Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Taeyeon’s not sure when it starts.

Maybe it’s when Tiffany was so hot and cold with her, but when Taeyeon sees her a few minutes later, she’s holding Jessica’s hand and talking with her in a low, intimate voice, Jessica’s eyes speckled with stars and fond amusement.

Maybe it’s when Taeyeon is just so tired and drained that she actually forgets her line during a performance, and Jessica covers for her after barely a moment’s pause, voice clear and sweet and flawless.

Maybe it’s when she’s browsing online and sees comments saying how Jessica nailed that part better than her, and how S.M. should really make her the first main vocalist instead, and how it was a crime they had a sub-unit without Jessica, and how—

She stops reading, her head spinning, but she can’t get the image of Jessica’s smiling face and the sound of her sweet voice and the memory of how close, how right she and Tiffany had looked, out of her mind.

She doesn’t have many things, but her position as SNSD’s main vocalist – and no one could debate that although they have five amazing vocalists, Taeyeon is the voice – and Tiffany’s best friend are two of the things that she treasures above everything else, the two things that she’s kept as a safety net and always thought that she would never lose.

It’s been so many years since their debut, so many years that she’s spent carving a solid place in this industry through sweat and tears, that she didn’t think things would change now.

But Jessica suddenly raises doubts in her. Jessica, with her gorgeous face and cool sarcasm and effortless magnetism. Jessica, who Tiffany clearly still adores even though she’s drifted apart from her and closer to Taeyeon.

(Taeyeon isn’t foolish enough to believe that she has a claim over Tiffany. Even though Tiffany owns her, more or less, it definitely doesn’t apply the other way around. But Tiffany spends the most time with her, smiles the brightest around her, and she knows that this is the most she’s ever going to get. She won’t let anyone take that away from her.)

The first time, Taeyeon’s not in a good mood, and Jessica says one of her rather awkward jokes, with just Taeyeon and Sunkyu there. Sunkyu rolls her eyes at Jessica and makes a jibe about her terrible sense of humour, and Taeyeon…just doesn’t react. She doesn’t laugh, and she doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t even glance at Jessica, who looks at her for a moment, and then appears to dismiss it.

The second time, they’re caught on camera. She doesn’t even remember what it was about anymore, just that it was a public event and she ignored Jessica, only half-purposefully. Jessica had faltered, looking distinctly hurt for about a second, before she seemed to remember that they were being filmed and turned back to Yoona with a plastic smile in place.

The third time, Jessica is laughing hard over something, and she leans into Taeyeon, who’s also laughing. She doesn’t even know why, she just automatically draws away, toward Tiffany and away from Jessica, who doesn’t have any reaction then. However, only after the cameras have been turned off does she give Taeyeon a long, hard look, and she opens her mouth like she’s going to say something. But then Tiffany asks Taeyeon a question, and when she finishes answering, Jessica is gone and only the faint scent of her perfume remains. Taeyeon can’t stand the smell for some reason, and she hurries out of there.

The fourth time, the fifth, the sixth…

Many times pass, and it’s become practically second nature for her to make sure that the seat next to her is always occupied, that she’s busy talking to a member or something when Jessica walks in so she wouldn’t approach her.

She doesn’t outright ignore Jessica anymore; that’s too callous and too obvious. But when Jessica talks to her, she gives curt replies; when Jessica makes a joke, she might give an absent-minded smile; when Jessica tells a story, she occupies herself with taking a drink or fiddling with her clothes.

Eventually, Jessica stops seeking her out for conversation. Stops with her jokes and anecdotes around her. Stops the hesitant smiles she used to throw in her direction.

Taeyeon should be happy that she won, except this doesn’t feel like a victory, and she doesn’t feel any accomplishment or pride, just a strange hollowness somewhere in the vicinity of her chest.

“I don’t get it,” Jessica finally says, breaking the silence between them in more than one sense. (Because although they’ve spoken to each other plenty of times in the past few months, they haven’t really talked in ages.) “Did I do something?”

Taeyeon plays dumb. “What do you mean?”

Jessica frowns at her. She looks more annoyed than hurt, which is good, because Taeyeon might have softened if she actually hurt Jessica, but annoyance is a different matter altogether.

“I’m tired of this, Taeyeon,” she says quietly. “Of this—cold war, or whatever you call it. You never look at me anymore. You never talk to me. If I try to start things – and believe me, I have tried – I feel like I’m just ramming my head against the wall. You can’t blame me for not wanting to do that.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The lie coming as easily as the truth on Taeyeon’s tongue, maybe even more easily. “So sometimes I’ve been in a bad mood. We’re talking right now, aren’t we? We’re looking at each other.”

“Do you hate me?” Jessica whispers, and Taeyeon sees the hurt in her eyes then, although Jessica looks away right after, like she can’t bear for her to see it.

“No,” Taeyeon blurts out, because out of the myriad of things she feels for Jessica, hatred is not one of them. “Of course I don’t hate you. Why would I ever hate you?”

“That’s what I want to know.” Jessica stares right into her eyes, and Taeyeon has to fight the urge to look away, because she doesn’t know what Jessica will find in her eyes, just like she doesn’t know what she’ll find in Jessica’s.

She’s afraid to find out.

“We weren’t always like this,” Jessica says quietly. “I mean, we were never the closest in the group, but…we were always better than this.”

“Better than what exactly?” Taeyeon asks coolly. “I don’t see anything wrong with how we are right now, and like you said, we were never that close, so I fail to see a difference between how things are now and how they always were.”

She expects Jessica to argue, to press further – she fears that she will, but she hopes so too – but Jessica just sighs, almost silently, her shoulders dropping, her eyes dark and weary. She doesn’t look hurt, or annoyed; she just looks tired. Resigned. Like she’s given her all already and received nothing in return and—really, what more could she do?

“Tiffany’s straight, you know,” Jessica says; casual, matter-of-fact. “She’ll never love you the way you want her to. The way you love her.”

Taeyeon is so stunned that she can’t even say anything; she just stares at Jessica, wide-eyed and open-mouthed.

“And I love Fany to death, but not in that way. So if you think I’m trying to steal her from you, then that’s so far-fetched it’s not even on the grid anymore.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Taeyeon repeats, although this time her voice is thick and it wouldn’t have fooled anyone, least of all Jessica, who is hardly given credit for how perceptive she really is. “Do you think this has something to do with Tiffany? Because it doesn’t.”

“So you admit there is a ‘this’ then,” Jessica presses. “You admit there’s something going on?”

“Maybe I just don’t see what everyone else sees in you,” Taeyeon says ruthlessly, because she would rather hurt than be hurt. “When we were trainees and I saw you falling asleep in the practice room while I had to work my butt off to learn the choreography – I didn’t like you then, Jessica, and I may have to be with you all the time now, but that doesn’t mean I have to like you.”

All the colour drains out of Jessica’s face. She looks at Taeyeon like she physically struck her, or plunged a blade into her, and it’s strange, because Taeyeon kind of feels like she’s been stabbed herself.

“I see.” Jessica’s voice is very calm. Her eyes empty of emotion and her face becomes like a mask: a beautiful, porcelain mask with no life and no feeling. “You’ve never liked me. I guess the friendship that I thought we had was just me deluding myself.” She takes a deep, ragged breath, shoulders hunching like she’s shrinking in on herself, before her spine straightens into a stiff, proud line. “Well, you don’t have to worry, because I’m not going to do that anymore. You don’t want to talk to me, you don’t want to look at me – fine, you won’t have to.”

“Jessica,” Taeyeon starts weakly.

“You’re my leader. I’ll listen to you, you don’t have to worry about that,” Jessica continues in that same blank, toneless voice, “but since you hate the sight of me so much, I’ll make sure to stay out of your field of vision.”

Taeyeon swallows. “Good,” she manages to get out somehow, because this should be what she wants, what she’s been trying so hard to achieve: pushing Jessica away.

Although now Jessica is the one walking away, which is a completely different feeling.

Jessica’s eyes flash, and Taeyeon sees the first glint of malice there, the want to lash out and wound. “You know what, Kim Taeyeon?” she starts softly. “Even if Tiffany did like girls, things would still be exactly as they are, because she would never love someone like you.”

And Jessica waits for Taeyeon to flinch and pale before she spins sharply on her heel and storms away.

Taeyeon tries to tell herself that she doesn’t see the moisture glistening in Jessica’s eyes right before she marches away, the line of her shoulders sharp enough to cut but not to mask the slight tremble in her delicate frame.

She also tries to tell herself that she doesn’t feel hurt at all, but she doesn’t do a very good job at that either.

Chapter Text

“TaeTae,” Tiffany says with concern. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Taeyeon lies. She’s good at that, lying, just not so much to herself. “Perfectly fine.”

“Good then, because I need to talk to you about something.” And all traces of softness are suddenly wiped away from Tiffany’s face. “What did you say to Jessica?”

Taeyeon stares at her. Had Jessica gone running to her to tell her how awful Taeyeon had been? It’s not that Taeyeon doesn’t deserve that, but she hadn’t thought for one second that Jessica would do that.

“She didn’t tell me anything,” Tiffany says, like she can read Taeyeon’s mind. She probably can; she’s Tiffany. “She wouldn’t even give me a chance to ask her what’s wrong; she just ran out. But she was crying. Crying. I can’t remember the last time I saw Jessi cry.”

Tiffany looks at Taeyeon like she doesn’t know who she is anymore, and when she speaks, her voice is low and tightly controlled, but Taeyeon can hear the disappointment in it.

“What did you do, Taeyeon?”

Taeyeon feels a hot wave of shame wash over her. She can’t stand the way Tiffany’s looking at her, like she’s turned into some kind of stranger, a stranger who hurts people, and so she looks away.

“I said some things.”

Tiffany’s voice is sharp, sharper than Taeyeon’s ever heard it. “What things?”

“I don’t feel like repeating them.”

Or more accurately, she can’t bear to. What she said was so awful that the memory of the words in her mouth makes her feel revolted at herself. There’s no way she can repeat them. Especially not to Tiffany, who’s so beautiful even in fury, who she still aches for even now.

“You don’t need to repeat them, but whatever you said, it hurt Jessica so badly that she cried. You made her cry. People have said and done some awful things to her, but I can count on one hand the people who’ve made her cry.”

“I didn’t mean them,” Taeyeon croaks. “I didn’t mean what I said.”

“But you meant to hurt her.”

It’s not a question, but she answers with a shameful nod anyway.

“I’m so disappointed in you.” Tiffany’s voice is actually shaking. “I didn’t know you had this in you. Jessi’s been trying so hard to just get you to look at her properly, to laugh with her, and this is what you do.”

She says nothing, just lowers her eyes as every one of Tiffany’s words hits her like a stake driven through her. In a corner of her mind, she wonders if this is just a shadow of what Jessica felt.

“How could you do that? Did you – do you even plan on apologizing?”

“She’s never going to forgive me now,” Taeyeon says hollowly. “If I were her, I wouldn’t forgive me either.”

“So you’re not even going to try?” Tiffany’s voice rises, reaching a volume that hurts Taeyeon’s ears, but then again, the cutting edge in it brings enough pain by itself. “Jessica’s been trying for so long, and if her effort doesn’t mean anything to you, then what about her love?”

“What?”

“She loves you, Taeyeon,” Tiffany says slowly, like she’s talking to a child. “You don’t need me to tell you that, do you?”

“Jessica doesn’t love me. She said herself that we’re not even that close.”

Tiffany looks so frustrated that Taeyeon wouldn’t be surprised if she hit her. She wouldn’t be undeserving either.

“You’re not close because you won’t let her in! You won’t let anyone in, except me sometimes because I’ve tried so hard to break down your walls. You can’t expect everyone to make that effort, not if they don’t get anything in return.”

“I never asked any of you to make any effort.”

“Of course we did!” Tiffany exclaims, with such incredulity that she has to take a breath afterwards before continuing. “Of course we made an effort, and we still do, because we love you. And I know you love us, and you need us, even though you try to act like you don’t, you try to tell yourself you don’t. Well guess what? I need you, and I’ve never been ashamed to admit it, and I never will be. It’s not a weakness to need people.”

“I need you,” Taeyeon says, voice half-wrecked with desperation and sincerity. “I need you, Tiffany.”

Tiffany takes another deep breath. Her face calms somewhat, but it doesn’t soften. “I’m not the only one you need. You need all of us. Jessica too.”

Taeyeon knows that Tiffany’s right. Tiffany’s annoyingly good at being right, while the only things that Taeyeon’s good at are singing and hurting people.

“She doesn’t need me.”

“Maybe she doesn’t, but she wants you, and sometimes wanting means more than needing.”

“You make it sound like Jessica’s in love with me,” she jokes weakly.

“Loving someone can mean just as much as being in love with them,” Tiffany say, with a sort of soft solemnity that makes Taeyeon sure she knows. “It’s not just the romantic loves that matter in the world.”

“I know,” Taeyeon says thickly, and then looks away, because Tiffany’s too beautiful to look at head-on. Sometimes she feels like she’s looking into the sun, like she’ll be blinded if she doesn’t draw her eyes away, but she can’t do it. “But it’s romantic love that people spend their whole lives looking for.”

“That’s because you don’t have to look for other types of love so hard. Often they come find you. We found each other, didn’t we? All of us.”

“We were kind of shoved at each other,” Taeyeon says wryly.

“You’re ruining the moment,” Tiffany tells her, and she pretends to zip her lips shut. “Fine, we were…pushed together, but even though they could make us be together, they couldn’t make us love each other.”

Taeyeon winces, because Tiffany’s words are so similar to what she said to Jessica, only Tiffany is sweet and sincere and Taeyeon is…herself.

“And we did anyway.” Tiffany beams. “We love each other, and we’re not going to let each other go so easily. Okay?” She gives Taeyeon a meaningful look.

“You ask a lot from me, Fany.”

“Only because I know you’re capable of giving it.”

“You think highly of me too.”

“You think too lowly of yourself, and you think too highly of us.” Tiffany’s eyes soften. “It’s not easy to be the person those we love see us as, is it?”

“No,” Taeyeon murmurs. “It isn’t.”

“Kim Taeyeon, I need to have a word with you,” Yuri says as soon as she sees her, and the look in her eyes makes Taeyeon actually feel a tingle of fear, although this is Yuri and she’s never been the least bit frightening.

Until now, that is.

“Can this…” She gestures weakly to the kitchen. “I finally had a break, and I could really use a drink of water.”

“Well I could really use one of Sica’s smiles, but I don’t think I’m going to see one anytime soon. You wouldn’t happen to know why, would you?”

Taeyeon swallows. “So this is about Jessica,” she says, even though she knew it had to be as soon as she saw Yuri’s face.

Of course she would be grilled by Jessica’s two best friends in the span of one day. Something about Jessica inspires both incredible loyalty and incredible protectiveness.

“Who else would it be about?” Yuri asks, crossing her arms over her chest. “Look, if you think that we didn’t notice how you’ve been ignoring each other for the past couple of months, then you must think we’re really stupid.”

“I don’t think you’re stupid. And we weren’t ignoring each other,” she adds as an afterthought.

“Fine. You were ignoring Jessica, and after trying to get through to you, she couldn’t succeed and she didn’t try anymore. Are you going to deny that?”

“No, I’m not,” Taeyeon sighs. “There’s no point in denying the truth.”

Yuri looks a little startled at that. “You hurt her really badly. You’re not going to deny that either, are you?”

Taeyeon shakes her head minutely. There’s no point denying the truth, especially a truth that’s been weighing her down, getting heavier and heavier by the minute.

“Are you sorry?”

“Yes,” she says hoarsely, honestly.

Yuri seems to falter, like it’s just been her indignant anger carrying her so far, and she doesn’t know what to do now that it’s leaving her.

“Are you going to apologize?”

A moment’s pause there. “Yes.”

“But you don’t think she’ll accept your apology.”

“Why would she? Why should she?”

“Jessica is a good person. She wouldn’t hold a grudge for no reason.” The look Yuri gives Taeyeon questions whether the same can be said about her.

“I was jealous of her,” Taeyeon admits, “for many things.”

“Well, that’s understandable,” Yuri says, surprising her. “I’m jealous of her too. She’s so pretty, and she sings like an angel, and she has no charisma whatsoever but she’s so charming. Not to mention she’s totally blessed in the chest department.”

That gets a half snort of a laugh from Taeyeon.

“I think it’s perfectly understandable to be jealous of Jessica, but it’s not okay to let jealousy turn into bitterness and resentment and channel that out through hurting her.”

Taeyeon’s head bows under the combined weight of Yuri’s truthful accusations and her own guilt.

Yuri sighs. “I didn’t corner you to yell at you, Taengoo. Well, okay, maybe I did a little, but I just wanted to make sure that—I just want things to be okay between you guys again. I know I’m completely taking Jessica’s side in this, and that’s not very fair, but I don’t know your side. If you want to tell me, then go ahead.”

Taeyeon feels like there’s a knot in her throat. “There’s nothing to say.”

Yuri sighs again, but she doesn’t sound frustrated, not really. “You’re a good person too, Taengoo. You’re a good leader and a good friend. You’re just—I don’t understand you, because I know you care about this group just as much as the rest of us, probably even more than we do, and I know you care about us, but you’re just so closed off all the time. Why?”

Yuri’s eyes are big and dark, and she looks tired the way Jessica did, and earnest the way Tiffany did, and it hurts Taeyeon to know that she’s hurting them, the girls she loves.

She wants to tell them that they look at her all the time for guidance, for answers, for things that she desperately wants to give them but doesn’t have, and it’s exhausting and terrifying to be looked at like that. She wants to tell them that she loves them more than anything, anything, in the world, and they’re all she has, really, and the thought of losing them sometimes wakes her up in the middle of night, cold from sweat and terror.

She wants to tell them that she’s not the person they think she is. She’s not Taengoo, kid leader, dorky umma, she’s just Taeyeon, and she’s selfish and afraid and weak and many, many ugly things that she wants to hide from them and hide them from.

She wants to tell them so many things that there’s no way she could possibly start, but maybe she’s already ended before she even began, with what happened with Jessica.

“I’m afraid,” Taeyeon confesses softly, with Yuri looking at her with the infinite patience and concern that only love could give. “I’m so afraid, Yul.”

Yuri doesn’t ask of what even though she doesn’t look like she completely understands. Instead, she pulls Taeyeon into her arms and strokes her hair as she weeps like a child on Yuri’s shoulder.

“Better?” Yuri asks afterward, gentle.

Taeyeon nods mutely, wiping at her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she croaks.

“Don’t be. Everyone just needs a good cry sometimes.”

She sniffs. “I shouldn’t be crying. I should be here for you guys to cry on. I’m the leader, I—”

“You’re just human, Taengoo,” Yuri murmurs. “You don’t have to be, and you can’t be, strong all the time. We all know you’re here for us, but you need to know that we’re here for you too.”

“I know,” Taeyeon says, and her voice breaks off because she feels like there are tears in her throat, and she didn’t know that you could have tears there, but they’re burning her with heat and salt. “I know that.”

“Good,” Yuri says, still gentle, putting her arm around Taeyeon.

This time Taeyeon doesn’t cry, but she swallows harshly a few times and dabs at her still wet eyes. Yuri doesn’t say anything, just holds her, and she thinks that Tiffany was right – this kind of love is amazing too.

Chapter Text

“Jessica,” Taeyeon says hesitantly at dance practice the next day. She expects Jessica to ignore her, or glare at her, or maybe say something scathing, but Jessica meets her eyes evenly and replies, “Taeyeon”, cool and polite.

“How…are you doing?”

She shrugs. “I’m fine. And you?”

“I’m sorry.”

Jessica doesn’t even bat an eye. “For what?”

“For what I said earlier. For ignoring you for so long. For being petty and jealous and awful.” Taeyeon takes a deep breath, knowing that just verbally apologizing can’t come close to making up for what she said, but she has to tell Jessica at the very least. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. Some people just aren’t compatible, just don’t get along. You don’t have to apologize for that.”

Jessica’s eyes are like mirrors; Taeyeon can see herself in them, exactly as she is, flaws not concealed or magnified, but she can’t see into Jessica at all.

“And as for being jealous—well, I’m flattered, but I don’t think you have anything to be jealous of. Anything I have, you have twofold.” Jessica isn’t bitter or derisive about it; in fact, she’s very calm and matter-of-fact, and it just makes Taeyeon feel worse than ever.

“Okay, come on,” Jaewon calls. “Let’s start for the day.”

“You heard oppa, Taeyeon,” Jessica says. “We’d better get ready.”

Taeyeon nods, feeling numb, and Jessica doesn’t spare her another glance as she gets into position, rolling her shoulders back and stretching her neck.

“Taeyeon?” Jaewon asks. “Is something wrong?”

Everyone looks at her. Tiffany’s forehead furrows, Sunkyu widens her eyes, Yuri looks grave. Jessica glances at her for a second and then looks away like there’s nothing interesting to hold her attention.

“N-no.” Taeyeon clears her throat. “I mean, there’s nothing wrong, oppa. I just spaced out for a bit. Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” he says affably. “Just don’t do it again. I know you girls have long days, but this is very important, okay?”

“I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

“I’ve never had a reason to doubt you, Taeyeon.”

He smiles, and she tries to smile back, but she thinks she fails pretty miserably. Here is another person who has a misconception of her, who puts faith into her that she doesn’t deserve.

She doesn’t understand why they think that she’ll never let them down when she’s already done it so many times.

“Okay, I’m going to divide you into groups of three to better perfect your technique. Hyoyeon, help Tiffany and Sunkyu; they missed a practice last time and need to catch up fast. Yoona, Sooyoung, Juhyun, you three have pretty much got it down. I’ll help you with some little things. Yuri, Taeyeon and Jessica keep struggling with the last part. Do your best to help them.”

Of course, Taeyeon thinks. Of course she would be paired with Jessica.

“Stop shaking your hips so exaggeratedly at the end,” Jessica whispers to Yuri. “You’re going to pop something like that.”

“Oh please, I’m not old like you.”

“We’re the same age.”

“Not at heart.” Yuri winks, and then she takes Jessica’s wrist and starts pulling her to the corner of the room. “You coming, Taengoo?”

“Yeah.” Taeyeon swallows, watching the easy interaction between Jessica and Yuri, who are bickering like children but with affection clear in their interaction. “I’ll be right there.”

“Now…” Yuri looks sternly between the two main vocalists. “You two are going to behave, right? Don’t make me give you a time-out.”

“Why wouldn’t we behave?” Jessica asks coolly. “There’s nothing going on between me and Taeyeon. Nothing at all.”

Taeyeon doesn’t need to be great at picking up cues to read the double entendre there. Indeed, there isn’t anything going on between them anymore. Nothing except a professional relationship as co-workers and colleagues. Not friends.

“Didn’t you apologize?” Yuri asks her.

“She apologized, but I’m not sure for what,” Jessica says. “She didn’t do anything except tell me her true feelings about me, and that’s not a crime.”

“Those weren’t her true feelings,” Yuri starts, but Jessica cuts her off with a look.

“I always have trouble with the spin for some reason. Can you help me with that?”

“Jessica,” Yuri tries again, with a note of desperation this time.

“What is it?”

“Can you hear Taeyeon out? Just hear her out?”

“I already did.” Jessica turns to Taeyeon, her eyes cool and dark and unreadable. “You already told me what you had to say, both times, and I listened to you, both times. What else do you want?”

For you to forgive me, Taeyeon thinks, but she knows that it’s more of a wish than a want, and wishes don’t come true so easily.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry.”

“Tell me something, Taeyeon, and be honest.”

Taeyeon nods. She has no intentions of lying to Jessica again.

“Tell me you didn’t mean to hurt me. Tell me that wasn’t your intention at all, and I’ll see if I can forgive you.”

She could tell Jessica that, she could lie – she’s good at that, after all. She could make Jessica believe her, and Jessica would forgive her, because Jessica doesn’t forget but she forgives.

And she’s tempted to do that, she really is. But she promised Jessica she wouldn’t lie, and she isn’t going to go back on her word now.

“I can’t tell you that,” Taeyeon says softly, and she sees something shutter in Jessica’s eyes, close off probably permanently.

Jessica nods. “Then that’s all there is to it.”

Taeyeon can press further, but she thinks that Jessica’s eyes are a little brighter than usual. It’s not due to the lighting, and it’s certainly not due to happiness, and that (wet) shimmer in her eyes makes Taeyeon keep her mouth closed.

She’s done enough damage.

“Come on, girls.” Jaewon clucks his tongue. “Are you practicing or doing a Gossip Girl rendition?”

“I’m sorry, oppa,” Jessica says quietly. “We got…sidetracked. It won’t happen again.”

There’s a note of finality in her voice that tells Taeyeon a conversation like this wouldn’t happen again. Maybe a conversation between them – any conversation that consists of more than perfunctory questions and clipped replies – wouldn’t happen again.

This is the end, Taeyeon realizes. This is the end, and they haven’t even had a real beginning.

Something in Jessica’s face seems to tell Jaewon not to ask any more questions, because he turns to Yuri and tells her specifically which parts in the dance need the most work. Yuri listens attentively, although her eyes flicker to Jessica and Taeyeon once in a while.

Taeyeon tries to lose herself in dancing, in the familiar burn of her muscles and the sweat drenching her clothes, but it doesn’t help much. She can’t immerse herself fully in it, and she can tell how Jaewon looks at her with disappointment.

She should just get used to that look, because it’s what people should be looking at her with anyway. She’s just a disappointment at the end of the day.

It’s about time everyone sees it, but it still hurts her, because she wants to be better for them. She wants to be who they think she is, even though that person is slipping further and further away from her by the second.

Chapter Text

Taeyeon knows the other members (besides Tiffany, whose gazes have gone from disappointed to pitying, which is almost worse, and Yuri, who is attached to Jessica by the hip these days and doesn’t say much to Taeyeon, as if Jessica’s silence has spread to her) know something’s going on, and they express their concern in their own ways.

Juhyun leaves her cups of herbal tea on her nightstand, and fills in the to-do lists that she has pinned to the bulletin board behind her desk, and asks her quietly if she wants to talk and accepts it without questions when Taeyeon tells her not now, maybe later, thank you.

Yoona uses that ridiculous choding voice of hers, all unnie and you have to smile, leaning in with twinkling eyes and a smile crooked with mischief, until Taeyeon is caught between laughing and trying to cover her ears at the same time, forgetting her worries for a brief and glorious moment.

Sooyoung insists on taking Taeyeon jogging with her, and Taeyeon spends most of it complaining about how Sooyoung’s mile-long legs gives her an unfair advantage and how half the joggers behind them are probably stalker fans. In retaliation Sooyoung dumps half a bottle of water over her head and then slows to a brisk walk, clutching her stomach and wheezing about how she looks like a drowned chicken.

Hyoyeon asks her advice about what to buy as she’s shopping online, clicking and scrolling away, and some of her choices are so ridiculous that Taeyeon just spends half a minute staring at the screen, not processing what she’s seeing. Then Hyoyeon insists on buying her some slinky silk thing that she calls “lingerie”, and the shopping all goes to hell (in the best of ways) from there.

Sunkyu makes her watch reruns of old dramas with her until her eyes glaze over, shoves candy and cookies and other (delicious) junk food in her hands, claiming that it would be a waste not to eat what she’s worked so hard to hide from Juhyun, gives her a back rub that makes her feel like she’s being beaten up but then leaves her loose-limbed and refreshed, and is pretty much the best friend Taeyeon could ask for, just like usual.

She can tell how worried they are about her, and how they want her to feel better, to be happy, and she wishes that she could be, if not for herself then for them. She doesn’t want them to hurt for or because of her; she wants them to smile and laugh and tease each other and goof off and play games and dance around, because they’re SoShi and this is the way they are.

She wants to go back to the past, time machine or magic or whatever, to when they were really girls instead of the word being put on them like a label and a brand, when they smiled just because they were happy and sang just because they wanted to.

(When Jessica ran straight into her arms after destroying all their eardrums in Horror Movie Factory, when Jessica held her gaze like there was nothing better to look at as she sang Want and Resent, their voices twining together effortlessly and flawlessly, when Jessica didn’t become the epitome of her nickname around her, cold and unapproachable.)

Taeyeon knows that it’s no one’s fault but her own, and she wants to fix it, but Jessica won’t talk to her, won’t even look at her, and she feels so helpless and desperate she doesn’t know what to do.

Jessica has been—well, not exactly actively avoiding her, but not coming close to her if she could help it. Every time Taeyeon’s tried to approach her, Jessica would either be busy or just conveniently ‘disappear’ when she has her head turned.

Jessica’s so subtle and nonchalant about the whole thing that it’s almost like nothing’s going on. (But then again, Taeyeon thinks, that’s exactly what’s happening, what they have between them now – nothing.)

Their roles have been reversed, with Taeyeon being the pursuer rather than the pursued, and she realizes now just how much it hurts.

“Oppa, where’s Jessica?” Taeyeon asks Jooyoung, worn down and exhausted from a gruelling day of vocal and dance practice, as well as Japanese lessons and a discussion about an upcoming CF. She’s been looking for Jessica for the past half an hour with no success.

“Jessica? She went home for the weekend.”

She stares at Jooyoung, unable to form any words, his reply cycling through her head: went home for the weekend. Went home. Left.

“Taeyeon, are you alright?” he asks with concern. “You haven’t been looking very great.”

“I knew I shouldn’t have been skipping my nightly beauty routine,” she jokes weakly. “BB cream really makes a difference, doesn’t it?”

“You know I’m not talking about make-up,” Jooyoung sighs. “I know I’m your manager and there are things you can’t talk to me about, but I’m also your friend and I’m worried about you. You know I care about all of you.”

Taeyeon nods mutely. She knows that, of course she knows that. She trusts Jooyoung, and she thinks of him as a friend, but she can’t talk to him about this. She can’t.

“I’ve been having some problems.” She hesitates. “Personal problems.”

He doesn’t look surprised at the news. “Within the group?”

“Sort of,” she hedges.

Her conflict with Jessica is definitely within the group, but it’s not just about the group, so she can’t exactly just say ‘yes’ or ‘no’.

“I promise I won’t let it affect my performances. No one outside will be able to tell.”

“It’s not about that,” Jooyoung says gently. “I’m worried about you, Kim Taeyeon, not Girls’ Generation’s leader Taeyeon.”

“You make it sound like they’re two different people.”

“Aren’t they?”

Again, that’s not really a yes or no question. They’re idols, which also means that they’re actresses, and no matter how genuine they are in variety shows and interviews and such, there will always be that line between their professional and personal identities, between who they’re expected to be and who they really are, and it’s a line that is so thin they don’t even know if they’ve crossed it sometimes.

“Girls’ Generation’s leader Taeyeon is fine,” she says tonelessly. “She can still sing and dance and say the introductions and the conclusions. That’s what matters, isn’t it?”

“What matters is that you’re not fine. All the girls know it. How do you think it makes them feel to see you like this?”

Taeyeon turns her face away. She can’t bear to meet the concern in his eyes: warm, paternal concern for the Kim Taeyeon who he thinks he knows, who he thinks deserves it.

“I’m trying,” she whispers, which is true, the only worthwhile truth she can offer. “I’m trying to be better.”

Jooyoung sighs. “It’s not about being better, Taeyeon. This is—you have such a perfectionist streak that sometimes I wonder if you’re even aware of it.”

“I’m aware of it.”

It’s not like it’s a bad thing, to strive for the summit, to push herself to the limit to be the best she can be. She can’t be the best, so she has to at least be her best.

“The girls don’t need you to be perfect, Taeyeon,” Jooyoung says gently. “I don’t need you to be, nor do the fans. They just need you to be Taeyeon. And you’re not being her right now.”

“Then who am I being?”

“I can’t tell you the answer to that question. I’m not sure if anyone can. But what’s just as important as knowing who you are is knowing who you want to be, and how to get there.” He gives her a searching look. “Do you know that?”

“I—” She wets her lips. “I think so. Who do you want me to be, oppa?”

Jooyoung’s eyes are soft but tired at the same time. He doesn’t have an easy job, not at all, and she knows that she’s not making it any easier for him being this way. Here is another person she’s hurting.

“I want you to be happy,” he tells her. “Just like the fans and the rest of the girls. But I also want you to be happy because you want to be, not because we want you to be.”

He smiles and pats Taeyeon on the shoulder.

“It’s easier to be sad than it is to be happy, Taeyeon, and it’s easier to be afraid than to be brave. But I know you, and you’ve never taken the easy way out.”

And with that final word of advice, Jooyoung quietly walks out, leaving Taeyeon alone with thoughts like stars, distant and scattered and unable to be fathomed into constellations.

“Are you okay?” Yuri asks when she finds Taeyeon sitting on the couch, mindlessly staring into the distance. “Taengoo?”

“What?” Taeyeon blinks and rubs a hand across her eyes. “Oh, hi Yul.”

“Hi.”

She yawns. “I think I was half-asleep, sorry.”

“Since when do you sleep with your eyes open?”

“I don’t know. It’s better than hosting radio shows in my sleep at least.”

Yuri laughs and takes a seat beside her. “It’s an off day, you know. You can take a proper nap. Why don’t you sleep on your bed?”

“I’m fine right here.” She hasn’t been sleeping very well lately; a couch or bed, eyes open or closed, won’t make a difference.

Yuri frowns. “I’m guessing you haven’t had any luck with Jessica.”

“You would know. You’ve been with her 24/7 these days.”

“She needs me,” Yuri says simply. “She didn’t say so, but I know it. This hasn’t been easy on her either, you know.”

“I know.”

It’s not like Taeyeon thinks she’s the victim. She’s only getting what she deserves from Jessica.

“Being with Jessica all the time means that I haven’t been able to check up on you like how I wanted to.” Yuri, always the affectionate type, puts an arm around her. “I’m sorry about that.”

“It’s alright. Jessica…she’s coming back tonight, right?”

“Well, she can’t stay home forever.”

Taeyeon looks down at a small hole in one of the cushions. She thinks that they should really fix it before it gets bigger and the stuffing starts coming out and then it can’t be put back together properly again.

“I’ve been trying, Yul. I really have.”

“I know.” Yuri’s voice is gentle. “I know you’ve been trying very hard to get her to talk to you. And I know she’s been trying just as hard not to let you.”

“What?”

“Jessica doesn’t—it’s not like she likes doing this to you. She doesn’t want to hurt you. She just doesn’t want to get hurt anymore.”

“I wouldn’t—I’ve hurt her so much already, I.” Taeyeon bites her lip, not realizing how hard she’s doing it until she tastes blood. “I wouldn’t hurt her anymore. Again.”

“I know that, but can you really blame her for being afraid?”

It’s easier to be sad than it is to be happy, Taeyeon, and it’s easier to be afraid than to be brave.

“No, I can’t blame her.” Taeyeon swipes her tongue over her mouth, the wound on her lip stinging as she brushes it. Regret tastes a lot like blood, she thinks; bitter and metallic, heavy and dark in the back of your throat as you swallow it down. “I’m afraid too.”

“You said that last time too,” Yuri notes. “Are you—is this fear just about Sica, or is it something more?”

“I’m afraid of a lot of things. I’m a coward.”

“You’re not a coward, TaeTae.”

The husky voice of her best friend surprises her, but at the same time it doesn’t, because Tiffany’s voice is one of the most familiar sounds to her in the world.

“I was wondering when you’d get here,” Yuri says.

“Oh?” Tiffany’s eyes disappear into crescents in that way of hers as she smiles. “And why did you think I’d come?”

“Taengoo looked like she was sending out emotional distress signals, and I figured you two are on the same wavelength.”

“I’m not emotionally distressed,” Taeyeon complains, while Tiffany laughs, “I guess if anyone’s on the same wavelength as this dork, it would be me.”

Tiffany settles down on the other side of Taeyeon; a warm, familiar weight against her. Taeyeon wants to lean against her, but she makes herself stay still.

“You’re not a coward,” Tiffany repeats, soft but firm. “Being brave isn’t about not having fears – it’s about being able to conquer them.”

Taeyeon nods helplessly, lulled into a sense of security by Tiffany’s soothing voice, her gentle eyes, and she knows it’s just a false sense of security but she can’t help falling into it anyway.

“I miss Jessica,” Taeyeon confesses, voice quiet and hoarse.

Yuri and Tiffany exchange a look.

“She’ll be back soon,” Yuri says gently.

Jessica would be back soon, but the Jessica and Taeyeon from years ago were gone, and Taeyeon wonders if they’ll ever come back.

“Yah, Jessica Jung, did you get that face mask I asked you for?” Sunkyu calls loudly from the couch.

“What am I, your personal shopping assistant?”

Jessica drags her two large bags in, hip-checking the door to close it. She looks better, Taeyeon thinks, not as worryingly pale as before, as though the weekend at home has put some colour and life back into her.

“Is that an offer?” Sunkyu asks.

Jessica rolls her eyes. “Yes, I got that face mask for you. I knew if I didn’t, you’d probably take my ear off with your whining.”

Sunkyu whoops. “You’re the best, Sica! I would go over there and hug you, but my toenail polish is drying right now.”

“Why would I want a hug from you anyway?”

“How about a hug from me?” Yuri grins, opening her arms.

“Yuck, get away from me,” Jessica gripes, but she makes no move to push Yuri away when she pulls her into a hug, and then she laughs and tucks her face against Yuri’s shoulder.

Taeyeon swallows, watching them. She can’t even remember the last time she was in Yuri’s place, the last time she held Jessica.

“Welcome back, Jessi,” Tiffany murmurs, joining the embrace.

Jessica smiles and puts an arm around her, and she shifts to look at them, all of them. Her eyes seem to linger on Taeyeon for an extra moment, but Taeyeon can’t be sure – maybe she’s just deluding herself.

“It’s good to be home.”

Yuri grabs one of Jessica’s bags for her, with Sunkyu teasing her that she’s such a good husband, and they walk to Jessica’s room together, deep in conversation already.

Taeyeon knows she’s staring after them pathetically, but she can’t help it. She’s frozen in place with the want to talk to Jessica, to hug and be hugged by her, and the resignation that Jessica would just push her away and it would be all she deserves.

“TaeTae,” Tiffany starts, and Taeyeon can hear the pity in her voice already, can almost see it in her eyes even though she’s not looking at Tiffany.

“I’m tired,” Taeyeon says, and she’s not lying. “I’m going to go to bed.”

She trudges off to her room, feeling the weight of both Tiffany’s and Sunkyu’s concerned gazes on her, and she knows she’s in for another sleepless night.

Chapter Text

At some point around two in the morning, Taeyeon’s sick of lying in her bed staring at the ceiling, and she decides to get herself something to drink. She knows it won’t help, but it has to beat aimlessly staring into the darkness. She trudges out of bed, almost tripping over her own slippers and then banging her shin against a wayward box, and by the time she reaches the kitchen she’s close to swearing.

The last thing she expects to see is Jessica sitting at the kitchen table, a mug cupped in her hands and an exhausted look on her face.

“Je-Jessica?”

Jessica doesn’t look at her or react in the slightest, and Taeyeon wonders if she’s started to sleep with her eyes open too, but then she stands up and walks to the counter, setting her cup down with a quiet clink. She doesn’t spare Taeyeon a glance.

“It’s kind of late,” Taeyeon says awkwardly. “Why aren’t you asleep?”

“Why aren’t you?” Jessica returns, her back still to Taeyeon. Her voice is apathetic, like she doesn’t care about the answer at all.

“I couldn’t sleep, so I was going to get some milk or something,” Taeyeon explains, which is completely true, but somehow it tastes like a lie on her tongue.

Jessica doesn’t say anything, looking as beautiful and remote as a statue just standing by the sink, and Taeyeon finds herself biting down on her lip again, harsh and involuntary, reopening the wound there.

“Have fun with that,” Jessica finally says, and then she turns and brushes past Taeyeon, face blank and almost white in the dim light, hair like swathes of shadows.

“Jessica.” Taeyeon’s voice is so small she barely hears it herself, but Jessica stills just as she’s almost out of sight. “Did you – have a good weekend?”

Jessica’s silent for so long that Taeyeon’s convinced she’s not going to get an answer, and her already heavy heart sinks even further, landing somewhere in the vicinity of her stomach.

“I did,” she replies, finally. “It’s nice to be somewhere where I’m wanted.”

“Jessica—”

“Good night, Taeyeon,” Jessica says, no inflection in her voice except for a note of finality, just like at dance practice earlier. Taeyeon wonders if you can break something that’s already broken. “I’m tired, and I’m sure you are too.”

“I miss you.” Taeyeon feels afraid and emboldened at the same time, and she can’t help the words that are spilling past her lips, or maybe she can control them and she just doesn’t want to. “This whole weekend – I’ve missed you. I’m so glad you’re back.”

Jessica’s whole body tenses. Taeyeon can literally see the sharp jut of her shoulder blades, and it makes her want to tell Jessica that she’s too thin and she should eat more and she looks so fragile sometimes Taeyeon worries a sharp gust of wind (or words) will knock her over.

“I’m not sure if I am,” Jessica says, so quietly Taeyeon almost think she imagined it.

“You said—” Taeyeon swallows. “You said that it’s good to be home.”

“It is good, but it’s not easy.” Jessica shakes her head, pressing a hand to her temple. “I’m tired, and I’m talking nonsense. Just ignore me. You have tons of practice with that.”

“I’m sor—”

“I already told you that you don’t have to be. If it’s guilt keeping you up, then—stop feeling guilty. If you…missed me, well I’m here now, so you can stop.” Jessica’s voice has been rising in volume, but suddenly it drops to an almost inaudible whisper. “Just stop it, okay?”

Taeyeon’s not sure what exactly Jessica’s telling her (pleading, almost) to stop doing, but she can hear the weariness in Jessica’s voice, the helplessness, and there is little that she wouldn’t give up to take those things away.

“I just want—” she starts, not sure how to finish that sentence.

I want to fix things between us. (Except she’s not sure if their relationship is still salvageable.) I want things to go back to the way they were before. (But how far does before stretch?)

“Do you even know what you want?” Jessica doesn’t wait for Taeyeon to reply (not that she has a reply). She turns around, slowly and wearily, as if the movement takes energy she doesn’t have. Her eyes are dark and huge in her pallid face, as unforgivingly consuming as black holes. “Do you care the slightest bit about what I want?”

“Of course I care!”

“I had a good time this weekend,” Jessica says slowly, “because I was away from you. I’m not saying you’re repulsive, because it’s not that. But—you’re tiring. This is tiring. And I’m tired, Taeyeon. I’m really tired, and I wish you would just let me have a break, but I think you’ve made it clear many times that you really don’t care about what I want.”

Taeyeon can feel a whole knot of words in her throat, all tangled up beyond coherence, and she desperately wants to unravel them and tell Jessica them, all of them, and maybe that would alleviate some of the heartrending exhaustion on her face.

“I care,” she whispers, managing to push those words past her throat, at least. “I care about what you want.”

Something flickers in Jessica’s eyes, like the trail of ashes a meteorite leaves after it’s closer to burning debris than a shooting star.

“Then leave me alone.” Jessica pauses, cheek hollowing like she’s biting down on the inside of her mouth. “That’s what I want.”

Taeyeon is willing to give Jessica many things, but she can’t promise her that. She can’t. She opens her mouth to tell Jessica that, but suddenly the front door is pushed open and the lights in the living room are switched on, almost blinding her.

“Unnie?” Yoona sounds half-asleep, but surprise is clear in her voice. “What are you doing up? It’s past two-thirty.”

“Yoong,” Jessica says, also with surprise but then with concern, “I can’t believe how late filming is ending these days. This is ridiculous. You should complain to the director.”

“I’m okay, really. We all have sacrifices we need to make, you know.”

“…Yeah, I know.”

Yoona catches sight of Taeyeon then, and her eyes widen, darting between Taeyeon and Jessica with a look of sudden realization.

“Unnie, you shouldn’t be up,” she says to both of them. “It’s way too late.”

“Yeah,” Jessica agrees, eyes flickering to Taeyeon. “It is late, Taeyeon. Too late. I think you should get some rest.”

“You too, Sica unnie,” Yoona says, a dent between her eyebrows.

“Yeah, I could use a good night’s sleep.” Jessica gives a tired smile. “Soojung said that I should put on some more make-up. Apparently I don’t look so good these days.”

“You’re always pretty,” Yoona says sincerely.

“Yeah, sure. I think you’re confusing me with you, Yoong.”

“Unnie—”

“I’m off to bed. Make sure you are too soon, okay?”

“Yeah, I’ll go right after I shower.” Yoona looks from Taeyeon to Jessica rather anxiously. “Is everything okay?” she asks hesitantly. “I’m sorry I interrupted. I didn’t know—”

“You weren’t interrupting anything, Yoong,” Jessica says. “The two of us couldn’t sleep and bumped into each other in the kitchen. We talked and we said everything that needed to be said.” She looks directly at Taeyeon. “I told you what I want, Taeyeon, and you should think about what you want too.”

Then Jessica’s walking away and Taeyeon’s left staring after her, a situation that is becoming more and more familiar to her.

“Unnie,” Yoona starts tentatively.

“I think I should be going to bed too.” Taeyeon tries to find a smile for Yoona’s sake, but she comes up empty-handed. “Are you hungry? We saved dinner for you; I could heat it up for you.”

“I’m okay.” Yoona’s eyes are gentle and concerned. “You’re the one I’m worried about.”

“Worried? There’s nothing to worry about. I’m fine.”

Yoona doesn’t look like she believes her in the slightest, which isn’t surprising considering how Taeyeon can’t even make herself believe in her own words.

“If you want to talk…” Yoona lets the rest of that sentence fall open like an invitation.

Taeyeon shakes her head slowly, woodenly. “There’s nothing that talking can do at this point.”

“My dad used to say that nothing is truly broken until we give up on it,” Yoona says. “I believed him, until my mom left one day, with no warning, no notice at all. I asked him that if I never gave up on my mom, if it would mean that she would come back.” She bites her lip and blinks hard. “He didn’t have an answer.”

“Yoona…”

Yoona never talks about her mother. Never. Even Tiffany mention hers sometimes, always with loving wistfulness in her eyes, but Yoona—just doesn’t talk about it. Taeyeon, not one for talking herself, has never pushed her about it, even though she worries about Yoona, whose acting skills aren’t limited to filming dramas.

“I know what it’s like to have someone I love walk out on me,” Yoona continues. “It’s more painful than words can describe. I don’t want to see that happen to you or Sica unnie.”

“I don’t want to give up,” Taeyeon whispers, and then says in a stronger voice, “I’m not going to give up.”

Yoona smiles. “That’s good.” She presses her hand to her stomach. “You know what, dinner is sounding pretty good right now, actually.”

“I’ll warm it up for you,” Taeyeon offers, already approaching the fridge, but Yoona cuts her off with a smile.

“It’s okay, I can do it. You, meanwhile, need to get some sleep.” Yoona’s forehead furrows in concern. “We’ve all been worried about you, unnie.”

“Yeah, I could tell.”

“And you don’t like it.”

“I don’t,” Taeyeon admits. “I don’t like making you guys worried and upset.”

“Then sleep more, eat more, and smile more,” Yoona says simply. “We won’t be so worried then.”

“You make it sound so easy.”

“It’s not easy, but good things hardly are.” Yoona smiles. “I’m sure you can do it. I believe in you, unnie. We all do.”

Yoona’s words remind Taeyeon of Jooyoung, and the faith he has in her, the faith that all of them have in her for some reason. But she’s lost one person’s faith, lost a lot of things that she isn’t sure if she’ll ever get back but is determined to try anyway.

You should think about what you want too.

I don’t need to think about it, Taeyeon thinks, and she wishes that she could have told Jessica this, wishes that she was quick enough, brave enough.

She wishes that she’s the Kim Taeyeon worth loving and believing in, the one who would have said, “I want you.

Chapter Text

They have a joint practice with f(x) a few days later, and Taeyeon doesn’t miss how Krystal glares at her through all of it. If looks could kill, Taeyeon’s certain that Girls’ Generation would be reduced to an eight-membered group.

Jessica talks to Krystal later by the corner, smiling in a soft, private way, flicking Krystal’s forehead playfully before waving goodbye. Tiffany catches up to her by the door, and the two of them walk away together, chatting cheerfully. For once Taeyeon doesn’t feel jealous watching them.

“Taeyeon unnie.” Krystal touches her arm, and she almost jumps.

