Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

(shanesaysfuckyou has added ryantits, quintaaaaa, ujeans, korndaddy, nedisbetterthanyou, Sara Rubin, keithisbetterthanned, and bRONT to the conversation)

shanesaysfuckyou: welcome bitches

ryantits: why

(bRONT has left the conversation)

ryantits: BRENT DON’T LEAVE US ALONE

(ryantits has added bRONT to the conversation)

(bRONT has left the conversation)

ujeans: fine brent

shanesaysfuckyou: wE’RE FINE WITHOUT YOU

Sara Rubin: Shane why did you make this? We see each other every day at the office.

korndaddy: preach it sara

shanesaysfuckyou: because I want to talk with you guys when we’re not at work

quintaaaaa: nah he wants to annoy the shit out of us

shanesaysfuckyou: yeah pretty much

ryantits: god fucking dammit

nedisbetterthanyou: nice user sara

Sara Rubin: It’s practical!

quintaaaaa: don’t hate on sara shes the best person here

keithisbetterthanned: yeah ned

korndaddy: jesus ned

ujeans: come on man

shanesaysfuckyou: not cool

ryantits: shane the fuck is your user

(shanesaysfuckyou has changed their name to: shanesaysfuckyouryan)

shanesaysfuckyouryan: better

Sara Rubin: Shane, be nice to Ryan.

ryantits: tHANK YOU SARA AT LEAST SOMEONE APPRECIATES ME

Sara Rubin: You’re welcome Ryan!

ujeans: what is this

korndaddy: the heteros

ujeans: disgusting

ryantits: the fuck did you just call me

ujeans: hetero

ryantits: dISGUSTING

quintaaaaa: GAY

ryantits: yeah

korndaddy: got it in one

ujeans: where are keith and ned

shanesaysfuckyouryan: yeah are yall dead

keithisbetterthanned: oh sorry for having a life outside of this

nedisbetterthanyou: my name is too long right

ryantits: yea I suppose

(nedisbetterthanyou has changed their name to: nedswife)

nedswife: hows this

Sara Rubin: Better, but know it sounds like Ariel is here.

nedswife: true

(nedswife has changed their name to: nedshusband)

nedshusband: this is good

quintaaaaa: ned

nedshusband: wait

(nedshusband has changed their name to: redned)

redned: yall were really gonna let me play myself like that

ryantits: that was fuckin funny

redned: GOD SAKES PEOPLE

keithisbetterthanned: now it looks like redneck tbh

redned: oh and keithisbetterthanned is any better

(keithisbetterthanned has changed their name to: KEITH)

KEITH: so you know who I am

Sara Rubin: And we didn’t already?

KEITH: just in case

redned: i like it

KEITH: thanks ned

redned: yeah no I don’t fuck you

quintaaaaa: that was successful

Sara Rubin: Where are Shane and Ryan?

