Archive of Our Own ^beta

Every moment Hera could spend with her son was a blessing to her. In the beginning, just after he was born she was with him all the time. Every meeting, every pilot's training, every work that had to be done on the base. That was the time where she had to retreat from battles and missions for a while, keeping Jacen safe. She remembered that time well, and there were one of the most wonderful and at the same time bittersweet memories she had. When he was uneasy, she was keeping him close to her chest, humming old songs from her own childhood, rocking him in her arms. She was going with him outside the base, the fresh air making him more calm. The Pantora system wasn't the warmest one, but it was the time of the year when the snow was almost none, and they were even some of the planet's wildlife growing. Jacen seemed to like it, sometimes even more than the base. She couldn't blame him, the buildings which they called their complex weren't the best. But they had to do, after the Empire chased them away from Yavin.

Those first few months of his life were very peaceful for her. Just for a moment the constant battle was gone from her life. She was giving orders to Sabine, Zeb and Kallus from the Command Centre, with Jacen in her arms. And when she wasn't, she still spent all the time with him. Sometimes she just lyed in her bunk with him, splayed on her chest, and was soothingly caressing her son's hair and back, quietly humming or talking. She talked a lot. And she realized that she was switching from talking to Jacen, to talking to Kanan.

She remembered one of those times quite good, because she could just swear that she had felt his presence. It was irrational, since she wasn't connected to the Force like he had been. So even if he was out there, somewhere, and could reach her from his afterlife, she shouldn't be able to feel that. On the other hand, she knew Force could do impossible things.

“He's beautiful, isn't he?” she asked him, knowing she won't get an answer. The smile was gracing her face when she looked down at her son. He was so tiny, so innocent. She never wanted to bring children into the war. But after Kanan's death, she couldn't be more grateful for him.

And suddenly she felt it. A change of the atmosphere, like the air in the room thickened. And then a familiar presence. Like he was sitting next to her. She couldn't see anything, but she still felt it. A ghost of a touch on her shoulder. A soft breeze running through Jacen's hair. Her eyes widened from shock. That she saw for real. Or she was delusional.

But she still felt his presence. She almost could recognize his familiar scent. Maybe it was his answer. Maybe by some miracle it was him.

“I wish you could hold him,” she said, into the darkness of the room, hoping that it was possible that some form of his afterlife could hear her. The atmoshpere changed. Heavier, like it was filled with sadness. Like he was saying he wished to hold him too.

And then it changed again to the soothing presence on her shoulder. It'll be alright. I'll always be with you. And I'm watching over you. Both of you.

Hera closed her eyes, and felt a few tears falling down her cheeks. But she was smiling. It was barely a whisper, she could easily imagine it. The presence didn't let go.

She leaned and kissed the top of Jacen's head.

She fell asleep, feeling like he was with them, embracing her, safe and warm, with their son in their arms.

There were moments when she could almost feel him. She hoped that maybe Jacen felt it too. She wasn't sure about his force-sensitivity, he didn't show any signs of having it yet, and she didn't know if she wanted him to have it. There were too many dangers that came with it. On the other hand, maybe this way he could know Kanan, if only a little.

She was taking him for long walks, talking to him all the time.

“It isn't the warmest base we ever had, you know?” she said. Her son started sucking on his own thumb, looking from her to the side, like he wanted to see some of their surrondings. She shifted him in her arms, so he could see better. “On Atollon it was quite the opposite, really hot and dry. I don't know if you would prefer it though. You seem to like it here.” she continued. She smiled down at Jacen, and he reciprocated, not taking out the thumb from his mouth. “Yavin would be better for you, the climate was mild. You were born there.” she said, as she kept on walking. “But it isn't that bad,” a few moments of silence followed, as she was gathering her thoughts, interrupted only by his quiet cooing.

“Kanan … Your father, he would like it here. It's very peaceful.” she said, a sharpness of sadness tugging at her heart. She wondered if the pain will ever go away. Sometimes it seemed like it would. Sometimes the grief was overhelming, drowning her in regrets, in yearning for him, and the possible future that they could never have.

Jacen seemed to be interested in what she said, turning his head back towards her. A dull pain ripped through her chest, when the light reflecting in his eyes, made them look more like Kanan's teal. She got used to that, by now. Depending on the lightning, Jacen's eyes were a little more blue or a little more green. It hurt to look into them, then. A bittersweet reminder of the man she loved. But when the first wave of shock was wearing off, she found herself more reconciled, more at peace. And after all, the colour of his eyes wasn't important. She only wanted him to be happy, only that mattered.

“He was a wonderful man. He grew so much. Somehow, he was dorky and sarcastic, throwing jokes everywhere, but at the same time there was a calm and peace in him. A steadiness.” she said. Jacen was still looking at her, with curiosity. “He would be such a great dad. He loved you. Of that I'm sure.” She pulled him closer to her chest. Sabine was right when she told her it will get easier. Having Jacen made her fight harder, and love more openly. The beginnings were hard. Realizing Kanan will not be by her side, like he should be, like he would want, like she would want … It was painful. But the fact that he will live on in their child was reassuring, and yes, it made it a little easier.

