said but how he said it- in a fucking British accent. "I’m British, it’s our culture to experience other cultures and claim them as ours." 

Jean spat out his food, coughing and choking. But he didn't matter. 

What mattered was the fact that Neil, Andrew’s Neil, could speak in such a hot British accent and never fucking mentioned it. Andrew was going to kill him. First, he was going to make Neil moan and scream in that accent as Andrew fucked him stupid. Then he was going to kill him for hiding this. Kill him with his lips, and his hands. Fuck. Andrew needed this man in his arms immediately. He needed to devour every fancy word that came out of that man's mouth. 

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Jean demanded through a coughing fit. Why the fuck was he still here again? He needed to go away. 

Neil shrugged and Andrew made the executive decision to grope his thigh. For reasons. Neil just blinked but didn't miss a beat with Jean. "I’m British." He explained. 

For some reason that made complete sense to Jean, as he grumbled into his food. He frowned, blinking at his tray in pure confusion. It was probably hitting him right there that he had grabbed random shit while in line arguing with Neil. Fuck, Andrew loved Neil. He was a real life rage baiter and it was amazing. "Why am I around you bastards?" He mumbled. 

Andrew shrugged. He reached for his bag and pulled out a pale yellow envelope decorated only with a sticker of two rings on the flap to keep it sealed. 

"I need to get out of here before you infect me with your stupidity." Jean continued on. He grabbed his tray, giving Neil a look that said their conversation wasn't over. 

"Before you go Frenchie," Andrew held out the invitation to his mom’s wedding and stared Jean down, daring the French man to reject this generous offer. 

Jean blinked in surprise, slowly and carefully reaching out to take the invitation. Andrew kind of wanted to try and take a bite of his fingers, just to fuck with the man. But he didn't because he was mature. He would bite Neil later, though but that was for very different reasons. "What is this?" He asked. 

"Invitation." Andrew said. "My mom is getting married. She's very kindly inviting my sister’s fuck ass friends to her very special and important day." 

"They’re your friends too, Drew." Neil poorly whispered, the British accent gone. Andrew would deal with him later. 

"Shut the hell up, Neil." 

Jean raised an eyebrow at Andrew, turning the envelope this way and that. Andrew supposed it could be surprising- he and Jean weren't friends and yet there he was, suddenly inviting Jean to his mom’s wedding, one of the most important days of her life. But it was Bee's wish to have their friends there. The wedding would be very, very small otherwise. Bee was disowned for being gay and Stephanie didn't have any family other than Renee and soon to be Andrew, Aaron, Bee and Neil. Andrew refused to let his mom be upset on her wedding. For any reason. He planned on threatening all the staff, just in case. 

"Why?" Jean asked. 

"Just shut up and RSVP, ValJean." Andrew dismissed, waving a dismissive hand at Jean. He had an idiot to deal with. 

Jean scowled at Andrew but he carefully tucked the envelope into his pocket. "Whatever." He muttered. "Make sure the next time you little vermin kick Kevin out you do not break into my dorm." He warned. 

Andrew ignored him. It wasn't like Jean could do anything to Andrew. He wasn't at all intimidating. 

Neil just shrugged and hurriedly dismissed Jean. "Talk to you later, Jean." He said, back in that damn British accent. 

Jean scowled while Andrew mentally fell to his knees. He didn't bother with anymore words. He just turned on his heels and left the cafeteria, tossing out his tray in the nearest trash can. Andrew could hear the faint French mumblings slowly drift away into the chatter of the cafeteria. 

Andrew turned to Neil, barely keeping himself back from shoving Neil against the bench and destroying him. "Did you have fun antagonizing the French?" He asked, squeezing Neil's thigh. 

Neil nodded, a tiny smile on his face as he looked at Andrew. His eyes were clear and bright, any trace of anxiety or fear from that morning gone. Good. "Yeah," he said leaning in closer. "It settled something in me. I think I was always meant to harass the French." 

Andrew rolled his eyes and pressed a gentle kiss to Neil's lips. As much as he wanted to make Neil fall apart in his hands, he would save it for a day that didn't start off with an anxiety attack. "Well that’s nice and all, but when the fuck were you going to tell me you had a British fucking accent?" He demanded. 

Neil blinked, trying to look confused and innocent but Andrew knew his tells. Sure, he was going to let Neil get away with it but the point was that Andrew knew when Neil was bullshitting him. "It’s just a bit, Drew." He lied. "I copied my mom and uncle’s accent." 

Andrew knew he was being lied too. He knew there was more too it. But he wouldn't push. Instead he gave Neil another well deserved kiss and pulled him in closer. "You'll tell me later." He whispered against Neil's lips. 

Neil melted against him, nodding and chasing Andrew’s lips for another kiss. "Okay, Drew." 

Andrew hummed and gave Neil what he wanted, pressing their lips together gently and slowly. He pulled back before it could go on longer, staying only a breath away. "How are you feeling?" He asked. 

"I’m okay, Drew." Neil whispered. "Pinky promise." 

"You're annoying." 

"Then you should shut me up." 

And Andrew was never one to deny Neil anything he wanted and he wasn't going to start now.

Chapter Text

Allison Reynolds was a genius when it came to fashion- she knew at one glance someone's color, what styles suited each person, and she knew what would or wouldn't work for someone. Whether that necklace would overwhelm an outfit, would take away from someone's natural neckline etc. However, she was also nearly insufferable and a complete bitch. Andrew couldn't let her become his sister-in-law, otherwise every family dinner would be full of snark and arguing. He couldn't do that to his mom, obviously. 

Allison's heels clicked against the cheap hardwood floors, walking down the halls of their college dorm building like it was a runway. Such a dramatic bitch. Meanwhile, Andrew was stuck carrying all of the fabric they had to run out to buy. They had ended up spending two hours in the shop, arguing over everything. It was finally time for Andrew to make the actual corset of Bee's dress. He had enough practice and Allison would be there to help him if he had trouble- however all they had left was the cheap practice fabric they had been using for months. And with winter break coming up Andrew and Allison had to rush to the store to get the proper fabric so they could get the corset done as quickly as possible. If only they could agree on anything. They had spent thirty minutes arguing about ribbons. Fucking ribbons. 

"Can you hurry up?" Allison demanded. "We have work to do." 

Andrew thought about throwing her down the stairs. Then promptly stopped before his sister used her psychic older sister powers to read his mind and beat him up. "I am carrying several pounds of fabric, ribbons, and thread." He informed her. "While you aren't doing shit." 

"Oh I'm doing shit," Allison countered. "I made sure you didn't ruin your mother's wedding dress." 

Andrew was going to schedule his sister for a brain injury because something had to be wrong with her if this was her type. "The fact that you think lace gloves would look good is inherently wrong." He hissed. 

That had been the main argument they had. While getting fabrics, they spotted some admittedly beautiful lace that they stopped to look at. Then Allison made a comment about Bee getting some lace gloves for her wedding day and it all spiraled from there. Andrew was firm in his belief that his mom would not like lace gloves, she wouldn't like the texture nor would it go with her dress. Maybe if the gloves had a solid white fabric as a base and then lace on top of it then that could be done. It would, possibly, look like embroidery which would match the hem of her dress. But that's not what Allison was going. And normally she was frustratingly correct but this time she was very wrong. Pure lace gloves wouldn't go with the dress. 

"The fact that you think you know what you're talking about is inherently wrong." Allison snarked, flipping her hair over her shoulder like one of those mean popular girls in teen movies. "Now hurry up." 

"I should gut you." Andrew sighed lazily. "Lace gloves won't go with the dress." 

"Yes the fuck it will." Allison argued. "It'll match the subtle lacing on the corset!" 

Okay, that was true. Andrew and Allison had added some lace to the bust, something simple and barely noticeable that would match the design Andrew drew up for the embroidery on the hem of the dress. However, that still didn't mean Allison was right. 

"Yes but the sleeves are see through. Gloves wouldn't make sense." The sleeves on the dress would be made from a sheer material and loose around the arm but would be cuffed at the wrists. He debated adding embroidery or lace on the pure white cuffs but he wasn't sure if that would overwhelm the dress or not so it was on the back burner. But the point still stood that adding gloves would be too much. 

"She can just wear a pair of short gloves, the ones that only go to the wrist. We can a little flair to it as well, you know. Add some frills or a bow." Allison argued, completely dismissing Andrew’s valid arguments. Andrew had to get Renee tested for brain damage. 

‘"No." Andrew simply said. "Thats too much. My mom isn't an attention seeking bi- person like you." He censored himself. He normally had no problem calling Allison a bitch- because she was- but it felt wrong when comparing her to his mom. It was like he was calling his mom a bitch and that was completely illegal. 

Allison raised a perfectly done eyebrow at him but didn't say anything about his slip up. So she might not be a total bitch but she was still one. "It’s her wedding." She argued. "She should be the focus! All eyes on her! She needs to be dolled up to the nines!" 

Andrew rolled his eyes, adjusting how he was holding the mountain of fabrics. Next time he was going to bring Neil along and make his cute ass help out. He couldn't just sit around being cute and causing chaos. "Except my mom is more modest than you." He said. "She won't want to be overwhelmed in her dress." 

Allison shook her head, sighing dramatically as if dealing with Andrew was the hardest thing in the world. Andrew hated her. "The point of fashion isn't to have the clothes outshine the wearer but to make them shine, you evil little midget." 

"Then you'd agree that the gloves are too much," Andrew ignored the slight about his height. He didn't have to take that from a woman who willingly wore three inch heels and would soon lose her kneecaps. "Why are you so obsessed with this?" 

"Because lace gloves are sexy as all fuck." Allison stated like it was obvious. "Also, the contrast between smooth skin and the rougher lace? Heavenly." 

Andrew cringed, his face distorting at the implications. The disgusting, disturbing, kill worthy implications of this whole thing. "I will skin you alive." He hissed, nearly gagging. "It will be a painful and long death." 

"Oh my god, shut up gaylord." Allison scoffed. "Live a little." 

