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Joey Lucas flunked the audition.
I swear, you just cannot help some people, and it does no good to try. You practically throw this man at someone -- this beautiful, egotistical, intelligent, hostile, witty, infuriating man -- and she doesn't make the next move.
And him -- he's just as bad. If not worse. I point out any number of conversational openings where he could jump right in there and ask her out, and he does nothing.
Ask me if I'll help him out again. Just ask me.
Let him take care of himself when I'm gone. I no longer care. His problems do not affect me.
I am impervious.
It's my new motto.
Is he dating someone who is obviously wrong for him? I don't care. Impervious.
Has he worked himself up over some obscure matter of domestic policy that won't even make it out of committee? I could not care less. Impervious.
Is he not getting enough sleep? Tucking him into bed is not in my job description. Impervious.
Is he having another round of PTSD? I'm only his assistant. Impervious.
Okay, I may have to work a little harder making that last one stick. Christmas was hell; I can't go through that again.
But my point here is this: I am still determined to get on with my own life. My period of being obsessed with Joshua Lyman is over. I'm moving on whether he likes it or not.
Right after re-election.
People are beginning to talk here, in whispers, about re-election. The light, as far as I'm concerned, is at the end of the tunnel. I can see my new, gloriously Josh Lyman-free life in the distance. It's a happy image: college, stimulating discussions in which no one will ever refer to "the thing," men who will be interested in something other than why I won't bring them coffee. There will be no Josh Lyman bellowing my name as though I were not a mere three feet away. No intense, whispered conversations with Josh in the hallways. No 3 a.m. phone calls from Josh, telling me that I have to be in the office promptly at 7 a.m.
Life will be good.
For me anyway.
I still think he'll fall apart without me, but that's his problem.
After the latest Joey Lucas fiasco, I'm giving up on finding new candidates for the job of taking care of Josh.
If people refuse to cooperate when you point out the obvious advantages to them, what else can you do?
Take Tuesday night, for instance, after Josh got back from his meeting in the Oval Office. The light flickered on for a few minutes, and it looked as though we were going to get those all-important numbers. During those brief moments, Josh was huddled with Joey. She was sitting down; he was standing over her, head bent down as close to her as he could get. Which was, I couldn't help observing, fairly pointless. I mean, not to be crass, but did he think she'd suddenly be able to hear him that way? And he had that whole intensity thing going. You know, he gets on these absolute political highs, and he's just a joy to watch. He's a bundle of energy, can't stand still -- bounces around on his heels, runs his hands through his hair, completely forgets that whole concept of not invading other people's personal space. I love him most when he's in that mode.
Relapse alert. Time to focus on my Josh-free future. I am visualizing myself carrying an armload of books, walking down some quaint, tree-lined campus.
There. Relapse over. I am so not in love with Josh Lyman.
Where was I? Right. The lights came on for a minute. I leafed through Vogue and watched Josh and Joey. They made a cute couple. I was still wary, because of the whole Al Kiefer thing. However, I had made it clear that I would not tolerate her messing with Joshua's heart that way. All in all, I thought the situation showed promise.
Then the lights went out again. Josh went back to freaking out over the lack of numbers, and he completely ignored the many signals Joey was throwing his way.
I was positively giddy with disappointment.
And the drive home -- Josh insisted on driving me home because I'd left my car at the White House. On the drive home, he kept going on and on about the damn numbers, so finally I asked him, "Josh, have you suddenly developed an aversion to beautiful, intelligent women in general, or is it just Joey Lucas you're immune to?"
"Would you shut up about Joey Lucas?"
"You had more than a dozen opportunities to ask her out. I counted. I'm very disappointed in you."
"What is this about? What is this sudden obsession you have with me and Joey Lucas? Why does it matter so much to you?"
"It doesn't. I'm merely amusing myself."
"At my expense?"
"You're an easy target. It's pretty hard to miss that ego."
He gave me his skeptical face, but he didn't push the issue. I was relieved since, after all, I don't want to break the news about my leaving yet. That's going to be a nasty scene, so I'd just as soon put it off until all my plans are made and I can make a quick exit.
I'm dreading the whole part where I tell him I'm leaving. He'll be hurt, and I'll feel guilty. Then he'll get hostile, I'll get defensive, and we'll both say mean-spirited things. It can't possibly end well.
I hate thinking about it not ending well.
So I was awfully glad he didn't push it.
Sadly, the next day CJ pushed it. She overheard one of my conversations with Josh on the subject. I think it was when he was sputtering about not wanting me to sabotage his love life.
"Sabotage?" I asked. "I'm trying to get you to ask the nice lady out. That's the opposite of sabotage."
"Aha!" he shouted, as though I'd suddenly admitted something incriminating. "You think I don't see what you're doing, but I'm on to you. I know what you want. You want me to go out with Joey, and then you're going to come up with some diabolical scheme to undermine it as soon as I get serious about her."
"Why would I do that?" And more importantly, how?
Oops. Minor relapse there.
School -- entire days spent reading. Discussions of history and literature and philosophy and other things unrelated to politics.
There. I'm impervious again.
