Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Shokudaikiri could not stand the fact that there was nothing else he could do to help Kasen. He already tried everything that was in his power: he formulated every kind of meal he could. He tried to dim the oppressing lights of outside. He even accumulated a number of scents he felt could please Kasen’s delicate senses but… Nothing. Absolutely nothing eased the sickness Kasen faced this morning. The warm broth he meticulously put together only irritated his senses more. The unearthly amount of varied applications of ginger were practically useless, and even the sprig of rosemary that usually brought bliss only did the opposite, launching him into another painful fit of vomiting. Gods Shokudaikiri at least hoped something would have worked just a little bit. Unfortunately, such was not the case. At this point all he could do was hold Kasen to his breast and rock him side to side and brush his hair back when his nausea reached an overwhelming peak which was, at this point, at a third tally in the past handful of hours. He was miserable. Absolutely miserable. So miserable he could even feel the heat pulsing under his skin.

Shokudaikiri eyed whatever light was coming through the shoji. For sure breakfast was already far over, nearing the time for him to start his assigned duties for the day. It actually was probably past his time, making him uncharacteristically late which, in his position, was not a good thing. However, that wasn’t what truly concerned him.

“Kasen?” Shokudaikiri murmured quiet enough not to break the quiet their room began to harbor.

It wasn’t touched any further, particularly by a response from whom he hugged close. After the past few hours they had, he knew Kasen would do anything to refrain from opening his mouth, afraid of what could potentially spew out of it.

“You haven’t eaten anything today.”

Kasen groaned into Mitsutada’s chest. “Oh Gods. Don’t even say the word.”

“I know it’s hard. But, if you don't eat it could be dangerous-”

“I know, I know,” Kasen snapped back. “Gods I know but I just can’t .”

“Okay, okay,” Kiri hummed as he heard the distress rising in Kasen’s weakened throat. And with that he returned to caressing the back of his head, ending the conversation then and there. It was shortly thereafter Kasen realized his quick tempered snap and he felt the need to apologize.

“I’m sorry. This is just...unbearable…”

Shokudaikiri kissed the top of his head, so soft he almost didn’t feel it. “I know.”

“It just… It wasn’t this bad the last time…”

Shokudaikiri had nothing else to give but a sigh of sympathy because he knew full well this intensity of sickness was new. He was sick with the last baby, of course, and it wasn’t like he avoided morning sickness with this one. But the fact that it was still so bad at this point in his pregnancy was no less concerning and heartbreaking. It made him question why the creators of the human body, whoever that may be, made only one half suffer and bear everything when trying to develop a family. Shokudaikiri would do anything to alleviate Kasen’s burden, even if it would be taking on this sickness himself.

If only such things were possible.

Also, having to see Kasen of all Danshi in such a lowly state was just awful. Not that any other sword’s suffering would be any easier to watch, but Kasen was exceptionally proud and very conscious of the way he presents himself. Seeing him so tall and proud one day and then distressed and weak the next was a tragedy, especially when this process was so valuable to him. If anyone deserved one of those legendary, beautiful, and easy-riding pregnancies, it was Kasen. But it wasn’t like that. Not in the least. And there was nothing Shokudaikiri could do. They just remained in their warm futon as they had since Kasen first awoke two and a half hours ago: both left in their sleeping robes and Kasen just folded over to rest on his lover’s chest, willfully accepting what little yet meaningful help his love could give.

It wouldn’t be for another few minutes or so until Kasen finally sat up on his own. They didn't say much to each other in that span of time except for a few inquiries from Shokudaikiri regarding how he was doing and if there was anything he could do. Every time Kasen just shook his head, letting his flattening curls sway and his sunken eyes get heavier and more burdened with the sickness as the seconds passed. It wasn’t long until Kasen just slouched over, burying his head into his palm, telling Shokudaikiri he was now suffering a splitting headache. It was understandable for someone who vomited thrice in one day without any sort of sustenance to either re-hydrate him or give him any sort of energy to prevent said headache.

From his slump Kasen was able to ask for some water, and after further persuasion from his lover, he finally agreed to eat something. All Shokudaikiri had left in his bag or tricks were some plain crackers, and Kasen was glad enough to take them. Despite the terrible state he was in, he was deathly hungry. But he went slow, taking one at a time, eating them delicately enough as to not upset his stomach so. And Shokudaikiri just sat with him, rubbing a hand on his back. And as a thanks Kasen was able to give him a half-hearted smile.

“I feel so bad,” Shokudaikiri murmured in their solitude.

“For me?” Kasen asked, voice still weak from the day’s events. “Look, I could go on ‘blaming you’ for all of this, but I want this just as much as you do. It’s not so much your fault as it is both of ours.”

“Having a baby really shouldn’t be so hard.”

That at least got a laugh out of Kasen. “I couldn’t agree more.”