"This is my mom we're talking about." Andrew gripped the fabrics tightly. Before he threw them at Allison's head. He couldn't do that to his moms dress, it was bad enough that Allison, the witch, was helping out so much. He would not disrespect his mothers wedding dress further. "Just because you despise your mom doesn't mean everyone does." 

Allison rolled her eyes, pulling out her dorm keys and a compact mirror from a tiny pocket in her skin tight dress. "Shut the hell up, emo boy." She said. "Moving on," 

"No." 

"If we're not going with the lace gloves idea for Bee then you have to at least consider it for Neil." Allison pressed on. She held the mirror open and without a hitch in her step or a moment of hesitation, she kept walking as she examined her makeup in the tiny mirror. 

"What the hell are you talking about?" Andrew asked. He resisted the urge to groan loudly and dramatically. He wanted to though, he was just being mature and not doing that. 

"You’re proposing soon, aren't you?" Allison asked, not bothering to look at Andrew. Or anyone, forcing some people in the hall to move out of the way unless they wanted to be mowed down by one Allison Reynolds. "So when you get married, he should consider having some lace gloves." 

Andrew paused, blinking slowly as Allison kept walking. She didn't even pause or look in the mirror to see if he was still following. Asshole. "How the hell do you know that?" He demanded. 

"It’s written all over your stupid, love sick face." 

"Renee." Andrew hissed. 

"Yeah, her too." Allison cackled. 

Andrew seethed. Of course his sister would betray him like that. She was just asking Andrew to share her most embarrassing secrets that she would definitely not want her crush to know. "I'm going to kill her." 

"Oh please," Allison scoffed. "It’s hardly a secret." 

"Shut up, Regina George." Andrew snapped. He was mentally creating a list of all of his sister’s embarrassing moments to spill in order of severity. He knew everything- from the time Renee accidently made out with a gay guy at a bar because she thought he was a butch and he thought she was a twink to the time she slipped on the steps and landed face first on the concrete to how when she was still in a gang she kept calling a women there 'mommy' to even more. Andrew knew all of her embarrassing secrets and if she wanted to start this war then he'd be happy to finish it. 

"Oh I like that one," Allison smirked. "Anyways, back to my point- Neil should consider lace gloves for his look." 

"Allison I don't need your-" 

"The texture difference, gaywad, it's wonderful." 

Andrew, unwillingly, thought about it: Neil, dressed in all white and his curly auburn decorated with a white veil, knelt in front of him and looking up at him with those bright blue eyes as his lace covered hand stroking Andrew’s cock. He swore he could feel the roughness of it, how sloppy Neil would do it, completely unsure of what he was doing but giving it his all. He'd be able to feel the warmth of Neil's hand beneath the lace, he'd both love and hate the friction the lace caused and he'd love even more Neil's focus, his determination, his- 

"Ha!" Allison ruined fucking everything. Andrew would kill her. "Gaywad." 

"I will cut you." Andrew warned. He needed to be alone immediately, while the fantasy was still fresh in his mind. A fantasy that very well could become real soon. Andrew couldn't wait until the ring was ready. 

Allison cackled like a witch brewing a potion in her cauldron and Andrew was about to push her or at the very least mess up his make up when someone called out his name. 

"Andrew!" 

Andrew and Allison both turned around at the same time in a disgustingly display of cooperation- he wouldn't do that again- and saw Roland speed walking up to them. Ugh. Andrew didn't want to see him. He had been avoiding him for a fucking reason. Several actually. He should've taken the fucking hint. 

"Isn’t that the guy you used to hook up with?" Allison asked. She looked Roland up and down without shame, her lips twisted into a frown. "You must have been real desperate." 

"Don’t remind me." Andrew muttered. He didn't have a good excuse for why he hooked up with Roland- he was horny and lonely and he thought that Neil was very dead. That was the beginning and end of it. 

Roland came to a stop in front of them, looking excited and nervous as he stared at Andrew. Andrew didn't like the look in his eyes. "Andrew," he said. "I've been trying to call you." 

"Have you?" Andrew asked, bored. He neatly didn't mention that he had blocked not only Roland's number but also the number of every other guy he had made out or hooked up with. He didn't have a problem. 

"Yeah!" Roland claimed. 

"You should've taken the hint." Allison said, looking down at her nail. 

Roland gave her a distasteful glance, his barely okay face twisting with it. He looked ugly. Andrew must have been really desperate if he hooked up with this guy. He looked back at Andrew with a hopeful expression. "I thought you might have been busy." He explained. "I heard you're making your mother's wedding dress right? No wonder you don't have time to call me back." 

Andrew blinked slowly. If Roland had heard about Andrew making his mothers wedding dress than he sure as fuck heard about Andrew and Neil. It wasn't like he kept it a secret- quite the opposite. He flaunted his relationship with Neil everywhere, they constantly held hands, they were together all the time. Andrew was pretty sure they had been caught making out in the bathrooms a few times. Andrew ignored everyone for Neil, even his own brother and sister. 

"You’re two screws loose of a whole pop tart aren't you?" Allison asked. 

Andrew had no idea what that meant but he just nodded along. "An abandoned ostrich still clinging to life." He added. 

"Ostrich?" Allison asked, as if her insult made more sense. 

"He looks like one," Andrew informed her. 

Allison looked Roland up and down slowly and with a level of scrutiny that would cause any mortal to die on the spot. She smirked an evil smirk and laughed. "You’re right," she agreed. "An ugly ostrich." 

"Flaring around like it lost it’s head." 

"Burying it's head in the sand when the vultures come out." 

"Wearing last seasons knock off Prada." 

"Pathetic." 

Andrew nodded solemnly. This was pathetic, so very pathetic. And Andrew could be working on his mom’s dress, he could be hiding in his dorm room thinking about Neil on their wedding day, he could be doing literally anything else than this. 

"Wait-" Roland tried to say. 

"Oh dear, looks like that head is just for display." Allison snarked. 

"Too bad it's not even that pretty." Andrew shrugged and tried to turn around to go back on his mission to get this dress done. He didn't get far. 

"Andrew just wait!" Roland reached out and grabbed Andrew, his fingers digging into Andrew’s skin, sparking memories that would haunt him for the rest of his life. 

The walls around him melted, twisted into beige walls that had burned to the ground. There were hands all over him, touching him in ways that he couldn't stand. They were touching him. They were touching him. All over, holding him down against the bed so someone who was supposed to care for him took and took and took. Andrew couldn't breathe, back inside that house of horrors. He swung wildly, trying to get the hands off. He would never let anyone do that to him again. Never. 

A loud thud snapped him back to the present, but it did nothing to get rid of the feeling of those fucking hands all over his body. He still felt them, grabbing and taking. Roland was on the ground, shocked. His cheek red. Allison was staring at Andrew in a way he couldn't understand. 

All the fabrics, the fabrics and ribbons for his mom, were on the ground getting dirtier and dirtier with every second. But Andrew couldn't pick them up. He couldn't touch the fabrics meant for his mom to wear. He couldn't make them dirtier. 

Allison's heels clacked against cheap flooring until she stood between Andrew and Roland. She carefully knelt down, carefully picking up all the fabrics and the ribbons and the lace sample she wanted. She stood up and looked at Andrew. "I’ll clean these." She said. 

Andrew’s body shook, the hands were all over him still. He could still feel that man's hands grabbing him, holding onto him as he struggled to stay in reality. It was hard with the hands dragging him back down into the nightmare. 

"You’re leaving now." Allison dismissed. "Tell me where then go." 

Andrew’s mouth was dry. He could hear a ringing in his ears. His mouth was clamping shut. It felt like prying a block of steel open to ask one fucking question. "Why?" 

Allison raised a perfectly eyebrow, hand on her hip. "So I can tell Renee, dipshit." She huffed. She waved her hand in dismissal. "Now tell me and hurry off, I'll take care of this." 

Andrew gave a curt nod. He felt like he was sinking into the floor, into a deep abyss where a monster dwelled. Andrew lifted his shaking hands and signed, Mom. He had to see his mom. He needed her to ground him, pull away from that dark place. He didn't want to lay in bed for weeks on end fighting off memories. He wanted the feeling of those hands off of him. 

Allison nodded and waved him off again. "Go on, I'll let Renee know." 

Andrew backed up, unwillingly to leave his back open to anyone. Anyone could touch him, could grab him, could pull him down with just a slight touch. The minute Allison was out of sight, when he was alone and there was no one around to jump out at him- he ran. He ran even though his lungs protested the movement, he ran all the way to the medical center where his mom was working. 

He burst into the building, the walls tilting and twisting, flickering back and forth from the baby blue to the beige of those walls with each blink. The soft carpet kept switching to wood and back with every step. Reality and memory were merging too fast, people's faces melted off and those damn hands were still there. Still grabbing him. 

"Andrew?" Bee's calm, gentle and grounding voice called out. 

Andrew swore he had just been in the lobby, watching as everything shifted and as those hands grew heavier and heavier. But he was in his mom’s office now, something heavy on his back that made the room stay still. 

"Can you hear me honey? It's me, mom." 

Andrew looked up from the carpet to see his mom in front of him, hands to herself as she smiled softly at him. 

"There you are," she whispered gently. "It’s okay now, you're safe here." She promised and Bee always kept her promises. She never once broke them, she was the only adult who kept her promises. "Can you take a deep breath for me?" 

Andrew nodded. The ringing in his ears stopped, his head hurt but he ignored it. He gripped the edges of the weighed blanket and took a deep, slow breath. In and out. In and out, slow and steady. 

Bee nodded. She followed Andrew's lead, in and out, deep breaths. "That’s it," she praised. "Just like that, honey. You're okay, you're safe. Think it over and over again, okay? You're okay, you're safe." 

Andrew let out a long breath. He was safe, he was okay. 

Deep breath in. 

He was safe, he was okay. 

Exhale. 

He was safe, he was okay. 

He was safe, he was okay. 

He was safe. 

He was okay.

