Chapter Text
In the past three days of being in California, Steve hung out with Ben.
His worry of ‘being too much’ faded quickly at the shere amount of fun from being immersed into his lifestyle. The beach, the surf, the boardwalk, all of it. When they walked down together, everyone said hello. It was like something out of a movie - like the old cartoon of beauty and the beast he used to watch as a kid, with the townsfolk.
He’d watch as they would open their booths and stores, how everyone migrated to the one deli shop in the morning, like a community on the water. He listened to them gossip, tell stories about the tourist or locals, laugh and drink coffee together.
In three days he was starting to get used to all of it.
And miraculously, Steve had actually managed to cruise a small wave.
“Plant your feet.” Ben had said, in the exact same tone Steve had once heard before. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up. He felt cold, a sea breeze blowing past at that exact moment. He turned to his new friend slowly.
“W-what?” He asked, so startled he nearly fell off the board there and then.
“You’re moving too much. You don’t shimmy around in surfing you stay planted.” Ben said with a smile, a tilt of the head. “You keep moving your feet like you’re trying to get better balance. That isn’t how it works. Lower body still, upper body moves.”
And with his advice, Steve had done it.
He was getting better by the day.
So, on the fourth day, when Ben told him to ditch his motel and just crash on his couch - Steve almost choked on his coffee.
He had come over early to go surfing with Ben and brought coffee from the shop he now knew Ben always got his morning coffee from. Ben was shirtless, applying sunscreen aggressively to his body like what he just said wasn’t a big deal to him at all.
He wasn’t built like Billy was. He didn’t have abs or muscles but he did seem toned. Tone but soft. His arms were big, and he imagined Ben was the type to give good hugs, to be a good cuddler.
Which, what the hell were those thoughts?
Okay, sure, Steve had thoughts like that before about guys. And maybe a little more grahpic than that. But for some reason most of them had been toward….well…Billy. When he was alive.
He hated Billy. He hated how he talked down to him, how he tried to measure up. Hated how he treated the kids and everyone around him.
Hated the feelings that burned for another man.
Hated how, despite how much he hated him, he still found him so damn attractive.
He kinda thought those feelings died with Billy.
“I couldn’t do that.” Steve says anxiously, offering a weak smile. “You’ve already done enough. Showing me around, giving me something to do, letting me use your board.”
Ben rolls his eyes. “C’mon. You’re not even here much longer, who cares? Why bother wasting your money on that rundown place when you spend half the time here anyway?”
Steve bit his lip. He wanted to stay here. He wanted it…like…a lot. Like a weird amount.
Being around Ben was finally silencing the constant thoughts he normally had when he was alone. He’d been actually sleeping well at night and felt like he had a reason to wake up in the morning. Ben was, stupidly, kind of his saving grace at this point. It felt like his vacation hadn’t actually started until he passed out at his feet.
So after their morning surf Ben went to do some work and Steve brought his stuff back to Bens place and poked around a little.
He was curious by nature, so what?
He studied the pictures on his fridge. Him with an older couple, arms around each other. Likely his foster parents.
A picture of him at graduating giving the middle finger and laughing with some buddies.
A random dog that was likely an old pet.
Then little random things like take out menus, coupons, invitations to stuff.
His fridge alone told the story of a little life. A life Ben had. A life with no trace of this guy even having a brother.
Steve couldn’t help but wonder if this is what Billy would’ve been like, if he stayed in California with his mom. Or maybe if he was the one left behind. If Billy had been given an actual chance.
That was another thing about hanging out with Ben. They talked about Billy frequently. Which, at first kind of made Steve uncomfortable. He’d started to feel like he was lying to the guy about who Billy really was, but he didn’t have the heart to tell him the truth. So he stuck to the simpler things. When Ben would ask questions about him, Steve would say how athletic he was. How he was great at basketball, how he drove a cool car, how girls loved him.
After awhile, Steve didn’t mind talking about him.
They didn’t talk about Billy much back home. They all felt weird guilt surrounding his death, like they had failed him by not telling him about the Upside Down. Like they were the reason he was dead.
