Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

He never knew his heart could beat so fast. Kasen had to do all he could to keep it from pounding right out of his chest. The palpitations made his blood rush to his pale visage, setting him on the verge of heartfelt tears. His life just changed for the best and every pound of his accelerated heartbeat nudged him closer and closer to running out the door to scream him happiness to the heavens. Goodness he wanted to tell Shokudaikiri. They’ve waited so long and now he just wanted to run and find him and-

No. Not yet. He couldn’t tell him just yet. He had to announce it. It was the only way a sword of elegance like himself could do something like this. So, he stopped in his tracks and thought for a moment. Today was Tuesday. He had to give himself time to plan something special. How long would he need? He wanted at least a week and he could make sure he could get Shokudaikiri alone.

Thursday came into his mind. So that evening in the kitchen as his love was over a pot of broth, Kasen simply asked, “Do you have any plans for next Thursday evening?”

“Next Thursday?” Shokudaikiri echoed as he stirred the liquid around, letting some of the steam rise across his structured jaw. “Aside from this as we always do, I don’t have anything planned.”

Kasen continued mincing the onions on his cutting board. “You don’t have any plans with Tsurumaru or Taikogane or anyone?”

“Well, you are oddly nosey today, aren’t you?” he played, with no more intention than to tease his lover. He’s been asking him a lot of questions this evening. A bit uncharacteristic of his cherished Kasen.

“I just miss you, that’s all,” Kasen said calmly as he finished chopping, refusing to let his hidden excitement onto the Tachi. He put the knife down and took hold of the cutting board and walked over to his lover’s side so he could drop the vegetable pieces into the bubbling broth.

“Miss me?” he crooned as he pulled Kasen into his arms as soon as he was in arms reach. “Seeing me everyday isn’t enough for you?”

Kasen lurched into his grasp. “Careful! I’m going to drop onion everywhere-”

“No you’re not,” he murmured into Kasen’s ear before placing a soft kiss upon the outer rim of his ear. Slowly he began to sway side to side and Kasen could not help but follow with the soft motion. “Now, about this proposition: you say you want to make special time for just the two of us this Thursday?”

“Only if you’d like.”

“Well, if you want to make it so special, why don’t we ask someone else to take over for dinner that night? We’ll take our dinner to our room, and eat alone. Sound good?”

Kasen was glad he suggested it first. “That’s a nice idea.”

The rest of the evening and the evenings following went as they always did. They took care of their daily duties and cooked every night. Three days passed from that Tuesday, making it Friday. He had a little less than a week left until their date, and Kasen decided he was going to write a poem for Shokudaikiri. He already wrote the poem about four times. It was all he could think about. Cooking diner he would recite the verses over and over again in his head. Making him in a constant state of preoccupation. Should it be obvious? Should it be vague? What would make it perfect? Every moment he had, he wrote and rewrote because it had to be perfect. Something like this was so special, especially for them considering all they have been through to get here.

He told Shokudaikiri he wanted to spend their night beneath the tree. That was when he was going to give him the poem. It was March, so the tree may not be blooming as Kasen would have dreamed, but that would not matter. It didn’t matter so much where they were as to what he had to say.

Finally Thursday came, but the sky was dark for the entire day. The greyness of the day forced Kasen’s heart into his throat. It looked like it was going to rain. Actually, it was going to rain. He prayed and prayed it would wait until after they had their evening together or at least until after he could give him the poem. He even would have taken it before their allotted time; the petrichor in the air could have added something quite romantic to the night. But of course, such a thing did not ensue.

They took their dinner to their room as they planned, and soon after they finished Kasen insisted they get a move on their evening. Shokudaikiri suggested that maybe they should just stay inside tonight or move it to another day. After all, they did not need to be beneath the branches to have a nice night together. But Kasen was absolutely steadfast, and he knew better than to fight Kasen on something he was persistent on. He loved him more than anything, but he can be quite stubborn sometimes. Thankfully he loved him enough to deal with it on a daily basis. Nevertheless, he could not believe Kasen wanted to take the risk of being caught in a torrential downpour just to sit outside.

“Looks like the skies could open up any second,” Shokudaikiri pointed out as they trudged up the hill.

“Oh, ye of little faith,” was all he said.

“It’s not faith, Kasen. It’s the weather-”

“Shokudaikiri, please,” Kasen accidently snapped. Shokudaikiri shut up right away, which gave Kasen a little bit if guilt. But if he wasn’t so steadfast, their privacy would be tarnished due to the oncoming storm; the citadel would be filled with swords, eliminating whatever privacy they had, and that was really important for this.

In silence they made it to the base of the tree. They both turned around to overlook the field back at the citadel. It was practically silent, minus the whistling winds of the oncoming storm. Other than that, it was just them and the quiet. Complete and beautiful privacy.

Kasen gazed over to the dimly lit citadel windows, but his focus was on the humble paper beneath his robe. It weighed heavily like a stone on his chest for now was the time to tell him. He was not nervous before, but now that the time came he felt his hand start to tremble.  

“I have to say, this privacy is lovely.” Shokudaikiri turned to see Kasen with a distant gaze and how he flinched when he spoke. “Are you alright? You’ve seemed preoccupied lately.”

Kasen did not answer directly. Instead he abruptly reached into the flap of his robe and handed the paper to the man beside him. “This is for you.”

“A poem, huh? Is this what’s been keeping you so occupied?” he said with a grin, thinking of it as nothing more but one if his occasional romantic gestures.

“More or less.”

Shokudaikiri did not outwardly question his curtness. Instead he read the poem silently to himself:

A Heart and a Soul,

A Kiss and a Wish,

A Bond that is mine

And mine to cherish.

For flowers to bloom

And spring to thrive,

Naught is needed more

Than love at one’s side.

I as a sprout,

And You as my warmth,

Adoration become

The source of my growth.

Then as warm springs pollinate

And as blossoms bear fruit,

It was just about time

Our bond grew someone new.

We were just a heart and a soul

And just a Kiss and a Wish.

But the bond that was mine

Is no longer mine alone to cherish.

Coming to the last verse, he took a long ponder about it. It was very rare for Kasen to refer to himself directly in a poem, which meant he was trying to tell him something. This was more than just a gesture, but a message. He reread it, and his heart skipped a beat. He wasn’t sure exactly what he was trying to say… But he had a sneaking suspicion about something. Something deep within him knew what this was about. He was just unsure because he thought they swore to forget this fantasy, this dream that they could never seem to grasp despite their greatest efforts. This fact was always looming above them but now... Could it be that maybe they could bear that hope again?

“Kasen, this is beautiful… but…”

Kasen cut him off. He did not look at Shokudaikiri as he turned to face him, or even as he tenderly took both of Shokudaikiri’s gloved hands. He did not mind the paper that wrinkled beneath his grasp as he guided the warm palms down between the two of their statuesque bodies. He let the satin silence of the cooling evening build for a moment as he took a clean, crystalline inhale. Even when he felt a raindrop pat against his sleeve, he still built his confidence. Slowly he looked into Shokudaikiri’s glinting iris with a misty smile and told him what he had been waiting to tell him for so long now…

“I’m pregnant, Kiri.”

The raindrops began their consecutive fall to the Earth below. Shokudaikiri’s jaw lay agape as he watched the fresh raindrops stream down the side of Kasen’s blushing and beaming face. The cold water began to soak his black locks as the raindrops just got heavier and heavier with every passing moment. He tried to speak, but all he could manage were those shaky, wordless breaths as he stared into Kasen’s melting aqua eyes. Three years. After waiting for so long, something like this was just a fantasy, a hopeless dream. But now…

“Kasen!” The exploding warmth in his heart urged him to throw his arms around his lover and by the hips he lifted Kasen into his arms, spinning around in a circle as the rain pounded against their skin. Kasen huffed in surprise as he threw his hands to Shokudiakiri’s shoulders and let out a blissfully emotional laugh. He could not tell if it was because of the growing downpour, but he could see something drip from Shokudaikiri’s eye, and it just made his heart pound and he could not stop his smiles. Set back down on the ground, Shokudaikiri pulled him into a fervent kiss as the rain made their clothes heavy and plastered their soft locks to their heads.

“Kasen, I can’t believe it.” He said loud enough to compete with the heavy downpour. Shokudaikiri rubbed his palm against his soft cheek, and Kasen leaned into it affectionately. “Are you absolutely sure?”

He looked up to his lover and gave a heartfelt laugh that made the tears he was holding onto for the past week finally stream along with the rain. Shokudaikiri’s own euphoria was a reminder of how blessed this was. “Yes. I’m sure.”

They didn't care about the rain. They didn't care how wet their clothes were. All that mattered was that they were just given a second chance, and Shokudaikiri just pulled him into his warmth.

“I promise I’ll be careful, Kiri,” Kasen murmured into his chest. “I won’t mess it up this time.”

“That wasn’t your fault,” Shokudaikiri insisted as they held each other in the rain. “Let’s just focus on this, alright? Because this…” he pulled back and placed his hands on Kasen’s sides, “ This is wonderful.” Kasen’s hair was starting to fall into his eyes, so he took the moment to brush it back for him. “How long has it been?”

“I only found out last week. I… I had a strange feeling, so I decided to take the test and…” Kasen had to wipe his sleeve across his eyes to see him clearly. “I was so shocked it came back positive, I wanted to run out and tell you right away but… I wanted to announce it to you properly because…” he paused and squoze his hand. “Because I have a good feeling about this.”

He smiled. “I do too.” And he pulled Kasen back into his arms. “Hey,” he said abruptly, still yelling to have his voice reach over the pattering raindrops. “With your condition, you shouldn’t be out in the cold, wet rain.” And without any permission from Kasen, he swung him up into his arms, making him let out a playful scold. Bridal-style Shokudaikiri carried him back to the citadel as fast as he could manage as they continued to be pounded by the unrelenting rain. Even so, their gaiety was beyond controllable, which gave them many questioning glances as they came through the citadel doors. They were soaked and dripping water everywhere, but their smiles remained bright. Their fellow swords never got a straight answer for why they were in such a blissful state, so they were left to assume they were just in a casual lover’s state of happiness.

The pair hoped that one day they could share their happiness with the world too, but now wasn’t the time. So until then they would just relish in this just the two of them. Hopefully this would finally give them the future they always wanted.

Chapter Text

This was it. He was never going to see anything else but these dark, dim, paper walls that bore no more colors than neutral white and brown. He was going to stay in his room for the rest of his life. He didn’t want to go out. He didn’t want to see anything. He especially did not want to see anybody, ever again.

Or he could leave the citadel, ask Saniwa for a personal leave for training. Yes… That’s what he’ll do. People could come to his room and ask for him if he stayed here. But if he left in the night for an extended leave, no one would be able to ask him any questions. Then when he came back in a few months time no one would know the difference. No one would know how much he changed. This would remain a secret, his and his alone.

“Izuminokami,” a voice from beyond the shoji’s paper hummed, lingering on the last vowel of his name.

Izuminokami cursed to himself as he curled up deeper into the pile of blankets he huddled beneath in the center of his room. It was near evening and he didn’t even put his bed away yet. He was all dressed to go out for the warm and beautiful June day, but then… Then he wanted to hide away and pretend like he didn’t exist. Now Mutsunokami was going to barge in as he always did any try to shower him with affection and be all concerned about why he was in such a state. If it were any other day, under any other circumstance, he would have welcomed it. Just not today.

“Go away.”

He heard the door ajar, and he could picture Mutsunokami’s head peeking through the doorway, lips puckering as he spoke in that playful voice he always did when Izuminokami was sulking. “Daw… Is someone in a bad mood?”

Using sheer anger to drive him, Izuminokami sat straight up from beneath the piles of white and sent a pillow straight across the room, aiming for Mutsunokami’s caring gaze.  He hated it when he didn’t listen. “I said get out !”

Seeing the object fly towards him, Mutsunokami quickly shut the door to dodge the attack. As he got the door open again, Izuminokami was already back to his fortress of linen solitude.

“So, this is what I get for making the effort to spend the rest of my evening with you?” he said with a slight pout.

Izuminokami’s voice was muffled from beneath the piles of blankets. “I don’t want to see you right now, okay?”

Taking that as more of a queue to engage the situation, Mutsunokami came into the room, slid the door closed behind him, and started walking to the occupied futon. He hardly believed Izuminokami meant that. “C’mon… Tell me what’s wrong…”

“What’s wrong?” He mocked. “You wanna know what’s wrong? It’s you you son of a bitch!” Again, he chucked another pillow and quickly returned to his huddle. “Now get out.”

Now that was strange. Not the fact that he was spitting venom at him for the Uchigatana was known for his fiery temper, but because it was so out of the blue. Even Mutsunokami knew he really had to do something stupid for Izuminokami to curse at him like that, especially when they’ve been so happy the past few days. With Horikawa gone on a mission, Mutsunokami and Izuminokami have been spoiled with solitude. When Horikawa was around, it was difficult for Izuminokami to divide his time between his lover and life-long friend on top of the citadel obligations. So these previous two days were nice, and Izuminokami seemed quite happy, nonetheless at ease, just as much as Mutsunokami was. Now that was all on its side. What could he possibly have done to upset him so?

“Hey, Izuminokami,” Mutsunokami spoke with humility as he knelt beside Izuminokami’s rounded back. “If I did something wrong, tell me. I’m sorry for whatever I did… I didn’t mean to upset you or anything…”

Instead of the bitter ire, Izuminokami’s voice suddenly held a welling depression causing it to give a minor squeak as he finished the thought. “It’s a little too late for that.”

He knew Izuminokami, very well in fact, and he knew there was a difference between his hot-headedness and genuine melancholy. If he truly were furious about something he did, he would still be yelling at him, not sulking alone. It seemed like he really wanted to be angry when in fact he was fighting something real, something bigger than he could handle on his own. The last thing he wanted was for Izuminokami to let his pride deter him from seeking any help, especially from him. And he knew, deep down, Izuminokami did not want that either.

Mutsunokami went into a cross legged position and started rubbing his shoulder softly. “Do you really want me to leave?”

There was a long and thoughtful pause. “No…”

Now that his assumptions were proven correct, it was now deemed safe for him to get closer. Mutsunokami shuffled down to lie down next to his heavy-hearted lover so he could hold him close. He reached his arm over him and he placed his head on Izuminokami’s veiled shoulder. “Are you not feeling well?” he asked sincerely, thinking that as a possible reason for is irritated isolation.

“Sick to my stomach.”

Such a simple answer retained no need for further prying. They just laid there for minutes at a time and Izuminokami’s deep thinking was downright palpable.

“Um… Mutsu…” then he just gave a quick breath of defeat, quickly shutting himself up.

“Yes?”

“No…” he said instead. “Nevermind…”

“Are you sure?”

“Tsk… I don’t know… I-”

“You can tell me,” he said as sweetly as he could, starting to wrap his arm a bit tighter around his beloved’s tall and slim body. “I can hear the gears turning in your head. Just... say what’s on your mind.”

Then came another angry growl and Izuminokami threw off Mutsunokami’s arm and took the last pillow he had and started beating him with it. “Dammit this is all your fault!”

Thrown to his back he had no choice but to use his arms as protection from his lover’s attack. “Hey! Hey! Hey!” he called in between blows. “I don’t even know what I did!”

“Just-” and he stopped with his arms above his head in mid swing. With an exasperated sigh, he threw the pillow down into his own lap and dropped his head into his palms. “Gods I don’t understand anything anymore!”

He had to blink a few times to get the lingering vibrations of the plush impacts (which were harder than usual under Izuminokami’s muscles) and was utterly confused at his undisclosed frustration. For Izuminokami to really be so upset, it must be something big and he couldn’t waltz around the subject any longer. “What’s got you so upset?”

“You want to know why I’m upset?” he spat. “Fine.” From beneath the blanket Mutsunokami watched him grasp a small object. It made a tiny thump as it hit his chest. “ That ’s why I’m so upset.”

Mutsunokami grabbed the item and sat up. It was a white piece of plastic capped with blue at the end. It was not much bigger than the size of his palm, and it had a small screen in the center with blue lines down its face. He had never seen anything like it before. “What the Hell is this?”

“I… Well...You know how…” He took a moment again, trying to think of a better way to explain it. “You know Nichibotsune.”

“Mikazuki’s kid?”

He nodded.

Mutunokami’s eyes lit up right away, excited about thinking about the energetic little thing that was Kogitsunemaru and Mikazuki’s first-born son. “I love that little guy! Of course I know him! But, what does he have to do with this?”

He was not amused by Mutsunokami’s excitement. His eyes still held a deepness Mutsunokami had yet to understand. “Ever since he happened,” he said as he pointed to the object in Mutsunokami’s hand, “these things have been floating around the citadel.”

He stared back with blank confusion. He didn’t get it and it made Izuminokami’s rage burst through the roof, causing his cheeks to bear a heavy shade of red. “Dammit Mutsunokami! It means I’m pregnant and it’s all your fault!”

All of the air left the room. That bubbling optimism and glowing orange smiles became something serious, and something more muddled than it was before.

“Wait, what?”

Izuminokami’s heart sank. This was exactly the opposite of what he wanted to happen. If only Mutsunokami didn’t prod him, he could have been out of this place by the morning and this could have been his secret and his secret alone. It’s not like he didn’t trust Mutsunokami. Actually, there wasn’t anyone he trusted more (next to Horikawa, of course). It’s just, he wanted to figure things out first before having him involved because he knew he was going to lose his cool. At least blowing his lid let some of the steam escape and the red in his face faded to a shade of rose instead of cherry. This didn’t mean that he could look at the shock in Mutsunokami’s eyes, though. Instead, he stared to his lap, trying not to let Mutsunokami’s fumbling wreak his already unruly nerves. “What about ‘I’m pregnant’ do you not understand?” He reiterated.

“You… You mean… You… You are-”

“By the Gods are you an idiot,” he mumbled as he returned to lying down. He turned his back to Mutsunokami and just pulled the sheet up to his chin and around his shoulders. He didn’t want to see the look in his eyes, whether it was shock, fear, anger or even elation. This was just… He was just… He didn’t know… He just didn’t know… Honestly, he didn’t want to know.