-

King was soft and warm, her weight on Andrew’s chest was everything he needed to stay sane. She purred like a truck, her tail swishing back and forth. She was looking down at Renee, who stood on the floor while Andrew was up on his bunk bed. The moment Andrew had gotten back, Renee by his side, King hadn't let her be within two feet of Andrew. It had been difficult to do that in the small confines of the room but they worked it out. And now with the weighed blanket and King on top of him, Andrew finally felt grounded and safe. 

"Do you need anything?" Renee asked gently. 

Andrew glanced down at her, she was gripping her hands together tightly, her smile strained. She had to suspect things now. She knew something horrible happened to Andrew but he never once told her what. He told her about how he starved as a child, how he was abandoned and beaten over and over again but he never once told her what happened in that house. And he never wanted to. 

Andrew lifted a hand to sign no. He couldn't open his mouth, couldn't force words out. He was too drained for that, still too close to the edge than he'd prefer. 

Renee just nodded in understanding but Andrew saw the tension in her shoulders. He knew he wouldn't be able to keep what happened to him locked up for much longer. "Okay Andrew," she said. "Do you want me to stay here?" 

Andrew didn't have time to sign anything else before the door burst opened. King stood on end, ready and willing to attack until she realized it was Neil, panting, bent forward and gripping onto the door frame like his life depended on it. King stood down, readjusting herself on Andrew's chest with her tail swishing faster, stiffer. 

Neil took a deep breath, his hair plastered to his forehead and his anger flickering to the surface. "Drew!" He called out, his chest heaving up and down. He stumbled forward, his eyes focused on Andrew. "What happened? Who was stupid enough to touch you?" 

"Neil," Renee tried to say. She was smart enough to not try and touch Neil. He was holding back a lot, Andrew could see it in the tension in his body. He wanted to burst, to hunt whoever touched Andrew and kill them. He wanted to burn the school to the ground with everyone in it. Touching him would only set him off. 

Neil turned to look at Renee, looking exactly as he did that stormy night when Andrew escaped that house and Mary tried to send him back. Only this time there was nothing to soften the stare, the way his eyes promised violence if Renee took one wrong step. "Why are you still here?" He asked slowly, his chest still rising and falling too hard. He was trying to hold back, Andrew knew. But he also knew he would have to stop Neil soon. Before he maimed his sister. 

"Neil," Renee said again, harder this time. Her smile was hard, her eyes cold. She resembled her older self more than ever. "I think it's best if-" 

Neil scoffed. "What do you know?" He asked. "You’re not needed here." 

Andrew sat up slowly, King in his arms so she didn't get caught up in this mess. He knocked his knuckles against the wall to gain the attention. 

Neil snapped his attention onto him, his eyes softening and his shoulders losing some of their tension. Renee still looked mad but she thankfully didn't try to push and instead looked up at Andrew too. 

Neil and I fine Andrew signed. 

Renee frowned and opened her mouth to argue but Neil beat her to it. 

"See? Drew said we're fine." He said. "Why don't you go deal with your roommate. She's got a lose tongue." 

Renee's fingers twitched and Andrew was sure she wanted to hit Neil, at least once. But instead she took a deep breath and smiled at Andrew. "Text me if you need anything, Andrew." She said. "I'll let Bee know you got back safely." 

Andrew gave a curt nod and waited until she left to deal with Neil. 

Neil huffed, on guard until Renee left the door. When the door closed behind her, he gave Andrew all of his attention. "Drew, what do you need?" He asked, turning back into the cutesy, somewhat innocent, and concerned Neil he liked to pretend to be. "You don't have to speak, I learned sign language a month ago. Bee told me that you sometimes go mute. I never want to be in a position where we can’t communicate." 

Andrew stared at Neil, his back pressed against the wall. Neil, the boy he loved more than anything in the world, who was more than ready to destroy everything if Andrew asked. It was easy to forget how disturbed Neil truly was- how easy it was for Neil to throw everything Bee had instilled in him away if it meant protect Andrew. This was the same boy who was willing to burn his mother if she dared to hurt Andrew. 

Tell me how you burned that house Andrew signed, slow and with shaking hands. He wanted to hear it- how Neil fulfilled his promise to a seven year old Andrew. He wanted to hear with his own ears how Neil destroyed that horrible, horrible house to the ground. 

Neil lifted his hand to his mouth, digging his fingers into his lips- it did little to hide the cruel smile that spread across his face. "You knew?" He asked. He backed up and sat on Kevin's bed and Andrew was thankful. As much as he wanted Neil near him, he couldn't handle another body in the bed. He couldn't handle the way the bed would dip with someone else's weight- reality was fragile enough, he couldn't tip the scales. 

Idiot. Andrew sighed. 

Neil covered his mouth with his hand. A second passed before he lowered it again, his smile less deranged than the previous one. "Okay yeah, me and fire? Not that hard to figure out." He agreed. "I just kept my promise, Drew. I told you I'd make that man suffer." 

Andrew nodded. He remembered that promise, he remembered being seven years old, afraid and in pain hiding away in his secret hiding spot. He remembered Neil promising to burn the man's house down, to give him a violent death as he comforted Andrew. Tell me, he signed. 

"Okay Drew," Neil said softly. "It was the first day my uncle let me out of his sight. I was still in California and I couldn't find you so I thought that if I couldn't find you I would at least keep my promise to you. I would never break my promise with you, Drew." 

Andrew closed his eyes and let Neil's voice wash over him. He listened intently to Neil's deranged little tale; how he broke into the house and poured gallons and gallons of gasoline everywhere. 

"I started in the small room at the end of the hall." Neil said, his voice too sweet and calm for what he was describing. It soothed Andrew anyways. "I doused it so much gasoline that the smell clung to me for days. I wanted to make sure it burned so you'd never have to worry about it again." 

King purred happily in Andrew's lap, her tail curled around Andrew’s forearm. He pet her gently, allowing himself to image exactly how Neil destroyed that house. No matter how much it might disturb his mother, this whole thing was beyond therapeutic and dare he say healing.

Chapter Text

Say sorry. Andrew signed, short and very much not sweet. 

Neil looked at Andrew like he just threw away a fresh bowl of strawberries, but those eyes weren't getting him out of trouble this time. "But Drew-" 

Andrew raised an eyebrow, arms crossed over his chest. Neil crumbled almost immediately and begrudgingly looked over to Renee, who was watching this whole spectacle with a gentle but smug smile. She was going to make Andrews life hell for a bit and he knew it. 

"I'm sorry for how I acted." Neil spat out, sounding like he was a five year old being made to apologize to the kid he hit on the playground. And Andrew knew exactly what that sounded like. He was there. He watched and did nothing as a five year old Neil flung a rock at a kid and was forced to apologize for it. His pout was adorable, then and now. But it wasn't getting him out of trouble. 

And? Andrew signed quickly. 

Neil glared at Andrew but it didn't have any effect. Andrew was immune to Neil's glares, had been for his whole life. He just waited Neil out until Neil let out a sigh and turned back to Renee again. "And I'm sorry for all the violent, bloody thoughts I had...and the murder plots." 

Renee's shoulders shook with laughter and Andrew just knew it was directed at him. She patted Neil on the shoulder and smiled at him. "It’s okay," she said, her laughter clear in her voice. Yeah, she was never letting Andrew live this down. But, she wasn't any better than him. Her type was also questionable. "I forgive you, Neil." 

Neil didn't look relieved or happy, just blatantly upset that he even had to apologize in the first place. But he had to make nice with Andrew’s sister- Aaron was fair game if Neil wanted to make fun of him, but Renee? Fuck no. She would never let Andrew live anything down and he was running low on blackmail material on her. Plus, he just didn't want Neil to be planning his sister’s murder. He didn't like the feeling that settled in his gut when he thought about it. 

"We both care about Andrew," Renee continued. "It’s only natural we want what's best for him." 

Neil wisely kept his mouth shut and nodded. He wasn't looking at Renee, instead staring somewhere on the floor. Andrew was sure Neil had his thoughts on what Renee said but, again, he wisely kept his mouth shut. 

"But next time, let's work together, alright?" 

Neil puffed his cheeks out, shoulder hunched slightly. He definitely did not want to do that but he still nodded his head anyways. At least he wasn't a complete idiot. 

Renee patted Neil's shoulders twice before she looked over at Andrew. Oh, she was going to laugh at him for a very long time. She walked over to Andrew, her face was mocking him. "You have a very protective boyfriend." 

Fuck you. Andrew signed quick and clear. He wasn't listening to her shit. 

Renee bit her lip, the laughter written in every molecule of her body. Andrew was never living this down. "Sure, sure," she said, the laughter and condensation dripping from her words. "We'll talk later?" 

Die. Was Andrew’s mature response. 

Renee nodded, her eyes shimmering with pure amusement. She was definitely going to talk about this with Allison or- fucks forbid- Andrew’s mom. "I'll see you later, Andrew." She said with a smile that bordered on cruel. She was taking too much joy from Neil's apology. "Later gay boy." 

Andrew glared at her as she walked away, his ears burning as she became unable to control her laughter. Her laugh echoed in the halls of the empty dormitory, bouncing around until it reached Andrew’s ears. It was inescapable. It made Andrew’s ears burn, having to listen to his sister absolutely lose it. Andrew looked over to the source of his humiliation only to be met with big blue eyes staring at him. Fuck, he was too cute to be mad at. 

Neil was staring at him, fluttering his long eyelashes as if that would make him look innocent- it did but that was not the point. "Drew," he said quietly, a hint of need in his voice. 

Renee's laugh still echoed faintly in the hallway. Andrew sighed. He couldn't be mad at Neil or Renee for this. They both cared about him and if he was honest this was the first time he had ever seen Renee genuinely lose her cool like that. Sure, she used to get very angry and annoyed back when she was still learning to become a better person bur she never lost her shit with laughter before. It wasn't something Andrew could ever be mad at, even if it was at his own expense. And Neil- Andrew waited eight years to be back with this deranged menace. He knew who Neil was fourteen years ago and he knew the moment he got Neil back that the worst parts of him would have only gotten worse and none of it was his fault. 

