Archive of Our Own ^beta

Before he can even glance at his surrounding environment, Atsushi already knows where he is. The bleak atmosphere of the orphanage was one that he knew well, and one that wasn't easily erased from his memory. He doesn't know why he's back in this horrible place, but he does know that he's not the only one occupying the room.

Familiar, dark figures tower over him, their silhouettes swallowing him up and casting him into darkness. There is nothing where their faces should be. No emotion, no expressions, no facial features to speak of. They appear to be little more than mannequins, something unreal and inhuman in the way that they loom before him. 

Yet the words that they speak, dripping with contempt and disgust, felt every bit as real as he remembered. He tries desperately to cover his ears, attempting to block out their angry verbal attack before it begins.

Worthless. 

Nothing triggers it, but suddenly the scenery is shifting and morphing, a collection of past rooms and events melting into one continuous sequence. Where one memory ends, another begins. The transition isn't seamless, but somehow that doesn't register to him. He only feels as helpless as he did back then, reduced to a child cowering away in the corner. 

Nuisance.

Phantom pains that should have long been forgotten flare back to life with a vengeance. A sharp sting across his cheek, the white hot flame of metal against his abdomen, a fine point digging into the flesh of his foot. He screams, but it acts as no better of a deterrent than his tears had. 

Useless.

A pair of yellow eyes flashes by quickly in the shadows. Deep rumbles are produced from within the endless depths. The creature stalks him, remaining unseen if not for the brief glimpses of white. He's alone, left to fend for himself, but it's still biding it's time. Waiting.

A scrape of claws sounds against cement, and fear has him unable to pull the breath he needs into his lungs. He thinks he spots fangs, and ever still the words of his tormentors play within his mind, heightened and echoing along with a vicious growl. Panic seizes his chest as they both start to grow louder. 

It would be better if you died in a ditch somewhere.

Atsushi's eyelids snapped open, springing up in bed just as piercing golden orbs had conquered the entirety of his sight. 

He inhaled deeply as he hurried to survey his surroundings. The room was dark, but the rays of moonlight that seeped in through the curtains illuminated the area around him. The recognition he garnered from spotting some of his personal items had him breathing more easily, assuring him that the images he'd seen had just been the result of a nightmare.

It hadn't been real. He was currently safe.

He sighed out, placing his face into his hands as he willed the last remaining vestiges of his dream to disappear. His heart wasn't thumping as painfully in his chest anymore, but that fear was steadily giving way to a sense of disappointment in himself. 

He removed the stifling covers off of his body, deciding that maybe some fresh air and a less confined space would do him some good. 

In times like this, he was glad that Kyouka no longer lived with him, having taken up residence with Yosano some months ago. He truly didn't wish to disturb her with his night terrors, since he had little doubt that she already experienced some of her own. 

He padded carefully across the room, overly cautious of those neighboring him as he moved towards the door and opened it. A gust of wind was the first thing that greeted him, and he relished in how it contrasted against his heated skin. 

The boy took a deep breath of the cool night air, releasing it as a sigh once he shut the door behind him. He took a few steps forward, stopping when he reached the railing. He sighed one more time, dropping his shoulders and resting his arms against the cold metal. 

This was ridiculous, wasn't it? To think that he was still suffering through nightmares of the orphanage even after he had been at the agency for more than a year now. He had a family now. People who genuinely cared about him, and who he loved deeply in return. Why did he still have to be so affected by a part of his life that was done and over with? 

Atsushi exhaled slowly after he finally managed to calm down, casting a tired gaze over the expanse of the yard. He was about to resign himself to go inside for another attempt at sleeping, until the sight of a pair of legs by one of the trees stopped him. 

Atsushi froze, an icy spike of fear running through him and sending his pulse pounding. He squinted to get a better look, and relaxed upon further inspection when he spotted familiar bandages wrapped around the ankles. 

Before he could even question what he was doing, he moved to descend down the stairs. 

It took no time for him to cross the yard, and within a minute he was standing off to the side of the tree. Just as he had suspected, Dazai was there. 