“Hey, Krystal.” She works up a smile. She notices that they’re the only two left in the room, and she wonders how long it would take for someone to find her body. “How’s it going?”

“They’re fine with me,” Krystal replies with that Jung coolness, “but with unnie, not so much.”

Taeyeon’s forced smile fades. She doesn’t pretend to misunderstand what Krystal’s talking about. She doesn’t know what Jessica told Krystal when she went home, but she doubts that Jessica persecuted her or even said much beyond what it took for Krystal to put the pieces together.

“I really am sorry, and I apologized.”

“And that’s all you’re going to do?” Krystal demands. “Do you honestly expect her to forgive you just because you said you’re sorry?”

“No, I don’t expect her to forgive me.” Taeyeon hangs her head. “I don’t even forgive myself.”

“Unnie cares a lot about you. She really cares about your opinion.”

Taeyeon swallows, the bitter taste of guilt and shame filling her mouth, almost choking her.

“Why do you hate her so much?” Krystal asks, sounding like she genuinely can’t understand.

“I don’t,” Taeyeon says forcefully. “I don’t hate Jessica.”

“Then why did you ignore her for months? We could all tell something was wrong. I wanted to talk to you earlier, but Victoria unnie told me not to pry, told me that it wasn’t my business. But Jessica’s my sister; she is my business.”

Taeyeon’s never thought that Jessica and Krystal look alike, but that look of resolve in Krystal’s eyes – more flinty than steely, like something might shatter or catch on fire, and you couldn’t know which – reminds her immediately and irrepressibly of Jessica, and it’s not hard to tell that they’re sisters in this moment.

“I don’t have any excuses. I know what I did was wrong and awful, and I want to fix it, and I’m not going to stop at a sorry. I just—I don’t know what to do right now. I’m not good at this.”

“At apologizing?” Krystal asks wryly, but her eyes have softened minutely.

“Well, yes. Among other things.”

“You said unnie matters to you. Have you actually told her that?”

Taeyeon gives her a blank look.

“And please don’t tell me you think she knows that already. Maybe she did, but being ignored by someone for months doesn’t tell you that they care about you – it tells you that they don’t like you.” Krystal takes a deep breath. “Do you actually like unnie, or is she just an important member of the group to you? Because there’s a difference, you know.”

“I like Jessica,” Taeyeon replies, without needing to think about it. “Maybe I haven’t told her that many times, but I-I’m just not a person who says everything I feel.”

“You’re not a person for words,” Krystal paraphrases, and Taeyeon nods. “I’m not either. People say that actions mean more than words, and sometimes that’s true, but they want to hear words.”

“You want me to tell Jessica that she matters to me?”

“I want you to do the right thing,” Krystal says evenly.

Krystal may be five years younger than her, but Taeyeon doesn’t feel like the unnie right now. She feels like she wants (needs) reassurances and answers and the help that her members look to her for all the time.

“I’m not sure if I know what the right thing is.”

“Then do what you think is the right thing.”

Taeyeon doesn’t trust her judgment very much, especially not these days. But she knows that she can’t just tell Jessica she’s sorry and expect everything to be okay. Forgiveness doesn’t work like that.

“You’re really sorry, aren’t you unnie?” Krystal asks. Taeyeon just nods in reply. “I can see it in your eyes. It’s hard to be mad at you when you look so sad, you know.”

“Maybe I do it so people can’t stay mad at me.”

Krystal chuckles. “That would be a neat trick.”

“Krystal,” Taeyeon says, and then she remembers what Jessica had said a long time ago, that Krystal prefers to be called by her Korean name, and she corrects herself, “Soojung. Thank you.”

Krystal tilts her head to the side; she reminds Taeyeon of Jessica like that for some reason. “For what? I came here to grill you about my sister.”

“I think I needed some grilling. I was feeling pretty raw earlier.”

Krystal’s mouth quirks up at the corner. “Are you well-done now? Or burned?”

“Medium-rare, maybe,” she says, and Krystal laughs. Taeyeon smiles a little too. “You’re a good sister, Soojung. I almost feel like you’re being the unnie here, instead of Jessica.”

“Unnie may be older than me, but she needs someone to take care of her too.” Krystal shrugs. “Victoria unnie is a great leader, almost more like a mom than a sister, but some days, we just take everything off her hands and tell her that we’re going to take care of her now, instead of the other way around. I think you need one of those days, Taeyeon unnie. It can’t be easy to be the leader of eight other girls, especially when you’re Girls’ Generation.”

“No,” Taeyeon says quietly. “It’s not easy. Not at all.”

“Well, sometimes things are hard because they’re worth it,” Krystal says, matter-of-fact.

Taeyeon repeats that sentence a few times in her head, and she finds it a very wise saying. Sometimes things are hard because they’re worth it, and sometimes they’re just hard, and it can be hard to tell between the two, but not this time, not for her.

“I think,” she says slowly, “I know what I need to do.”

Krystal smiles. “Good luck. And unnie?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t think it’s hard to see why Jessica likes you so much.” Krystal’s eyes suddenly narrow and sharpen; looking at her feels like staring down the point of a blade. “But if you ever put that look on her face again, I swear – I’ll make you regret it.”

Taeyeon doesn’t doubt that Krystal would make good on her threat. For a willowy girl barely out of her teens, she could sure be frightening.

“Got it. Actually, I think I got it by the holes you were boring into my head all through the practice.”

Krystal grins, not looking embarrassed at all. “I’ve been told I have an impressive glare.”

“That’s an understatement.”

“I get it from unnie, I think. I used to imitate her glares, but I could never get them right.”

“Jessica isn’t really imitable,” Taeyeon says wryly. “She’s…unique. Irreplaceable.”

“She’s many things. I think they should invent some new words just for her.”

Taeyeon laughs. “That would be a good idea.”

She could definitely use some of these words for when she talks to Jessica, but she’ll just have to make do with her meagre vocabulary. She’s not good with words, but she’ll try her best for Jessica.

After all, what you say isn’t just about the words you use; it’s about how you say them, and she’ll put her heart into it.

Chapter Text

Taeyeon walks into the kitchen just as Jessica comes out, wiping her hands on her jeans (they’re skinny jeans, but they’re loose on her, and Taeyeon has seen this pair before, remembers how they used to fit her perfectly) and humming something under her breath.

“Jessica.”

Jessica stops humming, stops moving. “Taeyeon,” she returns coolly, and then makes to brush past Taeyeon.

“Can we talk?”

“I’m busy.”

“Please?” Taeyeon whispers. “Please, just give me a chance.”

“I already have. I’ve given you plenty of chances, and—look what you’ve done with them.”

“I’m sorry.” Taeyeon’s voice cracks, and Jessica falters. “I’m so sorry.”

“You’ve already said that. If that’s all you have to say to me—” Jessica starts to walk away, but Taeyeon grabs her wrist and refuses to let her go.

“Jessica. Please, just listen to me. I know I don’t deserve another chance, but just—please stay and hear me out.”

Jessica doesn’t struggle or try to push away from her. She’s perfectly passive, almost apathetic, and Taeyeon would almost have preferred it if she tore away from her viciously or screamed at her.

Taeyeon would rather see her angry than see her not caring. The only thing worse than hatred is indifference, after all.

“I think you’ve already said everything there is to be said,” Jessica says in that bored drawl of hers. “This little thing of yours is getting old, isn’t it?”

“What thing?”

“People always want what they can’t have. You didn’t have any interest in me when I was desperately trying to get your attention, your favour. But now that I don’t want anything to do with you, you’re interested. You want me.” Jessica leans in dangerously close to Taeyeon, her eyes very dark and very sharp. “Am I right?”

It’s hard to breathe with Jessica looking at her like that, a look that she’s never seen before and isn’t sure she ever wants to see again.

“It’s not like that, Jessica,” Taeyeon says, but her voice comes out weaker than she would like.

“You can deny it, but your eyes don’t lie.”

“Every part of me lies. I’m a liar.”

“Then how can you ever expect me to believe you?”

“I can’t.” Taeyeon’s head falls. “I can’t expect anything from you, and I don’t deserve to. But I need you to know something. I didn’t even realize this myself before, or maybe I realized it but I didn’t want to admit it, but now I know I can’t and shouldn’t deny it.”

“What is it?” Jessica asks quietly.

“I need all of you,” Taeyeon says. “I need Sunkyu because she’s the most kickass best friend ever. I need Hyoyeon because she’s kind and caring but tough as nails and she takes care of the members in the ways that I can’t. I need Yoona because she’s such a choding but also one of the most mature and down-to-earth people I know.”

She takes a deep breath. Jessica’s still looking at her like she’s waiting for an ultimate answer from her, and this time she actually feels like she might be able to deliver it.

“I need Juhyun because even though she’s the youngest, she’s always led us down the right path. I need Sooyoung because without her resolve and humour, I don’t know where we’d be. I need Yuri because I can laugh on her shoulder and then cry the next second and she’d think nothing of it.

“And I need Tiffany because—she’s Tiffany.”

Taeyeon swallows, hard. “And I need you, because nobody harmonizes with me like you do, and you have the most unique sense of humour I’ve ever known, and you make me feel better about my complete lack of cooking skills, and I don’t know why they call you an ice princess, because you’re one of the warmest people I know.”

Jessica has her hand to her mouth, and her eyes are wet again, but Taeyeon knows these are very different tears.

“And I’m lucky to know you,” Taeyeon finishes, “lucky to have called you a friend.” She watches Jessica with hope and apprehension, bottom lip caught between her teeth, only noticing now that it’s healed.

“You sound like you’re at my funeral and you’re giving the eulogy.”

There’s that unique sense of humour again, and she’s never been so grateful to hear it.

“Can I call you a friend then?” Taeyeon asks softly. “In the present tense?”

Jessica looks at her very intently for a very long while. “Let me ask you something, Taeyeon,” she finally says.

“Ask away.”

“Do you hate me?” Her voice is as clear as a bell, and there’s barely any vulnerability in it, but it’s still there, and this time, she doesn’t try to hide it.

“No,” Taeyeon replies with no hesitation and no deception. “I admire you, and I respect you, and I envy you, but I don’t hate you.”

“I can’t tell when you’re telling the truth and when you’re not. I want to believe you, but we usually want to believe the lie more than the truth.”

“What I said earlier…I said that we may have to be together all the time, but that doesn’t mean I have to like you.”

“I remember,” Jessica says quietly. “Are you going to tell me that again? Because the message was clear enough the first time.”

“No, I want to tell you something. I didn’t have to like you, but I did anyway. I do.” Taeyeon’s mouth feels like a desert, her lips cracking like the earth along fault lines, but she keeps talking. “Nobody could have made me like you, not even myself, except you. You were just…you, and I may have felt jealous and bitter over the years, but that doesn’t change the fact that I need you.”

“But I don’t just want you to need me,” Jessica whispers. “I want you to want me.”

Taeyeon stares at her, confused about the difference, Tiffany’s voice floating in her mind: sometimes wanting means more than needing.

“But I do want you.”

Jessica shakes her head, her expression fond, gentle. She takes a ragged breath and lets it go, the exhale seeming to fill the space between them, the endless space that finally seems to be narrowing.

“Yul told me that you said you’re afraid. What are you afraid of, Taeyeon?”

“A lot of things,” she says, something about the soft look in Jessica’s eyes spurring her, emboldening her. “Failure. Disappointment. Expiration.”

“You’re not the only person who’s afraid,” Jessica breathes, so quietly that Taeyeon almost doesn’t hear her, that she wonders if she only imagined it.

Suddenly, and she doesn’t know why this comes to her now, she realizes that Jessica wasn’t humming an aimless tune earlier – she was humming a song. Almost.

“Oh, and next time you go home, get your parents to get you some glasses,” Jessica adds. “You need to get your eyes checked.”

Taeyeon’s genuinely confused by that. “Why?”

“Because you think I’m better than you. Obviously you’ve never taken a good look in the mirror, Kim Taeyeon.”

“I’m not talking about looks.”

“Neither am I,” Jessica replies cryptically. “I’m not talking about that type of mirror.”

“Then what are you talking about?” Taeyeon asks, even more confused now. “The Mirror of Erised or something?”

Jessica bursts out laughing. She laughs so hard she almost falls over, and she half-collapses against Taeyeon, who tries to support her.

“The Mirror of Erised. Honestly, Taeyeon, and you wonder why people call you a dork.”

“I never denied being a dork.”

“A cute dork,” Jessica teases, and something about her smile makes Taeyeon look away, her face feeling warm and her mouth drier than ever. “I have to go. I have to call Soojung about something.”

“Oh.” Taeyeon hopes Jessica doesn’t notice the way she freezes momentarily at the mention of Krystal. “Okay. Be a good unnie.”

“Aren’t I always?”

Then, with another one of those smiles, Jessica’s gone, and Taeyeon doesn’t realize she’s been watching her walk away without blinking until she rubs at her dry, hurting eyes.

Chapter Text

Yuri and Yoona are doing dishes – well, they’re flicking soap suds at each other and probably getting more water on their clothes than the dishes. Taeyeon doesn’t think much of it, because this is how dish duty usually goes around here anyway. Unless it’s Juhyun doing them, that is.

“Hey, Taengoo,” Yuri greets, waving a soapy sponge at her.

Yoona grins. “Are you here to help us with the dishes, unnie?”

“I don’t see a lot of dishes being done,” Taeyeon says wryly.

Yuri raises one shoulder in a lazy shrug. “They’re doing. They’ll be done. Eventually.”

Taeyeon opens the fridge and looks around for some of the mango smoothie they bought last week. She’s pretty sure Sooyoung finished it, but she has some hope.

“If you want some smoothie,” Yuri says, dashing said hopes, “it’s all done.”

“Sorry, unnie,” Yoona says sheepishly. “I finished it this morning.”

“Oh, it’s okay.” Taeyeon shuts the fridge door and leans against it. “You like that a lot more than I do anyway.”

“You don’t like to drink smoothie unless something’s up,” Yuri notes, a furrow between her eyebrows. Taeyeon’s barely noticed that fact herself, but she’s not surprised that Yuri has. Yuri’s perceptive like that, caring like that. “Is something up?”

“Or down,” Yoona adds.

“Nothing’s down.” Taeyeon shrugs. “Up, maybe a little.”

Yuri scrutinizes her, while Yoona just looks thoughtful, and she’s sure that any moment now they’re going to get it. She hopes so, at least, because she doesn’t quite know how to tell them.

Jessica and I made up. Jessica forgave me. Things are okay between me and Jessica now.

All of those statements are applicable, and yet Taeyeon can’t get them out. It’s not a secret, what’s going on between her and Jessica; she couldn’t have kept it a secret even if she wanted to, but for now at least, the only people who really know what happened between her and Jessica are her and Jessica.

Maybe it does count as a secret then. And she wants to keep it that way. Secrets are only strong if they’re protected; the only thing that sharing will do is break them.

But this is Yuri and Yoona, these are her girls, and she’s shared everything from camisoles to embarrassing baby pictures with them. She has no qualms with sharing things with them, even though sometimes she feels like they want to take more of her, have more of her, and she has nothing left to give.

That sounds like selfishness, objectively, but she knows that their love for her isn’t selfish. It’s generous, it’s giving. It’s selfless. She’s the selfish one, because she wants everything without giving up any of herself, and if that’s not selfishness, she doesn’t know what is.

“Unnie?” Yoona broaches. “Is everything okay?”

Taeyeon breathes out, feels her head clear although her chest still feels congested. “Yeah, everything’s okay. Better than okay. I—had a talk with Jessica.”

Yoona’s eyes widen; Yuri’s brighten.

“What happened?” Yoona asks gently.

“It went good. Things are—okay between us now. I think. I hope.”

“So you made up?” Yuri paraphrases.

“Yeah, we—” Taeyeon wets her lips, swallows, and then realizes that she’s smiling. “We made up.”

“That’s great!” Yuri exclaims, and Yoona chimes in her agreement, and they both smile back. They’re just happy, not pressing for details or badgering her with questions, even though she can tell that they’re curious about the conversation between her and Jessica.

She’s grateful for that. She’s grateful for them. She knows that they’re aware of that, but she finds herself wanting to tell them, verbally and explicitly, but she doesn’t even know how to begin.

“Thank you,” Taeyeon says softly, which seems like a pretty good start.

“For what, unnie?” Yoona asks.

For being here for me, Taeyeon wants to say, for helping me, for comforting me.

Instead, what comes out is, “For everything,” which is not entirely what she meant, but it’ll do.

“Any time,” Yuri says, eyes crinkling in a smile.

“You don’t have to thank us,” Yoona says. “Not for—not for this. I mean, we take care of each other. That’s how we work.”

Taeyeon doesn’t think she did a very good job taking care of them, at least in the beginning, when she was young and raw and full of nerves, when she just wanted to sing and yet was saddled with all these other duties, all these other labels.

The biggest one, the heaviest one, was leader, and she hadn’t wanted to bear it, she’s thought for years that she wasn’t very good at it, but it strikes her again that this is where she belongs.

“Yeah,” Taeyeon says softly. “That’s how we work.”

“Taengoo,” Sunkyu says cheerfully. “I’m going to get some more food today. Is there anything you want?”

“I could go for some smoothie.”

“What flavour?”

“Strawberry banana!” Tiffany practically yells, and Taeyeon jumps a little, not at the volume but at hearing Tiffany unexpectedly. She didn’t even realize that Tiffany had walked up behind her, which is unusual for her, because she practically has a radar to sense when Tiffany’s near. (Sunkyu had called it a ‘Taedar’, a name that she had groaned at but secretly kind of liked.)

Sunkyu rolls her eyes. “You just like it because it’s pink.”

“Not just that,” Tiffany protests. “Strawberry banana tastes really good.”

“Okay, okay.” Sunkyu raises her hands as if in surrender. “We’ll get some, don’t worry. What about you, Taengoo?”

“Some mango would be nice.”

“Yeah, mango is nice too,” Tiffany agrees. “Jessi loves that.”

“You barely drink any smoothie anyway,” Sunkyu says. “You barely drink anything. You need to get some more fluids.”

“Yes, Mom.”

“You don’t eat enough either,” Tiffany chimes in. “You’ve lost weight lately, you know.”

“Isn’t that a good thing?”

Tiffany frowns, concern swimming in her eyes. Taeyeon looks away. She doesn’t want to meet the concern, doesn’t want to look into Tiffany’s eyes for too long because she thinks that Tiffany can see right through her, and it’s not a feeling she likes.

“You’re too thin, Taeyeon,” Tiffany finally says, her voice soft, her touch even softer as she puts her hand on Taeyeon’s arm. “I don’t like seeing you so skinny.”

Taeyeon swallows thickly; she feels only a ghost of the ache she used to when Tiffany touches her like this, gentle and intimate, but a ghost is still something.

“I don’t like it either,” Sunkyu adds. “You need to eat more, okay? Your health isn’t a joke.”

“I don’t think I’ve lost weight.” Taeyeon pokes her ribs, and they don’t feel prominent or anything. She pinches her sides, and there’s still a decent amount of flesh there. She’s certainly nowhere close to skin and bones, nowhere close to a figure worth worrying about. Like Jessica’s. “If I did, it’s not much.”

“Taeyeon,” Tiffany says, disapproval clear in the two syllables.

“Jessica’s the one who’s lost weight. You should be giving her this talk, not me.”

“Trust me, I’ve tried,” Sunkyu snorts, “but Sica’s more stubborn than a mule. The only person who could beat her in that department is probably you.”

“I’m honoured.”

“Taeyeon,” Tiffany says again, and her voice is softer, sadder; there’s an edge of disappointment in it that Taeyeon hates hearing. She doesn’t want to hurt Tiffany, and she doesn’t want to disappoint her, and it seems like she’s doing an excellent job of both right now. “Please, just listen to us and take better care of yourself.”

“Okay,” Taeyeon relents, because she doesn’t want to see that lingering melancholy in Tiffany’s eyes. “I’ll try.”

“That’s all you ever promise when it comes to taking care of yourself, you know,” Sunkyu says wryly. “You promise to try, never to do.”

“‘Do or do not’,” Tiffany says. “‘There is no try.’”

“There is in my world,” Taeyeon says lightly.

All she can promise them is to try, because she doesn’t want to give them empty placations and she doesn’t want to go back on her word. Trying will have to be their middle ground, their compromise.

“Why don’t you come to our world sometimes?” Sunkyu asks. “We could use a dorky alien like you.”

Taeyeon rolls her eyes, but she laughs, and Tiffany doesn’t smile with her mouth, but she smiles with her eyes, and it’s a beautiful expression either way. It’s a beautiful expression, but it doesn’t make something clench in Taeyeon’s chest like it used to.

“I’ll eat more,” Taeyeon tells her best friends, quietly and sincerely, feeling the weight of the promise sink into the air between them. “I’ll try to be healthier – I mean, I’ll be healthier.”

“You’d better be,” Sunkyu says, her tone offhand but serious, while Tiffany just says, “Okay,” with a short, heavy nod.

Their eyes are steady, trusting. They believe she’ll be good for her word. They believe in her.

And for the first time in a while, she finds that she believes in herself too.

Chapter Text

“Taengoo,” Sunkyu calls from where she’s trying to reach something in a cabinet. “Want to pass me a chair?”

Taeyeon is about to reach for one, but she’s beaten to helping Sunkyu.

“Your poor baby.” Jessica walks over, rising to her tiptoes, and manages to grab the pack of cookies.

“Thanks, Sica!” Sunkyu beams, and Jessica just rolls her eyes and tells her that the best thanks would be to stop her “sickening aegyo” for a week. In response, Sunkyu pouts, and Jessica threatens to take her cookies back and put them on an even higher shelf.

“Geez, the ice princess is really making a comeback, huh?” Sunkyu grumbles, and then she takes her cookies and speeds away before Jessica can vaporize her with her glare.

Taeyeon laughs. “You really don’t like her aegyo.”

Jessica raises an eyebrow. “Do you?”

“I don’t mind it. Usually. And she’s my best friend, so…”

Jessica rinses off her cup and pours herself some juice. She takes it to the table and sits down, crossing a leg over the other one.

“I thought Tiffany was your best friend.”

“She is, but…” Taeyeon hesitates, unsure how to finish that sentence. All the endings are along the lines of she’s not just my best friend and she’s more than that, but how could she say that when all the feelings beyond mere friendship are on her side?

“They’re both my best friends,” she finally says, “in somewhat different ways.”

Jessica nods, seeming to accept the reply. She takes a gulp of juice, sucking her bottom lip into her mouth.

“You don’t have that look in your eyes when it comes to Tiffany anymore,” she suddenly says.

“Huh?” Taeyeon asks, confused. “What look?”

Jessica’s eyes flicker away. “Never mind.”

Taeyeon takes a seat beside Jessica; their knees brush slightly and Jessica’s leg jerks back, too fast to be deliberate. Taeyeon’s face falls slightly at the sign that Jessica still isn’t comfortable around her. She can’t blame her for it, and really, she should have expected it, but she can’t help the flash of hurt inside her.

“I don’t like it when you look like that,” Jessica says quietly.

“You mean, the way I look at Tiffany?”

“No, not that. I mean—” Jessica leans forward, staring intently at Taeyeon, like she’s trying to see right into and through her. Taeyeon feels her face warm at the intensity of Jessica’s gaze, but she doesn’t – can’t – draw her eyes away. “How do you not know what you look like? It’s your face, Taeyeon, and your eyes.”

Taeyeon manages a weak smile. “I’ve been told that I have bad eyesight and I should get some glasses.”

Jessica chuckles quietly at that. “Sounds like some wise advice.”

“Yeah, the person who told me that can be wise.” Taeyeon waits a few beats before adding, “…sometimes.”

Jessica rolls her eyes, but her mouth pulls up at the corners, and she idly shifts her leg so that their knees press together. It’s a casual motion, one that can almost be dismissed as accidental, but somehow Taeyeon has a feeling that it’s not.

“You didn’t answer my question,” Taeyeon realizes.

“I didn’t?”

She knows that Jessica’s very good at evading things if she wants to – she has a gift for dancing around a question – but most of the times she doesn’t bother to. Jessica’s not really an evasive kind of person; she’s too blunt, too direct for that. She’ll either ignore you completely or she’ll tell you point-blank to back off.

But given how Jessica was the one who brought it up both times, Taeyeon thinks she deserves a proper explanation.

“What did you mean?” she presses. “About Tiffany? And about—the other thing?”

Jessica doesn’t meet Taeyeon’s eyes for a few seconds. Her head is bowed slightly, bangs covering her eyes, and her grip is almost white-knuckled on her mug. Taeyeon doesn’t know what she’s thinking at all, and she finds that she really, really wants to know, and she also wants Jessica to stop holding her cup so tightly and to hold her head up and to look at her.

“You usually look at Tiffany like—I can’t even describe it.” Jessica frowns, surprisingly deep lines etching in her forehead. “Like the rest of the world doesn’t exist and it’s just the two of you, or something. Like you only see her, and you wish she only saw you too. Sometimes you even look kind of like that when you’re just talking about her.”

Taeyeon can’t talk for a moment. Actually, make that a whole lot of moments. She doesn’t know how she looks at Tiffany; she doesn’t try to look at Tiffany a certain way, that’s for sure, but loving Tiffany has never required any effort. She doesn’t try to love Tiffany; she just does.

(She’s tried to stop, but she’s never gotten very far. Until now, that is. She realizes that Tiffany’s smile no longer makes her insides tie into knots, and fanservice with Tiffany doesn’t ache like it used to, like pressing down on a bruise that refuses to heal. It’s a strange, unexpected realization, one that settles down on her slowly but sharply.

She didn’t try to fall in love with Tiffany – she just did. And she didn’t try to fall out of love with Tiffany – she just did. Love isn’t a very voluntary thing.)

“Wow, that makes me sound like a pathetic loser,” Taeyeon says, not exactly joking, accompanied by a weak chuckle.

Jessica brushes her hair out of her eyes, giving a small smile that’s tired and worn down around the edges. A smile that’s beautiful in a sad, painful kind of way.

“Love makes people into pathetic losers.”

After that blunt statement, Jessica takes a big swallow of juice, like she’s toasting to her words or something. Taeyeon wryly thinks that if she had something to drink, she would join Jessica in that toast.

“Is that what all those books you read have taught you?” she asks, light-hearted, teasing, because the atmosphere between them is getting dangerously gloomy, and really, she’s had more than enough gloom lately.

Jessica’s mouth quirks up in a shadow of a smile. “No, I’ve just been reading chick lit lately and those books always make love sound prettier and easier than it actually is.”

Taeyeon smiles a little, partly out of amusement, mostly out of agreement. “Then why do you keep reading them?”

Jessica shrugs. “Sometimes it’s nice to think about something pretty and easy.”

Taeyeon can’t argue with that. In their lives, a lot of things are pretty, from other idols they interact with to costumes that are laid out for them, but not a lot of things are truly beautiful. And as for easy – she doesn’t let herself think about that word very often. It’s better that way.

“And I didn’t mean that you’re a pathetic loser,” Jessica adds. “I don’t think you are. Tiffany’s not—hard to love.”

Taeyeon feels like Jessica was about to say something other than hard to love, but she doesn’t really know why she thought that, so she pushes the thought to the back of her mind.

“But she’ll never love me back,” she says quietly. “Well, she does love me, but not in the way I want.” She blinks a few times, forehead furrowing and corrects in an even quieter voice, “Wanted.”

“You’re not in love with her anymore?” Jessica’s talking in a very low voice too. Taeyeon doesn’t know why they’re whispering, but it seems right somehow, for this personal moment between the two of them, tucked away in the place where they spoke like strangers not so long ago and then made up amidst tears and laughter and confessions that Taeyeon had only spoken before in her mind and her dreams.

“You said I don’t look at her like that anymore.”

“I could be wrong.” Jessica looks away from Taeyeon, into the distance, her eyes oddly glassy. “I’m not good with feelings.”

“It’s okay,” Taeyeon says. “Neither am I.”

Jessica glances at her and then looks down at her cup like it’s tea and she’s trying to tell her future in the leaves.

“Good thing we’re in charge of vocals and not sentiments, then.”

It’s pretty funny but not exactly hilarious, and yet Taeyeon can’t stop laughing anyway. Jessica watches her laugh for a moment, eyes soft and warm, and then she joins in, her laughter so different from Taeyeon’s – high and sweet and hovering between delicate and shrill and just so feminine and so Jessica.

Their laughs don’t clash though, as different as they are. Actually they sound quite nice together. And then Taeyeon wonders what she’s doing thinking about how their laughs sound together, but she decides that this whole sitting at the kitchen table talking to Jessica thing is weird enough, but it’s not the bad kind of weird, not at all, and she won’t question it.

“You said…” Taeyeon hesitates, licking her lips. “You said you don’t like it when I look like—what I looked like when you said that. What did I look like?”

Jessica tilts her head to the side, her eyes dark and thoughtful, full of things that Taeyeon is yet to know.

“Sad,” she says, just as Taeyeon has almost given up on getting an answer. “You looked sad.”

Taeyeon swallows, wants to see if she’ll understand all the things in Jessica’s eyes a little better, but for some reason she can’t bring herself to meet her gaze.

“You don’t like it when I look sad?”

“I don’t like it when you are sad.” Jessica bites her lip, gnaws on the bottom one hard enough to leave the imprint of her teeth behind. “You don’t cry much, but you don’t laugh a lot either. I wish you would laugh more.”

“I don’t really like my laugh,” Taeyeon says self-consciously. “I sound like such an ahjumma.”

Jessica laughs at that: her bell-like, girlish laugh. “There’s nothing wrong with JumTaeng showing up once in a while.”

Taeyeon sighs, putting a hand over her forehead, and Jessica laughs again. That’s how Sunkyu finds them, empty cookie packet in hand, with Taeyeon looking like she’s trying to disappear behind her hand and Jessica laughing away in that way of hers.

“I need to get some new friends,” Sunkyu mutters, setting Taeyeon off, and Sunkyu walks away shaking her head as Taeyeon and Jessica double over in mirth and half-fall into each other with aching sides and light hearts.

Chapter Text

Tiffany tells them that she’s dating someone, another idol who they all know and like well enough. Taeyeon surprises herself when she discovers that she’s genuinely happy Tiffany found someone who makes her happy, even if that someone can’t be her.

“Personally I think you can do better,” Jessica drawls.

“What’s wrong with oppa?” Tiffany asks.

“Nothing’s wrong with him. He’s a great guy. But you can still do better.”

“Is that what happened with you and Donghae oppa?” Tiffany teases. Jessica is the one who’s been linked with the most male idols out of them, and it’s something they’ve brought up (or rather, used to make fun of her) many times.

Jessica rolls her eyes. “You know there was never a ‘me and Donghae’.”

“So you wish there was?”

Jessica makes a face. “Honestly, you’re worse than my sister.”

“Ouch, that was a low blow,” Taeyeon says, and Tiffany sticks her tongue out at her.

“TaeTae,” she says, her eyes bright. “You’re not against me having a boyfriend, are you?”

“No, I’m not.” Taeyeon hesitates, not because she doesn’t mean it, but because she does. “Why would I be against you being happy?”

“And you’re not against oppa, are you?”

“No,” she replies honestly. “I’m not. He’s a good guy. And we all know he’s crazy about you.”

“Thank you, TaeTae,” Tiffany says softly. “That means a lot to me.”

Jessica looks between the two of them for a while. Taeyeon has no idea what’s going on in Jessica’s mind, which is something that frustrates her. Jessica’s impeccable at hiding her emotions; she’s probably one of the best in the group at it, and Taeyeon’s probably the worst in the group at trying to pick them out.

“What about my opinion?” Jessica asks. “Doesn’t it mean a lot to you too?”

“Maybe it would if you didn’t shove it in my face.”

Jessica pouts, and Taeyeon finds herself staring. For someone who doesn’t like aegyo very much, Jessica has quite a lot of it and she pulls it off very well.

“Oh knock it off.” Tiffany pokes Jessica in the cheek. “You know I think you’re adorable.” She turns to Taeyeon with one of those knockout smiles of hers. “TaeTae, isn’t Jessi adorable?”

“Yeah,” Taeyeon agrees, without thinking about it, without needing to. “She is.”

Jessica’s eyes flicker to Taeyeon, and then she looks down and away, the faintest hint of pink stealing over her cheeks. Taeyeon clears her throat and finds her own face warmer than usual too.

“I have the cutest best friends in the world,” Tiffany declares, putting her arms around both of them. “The cutest and the greatest.”

“Aren’t you a lucky girl?” Jessica says wryly.

“Very lucky,” Tiffany says, and she smiles at both of them: that brilliant, heartbreaking, Tiffany smile of hers. Taeyeon looks at it for a long time, but she’s no longer helplessly drawn to it like before.

“I think I’m lucky too,” Jessica says contemplatively, closing her eyes like she’s remembering something, and then she smiles, quiet and private, not really for or at anyone, just a reflection of some simple contentment.

Taeyeon doesn’t look as long at Jessica’s smile as she did at Tiffany’s, but she doesn’t need to stare to memorize it.

Later on, when Jessica’s been dragged away by Yuri to do God-knows-what and Tiffany’s gone back to texting her boyfriend, and Taeyeon is alone but not lonely, she thinks about their smiles and how Tiffany’s smiles are easy to remember but Jessica’s are hard to forget.

It feels like a significant difference, somehow.

Tiffany starts spending more and more time with her boyfriend, and that means she spends less and less time with Taeyeon. It’s not like Taeyeon sits by the corner and sulks over it or anything, but given how much time she and Tiffany have always spent together, it feels…strange, to say the least, to be without her so much.

Her absence feels palpable, like something present rather than something missing, and with a start, she realizes that the presence is loneliness.

She loves all her members, she really does (although eight is a big number and before, she didn’t think that she had enough room in her heart to love eight people so much. Now she knows better. She doesn’t know if it’s that she underestimated herself, or if her heart has expanded to make room for all of them, but she thinks that the difference doesn’t matter, it’s the love that does), but there’s always been something…special about the bond between her and Tiffany. Something closer. Something more.

She always thought that it was because she was in love with Tiffany, but now she realizes that it’s not just that. Tiffany was the first person who broke down her walls, this fifteen-year-old from America who was all alone in Korea and yet smiled with so much heart, who gave her such open, earnest affection that it was impossible not to return it.

Tiffany was everything Taeyeon wasn’t: sweet, volatile, unguarded. Her voice cracked where Taeyeon’s voice didn’t, but it also throbbed in a way that Taeyeon’s didn’t, it seemed to come from a deeper place than either throat or diaphragm.

Tiffany was and is Taeyeon’s best friend, her unrequited love, the projection of her dreams and hope. She looked for the future in Tiffany’s eyes, sought reassurances, feared expectations, but she realizes now that you aren’t supposed to love a person wanting them to give you everything you’re looking for. If you love someone, you see them for who they are and you love them for that.

She doesn’t think she skipped over Tiffany’s flaws or put her on a pedestal. But she’s loved Tiffany for so long that it’s become a habit, a certainty, a constant in her life that she’s long since given up on trying to change.

Even now, she doesn’t really understand how her feelings for Tiffany changed, but she accepts that they have and that she’s ready to move on.

“You usually look at Tiffany like—like the rest of the world doesn’t exist and it’s just the two of you, or something. Like you only see her, and you wish she only saw you too.”

Taeyeon thinks that she sees the rest of the world just fine now. She sees everyone more clearly, including herself, and this clarity in vision is a little like putting glasses on and a lot like growing up.

“You know,” Taeyeon says conversationally to Sunkyu. “It’s kind of silly how we’re still called Girls’ Generation, even though we’re not really girls anymore, don’t you think?”

“What are we then, boys?” There’s a flippant tone to Sunkyu’s voice, but once she sees how serious Taeyeon’s expression is, she sounds more thoughtful. “Well, Women’s Generation doesn’t really have the same ring to it, I think.”

Taeyeon can’t argue with that.

“We’re not really girls anymore, but we’ll always be Girls’ Generation.” Sunkyu gives a small but warm smile. “Right?”

Taeyeon smiles back. “Right.”

She remembers reading somewhere that two things the human mind can’t comprehend are absolute certainty and the concept of forever.

Despite their fan chant, she knows that they won’t be forever, but she also knows – with absolute certainty – that they’ll always be permanent in one place:

Her heart.

Or maybe she should make that nine places. Their success won’t be forever, and their fame won’t be forever, but their bonds, their love for each other…

Taeyeon doesn’t believe in forever, but she believes in her girls. She believes in them, in Girls’ Generation, and indeed, no matter how old they may grow, that’s a part of them they’ll always keep and always cherish.

Chapter Text

“Oh, that’s a good drama,” Jessica says as she passes by the couch, where Taeyeon’s sitting, not really processing whatever’s playing on the TV.

“Is it?” Taeyeon asks absentmindedly.

“Yeah. Are you even watching it?”

“No,” Taeyeon admits, straightening up and stretching her legs. “I think I was zoning out.”

“Are you taking over my department?”

Taeyeon thinks wryly that although zoning out is one of Jessica’s specialties, she can probably give her a run for her money at it these days. She’s not even sure why she spaces out as much as she does; it’s not like she daydreams, or thinks long and hard about something. She just…dissociates, almost. Like her mind wants to take a break in the way that her body’s hardly ever allowed to.

Maybe that’s why she’s doing it. Because the exhaustion, the years and years of it, is catching up on her and taking a toll that she’s not sure she can keep on giving.

“I wasn’t aware you owned the department of zoning out.”

“Well, I do,” Jessica says crisply. “It has my name written all over the walls and everything.”

Taeyeon laughs, quiet and low in her throat. “I haven’t seen that. Must be my bad eyes.”

“Are they still bad?”

She hesitates. “I think—my vision is getting better.”

Jessica smiles. “That’s nice to hear.” She glances down at her watch. “I have to meet up with my trainer now. See you later.”

Taeyeon wonders how she has time to see a trainer with how hectic and busy their schedules are, but then again, despites Jessica’s laziness, she definitely isn’t lazy when it comes to something she really cares about.

Like them, for instance. Jessica isn’t lazy when it comes to Girls’ Generation, even if she stresses about the importance about not running and whines about air conditioning every other day in the summer.

“You don’t need to work out anymore, you know,” Taeyeon says, when she really means that she knows Jessica sees her trainer to lose weight, but she’s already too thin and Taeyeon doesn’t think she can afford to lose any more.

Jessica shrugs. “Sometimes a workout is just nice. It clears my mind.”

Taeyeon nods. She can understand that. Sometimes pushing your body to the limits and beyond them, until everything passes pain into numbness, is just what they need. Because exhaustion may not be a great feeling, but it’s better than misery, isn’t it? It’s better than bitterness, better than longing, and sometimes that’s all they can ask for.

Happiness isn’t an easy goal, so lack of sadness will have to do.

“You really do zone out a lot,” Jessica remarks, sounding amused and just a little worried. They worry about her a lot, and it touches her, it does, but it also burdens her. She wonders why they don’t seem to worry as intensely, as endlessly, for each other as they do for her, like there’s so much more to worry about when it comes to her.

Sure, she’s not the cheeriest person around, she doesn’t talk as freely and openly as most of them do, but she doesn’t think there’s a reason for that constant, heavy worry in their voices and eyes.

“Maybe my head is a better place sometimes. I mean, not a better place than the dorm, but—” Taeyeon exhales. “You know what I mean, right?”

“Your head is an interesting place, that’s for sure,” Jessica says, somehow flippant and thoughtful at the same time. “I really do wonder what’s going on in there sometimes.”

“Yeah, I do too.”

Jessica bites her lip, like she’s stifling a smile – or a frown. “I really do have to go now,” she says, dragging a hand through her hair. “Just make sure you don’t space out if you go somewhere and get kidnapped, okay?”

“Would you miss me if I got kidnapped?” Taeyeon asks impulsively.

Jessica’s face is impassive, unreadable, but then she smiles a little, the smile not touching her eyes. “Of course I’d miss you. What would we do without our leader?”

It’s a rhetorical question, but it seems to hang, heavy and looming, in the air, waiting for an answer.

“Yeah,” Taeyeon says, her chest feeling a bit tighter for some reason. “What would you do.”

“Unnie, you don’t look so well,” Juhyun says with concern. (It’s still at concern, not worry yet, but it’s getting there.) “Is everything okay?”

“Why does everyone ask me that,” Taeyeon says lightly, trying to aim for joking but missing the target. “Does everything seem not okay with me or something?”

“It’s not that,” Juhyun says delicately. “It’s just – we’re worried about you, unnie.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard.” They’ve told her that so many times she almost feels like she’s listening to a recording at those familiar words, although thinking about it like that isn’t fair to them. They ask because they care, and they care because they love her.

She loves them too, and she doesn’t want them to worry about her, but if making that happen means not giving them anything to worry about, then she doesn’t think she can do it.

“I’m sorry,” Juhyun says, startling Taeyeon. “I know you don’t like hearing that.”

“I know you’re worried about me. I don’t want you to be, but.” Taeyeon shrugs, rather helplessly. “I don’t think my life is a complete mess or anything, so I don’t see why there’s so much to worry about.”

“It’s not that there’s a lot to worry about.” Juhyun pauses. “It’s just – you don’t like talking to us about your problems, so sometimes we assume the worst. It’s not very fair of us, I know, but…”

“It’s not very fair of me either,” Taeyeon finishes, “to not talk to you in the first place.”

Juhyun looks rather contrite at having pointed out the obvious, and it makes Taeyeon feel a warm burst of affection for the maknae, who is often more mature than all of them.

“I’m not really the talking type,” Taeyeon says, even though she knows Juhyun is perfectly aware of that, they’re all perfectly aware of that. She still says it anyway, because she wants Juhyun to know it’s not that she doesn’t want to talk to them, it’s that she doesn’t want to talk, and there’s a difference between the two, there really is. “I know it’s hypocritical of me to tell you guys to share your feelings and then keep all mine bottled up, but—I just want the best for us, you know? That’s all I want.”

“I know, unnie,” Juhyun says softly. “We all know that.”

“Good.” Taeyeon swallows thickly and looks away, finding it hard to meet Juhyun’s gentle gaze.

“It’s alright if you can’t say what you’re feeling, unnie,” Juhyun adds, and Taeyeon feels that warm affection again, because Juhyun knows her so well, knows to use can’t instead of don’t want to. “We’re all in this together, right? That’s what you told us. We’re all in this together, and we know each other, and we’ll take care of each other.”

Taeyeon smiles, feeling so grateful for Juhyun, for a dongsaeng so understanding and caring and perceptive. So—Juhyun. She feels like their names are all distinct entries in her personal dictionary, all something significant and unique in her vocabulary that other words simply can’t substitute.

“Right.” She looks into Juhyun’s eyes this time, and Juhyun gives her a smile that only holds reassurances and no expectations, and she draws in a deep breath and then lets it out, long and cleansing.

Her chest doesn’t feel tight anymore.

“Taeyeon?”

She blinks blearily, waking up to someone insistently shaking her shoulder and calling her name, and she realizes that she had fallen asleep in the van. It’s not an uncommon occurrence, given how little they sleep and how they’ve learned to take advantage of every idle moment to catch up on it, but such a deep and sound sleep is.

“It’s time to get off,” Sunkyu, the one shaking her, says. “Don’t worry, you can sleep some more on the makeup chair.”

Taeyeon gives a sleepy grunt, rubbing her eyes, which aren’t open all the way because her eyelids feel too heavy.

“Here.” A water bottle is pressed into her hands. “Come on, we need to get going.”

“Thanks,” she croaks, “Sica.”

Jessica’s eyes soften. “First the zoning out, and now the sleeping. You’re really taking over my specialties, huh?”

“They’re such enjoyable specialties.” Taeyeon thinks about taking over, about replacing, and then about her fears before, her jealousy and resentment regarding Jessica, and she feels so small and ashamed she almost drops her head and curls in on herself.

“I know, right?” Jessica reaches out, taking Sunkyu’s wrist in one hand and Taeyeon’s in the other as she starts walking faster. “You two walk so slowly, geez. I mean, I know your legs are short, but—”

“Hey, you’re the one whose motto is to never run no matter how late you are,” Sunkyu shoots back.

“This isn’t running; this is walking slightly faster so manager oppa won’t take our ears off when we finally show up a thousand years later.”

“We’d be dead a thousand years later.”

“We’d sure be dead if we walked at your speed.”

“You guys are giving me a headache,” Taeyeon complains, putting a hand to her temple. They’re not, really. In fact, there’s something nice, something familiar and comforting, to hear them quipping at each other, but it’s almost a force of habit for her to say that in such a situation.

Sunkyu gives her a miffed look. “So what, you and Sica can laugh like maniacs together but we can’t talk?”

“We weren’t laughing like maniacs,” Taeyeon protests.

Jessica raises an eyebrow. “You would know about being a maniac, wouldn’t you?”

“Sicaaaaa,” Sunkyu whines. “I thought your ice melted already. You’re making me shiver here.”

“It’s wintertime,” Jessica deadpans. “Get used to it.” She pushes open the door and they walk into the styling room, where the other girls are already getting their hair and makeup done.

“There you are.” Sooyoung rolls her eyes. “Did it take you guys that long to wake up Taengoo? Is she turning into Jessica or something?”

Jessica snorts. “You could have stayed behind and helped, you know. What are you complaining about?”

“I think I deserve a break from waking people up after all those years with you,” Sooyoung sniffs. “You should go sit down and get your makeup put on. Look at you. If you went on stage like this, the fans would cry.”

Taeyeon can see a vein pulse in Jessica’s forehead. “Yah, Choi Sooyoung—”

“Come on, don’t take it so seriously.” Taeyeon puts a hand on Jessica’s arm. “You don’t need make-up to be pretty. It is my fault for being hard to wake up.” She looks at Sunkyu too as she says, “Sorry,” but in her peripheral version, she can see that Jessica’s face has gone oddly blank.

“It’s okay,” Sunkyu says amicably. “I guess that’s what best friends are for, right?”

“Yeah,” Jessica says, suddenly looking like she’s the one who woke up from a nap, a bright look of refreshment (is that what it is?) in her eyes. “Not that Yuri ever woke me up.”

“Nobody can wake you up,” Yuri says. “I’m pretty sure you could sleep through an earthquake. Or World War 3.”

Suddenly Taeyeon realizes that her hand is still on Jessica’s arm, and she moves it away. Jessica’s eyes follow the movement of her hand, and on an impulse, she pats the small of Jessica’s back, a hollow that her palm fits perfectly against.

“Or being kidnapped,” Taeyeon adds quietly. “I’m sure someone could carry you away and you wouldn’t even notice.”

Jessica’s mouth quirks up. “Maybe I should look for a bodyguard then. Do you know any?”

“No, but I’ll get back to you if I find someone.”

Jessica smiles, eyes crinkling, no teeth and all sweet, effortless brightness. Taeyeon’s mouth goes dry.

“It’s a deal.”

On another whim, Taeyeon sticks out her pinky, and Jessica reaches out her hand with no hesitance and curls her pinky around Taeyeon’s, sealing their promise.

Chapter Text

Taeyeon loves her country, of course she does, and Korea loves them back. She can’t count the number of times they’ve been called the nation’s girl group (and at the beginning, she did keep track, maybe out of egocentricity or just a desire to be known and loved; maybe the two are closer than she’s comfortable with), and she knows how popular they are. They all know.

Being at the top is amazing, it’s thrilling, it’s dizzying. It’s terrifying, it’s tiring, it’s burdening. Above all, it’s burdening. After all, there’s no place you can go but down. It’s a lonely place at the top, a place filled with envy and resentment, but this is what they fight for, this is what they sweat and cry and drag themselves out of bed after three hours of sleep for.

“Is it worth it?” she asks Tiffany one day, unsure why she’s asking this question now but unable to hold it back. “All—this. Do you think it’s worth it?”

Tiffany gives her a careful, assessing look. Taeyeon meets her gaze for a moment and then looks away, before the worry inevitably comes into Tiffany’s eyes. It always does.

“I asked myself that question so many times,” Tiffany says. “I think we all did, especially in the earlier years.”

“What did you come up with?”

Tiffany smiles, and Taeyeon absently thinks that Tiffany’s smile hasn’t changed in all these years and yet it’s not the same as Stephanie Hwang’s smile. That doesn’t make sense, but maybe when it comes to best friends, when it comes to them, things don’t have to make sense all the time, they just are.

