Archive of Our Own ^beta

The pounding of hooves against the grass, the thundering of footsteps behind them, the burnt smell emitted by flares, the distant cries that reach his ears. Yoongi grits his teeth, spurning on Holly to gallop faster.

“Another, from the east!” Hoseok shouts out, a panicked tremble in his voice.

Ahead of him, Seokjin turns to look, cursing when he sees it. “Another 14-meter class? This is ridiculous.” He fumbles with the flare gun as he shoots coloured smoke into the sky before veering westwards, signalling for them to follow.

Yoongi knew this wouldn’t end well. A scouting mission outside of the walls, into the domain of the man-eating titans; it’s always dangerous. He’s been doing it for years (twelve long, long years) but it’s something you never get used to. The fear, the adrenaline, the horror of watching your colleagues devoured by the giants.

But this? He knew it was practically suicide.

“Seokjin!” he shouts up. “We need to rejoin the main body.”

Seokjin nods, jaw set in a tense line. “We’ll join them after the river. It’s plenty of time for the carts to get away. Until then, we need to draw any titans in this area away from them.”

Yoongi sucks in a breath through his teeth but he nods. Expeditions are full of difficult decisions – sometimes you need a diversion so the main body of troops can have a chance at making it back to the walls. Sometimes, your squad is the diversion.

“Keep steady!” he calls back to the kids. “We’ll be out of here, soon.” His voice is lost over the noise of the horses. Behind them the titans, ugly and towering, chase them. Their horses are faster. They’ll make it. “Keep up the speed!”

Taehyung and Jimin give assured nods, Hoseok grunts in affirmation.

The river comes into view. Wide and deep with only a narrow bridge, Yoongi knows from experience it will slow the titans down, at least enough for them to put some distance between them. It’s their only chance. The landscape here is rough but wide open, with no buildings or trees for them to use their 3-Dimensional Manoeuvre Gear. Without that, it’s impossible to even try to kill the titans.

But soon. Hope flutters in his chest. Beyond Seokjin, beyond the river, he can see the tail end of the rest of the Legion. In the distance, he can see the shadow of the walls. They’re going to make it.

“Seokjin!” It’s Namjoon this time, craning his neck from behind him. “Joohye’s team – they’re caught behind us.”

“They survived?” Taehyung’s voice comes, aghast.

“Not for long,” mutters Hoseok.

Yoongi cranes his neck. Survive is an overstatement. Out of the six that were once on Joohye’s squad, only two remain; Joohye herself and one of the cadets, a lad of eighteen. The same age as Jungkook. They’re galloping desperately a few hundred meters behind them, just out of the clutches of the titans.

“They’re not going to make it,” he says, forcing himself to turn around. He has learned to stop torturing himself by watching.

He catches a glimpse of Seokjin’s face, despair written over it, before he turns around. “Keep going,” he says. Yoongi knows that he and Joohye are friends. He curses. “It’s too late.”

“Captain!” Namjoon shouts up. Namjoon only calls Seokjin captain when he wants to argue. Usually it’s just hyung. “Captain, we can help – if we engage and kill the two closest titans then we could save them and still have enough time before the others get here—”

“No.” Seokjin says back, his voice tense but firm, brokering no room for argument. “Keep going, unless you want to die.”

“We can’t just leave them!” Jungkook pipes up, looking back, biting his lip. “I’m confident that I could take out one of them, Hoseok hyung can get the other and—”

“Stay on the retreat. That’s an order.”

When you’ve been among the Scouting Legion as long as Yoongi and Seokjin have, you know that there are harsh decisions in every second you spend away from the safety of the walls. The ideology is nice; fighting for humanity, fighting to expand human territory and protect families from the titans, the wings of freedom emblemed on cloaks – but that’s just a glossy daydream. The Scouting Legion are little more than canon fodder, and unless they want to become titan food, they must make these harsh decisions.

But the others – they’re still young. Youth means naivety here, in all of them but especially the ideological ones, Namjoon and Jungkook. The latter especially – he still believes he’s invincible, has faith that his skills will save him from certain death, believes that everyone can be saved.

Which is why Yoongi is only slightly shocked when Jungkook completely disregards his captain’s orders, jerks on the reins of his horse to gallop towards the two titans on their tails.

“Jungkook!”

Seokjin pulls back on his horse, horror on his face. Going by the rules, they should leave Jungkook and keep going, but they’re so attached to the kid; they both are. Which is why Yoongi curses, draws Holly around and chases after the boy.

It’s already too late for Joohye – one of the titans clutches her in its hands, its gaping maw swallowing her torso and then there’s the crunch of bone and blood spilling – but the boy, he’s still alive, clutched in a huge fist. One of Jungkook’s fellow cadets, no doubt.

“Jungkook!” Yoongi screeches after him, but he doesn’t listen, drawing out his swords.

The thing about Jungkook is that he came first in his class, he’s described as a prodigy – and while that isn’t incorrect, he doesn’t have the experience that makes an effective titan killer. Jungkook leaps off his horse, clicking his control so that one of his grappling hooks fixes itself into the second titan’s arm. He turns on his gas and flies up into the air, swinging around in a circle. It should be an easy kill; Jungkook will draw himself in close enough to slash the neck of the titan and then—

But things are rarely so simple.

The first titan, mouth stained from feasting on Joohye reaches out from behind just as Jungkook goes for the killing blow. Its massive fist plucks him out of the air as easy as a human swats away a fly, and Yoongi watches the horror splash across Jungkook’s features. He struggles, kicking, trying to use his sword but it’s no use.

Terror, sharp and cold, bursts into his brain like a firework but he forces it down.

Yoongi knows the titans can’t understand them, but that doesn’t stop him. “Let go of him!” he shouts, using his own gear to hook onto the titan’s wrist, launching forwards quickly until he slashes the fingers of the titan. Jungkook slips out of its grip and crashes towards the ground, and Yoongi tries to land safely, but the other titans are beginning to approach too—

He’s going to have to kill these titans if he wants to get away. Yoongi’s solo kill count is unusually low compared to his total kills, but what other choice does he have?

He hooks onto the titan’s thighs, spinning fast to cut out its muscles and it falls to its knees. Steam emerges from the wounds. It’s already healing. He doesn’t have much time.

He hooks onto the back of the neck again, swinging for the kill. He makes the mistake of looking for Jungkook in the hope that he’s back on his horse, running away, but he’s not; he’s in a heap on the ground. Fuck. He must have hurt his leg when he fell—

The nape of the titan’s neck is within reach, but distracted, Yoongi strikes too shallow and doesn’t kill it. It pushes up onto one leg, healed already, and the second one has finished eating the cadet and now reaches for him.

It takes some quick spinning to dodge the reaching hand, but in the process Yoongi is too low, flying just above the ground. He’s losing speed, and when he clicks for more gas, nothing comes. Shit.

His gas runs out and he topples to the ground, rolling to break his fall. He can’t fight without his 3DMG, and he’s out of gas to use it – where are the horses? Where is Jungkook?

Yoongi pants, trying to come up with a battle plan, the hand still reaching for him. He’s bleeding. Sweat drips from his brow into his eyes. Maybe this is it. He’s stuck here, he’s going to—

A whirl of green flashes in front of him. Hoseok always has been their ace; he moves with a speed and accuracy that slashes the hand clean off at the wrist. He moves so fast he’s barely visible, cutting up the second titan’s arm and to the back of its neck, cutting its nape in a flash of blood. Out of the corner of his eye, Yoongi sees Jimin and Taehyung pulling up Jungkook onto a horse, and when he looks at the first titan—

The first titan takes a step towards him before crashing to the ground when Seokjin cuts out its neck.

“That counts as an assist,” he says weakly, as Seokjin moves to ground level, half hoisting Yoongi up onto his horse.

The other titans are approaching fast now, with the Scouting Legion further ahead than ever.

All saddled again, Seokjin leads the retreat as they quite literally run for their lives.

Yoongi’s veins are still pumping with adrenaline as they cross the bridge in single file. It’s somewhere after that the exhilaration fades, replaced with a stinging pain. The titans fall behind, and the Scouting Legion is just in sight when everything turns black.

When Yoongi wakes up, he’s lying on his back on one of the carts carrying the injured. Jungkook sits beside him. There’s a woman whose name Yoongi doesn’t know, missing two limbs. There’s another person there, unconscious, blood smeared on their cloak. The stench of death is in his nostrils, and Yoongi gets sick over the side of the cart.

Namjoon is on horseback alongside the cart. “Hyung,” he says, softly. “It’s okay, we’re nearly at the walls.” When Yoongi cranes his neck, he sees that he’s right; the massive Wall Maria, their only protector, stands firm, fifty meters in the air.

“We’re home.”

Nobody looks happy. Relieved maybe, but everyone has seen such horrors that nobody could call it happiness. Expressions are grim, grief-stricken, sickened, bloodied. Yoongi wonders why they keep putting themselves through this.

