Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Melinda May was silent, but deadly. She was lethal. A perfect agent, a powerful ally, and a truly terrifying enemy.
She was not a mother. She couldn't be. Staring down at the paper in her hand, at the test results that told her exactly what she had expected them to, she felt nauseous for the first time. The blood test told her all she needed to know. She slipped out of the sterile, silent facility and made herself scarce. Being alone was all she knew sometimes. Suddenly, she was afraid she would never be alone again.
It had been roughly two months, on an op in Moscow. It was snowing, and beautiful, and she was lonely. She almost never let herself be lonely, only alone. She told herself that there was a difference. Agent Paul Garrison wasn't the standard office-issue paper cut-out. While May was cold and detached, he threw himself into everything, head over heart over heels. He wore colorful ties and told jokes, he stayed up late but rose early. He loved good wine and beautiful women, and he was good-looking in a funny kind of way, he even made her smile. No one could ever make her laugh, though he often tried.
Melinda fancied that he loved her, though the words never crossed his lips. He said he loved her taste in wine, her hair, her right hook. Never just "I love you." She wouldn't have known what to say even if he had. She told herself it was better that way. She told herself a lot of things.
But Paul was long gone, he had been buried and his grave had sprouted grass before Melinda had missed a period. Like most, he had no family. His funeral was poorly attended, just a few ex-girlfriends from SHIELD Human Resources and some friends from West Point. Melinda hadn’t known what to say to any of them, so she just stood there, resisting the urge to vomit, which she attributed to the loss of a good partner and a questionable hot dog earlier in the day.
That loss seemed minimal compared to the choice before her. She didn’t know what she would do, so she did what she did best. She turned away from others, to spend time alone, and think.

Chapter Text

Melinda’s apartment didn’t really feel like hers. It was one of the randomly assigned SHIELD apartments, located in strategic points in the city, designed especially for agents who were mostly in the field. The primary colors were grey and white, the main design scheme, minimalist. The apartment was small, but not cramped. It lacked the qualities of a home that is totally inhabited, there were no framed photographs, the bookshelves were mostly bare, the counters were spotless. The entryway of the apartment led into a small living room, with a grey couch, wooden coffee table, and outdated television set. The kitchen was small, almost miniscule, the right size for a single business woman who didn’t date, never cooked and rarely ate in. The bathroom was about the same size, and just about as empty, and the bedroom contained a bed, a closet, and not much more. The only indication that anyone lived in the barren apartment was the suitcase next to the door, and the huge pile of mail next to it.
“Hello?” A woman knocked on the door of the almost empty apartment, and the sound reverberated off of the bare walls, causing the sleeping Melinda to wake with a snort. Shaking herself awake, Melinda stretched. It wasn’t like her to fall asleep on the couch. Her stomach growled noisily, drawing her attention to the noise that woke her. Melinda’s long, dark hair was escaping the tight braid she had plaited the night before as she read covert operations files. She was wearing pajama pants and a grey t-shirt without a bra.
“Great,” She muttered to herself. “I look like a sorority girl during finals week.” Shrugging, she walked to the door, quickly grabbing a bra from her suitcase and pulling it on under her shirt.
“Hello?” The knocking on her door continued, intensifying to a rapid, insistent tapping.
Melinda looked through the underused peep-hole and saw a small blonde woman on the other side, holding a large purse and the contents of a small filing cabinet.
Melinda sighed, her forehead against the cool wood of the door. She had no choice. She unlocked the deadbolt and opened the door, instantly assuming a calm facial expression. It was her interrogation face.
“You’re Marsha Alcott?” She asked, standing in the doorway.
The woman was short, and blonde. She was barely five feet tall, wearing a pair of jeans and a sweater. She looked haphazardly put together, she was wearing two different earrings, and her hair was unevenly brushed. The short blonde woman raised her eyebrows at Melinda and handed her a driver’s license from the pocket of her coat. She somehow managed to juggle the half a dozen, thick files she was carrying in addition to the bag she had slung over her shoulder.
“Good enough, Agent May?” She asked, her tone unimpressed by the reception she was receiving.
“It will suffice. Come in.” Melinda stood aside and let the woman into her apartment.