The older man was sitting on the ground, his back leaning against the rough bark behind him. His overcoat was folded in his lap, and he gave no indication that he had heard Atsushi approaching. He merely laid there with his eyes closed. Atsushi might have thought that he was sleeping if he didn't know any better. 

"Dazai-san?" he spoke up gingerly.

Dazai inclined his head, not seeming to be surprised by Atsushi's sudden appearance. His eyes remained closed even as he gave his subordinate a small smile. 

"Hello Atsushi-kun." 

"What are you doing out here?" the younger man asked curiously. 

"I was unable to sleep. Thought I would come out here for some air." Dazai tilted his neck upwards, lashes fluttering open to set his dark eyes upon Atsushi. "I'm guessing that the same goes for you." 

Atsushi shifted from one foot to the other, flashes of his dream still fresh in his mind. "You could say that." 

Dazai hummed as an acknowledgment of the younger's statement, his sight leaving Atsushi as silence fell over them. 

The teen nervously rubbed at his elbow, considering what he should do as the quiet stretched on. Leaving Dazai alone like this left an unpleasant taste in his mouth, but he couldn't imagine that his mentor would appreciate Atsushi being privy to such an uncommon moment of vulnerability. 

"Well?" 

Atsushi jolted, finding that Dazai was staring at him expectantly. Silver brows furrowed together in confusion. 

"Well...what?" he asked quizzically. 

Dazai chuckled at his reaction, reaching out to pat at the empty spot beside him. 

"I can only assume that neither of us is going back inside anytime soon. We might as well keep each other company," he explained smoothly. 

A burst of happiness lit up Atsushi's heart at the invitation, overpowering his surprise that Dazai actually wanted him to stay. 

He accepted the proffered spot, moving to sit next to Dazai on the ground. The grass was chillier than he expected, but the tentative brush of his leg against Dazai's own allowed him to feel the warmth of the other's skin through his clothes. Atsushi was left with a different kind of shiver as he drew his limbs closer to himself, striving to maintain the two's personal space. 

Dazai, however, didn't seem bothered by it. He didn't say anything as his subordinate sat beside him, oblivious to his plight. 

Atsushi peeked back at Dazai timidly, watching the man from the corner of his eyes. Dazai was silent as he stared straight ahead, his expression devoid of his usual cheerfulness. 

It was always strange to see him like this, to get that rare glimpse at a side of his mentor that Atsushi wasn't sure he was meant to see. It made Atsushi want to know more. What Dazai thought about on nights like this, what sort of dreams he had experienced to put such a melancholic expression on his face. 

Just how often did Dazai have these unpleasant dreams? It must have been frequent enough that Dazai had developed a sort of routine for whenever they occurred. To come out here this far from the dorms, hidden off to the side where he wouldn't easily be discovered, his coat folded and placed on his lap in case he should need it. 

Something twisted inside Atsushi's chest, a feeling that wasn't entirely based on sympathy. 

"What was it about?" 

The words were out of his mouth before Atsushi could process what he was saying. Dazai glanced back at him with interest. Atsushi was given a moment to stew in his embarrassment as a result of his carelessness, wondering if he should somehow backtrack. 

But the question was already out in the open, and he did want to know more about Dazai's current emotional state, so Atsushi may as well proceed. 

"Y-your dream, I mean. You must have had a bad one if you're outside like this. S-so if you wanted to talk about it or anything, then..." Atsushi trailed off awkwardly, feeling the tips of his ears beginning to burn. 

Dazai looked at him contemplatively, chocolate colored orbs scanning over Atsushi's face. 

"You're right." 

Atsushi's head shot up, turning a look of shock to Dazai. It wasn't much, but even the admittance of Dazai having a nightmare in the first place was something astounding. 

The other man grew more somber. 

"It was something I never wanted to experience again. The pain I felt even reliving it in my own mind was just too much to bear," he continued, before his voice tapered off into nothing. 

The weretiger was captivated as Dazai spoke, wide eyes gazing at his friend with concern. He leaned forward anxiously. 

"What happened?" he prompted carefully. 

The brunette's features contorted in agony before he cupped his cheek in his hand, breathing out shakily. 