Both of their attentions were soon taken by a shadow outside their shoji which came accompanied by a familiar knock. Shokudaikiri knew someone finally recognized his lateness and he hoped Kasen would think nothing of it. If he knew Shokudaikiri was slacking on tasks because of him, he would never let himself live that down. So without making too much fuss over the situation, he asked Kasen to excuse him for a moment as he got up to answer the shoji.

Before he even looked outside the door, he knew it to be Tsurumaru. Although the crane surely became something close to family with Kasen now, Shokudaikiri still wished to grant Kasen whatever dignity he had remaining through some privacy. So instead of inviting Tsurumaru in or even just opening the shoji, he slunk out of their quarters and slid the door closed behind him, preventing Tsurumaru from getting even the slightest glance of Kasen.

Just as anticipated, there Tsurumaru was with his hands on his hips waiting for someone to answer.

“So this is where you and Kasen have been hiding,” he said with his playful tongue, overlooking Shokudaikiri from top to bottom. It was no doubt he believed his uncharacteristic tardiness as a sign of a very… pleasurable morning.

“Look, Tsuru,” Shokudaikiri said as he crossed his arms, sighing with a hint of regret. “I’m sorry I’m… running late this morning.”

“That’s very unlike you,” he said with more concern as opposed to disappointment. “Same for Kasen too. You were expected to be at fieldwork fifteen minutes ago and no one has heard of you today. Since I had nothing better to do they asked me to hunt you down and get word on what’s going on.” Tsuru looked right at him, waiting for an explanation. “So?”

It wouldn’t have been hard for Shokudaikiri to tell Tsurumaru the truth. The only issue with this particular problem was that Kasen had yet to give him permission to share about their impending situation just yet. On Shokudaikiri’s side, he would want Tsurumaru to be the first he told. But the time for that had not come, so he had to keep the explanation as vague as possible.

“Kasen woke up feeling very sick,” he said. “And he’s… Gotten sick quite a few times this morning alone.”

Tsurumaru’s eyes widened. “You mean-”

“He can't keep anything down.”

With that, Tsurumaru’s jovial nature hardened into that of a concerned friend, speaking in serious lines instead of playful sniggers. “And this just happened all of a sudden?”

“Well,” Shokudaikiri said with a tilt of his head and a glance in the other direction. “He’s been nauseous every so often but today… It’s the worst it’s been.”

Tsurumaru’s right hand moved from his hip to the back of his head as he gave his own sigh of dismay at the news that one of his fellow Danshi was so sick.

“Man, I’m so sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do?”

Such a sweet temptation, Shokudaikiri thought, one he felt very guilty to take. He knew Tsurumaru wouldn’t say no, and he knew he truly would be happy to aid him in this uncontrollable circumstance. Shokudaikiri did consider just saying “No thank you” and leaving it at that, but the thought of leaving Kasen alone while suffering so seemed even more unbearable than asking his close pal for one-day’s favor.

“Actually, do you think you could cover my fieldwork today?”

“Well, sure,” he answered with little hesitation. “If it’s seriously that bad-”

Then as if on cue there was a gruff voice of agony followed by the sound of barely digested contents and once refreshing fluids making a new home in a bucket. It was one he had become way too familiar with in the past few hours. Apparently the crackers and water didn’t want to sustain him either.

“I see,” Tsuru said with his eyes on the paper doors. “The poor guy.”

“He’s absolutely miserable,” he confided, unconsciously gazing to his feet with a sullen look in his eye. “And for as long as he’s like this, I really don't want to leave him alone.”

“Don’t worry about a thing,” Tsurumaru added with placing a warm hand on Shokudaikiri’s shoulder. “I’ll take care of your fieldwork today as long as you promise to take care of your poet.”

With that, Mitsutada was able to look up and give his friend a look of unending gratitude for what he has done for him today.

“Thank you, Tsuru.”

“Don't even mention it,” he replied with a shrug, returning to his usual, charmingly playful self. Then as he turned away to walk down the veranda from where he surely came from, he threw his arms behind his head and strolled away whistling something Mitsutada didn't recognize. For a moment he stopped and just turned his head enough to look back at him. “But when I’m done, Kasen better be right back up on his heels ready to correct everyone in this citadel on what ‘elegance’ really means. You hear me... Mister Dad ?”

The deliberate edge on the last two words of Tsuru’s phrase surely was meant to surprise him. But instead, it just made him laugh.

Maybe he should have been more vague. It’s just as he told Kasen a few weeks ago: if they wait to long, people are going to start figuring it out on their own. And he knew nothing could go past Tsurumaru Kuninaga.

At least he was able to have a slight smile when returning the the inner sanctions of the room he shared with Kasen, but Kasen’s state was quick to erase that away.