“Where’s Seokjin?” he asks, his voice cracking.

“He had to report to the Commander,” Taehyung says. “He asked me to watch over you two.”

Jungkook only seems to notice Yoongi now. “Yoongi hyung,” he says, big eyes filled with water. “Hyung, I’m so, so sorry! I know I broke a rule but I thought I could help, I never meant for it to happen like this, please don’t let them throw me out, please don’t leave me—”

“Calm down, kid.” Yoongi raises a hand. His headache hurts even more now. “Slow down.”

He puts a hand to his head, feeling the bandages around his temple. Must have gotten a concussion while dealing with that titan. Fuck that. Ah, it’s been a while since he had to deal with 14-meters. He much prefers the small fry. Quicker business. Not as easy for them to swallow you with one bite.

“Seokjin hyung is mad,” Jungkook says. “He’s really mad.”

“You broke a direct order,” Yoongi says. “What did you expect?” The truth is that he’s mad too. He’s mad that they all could have died today because Jungkook wanted to play the hero. He’s angry that Jungkook didn’t trust their judgement enough to follow their orders. He’s angry that another expedition has ended in so much death and blood, that they even have to go on these expeditions in the first place, he’s mad that the titans fucking exist and terrorise and eat people for no apparent fucking reason—

There’s a lot of things he could say to Jungkook right now. How dare you disobey us. You could have killed us. You could never have saved them anyway. And Yoongi is angry. But Jungkook has just watched a friend get devoured, has just had his leg broken and came close to being chowed down upon by a monster. He’s brimming with tears, and Yoongi reminds himself that he’s just a kid.

Yoongi and Seokjin were just kids, too. Yoongi will never forget it; will never forget their first expedition.

He blinks himself out of that memory. “We’ll have words tomorrow,” he says. “For now, forget about it. Be glad we made it through.”

Jungkook hiccups, but nods.

Yoongi sighs, leans back against the jostling wood of the cart. Above him, the sky is fresh blue, almost clear with just a few fluffy white clouds. It could be a painting. How can the world reflect such peace after they witnessed such carnage? How can nature be so uncaring?

Even while looking at the blue, all Yoongi can see is red.

“Do you realise what you could have done?”

Seokjin looks ten years older. It’s in times like this when Yoongi wishes he never accepted the promotion to Captain. Tension is written in the line of his shoulders, in his clenched fists, in his furrowed brow. To the others, it will look like he’s angry. And he is angry. But Yoongi can read Seokjin like a book, is the only person who can. Only Yoongi can see how scared Seokjin is right now. Scared of losing them. Scared of watching them die. They’ve long since learned that a war like this, against an enemy without humanity, with no weakness, with unending numbers, means sacrifice. But unlike some of the other officers, Seokjin has never learned to let go of those sacrifices. He feels every life on those shoulders of his, and doubtlessly feels Joohye’s on them now, even if Namjoon and Jungkook think he’s uncaring.

Seokjin’s problem is that he cares too much.

“I just thought—” Jungkook begins.

“No, you didn’t think. That’s the fucking problem.”

On another day, Jungkook would scold Seokjin for his language. Not today.

Seokjin paces, blinking several times in succession. He’s doing his best not to yell. “You deliberately disobeyed me. Not only that, but you put your own life in danger. You put Yoongi’s life in danger, and then the entire squad had to put themselves in danger to save you. Do you have a death wish?”

“No, but—”

“Do you not trust my judgement?”

“No, but hyung—”

“Then why on earth would you do something like that? Another superior officer would throw you out of their team for insubordination in a life or death scenario.”

“He was just trying to help,” Namjoon says, crossing his arms. Oh, fantastic. Namjoon and Seokjin have butted heads in the past, and its not something Yoongi wants to deal with right now. Why throw fuel onto the fire? “I don’t blame him. If we acted soon enough, we might have successfully saved them and ourselves.”

“Or we all could have died.”

“Is that enough to justify abandoning them? I joined the Scouting Legion to try save people—”

“And how many people have you saved, Namjoon?” Seokjin asks, eyes blazing, frown tired. “How would you justify trying to save them if Jungkook had gotten eaten? If Yoongi had? If Jiminie had his arm bitten off? If Taehyung’s head was bitten off? None of you have fought the titans as long as we have,” he says, looking at Yoongi. Yoongi reaches for his hand. Seokjin squeezes it so hard it hurts. “They are a relentless enemy who will never show mercy. They don’t have the capacity for mercy. They have no humanity, so sometimes to survive, we must throw ours away too.”

“Then that makes us no better than them,” Namjoon says, pointedly. “Abandoning our comrades makes us monsters too.”

Yoongi closes his eyes. “Shut the fuck up,” he says, quietly. Scenes flash before his eyes, the same scenes that he witnesses every time he tries to sleep. “You have no idea what you’re talking about. You rarely come out on expeditions. This is only the third expedition for the kids. Even Hoseok-ah,” Hoseok-ah, with the highest solo kill count out of all of them at twenty-one years of age, “even he hasn’t been around in some of worst ones.” His free hand begins to tremble. “You don’t know what – you don’t know how bad it can get.”

Seokjin has gone quiet, and Yoongi knows what he’s thinking.

“If you don’t want to abandon your humanity leave the Scouting Legion,” he says. “Or die. You’re welcome to become a martyr, but don’t endanger my team while doing so.”

With that, Seokjin pulls away from Yoongi, leaving the room with a slam of the door that echoes in the silence.

Yoongi slips into his room later. Being a captain means that Seokjin has his own private room away from the dormitories, and while it’s not much – especially on the Scouts’ tight budget – they’re both grateful for the privacy. Seokjin has his back to the door and doesn’t move when he hears it open. There’s only one person who it would be.

He lets out a loud sigh as Yoongi crosses the bed. He doesn’t say anything at first, instead choosing to lay soft kisses over the tense line of his shoulders. Seokjin softens under him like butter.

“You could have died today.” The words form around a cracked voice. When Seokjin looks at him his eyes are red rimmed. Yoongi cups his cheek with one hand.

“I could die every time I leave the walls. I haven’t yet.”

“That’s true. But I don’t want you to die for a stupid reason like that.”

“Preferably I won’t have to die at all,” he teases lightly. “And hopefully neither will you.”

Seokjin looks away.

“One of them had Jungkook. It’s a miracle he survived. He didn’t get bitten, or eaten, or crushed, or—if you hadn’t been so fast to react he would have died, and he’s just a kid.”

“He is just a kid. And he’ll learn from it. We learned. We’re still here.”

No matter how much the Training Corps tries to prepare you, it’s futile. You’re never truly prepared for the titans. You can be the best in your graduating class, you can know everything there is to know, but as soon as you go up against a titan it all comes down to what you’re made of on the inside. Seokjin and Yoongi, they’ve been doing it for years and Yoongi still has to fight the icy fear that rises when he sees them.

“Experience is the best lesson with expeditions, you know that,” he says. “It won’t happen again.”

Seokjin sighs again before flopping down onto the bed. Yoongi curls up alongside him, just for a moment.

“Yoongi-chi.”

“Mmhm?”

“Do they hate me?”

Yoongi raises his head again to squint at him. “Are you stupid?”

“Namjoon, Jungkook…I…am I too hard on them?”

Yoongi considers it. “Maybe at times. But that’s because you care about them. Jungkook might think you’re a hardass now, but what he doesn’t know is that the whole reason you got so wound up was because you were terrified you’d lose him.” Seokjin never has been the best at communication after all. Excellent when it comes to orders, when it comes to teaching, advice, praising Jimin for his progress on his aim, in-depth discussion of strategy with Namjoon, but with feelings…

Yoongi’s the only person who holds the key to that heart.

“I’ll talk to them,” he says, “they deserved that chewing out, though. If they think you’re a hardass could you imagine what they’d be like under Instructor Jang?”

Seokjin cracks a smile at that. “Cadets these days are too soft.”

Yoongi kisses Seokjin’s forehead gently. “We’ll be okay. Live to fight another day.”

He sits up, so he can kiss Yoongi properly, softly, reassuringly. Underneath his fingers, Yoongi can hear the pounding of Seokjin’s pulse. Alive, healthy, safe, precious, his.

For now.

Seokjin doesn’t come down for dinner. He says he has no appetite. Yoongi sees through him. His cowardly streak means he doesn’t want to face the kids for tonight, but that’s okay. If he’s used his quota of bravery for today, that’s okay.

The kids look guilty at dinner, but then again, nobody has much of an appetite after an expedition.

“Hyung…” Taehyung begins timidly. “Does Seokjin hyung hate us?”

“He asked me the same question about you.”