“I think,” Tiffany starts, “that given how we can’t change anything—”

“Just because we can’t change anything doesn’t mean it’s pointless to wonder,” Taeyeon cuts in, even though she knows that wondering is pointless, it’s futile, it can’t change anything. “I just…” She bites her lip. “I want to know. If you think it’s worth it.”

Tiffany’s eyes are soft. “I think what matters is if you think it’s worth it.”

“Why are you avoiding the question?”

Tiffany smiles a little, but it just makes her look sadder instead of happier. “I think…it’s worth it.” She shrugs, a rather sharp motion. “But this is what I wanted, you know. It’s what I’ve wanted for a very long time.”

“It’s what I wanted too,” Taeyeon says, her voice more defensive than she intended.

“I know that.” Tiffany’s voice is gentle. “It’s not a competition about who cares more. I know how much you care about us. We all know.”

Taeyeon swallows and nods. I do care, she means to say. I care so much that it scares me sometimes, she wants to say. But she doesn’t, partly because she can’t get the words out, and partly because she thinks Tiffany knows anyway.

Tiffany puts her hand on Taeyeon’s arm, her eyes searching but soft. “You can talk to me, you know. About anything.”

“I know.” Of course she knows. “I just—” She struggles, fumbling for words. There’s no point in saying something like I don’t like to talk about my feelings or I prefer to keep things inside, because Tiffany knows that, they all know that. But she also wants Tiffany to know that if she wants to talk to someone, Tiffany would be first on the list. That’s never been a question.

“It’s okay.” Tiffany smiles again. “I know.”

“Okay,” Taeyeon says quietly. She’s sure that Tiffany really does.

“Hey.” Jessica catches Taeyeon right before they’re set to perform. “Let’s do well, yeah?”

Taeyeon smiles. Little moments like these have become more and more common between them. She can’t say that it’s like their fight never happened, because it’s not something that she would try to forget even if she could, but she feels like it’s brought them closer. She feels like the Jessica and Taeyeon from the past aren’t as far as she thought they were. Maybe they can’t go back to that, they can’t return to the past, but they can have another beginning, and this time she won’t make the same mistakes again.

“Yeah,” Taeyeon says softly. “Let’s do even better than last time.”

Jessica’s forehead is furrowed as she adjusts the bow in her hair, evidently trying to fix her braid, which is getting loose, but all she succeeds in doing is creating some kind of strange cowlick at the side of her head.

“Do you need some help?” Hyoyeon asks wryly.

“No, I’m fine.” Jessica’s expression is somewhere between a pout and a glower. It’s one of her trademarks, really, and nobody pulls it off like her. “I can take care of my own hair, okay?”

Hyoyeon raises an eyebrow. “Okaaaaay.” She draws the sound out and looks at Jessica for a bit longer, clearly holding back a smile, and then Yuri calls her away to demonstrate some dance move.

Taeyeon touches the ribbon in Jessica’s hair lightly. “That doesn’t really look like ‘fine’ to me.”

Jessica stiffens for a second, but then she relaxes immediately. Her hands fall away from her head, and this time, her expression is definitely a pout. “My hair isn’t having a good day.”

“Hair is allowed to have bad days too.”

“Then it’s luckier than us.”

It’s supposed to be a joke, or at least Taeyeon thinks it is, but it isn’t really funny because it’s true. It’s very true.

“Do you want some help?” she offers. “I mean, you don’t even have a mirror. It’s going to be really tough to do it yourself.”

“Okay.”

Taeyeon unties the ribbon, careful not to pull on Jessica’s hair, and combs the tangled strands out with her fingers. Jessica stays completely still during the process; she’s wearing sneakers while Taeyeon has heels on and so they’re the same height.

“There we go.” Taeyeon smiles a little at her handiwork. Jessica’s hair is smooth and sleek again, and her braid is a little higher than it was before, but she thinks it looks pretty good. “All done.”

“Thank you. It looks like I need to brush up on my hairstyling skills.”

Taeyeon chuckles. “It’s okay. You have eight hairstylists around you all the time who can help you.”

Jessica snorts. “Have you seen the things Yuri and Yoona have done with Tiffany’s hair? I’m not letting them anywhere near my head.”

Tiffany does seem to be Yuri and Yoona’s favourite victim. Those two could get to a terrifying amount of mischief, especially when they roomed together. Taeyeon doesn’t know how one room could fit so much deviousness.

“Well.” Taeyeon smiles. “You have me.”

Jessica falters, staring at Taeyeon with wide, dark eyes that reflect the lights like stars. Taeyeon blinks, confused at Jessica’s reaction. Then Jessica smiles, slow and sweet, and she stops blinking altogether.

“Are you going to be my personal hairstylist?” Jessica asks teasingly.

“Depends. Do I get a salary?”

Jessica’s mouth lifts slightly. “I’m sure I can think of a way to pay you.”

The statement is perfectly innocent, so Taeyeon doesn’t know why she feels like her face catches on fire. She clears her throat, hoping that Jessica can’t see her blush, but judging by the way Jessica’s eyes are twinkling, she can see it perfectly fine.

Taeyeon clears her throat again. “Do I have to sign a contract or something?”

“So you want to do it?”

“Well.” She shrugs. “There are worst things to be than your personal hairstylist.”

“I’m honoured,” Jessica says wryly.

“Hey, you two!” Hyoyeon comes back and waves at them impatiently. “We’re going to be late, come on!”

“Okay, okay,” Jessica says. “We’re coming.”

Hyoyeon gives Taeyeon a knowing look that confuses her, and she beckons at them one more time before walking away.

“Taeyeon.” Jessica gives her an expectant look. “Come on, let’s go.” Without waiting for her reply, Jessica grabs her wrist and starts pulling her along.

Taeyeon keeps up with Jessica’s pace, but Jessica doesn’t let go of her, and she doesn’t mind.

Jessica looks like a child sitting with her legs crossed, pointing at things with Yuri and making faces with Tiffany. Taeyeon wants to join them, but she’s the leader, she has to thank the fans and talk about their upcoming activities and smile and charm even though she’s tired, from her legs to her throat to somewhere deeper and less tangible.

She looks out into the ocean of pink glow sticks and screaming fans, who are there for them, who would be happy just to see them talking and laughing, and in this moment, she feels nothing but gratitude and appreciation for them.

There are times when she has bitter thoughts, when she is sick of their utter lack of privacy, sick that they’re seen as machines or pretty dolls or some other species entirely – idols – who exist solely to entertain, sick that they’re not treated like people, because that’s what they are. They’re just people, people who get tired and frustrated and sad, people who have bad days, people who are supposed to sell music but have to sell themselves at the same time.

“Taeyeon!” Tiffany has to shout her name for her to hear it clearly. Not that shouting is unusual for Tiffany. “What are you doing all the way over there?”

Taeyeon realizes that without knowing it, she had walked some distance away from the rest of the girls and she’s standing near the edge of the stage. She walks back to them, her members, her family, and Tiffany slings an arm around her shoulders.

The fans’ cheering gets a lot louder at that, and Taeyeon can hear more than a few cries of ‘TaeNy! TaeNy!’. She wonders if Tiffany put her arm around her because she wanted to, or because she knew the fans would like it. Probably both. Fanservice is a very useful tool in their arsenal, and they’ve all mastered it to the extent that they no longer did it consciously.

“That’s better,” Tiffany says, smiling, and Taeyeon knows that this smile isn’t for the fans, isn’t for the cameras. It’s just for her.

Taeyeon slips her arm around Tiffany’s waist, and the audience’s cheers rocket up to a volume that almost hurts her ears. Fanservice with Tiffany used to be painful, because it was so close to what she really wanted, but at the same time, it couldn’t be farther away. (She did it anyway, because in this industry you do what you have to, no matter how much it hurts.) Now…it’s not painful anymore. Being with Tiffany isn’t painful anymore.

“That’s a nice smile.” Tiffany pokes her cheek, and only then does she realize that she’s smiling. “You should smile more often.”

“You smile enough for the both of us.”

“Smile more,” Tiffany repeats. “I like it when you smile.”

“I like your smile too,” Jessica adds, walking by only for long enough to leave behind those words and a quick but lingering smile.

This time, Taeyeon knows that she’s smiling, but that doesn’t mean she can control it. That doesn’t mean she tries to stop.

Chapter Text

“That was—something,” Taeyeon says, at the end, as they stand backstage together, naturally forming a circle the way they tend to. She thinks that it doesn’t feel right unless there are nine of them all together like this. Most people would say that seven is a lucky number, but for her, it’s always been nine. The nine of them – they’re her luck, her happiness; her everything, really, and it’s hard for her to remember the years before them, and even harder to imagine the years after them.

But then again, even if Girls’ Generation is no more, as they will be one day (it’s hard to think about, and most of the times she doesn’t, unless she fixates on the thought of plummeting, of failing, of ending, and then she can’t stop thinking about it), that doesn’t mean they will be no more.

So really, maybe there never will be a time ‘after them’, and she isn’t unhappy with that thought.

“Taengoo, always the verbose one,” Sunkyu jokes.

“I think ‘something’ is a good word,” Jessica says, “for the words we don’t know how to say.”

Taeyeon smiles at Jessica, who may not say a whole lot (banter aside), but when she does, she says things like this, things Taeyeon would have liked to say, if she knew how to.

But maybe it’s okay that she doesn’t, because there are nine of them after all, and there is always someone who knows how to fill in the blanks.

“You’re such a poet these days, unnie,” Yoona teases. “Is there a special someone inspiring all this poetry?”

Jessica blinks, her eyes slightly wide but otherwise giving away no hint of what she’s thinking. Taeyeon suddenly wonders if she has a boyfriend, like Tiffany and Yoona and Sooyoung, and the thought makes a sour taste rise up the back of her throat.

They don’t keep a lot of secrets from each other (it’s hard to, even if they wanted to), but Jessica’s always been a private person, exceptionally so (almost as much as Taeyeon), and it wouldn’t be hard to imagine her dating someone without telling them.

“No, I’m not really looking for a boyfriend right now,” Jessica replies casually. “Maybe a bodyguard though.” She catches Taeyeon’s eye, and Taeyeon smiles, ducking her head slightly to hide it.

“A bodyguard?” Yuri asks. “You mean, like one of those dramas where the tall, strong—”

“Oh, knock it off.” Jessica elbows her in the stomach. “What’s with you and dramas anyway? I swear, ever since acting in one, it’s like you think your life is a drama now or something.”

“Because I want some romance,” Yuri whines. “I want someone to come and sweep me off my feet. Is that too much to ask?”

“If I kick you and you fall over, does that count as sweeping you off your feet?”

“Sicaaaaa.” Yuri pouts. “You’re so cruel to me. You don’t treat Taengoo like this, and you’re with her all the time now.”

Taeyeon can’t help how keenly she looks at Jessica to see her reaction, but Jessica’s face has gone blank in that way of hers again. They all put on masks, day in, day out, and they’ve learned to see through each other’s masks, but she’s never been able to crack this one.

“Careful Yul, you sound jealous,” Jessica says, her voice light but her eyes still guarded. “What are you, my girlfriend or something?”

Yuri wrinkles her nose. “If I wanted to get a girlfriend, you wouldn’t be on top of the list.”

“Who would be?” Sooyoung asks. “Let me guess, it’s me, isn’t it?”

“No,” Yoona cuts in. “I bet it’s me. YoonYul trumps SooRi any day.”

“Maybe back in the ancient days,” Sooyoung retorts. “YoonYul is so dead now.”

Taeyeon remembers when they were hesitant at best about fanservice, but here they are now, tossing around their pairing names, their ‘ships’, with no more thought to it than any of the other various topics they invoke to tease each other.

The things the industry has done to them, she thinks wryly. Or maybe the industry didn’t do this to them. Maybe they did it to themselves; maybe the industry started shaping them into the moulds they wanted and they finished the rest of the process.

Tiffany smiles and drops her arm around Yuri’s waist. “YulTi is totally on top right now, okay guys? Don’t even try.”

“Well, if we’re really talking about who’s on top,” Jessica says, matter-of-fact, “then there’s really no competition at all. TaeNy is head and shoulders above all the other ships.” She looks at Taeyeon, who just blinks, having no idea what kind of reaction she should have.

“TaeTae is just too cute for me to resist,” Tiffany says, eyes disappearing into half-moons.

Taeyeon looks at Jessica, whose expression is still carefully neutral, carefully controlled. Yoona may be the one with the most dramas out of them, but sometimes Taeyeon thinks that Tiffany and Jessica are really the best actresses. Tiffany is able to put everything on the surface so easily, so brightly, and Jessica is able to shut down so easily, so impenetrably.

“I’m cute,” Taeyeon says with a shrug, really to all of them, but her eyes find Jessica’s almost of their own volition.

Jessica nods, and something seems to lighten in her eyes, like a sliver of sunlight shining through a gap in the curtain. “You are.”

The smile comes back, and again, she drops her head, but she doesn’t think that hides it from anyone, least of all Jessica. And even though her eyes are cast downward, she can see Jessica’s answering smile.

Their schedule is incredibly full, incredibly busy, but there’s almost a comfort in the hustle of events as they perform and travel, travel and perform, give some interviews in between and try to squeeze in some sleep beyond the handful of hours they’re allocated.

Jessica’s the resident expert at it, of course. She can fall asleep anywhere and anytime, and for a while when they were trainees Taeyeon honestly thought she was narcoleptic, but an embarrassed Jessica had explained that was just how she was.

Even back then, there had been times when Taeyeon was jealous of her, her jealousy merely another product of her insecurity and her raw want to succeed, to shine above the others rather than with them.

But back then was back then, and now is now, and the eight of them aren’t ‘the others’ anymore. Back then, she divided the nine of them cleanly into ‘them’ and ‘me’, and now it’s simply ‘us’. Back then, she didn’t want to need them and now she knows she wouldn’t be able to live without them.

“It’s going to be a long ride to the airport,” Sunkyu says. “You should try to get some sleep.” She jabs her finger at Jessica, who’s asleep on Taeyeon’s other side, head lolling against the window. “Take a lesson from Sleeping Ugly over there.”

“I’m not tired,” Taeyeon says honestly, although she’s exhausted, they all are. However, there’s a difference between physical and mental exhaustion, and right now she feels almost none of the latter. It’s not a feeling she’s used to, but she won’t complain. “And Sica’s not ugly,” she adds. “Not when she’s sleeping or—or any other time.”

Sunkyu looks amused. “Okay, you can watch her sleep then, and I’ll take a nap.”

“I’m not watching her sleep,” Taeyeon protests, but Sunkyu had turned her head away and looks like she’s halfway to dreamland already. Or she’s just ignoring Taeyeon. It’s probably that. “That’s creepy. I’m not creepy.”

Jessica mumbles something in her sleep, and her head drops from the window and onto Taeyeon’s shoulder. Taeyeon tenses up involuntarily, and then she relaxes and gently tips Jessica’s head so she’s in a more comfortable position. A long strand of hair is hanging in the middle of her face, right over her nose and grazing her lips, and Taeyeon brushes it away, tucking it behind Jessica’s ear.

“Sleep well,” she whispers, and then, “I’m not creepy, really.”

She knows she should get some rest too, because she doesn’t sleep well on vehicles, not even all these years later, but she can’t fall asleep no matter how hard she tries. It’s okay though, because sitting here between Jessica and Sunkyu, hearing their quiet, even breathing, feeling the solid warmth of Jessica against her – it’s strangely restful.

She doesn’t fall asleep, but she gets her rest.

Everything seems to be going well until, without any warning at all, they go to hell.

Maybe that phrasing is not the best, but Taeyeon can’t think of another word as she watches Jessica stumble along in their manager’s arms, more supported by him than her own legs, her hair a tumbled veil over her pallid face.

She can still hear Yoona and Yuri crying, and she vaguely thinks that she would probably be in tears too if she could process it all, if she could do anything except watch Jessica being half-carried away, looking like she might fall over any moment now.

The next thing Taeyeon knows, someone has a firm grip on her elbow and is shaking her. “Unnie,” she hears a gentle but insistent voice. Juhyun, that little voice in her mind, the one that isn’t crying out for Jessica, reminds her. Juhyun. “Unnie, please, we have to go.”

“Go,” Taeyeon echoes faintly. “Go where?”

Her vision comes into focus, is no longer centered on Jessica, even though Jessica isn’t even there anymore, hasn’t been for a while. Juhyun is staring at her, face almost as white as Jessica’s had been, eyes huge and dark and worried.

“Onto the plane,” Juhyun says. “Come on, unnie.”

Taeyeon nods, still numb, and she follows Juhyun mechanically as they cut through the fans still milling about in the airport, frantic and excited and yelling things at them that she doesn’t hear in the slightest.

She feels like her eyes are burning, but when she touches them, they aren’t wet. She almost wants to cry, but she can’t. She’s struck by an urge to see the look on her face, but she doesn’t think she could bear to meet her reflection right now. She doesn’t know what she’d see in it, desperation or fear or what.

Instead, she keeps her arm raised above her face, covering her eyes, covering her expression, not just from the fans but from Juhyun and from herself.

Chapter Text

“Taeyeon, stop walking all over the place,” Sunkyu says flatly. “You’re giving me a headache.”

Taeyeon can’t stop her erratic pacing, which she’s been doing on and off for the past—however long it’s been. It could have been ten minutes; it could have been ten hours. She can’t tell. She just knows that Jessica’s in that hospital room, and they’re – she’s – outside of it, and she has no idea how Jessica is, and the anxiety clenches in her chest like a rubber band pulled taut. She feels like it could snap at any moment, and if it does, she’ll snap right along with it.

“We’re worried about her too,” Tiffany says, her eyes looking black against the white of her skin, her lips pinched into a taut line.

Jessica was the one who hit her head, but they all look physically affected; ill, almost. Taeyeon supposes that’s what love does to a person. When someone you love gets hurt, you hurt too.

“But that’s why we especially have to be strong now,” Tiffany adds. “We have to be strong for Jessi.”

But I’m not strong, Taeyeon wants to say. I’m not strong, I’ve never been strong like you, and how could I be strong now?

“I’m sure she’ll be okay,” Yuri says, although Taeyeon can hear the nervous note in her voice. Yuri seems to be taking it better than the rest of them, but then again, she’s always been better at putting up a bright front. Tiffany is the other resident expert, but even Tiffany is clearly and deeply worried. “She’ll be okay. She has to be okay.”

Taeyeon can tell that Yuri’s trying to convince herself just as much as she’s trying to convince the rest of them. Taeyeon doesn’t feel very convinced, but then again, she’s always been an excessive worrier. She just hopes that in this case, their worry really is excessive and unnecessary.

“Yeah,” Yoona agrees, braving a smile. “Sica unnie will be okay.” Juhyun, standing close enough to her for their shoulders to brush, gives a small nod.

“Nobody and nothing could keep that girl down,” Sooyoung says. “She’s probably just going to use this as an excuse to sleep all day and get us to pamper her.”

They share a laugh at that, but there isn’t any mirth in it. People may say that laughter is the best medicine, but right now the only medicine that Taeyeon thinks would work is the sight of Jessica.

Taeyeon mumbles something about needing to use the washroom, and she hurries out of there. She wants to be close to them, to draw comfort from them (because she doesn’t have any of her own to offer), but she also feels like she needs to be alone right now.

Maybe she’ll collapse. Maybe she’ll break down. She can’t do it in front of them. She can’t.

They don’t seem to trust her to be alone though, because she hears soft, deft footsteps echo after hers, and then a hand is on her arm; comforting, not restraining.

“Taeyeon,” Hyoyeon says softly. “Are you okay?”

Yes, Taeyeon starts to say, but she can’t complete the lie. She shakes her head, tears coming to her eyes, and she tries to hold them back but her body betrays her.

“Poor Taengoo,” Hyoyeon murmurs. She folds her arms around Taeyeon and pulls her close, stroking her hair soothingly as she cries, not making a sound even as her body wracks with sobs. Hyoyeon even produces a tissue, and Taeyeon wipes her eyes before blowing her nose into it, knowing that she must look like a mess. It’s a good thing they’ve managed to leave the fans behind, but she doesn’t know how long that will last.

A part of her can’t help but resent them for the incident, even blame them a little. If it weren’t for how crazy and uncontrollable the fans get, the security personnel wouldn’t be so forceful. Of course, she’s the angriest with the bodyguard who pushed Jessica, and she wants to yell at him, she wants to see him fired, but she also knows in the rational corner of her mind that he was just trying to do his job (albeit with the wrong approach), and she’s sure he’ll be persecuted enough by the fans.

In that aspect, she almost pities him. The Sones will be out for his blood. (And she can’t deny that a part of her is happy about that.)

Hyoyeon hands her another tissue, which she takes gratefully. “I’m sure Jessica would be upset if she knew how worried you were. Well, upset but probably happy too.”

Taeyeon doesn’t think too hard about the latter part of Hyoyeon’s sentence. “I just – I’m scared,” she whispers, finally admitting it. “I’m scared for her.”

“I’m scared too,” Hyoyeon says quietly. “I’m kind of glad I didn’t see it in person. I don’t know what I would have done. It was bad enough to see her carried to the plane swaying like that, but if I actually saw her get hurt—”

“She’ll be fine, right?” Taeyeon asks desperately. “You think she’ll be fine, right?”

Hyoyeon nods, her eyes steely. “She’ll be fine. I know it.”

Taeyeon deflates slightly, maybe in relief, she’s not sure. “How can you know that though?”

“Call me silly, but I think it’s faith.” Hyoyeon taps a spot on her chest, above her heart. “I just feel that she’ll be alright. I really feel it, and I believe it.”

Taeyeon thought for the longest time that faith was futile and unreliable. Looking back on it, it’s probably because she didn’t want to rely on anything or anyone other than herself, not even her members. She’s changed though, she’s gotten stronger, because she knows that there’s strength in trusting others, in letting them fill in the spots where she’s lacking, and vice versa.

Believing in her girls doesn’t make her weak; it makes her stronger than ever.

“I wish I had more faith,” Taeyeon whispers. “I’ve always lacked it, I think.”

“You can have some of mine,” Hyoyeon says, and it should sound like a flippant remark, but it isn’t. She’s serious, sincere.

Taeyeon closes her eyes, feels her exhaustion sweep over her and holds it back by sheer force of willpower. “Do I have to give it back?”

“No.” Hyoyeon chuckles lightly. “It’s yours to keep.”

“That’s good. I could use some more faith.”

“We all can, I think. It’s not an easy thing to come by.” Hyoyeon squeezes Taeyeon’s arm, her touch gentle but firm, supporting Taeyeon, grounding her. “But Jessica has faith in us, and we should have faith in her too. She’s strong. I’m sure she’ll come out of this just fine.”

Taeyeon nods wordlessly, brushing a lone, remaining tear from the corner of her eye, where it refuses to fall.

“You guys look like you’re visiting me on my deathbed,” Jessica says as they crowd around her bed, elbows jostling and hips bumping, nobody minding as long as they can be close to her. “Should I be worried?”

“Jessi.” It’s Tiffany who speaks first, her voice thick. “Are you—are you okay?”

Jessica blinks at her. “Of course I am. Do I not look okay?”

She looks—fine, Taeyeon has to admit. Paler than usual, and smaller than usual in the hospital bed, but she doesn’t look sick or injured.

The stitch in Taeyeon’s chest eases slightly, and she draws in a breath, her chest not quite as tight as before, although she’s far from relaxed.

“We were so worried, unnie,” Juhyun says softly. “We’re so glad you’re okay.”

Seven heads bob in agreement with her words. Sooyoung sniffs, and Yoona puts an arm around her. Yuri just looks at Jessica intently, eyes running over her as if to make sure that she’s really okay and she’s not hiding a wound somewhere.

“I’m okay.” Jessica smiles a little. “Not fantastic, obviously, but okay. They want me to stay overnight at this stupid place though.”

“If the doctors want you to, then you should,” Hyoyeon says. “They know what they’re doing. You should listen to them.”

“Yes, Mom.” Jessica sticks out her tongue, and the sight is so endearing that Taeyeon feels like she might cry again. Then Jessica looks at her and her expression is replaced by a concerned frown. “Taengoo, are you okay?”

The absurdity of Jessica asking her that question, rather than the other way around, renders her mute for a moment. Jessica’s frown deepens.

“Am I okay?” Taeyeon manages to get out. Her throat feels raw, and her voice is hoarse, raspy, completely unlike her own. “The only thing that matters here is if you’re okay.”

“We’ve already established that I’m fine.” Jessica looks at her with worry. “You don’t look very fine though. My doctor just left, do you want me to call her back? She can take a look at you.”

“Jessica—” Taeyeon means to say more, but she can’t get out any more words through the lump in her throat. She sees in her peripheral vision the girls exchanging significant looks with each other, and then suddenly Tiffany announces, “It looks like you two have something to talk about. We’ll give you some time together,” and then they all file out of the hospital room, some of them tossing glances over their shoulders, ranging from worried to knowing.

“Come here,” Jessica says softly, patting the space beside her. Taeyeon’s legs take her to Jessica’s bedside, and she hesitates briefly before shuffling onto the bed beside her, right by Jessica’s side and yet still not close enough for her liking. “Taeyeon, the doctor said I’m going to be fine. It’s just a mild concussion. I’ll recover in no time.”

Taeyeon nods and swallows, her throat still thick. She doesn’t know if she can speak. “Jessica,” she says again, able to say that at least, and Jessica just looks at her, eyes soft and dark.

“You look worse than I do,” Jessica says. “Are you sure you don’t want to get the doctor?”

Taeyeon shakes her head. “I’m fine. Well, I will be when you are.”

Jessica’s expression freezes momentarily, but her eyes are as lively as ever, flickering from Taeyeon’s face to the plain white bedspread and then back. “I am fine. So you should be too.” She touches Taeyeon’s forehead gently, fleetingly. “You know, I should be taking it easy, relaxing, recovering. Worrying isn’t good for me. So you should stop giving me so much to worry about, okay?”

“What am I giving you to worry about?”

“You,” Jessica says simply. “You should really look in a mirror right now, Taeyeon. You look terrible. Are you sure you didn’t—” Suddenly she winces and her hand flies to her temple as she holds her head in obvious pain.

Taeyeon almost has a panic attack. She flies to her feet and looks for the alarm button to call the nurse over, but Jessica calls out her name, her voice strained but firm.

“I’m alright, the doctor warned me I might have headaches.” Jessica touches her arm. “Calm down. It’s ok.”

Taeyeon takes a few breaths, and when Jessica tugs on her arm again, she retakes her seat on Jessica’s bed.

“You really are an ahjumma,” Jessica says. “You’re going to give me a heart attack with reactions like that.”

“Sorry.” Taeyeon bites her lip. Jessica gives her a faint smile and lies down again, closing her eyes for a moment.

“It’s weird,” Jessica says through a yawn. “I felt so energetic a few minutes ago, and now I feel like I could fall asleep.”

“Do you want me to call the doc—”

“No, Taeyeon, it’s fine.” Jessica gives her an exasperated look. “I think it’s the stuff they gave me. My head was really killing me earlier.”

“It was?” Taeyeon asks anxiously. “It’s not hurting anymore, is it?”

Jessica rolls her eyes. “You know what’s giving me a headache right now? You.”

“I’m sorry,” Taeyeon says contritely. “I’ll leave you to get some rest.” She stands up and turns for the door, but Jessica grabs her wrist with a startlingly strong grip.

“No, don’t go.” Jessica’s voice is so quiet Taeyeon has to strain to hear it. “Stay with me. Please.”

“Okay,” Taeyeon says in a voice that’s barely any louder. “I’ll stay.”

Jessica’s smile is serene, and with her hair loose around her, especially dark against the pallor of her skin and the white of the pillowcase, she looks—angelic, almost. Taeyeon swallows, overwhelmed with a surge of protectiveness. She couldn’t protect Jessica before, and she’s determined to do it now.

“Sica?” she asks hesitantly, but Jessica’s already asleep, breathing slow and even, her hands twisted around the sheets rather than in her usual posture of one arm stretched over her head. Taeyeon carefully tucks the blankets in around her, making sure she’s well-covered, and when she tries to loosen the death grip Jessica has on the sheets with one hand, Jessica’s fingers suddenly unfurl and then curl around hers, holding tight.

Taeyeon looks down on their joined hands, knowing that she could break free without stirring Jessica, but she doesn’t try to. Instead, she retakes her seat on the bed close to Jessica, and she realizes that this is where she wants to be, by Jessica’s side.

That’s how the rest of the girls find them a few minutes later, when they return, and if they find it strange to see Jessica sleeping while holding Taeyeon’s hand, they don’t comment on it.

Chapter Text

Taeyeon watches from the doorway as Jessica’s parents fuss over her, her mom’s eyes still red-rimmed, while her dad keeps moving around like he’s incapable of standing still. Krystal’s voice, higher-pitched than usual, pours from the phone set on speaker sitting on Jessica’s lap.

Jessica keeps repeating that she’s okay, exasperation leaking into her voice along with the occasional English word, but she doesn’t actually look too annoyed. Some colour has come back into her face, and other than the fact that she’s in a hospital bed, there isn’t really a sign that she’s hurt at all.

Taeyeon doesn’t need to be reminded though. She remembers just fine, and she doesn’t think she’ll forget it anytime soon.

With a lump still in her throat, she turns away from the room and lets her legs carry her aimlessly down the hall. Jessica’s family is there with her, a circle of concern, and there’s no place for anyone else. (There’s no place for her.)

If Taeyeon had looked back, she would’ve seen Jessica’s eyes following her and Jessica opening her mouth, as if to call out her name.

“Sungkook oppa said we have to go soon,” Sunkyu says, joining Taeyeon in front of the vending machine. “He sounded sorry about it, and he’s worried about Sica too, but—”

“Yeah, I know.” Taeyeon’s eyes scan over the options. For a hospital vending machine, there’s a surprisingly wide selection, from juice to milk to energy drinks. “We’ve been in this company long enough. I know.”

Sunkyu purses her lips slightly, but she doesn’t say anything. Taeyeon isn’t complaining, just stating a fact, one that they’ve all long acknowledged, silently and solemnly.

“Do you want anything?” Taeyeon asks absently. “They have chocolate milk.”

“No, I’m fine, but maybe get Fany one. She’s been chewing on her lip so hard I think it’s going to bleed soon. At least she’ll have a straw to chew on.”

Taeyeon mechanically feeds some money in, and as she starts to press the button for chocolate milk, Sunkyu grabs her wrist.

“Taeyeon, this isn’t like you.”

“What? Buying from a vending machine?”

“No.” Sunkyu frowns and presses another button on the vending machine. “You know Tiffany likes strawberry milk.”

“Oh, that’s right.” Taeyeon hears a clunk and watches as Sunkyu reaches in to grab the pink carton. “She does.”

“Okay, you need to stop this,” Sunkyu says firmly. “Jessica has a mild concussion, okay? Not a brain tumour. She’ll be fine.”

“I know that.” Taeyeon does know that. She knows that Jessica isn’t seriously injured, that she’ll recover soon enough, that she wouldn’t like Taeyeon worrying like this, but she can’t help it. She can’t. “I just – I—”

“You care about her,” Sunkyu finishes, her tone gentler now. “I know you do. We all do. But we aren’t all freaking out like you.”

“I’m not freaking out,” Taeyeon mutters, but her protest sounds weak to her own ears.

“You’re freaking out,” Sunkyu says. “It isn’t like you. You’re usually scarily calm.”

“I guess I’m not being my usual self then.”

“That’s putting it lightly,” Sunkyu says with a chuckle, but there isn’t any real humour in her voice. “You’re reacting a lot worse than the last time something like this happened, actually.”

“The last time?” Taeyeon repeats, confused. “When did something like this happen?”

“When that man grabbed you and started pulling you offstage,” Sunkyu says quietly, and it all comes back to Taeyeon.

It’s been years, but she still can’t forget how it felt, to have him gripping her arm, pulling her away from the stage, from the girls, to be frozen with shock and distress. She had been so helpless, so weak. For almost a week afterward, she could still feel the clasp of his fingers on her arm, could almost see bruises welling, even though her skin had been unmarred.

The incident hadn’t left any physical marks on her at all, but it left an imprint that, even now, she could still feel.

“Does this remind you of that time?” Sunkyu asks. “Is that why—”

“I haven’t even thought about it until you brought it up,” Taeyeon says honestly. She rubs her arm idly, where he had grabbed her, and remembers Sunkyu coming to her rescue, followed by the MC, and she wonders what would’ve happened if nobody helped her. How far he would’ve taken her, what he would’ve done to her. The memory of her weakness, her uselessness, still disgusts and shames her.

Sunkyu looks apologetic. “I’m sorry about bringing it up.”

“It’s okay.” Taeyeon smiles a little. “If it weren’t for you…who knows what would’ve happened.”

“I was your knight in shining armour, wasn’t I?” Sunkyu says lightly.

“You sure were. My knight in a shining dress.”

Sunkyu laughs a little, and there’s even a trace of mirth in there. “You shouldn’t feel bad that you couldn’t be Jessica’s knight in a shining dress, you know,” she says, her voice still light, but with a serious edge. “There isn’t anything you could’ve done. You’re not a psychic; you couldn’t have seen it coming.”

“I know, but.” Taeyeon sighs, but it doesn’t release the pressure in her chest.

“But what?” Sunkyu asks softly.

“I don’t know.” Taeyeon trains her eyes on the carton of strawberry milk in Sunkyu’s hands. It’s probably warm by this rate. That wouldn’t be very nice to drink. “I’m tired of being helpless, I guess.”

“Taeyeon.” Her name is a sigh from Sunkyu’s lips, a sigh containing equal measures of concern and frustration. “Why do you always blame yourself for everything? This wasn’t your fault. And what happened before, that definitely wasn’t your fault either.”

“I know it wasn’t my fault. I just—”

“Taeyeon, Sunkyu,” Sungkook says briskly, coming around the corner. “Are you girls ready to go?”

Sunkyu looks at him pleadingly. “Can’t we stay a little longer?”

“We have to go now,” Sungkook says, his voice gentle but firm. “Jessica’s parents are here with her. She’s in good hands. I know you girls are worried; I’m worried too, but there isn’t anything we can do just by being here anyway.”

“Oppa, Jessica needs her rest,” Taeyeon says. “She’ll get it, right? You won’t…” Make her come back right away. Push her before she’s ready. Cut short her recovery. Of course she knows that Sungkook wouldn’t want to do that; he cares about Jessica, he cares about all of them, almost like they’re his daughters, but at the end of the day this is his job, they’re his job, and it’s almost easy to forget that fact but Taeyeon knows she shouldn’t.

“I want what’s the best for Jessica, just like you do.” Sungkook pats Taeyeon on the shoulder, his expression understanding, reassuring. “It’ll be alright, Taeyeon. You don’t have to look so worried.”

“I think that look is stuck on her face, oppa,” Sunkyu says. “We haven’t seen anything outside of it this whole day.”

“Well, that’s not good.” He clucks his tongue. “I’m sure your smile would be dearly missed, Taeyeon.”

“I’m not Tiffany, at least.” Taeyeon glances at the vending machine, a crumpled bill still in her fist, and she sees that there’s only one bottle left of green Gatorade. It’s not green apple, like she assumed, but lime cucumber.

She can’t bear to look at it any longer, and her hand tightens around the money in her hand as she and Sunkyu follow Sungkook down the corridor, until the bill is crushed beyond salvation.

None of them talk much on the van. Sooyoung tries to engage Taeyeon in some light-hearted chatter at first, but all Taeyeon contributes is an occasional “hmm” and “yeah”, and Sooyoung eventually gives up. Sunkyu asks Taeyeon if she wants the strawberry milk (Tiffany said she wasn’t thirsty), and Taeyeon says no, not just because she prefers chocolate. Sunkyu plays with the carton for a while with the absentminded manner of someone who just wants to occupy her hands, but she keeps the straw where it is.

Hyoyeon is listening to music, which Taeyeon thinks is a pretty smart idea. Music is one of the only things that let her block the world out now, although sometimes, in many ways, it feels like music is her world. Other times, it feels like her life couldn’t have been less about music, which is funny but not really, considering how she’s a singer. (But then again, she’s an idol first and foremost, and there’s a difference.)

Tiffany spends most of the ride looking out the window, although her eyes look distant and Taeyeon doubts she really sees what’s out there. Yuri puts an arm around her and pulls her closer, and Tiffany lets her head fall onto Yuri’s shoulder, her hair falling like a curtain around herface, hiding her expression from them.

Yoona’s face is completely blank, something that she’s mastered as an actress. The expression reminds Taeyeon of Jessica, and she feels an additional throb on top of the tightness in her chest. Juhyun is clutching her Keroro keychain, something Jessica won in a toy claw machine during their trainee days, with white-knuckled fingers. She doesn’t actually keep her keys on it anymore, but she’s kept it with her for years.

Taeyeon understands. She still has the ticket stub from one reckless sunny day when they snuck to the amusement park without their managers’ knowledge or permission, faces clean of makeup and lit up with the prospect of freedom. Taeyeon had almost gone deaf from all the lecturing they endured after they came back (as the leader, she got an extra heavy dose), but it was worth it.

Those angry, disappointed words were a worthy price to pay for that afternoon of playing and laughing, of finally being in the public eye without scrutiny, without staring, without fans swarming up and closing in like a claustrophobic tide. Perhaps for ordinary people, it wouldn’t have been a particularly memorable day, but for Taeyeon, for them, it was and still is something significant, something special. That’s why she’s kept the ticket stub even until today, after all.

They have more freedom now (they’re allowed to date, for one, and they’re more personally involved with their music), and Taeyeon can’t help but wonder what the price for it is, and if it’s worth paying.

Chapter Text

Hyoyeon and Yuri make dinner, and it’s as good as usual, but Taeyeon doesn’t have an appetite. She takes a bowl to appease them, but all she does is push around the food with her chopsticks.

“If you aren’t going to eat that, you might as well throw it out,” Hyoyeon says. “It won’t go away if you keep doing that, you know.”

Taeyeon gives her a slightly guilty look. “It’s not that it isn’t good. I’m just not hungry.”

“I know.” Hyoyeon pushes a glass of water towards her. “Here, drink that. You haven’t drunk anything all day.”

“I could go for something stronger than water,” Taeyeon says, only half-jokingly. She’s not thirsty, but she takes a sip anyway. Maybe it would make them stop looking at her like that, their eyes full of concern, like she’s the one who’s hurt instead of Jessica, whose missing seat looks unbearably conspicuous. “I think I’ll head to bed early,” she says, standing up and pushing back her chair. “Thanks for dinner. You can leave the dishes; I’ll do them tomorrow.”

“Unnie,” Yoona speaks up. “Are you sure you’ll be able to fall sleep?”

Taeyeon very much doubts it, but she isn’t going to tell them that. “I’m tired,” she says evasively, which is true enough. “There’s no point in me being here and bringing all your moods down, is there?”

“We all know you’re just going to lie on your bed and think more about it,” Tiffany says. She’s barely touched her food as well, although she’s made more progress than Taeyeon. “Why don’t you just—talk to us?” Her eyes are pained, and her bottom lip is bitten almost raw.

“I don’t think there’s anything to say—”

“You always say that.” Tiffany’s chopsticks clatter loudly against her bowl when she sets them down; one slips and falls onto the ground. Taeyeon starts to reach for it, but Tiffany catches her wrist, stopping her. “You never want to talk.”

Taeyeon speaks carelessly, rashly, without thinking. “Well, maybe you should take the hint then.”

Tiffany’s face turns white, and Taeyeon belatedly realizes what she said. She pales too, and not for the first time, wishes that there’s such a thing as a time machine.

“Fany,” she starts, tongue weighed down by guilt, mouth bitter with regret.

“You’re right,” Tiffany says quietly. “Maybe I should take the hint.” She picks up the fallen chopstick from the floor, sets it on the table, and walks away expressionlessly.

Taeyeon can feel six pairs of eyes on her; she feels the silence prick at her ears, wrap around her, threaten to choke her, and she leaves before it utterly engulfs her.

In the bathroom, with the door closed and locked, she clutches the sink with a white-knuckled grip and stares into the mirror. Only one pair of eyes looks back at her, slightly wide and even darker than usual, but she can still feel the weight of all their stares.

Tiffany hadn’t looked back at her at all, not even once, and Taeyeon wonders what she would have seen in Tiffany’s eyes.

Taeyeon doesn’t feel like answering her phone, but when she sees the caller ID, she finds herself incapable of not picking up.

“Hello?” Her voice comes out flat and listless.

Her caller’s voice is flat too, and just a bit drier than usual. “I’ll just cut straight to the point here.”

“No ‘hi, how are you’?”

“Hi, how are you,” Jessica says. “I heard you screwed up.”

“Yeah.” Taeyeon gives a mirthless chuckle. “I’m good at that.”

“Taeyeon.” Jessica’s voice is gentler now. “It’s not the end of the world, you know. It’s Tiffany, she’ll forgive you.”

Taeyeon knows that, she knows that Tiffany would forgive her without incident if she just apologizes, that even if she doesn’t, Tiffany will probably approach her anyway and they would work it out. Tiffany is great at holding on, in many aspects, but she doesn’t hold on to grudges, to resentment.

She’s not like Taeyeon, in that aspect.

“I’m sorry,” Taeyeon says quietly.

“That’s nice, now go say it to Fany.”

“No, I mean—”

“Taeyeon.” Something about the way Jessica says her name makes Taeyeon fall silent. “Do you remember what I said earlier?”

“When is ‘earlier’?”

“I told you not to make me worry.” Jessica clucks her tongue. “And you’re doing a terrible job at it, I have to say.”

Taeyeon swallows, her throat thick with guilt as the image of Jessica, pale and small in that hospital bed, returns to her. “I’m sorry,” she repeats, her voice dropping, almost fading away. “I shouldn’t have – you should be resting, not worrying about me.”

“Yeah, that’s what I was thinking too.”

“You shouldn’t be worrying about me. I don’t want you to worry about me.”

“Why not?” Jessica asks offhandedly.

“I just—don’t.” Taeyeon pauses, wets her lips. “I’m not worth worrying about.”

“Taeyeon.” There’s a note of something close to anger in Jessica’s voice now. “Don’t even go there.”

“Go where?”

“If you’re not worth worrying about, what do you think you’re worth, exactly?”

I’m not worth what you think I am. I’m not worth you guys; I don’t deserve you, I never have.

Taeyeon tries to steer the conversation down a lighter path. “I don’t know, how much did our last tour make?”

“Kim Taeyeon, you’re worth a hell of a lot, okay?” Jessica says. “A hell of a lot.” Her voice softens, although it’s still firm and unyielding. “Don’t doubt that.”

“Jessica—”

“Don’t doubt that,” Jessica repeats. “Believe me.”

Taeyeon bites her lip and releases a breath she didn’t know she was holding. Rationally, she knows that the two phrases almost mean the same thing, but somehow, the way Jessica says the latter makes it sound heavier, more significant, a weight that is comforting instead of burdening.

“I believe you,” she says softly.

Jessica exhales too. “Good. Don’t let me catch you saying something stupid like that again. If I have to beat some sense into you, I will.”

Taeyeon smiles. “Is that a threat?”

“No, it’s a promise.”

The word ‘promise’ reminds her of another promise she made, of intertwined pinkies and mirrored smiles, and the memory makes her smile widen briefly before it slips away.

“Jessica—” she starts, just as Jessica says “Taeyeon” at the exact same time. Taeyeon clears her throat. “You first.”

“You’re going to talk to Tiffany, right?” Jessica asks, rather brusquely.

“Yeah,” Taeyeon sighs. “I think a talk between us has been a long time coming.”

“You’re going to tell her, then?”

“I don’t want to,” Taeyeon admits. “I don’t ever want to tell her.”

“I think—she already knows,” Jessica says delicately. “It wasn’t that hard to see.”

“I guess I was always worse at hiding my feelings than I thought.”

Jessica’s silent for a long moment. “It’s not such a gift,” she says quietly, “being able to hide how you feel.”

“What do you mean?”

Jessica doesn’t reply, doesn’t make a single sound. The silence stretches on for so long that Taeyeon almost thinks Jessica hung up on her.

Finally, Jessica speaks. “I mean, we all have masks. Don’t you think so?”

“Yeah.” Sometimes Taeyeon feels like she’s just the result of one mask pasted over another, and she think that if you wear a mask long enough, eventually your face become that mask. Eventually it’ll swallow you. “I think so.”

“That’s why we have each other,” Jessica says. “We can see through each other’s masks and we remind each other that we’re wearing them, so we don’t become them.”

Taeyeon thinks that’s an excellent way to put it, but. “I can’t see through your mask.”

“Can’t you?” Jessica murmurs. “I don’t think I’m that good of an actress.”

“Well, you are,” Taeyeon says with frustration. “You’re so hard to read.”

“I’m glad.” There’s a hint of a smile in Jessica’s voice, along with something else, something heavier and sadder. “It wouldn’t be fun if you knew everything about me.”

“But I want to,” Taeyeon says, her voice tinged with frustration. “I’m tired of not being able to get you.”

“It’s kind of funny how you’re saying that,” Jessica says flippantly, “given how little you let us in. It’s not fun to be on the other side of the door, is it?”

Taeyeon opens her mouth to give a retort, but she realizes that she doesn’t have one. Jessica’s right. She shouldn’t be complaining about someone being hard to understand; it would be the epitome of the pot calling the kettle black.

“I didn’t realize the door was bolted shut. I always thought that it was open a crack.”

“Maybe a really tiny crack that’s hard to see through.”

Taeyeon finds herself smiling without volition again. Jessica’s good at doing that to her. “I guess we should both work on our eyesight then.”

“I guess so.”

Taeyeon hears voices talking in the background, a woman calling Jessica by her Korean name, and then Jessica’s voice, muffled, as if she’s set the phone down.

“Taengoo,” Jessica says, and Taeyeon realizes that it’s the first time Jessica called her that this whole conversation. “I have to go. My mom is—being a mom. She made me some nasty health soup thing that she wants me to drink.”

“Well, make sure you drink it all.”

“She almost put cucumbers in it.” Jessica sounds so appalled that Taeyeon has to laugh.

“I’m sorry cucumbers exist.”

“So am I,” Jessica sighs. “Well, that’s the way the world is. See you later, Taengoo.”

“Bye, Sica.” Taeyeon ends the call, holding her phone for a moment longer. She puts it down and looks at her closed bedroom door. She can almost see the short steps it would take her past it, down the hallway and to a room that she can’t avoid for much longer.

She stands up and puts her hand on the doorknob. It’s time she stopped running away. This time she would walk into the storm rather than trying to hide from it.

“Tiffany?” Taeyeon raps her knuckles purposefully on Tiffany’s bedroom door. “Miyoung. Please let me in. I need to talk to you.”

Tiffany doesn’t take long to open the door. She looks at Taeyeon with those dark, deep eyes of hers, eyes that seem to get darker and deeper the longer you look into them, and yet you couldn’t look away.

“You never call me Miyoung anymore,” she notes offhandedly.

“Does it bother you when I call you that?”

“No, it doesn’t bother me.”

Tiffany opens the door a little wider, a silent invitation. Taeyeon steps into her room, which she’s been in as many times as she’s been in her own, and yet suddenly it feels a bit like a foreign territory. Tiffany shuts the door behind them.

“Taeyeon, I need to tell you something. Please just sit and listen for a bit, okay?”

“Okay,” Taeyeon says slowly. She starts towards the chair, but Tiffany takes a seat on the bed and pats the spot beside her, and Taeyeon joins her without another word.

“First of all, you don’t have to apologize,” Tiffany says in a calm, quiet, utterly unlike her voice. “You were right. I don’t—know how to take hints well enough.”

“Tiffany,” Taeyeon protests. “I didn’t—”

“You said you would be quiet and listen to me,” Tiffany reminds her, and she falls silent. She’s always been bad at denying Tiffany things. “I know I don’t listen to people, and especially to you, as much I should. I’m too loud, aren’t I? I drown out the voices of people around me.”

Taeyeon can’t keep quiet. “Don’t talk about yourself like that.”

“Like what?”

“You’re loud, but you’re not ignorant. You talk more than me, but I know you hear me just fine, I know you listen to me.”

“And you know,” Tiffany says suddenly, “that I love you, right?”

“Yes,” Taeyeon says slowly. “I know that.”

