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Hizashi had always been a kind of enigma to Shouta. From the very moment that they had met. Hizashi just was… a walking conflict – had been for as long as Shouta had known him. Two sides of the same coin in one person.
The blond man was loud, exuberant and a true blabber mouth, yet he was incredibly good at listening when it was needed – he had a kind of intuition for when to push people out of their comfort zone and when it was better to just leave something be. Of when to give an aiding hand and when to wait for someone to make the decision themselves.
He was animated and enthusiastic and incredibly emotional and had an undeniable love for gossip, many people were quick to label him as ditzy or an airhead. They felt validated by Hizashi's casual way of speech, his colourful and sometimes mismatched clothes, his blond hair… his enjoyment of life…
But Shouta knew better. He was familiar with Hizashi's craving for knowledge. Hizashi was a curious person by nature and Shouta sometimes found himself worrying that the other man – in his pursuit for knowledge – might disregard his own safety or do something stupid.
Sometimes the blond man was like a moth drawn to a flame, ready to risk that his wings might be burned off simply because he was intrigued by the strange, flickering shine he saw. The worst was that, once something had caught Hizashi's attention, he was incredibly stubborn, he wouldn't stop poking and prodding until he had what he wanted – whatever that might be.
Yet no matter how often Shouta said: ‘Curiosity killed the cat’ - in a flat tone, yet fuelled by genuine concern – Hizashi would just always glibly answer: ‘But satisfaction brought it back’.
But even a cat only had nine life's… and Shouta was worried when Hizashi might reach that ninth, final, chance… and when he would decide to throw it away because something or else had piqued his interest.
Hizashi could be very childish, acting like a young – somewhat spoiled – boy yet at the same time he would be serious when he wanted to be – mature and thoughtful in a way that still managed to look somewhat jovial and easy without seeming patronizing. That was probably one of the reasons why his classes liked him so much. Children, after all, knew when someone thought them beneath them and they would react accordingly – with spite and sarcasm and disinterest – but Hizashi had always found a middle ground between ‘equal’ and ‘adult in charge’.
He had a temper as well – and oh, it was a truly nasty one. Hizashi had a sharp tongue and he wasn't afraid to wield it like a wicked dagger. He would curse and yell and hiss when someone tried his patience – he could be angry and argumentative, bossy and competitive and a horribly sore loser…
But then again, Shouta had never ever seen Hizashi lashing out at someone who didn't deserve it. Hizashi could be patient like a saint if it came to children or young adults or people who genuinely didn't know better.
He would sit down and explain, and explain, and explain – he would repeat himself once, twice, thrice… as often as he needed to in as many different words as he was able to. It was impressive no doubt – especially when Shouta knew the dichotomy between Hizashi's tempers, when he knew what lurked just beneath the surface.
Because the people who should know better? The ones that – even after being corrected – just couldn't take a hint or were unwilling to take responsibility? Now that was fair game for Hizashi, and it wouldn't be the first time he had landed in the gossip column of some hero magazine because of his attitude and his snide remarks.
Hizashi was strangely bright even on his gloomy days – he smiled and acted silly even when life was kicking down on him – for the sake of his fans and everyone who might look up to him, for his friends and – maybe most impressive – for himself.
In short: Hizashi was, plain and simple, amazing. Sometimes even awe inspiring.
Hizashi was a force of nature, an unstoppable object and even Shouta had been unable to fight against the vortex like pull of Hizashi's personality. Sure, he had tried for a few months, in their first year at UA, but Hizashi had been as persisted back then as he was now – irritating, yet at the same time not… pushy but not truly forceful. And in the end the constant dripping had just worn the stone away.
It had still taken a few weeks but once Shouta caught a glimpse of Hizashi, once he had truly seen him, noticed him – and all his vibrant facets that shone in different colours like the pearls inside a kaleidoscope – well, how could he have not fallen hopelessly in love?
Looking back now it was obvious that it had been something inescapable, inevitable like the daily dawn break and yet… back then, in his teenage years, it had taken Shouta utterly by surprise. One moment he had been looking at Hizashi, at his best friend and the way the blond boy had slapped his hand against his knee while he had laughed – and the next moment everything had felt like someone had just added the last missing cog in a clockwork. Like some kind of revelation.
