Chapter Text
When Tony Stark asked to meet with him, Wade was figuring, you know, an all hands on deck type of situation. Catastrophic. End of the world. Maybe a PR thing. So he took his time getting there, only to realize it was just the two of them on the top floor of the Avengers tower.
“Good, you’re here. Sit down.” Wade’s gaze flicked from the other man’s back, trying to read some of the details on the projected screen he was looking at.
“You know, I like to show up fashionably late to these sorts of things so I don’t have to make awkward small talk.” He took a pointed sip of his iced coffee before plopping down on the couch, throwing his feet up on the coffee table.
“This isn’t an Avengers thing. It’s a you-and-me thing,” Tony said, walking towards Wade.
“Ooh, is it? I gotta say, you’re not on my list (Spiderman/Deadpool issue #4) but -”
“Not that. I mean I’m hiring you for a job.”
Wade raised a non-existent eyebrow. Not that Tony could see either way with the mask. “Uh, okay. That’s cool - but I’m kind of like, slowly extracting myself from the murder business. I mean I’m sure I could be persuaded if the payout is high enough, but -”
“It’s not a hit - wait, really?” Wade shrugged. “You have ‘dead’ in your name.”
“Well I’m gonna hold off on rebranding to see if this really sticks.”
Tony squinted. “Any… motivation for your charitable change of heart?”
“Oh, sure. The desire to rub elbows with A-list heroes more often, my need to be loved and praised, wanting to seduce Spider-man by proving to him I’m a better match than he thought, Pride and Prejudice style, and…” He stopped counting off on his fingers. “Were you expecting to hear something like ‘I realized what I was doing was wrong and wanted to change myself for the better’?”
Tony sighed. “I’ve always tried to be pragmatic. Well, congrats on your six week chip or whatever. I don’t intend to outsource any of my enemies to you anyway. I need you for a surveillance job. Nothing lethal, no maiming. Just observe and report.” He flicked the holographic screen until it blew up, automatically flipping so Wade could read it.
There were a few pictures of the same man - young, nerdy looking, usually wearing glasses - and some information about him. He was a junior at Empire State University in biomedical engineering, he was a Leo, four inches shorter than Wade, and - “He works for you?”
“Started as an intern his freshman year and got hired part time. But there’s something… off about him. The stuff he comes up with is - it’s not on the schedule. He manages to get whatever it is he needs to get done, but he’s tinkering with some other stuff, side projects. Which is fine, I’m all for healthy experimentation. But I’m worried he’s stealing intel.”
“So why don’t you fire him?” Tony winced.
“He’s… really smart. Like a mini-me level - well not that smart, but he’s up there. And I want to make sure he’s like, actually doing something nefarious before I decide one way or another. At least if he’s employed here I can keep an eye on him for eight hours a day. And he seems so mousy that it’s hard to imagine - but, I don’t know. There’s something about him…”
“Is it those dark, soulful eyes?” Wade offered, glancing at the pictures. Tony ignored him.
“He’ll disappear during the day at the most random times and brush it off with some weird excuse, and he’s been working on some sort of nanotech type fabric whenever he stays late - and that is not his department. I tried to put a tracker on him -”
“Wow, just no trust in the help anymore, huh?”
“- And I tracked it later to the basket of a bicycle some random courier from Brooklyn owns. How’d he manage that?” Wade shrugged. “Exactly.”
“Alright, so he’s weird, got that. But why not hire, I don’t know… Black Widow? Or literally anyone from SHIELD?”
“Because then SHIELD knows about this guy. He could be a SHIELD spy for all I know! That wouldn’t be the first time they pulled that trick. You’re a mercenary; you can do what needs to get done for a paycheck. There’s no secret loyalties or ties to a weird pseudo-government agency.”
“That’s not true - sometimes I follow my heart.” Tony sighed and pulled out his phone.
“I can front you ten grand right now, and you’ll get the rest if you bring back anything useful on this kid.”
Wade crossed one leg over the other, taking another sip of his drink. “How much is the rest?”
Tony showed him his phone screen, upon which there was a one with many repeating zeroes. Wade made a noise of interest.
“I’ll take that as a yes?”
