Work Text:
If you think that a kiss is all in the lips
C'mon, you got it all wrong, man
In retrospect, that was not how Shane would have chosen to do it.
It went downhill the moment he agreed to their idea of tagging along to a game. The Lakers were playing so of course Ryan was extra hyper and loud, and Sara seemed to be in the mood to scream just as much. And at first it was, literally, all fun and games. He and Helen were more quiet, cracking a joke or two about Ryan's reactions to what was happening in court. (Which, to be honest, Shane wasn't very interested in.) There was alcohol and two huge bags of popcorn. Everything was as it should be during the first half of the game – meaning confusing, loud, and very nonsensical to Shane.
Then there was the break – or whatever it was called when players stopped to drink gallons of water, he really didn't care to know – and the stadium was somewhat quieter, a lot of people staring at their phones. Shane himself was checking Twitter when Sara slapped his arm rather hard.
"Look, look, we're on the Kiss Cam!"
She was pointing at the screen closest to them and sure enough, the four of them were front and center, surrounded by animated hearts with the words Kiss Me! blinking underneath. He turned to Sara, but she shooed him away, saying, "No, not us, the two of you!"
He turned around and saw Helen trying to get Ryan to turn as well. This was all happening very fast. Before he knew, he was staring at a confused yet amused Ryan. With both their girlfriends urging them to just get going already , Shane dropped his phone and reached for Ryan's face.
This was one of the moments that made him reconsider his approach to life at times. He had always been one to just do things first and think about it later, and it had helped him come out of his shell more often than not. It had given him opportunities he would never have dreamed of a decade before, and it had been a fairly successful way to live his life to the fullest up until that point.
After what happened at the game, however, he had his doubts. He had reached for Ryan and kissed him; he heard the entire stadium explode in cheers. It hadn't been just a peck on the lips, either. There was tongue and a few head turns and a weird burning sensation on Shane's skin from Ryan's stubble rubbing against his face. But it had also been soft lips, familiar scents, a sharp jawline against his fingers. Miraculously, their teeth only knocked once.
Shane was laughing as they parted, while Ryan hid his face behind his hands, an embarrassed smile peeking through. The cam cut from them as soon as they had stopped. Helen was laughing out loud. She high-fived Shane over a hunched over Ryan, and then Sara.
Blood pumping in his ears, Shane felt the realization of what he had just done wash over him. He had not only kissed Ryan – he had kissed Ryan while sober, so no excuses, and in front of a stadium full of people. There would be videos. The game was being transmitted online, wasn't it? He tried to remember who he knew besides Ryan that would be watching before he stopped himself. Why was he so nervous about it? If his own girlfriend was fine with it, why wouldn't he?
Except (and this was a big except), he didn't know what Ryan was thinking. If he'd be mad later, when they walked to Sara's car, she being the DD for the evening. If he would be embarrassed about this hitting the internet; Shane was pretty sure at least part of Ryan's family was big on basketball. Had he just embarrassed Ryan for no reason other than because Sara and Helen had suggested it? Had he just made his friend uncomfortable for not thinking something through and just going with his gut?
Ryan looked up again after a minute, smiling wide and retorting to Helen's jokes with a lighthearted tone. He wasn't mad. Didn't seem like it, anyway. The tips of his ears were red, and so was his chin. He met Shane's eyes, and maybe out of nervousness, both of them laughed. Some of the tension that had built up on Shane's shoulders evaporated, because that had always been the effect of Ryan's laughter on him. They were alright. It was all for funsies, and there was nothing weird between them, not because of a good-natured kiss. Hell, the internet would have a blast.
So Shane tried to ignore the way his heart picked up speed after he met Ryan's gaze. He tried to ignore it every time it sped up after that, for a long time.
< Helen P.
hey shane
Im out for the weekend
Ryans gotta stay behind
But hes being too much of an ass these days
Not sleeping
Could u maybe stay over?
U know the drill
Make sure he doesnt overwork himself
received 20:31
Sure, no problem
Does he know I'm babysitting
?