And since that day, whenever Shouta looked at Hizashi his heart just seemed to double its pace, expectant, and nervous and utterly infatuated. Shouta knew he had fallen that day, fallen hard and deep and the impact had rattled his heart around in his chest in a way he hadn't felt again since then – was sure he would never feel again with another person.
Sometimes, in the right light, Hizashi looked like he was glowing – the way the sun would hit his blond hair in summer, turning it into spun gold, and the way it would frame Hizashi's face like a gilded frame around a magnificent and priceless painting.
And all Shouta could do in those moments was to stare – drink in the ethereal shine – while his chest did its best to expand and collapse at the same time, causing a painfully sweet ache.
Shouta remembered that – after his realization back when he had still been a teenage boy – he had spent the following two years at UA wondering about his emotions – wondering how he should approach them, wondering how he should approach Hizashi, wondering what would be the most logical route to take.
He wasn't embarrassed to admit that he had never been the best with figuring emotions out and that had been doubly true for his teenage self.
In the end his teenage self had reached the conclusion that the best decision would be to simply confess. It had seemed the most logical path – after all it was more rational to be upfront and honest and get a clear answer than to remain in a sort of uncertain limbo; a kind of Schrödinger's cat scenario where the answer could both be ‘yes’ or ‘no’ as long as Shouta didn't take the first step and opened the lid of the box to take a peek.
Back then he had had decided that confessing sooner rather than later meant that if Hizashi said no he would at least know where they both were at and they would be able to both move on with their respective life’s. And if Hizashi said yes? Well, then Shouta would rather start the relationship as early as possible so both of them wouldn't have to wait around uselessly and waste their time pining after each other like idiots for maybe years.
In the here and now Shouta let out a soft sigh – he had been a foolish boy back then, blinded by Hizashi's smile and his own fluttering heart… Truly, he should have known better.
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Shouta let out a frustrated huff as he combed a hand through his hair, he followed the length of his hair and then let his palm rest against the side of his neck, his fingers playing with the soft hair at his nap.
He had wanted to confess to Hizashi much sooner but there just always seemed to be something set on interrupting them… or Hizashi had something else on his mind, or it wasn't the right place, or there were too many other people around…
… Or Shouta was too nervous to form the words he wanted to say – his tongue too heavy and unwieldy in his mouth to be of any real use. But even despite all the uncalled for interruptions and Shouta's own obvious limitations when it came to matters of the heart, he wasn't about to let himself be deterred.
To be honest he wasn't too confident that Hizashi might actually say yes. After all Hizashi was a lot of things that Shouta simply wasn't – in a sense it wouldn't be too far fetched to call them mirror images to each other.
It went from their characters and personalities – Hizashi's talent for talk and conversation opposed to Shouta's direct way of speech and his disdain for unnecessary blabber; Hizashi's bright and positive attitude as opposed to Shouta's more realistic world view; Hizashi's clear and open emotions as opposed to Shouta's more logical character that often disregarded what he thought of as minor or unimportant feelings – down to the very way they dressed, Hizashi in his flashy, modern and often tight clothes and then there was Shouta with his monochrome, mostly black colours, wearing sweaters and sweatpants and pullovers – anything comfortable and loose fitting.
To Shouta it was rather obvious that Hizashi could do a lot better than him … but then again you could never know if you didn't try. Yes, Hizashi might say no, but he might also say yes – just because the scale seemed to tip into one direction more than the other didn't mean that the more unlikely outcome was completely impossible to achieve.
Still, he would have wished for his chance to come a little earlier. Maybe not the last day of school? That would have been nice.
He let out another soft sigh. Well, beggars couldn't be choosers. Better now than never, it wasn't like he could change the past so it was just better to look at the present and towards the future.
Shouta was started out of his musings by the movements around him. His gaze rose and he noticed that everyone around him was getting up. Oh, it seemed he had completely tuned out the last few graduation speeches.
Well, not that it mattered much. The speeches were the same drivel every year and just because his class was in the spot light this time around didn't make Shouta any more receptive to the boring droning and the stiff traditions of the ceremony.
He stood up from his seat, stretching his neck a little to get the muscles there to loosen up again. What a waste of time. At least he would get his official hero licences tomorrow – brand new and freshly pressed. Just like Hizashi.