Then this room was filled with laughter. Bright, pure and unadulterated laughter. Mutsunokami’s boisterous and overjoyed laughter. “Izuminokami! You know what this means?”

He curled further into himself. Unfortunately, he did know what this meant… That’s why he wanted to forget-

He was shaken as Mutsunokami’s feet hit the floor. He flipped up to see Mutsunokami standing tall with a blazing wide glow in his eyes. His smile reached across his whole face as he practically yelled, “I’m gonna be a dad! WE are going to be dads!”

“Mutsunokami, please,” Izuminokami begged, starting to feel a pulsing in his head from a forming headache, but nothing stopped Mutsunokami’s gaiety. He was practically bouncing off of the walls while chanting about being a dad. In the midst of his exuberance he flopped down again and made his lover sit up so he could wrap his arms around him. He was able to pull Izuminokami’s lips to his and just held him tight and continued to nuzzle into his neck.

“Izuminokami, were having a baby!”

“Gods, do you have to say it so many times?”

“What? Why is this so upsetting to you?” he stopped short as a thought popped into his head. “It is mine, right?”

“Hell, of course it is! Whose else would it be?”

“Then why were you so scared to tell me?” he said with a continuing adoring smile.

“Oh I don’t know. Maybe if we talked about this first? Maybe if we established this is something we want? Maybe if we were ready?”

“Alright. So let’s talk about it now.”

He gave another disgruntled groan. Mutsunokami was going on and on about how wonderful this was going to be and how much he loved him and how this was going to be the greatest thing to happen to them because “Look at Mikazuki and Souza” and how happy they are with their kids and now they can be that happy too and so on and so forth.

The flawless optimism only made his stomach turn more There was a long time to go before the whole parent thing happened. Sure, it was great Mutsunokami was so accepting of this, but he wasn’t going to have to go through the actual process. He remembered how bizarre and out of shape Mikazuki looked when he noticed the changes in his physique. It was he who noticed how wrong it looked. He remembered how irritable and fragile Mikazuki became and how idle he was and how much it upset him. He remembered Souza’s issues with both his own pregnancy and raising his child. He remembered everything and how much he did not want to go through that. He didn’t want everyone hovering over him. He didn’t want everyone to see him differently. He wasn’t ready for something like this.

What made it worse was that he wasn’t Mikazuki. Mikazuki was mature and so composed and so sure of everything. You could throw anything at him and he would neither jump or flinch. If anyone were meant to have kids it was him and Kogitsunemaru. Not him and Mutsunokami…

His stomach flipped. All of a sudden he felt a heat rising within in throat and he tried to break free from Musunokami’s loving embrace.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Mutsunokami pouted as he felt Izuminokami start to struggle.

“I feel sick…”

“Hey, don’t worry about a thing,” Mutsunokami happily assured with a tighter hold. “I’ll be here every-”

“No seriously, I’m going to be sick -” and he yanked himself from Mutsunokami’s arms and ran to the shoji. The door slid open franticly with a blaring thud and he dashed to the edge of the veranda. He made it just far enough so he could kneel over the edge right before he wretched everywhere.

Mutsunokami followed close behind and laid a supportive hand on his back. “Everything is going to be okay,” Mutsunokami said.

Something struck a nerve within Izuminokami. Mutsunokami now knew. It was now their secret; a secret between him and the chummiest and the loudest sword in the citadel. With full intention he took a long and menacing glare to the man who was leaning beside him and with a lingering and bitter growl, he said:

“Don’t you dare speak a word of this to anyone.”

Izuminokami’s eyes were shards of ice, ripping right through Mutsunokami’s soul. Not even he was foolish enough to fight him on something like this. For if he did, he certainly would not see the light of the next day. 

Chapter Text

The glint of the summer sun on polished metal shone bright into Izuminokami’s eyes. His sword, his life, and his whole existence was now destined to be nothing more than an idle keepsake that was meant to collect dust. The sword of the demon vice-commander of the Shinsengumi, Hijikata Toshizo, a prized and awesomely forged piece of metal was now destined to remain on the sidelines because he fell to the charm of Mutsunokami, or the sword wielded by Sakamoto Ryoma. You know, the man whose assassination was due to the Shinsengumi.

He looked down again to the sword he held upon his lap. He unsheathed it further, letting the rest of the blade kiss the light of the summer sun.

An item forged for the purpose of battle. He was given a body not to become a keepsake, but to be a warrior, to use his skill and knowledge to protect history. But what did he do except let his guard down and be burdened with Yoshiyuki’s kid in turn making him worth nothing more than rust? Never in a million years did he think he would be in the place that Mikazuki was, or even Souza for that matter. He was going to bring honor to his Master’s name and then…

When did everything change?

He looked up from the sword in his hands to the collection of wooden posts that stood sporadically in the enclosed area before him. He stood up from the veranda he sat upon and motioned towards one of the posts. He threw the sheath to the side and grasped the hilt of the sword. He balanced his anger and frustration into the body of the sword and thrusted the metal into the wood, emitting a loud and rewarding thwack. He pulled back and hit it again, and again, and again until the fury left his muscles.

Before he even felt partially satisfied, Mutsunokami was calling for him. He refused to depart from his determined focus. Even when he heard Mutsunokami come to the ledge he was sitting on formerly, he didn’t stop. He kept swinging the sword even when Mutsunokami raised his voice in utmost concern, questioning what he was doing. He continued with the flawless hits to the wooden bundle and only gave the decency to say he was “Practicing.”

He went to give the post another whack when a strong hand grasped his dominant arm, withholding him from completing the motion.

“Izuminokami, you can’t exert yourself like this in your condi-”

Izuminokami yanked his arm from his lover’s hold. “Don’t even say it.”

Despite his clear displeasure, Mutsunokami stood back with his hands on his hips, donning that characteristic grin of his. Izuminokami had to hold back his malice when he heard a laugh in Mutsunokami’s throat as he spoke.

“It’s been a whole week and you haven’t even accepted it yet?”

“No,” Izuminokami clarified, wiping the layers of sweat from his brow. “It’s only been a week. So before I notice anything different I’m going to move as much as I can.” He thrashed the sword before him again.

Mutsunokami chuckled. “Stubborn as usual.”

Izuminokami whipped around and shot spears from his angered gaze. “What?”

“Nothing, nothing,” he said with a wave of his hands. Then he snuck closer to Izuminokami and managed to wrap his arms around his torso, holding him close and all loving-like as an effort to cool his burning fury, not that it ever did much. At least it would stop him from moving so much.

“Don’t let this bother you so,” Mutsunokami hummed. “This is going to be wonderful, I promise.”

Izuminokami groaned. Sure, what he was saying was all well and good but it only made it clearer how much Mutsunokami didn’t understand what this all meant. It was clear and obvious that yes they were having a baby together, and yes that is something very special. But it was so much more than that, and it was in moments like these that it made him burn in frustration. It didn’t matter how many times Mutsunokami assured him how wonderful this was, whether it was a blessing or not there was still something that bothered him about it.

But with Mutsunokami’s arms around his waist, he lost all effort to fight and decided to just forget it for now.

They both just stood there as Mutsunokami nuzzled into Izuminokami's back. As the heat continued to blaze, the sound of footsteps became apparent. Someone else entered the training grounds and was calling for their attention.

“Excuse me, I hope I’m not interrupting something important.”

Both Izuminokami and Mutsunokami glanced to see Shokudaikiri with his sword at his hip. He too was dressed for the weather, in just a simple black V-neck and sweatpants. He threw the sword onto his shoulder and smiled to the couple. “I’ve actually been looking for you two.”

****

Kasen found himself with more time for writing these past few days. As the weather got hotter and much more unbearable, Shokudaikiri and Kasen got permission directly from Master for Kasen to be exempt from any sort of straining activities. And the Master -so far being the only other living person to be knowledgeable of their situation- agreed, at least for these more brutal summer days. He could still cook and fold laundry as he usually did, but everything else he was exempt from, which gave him many more hours to himself, with the exception of those hours he has to spend dealing with terrible morning sickness. Aside from that, there was no doubt he would take these moments to catch up on some poetry, both reading as well as writing.

Today he made an attempt at writing. He didn’t get very far for before he knew it, Shokudaikiri announced himself at the door and came in.

“I could have sworn you just left,” Kasen noted to his lover as he walked in. He had to take a deep breath for the quick wave of heat that came through the shoji as Shokudaikiri walked in was almost unbearable.

“It’s brutal out there today,” Shokudaikiri said rubbing his wrist across his forehead, addressing the sweat that remained from his time outside. “You made the right decision on staying inside today.”

“You went to the training grounds? Why didn’t you find someone else to spar with so you could at least stay inside?”

The shoji shut with a hard clack. “I still wanted to take advantage of the clear skies.”

“Then maybe you shouldn’t wear so much black when you go outside,” Kasen said in regard to the tight black tee shirt his lover wore, noticeably wet from working outside. “You know black holds onto the heat.”

Shokudaikiri smirked. “Maybe next time I should just forget the shirt altogether,” he cooed, going in to give Kasen a tender kiss on the forehead.

Kasen wasn’t so appreciative.

“Don’t kiss me when you’re all sweaty like that,” Kasen scolded as he felt Shokudaikiri’s watery lips drench his skin.

“Well then. Guess I’ll just head off to the showers without a kiss,” he pouted playfully as he wandered off back towards their shared wardrobe. “Oh. By the way,” he started again. “After dinner tonight I invited your brother and Yoshiyuki over for some tea.”

“Oh, Kiri,” Kasen laughed, as he once again picked up his brush and dipped it into the vial of ink that rested to his right. “The one day I finally get by without feeling sick, I now have to entertain my brother. You really want me to announce it, don’t you?”

“You’re saying it like you don’t,” he rallied back with a smile.

“It’s not that I don’t,” he divulged, pausing his writing. “I’m just… Nervous. That’s all.”

Shokudaikiri glanced over his shoulder to see Kasen’s face twisted in somber concern down at the blank canvas before him. Seeing this, he decided to forget what he was doing for the moment walk over and kneel down in front of Kasen. He took the brush from his hand, put it down softly and took his hands into his. Tenderly he said: “Where’s the Kasen that used to tell me every night before bed that he could not wait to pass the first trimester so he could finally tell everyone we were having a baby? Hm?”

Kasen didn’t have an answer. He turned his head to the side and still illustrated that sheepish hesitation.

“And you know what?” Shokudaikiri continued, leaning in such a way to reach Kasen’s gaze. “That Kasen not only passed the first trimester, he reached two weeks past it. We’ve kept this between us for fourteen weeks, Kasen. What better time to start telling people than now?” He took back one of his hands and tapped his lover’s stomach. “At least before people start figuring it out on their own.”

Kasen held onto Shokudaikiri’s gloved hand as he thought for a moment. Seeing that he wasn’t totally convinced, Shokudaikiri continued speaking.

“Tsuru is already giving me these strangely knowing glances, you know,” he noted with a playful smile. “Mikazuki too-”

“Oh, well Mikazuki always knows.”

“Even so, don’t you want to announce it before everyone figures it out? And besides, we can’t be scared of this. We’ve already passed that point of uncertainty.”

“Alright,” Kasen finally replied with a defeated sigh. “We’ll tell them tonight. But I’ll start it off when I feel it’s right.”

Shokudaikiri gave a tender smile back and agreed with Kasen’s bargain. He was pushing this a little bit, but Kasen needed to boost his confidence about this pregnancy. He understood his hesitation, of course, but he wanted him to feel better about it too, and announcing it would definitely help. So with his agreement,  he got back up and went to gather a change of clothes to bring to the bath.

“Does the first person we tell have to be Izuminokami?” Kasen complained as Shokudaikiri returned to his objective.

“You’re the one who said you wanted him to be the first to know because you said you regret never sharing with him the first time.”

“That was a while ago-”

Shokudaikiri threw his clothes over his forearm and kept his back to Kasen. “Excuses, excuses.”

“Oh go take your shower,” Kasen said with a wave of his hand, accepting that Shokudaikiri was not going to take no for an answer. He watched Shokudaikiri leave with a satisfied grin as he made his way to the bath, leaving him to his solitude yet again.

It took a few minutes, but soon he started to feel his own lips curling up ever so slightly. His heart started to pound a little bit faster and he had a tickle deep within his stomach.

Shokudaikiri was right. This is a little exciting.

This was something he wasn’t able to do the last time, and he partially regretted not telling his brother about any of it. But no matter now. That was three years ago. He could not let fear from the past ruin what he had now. He was going to tell them tonight, which meant he was finally going to share the presence of his child. With every second that passed he felt that fear drain and replenish with a fluttering happiness.

*****

The evening was passing by quite smoothly. The four met up at the mess hall that evening and they all went straight to Shokudaikiri and Kasen’s room as soon as all of the dishes were cleared. A handful of other swords had the responsibility of cleaning the dishes this evening, so it was no issue for them to leave once they ate.

Most of their time passed with idle chatter as Kasen prepared the tea. It was the kind of chatter that shared stories of what’s been going on when the others were not around and how their recent missions have been, not that there were many. It was really just a time to catch up because, in Izuminokami’s words, Kasen had been “missing in action” lately, both in the field and the citadel. Kasen merely replied with an excuse that went along the lines of taking advantage of some well needed rest. And things were left at that.

To both brothers’ surprise, the evening was wholly enjoyable. Sure, Kasen seemed a little preoccupied and Izuminokami seemed out of sorts, but Mutsunokami and Shokudaikiri didn’t seem to be bothered by it and were hitting it off quite nicely, causing the good mood to eventually rub off upon the brothers. Whatever was on each respective brother’s mind faded as the evening progressed. Remarkably, they even shared a few laughs.

Kasen had been flipping between nervous trepidation and excited apprehension throughout all of dinner and in seeing Izuminokami’s strange mood at the start of the evening, he considered postponing the announcement to some other day. But when the evening became one of laughter and gaiety as opposed to bitter awkward silences, it became the perfect evening to announce the child’s presence. He felt that once the tea was ready, that would be the perfect time to tell them.

“I’ve prepared the tea,” Kasen said as the conversation came to a lull. “Everyone wants some, yes?”

As expected, they all said yes, and being a proper host he served each of them. He hoped nobody would notice he didn’t serve himself any. He tried to remain nonchalant with his aversion to the heavy concentration of caffeine in the matcha. Hopefully no one noticed he was only drinking water, for what would he say if they mentioned something? Maybe he was just over analyzing things, but who could blame him? This was a big deal. This was a once in a lifetime opportunity… At least that’s how he felt. And sure maybe he and Izuminokami have had their differences in the past, but he was actually ready to share this with him. He was family after all. To share about his developing family with his brother… This was his niece or nephew he was carrying.

Shokudaikiri was right, who better to be the first receiver of their news than his own brother?

Even Mutsunokami’s presence was special. Kasen and Mutsunokami have been acquainted for a long time, much longer than he even knew Shokudaikiri. After all, they were two of the first swords to have been summoned to the citadel. At this point, they really could call each other family, especially with he and Izuminokami being romantically involved with one another.

Tonight was the night. He was going to do this.

For a moment he took a glance to his right, and there Shokudaikiri was, smiling and laughing with their guests. As if he could tell he was looking at him, Shokudaikiri placed his freehand on Kasen’s back, rubbing a bit until it migrated to his shoulder, and for the next few moments it stayed there, and finally he felt a burst of confidence in his chest. As soon as the next respite of talk came, Kasen cleared his throat and held tightly to the cool cup in his hands.

“So, I’ve actually been wanting to speak with you.”

He felt Shokudaikiri give him a quick glance. It only took him a moment to understand that now was the time. The grip on his shoulder got a little tighter and he shuffled a bit closer, comforting Kasen with a closer and unwavering presence.

Accepting his gestures, Kasen opened his mouth to speak.

“Everyone, I-”

Before he could get another word out, all of a sudden Izuminokami started coughing. Uncontrollably actually.

“Izumi you okay?” Mutsunokami asked frantically, quickly putting his cup down to pat his lover on the back, completely disregarding Kasen’s words.

It was nothing urgent, for Izuminokami was swatting any sort of assistance away. In between hacks he managed to say he just drank the tea too fast and that was all.

“Do you need water?” Mutsunokami spoke again.

“No,” he rasped. “I’m fine.”

As the coughing continued, Kasen’s boldness quickly faded. He was inwardly cursing himself for not saying anything sooner. But no matter, they still had a whole evening ahead of them. There was time.

“You want some of my water?” Kasen offered instinctually, thinking the water would aid him in his struggle.

Izuminokami just shook his head, then gave a quick inquisitive look to his brother as his eyes began watering. “Wait you didn't have any tea?”

Kasen felt his heart skip a beat. This was his chance. “Well, that’s actually what I wanted to talk ab-”

“Izuminokami! I thought I told you not to drink all of that!” Mutsunokami was staring down into the cup Izuminokami placed down as the whole fiasco began.

“What?” Izumi replied with this confused look of his own.

“I told you caffeine is bad for the b-”

“Mutsunokami, don't you even dare.”

Mutsunokami blinked once as he was shot down by Izuminokami. “What? I wasn’t going to say anything.”

“Oh yes you were,” he scolded. “When I distinctly told you to keep your mouth shut!”

Kasen and Shokudaikiri had no idea what just happened but all of a sudden Izuminokami and Mutsunokami were arguing. This vague argument succumbed Kasen to silence as Izuminokami accused Mutsunokami of gods know what and Mutsunokami was helplessly defending himself against the Kanesada wrath. Shokudaikiri felt bad for Kasen being unintentionally shot down by their tussle, so it was was left to him to put things back on track, for Kasen’s sake:

“Hey, hey, hey. Let’s just pause and take a breath, okay?”

Like children at the mercy of a scolding, Izuminokami and Mutsunokami went quiet and slumped where they sat, and there was only a moment of quiet before Izuminokami crossed his arms and mumbled, “this is beyond frustrating.”

“It’s only been a week,” Mutsunokami rallied.

“Quit saying that!”