“Us? Hate hyung?” Jimin looks positively offended at the thought. “Why would he—”

“Of course not!” Jungkook exclaims so loudly that the neighbouring tables turn their heads to look at them. “Why—”

“I didn’t mean what I said earlier,” Namjoon says, anxiety written across his face. “Well, I did, but I wasn’t trying to insinuate that I think hyung is as bad as the titans—”

Yoongi meets Hoseok’s eye across the table. Help me, he mouths.

Hoseok smiles back at him, a little bit fond, a little bit sad, a little bit amused. “Hyung is our commanding officer,” he says, “there’s usually some resentment between subordinates. But to be honest, he’s more like our brother than our captain. We forget that he has a higher duty sometimes.”

Hoseok has a way with people that Yoongi will always admire. He can work out the tensions in a room, soothe the atmosphere and make everyone forget their fears all at once. He knows people.

“The truth is that what happened earlier probably scared him shitless.” Hoseok glances over his shoulder. “In a situation like that, soldiers have to carry on and follow orders no matter what. In a stricter squad…most people would have kept going.”

“But hyung came back…” Jungkook begins. “You…you all came back to help me.”

Yoongi’s thirtieth birthday has just gone by. “Seokjin and I have been doing this for twelve years,” he says. “Out of the rest of you, Hoseok has the most experience – even then, it’s only three years. We’ve seen a lot of bad things happen. Scenes like today…we’ve seen them play out, over and over again. Everyone wants to be a hero. When you watch countless people die trying to save their friends…you realise that sometimes you have to just keep going.” His appetite is well and truly dead. “That’s why we need you to trust us.”

“You never know what could happen, though.”

“No, we don’t. Hindsight is always in perfect clarity. But on the field, everything boils down to a split-second decision. We could be wrong, we could be right, but either way…you can question us all you want after, but please try to trust us in a situation like that.”

Five heads nod at him, and Yoongi responds with a smile.

“Hey, hyung,” Jimin says, propping up his chin in his hand. “Have you really known Seokjinnie hyung since you joined the Scouting Legion?”

He smiles at that. “I’ve known him longer. We were in the Training Corps together.” Fifteen years…half of his entire life has been altered by Kim Seokjin’s presence.

Taehyung grins. “Was it love at first sight?”

“Hell no. I didn’t even like him until after our first expedition.” Yoongi shudders at the memory.

“What happened?”

“We didn’t have kind hyungs to shelter us on our first time like you did.” Captain Jo might have turned out to be kind, but he died before Yoongi could find out. “It was awful.”

Five faces look at him, expectant.

Yoongi sighs. “It’s a long story.”

“I doubt anyone is going to sleep tonight,” Namjoon says.

So Yoongi makes himself as comfortable as he can be on the bench, takes another long drink of wine and begins to tell his – their – story.

Min Yoongi meets Kim Seokjin when he’s fifteen years old, and he hates him immediately.

Seokjin walks with a tall back, broad shoulders, a body that is still soft but has a slight build from light labour and good nutrition. Not like Yoongi, who is scrawny and bony and thin. Like many of the other trainees, Yoongi can tell that this fool has never missed a meal in his life, has never struggled to survive or gone to sleep with hunger pangs. His ribs have never been visible through his skin. If that’s not the case, why would you become a soldier in the first place?

Yoongi stands behind him during their introduction to the barracks.

The instructor hazes them all, insults them and scares them. Asks their name, their goal, then shouts abuse at them, humiliates them in front of their peers. He heard the girl next to him saying it’s tradition. From this point on, they aren’t individual teenagers, they aren’t people in their own right. They are titan fodder.

In the hot day, Yoongi’s forehead begins to sweat as he stands at attention. Feet shoulder-width apart, hands at his sides, ready to salute if addressed. The new white pants are stiff, the uniform jacket too tight, the military-issue boots bite into the back of his heels. He won’t complain. He hasn’t had brand-new clothes in a long time.

“Name!”

Instructor Jang stands a few feet ahead of him.

Seokjin salutes, right fist thumping his chest over his heart. “Kim Seokjin, sir, from Gwacheon.”

“What is a fool like you doing here?”

“I’ve come to join the Scouting Legion to fight for humanity.”

There’s a stunned silence.

Even Yoongi is taken aback – most of the trainees have been shouting back generic answers. I’ve come to offer up my soul to the King! I’ve come to serve humanity! I’ve come to do my duty as a citizen! Nobody says the real reasons.

But…the Scouting Legion? Only ideological fools want to join the Scouting Legion. They’re the only members of the military that actively engage with titans, they’re the ones who end up eaten or return with missing limbs, why would anyone want to—

“You think the Scouting Legion wants someone as pathetic as you?” Kim Seokjin seems to flinch, and it doesn’t go unnoticed. The instructor laughs, cruel and mean. “How do you think you’ll face titans if you’re scared of me, huh? Throw yourself off of the walls, that’ll serve humanity.”

He moves forward. “And you, scum! Why should I bother with you?”

Yoongi’s heart jumps into his throat as he salutes. “Min Yoongi, sir, from Daegu.”

A hand pokes harshly at his arm. “You look like a twig. Think twigs can become soldiers, boy? Why did you leave your gutter to come here?”

Yoongi exhales slowly. “I want to get into the top ten, so that I can join the Military Police.”

He doesn’t miss Seokjin turning his head to look at him.

At fifteen, you enter training. Over the years, many drop out, but after three gruelling years of lessons, bootcamp, and training, a new band of recruits leaves the training grounds. Most of these enter the Garrison, the largest body in the military, and spend their days doing nothing, sorting out petty arguments and lounging around on the walls that protect humankind from the titans outside.

This is the fate that awaits the majority of soldiers. Of course, a select few will indulge their idiocy and join the Scouting Legion to die. However, the most coveted position is the Military Police. They live in the safest part of the land and live in luxury – but it’s a privilege reserved only for the top ten recruits of every batch of cadets.

That’s why Yoongi has joined. He doesn’t give a flying fuck about titans, or humanity. He wants a soft bed and a roof over his head and food to eat. He can work hard. He’ll work hard until he gets into the top ten, and then it’s off to a cushy life in the capital for the rest of his days.

It’s three months before the first rankings are announced. Lee Taemin leads at the number one position, to little surprise. He’s a prodigy. Hyuna, Jiyeon, Wonshik, Chanyeol…then he sees it; at number six. Min Yoongi.

He grins in deep satisfaction.

That night there is a celebratory mood in the dining hall. He basks in the congratulations, lets people suck up to him for once. He barely notices Seokjin until he’s sitting beside him.

“Congrats on sixth place,” he says.

Yoongi shrugs. “I plan to rise higher.” Pause. “Congrats to you, too.”

Seokjin laughs. “Tenth place? I guess out of over one hundred it’s pretty good.”

“Maybe. But isn’t it a waste? You’re not even considering the Military Police, are you?”

Seokjin shakes his head with a wispy smile, as if he’s expecting Yoongi to grovel at his feet. “The Scouts are my calling, I’m afraid.”

There are a few others who want to join the Scouts. They keep away from the others mostly, and Yoongi’s eye drifts across to their table where they sit, huddled. They’re strange. Sometimes at dinner everyone overhears their outbursts, about how the world will end unless they defeat the titans and how it’s everyone’s duty to sacrifice their lives to vanquish them. Fools. Why can’t they see that if you stay within the walls, you’ll be safe?

Seokjin isn’t like that, though. Suspiciously so.

“Why do you want to join?”

“I want to fight for humanity,” Seokjin says, in that same gentle voice. He’s usually loud and energetic, but when he talks about the Scouting Legion he acts different, more mellow. Yoongi calls bullshit. As he watches the other Scout-wannabes, something falls into place in his mind. Why is Seokjin so different to them?

“The Garrison help far more people than the Scouts do,” he points out. “If you want to help people why not join them?”

Seokjin looks somewhat surprised. Unlike the others obsessed with the Scouts, Seokjin is popular. He’s beautiful and charming and hilarious, and when he declares himself for the Scouts their peers usually nod respectfully. He’s so brave, they whisper to each other.

“Or maybe,” Yoongi says, when Seokjin doesn’t answer immediately, “you don’t care about fighting for people, you just want them to admire you.” He’s not sure where this bitterness has erupted from.

Seokjin’s serene expression falls away to a frown. Touched a sore spot, perhaps? Yoongi grins. “You really care about what people think that much? Do you really want to be a martyr so bad?”

It’s all clear now, like the surface of a lake becoming still after the pebbles sink to the bottom and the ripples cease. It’s never been about killing titans or fighting for humanity. It’s about how people view him. It’s about bravado, false bravery, gaining the awe of his peers. That’s why he’s not as extreme as the others; he has no ideology to back it up.

Yoongi is a little too satisfied at piercing this perfect picture (maybe he was a bit jealous of him, just a bit).

Seokjin’s frown turns into a glare. “As if you’re any better,” he spits. “You don’t care about anyone but yourself.”