KEITH: fucking

redned: what abt zach and eugene

KEITH: also fucking

ryantits: fOR THE LAST TIME WE ARENT DATING

KEITH: ok

shanesaysfuckyouryan: done with ur shit keith

KEITH: rip

quintaaaaa: gnight gays

ujeans: im back

ujeans: didja miss me

ujeans: I know you did

redned: it was like ten minutes

korndaddy: yeah well he does only last that long

KEITH: HOLY ASDFGHJKL

quintaaaaa: HOLY SHIT ZACH

ryantits: dAMN ZACH

shanesaysfuckyouryan: WHATTA SAVAGE MY GOD

ujeans: zach I really thought we had something

quintaaaaa: and on that note GOOD FUCKING NIGHT

Sara Rubin: Good night guys!!! <3

shanesaysfuckyouryan: see yall tomorrow

Chapter Text

ujeans: do u guys think that pigeons have feelings

quintaaaa: go to sleep eugene

Chapter Text

                                                                                      Saturday, 7:45 am, March 2017

ujeans: sometimes I wonder if my father is in the mafia

korndaddy: eugene wtf

redned: ur dad is v scary

ujeans: he also disappears randomly

ryantits: #yangismafia

ujeans: wait I feel bad now

quintaaaaa: A P O L O G I Z E F O O L

quintaaaaa: they’ll kill y

shanesaysfuckyouryan: goodbye

ryantits: she sacrificed herself,,,,,, to warn us,,,,,,,,

korndaddy: eugene ur dad still really scares me

ujeans: bITCH I WILL CUT YOU

ryantits: things are heating up in the kornfeld-yang house

shanesaysfuckyouryan: that is a dead meme get out

ryantits: this is biphobia

shanesaysfuckyouryan: FIGHT ME HOE

ryantits: dennys at 2 am

shanesaysfuckyouryan: ITS ON BITCH

quintaaaaa: not again

redned: why yall like this

Sara Rubin: Shane is certainly living up to his user.

KEITH: oh my god just kiss already

(shanesaysfuckyouryan has removed KEITH from the chat)

ryantits: hE HAD IT COMING

ryantits: HE ONLY HAD HIMSELF TO BLAME

shanesaysfuckyouryan: don’t make this lame ryan

ryantits: tHEATER IS NOT FUCKING LAME

(redned has added KEITH to the chat)

KEITH: ryan can i help u kick shanes ass 

ryantits: anytime

PM with ujeans

korndaddy: get your ass over here and cuddle me

ujeans: im tired

korndaddy: too tired for your boyfriend

ujeans: we’re not boyfriends

korndaddy: still

ujeans: …

ujeans: be there in 10

korndaddy: :)

PM with Sara Rubin

shanesaysfuckyou: sara help

shanesaysfuckyou: I was watching a movie with ryan and hes asleep on me it’s the cUTEST THING

Sara Rubin: Awww! Why don’t you just ask him out? And you changed your name!

shanesaysfuckyou: no

shanesaysfuckyou: I am the worst theres no way someone as good n pure as ryan bergara would go out with me

Sara Rubin: At this point, I’d take asshole Shane over pining Shane any day.

shanesaysfuckyou: I think that’s a compliment?

Sara Rubin: Its not.

shanesaysfuckyou: im never coming to you again

PM with Sara Rubin

shanesaysfuckyou: hes like talking in his sleep im c r y i n g hes so aDORABLE

Sara Rubin: Put on your big gay pants and ASK HIM OUT DAMMIT.

shanesaysfuckyou: dAMN IM SORRY

Sara Rubin: This is why I left you.

shanesaysfuckyou: I think the whole me being gay thing contributed to that as well

Sara Rubin: True.

the great buzzfeed group chat
4:20 am

ujeans: blaze it

shanesaysfuckyou: blaze it

ryantits: if yall don’t go to sleep

Chapter Text

the great buzzfeed group chat
7:54 am

ryantits: iiiiiiiiiiits sUNDAYYYY

ujeans: shut the fuck uuuup

ryantits: nO

ujeans: die

ryantits: that’s the goal

The great buzzfeed group chat
10:29 am

quintaaaaa: good morning children

KEITH: she lives

shanesayfuckyou: QUINTA I THOUGHT THE MAFIA KILLED YOU

quintaaaaa: sssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

ryantits: fuck gotta blast

(ryantits has left the chat)

shanesaysfuckyou: bye???

PM with redned

ryantits: ned I have a confession to make

redned: yeah

ryantits: well a question before that

redned: ok

ryantits: I should explain this though

redned: just say it

ryantits: ok

ryantits: wait no question nvm

redned: RYAN FOR FUCKS SAKE

ryantits: oK JESUS

ryantits: well I may have

ryantits: caught feelings

redned: fOR WHO

redned: whomstdve the fuck is it

ryantits: caught feelings for

ryantits: shane

redned: OUR SHANE

ryantits: yes I caught feelings for shane alexander madej the one who I coproduce buzzfeed unsolved with

ryantits: of course “our shane” who else

ryantits: WHAT DO

redned: well leaving the chat wasn’t a great decision

ryantits: I PANICKED

redned: you may want to consider uuhhhhhhhh

redned: sucking his dick?