Or maybe that was just how Steve felt.
He didn’t know, no one talked about it.
One day when they were out on the water joking around the conversation of life guards came up and Steve mentioned how that was Billy’s job before he passed.
And Ben seemed all mystified when he thought about this. “So he was always saving people, then.”
And, damnit, Steve should’ve told him the truth but it was like Ben was looking up to this guy - painting a picture in his head.
He couldn’t just come out and say more people needed to be saved from Billy Hargrove than by him.
Steve slumped on the couch and took a deep breath. He dreaded having to go home and tell Max about this. Hell, he hated having to go home at all.
What would she say? Knowing there’s a guy out there with her brothers face, with his DNA? Would she want to meet him? Would that be weird?
But…maybe he didn’t even have to tell her.
No. He shook his head. No, that wouldn’t be right. This wasn’t something to keep from her. God forbid she ever run into him herself, even if the chances of that were small.
He stared at his hands in his lap. He was tan now, so much tanner than he’d ever been. He was in the sun constantly. Even his hair was getting lighter, highlights sprouting out like honey.
He looked alive.
He felt alive.
And you know what? Right now he wouldn’t think about that. He’d silence the thoughts again. He’d relax. That’s what he was here for. To not worry for once in his life.
______________________
Later, when they walk the boardwalk together, Steve gets the perks of being with a pier worker.
They play almost all the games for free. Steve refuses to stop until he wins something and he does - a stupidly big stuffed Bugs Bunny. He doesn’t give it to Ben because he doesn’t want to make it weird, but he thinks when he leaves, he’ll leave it with him, too. Maybe with a note to take good care of it. Something to remember him by. He smiles a little at the thought.
They share a cotton candy, passing it back and fourth and plucking from it.
Was this what it was like? Being on a date as a girl?
But this wasn’t a date. It just felt like one.
It was the sort of thing Steve would’ve planned for one of his old girlfriends. Games, rides, sharing food. But now he was the one being doted on. If this is what girls felt like, Steve suddenly felt stupid jealous. This was nice. He wanted this all the time. He wanted to be given nice things, taken out and showed off.
That night when they got back to Bens, after they watched a movie, Steve went to the window and his heart was in his chest. The whole boardwalk below was lit up. Lights, sounds, smells. It was like a wonderland seeing it from above. “I can’t believe you live like this.” He said with a laugh as he opened the window - getting a whiff of the air laced with sugar and salty air.
He heard Ben come up behind him, closer than they maybe ever stood before, but Steve didn’t move.
He became overly aware of his breathing, trying to make it lighter, as though he were trying not to scare him away.
He wanted him closer.
“Yeah.” Ben says, and he’s so close Steve swears he might’ve just felt his nose near the back of his neck - he certainly felt his breath there, goosebumps breaking out on his skin. “I…like how you see the world.”
“Huh?” Steve asks dumbly, turning his head a little to look back at Ben, who comes up to stand beside him instead of behind. They gaze out the window together, looking a the activity below them.
“You get a kick out of everything.” He says, and Steve can hear the smile in his words. “I mean, I’ve always loved it here. I’ve got a pretty good life, I’ve always realized that. I built every piece, brick by brick, to get here. But I guess…sometimes you get used to it all.” He looks at Steve, and slowly he brings his hand up to brush his hair back. Steve feels like he might cry. Not because he’s sad, far from it, but he’s just so overwhelmed. He hasn’t been touched in a long time, not like this. “It’s like you’re bringing all this color back that I ignored.”
Steve wants to say something - anything! But his brain is short circuiting.
“Sorry is this…is this too much?” Ben asks, lingering his hand away. “If you’re not - I don’t mean to pry - the way you look at me sometimes, I just thought - “
And oh, no. He’s pulling away a bit now because Steve is just standing shell shocked. Steve’s making him doubt himself. He doesn’t want that. He does want this, wants him, he just doesn’t know what to do. It was never like this with girls. He was always the confident one, the one in charge, and now he felt all confused and out of sorts. But, okay, yeah he could do this! Just do what he did with girls, it’ll be fine!
