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to say jeongguk is stressed would be an understatement.
it shouldn’t be a big deal, if he really thinks about. to most people, it wouldn't be a big deal—scratch that—most people wouldn’t even have this problem in the first place. and jeongguk realises that, realises it's unhealthy and definitely not normal and has tried time and time again to ignore it and bury his feelings but he can't. so yes, it’s a big deal. it's a big deal because it's getting to him and it’s stressing him out and the only way for him to unstress is to do something about it.
for his own sanity, jeongguk needs to do something about it.
it’s been one month since him and yoongi got together, since yoongi approached him with unexpected confessions falling off his tongue. confessions that made him cry, more than once. confessions that made his heart hurt, in a good way.
so it goes without saying that this month, jeongguk has been the happiest he’s ever been. yoongi is the sweetest, best, most attentive boyfriend in the entire world, and if he thinks about it, he’s not much different than how he was before they started dating. yoongi still takes care of him all the time, when he’s drunk or tired or sleepy, still makes him a cup of coffee every morning, still cuddles him whenever he wants. there’s just the added privilege of being able to kiss yoongi on the lips, the added privilege of being able to visit him at his studio without needing to hide behind excuses like i’m stuck on this song, hyung or brought you food, hyung. jeongguk can slide onto his lap whenever he feels like it, can kiss yoongi in front of his hyungs just because he wants to. there’s the added freedom of being able to tell yoongi he loves him whenever he feels like it, doesn’t have to suppress the aggressive waves of feelings crashing inside of him anymore because he knows yoongi feels the same.
so yeah, it’s amazing, so so good and jeongguk has never been happier in his life. except now that they’re exclusive—jeongguk thinks that his feelings might have grown tenfold. he feels like his love for yoongi grows more intense each day he spends as yoongi's boyfriend, and—and with heightened feelings often comes jealousy.
and jeongguk is almost always jealous. of his friends.
jeongguk is jealous of his friends.
the thing is, the boys don’t treat neither of them differently now that they’re dating. jimin is always all over yoongi, always touching his thighs in interviews, always pulling at his cheeks, always gives him back hugs whenever he wants. hoseok is even worse, kisses yoongi sometimes and yoongi never indulges him, always rubs at his cheek as if he’s disgusted and jeongguk knows, he knows it literally means nothing because hoseok kisses jeongguk too, he kisses jimin and taehyung and literally everyone else so it doesn’t mean anything at all.
the members are all just touchy and comfortable with eachother. that’s it. and it should be fine but—it’s not. it’s not and jeongguk hates it. he feels overwhelmed, feels like he doesn’t have yoongi to himself, then he feels awful because he knows that’s bullshit, knows that he can’t have yoongi to himself because yoongi is a human being, not an object to own and it’s stupid for him to get upset just because his friends want to show him affection too. and then he just ends up feeling bad for feeling jealous and it’s just—just a vicious fucking cycle.
it’s friday and they’re off tomorrow, so it’s movie night. they’re on the sofa watching iron man for the tenth time because jeongguk moaned and moaned and of course they can’t help but indulge him. jin and namjoon are in their rooms sleeping, left the movie halfway with murmurs of being tired and needing to sleep and no one really protests because they know how tiring their schedule has been recently, so they let them off the hook this time. taehyung and hoseok, however, are very engrossed in the movie that they don’t even notice jin and namjoon leave. they’re on the floor with hoseok resting his head on taehyung’s lap and it makes him feel better for a bit, just proves to him that there’s no need to feel weird over the boys being affectionate with yoongi because they’re all affectionate with eachother anyway. that’s how they are. it’s fine. it’s all good.
everything is fine. everything is great until jeongguk realises jimin is curled into yoongi’s side, arms wrapped around yoongi’s waist and head resting on his bicep. and yeah, jeongguk is on yoongi’s other side, yeah he’s holding yoongi’s hand and yoongi’s been pressing kisses over his shoulder throughout the movie. but he still—he still doesn’t like it. can’t help it, can’t help the ugly sensation brewing in his chest, threatening to come out and engulf him whole. jeongguk can barely focus on the movie, starts to notice that familiar feeling of insecurity creeping up on him. starts to get upset.