ryantits: NO

ryantits: ur the worst why are we even friends

redned: because 420 blaze it

ryantits: u right 420 blaze it

(redned has added ryantits to the conversation)

ryantits: 420 blaze it

shanesaysfuckyou: rYAN!!! IS THAT A WEED?

ryantits: no its just a crayon

shanesaysfuckyou: IM CALLING THE POLICE

redned: *beep* *beep* *beep*

KEITH: 911 whats your emergency

ryantits: iconic

ujeans: gmorning you little shits

ryantits: eugene why do you hate me

ujeans: I hate everyone before 10 am

KEITH: you misspelled at all times

ujeans: shut up keith

PM with Sara Rubin

shanesaysfuckyou: sARA I looked through ryans sketchbook and theres so many drawings of me

Sara Rubin: See! He does like you!

shanesaysfuckyou: yeah idk

Sara Rubin: Oh my god.

Sara Rubin: How many were of you?

shanesaysfuckyou: about half

Sara Rubin: What were you doing in the drawings?

shanesaysfuckyou: sitting at my desk, laughing, smiling, talking in unsolved, that shit

Sara Rubin: HE. LIKES. YOU.

shanesaysfuckyou: I cant be suuuuuuure !!!!!!

Sara Rubin: Take your problems to Ned I’m too tired for this.

shanesaysfuckyou: saraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa heeeeeeeeeelllllllpppppppp

shanesaysfuckyou: gtg work on a project with eugene

Sara Rubin: Have fun pining!

PM with korndaddy

ujeans: pls tell me we weren’t as bad with pining as shane and ryan before we started hooking up

korndaddy: no ones as bad as shane and ryan when it comes to pining

ujeans: if they don’t get together I may explode

korndaddy: we could always lock them in a closet

ujeans: good plan

Chapter Text

the great buzzfeed groupchat

5:37 pm

redned: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiits Wednesday

redned: yall know what that means

quintaaaaa: u n ur wife are gonna fuck

redned: maaaaayyyyyyyyybe aaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnd its date night!!!

ryantits: don’t use more than one letter at a time that’s a trademarked ryan bergara thing™

shanesaysfuckyou: yeah ned that’s a ryan bergara thing™

ryantits: u heard it here fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirst neddy

redned: don’t call me that

ryantits: ill call u whatever the fuck I please if you use my ryan bergara thing™

redned: YOU CANT TRADEMARK SOMETHING THAT BROADLY EXISTS

ryantits: watch me

(ryantits has changed their name to: ryantits™)

ryantits™: BOOM

redned: you’ve made your point

ryantits™: thank you

(ryantits™ has changed their name to: ryantits)

KEITH: are you kids done yet or

redned: we’re done

KEITH: ok good because I too am going on a date

shanesaysfuckyou: WITH WHOMSTDVE

KEITH: theres this really nice girl named becky and we’re catching a movie

ujeans: get some

KEITH: that’s the goal

redned: damn up n at em

redned: gotta go on a dATE

KEITH: same gotta ghost

shanesaysfuckyou: GHOSTS ARENT REAL

KEITH: nvm gotta go

shanesaysfuckyou: fine

PM with ujeans

korndaddy: so becky and keith are pretty cute

korndaddy: going on dates and stuff

ujeans: yea I suppose

korndaddy: what if we

korndaddy: hypothetically

korndaddy: went on a date

ujeans: what if we

ujeans: hypothetically

ujeans: stuck with what we agreed with in the beginning.

korndaddy: oh

korndaddy: k.

PM with ryantits

korndaddy: ok ryan youre good at advice right

ryantits: not in the slightest

korndaddy: great!

ryantits: here we go again

korndaddy: so what if you caught feelings

korndaddy: n this is purely hypothetical

korndaddy: caught feelings for the guy you’ve been platonically fucking

korndaddy: hypothetically

ryantits: um that doesn’t sound hypothetical

korndaddy: it is I assure you

ryantits: who have you been platonically fucking ???

ryantits: not eugene you two are dating

korndaddy: actually yeah

korndaddy: just platonically fucking

ryantits: oh my god

ryantits: this explains a lot.