“I could say the same about you.”

“At least I will be helping people. You just want to live a comfortable life regardless of who suffers because of it. You’re as corrupt as the Military Police and you haven’t even joined yet.”

Yoongi shrugs. “At least I can admit it.”

“And if you don’t make it into the top ten?”

He squares his shoulders. “Watch me.”

As more recruits drop out over the years, the trainees become closer—to the point that even when they don’t particularly like each other, they’re all sort-of friends. Most of them, at least.

“Yoongi!” Seokjin calls from ahead. “There’s one to the left.”

“Got it!”

Yoongi is among the best at the 3-Dimensional Manoeuvre Gear. He swings through the trees in the forest as fast as he can. It’s taxing work that needs a lot of balance and muscle and on-the-spot reflexes, but it’s the only thing that enables them to reach a titan’s only weak spot; the nape of the neck. He swings under the arching branches, dodging them expertly until he sees the wooden silhouette of a faux-titan in the distance.

This is a team exercise – which team can destroy more “titans” first? – but they’re being graded individually.

As Yoongi swings closer he sees Changseok from the other team approaching too, and he grits his teeth. Their second-to-last evaluation was released last week. Yoongi (8) and Changseok (12). He can’t afford to drop anymore.

He pushes the gas more, whipping out his swords and he gets there just a second ahead of the other; in a flash he cuts the cushioned-nape from the back of the “titan’s” neck.

He lets out a shout for joy as he bounds to the bottom of the forest. Instructor Jang blows the whistle shortly afterwards, and he fist-bumps his team as they are rewarded with no dish duty for a week.

Yoongi doesn’t miss Changseok’s glare as they walk back to the dorm.

“You should be careful not to piss him off,” Seokjin warns, falling into step with him.

“I could take him,” Yoongi says. Changseok is big and beefy, but Yoongi is quick and agile. It’s what makes him so effective on the 3DMG.

“I’m not talking about that,” Seokjin says. “You know his father is a merchant in Busan?”

“I thought that was just a rumour.”

“Apparently not. And there’s always been talk about cadets bribing their way into the top ten…if you piss him off…”

Yoongi shakes Seokjin off. “I’ll be fine. I’m going to get into the top ten. I have to.”

Seokjin just nods.

Yoongi has to admire his hard work, at least. He has his suspicions on why Seokjin wants to get into the top ten – it’s a much more dramatic entry into the Scouts if you had the opportunity to go to the Military Police – but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t mind him as much as he used to. He may be as fake and two-faced as ever, but he’s someone that’s generally reliable, and good to train with.

Besides – two and a half years here, Yoongi has come to learn that most people’s intentions are as ignoble as theirs are. Who is he to judge? So he puts up with Seokjin’s high horse and his martyrdom and his condescension and he puts up with Yoongi’s lack of a moral compass, and his temper.

(You’re like a hedgehog, Seokjin had said once last year, when they were both on laundry duty and he couldn’t stop himself from giggling at one of his puns; you seem prickly on the outside, but really, you’re cute.)

“I’ll be fine,” Yoongi says again. “I’m not going to let a moron like Changseok get in my way.”

“Ninth place. Kim Seokjin of Gwacheon.”

There’s scattered applause from the cadets as Seokjin steps up, smiling bashfully in his false humility as he leaves the ranks to join the eight others singled out. It’s the final ceremony; after tonight they are no longer trainees, but soldiers.

And Yoongi’s name still hasn’t been fucking called out.

This is impossible. The lowest ranking Yoongi’s had in three fucking years was seventh place, and the only reason he was that low was because he had the flu during the evaluation period. He expected sixth at worst, probably fifth, maybe even fourth…

But tenth?

He has a sinking feeling in his stomach.

“Tenth place. Jo Changseok of Busan.”

The sinking feeling is his heart dropping through his stomach. His fists clench in anger. That shithead – there’s no way he made into the top ten when Yoongi didn’t.

“Salute! Give your hearts to humanity!”

In sync, all one hundred and thirty-seven remaining cadets salute; left arm behind their backs, right fist over their heart. Yoongi salutes so hard he wonders if he left a bruise. It’s not from passion, though; it’s from rage.

That night, during the celebrations, he goes out for a piss when he overhears talking from the officer’s hall.

“Of course, he wanted to be in higher but I told him that anything above tenth place would be too suspicious. So we took one kid out of the line-up, bumped everyone below him up a place and slotted Changseok in. From a merchant background, that family. Very worth our while, if you know what I mean.”

“Poor fucker, that one who got left out.”

“Min Yoongi? He’s nothing but a street rat. We couldn’t have him serving the king in the capital now, could we?”

Yoongi’s fists are clenched so tightly that his fingernails bite scars into his palms. He turns on his heel, marches back into the hall where the new soldiers are all celebrating. He ignores his friends who call to him, ignores people sending questioning looks at his thunderous expression. He doesn’t stop until he sees Changseok, that son of a bitch.

The aforementioned son of a bitch has the nerve to fucking grin at him when he sees him, but it doesn’t last too long when Yoongi tackles him, taking him down to the hard, stone floor of the hall and landing a punch across his jaw.

Immediately there’s a commotion, other cadets crowding around to witness the fight. Yoongi hits as much as he can before Changseok gets a chance to orientate himself. Yoongi’s good at brawls – he knows how to fight, but Changseok has an advantage in height, weight and strength, and it’s not too long before Yoongi’s face explodes in pain.

They roll around on the floor, one of them taking advantage and striking before the tables are turned and the other one gains the upper hand. The rowdiness means one of the instructors will come to break them up soon, but Yoongi doesn’t care.

“You bastard!” He shouts, seething as he digs his knee into his stomach. “You don’t deserve to go to the Military Police!”

“Neither do you, street-rat,” Changseok says back, tugging his hair harshly and hitting him in the throat. It makes Yoongi gasp out, winded momentarily until—

Strong hands on his shoulders. At first he thinks it’s going to be one of Changseok’s buddies here to help beat him up, but then he realises that it’s someone pulling him back, dragging him away from the fight.

“Do you want to spend your first days as solider being disciplined for this reckless behaviour? Grow up, both of you. We’re not children anymore, we’re soldiers!” Seokjin’s voice is firm as he hauls Yoongi out of the hall by his arm.

“Fuck off,” Yoongi says to him once they’re outside. “Who do you think you are, interrupting—”

“I warned you,” Seokjin says, arms crossed. “You never learn, do you? If his family has enough power to rig the top ten, they can do much worse to you. Why are you picking fights?”

Emotion swells up in his chest. Desperation. “I’ve worked too hard for this,” Yoongi says, tears of frustration welling up in his eyes. “I’ve worked so hard – so that I can become someone, and that bastard has just taken it all from me—”

“You can still become someone,” Seokjin says, more patronising than comforting, “away from the Military Police. You’re too good of a soldier to be wasted doing nothing.”

“I wanted to be the best—”

“You think the MPs are the best? Think about how corrupt and twisted the whole thing is.” Seokjin crosses his arms, martyr complex in full swing. “Soldiers – we’re supposed to help people, to protect them from the titans. But they take the best soldiers way to the capital, where it’s safest; where they’re not likely to run into a titan at all. Where is the sense in that? You’re good at what you do, Yoongi – why don’t you do something where your skills won’t be wasted?”

Yoongi scoffs. “The Garrison? And sit around on my ass all day, squandering in the streets? I’ve done enough of that, thanks.”

“I was talking about the Scouting Legion.”

Yoongi laughs at that. “I don’t want a death wish.”

“No, but it’s a choice between becoming a hero or becoming a coward.” Seokjin turns on his heel, his piece finished.  “You can keep fighting bullies like Changseok,” he says over his shoulder, “or you can help fight the real enemies.”

Yoongi thinks of his father, a Garrison soldier who never did anything of note, who stopped paying visits after his seventh birthday. He thinks of his neighbours, shaking their heads as they saw the soldiers siting at the gates or along the wall, drunk at midday or playing with their colleagues. Our taxes feed them and they don’t work. What a waste, right?

Yoongi doesn’t want to be a waste. He wanted to be in the most prestigious unit of the military, to have safety and luxury and glory.

He thinks about what the neighbours say about the Scouting Legion. Foolish. Why would anyone go outside the walls? We’re safe from the titans in here, but they go out to die. Poor things. They’re idiots, but they’re brave. And that Captain Seo is a hero, I heard she saved the lives of three cadets on the last expedition! And Commander Kim, her new strategies have increased the survival rate by 50%! And that Corporal Kwon; apparently, he has killed fifty titans alone! They never achieve anything, but at least they do something with our tax money…

He thinks of Seokjin with his saintly fake-smiles as people gasp, wonder why he’s going to join the Scouting Legion when he could go to the Interior. Seokjin wants a different type of glory. Even if he dies, he wants people to think about how brave he was. He wants to be remembered as a hero.