“Just one more thing. In case you haven’t noticed, my lovely costume isn’t the most inconspicuous. And neither is my face. I can trail him no problem, but if you want me to get close enough to pick up any details…” Tony bounced on the balls of his feet, going towards the wet bar on the other side of the room. “Drinking as a reaction to seeing my face is fine, but at least let me whip it out, first!”
“Not that, Wilson. This. Catch.” Tony procured a weird… blue netting, about the size of a washcloth, and tossed it. Wade caught it, turning it in his hands. “Got my hands on a SHIELD image inducer and perfected it. You affix it to your face and it mimics any appearance you want.”
“Ah, stealing SHIELD technology is fine. A college student taking your ideas means he needs a deadly mercenary on his trail.”
“You’re not using deadly force, and I came up with the prototype before SHIELD stole it. It’s a back and forth thing we have going on. It’s fun. Corporate spies are not as fun.” As he got closer, he handed Wade two more devices that were vaguely hand shaped. “There. Unless you’re planning on tracking this guy to the Bahamas -”
“Ooh, don’t start planning the honeymoon too early, I haven’t even met him yet!”
“Have we got a deal?” Tony persisted. “I just need information on whether he is or isn’t a threat. Find out his schedule, where he goes, even what he’s trying to accomplish with his sudden interest in fashion. Got it?”
Wade carefully tucked the nano-whatevers into an empty pouch and stood up. “Deal.”
On the elevator ride down to the lobby, Deadpool saw the bank deposit notification on his phone, followed by an email message from a dummy account that had all the information on his mark. “Alright, Peter Parker... Game on.”
-
The main issue with Wade’s recon mission on maybe-a-spy Peter Parker was… the guy was boring. He had the same schedule, which made it easy for Wade to track him, but it never offered him any reprieve of sitting around nearby, pretending to read or play on his phone while he watched the younger man out of the corner of his eye. He lived in a tidy little Queens apartment with his older aunt and took the subway to Empire State for his Monday-Wednesday and Tuesday-Thursday classes. He pulled a 9 to 5 at Stark Industries on Fridays and worked there after school every Monday and Tuesday, usually twenty hours per week, though he was prone to staying late to work on… stuff.
Stark said he’d handle surveillance in the building, he wanted to know what the kid was getting up to any other time, like if he was meeting a buyer or a boss. Wade had already decided that he’d break into SI at some point just to make sure, and for funsies of course, but not just yet. He wanted to get a better idea of who he mark was, which, again, he was inclined to say boring.
In between classes, he was either in the library working on some assignment, or he was sitting at one of the little tables set up in a park near the college’s science building. Sometimes alone, sometimes with his friends. Peter didn’t have many friends - Mary Jane Watson was one, and Ned Leeds was the other. They appeared to be friends from high school, and Peter also had short conversations with other classmates who were in the same courses as he was, but that was it. He had a small social circle. The work of an awkward and nerdy young adult or someone who was trying to maintain an air of normalcy while really being a sleeper agent?
[Or the evil clone of the original Peter Parker]
{Or the Peter Parker from an alternate reality}
[Or he was really just a normal guy and Stark is getting paranoid in his silver fox stage in life]
{ OR - he’s looking at us}
Wade didn’t startle, or rip his gaze away from where it had been resting at Peter’s table a stone’s throw away, that would be suspicious, and Wade could reign it in if need be. Usually if a paycheck hinged on it. His mark had just said goodbye to his friends and opened a textbook, before glancing over at him and sending him a polite little smile. Then he went back to his book.
[He really does have dark, soulful eyes] one of the boxes eeked out, after a few minutes of careful watching. Peter scratched at the back of his neck, brow furrowing, highlighter pen in his mouth as he tried to make sense of whatever was on the page.
{And artfully tousled hair. I wonder -}
Nope, no. Not gonna think about it, Wade thought, unlocking his phone and pretending to read his Twitter feed. I’m not a Russian spy played by ScarJo or Jennifer Lawrence - can’t just sleep with the target. Not that I even could -
[Not normally, no]
{But right now you’re looking a lot like Ryan Reynolds, so -}
[You even have that little eyebrow scar. Sexy.]