I'll let him know
And more importantly:
Beer?
lol
Better bring some
We havent been drinking much at home
All right, I'll leave with him on friday
Have a safe trip!
thanks :)
Just so u know
Im cool with it
Gotta go now xo
received 20:57
Cool with what?
sent 20:57
..all right, ttyl
sent 21:22
"Hey, babe," Shane walked into the break room right after Sara. "How close are you to Helen?"
Sara, who was pouring coffee on her mug, frowned. "Helen? Which Helen?" A pause. "Ryan's Helen?"
"Yeah."
"Not much. She likes trance music," she said, making a face and handing Shane the coffee pot. "But I like her, she's nice. Why?"
"Do the two of you talk, or...? It's just. She asked me to stay over—"
"Ah, yeah, she mentioned that."
"Right, and then she said something like she doesn't mind? Am I missing something?" He tried to remember their texts as Sara eyed him curiously. "Did she swear off drinking by any chance?"
Sara snorted into her mug, "She's probably talking about something else entirely, baby."
"Which is...?"
"Mornin'," Jen dragged her feet into the room, yawning loudly.
Unsurprisingly, Sara engaged in conversation right away, prompting Jen about something work related. That left Shane to walk out still waiting for an answer to his question. He went to his desk and found what looked like a freshly showered Ryan, bags under his eyes and a beanie on his head.
"Hello, stranger," Shane said in that weird little voice he used to greet him sometimes, inspired by some weird video Ryan loved. "How are we this morning?"
Ryan scowled. He didn't look up. "Tired. I'm two Adobe crashes away from murdering someone. If George doesn't come back soon..."
"This week on BuzzFeed Unsolved we investigate the murder of George Diaz..."
"Shut up," said Ryan with a smile, finally meeting his eyes. Shane's smile spread across his face immediately. "I'm serious. I was working all night on one video and I'm starting to think George is some kind of god, or demon, because there's no fucking way he finishes up these in one fucking night."
"You could've asked for help, you know."
"Nah, it's fine," Ryan said, waiting for his screen to load. "You were busy with your research."
"For History? Ryan, I finished that two days ago."
"You did? Then you gotta help me, man, or we won't have the episodes for next week."
"Sure," Shane stretched on his chair. "Helen told you I'm coming over?"
Ryan averted his gaze, typing in his password. "Yep. I don't think there's any beer left, though."
"I'm bringing my own. Did she mention something about being uncomfortable with me there?"
This made Ryan look at him, startled. "No? Did she say something to you?"
"She said she's 'ok with it', but she didn't explain when I asked her what exactly it was that she was okaying," said Shane, watching with amusement as Ryan turned his face back to the screen so quickly his neck cracked. "You know something?"
"No. Do you, huh, do you want some coffee?" He asked, grabbing his own mug and standing up.
"Uh, no thanks? I just got some."
"Right. Be right back."
"Wait—" Shane held him by the wrist before he could walk away. Ryan looked down at their hands, surprised, but thankfully not bolting just yet. "You do know something. What is it?" When he didn't get an answer from Ryan's nervous face, he added: "Is everything alright between you two?"
"Of course. Yeah, yeah, everything's fine. It's just—We can talk about this some other time. We have the editorial meeting in like, fifteen minutes."
"Sure, yeah," he let go of Ryan's wrist and watched him walk away with his peripheral vision, still feeling the warmth of his skin on the tip of his fingers.
Ryan was asleep in a slightly weird position, one of his arms dangling from the couch with both feet on Shane's lap. He was snoring, but it was so faint it was barely noticeable. The TV had been muted for a while now. As slow and carefully as possible, Shane lifted Ryan's legs just enough so he could slip off the couch, making sure his feet were propped up on a pillow before he walked out on his tiptoes onto the balcony.
It was a chilly night. He looked back into the room behind him and saw that he would have to get something to keep Ryan warm soon. For a minute or two he just watched, glad that after a week of nearly zero sleep, Ryan was finally dozing off – even if it was in front of the TV, hardly fitting in the tiny couch of the one-bedroom.
Turning to the cityscape again, Shane called Sara's number. She picked up after the third ring, and Shane could hear the noise around her being muffled after a door was closed.