“Hold up,” Shokudaikiri broke in again. “What happened last week?”

The two went quiet, and as Kasen observed all of this, he watched Mutsunokami give a slow and puppy-dog like stare to his brother. Izuminokami pouted by refusing any sort of eye-contact.

“Can we tell them?” Was all Mutsunokami said.

Kasen could see Izuminokami thinking, by the way he forced his lower lip out and looked to the side.

Before he could even sigh the word “fine,” Mutsunokami’s eyes shone like the autumn sun and he was grinning from ear to ear as he practically yelled: “We’re having a baby!”

Kasen barely felt the cup slip past his fingers until he heard the ceramic hit the floor and the cold water soaked into his hakama.

My brother… Is pregnant too?

Even Shokudaikiri’s grip on his shoulder loosened. Both of them were speechless. Neither of them could have predicted that they would simultaneously feel that strange drop of their hearts in one quick moment. Their faces were probably ridden with blatant shock seeing how Izuminokami seemed to curl into himself unconsciously, face reddened with an embarrassed looked on his face.

“I know,” Izuminokami mumbled. “This damn thing is a curse.”

A shiver went up Kasen’s spine.

Curse?

“Oh, don't talk like that!” Mutsunokami wailed. "How do you think that makes the baby feel?"

Shokudaikiri and Kasen now had no idea what to do or what to say, and they both knew the other was feeling the same thing. Never in their wildest dreams could they imagine this was how their evening would turn out. Izuminokami, having a child. With Mutsunokami no less! And what were the odds that their announcement came at the same time they planned theirs?

What are the odds their pregnancies would be so close together.

With no choice but to adjust to the situation, Shokudaikiri managed to stutter a sincere “Congratulations” to try to mask their surprise.

Then came an unbearable silence. It was so thick that the evening crickets outside the shoji were plainly audible. Kasen was in a haze, a state of shock he could barely comprehend. It took the cool and wet sensation in his hakama to bring him back to reality.

“Goodness I’m so sorry,” he said regarding his spill of water, shaking his head in the interim. He fumbled for a napkin and started to pat his lap, trying to dry up his spill. “How inelegant of me.”

“So,” Shokudaikiri started helplessly speaking again. “You must be pretty far along then.”

Izuminokami’s air made no improvements from before. “Damned if I knew. Can’t be too far. We only found out a week ago.”

Kasen froze again. “‘Damned if you knew?’” he echoed. “You mean, you may only be a month or so in?”

“Probably less than that," he stated with nonchalance. “Why the Hell does it even matter?” I’m having a baby and that’s it. It is what it is.”

In that moment, a spark set off deep in Kasen’s belly, igniting a hidden gasoline. The look his brother bore… That wasn’t embarrassment. It was agitation. There was no enjoyment or happiness in this moment. There was… Obligation. Frustration. Irritation. He didn’t find this to be a blessing, but an all out curse.

All of a sudden, the summer heat pounded on his face and his tongue grew sharp, and he began to condescend upon his pouting brother.

“One usually waits a little while before telling anybody.”

“What’s it to you?” he snapped back, familiar with his brother’s change in tone. He was never afraid to fight back.

“What’s it to me?” Kasen raised his voice. “Do you even know anything about this?”

Shokudaikiri tensed as he saw his lover and Izuminokami’s backs straighten. Could Mutsunokami see where this was headed? He wasn't sure. But he knew this wasn’t heading down a good path. “Kasen, this isn’t the time-”

Despite the effort, Izuminokami ranted over Shokudaikiri, aiming vocal daggers straight for Kasen. “Oh, like you do?”

“Do you even care?” Kasen yelled. “This is a big deal!”

“What’s got you so wound up all of a sudden?”

“Me? What about you? Pouting in the corner like a child-”

“Do you think this is easy for me?”

“I never said it was-”

“Then get off your high horse and stop criticizing me! You're not the one who just had to announce he’s pregnant!”

In one moment it didn’t feel like summer anymore. The room was filled with ice, a cold frigid air that shot right through his heart. Despite the frigid smack of his words, the fire remained burning. It raged within him and he had to do all he could to not release the fires of Hell upon his brother.

How dare he have the gall to say he didn’t understand. How dare he.

“I think it’s about time you left.”

Kasen saw Izuminokami flinch, undoubtedly shocked by his words. But he wasn’t upset. He was furious . “You’re kicking me out?”

“It’s my room, I can do whatever I please.”

Izuminokami let out an angry breath through his nose like a provoked bull. He didn’t fight. He just stood up and without a word he stormed out, sliding the shoji open so fast it seemed it would fly off the hinges or snap in half when it reached the end of the doorframe.

Mutsunokami was quick to follow Izuminokami. He too was shocked still throughout the whole thing, but as soon as his lover left he got himself up with this incredible look of guilt and confusion. Before he left, he gave a slight bow of apology, and ran right after his partner, calling for him.

Kasen was fast to get up himself. He remained in a state of silent ire as he fumbled about the room, slamming the door closed and straightening up the tea. It took a moment for Kasen to realize Shokudaikiri was standing too, right at the edge of the room. He was unmoving and utterly silent, waiting there with his arms crossed. Kasen could feel his eye on him, waiting for him to say something. It wasn’t until he put all of the tea stuff to the side when Kasen said, “What. You’re going to take his side?”

Shokudaikiri didn’t move an inch. “I’m not. But what reason was there for you to yell at him like that?”

Kasen stormed to their wardrobe, simultaneously yanking off his tasuki.

“Did you even hear a word he said?” Kasen spat as he threw open the wardrobe doors. “How… How he just said it like… Like this was just some sort of headache that was bothering him just a little too much for comfort. He spoke like it irritated him, like it would just be fine in a few days if he left it alone long enough.”

He threw the robe off of his shoulders, revealing his flushed-with-anger skin. Every motion embodied his frustration, and it was at the point of ridiculous.

“Your brother just told you he’s pregnant and you answered with kicking him out. You never even congratulated him. How do you think that makes him feel?”

“Did you even hear what he said?” Kasen whipped his head and yelled at his lover. “How can you say that after what we’ve been through? How long we’ve waited and tried and failed and now he comes waltzing in complaining about being blessed with a child! He should at least have the decency to wait the three months like we had to instead of just blurting it out there because he was feeling… feeling…”

It was very rare for Kasen to be at a loss of words. Instead he stopped his fumbling and just threw his evening robe over his shoulders, and Shokudaikiri took lead of the conversation again.

“Kasen, he’s young-”

“Age is no excuse for ignorance, especially idiocy.”

“Idiocy?” he echoed as he strolled a bit closer to Kasen. “Don’t you think you’re being a bit harsh?”

“Harsh? Harsh! He’s calling this a curse! Do you know how much of a slap in the face that is? He’s an insensitive little brat who doesn’t even care about m-”

“But Kasen. He doesn’t know.”

“Know what? How to be a considerate human being? What excuse does he have to say those things to me?”

“He doesn’t know about what happened, Kasen.”

There were very few people in the world who could deal with Kasen’s temper. Mitsutada’s cool demeanor, however, was perfect for cooling Kasen’s hot tongue. Shokudaikiri was almost a master at dealing with the Kanesada demeanor, as demonstrated by how Kasen’s spitfire was quickly stopped with a few select words.

“You never told him about before,” he continued. “So how do you expect him to sympathize with our situation when he isn’t aware of it in the first place, or how sensitive a subject it is for you? No matter what he truly feels, he doesn’t know not to talk about it because he is clueless about what it means to us. You can’t blame him for that.”

Shokudaikiri was right. He can't expect Izuminokami to understand. May it be Izuminokami’s relatively young age or his general difficulty with handling uncomfortable situations, he had his feelings. Kasen couldn’t expect him to reserve his feelings when he didn’t know they had to be reserved in the first place.

But for Kasen, there was no excuse for Izuminokami’s disrespect.

“I just expected him to be a decent human being. That’s all.”

“If that’s what you want, I’m sure he wants that too. So maybe you have to take a moment to understand where he’s coming from. He’s probably scared.”

“But I do understand!” he wailed. “I’m scared too! You know how scared I am about all of this and I… I don’t want to be selfish but… But…” He was slowing down. He took his hand and snuck it beneath the light grey kimono, caressing the area that very recently started feeling soft. “I was ready to tell them, Kiri. I really was. I was starting to be so happy about today… And then…”

His voice faded to nothing. The fire was finally extinguished, and Shokudaikiri knew that that was enough. There was no more need to talk about this. Kasen knew what he did and now the rest of this was up to him to fix it or address it how he saw fit. All that was left to do was comfort Kasen in his distress, so he just pulled him into his arms and began stroking the back of Kasen’s head.

“Alright. Calm down, love.”

“It hurt me,” he murmured into Shokudaikiri’s chest. “He really hurt me.”

“He was being a bit insensitive,” Shokudaikiri assured. “But that doesn’t mean you have to be.”

He was right. Kasen was acting just as immature as Izuminokami was. Just as Kasen was facing things with this pregnancy, Izuminokami had to be too. He should have seen it before.

Curse this Kanesada temper.

“Maybe you should talk to him about this,” Shokudaikiri suggested. “Not tonight, but maybe tomorrow. Get this all cleared up.”

“Tomorrow isn’t too soon?” Kasen asked innocently, regarding the fact that he was now likely the last person Izuminokami wanted to see.

“I think he needs his brother right now,” Shokudaikiri answered honestly.

Kasen felt so foolish for the way he acted. He knew he had to apologize to his brother. Whether his brother rightfully apologizes back, that’s another story. Either way, he will have to confront some of what Izuminokami said though, and he was absolutely dreading it. That conversation was going to be hard, but he had to. It just wasn’t fair to either of them.

“I’m going to have to tell him, aren’t I?” Kasen murmured.

“I think it would be for the best.”

As he went quiet, he felt Shokudaikiri’s lips press the top of his head. He hoped that things didn't have to come down to this, but at this point he didn’t give himself much of a choice. This was more than jealousy over Izuminokami taking his time of announcement; fate just decided now wasn't going to be the time to tell them about the baby. But it did say that they couldn’t bury their past any longer. Shokudaikiri offered to go with him, but Kasen refused.

He was the older brother. It was his responsibility to look out for him, not the other way around. He’ll do all that he can to fix this for Gods know they are both going to need as much support as they can get, especially with them going through the same thing at the same time. Then maybe they could put this whole situation behind them and look towards their future because despite what his brother may feel, this kind of future is a blessed one. Maybe somehow he could get his brother to understand that.

Chapter Text

Getting to have a heart to heart with Izuminokami was much easier said than done.

While on his hunt for his brother, Kasen was pleased to discover that Izuminokami wasn’t letting his pregnancy hold him back as he expected. He was sure he would have pulled the same thing Souza did in the early days of his pregnancy which was lock himself away in his room with no contact from anyone on the outside. To see Izuminokami still out and about as if nothing happened unknotted at least one nerve he bore since finding out about his condition. After all, it was nearly impossible to speak to Souza when he hid away, so speaking to Izuminokami shouldn’t be as hard.

Then again, Souza’s brother did not mouth him off at the most sensitive moment of his life.

Every time the Kanesadas’ paths crossed there were either enough people around for Izuminokami to be too “distracted” by them to give his brother the light of day, or he blatantly ignored him (which almost set him off every time). Kasen had to take a deep breath everytime his brother ignored him and remembered that it was his own fault that they were having this tiff. He would actually be surprised if his brother ever talked to him again. It really was a rotten thing for him to do and it put a pit of regret in his stomach each time he thought about it.

He really did mess up, big time.

And this anticipating conversation only drowned him in more nagging anxiety. So the fact that almost a whole week passed since that night wasn’t all Izuminokami’s fault. They were both just being way too difficult to get anything done so it was taking forever. But such was the Kanesada way.

Surprisingly, the lull came to a sudden end when Kasen happened upon his brother by chance.

Kasen was taking a walk around the citadel when he came upon Izuminokami again. As his own condition had been progressing, his back pain had been growing too. Since it was such a nice day with the Summer heat taking a bit of a break, as well as his own miserable mornings taking their own hiatus, Kasen took advantage of it to hopefully alleviate his growing pains. It’s not like he had much else to do anyway.

It was then by chance he went by Izuminokami’s room, the one he still shared with Horikawa. From afar he saw him at the edge of the veranda, leaving his legs hanging over the edge but lying back with his arms behind his head. It was obvious he was taking in the light of the day too considering how he rested in the sunlight. His eyes were closed but Kasen could tell he wasn’t sleeping. He could see the thought weighing upon his brow.

He shuffled over to Izuminokami’s side, standing tall beside him and looked over the grassy expanse before them. He glanced down to see if Izuminokami noticed his presence yet. Without so much as a glance, Kasen decided to lock him into conversation.

“It’s a beautiful day to sit outside isn’t it?”

Kasen didn’t have to look to know how Izuminokami opened one eye to see his brother standing over him. Then once again he closed his eyes and sighed a heavy, “I guess.”

Izuminokami was clearly annoyed by the situation, but Kasen had no choice. Without any permission from him, Kasen stepped off of the edge and sat himself down beside him. He didn’t wait a moment longer to start talking with him.

“Izuminokami, I need to talk to you about something.”

He kept his resting position and made no change in face. But his tone became a little sharper.

“About what?” he spat. “You want to give me another lecture on how everything I do is so irresponsible and wrong?”

Kasen shook his head. “No. That’s not why-”

“Then what is it then?” He said flicking his eyes open to look at his brother with disdain polluting his teal eyes. “What else could you say that isn’t a judgement on every move I make?”

Kasen couldn’t let his brother’s taunts set him off. It was hard to fight his own temper, but he had to. He had to remember why he was here and how Izuminokami was saying things he didn’t mean. So he took a deep breath and masked as much aggravation as he could.

He looked down to his brother and said, “I actually wanted to apologize.”

Izuminokami’s eyes suddenly went wide, and he sat straight up to look at the man beside him. He must have been surprised. After all, he always said earning a sincere apology like that from Kasen was just as rare as seeing Jiroutachi without sake in his hand. And Kasen couldn’t be any more sincere, and he was sure the hesitation in his own throat convinced Izuninokami to let him speak his mind as opposed to fight it like he started to before.

“There is something I haven’t told you,” Kasen said, turning his head to stare at the stones that rest beneath his sandaled feet. “At this point with everything that has happened, it is completely unfair to you that I haven’t, and I hope you can forgive me for that.”

Kasen could hear Izuminokami’s shock from his honest silence. For Kasen to just sink into this air of seriousness, this was something deeper, and Kasen could tell this was the stem of his shock. It was even more audible when it was broken with his name and three concerned words. “Kasen, what’s going on?”

He released a heavy sigh, deep from the pit that’s been growing in his stomach. For days he has been figuring out the right way to start and progress through what he had to tell his brother, not just for Izuminokami’s sake, but for his own. He never thought he would have to relive this again and the last thing he wanted to do was have his brother pity him for his weakness.

So he started at the beginning. The beginning was the best place to start.

“You remember when Nichibotsune was born, don’t you?”

Izuminokami tilted his head, clearly unaware of where the conversation was going. “I think we all remember that,” was all he said.

“As you know, that came as a shock to all of us. Despite how long we’ve been here and how long some of us have been in relationships for, for Mikazuki to all of a sudden start carrying a child, that changed a lot of things… Now, you weren’t in a relationship at the time, so that kind of news may have meant something else to you. But… It changed things for Shokudaikiri and I.”

Izuminokami was focused in on him, and was condemned by concentrated silence. Kasen knew he was showing his vulnerability… But that was okay. He needed to know...

“As you know,” he continued, still looking at his feet, “Mitsutada and I were already together for quite a while before Nichibotsune came along. So after the realization came that some of us could possibly bear children, Shokudaikiri and I spoke about it and we realized that was something we wanted.”

Izuminokami’s eyes went wide. “You guys wanted to have a baby?”

“Yes. I am sure that is an odd thing to hear.”

“Well… Yeah… I could never imagine you being…” The word seemed to stick in his mouth… “ Pregnant.”

Kasen couldn’t help but laugh and gave him a sidelong glance.  “Considering how you dealt with Mikazuki’s pregnancy, I wouldn’t be surprised.”

Izuminokami shot his head to the side trying to hide the embarrassment rouging on his face.

“Anyway,” Kasen went back to looking over the field before him. “We both went to speak with Master about it, and we were surprisingly given the green light. All we were asked to was prolong our efforts until the Munechika child was at least a year old, and at that point we were willing to do anything, even holding off from… each other for a whole year. So a year passed and we were ready to try. It was hard, but a whole year after we started…” A somber grin creeped upon his lips. “We were finally pregnant.”

Kasen could feel the uncomfort reverberating off of his brother’s shoulders, surely reconsidering his comment from moments before. Forget not being able to imagine him pregnant, knowing he actually was was a different story entirely.

“Never had we been so ready for anything in our lives.” Kasen continued, lingering on the swirling emotions welling within his chest. “We made sure we were prepared for everything ahead of time. Furniture, clothes, everything. But considering how hard it was for us to get there, we decided to keep the number of people we told to a few, and… That turned out to be a better decision.”

The blue-ink darkness was creeping into his mind again. The cold feeling was all too familiar, one Kasen has struggled fighting for these past few years. It was a monster that wouldn’t leave him alone, yet one that could not be destroyed by a weapon. No matter how long it went into hiding or no matter how long he could cage it, it stayed there until moments like this where it just pounced and made everything harder.

“A few months passed by,” flipped off his tongue, shutting his eyes to try and contain the darkness. “Thinking back on them, they seemed like such a short span of time, although living it felt anything but. As you progress, you’ll know what I mean.”

Kasen saw Izuminokami lost in his rambles.

“Apologies,” he said with a shake of his head. I didn’t mean to get carried away.”

“It’s okay,” he replied with a weakened throat.

Thrown back on track, Kasen started shuffling where he sat. He found that he was rubbing the fabric of his hakama between his fingers, one of his many nervous habits. At least it was less obvious than twirling his hair between his fingers. But realizing it actually made his stomach shake more.

“After some time,” he started again, “we were dispatched.”