And Yoongi realises that he wants the same thing.

His fellow cadets are all shocked when Yoongi signs up for the Scouting Legion. All except for Seokjin; he doesn’t look surprised. Just a little bit smug.

Training in the Scouting Legion is even more taxing than it was in the Training Corps. Not to mention that as new recruits, they’re at the bottom of the food chain. They’re expected to prove themselves. The older the soldier here, the more respect they command. It’s easy to live in the Garrison, but to grow old as a Scout; it means you’ve survived a lot of expeditions outside of the walls, no easy task. What this means is that unseasoned cadets are lumped with the most chores, and Yoongi is so exhausted that even on the days he sees Seokjin and the handful of other cadets, he barely has time to talk to them.

His bunk in the dorm is side by side with Seokjin’s. They’re not that close, but they talk sometimes. Usually they complain together about the day’s work. Yoongi wonders if he’s happy here. Sometimes he examines his face while he sleeps; he looks tired, but content. Peaceful. Beautiful—

Yoongi cuts off his thoughts there.

Their first expedition creeps up on him; it seems miles away at first, until suddenly it’s the night before. Yoongi’s terrified, but excited. Maybe he’ll finally get a chance to prove himself to the superiors. He’ll be outside the walls, where few men have trod. And he’s going to see titans for the first time; he knows how horrible they’re supposed to be, but he has a morbid curiosity.

The excitement grows the next morning when he sits on his horse, just inside the gate of Wall Maria. Commander Kim gives a rousing speech, and the nerves fall away in favour of excitement. When he glances at Seokjin, who’s beside him in the rank, his expression is mirrored; trepidation, but eagerness.

And then the gates open, and the Scouting Legion rides outside of the wall, and Yoongi grins as he kicks into a gallop and they spread out into formation, the wind hitting his face as his eyes take in the images of ground he’s never seen before, land outside of their limited view from the walls—

And then he sees them.

The titans.

He bites his lip so that he doesn’t scream.

They’re…awful. Huge humanoids with expressions frozen in place, wandering around until they see the humans and they start moving towards them. Their squad leader tells them to change course, but the titan remains in sight. The formation is so spread out now, that apart from their squad Yoongi can’t see the other soldiers (just the coloured smoke flares they shoot skywards) and suddenly the great beyond becomes unforgiving. They’re alone in this wide space with the killers that have driven humanity to the verge of extinction.

Yoongi is a child again, a child that wants to cry and run home to his mother.

The expedition’s goal is to track land and collect information for their maps. After the initial glimpse of the titans, they ride for miles without seeing them, and Yoongi begins to relax in the saddle. They slow down when they reach a forest, their squad leader pausing to take notes on the wildlife visible. Seokjin makes a shitty joke and Yoongi finds himself laughing. Even the squad leader laughs, until there’s a footstep like a crack of thunder, and a massive hand reaches out through the trees.

They’re here.

Yoongi can’t stop himself from screaming when the massive hand wraps around one of the other soldiers. The titan steps out from behind the tree, a blank smile on its face. It’s massive; thirteen meters, maybe more, and Yoongi is frozen as he watches the woman scream in its fist.

Their Squad Leader whistles for them to get out of there, but as they gallop away Yoongi can’t help but looking over his shoulder, transfixed in horror as the woman is raised to the titan’s mouth. The titan opens its mouth wide before clamping it shut with a sickening crunch over her torso. Blood and guts and muscle and bones explode out from the bite, her screams are shut off and the rest of her body falls limp to the ground as the titan chews and swallows, blood staining its mouth like some sort of horrifying lipstick.

Yoongi hears a scream. He thinks it’s his own. It’s actually Seokjin’s.

Forests are tricky places, they had been told. On one hand, they need height to use their 3-Dimensional Manoeuvre Gear to fight titans, and the trees are perfect for that. They also provide shelter if you can find a branch high enough that’s out of reach where you can rest without being eaten.

But trees cast shadows, and often you can’t see a titan approaching until it’s too late.

Like now; a titan swipes for Yoongi. He’s too shocked to even begin to react, but thankfully his horse does; he makes a high-pitched noise as it runs out of the way. However, the poor panicked creature bucks up, tossing Yoongi off of his back and he hits the ground. The footsteps of the surrounding titans are ground-shaking, and Yoongi is disorientated as he stands up, looking into the chilling wide eyes of the titan close to him.

There are more coming. He can hear them. They can smell the humans. His horse is gone, the other members of his squad are fading into the background, and Yoongi can hear them screaming. Blood splatters, cutting off a wretched cry somewhere to his right; it splashes across his face, sticky and warm and obscene.

And Yoongi runs.

“Get out of here!” Their Squad Leader’s cry is lost to the cacophony of chaos as he runs as fast as his legs will carry them. He knows it’s impossible to outrun a titan, not when they’re so huge, but he’s not willing to give up his life yet, and he’s too dazed to even think to draw his weapons. He runs because his life depends on it, scrambling through the undergrowth and swallowing a sob, even as he hears the heavy steps approaching from all sides—

“Yoongi!” A horse galloping towards him, Seokjin looking just as scared as he is. “What the fuck are you doing?”

He stops the horse, grabbing Yoongi’s arm to haul him up. Yoongi has barely processed it before they’re running off; he can’t process anything in the mess of emotions and images running through his brain right now. The horse runs slower with increased weight, but Seokjin still came back for him. Yoongi clutches his waist and squeezes his eyes shut, letting his forehead fall against Seokjin’s shoulder. He doesn’t hear screaming anymore, or horses. Are the rest of the squad dead?

Tears sting his eyes. As they slip out of immediate danger, he realises he can hear Seokjin crying too; wracked sobs that burst from his throat even as he clutches the reigns.

They were both such fools. They chose this for themselves. They brought this nightmare onto themselves, and now they’re trapped in it.

The rest of the expedition is a blur; somehow, they find other soldiers and are reunited with the Scouts, and they make it back to the wall, they make it back to the barracks. The day passes in a haze, like his brain is trying to blot out the traumatic events of the day, while simultaneously reminding Yoongi of it every waking moment. The haze doesn’t clear until that night; he’s too terrified to sleep. They are safe now, but every shadow in the dorm becomes a titan, every sound outside is a footstep or a sword being drawn, every time he closes his eyes he can hear his Squad Leader’s dying order.

He turns onto his side and sees that over the small gap between mattresses, Seokjin is lying awake in the same state.

“I was such a fool,” Seokjin says later. He’s vulnerable like this; the masks and fronts he constantly used in training have been torn away from him, baring all the insecurity and fear left behind. “I wanted to be a hero. I wanted to make everyone proud. I…I thought this was a good thing.” His eyes are damp. “But this…how can people do this? How can we keep doing this?”

He sounds so lost. In that moment, Yoongi relates to him; he too feels lost, shaken, desperate.

“I wanted to be something,” he whispers back. “I thought ordinary people were so…weak and foolish, because they had such small lives. But if this is what being someone is…I don’t want to be anybody.” He blinks, feels the warm liquid pearl down his cheek. “I’m so fucking scared, but I can’t run away because I chose this. I thought I was prepared for this, I thought I was strong but when I saw the titans I was so terrified that I couldn’t even think of fighting. I couldn’t even try to draw a sword or using manoeuvre gear to get away, I thought I was just going to—” he hiccups, remembering the horrible scenes, “get eaten.”

“We’re weak,” Seokjin says. “And we’re cowards.”

Yoongi has never hated himself more than he does right in tis moment.

However, he’s always been good at survival.

“We won’t always be,” he says. Training didn’t prepare them for this; but now they know the true horror of it all, maybe they can prepare themselves. “We’ll practice together, we’ll become stronger. We’ll become true Scouting Legion soldiers.”

“And we’ll kill the titans next time,” Seokjin says.

He reaches out, one hand over the gap between their mattresses. Yoongi takes it like a lifeline. His hands are larger against Seokjin’s, but they have calluses in the same place. Even if they’re completely different people, right now they’re broken in the same way. And Yoongi is glad he isn’t alone.

They fall asleep with their hands entwined, and when they wake up from nightmares they offer each other whatever comfort they can.

The days become even longer, the nights even shorter as they enact their new plan. Yoongi intends to keep his word, he whispers the promise to get stronger every night before he sleeps, and Seokjin does the same. Aside from the chores, classes and training run by the superiors, they fit in as much practice as they can; early in the morning and late in the evening they go to the grounds to practice their skills. Yoongi focuses on helping Seokjin with his agility; he’s a little slower to react when he’s using the 3D gear, so he gives him a few go-to moves for avoiding obstacles. Meanwhile Seokjin helps Yoongi build up his muscle, work on his blade work. He’s still not the most accurate, but he’s improving.