{Distinctive}
Peter got up after half an hour of taking notes and headed towards his next class. He was busy shoving a few scattered pieces of paper in his bag, not paying attention to Wade as he walked by.
Don’t look.
[Look!]
{Look!}
After a second of careful deliberation, weighing the pros and cons and analyzing the vast myriad of possible outcomes -
He looked.
[Skinny jeans are so five years ago]
{Shut up!}
Peter Parker was boring. At least he wasn’t bad to look at. Coming or going. “Hah, nice one, me,” he muttered out loud. No one noticed him.
-
“Hey, Webs!” Deadpool called out to the familiar shape flying overhead like a one man trapeze show. He bounced in place when he saw Spider-man look down, change course in midair, and shoot out another web at a nearby light pole, letting himself flip around it and land on top.
“Deadpool,” he noted with a cock of his head. “I see you’re back. Is there a problem with anything?”
“Naw, just saying hi. Hi!”
“Hi, Deadpool.” To his delight, Spider-man jumped down and landed a few feet from him.
“Ooh, superhero landing? Nice. Classy. Doesn’t that fuck with your knees?”
“Uh, well, yeah. It’s not - great, now that you mention it.” He straightened up, knees giving an audible crack. “Hm.” He shook out one of his legs before leaning against the light pole. “So. How are… things?”
“Way to sound like an awkward ex. We haven’t even dated and inevitably broken up yet!” Spider-man let out a huff of laughter and started walking down the street, Wade moving to catch up. “Anyway, I know you kind of think of yourself as my keeper -”
[Like Fifty Shades style? Hot]
“-More like your parole officer,” Spider-man countered.
“A sexy parole officer in a skin-tight suit, yes. You and Colossus are really going toe to toe here for my favorite lawful good eye candy.”
“A title I’ll wear with pride,” Spider-man said, wryly. “How have things been going? Keeping out of trouble?”
“More or less. There’s been some X-Men shenanigans that kept me out of the city for a while, Colossus was like ‘join our virgin squad’ for the hundredth time but I’m a lone wolf, baby! I did give him your number. It seemed more in line with your sort of personality.”
“You don’t have my number.” He paused. “And I’m not a - never mind. Colossus likes you?”
“Eh, in this universe? Anyway. In way more exciting news, I actually got called in on a personal mission by Tony motherfuckin’ Stark. So.” The other man made a note of interest. “I even told him, like ‘hey. No killing. I don’t do that anymore. Unless the price is right -’”
“Wade!”
“Which is, uh, so impossibly high that no amount of material wealth could make up for the loss of human life?”
“Don’t say it like it’s a question!” Spider-man said, jabbing him in the side with his elbow. “Why would Stark need you to kill someone?”
“Oh, he doesn’t. Just wants me to do some surveillance on some college kid named Peter Parker. Guess he works under him? But he’s been doing weird stuff or something - I don’t know, so far the kid seems normal to me. Work and classes. I think Stark’s just getting paranoid there’s a new young, nubile genius in town, but I’ve been wrong before. I even got a sweet piece of image inducing Stark tech out of the deal, so.” He shrugged in a ‘what can you do?’ sort of way, walking a few more paces before realizing Spider-man was no longer following him. “Uh. Webs?”
“Sorry, uh -” He paused again, head cocking. “Spidey sense. Yep. That is definitely what that was.”
“Uh, okay -” Before Wade could ask what Spidey had sensed, he heard the distinct sound of water rushing, and the fire hydrants on the street immediately exploded, the pavement rapidly puddling under their feet. “Oh, gross, this is gonna mix with the sewer water in like, ten minutes, tops.”
“Are you busy?” Spider-man said.
“Well if you’re not busy we can totally catch up over a plate of nachos or something -”
“No, Deadpool, I mean can you help me out with this?”
Wade gasped. “Is Spidey asking moi to help out? Well I do declare!”
“You keep saying you want to be a hero, right? Well here’s your chance.”
Wade frowned. “Hey, that’s not fair, I’ve been a non-rostered Avenger for like, months now, and -”
“Are you helping me or not?” Spider-man snapped, turning around and gestured to his back. “I don’t have all day.”