“Dispatched?” Izuminokami gasped. “Wait, didn’t Master know… About you?”

He nodded. “It was just to scout an area for a future expedition. There was a possible attack on the province of my former master, Hosokawa Tadaoki. Master, knowing full well my condition, asked me to at least get a feel for the area before the actual units were sent in, considering I wouldn’t be able to join them in whatever battle they faced. It was the least I could do. The worst consequence would just be exhaustion from walking too much, but that was all. Kiri tried to convince me to stay back, but… I was stubborn. I should have stayed back when I had to have Shokudaikiri help me close my belt, but I said ‘I’ll be fine. We’re just exploring the area. I’ll be careful.’ So, we went.”

“You didn’t go alone?”

He shook his head. “Master sent me with Shokudaikiri and Yoshiyuki, and to be completely honest, things were going just fine.”

His voice trailed off. The cold kept him from speaking right away. Every word just got a little darker… “Little did we expect to be ambushed.”

Kasen could feel how still Izuminokami got. He refused to look at his brother because if he saw the look in Izuminokami’s eyes, he knew he wouldn’t be able to continue on. So he just told it like it was. The sooner he could finish the better.

“We stood our ground as long as we could,” he said with a surprising deadpan stare. “However, due to the surprise and scale of their attack, things got dire. They got to Mutsunokami first, knocking him out cold, leaving his body helpless on the ground. Shokudaikiri and I, we were separated. A demon managed to slice my leg open, making any sort of movement practically impossible. From afar I had to watch as Kiri squared off to an enemy much stronger than he. And…” he didn’t mean for his voice to quiver. “He was covered in so much blood.”

Izuminokami for sure felt a mirrored twinge in his stomach, for that feeling of helpless fear at losing someone close was all too familiar within the citadel. It was the one absolute bane that came from these strong relationships formed: you may have to watch your beloved shatter and you may not be able to do anything about it.

And now that they were starting to actually have families…

Izuminokami couldn’t even imagine watching Mutsunokami break in his condition now. He would have no idea what to do. And the way Kasen explained it only made it more real, and more upsetting; it was the disturbing calmness in his form that Izuminokami watched so carefully, and how the only cracks into his burning despair was in his far off stare and the slight trembles in his voice.

“I watched the enemy lift it’s blade, and I knew if he swung down, he would be gone. The idea that I may have to raise a child on my own didn’t even occur to me at the time, but I had to do something. If my leg wasn’t so damaged, I would have intercepted the attack. My only option came when I eyed Mutsunokami’s abandoned pistol which was a body’s length away from where I stood. I don’t know what I was thinking, but… Instinct just took over and I…”

He took a moment to compose his thoughts. The memory came flooding back at a pace he was not prepared for, drowning him like a blinding flash of blacklight. The urgency, the decision, and the vibrating impact of his body to the ground.

“I threw myself down,” Kasen said before the memory took him. “I stretched across the ground to grab the weapon and shot it straight at the monster. I cannot recall what class it was, but I shot it as many times as I could. Once it stopped firing, it faded into mist and Shokudaikiri was safe.”

“When you say you threw yourself down, you mean…”

“Face first.”

And all of a sudden Izuminokami was quiet again.

“Kiri limped over as soon as he could manage with his injuries. He knew exactly what I did and asked me what I was doing knowing full well how dangerous something like that was. But I insisted I was fine. ‘I’m fine, Kiri. I’m fine. Worry about you. Worry about yourself. Something like this can’t end so fast.’ And then another month or so passed, and there didn’t seem to be any repercussions from my choices except some temporary pain in my belly. But it was gone soon after and we put that day behind us.”

“So… The baby was okay?” he murmured with a drip of fear.

“We thought so. But after two months, we realized something was wrong. We weren’t sure what it was, but I was at five months and I didn’t grow as much as I should have. So we went to Yagen and…” He started slipping into the black. “He told us that…”

For once, Kasen couldn’t find the right words to say it.

“He… Couldn’t find a heartbeat.”

Izuminokami’s eyes widened  and his brows tightened in sympathy. “You… Miscarried ?”

“He couldn’t tell what actually caused it, whether it be my rash actions or something else entirely. Nevertheless, it wasn’t long after that Yagen gave me medication to... persuade my body to deliver it sooner rather than later. And… That was that.”

He tried ending the conversation as soon as he could, but it was in that moment of thick silence that the air’s heaviness was readily felt, and it was oppressive. Kasen hoped Izuminokami would say something, something to take him from his own darkening thoughts, but he was struck silent. Kasen more than understood. He hated to relive that time in his life. Everything about it brought him suffering, and he expected it to do the same to Izuminokami.

The failing efforts and even the momentary joy they had was hard to recall. Him trying to deliver a child whose soul was long gone, and just holding Kiri’s hand as he fell apart didn’t make anything better. And even the succeeding days after. It wasn’t until a little time before now that things looked like they were finally going to be okay again. After all, they had their second chance. The new life could never replace the lost one, but Shokudaikiri and Kasen at least found again that happiness they lost. And now he finally didn’t have to keep secrets anymore. But he felt bad to see the sullen stare Izuminokami gave to his own lap.

“Kasen, I… I don’t know what to say…”

“You don’t have to say anything,” he said in response, his tone changing a little with the subject altering a bit. “I shouldn’t have kept this a secret from you for so long, but… It’s just hard to talk about. I never meant this secret to be an attack on you.”

“I... didn’t take it that way.” There was a momentary pause. “Was I the only one who didn’t know?”

“We only told Saniwa, Yagen, Souza, Nikkari, Hachisuka, and Tsurumaru.”

His face was plagued by a self-hating grimace. Undoubtedly he was cursing himself for being so cold around his brother when he was going through so much. “Dammit, I’m such an idiot-”

“That’s not why I told you this,” Kasen said with a soft touch.“The reason I tell you this now is because when you told us about your situation and called it a curse, I took it a little more personally than I should have. To see someone who had something I’ve wanted for so long to come so easy him, I was taken aback by it and I expected you to understand a situation you were unaware about. That was completely unfair to you.”

“No… I… I should have-”

“There is no ‘should have,’” Kasen assured. “I just wanted you to understand where my sensitivities came from, and how my anger really shouldn’t have been towards you, and I am so sorry that it was.”

“No, please. I-” Izuminokami ran a hand threw his long bangs, and when words could not be found he instead gave a defeated sigh. “I can’t even imagine…”

Kasen twisted to face his brother who was slouching in aggravation on the edge of the veranda. He knew they were both facing the same emotional wall. It was so much easier to yell and bicker with each other and say things they didn’t mean. After all, that’s how most things went between them. They clashed together on practically everything, so when a moment came when they spoke with sensitive words and delicate subjects, it was actually more difficult than any other conversation they could ever have. Then again, something like this wasn’t supposed to be easy anyway. Kasen knew that coming into this. He knew he rarely gifted his brother with sentimentality and it would be odd if Izuminokami wasn’t thrown by it.

Izuminokami still refused eye contact. Kasen took it upon himself to take his hands into his own, and it was then the eyes that marked their brotherhood met, and it was time to finish what he started.

“Izuminokami, what you’re going through is something very special. And, please don’t let anything I say or anyone else ruin that for you. I understand that it can be scary-”

“I’m not… Scared,” he lied.

Kasen sighed, tilting his head to the side for a moment. He pulled himself back on track, trying not to lose what he had going. “Fine. Well, I was scared. Having a baby is a big deal, and it certainly isn’t easy. But you can’t let things like that cloud your vision to see the good in things.”

Then something surprised him. For a moment, Izuminokami looked at him with a deep questioning, and it looked like he was going to speak back to him, like he had something to say. However, he quickly stopped himself as soon as he started. He threw his head to the side, taking his hands back and folding them across his chest and said, “No… It’s stupid.”

“Whatever you’re feeling is anything but stupid. What were you going to say?”

“Just…Forget it, alright?” he snapped with a little more fire than Kasen would have liked on a normal day.

“Don’t worry about sparing my feelings,” he responded, ignoring his sharp tone. “You are still entitled to yours. The last thing I want you to do is hold back because of my past. So why don’t you tell me what’s on your mind? Maybe I can help you.”

He was hesitant before speaking. Izuminokami was one who never really had to or really wanted to express his heavy feelings, especially with his brother. Despite his staggering self-confidence, he was still fearful of vulnerability, and Kasen too understood that more than he was willing to admit. Kasen was just thankful he could successfully piece together his brother’s broken and ramble phrases because it was within his seemingly broken thoughts that answered some of Kasen’s own questions about Izuminokami’s mindset.

“It’s just… I’m listening to you, I am. And, I want to be excited for this because, I know… I know things like this are supposed to bring two people together, like it did for Mikazuki and Kogitsunemaru and Nikkari and Souza. But I just think… I think I’m afraid it won’t be the same for Mutsunokami and myself.”

“What makes you say that?” Kasen pried, making an effort to catch his brother’s averted eyes. “Mutsunokami seemed more than thrilled when you told us.”

“I know, but…” Izuminokami’s gaze was pushed away further. “I don’t think he understands.”

“Understands? You mean the responsibility?”

“That, and what this really means. Like…” For a moment Izuminokami looked down at himself, and curled into his self consciousness, which was something Kasen could never dream of him ever having. “Personally, I don’t feel any different, I don’t look any different. I can still do everything I’ve been able to before, but… I know that’s not going to last.”

“Well, of course it’s not,” he agreed. “And he knows that. He has to. No matter how many times you like to call him one, he certainly is no imbecile.”

Izuminokami didn’t take to his subtle humor. “I know,” he said again, annoyed at himself for having to say it so many times. “But, when he sees what I’m going to become… Do you think…” and he stopped, making Kasen push him further.

“Do I think what?”

“Do you think…” he saw his lip twitch before he shut his eyes tight. “Do you think he’ll still love me?”

Now that was a phrase Kasen did not expect to be the source of Izuminokami’s distress.

“Will he still love you? That’s what this is about?” His smirk was uncontrolled. “Izuminokami, that man loves you. Have you ever seen the way he looks at you? How much he wants to be with you? I’m surprised you would even have a lick of doubt about his loyalty and love for you.”

“But that is what worries me, Kasen. I don’t know if he loves me in the way that you all love each other. Through thick and thin, you know? I get he ‘adores me,’ but, I feel like he could be blinded by it… I don’t know… Maybe it’s stupid but he may be alright with everything now and the idea of having a baby, but what about when I start to really change? What if I shock him as much as Mikazuki shocked me? What if this splits us apart more than pull us together? I don’t know know I just…” And he sunk back into his frustration.

For a moment he felt regret for finding amusement at his brother’s concerns because they were not as far fetched as Izuminokami apparently felt they were (especially since emotions run high at times like this). He also knew Izuminokami was not entirely comfortable with this from the getgo, but he didn’t even think about how concerned he would be about his relationship with Mutsunokami because of this. Sure, when they first announced that they were together, this kind of concern would be expected. But considering how long they have lasted and how much they grew to care about each other, Kasen would now be surprised if they did separate, especially on Mutsunokami’s end. Then again, they were not really together long enough to be tested as much as, say, he and Shokudaikiri have. So when Izuminokami said that this should “bring them together,” Kasen could see the level of his brother’s ignorance, or at least blindness to what he surely already knew.

Taking all if that into consideration, Kasen took a deep breath as a moment to think over his thoughts before he spoke again. He wanted to be as honest as possible, but also wanted to make sure the truth would not hurt more than it had to. So he started slow.

“Why do you say we are, in your words, ‘perfect?’”

“Well… Look at you,” he said in earnest. “Rarely an argument out of you and you two just… seem right for each other.”

“And what makes you and Yoshiyuki so different?”

His sheepishness increased tenfold. “We just… We just are…”

“Alright, Izuminokami. I’m going to be completely honest with you. I am flattered that you think we are perfect, but that couldn’t be more skewed from the truth.”

“Oh please,” he responded with a roll of his eyes, undoubtedly believing he was just trying to make him feel better.

“It’s true. We are anything but perfect, especially when it comes to this whole subject with children. I don’t know where you got this idea that it automatically brings two people together, but Kiri and I still have had our issues especially after the miscarriage. I don’t know if you remember but we had to separate for a time because I was too absorbed in my own despair to see Shokudaikiri’s suffering.”

“That’s what that was about?”

Kasen gave a single nod. “Even Kogitsunemaru and Mikazuki, the ‘prodigal couple’ of this citadel. You were there for their little disagreement in the mess hall where Mikazuki had Kogitsune at sword point. Even the perfect couple has their own flaws, and it is only natural. Love isn’t perfect. It never is. The first step is to accept that, and that you are no exception.”

“So you think this is going to be an issue?” he responded with a saddened look in his eye.

“What I’m telling you is that it will be hard, but when you love someone enough you will pull through it, just as we all have. And I sincerely believe that Mutsunokami Yoshiyuki loves you enough to do just that. You just have to be willing.”

He was silent, and Kasen realized something he didn’t see before. It was hard to see that maybe, just maybe Izuminokami really didn't want this. It was hard to accept and the whole reason he snapped at him the other night. However, it wasn’t his place to judge anymore. He was going to let his silence slide as a simple excuse of being overwhelmed until Izuminokami confronted him with it as something different. All he could do was help with what little material his brother willfully gave to him.

“But if in the rare occasion that I am wrong, I know that I love you.”

That got a response faster than he could finish his phrase. Just as Kasen was shocked to hear the word out of Izuminokami’s mouth, Izuminokami was beyond speechless when it came out of Kasen’s, especially in regards to him.

“So even if Mutsunokami doesn’t provide the support you need,” Kasen continued, “you know I will still be there for whatever you need. And you always have Shokudaikiri too, and Horikawa without a doubt will be there for you. But please know, even though I can be self absorbed in myself more often than not, and no matter what we’ve been through, that doesn’t mean I care any less about you… Even if you do piss me off sometimes.”

That finally got a chuckle out of Izuminokami. Although Kasen’s word choice was always on the finer side as it was before, whenever he used anything close to profanity it always sounded odd enough to make him laugh. It was those small moments that Izuminokami actually felt close to his brother, and for the first time in a long time he felt comfortable within his own skin.

“Why do you have to be so damn well-spoken all the time?”

Kasen took his arm closest to his brother and pulled him close, forcing him to lay his head upon his shoulder, pleasingly without any resistance.

“That is just who I am.”

Something felt warmer. The two sat side by side in the warming sunlight of summer, and despite the heaviness their previous words bore, it opened a door they were both too proud to unlock before. And no, Izuminokami didn’t exactly say thank you. However, there was a certain air about him that told Kasen he appreciated it, and that was all he needed. He knew his silence was a symptom of his own hotheaded pride, but it was that in itself that told Kasen he would have felt it without saying it.

Unexpectedly though, what Izuminokami said next meant more than any sort of thanks he could have received.

“Hey, Kasen?”

He merely hummed in response, not thinking much of the softness that hovered up from the head upon his shoulder.

“I… I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

The intonation was so delicate, and it was the fragility in the usual strong and proud presence that softened Kasen’s heart. He had no idea how meaningful something like that could have been.

It’s been a long time since Izuminokami caused his lips to be touched by such a special smile.

“It’s alright,” he assured with a rub of his shoulder, and he felt his heart thump against his chest. He realized there was still something left to say and this was the perfect time to say it. “You will have your chance again.”

Kasen waited a moment to see if his line caught. He didn’t get anything right away, but after a few moments of silence, Izuminokami took from his hold and sat up straight again like a shot arrow, and looked at his brother’s far off gaze.

“What?”

“There is actually one more thing I have to tell you: there was another reason as to why your announcement the other night pinched a nerve with me.” Kasen looked down at his lap with a smile before looking back at Izuminokami’s shocked stare. “The fact that you decided to announce your pregnancy the night I was might have added fuel to the fire.”

A blank stare. Then it looked like he short circuited for a second and he should have seen smoke rising from his head.

“Are you serious?”

“You seem surprised,” he decided to play.

“Wh… Well yeah. So… What you’re saying is-”

“The number of Kanesadas in this citadel is doubling much faster than either of us expected.”

He turned again to look over the citadel’s field. “Well this is going to be interesting.”

“Forget support for us, imagine the Hell we’re going to put those two through.”

Izuminokami laughed. “Goodness, you’re right. Two more of us.”

“Well I’m hoping my child will take after me and still be the most mature of the the two.”

Izuminokami threw himself back onto the veranda, closing his eyes again and returning to his mid day siesta.

“You’re lucky I’m too tired to fight you on that.”

“You think you could win?” Kasen rallied back.

“You want to spar for it?”

“Remember our conditions, Izumi. No sparring challenges for a long time.”

He raised and waved his hand at his brother, clearly trying to brush off his mistake. “Yeah, yeah. I know. It was a joke.”

I like that you think I believe that, Kasen mused to himself.

“Actually I wanted to offer,” Kasen spoke again. “With such little to do around the citadel, I’ve been doing meditation and breathing exercises with Juzumaru. You should come and join me one time.”

“What’s that for, your anger?” He sneered.

“Okay, don’t push your luck,” he asserted back. “And no, it’s not for any anger. It’s preparation. He doesn’t know that’s what it is for but-”

Izuminokami opened the eye closest to Kasen. “‘Preparation?’”

Kasen sighed. He decided now this conversation was over for he refused to let his brother’s ignorance aggravate him further.

“Oh do we have a multitude of things to talk about.”

He got up from his seat and continued his walk instead of giving Izuminokami a lecture on preparing to have a baby. He was still early on and his back pain was starting to act up again anyway so the education could wait until another time.

“Hey, tell me what you meant!” Izuminokami yelled back to his brother to get an answer.

Kasen was already walking away on the veranda as he called back, “You do know you’re going to have to birth the child, don’t you?”

Izuminokami shot up from his seat and started fumbling after him. “Hey! Don’t say it so loud!”

Kasen was amused at how quick he was to get him flustered. “Goodness, this is going to make it so easy to tease you.”