“Sometimes I felt like you didn’t,” Tiffany says, her eyes on her lap. “Sometimes I wanted to tell you that, tell you those exact words, but I-I thought it would have hurt you.”

“Because I was in love with you?” The words are startlingly easy to say. She’s kept them locked up for so long inside her that she thought they would tear something on their way out, but she feels okay. She feels okay.

“Yes,” Tiffany replies, and there it is, it’s all out now. Tiffany knows. Tiffany knew. For how long, Taeyeon doesn’t know, and she doesn’t want to know. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.” Taeyeon’s voice is thick, and it refuses to cooperate with her when she tries to calm it. She’s always prided herself on her vocal control, but of course at a time like this it’s like she doesn’t have any at all. “You can’t help how you feel.”

Tiffany lifts her eyes and looks at Taeyeon. “But you’re not in love with me anymore.”

“No, I’m not.”

Tiffany exhales, less than a sigh, more than a breath. It stirs the air between them, which feels lighter, clearer.

“That’s what you wanted, isn’t it?” Taeyeon asks.

She had been in love with Tiffany for years; long, painful and yet beautiful years, filled with yearning, with hurt, with the desperate desire to shed feelings that clung to her and refused to relinquish her. And for Tiffany, those years must have been filled with pity, probably guilt. Yet Tiffany never talked to her about them, not until now, that Taeyeon’s let go of those feelings at last. (Or rather, that they’ve let go of her.)

Tiffany’s voice is even. “I want you to be happy.”

Taeyeon’s chuckle leaves a bitter taste in her mouth. “Yeah, that’s what everyone has been telling me.”

“It’s not easy to be happy, is it?” There’s a note in Tiffany’s voice that tells Taeyeon she’s speaking very much from experience.

“Jooyoung oppa told me that it’s easier to be sad than it is to be happy.” She searches Tiffany’s expression. “Are you sad?”

“No, I don’t think I’m sad.” Tiffany’s expression is hard to describe; Taeyeon settles on lost, although she doesn’t think it’s a great fit. “I don’t think I’m very happy either.”

“What’s wrong?”

Tiffany shakes her head. “I don’t know what’s wrong. I don’t even think anything is wrong, but I-I have this feeling.”

“You’re confusing me,” Taeyeon admits.

“I’m confusing myself too.” Tiffany runs a hand through her hair and gives a smile that’s a shadow of her usual ones. “If I figure out the problem, I’ll tell you about it, okay?”

“Yes, do that.” Taeyeon thinks that she really doesn’t have any right to tell Tiffany to talk to her, to tell anyone to talk to her, but then again, she’s Tiffany’s best friend and maybe that gives her the right. “Tiffany. I’m sorry.”

“I just want you to open up sometimes,” Tiffany says quietly. “You have so much going on in your head all the time. I wish that we could, that I could, help you with some of it, that’s all.”

“I do open up to you. I open up to you and Sunkyu the most out of anyone.”

“And Jessi.”

“And Jessica.”

“Taeyeon,” Tiffany says softly. “I just want you to be happy.”

The guilt has been lifted from her, only to be replaced by Tiffany’s concern, which is no lighter, no easier to bear.

“I know that. I’m trying, Fany. I’m trying.”

Tiffany’s smile is faint and tired, but real. “That’s all I can ask of you then.”

“I thought you said ‘there is do or do not, there is no try’.”

“Sometimes, trying is all we can do.” Tiffany shrugs. “And sometimes, it’s not that we don’t try hard enough, it’s that we’re not trying in the right direction.”

“Do you think I’m trying in the right direction?”

“I don’t know, TaeTae. Do you think you are?”

“The only direction I know is towards you guys,” Taeyeon says honestly, “but you want me to show you the way. I don’t know the way, Fany, I’ve never known.”

“But you’ve led us down the right path anyway.”

“I don’t think I’ve led you anywhere. I think—”

“I think you ask of yourself more than we ask of you, Taeyeon,” Tiffany says gently. “You’re our leader, maybe you think it’s just a label, and maybe some days that’s all it is. Maybe you think it’s a burden, and I’m sorry if you think that, I’m sorry if you’re weighed down by it. But – you’re our leader, and you’ve done more than you realize, you’ve done so much for us. You haven’t let us down, okay?”

Taeyeon swallows and manages to nod somehow. “Okay.”

“Remember that,” Tiffany says, still gentle but firm. “Please.”

“I-I will,” Taeyeon says, and she wonders if this is what faith is, the belief in something that you can’t fully grasp, the hold that something intangible has on you. “I’ll remember.”

It’s easier to be sad than it is to be happy. It’s easier to be afraid than it is to be brave. And it’s easier to forget than it is to remember.

But Jooyoung was right, Taeyeon’s never taken the easy way out, and she won’t start now.

Chapter Text

Taeyeon and Tiffany walk to the living room together, and Taeyeon sees relief flash across the faces of the other girls, although not surprise. Fights aren’t uncommon between the two of them; it doesn’t take a lot for them to get into one, but also it doesn’t take a lot for them to make up.

Taeyeon clears her throat. “I think – I know we haven’t had one of these in a while, but I think it’d be a good time for a talk.”

They used to have their so-called five minute talks (although they usually lasted for more than an hour) very often, talks that Taeyeon would initiate and conclude even though she liked talking the least out of them.

She wouldn’t go so far as to say that she used to dread these talks, but she didn’t look forward to them, she didn’t think she could live up to the expectations in their faces, answer the questions in their eyes. But then again, there was also faith in their expressions, faith in her that she always thought was misplaced, undeserved, but maybe…maybe it isn’t after all.

She looks at them, at her girls, her family, and she feels such a swell of affection that she worries it will choke her. But it doesn’t; in fact, it calms her. They calm her, they reassure her, they ground her. She loves them. There are so many things that she could say about them, so many that she isn’t even sure how to say them, but there is one simple and yet comprehensive certainty among those things, and that is this: she loves them.

She only wishes that the seven faces looking at her, still with expectations and questions, with concern, but also with faith…she only wishes that seven would be eight, that together they would be nine.

But Jessica will be back soon, and then they’ll be complete again, nine, the way they should be.

“What did you want to talk about, unnie?” Juhyun asks gently, once they settle on and around the couch in a semi-circle of sorts, a parenthesis. Their living room isn’t set up like their old dorm, where they often all sat down in a circle on the floor, but this formation works alright too.

“Well, first of all, I know I’ve been—difficult, and I’m sorry about that.” Taeyeon knots her fingers together and sets them on her lap. “I’ve been worried about Jessica. I mean, I know we all are, but I’ve been…especially worried.”

“We know, Taeyeon.” Sunkyu’s voice is gentle too. “But you feel better now, right? I mean, after you talked to her.”

“How did you know I—” But of course Jessica isn’t a psychic, and she couldn’t have known about what happened unless someone told her. Judging by Sunkyu’s small smile, it’s clear who that someone is. “Yeah, I do feel better.”

“That’s good,” Sunkyu says simply.

“And anyway, I’m sorry if I’ve been taking it out on you guys,” Taeyeon continues. She isn’t sure what she wants to say, to be honest, but she needs to say something, and maybe once she gets started, they would be able to help her finish. “I didn’t mean to worry you.”

“That’s what you always say,” Sooyoung says wryly.

“It’s kind of my trademark, I guess.”

“I’m glad you talked to us about this, unnie,” Yoona says, with that earnestness of hers. “I don’t think you’ve been taking it out on us; I think you’ve been taking it out on yourself. It’s not good to keep everything bottled up inside, you know.”

“Yeah.” Taeyeon gives a wry smile. “So I’ve heard.”

“That’s kind of your trademark too, though, isn’t it?” Hyoyeon says offhandedly.

“Yeah, so I’ve heard.”

“We just don’t want you to carry everything yourself, Taengoo,” Yuri says, “because you don’t have to. We’re a group, you know. You’re our leader, but you’re still one of us, you should know that we’re always here for you.”

Tiffany gives Yuri a grateful kind of look, as if thanking her for her words, before turning her eyes to Taeyeon. “Always,” she reaffirms.

Taeyeon smiles, and to her embarrassment, feels a hot, stinging kind of pressure behind her eyes. She knows the sign of impending tears, but this time, unlike most, she doesn’t try to hold them back.

“Thank you,” she says, her voice half a whisper, but no less sincere because of it.

Tiffany puts her arms around Taeyeon, and she’s joined by Yuri, and then Sunkyu, and then they’ve turned into a big tangle of limbs and torsos that’s less like a hug and more like different parts of a whole coming together.

It’s definitely not the worst way to end off one of these talks.

“It’s good that you came to see Sooyeon,” Mrs. Jung says as she ushers Taeyeon through the door. “She hasn’t said so, but I can tell that she’s missed you all.”

“We’ve missed her too,” Taeyeon says, changing into slippers that Mrs. Jung set out for her. “How is she feeling? Is she better?”

“Oh, yes, she’s a lot better, but she just stays in bed all day and demands pizza and hamburgers and whatever else she’s feeling like.” Mrs. Jung sighs. “I’ve raised such a spoiled child.”

Taeyeon laughs. “I think she deserves to be spoiled, given the circumstances.” She breathes easier, knowing that Jessica’s doing well.

“It is nice to have her home though. It’s not easy having both my children as idols, you know.”

“I’m sure it’s not.” Her parents only have one child who’s an idol, and it’s hard enough on them. She knows how proud they are of her, how happy they are for her, but she also knows they’ve wished more than once that she’s chosen an easier path. Then again, she’s wished more than once for that too.

“I feel like I haven’t spent this much time with her in a long time,” Mrs. Jung says wistfully. “It’s so nice to be able to have some time with my daughter, but to know that the reason we’ve had this time is because…” She trails off.

Taeyeon swallows. “Mrs. Jung—”

“Just call me ‘ahjumma’, Taeyeon, don’t be so formal.”

“Ahjumma,” Taeyeon corrects, and Mrs. Jung smiles. Her smile is rather like her older daughter’s; she doesn’t just smile with her mouth, but with her whole face, with her eyes and a light in and beyond them. “I just—want to apologize.”

“Apologize?” Mrs. Jung sounds bewildered. “For what?”

“For what happened, for Jessica getting hurt.”

“Why would you apologize for that? It certainly wasn’t your fault.”

“It wasn’t my fault, but I should have done more. Something like that shouldn’t have happened.” Taeyeon swallows again. “I’m sorry.”

Mrs. Jung’s eyes soften. “Don’t be sorry, Taeyeon. Just take care of my daughter, okay?”

“I will,” Taeyeon promises. “I’ll try my best.”

“She’ll be happy that you’re here. I remember how happy she was to talk to you on the phone earlier.”

Taeyeon starts. “She was happy to talk to me?”

“Well, it was either that or she just randomly smiles whenever she’s calling someone.” There’s a twinkle in Mrs. Jung’s eyes. “Sooyeon’s missed you all, Taeyeon, but I’m sure she’s especially missed you.”

Taeyeon’s mouth feels dry. She wets her lips and swallows yet again, but it doesn’t really help. “I’ve missed her too,” she says, and it’s only a one-word change from what she said before, but for some reason the sentence feels different leaving her mouth. “I hope she’s enjoying her rest, but I-I want her back with us.”

“I’m sure that’s what she wants too.” Mrs. Jung waves towards the stairs. “You’re probably tired of talking to me. Sooyeon’s right up there, just turn left and her room is the first one you’ll see.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Ju—ahjumma,” Taeyeon says politely, still unsure of what to make of what Mrs. Jung told her. She takes the stairs a little slower than she usually does, not realizing that she’s holding onto the railing until she’s at the top. She takes a left and raises her hand to knock, but the door’s already open and there’s someone standing right behind it.

Taeyeon’s face splits into a smile before she even realizes it. “Sica.”

“Taeyeon,” Jessica greets calmly, coolly. Her voice and her face are both strangely impassive. Taeyeon falters, wondering if she did something wrong, if Jessica doesn’t want her to be here, but then Jessica turns and walks into her room, clearly waiting for Taeyeon to follow.

Taeyeon hovers awkwardly for a moment, before she takes the swivel chair by Jessica’s desk. It’s made of soft leather and very comfortable, but she feels stiff-backed and rather tense in it.

“I heard you’re feeling better.”

“I am,” Jessica replies. She sits down on the bed, slowly and a little gingerly, like she’s uncomfortable.

“Did I come at a bad time?” Taeyeon asks hesitantly.

“What? No, no it’s fine.” Jessica smiles a little, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “I’m just thinking about something.”

Taeyeon thinks that Mrs. Jung was wrong; Jessica definitely doesn’t seem very happy that she’s here.

“I can come back at a better time,” she offers, “if you want.”

Jessica tilts her head to the side. “You don’t have to be here if you don’t want to,” she says casually. “I didn’t ask you to come.”

Taeyeon feels something drop in her chest, or maybe her stomach, something cold and heavy, like an anchor sinking.

“Do you want me to leave?”

“It’s not that.” Jessica exhales, the sound full of frustration. “I just—”

“What is it?”

Jessica’s jaw clenches and sets. “I don’t want your pity.”

Taeyeon stares at her. “What?”

“I don’t want you to be here because you’re sorry for me, because you’re worried about me.”

Taeyeon shakes her head. “That’s not why I’m here.”

“Then why are you?” Jessica asks flatly.

“Because”—it shouldn’t be hard to get out, given how true it is, but maybe that’s part of why—“because I care about you.”

“Really?” Jessica asks quietly. “Do you really?”

“What kind of question is that?” Taeyeon is the frustrated one now. “Do you really need to ask that?”

Jessica looks pale, her eyes black and bleak against her face, and when she bites her lip and look away, Taeyeon feels something wrench inside her; something sharp, something painful.

“I care about you,” Taeyeon repeats, softer, “and I want you back as soon as possible. We need you.”

“Do you?” Jessica’s voice is so quiet that Taeyeon has to strain her ears to hear her. “Do you really need me? I don’t think I’m irreplaceable.”

“You are,” Taeyeon tells her, wondering how Jessica can still ask a question like that at this point, six years after debut, six years of showing why she could never be replaced or discarded. “Of course you’re irreplaceable. There’s no one like you, not even close.”

Jessica doesn’t say anything. She’s looking down and picking at the bedspread now, her hair swinging over her face, a dark curtain that makes her already pale face look whiter than ever. She looks tired and young and fragile, and Taeyeon doesn’t like seeing her like this, like all the weight they’ve been bearing for years and years has crashed down on her shoulders and she’s close to snapping under it.

“Does your head hurt?” Taeyeon asks, hunting for reasons why Jessica looks like this.

Jessica doesn’t look at her when she replies. “No, it doesn’t.”

“Does anything else hurt?”

“Taeyeon.” Jessica’s mouth curves up in the shadow of a smile. “You’re terrible at this, you know.”

“I know,” Taeyeon admits. “I’ve never been good at taking care of people.”

“You’re not so bad at it. You’re a lot better than you think. I mean, you’ve done so much for us over the years.”

“I’m the leader. That’s my job.” She doesn’t think she’s done a particularly good job, but it’s still her job.

“You don’t do it because it’s your job,” Jessica counters. “You do it because you care about us.” Her eyes are soft, and she gives a faint, gentle smile. “I didn’t mean you’re terrible at taking care of people. I meant you’re terrible at saying what you want to say. You always beat around the bush so much.”

Taeyeon didn’t realize how transparent she is, how easily Jessica can see through her. Sometimes she feels like the members know her thoughts better than she does, and it’s kind of a terrifying thought but kind of a reassuring one too.

“I’m not really sure what I want to say,” she admits. “I just want to know if you’re okay.”

“I’m okay.”

“Really?”

Jessica looks at her calmly, steadily, her expression giving away nothing. “Yes, really. I’m fine.” She sighs. “Taeyeon, I know you can do this all day, but – please just say what you want to say.”

“I’m sorry,” Taeyeon mumbles quietly, so quietly she barely hears herself.

“Sorry?” Jessica echoes, her eyebrows flying up. “For what?”

“I said I’d find you a bodyguard, but here you are, hurt, and I-I couldn’t even—”

“Taeyeon.” Jessica’s voice is quiet too, not just quiet but soft. “It’s okay. It’s not like you had a hand in it. You didn’t do anything.”

“Exactly. I didn’t.” She didn’t do anything. She didn’t help Jessica up. She didn’t insist that they should have taken a later flight to let Jessica recover. She didn’t, she didn’t, she didn’t.

“You’re not a superhero. You don’t have to take care of everything, you know. It was an accident, and it’s over. Don’t stress about it.”

It figures that even though Jessica is the one who’s hurt, she’s the one who’s comforting Taeyeon, who’s reassuring her. That’s so very much part of Jessica’s nature. She’s one for extremes. If she doesn’t care about you, she won’t even pretend to give a damn (the way that she acts in front of the cameras; or rather, the way that she doesn’t act), but if she does care…

If she does care, then you’re a very lucky person, because Jessica doesn’t hold back on affection and she gives it her all when it comes to supporting them or protecting them, with an effort that’s effortless.

It’s not something that Taeyeon has thought particularly long or hard about. Really, it’s something that she’s always known, but she’s just never pinpointed it into words before.

“Don’t stress about it,” Jessica repeats, lowering her eyes to the bedspread.

“I’m good at stressing. Sometimes I almost feel like I don’t know how not to stress.” They live in stress, after all. They have so much of it that it can be hard to imagine functioning without it. Sometimes Taeyeon feels like she’s running on it, and it’s a consuming fuel, an unhealthy fuel, but it’s worked for her so far.

“It’s hard,” Jessica agrees, “but it’d be a good thing to learn.”

“You look tired. Have you gotten enough rest?”

“Trust me, all I’ve been doing is sleeping.” It’s probably the first time Taeyeon’s heard Jessica complaining about getting too much sleep, and it would’ve made her smile if it weren’t for the circumstances that led to this.

“Did my company brighten your day, then?” Taeyeon asks lightly. Banter comes easily to her; she and Sunkyu practically communicate in it, and it’s usually not hard to exchange it with Jessica, who’s very witty, but today she hasn’t found it so easy.

Even so, she still prefers teasing to the strange heaviness that’s been suffusing the air between them, like they both feel the weight of words lingering on their tongues, words that they either can’t or won’t say. Maybe both.

“Your company is more enjoyable than staring at the ceiling or the backs of my eyelids, yes.”

“I’m honoured.”

“You should be.”

Bantering is fun with Jessica, fun and blithe and effortless. Well that’s usually the case, anyway, but right now doesn’t feel very usual to Taeyeon. When it comes to sarcasm, nobody can beat Jessica (except maybe Hyoyeon), but when it comes to using it to deflect, nobody can beat Taeyeon (except maybe Jessica).

“Do you—” Taeyeon wets her lips. “Do you mind if I come back?”

“Do you even have enough time in your schedule?”

“I’ll make time.” If Jessica wants her here, she’ll be here, she doesn’t care if she needs to bail out on a radio show or skip a practice to do it. “That is…I mean, if you don’t mind having me here.”

Jessica bites her lip, her eyes flickering up to meet Taeyeon’s for a quick moment before she looks away again. Taeyeon thinks she sees a glimpse of something in Jessica’s eyes, something deep but not dark.

“I don’t mind. You’re not too much of a pain to have around.”

“Gee, thanks,” Taeyeon says wryly, although she feels a lurch of something like relief and disappointment at the same time.

“You don’t have to though, you know,” Jessica says quietly. “I’m fine, it’s not like I’m alone. My parents are around, and so is Soojung sometimes. I’m not as bored as I seem.”

“But are you lonely?”

Jessica’s silence is enough of an answer.

Without thinking about it, Taeyeon gets up from the chair and takes a seat on the bed. She can’t help but remember that the last time she did this, Jessica was in a hospital bed, and…

“I don’t want you to be lonely.” Taeyeon doesn’t really know what she’s saying by this point, and she doesn’t like the feeling. She’s too used to scripted responses, to holding back her real thoughts, and it’s both liberating and burdening to talk like this. “And I don’t want you to be sad either. Like how you didn’t want me to be sad.”

“We’re all sad. It comes with being—what we are.”

Taeyeon can’t deny that, she can’t argue against it, because it’s true, it’s all too true. They signed away so much in their contracts; they signed away years of their lives, their youths, their freedom, and sometimes she feels like they signed away parts of themselves that they’ll never get back. She wonders if once the spotlights are off and the curtains are closed, she could return to being Kim Taeyeon, daughter and sister, instead of Taeyeon, idol and leader.

They have so much because of what they are, and she wonders how much of who they are matter. Do the fans love them for whom they are, or who they want them to be? Are they still who they were, all those years ago, or have they changed to shape themselves into who they think they should be, who others want them to be?

“I think,” Jessica starts, breaking Taeyeon out of her reveries, “you really need to worry about the trouble you could get into when you’re so deep in your head like that.”

“Sorry. I didn’t realize I was—”

“Spacing out?”

“Sorry.”

“It’s ok.” Jessica searches her expression for a moment. “What are you thinking about so intensely, anyway?”

“The group.” She doesn’t want to lie to Jessica, but she can’t tell her the whole truth either. This is the best answer she can give.

“Of course.” Jessica doesn’t sound surprised. “You always think about the group.”

“Don’t you?”

“Of course I do, but…” Jessica pauses, and Taeyeon has a feeling that she’s choosing her words very carefully. “I think about the group a lot. Not just the group as in the group, but the group as in you guys. But I don’t want to think about it all the time. I want—a break sometimes. Some time off to be myself. And I guess that’s what I’m getting now, but it would have been nice if I didn’t need a concussion to do it.”

“Jessica—”

“I can see pity from you again,” Jessica says offhandedly. “You know I don’t like pity, so put it away.”

“What would you rather see instead?”

Jessica deliberates for a while before she answers. “I don’t know,” she says, but Taeyeon feels like she’s holding something back. “When I look at you, I just see you.”

She looks at Taeyeon; there’s something young and lost about her eyes, something innocent and jaded and weary and aged all at once. Taeyeon feels like that look hits her like a blow to the chest.

“What do you see, when you look at me?”

“I see—” Taeyeon starts, and then she breaks off, because she has no idea what to say. It’s not that she has nothing to say, or even that she has too much, but she just has no idea how to answer that question. “I see more than I know,” she says honestly. “I wish I understood you better.” She gives a wry chuckle. “Well, I wish I understood myself better too. I guess I’m just not good at understanding, in general.”

“No,” Jessica says quietly, shaking her head. “You’re not good at it. And I’m tired of waiting for you to understand.”

Taeyeon’s brow furrows. “Understand what?”

Jessica answers without words as she leans forward and presses in, right against Taeyeon. She pushes Taeyeon back against the bed and kisses her, swallows her involuntary gasp, coaxes her lips open and presses in further, with her tongue and her breath, her form slight but solid against Taeyeon’s, her lips gentle at first but then harsher, more desperate.

“Taeyeon,” Jessica whispers, just one word, just her name, somehow packing so much longing and desire into those two syllables that Taeyeon feels dizzy just hearing it. “Please don’t tell me to stop.”

“Don’t,” Taeyeon croaks, her head spinning, not just because she doesn’t know what’s going on, but because Jessica’s so close – closer than she’s ever been, close enough for Taeyeon to feel every one of Jessica’s breaths as if they’re her own and see her pulse throb at the base of her neck, erratic and uneven, like hers – and yet Taeyeon feels like she still isn’t close enough. “Don’t stop.”

Jessica returns her mouth to Taeyeon’s as they fall against the bed, and Taeyeon feels like her world has narrowed to one of physical sensations: the feel of the mattress under her and Jessica against her, the taste of Jessica’s mouth, the scent of her hair and lotion. But then Jessica murmurs her name again, so quietly and quickly Taeyeon wonders if she even realizes she’s doing it, and something strange and sharp and exquisite stirs in Taeyeon’s chest, something definitely not physical although she can feel it as if it really moved beneath her rib cage.

“Jessica,” Taeyeon tries to say, but her name just comes out as an incomprehensible gasp. God, Jessica really knows how to kiss. “Jessica, what are we doing?”

Jessica pulls back, just for a moment, and Taeyeon realizes that she misses her mouth already. Oh, she thinks faintly, she’s screwed.

“I like it when you say my name like that,” Jessica says, eyes hooded and voice rough, and that’s it, Taeyeon’s gone. She’s grateful, suddenly, for the bed under them as she falls into and against Jessica, whose legs open for her to settle between, who lets Taeyeon take charge with no resistance and no questions, as if this is what she’s wanted all along.

I like it when you say my name too, Taeyeon thinks, and then thinking becomes kind of hard and so she just closes her eyes and loses herself in the kiss that’s becoming a little slower, a little sweeter, in Jessica, in the infinite and ephemeral stretch of this moment.

Chapter Text

Taeyeon feels her head swim when Jessica finally pulls away from her, eyes dark and huge and dazed like she’s drunk. Taeyeon feels a little drunk herself. She licks her lips involuntarily and tastes Jessica on them, something sweet and a little sour, like citrus or unrealized dreams.

“Jessica,” she says, her voice cracking on the last syllable. “What was…why did you…”

“You still don’t understand.” Jessica sounds sad but not entirely disappointed, like she had hoped against this but had expected it nonetheless. “I don’t know what more I have to do. I—” She breaks off, turning her face away, and Taeyeon feels a spam of guilt leap like a pulled muscle inside her.

“Jessica—” She has no idea what to say, which turns out not to matter, because she doesn’t get a chance to say it. Just then, Krystal walks into the room, takes one look at Jessica’s slumped shoulders and bowed head, and shoots Taeyeon a glare that could have frozen hell over.

“Unnie, what’s wrong?” Krystal hurries to Jessica’s side and sets a hand on her shoulder, putting herself right between her and Taeyeon.

Jessica lifts her head, giving a small smile that fools no one. Her face is blank again, but maybe Krystal can read that expression.

“I’m fine, Krys,” she says in a toneless voice. “My head just hurt, that’s all.”

“Do you want me to get you some medicine?”

“No, no medicine.” Jessica’s hand, which was previously limp by her side, darts to her chest for a moment before she puts it to her temple. “I’m fine. It was just for a second.”

“Unnie—”

“I’m fine, Krystal,” Jessica insists, her voice sharper now. “I think I just need some rest.” She doesn’t look at Taeyeon when she says this, but it’s a clear dismissal.

“You heard unnie,” Krystal says coldly to Taeyeon. “She wants to be alone.”

“Jessica,” Taeyeon starts helplessly.

Jessica is still avoiding eye contact. “Please just leave, Taeyeon,” she says quietly, her voice weighed down with weary helplessness. “Please just listen to me for once.”

She looks at Taeyeon then, and there it is again, that wet glimmer in her eyes. It isn’t quite tears yet, but it isn’t far from that, and it’s because of Taeyeon, yet again.

It seems that all she gives Jessica is pain.

“I’m sorry,” Taeyeon mumbles, reaching out a hand, but Jessica flinches away from her imperceptibly and she drops it. “But not about—before.”

She’s not sorry for kissing Jessica back. She can’t say that she’s thought about this before, because she didn’t, she didn’t see Jessica that way, or at least she thought she didn’t, but…

“I’m sorry I—don’t understand.” Taeyeon clears her throat, glancing at Krystal, who somehow looks bewildered and yet unsurprised. At least she’s not shooting daggers at Taeyeon with her eyes anymore. “I guess I’ll just…go now.”

Jessica doesn’t say anything, turning her head away even further, so all Taeyeon can see is the line of her profile. Impulsively, acting on instinct, Taeyeon leans in and brushes her lips against Jessica’s temple. Jessica’s whole body stiffens, like they’ve never touched before, like they weren’t just pressed together kissing minutes ago.

“Get some rest, okay?”

Taeyeon walks to the door, and she hesitates there, although she’s not sure why. Jessica opens her mouth like she’s going to say something, but then she closes it and lowers her head, her posture spelling out weariness and defeat. It makes Taeyeon hurt for her yet again.

“Taeyeon unnie, Mom made some soup for you guys too,” Krystal says, her voice not gentle but not ungentle either. “She has a thermos twice the size of my head. Don’t forget to get it before you leave.”

“I won’t,” Taeyeon says automatically. “Jessica, I – bye.” Jessica doesn’t reply, and resigned, Taeyeon turns away to leave. With her back to the room, right at the edge of the doorstep, she adds, “I told you not to stop. And I meant it.”

Jessica says nothing. Somehow, her silence speaks more than words. Taeyeon leaves, collecting the enormous thermos of soup from Mrs. Jung with an obligatory smile and a hollow-sounding “thank you, ahjumma”.

She’s walking down the driveway when she realizes what she was waiting for at Jessica’s door. She was waiting for Jessica to call her back, to ask her to stay, the way she had at the hospital. But Jessica hadn’t; she hadn’t said anything at all, and it had hurt.

And that’s how Taeyeon knows.

“How was Jessi?” Tiffany asks brightly. “Is she feeling better?”

“Yeah, she is,” Taeyeon answers numbly, somehow maintain enough of a calm front to elude Tiffany. “She was even complaining that she slept too much.”

“Oh no, it must be the end of the world then,” Yuri says, joining them. Tiffany shifts over on the couch to make room for her, and she sits on the other side of Tiffany, stretching her long legs out.

“Yeah,” Taeyeon agrees faintly. “It must be.”

“Did something happen?” Yuri’s brows knit together. “You don’t look so well.”

Well, Jessica kissed me, and I kissed her back, and we kind of started making out, but then Krystal came in and things happened and—I don’t even know what’s going on anymore.

“I think I’m tired.” That’s not a lie, at least. She is tired, in more ways than one. “I haven’t been sleeping too well lately.”

“You haven’t,” Tiffany agrees. “You should sleep more. We’re not even promoting right now; there’s no reason you should be doing this to yourself.”

“She’s Taeyeon,” Yuri points out. “That’s a reason right there.”

Taeyeon laughs; it sounds forced and empty even to her ears. She knows she can’t hide this from them for long, especially not Tiffany, who can read her all too well, but there’s no way she can tell them either. She couldn’t even if she wanted to. How can you describe what you don’t even understand?

“Maybe I’ll take a nap.” She massages her temples, feeling the beginning of a headache coming on. Then again, if she let herself, if she didn’t hold it back with all her reserves of restraint and sheer willpower, she would feel like this practically every day. It’s a good thing she’s become an expert at pushing her body beyond its limits, a good thing they all have. “I think I could use one.”

“I think you should,” Tiffany says gently.

“I think so too,” Yuri says. “You deserve many naps.”

“I do have about six years to catch up on.”

“Well.” Tiffany smiles. “You can always get Jessi to give you napping lessons.”

Taeyeon seizes up at the mention of Jessica, and without volition, her mind flashes to Jessica’s bed and the things they were doing on it that had nothing to do with sleeping. At one point Jessica’s hand went under her shirt, but she didn’t try to do anything further, she just kept it on Taeyeon’s stomach like she wanted to know the feel of her skin there. It wasn’t unpleasant or intrusive, not in the slightest. It wasn’t unwanted either.

“I think one person who sleeps like the dead is enough,” Yuri says. “It’s already a pain to wake Sica up in the mornings; I don’t want Taengoo to be like that too.”

“I don’t think you can learn to sleep the way Jessi does anyway,” Tiffany says thoughtfully. “I don’t think you can learn to do most of the things she does, period.”

“She’s one unique snowflake, isn’t she?”

“Snowflake, where’d you get that from?”

“You know, ice princess, ice, snow…” Yuri trails off as Tiffany starts laughing. “I thought that was a good metaphor. Wasn’t it a good metaphor?”

“Yes, yes, it was an amazing metaphor. You should be a poet, Kwon Yuri.”

Taeyeon watches Tiffany and Yuri ‘bicker’ with a small smile. It’s strange, she thinks, how she never got jealous over Tiffany and Yuri, given how close they are. Her jealousy had only been towards Jessica. It seems like a very long time ago now, but at the same time too clear in her memory for her liking.

“TaeTae?” Tiffany asks. “Why are you just staring at us and smiling?”

“What?” Taeyeon blinks. “Is that what I’m doing?”

“Yes,” Yuri tells her. “It’s pretty creepy, actually.”

“I can’t help it; you guys are cute.”

Tiffany’s eyes disappear as she gives her signature smile, and Taeyeon watches as Yuri stares blatantly and obviously and draws her eyes away rather too late. Taeyeon raises a mental eyebrow, but she doesn’t say anything.

“Did you hear that, Yul?” Tiffany latches onto Yuri’s arm. “We’re cute.”

“It’s you, really. I’m just cute by association.”

“No, you’re adorable.” Tiffany pinches Yuri’s cheek, and Yuri makes a face, but she doesn’t actually look annoyed. “Trust me, I know cute when I see it. I have good taste.”

“You do,” Yuri says, something slightly different about her voice. “You have such a cute boyfriend, after all.”

Tiffany’s happy expression falters slightly, and she puts up another smile, somehow both brighter and dimmer than her last one. “I do,” she agrees, eyes soft and somber. “He is very cute.”

“As cute as me?” Taeyeon cuts in, light and teasing, trying to loosen up the atmosphere.

Tiffany gives Taeyeon a startled sort of look, like she’s forgotten she was there, and she smiles. “I feel like I’m back in elementary school and I’m being asked to rank my friends. Come on, you guys are better than that.”

Taeyeon glances at Yuri, who looks rather tight-lipped. “I don’t know, Fany,” she says. “Yuri’s with Yoona and Hyoyeon all the time; I think the choding has rubbed off on her.”

“It’s okay, Yul,” Tiffany says. “I’ll still love you even if you’re a child.”

Yuri laughs then, elbowing Tiffany playfully. “Should I be touched?”

“Yes, you should be,” Tiffany tells her, tugging her arm and somehow rearranging herself into a backhug in the same movement. Just like that, they’re back to normal, smiling and touchy and fond as always. Taeyeon feels like she’s getting whiplash just watching them.

“Taengoo, weren’t you going to take a nap?” Yuri asks, Tiffany’s arms wrapped around her, her head resting on Yuri’s shoulder.

“I don’t feel so tired anymore,” Taeyeon says honestly. Just being with them, watching them, has energized her. And anyway, when she thinks about taking a nap on her bed, she just thinks about another bed, and Jessica looking at her with mussed hair and kiss-swollen lips and eyes that could have swallowed her whole.

There’s no way she could fall asleep.

“You should still sleep though.” Tiffany frowns. “You need the rest, even if you don’t feel like it right now.”

“And who knows,” Yuri says cheerfully. “You might have a nice dream.”

“Yeah, maybe.” But the dream that she wants isn’t so much the sleeping kind. She wants to see Jessica again, to see her smile, to make her smile, and to know that she won’t be gone like a dream in the morning. She wants Jessica, and the realization takes her breath away, unsettles her, burrows under her skin and refuses to move until it’s not just acknowledged but accepted. “I might.”

“You look like you want to vaporize that paper,” Sooyoung notes, taking a seat beside Taeyeon. “What did it do to you?”

“Huh?” Taeyeon brushes her hair away from her eyes, blinking hard as the world comes back into focus. She’s been staring out aimlessly but so intently that her eyes are dry and prickling, and she feels like a swimmer breaking the surface of the water and seeing the world in a new light.

Sooyoung taps the open, blank notebook in front of Taeyeon. Well, nearly blank. She’d written exactly one word in it.

“‘Eyes’,” Sooyoung reads.

“Yeah, I was—I don’t know.”

“Songwriting?”

She frowns. “Not exactly. I guess I was just…trying to get some ideas down.”

“I’m guessing it didn’t work out too well,” Sooyoung says sympathetically.

Taeyeon stares at the almost blank page, at the single word she’d written, and in her mind, she can see the pair of eyes that she was thinking about when she wrote that word down. She can see them so clearly she feels like she’s looking at a photograph, except a photo couldn’t hope to capture the life and light in those eyes, how they could be bright and dark, contained and containing at the same time.

The headache feels like it’s returning, only it’s not so much pain as it is a steady pressure at the backs of her eyes, a reminder of the sight she couldn’t shed even though she wasn’t looking at it.

“I don’t think songwriting is for me.” Taeyeon pushes the notebook away from her, as if she could banish her thoughts that way. “At least not the lyrics part.”

“I feel like the lyrics are harder to figure out than the music,” Sooyoung says. “Then again, words are just hard in general.”

“They are,” Taeyeon agrees with soft weariness.

“It’s alright, Taengoo.” Sooyoung reaches out and takes Taeyeon’s hand, squeezing it. “Don’t you remember? You were the one who said that words weren’t always necessary. Some things don’t need to be said to be heard. To be known.”

Sooyoung’s hand is warm and firm around her own; not securing, just grasping. Taeyeon wants to squeeze back, but her hand feels limp and uncooperative, and her mouth the same when she tries to smile.

“Maybe I said that because I don’t like to talk.”

“Maybe you did,” Sooyoung acknowledges, “but I still remember what you said after, that we don’t need to say things like ‘thank you’ and ‘I love you’ to each other, because we already know that. And we do, Taeyeon, we know that.”

“I know you do, but you still want to hear it from me, don’t you?”

Sooyoung smiles a little. “It’s human nature to want to hear that you’re loved. To know it and to hear it can be two different things.”

Taeyeon looks at the paper in front of her again, and then she takes her pencil and adds another word on the page, her finishing stroke so hard the lead breaks and leaves a streak of black on the paper.

Eyes, and then, Love. She doesn’t know what that means; it’s far from a song, and she hadn’t meant it to be lyrics, or to be symbolic, or to be anything, really. She just wrote it, because it felt right at the moment, a release of something that she doesn’t want to examine, just wants to expel.

“‘Some things don’t need to be said to be heard’,” Taeyeon repeats quietly. “That’s a nice saying.”

“Isn’t it?” Sooyoung’s smile widens slightly. “Jessica said it to me.”

The pencil slips from Taeyeon’s hand, slides down the table, and is headed to the floor until she grabs it automatically, at the edge of the table, right before it falls.

“Did she?”

“You went to see her, right?” Sooyoung leans forward, eyes bright and anticipatory. “How did she look? Is she almost all better? When is she coming back?”

Taeyeon replies automatically and succinctly, wanting to give Sooyoung her answers, nothing more, nothing less.

“She looked fine. She’s recovering well. She should be back soon.”

Sooyoung blinks. “You sound very enthusiastic about that.”

“I—” There are a hundred ways to finish that sentence, and each possibility seems worse than the last. “I want her back. You know that.”

Sooyoung’s face softens. “I think we all know that.”

“I miss her,” Taeyeon says quietly, her fingers uncurling from the pencil. “It’s not the same without her.”

“It’s not,” Sooyoung says wistfully. “I almost miss waking her up in the mornings.”

“Do you?”

“Okay, no, I don’t. That was painful. It’d be kind of masochistic to miss that.”

She must be a bit of a masochist then. It would just be one more item on the ever-growing list of things that she’s discovering about herself. It sounds wise, helpful, instrumental, even, to learn more about yourself, and maybe it is all of those things, but all Taeyeon can think right now is that it’s painful.

It’s painful, and she’s had enough pain, but evidently it hasn’t had enough of her. Maybe she isn’t a masochist then; maybe she’s just some kind of magnet for pain, a giver and taker of it.

The thought of that doesn’t make her feel any better.

Chapter Text

Clink. Taeyeon taps her spoon absently against the edge of her bowl. Clink. Clink. The soup is really good – delicious, actually, but she doesn’t have much of an appetite. Clink. Clink. Clink.

“Can you stop that? You’re driving me insane.”

Half-startled, she looks over and sees Sunkyu, whose expression is one of utter, frustrated exasperation.

“Oh.” Taeyeon puts down her spoon. “Sorry.”

“Taeyeon,” Sunkyu sighs. “You’re driving me insane.”

“I’ll stop the spoon thing—”

“This isn’t about the spoon thing!”

Taeyeon gives her a blank look. “I’m not even doing anything besides that.”

“Exactly,” Sunkyu says through gritted teeth. “Why aren’t you? What happened with Jessica? You’ve been all—weird since you came back from her house.”

“I think I’m pretty weird most of the time.”

“You are, but not this type of weird.”

Taeyeon picks up the spoon again and takes a sip of soup; it’s almost cold. “I’m trying out something new.”

“Taeyeon—”

“Do you want some soup?”

“No, I don’t want any soup.” Sunkyu looks like she might knock the bowl out of Taeyeon’s hand. “This isn’t about the soup, and it’s not about the spoon!”

Taeyeon stares at Sunkyu with wide eyes. She can’t remember the last time she saw Sunkyu angry, much less at her. They’re best friends, after all, and neither of them is the type to shout it out in an argument. That’s more Tiffany’s style.

Sunkyu takes a deep breath, and she seems to calm down. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you. I just—I’m so done with this whole mess between you two. It never should have gotten so far.”

I don’t know what you’re talking about, Taeyeon starts to say, but she swallows the words before they’re out of her mouth. Sunkyu’s her best friend, and she’s just looking out for her, and it’s not fair for her to constantly deflect and deny. Even she’s tired of it, and if she is, no wonder Sunkyu is so exasperated.

“I don’t know what to do,” she admits. “I feel like I messed everything up.”

“What happened?” Sunkyu asks, her voice gentler now.

“Jessica—” Taeyeon’s mouth feels as dry as a bone. She licks her lips and swallows, but it doesn’t help. “—kissed me.”

“What? Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

At first, she almost thinks Sunkyu is being difficult, but then she realizes she actually spoke too quietly to be heard. She clears her throat and speaks louder.

“Jessica kissed me.”

Sunkyu just gives her a blank, uncomprehending look. “She did what?”

“She kissed me, okay? She. Kissed. Me.”

Sunkyu’s mouth falls open. “Oh my God,” she breathes. She looks like she wants to say something else, but just stops there.

“I know,” Taeyeon says heavily. “That’s what I thought too.”

“Well, did you kiss her back?”

“That’s all you’re going to say? What about ‘why did she do that’?”

Sunkyu gives her a look like she’s stupid. “Why do you think she did it? Why do people usually kiss other people?”

“But Jessica can’t possibly like me,” Taeyeon says in a small voice. “How could she? Why would she?”

“Why don’t you ask her?”

“I’ve messed everything up,” Taeyeon says hollowly. “She doesn’t want to talk to me.”

“Taeyeon,” Sunkyu says in a slow, measured voice. “I know you can be—thicker than a block of wood, but please tell me you aren’t this dumb.”

“Okay, so she kissed me, you think that means she has feelings for me, right? Well, she told me I don’t understand, and I don’t. I don’t understand. Why would Jessica have feelings for me?”

“Because.” Sunkyu’s voice is suddenly so gentle Taeyeon feels like she can’t handle it. “Unlike what you may think, Taeyeon, you’re not hard to love.”

“This is after I treated her like…after all those months.” Taeyeon puts her face in her hands. “How could she even stand to be around me? How could she—” She looks up at Sunkyu, and she thinks that there must be desperation written over her face, because the concern in Sunkyu’s eyes goes up a notch to worry. “I was so terrible to her, Sunkyu, I said such—awful, horrible things. How could she possibly—”

“—love you?” Sunkyu finishes. “The heart works in strange ways, Taeyeon.”

“Love me,” Taeyeon repeats in a flat voice. “Love. Me.”

“Well, you know that she loves you, don’t you?” Sunkyu says in a reasonable voice. “After all, you love her too. You love all of us, even if it’s hard for you to say it out loud.”

“I love you, like a sister. All of you. Except…except Tiffany, and.”

“And?”

“I’m not in love with Jessica, Sunkyu. I think I would know if I was.”

“Would you?” Sunkyu muses. “I never said you were in love with her. But you said just now that you don’t feel the same way about her as you do the rest of us.”

“Well, I don’t want to kiss you guys,” Taeyeon says wryly, “and I wouldn’t want to kiss Hayeon.”

“So you wanted to kiss her?”

“I don’t know what I want, okay?” Taeyeon takes a deep breath, suddenly realizing that her hands are clenched into fists. She unfurls her fingers, feeling the blood return to them in throbbing little pinpricks. She didn’t know her grip was so tight. “No,” she says quietly with a sigh. “I guess that’s not true. I do know a little.”

She knows that she wants Jessica. But…in what way? Does she want to date Jessica? Does she want to love her? Her head feels like it’s spinning with questions, like there are flocks of dismayed birds fluttering inside her skull, and she feels dizzy with the force of her confusion.

“Taeyeon,” Sunkyu says gently, putting a hand on her arm. “It’s normal to be confused. Not everyone knows exactly how they feel about…the person they feel something else for.”

“Something else,” Taeyeon repeats, and she thinks that those two words not only describe how she feels about Jessica, but also Jessica as a whole, very well. “Why is it that other people seem to know what I want and how I feel better than I do?”

“What other people?” Sunkyu asks mildly. “I’m not ‘other people’.”

Taeyeon smiles a little at that. “No,” she agrees. “You’re not.”

“It’s different to be on the outside. You can’t see yourself clearly because you see yourself through your own eyes. And I have a feeling that you don’t see the same person we do.”

“And who do you see?”

“I see you,” Sunkyu says simply. “I just see you, our Taengoo, who always does her best and never thinks it’s good enough. Who cares about us so much, who fights for us, and doesn’t realizes how much she does because she always expects better from herself.”

“Sunkyu—”

“I think that’s who Jessica sees too.” Sunkyu smiles, her eyes tired but warm. “And maybe you don’t see the way she looks at you, but I have, Taeyeon. Not a lot of people get looked at that way, you know.”

Taeyeon feels like her heart has climbed into her throat, and if she’s not careful, she’ll choke on it. “And how do you think I look at her?”

Sunkyu lets out an exaggerated sigh. “Really now, Taeyeon, I can’t give you all the answers. You’re going to have to do some work yourself.”

Taeyeon’s mouth ghosts up, halfway to a smile. “You’re right. I have to do some work for myself.”

“You know, you never answered my question before.”

“You asked a lot of questions. Which one are you talking about?”

Sunkyu’s gaze is even, steady. “Did you kiss her back?”

Taeyeon’s mind flashes back to the past, to the bed and Jessica beneath her, all long hair and soft skin and that voice, low and raspy, gasping her name and please don’t tell me to stop.

“I did.” She swallows. “And I think I hurt her by doing that.”

“Well, you probably would have hurt her more if you didn’t, right?”

Maybe, but maybe what she’s doing now would just hurt Jessica more in the long run. Maybe cruelty can be kind and kindness cruel. Taeyeon doesn’t know. She doesn’t know a lot of things. But she does know one thing, and it’s that she’s tired of hurting Jessica.

“I feel like my body just reacted on its own. She kissed me, and I didn’t see it coming at all, and I never—I never thought about her like that, but I kissed her back. And then we…”

Sunkyu holds up a hand. “I don’t want or need to hear the rated details.”

“There were no rated details!” Taeyeon splutters. “What do you think we did?” Sunkyu gives her a look. “We just kissed a bit, okay? She’s good at kissing, too good.”

“I really didn’t need to know that.”

Taeyeon puts a hand over her forehead like she’s feverish, although her skin feels not warm but clammy.

“Why did I kiss her back?”

“Do you really regret it?” Sunkyu asks in a reasonable voice. “I mean, obviously you think you made a mistake, but if you could go back and do it again, would you have pushed her away?”

Would she have? Could she have? Taeyeon thinks about it again, and the look in Jessica’s eyes, the way Jessica said her name. She thinks about it, turning the question over and over in her mind, like a spool of thread that just gets more and more tangled as she works at it, and she still doesn’t have an answer.

“I don’t know,” she says quietly. “I just know that I don’t want to hurt her anymore.”

“I think…hurt would be hard to avoid,” Sunkyu says delicately. “Not just for her, but for you too.”

“I don’t have the right to be hurt, given that I was the one who screwed everything up.”

“We all have the right to be hurt, Taeyeon,” Sunkyu says gently, “and you know, you worry that you don’t care enough about Jessica, but…I think that you care a lot more than you realize.”

I care more than I want to, Taeyeon thinks, and it’s a familiar feeling, because that’s how she felt for years about them, that she cared for them, needed them, loved them, more than she wanted to, more than she was comfortable with, but at the same time…

It’s not the same. It’s familiar, but not the same.

Jessica Jung, do you know what do you do to me? Because I sure as hell don’t.

Jooyoung tells them that Jessica’s coming back the next day, and Taeyeon feels something leap and then drop in her stomach. Anticipation, followed by dread.

The other girls are all happy and excited, although Sunkyu throws her some worried looks. Sooyoung and Hyoyeon jokingly discuss throwing her a welcome back party, complete with cucumber bouquets.