ryantits: you told him you caught feelings?

korndaddy: yeah

ryantits: and then what ???

korndaddy: well I guess hes ignoring me

ryantits: im going to kill eugene tomorrow

korndaddy: please don’t

ryantits: ill be at ur house in 20 with pizza and movies

korndaddy: u are the purest human ryan bergara never go away

(ryantits has added shanesaysfuckyou, quintaaaaa, Sara Rubin, KEITH, and redned to super-secret zagene vention)

10:28 pm

ryantits: hey guys I know you may be asleep but this is important

Sara Rubin: I’m up, whats wrong?

shanesaysfuckyou: yeah im up

quintaaaaa: sup ryan

KEITH: im here too

redned: yeah what

ryantits: ok so the gangs all here

shanesaysfuckyou: that is another dead meme gtfo

ryantits: I cant believe im saying this but now is not the time for memes

shanesaysfuckyou: ryan bergara not having time for memes

shanesaysfuckyou: this is important

ryantits: shut up shane

KEITH: spill ryan

redned: yeah youre taking forever

ryantits: ok hold please

ryantits: ok so I was told by zach that he and eugene were in a bit of trouble

Sara Rubin: No! How?

ryantits: ok so zach told me that he told eugene

KEITH: uh huh

ryantits: that they were just fwb

redned: NO FUCKING WAY

shanesaysfuckyou: oh my fucking god

quintaaaaa: ARE U FR

ryantits: YES I AM

quintaaaaa: NO WAY RYAN

shanesaysfuckyou: this is crazy holy shit

Sara Rubin: That would actually make a lot of sense.

redned: but I cant believe it they seem so happy together

ryantits: ok but hold on

redned: RYAN FFS YOURE TAKING AS LONG TO TELL US AS U DID WHEN U TOLD ME U LIKED SHANE HURRY TF UP

shanesaysfuckyou: Wait, what?

redned: oh shane youre in here

redned: WAIT SHANE YOURE IN HERE

shanesaysfuckyou: yes I am?

(redned has removed shanesaysfuckyou from the chat)

The great buzzfeed group chat

10:47 pm

shanesaysfuckyou: does anyone want to tell me whats going on?

super secret-zagene-vention

10:48 pm

ryantits: Ned what did you just say?

redned: fuck dude, I am so, so, sorry.

ryantits: Sorry doesn’t change anything!

KEITH: ned, what the fuck?

redned: Ryan I am so damn sorry I am such an asshole im so fucking stupid

ryantits: I’ll see you guys tomorrow. Bye.

(ryantits has left the chat)

KEITH: great fucking job ned.

Sara Rubin: Wait, Ryan likes Shane?

redned: obviously.

Sara Rubin: This is great!

quintaaaaa: youre kidding. how is this great at all?

Sara Rubin: Because Shane likes Ryan!

KEITH: does he?

Sara Rubin: Yes! So now they can get together and Ned and I wont have to deal with them pining!

redned: you think they will?

Sara Rubin: Well, hopefully.

redned: bullshit. both of them are so shy about their feelings. It took them forever to even say they were even close.

KEITH: exactly. so they wont.

Sara Rubin: Unless we help!

quintaaaaa: we shouldn’t just meddle around in their love lives. This is between the two of them and them alone.

Sara Rubin: But we’re their closest friends!

quintaaaaa: I know, but this is personal shit. we should let them figure it out.

Sara Rubin: I guess youre right. We should get some sleep.

redned: god, I hope ryan doesn’t kill me.

KEITH: just go to bed guys. Itll work out.

quintaaaaa: god, this just gets even more depressing.

PM with shanesaysfuckyou

ryantits: shane, you have every right to be mad at me. im mad at me. i think im a fucking idiot. i just want to let you know that i fucked up, i fucked up so damn much, and i feel like a dick because our friendship is just wasted now and you dont have to look me in the eyes or talk to me or work with me on anything and i can move my desk away from yours tomorrow. 

Shane, I am so, so, so sorry you ever had to meet me. Because all I do is ruin things.

Good night.