so jeongguk excuses himself, tries to keep his face expressionless. gives yoongi a kiss on the cheek and tells him i’m tired, gonna get some sleep hyung. and jeongguk knows he’s overreacting, knows yoongi will realise something is up and follow him because jeongguk never escapes movie night. his favourite part of movie night is yoongi carrying jeongguk to his room after he falls asleep on his lap, tucking him in and slipping under the covers with him. it doesn’t make sense for him to leave movie night. it’s their routine.
jeongguk leaves anyway.
he feels horrible but he can’t help it, needs the reassurance. he doesn’t even look at yoongi as he gets up, just heads to his own room (another sign that something is not right—jeongguk only ever sleeps in yoongi’s room these days. yoongi says they should go back and forth between the rooms instead of just abandoning jeongguk's but jeongguk refuses. wants to feel yoongi everywhere, everywhere, everywhere and of course yoongi lets him have his way), gets ride of his sweatpants so he's left in his boxers and one of yoongi's old shirts, and slips under the covers. tries to calm his racing heart, tells his heart that it’s fine, yoongi loves him. stop acting crazy. tells the anxiety eating at him to go away, yoongi loves him. yoongi loves me.
it’s only been a few minutes until the door opens and yoongi walks in. feels a lot longer, but that’s because jeongguk is driving himself crazy, losing himself in his thoughts. he feels like his heart is disagreeing with his mind, disagreeing with his body, disagreeing with the rest of his organs. feels like every hair on his body is standing, erect, on high alert like how he gets when he sees yoongi with someone else. knows this is unhealthy. tells himself to calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down. you don’t want to ruin this, it’s barely started.
“jeongguk?” he calls out. “thought you’d be in my room.” jeongguk doesn’t bother giving a response, continues to stare at the wall with his back to yoongi. that doesn’t really put yoongi off though, and every step he takes closer, closer, closer, it dawns on him that he can’t run from this anymore. can’t hide from yoongi anymore. needs to tell him, even if it’s stupid.
yoongi takes his jeans off, gets under the covers with him, wastes no time pressing his chest against jeongguk’s back and wrapping his arms around his waist. despite everything, jeongguk relaxes into yoongi’s hold, shuffles back into yoongi’s arms. feels safe. feels like this is where he’s meant to be, like yoongi's body was made just for him.
they stay like that for a while, just basking in eachother’s presence. jeongguk doesn’t mind though, can never mind yoongi. loves him to death. feels like every cell in his body is singing, yearning, reaching for yoongi.
finally, after what feels like forever, yoongi presses a soft kiss to the back of jeongguk's neck and speaks again. “wanna tell me what’s wrong, gukkie?” and he doesn’t know why but jeongguk starts to panic. what if yoongi laughs at him, tells him he’s being stupid, tells him he’s overreacting and just—just dismisses his feelings? and even though he’d be right, he is being stupid and he is overreacting—he still doesn’t want to hear those words from yoongi. never wants to hear those words ever, ever, ever—
calm down. calm down. calm down.
“i’m fine, hyung.” jeongguk’s voice doesn’t sound convincing, even to himself.
he can’t see him but jeongguk's sure yoongi’s just rolled his eyes. “turn around, bun. look at me.” jeongguk ignores him until yoongi lifts the hand on his waist to pull on jeongguk's ear. “turn around or i’m gonna climb on top of you and squeeze you until you can’t breathe. i swear i will.”
jeongguk rolls his eyes this time and finally turns around. he looks at yoongi’s face properly, feels a wave of calmness washing over him like he does everytime he sees him. yoongi's expression suddenly softens, gaze fond and he shuffles closer, closer, closer until he's clouding all of jeongguk's senses, until yoongi is all he can feel, all he can see, all he can breathe.
“what’s wrong? talk to me please, baby,” he runs his fingers through jeongguk’s hair, messages his skull just the way he likes it. thumbs at the scar on jeongguk's cheek, his touch soft, gentle, like jeongguk is made of glass and could shatter into a million pieces at any moment if he isn’t careful. jeongguk feels like he’s falling in love all over again. “we promised we’d communicate, right?”
jeongguk sighs. “i know hyung, but it’s not easy.”