“You guys are so evil,” Yuri declares. “I like it.”

“Yeah?” Tiffany asks with a grin. “Evil appeals to you?”

“It doesn’t appeal to you?”

“I like my girls nice.”

“And your boys bad?” Sunkyu asks with a sideway grin.

“Oh please,” Sooyoung snorts. “Have you seen Mr. Hwang? He’s hardly a bad boy. He couldn’t be farther away from it, actually.”

“I don’t know, her old boyfriend was even nicer, I think.”

“Guys,” Tiffany says in a loud voice. Well, a louder voice. “Can we stop talking about me like I’m not here?”

“I’m sorry, Fany,” Sooyoung says. “Would you like to talk about Mr. Hwang to us?”

“No more than you want to talk about Mr. Choi.”

“I think you guys are sick of me talking about him,” Sooyoung sighs sadly.

“Just a little,” Sunkyu says, holding her thumb and index finger apart by half an inch or so. “It’s okay, it’s nice to live vicariously through your love lives.”

“You could get your own love life,” Sooyoung suggests.

Sunkyu makes a face. “Too much work. And besides, what are friends for?”

Taeyeon snorts. She doubts that Sunkyu wants to live through hers. Well, she doesn’t exactly have a love life, just a lot of conflicts and questions to which she doesn’t have answers.

“TaeTae?” Tiffany asks. “Is everything okay?”

Taeyeon blinks, snapping out of her thoughts. Tiffany’s eyes are bright and concerned, and her hand is a comforting weight on Taeyeon’s arm. Taeyeon takes her wrist and leads her to the corner of the room.

“Everything is fine with me.” The lie comes out so calmly and evenly she can almost believe it. Almost. “I wanted to ask about you, actually. How are things with him? Is everything alright?”

Tiffany lowers her lashes. “They’re fine.” Her voice is steady, bland. Sort of like him, Taeyeon thinks. “We haven’t had any problems.”

Taeyeon’s not an idiot; she knows the utter lack of infection in Tiffany’s voice doesn’t mean anything good.

“Is this what you meant earlier, when you said you didn’t know what was wrong, but you weren’t happy?”

“You remember what I said, huh?”

“Of course I remember. You don’t think my memory is that bad, do you?”

Tiffany lifts her eyes and gives a gentle smile. “No, I know you have a great memory, I just thought you had bigger things to worry about, that’s all.”

“Bigger things,” Taeyeon repeats. “And what are these bigger things?”

“Do you remember when I told you that I wanted you to be happy? That’s still what I want, you know. That’s what I’ll always want.”

“Because you feel guilty?” The words slip out practically of their own volition.

There’s something dark in Tiffany’s eyes; maybe it’s hurt, maybe it’s something else. “Because you’re my best friend. Because I care about you.”

“I care about you too.” Taeyeon pauses. “I want you to be happy too. You don’t talk to me anymore, you know. You ask me what’s going on with me, but you don’t tell me about your life. You don’t tell me anything.” Hurt slips into her voice.

“I’m sorry,” Tiffany says sincerely. “I’m just—confused. I’m trying to figure things out, and I’m sorry if you think that I’m holding out on you. I’m not; I just don’t know what to do.”

That makes two of them, then. Taeyeon wonders what Tiffany’s confused about – she said herself that there weren’t any problems between them, but maybe they lack more than problems. Tiffany has always been a romantic, looking for the butterflies and the fireworks, and maybe she hasn’t been able to find them with him.

Taeyeon doesn’t need butterflies or fireworks, or candlelight dinners, or walks hand-in-hand under the stars. She just wants someone with whom she can be herself, feel comfortable, have serious conversations and then joke around in the next second. Someone funny, and kind, and not hard on the eyes.

Maybe her standards are too high.

“You can try talking to Sunkyu,” Taeyeon says. “She’s practically a relationship counsellor now.”

“Did she counsel you about your relationship?”

“You know I don’t have a relationship.”

Tiffany smiles. “Do you want one?”

“Fany—”

“I’m just saying, if you want a relationship, then go for it. If you don’t, then it’s okay too. Just go after what you want, you know? Because if you don’t, and you change your mind one day, it might be gone. We only have so many chances.”

Taeyeon nods, feeling the heavy solemnity in Tiffany’s voice like a physical weight. “I feel like I might have used up all of mine already.”

“You don’t know until you try, right?”

“Have you tried?”

Tiffany blinks, her lashes casting long shadows on her cheeks. “What?”

“You told me to go after what I want. Well, you should go after what you want too. And if you don’t want him—”

“I never said I don’t want him.”

“You don’t need to say it. I’m not a block of wood all the time, you know.”

“A block of wood?” Tiffany repeats, sounding bemused. Then she chuckles, seeming to get it. “You only seem to be that when it comes to your own life.”

“So you think I’m stupid and blind too, huh?”

“I wouldn’t necessarily use those words,” Tiffany says delicately. “Let’s go with ‘a little dense’.”

Taeyeon thinks about the way Yuri had looked at Tiffany, and she wonders if Tiffany knows, or if she’s not the only one who’s dense. Or maybe it’s not that, maybe people only see what they want to see.

“Thank you for the kind words,” she says wryly. “You always knew just what to say.”

“Hmm,” Tiffany says quietly. “If only I knew just what to do.”

“I think we all wish that.”

Tiffany gives a wry smile. “Too bad the world isn’t a wish-granting factory.”

“Yeah,” Taeyeon murmurs. “Too bad.”

Chapter Text

“Jessi!” Tiffany is the first one to greet Jessica, running at her and throwing her arms around her, almost knocking her over. “Jessi, welcome back.”

“Tiff,” Jessica says in a muffled voice. “I can’t breathe.”

Tiffany loosens her hold and steps back, her eyes widening. “Oh, sorry! Was I hugging you too tightly?”

“I don’t mind,” Jessica tells her, and Tiffany takes it as permission to hug her again, being gentler this time. When Tiffany lets go, Yuri steps up, squeezing Jessica just as tightly, and they all take turns hugging Jessica. All except Taeyeon, who watches from the back, unsure if Jessica would let her hug her.

“We got you a bouquet,” Sooyoung says. “Do you want it now or later?”

Jessica narrows her eyes. “There’s cucumbers in it, isn’t there?”

Sooyoung looks incredibly innocent. Too innocent. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“What do you take me for, an idiot?” Jessica asks, and then adds, “Never mind, I don’t want to hear the answer.”

She looks healthy, not just back to normal, but even better than before. She’s still on the verge of being too thin, but then again, she never really leaves that place. It’s somewhere they’re all well-acquainted with, some better than others.

Taeyeon looks at her without a word, without stepping forward, and even though Jessica doesn’t meet her eyes or talk to her, she feels better just seeing Jessica there, vibrant and well.

“I’m sorry we didn’t come to see you,” Yuri says apologetically. “Kibum oppa told us that the fans were worried enough, and the company wants ‘minimum disruption’, whatever that means.”

“It’s okay. It’s not like I was pining over your absences.”

“You didn’t miss us, unnie?” Yoona asks, sounding hurt.

“I missed you, Yoong,” Jessica replies, a teasing sparkle in her eyes. “Unless you were part of the cucumber bouquet gang. Then I take that back.”

“I would never do that,” Yoona says, sounding injured, even though the first ever cucumber bouquet was her idea. Jessica rolls her eyes, but she’s smiling and Yoona smiles back.

Yuri jumps in with a “remember when…” and soon they’re all absorbed in exchanging stories and jokes. Juhyun stands slightly to the side, listening quietly with a smile, and Jessica tugs her in so the eight of them are standing in a circle of sorts by the door, listening, talking, reconnecting, a whole again now that their missing part has returned.

“Taeyeon,” Tiffany calls out, like she had at their concert. “Why are you always standing off to the side?” She reaches out a hand, beckoning Taeyeon over. “Come here.”

Taeyeon joins them and Jessica takes a step back so she can close the circle. Jessica glances at her once, nothing in her eyes: no hurt or resentment, joy or melancholy, and then looks away.

“You look—good,” Taeyeon says quietly. “I’m glad to see that.”

“Some time at home will do that to you,” Jessica says casually, still not looking at her. “Especially with a doting mom.”

“We have that here too,” Sooyoung says, pointing at Hyoyeon. “Did you get to spend time with Krystal? I know you’ve missed her a lot lately.”

“Yeah, I did, actually, since she hasn’t been busy with f(x). It was nice. I’ve missed my sister.” Jessica smiles, her eyes warm. “But I’ve missed you guys too. It’s good to be back.”

Sunkyu puts her arm around Jessica’s shoulder. “I thought we were your sisters too.”

“You are.” Jessica glances towards her bags by the door. “Any of you want to help me carry those, sis?”

They all look at each other, and Taeyeon is about to offer but Yoona beats her to it. Him Yoona to the rescue. “I’ll do it, unnie,” she says in a resigned voice, rolling up her sleeves.

Jessica beams at her. “I knew I loved you for a reason, Yoong.”

Yoona rolls her eyes. “Save your love for the cucumber bouquet,” she says, easily grabbing a bag in each hand. There’s one left, and Juhyun picks it up with more strain than Yoona.

“Just leave it beside my bed,” Jessica says airily. Juhyun nods and Yoona rolls her eyes again, but they both head toward her room without a further word. “We have the best maknaes.”

“You’re just saying that because they’re carrying your stuff for you,” Sooyoung says. “Why do you have all those bags anyway? You didn’t even take any home with you.”

“I have stuff to bring back,” Jessica says dismissively. “I didn’t see you offering to help with them.”

“I helped with other things.”

“Yeah, like what?”

“Like delighting you with the joy of my company.”

“The joy of your company,” Jessica repeats. “Yah, Choi Sooyoung, did your head get even bigger while I’ve been gone?”

“I don’t think that’s possible,” Hyoyeon remarks.

“This is just like you guys,” Yuri laughs. “Sica’s been back for five minutes and you’re fighting already.”

“Not fighting,” Sooyoung corrects, “talking. This is how we talk.”

“We do it out of love,” Jessica adds, exchanging a grin with Sooyoung.

Sunkyu nudges Taeyeon’s shoulder. “Are you okay?” she asks in a low voice.

“What?”

“You look—sad,” Sunkyu says, sounding like she has another word in mind. “I thought you wanted her to come back.”

“I did. I do.” Jessica’s bickering with Hyoyeon now, with Sooyoung jumping in now and then with snide remarks, while Yuri and Tiffany have their heads bent together in a conversation of their own. The maknaes haven’t returned from Jessica’s errand, and Taeyeon assumes that they’re talking too. Everyone is talking, and everyone looks happy, and Taeyeon’s standing in the middle of it all, not part of either. “I’m not sad.”

“You should talk to her.”

Yeah, I know. “What, right now?” she asks. “She looks happy. I don’t want to ruin that.”

“Taeyeon,” Sunkyu sighs.

“Later, okay?” Taeyeon says. “I’ll talk to her later.”

Sunkyu doesn’t look convinced. “I hope ‘later’ doesn’t mean next year.”

“Well, it is the end of December…”

“Kim Taeyeon.”

“Jessica!” Yuri says brightly, holding out a lovely arrangement of flowers in front of her. “We got you something as a token of our love and appreciation.”

Jessica stares at the bouquet like there’s a snake in it waiting to spring at her. “You know, Yoona already told me there are cucumbers in there. And also, where did that little speech of yours come from, a Hallmark card? You guys are terrible at this.”

“Jessi, I promise there aren’t any cucumbers in there,” Tiffany says, sincerity practically ringing in her voice. “I swear. Don’t you trust me?”

Jessica looks at Tiffany, taking in her earnest expression, and then turns her eyes to Yuri, who offers a wide smile. “I trust you,” she says slowly, “but as for the rest of these hooligans…”

Taeyeon actually has no idea whether there are cucumbers in the flowers or not. Knowing her members, there could be anything from cucumbers to a live jellyfish hidden in the bouquet. She just looks at Jessica, who scrutinizes the flowers in Yuri’s hand, her forehead furrowed, her bottom lip caught between her teeth, and only when Tiffany raises her eyebrows at Taeyeon does she realize that she’s staring all too obviously.

Jessica takes the flowers, holding them a careful distance away from her. “Thank you,” she says, sounding like she means it. “That’s—very thoughtful of you.”

Yuri grins. “Where’s my Hallmark thank you card?”

“It’s still in the mail. Along with your coal from Santa.”

Yuri pouts, putting on an expression of hurt, and Jessica laughs, her eyes crinkling. Taeyeon keeps watching, knowing she should stop and yet unable to keep her eyes away.

By some stroke of luck Taeyeon manages to catch Jessica alone, and Taeyeon is struck by déjà vu at the two of them in the kitchen once again. She can only hope that this conversation won’t turn out like the one they had in the dead of night that day. Already it feels familiar, Jessica sitting silently at the table, having just returned from home.

“Sica,” she ventures.

“Hey,” Jessica says, calmly, evenly, her tone giving nothing away.

You’re not going to ignore me? Taeyeon thinks, but she doesn’t voice the question. “Are you completely better now?” she asks instead, concern slipping into her voice. “Did you see the doctor again?”

“I’m fine. I went to the doctor and I got an all-clear. You don’t have to worry about me.”

Taeyeon’s mouth curls up and then down wryly. “I’m good at worrying.”

“Hmm, so am I.” Jessica’s face is impassive, and Taeyeon stares at her for a long moment, words teetering at the edge of her lips, refusing to fall.

After an indefinite amount of time spent in silence, Jessica stands up and pushes her chair back. “Well, I’m tired and I’m going to go to bed. Good night.”

Taeyeon reaches out and grasps the top of Jessica’s chair, keeping it in place so she can’t just walk away.

“Jessica, can we talk?”

“About what?” Jessica asks, her expression carefully controlled, impossible to read.

“You know what.”

Her expression doesn’t change. “I don’t want to talk about that.”

“Jessica—”

“Do you remember what I told you, right before you left?”

“I remember everything,” Taeyeon says quietly.

Jessica looks away. “What did I tell you, then?”

“To leave.” Taeyeon’s grip loosens on the chair. “To listen to you for once.”

“Maybe you can make ‘once’ twice,” Jessica suggests. “Or is that too much to ask for?”

“I’m not leaving, Jessica. We need to talk.” Taeyeon steels her resolve. “You know I’m not exactly a talkative person, neither of us is, but we need to talk.”

Jessica meets her gaze with eyes like the lake frozen over at the start of winter, the ice fragile and in danger of cracking at the lightest contact.

“Fine, then talk.”

Taeyeon didn’t expect that at all, and her arm drops back to her side. “You’re not going to avoid me?”

There is a myriad of emotions in Jessica’s expression, but the one most in the foreground is exhaustion. It’s obvious that she’s tired, and Taeyeon wants her to get her rest, she doesn’t want to add to Jessica’s exhaustion, but if she lets go of this opportunity to talk, she’s not sure when they’ll have another one. If they’ll have another one.

“What would be the point?” There’s something tragically beautiful about Jessica’s smile. “I know how hard it is to avoid you, how you get when you want something. I can’t run away from you forever.”

Taeyeon feels like there’s a deeper meaning behind Jessica’s words, but try as she may, she can’t decipher it. That’s her problem, isn’t it, her incapability to understand, time and time again.

“How I get when I want something,” she repeats in a low voice. “You know, it took me a long time to realize what I want.” She takes a breath. This is the moment, she tells herself, this is it. She wouldn’t have a better chance than this, and like Tiffany says, they only have so many chances. She needs to take hers for once. “Jessica—”

“I shouldn’t have done it,” Jessica suddenly says.

“What?”

“I shouldn’t have done it,” she repeats. “I shouldn’t have—kissed you.” She stumbles a little over the word ‘kissed’, and just like that, the speech that Taeyeon has been rehearsing dissolves on her tongue. “And you shouldn’t have kissed me back. You shouldn’t have made me feel like—”

“Like what?” Taeyeon whispers.

Jessica shakes her head, her lips seem to form around words, but Taeyeon doesn’t hear anything at all, even though she’s trying as hard as she can to pick up on Jessica’s reply. Then Jessica sighs and looks up, her eyes dark and bleak, her lips pinched and her cheeks pale.

“I’m done explaining, Taeyeon. If you don’t understand, then…there’s nothing to understand.”

I don’t understand. I don’t understand how you could possibly have feelings for me after everything I said and did to you. I don’t understand what you see in me, because I don’t see it.

“Do you…” Taeyeon starts, and trails off there, left wanting again.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” Jessica says with an unsteady laugh. “I thought about ignoring you, I thought about telling you to go away, I thought about never coming back.”

The thought of the last notion makes a breath tighten in Taeyeon’s chest like a stab, and she reaches for Jessica without thinking about it, but Jessica flinches away from her.

“I’m sorry,” Taeyeon says, her voice cracking under the weight of her honesty.

Jessica says nothing, just bites her lip and stares into the distance, her eyes glassy, the ice having not just cracked but shattered, the water beneath dark and fathomless.

“I’ve thought about this for a long time,” Taeyeon says. “I couldn’t stop thinking about it. About you.”

Jessica’s eyes widen and then close, and she shakes her head. Her face is pale and her lips are bloodless, and her hair is swinging around her in a dark curtain. She looks rather ghostly that way, not so much a phantom but an ethereal vision, something that doesn’t belong on this face of the earth.

“It was a mistake,” she says quietly, and Taeyeon’s heart sinks.

“What?”

“Kissing you. It was a mistake.” Jessica’s voice is even now, but she won’t meet Taeyeon’s eyes. “I know I shouldn’t have done it. It was stupid and thoughtless of me, but I—but you kissed me back, and. I don’t know how I could have been expected to stop.”

“I told you I didn’t want you to stop—”

“And why didn’t you?” Jessica’s voice doesn’t rise in volume, but its edge is sharp enough to cut. “Why did you kiss me back?”

“Because I wanted to!” Taeyeon takes a deep breath. Jessica’s staring at her with shattered ice eyes, the jagged edges pulling her in, threatening to drown her. “Because I wanted you,” she whispers, “and I still do.”

“You want me,” Jessica repeats in a flat voice.

“Yes, I do,” Taeyeon says. “It just…took some time for me to realize it.”

Jessica stares at her, unblinking and unnerving, until she can’t help but look away. “So what? You ignore me for months, and you miraculously get over Tiffany after you’ve been in love with her for years, and then I hit my head and all of a sudden you want to kiss me?”

She can’t deny that everything Jessica said is true, but. “When you put it like that…”

“It’s the truth. Or have you come up with some pretty lie to put a new spin on it?”

“I promised you before that I wouldn’t lie to you again, and I haven’t. I wasn’t lying when I told you—what I told you.”

“Fine, you’re not lying,” Jessica says. “I believe you.”

Taeyeon exhales in relief, but the breath barely leaves her before another one catches in her throat at Jessica’s next words.

“You think you want me.”

“I don’t just think that. I know—”

“You know? What do you know, Taeyeon?” Jessica’s voice gets quieter and quieter, laced with an edge of frost, and Taeyeon feels like it’s creeping into her and freezing her. “I thought things were getting better between us, I thought I had a chance, but you don’t see me at all, do you? You said you thought about me a lot. Well, maybe you think about me, but you don’t think of me.”

“That’s not true,” Taeyeon says, her voice rising. “I do think of you, all I could think of was how not to hurt you again—”

“Well thank you for your consideration, Saint Taeyeon!”

Taeyeon takes a deep breath so she won’t yell at Jessica, whose eyes are flashing like the promise of a thunderstorm. One angry person between them is enough.

“Jessica, what do you want from me?” she asks softly, helplessly. “I thought you wanted me; well, I want you too, but you tell me first that I’m lying, and then that I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what you want to hear from me.”

Jessica’s eyes are wide and huge in her pale face, and it makes her look young and fragile. “You think that you want me,” she starts in a slow, measured voice, “but you don’t know what it’s like to want someone so badly that it hurts not to see them, but it hurts even more to see them, because they won’t look at you, won’t talk to you. You don’t know what it’s like when the person you want the most wants you the least.”

Taeyeon’s breath freezes in her throat and she feels like her heart does too. Everything is still and silent, in and around her. All she can hear is the soundless echo of Jessica’s words sinking into the air between them, and all she can see is the look on Jessica’s face, a look that cuts into her, wounds her as if Jessica’s pain has manifested physically and transferred to her.

“And then the person that you’ve wanted for so long tells you that she wants you too.”

Jessica’s mouth curves up in the ghost of a smile. There’s no humour in that smile, no warmth, no joy, and when she turns it on Taeyeon along with her gaze, Taeyeon almost shivers.

“Tell me, Taeyeon. What would you do?”

Chapter Text

What could she say to that? What could she possibly say?

“I don’t know,” Taeyeon admits, soft, defeated. “I don’t know what I would do.”

Jessica smiles again, but the expression can’t really be called a smile, just an upward curve of her lips that doesn’t touch her eyes.

Taeyeon has looked at and into Jessica’s eyes so many, many times over the years, and yet it still surprises her how much is in them. Even now, when they’re so dark and bleak, there still seems to be little specks of light in them, like the reflection of stars.

“I was in love with Tiffany,” Taeyeon starts slowly, unsure what to say, just that she has to say something. She has to say something to keep Jessica there, because if Jessica leaves, Taeyeon doesn’t know if she would ever come back. “She didn’t return my feelings, but she still loved me, she still treated me as her best friend, she never pushed me away…”

She trails off and suddenly wonders why Tiffany had never treated her any differently after she found out about her feelings. There was never a point where Tiffany’s behaviour towards her changed; she had always been so warm, so kind, so caring.

Well, of course, she tells herself. She’s Tiffany. It’s not like she would have screamed at you or told you to go away and never see her again.

Taeyeon had been in so much pain because the person she was in love with didn’t love her back. But at least Tiffany has always been very close with her, very considerate of her feelings, nothing like the way she had treated Jessica for so long.

So how on earth could Jessica be in love with her?

“If you want to talk about Tiffany, then go find her and tell her,” Jessica says in a remote voice. “Or tell Yuri. Before she ends up walking down the same path you did.”

“What?”

“Yuri is, if not in love with Tiffany, very close to it. Haven’t you noticed?” Jessica gives her a hard look. “Who am I kidding, you’re not exactly the most perceptive of people.”

“I’m not, am I,” Taeyeon says with a weary chuckle. “You’re right – I didn’t see you. I was so blind. I still am.”

Jessica stills at that, her eyebrows drawing together. A dent forms between them when she frowns these days, and it looks deeper every time Taeyeon sees it. She worries that one day it’ll become permanent.

“I’m just talking about Tiffany because I don’t have any other prior experience to draw upon. I’m not trying to compare you two, but I can’t help comparing…this. I’ve never felt something like this towards anyone but Tiffany, okay, so I just. It’s automatic, I can’t help it.”

Jessica still doesn’t move, her muscles seeming to be locked in place. She doesn’t even blink; she just stares at Taeyeon with such a fixed, deep gaze it’s like she can swallow her just with the force of it.

“I don’t know why I kissed you back. I mean, I do know why, but I—I’m so confused.” Taeyeon takes a breath. “I’m sorry, I know I’ve been really self-centered and unfair to you, because even though I thought about you a lot… You’re right, I haven’t thought of you.”

Jessica blinks finally, her lashes lowering over her eyes. She doesn’t speak and Taeyeon doesn’t either, just looks at her and thinks dizzily and dizzyingly that she just wants to keep looking at her for a little longer, even though Jessica won’t look back at her, even though it hurts.

Is this how Jessica felt?

“What if,” Jessica suddenly says, “what if Tiffany came here right now and told you that she was in love with you and she wanted to be with you? What would you say? What would you do?”

It’s the last question Taeyeon would ever have expected, so she just stares at Jessica, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, unable to speak.

“Don’t tell me you haven’t ever imagined that,” Jessica says flatly.

Taeyeon finds her voice. “Of course I have. I dreamt about it. Sometimes the dream was so real I woke up thinking it really happened, and then I realize it didn’t, and all I wanted was to fall asleep again and return to the dream.”

“So of course you would run right into her arms and you could be happy TaeNy together,” Jessica says, her voice full of bitterness.

“Tiffany would never tell me that. She doesn’t feel that way about me.”

“And it must kill you, huh?”

Taeyeon sighs. “I told you, Jessica, I don’t feel that way anymore.”

“I don’t believe you can spend years of your life loving someone and then just let it all go so quickly.”

“Is that what this is about? Tiffany?” Taeyeon hesitates. “Are you jealous?”

“Am I jealous?” Jessica laughs, and it’s even worse than her smile. Taeyeon almost winces. “How can I be jealous when I can’t compare to her even a little? When have you ever given me a shred of the feelings you’ve given Tiffany?”

Taeyeon’s been rendered speechless many times in their conversation, and she’s struck by it again. She’s never been a verbose person, never been very good with words, especially not when it matters the most.

So instead she just puts her arms around Jessica, who freezes at her embrace, who’s so cold and still she really does feel like a statue. An ice statue, maybe, like her nickname, too beautiful to last.

“I haven’t thought about Tiffany like that in a long time,” Taeyeon says honestly. “I haven’t thought about you like that either, until you kissed me. Then – I don’t know. You’re a really good kisser, you know? Not that it has to do with how I feel, but…you’re a really good kisser.”

Jessica makes a small, pained sound, and Taeyeon realizes that she’s holding Jessica so tightly it’s like she’s trying to crush her. (Really, she’s just trying to keep Jessica here, in the cage of her arms, both of them prisoners.) She must be hurting her. Realizing that, she starts to let go, but Jessica makes another pained sound, higher-pitched this time, sounding like a wounded animal, and tucks her face against Taeyeon’s neck. Her shoulders are faintly shaking, and the shivers spread to her body and she starts trembling all over.

Taeyeon wants to shoot herself. Jessica may present a cool, chic, poised front to the world, and sometimes she really is like that, but they all know that in the group she’s the most fragile, the most easily hurt, the most needing of protection.

And Taeyeon’s failed terribly in that, as a member, as a leader, and as a friend. Instead of protecting Jessica, she’s just hurt her over and over again.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers, loosening her hold so it’s firm but not harsh. Jessica doesn’t seem to hear her; she’s shaking so hard it’s like she’s having a seizure, and Taeyeon can feel something wet against the skin of her neck. Jessica’s tears. She’s crying. Taeyeon’s made her cry, yet again. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

She says the words again and again – a mantra, a litany, an endless chain of guilt and pain and regret – until her voice gets lower and hoarser and finally gives out on her. Even then she keeps mouthing the words.

At the beginning of their conversation, Jessica had been apathetic, impassive, and then her indifference had quickly given way to anger. Now it seems that her anger has left her and revealed what it was covering all along:

Hurt.

“Stop,” Jessica whispers, her voice every bit as hoarse as Taeyeon’s. She hadn’t made a single sound as she was crying, but her voice sounds cried out. Taeyeon remembers that you can have tears in your throat, that they can burn you.

She swallows, feeling the burn. “Stop what?”

“Let go of me,” Jessica says in a small but clear voice. “I don’t want you to touch me.”

“I-I’m sorry.” Taeyeon lets her arms fall away from Jessica, leaning back, but she can’t bring herself to move far.

Jessica wipes her sleeve across her eyes, sniffling. Her fingers are still trembling slightly, the last site of her quake. She looks—blurry, and Taeyeon brings a hand to her own eyes, realizing that they’re wet.

“I keep making you cry,” she whispers, appalled. “I’m a terrible person. You should hit me.”

Jessica’s voice hitches. “Don’t think I haven’t thought about it.”

“You should slap me, punch me, kick me, if you want. You should hate me, not—”

“—love you?” Jessica supplies blandly, moving her arm away from her face. Her eyes are rimmed with red, tear tracks still down her face, and rationally Taeyeon knows she doesn’t look very good (most people don’t after crying), but she’s still beautiful to Taeyeon.

Taeyeon shakes her head. “You shouldn’t love me.”

Jessica is very still for a long moment. She looks down at her lap, tears still clinging to her lashes, and whispers her reply.

“I know. But I still do.”

At that, Taeyeon feels like she’s been slapped, punched, kicked, and beyond all that. Don’t, she almost says, but she can’t bear to, because she wants Jessica to love her. She knows she’s undeserving and unworthy of Jessica’s love, but she still wants it.

“I know you’ll never love me back,” Jessica says quietly. “I know I’m just…being wishful. But I can’t help the way I feel, and I’ve given up on trying.” She looks at Taeyeon then, and it’s like the stars in her eyes have been extinguished and there’s nothing but night sky in them. “I’m sorry I kissed you, but I’m not sorry about how I feel.”

“You shouldn’t be sorry, and I don’t want you to be. I’m the one who’s sorry.”

Jessica gives a tired smile. “Yeah, I think I got that. You only said it about a hundred times.”

“Only a hundred?” Taeyeon tries to smile too, but she doesn’t quite succeed. “You deserve more than that.”

“You don’t have to be sorry,” Jessica says quietly. “I’ve had my dreams too. It’s time for me to wake up.”

“Jessica—”

“I’m sorry I yelled at you. I was—” She sighs; a long, emptying exhale. “It’s tiring to wear a mask for so long. I’m tired. I’m so tired, Taeyeon.”

“You must be,” Taeyeon says, her voice full of sympathy and guilt and something tender that surprises herself, and she leans in and kisses Jessica.

Jessica gasps against her mouth, stock-still for a moment, and then her hands are at Taeyeon’s shoulders, moving in a conflicting motion, pushing and pulling at the same time, like she wants Taeyeon closer to her but also away from her.

Taeyeon acted completely on impulse, lost in the spur of the moment, but now that her mouth is on Jessica’s, she doesn’t regret it.

Jessica digs her nails in with such force that Taeyeon feels it through her shirt, pushing her away. Taeyeon loses her balance and trips over a chair, toppling onto the ground. Her side bangs against the edge of the chair on her way down, and she gingerly presses her hand to it with a hiss. She’ll have a nasty bruise there the next day.

“Taeyeon.” Jessica sounds stricken. “I didn’t mean to – are you okay?”

I’m fine, Taeyeon starts to say, but she looks up and sees the worry in Jessica’s eyes, and she puts on an expression of pain learned from the master, Sunkyu. “Yeah,” she says in a weak voice, sucking in a breath through her teeth (it does hurt, so it’s not like it’s all acting). “I’m okay.”

The worry in Jessica’s eyes rockets up a level, followed by guilt. Wordlessly, she reaches out a hand to help Taeyeon up, and that’s when the rest of the girls come into the kitchen.

There are more than a few eyebrows raised at the scene in front of them: Taeyeon sprawled on the ground beside a knocked over chair and Jessica standing over her, pale and anxious.

Yuri blinks. “Whoa, are you two fighting again?”

Taeyeon schools her face into a calm expression and glances at Jessica, hoping she won’t give anything away, but Jessica isn’t paying Yuri or the other girls any attention. Instead, she’s staring at Taeyeon’s shirt with alarming intensity.

“What?” Taeyeon follows Jessica’s gaze to see that her top has ridden up, partially revealing the area where her side hit the chair. The skin there is red-purple and there’s a long, shallow scratch – they really need to get some new chairs, blunt impact isn’t supposed to do that.

“Sica, it’s okay,” she says reassuringly, even though it’s starting to hurt worse and worse.

“I’m sorry.” Jessica’s voice is so small that Taeyeon barely hears it, and yet somehow it seems to echo in the room.

“It’s okay.” Taeyeon tugs her shirt down. When her hand grazes over the bruise, it sends a painful jolt up her side, and she can’t help her small grimace. Jessica looks devastated; her expression makes Taeyeon feel a stab of pain that makes the ache in her side pale in comparison. “Jessica, I’m okay.”

Jessica doesn’t look convinced in the slightest, so Taeyeon puts her hand over Jessica’s and gives it a reassuring squeeze.

“It was my fault anyway.” She frowns. “Sorry, I should have asked you. I just thought – sorry. I was being self-centered again.”

“You thought I would have liked it?” Jessica asks quietly. “You weren’t wrong.”

Taeyeon’s throat closes up on her. She realizes, suddenly, that her hand is still on Jessica’s, and she doesn’t know if Jessica wants her to let go or not, so she keeps it there awkwardly.

Someone clears her throat, a light sound that startles Taeyeon, who had forgotten that the seven of them were right there in the room with her and Jessica.

“It sounds like we missed a lot of fun,” Sooyoung says blithely. “What have you two been up to?”

“We were—” Jessica starts, no doubt about to make up some kind of excuse, but abruptly an idea strikes Taeyeon, one of the only ways she can convince Jessica that she’s serious, that she’s sincere, and she doesn’t let Jessica finish.

“We were arguing about whether or not to tell you guys.”

“Tell us what?” Sunkyu asks, eyes narrowed slightly.

“That we’re…” Taeyeon looks at Jessica, whose eyes are wide, her face pale, clearly projecting what the hell are you doing, Taeyeon?! “…going out.”

“What?” seven voices chorus together. Jessica just gapes silently at Taeyeon, but her eyes ask – demand, really – the same question.

“Jessica and I, we’re dating,” Taeyeon says calmly. “We just didn’t know how to tell you, or when the right time was to tell you.”

Sooyoung’s eyes look like they’re going to pop out of her head. Yoona glances between the two of them nonstop, as if she has no idea what to make of this news. Juhyun looks quietly thoughtful and Hyoyeon loudly thoughtful, like she’s bursting with questions. Sunkyu’s eyes have narrowed so much that they can’t even be made out anymore.

Tiffany just smiles, not looking very surprised. Yuri goes a step beyond that as she breaks into a wide grin, her eyes bright and knowing. Taeyeon gives the two of them a questioning glance – how could they possibly know (or rather, think they know)? Tiffany and Yuri exchange a conspiratorial look; Tiffany’s smile widens, her eyes disappearing, her cheeks dimpling, and at that smile, Yuri’s softens into something dream-like.

Taeyeon thinks about what Jessica said about them, only confirming what she already saw, and really, it’s unmistakeable. If Tiffany can see Jessica’s feelings for Taeyeon, how can she not see Yuri’s feelings for her?

Jessica turns to Taeyeon and says one word: her name. She packs so much menace into it that Taeyeon has to fight back a shiver. It passes over her anyway and along with it returns a sudden instinct for acting.

“I’m sorry, Sica,” she says innocently. “I know you didn’t want to tell them yet, but I think the timing seemed perfect.”

“You didn’t have to hit Taeyeon unnie for it, Sica unnie,” Yoona says in a reprimanding tone, helping Taeyeon up.

Taeyeon settles into a chair, moving gingerly and trying to look hurt. It’s not hard, because with every move she makes, her side throbs a little more.

Jessica’s face softens the slightest bit, but there’s still a death threat in her eyes, and deep beneath that, volumes and volumes of hurt.

Do you really think I’m playing with you? Taeyeon wonders. How could I stand to do that, after how much I’ve already hurt you? And why would I ever take it this far?

Even if she and Jessica were really in a relationship, she wouldn’t announce it to the girls out of the blue like this, and she knows Jessica knows that and is trying to process why she would do this. She only hopes that Jessica can deduce the real reason, but she doubts it. Jessica thinks too little of herself, or at least of how Taeyeon feels towards her.

If she can’t figure it out, then Taeyeon will have to take the initiative and tell her.

“She didn’t hit me,” Taeyeon says. “It was an accident. We don’t have an abusive relationship.”

“Good,” Sooyoung says. “I wouldn’t want to have to call the cops on you.”

“Do you guys—” Taeyeon looks at them, genuine concern in her eyes now, because no one’s opinion matters more to her than theirs. “Are you okay with it?”

“Why wouldn’t we be okay with it?” Hyoyeon says. “I mean, I’ll take this over the cold war between you guys any day.”

Taeyeon winces a little at the mention of that, and she glances at Jessica, whose face has gone blank. Once again, she’s defaulting to her mask, her defence mechanism.

“If you’re happy, then we’re happy, unnie,” Juhyun says to both of them.

Taeyeon releases a breath she didn’t even know she was holding. Yuri and Tiffany clearly have no problems with it; if anything, their reaction indicates the opposite. Sunkyu, she would have to talk to, and that’ll be tricky. Sooyoung and Hyoyeon are comfortable enough to joke about it, which is a great sign. And Juhyun – Taeyeon didn’t realize how worried she was about the maknae’s reaction, but it turns out she didn’t need to worry.

But of course, the person whose reaction she cares the most about isn’t showing any at all.

“When did this happen?” Tiffany asks, her eyes keen.

“When I went to see Jessica at her parents’ house,” Taeyeon gives a prepared reply. There’s some truth in that anyway. “It was…unexpected, but sometimes surprises are good.”

She squeezes Jessica’s hand, willing her to understand that she means every word, that she isn’t playing around. Maybe Jessica picks up on some of that, because a small amount of emotion returns to her face: confusion, followed by equal measures of anticipation and wariness.

Taeyeon turns to Jessica, facing her fully, and it’s like a degree of tunnel vision comes over her. Her peripheral vision fades and all she sees is Jessica.

“We’d have to tell them someday,” she says with a smile. “Might as well be today, right?”

Jessica just stares at her. “And do you want to tell me something?”

“People say that wishful thinking is futile, but you know, sometimes wishes come true.”

Jessica’s face goes through a spectrum of emotions, from shock to disbelief to suspicion to painfully strained hope.

“You’re serious about this?”

“Wake up,” Taeyeon says softly, and this time she waits a beat, for Jessica’s permission, and when she sees no resistance, she closes the last bit of distance between them and slants her mouth over Jessica’s.

“Okay, okay, we’re happy for you, but we don’t need to see that,” Sooyoung says hastily. “Get a room, will you?”

Jessica’s eyes are hazy, clouded over like she just woke up. Then, when Taeyeon smiles at her, partly from what Sooyoung said, mostly because it seems that Jessica is finally starting to believe her, something bright flickers in them, like a light turning on. Like stars winking to life.

“Are you offering yours?” she asks Sooyoung. There’s that sense of humour again

Sooyoung’s expression of disgust is comical and clearly exaggerated. “I am so glad I’m not rooming with you anymore. I don’t need to see what you two get up to.”

The slightest hint of pink crawls over Jessica’s cheekbones. “We haven’t—gotten up to anything.”

“There’s still time,” Taeyeon whispers in her ear, and the blush spreads to her whole face, even the tips of her ears and the back of her neck. Interesting. Taeyeon wonders where else that blush spreads to.

She thinks about her list, the qualities she wants in a person to be with. Someone who she can be herself with. Someone who she’s comfortable around. Someone who she can be serious or playful with. Someone beautiful, inside and out.

And she realizes that she’s looking at such a person. How had she not managed to see her for so long?

“I’m serious,” Taeyeon replies sincerely, taking Jessica’s hand again, and this time Jessica lets her. She doesn’t do anything else, just holds it, her chest full but not heavy as she looks around at her family and then back at the girl who loves her and who she would like to love one day. “Please believe me. This is what I want.”

And as she says it, her last little bit of doubt fades away, like cotton candy on the tongue, leaving only sweetness behind. She’s not in love with Jessica, and she still doesn’t understand how Jessica could be with her, but like she said, there’s still time. There’s a lot of time, and she know now how she wants to spend it, and more importantly, who she wants to spend it with.

Jessica’s eyes lock with hers, and there’s still doubt in them, and hurt, and disbelief, but there’s also hope, and it’s no longer so strained. She ducks her head so she can whisper in Taeyeon’s ear, her hair falling over both of them, hiding them, sheltering them.

“We need to talk later.”

It’s not a request.

“Okay.”

She feels more than a little wariness about that talk, and more than a little pain from her side, but then Jessica leans back and smiles, faint and tired but undeniably real, effortlessly beautiful, and Taeyeon feels more than a little happiness.

Chapter Text

Taeyeon is debating about what to say to Jessica when Tiffany grabs her arm and practically drags her away.

She rubs her arm, which is a little sore from the force of Tiffany’s grip. “Okay, I’m guessing you want to talk to me.”

“Yes, I do. It’s really important.”

“Yeah, I got that from your nails.”

“Sorry,” Tiffany says, not very apologetically.

“Well?” Taeyeon looks at her expectantly. “What did you want to say to me?”

“I’m asking you,” Tiffany says, her voice low and urgent. “No, I’m demanding you – as your best friend, and as Jessi’s – please just…”

“Just?” Taeyeon prompts when she breaks off.

“Just try to be happy,” Tiffany says, pleads really.

“Well, that is what people try to do.”

“No, that didn’t come out right. I don’t know how to put it.” Tiffany is being uncharacteristically tongue-tied, her expression tense and conflicted. Taeyeon wonders what it is that she finds so hard to get out.

“Don’t screw up?” Taeyeon supplies. “Is that what you mean?”

“I’m tired of seeing you hurt,” Tiffany says, her voice full of sincerity, and under that, the heavy shadow of guilt.

“You don’t have to carry this guilt with you forever, you know. I mean, it’s not like it’s your fault if I’m not happy. Like you’re solely responsible for my happiness or unhappiness.”

Tiffany flinches a little, and Taeyeon realizes how harsh her wording is. “I didn’t mean it like that,” she amends.

“No, you did,” Tiffany says slowly. “You’re right. I’m not solely or mainly responsible for your happiness or unhappiness. It’s just – I’m tired of hurting people.”

Taeyeon understands now that when Tiffany said I’m tired of seeing you hurt, she really meant I’m tired of hurting you.

“You know,” Taeyeon starts brazenly, thinking of obliviousness and hurt and the way Yuri looks at Tiffany. “I’ve noticed that—”

“And I’m tired of seeing Jessi being hurt too,” Tiffany adds. “You two, it’s like you’re always hurting each other and yourselves.”

“It’s mostly been me doing the hurting.” Guilt isn’t just a shadow in Taeyeon’s voice; it immerses all of it.

“So don’t do it anymore.” Tiffany gives her a sharp look. “Don’t play with her feelings, Taeyeon.”

“What?” Taeyeon gapes. “I’m not. I wouldn’t do that, I wouldn’t – I’m not.”

“I know you wouldn’t do it on purpose, but – just think about what you’re doing, okay? Don’t go out with her just because you feel guilty or obligated.”

“I thought you supported me about this.” She stares at Tiffany with some incredulity, and irritation, and hurt. “Where is all this coming from?”

“I do support you,” Tiffany says. “I want you to be happy.”

“But not with Jessica?” Taeyeon is losing her patience now. “You keep saying you want me to be happy, but now that I have a chance, you’re accusing me of all these things. What do you really want to say, Tiffany? What do you want from me?”

Tiffany looks pained. ”I’m sorry, everything sounded better in my head and it came out all wrong. I didn’t mean – I’m not accusing you of anything. I just want to make sure you know what you’re doing, because sometimes we do things out of good intentions, but. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”

She twists her ring – the promise ring her boyfriend gave her – around her finger, and Taeyeon realizes that the things she said…maybe they were from her own experience.

“It’s okay.” Taeyeon softens. She’s always been bad at staying angry at Tiffany. “You’re my best friend. And Jessica’s. I know you just want the best for us.”

“I think you and Jessi are good for each other,” Tiffany says with clear sincerity. “I’ve been waiting for this day. I’m happy for you, both of you.”

“Thank you.”

“And, Taeyeon.”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t screw up.”

She thinks about how Jessica had cried on her shoulder, shaking like a leaf caught in a gale, how small she had felt in Taeyeon’s arms, how delicate, how utterly breakable.

“I won’t.” It’s not really something that she can promise – she’s good at screwing up, after all – but she’ll try her hardest not to. There’s too much at stake.

“I trust you.”

“Fany, I want you to be happy too.”

Tiffany blinks and looks away. “Who said I’m not?”

Taeyeon exhales. “Are we really going to play this game?”

“Taeyeon—”

“I want the best for you too.”

Tiffany’s lips move minimally. “I know.”

Taeyeon’s brow furrows. “Fany…”

“I have to practice with Yuri for Märchen Fantasy,” Tiffany says. “I’ll talk to you later.”

She knows that Tiffany really does have to go and she isn’t just saying that to end the conversation, but she doesn’t know when they’ll get to talk about this again. Tiffany can chatter enough for both of them, but if she doesn’t want to talk about something, she won’t.

“Tiffany,” Taeyeon says as she’s about to turn away.

Tiffany looks at her. “What?”

“Don’t play with her feelings.”

Tiffany’s eyes are soft and dark. She doesn’t say anything.

“It’s not easy to be happy, you know, but…” Taeyeon shrugs. “Sometimes things are hard because they’re worth it.”

Tiffany remains silent, but she nods slowly, eyes heavy with thought and some other weight. “I have to see Yuri,” she says again, only it sounds different this time.

“Okay.”

Tiffany gives a small smile. “TaeTae,” she says. “Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” Taeyeon tells her. “I just—I want you to be happy.”

“I know,” Tiffany murmurs. “I know.”

“Hey,” Taeyeon says quietly.

Jessica is sitting on her bed with her phone in her hand. She’s not looking at it, just clutching it with a grip that looks painfully tight. Her voice is low but steady when she replies.

“Hey.”

“Are you busy?”

“I was going to call Soojung, but…” Jessica shrugs. “I don’t know what to say.”

“It’s hard to know what to say.”

Jessica gives her an unreadable look. “What are you here to say?”

Taeyeon tries for a smile. “Maybe I don’t want to talk. Maybe I just want to see my girlfriend.”

Jessica’s shoulders stiffen and her fingers tighten around her phone, gripping it like she’s drowning and it’s the only thing keeping her adrift.

Taeyeon’s inchoate smile fades away. “Jessica…” She receives no reply, but she doesn’t let it deter her. She walks in, closes the door behind her, and takes a seat on the edge of Jessica’s bed. “Je—”

“Does it hurt?” Jessica asks abruptly.

Taeyeon gives her a blank look. “Does what hurt?”

“Your side,” Jessica says, as if it’s obvious.

“Oh, that. It’s fine,” Taeyeon says dismissively.

“Did you put rubbing alcohol on it?” Jessica presses. “The wound can get infected, you know.”

“It’s not a wound; it’s barely a scratch.”

Jessica looks exasperated. “Taeyeon—”

“I put on some Band-Aids. I’m fine.”

Jessica’s lips are a thin, taut line. “You need to take better care of yourself.”

Taeyeon smiles. “Or you could take care of me instead.”

Jessica tenses up again and stares at Taeyeon with those dark, opaque eyes of hers. “Taeyeon,” she says, sounding pained.

“You said you wanted to talk to me, and – here I am.”

“Here you are,” Jessica says in a soft voice, looking at Taeyeon like she isn’t really sure of that, like maybe she’s dreaming this whole thing. Taeyeon wonders what she has to do to convince Jessica that she’s awake.

“Are you mad at me?” Taeyeon asks.

“What?”

“Because of what I said earlier.” Taeyeon bites her lip. “Are you angry?”

Jessica exhales. “No, I’m not angry. I’m…I don’t know how to feel.”

Doubt is an emotion Taeyeon is more than familiar with. She has never been good at assuaging it, but she’ll have to do better now. There’s too much at stake.

“I meant it,” she says, quiet but firm. “I know I should have asked you first, and I shouldn’t have just told the girls like that, but I knew you wouldn’t have believed me otherwise.”

Jessica’s eyes flash. “Did you think that maybe there’s a good reason I wouldn’t believe you?”

“I know I’ve messed up a lot,” Taeyeon says. “I know I hurt you, but I’m trying hard, Sica. I’m trying.”

“Trying to fix things?”

Taeyeon frowns. “What do you mean?”

“I mean…” Jessica trails off, seeming to lose the end of her sentence as well as some of the light in her eyes.

“You don’t think…” Taeyeon starts, a terrible thought occurring to her. “You don’t think I’m doing this out of guilt, do you? Or—or obligation?”

Jessica doesn’t say anything, not an affirmation or a denial.

“Jessica…”

Taeyeon feels like there are so many layers to Jessica that she can’t hope to uncover them all, and she worries that trying to will be like peeling an onion, only evoking even more tears.

“That’s not why.” Taeyeon’s voice comes out like a whip, sharp and lashing. “That’s not why I’m – God, Jessica, what kind of person do you think I am?”

Jessica lowers her head, hiding her expression from Taeyeon. “I want to believe you,” she says in a small voice. “I want to.”

“Jessica.” Taeyeon’s voice comes out as a choked whisper. “Sooyeon.”

At her Korean name (Taeyeon has no idea why she said it), Jessica looks up, giving Taeyeon a look that’s half surprise, half something indescribable.