Chapter Text

PM with shanesaysfuckyou

Sara Rubin: So, how was your day?

shanesaysfuckyou: do you really want the answer to that question ?

Sara Rubin: Yes, because I care about you very much

shanesaysfuckyou:: you’re a gem, sara.

shanesaysfuckyou: shitty.

Sara Rubin: Should I ask why or do I already know the answer?

shanesaysfuckyou: if you’ve all been gossiping about poor little shane and how fucking pathetic he is, then you do know.

Sara Rubin: I’m sure not that  many people know.

shanesaysfuckyou: oh ? ok. well no one will look me in the eyes, nobody said anything to me, and ned is acting like this martyr, trying to be all heroic or whatever. And ryan was the worst. He avoided me at all costs, he didn’t show up for filming, he moved his desk away from mine, and when I tried to sit with him at lunch, he walked away. So my day has been fan fucking tastic.

Sara Rubin: Sorry, man.

shanesaysfuckyou: and to top it all off, I get a text from ryan at 1 am that I didn’t see that said he was sorry I ever met him.

Sara Rubin: Oh no.

Sara Rubin: What do you plan on doing?

shanesaysfuckyou: oh I don’t know, kill myself

Sara Rubin: Stop it. I know you’re going through some shit, but you shouldn’t joke about that stuff.

shanesaysfuckyou: who said I was joking

Sara Rubin: On my way to your place with two bottles of vodka.

shanesaysfuckyou: but its Thursday

Sara Rubin: So?

shanesaysfuckyou: fair point come on over

Super secret zagene vention

6:45 pm

Sara Rubin: Who do we help next?

quintaaaaa: what

Sara Rubin: Zach and Eugene or Shane and Ryan?

quintaaaaa: I don’t actually think that zach or eugene knows

KEITH: oh they got the full story from hamlet over here

redned: how was I not supposed to tell them?

KEITH: maybe because you cant fucking whisper

KEITH: didn’t you notice that ryan ran to the bathroom with his head in his hands after you explained???

Sara Rubin: Oh dear.

redned: I just keep fucking up, don’t i

Sara Rubin: You cant blame yourself Ned.

redned: watch me

quintaaaaa: I vote zach and eugene first

Sara Rubin: Great! The votes are all in.

KEITH: the fuck what about me

Sara Rubin: Quintas vote is the only one that mattered. Lets go!

PM with ryantits

korndaddy: ryan,,,, bb,,,, I know you’ve had a v bad day but can u still talk

ryantits: ofc zach whats the problem

korndaddy: it has been several hours since eugene and I last spoke

ryantits: aw zach

ryantits: im sorry

korndaddy: hes ignoring me I might cry

korndaddy: what if I go to his apartment and just stand there

korndaddy: then he has to talk to me

ryantits: that’s very stalker-ish

korndaddy: what do I dooooooooooooooo

ryantits: hmmm

ryantits: not sure

ryantits: confront him. Itll work.

korndaddy: u sure ?

ryantits: no no no I don’t know I don’t know what im doing

ryantits: im going to bed

korndaddy: ryan its not even 7

ryantits: good night

The great buzzfeed group chat

6:57 pm  

(Sara Rubin has named the chat: zagene get your shit together)

Sara Rubin: Okay you two, lets work this out.

ujeans: what is this

redned: public humiliation

ujeans: why

ryantits: for making me go over to zachs and watch mean girls

korndaddy: are you complaining mean girls is gREAT

ryantits: its amazing but not when someone cries into your arm the entire time

korndaddy: fair point

quintaaaaa: ok lets get to it. eugene, what the fuck did you do?

ujeans: what

korndaddy: so…

ujeans: what

korndaddy: cut the shit eugene u know what

korndaddy: look either u like me back and we’re bfs or you don’t and I move on

ujeans: …

ujeans: i,,,,

ujeans: do like you

korndaddy: YEET

korndaddy: ur a dick for ignoring me but

korndaddy: YEET

korndaddy: wanna come over

ujeans: be there in 20

KEITH: jesus keep your sexcapades in private chats

KEITH: but don’t ignore eachother anymore that was scary

it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for

PM with ryantits

shanesaysfuckyou: Hey.