A moment later, the two women sat in silence on opposite ends of the small couch on which Melinda had spent the night, in awkward silence.
“So,” Marsha began, wiping her palms on her jeans. “Why am I here, exactly?”
“I got your name from Agent Coulson.” Melinda said. “I needed someone discreet.”
“What for?” Marsha asked, directly.
“I’m pregnant.” Melinda said, in a voice with no inflection.
Marsha was speechless. “Oh. That’s not deeply personal from an almost complete stranger. So,” She cleared her throat self-consciously. “What can I do for you?”
“I’m not sure. What would you normally recommend?” Melinda asked. She was uncomfortably out of her depth when it came to the whole reproductive process. Sex she could handle. Sex she understood, she was good at. But she had never intended to have children.
“Honestly, Agent May, I’m not sure what to tell you. I’m not an OBG-YN, I’m a cardiologist.” Marsha replied, slightly confused.
“I just need to know how to proceed from here.” Melinda said, calmly, not allowing her voice to betray her inner frustration. How could this woman not understand? She didn’t get it, there was literally no way forward that she could understand. This wasn’t part of the plan.
“Well . . .” Marsha trailed off awkwardly. “I assume you’ve decided to carry the pregnancy to term?”
“I guess.” Melinda said, slowly. there were choices to be made, and she had no idea how any of them should be tackled. She hardly even knew what they were.
“Is there a . . . father in the picture?” Marsha asked, hesitantly.
“Mine is dead, so is the baby’s.” Melinda said, her voice toneless.
“Well, are you experiencing morning sickness?” Marsha asked, grasping at straws.
“Frequently.” Melinda said, her voice still without inflection.
“Are you taking any prenatal vitamins?”
“No.”
“Well, that’s a place to start.” Marsha said, hopefully. Her anxiety was mounting. Agent May seemed a bit eerily calm, and it made her feel nervous. “I’ll have that taken care of, you should start on those as soon as possible.”
“Okay.”
“Have you thought about what you’re going to do about work? You won’t be cleared physically for field work in your condition.” Marsha told her.
“I haven’t taken a vacation since I started at SHIELD. I’ve saved up enough vacation time.” Melinda calculated.
“How far along are you?” Marsha asked, carefully.
“Two months.”
“Alright, I’d suggest you go on leave at once, and I’ll arrange an appointment for you-”
“No.” Melinda May’s face was stony as she turned to face Marsha, looking her straight in the face for the first time since her arrival. “No one can know.”
“Why not?” Asked Marsha, nonplussed.
“Because I’m a SHIELD agent.” Melinda said simply. “It’s my life.”
“That’s not necessary-” Marsha began.
“It is. That’s the way I am, Doctor Alcott.” Melinda cut her off, her gaze flinty. “I cannot be a mother.”
“Alright,” Marsha said, attempting a calm tone. “So, you can give the child up for adoption. But someone’s going to have to know about it. You have to see doctors-”
“You’ll treat me here.” Melinda said, seeing another choice ahead of her. “SHIELD has eyes everywhere but inside this apartment. I have no family, no close friends, only coworkers. No one will think anything of my disappearance, I’ll be on vacation. I’ll cover my tracks, call in favors with the IT department, who can make me appear to be in Tibet or Mongolia. I’ll disappear for a few months, and come back as if it never happened.”
“If that’s what you want, Agent May.” Marsha said, bemused. “I’ll help you.”
“It is what I want.” Melinda confirmed. “And thank you.”