"Kunikida-kun was on the war path. He was dragging me back to work for some overdue reports that I hadn't written!" 

Atsushi deadpanned, his facial features shifting into that of exasperation.

"Heh?"

Dazai continued on, decidedly more dramatic as he heaved an exhausted sigh. 

"It was truly awful, Atsushi-kun. Kunikida-kun is already relentless during work hours, now he's come to hunt me down and lecture me in my dreams as well." 

Atsushi shook his head, slumping back against the tree behind him. He shouldn't have expected anything else. Dazai had created a habit of turning serious situations into a joke. Atsushi should have already anticipated the he would do the same thing here as well, all to hide what sort of fears plagued his mind during the night. 

Still, he couldn't help the small hint of a smile as Dazai's gestures became more animated and lively. 

"Well, if it's anything like reality, then dream you probably deserved it," Atsushi replied lightly. 

Dazai gaped at him incredulously. 

"I'm absolutely wounded. Out of everyone, I thought at least you would be on my side," he lamented. "I'll have you know that my dream self was doing nothing wrong. Dream Kunikida-kun merely has it out for me." 

"What about you in real life then?" Atsushi countered teasingly. 

Dazai absentmindedly waved his hand in the other's direction. 

"That's of little importance. It's neither here nor there, Atsushi-kun," he deflected, coaxing a quick laugh from the boy beside him. 

The mood around them lifted as Dazai began to recount even more of his dreams, adding in something about an annoying chihuahua with a hat. 

Atsushi's lips twitched upwards as he watched Dazai in amusement, contributing his own commentary to certain parts of Dazai's speech. It was pretty nice, even if the story was only a fabrication made up by Dazai. The melancholic atmosphere around them had dissipated, leaving them both with fond smiles even as their conversation waned and drifted off into silence. 

Atsushi exhaled slowly, eyelids slipping shut as he listened to the chirping of a nearby cricket. 

"What about you?" 

Atsushi's eyes blinked back open at the sudden question. 

"Huh?" 

"You had an unpleasant dream as well, didn't you Atsushi-kun? What was yours about?" Dazai inquired. 

Atsushi fidgeted as he recounted his nightmare. His hand fell to the ground to tug absently at the grass.

"My life before I came to the agency. About the orphanage, mostly," he confessed, shifting to bring his knees to his chest. "It was nothing that I haven't dreamed about before, but it just seems stupid to be having them now."

"What makes you say that?" Dazai questioned, frowning faintly. 

"Because it is. That part of my life is over, so I should have been able to get past this, right? Akutagawa even told me the same thing once before. 'The past has nothing to do with who you are now'," he explained. 

"Did he?" Dazai asked with a minuscule flicker of amusement. "That does indeed sound like something he would say." 

"I just don't get it," Atsushi admitted. "They can't do anything to hurt me anymore. I have everyone here at the agency, too. So why do these memories keep coming back?" 

He buried his face into his knees, mumbling the last parts mostly to himself. For a while everything was perfectly still, and he wondered whether Dazai had even heard him. 

Bandages brushed against his arm as Dazai reclined back. His arm didn't move away from Atsushi's own. In fact, the pressure increased marginally as they sat together. 

"It's not something you can help." 

The soft tone of Dazai's voice as he spoke drew Atsushi in, causing him to slowly resurface from his hiding place. He couldn't quite bring himself to look at the older man, but he did allow himself to latch onto the comfort that his words brought. 

"That's the thing about nightmares -- they follow you everywhere. Unlike the distraction from our everyday lives, however, there's nothing that can ward them off whenever you sleep. Bringing back every terror you've ever felt, past mistakes, all of your regrets. They get pushed to the very forefront of your unconscious mind, no matter how much time has gone by. No matter how much you've tried to fix them." 

A warm weight settled atop Atsushi's head, causing the boy to startle slightly. He peeked over at Dazai curiously, not voicing an objection to the hand placed at the crown of his head. 

Dazai didn't acknowledge Atsushi's questioning glance as he only continued to stare forward, but there was a tiny smile toying at the corners of his mouth. 

"Believe it or not, I do understand how you feel, Atsushi-kun. You're not alone with this." 