shanesaysfuckyou: can we talk about this?

shanesaysfuckyou; ryan don’t you dare ignore me I can see you on tumblr. Now please answer me we have to talk.

ryantits: Fine. What?

shanesaysfuckyou: so, I know you probably think I’m mad at you.

ryantits: Which you should be.

shanesaysfuckyou: well, no. im not mad. at all.

ryantits: Did Sara put you up to this?

shanesaysfuckyou: no, why would she have ???

ryantits: Because im not fucking blind, and they don’t realize that I can tell theyre all talking about stupid little pathetic ryan and his starcrossed nonexistent relationship with shane.

shanesaysfuckyou: oh. Well she didn’t.

ryantits: if that’s all youre going to say, can I leave?

shanesaysfuckyou: im not done yet

ryantits: fine.

shanesaysfuckyou: well,

shanesaysfuckyou: lets do it this way; I have a proposal to make.

ryantits: forget that this ever happened?

shanesaysfuckyou: no. the opposite.

ryantits: never speak to eachother again?

shanesaysfuckyou: just listen to me!

ryantits: ok, spill.

shanesaysfuckyou: like I said, I have a proposal.

ryantits: which is?

shanesaysfuckyou: well

shanesaysfuckyou: would you

shanesaysfuckyou: like to

ryantits: yes??

shanesaysfuckyou: gp oit wiyhbmr

ryantits: what???

shanesaysfuckyou: stupid nerves

ryantits: just say it!

shanesaysfuckyou: willyougiptotwirhme

ryantits: I cant tell what you’re saying!

shanesaysfuckyou: I said,

ryantits: WHAT?!

shanesaysfuckyou: WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME?

ryantits: jfldc

shanesaysfuckyou: That’s what I wanted to say, ok? Would you like to go out?

ryantits: wahtg

ryantits: hiow

ryantits: youbdontt liker me

shanesaysfuckyou: yes, I do actually. I cant believe im saying this to you but youre super cute

ryantits: wjahsgadikq;lankj

PM with Sara Rubin

shanesaysfuckyou: sara I asked ryan out and I think I broke him

Sara Rubin: YOU ASKED HIM OUT YAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY

Sara Rubin: What do you mean “broke him” ?

shanesaysfuckyou: [ryantits-shanesaysfuckyou-pm.jpeg]

Sara Rubin: I see what you mean.

Sara Rubin: Well keep talking!

shanesaysfuckyou: I know I know

Sara Rubin: And Shane?

shanesaysfuckyou: yeah

Sara Rubin: Use protection!

PM with ryantits

shanesaysfuckyou: can you talk yet

ryantits: Shane?

shanesaysfuckyou: yeah

ryantits: I really, really would like to

ryantits: gp oit wiyhbyiu

ryantits: whered u go ???

ryantits: it wasnt tHAT bad of a joke

shanesaysfuckyou: sorry i was doin a victory dance

shanesaysfuckyou: but omg YES that’s the bEST NEWS ive liked you for so long dude

ryantits: omg sAME ive had a crush on u since u started doing unsolved with me lol

shanesaysfuckyou: so does this mean I can come to your place and kiss you

ryantits: if ur not here in 20 minutes im kicking u off unsolved

ryantits: shane?

ryantits: omg ur on ur way already im cryinf

PM with redned

ryantits: hey ned

redned: yeah

ryantits: when did you realize that you were in love with your wife

redned: when I got butterflies in my stomach when I saw her, when seeing her made me smile, when talking her made my day better

redned: why ?

ryantits: no reason

PM with Ariel Fulmer

ryantits: hey ariel, this is ryan from buzzfeed. Quick (and slightly weird question), when did you realize that Ned loved you?

Ariel Fulmer: Hi Ryan! That’s not weird at all, I’ve heard worse. I guess I figured it out when he tried really hard to always come and see me at the end of the day, or when he was always so sweet to me.

ryantits: ok, thank you!

PM with korndaddy

ryantits: ZACH HOLY FUCK