And things finally went back into place. Kasen was happy to see that this didn’t really change anything between them considering the seriousness of what just transpired. But honestly, being back to where they were before should make this a whole lot easier in the long run, especially with the barrier of secrets being broken down. At least they now had a strong footing with being conscious of what each other thought, or at least a minor understanding of it. So for now they could go back, just until it got too hard to do so.

But... That was unlikely. This path no matter how clear from walls and secrets it could be, these next few months were already destined to be interesting ones because after all, they were still brothers. They were two brothers who were both too stubborn to change their ways even though life was begging them to do so. But that was just the Kanesada way. No matter the past, no matter the future, they were still brothers and they always will be, even as they were both destined to be both fathers and uncles.

Chapter Text

Shokudaikiri could not stand the fact that there was nothing else he could do to help Kasen. He already tried everything that was in his power: he formulated every kind of meal he could. He tried to dim the oppressing lights of outside. He even accumulated a number of scents he felt could please Kasen’s delicate senses but… Nothing. Absolutely nothing eased the sickness Kasen faced this morning. The warm broth he meticulously put together only irritated his senses more. The unearthly amount of varied applications of ginger were practically useless, and even the sprig of rosemary that usually brought bliss only did the opposite, launching him into another painful fit of vomiting. Gods Shokudaikiri at least hoped something would have worked just a little bit. Unfortunately, such was not the case. At this point all he could do was hold Kasen to his breast and rock him side to side and brush his hair back when his nausea reached an overwhelming peak which was, at this point, at a third tally in the past handful of hours. He was miserable. Absolutely miserable. So miserable he could even feel the heat pulsing under his skin.

Shokudaikiri eyed whatever light was coming through the shoji. For sure breakfast was already far over, nearing the time for him to start his assigned duties for the day. It actually was probably past his time, making him uncharacteristically late which, in his position, was not a good thing. However, that wasn’t what truly concerned him.

“Kasen?” Shokudaikiri murmured quiet enough not to break the quiet their room began to harbor.

It wasn’t touched any further, particularly by a response from whom he hugged close. After the past few hours they had, he knew Kasen would do anything to refrain from opening his mouth, afraid of what could potentially spew out of it.

“You haven’t eaten anything today.”

Kasen groaned into Mitsutada’s chest. “Oh Gods. Don’t even say the word.”

“I know it’s hard. But, if you don't eat it could be dangerous-”

“I know, I know,” Kasen snapped back. “Gods I know but I just can’t .”

“Okay, okay,” Kiri hummed as he heard the distress rising in Kasen’s weakened throat. And with that he returned to caressing the back of his head, ending the conversation then and there. It was shortly thereafter Kasen realized his quick tempered snap and he felt the need to apologize.

“I’m sorry. This is just...unbearable…”

Shokudaikiri kissed the top of his head, so soft he almost didn’t feel it. “I know.”

“It just… It wasn’t this bad the last time…”

Shokudaikiri had nothing else to give but a sigh of sympathy because he knew full well this intensity of sickness was new. He was sick with the last baby, of course, and it wasn’t like he avoided morning sickness with this one. But the fact that it was still so bad at this point in his pregnancy was no less concerning and heartbreaking. It made him question why the creators of the human body, whoever that may be, made only one half suffer and bear everything when trying to develop a family. Shokudaikiri would do anything to alleviate Kasen’s burden, even if it would be taking on this sickness himself.

If only such things were possible.

Also, having to see Kasen of all Danshi in such a lowly state was just awful. Not that any other sword’s suffering would be any easier to watch, but Kasen was exceptionally proud and very conscious of the way he presents himself. Seeing him so tall and proud one day and then distressed and weak the next was a tragedy, especially when this process was so valuable to him. If anyone deserved one of those legendary, beautiful, and easy-riding pregnancies, it was Kasen. But it wasn’t like that. Not in the least. And there was nothing Shokudaikiri could do. They just remained in their warm futon as they had since Kasen first awoke two and a half hours ago: both left in their sleeping robes and Kasen just folded over to rest on his lover’s chest, willfully accepting what little yet meaningful help his love could give.

It wouldn’t be for another few minutes or so until Kasen finally sat up on his own. They didn't say much to each other in that span of time except for a few inquiries from Shokudaikiri regarding how he was doing and if there was anything he could do. Every time Kasen just shook his head, letting his flattening curls sway and his sunken eyes get heavier and more burdened with the sickness as the seconds passed. It wasn’t long until Kasen just slouched over, burying his head into his palm, telling Shokudaikiri he was now suffering a splitting headache. It was understandable for someone who vomited thrice in one day without any sort of sustenance to either re-hydrate him or give him any sort of energy to prevent said headache.

From his slump Kasen was able to ask for some water, and after further persuasion from his lover, he finally agreed to eat something. All Shokudaikiri had left in his bag or tricks were some plain crackers, and Kasen was glad enough to take them. Despite the terrible state he was in, he was deathly hungry. But he went slow, taking one at a time, eating them delicately enough as to not upset his stomach so. And Shokudaikiri just sat with him, rubbing a hand on his back. And as a thanks Kasen was able to give him a half-hearted smile.

“I feel so bad,” Shokudaikiri murmured in their solitude.

“For me?” Kasen asked, voice still weak from the day’s events. “Look, I could go on ‘blaming you’ for all of this, but I want this just as much as you do. It’s not so much your fault as it is both of ours.”

“Having a baby really shouldn’t be so hard.”

That at least got a laugh out of Kasen. “I couldn’t agree more.”

Both of their attentions were soon taken by a shadow outside their shoji which came accompanied by a familiar knock. Shokudaikiri knew someone finally recognized his lateness and he hoped Kasen would think nothing of it. If he knew Shokudaikiri was slacking on tasks because of him, he would never let himself live that down. So without making too much fuss over the situation, he asked Kasen to excuse him for a moment as he got up to answer the shoji.

Before he even looked outside the door, he knew it to be Tsurumaru. Although the crane surely became something close to family with Kasen now, Shokudaikiri still wished to grant Kasen whatever dignity he had remaining through some privacy. So instead of inviting Tsurumaru in or even just opening the shoji, he slunk out of their quarters and slid the door closed behind him, preventing Tsurumaru from getting even the slightest glance of Kasen.

Just as anticipated, there Tsurumaru was with his hands on his hips waiting for someone to answer.

“So this is where you and Kasen have been hiding,” he said with his playful tongue, overlooking Shokudaikiri from top to bottom. It was no doubt he believed his uncharacteristic tardiness as a sign of a very… pleasurable morning.

“Look, Tsuru,” Shokudaikiri said as he crossed his arms, sighing with a hint of regret. “I’m sorry I’m… running late this morning.”

“That’s very unlike you,” he said with more concern as opposed to disappointment. “Same for Kasen too. You were expected to be at fieldwork fifteen minutes ago and no one has heard of you today. Since I had nothing better to do they asked me to hunt you down and get word on what’s going on.” Tsuru looked right at him, waiting for an explanation. “So?”

It wouldn’t have been hard for Shokudaikiri to tell Tsurumaru the truth. The only issue with this particular problem was that Kasen had yet to give him permission to share about their impending situation just yet. On Shokudaikiri’s side, he would want Tsurumaru to be the first he told. But the time for that had not come, so he had to keep the explanation as vague as possible.

“Kasen woke up feeling very sick,” he said. “And he’s… Gotten sick quite a few times this morning alone.”

Tsurumaru’s eyes widened. “You mean-”

“He can't keep anything down.”

With that, Tsurumaru’s jovial nature hardened into that of a concerned friend, speaking in serious lines instead of playful sniggers. “And this just happened all of a sudden?”

“Well,” Shokudaikiri said with a tilt of his head and a glance in the other direction. “He’s been nauseous every so often but today… It’s the worst it’s been.”

Tsurumaru’s right hand moved from his hip to the back of his head as he gave his own sigh of dismay at the news that one of his fellow Danshi was so sick.

“Man, I’m so sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do?”

Such a sweet temptation, Shokudaikiri thought, one he felt very guilty to take. He knew Tsurumaru wouldn’t say no, and he knew he truly would be happy to aid him in this uncontrollable circumstance. Shokudaikiri did consider just saying “No thank you” and leaving it at that, but the thought of leaving Kasen alone while suffering so seemed even more unbearable than asking his close pal for one-day’s favor.

“Actually, do you think you could cover my fieldwork today?”

“Well, sure,” he answered with little hesitation. “If it’s seriously that bad-”

Then as if on cue there was a gruff voice of agony followed by the sound of barely digested contents and once refreshing fluids making a new home in a bucket. It was one he had become way too familiar with in the past few hours. Apparently the crackers and water didn’t want to sustain him either.

“I see,” Tsuru said with his eyes on the paper doors. “The poor guy.”

“He’s absolutely miserable,” he confided, unconsciously gazing to his feet with a sullen look in his eye. “And for as long as he’s like this, I really don't want to leave him alone.”

“Don’t worry about a thing,” Tsurumaru added with placing a warm hand on Shokudaikiri’s shoulder. “I’ll take care of your fieldwork today as long as you promise to take care of your poet.”

With that, Mitsutada was able to look up and give his friend a look of unending gratitude for what he has done for him today.

“Thank you, Tsuru.”

“Don't even mention it,” he replied with a shrug, returning to his usual, charmingly playful self. Then as he turned away to walk down the veranda from where he surely came from, he threw his arms behind his head and strolled away whistling something Mitsutada didn't recognize. For a moment he stopped and just turned his head enough to look back at him. “But when I’m done, Kasen better be right back up on his heels ready to correct everyone in this citadel on what ‘elegance’ really means. You hear me... Mister Dad ?”

The deliberate edge on the last two words of Tsuru’s phrase surely was meant to surprise him. But instead, it just made him laugh.

Maybe he should have been more vague. It’s just as he told Kasen a few weeks ago: if they wait to long, people are going to start figuring it out on their own. And he knew nothing could go past Tsurumaru Kuninaga.

At least he was able to have a slight smile when returning the the inner sanctions of the room he shared with Kasen, but Kasen’s state was quick to erase that away.

Kasen was right where he left him, except now leaning over himself in a more intense arch, holding his forehead in his hand, bearing deep breaths, turning his head away from the bucket that sat beside him. That was the fourth time this morning.

This seemed to be more than just morning sickness. This was more like morning disease.

“So much for trying to eat,” Shokudaikiri commented as he walked to Kasen’s side.

Kasen didn’t respond. With no more to say, Shokudaikiri retrieved the bucket so he could properly dispose of its contents in case Kasen were to need it again. After he left, took care of it and came back, he went back down beside Kasen on their futon, returning to their precious silence.

“I so hope my brother doesn’t have to go through this…” Kasen lamented, breaking the fragile silence.

That struck that little selfish twinge now incubating in Shokudaikiri’s heart, the one that envied those who bore children much smoother than his lover did. It was so out of the blue and oddly selfless considering the horrible day he faced. It actually touched a nerve that Kasen wasn’t taking the time to be a little selfish about his pains.

“With all do respect,” Shokudaikiri said. “I just wish you didn’t have to go through this.”

“But…at least I can bear through it,” he breathed. “It’s vexatious, yes. But… Izuminokami… It would only make things worse for him.”

Then Shokudaikiri started getting playful. “Kasen? Are you exhibiting sentimentality for your ‘obnoxiously ignorant’ younger brother?”

“Shokudaikiri Mitsutada... Are you insinuating that I don’t care about my brother?”

“I didn’t say it,” Shokudaikiri murmured beneath his smirk, which gifted him with a roll of the eyes from Kasen. In his state it was the only fight-back he had energy enough to give.

Then Kasen started leaning back from his hunch, releasing a well deserved sigh. His right arm became a support behind him as he tossed his curls back and off from his warming forehead, and his left cradled the softening mass beneath his robe.

“You see,” Kasen started, closing his eyes in a quiet meditation. “I can handle this.”

“This?” Mitsutada echoed, prompting Kasen to explain further.

Kasen slowly spread his dark eyelashes, revealing the teal orbs, slightly dulled from his agony.

“The sickness, Kiri. The vomiting, the aches, the pains… The tortures and anxieties of the whole thing.”

“And you don’t think he can?”

Shokudaikiri’s question was begging for a more honest response than Kasen anticipated. Usually when things  in regards to his brother came up in conversation, it was mostly Kasen complaining about something rash, something about Izuminokami making a young man’s mistake and Shokudaikiri insisting to Kasen that he is indeed young and is bound to make said mistakes (just as anyone in this citadel is prone to make, not that it ever lowered Kasen’s standards). But this time, Shokudaikiri wanted to know why Kasen believed his brother, a very strong spirit himself, might not be able to handle this sort of strain. For despite Kasen’s seemingly unreasonably high standards, he always had a reason for the things he said. It may be masked with a veil of jealousy or prudeness, but it wasn't without a solid foundation.

“It’s not that I don’t think he can do this at all. Certainly not to the point that this entire thing is going to fail. But…” Kasen stopped and closed his eyes again, giving another sigh. “When I spoke to him the other day, I could tell he’s already taking it hard. And I know if I wasn't comfortable with what was going on with me right at this moment, I’d be an emotional mess instead of talking to you as I am now.”

Shokudaikiri only returned with a hum, allowing Kasen to continue.

“So, when I say I don’t want Izuminokami dealing with this, it’s because it will only make it harder on him. And that truly would be a shame.”

“Not that it isn’t hard on you ?” Shokudaikiri said back.

With that, Kasen went quiet again. He lifted his head from its back position so he could look down to the place where his left hand laid. “I will go through anything for this,” Kasen asserted, “And it is that that makes this agony almost bearable.”

And as Shokudaikiri received a glance from his two ocean-washed eyes, he felt like he could see the image forming in Kasen’s mind. Surely he was seeing the images and dialogue of his and Izuminokami’s conversation the other day vividly in his mind’s eye. One thing Kasen was skilled at was seeing pictures within his psyche as an attribute gifted to him by his history with and natural tendency to pursue the arts.

If Shokudaikiri was in in Kasen’s mind, he would see that he was mirroring his own experience with his brother’s.

Kasen was looking to Shokudaikiri beside him, and he knew deep in his heart he could pull through this torture all because his lover provided him with such comfort and support. Kasen felt he could be open with Mitsutada and he felt alright with relying on him a bit more in the days to come.

Then he would think about the words and thoughts Izuminokami shared with him the other day and flesh them out into a comparison to the one that was before him. He didn't feel that way. If Kasen thought the way Kasen felt, he knew Mutsunokami could provide just as much support as Mitsutada. But If Kasen thought about it the way Izuminokami felt…

It was a feeling he didn’t like.

Then pilling on that imaged feeling with the real swirl of grossness in his gut right now, he felt like he could just sink into a murky pool of darkness himself.

Thankfully Kasen could pull himself out from that particular muck. Sure, he was still drowning in his own fears and sickness but…

At least he knew he wanted this and…

His thoughts broke.

All of a sudden a strong sense filled his nose, something so strong it rushed up his sinuses and caused a stir deep within his stomach. He recognized it, but for some strange reason it was incredibly bitter to his senses.

Was that... the rosemary?

“Oh Gods- ”

Kasen was quick to grab the emptied bucket again. To his dismay the lingering scent of what was previously emptied out was not helping the sudden smack of overwhelming nausea. Luckily (or maybe not), there was nothing left in his gut to empty, unless his body wanted to forfeit one of his lungs. But it wouldn’t stop the instinctual grab-a-proper receptacle from taking over him, just in case the tumbles in his belly truly introduced a fifth vomiting fit.

“Okay…” he rasped. “Maybe this is still a little unbearable.” As he noticed Shokudaikiri leaning in to offer a supportive hand to his back, he urged him away with a look of disgust still staining his porcelain face. “Did you decide to roll around in the herb garden this morning?”

“It was one sprig-”

“It smells like you rolled around in the herbs, Kiri.”

The death-glare he received gave him no other option but to change his clothes. These sensitivities were going to be a real bane to Kasen, weren’t they? No matter though. If all Shokudaikiri had to do was change his clothes, so be it. It was about time he undress from his sleeping robes anyway.

Out of sheer curiosity, he took his grey robe and truly wished to see if it smelt that strongly of herbs, because despite what his lover said, he did anything but “roll around” in the herbs.

The mere thought made him laugh, and of course Kasen asked what was so funny.

“Do you think Hasebe would let me get away with that?”

Then Kasen’s eyes went wide. “Oh damn. Hasebe.”

Shokudaikiri turned back in confusion as he threw his black tee-shirt over his shoulders.

“Hasebe?”

“You have fieldwork today, don’t you?” Kasen just sunk in guilt, just as Shokudaikiri hoped to avoid. “I am so, deeply sorry-”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Shokudaikiri assured, trying to lessen his guilt. “I asked Tsurumaru to cover me anyway, so it’s all taken care of. He hopes you feel better by the way.”

His pathetic disappointment in himself never abated. “He shouldn’t have to suffer from my weaknesses.”

“Wow, really take it easy on yourself. You do remember you’re pregnant, don’t you?”

Kasen didn’t respond. Instead he pressed Shokudaikiri more on the conversation he had previously, asking if Tsurumaru knew about why he was sick in the first place and things as such.

But as the conversation drifted more into the mundane, Shokudaikiri could not shake off his growing concerns.

Despite what Kasen said, he really anything but weak, especially when going through this. Shokudaikiri wholeheartedly believed that he could handle all of the toils this pregnancy was going to throw at him, just as he said. But what concerned him was what he said about Izuminokami before. Clearly his brother’s situation wasn’t making anything easier on his mind.

It was actually quite interesting to him. Out of all the thoughts that could be running through his head at this moment in time, Kasen was thinking about his brother.

Earlier Shokudaikiri didn’t mean to insinuate he didn’t care about his brother, it’s just that they never really were on the best terms, and Kiri always knew that was something Kasen regretted. So, yes this was a good chance for them to deepen their bond which was something Kasen always wanted, but Shokudaikiri wasn't convinced this was the best avenue.

Even if Kasen never told him about what they talked about on the veranda the other day (which he actually did in detail), it was clear Izuminokami was not ready for something like this. Anyone could see that. He just wasn’t the type to consider such a big change like this. Then taking into consideration Kasen’s regret for not being closer, as well as his own sentimentality with such a process, Kasen is without a doubt going to take on a lot more than just bringing a child into the world.