The other… man? - they were already eighteen after all, going on nineteen, still, it was a little strange to suddenly think of both of them as adults when only a few months back their biggest concern had been what to do on the weekends – had passed the written exam of the course with the highest score of the year, and the score of his practical exam hadn't been bad either.
Shouta watched as Hizashi beside him stood up as well and he braced himself, now or never. He took a deep breath and was about to invite Hizashi to come on a walk with him – away from all the current bustle around them so they could be alone for a while. But Hizashi – being his usual high-energy self, the social butterfly of their old? class – seemingly had other ideas.
“You know-” the blond man started, a wide grin on his face, his tone was coy “with the ceremony done the party can start.”
Party? For a second Shouta was confused until he realized what Hizashi was saying. Both hero course classes had planned a graduation party… Shouta should have expected that the prospect of a big, loud get-together was right up Hizashi's alley.
“Now?” Shouta asked, rather put out but Hizashi just grinned back at him.
“We are free for the rest of the day. You know what they say, the early bird catches the worm.” Hizashi sing-songed.
“And the second mouse gets the cheese.” Shouta dead-panned right back “It’s the middle of the day.” he added after a second, tone flat. Really, he wouldn't have such a problem accompanying Hizashi to the graduation party if he could just have some time alone with the other man before it started – so he could confess the one thing that he had tried to confess for close to two years now.
“It’s late afternoon. Very late afternoon. Early evening in fact.” Hizashi corrected him glibly “Come on it will be fun!” he was nearly whining “Please Shou-chan!”
Shouta grit his teeth, his jaw jumped and then, after a few seconds, he let out a sigh as he deflated. Curse his soft heart! He gave a grunt in agreement and Hizashi beside him let out triumphant – and very loud – shout.
Shouta huffed out a sigh as Hizashi dragged him along for a ride he didn't even really wanted to participate in. He was just completely besotted wasn't he?
When they arrived at their destination – not the first to join but certainly not the last either – it turned out that someone had brought a sizeable stash of alcohol along. Shouta found himself idly contemplating why the legal age for drinking in Japan was still 20 – while everyone else around him got more and more drunk as time went on.
Shouta was 18 right now, he would get his hero licence tomorrow and off he would be – into the world of heroes where he could be killed in some freak accident or some unfortunate turn of event long before he might even reach legal drinking age.
A rather strange thought – he could go out and get himself killed with 18 yet he legally wasn't allowed to drink – now that's a discrepancy if he ever saw one.
The slogging afternoon turned into an equally slogging evening for Shouta – he swore he could feel his nerve fraying bit by bit the more time passed. There were too many drunk people screaming over each other and too many people who kept shoving drinks into his hands. Shouta only sipped on a glass here or there before passing it on again to another person.
While some liquid courage might not be too bad, he also didn't want to be drunk off his ass and mess the important bits up… if he still got the chance to actually do what he had wanted to do today. It seemed more and more unlikely that he would get his wishes… another wasted opportunity.
Somewhere in the crowd he was able to make out Hizashi's loud laugh – it sounded more like a giggle really – and Shouta found that he couldn't quite suppress a small smile of his own. Hizashi's laugh just had that effect on him, it just forced a sympathetic smile onto his own face.
Even if Shouta was irritated at the turn of events and the rather radical change to his careful plans, he really couldn't be too angry about it, after all, this was Hizashi in his element. Entertaining people, working the crowd up, seeing and being seen…
Hizashi obviously had fun so really, how could Shouta have felt anything but fondness when he saw Hizashi's up-styled hair pop up here or there over the heads of the other people in the room?
It was already close to midnight when Shouta finally managed to get Hizashi separated from the crowd and, with a little bit of urging, he had actually managed to convince the other man that it might be a good idea to leave while the vibe and the mood of the party was still positive – before the atmosphere could possibly turn.
The walk to Hizashi's home was everything but silent – Hizashi seemingly had much too much energy and – coupled with the fact that he appeared slightly drunk – it was rather obvious that the other man wouldn't shut up any time soon. He was talking without pause and jumped from one topic to the next in ways that Shouta couldn't quite understand or follow.
For a while Shouta wondered if he shouldn't postpone his confession until tomorrow – when Hizashi would be sober again. They had planned to get their licences together after all and they could go visit a cafe afterwards, walk around the mall a little – have some kind of not-quite-date. Maybe that would make Hizashi feel more positive towards a possible relationship?
