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Narrator: Will Graham and Hannibal Lecter are a couple just recently moving from Baltimore, Maryland across the world to start over. And now that they’ve finally found a place to stay, they’re ready to settle down and buy a place of their own.”
Switches to Hannibal Lecter and Will Graham sitting on a sofa together
Will: My name is Will Graham, I’m 37 years old, I love dogs, and this is my ex-boyfriend, Hannibal Lecter.
Hannibal: I told you to stop calling me that.
Hannibal: I’m his husband.
Will grins cheekily at his husband
Hannibal: Yes, so my name is Hannibal Lecter, I’m 46 years old, and I like to cook.
Will: Currently Hannibal and I are living in a cardboard box and it’s...cozy.
Scene change to Hannibal and Will squeezed into a cardboard box down an alleyway
Will: Hey, babe, could you move to the right just a little bit so I can get past—
Hannibal: No, Will, I can’t, because we’re in a cardboard box.
Will: I just need to get into the kitchen.
Hannibal: There is no kitchen. We have no kitchen.
Will: Not with that attitude.
Scene change back to Hannibal and Will on the sofa
Hannibal: And after a certain...incident [Hannibal glares at Will who smiles sheepishly] it’s even more imperative that we move into an actual house
Scene change back to Hannibal and Will in the cardboard box
Hannibal: Will? Will! What are you doing?! Don’t bring that dog in here, he’s filfth—WILL STOP HE’S GOING TO RIP THE BOX IN HALF
Scene change back to Hannibal and Will on the sofa
Will:
Hannibal:
Will: So now we have a skylight.
Hannibal: That’s a nice way of putting it.
Will: And a nEW DOG.
Hannibal: Will nO.
* * *
Narrator: Real estate agent Casey Brinkman has gotten together with the couple to discuss their interests to hopefully find the best house for their needs.
Casey: So first, what is your guys’s maximum budget?
Hannibal and Will look at each other and smirk
Hannibal: We don’t have one
Real Estate Agent: You don’t...what…
Will: Yeah that’s right, we’re loaded. The only thing bigger than my husband’s bank account is his DICK
Casey: what the fuck
Will: OKAY SO I’m looking for a house with a good amount of space, for like maybe one or two or twelve dogs—
[Hannibal chokes on his drink, sputtering]
Will: —lots of land, maybe a room to keep all of my fishing gear. I think a fixer upper would be great. More of a farm style house.
Hannibal: I’m looking for a huge house, like mansion style, many bedrooms, bathrooms, kitchens . . .
Will: muttering] Jesus fucking christ, Hannibal, it’s just the two of us.
Hannibal: . . . A big dining room, vaulted ceilings, a balcony . . .
Will: This could go on for a while.
* * *
Two days later
Casey: Alright so the house I have lined up for you guys today is listed at $632,000 and is four bedrooms and three baths and just over 3,000 square feet.
Hannibal: Um okay so kind of small.
Will elbows Hannibal in the side as they walk up the driveway towards a pristine white house, complete with a large porch and balcony.
Hannibal: And how many kitchens does it have?
Casey: [stops at the front door] Er..one...as most houses do.
Hannibal: Alright, well, I don’t think we need to see anymore of this, I’ve heard enough
Will: Hannibal, come on just give it a chance—
Hannibal: Will, how do you expect me to function in a house with only one kitchen?? I can’t possibly cook people—I mean for people—in a house with only one kitchen.
Will: Hannibal, we’ve been over this, three kitchens is completely unrealistic!
Hannibal: Yeah, of course the guy who thinks making cereal is ‘cooking’ would say that.
Casey: Let’s just look at the property first, okay guys?
They enter the house, Will trailing behind Hannibal and aiming a kick at Hannibal’s shin, snorting as Hannibal turns around and glares disapprovingly at him
Casey: So as soon as you walk in, you’ve got the living room right here to the left and to the right is another room functioning as a type of mud room.
Will: Omg Hanni a room for all the dogs.
Hannibal: Will, I swear to god.
Casey: [loudly] aND IF YOU LOOK above you there’s a nice chandelier which kind of welcomes you into the house.
Casey points upward to an enormous murano chandelier complete with huge blown glass orbs
Will: Wow, babe, would you look at those balls
Casey’s head jerks slightly to look over at Will, slightly shocked at what he said
Hannibal: Will
Will: Seriously have you ever seen such magnificent balls?
Hannibal begins to walk away, Casey beside him, Will still looking up, a tiny mischievous smirk apparent on his face
Casey: Yeah, so the appliances in the kitchen was recently updated so it’s all sleek and modern.
Hannibal: I suppose that makes up for there being only one kitchen.
Casey: Haha yeah what a...travesty
Hannibal: The countertops are acceptable but these light wood cabinets with gold fixtures are no good.
Will: That’s easily fixed, I could do that.
Hannibal side glances at Will and then the camera and shakes his head slightly
Scene change to just Hannibal in front of the camera
Hannibal: Will is always saying he can fix things and renovate but he never does. Once he insisted on renovating my living room and then half way through gave up because he was ‘too busy trying to catch a certain fish’ or whatever. I kept finding hammers and tools everywhere for months. I sat on a nail at one point.