So, Steve crashes his lips against Ben's without a second thought.
His hands are on his jaw, bringing him close, kissing him so deep Steve can taste the cotton candy from his tongue and he almost forgets to breathe. He feels Ben's hands go to his waist and he does something he never does when kissing- he opens his eyes. He wants to see him. He wants to see everything. But as he does, he’s met with Billy's icy blue eyes, the intense ones that would burn him and the whole world down, and he gasps, pulls away, starts coughing.
“Holy shit.” Ben says quietly as Steve wipes his mouth, coughing too hard, getting his breathing. “That was…hey, you alright? Did you swallow my tongue or something?” He jokes. Fuck his voice even sounds like Billy. He wasn’t Billy, though. Ben was kind. Ben preferred tea to coffee. Ben let kids try again at the arcade when they ran out of coins. Ben liked people, liked life, liked animals. He was sunshine and sea waves.
He wasn’t Billy.
“Sorry. Sorry I just got-” Scared? Startled?
What?
Had a quick flashback to your dead twin, don’t worry about it.
What the hell was he suppose to say?
Luckily, he doesn’t have to say anything because Ben just smiles. “I thought you weren’t interested a minute there. Thought maybe I read the signs all wrong. I do that sometimes? You wouldn’t have been the first straight guy who looks at me and I think maybe they like me. My buddy says he thinks I’m the only one without gaydar.”
Steve just awkwardly laughs because he doesn’t know what to say. Is Steve gay? He did just make out with this guy without a second thought. He also was positive he wanted him. So. Maybe he was? Robin was gay. Maybe Robin would know. Maybe he’d call her tomorrow. He was suppose to be checking in and he kind of forgot. He could make small talk and then just casually drop it in. Hey, Robin, am I gay?
Yeah, yeah she’d know. She knew everything.
“Not to be a total loser but can we do that again?” Ben asks, taking a step forward, and Steve smiles.
“Please.”
______________________
They’d moved to Ben's bedroom in a flash. Steve felt like he was drunk. He wasn’t, of course. He had maybe two beers. But he never felt like this before. Sex was always so routine to him, so standard. It didn’t feel like this. There wasn’t this electricity, this need.
Ben was over him, both their shirts off, and he was placing kisses down Steve’s chest. It was fast. It was a blink and I’m on-top of you situation. And, oh, so does that mean Steve would be the one getting fucked? He wasn’t sure how he felt about that. He was always open to trying new things - and then he kind of giggles because, well, in this case he meant literally open.
Ben pulls back, smiling, looking at him adoringly. “Something funny?” He asks.
“Just, I’ve never done this. It’s kind of, uh, it’s not funny. I just. I guess whenever I imagined this sort of thing I was the one doing the um, the giving…not the receiving.” He says as he smiles up at him all dopey, until he watches Ben's face change.
Ben sits back, and it’s like someone sucked the energy out of the room. “Hang on. You’ve never done this?”
And, shit, Steve fucked up. Was that the wrong thing to say? He sits up now quickly too, mouth open and shut as he tries to think of the way to get this going again. “I mean, no, I’ve had sex! I’ve had so much sex. Loads of sex. Like, a lot.”
“With a guy?”
“…..No.”
Ben runs his hands through his hair. “Jesus, okay. Let’s pump the breaks here then.”
“What!? No! It’s fine! Like I said, I’m not a virgin. I can do it. I can take a dick!” Steve says, startling himself, and Ben lets out a loud laugh. He cups Steve’s face and kisses him again.
“Listen. We should talk about this more. I’m not just going to rush into this and fuck you, despite how much I want to, believe me. This is…a whole new world for you and I want to usher you into it right. From the sounds of it, you might not be a bottom, which is fine, but that’s something we need to discuss and talk about.”
Steve pouts dramatically. “Seriously? Just like that? We started off so hot and heavy…I don’t really want to have some type of sex class right now where you make me aware of how utterly out of my depth I am here.” He laughs a little, weakly. “I want you to be my first, alright? It doesn’t have to be a big deal.”