If Hizashi saw how good they fit together and how easily their dynamic could be changed to include a romantic spark alongside their platonic friendship then maybe he would overlook some of Shouta's personal flaws – like his problems with interpersonal communication, or the fact that he was somewhat emotionally constipated, or his always present hyper-vigilance that he was just unable to turn off completely.
Despite his sudden doubts Shouta didn't really want to wait any longer. If this time wasn't the right time then next time wouldn't be the right time either, and neither would the time after that be any good… and this kind of argument would just drag on and on until both Hizashi and him were old and grey. That was just the very nature of excuses like that.
Thankfully the somewhat cool night air and the rather long walk to Hizashi's home seemed to work in Shouta's favour and by the time they finally reached the familiar building Hizashi had sobered up again – at least mostly.
His blabber had slowed and his cheeks were not quite as flushed as they had been when they had left the party, his words also sounded less wobbly and slurred. It seemed like he had went from ‘drunk’ to ‘maybe slightly tipsy’.
“Are your parents home tonight?” Shouta asked, looking up the facade of Hizashi's home – there were no lights on anywhere.
“Nah.” Hizashi answered and then a moment later, as if he couldn't quite stop himself he continued “Dad’s on a business trip and mom texted me this morning to tell me she would have to stay longer at work – she probably fell asleep on the office couch again.” Hizashi shrugged.
Shouta gave a soft grunt in answer – that was just typical of Hizashi's parents. Their son had graduated and instead of them making sure they were home to congratulate him both of them were off working.
For a second Shouta hesitated – Hizashi was by now making his way up the stairs to the front door – and in the end Shouta followed him up the first few before he stopped – a few stairs still between them, like a kind of safety gap.
“Do you mind if I stay tonight?” he asked, his heart was beating in his throat. He didn't want to let the opportunity slip past him but he also wouldn't try and force it. If Hizashi said no then that was a no and Shouta would just have to cut his losses and try again at a later time.
“Yeah, sure.” Hizashi said easily and opened the door. He stepped in and Shouta followed. Hizashi closed the door behind them again and both of them pulled their shoes off.
“Do you want anything to drink or eat?” Hizashi asked as they passed by the door to the kitchen but Shouta simply shook his head.
“No.” he answered. He felt strangely nervous all of a sudden and eating was the last thing on his mind.
“I think I'm going to get myself a water, my mouth is like, super dry. You know? Like my tongue is just sticking to the roof of my mouth and stuff.” Hizashi gave back after a second, he made kind of u-turn, turning on his heel and walking back towards the kitchen “You can go on up, you don't have to wait for me.” Hizashi half shouted out of the kitchen and Shouta nodded – redundantly, after all it wasn't like the other boy could see him right now.
For a second Shouta remained where he was and then he continued on his way. He took the stairs up to Hizashi's room. His heart seemed to beat faster and faster with every step he took – and it had absolutely nothing to do with physical exertion. He was becoming nervous and he found himself questioning if this was truly the right time for a confession… but he had already come so far.
Hizashi and him were alone, in the middle of the night and the other mans parents weren't home – the chance of someone interrupting Shouta – like all those other times before – was slim to non-existent. If he didn't do it now he might not get another chance like this any time soon.
But that knowledge did nothing to make him feel any more relaxed. He opened the door and stepped into Hizashi's room – for some bizarre reason he felt like he was intruding – and for a moment he simply stood in the middle of the room wondering where he should sit.
Hizashi's writing chair? No, that seemed too formal and closed off for some reason. The bed? That was too presumptuous and furthermore… the bed seemed much too intimate all of a sudden. The thought made Shouta's nerves flare up even more.
The floor in front of the bed? Well that at least seemed familiar. Shouta often sat in that spot – a book or some homework or else in his hands – while Hizashi lay on his stomach on the bed, reading over Shouta's shoulder. Both of them exchanging thoughts in low voices – no need to shout when they were so close together after all. It was a normal position for both of them.
Still… even that thought felt strange all of a sudden. If Shouta sat down in front of the bed Hizashi would likely bent over him like he always did – he would be so close then – and Shouta didn't quite know if he would be able to work up the courage to confess if the other man was in his space like that.