Chapter Text

"Agent May, are you certain of this course of action?" Doctor Marsha asked Melinda, looking at her seriously over the table. Her coffee steamed before her on the table, making her eyes water. It was truly terrible stuff. She only drank it to be polite.
"I'm positive." Melinda said. "F6."
"Ugh, you sunk me!" Marsha said, throwing her hands up in the air in defeat.
"Next time, take my word for it." Agent May replied, her tone even, but subtly pleased. "I'm undefeated in Battleship."
"Well, I'm more of a puzzle person myself." Marsha shrugged. She helped Melinda pack up the game, putting the box aside, and the two women sat in silence. They had grown more comfortable that way over the last six weeks. As May's pregnancy progressed, she and Marsha had planned out a few house calls. Marsha came over and drank the horrible coffee that Agent May prepared for her, asked her about her symptoms, and did what she could to help. The two women sat on either side of the tiny, square table, in uncomfortable chairs, and drank their hot beverages, lousy coffee for Marsha, Tea for May.
"So, how are you feeling?" Marsha asked May, taking another hesitant, cringing sip.
"Well, I've been sleeping ten hours out of the day." Agent May said, dryly, blowing on her tea just slightly. "I'm ordering food four times or more a day, and my feet are enormous."
"Yeah, there's not much I can do about that." Doctor Marsha said, looking over May's medical file. SHIELD stationary stared back at her, page after page of identical forms filled out in a cramped handwriting she recognized.
"I haven't been able to wake up at the normal time for weeks. It's throwing off my exercise routines." May reported.
"Sleep is good." Marsha commented.
"Thank you, that's terribly scientific." Agent May said, raising her eyebrows. She crossed her arms over her expanding bust line and sat back in the uncomfortable, high-backed chair.
"Agent May, ever since you called me in to help you through this difficult time in your life, I can't help but notice that you are resistant to the changes your body is going through." Marsha said, doing her best to be tactful, but feeling uncomfortably confrontational. She was very aware of the half a foot in height and intense training that Melinda had on her in that moment. She felt Melinda’s eyes on her, and continued. "I understand that you were unprepared for this pregnancy, but you're going to have to accept it. You have made a choice, and you've chosen to have this child. This is not going to be easy, and your resistance to it is going to make it harder. I'm here to help you have this kid, and you need to work with me."
"I understand, Doctor Alcott." Agent May replied, her voice about as warm as the Arctic.
After a few more moments of counsel and deliberation, Marsha took her leave and May sat, staring at the steaming mug across from her, alone.

May planned for her absence from the country over the next few weeks. She knew that she would start showing soon, and she made arrangements for a flight to New Delhi. She had the IT guys who owed her a favor loop the footage in her building, and had her mail redirected.
Over the last few weeks she had nested in the mostly empty apartment, while the kitchen was still mostly empty, she had some snacks for her weird cravings. The couch was softened by the addition of a few blankets, and May had spread out a few case files for review on the coffee table. Next to the case files, a few red pens for editing, and a copy of The Art of War, for when she grew bored.

Everything was going according to plan so far, with only one exception. Coulson had called at one point, to see how she had liked Marsha. They had a brief conversation, which suited May just fine. She bid him goodbye, and told him she would see him after her vacation, and ended the call.
May was lucky she had so few close friends. Only the girl who arranged her flights and bought her gear wondered what had become of her, anyone higher had knowledge of her vacation plans. In fact, there was an entire division devoted to the study and tracking of off-duty SHIELD agents. It was called the Strategic Tracking Of Non-Essential Resources Safety, or STONERS. Non-essential resources referred to agents or assets whose efforts were not necessary at all times, who could afford to take a vacation. Agent May had accumulated two hundred and forty-five days of leave in all of her years working at SHIELD, just over eight months. For an agent in her late twenties, Melinda’s eight years of service to SHIELD was impressive. Melinda was one of top fifty in her field, and SHIELD kept an eye on her. They had to, she was very valuable. As a top asset for the organization, she was required to go under psychiatric evaluation every six months, medical examination before and after every mission, and polygraph testing every three months. There were whole filing cabinets on her. She knew all of this, so she knew her disappearance would have to be thorough and clean. She knew it would have to be a masterpiece, her best work. She knew that she couldn’t do it alone, and that frightened her more than any other part of the situation.