Wade brushed aside Spidey’s attitude. The guy tended to get pissy when the status of his morality came into play, moreso than most other supers he interacted with. Guy really had a thing for being a goody-two-shoes. But he was still one of Wade’s favorites, so. “Spider-man asking for my help? This is what dreams are made of.” Wade happily clung onto the other’s shoulders, locking his legs around his hips. Wade had been privileged to ride around like Spider-man’s personal spider monkey a few times before, and it still kind of amazed him how easily the other man moved. Like, proportional strength of a spider, duh, but he was just as nimble with a self-professed beefcake on his back, swinging them up and around like it was nothing. It made him sigh, longingly, into the masked man’s ear.
“Don’t do that,” Spider-man warned, swinging them up through the wide avenues. As they moved rapidly towards Midtown, the streets began to take on a… flooded quality. Well, more like very puddly, which was definitely not what anyone was expecting to see in the middle of a dry autumn.
“I make no promises, sweetcheeks.”
“Ugh, don’t call me that. What are you, a detective from fifty years ago?”
“Hah, not in this universe!” Spider-man twisted around buildings, not paying attention to the breath-taking view as he instead tried to get them to the center of… whatever was going on. “What about honey? Pumpkin? Sugar bear?” As he spoke, the pair of them hit a block where the crowds of civilians congealed, clearly panicking over another villain-of-the-week archetype. This one had a water theme, and a row of water hydrants that lined the streets were popped open, flowing into the streets.
“No, no, and no. Can we focus here?” Spider-man shook his head, getting onto a store sign on one of the buildings about ten stories up to take in the scene below.
Wade carefully stepped off, standing on a different letter so the weight didn’t cause them to collapse. Evil Pool Boy had already done some damage, with a few wrecked cars and broken windows. The police had arrived, too, but not before - “Shit, he’s got hostages. Three people and - is one of them wearing an ‘I <3 New York” t-shirt? Wow. Whenever people come to visit they just don’t know the protocol for random attacks while in NYC, you know? Tourists.”
“He seems to be holding them in a block of water…?” Spider-man squinted, tilting his head as he tried to make sense of what he was seeing.
“Looks like they can breathe if they’re currently alive and not struggling.” Wade unsheathed his katanas, twirling them and testing the familiar weight in his hands; old friends, reunited.
“This guy might be able to alter the chemical balance of water. But maybe we can get them out.” Luckily they hadn’t been spotted yet; the villain was currently making demands to the police that had gathered around him.
The letter groaned under Wade’s feet and he shifted slightly closer to the building.
“So what’s the plan?”
Spider-man flicked through the web shooters attached to his wrists. “I’ve been working on a new type of webbing that can probably stop the water flow from the hydrants; that might cut off his source. You try to see if you can subdue the guy. No -”
“No killing, don’t worry baby boy, I got it.” Spider-man turned towards him. “Baby boy? Like, you’re my baby but I don’t want to emasculate you?”
Spider-man squinted at him. “I’ll have you know I’m very secure in my masculinity.”
“You know I figured the super heroing world would try to be more open and flexible, considering the skin tight tactical suits and miles of spandex? And all the male supers means that we’re just begging for unwitting homoerotic tension. But I’ve been proven wrong time and time again! It’s honestly a pain in the ass. Hah, oh man, I did not intend th - ACK!” The letter gave way, detaching from the building. He twisted in the air, and as he looked up, he saw Spider-man startle, reaching his arm out -
He flipped his katanas and dug them into the mortar of the building, slowing his fall just as Spider-man's webbing stuck to his calf.
“Don’t worry, I’m okay!” He shouted up to the other guy. “Man your aim sucks. Anticipate where I’m gonna go next, you know? Could’ve given me whiplash.”
Spider-man stared at him for a long moment. “Sorry.” He had a weird lilt to his voice. He turned back to the street. “He saw us, I’m heading down. Guess I’ll go for him first instead. Are you good?”
“Yeah, what’s another three stories?” The other man ripped the web from his shooter, letting it fall down the building so he and Deadpool were no longer connected. He swung off, and Deadpool heard the beautiful noise of a witty one liner by the spandex’d love of his life, followed by the tell-tale thwack! of a sharp kick to the villain’s face.