“You know you can sit down, yeah?” a voice suddenly spoke up from behind Shouta and he barely suppressed a flinch. He threw a look over his shoulder.
Hizashi stood behind him, holding a water bottle in one hand. He stepped into the room, around Shouta and sat himself down onto the bed. He placed the bottle on the night stand “Man, I'm really tuckered out.” he yawned “I’m still feeling a little drunk but like, it’s more tired drunk than hyperactive drunk. You know?” Hizashi said while he patted the spot beside him – a clear invitation.
“Like, with the others around I felt so awake and full of energy, like I wouldn't be able to sleep at all tonight, but now? I just kinda want to curl up but I'm still so bouncy you know? Like I haven't fully come down yet.” Hizashi continued, he bounced up and down on the mattress for a few moment as if to emphasise his point.
The lights were out but there was enough light pouring into the room through the window – the street lamps outside bathing the room in a soft glow. Shouta swallowed. Hizashi looked beautiful like this – the dim light casting shadows on his face, highlighting his high cheekbones and the upturn of his nose.
Hizashi took off his tinted glasses and instead reached for his normal, casual pair that was laying on the night stand – in the few seconds where his gaze was unobscured his electric green eyes seemed to positively glow in the low light flooding in from the street, they seemed nearly unnatural like this.
To Shouta the room suddenly seemed too warm, maybe a little stiflingly even. Everything was dark, and soft, and cozy – this shared space was now evoking a feeling intimacy that it had never done before – not in this way. Shouta felt his heartbeat in his throat, felt the pule under his very fingernails. He swallowed and stepped forward.
He let himself sink onto Hizashi's bed – leaving a good bit of distance between them. He watched mutely as Hizashi's started combing his hand trough his hair, ruining the gelled up-do – maybe on purpose – a few fair strands flopped over his face.
“Do you want pyjamas? I'm sure I can find something more loose fitting for you.” Hizashi suddenly asked and he was already up and about before Shouta could even answer. It seemed that there was still some excess energy in the other man.
Shouta watched as the other man rummaged around his wardrobe – he pulled out two pairs of sweatpants and two shirts. He threw one pair towards Shouta and kept the other pair in his hands.
“Man… I probably should wash my hair but I have like, zero motivation.” Hizashi laughed and pulled his shirt over his head. He flung it into a corner of the room and then pulled on his sleep shirt “I’ll probably stick to the pillow tomorrow but, eh, that's a problem for future me.” the blond man went on and set on removing his jeans “Future me is probably going to think that past me was a right dick” he giggled.
Shouta averted his eyes from the scene that unfolded before him, he felt like he was intruding on Hizashi's privacy for some reason – he felt awkward.
Should he start changing as well? But then he would be in sleep clothes. What if he confessed to Hizashi and the other man was offended by it? What if he felt weird or unsafe afterwards and wanted Shouta to leave?
Shouta felt himself starting to fidget – something he usually never did – he let out a frustrated breath of air, one of his hands coming up to comb through his hair before it settled in the nook of his neck, his fingers twisting at the soft follicles at his nap.
He let his hand sink down into his lap again after a few moments. He clutched the clothes Hizashi had given him tightly with both his hands – absent-mindedly… lost in his own thoughts. He looked up when he felt the mattress beside him dip, his eyes settling back on Hizashi – now fully clothed again in his pyjamas.
The other boy looked soft like this – his eyelids slightly drooping from exhaustion, a slight grin pulling the corners of his mouth up, his red framed, casual glasses perched on his nose and his up-do just completely mussed, strands of his hair flopping about with each movement of his head.
It felt downright domestic and Shouta found himself wishing that this would be something he would be able to see every evening from now on, for the rest of his life – oh, how he wanted, how he hoped… yearned.
He swallowed, his throat clicked dryly.
Hizashi, quite unaware of Shouta's inner struggle, flopped back, stretching out on his bed, his legs still hanging over the edge – feet touching the ground.
Shouta's grip on the clothes in his hands tightened. Now or never.
“Hizashi-” he started, his voice sounding rough to his own ears – slightly uneven.
“Mh?” Hizashi hummed inquisitively, his eyes were half lidded, following Shouta's movements lazily.
