Chapter Text
The only thing predictable thing about life is its unpredictable ability. Anyone can be anything; you can be everything.
Han tapped it foot to the beat of alien as it flooded through his headphones. The soft rattle of the van was enough to lull most of the other members to sleep – this included Felix, Seungmin, and Jeongin, who created a pile of bodies in the middle row. Han would have slept, even Hyunjin was drifting off beside him, but his mind was being a bit too loud to let the car ride or the music sooth him.
It was loud because of the comment. Which made no sense to him. The comment had been in passing. It was barely even a comment it was so unintentional. Han knew it was so miniscule there was no point in wasting any kind of brain power on it. It was just a few words from their dance instructor, not a big deal. At a certain point in their dance, Han and Changbin were center, and their instructor had casually told Changbin that his defining feature was his muscular figure and to try to show it off in this point of the choreography. And what was his tip to Han? His prominent feature was his chubby cheeks, so maybe he should smile to try to accentuate them.
It could have been taken as a compliment. It probably was supposed to be a compliment, but some tiny voice in Han's head really liked to replay the word "chubby" like a broken record. It was getting annoying. Enough so that Han had turned the volume so high up on his headphones his ears were aching with the sound.
He stared harder out the window, trying to glare away the word repeating in his head. Chubby. Chubby cheeks. Chubby. Chubby. Chubby. Fat. The switch in words almost startled Han. He blinked a few times, shocked his mind would so quickly go to that. He wasn't fat. He knew that. And just as soon as the word had popped up, it faded back to the annoying but tolerable Chubby replay.
Time for a new song, Han decided. Something that would really drown out his mind. He ended up playing Ponytail by Twice. That song made it almost impossible to frown while it was playing. And although the volume was so high, he was certain that Twice was actually singing in his head, he kept the song going.
It worked wonders until they made it back to the dorms. He clicked the volume down a few levels but made sure it was still loud enough that his thoughts had no chance of being heard. With that, they parked, and the members slowly started crawling out of the car.
"Are we here already?" Jeongin asked, rubbing his eyes as he lifted his head off of Felix's shoulder. "We just got in the car."
"Yeah, you fell asleep immediately." Hyunjin answered, unbuckling his seatbelt and using Jeongin's headrest to pull himself up. Reaching over he patted the maknae's head. "Can you move now? I have to use the restroom so bad."
Jeongin smiled and groggily pushed Seungmin out of the car door to make room for the seats to be leaned forward. Felix slid lazily out of his seat and then the back row was unloaded. Minho jumped over the seats and pulled the chairs down to let Hyunjin and Han out.
Changbin, having occupied the front seat, was already at the door unlocking the dorm. Hyunjin pranced awkwardly beside him, mumbling about hurrying up. Han waved goodnight to the rest of the members as they loaded back into the car to drive to their dorm. Minho returned the gesture but Felix, Jeongin, and Seungmin were already asleep again.
"You coming, Hannie?" Changbin called and Han wipped around, just barely hearing him above the music in his ears. He nodded and hurried into the dorm after the older 3Racha member.
The dorm was empty – Hyunjin had already ran to the bathroom, and Chan was still at the studio working on a song he'd had bubbling in his head all day. Han and Changbin wanted to help but after their intense dance practice, the last thing they wanted to do was stay at the studio. Han resolved that he'd help Chan with it later and dragged his feet to his room.
He slipped his sneakers off, dropped his phone on his dresser, and flopped back on his bed, arms spread out and eyes slipping shut as the next song on his playlist started playing. He thought he'd clicked his Twice playlist, but apparently, he'd been wrong and clicked a random girl group playlist. To My Youth by Bolbbagan4 started playing and his eyes shot open.
The familiar melody flooded him, and his heart skipped a beat. He hadn't heard this song in forever. And there was a reason for that. He jumped to his feet so quickly his head spun and stumbled across the room. His finger slammed down on the pause button and the silence that was left was louder than the music had been. He could hear his heart beating and the slightly surprised and panicked breaths.
"Not that song." He whispered, shaking his head to break the silence that threatened to suffocate him. "Not that song." He picked his phone up and skipped to Some by Bolbbagan4 – a lot happier of a song and a song that didn't remind him of something he'd rather forget.