“i know but i’m just—worried. i know something’s been bothering you for a while. you need to tell me so i can fix it.” yoongi whispers the last part, voice tender and it just—does something to jeongguk, makes him want to tell yoongi everything. makes him want to tell yoongi every single last hidden secret he holds safe, locked away in his heart. wants to whisper it to him under the covers. he wants to tell yoongi everything because he knows he’d never ever judge him, but his anxiety, his anxiety—
“it’s stupid.”
yoongi shakes his head, runs his thumb across the mole under jeongguk's lips. “it’s not stupid if it’s bothering you, baby.”
“hyung.” jeongguk is whining now. “i’m serious.”
“so am i. c’mon. tell me. i promise it’ll be fine.”
and jeongguk just—feels all his defences go down. feels defeated, in a way that makes him want to be honest now. so he just says it. blurts out the first thing that comes to his mind because if he thinks twice he won’t ever let the words leave his mouth.
“i’m yours, right?”
yoongi looks a bit taken aback, looks like he wasn’t expecting that and even jeongguk is a bit wide-eyed, a bit dazed at his own words and extremely embarrassed but yoongi—
yoongi just nods, looking earnest. “mhm. mine.” he plants a small kiss on jeongguk’s nose. “you’re my baby.”
jeongguk takes a minute to hide his face in yoongi’s neck and inhale, trying to collect his thoughts. he gathers enough courage to look yoongi in the eyes and pulls back. “your only baby? you don’t think of the others like that?”
“jeongguk—what? of course i don’t. i thought you knew that.” yoongi looks worried now, like he hasn’t made himself clear to jeongguk, like he hasn’t reassured him again and again that he only loves him and only wants to be with him but he has, it’s just jeongguk wants to hear it again and again and again anyway because he temporarily forgets it during times like this—
“no, i do! i just—i just want to hear it all the time, i guess.” jeongguk bites his lip, nervous. nervous, nervous, nervous.
and then—and then jeongguk groans, because he can see it. he can literally see the stages of yoongi’s expression changing, see the look of realisation dawn over yoongi’s face, slowly but surely as he puts all the pieces together. jeongguk wants to die. “guk...are you jealous right now?”
“what? of course not!” jeongguk’s first instinct is to deny it, and so he does. he denies it but then he remembers that the whole point of this conversation is for him to be honest about his feelings and then he just—backtracks. “i—i mean, maybe a little bit.” jeongguk flushes, cheeks pink. hides his face in his pillow and yoongi grins, actually coos at him. jeongguk is mortified.
“hyung. hyung please don’t start.” jeongguk whines, spares a glance at him and sees that yoongi isn’t laughing but he’s smiling, very wide and he looks like he’s going to start teasing him any moment and that's even worse because jeongguk feels like he won’t be able to handle that. this isn’t funny to him—it’s sad and embarrassing and he can’t take yoongi teasing him. he can’t. he just wants reassurance and this—this wasn’t a good idea.
“i didn’t even say anything, guk.”
“well. i know what you’re going to say.”
“mhmm.” yoongi’s grin gets bigger, gums on display and in any other situation jeongguk would be able to appreciate how adorable he looks but right now—right now he’s got other things to think about. like how fucking humiliated he feels. “is my baby jealous?”
“hyung,” jeongguk’s voice cracks. “please stop.” and jeongguk actually feels close to tears, and he doesn't want yoongi to see him so he pulls the covers over his head and tries to hide. he feels so stupid and embarrassed and dumb and he shouldn’t, he shouldn’t because yoongi is just teasing him like he always does. it shouldn’t be a big deal but—but he was actually really anxious about this and he just wants yoongi to comfort him, tell him he’s okay, that his feelings are valid—not make a joke out of it.
calm down. calm down.
yoongi freezes next to him and quickly pulls the cover off of him. he seems to realise they're not on the same page and sits up, leaning back on the headboard. grabs jeongguk’s arm, urges him to come closer, closer, closer until jeongguk is straddling yoongi’s hips, knees on either side of him. jeongguk is still flustered, still avoiding all eye contact. still feels like he wants the ground to open up and swallow him whole.
yoongi tilts jeongguks’s chin up with his index finger and reaches for both of his hands. brings them to his lips and presses soft, fleeting kisses to each of his knuckles. each kiss feels like an apology. “okay. okay. i’m sorry for joking about it. let it all out. i promise i won’t say anything.”
“i’m—i’m sorry.”
“don’t apologise for your feelings, guk.”