Shouta opened his mouth but no sound came out and after a second he closed it again. He hesitated for a second – he usually wasn't the kind of person who was at a loss for what to say, he usually knew what he wanted, he was blunt and honest, he simply wasn't the type of person to mince words – something that had often lead to people finding him off putting.
But right now he truly didn't know what he should say. Then again, maybe it wasn't as complicated as he thought it was – maybe he should just be as direct as always, there was no sense pussyfooting around the issue after all.
“Hizashi-” Shouta started again “We have grown very close over the last few years.” was that too much already? But it was the truth “You have become a constant in my life and someone I enjoy spending all my free time with.” he took a deep breath “I love you.” he said slowly, pronouncing each word, making sure Hizashi would understand every syllable.
It was deadly quiet for a few heartbeats after Shouta's confession and Shouta gripped the clothes in his lap so tightly he was afraid he might rip them any second now. Hizashi blinked up at him owlishly, his face slightly confused, his brows drawn down as if he couldn't quite make sense of the words he had just hears… and then his face brightened up into a smile.
“You old softy!” he giggled, he sat himself up and leaned over so he could wrap his arms around Shouta. For a moment Shouta was completely stiff but then his posture relaxed, the tense line of his shoulders loosened. Did that mean that Hizashi…?
“Of course I love you too!” Hizashi tittered and Shouta raised his arms as if on autopilot, tentatively wrapping them around Hizashi's back and hugging the other man closer. He let his head sink a little till he could rest his cheek against Hizashi's shoulder.
He closed his eyes and let out a soft sigh. He felt like an astronomical weight had just been lifted off of him, like he could finally breath again after being underwater for the longest time. His heart felt so light, it fluttered in his chest – soft, like butterfly wings – as an indescribable warmth flooded through him.
He found himself grinning like a madman, quite happy that Hizashi couldn't see the – probably rather creepy, as always – smile on his face right now. But he just felt so giddy, he had never felt this happy before in his life. His arms squeezed the other man tighter, he curled his body around Hizashi's slighter frame.
Shouta couldn't believe it. He couldn't believe how lucky he had gotten. He couldn't believe Hizashi loved him back – it was like a dream had come true.
Slowly Hizashi pulled away from him, he had a goofy, slightly crooked smile on his face and it looked gorgeous on him. Shouta's gaze flickered between Hizashi's eyes for a second before falling down to his mouth – he felt his heartbeat picking up again, the soft beat of wings morphing into something much different, changing into a loud, fast thrum – a kind of excited fear.
He had never kissed someone before after all. Sure, he knew how it worked in theory but he didn't quite know how to translate that into action. Hopefully Hizashi wouldn't make fun of him for his inexperience.
Shouta had simply never felt this connected to someone before – had never before wanted to know someone so intimately, had never before felt the desire to be close to anther person like this; vulnerable and open. So, subsequently he had also never before tried to pursue a relationship – or tried to kiss someone for that matter… not until now at least.
“God you’re so sentimental.” Hizashi suddenly giggled and Shouta raised his eyes from the other mans mouth back to his eyes – he couldn't quite suppress a smile of his own. Something about Hizashi's laugh just always prompted that reaction in him.
“You know you don't have to specifically say it.” Hizashi went on and Shouta's smile fell a little. Had Hizashi known from the beginning? About his feelings? But if he had known then why had he never made a move? Why had he never shown any kind of interest in taking their friendship further? Was it because he hadn't wanted to pressure Shouta? Or maybe-
“I mean, of course I love you! You’re like, my best friend – my bestest friend. I didn't think you would ever spell it out like this. I mean, don't take this the wrong way, it’s nice to have it black on white, more or less. I mean, there’s no paper or anything involved it’s just verbal but I mean, you know what I’m trying to say here. But you know? I already knew that you liked me as a person. I mean, you wouldn't have stuck around that long if you didn't. I know we are friends. You don't have to actually tell me.” Hizashi prattled on “Oh!” he suddenly breathed “Is that why you seemed so nervous tonight?” he let out a giggle “You really didn't have to.”
Shouta blinked, and then blinked again and then the situation finally sank in, the meaning of Hizashi's words fully registered in his brain. For a second, fuelled by utter confusion, he opened his mouth, ready to clarify… but then he closed it again.
A heartbeat passed and then there was ice washing through his veins. He pulled his arms back – releasing Hizashi from the soft embrace he had held him in.