And this in essence was the only thing that bothered him about Izuminokami’s pregnancy being so close with his. It would be one thing if Kasen used his experience to help his brother, but it was another to be giving his time and energy to his brother alongside giving his time and energy to their baby.

All in all, Shokudaikiri just wanted Kasen to take care of himself, and he didn’t want Kasen to feel guilty if he couldn't take care of his brother too.

It was that selfish little part of Shokudaikiri wanting Kasen to just take care of himself and for him to feel like it is okay to ask for help and be weak, things like that. He just wanted him to allow himself to wallow, and maybe not be selfless and give up his self-care for a cause that might just be a fool’s errand. Shokudaikiri was all for them getting closer, but this opened more doors to hurt than he felt Kasen realized.

Then again he has been wrong before. Maybe this truly will be the catalyst to bring these two stubborn men together. Either way, it certainly was going to be an adventure. All Shokudaikiri could hope was that Kasen will allow himself to focus on his bumpy road when he truly needed it and not sprain his leg trying lift his brother over his obstacles.

Chapter Text

Pregnant.

He thought the more times he repeated it to himself the more likely it was to make sense.

Pregnant.

The word just threw itself around Izuminokami’s head like an annoying ball of fog.

Pregnant.

Everytime he repeated it the more it sounded like a faux word. Something fake. Something made up. Something that couldn't possibly be happening to him. No matter how many times he stressed certain syllables, emphasized a certain sound, it still didn't seem any more real to him.

He gave a heavy sigh. This was going absolutely nowhere. He found himself walking along the veranda… again. Using the same strategy he’s been using for the past few days… again. Again trying to wrap his head around all of this… again.

That’s all he did these days. Walk, think. Sometimes he would walk and think. He would walk and think and sometimes have the occasional conversation with himself. To add fuel to the fire he was now burdened by not having any burdens. Afternoons he usually spent sparring were left empty. Training hours have gone dry. Fieldwork was a thing of the past. And if he tried anything remotely close to what could be considered “straining activity,” Mutsunokami was there to stop him before he even lifted a finger. So what was left for him to do but… Walk?

His conversation with his brother the other day was the catalyst for most of this. He knew Kasen never wanted to enforce any guilt on him for foolishly getting himself into this situation, but ever since he and Kasen spoke the other day he couldn’t help but feel worse about everything which in turn gave him a burning need to fix it. It was one thing to have a hard time accepting this sort of thing, but add on the idea that someone pretty important to him was certainly more deserving of this made his brain churn all too much on the subject that was already too much for him to accept in the first place.

Kasen’s story did open his eyes to how precious something like this was, but acceptance was not coming any easier to him.

All he wanted was to wake up one morning to just accept this with open arms. He truly did. Sk the fact that he couldn’t frustrated him to no end. For Kasen’s sake he wanted to be alright with this, just out of respect for his own past. And he didn’t think it would be so hard for everyone seemed so easy to accept this: Mikazuki’s announcements for both his children were always warm and adoring. Kasen was surely more than alright with getting his second chance. And Souza… Well Souza was a different story. But once the whole “father” situation fixed itself, he was just as accepting as the others. Maybe they aren’t perfect like Kasen said, but Izuminokami still felt like a strange outcast among his comrades now because why was he, unlike everyone else, having such a problem?

It really was a mistake for Izuminokami to keep giving himself alone time like this. Everytime he gave himself too much time to think his head started pulsing. And it’s not like he was ever good at talking to others about his problems. Well, it was his problem after all. The only person who could help him was himself.

Right?

The throbs resulting from the pounding thoughts clashing around his head made him force his palm to his head. He had to stop his walk for a moment just to let himself settle down. If anything, he wasn’t going to let a few confounding thoughts cause him to be so unsettled. He was a Touken Danshi for goodness sake. He’s been through countless battles, seen the horrors of war first hand and has seen familiar faces be claimed by the grim hand of death more times than he can count. He couldn’t let himself have a mental breakdown over something as simple as being pissed at himself for wallowing in self pity.

His attention to his own distress was dragged away by a pair of familiar voices coming from a short distance to his side, and a bit behind him. It was to his left, but they were not on the veranda like he was. Instead they were trailing across the field. From the voices alone he knew the pair to be Mikazuki and his eldest son, Nichibotsune. And the little boy was right behind his father who stepped gracefully across the field in his battle attire, and hearing the conversation the two were having told Izuminokami that Mikazuki was headed off into battle. Nichibotsune on the other hand was being the innocent little boy that he was; he noticeably disgruntled that he wasn’t getting what he wanted.

“But Daddy-”

“Now, now Nichi,” Mikazuki hummed as he turned around to face his son, kneeling down to reach his level. “I told you you aren’t allowed to go into battle with me today.”

Little Nichi’s ears flattened in disappointment, simultaneously with his puffed out and reddening cheeks.

“But I’ve gotten so good,” he whined back throwing Ari to the grasses below to make his point. “I can fight! I can-”

“Yes, you most certainly can,” Mikazuki replied with a calm and hushing smile. “But I need you to stay here.”

Nichibotsune was still anything but satisfied with that answer, inclining Mikazuki to explain himself further.

“Now Nichi, you know I may be gone for a few days.” The saddened look in Nichi’s brilliant eyes showed he most certainly knew. Then to counteract this, Mikazuki just gave him his characteristic grin and said: “Do you think Papa could take care of Hoshi all by himself for so long?”

Izuminokami found himself intently watching the little show being presented by these two. It seemed ridiculous that Mikazuki was trying to convince a little boy that the sole reason why that he couldn’t get dispatched was because he could take better care of a small child than his own father could. Clearly Kogitsunemaru could take care of his son for a few days. After all, he did it with Nichibotsune. But when he saw the sadness fade from the boy’s eyes and instead be replaced by a new determination and confidence, that honestly surprised Izuminokami. How did Mikazuki know a lie like that would work?

Maybe, that was a parent thing.

Can I really do that? Izuminokami started thinking to himself. Can I really be like Mikazuki?

Then Mikazuki turned his head and noticed he was watching. Of course they made direct eye contact, so as fast as he could Izuminokami broke their locked gazes and turned his head to the side as a failed effort to mask his curiosity.

“Ah… If it isn’t the young Izuminokami,” Mikazuki mused despite partially being ignored by the uchigatana. “I hope we were not disturbing you.”

At this point he had no choice but to return his gaze and act as undisturbed as possible. No matter how much has happened in the past he was still discomforted out by his elder.

“Uh… No,” he replied, awkwardly shifting his hand to his hip and then crossing them shortly thereafter. “No I was just... walking.”

Either Mikazuki didn't notice his awkwardness, or he just took this as an invitation for he raised himself from his kneel and started walking towards him, beckoning Nichibotsune to his side.

“A walk along the veranda is quite relaxing indeed. Usually good for clearing the mind.” Mikazuki stopped at the edge of the veranda where Izuminokami stood, allowing the Uchigatana to tower over him.

Having Mikazuki stare up at him made his uncomfort rise tenfold. It was always something about his eyes; they were their own beautiful blades, ones gorgeously forged but still just as deadly if used correctly. From the angle he was at he could overlook him entirely and see through every stitch of hiding he clung desperately to. Even Nichibotsune’s gaze pierced like a knife. They were more embellished by the honesty of innocence and a warmness that came from Kogitsunemaru’s genes, but Izuminokami still felt a sense that they (or at least Mikazuki) saw something was up. Which explained why Mikazuki asked, “Is there something on your mind you would wish to speak about?”

If Izuminokami’s heart didn’t make a nervous leap, he could have given Mikazuki a convincing “no,” but unfortunately his answer was a more stringed cluster of words insisting he was fine as well as questioning Mikazuki’s question.

It totally told Mikazuki something was up, but luckily Mikazuki didn’t pry. Instead, he wanted to ask a favor of Izuminokami. Since he was free for most of the day, Izuminokami didn’t say no.

“Could I ask you to entertain my son for awhile?” Mikazuki asked while putting a loving hand on Nichi’s head. “I am actually on my way to a battle and must leave Nichi behind for the time being. I’d leave him with Kogitsunemaru but,” and then Mikazuki laughed. “He just put Hoshi down for a nap and I’m sure he’s going to want to do the same.”

All of a sudden he found himself getting nervous. “I… I don't think that’s such a good idea-”

And then Nichibotsune leapt up on the veranda and wrapped his fingers around the bottom edges of his robe. “Can I come with you, Kami-sama? Pleeeeeeeeease? ”

Kami-sama. It made Izuminokami laugh. Clearly Nichibotsune liked Horikawa’s nickname for him, yet still wished to use the proper honorific. He also didn’t get that it was based off of the first syllable of Kanesada, not the last of Izuminokami.

“Alright, kid,” Izuminokami said towards the fiery eyes that held such a pathetic hope. “You’re with me for the day.”

You could have just told Nichibotsune that he was welcome to eat fried tofu all-day every-day for the next five years considering the way his eyes lit up and his ears perked. In the midsts of his excitement, he stopped short, and it was then he asked if he could wait a moment as he jumped off the veranda and scampered to where he was speaking to his father moments previous.

“These days pass faster and faster, don’t they?”

Izuminokami looked down to see Mikazuki staring off towards Nichibotsune, with an odd sense of remorse.

“It’s hard to believe six years have passed already,” he continued as if Izuminokami wasn’t there listening. “When I found out I was going to be a parent, I was so fearful of what my future had in store. Now look at him: A little boy quickly growing into a young man, an older brother and a fine swordsman for someone so young. He’s already on his way to being a Touken Danshi like the rest of us.”

Izuminokami traded his gaze from the distant Mikazuki to the boy trolluping in the grass retrieving his closest-plush pal.

“I find it so hard sometimes to accept how much things are still going to change, and honestly I’m scared of that unknown. But it’s not like that’s new for me. I’ve had that nagging worry for six whole years now, and I know it will never end.  So, yes I find it hard to accept he’s growing, but it is going to happen whether I accept it or not. It’s also hard to accept that despite having two young boys, I have to go back to the front lines and fight for the freedom of our histories. Heh. It seems like as time passes, things just get harder and harder to accept.”

“Do you think you have to?” Izuminokami let loose from his tongue with barely any thought.

Mikazuki looked back. “Have to what?”

“You know…” he struggled to say. “ Accept… ”

With that, Mikazuki looked back towards Nichibotsune who was scampering back towards them. “Well, if you ask me, it really doesn't matter, does it? No matter how I feel, it’s going to happen anyway.”

The words that so delicately left Mikazuki’s lips twisted the nerves in his chest as his eyes struck the rest of his nerves. He wasn’t even sure of what he meant by that whole monologue or what brought it upon so suddenly. To be fair he did answer his question, but he was hoping it would have been… more straightforward or, something that would actually make him feel better. Instead it played with his thoughts further, telling him that maybe he wasn’t supposed to be so upset. Then that would bring him back to square one: If Mikazuki was so sure acceptance was something futile, why was it still so hard?

But maybe that wasn’t Mikazuki’s point. Mikazuki was not immune to rambling on about something for no rhyme or reason unless…

Izuminokami felt the kettle boiling behind his eyes. If Mikazuki already knew he was pregnant he was going to scream.

While he tried to cool the burning aggravation, Nichibotsune snuck back to his father’s side, fitting into the area between his hip and his arm.

“I believe I should be on my way now,” Mikazuki added as he rubbed his son’s arm. “I was already running late as it was. Come here, my little fox.” Mikazuki lifted his arm from Nichibotsune and once again knelt down to reach his son’s level. With that he was able to take his son’s head in his hands and gave him a soft kiss on the forehead, and then brought him in for a “so long” hug, cloaking the boy in his lengthy sleeves.

“Be careful, Daddy,” Nichibotsune mumbled into Mikazuki’s chest.

“I will. And you take care of your father, okay?”

With that Nichibotsune pulled back, looked up at his father with his bright kitsune eyes and revealed his wide-fanged smile and gave him a confident nod of his head, giving Mikazuki chance to stand up again and finally make his way to depart for his mission (not without a thank you to Izuminokami first, though). And then, after he strolled away to the citadel’s commons, it was just Izuminokami and a six-year-old. All by their lonesome with… nothing to do.

Or so Izuminokami thought.

After Nichi waved his father goodbye, Izuminokami found Nichibotsune at his hip, tugging at the edge of his red robes, quietly as if he would be interrupting something if he dared utter a word.

He didn’t reply with more than with a hum, looking down at the boy who dwarfed beneath his height but looked up at him with such wide eyes he might as well have been staring at him face to face. Even so the boy didn’t speak what was on his mind. Apparently he wouldn’t speak unless prompted to.

“What is it?”

His eyes seemed to only get wider, giving Izuminokami a real glimpse at the gold, blue and red irises this boy bore. It was amazing how much of both Mikazuki and Kogitsunemaru made it into two small spheres.

“Can I have a snack, please?”

“Really? Wasn’t it just lunch-”

Then Izuminokami had to shut himself up because in an instant Nichibotsune’s eyes started welling with extreme disappointment. And again here Izuminokami was internally smacking himself for being too quick with his words. He just couldn't comprehend the sensitivity of these small kids.

“It’s fine, Nichi.” Izuminokami said quick enough to counteract Nichibotune’s sensitivity. “We’ll go get you something.”

And with that, Nichibotsune broke from the inherited calmness of his fathers to that of the energy expected of one his age. He became the leader of their afternoon together, dragging Izuminokami to the kitchens to get what else but a plate of fried tofu. And after eating that, Nichibotsune just wanted to scamper around the citadel with no particular destination in mind. After awhile Izuminokami found out that Nichibotsune was growing into quite the conversationalist. Sure, he was still playful in nature, but he didn’t necessarily require physical entertainment like he used to when he was younger. He was fine enough talking with Izuminokami about the little intricacies of his young life. He spoke a lot about his sword training and how it’s like living with his brother. But what took up most of the conversation, was actually Nichibotsune talking about his parents.

As Izuminokami listened, and goodness did he listen, everything somehow included Mikazuki or Kogitsunemaru. Like when he’d talk about his training, he said how he wanted to be just like his parents. And when he talked about his brother, he always mentioned how he, his parents and Hoshi would do things together and how he loved playing with Hoshi and even when Hoshi had to take a nap, one of his fathers would take him out to play.

Everything surrounded his parents. His whole existence depended on his parents.

And then Izuminokami had the guts to ask: “What do you love about your parents?”

Nichibotsune didn’t even need to think. “They are just the best! They teach me things and do things with me! And I love them a lot!”

Izuminokami laughed at that. Of course they were the best. They are Mikazuki and Kogitsunemaru. Of course they were good parents. It would be more surprising if they weren’t.

Self serving thoughts were broken again by a six year old’s energy and demands, and now he was engaged in some other conversation with the child.  

“Kami-sama?” he started with now, bounding closely to his hip.

Izuminokami would hum in response, prompting him to just say what he had to. A part of him regretting letting him continue. Because without any sort of hesitation at all he went and said: “You smell funny.”

He was taken aback for a moment, trying to process the strangeness of the statement. And then he tried to think of the most responsible response to something like that. “That’s not a nice thing to say, Nichi-”

“No, I mean. I don’t mean it in a bad way. You… You just smell like Daddy when Hoshi was in his belly.”

He froze.

Shit.

Right when he thought he could forget the subject in came running back at him. Even a six year old could tell something was up before he was even showing. He said it so innocently like it was some simple statement. And it was by Mikazuki’s son no less! What was he going to do? Tell the entire citadel his damn scent is now changing? Let everyone know the secret he so dearly wanted to keep?

All he could hope for was that his little attention span won’t hold to the thought long enough to tell his parents.

His chance to change the subject came from a wakizashi strolling towards them. A little part of him felt a flip of excitement to see Horikawa again. Although they shared a room, neither of them have been at each others heels as much as they used to (for obvious reasons. Izuminokami has become less and less sociable since he found out about his condition).

“Kunihiro,” he called beneath a smirk as he crossed his arms over his chest, placing his weight to one side to recreate his familiar, proud stance.

Horikawa seemed just as pleased to notice his partner sword calling to him. With an unabashed smile he came bounding towards him and stopped right before him, looking up at him with his wide eyes, smiling as he said, “I had no idea you were available today!”

Izuminokami did everything to act like his normal self. Well, at least whatever that was anymore.

“Well, I’ve been tasked with watching over this little guy for awhile so… I wouldn’t say ‘free.’”

Horikawa simply smiled at the small boy standing patiently, hands behind his back, swaying side to side. Nichi kept quiet as Horikawa made mention he was just about to run to their shared room to pass time before pursuing the plans he made today. At the sound of that Nichibotsune’s energy bubbled up again, almost causing him to topple over himself. He spun in a little circle and tugged once again at Izuminokami’s robe.

“Kami-sama can we go can we go please ?”

“Go?” Go where-“

“I want to go to your room!”

And so Nichibotsune’s mysterious desires confound Izuminokami again.

“Why on Earth do you want to go there? And besides,” he started, again trying to play responsible, “Kunihiro may want some alone time.”

“Actually I was going to ask if you wanted to come back with me. It feels like we haven’t had time together in ages!”

Something stung at him as Horikawa said that. But he brushed it aside as soon as it came.  With that he agreed with both Horikawa and Nichibotsune and they all went to their room.

Nichibotsune ran in without any sort of hesitation at all, and he ran right to Horikawa’s collection of books. He could read, but he found most interest in the illustrations some of the books kept, even if they were diagrams and descriptions of swords, techniques, and other sorts of things Horikawa kept. Luckily Nichibotsune took after the reservations of his parents, finding enjoyment in the quiet things. It gave Izuminokami and Horikawa time to catch up on time they missed together. As the boy made himself busy, the two swords sat before one another and started their afternoon together.

It was great how they could talk like they always did, sharing their new experiences within the citadel and sometimes reminiscing about the past. This was the first time in a long time Izuminokami felt comfortable within his own skin. It was like things haven’t changed at all, and he felt so relaxed.