Ben pulls Steve forward swiftly, his thighs over his, sitting on his lap. This whole night felt different. Usually Steve would lead or be in charge but Ben was the one holding him, Ben was the one leading and guiding and teaching. It made Steve feel like a puddle. “You aren’t leaving yet. We have plenty of time. If you want to bestow the honor to me of being the one who gets to fuck that tight little ass of yours, who am I to decline such a privilege?” He kisses Steve’s shoulder, and with the dirty talk mixed with the sweetness Steve lets out a low whine. “But we need to work you up to the real thing, baby. I’m going to do this right by you.”
And Steve feels his eyes water again, because without a shadow of a doubt, he knows Ben is nothing like Billy. Not at all. Not any part of him.
______________________
Ben really likes this guy.
And, shit, it’s so fucked because he’s leaving.
It had him wondering if he liked him so much just because he was leaving. Everyone he’d ever been with called him out on some type of issue with commitment so maybe this was his way of subconsciously setting himself up for failure.
But…fuck, look at him.
Steve was laid out amongst his pillows, so damn perfect and looking gift wrapped for him. The doe eyed brunette looked at him like no one else ever had, and, yeah he worried it had something to do with his dead twin but he hoped against all hope that when Steve looked at him he saw him, just him, no one else.
Because Ben only saw Steve.
“So. We stop here? I don’t wanna stop.” Steve admits with a nervous laugh, looking down at the small forest on his chest that sloped down to his belly. He was playing with his hands. He was nervous but sure of himself and it was the cutest goddamn thing. Somehow the guy was hot as sin yet cute as a button and Ben couldn't understand how someone could be both in a single second.
“We don’t have to stop if you don’t want to.” Ben told him as he rubbed his thumb gently against his thigh. “But we aren’t going to break you in one night either. What do you want, huh? Have you ever done anything with a guy?” Steve shakes his head no and Ben doesn’t know if this is a blessing or a curse. He loved that he’d be the one to show Steve what he was missing. Adored that he’d get to open him up, show him how good it can be, how he can make him feel. On the other hand, Steve was leaving. “That’s alright. Again, honored that I was just so hot you had to pick me as your first.”
Steve snorts at that. Ben grins.
“I guess…I don’t know…we keep making out? And, and touching? Is that okay?” Steve asks and Ben wants to fucking devour him whole, his shy little fucktoy.
“Sounds like my kind of night.” He teases, running his hand up and down a little higher. “How about you tell me if you need me to stop, or if you want something else, yeah? Just…you can trust me, Steve. Whatever you want.”
And there was that look again from Steve. It was like no one had ever been nice to him before. Like a shelter dog receiving a pet for the first time.
Ben couldn’t understand it. He looked like a crown prince and yet he gave off ‘unloved’ and ‘mistreated’ and who in the world could ever look at that face and not immediately fall for him?
Steve leans forward and begins kissing him again and Ben feels dizzy in content. Steve sucks his tongue and makes him moan. He wants to push him back and worship him like he deserves. Wants to make him cum as many times as he can. Wants to hear him pant and beg and whine.
He wants to shower him in kisses.
Wrap him up in silk.
Take him to the ocean, show him to the moon, tell the world look what he’s found.
There’s a flicker behind his eyes as he closes them. A flash. It’s been happening more frequently. He’s found himself losing time. He’ll be out on the waves with Steve and then they’re back on the shore, laughing, and Ben doesn’t even remember the chunk of how it all went.
He knows it’s not good.
He’s going to go to the doctor.
Just as soon as Steve leaves. He doesn’t want to waste a moment with this precious seashell that washed up on his beach.
Jesus H. Christ cool it with the metaphors.
Ben shakes his head, not sure where that thought came from. It was like it was in his voice, but it wasn’t his.
Like the dreams he’d started having since Steve came.
He was used to nightmares but these were different. A place inside a dream. Vines, wetness, breathing. Something out of The Creature from the Black Lagoon.
It was like he’d fall asleep and wake up in another world.
And he always saw someone just out of reach. A shadow. A memory? Something.