Ah, Shouta thought to himself, his inner voice lacking any and all kinds of inflection, nothing more than a monotone. Hizashi thought Shouta had meant ‘I love you as a friend’.
Well, that made… sense, he assumed. After all Hizashi was so far out of his league why would the other man ever even think for a moment that Shouta meant anything else but friendship? Looking at it from that perspective… It was nearly hilarious, really. He was simply so far beneath Hizashi that the blond man wouldn't even for a second entertain the thought that Shouta might have meant ‘love’ in a romantic sense and not a platonic one.
Shouta let his head sink a little, looking at the clothes in his lap. At least this way he knew where he was at. He had confessed and Hizashi – unbeknown to himself – had rejected him.
Ironically, this was actually the best turn of event that Shouta could have hoped for. Hizashi was non the wiser and Shouta could just simply laugh it off as being somewhat drunk and emotional at two in the morning. Everything would stay the same and yet Shouta had still gotten his answer. Truthfully, in a very depressing kind of way this was a win-win situation.
Despite that knowledge Shouta couldn't help but feel like someone had just slapped him in the face. He felt confused and hurt – because of the rejection, sure, but also because of Hizashi's reaction to his words. Truly, did Hizashi know him so little?
Shouta normally didn't even really take the word ‘like’ into his mouth. He was awkward when it came to people, he didn't much like socializing, or parties, or talking… Hizashi should have known that this wasn't meant as a platonic ‘I love you’. He should have known that Shouta wasn't the kind of person who would ever throw a word like ‘love’ around willy-nilly like that.
But he didn't. Hizashi didn't know…
For a second Shouta wondered how much their friendship was actually worth. His chest felt like it was caving in and his heart struggled to beat – he felt a strange kind of phantom pain in his stomach as if someone had just stabbed him.
Maybe he had just been some interesting pastime all along – a kind of challenge for Hizashi to try his hand on, to see if he could get Shouta to like him. Well, he had managed to do just that, quite successfully too in fact, Shouta thought sardonically.
He twisted the clothes in his hands, his fingers curling into themselves – into a tight clutch – and in the end he stood up stiffly. He felt like he couldn't breath – he needed air, he needed space – he heard his blood roaring in his ears, felt his pulse under his fingernails. There was a lump in his throat and his eyes felt hot yet he was secure in the knowledge that they would be unable to water no matter how much he might want to cry – at least his chronically dry eyes had some positive side effects.
“I’m going to sleep on the couch.” Shouta declared, already turning to walk towards the door.
“Oh crap! I forgot to pull the futon out of the wardrobe.” Hizashi said, one part amused one part apologetic “Wait here, I’ll get it.” he said and Shouta could hear the bed springs creaking behind him.
He grit his teeth, his jaw jumping for a moment “It’s fine.” he grit out “We’re both tired and it’s more logical to just sleep on the couch than to set up the futon now.” he tried to reason but in all actuality Shouta just couldn't bear the thought of staying in the same room as Hizashi right about now.
He needed some space, he needed to think. He could feel himself getting emotional, could feel the hurt bubbling up in his blood, choking him and making his shoulders tense as if he was staring down the barrel of a loaded gun. He hated how vulnerable he felt in that moment.
He just wanted to be alone for a while and get control over his fraying nerves again.
“Are you sure?” Hizashi asked and the clear concern in his voice was as if someone was twisting a knife in Shouta's chest – chipping his ribs and slicing his heart to shreds.
“I am.” Shouta gave back. Hizashi didn't need to see him like this, didn't need to see him losing his cool, didn't need to see how he was about to unravel at the seams. Shouta walked out of the room without another word and closed the door behind himself. He padded down the stairs with his socked feet, making his way to the living room.
Shouta had known from the very beginning that his chances had been slim – he really wasn't a catch by any stretch of the imagination and Hizashi was just… beautiful. He was bright and happy – he was all the things Shouta wasn't… all the things Shouta could never hope to be or become.
Hizashi – in a very metaphorical, sentimental way – was like the sun and Shouta was nothing more than a dark cloud raining on everyone’s parade.
Yet despite the fact that their friendship hadn't really been damaged by what had just happened this turn of event just seemed… cruel. If Hizashi had outright rejected him, had laughed in his face, had pointed his finger and told him to fuck off… Well, Shouta could at least have put a lid on it. Everything would have been over and done.