Though it had been too late; The damage was done. Like smelling freshly baking bread and remembering the feeling of standing in his grandma's kitchen, the melody of To My Youth reminded him of slightly more offensive words than the ones uttered by his dance instructor.
"He's so fat." The voice whispered from his memory. He shook his head again, turning the volume up on his phone until his head was splitting open with the song. Still, the words lingered. Despite the fact that he had been six or seven when they were spoken about him behind his back, they never really left him. It had been his friend that said them. Sure, it was years ago, he didn't even really remember their name, but the words – he remembered those words.
Fat. His mind supplied for him again. Cutting off the stream of Chubby to throw a curveball at him. This time he saw it coming though. Yeah, he'd felt fat a few times, but he knew he wasn't fat now. He was a good weight. He knew that. He had no reason to believe something whispered by one person when he was a kid. He had no reason to be offended by someone probably trying to compliment his cheeks and smile. He wasn't fat. He knew he wasn't fat. But once more, the voice in his head whispered: fat.
Maybe he was coming down with something. Or maybe he'd made the ramen differently. Whatever it was, the noodles felt gross in his mouth. They felt slimy and after trying for a few bites, he'd settled on just eating a banana – which also ended up tasting weird. He ate half and offered Changbin the rest.
The living room was eerily quiet. At least, Han was pretty sure it was quiet. He had his headphones back on, paired to Hyunjin's phone and listening to whatever playlist Hyunjin had – which so happened to be a lot of loud rap. Perfect. Exactly what Han was hoping for.
He tried closing his eyes but was shocked awake when a hand tapped his arm. He glanced up and found Changbin leaning over him, pointing at his phone, his lips moving to saw something. The rap in Han's ears blocked any and all sound leaving Changbin. He yanked the headphones off and dropped them around his neck. "Sorry, what was that, Hyung?"
"Chan hyung texted." Changbin repeated, pointing at his phone. "He was wondering if we'd write some rap verses for a beat he has going."
"Oh sure." Han nodded, hands back on his headphones to bring them up and block out the words – or more specifically one word – that threatened to be screamed on repeat in his mind. Pulling the headphones back up quickly, he averted his eyes from Changbin.
But with another tap on his arm, Han reluctantly pulled the headphones down again to face Changbin. "Aren't you going to reply to him?"
"My phone's in my room." Han shrugged.
Changbin nodded. "Alright. I'll respond for both of us."
"Thanks, Hyung." Han quickly pulled the headphones back up and closed his eyes, letting the power of the rap soak through him. He really admired the writing skills this rapper had – the song Violet had gone viral several months ago, and while the passion for it had faded out of most people, but Han still found it inspiring - especially Killa's verse. It was the kind of rap he wanted to write. Though, recently, the things he'd been writing lacked the confidence that verse held and leaned more towards the kind of rap verse from his song Slump. In other words – burnout. He wasn't burned out though. He knew he wasn't.
The next song that came on was one of their own – Maze of Memories. Han cringed. Not that it was a bad song – he actually thought they did a good job on this one. Maybe too good of a job. For some reason, the lyrics were hitting a little too hard today.
Still, he tried to appear relaxed and made himself focus on the beat and not the words. But that was hard when another voice in his head somehow spoke louder than the music blasting from his headphones.
"He was talking about you." His friend whispered.
"What did he say?" Han asked.
"It's not true you know. What he said. It's not true." His friend blurted.
"Well, what did he say?"
"He said that you're fat."
In middle school, that hurt pretty badly. He wasn't six then, he was twelve – old enough to really truly care about what others thought of him. And twelve was only about eleven years ago. That's a lot closer than six is. He clenched his fists in his sweatshirt. Maybe it was true in middle school, but he's twenty-three now. He's an idol, not just any idol, he's Han Jisung, the ace of 4th gen. He was a rapper. A singer. A songwriter. A dancer. He had a long list of the things he was, and fat was not something on that list.
Chubby. Fat. Fat. His mind wasn't being very helpful. He wasn't fat. He knew he wasn't fat. But... Fat.