{I have the distinct feeling we just stumbled into some Traumatic Past}
[Ask him after we save him during the fight]
{And he’s in love with us]
After some pulling and probably spraining his wrists, he pulled his swords out of the building, stumbling on thin air and landing, very painfully, on a mailbox. His spine was kind of broken, so he was forced to watch, upside down, as Spider-man fought Dark Aquaman.
The guy looked like he was using a wand - at least it wasn’t a literal trident - to force the water up, using the velocity to bash Spider-man away after the lucky hit he landed. But the super was easily able to turn his momentum and redirect it as he swung around a nearby street sign, aiming himself at the water-controlling villain. They parlayed for a while like that; trading blows, both playing defense and keeping their distance.
“I can see you’re trying to make a splash with this whole super villain thing here,” Spider-man quipped as he landed a lucky punch.
“Booo!!” Wade called, his vertebrae cracking together in alignment once again. Water Boy sent a look his way, but considering he looked like he was now paralyzed, he focused back on the hero he was actively fighting.
“Everyone’s a critic,” said hero huffed, trying to web up the other, only to be blocked by a wave of water.
Wade rolled off the mailbox and fell to a crouch. He crept along the edge of the battle arena that had formed, taking a roundabout way to get to the hostages. As he got closer, he saw Spidey’s assessment was probably accurate; they looked like they were being suspended in a weird sort of jelly. In a flash he was reminded of perflubron and all those other oxygen enriched liquids; you could breathe in them, at least for a while, but it certainly didn’t feel like a pleasant adjustment. He would know; it was one of the more memorable Weapon X torture methods he had endured.
Suppressing a shiver, he strode over to the large cubes. “Hey,” he hissed. “Can you hear me? Can you move?” The ‘I <3 NY’ shirt guy blinked, and very slowly moved his head over his shoulder by a couple of inches. The other two - a man in a business suit and a woman in sweatpants with a few shopping bags trapped in the goo with her - only twitched their fingers and kicked their feet slightly. Whatever this stuff was, it kept them alive, but very limited in their movements.
Wade experimentally sliced a chunk off the cube. The blade went through it like jello at first, only to stiffen and become impossible to move once he had put more pressure in it. The substance formed back together almost immediately.
“Like water quicksand.” He banged on the gelatin block in front of him holding the young woman. “I’m gonna try to grab your legs and pull you out, okay? We gotta move slow.” He sheathed his swords and, double checking that Spider-man was still busy with his current opponent, plunged his hands in. “Ew, ew, ew, this is so weird. Eugh.” He wrapped his fingers around her ankles, pulling as slow as possible. Because it was a whole human, there was still resistance, and Wade definitely didn’t possess Spider-man’s strength or patience, but he managed in getting the woman’s feet, then calves, thighs, abdomen, chest, and finally, head all free, with only a few stubborn chunks of blueish goo to remind her of her ordeal.
[And PTSD]
{Or a weird new fetish}
Wade wrinkled his nose at that.
“Are you okay?” Wade asked, carrying her a few feet away and letting her sit against the side of a wrecked car. She nodded, only to immediately start coughing and throwing up that blue goo inside her lungs. “Okay, cool. I’m just gonna uh, go save more people. You’re doing great!” He signaled to a nearby police officer, who immediately rushed over to the woman and started getting her out of the area.
He managed to get business suit guy half out before a wave crashed over the gooey prisons. Wade shoved his hand into the substance to keep himself from getting washed away.
“Oh, come on!” he yelled, tugging his mask up so he could breathe a little easier.
“I can’t make demands without hostages!” Mountain Dew Code Blue shouted, waving his magic water wand around.
“Yeah, that’s the point.” Wade got up, keeping his katanas at the ready. He rushed at the other morally-bankrupt character, only to realize belatedly that, right, swords can’t cut through water. He was pushed back by another wave the strength of a firehouse, hitting a building on the other side of the street. At least the concussion and broken rib was enough of a distraction for Spider-man to swing back and do a repeat of that kick to the face he had landed on the guy at the start of his fight, calves and thighs bulging with muscle as he knocked some teeth out. God, Spider-man was fast. And strong. And totally dreamy. Obviously. He shook the remnants of the brain bleed away and staggered upwards. The hero was light on his feet as usual, keeping up the banter.