“Someday, I'm gonna tell you all about him. About the man he was, about the love he was giving, about the wisdom and courage he had. How he saved us, and thousands of people. About our adventures together.”

This way Jacen would know his father. She will make sure of that.

As Jacen grew, she told him more stories, appropiate to his age. Unfourtanetly, she spent with him less time, but she was always trying to plan everything, so she could be with her son as much as she could, while still involved with Rebellion. Her fight had suddenly one more meaning. She was fighting for her son, for his future, so the war they were living could be forgotten, so he could live in a peaceful galaxy, where he could be whoever he would like, finding his own happiness.

And she would never forget the light in his eyes, when she was coming back after long missions.

“Mama!” she heard, as she walked in to the common room of the Ghost. She looked for the source, and there he was. Her son, joyful as ever, sitting on the floor, his toys scattered all around him. She walked towards him, big smile on her face, and he run to her. She kneeled and met him halfway, taking him into her arms.

“Hello, keella,” she greeted him, not letting go yet, and Jacen hold on to her tighter. He missed her very much. And it was so good to hold him. She missed her little love as well. She kept on smiling when he didn't let go. She looked up at Zeb and Kallus who were sitting on the couch.

“Was he behaving?” she asked, smiling. Zeb reciprocated.

“Usual troubles, nothing special,” he said. She rolled her eyes at that, but the smile didn't disappear from her face. She looked at her little guy, and he was still nestled into her, smiling. She didn't have a heart to let him go, and to be honest she didn't want to. So she picked him up, and sat next to Zeb. Jacen clinged to her, hiding his head in her chest. She started to run her hand through his hair in the soothing gesture.

“He run away a few times, and when we found him he was playing around in the Command Centre. With Mon Mothma's dress.” said Kallus, and Hera barely hold in her chuckle. She will have to, once again, go to Mothma and apologize.

“Something more?”

“He hid in one of the A-wings and almost went off on the mission with Red Squadron,” continued Kallus, as Zeb threw him a murderous look.

“He did what?!” she yelled, terrified and angry. The feeling of fear wore off as soon as she realized Jacen was safe and sound. The anger remained.

“I told you she'll be mad,” whispered Zeb to the former agent. Kallus gulped down. She sighed.

“Just tell me you were having this under control,” she said, shaking her head.

“Course we did. But you know, in our defense, he's yours and Kanan's. He brings troubles anywhere he goes.” said Zeb. She smiled sadly.

That's true, She thought, as she pulled Jacen closer.

“Mom?” he asked, after a few moments. Hera was sure he fell asleep already, but he always managed to surprise her.

“Yes, Jacen?” she asked, looking down at him. He had his eyes closed.

“Will you tell me a bedtime story?” he asked. She smiled softly.

“Of course,” she answered.

Before that happened, she had to persuade him to take a bath, and brush his teeth. Just when he was in his pajamas and all cleaned up, did she could put him to bed. Following his request, to her bunk. Sometimes, he still wanted to sleep with her in one bed, and she didn't mind. She knew that soon he will be too old to do it, so she was cherishing the moments she could spend with her son, now.

“What story do you want to hear?” she asked, when they settled in the bed, her arms around his still so small form, as he nestled into her.

“The one with daddy,” he said, and Hera smiled, a small chuckle escaping her. Jacen loved to hear about Kanan. And she loved to tell him.

“Which one? I told you a lot of stories about dad.” she asked.

“Maybe a new one?” he asked, looking up at her. Hera's smile widened, and affection washed all over her.

“Of course, keella. Of course.” she was silent for a moment, running her hand through Jacen's hair, before she smiled.

“Did I ever tell you about the time your dad and mom had to stop a shipment of kyber crystals from being taken over by the Empire?” she asked. Jacen shook his head, smiling at her widely. He was already excited to hear the story. She grinned back, seeing pure happiness on her son's face.

“Strap in, then. It's a wild story. It all wouldn't be possible if not for the boy, named Ezra.”

“Is he the brother you told me about?” asked Jacen. Her smile widened.

“Yes, he's your brother. I hope you'll meet him some day.” she made a pause, remembering Ezra. She still hold on to the hope of finding him. “ Anyway, it seemed like without the informations, your parents wouldn't be able to track the shipment, so it was Ezra's mission to gain them.” she started, and after a while, she found herself totally lost in the story, good memories floating through her mind. Jacen asked her tons of questions, but soon he became too tired and started to fall asleep. She finished the story anyway, if only for herself. Jacen's breaths evened and she knew he was peacefully sleeping.

“You remember that, Kanan?” she asked, like she did so many times. This time she didn't feel his presence. But it made her feel better anyway.

“Yeah, that was one of our greatest escapes. The perfect sync.” she continued like he could answer. The overhelming sadness crept into her heart, and she pulled Jacen closer.

“I wish you were here, Kanan.” she whispered.

Despite the feeling of pain and sadness, she was grateful to remember this mission, like thousands more with Kanan by her side. She spent with him ten years filled with adventures, friendship, deep respect, trust, and love. This way Kanan lived on. Through her memories.

And through their son.