“You know I’m not good at—understanding and all that,” Taeyeon says helplessly, “and maybe I don’t understand all this, but…I like it when you smile. And I like having you close to me. I don’t know how to explain it, I just. I like you.”

“Taeyeon,” Jessica whispers.

She realizes, suddenly, that she never told Jessica that. She told her ‘I want you’ and she meant it, but ‘I like you’ means something different, doesn’t it?

“I like you,” Taeyeon repeats. She shifts closer to Jessica, not close enough for them to touch, but close enough so that she doesn’t feel like there’s a wall between them, keeping them apart even though they’re right beside each other.

“Taeyeon,” Jessica says again, like her vocabulary has been reduced to that one word. She looks at Taeyeon the way people look at meteor showers, like a beautiful sight that can make wishes come true.

How can you look at me like that? Taeyeon wonders. What do you see?

She supposes that they both see each other in a different light from the way they see themselves. It’s something they can both work on, she thinks wryly.

“I don’t.” Taeyeon breaks off. “I don’t understand how after everything, you can still…”

“Sometimes I don’t understand either. You just—” Jessica draws in a sharp breath. “When I look at you, it hurts, but I can’t stop looking.”

“How—” Taeyeon swallows. “How long?”

“I’m not sure, exactly.” Jessica’s eyes cloud over with recollection. “When you—started ignoring me, it made me realize that I-I cared about you as more than a friend. And then we made up, and you…you talked to me more. You paid more attention to me.” Her eyes are still distant, but they look a little brighter. “I liked it.”

Taeyeon’s throat is painfully tight. “Jessica.”

“And then I hit my head, and you were so worried, and I felt like I must have hit it harder than I thought.” Jessica’s voice is detached now, like she’s telling a story, like she’s talking about someone else’s life entirely. “When you were at my house…I know I shouldn’t have kissed you, but God Taeyeon, you don’t know how many times I’ve imagined you on my bed, telling me you care about me.”

Her throat isn’t just tight now but also dry. It occurs to her that they’re on Jessica’s bed right now, and the same realization seems to come to Jessica because she drops her head, avoiding eye contact again.

Taeyeon swallows convulsively, but it doesn’t help much. “How did it compare? To your imagination?”

Jessica glances up through her lashes, her bottom lip caught between her teeth. Taeyeon wants to kiss her.

Instead, she shakes her head. “Sorry, I…Don’t mind me.”

“How can my imagination hold a candle to you?” Jessica whispers.

“Jessica.” Taeyeon doesn’t know what to say. What to do. She wants to kiss Jessica. She wants to hold her. She wants to—she wants her.

Somehow all that comes out as: “Can I kiss you?”

Jessica bites her lip again, looking shy and wanting at the same time. Her lashes flutter, and her lips part, and she gives a small nod.

Taeyeon kisses her, winding a hand in her hair, breathing her in. Jessica doesn’t actively kiss back for a moment, but when Taeyeon’s tongue strokes over hers, she shivers and responds eagerly, heatedly, surging against Taeyeon like she wants to erase the meagre distance between them.

After they break away from each other, Taeyeon’s heart is lurching against her ribs, her lungs fighting to take in each breath.

“Taeyeon.” Jessica drops her head against Taeyeon’s shoulder. “I’ve had this dream before, you know.”

Jessica’s hair is tickling Taeyeon, the scent of her shampoo suffusing the air between them. Taeyeon feels surrounded by her, and it’s not an unpleasant feeling.

“You’re not dreaming,” she says softly.

“I know.” Jessica curls a hand in her shirt, turning her face so that it’s pressed against Taeyeon’s neck. She seems to shrink in on herself for a second, but she straightens up and looks at Taeyeon, a smile in her eyes. “This is too real to be a dream.”

“Jessica…”

“You told me to wake up, and I wasn’t sure…” Jessica’s eyes flicker from Taeyeon’s eyes to her lips. “I know I’m awake now though, and – here you are.”

“Here I am.” Taeyeon doesn’t know if it’s her who leans in or Jessica, but it doesn’t really matter because their lips are meeting again, and Jessica’s right. This is too real, too good, to be a dream. This is not what Taeyeon had thought of before, not what she expected, but like she told Jessica, sometimes surprises are good.

Sometimes your expectations are eclipsed by the unexpected.

Sunkyu steeples her fingers. “So…you and Jessica, huh?”

Taeyeon takes a sip of coffee. “Yeah.”

“Huh.” Sunkyu’s coffee sits untouched beside her. “How did that happen?”

“I just told you guys—”

“You told me something different when you came back from Jessica’s house.” Sunkyu arches her eyebrows. “You didn’t say anything about getting into a relationship.”

Taeyeon rubs a hand over her forehead. “Oh, that’s right. I didn’t.”

Sunkyu looks at her expectantly, eyebrows faintly raised, and Taeyeon offers a sheepish smile in reply. “It’s…complicated.”

“I have time.”

“Why don’t you drink your coffee?” Taeyeon suggests. “You didn’t even mix the milk and sugar properly.”

Sunkyu takes the spoon from Taeyeon’s cup. “I’ll keep this away from you.”

Taeyeon drinks some more of her coffee. She had added more sugar than she usually does and the sweetness is a bit overwhelming, but she welcomes the warmth the drink brings her.

“We are together now,” Taeyeon says slowly. “It’s just – it’s complicated.”

“Maybe you’re making it more complicated than it needs to be.”

“She said she loves me,” Taeyeon says in a quiet voice. Sunkyu doesn’t look very surprised. “And she thinks that – she thought that…” She trails off, her chest tight. “She wouldn’t believe me.”

“Well, you didn’t believe her,” Sunkyu points out.

“I guess we’re alike in that aspect.”

“You’re alike in quite a few aspects,” Sunkyu says. “Maybe that’s part of why you…” She shrugs.

“I thought opposites were supposed to attract.”

“Well, you did have feelings for Tiffany.”

“Now you sound like I’m just going around falling for my members.”

“By that logic, am I next?” Sunkyu asks with a smile. Taeyeon just rolls her eyes. “I’m just saying – you and Jessica are similar in certain ways, and she understands you. That’s important, you know, understanding.”

“Yeah, I know.” Taeyeon runs her finger along the rim of her cup. “Tiffany told me not to play with Jessica’s feelings. Not to date her because I feel guilty or obligated.”

Sunkyu doesn’t reply right away, taking a drink of her coffee instead. It must be cold by now, but she doesn’t seem to mind.

“You know why she said that, right?”

Taeyeon frowns. “I thought she liked him.”

“Maybe she did. Maybe she told herself that enough times to believe it.”

“I’m not doing the same thing,” Taeyeon says. “I’m not telling myself to like Jessica. I just do.”

Sunkyu smiles. “You like her and you look happy. That doesn’t sound too complicated.”

“That’s—a very concise synopsis.”

“Am I wrong?”

“No.” Taeyeon finishes her coffee. “You’re not wrong.”

Taeyeon hisses, her abdomen flexing involuntarily.

Jessica gives her a contrite look. “Sorry, am I doing it too hard?”

“No, I’m just—sensitive.”

Jessica sets the rubbing alcohol-soaked cotton swab to the side and picks up a roll of gauze.

Taeyeon frowns. “Is that really necessary?”

“Yes,” Jessica says simply, shooting her a look that makes it clear this isn’t up for argument. With an exaggerated sigh, Taeyeon relents. She doesn’t think she has much of a choice anyway.

She’s usually not very ticklish, but she finds herself biting back a giggle as Jessica gently brushes a hand over her side.

Jessica smiles. “I didn’t know you were ticklish.”

“I’m not.” Jessica tickles her purposefully this time, and she squirms away, laughing. “Okay, I’m usually not,” she amends.

“Hold still for a sec,” Jessica says, carefully applying the gauze. Her tongue is poking out the side of her mouth, her lashes swept low over her eyes, and Taeyeon finds herself just watching her. Jessica cuts a strip of gauze, gently pats it into place on Taeyeon’s skin, and sticks medical tape around the edges to adhere it. “There,” she says in a satisfied voice.

Taeyeon grins. “Thanks, Dr. Jung.”

Jessica gives a faint smile, her fingers lingering on Taeyeon’s skin. “You were a good patient.” She turns away to put the gauze and tape back in the cupboard.

“Do I get a reward for that?”

Jessica takes rather long to close the cupboard, but when she turns back to Taeyeon, she’s smiling.

“I’m sorry; I’m all out of lollipops.”

“That’s too bad.” Taeyeon tugs Jessica toward her. “I guess you’ll have to give me something else.”

“Taeyeon,” Jessica whispers, their faces an inch apart.

Taeyeon draws back a little. “Yeah?”

Jessica pulls down the hem of Taeyeon’s shirt. She hadn’t even noticed that it was still bunched up from when Jessica was fixing her up.

“You…” Jessica shakes her head. “Never mind.”

Taeyeon’s eyebrows draw together. “No, I want to mind,” she says lightly. “What were you going to say?”

“Sometimes,” Jessica says quietly, “when you want something for so long and you finally get it—”

“You’re disappointed?”

“Disappointed?” Jessica looks at her like she’s crazy. “Why would I be disappointed?”

“Because,” Taeyeon wets her lips, “because I don’t live up to your expectations.”

Jessica’s the frowning one now. “I don’t expect you to be anything, Taeyeon. I just…I want you, as you are.”

Taeyeon digs her nails into her palm. “Everyone has expectations.”

“What about you? What do you expect from me?”

“I don’t know.” Taeyeon feels small and unsure all of a sudden. “I guess I just…I have all these questions, but I don’t have answers.”

“Taeyeon.” Jessica’s voice is achingly gentle. “You’re not a disappointment. This is—different from what I thought. But different isn’t a bad thing.” She smiles, soft, fond, and Taeyeon thinks again that she doesn’t deserve her. “I told you, right? My imagination can’t compare to you.”

“You must not have a good imagination.”

Jessica laughs. “I’m insulted. For your information, when I was a kid, I always coloured outside the lines.”

Taeyeon suddenly imagines a young Jessica shooting an icy glare at anyone who dared to take her crayons. “Did you?”

“Yeah. It was too much work to stay inside them.”

Taeyeon chuckles. “I bet you loved nap-time.”

“I still do,” Jessica says with a grin.

“Jessica,” Taeyeon says quietly.

Her grin softens into a smile. “What is it?”

“I didn’t expect – this – us, but…I was thinking earlier that sometimes your expectations can’t measure up to the unexpected.”

Jessica doesn’t say anything and just looks at Taeyeon with a light in her eyes for a while. “See,” she says, smiling. “You do have answers after all.”

Taeyeon doesn’t, not really, but maybe she doesn’t have to have answers. Maybe she could just take things one step at a time. She breathes against Jessica’s mouth, tasting berry and mint and opportunity, and closes her eyes, enjoying the sweetness of the unexpected.

Chapter Text

They kiss, a lot. Taeyeon likes kissing Jessica, and it’s not just because Jessica is great at it. Kissing Jessica doesn’t make butterflies explode in her stomach or anything, but it’s—

She hesitates to label it nice because it’s far from just nice. It’s like touching the edge of a candle flame, like remembering a word that’s been dancing on the edge of your tongue. It’s too much. It’s not enough. It’s Jessica.

Taeyeon’s eyes are usually closed when they kiss, but sometimes when she opens them and sees the way Jessica looks while kissing her…

It makes her press back harder with her lips, with her tongue, with her whole body and the want she can feel burning beneath the surface of her skin. She wonders if Jessica knows how badly Taeyeon wants her. She wonders if she knows how badly Jessica wants her. Sometimes Jessica kisses her like she’d be happy to just keep doing this forever and she doesn’t need anything more, would never need anything more. Other times Jessica kisses her like she wants to consume her, like she wants to breathe her in and swallow her whole and keep her to herself.

“You’re—really good at this,” Taeyeon gasps.

Jessica tugs Taeyeon’s bottom lip into her mouth and bites down on it rather harshly, like she wants to leave the imprint of her teeth behind. Taeyeon feels light-headed but in a decidedly pleasant way.

“You’re not so bad yourself,” Jessica murmurs, one hand cupping Taeyeon’s jaw, the other settling at the small of her back, her touch warm through two layers of clothing. Jessica likes to do that, to put her hands on Taeyeon, like she’s memorizing the feel of her, like she’s staking a claim.

Taeyeon doesn’t mind.

When Taeyeon was a teenager, she couldn’t stand coffee. She found it too bitter, no matter how much milk and sugar she added. Over the years, however, she drank so much of it that she almost worried she was becoming a caffeine addict. It isn’t the worst thing to be addicted to, she supposes. She knows plenty of idols who resort to much worse substances than caffeine to either live or escape their lives.

Of course, her body has built up a tolerance towards caffeine, but it still goes a long way when it comes to waking her up. She’s nursing a can of coffee now as Hyoyeon joins her at the kitchen table.

“I swear, you go through those like maknae with sweet potatoes.”

Taeyeon taps her fingers idly against the can. “I like coffee.”

“I’ve noticed,” Hyoyeon says dryly.

“I didn’t used to. Right after we debuted, I drank a lot of it to stay awake, but I didn’t like it. I guess over the years it just grew on me.”

Hyoyeon nods, nursing a cup of some steaming liquid.

“What’s that?” Taeyeon asks.

“Herbal tea.”

Taeyeon stares at her. “Since when do you drink herbal tea?”

“Maknae got me into it. This kind is actually pretty good.”

“Soon you’ll be eating sweet potatoes and discussing global warming with her.”

“Don’t count on it.” Hyoyeon blows across the surface of her drink. “Is there something going on, Taengoo?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean—you look like you want to talk.”

Taeyeon doesn’t want to talk, really, but she thinks that it would be a good idea. The girls had taken the news about her and Jessica very well, but they haven’t talked about it since then, and she doesn’t know what to think. Her members have always told her about their boyfriends, and sometimes it even felt like they were asking for her blessing, but this…this is something completely different. She’s dating a girl, and not just any girl, but Jessica.

“Taengoo?”

“I don’t really want to talk,” she admits, “but I think we should.”

Hyoyeon looks understanding. “About you and Jessica?”

Taeyeon nods, wrapping her fingers more tightly around her coffee. “You guys have been great about it,” she starts.

“We are pretty great,” Hyoyeon agrees.

A faint smile flickers over Taeyeon’s face. “But it’s—pretty big news. And I know I sprung it on you out of nowhere.”

“I’m not sure if it’s something you could really build up to.”

“I don’t want…” Taeyeon hesitates. “I don’t want things to be awkward between us.”

“Taengoo, this is us. Do you think that we’re going to…to judge you, or condemn you, or something?”

“I know you would never make things hard on me or Jessica, but that doesn’t mean we wouldn’t make you uncomfortable. And that’s—” Taeyeon swallows. “I would understand, if you were.”

“Taeyeon,” Hyoyeon says gently. “I can’t speak for everyone, but I’m not uncomfortable. I was—surprised, not just because it was Jessica, but because you were dating at all. I mean, we’ve all dated some time or the other, but I’ve never really seen you in a serious relationship.”

“Yeah, I guess I haven’t really had one.” Taeyeon fiddles with the tab of her drink. “I’ve always thought that work came first and romance came second.”

“Most of us did think that. They taught us to think that.”

The industry taught them how to act, how to pretend, how to deceive, and they’ve long since learned to use those tricks on the people who taught them. You could call it biting the hand that feeds you, or you could call it survival. Personally, she prefers the latter.

“But I mean…” Taeyeon says thoughtfully. “It’s not necessarily either or, right?”

Hyoyeon’s gaze is soft. “No, it’s not.”

“I didn’t see this coming either,” Taeyeon admits about her and Jessica. “It caught me by surprise too.”

“Are you calling Jessica an ‘it’ now?”

Taeyeon rolls her eyes. “I value my life, thank you.”

“You should,” Hyoyeon says lightly, “value your life. Live it to the fullest.”

“You sound like one of those motivational speakers.”

“I think I would make a great one.”

“I think so too.”

Hyoyeon takes another sip of tea – she really seems to like it. Maybe Taeyeon should try some too; it would probably delight Juhyun. Tea is supposed to be detoxing, and she must have more than her fair share of toxins.

“Jessica asked me too, you know.” Hyoyeon puts down her cup. “If I was okay with you two.”

“And – are you?” Taeyeon asks. “Okay?”

“Do you remember what you said to me when I told you about oppa?”

Taeyeon has to search her memory for that. Hyoyeon has been dating him forever, after all. “Something about – if he makes you happy, then I’m happy for you.”

“If you make each other happy, then I’m happy for you.” Hyoyeon smiles. “Okay?”

Taeyeon smiles back, her chest feeling light. It hadn’t been heavy earlier, per se, but – it feels light now. She feels light now. “Okay.”

Their schedules have been especially hectic lately with Märchen Fantasy looming ahead of them, especially since they have individual performances as well as collective ones. Taeyeon really likes the song they picked for her, especially since she gets to sit down and just sing. That’s all she’s ever really wanted to do, after all – to sing. She doesn’t mind dancing, and some of their choreographies are actually quite enjoyable, but she’s always wanted to be a singer first and foremost. An artist, instead of just an idol.

She thinks about such things quite often, about the path she envisioned herself walking upon when she signed on the dotted line as a teenager, and the path she’s walking on now, and she wonders if they’re the same path, or if they’re in fact utterly different ones without many points of convergence. She doesn’t think she knows the answer, and maybe – maybe that’s okay. Maybe she doesn’t have to know. Like she told Tiffany, the only direction she knows is towards them, and that’s the direction that matters. Maybe she doesn’t know the exact path she’s walking on, but she’s happy with where she’s going, and that’s enough.

“Taengoo, have you eaten yet?” Jessica asks, crossing the kitchen to the fridge. She opens the freezer and pokes her head in like she wants to immerse herself in the cold air. She looks flushed and out of breath; she must have been practicing her routine, something Taeyeon is yet to see.

Taeyeon looks at her and thinks about closing the distance between them. She thinks about heading toward Jessica, a path that she’s becoming increasingly familiar with. “No,” she replies. “Have you?”

“Not yet, I’ve been—”

“—practicing,” she finishes knowingly.

Jessica turns away from the fridge, toward Taeyeon, and carelessly brushes her hair away from her face with the back of her hand. “I have to. Not all of us get to just sit there and sing, you know.”

Taeyeon pouts. “Sitting there and singing is a lot of work.”

Jessica rolls her eyes, but she’s smiling. “You should eat something, then, so you can be healthy for all that work.”

“I’m not hungry.” Maybe that can of coffee has filled her up. She doesn’t feel wanting of food, or of anything, right now anyway, her eyes drinking Jessica in. She has something much healthier and more fulfilling than caffeine to fuel her. “Anyway, my English pronunciation has gotten a lot worse. I need the practice.”

“Your English is still a lot better than most of the idols out there.”

“I know,” Taeyeon says, not proud, just matter-of-fact. “But it’s not good enough.”

“What is good enough then?”

“You.”

Jessica’s eyebrows fly up. “Me?”

“Your English is – obviously I can’t ever reach your level, but…”

“Tiffany’s English is better than mine,” Jessica says offhandedly.

“I’m not asking Tiffany for help. I’m asking you.”

There’s half a smile on Jessica’s face. Taeyeon wants to see the rest of it.

“You haven’t asked me anything,” Jessica says mildly.

“Do you remember when you hired me as your personal hairstylist?”

Jessica smiles. “I’m still drawing up the papers.”

“Did you do the salary section yet?”

“Don’t worry, I have a great payment system in mind.”

Taeyeon’s mind goes straight to the gutter. By the time she collects her thoughts, it’s too late to shoot a witty remark back. Jessica looks very amused. “What are you thinking?”

“Uh…” Jessica’s the one making the innuendos (they are innuendos, right?), so it’s not like she doesn’t know what she’s doing.

Jessica shakes her head with a smile. “ByunTaeyeon,” she sighs fondly.

“Is that my new nickname now?”

Jessica makes a face. “That’s a mouthful of a nickname.”

“I think I like Taengoo better, anyway.”

“Taengoo,” she says sweetly, and maybe it’s the aegyo, or maybe it’s Jessica, but Taeyeon finds her face warming and has to look away from Jessica for a moment.

Jessica tilts her head to the side. “What?”

“Since when did you have so much aegyo?”

“It’s not aegyo. I’m just naturally cute.”

Taeyeon laughs. “Okay, whatever you say.”

“What?” Jessica pouts. “You don’t think I’m cute?”

“You’re adorable,” Taeyeon tells her. “The word ‘cute’ just reminds me of children and puppies, and I don’t think of you the way I think of children and puppies.”

Jessica’s eyes look the slightest bit darker. “How do you think of me then?”

Instead of answering with words, Taeyeon leans in for a kiss. Jessica’s lips are dry, a little chapped, but they part readily upon the touch of Taeyeon’s tongue, and the inside of her mouth is all silky, wet warmth. Jessica takes her hand and laces their fingers together, moving their joined hands to her chest.

Taeyeon feels every beat of Jessica’s heart underneath her fingertips, thrumming, throbbing until she can’t tell whether it’s Jessica’s heartbeats she’s feeling or her own.

She thinks about talking to Jessica about what Hyoyeon said, maybe bringing up the other girls, but she’s not sure how to do it. Talking about things has never been one of her strong suits. Then again, Jessica is much the same way. Usually that means Taeyeon doesn’t feel pressured to talk, but other times, it just makes the pressure that much stronger.

It feels like she’s getting better at bearing the pressure though, that it’s easier, or maybe that she’s stronger. Maybe being with Jessica has given her that strength. She’s thinking about that as Jessica walks into her room, fresh from the shower, her hair damp, her oversized shirt close to slipping down her shoulder.

Taeyeon swallows, her throat going dry. She doesn’t feel very strong right now.

Jessica smiles, running a hand distractedly through her hair. The action makes the collar of her shirt slip down further, revealing the smooth, bare slope of her shoulder. Taeyeon doesn’t stare. Definitely not.

“Can I borrow your hair dryer?” Jessica asks. “Mine isn’t working.”

Her shirt is so long that she doesn’t look like she’s wearing anything underneath, even though Taeyeon knows she must have shorts on. Maybe she doesn’t, Taeyeon thinks, maybe she’s just wearing a shirt, maybe Taeyeon can just—

“Taeng?” Jessica asks. “Are you there?”

Taeyeon clears her throat. “Yeah, sorry. I was just—thinking.”

Jessica looks at her expectantly. “So, can I?”

“Can you what?”

“Borrow your hair dryer.”

“Oh. Yeah, sure. It’s—somewhere over there.” Taeyeon gestures vaguely towards her dresser.

“Thanks.” Jessica rubs her hands down her arms, shivering slightly. “It’s so cold. Did someone turn the heat down?”

Is it cold? Taeyeon doesn’t feel any hint of a chill with Jessica in the room. “I can go turn it up for you,” she offers, knowing that Jessica probably doesn’t want to make the trip into the hall to the thermostat.

“No, it’s okay,” Jessica says. “I can warm myself with the hair dryer.” Sometimes she says such strange things, or she says something completely normal and it comes out strange anyway. They used to deem that the ‘Sica Effect’ almost mockingly, but over the years it’s turned into a fond term, something they say with amused affection.

Jessica is looking at her curiously. Taeyeon must be staring at her. Sometimes she does that without realizing; she just means to look at Jessica for a moment, but once her eyes land on her, she can’t draw them away.

“Taeng?” Jessica says again. “Something wrong?”

Taeyeon shakes her head. “Come here,” she murmurs, her voice coming out quiet and rather ragged.

Jessica looks confused but she abandons her search for the hair dryer and sits down beside Taeyeon on the bed. Taeyeon reaches toward her and fixes her collar, pulling it up so her shoulders are covered.

“No wonder you’re cold,” Taeyeon says critically. “You’re wearing so little.”

Jessica’s smile makes her stomach flip over. “Do you mind? You looked like you wished I was wearing even less.”

Taeyeon feels like all the blood in her body rushes to her face. She opens her mouth and, upon consideration, closes it. It takes her a few seconds to recover her voice. “I don’t want you to get sick,” she says weakly.

“I’m not going to get sick.” Jessica’s eyes are so dark that it looks like her pupils have swallowed her irises. Taeyeon feels like they’re going to swallow her too. “Tae—”

Taeyeon surges forward and seals their lips together. She’s not sure where to put her hands – she wants to touch Jessica anywhere and everywhere – and somehow one of them ends up in Jessica’s hair and the other on her waist. Jessica does feel cold at first, but she warms up quickly under Taeyeon’s lips and fingers, and Taeyeon feels like there’s fire licking at every point of contact between them. She might end up getting consumed in the flames, but it would be well worth it. More than worth it.

Jessica pulls away slowly, regretfully. “I have to go,” she says breathlessly. “I promised Soojung I would call her half an hour ago. She’s been all worried about me these days. She’ll think I died if I don’t call.”

“Does she…” Taeyeon starts haltingly. “Did you—”

“—tell her?” Jessica finishes. “No, not yet. I wasn’t sure if you—” Her tongue flickers over her bottom lip, and Taeyeon’s eyes follow the movement. “Do you want me to tell her?”

“I don’t know,” Taeyeon says honestly. “Do you want to tell her?”

“She’s my sister. I think—”

“JESSICA!” Sooyoung’s voice bellows from somewhere beyond the hallway, making both of them jump. “IF YOU DON’T PICK UP YOUR PHONE, I’M GOING TO SHOVE IT UP YOUR—”

“That must be Soojung,” Jessica says apologetically.

Taeyeon rubs her ear with a wince. “I think I lost some of my hearing.”

Jessica presses her lips against the shell of Taeyeon’s ear. “There, I just brought it back.”

“You’re so ridiculous,” Taeyeon laughs, tasting the sweetness of Jessica’s answering smile when Jessica kisses her.

“Unnie? Are you okay?” Juhyun asks when she catches Taeyeon glaring at the thermostat like she wants to vaporize it.

“The stupid thing is not working.” Taeyeon glowers. “This number is a lie. There’s no way it’s actually this warm.”

“That’s the temperature we set it at, unnie. Not the temperature it is right now.”

“Oh.”

Juhyun looks like she’s suppressing a smile. “It won’t take long for the temperature to rise.”

“Uh huh.” Taeyeon scratches the back of her head sheepishly. “I knew that.”

Juhyun is smiling outright now. “Of course.”

“Maybe the toxins are getting to my brain. I could use some detoxing. I was thinking of trying your herbal tea thing.”

“Really? That’s great!” Juhyun says brightly. “I have many different varieties. Do you want to try one right now?”

Taeyeon doesn’t particularly feel like tea, but she doesn’t particularly feel against it either. She shrugs and says, “Sure.” Juhyun heads to the kitchen and Taeyeon follows her. “So if they ask us who makes the tea, are you going to tell them it’s the kettle?”

“Unnie.” Coming from Juhyun, it’s practically a whine. “The rice cooker does make our rice. The kettle only makes water, not tea.”

Taeyeon waves her hand airily. “You and your technicalities.”

“Which kind of tea do you want?” Juhyun asks, holding out a whole bunch of packets.

“You pick one. I trust you.”

Juhyun turns on the sink to fill up the kettle, her movements deft and precise. Even when she’s just moving around the kitchen, she’s graceful. Taeyeon has always envied that easy grace of hers. There are many things to envy about Juhyun, really. Even though she’s the youngest, she’s never needed any of them to coddle her. Strangely, that just made them want to coddle her even more.

“Unnie,” Juhyun starts, at the same time Taeyeon says, “Juhyunnie.”

Juhyun smiles. “You first.”

“I was talking to Hyoyeon this morning.”

“I know, unnie told me.”

“Did she tell you what we were talking about?”

Juhyun plugs in the kettle and turns it on. “I’m not uncomfortable about you and Jessica unnie.”

Taeyeon isn’t sure how to react to Juhyun’s blunt statement. She doesn’t mind Hyoyeon telling Juhyun exactly what she said; she just isn’t sure how to continue this conversation.

“Unnie, to be honest, I was…worried about you and Jessica unnie before. When you were…”

“Fighting?”

“When you weren’t getting along.” Juhyun really has a way with euphemisms. “You were so unhappy, both of you.”

Taeyeon taps her fingers restlessly against the counter. “You never said anything.”

Juhyun looks pained. “I wasn’t sure if it was my place to.”

Taeyeon holds her gaze. “You’re not my dongsaeng, you know. You’re my friend.” They’re not just friends, the nine of them, they’re a family. Juhyun knows that; they all do.

“I mean…” Juhyun hesitates. “I talked to Jessica unnie about it, but she—she was very upset. She asked me to leave it alone, and I didn’t want to upset her any further, so I did.”

Taeyeon’s heart feels heavy and her lip, numb. “She…” It’s the only word she can get out.

“What happened in the past is in the past, unnie,” Juhyun tells her. “What you and Jessica unnie have now, that’s what’s important.”

Taeyeon smiles. “You’re really great, you know that, Juhyun?”

“You’ve told me that a few times.” The kettle goes off, startling Taeyeon. “I’ll have your tea ready soon, unnie. Why don’t you take a seat?”

She does that, closing her eyes and sinking into the chair. She hears a clunk as Juhyun sets a mug in front of her and breathes in the steam from the tea, the fragrant scent settling in her body, light and soothing.

Taeyeon’s eyes are fixed on the television; she can vaguely make out blurry lights and the low buzz of voices, but she isn’t taking them in. Jessica’s sleeping on her shoulder, and she feels herself slipping into sleep too, but for whatever reason it’s eluding her. Maybe the leftover adrenaline from a hard day’s practice is keeping her up. Her body has been managing the delicate balance between adrenaline and exhaustion for years, but on days like these, she feels like it hasn’t gotten any better at it.

It’s okay. There’s something restful about just sitting like this anyway, alone and together with Jessica. She remembers the last time Jessica slept on her shoulder – on the ride to the airport – and the memory presses against her temples with an ache. She doesn’t want to remember what happened at the airport, but her mind, as usual, disobeys her and replays the situation with masochistic clarity.

“Taeyeon.” She startles at the sound of her name, breaking her away from the past. It turns out that Jessica isn’t asleep after all.

Taeyeon shifts, feeling pins and needles in her shoulder. “Hmm?”

For someone who appeared to be peacefully sleeping for the past few minutes, Jessica looks very awake now. She licks her lips, looking at Taeyeon with soft and intent eyes. “Why did you call me Sooyeon before?”

“Isn’t that your name?”

“Nobody calls me that anymore. Why did you?”

“I…I don’t know.” Taeyeon almost shrugs, but she realizes that it would jostle Jessica and she keeps her shoulder steady. “It just came out.”

“Oh.” She can’t decipher Jessica’s tone. “Okay.”

“Do you mind?” She knows that Jessica prefers her English name, but she doesn’t think that Sooyeon bothers her like Sunkyu bothers Sunny or Miyoung bothers Tiffany.

“No. Actually, I-I kind of liked it.”

That surprises Taeyeon. “You did?”

“It’s not about the name.” Jessica bites her lip. “It’s the way you said it.”

“How did I say it?”

“I can’t describe it.” Jessica raises her head from Taeyeon’s shoulder. Even though it alleviates the pins and needles, Taeyeon misses having her lean on her, misses supporting her. “It’s – it’s weird. Never mind. Forget that I mentioned it.”

Taeyeon tries to surreptitiously rub her shoulder, but obviously she’s terrible at being subtle, because Jessica zeroes in on the motion immediately.

“Sorry, are you uncomfortable?” Jessica asks.

“It’s okay. I don’t mind being your pillow.” Taeyeon smiles and pats her shoulder, but Jessica doesn’t take the invitation. Instead, she looks at Taeyeon, her gaze bright and liquid.

“My shoulder is fine,” is the only thing Taeyeon can think of saying.

“Taeyeon,” Jessica says quietly, just that, her name, packing so much into the two syllables that Taeyeon is struck silent. It takes her a long moment to recover her voice.

“Hmm?”

Jessica says nothing, just looks at her with stars in her eyes. Taeyeon’s breath catches in her throat and she wonders, yet again, what Jessica sees when she looks at her, wonders what Jessica sees in her.

Jessica smiles and returns her head to Taeyeon’s shoulder. “You make a nice pillow.”

Taeyeon doesn’t know what to say, so she puts her arm around Jessica and holds her closer, tighter, right to her. She closes her eyes and presses her face against Jessica’s hair, breathing her in. Jessica feels more vital, more potent, than air to her, and she can’t take in enough of her.

Chapter Text

Taeyeon once again finds herself in the kitchen on a sleepless night, although this time she’s alone. She had only meant to get a drink, but she finds herself sitting at the table nursing her cooling milk, her mind drifting to a familiar place: the past.

She remembers another night like this, when she couldn’t fall asleep and had come seeking a drink to chase off her insomnia (although in retrospect, perhaps she should have gone for something stronger than milk), and she had been startled by the sight of Jessica. Granted, their conversation hadn’t been the most pleasant, but she catches herself glancing toward the hallway now, hoping for a flash of tawny hair…

No, she shouldn’t be hoping to see Jessica. Jessica’s been so busy lately, helping Taeyeon with her English as well as working on her own performance, and she loves sleep more than the rest of them put together. Taeyeon knows that Jessica would happily sleep twelve hours per day if she was allowed to, but given their lifestyle, they often don’t even get that amount of sleep in three days. Compared to all the other things they’ve given up, sleep almost seems insignificant.

Taeyeon closes her eyes and remembers herself at fifteen, stepping into a recording booth, fraught with nerves under many pairs of watchful eyes and ears; remembers herself at eighteen, giving a speech before their debut stage while she thought her heart would leap out of her chest; remembers herself at twenty, turning away to cry while her members sought solace in each other’s arms.

She exhales, halfway to a sigh, pillowing her cheek on her hand as she stares out aimlessly into the darkness. Maybe there’s something about the kitchen. It’s far from the first time she’s sat here thinking, especially at night, with only a dim light turned on and her own thoughts for company. Her own brooding, critical thoughts. Sometimes she wonders why she’s so negative, so hard on herself, so quick to pick out the tiniest fault and focus on it until she could see nothing else.

This time, the breath that she lets out is definitely a sigh, so heavy that she almost expects it to be visible, to see her breath dissipating in the air. She’s grateful that the other girls aren’t here, that she can hold on to her solitude and wrap it around herself like a blanket and stay cocooned within. She’s grateful to be alone; she wants it, craves it, and yet, she hates it. She knows that it makes no sense, but that’s the way she is, the way she’s always been.

She almost jumps out of her chair when she sees a figure approaching her, and then the lights are on and she’s looking into a tired face.

“Taengoo, what are you doing up?” Sunkyu asks through a yawn.

“Couldn’t sleep,” Taeyeon replies, fighting down a wave of disappointment.

Sunkyu looks concerned, her face lined with sleep, her eyes bleary.

“Did I wake you up?” Taeyeon asks. She has no idea how she could have, given that she hasn’t been doing anything except sitting and thinking, but she doesn’t know what Sunkyu would be doing up otherwise.

“Oh, no,” Sunkyu says dismissively. “I had a weird dream.”

Taeyeon frowns. “A nightmare?”

“No, I had a dream that I was late for a performance, so I astral projected myself to you guys, and for some reason my uncle was there and he needed to talk to me about something important, but there was no time and I needed to go back for my body but I didn’t really know how…”

Taeyeon stares at her. “Wow,” she says after a moment. “That’s…a very interesting dream.”

“I know, right?” Sunkyu says airily. “Anyway, I woke up just as I had an epiphany about what to do, which was a real shame.”

“Yes,” Taeyeon agrees solemnly. “That does sound like a shame.”

Sunkyu smiles, her eyes flickering to Taeyeon’s cup. “Having a nightcap?” she asks lightly.

“Sure, if milk counts.”

“I didn’t know you still had trouble sleeping.”

“I sleep fine,” she says honestly. “It’s just tonight. I had a nap earlier, that’s probably why I can’t sleep now.”

“Go to bed, Taengoo,” Sunkyu says softly.

“I will after I finish this,” Taeyeon says, raising her cup to her lips. “You should go back to bed. Maybe you’ll continue your dream and make it to the performance.”

The corners of Sunkyu’s mouth curve up, but she doesn’t look particularly amused or happy. “Taeyeon, you know that – we’re here for you, you know. All of us.”

Her eyebrows draw together. “Yes, I know that.”

Sunkyu looks very serious and not the slightest bit sleepy now. “What were you thinking about just now? What do you think about when you shut yourself away like that?”

“I wasn’t shutting myself away—”

Sunkyu clicks her tongue, making a noise of impatience. “Taeyeon, come on. This is me.”

Taeyeon draws in a silent breath, and then lets it go. “I was thinking about…being alone.”

“Being alone?”

“Yeah.”

Sunkyu is looking at her with an inscrutable expression. “You know,” she says conversationally, “I really wish I understood you better sometimes.”

Taeyeon drops her eyes. “That makes two of us.”

“Taengoo.” She feels something gently knock against her shoulder, probably Sunkyu’s. “How are things between you and Jessica?”

She looks up, slightly disconcerted at the sudden change in topic. “Fine,” she says automatically, one of her default replies to how are you. But Sunkyu didn’t ask how are you, she asked how are you and Jessica, and… Taeyeon finds her mouth lifting, her voice softening. “Good. She’s—we’re—it’s been good.”

Sunkyu blinks, looking bemused by all the pronouns Taeyeon went through. Then she smiles. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Taeyeon says. “She…” Once again, she stops at that word.

“She makes you happy, doesn’t she?”

“I think…we make each other happy.”

Sunkyu’s smile widens. “So, it wasn’t that complicated after all, was it?”

“It wasn’t exactly easy.”

“Well, I’ve never known you to look for the easy way out.”

“No,” Taeyeon says quietly. “Even if there were a million complications, even if—” She breaks off, looking down at her cup, noticing that a film has formed over the remnants of the milk. She doesn’t feel like finishing it, but she does feel like returning to her bed. She has a feeling that she’ll sleep well now. “Anyway, she’s worth it.”

Sunkyu doesn’t ask what ‘it’ is, but Taeyeon thinks that she has a good idea anyway.

“Taengoo, do you want to go for barbecue tonight?” Sooyoung asks distractedly, flipping through channels on the TV so fast her thumb is practically a blur. There’s no way she can actually be watching it.

“Go out? Is it a special occasion?”

Yoona grins from beside Sooyoung. “Doesn’t celebrating your relationship with Sica unnie count as a special occasion?”

Taeyeon narrows her eyes. “You two just want me to buy you meat, don’t you?”

“Not just,” Sooyoung says. “I also want patbingsu.”

Taeyeon only half-stifles her laugh. Yoona brightens. “I wasn’t thinking of patbingsu, but now that you mentioned it, I want some too!”

“It’s winter,” Taeyeon points out.

“So?” Yoona and Sooyoung say at the same time.

“Patbingsu isn’t restricted by season, unnie,” Yoona says.

“Don’t mind her, Yoona,” Sooyoung says sagely. “She’s an ahjumma; she doesn’t understand.”

Taeyeon rolls her eyes. “This ahjumma doesn’t feel like going out tonight.”

Sooyoung pouts. “But I want barbecue.”

“And patbingsu,” Yoona chimes in.

“I was thinking,” Taeyeon says slowly, “that I would make japchae.”

“You know how to make japchae?” Sooyoung asks. “I thought kimchi fried rice was the extent of your cooking abilities.”

“I make excellent kimchi fried rice,” Taeyeon says in an affronted tone.

“You do, unnie,” Yoona agrees. “You just don’t—make a lot of other things.”

That’s true. She can hold her own with a spatula, but she’s not the best cook out there.

“My mom makes really good japchae,” she explains, “and I thought that I would give it a try tonight. Unless you guys really don’t want to eat in…”

Yoona and Sooyoung exchange a look.

“I don’t have any problems with it,” Yoona says with a smile. “I’ll support your decision.”

Sooyoung nods. “If that’s what you want, go for it.”

Taeyeon has a feeling that they’re not talking about dinner choices anymore. She sweeps her tongue over her lips, but they’re still rather dry. She’s not nervous – it’s Sooyoung and Yoona, after all – she’s just not exactly eager. She’s never been good at knowing what to say, and this time isn’t an exception.

“So,” she starts off. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you guys about this.”

“About japchae?” Sooyoung asks lightly.

Taeyeon’s laugh sounds weak to her own ears. “The first letter is the same.”

“We’re all ears, unnie,” Yoona says gently. “Say what you want to say.”

“Well, like I told you, Jessica and I are…you know.” Taeyeon feels incredibly awkward, and she has to take a moment to formulate her next words. Yoona and Sooyoung don’t press her, just look at her with warm, encouraging eyes. “I know I kind of shoved the news in your faces, and I just wanted to make sure you were okay with it. Really okay, and not just saying it to make me feel better.”

“Why wouldn’t we be okay with it?” Yoona asks. “Do you think we’re that close-minded?”

“No, it’s just – I mean, I was kind of surprised when you told me about your boyfriends, and Jessica is…”

“We were surprised,” Sooyoung says, “but we weren’t—of course we’re okay with it, Taengoo. We’re more than okay with it. With you two. We’re happy for you.”

“I just want to make sure—” Taeyeon trails off, not knowing how to finish that sentence.

“I know I made some jokes about it,” Sooyoung says, looking a little worried. “I thought… I was just joking, you know. I wasn’t making fun of you two. Well, not making fun in a bad way – I was just playing around.”

“I know that,” Taeyeon says. Of course she does. Sooyoung may be a big jokester, but she’s also one of the kindest, most caring people Taeyeon knows. She knows that Sooyoung would never be purposefully cruel. “I thought what you said was funny.”

“Don’t inflate her head anymore,” Yoona says. “She already thinks she’s the most hilarious person in the world.”

“That’s because I am,” Sooyoung says with great dignity.

“Sure you are,” Yoona says indulgently. She turns to Taeyeon. “Unnie, do you remember what you told us right before our debut stage?”

Taeyeon wonders why they keep using her words against her. Okay, not against her, but—repeating them at her, like they’re full of great wisdom or something.

“That was six years ago.”

“I still remember,” Sooyoung says quietly.

“You said,” Yoona says, slowly but clearly, “that we’re all in this together. And we are. You’re right, it’s been six years, and if anything’s changed, it’s just that we’re even closer. You don’t have to – to worry about our reactions like we’re going to turn against you. We’re with you, unnie, with you and Jessica unnie, not against you.”

Taeyeon nods, her tongue heavy, her throat thick. She wants to tell Yoona that she appreciates it, she appreciates them, but she finds herself incapable of speech.

“We’re not your coworkers, Taengoo,” Sooyoung says. “We’re a family. Aren’t we?”

She still hasn’t recovered her voice yet, so she just inclines her head: a single, solemn nod. She knows they don’t need her to answer – they know what her answer is – but she gives it to them anyway. Not an answer, the answer. Because there is only one answer to that question. Is she lucky to have them? Is she grateful for them? Is she so full of love for them she fears she will burst? There is only one answer to all those questions.

“I’m looking forward to your japchae,” Yoona says brightly.

“I am too,” Sooyoung says, patting her stomach. “Make sure you give me extra servings.”

Taeyeon laughs and this one doesn’t sound weak at all. It’s not a weakness to need people, she thinks, and it’s especially not a weakness to need them. They’ve always made her stronger.

She’s looking through the kitchen, checking if they have all the ingredients for japchae, when Yuri walks in, looking fresh from dance practice.

“Hey, Taengoo,” Yuri says cheerfully.

“Hey, Yul.”

“You look kind of tired. Didn’t sleep well?”

“I couldn’t fall asleep for a while, but I’m fine now.” Taeyeon really is. Something about that talk with Sooyoung and Yoona has energized her, better than coffee, better than tea. Of course, stimulants could never compare to her girls.

“Hmm, ‘fine’. Your favourite word.”

Taeyeon smiles. “I’m better than fine, actually. I’m good.”

“Yeah?” Yuri scrutinizes her, seeming satisfied as she turns to the fridge. “You look good.”

“Thanks. The kitchen lighting does wonders for my complexion.”

Yuri laughs, taking out a water bottle from the fridge. “You know what I mean. You really do look good.”

“Thanks,” Taeyeon repeats, with a different inflection. “You look—sweaty.”

Yuri tosses her hair out of her eyes. “Yeah, I’ve been practicing a lot with Fany. She’s really struggling with some parts of the choreography, so we’ve been going over them for hours.”

Taeyeon has seen them practice Ma Boy before, and she thought that Tiffany looked fine. She didn’t seem to be ‘really struggling’ at all. Taeyeon takes a closer look at Yuri, trying to look for traces of—she isn’t sure—sadness, hurt, false cheer, whatnot.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Yuri asks, sounding amused.

Taeyeon clears her throat. “How are you?”

“I’m kind of tired, but otherwise I’m fine.” Yuri uncaps her water bottle and gulps down half its contents in one go. “I didn’t get a chance to tell you earlier. I’m really happy for you and Jessica. She’s liked you for a long time, you know.”

Taeyeon swallows. “I know.”

Yuri presses the water bottle against her forehead like a cold compress. “Have you seen her solo? I told her I’d help her with the dance, but she won’t let me see it.”

“She won’t let me either.”

“She’s so weird.” Yuri takes another long drink. “Then again, you are too, so you’re perfect for each other.”

“Your logic makes so much sense.”

Yuri grins. “I know, right?”

“What about you?” Taeyeon asks casually. “Anyone weird enough to catch your eye?”

Yuri shrugs with a smile. “I’m not really looking for anyone right now.”

Not looking for, or not looking at, Taeyeon wonders. Yuri seems to have her eyes set on one person. She probably doesn’t even see other people.

“If you are, you’ll let me know, right?”

“Yes, leader unnie,” Yuri says with a quirk of her lips.

“I’m not asking as your leader. I’m asking as your friend.”

Yuri gives a small but genuine smile. “I’ll tell you if I find someone.” She wags her finger at Taeyeon. “Although you didn’t tell me about you and Jessica.”

“I told you pretty much right away.”

“You and I must have different definitions of right away.”

“I wasn’t sure,” Taeyeon says quietly, which is true enough. “Jessica and I – it took us a lot to get here, you know? I wanted to be sure.”

Yuri’s eyes soften. “And are you sure now?”

Taeyeon thinks of gauze and crayons, nicknames and pillows, heartbeats.

“I am.”

“What are you making?” Jessica asks, approaching the kitchen counter.

“Japchae,” Taeyeon replies, shifting the chopped green onion from the cutting board to a plate. She moves onto the carrots, which she always find hard to finely slice. Jessica keeps saying they should get some fancy peeler thing – Taeyeon never remembers what it’s called, just that it starts with j – but given Jessica’s ineptitude in the kitchen, nobody really pays her cooking advice any attention.

Jessica brightens. “I like japchae.”

“Everyone does, so—” Taeyeon’s bangs keeps falling into her eyes and her hands are busy, so she’s resorting to head tosses, which aren’t working very well. Jessica reaches up and brushes her bangs away from her forehead. Taeyeon gives her a grateful smile.

“Do you need any help?” Jessica asks.

“Yeah, why don’t you peel and slice those cucumbers over there?” Taeyeon almost bursts out laughing at the look on Jessica’s face. “I’m just kidding. Nobody puts cucumbers in japchae.”

Jessica’s expression is somewhere between a frown and a pout. “You’re not funny.”

“What are you talking about, I’m hilarious.”

“Is that what you tell yourself?”

Taeyeon decides to take a break from carrots and moves onto some onions. Those are much easier to chop. “Don’t worry,” she tells Jessica. “Even if the recipe specifically called for cucumbers, I wouldn’t put any in.” She doesn’t look up but she can tell, somehow, that Jessica’s smiling.

“I wish,” Jessica starts haltingly. “I wish we could have a duet.”

Taeyeon raises her head. “Like Tiffany and Yuri?”

“Like—like before.” Jessica’s eyes look heavy with memories. “Way before, right after we debuted.”

“Like Want and Resent?” It’s always been one of her favourite covers; she loved the song and originally she wanted to sing it as a solo, but afterwards she realized that singing it with Jessica added something else to the song, something she couldn’t have achieved by herself.

“Hmm. That’s one of my favourites.”

“Me too.”

“Not because I sang it with you,” Jessica says quickly. “It’s just—a great song.”

“Okay,” Taeyeon says, amused. “I wasn’t thinking that, but okay.”