But unfortunately easy thoughts didn’t last. Meanwhile as they spoke, Izuminokami was able to watch Nichibotsune play around the room and as the boy kept himself busy he kept thinking about the things Nichibotsune said, the things he said about his parents.

This little boy was unplanned, and Izuminokami watched Mikazuki bear him for those handful of months. And then they all lived through his raising, watching him go from a small infant to this incredibly intelligent child of six years of age. Then he became a big brother and, said process was repeated. This was a child conceived, carried, born and raised here. And… that got him thinking...

He and Mutsunokami were walking in the steps of Mikazuki and Kogitsunemaru.

Nichibotsune spoke of them in such fervor, and understandably so. Goodness they were his parents . And when has anyone had anything remotely negative to say about the either of them? They were practically perfect… Yes,  what Kasen said the other day, that they all have had their issues in the past was true. But then that just goes to show, for Mikazuki Munechika and Kogitsunemaru to have issues at all? What kind of hope did that give him and Mutsunokami?

Relatively speaking, their relationship is one of the youngest in the citadel. What would any issue even a fraction of the scale of Kogi’s and Mika’s do to them?

What were he and Mutsunokami doing in anticipating a child? There were some days he couldn’t stand Mutsunokami. Kasen said they weren't supposed to be perfect, but when did imperfection overrule incompatibility? Where was that line drawn?

That’s the one thing that kept coming back. Because one of the most shocking things to come to this citadel was Souza’s break up with Hasebe. Together for so long, then all of a sudden it just wasn’t right. It didn't matter about whether there was a baby or not. It pulled their relationship apart, but brought another relationship together, with Nikkari. What worried Izumi was, were he and Mutsunokami going to be a Hasebe situation, or a Nikkari situation? Kasen was convinced they were more Nikkari, but wouldn’t they all have believed Souza and Hasebe to be untouchable in the months before their inevitable downfall?

“Kane-san?”

Izuminokami was shaken from his mind and looked to Horikawa before him. He was so deep in thought he almost forgot he was there.

How… how could he let his mind wander so, especially with Horikawa there? Why was this becoming the only thing he was thinking about anymore? Why couldn’t he just… pretend for a moment he was still normal?

Horikawa meant so much to him. Now his thoughts were preventing him from even enjoying a moment with him...

There he was, the wide-eyed wakizashi, one who shared a striking likeness to himself. But this Danshi’s demeanor was too different, one that sent a hidden twinge deep down into his gut. Horikawa Kunihiro almost felt like another part to him, making them practically inseparable and his presence was one that always brought him comfort. It brought back the days of being at his former master’s side, the lively days of the Shinsengumi, a time where he knew who he was and what his purpose was. But… He knows he hasn’t seen Horikawa as much as he did in the first days at arriving at the citadel, and now he knew the subtle-yet-dark gap between them could only widen.

He still had to tell him.

He knew how Horikawa felt about him. He revered him, respected him, and looked up to him for everything he did. He loved him and viewed him to be the coolest and most amazing being to ever grace the face of this earth. What would he think of him now, making such a mess over himself over his own foolish mistake? Would he… Think less of him? Would he look different?

“Kane-san!”

That smile, Izuminokami owed it everything he had to give. It trusted him so to be steady and unwavering.

So that’s what he was going to do. He was going to be the same Izuminokami he always was.

“Sorry, sorry,” he said beneath a brave smirk. Izuminokami glanced over to see that Nichibotsune, on his belly with a book opened beneath his nose, was slowly lowering his head, being taken by the spirits of sleep. “He… Just caught my attention.”

Horikawa too turned around to notice how Nichibotsune fell asleep in the book, and that seemed to distract him from Izuminokami’s bizarre state.

“Hey, look at that,” Horikawa half-whispered as he noticed something peeking beneath the book Nichibotsune was reading. He got up and picked up the object in question and handed it to Izuminokami. “Remember this?”

It was a photograph, one he hasn’t seen in ages.

It was one of the many celebrations the citadel held. Izuminokami wished he could recall more of it, but how much he drank prevented him from that. His fellow swords took part in the drinks and soon it got out of hand. Dares started being thrown, and the momentary drunks they were fulfilled every one, no matter how “repulsive,” and Mutsunokami was no exception. Izuminokami could not remember who dared him to, but he dared Yoshiyuki to kiss him. “Make the sword of Sakamoto Ryoma show love and affection to the Uchigatana of the Demon Vice Commander.” It was such a prank even Tsurumaru would have been proud.

There was so much protest, but Mutsunokami pulled through, and that was the photo: the moment right after Mutsunokami fulfilled the demand.

The photo captured the aftermath, but this didn’t end as expected. Izuminokami and Mutsunokami alike found it fun. The dare was fulfilled only once, but the day followed with boisterous laughter and blushing smiles and an afternoon of pure enjoyment in one another’s company that would proceed many more.

That was the first time they kissed.

So many emotions hit him then and there. Because that photo was the beginning of a lot of things. That moment captured was probably the first time he and Mutsunokami shared intimacy. It may not have been exactly genuine or romantic but Izuminokami remembered how he felt something , and that something got him thinking and realizing that maybe there was more to their relationship then childish arguments and feuds from their former masters. No matter how much they bickered and claimed hatred for one another they were always together, and it was in that moment he knew he was okay with that and perhaps wanted that.

That relationship now resulted in a kid. It would be a poor bastard born from whatever relationship they had. Maybe he and Mutsunokami had some sort of bond, but this thing coming to them could not be taken lightly. What if he couldn’t be the parent Mikazuki is to his children? What if his and Mutsunokami’s relationship is only a pillar of sand? What if he didn’t deserve this? What if he changes so much, no one will think of him as the Izuminokami he once was?

What if he was never going to accept this? How could he raise a child if he couldn’t accept the fact it was coming in the first place?

This started consuming him, and soon he couldn’t hide his distress. Horikawa like the keen Danshi he was noticed this, asking “Kane-san, are you okay?”

And he was still ignoring Horikawa. This was an absolute nightmare.

“I don’t know, I’m…”

“Kane-san… are you… crying?”

Izuminokami was as shocked as he was when he felt the first tear stream down the side of his face.

He… he was crying. This was so stupid. Why was he crying over a stupid photo? He was supposed to be strong, and now Horikawa was staring at him while tears filled his eyes.

Dammit why did he have to feel like this?

“Whatever you’re feeling is anything but stupid,” that’s what Kasen told him. But how could he say that as he cried over a damn photo? Kasen was probably sailing through his pregnancy. All accepting, and all knowing of what to expect and all ready to take that role as a parent. There was no doubt he was doing better than him at least in that regard. Kasen had a control on his emotions- Hell he told him about his miscarriage without shedding even a single tear. Now here he was crying over a photo?

He couldn’t say anything. He couldn't bear to look up at his partner sword and even more he couldn’t take his eyes from the image in his palm. Something about it was tearing him apart, but it also reminded him of something else...

The photo showed they had a bond, something special. What Mikazuki told him today was that nothing was going to stop him feeling the way he was. But if there was one thing he had and one thing he knew, was that this didn't come about for nothing. It was because he loved someone and… that meant something, didn’t it?

Kasen said it was going to be difficult, and he had to be willing to fight for this. And… Izuminokami did. He would love to remember what he felt in that photo.

All of a sudden there was something he had to do. The forces in his heart told him so. It would be the only thing that could settle the bursting emotions within his heart.

“Kunihiro I… I have to go.”

And within moments he was up and out of there, running down the citadel halls. His legs were on automatic and before he could even think he was right before Mutsunokami’s room. Announcing himself wasn’t even a thought as his tears burned his face. He threw the shoji open and cause a look of surprise then blatant concern on his lover’s face.

“Izuminokami? What happened? Are you okay? Did you-“

He didn’t even answer. He stormed right into the room and fell to his knees right in front of Mutsunokami. He bowed his head down and threw his arms around Mutsunokami’s unsuspecting neck.

“What-“

“Shut up you idiot.”

And he did. Just as Izuminokami wanted he didn’t say anything else. He did return the embrace though. He tenderly grasped Izuminokami who shed his silent tears into his shoulder.

He knew what Mutsunokami wanted to say. He wanted to tell him it was okay just as he has been everyday since they found out. But he couldn’t hear it again this time. He just couldn’t .

Oh how he would like to believe that everything was going to be okay. But even if he couldn’t believe it there was something comforting in being in his arms.

He may lose Horikawa, he may lose his sense of self, and he may even gain something he never wanted. But at least he had this right now. Even if things didn’t work with Mutsunokami later, he had him for a few more days, maybe a few more weeks. And he was going to hold it and never let go.  

If he didn’t have faith in anything, he at least knew this happened for a reason. It may have been the only thing he could grasp to, but it was something. There were days he couldn’t stand Mutsunokami, but he also couldn’t imagine going through this without anyone else.

At least he knew one thing will stay constant: the reason for all of this. And if he at least knew one thing wasn’t going to change, he could grasp to that. At least with that he could try to believe things were going to be okay. 

Chapter Text

Well, there it was. It was there, staring right back up at him. No matter how much he sucked in his gut it refused to vanish, gradually erasing the hard lines he worked so hard to keep defined on his core. He couldn’t help but breathe an aggravated sigh at the sight. 

It really caught him off guard today. He could swear it wasn’t there yesterday, so noticing it all of a sudden threw him into this never-ending staring contest with the phenomenon. Somehow it felt like staring was the only chance in ever understanding it. 

It wasn’t the most noticeable, but Izuminokami could no longer deny there was something there, and if anyone were here to see him fondling his own stomach in the way he was now, his secret would be out. Thankfully Horikawa stepped out while he got changed into this day’s outfit because Izuminokami was sure if anyone remotely close to him saw him shirtless as he was now, they would see it too . And then they would know. Well, at least they would notice how something was off. Then they would ask. Then he would have to tell and that kind of conversation no matter how he looked at it would be absolutely dreadful. 

Even he could admit someone finding out by accident would be worse than him admitting it himself.  

The only thing that kept him sane was that it still was small enough to be cloaked by his robe and his belt. He hated how he really had to start hiding it now. Even worse… It meant from here on in it was going to get even more noticeable, meaning he’d have to fess up to it sooner or later. 

Maybe he had more time than he thought. He could lose the belt when “it” got to be too big to fit anymore. Just wearing his robe and then maybe his hakama would cloak it enough in the later weeks. 

Oh who was he kidding? He should stop that nonsense and just get dressed. After all, Horikawa would be back in no time. 

He could push it aside all he could but nothing would unravel the immortal twist of nerves in his chest. He was going to really start showing one day, and that will be the day he had to fess up to the fact that he was stuck on this path with no escape in sight. And if there was anyone that hurt the most to tell, it was Kunihiro. It wasn’t just all of the insecurities, but that also meant the sooner he told him the sooner he would have to face the fact that he was going to have to break the news that they wouldn't be sharing a room anymore. And that was one of the hardest things to accept out of this whole situation. After all, Horikawa has been at his side for how long now? Now that was going to have to change too?

But things had to start changing sometime. It was inevitable, and how much longer was he going to dance around it? Was he really going to wait until it was noticeable? 

How much longer would he wait?

Izuminokami threw his robes over his shoulders and wrapped them tight while he still had the time alone. Then once his belt was tightened and his tatsuki was tied the shoji slid open, and so vanished any hopes of forgetting his torture. 

“Kane-san! Are you ready to go-”

“Kunihiro I need to tell you something.”

Even Izuminokami was surprised at how fast that flew past his lips. In one split second apparently he made the decision that waiting any longer was just going to make things worse. Or maybe, he just could not take that anxiety anymore. He was a pressurized can waiting to burst, and if he waited any longer he was soon going to destroy everything around him. 

But the sudden silence coming from the doorway behind him only intensified his leveling anxiety. His heart started thrusting against the closet of his chest when Horikawa slowly closed the door behind him and approached him with soft feet. His voice was no longer that bright sunshine it usually was; it was sincere and almost as heavy as the darkness the closed shoji brought into the room. 

“What’s wrong?”

He had to know. This avoidance, it was absolutely ridiculous. This truly was hard but… If anyone deserved to know, it was Horikawa. He at least deserved to be told and not find out on his own. How would it look if Izuminokami didn’t even trust his own partner blade with this news? And most importantly, If there was anything that bothered Izuminokami more than being pregnant was how being pregnant made him start to avoid one of the most important people in his life: Horikawa. So Izuminokami turned around, took a deep breath, and decided to give his explanation for why he’s been so distant. 

He guessed now it was time for things to start changing.

*****

“Now tell me,” Nikkari hummed as he sat in his seat while simultaneously placing his own breakfast down on the table. “How come your meal is less lavish than the rest of ours?” His gestures aimed towards the man who sat diagonally from him, or more like the plate he ate from. “Shouldn’t you be getting the best of the best as a reward for creating a whole new human being as we speak?”

Souza, who sat two seats over from Nikkari (for their son took the seat between them), chimed in with his own “Here, here” as he took a bite of his rice.

Kasen found himself laughing at the sentiment. 

“Well,” he started, echoing Nikkari’s own gestures to his own plate of food. “I’ll have you know I have since upgraded from bread and water to, here we have, white rice, ginger ale and sometimes… a nice raw vegetable. I have to work my way up to what you all are lucky enough to enjoy.”

With that Nikkari leaned as far as he could over the table’s surface, putting his hand beside his face and half-whispered, “You know you can tell me if Mitsutada isn’t treating you right-”

“Okay,” Shokudaikiri sighed, stopping Nikkari in his tracks. He knew he was saying it just to pull his leg. If he wasn’t, he wouldn’t have said it loud enough for him to hear.  “Do you know how hard it is to make something that won’t upset his stomach?”

“Well this is your fault, after all,” Hachisuka chimed in, leaning past Kasen to look at the tachi. “ You put your baby in there, causing him this upset. I say you must suffer the consequences of your actions.”

Shokudaikiri’s chin just dropped, and after a moment of offended silence he turned to Souza begging “What did I do to get all of this ridicule?”

Souza shook his head and sighed in sympathy, diluting the playful tension being forced on Kasen’s best caretaker as he usually did. “Goodness, I feel like I cheated you all. I practically evaded all types of sickness.”

“Sure,” Hachisuka chimed in from where he sat beside Kasen. “But you still tumbled to the ground every chance you could get.” 

And so things were lively as they usually were in the mess hall. Nikkari lingered on ironies, Souza (who was usually more engaged in making sure his son ate well) kept his delicate sentiments and Hachisuka spoke as bluntly as ever. Shokudaikiri contributed with his own comments as well while Shii kept quiet as he usually did when the adults were conversing (he usually went silent when eating anyway). 

Kasen and Shokudaikiri revealed the news to their little gathering of friends a few days ago. And as they imagined, they were all greatly surprised. The three of them have been living with the pair through their whole struggle of conception and such, so for this news to just come out of the blue… the moment was something close to euphoric, to say the least. It hit a bit closer to home to Souza now, being a parent  himself. He shared tears of happiness that Kasen got his second chance because now he finally understood the joy that is parenthood. To their surprise Hachisuka even showed a bit of sentimentality. Although parenthood was never a thought on his mind, he still sympathized with Kasen’s plight. And of course once the news was out, it became one of their favorite subjects around their table be it breakfast, lunch, or dinner, which was evident today of course by Nikkari’s prodding. Things only slowed down when something came into Mitsutada’s mind and he drew back a moment. 

“Oh! Almost forgot.”

Shokudaikiri leaned over, reaching into his pocket. With a rattle against plastic he pulled a small bottle of what seemed to be pills and placed it on the table in front of Kasen. 

“Oh, fantastic. Thank you,” he replied taking the bottle in his hands. He opened it, tipped it over and took hold of two capsules, catching the intrigue of his comrades, illustrated by a perfectly timed tilt of each of their heads. 

“Vitamins,” he said.

 He tossed them into his mouth after answering, but he was still nagged by questioning stares.

“ Prenatal .”

“Are those absolutely necessary?” Souza now asked with piqued interest. “I didn’t have anything like that and, well. Shii turned out just fine.”

Kasen took a second to swallow before he answered with a heavy, “Yes. That is true. But I refuse to take any chances. I’m going to do all I can to make sure things go right.”

And they left things at that. Kasen in particular dragged the conversation away from that, making it more of a delightful discussion, not about his own situation. As they all engaged in conversation again he noticed the mess hall doors opening to reveal his brother with Horikawa right before him. 

Unfortunately, he couldn’t help but notice how his eyes tried (but failed) to bury an occupied mind. It wasn’t a new sight to see from his brother, but it meant something happened before this present moment. More specifically, something that made him upset. 

It was then he decided to check for himself if he was okay. Granted, he did give him a moment to get his food and sit down at his respective table across the room. As Kasen’s own friends chatted he quietly poured another serving of vitamins into his palm. Then he excused himself and aimed to go meet with his brother. It wasn’t without a little struggle though. A twenty-two week old tucked away within his core really started to throw off his sense of balance. Such things brought nudging comments from the Koutetsu at the table. Hachisuka didn’t even try to bury his chuckle at Kasen’s little show. 

“You alright there?”

“Sure,” Kasen snubbed right back. “Make fun of the pregnant man. You’ll be laughing when I can’t move at all and you all are going to have to do things for me.”

Souza again took the role as mediator. “ I would be the last person to laugh at you.”

“Oh please,” Hachisuka sighed back to Kasen. “If Mikazuki had a hard time asking for help when he was pregnant, we’re going to have to strap you to a chair.”

“That’s not going to be necessary,” Kasen sighed, straightening out his hakama. “Things are already getting hard for me.” And he left them with that and made his way to see his brother. 

As he strolled over to the table across the room, Kasen was pulled over by Azuki who was sitting at the table behind that of the Shinsengumi swords. He and his fellow Osafune were fairly new to the citadel, but were just as warm to Kasen as if they have known him since the beginning, especially when they found out his relationship with their brother, Shokudaikiri. That being said, Azuki was the one most interested in Kasen’s state, but it didn’t hurt to engage him and the rest of the brothers in conversation while he answered Azuki’s concerns. After all, Izuminokami seemed to be caught in conversation at the moment as well. It would be immensely rude if he just interrupted. So talking with the Osafune swords was a good way to pass the time until he could grab his brother’s undivided attention. 