"Hey, baby, what's up," she said, happily.
"Guess who coaxed Workaholic of the Year into getting some sleep?"
"My hero! How did you do it?"
"Convinced him to watch me play Resident Evil."
"Which one?"
"The fourth one."
"You're evil," she laughed. "Good job, though. At least there's no alcohol involved this time."
"Are you kidding me? He would murder me in my sleep if I got him hungover." Shane enjoyed the sound of Sara's laughter for a moment. "How's everything on your side?"
"Ah, you know. Dancing on tables. Impromptu karaoke. Some belly dancing. A mess. A couple more shots and I'll join them, possibly."
"Please, get someone to film it."
"No evidence, " she said, changing the tone to something more serious. " Have you talked to Ryan? "
"About what?"
"About the two of you."
Shane hesitated. "What about it?"
"You know, your feelings and stuff. And don't tell me you're still in denial because I‘m not falling for that. Neither is Helen. She was hoping he’d say something this weekend.”
"Wait. What?" He tried laughing, but it got stuck in his throat. "That's not— That's a lot to unpack there, Sara. Maybe we should talk face to face about this?"
Silence. It wasn't until he saw the glow of the screen against the underside of his glasses that he realized she had hung up on him. He stared at the phone, dumbfounded, until there was an incoming video call. He picked up and saw Sara's face smiling at him, looking as beautiful as she had been hours before when she had posted a pic of herself.
"Better ?"
"That's not what I meant about face to face and you know that," Shane said.
"I know, and I'm sorry. Look, I just don't want you two to dance around each other forever. There's no reason for that."
"I—I don't—Is this your idea of a nice way to breakup with me? Because I'm sure you could've come up with a lot of names and not—Not Ryan's , of all people."
"I don't want to breakup. I never said I did, and I sure hope you don't want either because I like you and your dumb legs. No, this is me saying you and Ryan should talk, and if you want to get together, I mean, go for it! No harm done. "
"Hold on, is this— What are you saying, that I should be with both of you? At the same time?" He laughed nervously but ended it shortly when he saw she wasn't laughing. "Are you interested in seeing other people?"
"Not really. At least not now, I'm happy the way things are. But I would be happier if you sorted out your feelings. I don't mind going poly, if that's what's worrying you . We talked about this, way back, remember? And we can talk about it again, go into detail, if it'd help. "
Her screen froze for a second, and he tried raising the phone to get better signal. It didn't work, and she was still pixelated when she said, " I'm probably running out of data, I'll text you later. Talk to Ryan, please! "
"Wait, should we continue this over the phone?"
"Nah, go play your game, think things through and all, I'll go back to the party. Cool? Night, baby, love you! "
"Love you too," Shane had the time to say before the call was cut off mid-freeze. He didn't move. He kept staring at his phone – his homescreen was a pic of him and Sara, for fuck's sake – and tried to make sense of the conversation he'd just had. He felt his face hot, laughing in disbelief.
"Shane?"
His stomach dropped. He turned around to see Ryan standing there, at the door.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I heard my name." His voice quieted down until it was so small it was almost a whisper. "Was Sara talking about what I think she was?"
"Well, this is awkward," Shane tried joking, but Ryan didn't laugh. That was not the best night for jokes, he concluded. Ryan was staring at him, hesitating, much like a scaredy kitten wary to get any closer. "This is the first time she's brought this up, I swear to god. I wasn't—This isn't— She said Helen’s in it too?"
"She is," Ryan said simply.
They stood there, in silence. Shane didn't know what to say. He didn't want to bring it up like this because, again, this is not like he would have done , and he was afraid that the kiss at the Lakers game almost a year before had done enough damage for a lifetime. But at the same time, he didn't want to brush it off because he knew. He knew Sara was right. And seeing Ryan there, in front of him, only reminded him of that. Because Ryan looked beautiful. His hair was sticking out in the back, and the bags under his eyes were worse than ever, and the sweater he was wearing was so worn out it had makeshift thumb holes. But he looked beautiful. To Shane, he hadn't been anything but in a long time. It was weird thinking about it now that he understood that. He was aware that he hadn't just been playing along when he had kissed Ryan that day at the game. Before that, he had somehow tried to convince himself that he was crazy for thinking he wanted anything more than friendship from Ryan. He had tried to convince himself that they were just really close, and that justified wanting to scoot closer whenever they fell asleep next to each other. The kiss had changed things, sure, but he had hoped it wouldn't ruin them. He did his damn best to make sure it wouldn't.