Jessica looks embarrassed, which is an endearing look on her, but she meets Taeyeon’s eyes evenly. “I like singing with you.”

Taeyeon clears her throat. “Me too,” she repeats, returning to slicing onions. Her hand feels slick on the handle of the knife and she has to wipe it on her pants. She wouldn’t want to slip and cut herself.

“Jooyoung oppa told me that they considered having you perform Ma Boy with Yul.”

“Did they?” Taeyeon asks absently.

“They knew that the Sistar fans would go crazy comparing you and Hyorin though, so they dropped the idea.”

“I think Fany will do a great job.”

“I think so too.” There’s a pause. She waits for Jessica to speak and has a feeling that she isn’t going to like what she says next. “Would you rather have it be the two of you?”

Taeyeon frowns. “Me and Yuri?”

“You and Tiffany.”

“That makes no sense,” Taeyeon says lightly. “Sistar19 is supposed to be a vocal and a rapper. Tiffany and I are both vocals.”

“She can do the rap. She has the voice for it. Besides, Yuri isn’t really a rapper anyway. We don’t even have raps in our songs.”

Taeyeon has to repress a sigh. She wonders when Jessica is going to get over this, when she’s going to believe that Taeyeon wants her and only her.

“I already had a duet with Fany in our last album.”

Jessica’s expression doesn’t change. “That was a nice song.”

“It is,” Taeyeon agrees. “Next time, they should give us a song. We are the main vocals, after all.”

“That’s right,” Jessica says after a beat. “The main vocals.”

Taeyeon sighs, running a hand blearily over her face, pushing her hair away from her eyes. She feels them stinging abruptly and mentally curses herself for being so stupid.

“Taeyeon?” Jessica sounds worried. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I—” Taeyeon’s eyes are tearing relentlessly now, and she turns on the tap to splash cold water over her face. “I’ll be fine,” she says, mumbled over the rush of water.

Well, she thinks wryly as she emerges from the icy spray, at least she doesn’t have to worry about her hair getting in the way anymore. It’s so wet that it’s plastered to her face and away from her eyes. Jessica is staring at her with her eyebrows drawn close together, her bottom lip caught between her teeth.

“Onions.” Taeyeon gestures to her eyes. “I was being dumb.”

Jessica releases her lip. “So was I,” she says quietly. “Sorry.”

“Tiffany is my best friend. That’s it.”

“I know.”

“You’d better.” Taeyeon gives a teasing smile. “Don’t make me cry over it again.”

Jessica rolls her eyes, but she returns the smile. “Here.” She slides the cutting board towards Taeyeon’s side of the counter and takes the knife. “I’ll cut the rest.”

“It’s fine, I can do it. A few tears never hurt anybody.”

“I want to help you,” Jessica insists, and Taeyeon relents.

“I’ll go prepare the noodles then.”

“Okay.”

Taeyeon tiptoes to take out a large bowl from the cabinet. “Thanks, Sica.”

Jessica smiles. “We’re a team, right?”

Taeyeon touches her arm. “I like singing with you too,” she says softly. “I want a duet with you, not just because we’re the main vocals, but because…” She trails off with an exhale. “I like singing with you too,” she repeats.

Jessica’s smile turns softer at the corners, smaller, really, although it’s bright enough to light up the kitchen. “Taeyeon,” she says, tender, fond, and Taeyeon thinks that she understands what Jessica meant earlier, about saying her name in a different way. Certainly nobody else says her name the way Jessica does, nobody else puts so much into it.

“Jessica.” Taeyeon’s tongue curls around Jessica’s name, reluctant to relinquish it. “Come on, let’s work on the japchae.”

“Okay.”

“Are you going to be okay with the onions?”

“A few tears won’t hurt anybody.”

“I don’t want to see you cry,” Taeyeon says impulsively. “Not even a few tears.”

Jessica looks at her, just looks, and her mouth doesn’t move, but Taeyeon can tell she’s smiling. “Don’t worry, I cry easily but not when it comes to onions.”

“How about when it comes to cucumbers?”

Jessica sticks out her tongue. “Go work on your noodles.”

Taeyeon laughs and reaches for a pair of chopsticks, and she and Jessica continue cooking, laughing, talking together, side by side.

Chapter Text

“This is really good, unnie,” Yoona says through a mouthful of japchae, her speech somehow still clear and comprehensible. It’s one of those things that Taeyeon simply files away under It’s Yoona. She has something like a library of such notions for all her girls.

“Don’t talk with your mouth full,” Jessica chides.

Yoona chews and swallows, sticking out her tongue. “Yes, Mom.”

“It’s great, Taengoo,” Hyoyeon says, and the other girls nod in agreement.

Taeyeon smiles as she takes a sip of water. “Jessica helped me make this.”

Sooyoung gasps. “And it’s still edible?”

Jessica scowls. “Next time I’ll put a special ingredient into yours.”

Taeyeon has to suppress a laugh. “Sica, we can’t poison our members.”

“I wasn’t going to poison her.” Jessica looks entirely too innocent to be convincing. She gestures to her face, pointing to the corner of her mouth. “You have a bit of noodle there.”

Taeyeon tries to wipe it away, but her fingers don’t come away with anything. “Where?”

“More to the right,” Jessica says, but she still can’t get it. Jessica leans over the table and sweeps her thumb over Taeyeon’s bottom lip, her touch lingering for a moment. When she sits back down, she does it heavily enough for her chair to scrape over the floor.

Taeyeon swallows. Jessica’s eyes are still on her mouth. “Thanks,” she says, her voice coming out rather hoarse.

Sunkyu clears her throat. “We should really go grocery shopping soon. The fridge is looking pretty empty.”

“I need juice,” Sooyoung declares. “Juice is my life.”

“Can you not drink your life right out of the carton?” Hyoyeon asks.

Jessica wrinkles her nose. “I thought you stopped doing that.”

Sooyoung doesn’t look the slightest bit abashed. “Oh come on, you do it too.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Yes, you do.”

“No, I—”

“How old are you two?” Yuri groans. “How many rounds of that are you going to do?”

“Come on, Taengoo,” Sooyoung says. “Restrain your woman.”

The tips of Jessica’s ears turn pink. Taeyeon clears her throat. What is she supposed to say? ‘Jessica’s not my woman’? But that’s not true – Jessica is, Jessica’s hers. Is that too possessive of a thought? She doesn’t feel possessive about it, she just feels . . . natural. Jessica is hers, and she is Jessica’s. Isn’t that how a relationship is supposed to work?

“I can cook just fine,” Jessica says sullenly. “You liked my fried rice last time.”

“You mean, Yuri’s fried rice?” Sooyoung says wryly. “She told me all you did was put the ingredients into the pan.”

Jessica gives Yuri a betrayed look, and Yuri smiles nervously back. “You did a really good job putting the ingredients into the pan,” she offers like some grand compliment.

Jessica crosses her arms over her chest and slouches in her chair, clearly sulking. Taeyeon can’t help smiling at the sight – she’s just too cute.

“I think your cooking has come a long way, Jessi,” Tiffany says soothingly. “I liked the grilled cheese you made me last week.”

She turns her pout on Tiffany. “You didn’t finish it.”

“I was, uh, pretty full.” Tiffany is clearly grasping at straws now. “I’ll definitely finish it next time.”

“Who said there’ll be a next time?”

Tiffany looks at Taeyeon rather helplessly, like she doesn’t know what to do with an agitated Jessica, which is ridiculous really, because she’s never had any problems before. In fact, she’s always been much better at comforting the other girls (or people in general) than Taeyeon. But then again, things are different now. Jessica is Taeyeon’s girlfriend now.

The word is a little—strange to think about, to apply to her personal life. She’s never had a girlfriend, really, only casual flings with no expectations, no commitments, no strings attached. She doesn’t do relationships. Or, correction, she didn’t do relationships. Until now. Until Jessica.

“You’ve never made me grilled cheese,” Taeyeon says.

Jessica looks surprised. “You don’t like Western food.”

“I like hamburgers.” Taeyeon can see Juhyun’s disapproving expression out of the corner of her eye, and she has to stifle a smile. “Especially cheeseburgers.”

“You never make me food either.” Jessica’s pout makes a comeback.

Taeyeon can make a decent amount of dishes, but she’s not nearly as good at cooking as Hyoyeon and Yuri. She’s about to point that out, but she sees a glint of something else in Jessica’s eyes. Her voice softens involuntarily. “I didn’t know you wanted me to.”

“I want you to,” Jessica says quietly.

“Okay. I’ll cook for you more from now on.” Taeyeon flexes her hand, her fingers feeling strangely restless. Jessica reaches across the table and puts her hand on top of Taeyeon’s, not squeezing or lacing their fingers together, just resting, just touching. Their gazes lock together; Taeyeon feels like Jessica’s looking for something in her eyes, but she has no idea what it is. Maybe Jessica finds it because she smiles and withdraws her hand, having another bite of japchae, her tongue chasing a sesame seed from the edge of her lips. This time, Taeyeon is the one who stares at her mouth.

“I think I’ll skip dessert,” Sooyoung says. “I’m getting diabetes already.”

“Unnie,” Juhyun says, somewhat admonishingly.

“Special ingredient,” Jessica promises, a steely edge in her voice. Sooyoung looks just the slightest bit daunted.

Taeyeon shakes her head, smiling, and returns to her japchae. She’s always mentally thought about it as ‘Mom’s Japchae’. Now she thinks that maybe she’ll remember it as a recipe for smiles.

She says goodbye to her mom and wishes her an early merry Christmas before she hangs up, holding onto her phone for close to a minute before she returns it to her bedside table. There was a part of her that considered telling her mom about Jessica, but another part of her – careful, discrete, borne out of years of being an idol surrounded by mistrust and deceit – squashed the idea before it was even fully formed.

Her parents have asked about her relationships, or rather lack thereof, and she always told them that as an idol, it just wasn’t easy or practical to date. That reason – excuse – worked for the earlier years, but now that they’re secure in their fame, secure at the top, she’s sure that her parents are wondering why she’s still never dated.

There’s a part of her that imagines, before she can stop herself, bringing Jessica home, introducing her to her parents as her girlfriend, walking around Jeonju with her, adding an edge of novelty to the familiar sights. They could eat the best bibimbap in the country, visit the temples together, explore the Hanok Village, enjoy the festivals . . .

She almost laughs at herself. Like they could do that anytime soon. Even if they could clear time from their schedules, they would never be able to evade the fans. It wouldn’t be headline news if she was seen alone with Jessica in her hometown, but it wouldn’t be easy to explain either. She and Jessica aren’t exactly known to be close.

Her parents adore all the girls and they’ve told her that it’s like having eight extra daughters. She had asked them, only half-jokingly, how they could manage ten daughters when they already complain about her and Hayeon being too much to handle. She still remembers what they told her:

“Love isn’t a burden, Taeyeon. It isn’t a load that gets heavier as you feel more of it. Love makes you lighter, not heavier.”

Does it make you lighter, she wonders, as she lies down on her bed. Hasn’t it made her heavier plenty of times, she wonders, as she turns to the left, and then the right. Not all weights are burdens, she reasons, as she closes her eyes and thinks about them and how much she loves them.

The door of Tiffany’s room is ajar, a crack of light spilling from the doorway, especially bright against the long, dark stretch of the hallway. Taeyeon hesitates at the threshold, scuffing her slipper across the floor. It’s late, and she should be sleeping, but . . .

She pushes the door open. Tiffany is sitting on her bed in her pink pyjamas, occupied with her phone. She looks up and smiles when she sees Taeyeon.

“Your door wasn’t closed,” Taeyeon says by way of greeting.

Tiffany pats the spot on the bed next to her. “I know. I didn’t close it.”

“You should be sleeping.”

Tiffany raises her eyebrows. “So should you.”

Taeyeon cracks a smile. “Touché.” She takes a seat on Tiffany’s bed and tries to collect her thoughts.

“Is something wrong, TaeTae?” Tiffany asks, breaking the silence between them. There’s concern in her voice, and when Taeyeon turns to look at her, she sees it in her face too.

“Yes,” she says frankly.

Tiffany’s forehead furrows. “What is it? Did something happen with Jessi?”

“It’s not about me and Jessica. It’s about—” Taeyeon’s voice catches in her throat for a moment. “Yuri told me you were having problems with the choreography.”

Tiffany’s expression is unreadable. She’s stopped frowning, so her face isn’t lined anymore, but she doesn’t look any more relaxed. “I’m not the best dancer in the group,” she says offhandedly. “We all know that.”

Taeyeon is an expert at deflection, but she doesn’t have any patience with it right now. “I thought you talked to her.”

Tiffany’s eyes return to her phone. “Talked to her about what?”

Taeyeon puts her hand on Tiffany’s phone, covering the screen. Tiffany looks at her.

“Tiffany,” she sighs. “Don’t play dumb with me.”

Tiffany’s eyes are inscrutable. “Yuri is—she means a lot to me.”

“All the more reason to tell her, then.”

“I think you have the wrong idea about us.”

“Then what is the right idea?”

Tiffany’s lips flatten. “I don’t know why you seem to think I have all the answers, Taeyeon. I don’t know everything, especially not about this.”

Taeyeon swallows the beginning of a sigh. “I want you to be happy.”

Tiffany’s mouth curves up just a little at the corners. “You know, whenever I told you that, you always seemed so tired by it.”

“It can be tiring trying to be happy.”

“But you’re not trying now. You just are. Happy.”

“Yeah, and I—”

“You want that for me too,” Tiffany finishes. “You want me to be happy, like you are with Jessi.”

“Yes,” Taeyeon says softly. “I do.”

“But I’m not you, TaeTae, and Yuri isn’t Jessica.” Tiffany looks tired. Weighed down. Sad. “It doesn’t work like that.”

“If you don’t feel anything for her, then just tell her. It’s not fair to her, you know, leading her on like this.”

Tiffany’s expression is pained. “I’m not leading her on.”

“You’re not trying to lead her on.”

“Did you think that I led you on?”

Taeyeon sucks in a breath. She may not have feelings for Tiffany anymore, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to talk about this with her. “I never thought that you had feelings for me.” She blinks; her lashes feel heavy, tugging her eyelids down. “I never really thought that we could be together. I mean, I imagined it, but . . . I don’t know.”

“Did you ever think about why you had feelings for me?” Tiffany asks quietly.

“Why?” Taeyeon repeats.

“Yes. Why?”

“Do you want me to tell you a list of your virtues or something? Because I could, but—” She breaks off at the look on Tiffany’s face. There’s conflict written all over her features, like she’s fighting some internal battle.

“I don’t know what to do,” Tiffany finally says. “Oppa is really good to me. I knew he liked me for a long time. Everyone kept telling me that we would make a great couple and I thought we would too.”

“But you don’t?”

“We have fun together. I like being with him and spending time with him. It’s just not . . . what I expected.”

“That doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing,” Taeyeon says, frowning. “Not everything has to be like your expectations. And if it’s not, that doesn’t mean it’s bad or wrong.”

“I know.” Tiffany exhales. “I’m not sure how to—I’ve thought about this for so long, Taeyeon, you have no idea. You know how you told me to go after what I want? The problem is that I’m not sure what that is.”

“You don’t know what you want?” Tiffany has always seemed to have her life sorted out. She knew what she wanted, and she worked hard to achieve it. Or at least, that’s what Taeyeon always thought. When she was unsure, doubtful, drifting, she could count on Tiffany to ground her. To guide her.

Now she feels like it’s the other way around, but she doesn’t know how to help Tiffany. What a great best friend she is.

Tiffany bows her head, dark hair falling over her face. “I didn’t mean to lead Yuri on,” she says in a small voice. “I didn’t mean to lead anyone on.”

Taeyeon’s stomach clenches. “I know, Fany,” she says softly. “I know you didn’t. I know you wouldn’t.”

“I don’t want to play with her feelings.” Tiffany’s voice is even quieter now, and Taeyeon has to strain to hear her. “I just—I don’t know what to do.”

“You don’t know what you want,” Taeyeon says slowly, “but don’t you know how you feel?”

Tiffany raises her head and meets Taeyeon’s eyes. “I know how I want to feel. Sometimes I think I’m mistaking it with how I actually feel.”

Taeyeon has no idea what to say. “Fany . . . ”

“When I’m practicing Ma Boy alone, I can do the dance just fine. But when I’m with her . . . ” Tiffany shakes her head. “I can’t think about the choreography. I can only think about her.”

Taeyeon thinks about what Sunkyu told her, about making things more complicated than they really are, and what Tiffany said just now. She wonders if Tiffany also does things in reverse – if she tries not to feel what she’s feeling, and if it’s working. If she even knows that she’s doing it.

“It’s getting late,” Tiffany suddenly says. “We should go to sleep.”

“I’m glad you talked to me,” Taeyeon says, rather awkwardly. Tiffany is always the one to tell her this. “You can always talk to me, you know.”

Tiffany smiles. “I know.”

“It’s okay to be confused, Fany.”

Tiffany doesn’t say anything, but there is a sea of words in her eyes, and she looks like she might drown in them.

“I know,” she finally says, but she doesn’t sound like she believes it.

When Taeyeon first walked through the company building, it felt enormous and impossible to navigate to her, like a labyrinth where every turn took her some place she wasn’t ready for. Now she can find her way around with her eyes closed, but her steps still feel heavy as she makes a turn toward the practice rooms.

She runs into a group of female trainees, some of whom look vaguely familiar to her. They bow to her, spines almost parallel to the ground, eyes shining and voices trembling. She smiles at them and says something polite and perfunctory before continuing on her way. She knows that the company is planning to debut a new girl group within the next year, and she wonders if any of the girls she just saw will be a part of it. Maybe she should have given them some advice, told them that they should treasure their time as trainees, because even if all they feel is nervousness and anticipation and insecurity, even if all they can think about is will I make the cut, will I last, will I debut will I debut will I debut—

Even if all that, she’s sure they’ll miss this time once they actually become idols. Once you step onto the stage for the first time, that’s it. There are many things to look forward to, of course, but there are just as many, if not more, things to look back on. Things that won’t be there anymore once you turn your head.

She’s not sure why she’s feeling so nostalgic. Then again, she’s always been someone who dwells a lot on the past; too much, really. You’re supposed to learn from the past, not live in it. Well, she thinks that she’s made some headway when it comes to that, lately. She’s not looking back so much anymore, not when there are better things to look at.

“Taeyeon.” Without realizing it, her feet had carried her to the room that she was looking for. And the person who she was looking for, the person who she wants to see the most, is calling her name.

She looks at Jessica, at her sloppy ponytail and practice clothes and concerned expression, and she thinks that she wants Jessica to hold her. She wants Jessica to kiss her. She wants Jessica.

“Taeyeon,” Jessica says again, opening her arms. Taeyeon practically stumbles into them, and they wrap tightly around her, pulling her right against Jessica. Taeyeon vaguely registers that the door is open and anyone passing by can see them, but she can’t bring herself to care right now. It’s hard to think about the outside world when she’s in the haven of Jessica’s embrace.

“What’s wrong?” Jessica murmurs, brushing her bangs away from her face.

“Nothing,” she says, fairly honestly. “I wanted to see you.” Jessica is very sweaty – she must have been practicing for a while – but it doesn’t make Taeyeon want to move away from her. She’s not sure what would.

Jessica smiles, tilting her head to the side. “Were you trying to spy on me?” Her voice is very light. “Check on my routine?”

“I wanted to see you,” Taeyeon repeats.

Jessica’s face softens. She lifts her hand and reaches toward Taeyeon, who finds herself leaning into the promise of her touch, but there’s a sound behind them and Jessica drops her arm. She frowns, looking past Taeyeon. “Just people passing by,” she says, walking away to close the door before returning to Taeyeon’s side.

“Are you done practicing?” Taeyeon asks, sinking cross-legged onto the ground.

Jessica takes a long gulp from an almost empty bottle of water. “Just about.”

“I didn’t mean to interrupt you.”

“You’re a welcome interruption,” Jessica tells her, mirroring her position, their knees touching.

Taeyeon glances at Jessica’s water bottle, feeling thirsty all of a sudden, and Jessica hands it to her without a word. She drinks, stopping on the verge of draining the bottle. After replacing the cap, she runs her thumb along the rim of it, thinking, deliberating. Jessica’s eyes are on her, but she doesn’t push Taeyeon, clearly waiting for her to take the initiative.

“I wanted to talk to you about something,” Taeyeon says. “Someone.”

“About Tiffany?”

Taeyeon nods. She had thought about approaching Sunkyu about it first, but . . . she wanted to see Jessica. She wants to be with Jessica. They’ve been spending a lot of time together, but it’s still not enough for her.

“I’m worried about her. I had a talk with her last night.”

Jessica’s expression is—careful, like she’s trying not to give anything away. “What did you talk about?”

“Yuri.”

Jessica doesn’t look surprised. “And what did she say?”

“She said—” Taeyeon hesitates. After her, Tiffany is the closest to Sunkyu and Jessica, but that doesn’t mean Tiffany would be okay with her sharing the content of their conversation. After all, she trusts Tiffany to keep what they talk about between them.

“Okay, you don’t have to tell me,” Jessica says, like she understands Taeyeon’s dilemma. “I’ve been trying to talk to Yul about this, but she’s not giving anything away. If I didn’t know better, I would think she doesn’t have any feelings about Fany at all.”

Taeyeon idly shifts the bottle in her hand. “Do you think we’re prying too much?”

Jessica frowns. “I think we’re trying to be good friends, but good intentions – what was that saying again? Something about hell?”

“The road to hell is paved with good intentions,” Taeyeon recites automatically.

Jessica nods gravely. “Yeah, that.”

“Fany told me that,” Taeyeon says, “when we were talking about . . . ”

“Me?” Jessica supplies.

Taeyeon’s bangs are really proving to be a nuisance. She looks through them at Jessica. “She told me not to play with your feelings.”

Jessica nods slowly, too many things in her eyes for Taeyeon to pick out.

“I haven’t,” Taeyeon says. “I’ve never done that. I wouldn’t do that.”

“I know, Taeyeon,” Jessica says gently. “I know.”

Taeyeon looks at her. Her face is sweaty, and her hair is a mess, and her clothes are rumpled, and she looks so, so beautiful. Taeyeon doesn’t want to stop looking at her.

“I look like a mess,” Jessica suddenly says, breaking eye contact with a nervous laugh. “I probably smell gross too.”

“You smell fine.”

You look great, Taeyeon wants to tell her. You don’t need make-up or nice clothes. You just need to be you.

Jessica undoes her ponytail, her hair spilling over her shoulders. She absently combs her fingers through the long strands, her eyes dark and thoughtful. “Do you know what the problem with Fany is?”

“She likes pink too much?” Taeyeon suggests. “She’s too loud?”

Jessica gives a small smile. “She always wants to be strong. She refuses to show weakness in front of anybody, even us.” Her smile dissolves into a frown. “Especially us.”

Taeyeon couldn’t agree more.

“She’s so happy all the time,” Jessica continues. “I don’t think it’s fake, but I can’t tell if it’s real either.”

Taeyeon has always felt like there’s a part of Tiffany Jessica understands that nobody else does. She especially felt this way during their earlier years, when Jessica and Tiffany would talk in English and go out for Western food and had their own little American clique, just the two of them. It’s not just that they were born and raised in California; it’s that Jessica would say something awkward that Tiffany would interpret without even trying, or Tiffany’s smile would falter and Jessica always knew how to cheer her up.

It’s not like Taeyeon’s jealousy was completely unfounded. It’s the way that she dealt with it that was inexcusable.

“I think I overestimate her,” Taeyeon admits. “She always seems to have such a clear head about everything. I’ve always trusted her to know what to do.”

“I think we all do,” Jessica says. “She’s our Manager Hwang, right?” The corners of her eyes tighten. “That’s probably why she won’t let herself be vulnerable around us. Because we forget that she is.”

Taeyeon exhales. “She’s always been there for me. I want to be there for her, but . . . ”

“You don’t know where to go?”

Taeyeon closes her eyes, fighting back another sigh. “Yeah.” She opens her eyes sharply, a thought striking her. “She’s my best friend. You know that—”

“I want to be there for her too,” Jessica says. “I love her too, you know.”

Of course Taeyeon knows how much Jessica cares about Tiffany, how much she cares about all of them. There is a lot more that binds them together than a contract and a label.

“I know.”

“I think,” Jessica starts delicately, “Tiffany needs to figure out what she wants. It’s not something we can figure out for her. We can try to help her, but it’s something she needs to do herself.”

“Yeah.” Taeyeon knows that, but still, she wishes that there’s more she could do.

Jessica looks at her with clear, steady eyes. “You can be vulnerable with us too, you know. You don’t have to bear everything yourself.”

“I’m not,” Taeyeon starts to protest, but something in Jessica’s eyes silences her.

“I know you want to be alone a lot, but you’re not. You have us, and—” Jessica bites her lip, “—you have me.”

Taeyeon feels like someone is squeezing her windpipe; she can’t get a single word out. In lieu of speech, she reaches out her hand, and Jessica takes it, holding it firmly, tightly, in her own.

“You have me,” Jessica repeats.

Taeyeon feels like there’s something warm and vast in her chest, something both heavy and light. She nods and pulls Jessica toward her, burying her face into the crook of Jessica’s neck, feeling Jessica’s arms come around her. She’s surrounded by the scent of Jessica’s shampoo, the curtain of her hair, the circle of her arms, and she thinks about the dangers and safety of vulnerability, about her group, her family, her girls, especially the one holding her, and she feels both complete and undone.

Chapter Text

Before she knows it, Märchen Fantasy is upon them. She’s been—occupied lately, but she’s fully committed to this, to giving the fans a worthy Christmas present. Of course they can’t really make their wishes come true, but they can end the year on a high note, which she thinks they could all use.

Jessica has been helping her extensively with her English, although she still won’t let Taeyeon see her practice. Half the time their English lessons turn into making out, which Taeyeon has no qualms about. They’re taking things slow, and she has a feeling that Jessica’s holding back even though she knows Jessica wants her.

They’re too busy, really, for her to think about it too much. They practice constantly, both their individual and collective performances, and she finds it tiring and relaxing at the same time. They’ve performed certain songs so many times that she thinks she could do it in her sleep – maybe she does, she wouldn’t put it past her sleep behaviour – and there’s something soothing about letting her muscles take over, about doing something so familiar. She’s done this countless times before. She’s good at this, and she doesn’t have to think about it, which isn’t something she can say about other aspects of her life.

Out there on stage, under the lights, she knows who she is and what to do. She knows what people want from her and how to give it to them. Once she steps off the stage and out of her idol skin, things aren’t so simple.

“You look like you’re thinking very hard.”

Taeyeon startles before she calms at the sight of her best friend. “Yeah, I drifted off there for a second.”

“Are you thinking about the concert?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“I feel like time has been passing weirdly,” Tiffany says. “These past couple weeks have been…” She shrugs. “Do you know what I mean?”

Taeyeon isn’t sure what to think about time. She often feels like she doesn’t have enough of it, and these days especially she feels like it’s hard to look past it. She lives each moment of the present in the present. She’s stopped looking at the past, and she’s incapable of seeing far into the future. It isn’t a bad way to live, she thinks. Don’t they tell you to treasure the present? Treat it like a gift, they tell you, that’s why it’s called the present.

When she starts thinking in puns, she knows that she’s gone too deep into her head. She spends a lot of time there, she always has, but not as much lately. There’s Jessica now, and she would rather be with Jessica than wallow in her own thoughts.

“TaeTae?”

Taeyeon snaps back to the here and now. What did Tiffany ask her? Something about time.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Do you only know how to say those words?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

Tiffany shoves her shoulder, and Taeyeon staggers back theatrically. “Hey, the concert’s tomorrow. The fans will kill you if you injure me and I can’t perform.”

Tiffany rolls her eyes. “What are you, made of glass?”

Taeyeon makes a show of rubbing her shoulder and Tiffany sighs. “It’s tomorrow, isn’t it?” she says, almost to herself.

“What, did you forget already?”

“Time has been passing weirdly,” Tiffany says again.

“Hmm. Time is weird.”

Tiffany runs a hand through her hair, plays with the collar of her shirt. “TaeTae.”

“Yeah?”

“Be careful.”

Taeyeon blinks. “About what?”

Tiffany is looking at her with serious, thoughtful eyes. “The fans think that you and Jessi don’t get along. If you’re too close to her, they’ll think that something’s up.”

“Right, I know.”

“Or you could ease them into it, I guess. Make them think it’s fanservice.”

When they first debuted, Taeyeon had done a fair deal of fanservice with Jessica. She hadn’t had any qualms with it, but the thought of it now is… She can’t stand it. What she and Jessica have – that isn’t for the fans. She doesn’t want them to get to see it, to have it, because it belongs to the two of them.

“Are you warning me?” she asks wryly. She’s not angry; she knows that Tiffany means well, that Tiffany wants the same thing as her: the best for the group.

“No, I’m not,” Tiffany says. “I’m reminding you.”

“Okay, I’ll remember, don’t worry.”

“I’m not worried. I know you won’t let us down.”

Strangely, it’s not as burdening as before to hear, to see in Tiffany’s eyes. Maybe she’s absorbed some of their faith. “Fany,” she starts, wanting to tell Tiffany that she’s not alone and she doesn’t have to endure everything herself. Taeyeon often felt that way, even though her girls have made it more than clear that they were there for her, would always be there for her. She supposes that it’s just part of her nature, to want to do everything herself, carry everything herself. That way if she couldn’t do it, if she failed, then she only let herself down.

However, she knows differently now, and she thinks that Tiffany should know differently too. Tiffany has always been there for her, after all. She must know that Taeyeon will always be there for her too. Even if she doesn’t know exactly where ‘there’ is, she would never leave Tiffany alone. They’re best friends.

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking,” Tiffany says. “Oppa and I are going to take a break. We both have things we need to sort out.”

“Things,” Taeyeon repeats. She can imagine what will be the number one ‘thing’ on Tiffany’s list.

Tiffany rubs a hand over her eyes. “He has a lot of things going on in his group. We’re both—it’s hard to date in this industry.”

Taeyeon isn’t about to argue with that.

“But you and Jessi seem to be doing well,” Tiffany says with a smile.

There are a lot of things Taeyeon can say here, but she just ends up returning the smile. She and Jessica are doing well. Really well. She’s heard this stage of a relationship being called the ‘honeymoon phase’. The wording is cheesy enough to make her roll her eyes, but she can’t help thinking that honeymoons don’t last forever.

“It’s great to see you so happy,” Tiffany says. “Both of you.” She makes a face. “That totally sounded like a Best Friend Line from a drama, but – I mean it.”

“I know you do.” Taeyeon gives a teasing grin. “I mean, we could totally fit into the best friends roles in a drama, don’t you think? I liked you, you didn’t like me, then I fell for someone else…”

She wouldn’t think that she could joke about her past feelings for Tiffany, at least not this early, but it was surprisingly easy. That’s how she knows how completely she’s let go of them. If only Jessica knew as well.

Tiffany’s eyes are sparkling. “Is this the part where I get jealous?”

“You’re not the one who’s jealous here,” Taeyeon says without thinking.

Tiffany’s forehead furrows, but she doesn’t look confused, really. More like concerned. She stares at Taeyeon, clearly waiting for her to elaborate.

“Jessica’s jealous of you,” Taeyeon says lamely. “Was? Was jealous of you.”

“Oh.” Tiffany’s frown deepens. “I’m sorry.”

Taeyeon doesn’t know why she’s apologizing. It’s not like she asked for Taeyeon to have feelings for her.

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I know that I had at least a little to do with why you and Jessi started fighting.”

She doesn’t ask how Tiffany knows that. Tiffany’s always been smart.

“You sound like we were fighting over you,” Taeyeon says lightly. “Like winner takes all or something.”

“I’m sorry,” Tiffany repeats.

“Don’t be. That fight was—it was terrible, but I guess in a way it brought us closer.” Their cold war made her realize how much Jessica meant to her, and although she regrets what she said, she doesn’t regret the things their fight made her realize.

“Well.” There’s a smile in Tiffany’s voice. “You’re definitely close now.” The twinkle returns to her eyes. “In a lot of ways.”

“Was that—” Taeyeon’s eyes narrow. “You didn’t just go there, did you?”

Tiffany widens her eyes innocently. “Go where?”

Taeyeon snorts. “I hate to break it to you, but that look stopped working on me a long time ago. Just let it go.”

Tiffany laughs suddenly, and Taeyeon gives her a strange look, questioning her sanity.

“Sorry,” Tiffany says. “It’s just – whenever someone says ‘let it go,’ the song starts playing in my head.”

“I’ve heard it too many times.”

“It’s still great though!” Tiffany says brightly.

“Yeah, all kids think so.”

“Don’t you think so?”

“Of course. It’s a great song.”

“TaeTae,” Tiffany laughs.

“Too bad we can’t sing it for Märchen Fantasy.”

“That would be great,” Tiffany agrees, “and it would go well with the theme.”

“Are you excited?”

“Definitely.”

Her reply doesn’t surprise Taeyeon. Tiffany’s always been excited about performing, about singing and making people happy. Out of the three, Taeyeon only ever really wanted to sing, but she’s learned to do the other two well too, better than she ever thought she could. Looking back, it’s hard to remember why she thought that singing was the most important part of being an idol. She had thought that she was prepared for this, but nobody could really know what it’s like to be an idol until they become one.

“Aren’t you?” Tiffany asks.

“Yes,” Taeyeon says honestly. She wants to sing; she loves to sing. That hasn’t changed over the years, even as many other things have. “It’ll be a nice way to cap off the year.”

“It’s been a long year, hasn’t it?”

Taeyeon isn’t sure how to answer that question. Yes, it has been a long year, but isn’t every year long, isn’t that the life they signed up for, after all.

“It’ll be Christmas soon,” she says absently.

“Yeah.” Tiffany’s eyes brighten. “I can’t wait to eat a Western Christmas dinner.”

“Who said we’re having that?”

“It’s Christmas,” Tiffany says insistently, like the holiday wouldn’t be complete without turkey and mashed potatoes.

Taeyeon makes a face. Western food, hamburgers aside, has never settled well with her stomach. “Do you have any plans?”

“Christmas is a time for family.”

“Are you going back to California?”

Tiffany’s eyes are soft. “I’m staying here. This is home.”

Taeyeon knows what she’s saying, that she’s staying here with them, that they’re her family. Jeonju is still home for Taeyeon, but this, where they are, is home to her too. The eight of them have been her family for years now, not tied together with blood or even choice, really. They didn’t choose to end up together, and she’s not sure if they chose to love each other, but what matters is that they did and they do. She didn’t ask for this, for them, but she loves them.

She has tried to describe her feelings toward them, her affection, her devotion, but she can never get very far beyond how she loves them. It used to frustrate her – she sings about love all the time, she writes about it, and yet she can’t even describe it – but she’s come to realize that it’s okay. Not everything has to be put into words. Not everything can be put into words. Some things can’t be seen, can’t be heard, can’t be spoken; they have to be felt.

“TaeTae?”

Taeyeon smiles. “Home,” she agrees.

The stage at Märchen Fantasy is grand, beautiful, befitting of its name. She soaks it all in: the pink light sticks in the crowd, the exuberance of the fans, the love that is almost tangible all around them. She doesn’t consider herself an egotistical person, but it’s hard not to feel—transcendent like this.

She looks at her girls and thinks that there’s nobody else in the world she would rather share a stage with. They don’t hold hands or join arms, but they’re linked together anyway, their hearts beating the same rhythm, their faces radiating the same happiness. She holds Jessica’s eyes for just a moment longer, and they share a private smile.

Taeyeon breathes and sings and loves.

It’s beyond ridiculous to be jealous of a microphone stand, but that’s how Taeyeon feels. She watches the way Jessica moves her body onstage, and she starts imagining how Jessica would move her body in another setting.

It occurs to her that she’s probably far from the only person having such thoughts as they watch Jessica, and it sends a hot, fierce surge of anger through her. Possessive anger. Jessica is hers. Nobody else should be having such thoughts about Jessica because she belongs to Taeyeon.

“It’s a good thing there’s only us here,” Yuri says. “If the fans saw the way you’re looking at her…”

Taeyeon doesn’t take her eyes off Jessica. “Don’t worry, I won’t let them see anything once we’re onstage.”

“You can always brush it off as fanservice,” Hyoyeon suggests.

“Taeyeon and Jessica don’t do fanservice,” Sooyoung points out. “The fans would probably like it if they did though.”

The lights flicker off for a few seconds, and when they return, Jessica raises her arms above her head, her movements graceful and sensual. A spotlight shines down on her and she…

Taeyeon has to rub her eyes to make sure that she’s seeing right. Yep, Jessica’s in a swimsuit. The ‘dress’ was a swimsuit all along, and the skirt had been flung away by Jessica, who’s now sashaying down the stage, all tiara-adorn hair and shimmering one-piece and legs that seem to go on for miles.

Taeyeon can’t keep her eyes off those legs, how long and shapely and smooth are. She hasn’t blinked in so long her eyes are stinging, but she can’t stop staring at those legs. Well, until Jessica turns around and Taeyeon’s eyes drift to another area.

“Wow,” Yoona says. “Sica unnie is so sexy.”

“Careful, Yoong,” Sooyoung says. “I don’t think Taengoo likes you talking about her woman like that.”

It’s going to be a long night.

The lights turn off and the stage is swallowed in darkness, but Taeyeon thinks that she can see Jessica anyway. Or maybe it’s just that the image of her is engraved in the back of Taeyeon’s eyelids. Kissing You is coming up and she should be getting ready for it, but she heads to the bathroom instead.

She has to splash cold water on her face to recover some semblance of composure. She stares into the mirror and tells her wide-eyed reflection to remember to be Taeyeon, leader of Girls’ Generation, who has the rest of a concert to get through, instead of Kim Taeyeon, who wants nothing more than to take Jessica’s hand and pull her—

She leans her forehead against the cool glass and forces herself to take steady, even breaths.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

“Get a hold of yourself,” she mutters out loud. There have been times over the years when she literally felt like she couldn’t hold herself up anymore, sometimes onstage, other times in the middle of a variety show or radio appearance. Times when she was exhausted, overwhelmed, staying upright through sheer willpower.

This feels similar to and yet completely different from those times. She’s an idol, and she’s had over six years to perfect her self-control, but it only takes the sight of Jessica in a swimsuit to completely unravel it.

She wonders if she’s just that much of a pervert, if ByunTaeyeon, as Jessica put it, just took over. Somehow she doubts it.

There were many backup dancers on the stage along with Jessica, women wearing just as little as her with more toned, arguably more attractive bodies. Taeyeon hadn’t spared any of them a second glance.

There’s only one person worth looking at to her.

She feels better by the time she reaches a room backstage to prepare for their next performance. Sooyoung is combing her hair, working out the tangles with mechanical efficiency, but she smiles when she sees Taeyeon.

Taeyeon smiles back. “You did a really good job.”

“You remember how I did?” Sooyoung asks teasingly. “I thought that everything was wiped from your memory when you saw our Miss Korea.”

Taeyeon can’t deny that Jessica’s performance took over her mind and crowded out her other thoughts, but that doesn’t mean she’s forgotten all about the girls. What kind of leader, member, friend would she be?

“If you ever enter a pageant, don’t bet on winning Miss Congeniality,” she says dryly.

Sooyoung laughs. “I’m hurt, Taengoo.”

“You were great,” Taeyeon says offhandedly but sincerely. “I mean it.”

“I know,” Sooyoung says. “I’m incredibly great.”

“And modest.”

“Not as great as Jessica to you though, I bet.” Taeyeon rolls her eyes, and Sooyoung’s smile widens. “You probably want her to give you a private encore, huh?”

Taeyeon thinks about denying it, but she realizes that she’d be flat out lying. She wouldn’t complain about a private encore from Jessica. Not at all.

“Taengoo?” She jumps about three feet in the air and stares wide-eyed at the source of that voice.

Jessica looks at her curiously, having changed into the clothes for their next song. (Well, of course she changed. She isn’t going to walk around in a swimsuit.)

“Hey, Sica,” Sooyoung says cheerfully. “That was quite the performance. I think you made some fans pass out.”

Jessica’s smile is half-proud, half-shy. She’s so cute that Taeyeon could hug her. (She won’t, of course. She doesn’t know if she can control herself if she touches Jessica.)

“I can’t compare to Lee Hyori sunbaenim.”

“I think you were great,” Taeyeon says.

Jessica beams. “Really?”

Taeyeon nods. “I wish I could watch you again.”

Jessica’s eyes are shining. “If you want—”

Sooyoung makes a gagging sound. “If you two are going to be like that, can you take it somewhere else?”

“Why don’t you take yourself somewhere else?” Jessica asks, not taking her eyes off Taeyeon.

“You know what, I will,” Sooyoung declares. “I don’t think I can watch any more of this.”

“Taengoo.” Taeyeon doesn’t understand how someone can be so sexy one second and then utterly adorable the next. “Did you really think I was good? I’m – I practiced so much, but it’s such a sexy concept and not the kind of sexy we usually do.”

“I thought you were amazing,” Taeyeon says honestly. “You brought your own feel to the song. Of course people are going to compare you with Lee Hyori sunbaenim, but I don’t think you two should be compared.”

“Why not?”

Taeyeon doesn’t really know how to explain it. She struggles with what to say, and somehow “You’re beyond comparison,” comes out.

The lighting doesn’t change, but it looks like a spotlight shines over Jessica’s face – she practically glows. “Taeyeon,” she says softly, reaching out her hand. Taeyeon takes it and pulls Jessica toward her, leaning in—

“Taeyeon! Jessica!”

They snap apart and stare at Jooyoung with identical wide eyes.

“There you two are,” Jooyoung says exasperatedly. “I’ve been looking all over for you. All the girls gave me a different location. Hurry up or you’ll miss the next song.”

“Okay,” Jessica says. Taeyeon just manages a nod.

After Jooyoung leaves, Jessica squeezes Taeyeon’s hand. “Later,” she whispers.

Taeyeon doesn’t know if she means the kiss or the encore, but she can’t wait.

The last thing that she wants to do, really, is talk about Jessica’s performance (really, she wants to talk about it too much, and that’s the problem), but of course that’s what they’re doing right now.

“Our Miss Korea has returned to Girls’ Generation,” Tiffany announces to the fans, who lap it up.

Taeyeon makes sure to maintain an excited expression that doesn’t give away too much of her actual excitement. “It was such an explosive act.”

“That’s right,” Juhyun agrees. “I was shocked by it too.”

Taeyeon mimics Jessica’s skirt-ripping moment with a “whoo!” She can hear the fans going crazy. They all know that she doesn’t exactly have the purest mind out there, but she doubts that any of them have the faintest idea what she’s thinking about right now.

She’s not sure if she can wait until later.

“Next,” Jessica says, “we have ‘first…’”

Everyone is looking at her, and Taeyeon has to remind herself not to look along with them. She’s not sure she can take her eyes off Jessica once they land on her.

“First love!” Tiffany declares. “First kiss!”

“First experience!” Taeyeon blurts out, and everyone erupts into laughter. She hears Jessica’s laughter clearest of all: high and clear and sweet.

“ByunTaeyeon!” Jessica calls out teasingly.

Their eyes meet, and although that’s the only contact between them, Taeyeon feels a physical jolt like a current zipping through her: the electrifying effect of Jessica Jung.

Chapter Text

It takes a strenuous amount of effort, but Taeyeon manages to restrain herself for the rest of the night, not even allowing herself a stray glance at Jessica. She can explain a funny imitation; she can’t explain staring at Jessica like she’s undressing her with her eyes. She’s quite proud of how well she does in this respect. Then again, she’s an idol and she’s hardly a stranger to hiding, pretending, acting. Lying.

She knows that this is what she’ll have to do for the rest of—for a very long time. Korea is too conservative of a country and idolhood too unforgiving of an industry for them to even consider revealing their relationship. She would never be able to go public with Jessica, never be able to kiss her in the open, never be able to show the world that she’s hers. She would have to keep what they have behind closed doors, like a dark secret, like something to be ashamed of.

She’s not ashamed. They haven’t done anything to be ashamed of, anything wrong. It should be their business who they kiss and date and l— It should be their business. But the life they signed up for means that almost everything they do is not their own business. They signed away so much on that dotted line, and it’s a bitter pill to swallow, but she should be used to its taste by now. (She isn’t.)

An arm slips around her shoulders and pulls her against a thin body. Taeyeon feels spray-stiff hair against her cheek and breathes in sweat, body spray and Jessica.

“You’re spacing out again,” Jessica murmurs. “What are you thinking so hard about?”

You, Taeyeon could say. It wouldn’t be a lie. But for whatever reason, the word won’t leave her mouth. She curls a lock of Jessica’s hair around her finger and traces her eyes over Jessica’s face. Jessica looks tired but energized, relaxed but anticipatory. Her makeup is coming off, foundation flaking and mascara smudged, but it doesn’t matter. She’s beautiful; she’s Jessica.

“Jessica,” Taeyeon breathes, for lack of something better to say.

Jessica smiles. “Taeyeon,” she returns, taking Taeyeon’s hand and pulling her toward the door. “Come on, let’s go home.”

Taeyeon smiles back. “Home.”

Jessica sits next to her on the van, their knees touching, their fingers occasionally grazing against each other’s. She had scrubbed off the rest of her makeup, and she’s bare-faced and rather wan-looking, but there almost seems to be a glow to her anyway, something natural and internal, like she’s got a light on under her skin.

It’s dark and Jooyoung is focused on driving, so Taeyeon lets herself look all she wants at Jessica, lets her gaze go heavy and intense.

“I didn’t get to tell you earlier,” Jessica says quietly. “You were amazing.”

“I usually am,” Taeyeon agrees.

Jessica laughs, quiet and musical. She looks tired, but her eyes are bright. They usually are when she looks at Taeyeon. That’s the really amazing thing, Taeyeon thinks. “And so very modest,” she teases.

Taeyeon leans in even closer so she can whisper directly into Jessica’s ear. “Why should I be modest when I have such a hot girlfriend?”

Jessica bites her lip, tugging it between her teeth. Taeyeon wants to do the same. “Taeyeon,” she murmurs, her voice dropping, breathy and low. Taeyeon wants to hear her name in that voice many more times.

Sunkyu, from where she’s sitting on the other side of Taeyeon, clears her throat. “You’re right, oppa,” she says in an unnecessarily loud voice. “The fans were even more excited than we thought.”

Taeyeon jerks away from Jessica, slouching and staring out the window. She only realizes now that Jooyoung had been speaking to them. He chuckles, mercifully not seeming to notice that anything is amiss. “I’m sure you gave them a wonderful Christmas present.”

“That’s what we’re here for,” Tiffany says lightly.

“Did you see how happy you and Yul made those audience members?” Sooyoung asks. “I thought they might stop breathing.”

“I think Jessi made enough fans stop breathing.”

“Oh come on,” Jessica says. “You sound like we were trying to send them to the hospital. I don’t think that would be much of a fantasy come true.”

That makes everyone laugh. Afterward they break off into conversations or listen to music or nod off. Taeyeon lets her head flop back against the headrest, thinking about fantasy and reality and how the line between them seems slightly blurred right now.

Jessica’s hand drops to Taeyeon’s knee, and Taeyeon takes it in her own. She doesn’t know why she has a reputation for disliking skinship. She doesn’t just like physical contact, she craves it. There’s something about touching another warm body that grounds her so she won’t drift off too far into her mind, that reminds her she’s not alone in this world. These days, it’s mostly Jessica that she wants to touch.

Jessica rests her head on Taeyeon’s shoulder. “That dress,” she suddenly says, voice so low that Taeyeon can barely make it out. “You looked so… I love red on you.”

“Is that what you meant when you said I was amazing?”

“No, I meant your singing.” Jessica is starting to sound sleepy. That’s not surprising; she doesn’t have a lot of stamina, and she’s usually the most tired after a concert. “But you know already, anyway.”

“That my voice is amazing?”

“That you’re—that you are.” Jessica yawns.

“You can sleep,” Taeyeon says softly, tightening her hold on Jessica’s hand.

“No, I don’t want to.” She sounds like a child trying to stay up to see Santa, fighting a losing battle against her yawns. She’s so cute; Taeyeon feels a warm tendril of affection curl in her stomach. “Not until later.”

The word threatens to turn the warm tendril into a flash of heat, but the flames have cooled down in Taeyeon’s stomach into a slow, molten burn. She wants Jessica, but she feels a lot more than just want for her.