Kasen was right where he left him, except now leaning over himself in a more intense arch, holding his forehead in his hand, bearing deep breaths, turning his head away from the bucket that sat beside him. That was the fourth time this morning.

This seemed to be more than just morning sickness. This was more like morning disease.

“So much for trying to eat,” Shokudaikiri commented as he walked to Kasen’s side.

Kasen didn’t respond. With no more to say, Shokudaikiri retrieved the bucket so he could properly dispose of its contents in case Kasen were to need it again. After he left, took care of it and came back, he went back down beside Kasen on their futon, returning to their precious silence.

“I so hope my brother doesn’t have to go through this…” Kasen lamented, breaking the fragile silence.

That struck that little selfish twinge now incubating in Shokudaikiri’s heart, the one that envied those who bore children much smoother than his lover did. It was so out of the blue and oddly selfless considering the horrible day he faced. It actually touched a nerve that Kasen wasn’t taking the time to be a little selfish about his pains.

“With all do respect,” Shokudaikiri said. “I just wish you didn’t have to go through this.”

“But…at least I can bear through it,” he breathed. “It’s vexatious, yes. But… Izuminokami… It would only make things worse for him.”

Then Shokudaikiri started getting playful. “Kasen? Are you exhibiting sentimentality for your ‘obnoxiously ignorant’ younger brother?”

“Shokudaikiri Mitsutada... Are you insinuating that I don’t care about my brother?”

“I didn’t say it,” Shokudaikiri murmured beneath his smirk, which gifted him with a roll of the eyes from Kasen. In his state it was the only fight-back he had energy enough to give.

Then Kasen started leaning back from his hunch, releasing a well deserved sigh. His right arm became a support behind him as he tossed his curls back and off from his warming forehead, and his left cradled the softening mass beneath his robe.

“You see,” Kasen started, closing his eyes in a quiet meditation. “I can handle this.”

“This?” Mitsutada echoed, prompting Kasen to explain further.

Kasen slowly spread his dark eyelashes, revealing the teal orbs, slightly dulled from his agony.

“The sickness, Kiri. The vomiting, the aches, the pains… The tortures and anxieties of the whole thing.”

“And you don’t think he can?”

Shokudaikiri’s question was begging for a more honest response than Kasen anticipated. Usually when things  in regards to his brother came up in conversation, it was mostly Kasen complaining about something rash, something about Izuminokami making a young man’s mistake and Shokudaikiri insisting to Kasen that he is indeed young and is bound to make said mistakes (just as anyone in this citadel is prone to make, not that it ever lowered Kasen’s standards). But this time, Shokudaikiri wanted to know why Kasen believed his brother, a very strong spirit himself, might not be able to handle this sort of strain. For despite Kasen’s seemingly unreasonably high standards, he always had a reason for the things he said. It may be masked with a veil of jealousy or prudeness, but it wasn't without a solid foundation.

“It’s not that I don’t think he can do this at all. Certainly not to the point that this entire thing is going to fail. But…” Kasen stopped and closed his eyes again, giving another sigh. “When I spoke to him the other day, I could tell he’s already taking it hard. And I know if I wasn't comfortable with what was going on with me right at this moment, I’d be an emotional mess instead of talking to you as I am now.”

Shokudaikiri only returned with a hum, allowing Kasen to continue.

“So, when I say I don’t want Izuminokami dealing with this, it’s because it will only make it harder on him. And that truly would be a shame.”

“Not that it isn’t hard on you ?” Shokudaikiri said back.

With that, Kasen went quiet again. He lifted his head from its back position so he could look down to the place where his left hand laid. “I will go through anything for this,” Kasen asserted, “And it is that that makes this agony almost bearable.”

And as Shokudaikiri received a glance from his two ocean-washed eyes, he felt like he could see the image forming in Kasen’s mind. Surely he was seeing the images and dialogue of his and Izuminokami’s conversation the other day vividly in his mind’s eye. One thing Kasen was skilled at was seeing pictures within his psyche as an attribute gifted to him by his history with and natural tendency to pursue the arts.

If Shokudaikiri was in in Kasen’s mind, he would see that he was mirroring his own experience with his brother’s.

Kasen was looking to Shokudaikiri beside him, and he knew deep in his heart he could pull through this torture all because his lover provided him with such comfort and support. Kasen felt he could be open with Mitsutada and he felt alright with relying on him a bit more in the days to come.

Then he would think about the words and thoughts Izuminokami shared with him the other day and flesh them out into a comparison to the one that was before him. He didn't feel that way. If Kasen thought the way Kasen felt, he knew Mutsunokami could provide just as much support as Mitsutada. But If Kasen thought about it the way Izuminokami felt…

It was a feeling he didn’t like.

Then pilling on that imaged feeling with the real swirl of grossness in his gut right now, he felt like he could just sink into a murky pool of darkness himself.