"Because," Josh said, "it's payback. You want to get even for my pointing out how there has been absolutely no chance of anything developing with the jerks you date."
"They weren't all jerks. And of course nothing was going to develop when you have me paged in the middle of dinner with some story about how there's a crisis at the office and I have to get back right away."
"There was a crisis. I couldn't find the thing."
"The folder, Josh. The folder with the data on the bill you weren't discussing for another three days."
"That constitutes a crisis."
"You made it sound like we'd just declared war." Or that he'd had another PTSD episode. Nearly scared me out of my mind.
"Still," he said, "this is payback, and I'm not falling for it."
"It's not. It's just -- she likes you; you like her. If you feel that strongly about someone, you should act on it."
"Go find some work to do, will you?" This is Josh's way of saying that I have an excellent point even though he's not ready to admit it.
I suppose our voices -- his, anyway -- were raised enough for CJ to overhear. She called me into her office a few minutes later.
"What's going on?" she asked.
I learned long ago that there is no point trying to conceal things from Claudia Jean Cregg. So I spilled my guts -- my plan to leave, how worried I was about Josh, how I thought Joey Lucas might take proper care of him when I'm gone, everything.
CJ looked rather dazed when I finished.
"So one of you finally got a clue," she said. "Should have known it would be you."
"Yeah, Josh can be pretty stupid about these things."
CJ gave me what can only be described as an eloquent look.
"Oh, come on, CJ," I protested. "I've known for months."
"I've known for three years, so I'm still ahead of you two morons," she answered. "And can I point out the many flaws in your reasoning?"
"My reasoning is flawless."
"You realize exactly how bad getting involved with your boss would be, so you decide to leave -- in two years, give or take a few months?"
"These things take time. I need to work out the details. And I can't just spring this on Josh. He doesn't react well to change and--"
"If you're leaving, why do you care how he'll react?"
"Because -- well, because--"
CJ continued to stare me down.
"Because he's Josh," I answered lamely.
CJ shook her head. "Donna, keep in mind the fact that I would miss you if you left, so I say this reluctantly. Leaving might be the best thing you could do at this point. And there's no reason you can't leave now if that's what you really want to do."
I think of CJ as the big sister I never had -- as opposed to the big sister I do have, who is quite the disappointment. So it sort of hurt to hear her tell me, basically, that I should pack my bags and get out of town.
"He'll survive without you," she went on. "Yes, he'll be a mess for awhile. Yes, he'll create all sorts of emotional chaos in his wake. That's what he does. But he'll survive. He'll even get over you eventually."
"I won't get over him."
Oh, hell. I'm getting sick of these relapses.
I can't think of a single image to get this one out of my head. All I can see is me saying goodbye to Josh, me having a perfectly good life but not a truly happy one without Josh to tease and cajole and protect and maybe make love to.
I have to stop this. I absolutely have to focus on making plans. CJ's right.
"You'll get over him," CJ said. "It will take time, but you'll do it. After all, you got over -- the med student. What was his name?"
"Dr. Free -- Alan. His name was Alan."
This is what it's come to: I even view my own past through Josh's eyes. This is how pathetic I've become.
"Anyway," I told CJ, "Alan was a jerk. It's not the same thing at all."
"Oh, right, because Josh is so damn perfect."
"Well, okay, maybe there are some superficial similarities."
CJ shrugged. "I'm just saying that you need to make a decision and act on it now, not wait until things get out of control. You've got the right idea, after all. You need to go back to school and figure out what you want from life besides Josh."
"I know."
"Besides, once you've done that, if you're still not over him--"
"He'll be married to Joey Lucas. Or somebody like her."
"Maybe not."
"This is Josh we're talking about. He'll have forgotten all about me. The man has no long-term memory for anything that doesn't involve politics."
"Don't be so sure." She smiled at me then. "Don't let me influence you, but I think you need to make a decision in your own best interests, not in terms of how it will affect Josh."
"I know," I said. "And I appreciate it, CJ. Honestly. Just do me a favor and don't tell him we talked about this, okay?"
"Okay."
By the time I made it back to my desk, Joey Lucas had arrived with the numbers and Josh was shouting for me. Broke my heart, looking at him. He was counting on those five districts going our way. He takes these defeats so personally, especially on this issue. I could tell he was about to go off on some long discussion of the numbers with Joey, so I went home.
As luck would have it, a bunch of the college catalogs I requested came in today. Despite Josh's crack about coming in early tomorrow, maybe I'll take a personal day instead. Maybe I'll just stay home and look through college catalogs and make my decision. Josh will probably spend the day in meetings with Joey Lucas anyway, going over those numbers a dozen more times. No need for me to be there.
Things happen in meetings anyway. Lots of time to spend together -- just Josh and Joey. And Kenny to interpret. Something could still develop between Josh and Joey. I shouldn't give up hope.
I should just take CJ's advice and make plans that don't revolve around Josh. I should work on figuring out my own future, not his.
I should face facts: I'm not over him yet. I'm not impervious.
But I will be.
One of these days, I swear I will be.
THE END
02.15.01