Chapter Text

Agent May was playing cards with her doctor in her living room, her rounded stomach cushioned by a soft black sweater, when Marsha brought up one subject that she hadn’t expected.
“What are your Christmas plans?” Marsha asked her, eating a spoonful of one of the nutritious yogurts she recommended for May to keep in her apartment.
“Nonexistent.” Melinda responded, putting down a winning card. “I don’t really like holidays.”
“Are you kidding? I love them.” Marsha smiled, shaking her head. She put down a card that trumped May’s, giving her patient a sly smile.
“You have small children, you have to love the holidays.” Agent May replied, dismissively.
“I never told you about my kids.” Marsha paused in a swallow of yogurt, raising her eyebrows at Melinda.
“SHIELD.” May stated, simply, pointing at herself.
Marsha just continued to stare.
“Well, you’re wearing a ring, which indicates that you are married, you only wear washable cotton-blend clothing and practical shoes, you wear no dangling jewelry, you are not a smoker, you are between the ages of twenty-seven and thirty-five, and you have a picture of two children in your wallet who share genetic markers that indicate that they are siblings.” Agent May said, by way of explanation.
“You looked me up?” Marsha said, putting down an ace.
“Yep.” May rolled her eyes. “But also my extensive training in reading body language and observant nature.”
“Sure.” The doctor nodded obligingly, giving May a silly smile.
“What are you planning for the holidays?” Melinda asked her.
“My husband is out of town,” Marsha admitted. “As I’m sure you know, he works with the UN. He’s in Islamabad, consulting on some big medical emergency. It’s classified, so even I don’t know what’s going on.”
“Too bad for the kids.” Melinda said. “I’m sure they’ll still love their Christmas presents.”
“Oh, we’re Jewish.” Marsha said, placing another card down as their stalled card game resumed. “We’re going to spend Hanukkah with my parents in Michigan.”
“That’s nice.” Melinda said, not sure what to say. She wasn’t one for religion. She didn’t believe in a higher power, or capital-G God. She knew aliens existed, but thought that resurrection was a bit far-fetched. She doubted that if it was possible, she wouldn’t know about it. If it was possible, SHIELD would know about it.

A few weeks later, Melinda watched the snow come down outside her window, looking out at the city, lit up with christmas lights and the holiday spirit in every bulb. A flurry of snow buffeted off of her window, just as a noisy knock perforated the silence of Melinda’s apartment. May frowned. She wasn’t expecting anyone.
May stood on the tiptoes of her swollen feet and looked out of the peephole in her door. Through the small circle, she saw two figures, heavily bundled up and covered in snow. One was small and the other, adult sized, but short. The larger figure reached into a pocket and held a piece of plastic up to the peephole, a driver's license. May rolled her eyes and swung the door open.
"You're getting more and more paranoid." Marsha told her, entering May's apartment dragging a small child behind her by one hand. Almost immediately, she unzipped her coat and removed it, and May saw why she had looked so bulky before. It wasn't entirely the warm coat, beneath it, Marsha had a baby strapped over her chest in a front-facing baby carrier.
"Please, come in." May said, her voice free of inflection but with more than a little sarcasm. She hung up Marsha's wet coat and took the coat the small child had abandoned on the floor. The little girl had frizzy blonde hair like her mother’s, and she sat on the floor, determinedly removing her tiny boots. She looked up at May with giant green eyes, and gave her a huge smile.
“Hi!” The little girl said, jumping up and nearly tackling May. May, one of the best field agents in the business, was taken down by a four year old.
“Careful, Shay!” Marsha charged, placing one hand on the sleeping baby’s head while attempting to reign in her daughter. “Sorry,” She apologized. “Eric swears she’ll be a linebacker someday.” She pulled her daughter off of the somewhat horrified May, who stood and stared at the little family awkwardly.
There was an awkward silence that only the two adults participated in, with little Shay running into every room in the apartment and the baby snoring.
“Every outgoing flight was canceled, so I thought I’d bring the kids over, so you wouldn’t be alone on the holidays.” Marsha explained, shifting on her feet, rocking to soothe the baby.
“I don’t mind being alone.” May said, glancing around the mostly darkened apartment.
“I mind.” Marsha replied, bluntly. “I brought cookies.“ She sat on the couch, and May sat beside her. Soon enough, they got to talking, and Shay calmed down enough to come over and have a cookie.
The didn’t talk the whole time, and they laughed a bit, and played a few hands of cards. They had a merry time together, alone. May had a nice time, surrounded by something she didn’t want for herself, but she knew made others happy, enjoying the company of the one person she trusted with her secret.