Steve is laughing under his breath about something again and Ben isn’t sure what he missed. He’d been missing so much lately. Blacked out on half the movie tonight and when he refocused Steve was sitting right beside him, sharing popcorn, talking about Tom Cruise and how cool he was and yeah, Ben was pretty sure this guy was not all the way straight because he’d also brought up Patrick Swayze the other day.
“Can I?” Steve asks, his hand by Ben’s boxers and Ben just smiles.
“So polite. You never have to ask me, baby. You can touch me anywhere you want.” And he thinks he sees Steve shiver.
“Never had a guy call me baby.”
“Gunna call you lots of things, sugar.”
He hears the sound of his laugh again and feels warm all over. “God, you’re a sap.”
Then Steves hand is on him, palming him through the fabric. Ben lets out a deep moan, eyes fluttering softly closed right before he got a good look of Steve biting his lip like he was unsure. “You’re a natural.”
“I’m barely touching you.” Steve says, but Ben can hear he’s pleased. Pleased and happy. That’s all he wants him to be. He can still see his face when he first met him, the shock and sorrow. He looked distraught. Then he fell, had to be carried up the stairs to his home, had to be nursed into his bed.
The bed they were on now.
“Could probably get myself off from just starin’ at you.” Ben mumbles, eyes opening again as he ruts against Steve’s hand.
“As if.”
“Mean it.” His hands go to Steve’s waist now, eyes meeting his. “Can I touch you? Can I taste you?”
Steve has a sharp intake of breath but he’s nodding quickly and Ben wastes no time pulling his underwear down and out of the way as Steve’s cock springs free and slaps against his stomach. Ben knew it was a lot. He could see it in his swim trunks. Hell, he could see it sometimes in his shorts or jeans. Steve was packing. It’d been torture having to constantly look away day after day when the damn thing looked so eager to be seen, to say hello.
He was longer than Ben by a lot but Ben was thick. Girthy. He wasn’t worried if Steve would like it, he’d make sure he did. He’d be gentle. He’d take care of him.
Ben smeared Steve’s precum over his tip and watched as his hips bucked instinctually. Oh he was good. Too good. Too precious.
Ben could thank god for his brother, for delivering this man to his doorstep.
And what a meet cute that would be, huh? If they became a couple and people asked how they met? What a story.
But Steve was leaving.
Fuck.
He was leaving.
Ben took him into his mouth fast, swallowing him down like he tried to swallow down the reminder that this was fleeting. Steve gasped and choked and sputtered as he gripped the bed sheets and Ben looked up to watch. “G-God! God, Ben!” Steve nearly yelled, as if he was mad but he wasn’t. He just didn’t expect it. Didn’t expect to be taken down his throat in near seconds. Probably because he was so big, but big never bothered Ben.
He grinned, looking up as Steve looked down and felt his cock twitch in his mouth. “Holy shit. You look-you-” But Steve couldn’t get it out. Ben kept working him, hand around his base to pump while he loaded him in and out of his mouth, making it extra wet for him - drool dribbling down his chin. He knew he had an impressive mouth, just like he knew this was probably going to be the best blowjob of this guys life.
His own eyelashes fluttered against his cheek as he closed his eyes. His cock was painfully hard at how turned on he was, at the noises Steve was making, at the way his legs were shaking. It was only another moment or so before Steve tried to speak, a weak “I’m-!” and then his release painting Ben’s throat sweetly. Ben felt like he was swallowing more than he ever had and looked up at Steve in wonder and amazement. His poor Indiana recluse. Clearly he needed that.
He popped off of him happily and grabbed at his own cock while Steve laid back, breathless and panting and watching. “God, you’re incredible…” he said weakly, watching as Ben worked at his own dick, tugging and looking over Steve like he was a piece of meat.
“Right back at you, baby.” He said, voice strained, deep and husky. He came looking at the spent man in his bed, his cum dripping down his fist as some hit his own chest.
Then he crumpled down on-top of him, breathing into his chest.
Steve wasted no time in wrapping him up in his arms, petting him, cooing. Oh god he was sweet. Steve was sweet. He wasn’t the type to hit and run or be awkward, no, he did aftercare. Which was funny, because Ben should be the one doing it for him. Not the other way around. “Told you I could get off just from looking at you.”