A soldier’s day begins at dawn and doesn’t end until the night. With their extra training the day grows longer and longer until they’re reduced to just a few hours of rest. His superiors compliment them on their drive but warn them not to burn themselves out. Yoongi doesn’t feel that way though; he feels exhausted but productive. Titans are a less scary prospect when you’re constantly working on self-improvement to slaughter them.

And with Seokjin – it makes it easier to have a constant companion that feels the same about this matter. They balance each other out well; when Seokjin is feeling frustrated and discouraged, Yoongi likes to think that his own encouragement and determination gets him over the line. And when the opposite is true, when Yoongi is too overwhelmed by the horrors that await them outside of the wall, Seokjin strikes with a joke, or a flying kiss, or an encouraging pep talk that restores his spirits. It’s not that Seokjin is an overwhelming idealist, it’s more like he’s a cautious, realistic optimist. Hope for the best, prepare for absolute destruction.

In the evenings, they polish and repair their gear together, and they use warm oil to massage each other’s sore muscles, and they whisper stories across to each other until they fall asleep.

Seokjin is like a safety blanket. Yoongi feels like he’s been by his side forever. In the first few months after their debut expedition, Seokjin transforms from a casual friend that was always hanging in the corner of his eye, to a constant, comforting presence. And Yoongi is happy with it.

One day as they walk back to the dorms in the dark, Seokjin expresses much the same opinion. “I really didn’t like you at first,” he says. “I thought you were annoying, and selfish, and overly aggressive. And then I got used to you, and I thought you were alright.”

“And now?”

He remembers vividly how Seokjin had smiled. “Now I’ve finally seen past all the gritty bits that I turned away from.”

It’s a nice way of putting it. Yoongi has grown up in a world where caring about other people can be seen as a weakness, and he always tried to hide that. By putting himself first, by acting aggressive to protect himself, by isolating himself so that others couldn’t see those weaknesses, he thought he could protect himself. Seokjin is a different side of the same coin (or perhaps the same side of a different coin?): except that his weakness was masked in bravado, narcissism, conceit. Maybe neither of them are well-functioning humans, but they were together during that first real horror and its aftermath. They’ve seen for the other with all of those walls smashed down, and now they can see the person beyond them. And the Seokjin behind those masks, well, Yoongi is very fond of him.

Yoongi has mostly been a lone wolf up to now, but he slides into Seokjin’s life easily and he feels at home here.

Almost nine months have passed before they venture outside of the walls for a second time. There is no sense of excitement or adventure this time; just a sickening dread that fills every pore.

Their Captain told them that no matter how much you prepare, you can never be ready for a titan encounter. This proves true once again.

Thankfully they’re in the same squad again, riding together in the formation. Not close to, but within sight of the rest of their squad. This time he’s closer to the centre of the formation, and when he looks east, he can just make out the riders in the centre position, with supplies and extra horses. It’s unlikely that they’ll see any action in this far, but after about an hour of riding Yoongi spots a flare to the west; a titan has been spotted.

Seokjin launches a corresponding flare and they begin to adjust course to avoid engaging it, but Yoongi begins to hear its footsteps. Already? The footsteps are quick, and when Yoongi looks to the west he sees it. The monster is twelve metres high, and bizarrely, is running awkwardly in their vague direction.

“An aberrant?” Seokjin asks with a frown.

“Looks like it.”

While the majority of titans act in similar ways, there are a few aberrant that are exceptions; this one, running in zig-zags and rapidly approaching must be one of them. Shit. Yoongi has learned about them before, but has never seen one, and they’re dangerously unpredictable.

“It ran past the others,” Seokjin says. “Why?”

“Maybe it can smell them.” Yoongi jerks his head towards the carts. “There’s a good twenty of them grouped there, why would it bother with pairs?” He frowns deeply. If the supply team gets wiped out, it’s bad news for all of them. This titan is so fast its slipped through the others, which means that Seokjin and Yoongi are the last things standing between the titan and their team in charge of food, water, and medical supplies.

“Fuck,” he curses, and when the titan gets close enough he sits up in his saddle.

“Yoongi, wait—”

He’s still better at manoeuvring than Seokjin is, and with limited tree cover out here there’s less risk if he makes this attack. He swallows down his fear and clicks his lever. One of his grabbling hooks embeds itself into the titan’s shoulder as it passes, and Yoongi turns on his gas and he soars into the air.

A rush of adrenaline fills him; it’s his first time engaging a titan. He flies through the air, a little heavy on the gas, and spins close to the nape; he draws his sword and slices but—

Fuck. He missed. He cut a large line out of the top of the titan’s back, but it’s already healing, he hasn’t done any damage.

Quickly, he manoeuvres around it, spinning in the air. It barely seems to notice him. Yoongi’s aim has always been poor, but with a running titan? He grits his teeth, wiping the sweat out of his eyes before shooting his second hook into its other bicep. He swings down, circling the titan until he has an opening; now!

He increases his gas usage and his gear sends him moving faster, and he slices out a deep line in the back of the titan’s legs. He blunts his blades but he successfully cuts through the muscle and the titan falls to the ground. It will heal in a few minutes, but now is his chance—

His gear is still attached to the titan and when it falls to its knees, it brings Yoongi down too. He crashes into the grass, and while he quickly pulls himself to his feet, he looks up at the massive titan gaping at him and—

Frozen.

Just like before.

And then he grits his teeth, shooting his undamaged hook into its eye. The titan makes a noise of pain, a hand coming up to pull at Yoongi’s wires but then Seokjin is there. A war-like cry comes from his throat as Seokjin swings up onto its neck, cutting deep. The titan makes one last groan before collapsing completely, its dead flesh already beginning to disintegrate.

Seokjin stumbles off of the carcass to Yoongi, and he doesn’t hesitate to throw his arms around the elder.

“We did it,” he says, elated, triumphant, scared but proud, “we killed one!”

“Next time, give me some warning okay? If I hadn’t showed up you’d be dead.”

Despite everything, Yoongi grins against Seokjin’s neck. “I knew you wouldn’t leave me hanging. I trust you.”

Seokjin pulls away at that, dark eyes boring into Yoongi seriously, as if trying to peel back the layers of his soul. And in that moment, Yoongi feels another type of tension welling up in him, one he doesn’t know how to deal with, and he freezes in Seokjin’s arms. And then the moment passes when Seokjin smiles softly and shakes his head. “I trust you too,” he says. “I’d trust you with my life even if you are an idiot.”

“Hey!” Yoongi says, but he isn’t offended. He knows Seokjin was being earnest, at least when it comes to trust. And gaining his trust so wholeheartedly; it makes him feel proud and warm. Something rises within him. It’s not something he can name yet, but it’s something happy that not even the fiercest titan can take away from him.

On his twenty-second birthday, Yoongi’s closest friend buys him a sweet cake from a bakery in the nearest city. Yoongi wakes up in awe as Seokjin shakes him awake, the whole dorm singing happy birthday as he pushes the delicacy into his hands.

Later, Yoongi found out that Seokjin arose in the middle of the night to ride to the city to be outside the bakery at first light, with enough time to ride back before Yoongi awoke.

It’s an emotional moment. Birthdays nineteen through twenty-one have been marked by Seokjin in some way, but not like this; and his heart, already with a huge area reserved for Seokjin, swells even more. It’s a small treat; only the size of his palm but it’s made with real sugar, a luxury these days. It’s sweet and melts on his mouth and he knows it must have cost a pretty penny. He makes Seokjin share it with him. Not because of the cost factor, exactly, but it’s a precious moment to him and he wants them to share it together.

Most of the day is filled with training, supervising the new cadets. It’s been four years since they’ve joined the Scouts, they’re no longer fresh-faced summer boys any longer. It’s amusing how the cadets look at him – at them. They’re becoming more infamous as a duo, and it’s easy to imagine why.

Yoongi has two solo kills. Seokjin has four.

Together, they’ve killed over twenty titans. Their teamwork is a well-oiled machine. Yoongi uses his agility and speed to his advantage; he distracts the titans and cuts out their muscles or their eyes while Seokjin mops them up, clean, efficient cuts to the neck killing one after the other.

Humanity is still weak against the titans. But the scared children they were that night? Those cowards are gone.

That night Yoongi and a few of his friends go to the tavern to celebrate. As they change from their uniforms into civilian clothes, he can’t help but let his eyes follow the line of Seokjin’s figure. And even when they’re in the tavern, he can’t seem to draw his gaze away from Seokjin. It doesn’t help that Seokjin acts cute when he’s drunk. Yoongi can imagine the stupid fond smile on his face as he watches him. And somehow, he doesn’t care who notices.

Yoongi knows he loves Seokjin. For years, that was simply platonic.

But as he grows older? He thinks he may be in love with Seokjin.

They are like two tangents, he thinks. They start off at completely different points; different backgrounds, different personalities, different attitudes, different goals. Yet as time goes on they grow closer and closer, and while they never were nor ever will be the same, there is a point where they meet. And that point is where their hearts beat.