"Shane," Ryan said. Pleaded. He looked scared. Not I've seen a ghost and he's gonna murder me scared; he seemed to be dreading what was transpiring there. And Shane hated it. He wanted to just close the distance between them and hug Ryan, take him into his arms and smell the familiar scent of shampoo and aftershave, let the beating of his heart against Ryan's chest speak for itself.
He did try to take a step further, but Ryan started just the tiniest bit. It sobered Shane up. He smiled, stepped aside and went into the living room again, avoiding Ryan's eyes. "Sorry, that was—I don't know, I think she was a bit drunk, actually. Maybe I should just go.”
"Wait, Shane. Don't."
Their eyes met.
“You sure?”
“Yeah, just… I think we need to talk. Sit down, I’ll get beer.”
Shane did. He slouched in an armchair, only half of him wishing he knew what to say – the other half was too nervous to form any thoughts. Ryan came back with two beers, handed him one and sat down on the couch. He took a long sip and looked at Shane.
“So.”
“So.”
“Look, I just think there’s something to talk about here, alright? I’m not comfortable either but we gotta get past it, man, it’s not— It’s not something we can just ignore and move on.”
He still looked anxious, Shane thought. And tired, but he didn’t look like he was about to back down. Shane gulped down a mouthful of liquid courage.
“Alright,” he said, sitting up straight. He could feel the words bubbling up before he had tried to think them through. “Alright, fine, let’s talk about it. You want me to be honest here? Fine. The truth is, I’ve been wanting to kiss you again since that day at the game with the Kiss Cam. There. Said it. Not out of curiosity, just. Straight up kiss you.”
The words hung between them, heavily. Shane, once again, tried joking to break the tension. “You’re one hell of a kisser, Bergara.”
It worked. Ryan took a second to react, initially taken aback by the sudden outburst of honesty, but then he chuckled, “You’re not too bad yourself, Madej.”
“I just didn’t want to, you know, make things awkward. You’re usually so fucking standoffish when it comes to these things, I—“
“What do you mean, standoffish ?”
“You build little pillow barriers between us when we’re on the same bed, man. You don’t even let me joke around and call you 'baby'. The message’s pretty clear, I didn’t want to force something you’re not comfortable with...” He was surprised to see Ryan laugh at that, using a hand to brush his face. “What?”
“You’re such an idiot. We're both idiots.”
“I know that, but why?”
“This isn't coming just from Sara,” Ryan explained, meeting his eyes with an easy smile. The fearfulness from before was gone now. “Helen came up to me after the New Years and talked about this, about… About what if, you know? She knows me better than anyone, and she saw right through me. Right through my bullshit. She wasn’t thrilled at first because she somehow thought I’d pick you over her, which is ridiculous... No offense,” he added.
“None taken. It is ridiculous.”
“So yeah, she suggested she’d be fine if we were to do something about, uh…” Ryan gestured between them awkwardly. “This, whatever this is. That's what she was okaying with you.”
“Wait a minute, are you saying that all that shit about pillow barriers and you avoiding any sort of physical contact was… What?”
“Compulsory heterosexuality. Mostly.”
Shane's eyebrows shot up, and Ryan held up his hands, defensively.
“Look, I may have been on Google a few times, ok? I was scared as fuck, dude, it was not an easy ride.”
“Sounds like you’ve been on Tumblr, actually.”
“Oh, and you're one to talk. There's some interesting things there.”
Shane grinned. “You’ve been reading fanfic.”
“No,” Ryan scoffed, but gave up right away. “Ok, I've read maybe a couple of them. But they were nice. You’re a lot more chivalrous in them than in real life, for some reason.”
“Don’t forget the ones where I tie you up,” Shane said, taking a sip.