No death threats at Renee. Andrew signed. That was the hard line he had to set. He knew if he didn't then it might happen again. But if Neil knew it was a complete no go then he wouldn't think of doing it, not if Andrew specifically told him like this. 

"Even in my head?" Neil asked with a frown. 

No threats. Andrew reinforced. 

Neil sighed but nodded. "Okay Drew, I’m sorry." 

Andrew resisted the urge to sigh. That apology was far more genuine than the one he gave Renee but whatever. He didn't have the energy to do more than this. At the very least he got this drilled into Neil's tiny brain. Lets go, he signed. 

Neil nodded and quickly took his place by Andrew’s side, his hands clasped in front of him even though Andrew knew he would rather be holding Andrew’s hand. But Andrew couldn't handle that just yet. The idea of anyone- even Neil- holding touching him in any way made him want to scrub his skin red and he would never associate Neil's touch to that. "What are we doing today?" Neil asked. "We can go to that park I mentioned last week." 

Andrew thought about it, what they should do on the rare day off he had from working on his mom’s dress. Since he couldn't handle touch and his mind was swirling with thoughts that if he touched his mom’s dress it would become dirty he decided to take a break. Allison promised to wash, iron and cut the fabric so that it would all be ready for Andrew when he was ready. If need be she would sew some parts of the corset. The main issue was the embroidery anyways, which only Andrew could do. But since Andrew couldn't stand to touch his mom’s dress at the moment he and Neil had a weekend day to fully enjoy to themselves. 

Food. Andrew signed. Before they did anything they needed something to eat. 

Neil nodded. "Okay, want some pancakes? That place we went with Aaron was pretty good." 

Okay.

-

"So, my uncle wants you to come over." Neil said without any lead up as their plates of chocolate chip pancakes and waffles topped off with strawberries were laid in front of them. Neil had been talking about his running route- namely how Jeremy kept trying to join him but Neil always left him in the dust as an answer. There was nothing to even indicate that this topic would come up.

Why? Andrew asked before he put his hands to better use tearing his pancakes to bits. 

Neil shrugged. He carefully scooped off the whipped cream from his waffles and put them onto one of the tiny plates they got earlier. "I don't know," he admitted. He handed the plate of whipped cream to Andrew. "I keep telling him to fuck off but it's starting to sound more like a demand than a suggestion." 

Andrew wasn't exactly keen on meeting Neil's uncle- he had questions and he did suppose he had to let the man know that he was going to marry his nephew and move in with him. But that was it. Later. He decided. The man could wait- just like how he waited to help Neil until long after that bitch of a woman ruined his childhood. 

Neil flashed him a grin and it was far too bright for Andrew to handle. "Okay Drew," he said happily. "I'll tell him." 

Andrew rolled his eyes and shoved some pancake into his mouth. He was going to propose to an idiot, a chaos inducing idiot. 

"Anyways, did I tell you how I almost fought a racoon that got into our shitty apartment?" Neil continued on with his wild story telling. 

The worst thing was that Andrew knew when he was bullshitting and this wasn't one of those times. Andrew made a mental reminder to get Neil updated on his vaccines, he couldn't trust his uncle to do that. He knew Neil wouldn't have told him any of this, nor did he trust Neil's uncle to care enough. No. 

Neil took that as the signal it was to continue on with the continuing series of tales of his fucked up life. "Okay, so my mom left me locked up in our crappy apartment." 

Which one? Andrew asked. Mary had forced Neil into many a crappy apartment and it was definitely important to the story to know which country they were in. He was sure racoons from America were worse than say racoons from Europe. Were there even racoons in Europe? 

"Oh, it was our apartment in Marseille." Neil explained. "Anyways, so mom left me locked up in the apartment with some work books and some bread for lunch and dinner." 

Andrew made another mental note to find Mary's grave and set it on fire. 

"So I was just minding my own business-" 

Andrew scoffed at that. Neil gave him a nasty look but he couldn't say anything in his defense. Neil had never once 'minded his own business'. He just wasn't capable of that. 

Neil continued on. "And when I looked up from my math workbook I saw this funky little guy staring at me. I think he got in through the hole in the wall." Neil paused to take a giant bite from his waffles while Andrew wondered how someone could be so smart and yet a fucking dumbass. Andrew had been watching Neil solve advance math problems since they were children and yet it seemed like Neil was one wrong move from becoming a racoon himself. 

"It was nice at first," Neil said with a warm smile. "It had been just me and mom for so long and I missed you so much- it was just nice to have a something else that was alive next to me." 

Andrew tapped his fork against his plate. He knew what Neil had been through had been lonely- that he probably had no true human contact outside of his paranoid schizophrenic mother for years. But hearing it said out loud was different, it was far too real. Andrew should've killed Mary back when they were children. He should've pushed her down the stairs or into oncoming traffic. He should've done something. You name racoon A-N-D-R-E-W? He signed. 

Neil gave a sheepish grin and nodded. His eyes shined in the sunlight, sparkling and startlingly blue. All for Andrew to stare at forever. "Yeah, although I technically named him Drewcoon." 

Andrew was in love with an idiot. An idiot who needed to get vaccinated for rabies, then cuddled and be reminded that he wasn't alone anymore, that he would never be alone like that again. Idiot. 

"Yeah, I'm your idiot." Neil sighed happily. He pushed around pieces of his waffles on his plate, his smile slowly becoming twisted by his memories. "Everything was cool for a while, me and Drewcoon went over fractions and logs. But then he found my dinner and it turned into some kind of terf war." 

Andrew had a mental picture in his head- of Neil on all fours to latch the racoon, circling the pitiful piece of bread like it was caviar. Both of them skinny and hungry and hesitant to attack first. It was both sigh worthy and deeply troubling. 

"I managed to get the bread but Drewcoon escaped through the wall." Neil sighed. He stabbed his waffles, twirling the fork in his hand. Andrew heard the longing in his voice, as if he was talking about a good friend he missed dearly. "I missed the little guy. But it was good he left, mom was talking to herself when she got back. She might've skinned the little guy, muttering about spies from my father." 

Andrew wanted to reach out and grab Neil's hand, to hold him tight and tell him that he wasn't alone anymore. But he couldn't handle touching anyone and the idea of tainting Neil's touch with the memory of that man- it wasn't going to happen. But he had to do something. He couldn't let Neil be dragged down into his memories. He knew all too well how hard it was to claw ones way out. 

"We're here." Andrew forced out against the locking of his jaw, his voice hoarse from disuse. 

Neil looked at him, his bright blue eyes wide with surprise and that twisted smile wiped off his face. After a beat his face softened, elbows on the table and his chin resting in the palms of his hands. "Yeah," he agreed. "We're here, together. And you can't get rid of me." 

Andrew rolled his eyes, leaning back in the seat so he could properly stare at Neil. He loved taking in all of him- from how the sun lit up his auburn hair, made his eyes sparkle, counting each of the tiny scars that marred his fingers, the curve of his nose and the way his eye lashes fluttered. He would do everything to make the bad days better to handle for both of them, and he would make sure that Neil got the help he needed to live a more normal life. 

"Hey Drew can I think about kissing you?" Neil asked like the shit disturber he was. "Is that allowed." 

Yes. Andrew signed. 

Neil grinned, his waffles completely forgotten as he stared at Andrew with too much affection. "I'm thinking about it now," he said. "Imaginary you is telling me to shut up before smashing your heavenly lips against mine." 

Stop. Andrew signed. 

"Nah, this is more fun." 

Andrew sighed just to sound annoyed because it meant Neil would smile at him. He crossed his arms over his chest and listened to Neil hum happily to himself, occasionally whispering about how 'imaginary Andrew' was kissing him. Andrew was going to marry a fucking idiot.

Chapter Text

"And then that bitch Sarah decided that she wanted to prove just how smart she was and nearly set the chemistry lab on fire!" Aaron was ranting furiously about his idiot classmates in his chemistry class. He had an on going rivalry that Andrew was half convinced was one sided, and each rant it got worse and worse. Aaron was basically on the verge of murder and Andrew would let it happen. It would be enjoyable to watch. 

Andrew hummed, content to listen and eat his muffin. Words were easier to come by now, he could speak in sentences with people he was comfortable with without problem but he would rather stay quiet and listen. Enjoy these moments with his brother where they felt like normal brothers. 

"I’m still in disbelief that the professor still let's her do whatever she wants." Aaron scoffed. He was making an ugly expression with their face and if Andrew cared about random strangers finding him attractive he'd tell Aaron to knock it off. But he didn’t. Because Neil always found him handsome and somehow found Aaron ugly as all shit. It made Andrew’s ego go through the roof but it was fine. "She should be banned from the lab." 

"Neil’s been banned from places." Andrew said quietly. It was a condition to speak it seemed- in public he couldn't talk any louder, like his mind was trying to protect him from strangers twisting his words or disbelieving him. At the very least it seemed that his subconscious declared that Aaron was safe, that he would believe anything Andrew told him. He was sure that it wouldn't have been that way years ago- in fact he knew. Because he had spoken during those years of silence, to Bee and to Renee. But not to Aaron. So this meant more than he was sure Aaron realized. 

"Why am I not surprised?" Aaron grimaced. "He seems like the type." 

Andrew couldn't deny that. He was sure if Neil had a normal childhood he would've been kicked out of and banned from the high school chemistry lab; but he still had his handful of experiences being kicked out of places either way. Mainly for his loud mouth. "He’s never had a filter." He explained. 

"Is that why he insults me everything he sees me?" 

Andrew nodded solemnly. He didn't need to add that Neil was definitely feeling protective over Andrew and since he couldn't do anything else as per Andrew’s boundaries, he was going to insult Aaron. 

"Asshole." Aaron mumbled. He grabbed his burger- one Kevin would have a heart attack at viewing- and took a big bite. Andrew went back to his muffin, the silence between them calm and easier than it's ever been. He liked it. 

"So," Aaron said. There was ketchup on his cheek and Andrew didn't point it out. He felt like bullying his brother, just a little bit. "Are you okay?" 