“i know but i feel a bit ridiculous right now.” fuck jeongguk's inability to not cry. once the first few tears show up the rest follow like a fucking open tap—
“jeongguk. guk don’t cry. don't cry, please.” he lets go of his hands and wraps his arms around his waist, pulling jeongguk closer. jeongguk hugs him back, curls his arms around yoongi’s shoulders. burries his face into yoongi’s neck.
“i’m sorry.” he whispers.
“it’s fine, bun. talk to me.”
it takes him a few minutes, but jeongguk wills himself to calm down. he pulls back, wipes his tears with the back of his hands. hates how emotional he gets sometimes.
“i—i know there’s nothing to be jealous about. believe me hyung, i know. but whenever i see jimin hyung or hoseok hyung all over you i just get a bit. i don’t know. protective?” jeongguk mumbles, still sniffling and he’s blushing bright pink because he’s so embarrassed and it’s so hard for him to continue looking at yoongi when he’s like this but he can’t look away because yoongi won’t let him.
yoongi just gives him a knowing smile. “you know i get jealous all the time, right?”
“what?”
“yeah.” he’s tugging at the necklace jeongguk is wearing, the little silver cross that yoongi got him for his twentieth birthday. jeongguk never takes it off. “all the time. when i walk into the living room and taehyung’s cuddling you on the couch, or when hoseok is literally kissing you everywhere when you help him beat jimin on those video games you guys play. all the time, bun.” yoongi strokes his spine, up and down, up and down. it’s soothing. “but i tell myself it’s fine because i’m yours, and you’re mine. i love you, always. and you love me too. don’t you love me?”
jeongguk feels—he feels choked up. he never once considered the idea that maybe yoongi would be jealous too, just always thought of his feelings all the time. always thought that maybe yoongi would find it weird when in fact—in fact he was going through the same thing. “of course i do. love you so much, hyung.” jeongguk smiles, small but confident. if there’s one thing he’s sure of, it’s that.
“then we’re fine, baby. got nothing to worry about. i’ve got you, always.” and jeongguk is a bit overwhelmed. feels lucky, incredibly lucky to have someone so understanding, so reassuring, so loving and caring. yoongi knows how to get to jeongguk, always knows how to give him what he needs. so jeongguk shuffles forward and presses his lips onto yoongi’s, soft, soft, soft. yoongi cradles his head, strokes his thumb over the angle of his jaw, gentle, gentle, gentle. hopes this kiss conveys everything he feels, how thankful he is, how much he appreciates yoongi all the time. how much he loves him.
jeongguk breaks away from him and the familiar grin is back on yoongi’s face. jeongguk can’t help but giggle. he feels giddy, on cloud nine and he wants to kiss yoongi again so he does, holds onto yoongi’s waist and leans in to press his lips on yoongi’s mouth, this time with a bit more pressure and yoongi kisses him back just as hard. runs his tongue over his bottom lip and jeongguk actually whines into his mouth. it feels so good.
“hmm. my baby,” yoongi mumbles against his lips, starts to pepper kisses over his nose, his eyelids, his forehead. “my pretty baby.” and jeongguk's cheeks flare. yoongi knows how weak he is for that pet name, even uses it against him sometimes. calls him baby apologetically whenever jeongguk shouts at him for not sleeping enough, or drinking too much coffee or working too much and it makes jeongguk sort of just—forget why he was even mad in the first place. it’s terrible.
a thought suddenly hits jeongguk and he leans back, still flustered. “hyung,” he whines in disbelief. “oh my god hyung, you are so annoying. why would you tease me about it when you felt the same?”
“mhm. always love teasing you. your reactions are the best.”
“wow. one day i’m gonna put these muscles to good use and kick your ass.”
“i’d love to see you try. i’d literally just call you baby and you’d fall into my arms again.”
“hyung.” jeongguk looks horrified. makes a show of getting off of yoongi’s lap and leaving, but yoongi just pulls him back by the arm, brings him closer by the neck and presses a chaste kiss to the corner of his mouth before jeongguk mumbles “i hate you.”
“i had to,” and yoongi is laughing now, the loud, carefree cackle that jeongguk loves. he’s laughing so much that his whole body is shaking, and jeongguk doesn’t even bother holding back the giggles bubbling in his chest. so they laugh and laugh until their stomachs hurt, until they’re rolling around on the bed, until their laughs become one, until neither of them can tell which sounds are coming from yoongi and which ones are coming from jeongguk.