“We’ll still have later,” Taeyeon promises. “Many later’s. We can wait until another one.”

The van passes under a tunnel, and they’re enveloped in pitch blackness. Even so, she can still see Jessica’s smile. She answers it with one of her own, and she trusts Jessica to see it too.

“It’s weird,” Yoona says through a yawn, once they’re back in the dorm, gathered in a circle on the floor. For whatever reason, none of them had chosen the couch. It just feels more natural this way, more right. This is them: a circle of nine.

“What is?” Yuri asks from beside Tiffany. The two of them have been smiley and touchy like usual the whole night. In fact, they’ve been even more so after their performance, as if they’ve reforged their bond on the stage. Taeyeon isn’t sure what to make of it, but both their smiles looked genuine, so she doesn’t think she has too much to be concerned about. For now, at least.

“I’m so tired, but I feel like I want to stay up forever.”

Yuri nods. “I know what you mean.”

Sooyoung nods too. “It’s like post-concert syndrome or something.”

“Mm hmm,” Jessica agrees, her eyelids drooping already. She’s half-draped over Taeyeon, soft and boneless, like she might fall into her lap any second now. Taeyeon wonders if she’s strong enough to carry Jessica to her bedroom. She’s no Yoona, but she thinks she can do it for Jessica.

“It’s almost Christmas,” Tiffany says brightly. “We should start decorating.”

“You have fun decorating,” Hyoyeon says. “We’ll have fun watching.”

Tiffany pouts. “You guys are no fun. Jessi, you’ll help me, right?”

“Hmm.” Jessica sounds like she’s half-asleep. “Maybe if you buy me something nice.”

“Unnie, you sound exhausted,” Juhyun says. “I think you should go to sleep.”

“Bed…so…far away,” Jessica mumbles, her head dropping to nestle in the juncture between Taeyeon’s neck and shoulder, nose bumping against her collarbone.

“You should take her, Taengoo,” Sunkyu suggests.

“Come on, Sica,” Taeyeon says, trying to stand up. “You can do it. I’ve got you.”

“Do you need help?” Tiffany asks.

Taeyeon shakes her head. She can do it, she can support Jessica. As if hearing her unsaid words, Jessica gets up, leaning heavily on Taeyeon, who puts an arm around her waist. They walk like that to Jessica’s room, and Taeyeon barely remembers to close the door before Jessica tugs her to the bed and collapses on it.

“See, it wasn’t that far, right?” Taeyeon says with a smile.

“Taengoo.” Jessica’s voice is half breath. Listening to her name called in that voice makes Taeyeon question if she’s dreaming already.

“Yeah?”

Jessica opens her eyes, hazy with sleepiness, and smiles at her. Taeyeon’s breath catches in her throat. The fans aren’t the only ones whose breath Jessica takes away.

“Don’t go,” Jessica murmurs. “Stay with me.”

For a moment, Taeyeon remembers another bed and the same words coming from Jessica’s mouth, the grip she had on Taeyeon’s wrist. Jessica’s not touching her now, but it doesn’t matter. She has a hold on Taeyeon that’s hard to break.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

Jessica smiles again. “Good,” she says. “You belong here. With me.”

It doesn’t take long for Jessica to fall asleep. The soft, steady sound of her breathing lulls Taeyeon there as well, but she holds on to consciousness a little longer. She gazes at Jessica, feeling like she wants to say something, many things, yet she doesn’t have any words at all. It’s not an unfamiliar feeling, but there’s still something new about it because this is about Jessica, and she’s never felt about someone the way she feels about Jessica.

When Taeyeon drifts off, it’s to the lullaby of Jessica’s breathing and the thought yes, I do.

Taeyeon isn’t sure what wakes her up, but she startles to consciousness in the middle of the night, the room a haze of darkness around her. She rubs a hand across her eyes, feeling like she’s still asleep. She had been dreaming about…she couldn’t remember what anymore, but she has a feeling it wasn’t a good dream.

She turns her head to the right, almost bumps into something, and just manages to avoid falling off the bed. Not her bed – Jessica’s bed. It comes back to her then: Jessica nodding off against her shoulder, Jessica leaning against her all the way to her room, Jessica asking her to stay with a smile out of a dream.

This is the first time they ended in bed together, Taeyeon thinks with a wry smile. The first time they slept together.

“No,” Jessica suddenly says, rolling over. “Don’t.”

Taeyeon is reaching for her immediately, and then she sees that Jessica’s eyes are closed. She’s asleep; she’s dreaming. Taeyeon lets out a breath.

“Don’t…want…cucumber,” Jessica mumbles, her face scrunching up. She’s so cute that Taeyeon wants to hug her, wants to kiss her, wants to—just wants her.

Jessica’s frown deepens. “Don’t…want,” she repeats. “Want…Taeyeon.”

Taeyeon feels like she was struck in the chest by something heavy. Her heart skips a beat, two beats, and her lungs constrict for a breath, two breaths. She searches for Jessica’s hand under the covers and finds it, holding it tightly in her own.

“You have me,” she promises.

When she wakes up for the second time, the room is brighter and she finds herself tangled up in the blankets like she was trying to make a cocoon out of them. Jessica’s hand is still in hers, but Taeyeon had taken almost the whole blanket, leaving Jessica shivering in her sleep.

Taeyeon’s first instinct is to pull Jessica into her arms, but she finds herself unable to get out from her blanket burrito. She struggles, kicking and flailing her free arm, and all she succeeds in is almost rolling off the bed.

Great. At this rate Jessica will catch a cold and Taeyeon will have numb limbs by the morning.

She squirms some more, trying to at least free her other arm, but if anything she just gets herself even more tangled.

“What are you doing?”

She turns her head and finds her face a few inches from Jessica’s. Jessica looks like she doesn’t know whether to be amused or bemused.

“I’m stuck,” Taeyeon says weakly.

Jessica stares at her like she’s speaking a foreign language, and then she’s laughing, shoulders shaking with it. Taeyeon pouts and Jessica just laughs harder.

“Are you going to laugh at me or help me?”

Jessica’s face sobers. “Why can’t I do both?” she says reasonably, before her grin returns. Her eyes are sparkling, her smile bright and crooked with mischief. She doesn’t look the slightest bit tired or cold, even though it’s barely morning and she didn’t even sleep with a blanket. Taeyeon looks at her and feels—just feels.

Jessica’s grin turns into a smile, not fading, just softening. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

Taeyeon wets her lips. “Like what?”

Instead of replying, Jessica tugs on the blanket wrapped around Taeyeon, somehow unravelling it in a few deft movements. She rolls her eyes. “Was that really so hard?”

“It’s different when you’re the one who’s trapped, okay?”

“Yeah, okay,” Jessica says indulgently. “Whatever you say.”

Taeyeon gives her a sad face, and Jessica runs a thumb across her bottom lip. “Don’t pout like that,” she murmurs, her voice and her touch stealing Taeyeon’s breath yet again.

“Does it annoy you?”

“Hmm.” Jessica presses her thumb forward a little, past the seam of Taeyeon’s lips, and Taeyeon gives it a playful nibble. Jessica’s eyes darken the slightest bit. “No. It’s-it’s cute.”

She moves back suddenly, putting space between them, brushing her hair away from her face and avoiding Taeyeon’s eyes.

“I had a dream last night,” she suddenly says, “not really a nightmare, but close.”

“Did you?”

“Yeah, it was about cucumbers.” Jessica’s scowl makes her look like a peeved kitten. “It was pretty awful.”

Taeyeon has to stifle a smile. She’s so cute. Taeyeon’s had this thought many times already, but she just keeps thinking it again and again. Jessica’s so cute.

“But then it got better toward the end,” she continues.

“What happened?”

“You showed up.” Jessica smiles again: wider, sweeter. Taeyeon has that struck feeling in her chest again. “You turned the cucumber into a pickle and then it died.”

She can’t let the words remain as mere thought anymore. “You’re so cute.”

Jessica blinks. “Having dreams about cucumbers is cute to you?”

“You’re cute to me.” Taeyeon leans forward, feeling like the foot or so between them is far too much space. “You’re—” She doesn’t know how to finish that sentence, so she takes Jessica’s hand and squeezes it, wishing that she could pass on some words to her, words that Jessica deserves to hear and Taeyeon doesn’t know how to say.

Jessica doesn’t seem to mind her silence because she smiles, small and soft and sweet. Taeyeon wonders how that smile would feel against her own lips and decides to check. Jessica makes a breathy sound against her mouth and falls against her, pressing her against the bed. The stupid blanket gets in the way, and Taeyeon kicks it away. She kisses Jessica until her head spins and she feels a stitch in her chest as she runs out of breath but not out of want.

“Taeyeon.” Jessica’s voice is lower and throatier than Taeyeon’s ever heard it. She feels a shiver crawl across the back of her neck, not from chill but from heat. “I want – I want you.”

Again Jessica takes a step back, putting some space between them. Some air. But Taeyeon doesn’t breathe easier; in fact, it’s quite the opposite. She wishes that Jessica would touch her, but she knows Jessica won’t make the first move. Jessica is leaving it to her. Always to her.

The words are harder to get out now, now that the room isn’t dark, now that Jessica’s awake and looking at her like she’d been trapped in the dark and Taeyeon’s the sun.

She kisses Jessica again, pulls Jessica’s bottom lip into her mouth, strokes her tongue with her own, and Jessica trembles like she’s going to come apart beneath Taeyeon’s mouth. Taeyeon takes Jessica’s hand, curls her pinky around Jessica’s, breathes the words against her lips.

“You have me.”

She could have drowned in Jessica’s smile. Jessica looks down for a second before she glances up at Taeyeon through her lashes. Not like she’s trying to be coy, but like she’s shy. “Do you want me?”

Taeyeon doesn’t understand how that’s even a question. She swallows, taking a breath before she speaks, her voice hoarse. “You have no idea how much I want you.”

Jessica leans back and draws her shirt above her head. She tosses it away carelessly, keeping her eyes locked on Taeyeon’s. Taeyeon’s breathing has gone shallow, her nails digging into her palms. Jessica uncurls her fingers from their fists and puts Taeyeon’s hands on her bare skin. “Show me,” she whispers.

Taeyeon’s fingers are already on Jessica, but that’s not enough for her. She wants to touch her all over, taste her all over, mark her all over.

“I want you,” she mouths against Jessica’s shoulder, wishing she could leave some imprint of the words behind. “I want you,” she trails the words from one of Jessica’s collarbones to the other, making a bridge, a link. “I want you.” She moves her mouth lower, feeling Jessica’s heartbeat pulse against her lips.

It’s not fair that Jessica’s the only one losing clothes, so Taeyeon raises her arms above her head so Jessica can take her shirt off. She feels warmth flood her cheeks, her chest, at the way Jessica looks at her.

“Taeyeon,” Jessica murmurs again, like a prayer, like a benediction.

“Jessica.” Taeyeon reaches for her, or maybe Jessica reaches for Taeyeon, and then they’re skin to skin, chest to chest, mouth to mouth.

Someone says “please,” maybe Taeyeon, maybe Jessica, maybe both of them, and then they’re too busy to speak.

Chapter Text

The third time Taeyeon wakes up, it’s with a soft, warm body pressed right against hers. Her front is plastered to Jessica’s back, her leg slipped between Jessica’s, her face buried in Jessica’s hair. She seems to have a talent for getting tangled in the blankets, because she’s trapped in them again, but this time Jessica’s in the cocoon with her. She doesn’t really mind; it’s not like she’s in a hurry to extricate herself from Jessica.

Jessica’s still deep asleep, her chest rising and falling minimally with her breaths. Taeyeon’s glad that the blankets are covering her naked form, because Taeyeon may be tired but she’s not dead. She reaches out, fingers tracing over Jessica’s shoulders, down the smooth skin of her back, her touch light but intent heavy. She’s touched all this skin, kissed it, tasted it, but she certainly hasn’t had enough of it, hasn’t had enough of Jessica.

She’s far from a novice between the sheets, but she wonders why this time had felt so different. Better. More. Like it wasn’t just their bodies coming together, but something beyond that.

They hadn’t said much to each other once their clothes came off, but looking at Jessica’s peacefully sleeping form now, Taeyeon feels a wealth of words lying in wait in her mouth.

“I want you,” she whispers, because she feels like she wants to say something, has to say something, and the words are definitely true. However, she has a strange feeling that ‘want’ isn’t quite the right word.

Taeyeon, warm and content beside Jessica, is half drifting off when she feels Jessica stir. Her movements are minimal at first, like sleep is still clinging to her. It takes her a good couple of minutes to actually say something.

“Five more minutes,” she mumbles.

Taeyeon smiles. “Morning.” She actually has no idea what time it is. It could be the afternoon for all she knows; they could have slept through the day. They certainly wore themselves out last night, and it’s not like anyone would wake them up since they don’t have schedules today.

“Taeng…oo?” Jessica asks through a yawn.

“Yeah, it’s me.” Taeyeon doesn’t realize how tender her voice is until she hears it herself. “You can go back to sleep if you want. It’s a day off.”

“Hmm. You’re warm.”

She chuckles. “Yeah, I guess sharing body heat is really effective. It’s a good thing to keep in mind if we’re ever stranded in the cold.”

“Stran…ded?” Jessica yawns again, sounding even less awake.

Taeyeon laughs again. “Go back to sleep, Sica.”

“You…go…anywhere?” Jessica barely sounds coherent. “Don’t.”

“No, I’m not,” Taeyeon says softly. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying right here.”

“With me.”

“With you.”

“You should—” Jessica cuts off, like she lost her train of thought. “Sleep too.”

“I will.”

“With me. Not like with me with me, just… Sleep. Sleep is good.”

If Taeyeon smiled any wider, her face would hurt. “Yes, it is,” she says indulgently, affectionately. “So sleep, okay? It’s especially good for you.”

Jessica doesn’t reply. She’s already asleep.

Taeyeon means to stay awake a little longer, but she finds herself knocking out too.

The fourth time Taeyeon wakes up, it’s because she’s being jarred to consciousness by someone knocking into her.

“Oh,” Jessica says, in the middle of moving around in the blanket. “Sorry.”

They’re face to face now – Jessica has impressively managed to turn a hundred and eighty degrees – but not any closer to getting out of the blanket.

“You’re awake,” Taeyeon says dumbly.

“Yeah,” Jessica says with a quirk of her mouth. “I wanted a drink so I tried to get out of bed but – I couldn’t move.”

“Um. Yeah, sorry. I kind of did my blanket thing again.”

“I noticed,” Jessica says wryly, but she doesn’t sound or look annoyed. Not at all. “Is this your way of telling me you’re into bondage?”

Taeyeon stares, her eyes wide, her mouth opening and closing a few times. She probably looks like a goldfish right now.

Jessica laughs; giggles, really. “I’m just kidding. You’re really bad with blankets, aren’t you? How have you survived all these years?”

“Well, I-I’m usually not like this.” Taeyeon swallows. “I—sorry. I hope you don’t catch a cold.”

Jessica looks like she’s going to laugh again. “You have the best pillow talk, you know?”

“I—” Taeyeon bites her lip. “Sorry,” she mumbles.

“Taeyeon.” Jessica’s gaze is somehow soft and hard at the same time. “Stop apologizing. You don’t have anything to be sorry for. Unless…” Her eyes look a bit dimmer now. “…unless you regret it?”

“No, of course not!” Taeyeon’s voice comes out high to the point of being shrill. She clears her throat. “Of course I don’t regret it.” She holds Jessica’s gaze. “Of course I don’t regret this.”

It’s like a light turns on in Jessica’s eyes. The way she looks at Taeyeon makes Taeyeon feel like a light turns on inside her as well. She leans forward to kiss Jessica, but Jessica turns her face away. Taeyeon’s heart sinks.

“Morning breath,” Jessica says with an embarrassed chuckle. “Don’t kiss me, my mouth probably tastes really gross right now.”

“I don’t care,” Taeyeon says, but now that she thinks about it, her breath is probably disgusting and she doesn’t want to subject Jessica to that.

“You can kiss me after I brush my teeth.”

“Can you do it soon?”

Jessica smiles. “I will once I get us out of this blanket burrito you have us in. What are you trying to do, chain me to your bed?”

Taeyeon’s mind takes her to a very vivid fantasy at those words. She shakes her head to clear her mind of it, not because it’s unpleasant but rather the opposite. Jessica raises an eyebrow at her, and she flounders for some words.

“Technically, this is your bed.”

“That’s true,” Jessica says. Suddenly, she looks shy again. “It can be your bed too, if you want.”

Taeyeon stares at her. They live down the hallway from each other, so it’s not like Jessica’s offer is some huge deal. It’s not like she’s asking Taeyeon to move in with her. But still…

“That depends,” Taeyeon says cheekily. “Can I chain you to it?”

Jessica snorts and elbows her. Well, she has a limited range of motion due to the blanket, so it’s not actually painful, but Taeyeon pretends to be in pain anyway.

“Ow! Is this your way of telling me you’re into S&M?”

“You’re the one who was reading Fifty Shades of Grey.”

“I wasn’t!” Taeyeon protests. “That was Tiffany.”

“Sure, ByunTaeyeon.” Jessica’s eyes are twinkling. Taeyeon really wants to kiss her, morning breath be damned.

“I’ll show you ByunTaeyeon,” she grumbles, trying to roll over Jessica, but she can’t move enough to accomplish that.

“Is this ByunTaeyeon? All I’m seeing is old lady Taeyeon.” Jessica’s voice is full of mirth. She sounds like she’s having the time of her life in this blanket cocoon with Taeyeon.

“Well, you’re the one who wants to bang an old lady, so clearly you’re messed up.”

Jessica rams her shoulder into Taeyeon’s. This isn’t what Taeyeon meant by ‘bang.’

“Why do you keep hitting me?” she whines. “This is domestic violence. I told the girls we didn’t have an abusive relationship.”

Jessica stills, her expression freezing.

“What’s wrong?” Taeyeon asks cautiously.

“The girls.” Jessica’s voice drops. “They know.”

“That I spent the night in your room? Well…yeah.”

Jessica groans. “Yuri was already making innuendos about our sex life. She’s never going to let me live this down.”

Taeyeon stares at her. “Yuri was…what?”

“Yeah, she thinks she’s our matchmaker or something and she always wants to talk about us.” Jessica rolls her eyes. “And she’s always saying these suggestive things. I just want to tape her mouth shut sometimes.”

“Sounds kinky.”

Jessica pins her with a glare that makes her shut her mouth immediately. No tape is as effective as one of Jessica Jung’s death glares.

“Well…” Taeyeon hunts for something to say. “She’s bound to find out someday, right? I mean, they already know we’re dating. And we’re not nuns.”

“I don’t think nuns date, Taeyeon,” Jessica says wryly. “Especially not other nuns.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, you’re lucky I’ve become better at speaking Taeyeonese.”

“Taeyeonese,” she laughs. “Are you fluent yet?”

“Not quite. I’m working toward my degree.”

“In Taeyeonese?”

“In Taeyeon Studies,” Jessica says very seriously, like she’s actually a student talking about her major. “Taeyeonese is a requirement, of course.”

“Of course,” Taeyeon echoes. She doesn’t even know what to say. Jessica’s so weird sometimes, but then again, so is she. Maybe Yuri had a point. “Excuse me. I didn’t know there was a program that revolved around me.”

“Well, you do now. I expect an honorary lecture from you in the near future.”

“Sure, I’ll give you an honorary lecture if you give me an encore performance.”

Jessica looks like she doesn’t know whether to laugh or what. “Okay, you’re right. You’ve definitely shown me ByunTaeyeon.”

“Of course I’m right. I’m always right. Didn’t you learn that in Taeyeon Studies?”

Jessica does laugh this time, clear and sweet. “I think I learn better through application,” she says, a glint in her eyes. “A practical demonstration of your claim would be really helpful.”

Well, Taeyeon is totally on board with that, but—

“How do we get out of this blanket?”

By the time they make their way to the kitchen, Taeyeon is so hungry that her stomach is making sounds that can probably be heard from the street.

“I wish we still had some japchae left over,” Jessica says, opening the fridge and staring at the contents.

“Yeah? Did you like it that much?”

Jessica turns around and their eyes meet. “I loved it,” she says quietly.

Taeyeon’s throat goes dry. “I’ll make it for you again.”

Jessica smiles. “You did promise to cook for me more.”

“Maybe you should get me a cookbook for Christmas,” Taeyeon suggests. “You can put all your favourite recipes in there and I’ll learn them.”

Jessica hesitates. “That sounds like a lot of work.”

“It’s okay, I like learning new things. And cooking can be pretty fun.”

“No, I mean for me. I have to look up all those recipes and write them down? No thanks. That’s what the Internet is for.”

Taeyeon laughs.

“I appreciate it though,” Jessica says, eyes and voice soft. She shivers and turns back to the fridge. “Okay, what do you want to eat?”

“Food.” She’s so hungry that she doesn’t really care.

“That’s very helpful, Taeyeon.”

“What can I say? I aim to please.”

“You can please me if you decide on something to eat for breakfast. Well, brunch.”

Taeyeon steps up behind her and wraps her arms around Jessica, pressing her body against hers. It feels different to do it vertically. “I can please you in other ways too,” she murmurs into Jessica’s ear.

Suddenly, there’s a throat being cleared very loudly and pointedly. Taeyeon’s head whips around.

Sooyoung’s expression is somewhere between I wish I had a camera for blackmail material and I really didn’t need to see that. “I would say get a room but apparently one isn’t enough for you guys.”

Jessica isn’t blushing, exactly, but the way she takes a step away from Taeyeon is telling. She keeps her arm against Taeyeon’s though, one solid line of contact between them.

“Did you eat?” Taeyeon asks conversationally.

“We all ate already. You two, er, stayed in bed for a long time.”

“We were sleeping.”

“I’m sure,” Sooyoung says with a smirk.

Jessica does this thing where she doesn’t actually roll her eyes but superbly accomplishes the effect nevertheless. “Where is everyone?”

“Hyoyeon and Juhyun are talking about planting trees or saving orphans or something like that. Yoona, Sunkyu and I are gaming.”

“Of course,” Taeyeon says wryly.

“And – Yuri and Tiffany?” Jessica asks.

“They went out somewhere,” Sooyoung replies.

“Together?” Taeyeon asks.

“Well, not together like you two, but – yeah, they left together.”

Taeyeon casts her eyes to Jessica at the exact same moment Jessica looks at her. Jessica’s expression is…not grim, exactly, but not happy either. Taeyeon feels like hers is probably similar.

Jessica redirects her eyes to Sooyoung. “Can I help you with something? Do you want something from the fridge?”

“Yeah, I want some yogurt,” Sooyoung says. “That’s why I came here.”

Jessica hands Sooyoung a bottle of strawberry-flavoured yogurt. At Sooyoung’s raised eyebrow, she passes her the rest of the package.

“Thanks,” Sooyoung says cheerily. “You two have fun with whatever you’re doing. Just remember that the walls aren’t the thickest.”

“We’re just having brunch,” Taeyeon says, but Sooyoung doesn’t stick around to reply.

“Well,” Jessica says, leaning back against the fridge. “That could have gone worse.”

“Are you worried about what Yuri will say when she comes back?”

“Yes,” Jessica says seriously. Taeyeon gives her a startled look, not having expected that reply. “I am worried. But not about us.”

Taeyeon knows what she means, that she isn’t worried about what Yuri will say about them, but. She likes the sound of that. I am worried, but not about us.

“Maybe they’re just out as friends.”

“Maybe,” Jessica says, “but Tiffany needs to decide whether she wants to just be friends with Yuri or not.”

“Is it that simple though?”

“I’m not saying it’s an easy choice to make. I’m just saying that it is Tiffany’s choice, and she has to make it. She can’t just keep stringing Yul along. It’s not fair to her.”

“I don’t think she’s stringing Yul along.”

“Not on purpose,” Jessica concedes. “I know she wouldn’t do it on purpose.”

“But?”

“But it doesn’t mean she isn’t doing it.”

Taeyeon runs a hand through her hair. “Fany isn’t – she wouldn’t—”

“Look, we both know that Fany is the sweetest person on earth. I know that she would never want to hurt Yul, but…” Jessica trails off with a shrug. “Sometimes we end up hurting the people we love despite our best intentions.”

Taeyeon means to say something, but she just ends up staring at Jessica instead, and by the way Jessica looks back, she wonders if Jessica saw the words she wanted to say in her eyes.

“The road to hell is paved with good intentions,” Taeyeon finds herself saying again.

Jessica makes a thoughtful sound. “That phrase comes up a lot, doesn’t it?”

“It does seem to,” Taeyeon agrees. “I wonder what the road to heaven is paved with then.”

“Bad intentions, obviously,” Jessica says, and Taeyeon laughs. “I’m going to make sandwiches. Are you ok with that?”

“Grilled cheese?” Taeyeon asks hopefully.

“Well, I was thinking tuna, but – sure.” Jessica takes bread, cheese slices and butter out the fridge and sets them on the counter.

“Do you want help?”

Jessica turns back and smiles. “It’s okay. I want to cook for you for once.”

Taeyeon has that alight feeling again. “I’ll make you japchae this weekend if you want.”

“That’d be great,” Jessica says brightly, and then adds, softer, “Be careful with the onions.”

“I will,” Taeyeon says, equally as soft.

Jessica starts making the grilled cheese, and Taeyeon takes a seat at the kitchen table. On a whim, she takes her phone out and opens up a Note and starts typing. She would prefer to use pencil and paper, but she doesn’t want to go get them and risk losing the moment.

“Are you taking notes on my amazing cooking skills?”

Taeyeon glances up from her phone to see Jessica looking at her. She breaks into a smile. “Yes, I’m making that recipe book for you. I’ve decided to make an electronic one instead.”

“Wow, I didn’t know you were so technologically advanced, JumTaeng.”

“I guess you didn’t get to that unit of Taeyeon Studies yet.”

Jessica’s laughter rings in the kitchen. “I hope it’s coming up soon.”

“I hope you’re a patient student.”

“I’m an excellent student,” Jessica says, with a glint in her eyes that makes Taeyeon think about pulling her onto the counter and—

“Oh no, my grilled cheese is burning!” Jessica hurriedly flips the sandwich that’s in the pan, but the toast is already black on that side. She looks so crestfallen that Taeyeon gets up and walks to her, putting a hand on her shoulder.

“Don’t worry,” Taeyeon says soothingly. “I won’t mention this in the cookbook.”

Jessica laughs and Taeyeon’s hand moves from her shoulder to her waist, pulling her closer until she’s pressed right against Taeyeon.

“How kind of you,” Jessica murmurs.

Taeyeon’s all for snarky comebacks, but she puts her mouth to a better use as she closes the last bit of distance between them and kisses Jessica.

The scent of burning toast fills the kitchen, but neither of them cares.

Chapter Text

The smoke alarm startles them apart.

“Leave it,” Taeyeon mumbles against Jessica’s mouth.

“Taeyeon,” Jessica laughs, drawing back a little. Just enough to place some breathing room between them, to leave some air, but Taeyeon doesn’t want air, she wants Jessica. “The kitchen is going to catch on fire if I leave it.”

“So let it.”

“I would, but I don’t want to be responsible for this building burning down, not to mention all the people in it.” Taeyeon pouts, and Jessica grins and pokes her in the cheek before turning the stove off. “You’re so insatiable, honestly.”

Taeyeon looks at Jessica with her best innocent expression. “Can you blame me?”

“Yes.” But it’s not Jessica who says that. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I totally support blaming you.”

Taeyeon glares at Hyoyeon, who had somehow come all the way into the kitchen without them noticing her. Then again, they were a little occupied. “I don’t recall asking you for your input.”

“And yet I gave it to you anyway. You’re welcome.”

“What are you doing here?” Jessica asks, like Hyoyeon doesn’t live here as well.

“I smelled something burning.” Hyoyeon wrinkles her nose as she takes in the blackened mess in the pan. “I thought you couldn’t get any worse at cooking, but now you’ve completely charred toast. Good job.”

“I always strive to impress,” Jessica says airily.

“You’re very impressive,” Taeyeon says, clapping her hands together.

Hyoyeon looks between the two of them. “You two are honestly so cute.”

“Thanks,” Taeyeon says, while Jessica ducks her head, cheeks pinking.

“But I can’t handle so much cuteness before I’ve had my morning coffee.”

“It’s not even the morning anymore,” Taeyeon points out.

“It still feels like the morning to me,” Jessica says.

“It’s the morning to you until like, 1pm.”

Jessica smiles. “Exactly.”

“Coffee,” Hyoyeon grunts. “Need coffee.”

“I’ll make you some,” Jessica says in a rare offer of hospitality.

Hyoyeon eyes the frying pan again. “No thanks.”

Jessica looks so offended that it sets Taeyeon off. She laughs so hard she has to lean on Jessica for support, and Jessica scowls at her but puts an arm around her waist and steadies her.

“I’m still hungry.”

“You were the one who ruined my masterpiece.”

“A sandwich?”

“Exactly, a masterpiece. And those were the last pieces of bread we had. There’s still a slice of cheese left. You can go eat that.”

“Sica, you’re so cruel to me.”

“You’ve been spending too much time around Sunkyu. Turn your aegyo off before I smother you with a pillow.”

“Sounds kinky. You—mmph!”

“I warned you, Kim Taeyeon.”

Taeyeon rubs her cheek with a pout. “I can’t believe you really tried to suffocate me with a pillow.”

“Well, I wasn’t trying very hard,” Jessica says, like it makes everything okay. She’s hunting in the cupboards for something to eat, because Taeyeon can’t reach the higher shelves. Well, Jessica can’t either but she can at least reach one more shelf than Taeyeon. “You’re still alive and your breathing is fine, so obviously you’re unharmed.”

“First, you deprive me of food, then of air. I take it back – this is an abusive relationship.”

“Oh my God, have you always been such a whiny baby? I feel like I’m dating a child.”

“First of all, yes, she always has been,” comes a familiar loud voice from the door. “And second, doesn’t that make you a pseudo-pedophile?”

“I’m not a pedophile,” Jessica splutters.

“That’s good to know,” Yuri says. “My niece wants to come visit. I wouldn’t want her in the company of a pedophile.”

Jessica turns the full force of her scowl on them. “I don’t want to be in her aunt’s company either.”

“Where were you two?” Taeyeon cuts in before this turns into a full-blown fight. Although that would be fun to watch. Especially if it gets physical. She has front row tickets and she just needs some popcorn.

“Just out,” Tiffany replies with a shrug, closing the door behind her. “We heard about this new vegetarian restaurant opening a few blocks away and went to check it out.”

“It was really good,” Yuri says. “We should all go sometime.”

“Yoona and Sooyoung are practically carnivorous though,” Jessica says. “I don’t know if they’d want to go to a vegetarian place, but I’d be down.”

“They make this mock tangsuyuk that tastes so much like pork I can’t tell it’s not,” Tiffany says. “It’s definitely worth a try. They have veggie burgers too but they’re not as good.” Leave it to Tiffany to get a burger.

At the mention of tangsuyuk, Taeyeon’s stomach lets out a loud grumble. Pay attention to me! it demands. I haven’t been fed in ages!

I have been, purrs another part of her. She tells them both to shut up.

“I’d ask what you two were doing but we already know the answer to that,” Yuri says with a smirk. Tiffany covers her mouth, but her eyes are sparkling and Taeyeon dreads the barrage of questions that’s bound to come. Tiffany has never been one to understand the concept of boundaries.

“You’re really obsessed with our sex lives, Yul,” Jessica drawls. “Trying to compensate for your own lack of one? There are websites for that, you know.”

“We live with Lee Sunkyu, of course I know.” Yuri sounds unaffected, but Taeyeon doesn’t miss the quick, almost imperceptible look she throws Tiffany. “Are you familiar with these websites? Been getting ideas, huh?”

“Yah, Kwon Yuri!”

It’s good for Yuri’s sake that there are no pillows in the vicinity, Taeyeon thinks. She would learn the hard way the consequences of messing with Jessica too much.

Jessica demands that Yuri accompany her to the convenience store to pick up some food. “And bring your wallet, I’m not bringing mine.”

“What am I, your slave?”

“Yes.”

Taeyeon snickers. “Don’t fight it, Yul. Just let the princess get what she wants.”

“Hey, you’re her prince here, I’m not.”

“Of course not.” Jessica loops her arm through Yuri’s and starts dragging her toward the door. “You’re my slave.” She turns suddenly to Tiffany. “Any objections, Tiff?”

Tiffany blinks. “Uh, no? Do I even get a say in this?”

“Save me from this tyrant princess, Fany,” Yuri says, pretending to fight Jessica’s hold. Taeyeon knows she’s only pretending because if she actually wanted to she could leave Jessica in the dust. She’s seen Yuri do fifty one-handed push-ups without breaking a sweat; she could probably bench press Jessica and then do Pilates afterwards.

“Sorry Yul, you’re on your own,” Tiffany says. “This peasant learned not to mess with the princess when she wants something.”

Taeyeon raises her hand. “So did this peasant.”

Jessica gives a dainty wave. “See you later, peasants!”

Yuri gives them another plaintive look, but Taeyeon can see the corners of her mouth twitching up as she and Jessica leave the dorm.

“I guess you’ve been demoted from prince to peasant,” Tiffany says. “I hope the change from a royal life to this one isn’t too jarring.”

“I was never a fan of the royal life anyway,” Taeyeon says, and only after the sentence leaves her mouth does she realize how it sounds.

Tiffany chuckles. “You’re thinking about it too, huh? The fans have had too much of an influence on us. We know their vocabulary and everything.”

It’s impossible for the fans not to have a large influence on them, Taeyeon thinks. After all, they essentially exist for the fans. They may as well belong to them, in a way. Certainly many of the fans think so. They always say that they would not be Girls’ Generation without their fans, and of course that’s true, because what are idols without their fans? It’s a symbiotic relationship, and Taeyeon is no longer sure who are the hosts and who are the symbiotes, who is clinging onto whom.

“Do you remember the lyrics for Say Yes?” Tiffany suddenly asks. “People joked it was a song written for us.”

For us. For TaeNy. But Taeyeon and Tiffany aren’t really TaeNy, are they? Or maybe Taeyeon and Tiffany of Girls’ Generation, of TaeTiSeo, are. Maybe that Taeyeon, the one on the stage, under the lights, is. This Taeyeon, Kim Taeyeon, doesn’t always feel so sure who she is.

“And then Lost in Love really was a song written for us,” Tiffany adds.

Taeyeon remembers relating to that song a little too hard, even though it was about lovers separating and they had never been lovers. She longed for what she couldn’t have back then, or at least just a fantasy of what she thought she wanted. Now what she has is much more real than a fantasy, more solid, more surprising, more…just more.

“What do you really want to say, Tiffany?” Taeyeon asks, feeling like she’s stepping a foot outside to a grey sky and hoping it doesn’t rain. “Did you really want to talk to me about duets?”

“What, I can’t talk about our music?”

“Of course you can, but…” Taeyeon doesn’t know how to put it. Even though they’re singers, that’s certainly not all they are. She finds it ironic at times, how she just wanted to be a singer but had to sign up to be so much more. And yet the more often just made her feel less. “Is that really all you want to talk about?”

“You know, you don’t have to act like I’m always talking in riddles, Taeyeon. It’s not like there’s always some hidden layer to what I’m saying.”

But isn’t there, Taeyeon wonders. There’s a hidden layer to almost everything they say and do. The layer that separates the idol from the person. Maybe that layer has gotten thinner over the years, worn by time and experience, but it’s there. And Tiffany has always been the best idol out of all of them.

“I know,” Taeyeon says, finally. “It’s just that… Sometimes when I’m talking to you, I don’t know if I’m talking to Tiffany or Stephanie.”

Tiffany looks hurt for a split second, before the expression disappears under the layer. “She said that too,” she says in a low voice.

“Who? Yuri?”

Tiffany gives her a look that asks who else. “I guess I’ve become so used to being Tiffany that I don’t really know how to turn her off. I don’t really know how to be Stephanie anymore.”

It’s so…honest, so sincere and vulnerable a statement that Taeyeon doesn’t know how to react. She’s used to lies dressed up in pretty costumes a lot more than she is to truths laid bare. Somewhere along the line, her life has become a road laid with the former, and when the latter comes along she has to stop and revaluate her path.

“You used to call me Stephanie, you know,” Tiffany says. “You don’t do that anymore. It’s like you know she’s gone.”

“I… Do you want me to call you Stephanie?”

Tiffany shrugs. “Do you feel that way too?” she asks instead. “I mean, your name’s just Taeyeon either way, but still.”

“I do,” Taeyeon says, after a moment. “I think we all do, to an extent. But not everyone is as…”

“Fake?”

Taeyeon frowns. “I don’t think you’re fake.”

“I’m an idol, Taeyeon,” Tiffany says, like that explains it all. “We’re idols.”

“I know,” Taeyeon says again, “but we’re people too.”

She remembers the warmth of a blanket cocoon, the scent of burned toast, the sight of tawny hair spread over a pillow, the taste of homemade japchae, the music of a spontaneous duet, and she wonders if that’s what happiness is like in five senses.

“You’ve changed these past couple of months, you know,” Tiffany says. “I can’t see the old you saying that.”

“Changed? In what way?”

“You just seem…lighter now. Looser. Like you’ve taken a weight off your shoulders.”

Taeyeon almost rolls her shoulders back. “Is that a good thing?”

“I think so. I like seeing you more carefree. Relaxed. Happy.”

Taeyeon clears her throat, feeling self-conscious, like she wants to take out a mirror and check if there’s anything different about her appearance. “Thanks?”

“But you’re still Taeyeon,” Tiffany says with a grin. “Talk about feelings for too long and you look like you want to run away.”

“I don’t want to run away,” Taeyeon protests. “Plus, running is too much work anyway.”

“Now you sound like Jessi. Are you guys turning into one of those couples that pick up each other’s habits and finish each other’s sentences?”

“I don’t want to pick up her habits.” Taeyeon wrinkles her nose. “I like cucumbers and I don’t want to sleep all day. I don’t think she’d want my habits either.”

“But you want to be able to finish each other’s sentences?”

“I never said—”

Tiffany claps her hands together. “That’s so cute, TaeTae! I’m going to tell Jessi that. You two are such a cute couple. You should wear matching bracelets or something. Ooh, I know a great place for couple jewellery!”

Taeyeon resignedly wonders why she ever tried to go against Tiffany. She really does feel like a peasant right now, under the reign of a princess as a girlfriend and a general as a best friend. Leader of this group? Yeah, right.

Jessica and Yuri return from their food run with their arms laden with bags. Well, Yuri does, anyway. Jessica is holding just one small bag, containing a package of Pepero that she’s currently eating from. Yuri, meanwhile, looks like she just went on a shopping spree.

“Tae, I got you some of these, I know you like them.” Jessica hands Taeyeon a tuna triangle kimbap.

“Thanks,” Taeyeon says. She’d forgotten how hungry she was earlier, but the sight of the food makes her stomach emerge from its slumber.

Tiffany, meanwhile, goes to help Yuri with her bags. Judging from the corner of a distinctive red and white striped bag, Yuri bought her favourite strawberry candy.

“Want one?” Jessica asks, holding out a stick of Pepero, and then puts it into Taeyeon’s mouth without waiting for her reply.

Taeyeon chews. It’s chocolate almond, one of her favourite flavours. “It looks like you had a productive run.”

Jessica beams. “We did! The ahjussi at the store recognized us and tried to give us a discount. We still paid him in full though.”

“You mean, I paid him in full,” Yuri grumbles. “You didn’t pay a single penny, and you didn’t carry a single bag.”

Jessica holds up the one with her Pepero with a pointed look.

“Okay, you carried one bag.” Yuri makes a show out of clapping. “Good job.”

“Thanks.” Jessica holds out another Pepero. “Want one?”

“No thanks. Save it for your girlfriend.”

“What did you get for yours?” Jessica glances at the bag with the strawberry candies, while Yuri freezes and Tiffany becomes very interested in the contents of another bag. “Oh true, you got those.”

Taeyeon reaches for the Pepero and stuffs one into Jessica’s mouth, smiling when Jessica makes a miffed face at her. “Sorry you had to deal with this one, Yul.”

Yuri sighs theatrically. “It’s okay. I guess this is my punishment for using up her moisturizer last week.”

Jessica glares. “It was you?!”

Yuri chuckles nervously. “Um, sorry?”

“That moisturizer was—”

“Jessi,” Tiffany cuts in. “I saw these cute couple bracelets the other day.”

Jessica gives Tiffany a blank look. “We already have couple rings. You want bracelets now?”

Yuri slaps a hand to her forehead. Taeyeon has to bite down on her cheek to hold back a snicker.

Tiffany rolls her eyes so hard it looks painful. “Not for us, dummy. I’m not your girlfriend.”

“Thank god,” Jessica mutters, and Tiffany glares at her.

“What’s that supposed to mean?!”

“Nothing,” Jessica says smoothly. “So what about the couple bracelets?”

“Well, they’d be so cute for you and TaeTae! Don’t you want couple jewellery?”

“Not really,” Jessica says in a bored voice. “Seems like a hassle. And too much potential to create some kind of scandal with a male idol.” She pats Tiffany’s arm. “Thanks for the idea though. I guess.”

Tiffany looks like she might start steaming at the ears. Taeyeon hopes that Mount Miyoung isn’t going to explode.

“Hey,” Yuri says to Taeyeon. “I think Hani is coming down with an ear infection. What did you do last time when Ginger got one?”

It’s a completely transparent attempt to get away from a fired up Tiffany, but Taeyeon happily jumps on it as they bid a hasty retreat.

Taeyeon has just closed a tab of tattoo designs and opened one of nail art patterns when Jessica walks into her room.

“So we’re going couple jewellery shopping with Tiffany next week,” Jessica says with pinched lips, the way someone would say we’re attending a funeral.

“You lost the fight?” Taeyeon asks sympathetically, having gone through the same experience many times herself.

“It was not a fight, just a friendly discussion.”

“Okay, if you ever get into a fight that turns physical, call me over.”

“So you can resolve it? No offence Tae, but I don’t think you’d be much help in a brawl.”

“No, so I can watch it,” Taeyeon says. “Maybe film it. I mean, where else am I going to get to watch two hot girls wrestle?”

Jessica gives her an incredulous look. “That’s why you want me to get you? Not so you can help me but so you can perv on us?”

“I mean, like you said, I don’t think I’d be much help. Tiffany would probably just take me hostage and use me against you.”

“Eh, she can keep you hostage. I don’t want to pay the ransom.”

Taeyeon pouts. “That’s how little I mean to you? You wouldn’t even save me if I’m kidnapped? I thought you were going to be my bodyguard.”

Jessica stares at her for a second like she has no idea what Taeyeon’s talking about, and Taeyeon falters, wondering if she forgot, if the conversation was too old and too insignificant. Then Jessica breaks into a smile. “I thought you said you were going to be my bodyguard.”

“Oh, that’s true.”

“I’m supposed to be your hairstylist, remember?” Jessica asks, wrapping a strand of Taeyeon’s hair around her finger.

“So we’re going to be the hairstylist and the bodyguard together?”

“Sounds like a great pairing to me.”

“Me too,” Taeyeon says, and smiles.

Chapter Text

It’s only when night has fallen like a blackout curtain that Taeyeon can ask the question that’s been weighing down her tongue.

“Sica?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you think I’ve changed?”

Jessica studies her for a moment. “In what way?”

“I don’t know.” Taeyeon finds herself rolling her shoulders back again. “Do my shoulders seem lighter?”

Jessica reaches out and squeezes her left one, then lets her thumb trail along Taeyeon’s collarbone in an absent touch. Taeyeon shivers. “They’re as bony as ever. I wouldn’t mind if you gained some padding on them.”

“So I can make a more comfortable pillow for you?”

“Of course, that’s what’s important.” Taeyeon smiles, but Jessica doesn’t, just keeps looking at her with that intent expression. “And the answer is yes. I think you have changed.”

“How?”

Jessica’s eyebrows pull together. “It’s not something I could just describe. It’s more something I feel.”

“Oh. Is it a good feeling?”

“I’d like to think so,” Jessica says. “I’d like to think that you’re…that you know we’re here for you, and that you’re more ready to accept that and to take what we’re offering.”

Taeyeon doesn’t ask what it is that they’re offering, because she knows. Like Jessica said, it’s not something that she can describe but that she feels. She’s been asked countless times, “What does Girls’ Generation mean to you?” and she’s answered honestly, sincerely, but she still can’t possibly put to words what they mean to her.

Jessica drops her head slightly, and her voice as well. “I know that you’re not alone, but sometimes I felt like you didn’t know. And even if you weren’t alone, you were lonely. I hope that’s changed.”

Taeyeon finds her voice. “It has,” she says, reaching for Jessica’s hand. She’s many things, but lonely isn’t one of them. Not anymore.

“Did Tiffany say that you’ve changed?”

“Ye—how did you know it’s Tiffany who said that?”

“Tiffany is usually the one to state a truth that others find hard to,” Jessica says simply. “Even if it’s something that I’ve noticed, I don’t know if I would think to say it.”

“She said that I seem more relaxed and carefree. And happy.” Taeyeon adds the last one almost as an afterthought, even though it’s something (a mood? a state? a dream?) that people spend their whole lives pursuing.

“Do you think you are?”

Taeyeon blinks. That wasn’t a question she expected. “Huh?”

Jessica is still staring at her so intently that Taeyeon feels the urge to look away. However, she doesn’t. “I want to know if you think you are, regardless of what I or anyone else might think. I want to know how you feel.”

Taeyeon’s tongue feels like it’s in a knot, and she’s forced to admit that Tiffany might have had a point about the running away thing. Not that Taeyeon wants to run away right now, but she wouldn’t mind a brisk walk to some other topic.

But then she thinks that even if she did do that, Jessica would simply grab her by the collar and tug her back. Somehow, the thought is reassuring.

“I don’t really know how to feel about things sometimes,” she finally says. “I know how I should feel, and I fixate so much on it that…”

“You feel trapped between who you want to be and who you think you should be.”

“Yes.” The word leaves Taeyeon’s mouth so fast it’s like it was tugged out of her, like there’s a fishing hook attached to some bare, vulnerable place inside her. Some place the layer can’t touch.

“I feel that way too,” Jessica says, slow and measured. “I think we all feel that way.”

“Because we’re idols?”

“Because we’re people.”

“But what if we forget how to be that?”

The question is once again pulled out of her without her volition. She feels stupid, helpless, asking something like that. How can you forget how to be a person? Isn’t that something that’s supposed to come naturally? It’s like asking how to breathe, or how to blink. And yet…

“Then we need to look at the people around us to remind us how again.” Jessica doesn’t take her eyes off Taeyeon as she says this. For a moment, Taeyeon thinks, no, don’t look at me, I can’t remind you when I don’t even know myself. But then Jessica reaches out and covers Taeyeon’s eyes with her hand. “It’s okay if your eyes are tired. You can give them a break before you take a look.”

Jessica pulls her hand away then, and Taeyeon finds it easily even with her eyes closed, holds it in her own. “I think they’re okay,” she says, opening them and meeting the stars in Jessica’s. She takes a moment to take in the sight of her, without spotlights, without cameras, without onlookers, just two people in the midst of an ordinary moment in an extraordinary life.

Taeyeon clears her throat. “Hi.”

Jessica looks like she’s biting back a smile. “Hi.”

“If this is the grown-up version of peekaboo, I think I can see the appeal in the game.”

Jessica snorts. “I’m sure you can see the appeal in many grown-up games.” She pats Taeyeon’s arm with their intertwined hands. “Let’s leave playtime for later. I’m tired.”

“Do you need my unpadded pillow shoulders?”

“Yes, please.” Jessica yawns and rests her head on Taeyeon’s shoulder, which feels lighter even with the additional weight. “Don’t forget to put some padding on them.”

“Okay, your highness. Your wish is my command.”

Jessica turns her head so she can give Taeyeon a smile, soft and sleepy, eyes only half open but full of warmth, and something almost painful clenches in Taeyeon’s chest.

A thought wells up inside her, the same one she had when she was at the twilight land between sleep and wakefulness last night, a time when it’s easy to dismiss thoughts as ramblings of a tired mind. However, her mind is clear and sharp now, and the thought is even more so, like a blurry pattern on a foggy window crystallizing into a solid shape.

I love you.