Andrew tilted his head to the side, blinking slowly at Aaron. It was a normally cruel question- was he okay? No. Not really. There would always be parts of him that were damaged. He'd always have nightmares about that man, there'd always be days when touch from anyone made him want to burn his skin off, he'd never be able to erase what happened to him. Just one single hand grabbing at him made him spiral for days, completely upended his life for days on end all because of one man's selfish and disgusting actions. But Aaron was trying. He just wanted to know if the hands Andrew felt ghosting over his skin were gone, if his voice truly had come back, if he was sleeping at night without nightmares. "I don't know." Andrew said truthfully. "But I will be." 

Aaron stared at him, his matching hazel eyes searching and searching their matching face. "Are you up for telling me why you react that way?" He asked. "I mean, it's not the first time this has happened. I don’t...I want to help." 

Andrew knew Aaron was referring to that time in high school where his girlfriend mistook Andrew for Aaron and grabbed Andrew’s arm. Andrew broke her nose in his reaction, unaware of where he was and reacting purely on instinct. Aaron's reaction then had only hurt and served only to further the rift between them. 

"Not here." Andrew said quietly. As much as he wanted to be able to tell Aaron why, what happened, why he was the way he was he couldn't do so in public. Not with people around to hear, to judge, and to tell him it didn't happen. 

Aaron took this easily, nodding and going to take another bite of his burger. Andrew was expecting at least a frown, maybe a question about when he would tell him. But Aaron didn't do that and for a moment it flipped Andrew’s world around. "Can I ask who the guy was?" Aaron asked instead. 

Andrew blinked slowly, trying to gain his footing again. He was used to the push and shove between them. It took him by surprised that he didn't push about this, about something Aaron had been pushing for for years. "Ex hookup." He said slowly. It was the best way to describe he who should not be named. Andrew was sure that if he even thought the name Neil would pop up like a demon and either commit a murder or try to distract Andrew with his pretty blue eyes. And as much as Andrew would enjoy both, he was enjoying this moment with his brother. 

"Really?" Aaron asked. He had more ketchup on his face. Andrew still didn't tell him. "You hooked up with someone?" 

Andrew felt his face twitch. It wasn't judgment in Aaron's tone, but he still felt the urge to reach over and slap him. Renee did tell him that it was normal to feel that. Apparently she felt the urge to slap Andrew all the time. 

"I thought with how devoted to Neil you are you wouldn't have hooked up with anyone." Aaron explained. 

"Well, I thought he was dead." Andrew reminded his brother. He believed that Neil was gone forever- that Mary had gone past the point of no return, that the delusions had pushed her too far and Neil had to pay the price for that. He knew his whole life that his heart was Neil's and Neil’s alone but he still had needs. Besides, if he was honest with himself- and he was- every time he was with someone he was thinking of Neil. So really, he still devoted everything to Neil. Like a gay loser, as his sister oh so lovingly put it. 

"But he's not." 

"No, he's not." Andrew agreed. It had been the greatest surprise of his life- taking over the surprise of there being some smart ass kid in his hiding spot all those years ago. He hated surprises, but Neil always managed to make his good. For the most part. Sometimes he did do things that made Andrew question both of their sanities. 

"Do you think that Neil did...stuff," Aaron pulled a face at that. Again, it was making their face ugly. "With other people then?" 

Andrew shrugged. He had thought about it briefly but it hadn't ever been a conversation of high priority. They had plenty to discuss- the eight years away from each other did that. Neil had a mountain of trauma he had yet to admit much less deal with and Andrew had his own shit to figure out as well. They had time to deal with it. Although, they should probably have the discussion before they got married, for clarity sake. "I don't care." 

Aaron narrowed his eyes a bit, suspicion quick on his face before it was gone. "Alright, whatever you say Andrew." He mumbled. "By the way, what's the deal with your roommate? Kevin's been bitching at me to talk to you about 'meddling in his life'." 

"Don’t worry about it." Andrew waved it off. Aaron didn't need to be involved in his and Neil’s plots. What Neil and Andrew decided to do to get their so-called roommate out of the dorm was irrelevant to Aaron. He should just worry about his chemistry class. 

"That doesn't make me feel better." 

"It wasn't meant to." 

Andrew and Aaron finished up their lunch, deciding to walk to the science building together. Andrew didn't have a class there, but his English class got canceled for the day so he would take the few extra minutes hanging out with his brother. Because he could do that now. Aaron was ranting about random facts he learned in his classes and Andrew listened and nodded along, more than content to let Aaron led the conversation. Until he saw two familiar faces across the hall. Two faces he knew would absolutely love invitations to a lesbian wedding. 

"Wait here." Andrew told Aaron. 

"What?" Aaron asked, he had been mid sentence about something about atoms and definitely hadn't excepted Andrew to order him to stay like a dog. 

"Stay." Andrew repeated. He didn't wait for Aaron's answer before marching off to hand the lesbians an invitation to his mom’s lesbian wedding. 

Cat and Lalia were chatting to each other- Andrew didn't want to know, he once made the mistake of listening in on one of their arguments and learned way too much about them- and didn't notice him until he was right in front of them. 

Cat gasped. "Oh my god, babe, look who it is!" 

Laila draped herself over Cat's shoulder, wearing a mock surprise expression. "Do my eyes deceive me or is it really our little lover boy, finally pulled away from his rabid cat boyfriend!?" 

"Don’t call me little." Andrew ordered. Only a few people could call him that and one- his sister- did it strictly to annoy him. He may be short but little was not a correct descriptor. 

Cat grinned as Laila rolled her eyes. "What’s up dude?" Cat asked, wrapping an arm around Laila's waist. "We haven't seen you at the parties lately- you've been missing some fun shit." 

Laila nodded. "Yeah like last time Matt had a sing off with Jeremy- by the way we've decided to accept the white boy into the group, he's a funky guy- and they managed to break Allison's coffee table." 

Well, that explained why Allison had a brand new coffee table the last time Andrew had been there. It was expensive and looked sturdy. He now knew why she got it. He almost felt annoyed that he missed the sight of Matt and Jeremy drunkenly singing so passionately that they broke the Allison's coffee table. But he wasn't. Because he had been cuddling Neil and he'd rather do that than deal with annoying drunk people. In fact, he'd rather do that than most things. 

"Neat." Andrew deadpanned. "Anyways." 

"I think you mean 'anygays'," Laila interrupted. 

Andrew glared at them. "Do you want an invitation to a lesbian wedding or not?" He demanded. 

Cat and Laila blinked at him in surprise. They looked at each other and Andrew could tell they were having a silent conversation, probably wondering if Andrew was fucking with them or not. 

While they did that, Andrew fished out their invitations out of his bag. He never knew when he was going to see these idiots and he was in charge of handing them out so he kept them on his person in a neat folder to keep them from getting damaged. He was in charge of handing them out so Renee or Aaron couldn't invite idiots who didn't deserve to watch Andrew’s mom get married. Bee deserved this and more, she had put up with so much and gone through so much just to be able to be with someone who loved her just the way she was- no ultimatums given out. So no random idiot was coming to this wedding, only the people who would celebrate the day and the happy couple. Except Renee got to hand Allison's her, because Renee was a useless lesbian. Loser. Andrew held out each invitation to Laila and Cat, who stared at him with hung open jaws. They looked stupid. Andrew couldn't believe his mom wanted these idiots at her special day. "Are you going to take them or no?" 

Cat snapped out of her shock first and snatched her invitation. She ripped it open and read through the handwritten card. "Oh my god you're not fucking with us." She said, nudging Laila with her elbow. "Baby, check it out- this is a legit lesbian wedding for Andrew’s mom." 

Laila quickly snatched her invitation and Andrew ignored how settled he felt that neither of them ever came close to touching his skin. She ripped hers open and no one had any appreciation for preserving shit anymore. His mom spent a lot of time picking out the color for that envelope. "Holy shit, it's true!" She looked up at Andrew with fake tears in her eyes. "You do care about us!" She cried. 

Andrew pulled a face, trying to wave them off. He didn’t even like most of Renee's friends, much less care about them. They needed to calm down. 

"We'll definitely be there!" Cat jumped in. "Can we show up on my motorcycle? I've been teaching Jean lately and-" 

"If you stop talking now yes." Andrew interrupted. He really didn’t care. As long as they followed the dress code and stayed relatively sober then he couldn’t care less how they arrived. 

"Sweet!" 

"This is the nicest thing you've done, Andrew," Laila kept up her fake crying and Andrew was done with these people. 

He had an idiot brother to go say goodbye to then an idiot named Neil to cuddle. And a cat, the only one who was sensible and mature. He turned on his heel and started to walk away, before he paused and turned back to them. "Oh, and do tell ValJean to bring both Kevin and his boy toy as his date to the wedding." 

"You mean Jeremy?" 

Andrew waved a dismissive hand at Cat and her smug expression. Why did he put up with these idiots? "Yes him." 

"You know we'll find out why you're avoiding him, right?" Laila asked. 

Andrew ignored her. "Just work your magic to get Jean to go with both of them." 

"You mean our amazing, awesome lesbian magic?" Cat asked. 

Andrew hated these people. "Yes." 

"Will do!" 

"Later Andrew!" 

Andrew walked away before he lost even more brain cells to his sister’s idiot friends. He walked back to Aaron, who was staring at him in slight confusion. He just ignored Aaron's questioning look and grabbed his sleeve, forcing Aaron to move with him. 

"What was that about?" Aaron asked. 

"Shut up." Andrew told him. 

Aaron sighed. "Yeah okay, whatever Andrew." 

Andrew and Aaron made their way towards Aaron's classroom, passing by a myriad of students all in varying stages of grief. Finals were coming up and everyone around Andrew had to study for multiple classes. Losers. 

Just as Andrew and Aaron reached Aaron's classroom, Andrew’s phone went off. He was close to throwing it out the window. Why were people bothering him so much? Andrew let out a tiny curse and pulled out his phone, ready to hang up on anyone who wasn't Neil but he paused at the number flashing on screen. He knew that number, had been waiting for that number to call for weeks. 

"Who is it?" Aaron asked as the both of them stepped to the side. He tried to look at Andrew’s screen but Andrew instinctively shielded it away. 