Ryan closed his eyes with an embarrassed smile. “Can we please not. Right now.”
“Maybe later?”
He opened his eyes and saw Shane winking at him. A second later Shane was getting a pillow thrown at his face, laughing with more ease than he thought possible, considering the circumstances. After a couple of oh my gods and more laughter, they fell in silence, finishing their beers.
“I still love Sara,” said Shane, staring at Ryan’s feet. “That hasn’t changed, but…”
Ryan didn’t answer. He waited, and Shane sensed they were walking into uncharted territory, risking setting a bomb off at any second. He cleared his throat and looked up. Ryan himself was clenching his jaw, gripping the bottle of beer with white knuckles. A wave of affection hit Shane, and he wasn’t surprised by it. That wasn’t the first time. Except now he could give a name to it.
“I love you, Ryan,” he said. Ryan looked up. “As a friend, as a lover, as anything you’ll allow me to be. I don’t think this has ever happened to me before, but I’m effectively in love with two people. And I can’t imagine my life without either of them. I can’t imagine my life without you. I don’t want to.”
Ryan pressed his lips together, blinking rather hard. He sniffed, looked down, nodded, shuffled his feet. But he didn’t say anything still, and Shane continued.
“I believe I knew this already, to some extent, but Ryan, kissing you… It made me reconsider a lot of things, and I’m glad our girlfriends have more balls than us…”
Ryan wheezed, and Shane smiled at him.
“Because I’d never have the courage, I don’t think so. I’m too much of a coward when it comes to you. I really am. You know I have my fair share of fears, all of them pretty logical—"
"Sure."
"But this… This might be the biggest one. I don’t want to lose you, Ryan. I didn’t and I still don’t.”
“I don’t want to lose you either,” Ryan said in a low voice.
They looked at each other. Shane’s hands were sweating around the bottle, despite the cold evening. Everything felt so tenuous at that point, so fragile. Like if they took a wrong step they might feel something snap under their feet, and then it would be all over. He didn’t want to think about that, about what a terrible idea that could prove itself to be, but his mind went there anyway. It always did. And he felt his bravado cracking, his fear that he might be risking Ryan’s friendship, that he might be doing something stupid, growing inside of him until he dropped his face in his hands, laying the bottle and his glasses by his feet.
“Hey,” he heard Ryan call in a soft, beautiful voice, before he was there touching Shane’s arms. “Hey, big guy, it’s ok. It’s not gonna happen, we’re not gonna ruin this.”
“I don’t want to fuck this up,” Shane's voice cracked. He raised his head and let Ryan embrace him. He hid his face in the crook of Ryan’s neck, feeling all the more stupid when his eyes started to prickle with tears. “I really don’t.”
“You won’t, we can figure it out. Together, the two of us. Alright?”
Shane attempted to laugh at how cheesy and sweet Ryan sounded, but what came out was more like a sob than anything.
Ryan pulled back to look him in the eyes. He touched Shane’s face, “It’s gonna be alright.”
And finally, after what felt like the longest year of his life, Shane tasted Ryan's lips again. It was much slower this time. They took their time in letting it sink in first, before they were fully kissing, touching, breathing. It was just as he remembered, only better. So much better. After a couple of minutes Ryan stood up, trying not to break contact. One of his knees found purchase on the chair and he leaned in towards Shane, arms around his neck, as Shane pulled him closer by the waist.
They ended up sharing the armchair, Ryan pressed against him; Shane forgot he was ever cold one day. He didn't say anything because he didn't want to break the spell. He didn't want to wake up and discover this was all a dream, or a prank, or something other than the reality he had considered impossible for so long.
"You okay?" Ryan asked against his lips.
He nodded. He didn't trust his voice. He didn't trust the words that would come out of his mouth. They just gazed at each other for a moment, until Ryan was smiling, that special loving smile of his, that made everything a million times better. When he moved again, it was to shift over Shane, straddling his legs and kissing him, more urgently and noisy and messier and just enough to make Shane groan and pull him even closer.
"Tell me when you want to stop," Ryan breathed.
Shane never did.