Narrator: After the kitchen, Casey shows them the bathroom on the ground level and then takes them downstairs to show them a partly finished basement
Hannibal: So tell me..are these walls soundproof?
Casey: ...Are they soundproof?
Hannibal: And do you think the ceilings can support chains?
Casey; [increasingly more horrified] Ch-Chains?
Hannibal: Yeah, for—
Will: [interrupting] Hannibal and I are into bondage.
Hannibal: [coughs] Oh, yeah, that too.
Casey: I don’t feel comfortable answering that.
Will: [leans into Hannibal] God what a prude amirite.
Casey: [coughs] Um out these doors you’ll see a large yard with a pool.
Hannibal: Oh, that reminds me, is this house centrally located, and close to canine recreation areas?
Will: Dog parks. He means dog parks.
Hannibal: Yes, that. Mongoose gets a little over excited if he can’t get out and stretch his legs every day.
Casey: Oh, is ‘Mongoose’ what you guys decided to name the dog?
Will: [disgruntled] No, that’s me.
Casey’s eyes flit to the camera and then back at Hannibal and Will
Casey: Oh, well, um, yes there is a dog park about 10 minutes from here.
Hannibal: Perfect
Hannibal smiles lovingly at Will who begrudgingly smiles back
Narrator: Next Casey takes them up to the second floor and shows them three bedrooms and another bathroom before bringing them into the master bedroom
Will: [gestures to all the bedrooms] Ah, perfect, all of these guest bedrooms for all the guests we will nevER HAVE.
Hannibal: I don’t need the attitude, William.
Will: What are you gonna do about it? [He looks up at Hannibal through eyelashes and smirks] Punish me?
Casey looks into the camera like she’s in The Office
Casey: So, then if you’ll come through here, this is the master bedroom and you’ll see that it’s very big.
Will: Like my di—
Casey: AND IF YOU’LL NOTICE the vaulted ceiling and large windows give the room an even bigger feel.
Will and Hannibal enter the room fully taking in how vast it is and immediately veer towards the large bed in the middle of the room. Hannibal stops at the end of the bed, running his hands over the comforter. Will continues to the top of the bed, running his hands over the large, wood headboard.
Will: Does the bed come with the house?
Casey: [nodding] Yes, the house comes fully furnished.
Will: Hanni, look we could attach cuffs to this headboard, it looks strong enough.
Hannibal walks up to stand beside Will, accessing the headboard for himself, shaking it rather roughly.
Hannibal: Yes, it does seem sturdy enough. Although so did the other one and we broke that one.
Casey: [muttering] Oh my fucking god.
Hannibal: Did you say something, Casey?
Casey: [clears throat] No, no, nothing. Let me show you guys the master bathroom.
The two men follow Casey into a huge, well lit bathroom complete with a double vanity, a large bathtub, and a big clear glass shower
Hannibal: Oh, this is very nice.
Will: [steps up to the sink] Yeah, but the sinks are kind of far apart, like when we’re getting ready in the morning we won’t even be able to reach each other.
Hannibal steps up to the sink and they both reach their arms out and are unable to touch the other. Looks of horror flash across their face.
Hannibal: That could be a deal breaker.
Casey, once again, glances at the camera as if she is in The Office, her expression very clearly saying, “Are these two for real?”
Hannibal: This tub is really big and I like the silver fixtures in this bathroom rather than the gold ones like in the kitchen.
Hannibal proceeds to get into the tub to test out the size of it and nods in approval as he is able to stretch his legs out. He then looks up at Will with a devilish smirk and pats his legs.
Hannibal: Come sit on daddy’s lap, Will.
Casey who was taking a sip of her water at this time chokes and spits it out everywhere as Will rather eagerly climbs into the tub
Scene change to Casey in front of the camera. In the background you can see Hannibal and Will checking out the shower in the back and bickering back and forth
Casey: It’s clear I have my hands full with these two. They both have very different tastes and um are very er provocative. I’m not sure how well this will work out--
Casey stops abruptly as she hears noise behind her and turns to see Hannibal and Will inside the shower, fully clothed but acting out some sex position; Will with leg up on the seat part of the shower and Hannibal behind him, his hands on Will’s hips. Will’s head is turned so he can somewhat glance at Hannibal and they are still casually talking as if this is completely normal.
Casey: [weakly, as if she is giving up] Oh my g--please, please don’t do that
* * *
Narrator: Casey quickly wrapped up the showing of the first house and left Hannibal and Will as soon as possible and the sexy couple gave us their final thoughts.
Will: Overall, I think the house is great, it has a couple projects I could get into, the basement is nice and dark, the bed perfect for us,and there’s plenty of room for three or four or twenty dogs.
Hannibal chokes on air, sputtering
Will: [looks over at Hannibal, mildly concerned] You alright, babe?
Hannibal: [clears his throat and looks at Will in slight disbelief] Um, yes, yes, perfectly fine. The house was acceptable and had many remarkable features which make it easier to look over it only having one kitchen [Will rolls his eyes]. Wherever did Casey get off to? I had some questions for her.
Will: Oh, she yeeted on out of here as quick as possible.
Hannibal: Well, was rather...rude.
Will turns to his husband, a small smirk soon taking over his face completely.
Will: It was, wasn’t?