"Shut up." Andrew warned Aaron. He hit the green button and brought the phone to his ear. "What." 

Aaron let out a loud sigh. 

"Hello, is this Andrew Dobson?" A female voice asked on the other end. She sounded professional enough so Andrew decided not to be a complete asshole. 

"Yes." 

"Well this is Lisa from Kayla's Jewelry and I’m calling to let you know that your custom order is ready for pick up. Is there a time that works best for you to come pick it up?" 

Andrew’s breath hitched. It was happening. It was finally happening. The ring was ready and barring any changes that needed to be made he would have it in his hands that day. He would have the ring he spent most of his life designing and picturing. And he would finally be able to propose to Neil. Fuck. Fucking hell. His hands shook with either excitement or anxiety, he wasn't sure. He knew Neil wouldn't say no but it was still nerve-wracking. What if it didn't live up to his numerous fantasies? Fuck. 

Andrew took a deep breath in, held it, then out. He was good. This was good. He had it under control. He had planned this for a decade and more, he had this handled. "I can be there in forty minutes." He said. 

"Excellent," Lisa said. "We'll see you soon, have a good day." 

Andrew hung up, his hands still shook. But he was okay. This wasn’t going to be ruined by the universe, because Neil would accept a fucking ring pop if it was from Andrew. Andrew had this. "I have to go." He told Aaron. 

"Go where?" Aaron asked. People kept filtering into the lecture hall behind him, but his focus was on Andrew. 

"Neil's ring is ready." Andrew explained. He dug around his backpack looking for his car keys. He would have to text Neil to stay in the dorm and let him know he was running an errand. As long as he bought Neil some fruit he wouldn't ask too many questions. He didn’t like keeping secrets from Neil but this wouldn't be a secret for long. "Got to grab it." 

Aaron stood in front of Andrew, blocking his path. He held his hand out and was giving Andrew a smile. "I'll come with." He said. "And I'll drive, you look ready to jitter off to the moon." 

Andrew eyed Aaron. Then he looked at the lecture hall. Then back at Aaron. Aaron really needed to go to the study session, he had finals and didn’t have Andrew’s memory. Also, Andrew did not trust Aaron as a driver. 

Aaron rolled his eyes and snatched the keys from Andrew’s hands the moment Andrew had them. "Don’t worry about it." He assured. "I can study later. This- this isn't something we can do again." 

Andrew stared at his brother, at the slight hesitance in his body and the unsure way he shifted his weight. This was Aaron trying, trying to connect them and Andrew couldnt throw it to the wind. "Fine." Andrew said. "But Renee's coming too." 

Aaron rolled his eyes. "I figured that much, asshole." He grumbled. "Now come on, we'll pick her up. We can even use the car ride to go over your proposal plan." 

Andrew followed Aaron as he took off down the hall. He pulled out his phone to text Renee and then Neil, double checking that he was sending the right message to the right person. He didn't want Neil to find out, he wanted it to be a surprise. Well, as much of a surprise as it could get considering that they had been talking about getting married since they were eight. "My proposal is fine." 

"Dude, fireworks and a fox carrying the ring isn't realistic." Aaron scoffed in judgement. 

Andrew shoved him, the touch lingering on his hands. It wasn't bad, it wasn't the most pleasant feeling in the world but it wasn't bad. It didn't make him want to boil his skin so that was good. "That was from when I was nine." He reminded him. 

"Yeah and not much has changed." 

Andrew shoved his hands into his pocket before he shoved Aaron down the stairs. It wasn't his fault Aaron didn't know romance. Renee would take his side, he was sure. And then they would spend over an hour arguing about the best way to propose. He was, against all odds, looking forward to it.

-

Andrew got back to the dorms with a shiny new ring in his pocket, tucked neatly away in a dark blue box. It felt like it weighed a thousand pounds in his pocket. He would not be able to chill out until he proposed to his idiot. But, he had to wait until at least after he talked to his mom. He spent the last two hours with his brother and sister, all of them arguing about the best way to propose and he got some good ideas out of it but Andrew had to talk to his mom. He needed to tell her first, what his plan was and when he would do it. And he also had to tell his mom he was getting married. He may have not mentioned that to her yet. 

Neil was laying on Kevin's bed, back open to the world and his perfect ass in tight little shorts on display for Andrew to stare at. Andrew knew he was laying there to annoy Kevin but it made him a bit jealous. He should kiss Neil stupid, cover him in marks so everyone knew he was his. He had to put this ring on his finger. 

"Neil," Andrew called out. 

Neil looked over his shoulder, his big blue eyes warm and cute. He had King in his arms, sleeping peacefully. He smiled at Andrew and Andrew went and sat next to him on the bed. "Hey Drew," he said, kicking his legs upwards. 

Andrew wanted to kiss them. Maybe bite them. He was too horny for a man with issues like his. "Did you have fun with King?" He asked. 

Neil nodded. "Did you get me my-" 

Andrew handed him a container of strawberries already washed and cut up for him. Fuck knows he spoiled Neil, half out of necessity because he knew Neil wouldn't bother washing them. 

Neil lit up. He turned onto his back and snatched his beloved strawberries. King decided she was done with them and pranced off to one of the desks in the room to sunbathe. "Thanks Drew," Neil said with a loving look on his face. 

Andrew was going to marry this man. He leaned over and gave him a kiss before he could eat any of his strawberries. He couldn't wait to spend the rest of his life with Neil. 

Neil made a noise of appreciation before he pushed Andrew away playfully. "Did I ever tell you that my mom caught me eating a tomato and forced me to puke it up. She thought it was a strawberry and as you know, she thought I was allergic to strawberries." 

"No you didn't." Andrew said. He laid down next to Neil, a small space between them. He could still feel Neil's body heat. "You don't like tomatoes." 

Neil nodded, popping a strawberry into his mouth. It was a crime to look so good while eating a fucking strawberry. "Yeah but you'll like anything if you haven't eaten in days." 

Andrew knew all about that, that primal urge to eat literally anything. He had gone dumpster diving when he was a very young child, before his social worker did her damn job and checked on him only to realize that he was malnourished. He ate whatever he could get his hands on- moldy bread and fruits, cupcakes so old that they crumbled apart in his hands, vegetables so mushy it was basically soup. He never wanted that for Neil. "Yeah, I know." 

Neil nodded, savoring every bite of his strawberries. Andrew wondered if he ever got to eat them while with that bitch. Probably not. "Anyways," he continued. "She wasn't really happy about that and she wasn't happy that I wasn't happy. Looking back it was kind of funny- except for the slaps. Those weren't funny." 

"No they weren’t." Andrew’s hands twitched towards Neil. He wanted to hold his hand, to comfort him in a way that he should as Neil's future husband. But he wasn't sure he could. He could shove Aaron earlier but could he hold Neil's hand? He wasn't sure. 

Neil hummed, eyes closed and a soft smile on his face. "I think now I'll keep tomatoes around only so I can throw them at people." He mused. 

"You mean Aaron?" 

"Yeah." 

Andrew rolled his eyes. He would have to hide the tomatoes from Neil for a while. Although, he would happily hand them over whenever Aaron deserved a good tomatoing. Like when he kept scowling. Or woke them up at six am. "You’re ridiculous." 

Neil opened his eyes, they were gleaming with mischief and Andrew knew he wanted this man forever. "Yeah, but you still love me." He said. 

"Unfortunately." Andrew teased. 

"Oh fuck you, I’m a delight!" Neil protested, but there was a laugh in his voice. Andrew liked hearing it, he loved hearing his future husband happy. 

"You’re a menace to civilized society." Andrew told him. 

Neil huffed, offended but absolutely adorable. "Shut up." He said weakly. "Screw society anyways." 

And Andrew, ever the simp for his Neil, easily let it go. He would give Neil whatever he wanted without hesitation. He was hopeless against Neil. And all he had to do now was put a ring on Neil's finger and make it legally official. Fuck, he had to do it soon. Real soon.

Chapter Text

Andrew sat down on the couch in his mother’s office, all of her glass figures that Stephanie gave her lined perfectly on the shelf behind the desk. Bee sat next to him on the couch, both of them sipping on hot chocolate as they talked about random little things- Bee's co workers excited for the wedding, how Andrew’s studies are going, what stupid thing Neil did the other day, and such. He liked it. He missed just spending time with his mom without anyone else around. He was grateful of course, that his life had expanded to the point where he could barely juggle all of the relationships he never thought he'd be able to have but he missed those days where it was just him, his mom, and King sitting on the couch, embroidering something silly together. He had to make more time in his schedule to spend some quiet time with his mom. Once he finished making her dress of course, he wouldn't be getting any sleep until that was done. 

"Renee tells me that she's thinking about dying her hair again." Bee said with a pleasant smile. "She was torn between a solid pastel color or some kind of rainbow do. I think she'd look cute in a pastel purple but Stephanie thinks it would be funny if she gets the lesbian flag done." 

Andrew hummed. It would be funny if his lesbian sister got the lesbian flag on her hair, especially if it was in time for their lesbian moms’ wedding. But he wasn't sure if Renee would go for it. She might decide to be practical and just do pastel colors. "Pastel pink would look nice." He said. 

Bee nodded, swirling her hot chocolate in her mug with the fancy little spoon she had. She found the set when her and Stephanie went out shopping and it seemed Bee was a sucker for tiny decorative spoons. "I agree." She said. "I’m sure she'll take Allison with her. Those two are rather close." 

Andrew knew that tone, it was the tone his mom used when she knew things that she wasn't supposed to know. Or sometimes things that even the person involved didn't know. She used that tone pretty much anytime little Andrew made a comment about marrying Neil before she broke it to his little gay self that he was in love with Neil. Speaking of, the ring still sat in his pocket. He brought it with him everywhere, even though he had a plan in place and knew how he wanted to propose, he carried it around in case Neil verbally harassed someone so badly that Andrew just had to propose right there and then. His attraction to Neil’s smart mouth might be a problem.