However, Kasen’s ear picked up on something going on behind him. It wasn’t any sort of commotion in the grand sense, but something was foreboding with Nagasone. It was mostly to do with his tone, Kasen decided. Little did he anticipate how his tone prefaced real irking words beneath them. 

“Look I’m going to be completely honest,” Kasen heard him say. “I’m still not used to this whole baby thing.”

Now, words as such were harmless, but if Kasen knew anything about people and how they work their words, he had a feeling this wasn’t going to avoid controversy. And since it was Nagasone speaking, it made him sure that this was going to evolve into something that could be quite offensive if taken the wrong way. Luckily Kasen could handle something like that and know whatever Nagasone was going to say wasn’t going to be a personal jab at him (it better not be. The last thing he would allow was anyone speaking negatively behind his back). But there was someone else in the equation, someone who would take it more personally than he. 

“It’s just… I mean good for Mikazuki and Kogitsunemaru, and Souza and Nikkari and Mitsutada and Kasen. But I mean... am I the only one still uncomfortable with the whole thing?”

“I’m not too bothered by it,” Kashuu sighed as he usually does. “It’s just something new, is all. It’s just learning about a new function of these human bodies, I guess. It’s just the same as learning to use our hands.”

 “Yes, but it’s not like we are unfamiliar with how humans work. We’ve lived at their hips for centuries and nothing like what’s happening here was happening there. Doesn’t that make this all a little strange?”

“Strange or not, I think this is a sort of blessing,” Yamatonokami chimed in. “Yes we were given ‘male forms,’ but isn’t it neat we still get the opportunity to take part in the true human experience? Doesn’t that make us even more human?”

“Human freaks,” Nagasone put in a brashly as ever, and it was that which rattled Kasen’s nerve. Clearly Izuminokami did not tell his fellow blades about his condition. Kasen knew the Shinsengumi swords. He knew they all had each other’s backs. They were as close as brothers, closer than Kasen ever was to his own brother and he knew Nagasone would never say something like this if he knew Izuminokami were experiencing it himself. They may pick on each other from time to time, but never would they outright call each other freaks.

But look at that. Nagasone just did it without even knowing. And seeing how Izuminokami had yet to say a word was evident to how he interpreted that as the pure, unadulterated truth of Nagasone’s feelings.

And it didn’t stop there.

“Izuminokami,” he said, causing the Kanesada to flinch where he sat. “Weren’t you always the one pointing out how odd it is how this has started happening within the citadel?”

It really was getting worse and worse. This was going to crash and burn. Things were already flying off the rails and Kasen would be damned if he were just going to sit and watch his brother be slammed by the runaway train. But before he could even pardon himself from the Osafunes, he heard another previously-silent voice jump in front of that mess to lessen the blow. 

There were times even Kasen was grateful for how tied Horikawa was to Izuminokami. 

“I think us bearing children is a great thing! I mean… It’s brave, wouldn’t you say? I would even call it beauti-”

“Beautiful? We are swords meant for war, not pulling babies from our asses. Izumi, back me up on this!”

Kasen couldn’t stand hearing this go on for any longer. Even though Horikawa’s effort didn’t go unappreciated, his argument wasn’t all that convincing. There were nerves bouncing in his speech that could only add fuel to the fire so Kasen took it upon himself to step in and stop this trainwreck Nagasone was driving. He decided to play dumb, acting as if he had no idea about what they were talking about. []. 

“Excuse me,” he said, turning around to lean right over Nagasone’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, it seems I am interrupting something important.” 

He did make Nagasone blush, though, and he could have shut down Nagasone instantly and for days thereafter, if  his comments really bothered him. But that felt unnecessary, and it may just embarrass his brother more.

Nagasone was stuttering to cover his tracks, saying that of course he wasn’t interrupting anything. Kasen could see everyone at that table let this quick exchange sink into their minds and then their eyes trailed over to Kasen, putting two and two together that this conversation was one about him and his expanding frame which surely could offend him (in other words they were all silently praying Kasen didn’t hear those rude comments). They all grew uncomfortable in their seats as a result. After all, Kasen was known as one who would never back down from a clash of tongues. So what else could they expect from something like this?

Or maybe their surprise came from his lack of a volatile reaction. A part of that made Kasen bear an even warmer smile. Perhaps that was enough to put Nagasone in his place. 

“I won’t be long,” Kasen added. “Izuminokami, may I have a moment?” 

Out of all of them Izumiokami acted most out of place, jolting in his chair and looking completely surprised when his own brother addressed him. Maybe he thought he was going to get scolded for the things Nagasone claimed he apparently said. He wouldn’t refuse the request though. It actually would have been better for him to use Kasen’s request to get out of that uncomfortable conversation.

“He can be so insensitive sometimes, can’t he?,” Kasen tsked once they were out of earshot and within the bustle of the mess hall.. “If he went any further I would have wrung him by the neck.”

Kasen meant to make the mood lighter by proving Nagasone truly was being unfair, but his brother remained ever so silent, not finding the light in his brother’s words. Izuminokami stood before him, arms crossed as per usual, and his upset caused him to avoid as much eye contact as he possibly could. Seeing he wasn’t going to contribute much more to the conversation, Kasen decided to just get right to the point. So he snagged one of his brother’s hands and slid the pills right into his palm.

He looked at them like he had never seen pills before.

“What are these?”

“Vitamins,” Kasen replied “It will keep you and your… tenant healthy.”

The unease clouded Izumi’s eyes like a dark fog, and his throat seemed to stiffen as he spoke again.

“Oh.”

“You should take them once a day. I think it’s easier to remember to take them with meals.”

Izuminokami kept staring at the capsules in his palm, giving a shallow nod. He was becoming more and more distant, lost in the maze his mind surely became. It looked like he wasn’t even listening anymore. If Kasen didn’t speak now he was sure to lose him to the waves of whatever was captivating him this time.

“I’ll have Shokudaikiri put some on your tray everyday. Or if you want you can get them yourself in the kitchen-”

“What am I going to say if they ask?”

“They? You mean as in the Shinsengumi swords? Just… Make something up. You can do that, can’t you? Tell them… Perhaps Yagen suggested you take supplements for something or perhaps you just want to stay healthy or...” 

Kasen didn’t even finish. He wasn’t listening. It was obvious now. And it has now started to hurt Kasen. Not in the offended sort of way, however. After all, this wouldn’t be the first time Izumi didn’t listen to him. But this, right now, just goes to show what he’s been worried about from the beginning.

“Izuminokami, are you okay?”

Even as he leaned down to reach his brother’s fallen gaze, parting his lashes as far as he could to reveal his true sincerity. Looking in his eyes he could see the distance was still there, leaving nothing but an echo when he spoke. 

“I told Kunihiro.”

So. That’s what this was all about. That would explain Horikawa’s attempt at defending every “mother” in this citadel. He also knew Nagasone was saying something terribly insulting to Izuminokami and, like the good partner sword he was, Horikawa tried to lessen the blow. Although Kasen was somewhat relieved Izuminokami made this big step on his own, it sunk his heart to see what sharing his secret did to him. 

“And?” Kasen asked. “What happened when you told him?”

“He was surprised... But… He didn’t seem disturbed.”

He didn't realize he was holding his breath. Deep down Kasen knew Horikawa wasn’t going to cause an issue, but Izuminokami state made his mind wonder if perhaps his assumptions were wrong.

“You know, I’m proud of you. That must have been hard for you.”

All he got back was another distant nod, something between appreciation and embarrassment. And, it was then he knew to end the conversation then and there. His brother clamped the pills in his hand and forced a smile, thanking him for this, and in the silence he started eyeing Kasen. Quickly it morphed into staring.

Of course Kasen had to ask.

“What is it?”

“You’ve… Gotten bigger.”

And there vanished every inch of sympathy that grew in within his breast. All bright-sky blueness faded from his own stare and swelled instead with lessening patience. He slapped his brother in the arm, then pointed a finger at him as he furrowed his brow, erasing the remnants of concern his face wore moments before. His robe may have had a new tautness to it causing fellow danshi to notice his condition without prompt, but that was no excuse for impertinence. 

“First of all, you never tell a pregnant person they look pregnant. Second of all, of course I have. The baby can only grow bigger.”

That stopped Izuminokami well in his tracks, succumbing him to utter silence instead of nervous hesitation. It caused Kasen to pull back too. After all, he realized that that could have just made things worse, throwing his heart into a void of sudden guilt. Yes, it was the truth, but it was a truth Izuminokami obviously was not okay with facing just yet. He already had a showdown with reality today, causing him to finally tell Horikawa. Now here he is taking it a step further and bearing truth’s ugly face at him again. 

 It really was strange to watch him back down instead of fight back like he usually did. Times past proved that no matter what Kasen said he would at least spark back with a comment or a defense to his lectures. He always tried to have the last word, but this time he let Kasen take that reward. 

For once in his life Kasen hated how right he was. Couldn’t Izuminokami prove him wrong just once? 

All of a sudden he realized he was now being drowned in his own thoughts, and soon the stagnant air between the two was breeding discomfort and awkwardness. Izuminokami had faced enough today (and it wasn’t even past breakfast). He wouldn’t push anything further. He gave him the vitamins and that was enough for one day. 

Kasen said his goodbyes and let Izuminokami return to his table. As he started his own stroll back to his own seat he looked over his shoulder to see Izumi’s state, free from Kasen’s presence, with hopes it was his own presence that was causing his disturbance.

His eyes remained down. Even with that conversation over he was still burdened by a heavy weight. When in his seat he threw his fist onto his tray and snuck the vitamins down under a napkin, surely to forget about those too. He even shrugged Horikawa off who for sure was trying to give him something warm and positive to hold onto. 

Once again Kasen felt entirely helpless. Everyday he’s seeing Izumi’s pride fade. Yes Nagasone’s scars were still fresh which would explain that sudden fade in his eyes, but he prayed that wasn’t permanent. It also became evident that his brother aimed to just fake his way through this. He was going to shove this to the side in hopes it will go away. 

What was it about Kasen that everyone around him felt inclined to keep secrets and suffer through life’s hardest challenges alone? 

He did all he could to open up to Izuminokami in hopes he’d at least feel like he could come to him if he needed, but it looks like it was all in vain. 

He had to do something. But… What could he do to pull his brother out of this shell he was hiding within?

He couldn’t help but just stop for a moment and let out a sigh. He stood there with a hand on his hip and the other running through his hair. He truly was at a loss at what to do about this. That left him with one thing to do and that was return to his own breakfast. He may have been concerned for Izuminokami’s welfare, but now he had to complete caring for his own before he could do anything else.

Abandoning worries for a moment, he returned to find Hachisuka battling Nikkari on Gods know what, and Shokudaikiri was occupied in conversation with Shizennocho (well, trying to anyway. Shii wasn’t much of a talker, yet somehow Shokudaikiri had a way of getting him to respond even with the littlest of nods). But it was sweet to see he and Souza engaging their table’s smallest occupant. It also gave Kasen a way in to not be too noticed as he took his place. He wished to be left with his thoughts a little longer before having to explain himself in front of his friends. He knew they’d catch onto his disturbance sooner rather than later, but he just needed to take a moment to think first and organize all of his thoughts. 

But to his demise when he got lost in his thoughts, he really drowned in them. It caused his sights to focus  on whatever was before him, and Souza caught notice.

“Kasen, you’re staring off into my breakfast.”

Of course, he tried shrugging it off by giving an apology and an assurance that there was nothing to worry about. Hopefully that would prompt him to just leave him in his contemplative state. Shizennocho was in need of something from Souza then, so he was granted his continued solitude for a moment, but Souza’s distraction provided ample room for Shokudaikiri to perhaps get the more sensitive details of the situation. He leaned over close to Kasen’s shoulder, and asked just loud enough to reach above the noise of the mess hall, yet quiet enough in an effort to keep their privacy. 

“Kasen. What’s the matter?”

“He’s not okay.” He said with a shake of his head. “He’s not okay and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“What? Your brother?”

He looked up and had a quick pang of instant regret for vocalizing his concerns like that, since it was Souza who posed the question (sometimes Kasen forgot how good Souza was at splitting his hearing now). And questions as such prodded answers, answers Kasen had no right to give: his brother wanted to keep his condition a secret so he couldn’t just tell Souza about it. 

Just as things as such nagged at him, Shizennocho was now tugging at Nikkari’s sleeve, eager to leave for whatever reason his tiny mind felt most important. And for some reason he wanted Hachisuka to go with them. Nikkari, being the good father he was, and Hachisuka, always being weak for the little boy’s desires, did leave them be. Seeing them go, Souza went straight to the point, knowing they had the privacy they needed.  

“I think you’re being too hard on yourself.”

“What do you mean?”

“I can see it in your eyes. If it makes you feel any better, I can tell you your efforts are helping him.”

“Souza. With all do respect, I don’t think you know what’s going on here.”

“On the contrary, I do. You’re talking to someone who was in a very similar place he was.”

And so came back that familiar pang of guilt, one prompted by the possibility that somehow Kasen let out his brother’s preciously kept secret. Then again, he has been so careful with his tongue. There is no way Souza would know unless Izuminokami told him directly, which is near to impossible!

“How did you-”

“There is a familiar pattern evolving within this citadel, and your brother just so happens to be following suit.”

Well, for a man of many words, Kasen was speechless. So Souza found out on his own. “Motherly” instinct was quite a trait, wasn’t it? It seems he and Mikazuki really have become more alike than they would like to admit. 

“Of course I could be completely wrong, so I’m going to speak on assumption alone, making everything here completely hypothetical. That being said, I’m sure what you’re doing is enough for him. No need to put so much pressure on yourself to fix everything.”

“It’s not fixing everything,” Kasen defended, shaking his head. “It just seems like ever since I spoke to him about everything, he’s been getting worse. So even if I’m doing something it obviously is doing nothing. I can’t help but think I’m missing something, which means there is something I’m not doing.”

Souza thought for a moment. “So you told him about your situation… Well, he’s not going to take it easy on himself unless he comes to that himself. But that doesn’t mean your efforts aren’t helping him in any way.”

“But… When I handed him the vitamins, even when I made a comment on something he said it just seems like I hurt him more.”

“I don’t think it’s you that’s the issue,” Souza said as he poked his chopsticks around his own food. “Like truly, was my isolation Nikkari’s or even Hasebe’s fault? I was the one who was insecure, and it was really on me to let myself open up and accept everything. I think if you just make Izuminokami feel as normal as possible, that would be a great help to him.” He looked back up and Kasen and said: “But then again, this is all ‘hypothetical.’”

Saying this was “hypothetical” was really just to avoid pointing out Izuminokami’s insecurities behind his back. Souza really did have a point, and, as much as Kasen hated to admit it, his brother was following a similar path to that of Souza. 

But nothing changed the fact that he still wanted to help him. Souza had Kousetsu’s support, after all. All Kasen wanted was for his brother to feel like he could rely on him, and he wasn’t going to rest until he reached his goal.

“You’re stubborn, Kasen,” Souza sighed, knowing of what was running through his curled head. “But your heart is in a good place. That’s what makes you such a good person.” As Kasen blushed, Souza struck him with a look again, sending sharp sparks from his gemstone-gaze. “But make sure you don’t forget to take care of yourself too.”

“Don’t worry about that I’m-”

“‘Spending way to much of my energy trying to fix things I can’t control.’”

“Yes I- Shokudaikiri!”

Kasen realizing the words Shokudaikiri snuck into his mouth were the opposite of what he wanted to say gave him an excuse to burn a look at his lover who found his blind compliance oh-so funny. 

“So Souza can be concerned for you and I can’t,” Shokudaikiri commented beneath his grin, so entertained by Kasen’s sudden state of flustered. Then he turned to Souza saying “I’ve been telling him to ease his mind about his brother for ages now but I think every time I say it he proceeds to fuss even more.” Shokudaikiri twisted in his chair to let one of his elbows rest on the back. And with a sly smile he took his free hand and held firm to the curve beneath Kasen’s robe. “And ever since this I believe this habit of his has gotten worse.”

Even Souza managed his own sort of smirk saying, “well, mothers tend to be the fussy type.”

“Oh will you two stop it?” Kasen sighed, a bit agitated by really becoming the center of attention. And beneath Shokudaikiri’s palm a certain someone felt like it was time to start playing games. And so Kasen was set forth on a stage of agitation, saying, “Now you woke the baby so how am I supposed to eat breakfast in peace?”

“Gods, you’re so cute when you’re mad.” 

“Let’s just… Forget this whole thing.” And so he reached for his chopsticks and started making a dent in his breakfast. The response edged them back into normal conversation, but Kasen couldn’t help but peek over at his brother every now and then. 

Kasen could accept the fact that his situation and that of his brother’s were different, however nothing was going to change his desire to help him through it. Souza said to make him feel as normal as possible, because it was the change that scared him most, wasn’t it? That’s what he said on the veranda. Well, he expressed his concerns about him and Mutsunokami. Today it was about everyone else, noticing the vitamins and all and Kunihiro of course seeing him differently. Kasen couldn’t even ignore the fact that things were going to change. After all, that would be counterproductive, helping to cover up an inevitable future.

So how could he make Izuminokami feel normal in a situation that causes everything to change? How does one make abnormalities normal?

He stared into his rice in hopes for an answer. He thought and thought until those thoughts faded into new, more mundane ones, like how hungry he found himself to be, how Baby surely was a needy one today. That was a change Kasen found endearing, if not a little bit of a hindrance (regarding tight resources and Kasen’s own inability to keep things down). But, how could Kasen be so willing to accept that and not his brother? What was Kasen seeing that his brother wasn’t?

And then it hit him. In one instant the fog lifted, and he finally had his new plan at helping his brother. He finally saw a way to maybe help his brother move along the path of acceptance. 

Who would have thought staring into their breakfasts really would give him the answer he needed?