Yoongi knows Seokjin better than anyone else alive, so he knows that Seokjin feels somewhat the same. The implications of this terrify him, but for now he pushes the anxieties out of his mind.

Seokjin grins at him from behind his mug, warm and rosy, and rests a hand on Yoongi’s thigh, giving it a gentle squeeze. “You okay? You seem a bit…distracted.”

Yoongi clinks their glasses together. “I’ve never been better,” he says.

The thing about falling in love with your best friend, is that there’s a lot to worry about. Yoongi doesn’t want to confess to Seokjin because if things went wrong, their friendship would be lost forever. And surely a subdued friendship is better than a failed romance?

The point is, that even if Yoongi wants to admit his feelings for him at some point in his lie, it’s easy to put things off, especially then they’re busy. And so, he sits on his feelings for another year before he’s kicked into action.

And he’s kicked into action when one day they’re separated for an expedition. Seokjin has been recommended for a promotion, and he’s been assigned second-in-command for this expedition. It’s fine. Their partnership may be comfortable, but they’re both independent men who can hold their own. Yoongi is worried, but he’s always worried about expeditions (you get used to the routine, never the death, never the titans) so he tries his best to focus on the task at hand.

The expedition goes well. Yoongi was riding up near the front of the formation, and he barely sees any action. Casualties are at a low, according to the reports from other squads, and they return to the city with cheers from the civilians. He leads his horse in, and it’s only then he looks back to find Seokjin.

And his heart stops, because Seokjin is nowhere to be seen.

He forces himself to calm down and scan the crowd of soldiers, but no, he would know Seokjin anywhere and he’s not here. He spots Jaehwan from the squad Seokjin was in, and he’s leading Seokjin’s horse by the reigns.

Yoongi stops breathing.

Raw panic fills him, because fuck titans this is his worse nightmare and it’s just after coming true. He half-falls off his horse, wandering through the crowd because he has to find him somewhere, someone has to know where he is—

“Yoongi.” It’s Jaehwan, grim voiced. Yoongi isn’t ready to hear what he’s about to say, he wants to cover his ears and sing so loudly that he can’t hear anything.

Jaehwan’s eyes widen as he sees Yoongi’s horrified expression. “Shit, calm down—he’s fine, he’s just injured.” He gestures to one of the carts, and Yoongi runs.

Seokjin lies propped up with some of the other injured – notably fewer than usual, but that doesn’t even register in Yoongi’s mind. He’s banged up and bloody (he must have taken a hard fall against the ground and skidded with momentum; his uniform is torn and muddy on one side, and his leg is twisted in an unnatural angle) but all his limbs are there, and he’s awake.

Yoongi flings himself over him, clutching him tight even when he hears a hiss of pain. “Don’t fucking scare me like that ever again,” he says, choked up, holding back his hysteria.

Seokjin holds him close with one arm over his shoulder. “Fuck, am I glad to see you.”

That’s when Yoongi pulls back, cupping Seokjin’s face with both hands. He scrutinises him, committing his features to memory, reminding himself that Seokjin is here and breathing and mostly intact. He’s not rotting in a titan’s stomach somewhere. He’s here. He’s alive. Yoongi meets his eyes, searching for reaffirmation that he’s okay, that there are no other traumatic wounds that they can’t wrap up.

“Yoongi.”

Then Seokjin is pulling him close, and he kisses him on the mouth. There’s a split second when Yoongi is lost, but then his mind catches up with his body and he kisses him back. Roots his fingers in his hair and tugs him as close as he can. It’s rough and untidy, a jamming of their lips together fuelled by desperation and Yoongi tastes blood in his mouth but it doesn’t matter. All that matters in his moment is that they are together, close physically and mentally, and they are alive.

Yoongi pulls away only because they’re in public.

“I love you,” Seokjin blurts out, desperate, hand fisted in Yoongi’s cloak.

“I love you,” he returns, sitting back. “But first, we have to get you to the doctor.”

Later that night, Yoongi traces gentle patterns onto the unbruised part of Seokjin’s face. “How long?”

Seokjin coughs, turning his head slightly into the pillow in a rare show of shyness. “Since that first kill. At least, that was when I realised I had a crush.” It makes Yoongi smile fondly.

“And you?”

“About two years? Why didn’t you say anything?”

Seokjin gives a non-committal shrug. “At first I didn’t think you felt the same. And then when I began to think otherwise, I was unsure if I was reading the signs correctly or if it was wishful thinking. What about you? You should have put me out of my misery.”

Yoongi has no answer, so he lets Seokjin take his hand, lips pressing soft kisses against the knots in his fingers. He nearly melts into the sheets, overwhelmed by the feeling of love, safe and requited, and the satisfaction of physical affection they’re finally allowed to show.

Seokjin adds onto his previous answer. “I was afraid to love you and lose you,” he says, quietly. “But I don’t think that would be as bad as losing you without loving you. I realised that today.”

“You mean the world to me,” Yoongi says, his heart bleeding out on his sleeve for all to see. “I’d kill every titan to protect that.”

Seokjin smiles at that. “Like you could kill any titans without me.”

“Touché.”

“So does this mean…?”

Relationships within the Scouting Legion are rare, but not discouraged. Most of the Scouts have a similar outlook; when there’s a huge death toll after every mission, when an awful and gory death is literally awaiting around every corner, you have to find happiness where you can. If you can’t find the light somewhere, you’ll fall into despair, and that’s worse than any titan.

“I want to try,” Yoongi says. Voicing his own opinions and what he wants is still something that’s a little foreign to him, mostly because he’s not used to getting it. But Seokjin is no thing, and Seokjin…

Seokjin has been shaking up his world since the day he first met him.

He grins at Yoongi, moving in to give him a goodnight kiss, sweet and feather-light and chaste.

That night, Yoongi awakes to Seokjin’s nightmare, shaking and tossing his head in his sleep. When he wakes up, Yoongi kisses his hair and moves over to his mattress, curling up into the side of his body without the bruises and broken leg. They fall asleep quickly, in the sanctuary of each other’s arms.

Their most extreme expedition comes about two years later. The Scouting Legion is planning to make the first official outpost outside of the walls. It’s something they’ve been preparing for years; they’ve scouted out a perfect spot; a hill, close to a forest, with a river curving naturally nearby. It will be years before any sort of infrastructure is build up, but their goal for this mission is to put some preliminary anti-titan defences around the location; trenches, spikes, maybe even foundations for a wall in the future. Having a sanctuary outside of the walls will be key to the future; they will be able to rest overnight, refuel and resupply, and they’ll be able to reach out further than ever before.

However, all of this relies on the success of this expedition. And a key part of it is protecting the soldiers laying these preliminary defences. They will have to engage and actively distract titans, not avoid them as much as possible, and Yoongi is terrified.

The expedition is exhausting. They reach their location without much trouble, but the titans begin to approach after an hour toiling. They engage immediately in squads, cutting down the ones that get too close. It’s more aggressive, more hands-on, and while Yoongi feels a little more secure with Seokjin fighting by his side, but before the sun is halfway across the sky he is worn out, dead on his feet.

The carnage is extreme. They had been told in their briefing that huge numbers would die, but their sacrifice would benefit humanity forever. It’s been hours of death and gore all blurring into one, and Yoongi has become so desensitised to it that he hates himself.

Jaehwan’s squad relieves them while they and the other three members of their squad go to refuel their gas tanks, and that’s when their Squad Leader bursts to the supply carts in a hurry. “Titans,” he says, “to the South-East. Five of them, headed this way.”

“Five together?” Seokjin asks, a deep furrow in his brow. Yoongi’s stomach coils into a knot.

“We need to keep them far away as possible. All other offense squads are engaged.”

“You need us to take them out,” Yoongi says, grim.

Squad Leader Song nods. “I need to consult with the commander,” he says, “so I’m leaving you in charge, Seokjin. Head out once you’re fuelled up.”

Seokjin looks just as exhausted as Yoongi feels, but now deep worry is seated across his face.

“Come on,” Yoongi says, “we’ll be fine.”

“Yeah,” Jihyun adds, swapping her blunted blades for fresh, sharp ones. “We’re one of the most dangerous squads in the Scouting Legion. Five are no match for us.” Cockiness is dangerous, but she’s not wrong, either. Seokjin and Yoongi as a duo have one of the highest team kill counts, especially impressive considering their age. Jihyun looks timid, but her solo kill count is extremely impressive, and while Eunwoo and Joongki are fresher faces, they are incredible in the air.

Seokjin nods, still a little unsure. “Let’s go then.”

They leave the horses with the supply carts, choosing to fly up into the branches of the forest immediately with their manoeuvre gear. Killing several titans together is a challenge, and they quickly come into sight; two of them are massive, at least fourteen metres high. Yoongi thinks a third slumps at around nine metres, while the last two are only three or four metres high.