He didn't say anything else to follow this statement. He merely decided to softly ruffle his companion's hair, eyes raising to gaze at the night sky above them.

It felt like Atsushi should say something in regards to Dazai's words, but nothing came to mind. Nothing that wouldn't potentially shatter the air of understanding that had risen between them. 

A companionable silence filled the spaces between the two, and it would seem like a shame to break it. Maybe in this instance, words just weren't necessary. 

Besides, it was getting harder for Atsushi to think as Dazai's hand continued to gently smooth over his hair. It was a comforting gesture, one that was quickly turning Atsushi into putty the longer that it went on. 

Atsushi's shoulders began to droop, the tension seeping out of his body as he relaxed. The rough bark of the tree digging into his back might normally bother him, but he couldn't find it in himself to really care. Not when Dazai's fingers were now carding through his silver locks of hair, lulling Atsushi into a soothing state. 

The younger male's eyelids grew heavy, the tiredness catching up to him as his eyesight began to blur around the edges. The last thing that Atsushi registered was the soft touches to his hair, and his cheek meeting something firm before he drifted off to sleep.

***************

The melodic chirping of nearby birds and the rustling of tree branches was the first thing that Atsushi heard as he began to drift back into consciousness. Gentle rays of sunshine fell between the gaps of the leaves, heating over Atsushi's skin and thoroughly warming him. Atsushi carefully peeked open one eye against the light of the sun, feeling peaceful in a way that he hadn't in a while. 

His back protested as he reached up to stifle a yawn, and it was only then that he noticed the heavy weight nestled against the top of his head. 

Atsushi stiffened, realizing he could see a bit of chocolate brown in his peripheral vision. He craned his neck as carefully as he was capable of, just enough to confirm that it was Dazai's hair tickling against the bridge of his nose, and that the taller man was sleeping with his head sweetly resting against Atsushi's own. 

A panicked scan over their bodies gave Atsushi more details on just how intimate of a position they had found themselves in. He had drifted off with his head leaning against Dazai's shoulder, that much he had figured out. But Dazai's overcoat had also been draped over their legs and midsections, providing them with slight protection against the outside air. 

Dazai's arm was wrapped loosely around his shoulder, bringing Atsushi to burrow more deeply into the other man's side. Atsushi flushed a brilliant red, unsure of what to do. Should he wake Dazai up? But then, how would he even go about explaining this? 

Though, really, Atsushi had been the one to fall asleep first. Did that mean that Dazai hadn't minded being used as an impromptu pillow? Or maybe he just hadn't wanted to relocate Atsushi and risk waking him up? He could be oddly considerate when the mood struck him. 

Although now that he thought about it, sleeping outside like this probably wasn't a good idea for either of them. Maybe it would be a better idea to wake Dazai after all. 

Then the question remained: how would he greet him? Should he feign nonchalance, apologize, perhaps? No, neither of those options seemed quite right...

The decision was made for him a moment later when Dazai stirred, shifting against Atsushi. The boy bit back a small yelp, instead scrambling away as Dazai's eyes blinked open. 

Tired caramel orbs regarded him for a second before Dazai sat up fully and stretched his arms above his head. 

"Good morning," he said.

"G-good morning," Atsushi stammered out, watching the other cautiously. 

What should he do now? Should he say something? Should he wait to see if Dazai says something first? And if Dazai doesn't bring it up, then would that be Atsushi's cue to just let the subject go in order to forget about it? But then-

"Atsushi-kun." 

The boy jumped, straightening his posture in order to appear attentive. 

"Ah! Y-yes?" 

"If this sort of thing happens again, I vote that we use one of our dorms to sleep in," Dazai stated before releasing a sigh. "Sleeping against a tree like this hasn't exactly been the kindest on my back." 

Atsushi blinked, his cheeks growing pink as he processed the meaning behind Dazai's words. 

"Uh, no. I guess it wouldn't be." 

Dazai hadn't complained about the fact that they had been nuzzled close together while they were sleeping, he only brought up that such a position wasn't good for their posture. Did that mean that Dazai hadn't truly minded the position that they had woken up in?