Bee continued on. "I’m not too sure about Allison, but I do know that Renee feels rather strongly for her." Her face carried a proud smile and Andrew knew she was proud at how far the world had come from when she was young. The world still sucked and horrible things still happened but it was well enough that at least one less person felt like they had to hide their love to survive. "I do hope she talks to Allison about those feelings, I dare say it might turn out well for her." 

"I’m going to propose to Neil." Andrew said. He took a sip of his hot chocolate, the silence comfortable and calm. He looked up at his mom to find her smiling so brightly at him, the pride on her face moments before had nothing on the pride on her face now. 

She was overflowing with it, pride and excitement and pure joy- it was all over her face. Andrew felt it, the warmth from his mom, down to his curled toes. It was nearly overwhelming, it was almost too much to handle but Andrew handled it. He welcomed it. "I’m so happy for you, honey," Bee said and Andrew knew just how much she meant it. 

"You don't think it's too soon? That we're too young?" Andrew asked. They were the tiny insecurities he carried buried deep down that always managed to come to the surface around his mom. She wouldn't lie to him, she would tell him the truth no matter what. He didn't care about the rest of the world but he cared about what his mom had to say. She saved him and Neil, she didn't have to take them in but she did because she cared. She wanted what was best for them so if this was too soon, if they were too young then she'd tell them. 

Bee chuckled and shook her head. "Maybe for anyone else," she said. When she looked at Andrew all he could see was her support and love written all across her face. "But you and Neil? This has always been in the cards for the two of you. I’m honestly surprised that you waited this long to propose to him, seeing as how you’ve been planning this for eleven years." 

Andrew felt the tips of his ears heat at that. It was different coming from his mom- the person who had watched all of Andrew’s antics when he was little and blissfully unaware of his feelings for Neil. It had to be hard to watch at times- and that was embarrassing. He did embarrassing shit when in love. 

Bee pressed on anyways. "You two have been through it all," she said gently. "I know that no matter what life throws at you the two of you will be able to handle it together. Besides," she reached out and ran her hand through Andrew’s head after a quick nod of approval. She smiled warmly at him, like he was the thing she was most proud of. "The most important part is that this will make you happy, and you deserve to be happy, Andrew." 

Andrew felt like he was a small kid again, being told that for the first time ever that he was finally going to be someone's son, no strings attached. He felt like he should cry and hug her. So he put his mug down and turned to his mom, his biggest supporter. He waited for her to put down her own mug, that gentle smile never wavering. She let Andrew set the pace, let him take a deep breath and slowly open his arms. 

He leaned forward and hugged her tight, closing his eyes in the familiar, comforting and protective warmth he had always wanted as a small child. His mom’s hug was loose, like it always was because she always wanted him to have the knowledge that he could let go at any time, that he could leave if the ghosts came back. He held on tighter, his hands balling up the fabric of her sweater. He really got lucky with her. "I love you, mom." He whispered. 

Bee held on tighter for just a moment, something small and quick but spoke more than words ever could. Andrew knew she was smiling, maybe even tearing up. "I love you too, son."

-

Andrew’s hands were sweaty. He felt like he was going to vibrate out of his skin. His hair was definitely a mess even though he tried to tame it- he kept running his hands through it every time he got nervous which had been the whole time. Neil was waiting for him at the bottom of the stairs, happily talking to Bee about something morbid no doubt. He had been dropping more and more fucked up shit that happened to him when he and Andrew were alone, so it was very likely that Neil was saying it without truly realizing how fucked up everything that happened to him was. Hopefully Bee would be able to help. 

Andrew would appreciate it. If he was still alive. He might fling himself down the steps and finally off himself. 

Renee gripped his shoulders, pulling Andrew out of his anxiety ridden thoughts. Her face was stern and determined but still loving. "You've got this." She said. "You can do this, Andrew." 

Andrew took a deep breath, shoving his hand into his pocket to grip onto the small blue box inside. He was taking Neil on a glorified hike. In realty it was more a walking trail but it would lead them into a beautiful clearing that would give them a perfect view of the stars. He had scooped out many areas with his brother and sister since he got the ring and it took a lot to get the three of them to agree on one place. But it was perfect. It was similar to the trail they hiked as kids, when they went camping for the first time and they spent the whole night looking up at the stars. He wanted them to be under the stars when he proposed. He could do this. 

"She's right," Aaron jumped in. He had King in her cat carrier backpack because of course Andrew and Neil's daughter was going with them. Andrew had spent a lot of time with King lately, making sure she knew her cues. "You've got this, Andrew." 

Andrew nodded, taking deep, slow breaths like his mom taught him. He could do this. He had this planned since he was eight years old. He had everything he needed. He had everything he could ever want and now he was going to live his life without fear. Maybe a little fear but he was pushing past that. He wasn't that same scared kid who lost so much. He was grown, he had a family and he had Neil right back by his side. "I got this." He told his siblings. 

Renee smiled. She patted his shoulders and let go of him. "You’re prepared for this, Andrew," she confirmed. "Just don't trip on a rock and die. That would be embarrassing." 

Andrew gave her a glare but it was half-hearted at best. He couldn't really stay mad at his sister for long, not when she stayed up late with him crafting his little speech. Aaron helped too, they finally made a sibling group chat for it. "I’m not going to die." He told her. "I didn’t survive my teenage years to lose to a fucking rock." 

Aaron pulled a face at the reminder of their horrible teenage years. But he didn't dwell on it, shaking his head and carefully handing the meowing backpack. "I put some treats in there," he explained. "Second pocket. There's also some bear spray and there's a flare in case you get lost-" 

"Neil has never gotten lost in his life." Andrew interrupted. 

Aaron continued anyways. "There’s also extra batteries for your flashlights, matches, and-" 

Renee not so gently shut Aaron's mouth by forcing his jaw shut. He kept trying to talk but it just came out as a bunch of random noises no one could understand. "We'll wait for you to come back." She said. "Now off you go, your menace is waiting for you!" 

Aaron nodded, as much as he could with Renee forcibly holding his jaw shut. He gave Andrew a thumbs up when he realized it was fruitless behavior.

Andrew nodded, taking one more deep breath. He could do this. He was going to do this, and he wasn't going to pass out. Or trip on a rock. Andrew shared one more moment with his brother and sister before he carefully went down the stairs, holding onto King's backpack. She was just enjoying the ride, letting out cute little meows of approval at her subject carrying her around in style. 

Neil looked over, his pleasantly blank face lighting up, his blue eyes sparkling. "Drew!" He called out, ignoring whatever it was Bee was telling him. But Bee was used to it by now, based on the smile and fond shake of her head. She had spent years with the two of them being obsessed with each other after all. Neil came bouncing over, happily and carefully taking Kings backpack- all so he could take Andrews hand into his own. "Are you ready?" He asked. 

"Yeah, you?" Andrew squeezed Neil's hand, the ring box weighed down his pocket. He was sure Neil could see it but Neil just smiled and nodded. 

"I can’t believe you want to go for a nature walk." Neil teased, his smile holding a bit of a smirk in it. He was lucky he was so cute. 

"Shut up." Andrew warned him. 

Neil rolled his eyes and pressed a kiss to Andrew’s cheek. He was going off on the free range he had been given by Andrew. 

Andrew turned to his mom, ignoring his menace for one moment. He'd have hours to give him all of his attention. "We'll be back by ten." He promised. 

Bee nodded, a knowing look in her eye. Luckily she kept it to herself and just handed Andrew Neil's backpack. "Stay safe, you two." She said. 

"Of course, mom." 

"Bye Andrew! Neil!" Renee called out from the top of the steps, waving at them with an obnoxious smile on her face that bordered on a smirk. Aaron just gave Andrew another thumbs up. Ugh, straight people. 

Andrew’s phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it up as he and Neil left the house. It was a text from Nicky: a couple dozen heart emojis and a good luck! Ik he'll say yes!! Go get him!! message. Andrew sent him a quick thanks before he slipped his phone back into his ring box free pocket. He had this.

Neil made himself comfortable in the passenger seat, King happily in his lap and inspecting her carriage. Andrew let Neil talk and talk on the drive, the topic jumping from school to King to idiots to, briefly, world domination, to finally how they would survive the zombie apocalypse. Neil was sure that they would survive easily, as long as they had each other and a lot of guns. Andrew argued that they would need a lot more than that. 

"Eventually supplies will run out," Andrew argued. "Who would run the electricity? Get the gasoline for the getaway cars?" He threw out as they pulled up to the nature trail parking lot. There weren't any other people thankfully. He didn't want an audience for this. This was for him and Neil alone. And King. But she was their princess. 

"We survive like humanity used to!" Neil argued. "Live off the land! Use sticks and figure out metal working to create weapons. It'll be great!" 

Andrew should worry about Neil's excitement to go live off in the wild. But Neil was beautiful when he smiled, when he talked about something that made him happy so he wouldn't. He instead just parked the car and turned it off. "Well here's our trial run," he joked. 

Neil smiled at him, his lips begging to be kissed. So Andrew leaned forward and gave him a quick kiss. "You'll need it if you're going to survive the apocalypse." Neil teased.

"Menace." Andrew said. He got out of the car and took one more moment to just breathe. He could do this. They would reach the clearing by the time it got dark and the stars were out and then he'd have King distract Neil as he got down on one knee and propose. He had it perfected. He practiced, and he worked on his speech with his siblings. He had this. 

Neil got out of the car and came over to Andrew, King peacefully resting inside the backpack. He took Andrew’s hand and with the other hand passed the other, catless backpack. "I think we need another cat." He said with a playful smirk. "That way we can have two cat backpacks." 

"For once you're not a total idiot." Andrew agreed. It would be good for King to have some company once they moved into their own place. Even while they were still at the dorms too. He didn't want her to get lonely. "But we'll have to make sure King doesn't get territorial. Otherwise we'll end up with two separate cats who hate each other." 

Neil tugged on Andrews hand, excitement in every inch of his body. He couldn't stand still any longer and Andrew would never deny him something. "Can we get an older cat?" He asked. He swung their arms obnoxiously and all he needed now was a giant stick to cause mayhem with. They would look for one on the way. "They don't get adopted nearly as much as the kittens." 