“Okay, I gotta ask - what’s the long game anyway?” Spider-man asked.
“People must pay for what they’ve done to the Earth! I’m sure you’ve seen it! In twenty years, climate change will be irreversible.”
“I, uh. Yeah?” Spider-man’s stance relaxed and he rubbed the back of his head. “But what does yelling in the street of New York do? Why don’t you go clean up an oil spill? Or stop all the water pollution that bottling companies cause?” The villain blinked. “I’m just saying you could be using your powers for good? And not harassing civilians who probably recycle.”
The other man paused.
Wade picked up one of his discarded swords and swung it in his grip, creeping closer to the other pair of supers.
“Don’t try to trick me! The world must be punished! Starting with y -” Wade threw his sword with expert precision. He could see the eyes of Spider-man’s mask widen with horror, only to relax when the hilt of the sword just conked the guy in the head, sending him sprawling to the ground, unconscious.
“You know what they say,” Wade started, crossing the street. “Some guys just don’t want to face the interlocking, complex network of economic, industrial, and social forces that alter the reality around us in horrific ways.” He picked up his swords as he went, grimacing at the goo still stuck to them and sticking them back in their sheaths. His whole suit needed a cleaning, anyway.
“I say that to myself every day,” Spider-man said, webbing up Shitty Namor. Wade couldn’t tell if he was being funny or he actually meant it.
“What was his name, anyway? I’m running out of H2O-based references to make in my head, here.”
“Uh. He said it was Styx.”
“What, like River Styx? That’s so lame! You can’t just steal shit from mythology and hope no one remembers.”
“I know, right?” A few nervous looking police officers came forward, now that the threat had been neutralized. They gave Wade a second, third, and fourth glance, but Spider-man was giving them a little finger salute and walking away, so Wade just followed him, and the cops didn’t trail after.
As they walked further down the street, he saw that the cubes of gelatinous water were slipping into a puddle, now that they didn’t have any master to control their shape. The other two hostages were getting pulled out of their jelly prisons by a few officers. Paramedics were waiting with shock blankets, and civilians were starting to creep around the parameter. “I like Deadpool, actually.” Spider-man said, abruptly. “It’s a good name, even if the imagery is… weird.”
“Oh, yeah, it was just, you know, a betting pool on who’d die on the next mission? Except I just couldn’t! Then I got fucked up by Weapon X - as you know, since you unlocked my tragic backstory on our fifth date - and then I really couldn’t die.”
“Huh. Well, you know, not bad. It has a ring to it.”
“I’m putting that on my website. Endorsed by Spider-man. Actually your name? A true classic, and not just because you’ve been kicking it since the 60s. Like, Spider-man - simple, you know what you’re expecting. Unless you’re thinking a man made of spiders -”
Spider-man turned his head towards him. “Sometimes people do think that.”
Deadpool stopped short. “Really?”
He shrugged. “Yeah. I let them believe it because when they think I can shoot a bunch of spiders at them, they usually stop whatever they’re doing and run off.” He let out a little chuckle, undoubtedly thinking back to moments when that really happened.
Wade put his hands to his face. “Oh my God. Devious and manipulative. I love it.” To his surprise, Spider-man didn’t lecture him on putting him in anything but a lawful good, holier-than-thou light. Instead he just snorted, turning his head back to the road.
“I think this is where I leave you for the night. Good job, Deadpool. I think I’m actually impressed.”
“Aw, but we were just bonding.”
“Well, if you keep up with the no-killing thing, we can bond more at a later date. I have some stuff to attend to.” He put his hand up, web shooter at the ready. He looked over his shoulder at Wade. “I’m sure we’ll cross paths real soon. Good luck on your Stark-sponsored mission. Bye!” And with that, he was gone, a red and blue and beautiful blur flinging through the city. Deadpool sighed, putting a hand over his heart.
“Wait. Mission?”
{Watching Peter Parker. Remember?}
Wade groaned; he was glad that Spider-man took the news well - more points to becoming a legitimate hero and Spider-man realizing that ~he’s been there the whole time~ and all that. But compared to fighting side by side with Spidey, watching a college student was going to be so boring .