“Take out the big ones first,” Seokjin says, his voice slipping into his order mode. “The smaller ones won’t be able to reach us from above. Jihyun, Eunwoo; take out the fourteen metre-class on the right. Yoongi and I will handle the left. Joongki, have our backs!”

They all shout out their assent, and Yoongi and Seokjin are so used to each other they don’t even have to consult before moving naturally. The world fades out around them; it’s just Yoongi and Seokjin’s bodies, spinning around this lump of sinister flesh—somewhere in the background he hears a faint warlike cry—but he tunes everything out; one slash at the back of the knee, another before pulling up to avoid the reach of a metre-class.

Titans range in size from three to fifteen meters, and while the bigger ones are more intimidating, they’re easier to kill; they’re slower, with more body to use while manoeuvring, even if they take more time and planning than the smaller ones. The two big ones fall easily, and Jihyun mops up one of the smaller ones; she’ll be a real prodigy, Yoongi thinks.

Not to be left out, Joongki gets the other small one, while Seokjin and Yoongi wrap up with the final in the group. “Right. We need to get back to base,” Seokjin says, pointing back in the direction they came from. “We’re dead on our feet. The other squads will take it from here.”

They set off back, but something catches Yoongi’s eye and he halts, balancing on a branch to look behind him. In the distance is another titan, ambling slowly towards them.

“Hyung!” he shouts over to Seokjin in front of him. “There’s another one!”

Seokjin looks back. “How’s your gas?”

“Low, but—”

“We need to get back and refuel. It’s a slow one, by the time it gets to base the others can deal with it.”

That doesn’t sit well with Yoongi; they’re out this far. If he can kill this titan now, that’s one potential casualty avoided. It only takes him a minute to make up his mind.

Seokjin’s going to kill him. When he takes off towards the titan, he hears Seokjin’s yell, ordering him to come back now. Sorry, babe. It’s not that Yoongi wants glory—he’s abandoned that concept long ago—but these titans, he hates them. And the thought of leaving this one so close for someone else to mop up when he knows he can take it out…

He swings around in a large arc, blades drawn.

Cockiness is dangerous.

The titan’s hand comes up and it tangles in Yoongi’s wires. He’s pulled down sharply, put off his trajectory and suddenly Yoongi is flailing in the air. His blades slip out of his hands as he tries to navigate getting out of this tangle and away from the titan’s hand at the same time, and he jerks backwards through the air.

It’s only at the last one that he sees the tree he’s hurtling towards, and he only has a moment to brace himself before he crashes into it and everything goes black.

He wakes up on one of the carts. They’re stationary, still at the base, but by the look of the sky it’s the next morning. He stumbles out, unsure of where he is, trying to find someone from his squad, forcing himself to ignore his headache. Jihyun is the first one he finds.

“What happened—” he begins to ask, but before he finishes his sentence she punches him across the face. She has a killer right hook, one that knocks against his jaw and sends him clattering to the floor.

“Bastard,” she hisses. She’s paler than usual.

A sense of foreboding grows. “Where’s Seokjin?”

“Probably getting chewed out by the commander.”

Yoongi pulls himself up to his feet and he runs.

What happened, as Seokjin tells him later, is that the rest of the squad ignored protocol to go back for the unconscious Yoongi. By the time they had retrieved him, more titans had arrived onto the scene. They barely made it back alive.

And their two fresh-faced recruits, Eunwoo and Joongki, didn’t make it back alive.

It’s his fault.

Seokjin has a haunted look to his face these days.

Neither of them talks about it for about a month after the expedition. It takes a lot of coaxing and comfort, sitting below the stars on the dorm roof before either of them can speak.

“I thought I was doing a good thing,” Yoongi says, hugging his legs close to his chest. The guilt has been eating him up, worse than ever before. “I thought if I took it out someone else would be safer. And yet…I just made everything worse. Those two died because of me.”

Seokjin shakes his head. “What you did was stupid,” he says, “but they died under my command. They died on my orders.” He runs a hand through his hair, irritated, mostly at himself. “I should have told them to go on, gone back for you myself.”

“You should have left me behind.”

“In theory, I probably should have. I could never do that, though. But I dragged them back with me. Their death is my fault. I’m not fit to be a leader.”

Yoongi tilts his head to look back at the expanse of stars in the cloudless night. What do the stars look like in different parts of the world? Are they the same? He wishes he could find out.

“They’re dead because of our bad decisions.”

Seokjin nods this time. “It’s been so long since we first agreed to get stronger,” he says. “We promised we’d get stronger together, get better—but here we are again.”

“We’re fools. But we’re still trying.” Yoongi turns to him, grasps his hand, fierce. “This is awful shit. I hate it. But I haven’t lost hope just yet, and I know you haven’t either. And once we keep improving ourselves, doesn’t that count for something?”

They still have each other in this hellhole of a world. That doesn’t count for much when death is around every corner, but it counts for a hell of a lot when despair threatens to swallow you up. Seokjin and Yoongi are both fighters, they always have been—but like on the field, they work better together. Yoongi doesn’t want to sound cheesy, but their love; it’s what keeps them going.

It’s a harsh lesson for both of them to learn, but they grow, shaped by these awful experiences. Yoongi learns not to be the hero. Seokjin learns the toll of leadership. He swears he’ll never be a leader again, but when he’s promoted he works through the insecurity it now brings, and Yoongi has never been prouder.

Two years later, they get married. They’re officially the most powerful pair of husbands in the Scouting Legion, Seokjin boasts.

Seokjin is promoted to Captain shortly before his 30^th birthday, and soon after is given a squad of their own. He insisted on Yoongi being his right hand, of course. The newest prodigy, Jung Hoseok, is assigned to their unit along with strategist extraordinaire Kim Namjoon. Soon after comes the duo Kim Taehyung and Park Jimin—a duo that reminds Yoongi sharply of himself and Seokjin. Not so much in terms of personality, but in their teamwork. And last, but certainly not least, the Training Corps’ shining jewel, Jeon Jungkook.

And things are tough, but Yoongi learns to be happy.

Seokjin learns to be happy.

They don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but for now they’re alive and in love, and Yoongi will take what he can get.

“Wow,” Jimin says, “so did you always have a talent for hitting your head and passing out on expeditions?”

Hoseok snickers. “What about Seokjin hyung always saving your ass?”

Yoongi’s about to retort back and scold them but he’s interrupted.

“Yoongi-chi has saved my ass a number of times too,” Seokjin says, walking into the now-empty dining hall. “Once I was literally in a titan’s mouth before he killed it.”

Jungkook straightens up when he sees him, gulping nervously as Seokjin sits down beside Yoongi, tracing a hand over his.

“That would have been a far better story,” Taehyung says.

Yoongi hums, but his eyes are trained on Seokjin’s.

Namjoon raises an eyebrow. “I know you are disgustingly in love and married and all of that, but can you do this soul searching when we’re not around?”

Seokjin laughs at that, and Namjoon looks relieved.

“And I’m sorry, hyung. About what I said earlier. I have my opinions, but I need to stop seeing things in black and white.”

“I’m sorry for yelling,” Seokjin says, “and you don’t ever have to apologise for your thoughts, Joonie. It’s just…”

“On the field. Yeah, I know.”

Seokjin is silent for a moment. “I think my greatest fear,” he says, in a rare moment of vulnerability with the kids, “is for one of you guys to get hurt. I never want to see that.”

There’s a moment of silence before Jungkook sniffs loudly, throwing his arms around Seokjin’s shoulders. “I’m so sorry hyung I didn’t mean to put anybody in danger I won’t ever do it again I love you I don’t want anyone to get hurt either—”

Yoongi smiles fondly as Seokjin comforts the boy, wiping his tears and patting his hair.

For a while it felt like him and Seokjin against the world. Now, they have their own little family too.

And they’re going to do whatever it takes to protect them.

That night, as always, Seokjin and Yoongi fall asleep entangled in the safety of each other’s arms.

“You’re good with the kids,” Yoongi murmurs into Seokjin’s chest.

“You’re better,” is the whispered response, followed by a kiss to his forehead.

“How much of the story did you hear?”

“Just the end. You better not have told any lies.”

Yoongi laughs. “About you? Never. But I did tell them I hated you at first.”

“It was just misguided infatuation.”

In the warmth of bed and closeness of a body, the titans seem far away. Yoongi closes his eyes.

“I love you,” he says, leaning back to kiss Seokjin once more before nuzzling into the pillow.

“I love you too.” And Seokjin’s voice is so full of affection, fondness, love, that Yoongi knows that this is a fact, something that can never be disputed. Tomorrow may be a nightmare, but Seokjin’s love is a dream from which Yoongi never wants to wake.

He drifts off onto a peaceful sleep, warm and loved, and despite everything—happy.