"Of course we can." Andrew agreed. "King would probably like an older lady to keep her company anyways. Having a youngster around would only disturb her naps." 

Neil laughed, quick and only for Andrews ears. Andrew loved it and he hoped he kept laughing throughout their life. "Yeah you're right." He said, small sticks crunching and breaking underneath his feet. 

The forest area was full of beautiful and big pine trees that kept the forest alive even during the winter. They walked along the trail marked out by sign posts and a cleared path in the forest. Andrew was already tired, even though if he turned his head he was sure he could still see the car. He had to work out more. Neil was walking slower than he normally did, no doubt for Andrew. Andrew loved him. He couldn't wait to make this man his husband. 

"How do you think King would react to us getting a fox?" Neil asked as the two of them walked along the trail. 

The sun was beginning to set, casting the forest in orange and faint pinks and purples. It looked beautiful but Andrew wanted the starry night sky above them when they reached the clearing. If he survived that long that was. He could feel his shirt was soaked with sweat and even Neil's breathing had gotten harsh. So Andrew tugged Neil to the side of the path, sitting them down on an overturned log. He would have dirt on his pants when he proposed but it'd be fine. Neil didn't give a shit. Neil rested against him, using him as his human pillow and Andrew let him. 

"I think King would kill us." Andrew answered Neil. 

Neil hummed. He sat back up and slipped Kings backpack off. She was getting antsy after being in the pack for so long. Neil carefully helped her out, her blue grey harness snug and secure thanks to Aaron taking one for the team and getting her into it. Neil found the leash and clipped it in place before he set her down on the ground to stretch her cute little legs. "Yeah she probably would." He agreed, going back to leaning against Andrew. 

Andrew was more than happy to hold him up. He'd carry Neil up the rest of the way if he wanted. King sniffed around the ground, marching around like she owned the place before she plopped her fluffy self right in front of Neil and Andrew. Her tail went back and forth, back and forth and Andrew would have to give her a bath when they got back. Or he could pay Aaron to do it and incur King’s wrath for him. 

They sat there, quietly listening to the sounds of the forest as the sun continued to set. Andrew didn't dare think about moving them until Neil's breathing evened out, the idiot probably exhausted himself earlier on his morning run because he didn't know when to slow down. When they were ready, King went back into her backpack and Andrew took Neil's hand again. They walked together until they finally reached the clearing. 

There was an empty bench where Andrew set their backpacks down and was able to let King out again. Neil walked towards the center of the clearing, staring up at the darkening sky. Slowly but surely the stars were coming up, thousands of bright lights peppering the night sky. But they all paled in comparison to the content smile on Neil's face. He was far more beautiful than the thousands of stars in the night sky. 

Andrew turned his attention to King, steeling himself for what he was going to do. "Do not fail me, King." Andrew whispered to her. 

King meowed and Andrew took it as her promise to do her part. 

Andrew, with shaky hands, pulled out the ring box from his pocket and clipped it to King’s collar. He had Renee add a clip to the box that could be secured onto the collar. King was fluffy enough that the tiny box was kind of hidden in her fur. At the very least Neil wouldn't notice it right away in the dark and with King constantly moving around. 

Andrew gave her a couple quick pets, trying to hide the shake of his hands. He booped her cute nose and set her on the ground. "You know what to do," he whispered. "Go, annoy." 

King meowed and pranced off, her tiny paws getting covered in dirt that would have to be cleaned off. The leash dragging behind her as she weaved in and out of Neil's legs, rubbing up against him and purring loudly against the sound of night. 

"Aw, aren't you adorable?" Neil cooed, instantly distracted by King. He bent down, trying to pet her but King just dodged his attempts. 

Andrew took a deep breath, slowly and quietly getting into place next to Neil with the stars behind him. He counted to five, not willing to risk it any longer before Neil found the box. "I love you." He said, his voice loud in the quiet night. 

He could distantly hear the sounds of bugs making noises, the rustling of leaves in the slight wind, and other night time critters waking up. But his voice stood out from all of that. 

Neil smiled, and even with his eyes focused in trying to catch King, Andrew knew he had Neil's attention. "I love you too, Drew." He said. He tried to reach for King, who expertly dodged him. "I don't think King does right now." He laughed. 

"Neil," Andrews hands were sweaty and his knees were weak as he slowly got onto one of them. "I love you." 

Neil paused, maybe hearing the difference in Andrew’s tone. His fingers brushed against King’s neck as she escaped when she saw her cue and Andrew watched as his eyes widened. Neil nearly snapped his neck to look at Andrew, his beautiful blue eyes wide with shock. He felt the box. 

King came up to Andrew, meowing with pride and swished her tail widely in excitement for her treat. 

Andrew pulled out a few of her favorites and gave them to her as he unclipped the ring box from her collar. He looked up at Neil and nearly smiled at the dumbfounded expression on his cute face. 

"Wha-" Neil tried, looking rapidly between the box in Andrew’s hand to Andrew’s face, his jaw hung open and his face darkening by the second. 

Andrew swallowed the anxiety and spoke the words he had been working on for over a decade. "Neil, I love you more than the stars in the sky." He loved Neil more than anything in the world, more than the things he longed to escape to, more than the only consistency he ever had as a child- he loved Neil more than all of it. "I've loved you the moment I found you in my hiding spot fourteen years ago and my life has been far better with you in it." 

"Andrew," Neil choked on the words and he didn't know what to do with hands, constantly moving them around. Behind him, in front of him, tugging at his fingers. 

Andrew took one of his hands into his own, happy to let Neil hold on tight. "I can’t imagine my life without you again." With his free hand he flicked the box open, the moissanite gem shining under the moon and stars. The small blue gems matched Neil's eyes perfectly. Andrew hoped he would wear it for the rest of their lives. "Neil, will you marry me?" 

Neil stood there stunned, each second that passed made Andrew’s anxiety spike and he worried that he blew it all. Maybe he should have come up with something more romantic, used more flowery language. Maybe told Neil he loved him more. Or maybe he should have- 

Neil fell to his knees, tears in his bright blue eyes that Andrew immediately moved to wipe away. Neil grabbed his wrist when he did, eyes on Andrew’s face. "Is this real?" He asked, his voice soft and breakable. 

Andrew nodded. He leaned closer to him, pressing their foreheads together. "Of course it's real." He promised. "All of this is real: you, me, King, the stars above us- it’s all real." 

Neil took a shaky breath, his eyes fluttering close for a moment. Just a moment. He quickly opened his eyes again, pulling away just a bit to look down at the ring still in Andrew’s hand. A smile broke out across his face, tears fell down his cheek and Andrew kissed them away. It made Neil chuckle. "You-" Neil started. "You’re a hopeless romantic Drew." 

"And you're the love of my life." Andrew told him, whispered it between between. Neil was the center of his world, the one that had been growing larger and larger ever since they met. He wanted Neil by his side as it continued to expand, to be together to navigate each winding turn life brought them. He wanted Neil for the rest of his life. 

Neil laughed, pushing closer to Andrew as he drank in that beautiful smile. "Yes Drew!" He exclaimed. "Of course I'll marry you, you damn sap." 

Andrew’s heart beat wildly against his chest, he felt like he was walking through air. Neil said yes. Of course he knew he was going to say yes but, but, but- Neil said yes. Andrew and Neil would finally be getting married. Neil would wear the ring Andrew spent years thinking of everyday for the rest of their lives. Andrew would wake up to Neil for the rest of their lives. No one would ever be able to separate them again. 

Andrew pulled Neil in for a desperate kiss. Neil let go of his wrist to grab onto Andrew’s shirt, pulling him in even closer. Andrew sighed against Neil's lips, knowing that he would get to do this for the rest of his life. He only pulled away when he needed to breathe even though he would have been happy to die like that. 

Neil's eyes were bright and full of love and affection. He pulled away and let go of Andrew hand just so he could hold out his hand, shaking it impatiently. "Put it on." He urged. "I want it on." 

"Needy." Andrew teased. He was as desperate as Neil was to see it on his hand. He gave Neil one quick kiss before he set to work. His hands still shook, but this time with overwhelming excitement. This was happening. This was really, finally happening. Andrew got the ring free from the box and quickly took Neil's left hand. He took a deep breath, calmed himself down before he gently and slowly slid the ring onto Neil's finger. It was a perfect fit. 

Neil couldn't wipe the smile from his face as he slowly held his hand up, his eyes glued to the ring now adorning his finger. "Drew," he near squealed. "It’s beautiful. How'd you-" 

"Custom made." Andrew said. King filtered around them, meowing her orders that no one was listening to. When she realized she simply hopped onto Andrew’s shoulders, her favorite spot for a nap. Her tail swished around, smacking Andrew in the cheek but he didn't care. This was one of the best days of his life. 

Neil looked away from the ring to look at Andrew and Andrew wasn't sure how he could look even more in love than he did a second ago. "You big sap." He teased. "I can’t- well I can. I can totally believe this. Fuck, I love you Drew." 

Andrew gently took Neil's hand again, tangling their fingers up. Neil's ring looked like it had always belonged there, the silver a perfect contrast to his darker skin. It was all so perfect. "I love you, Neil." He said. "Does it fit well?" 

Neil nodded. He wiggled his fingers and grinned. "It’s perfect, Drew." He promised. "How'd you know my ring size? I don't even know that." 

"Don’t worry about it." 

Neil shook his head fondly. He simply moved around until he could lean his entire body against Andrew’s side, his head resting on Andrew’s shoulder. Neither of them cared about the fact that they were going to be covered in dirt as they sat on the cold hard ground of the forest, or that they would have to give King a bath- none of it mattered. They were engaged. They were going to be married one day, one day soon. Everything was right when just a year ago it was barely held together with duct tape. 

"I love you Drew," Neil whispered. The stars shined brightly in the night sky above them. "I can’t believe we're getting married." 

Andrew pulled Neil closer, King a warm and steady presence on his lap. "I can't wait to be married to you." He whispered. "I love you.”