“Wow yeah you showed me.” Steve said sarcastically. “Can I clean you up?”
Ben shook his head. “No, no you stay here. I’m going to shower. You rest, yeah?”
Steve just smiled fondly as Ben got up, dick still out casually. He could tell Steve liked him, too. The guys pupils practically changed into little hearts whenever their eyes met.
“Can I sleep in here with you?” He asked, and Ben was quickly back at his side, gripping his jaw.
“If you so much as ever sleep on that couch again I’m throwing it out the window.” And Steve laughed again at that. “We share this now, yeah? Our bed while you’re here.” He kissed his lips in a peck, then his nose. “Sleep. I’ll be right back.”
_____________
Ben woke up in that world again. The wrong one.
His heart thumped in his chest as he looked around. Vines were at his feet, wrapping around his ankles already. “Shit.” He hissed, kicking them off and standing quickly.
He fumbled along the path, confused and disoriented as he rubbed his head. He felt a migraine coming on. None of this ever made sense. It didn’t even feel like a dream half the time.
“Hey!” A voice called - his voice.
Ben turned, and the shadow he’d always seen before loomed in the distance.
It was walking quicker. Quicker and quicker. Coming for him.
He knew he should run but he stayed planted where he was. He wanted to know what he would even be running from. He wanted to see it, to finally see it.
When the shadow stopped in front of him, Ben felt sick.
It…was him. It was himself. Hair longer, a mess of unruly curls. Stronger. Meaner. He looked insane. Wild and all wrong. All wrong, wrong, wrong.
“What is this?” He asked, stepping forward and holding out his hand. The shadow man did the same, raising his own.
“What do you think it is?”
“Are you…me?”
He looked annoyed, gave his hand a small slap away and Ben tripped over a vine, nearly falling. “Try again.”
If it wasn’t him or some mirrored version of him, there was only one other person it could be. “Billy?”
The smile on his face was twisted. Wrong. Made Ben's stomach churn. “Not so stupid after all.”
“I’m…I’m confused. I’ve never dreamt of you before.”
In a flash, Billy was on him, hands around his throat. “Not a fucking dream, dipshit. Guess you’re really as dumb as I thought. Almost had me fooled.” He pushes him away again, licking his lips.
Ben gasped for air once released. His neck felt bruised. His touch felt like a burn on his skin.
This wasn't the brother he had been picturing. The heroic, kind person who saved everyone. “What do you want?”
“I want you.”
______________________
Steve woke up with a gasp, sweating, sheets crumpled around him.
He couldn’t remember what he had been dreaming but he knew it wasn’t good. He almost forgot where he was until he saw Ben on his side, turned and looking at him. “Sorry. Did I wake you up? Think I had a nightmare.” He laid back down, running his hands through his damp hair. He seriously couldn't remember any of it, but damn was he scared. He still felt on edge from it.
The silence that followed had Steve confused. “Ben?”
Ben climbed on-top of him, arms caging him in. Steve was about to smile, to make a joke, but Ben…didn’t look right. He wasn’t warm and smiling. His eyes didn’t have that light they usually did. He looked…he looked like Billy.
“Ben? You okay?”
Ben leaned down, sniffing along Steve’s jaw, giving him goosebumps. “Missed me so much you had to fuck my brother, Harrington?”
Steve froze.
Harrington.
Ben never called him by his last name. Never would. Wasn’t even sure if Ben remembered what it was.
Steve quickly went to move, to get up, but he was pushed back into place. “Did you pretend it was me when you had your cock in his mouth?” He laughed. “Always knew there was something a little off about you. Could smell it.” He leaned down again to get a whiff and Steve turned his head quick, holding his breath.
“This can’t be happening. You’re dead.”
“Whose dead?” He asked, that sick smile on his face, that tongue poking out like a wolf about to consume it’s prey.
“Y-You are.”
“Who is? Hm? Say my name, Harrington. Tell me.”
Steve finally allowed himself to look at his eyes again. There was no denying who was inside Ben’s body right now.
“Billy.”