Thankfully Kasen could pull himself out from that particular muck. Sure, he was still drowning in his own fears and sickness but…

At least he knew he wanted this and…

His thoughts broke.

All of a sudden a strong sense filled his nose, something so strong it rushed up his sinuses and caused a stir deep within his stomach. He recognized it, but for some strange reason it was incredibly bitter to his senses.

Was that... the rosemary?

“Oh Gods- ”

Kasen was quick to grab the emptied bucket again. To his dismay the lingering scent of what was previously emptied out was not helping the sudden smack of overwhelming nausea. Luckily (or maybe not), there was nothing left in his gut to empty, unless his body wanted to forfeit one of his lungs. But it wouldn’t stop the instinctual grab-a-proper receptacle from taking over him, just in case the tumbles in his belly truly introduced a fifth vomiting fit.

“Okay…” he rasped. “Maybe this is still a little unbearable.” As he noticed Shokudaikiri leaning in to offer a supportive hand to his back, he urged him away with a look of disgust still staining his porcelain face. “Did you decide to roll around in the herb garden this morning?”

“It was one sprig-”

“It smells like you rolled around in the herbs, Kiri.”

The death-glare he received gave him no other option but to change his clothes. These sensitivities were going to be a real bane to Kasen, weren’t they? No matter though. If all Shokudaikiri had to do was change his clothes, so be it. It was about time he undress from his sleeping robes anyway.

Out of sheer curiosity, he took his grey robe and truly wished to see if it smelt that strongly of herbs, because despite what his lover said, he did anything but “roll around” in the herbs.

The mere thought made him laugh, and of course Kasen asked what was so funny.

“Do you think Hasebe would let me get away with that?”

Then Kasen’s eyes went wide. “Oh damn. Hasebe.”

Shokudaikiri turned back in confusion as he threw his black tee-shirt over his shoulders.

“Hasebe?”

“You have fieldwork today, don’t you?” Kasen just sunk in guilt, just as Shokudaikiri hoped to avoid. “I am so, deeply sorry-”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Shokudaikiri assured, trying to lessen his guilt. “I asked Tsurumaru to cover me anyway, so it’s all taken care of. He hopes you feel better by the way.”

His pathetic disappointment in himself never abated. “He shouldn’t have to suffer from my weaknesses.”

“Wow, really take it easy on yourself. You do remember you’re pregnant, don’t you?”

Kasen didn’t respond. Instead he pressed Shokudaikiri more on the conversation he had previously, asking if Tsurumaru knew about why he was sick in the first place and things as such.

But as the conversation drifted more into the mundane, Shokudaikiri could not shake off his growing concerns.

Despite what Kasen said, he really anything but weak, especially when going through this. Shokudaikiri wholeheartedly believed that he could handle all of the toils this pregnancy was going to throw at him, just as he said. But what concerned him was what he said about Izuminokami before. Clearly his brother’s situation wasn’t making anything easier on his mind.

It was actually quite interesting to him. Out of all the thoughts that could be running through his head at this moment in time, Kasen was thinking about his brother.

Earlier Shokudaikiri didn’t mean to insinuate he didn’t care about his brother, it’s just that they never really were on the best terms, and Kiri always knew that was something Kasen regretted. So, yes this was a good chance for them to deepen their bond which was something Kasen always wanted, but Shokudaikiri wasn't convinced this was the best avenue.

Even if Kasen never told him about what they talked about on the veranda the other day (which he actually did in detail), it was clear Izuminokami was not ready for something like this. Anyone could see that. He just wasn’t the type to consider such a big change like this. Then taking into consideration Kasen’s regret for not being closer, as well as his own sentimentality with such a process, Kasen is without a doubt going to take on a lot more than just bringing a child into the world.

And this in essence was the only thing that bothered him about Izuminokami’s pregnancy being so close with his. It would be one thing if Kasen used his experience to help his brother, but it was another to be giving his time and energy to his brother alongside giving his time and energy to their baby.

All in all, Shokudaikiri just wanted Kasen to take care of himself, and he didn’t want Kasen to feel guilty if he couldn't take care of his brother too.

It was that selfish little part of Shokudaikiri wanting Kasen to just take care of himself and for him to feel like it is okay to ask for help and be weak, things like that. He just wanted him to allow himself to wallow, and maybe not be selfless and give up his self-care for a cause that might just be a fool’s errand. Shokudaikiri was all for them getting closer, but this opened more doors to hurt than he felt Kasen realized.

Then again he has been wrong before. Maybe this truly will be the catalyst to bring these two stubborn men together. Either way, it certainly was going to be an adventure. All Shokudaikiri could hope was that Kasen will allow himself to focus on his bumpy road when he truly needed it and not sprain his leg trying lift his brother over his obstacles.