But for a brief second Shouta had hoped, for a brief second Shouta had thought that his feelings were reciprocated that – for some bizarre reason – Hizashi might actually love him right back. For a heartbeat Shouta had seen their future – anniversaries, and working together, going out for dates, moving in together.
…
And then it had all been dashed like some precious porcelain vase in the hands of some clumsy toddler. Just thrown onto the ground without any regard – without even the most basic understanding of its worth – just knocked over and shattered; and everything inside it – all of Shouta's tender, soft feelings – spilling onto the ground like off-colour ink… staining everything they touched and turning the future Shouta had envisioned for a heartbeat or two into some monochrome, lifeless still-image.
In a sense this was worse – to, for a moment, have everything… only to have it yanked away again only a second later.
Shouta stopped in front of the couch. His eyes fell to the clothes he was still clutching like a lifeline between his hands. He was only here to sleep and then only to sleep on the couch… there really was no sense in putting on special clothes for that.
He folded the clothes up again, trying to smooth out the wrinkles his clawing had caused. He placed them neatly over the back of the armchair beside the couch and then pulled out his phone – he set an alarm – early enough that even Hizashi wouldn't be up at that time.
Shouta knew it was an ungrateful thing to do – to just up and leave without actually saying goodbye… but he didn't think he would be able to act as if everything was normal while Hizashi bustled around the kitchen come morning.
He felt dread well up in his stomach at the idea that he would have to actually talk with the other man – he didn't feel like talking at all. He didn't feel like seeing anyone – least of all Hizashi. He just wanted to withdraw for a while and nurse his aching heart.
Still… no matter how hurt Shouta was right now – he knew that non of this was Hizashi's fault. His feelings were his responsibility and no one else's. He would get a hold of them and then work his problems out – Hizashi had nothing to do with his heartache after all.
At the very least Shouta would be able to move forward from now on. Hizashi didn't love him. It was plain, it was simple, it was straight forward. So Shouta could put his silly feelings behind him and start over. After all, everything faded with time.
#+#+#+#+#+#+#+
In hindsight Shouta had truly been naive as a teenager. Back then he had assumed life would just go back to normal after a while… and in a sense it had. The only problem was that Shouta seemingly just wasn't the kind of person to fall in love.
Sure, he liked some people more than he liked others. He had had a few one night stands, had had a few relationships on and off, but he had never reached a point where he found himself thinking that he wanted to spent the rest of his life with any of those people.
Some of them he had merely tolerated. He had felt a little regretful about breaking up with some others yet he had never been hung up about anyone…
Except Hizashi.
Hizashi was still a constant in his life – even now as he was slowly but surely heading towards 31. The other man was just always there and Shouta had realized long ago that he couldn't even imagine a life without Hizashi in it anymore.
He loved the other man. Truly loved him. That too, was a constant, something that would just never not be true – Shouta felt it down to his very marrow, he felt it in the very beat of his heart. Whenever he raised his gaze and his eyes got caught on electric green he fell in love all over again. Deeper and deeper every time – by now his emotions were like a tree that had drilled its expansive root system right into Shouta's heart. It was something that couldn't be removed anymore without pulling his heart along with it.
He loved to watch Hizashi, his raise to popularity and the way he grew with his challenges, the way he had changed and yet was still the same. He loved the way the other man talked and moved and laughed, he loved his voice and his smile and the cologne he was always wearing. He loved his animated talk, the inflection in his words, loved his offensively bright clothes, and his loud giggling.
He loved how easy going Hizashi was on a good day, loved his sharp tongue on the bad ones. He loved Hizashi for all the beauty in and around him and for all the broken, jagged edges he hid from other people.
When he had still been a teenager Shouta had thought he was in love with Hizashi… but looking back now it was plain to see that he had been nothing more but an inexperienced boy – because whatever he had been feeling back then… it couldn't hold a candle to the choking, all-consuming fire he harboured in his chest now.
He had thought the wound of Hizashi's unknown rejection would heal over time… and in a way it had. But it had left an obvious scar – a reminder and a companion. Something that would always be there. Some days he could caress his fingers over it wistfully – fell the raises and how tender it still was after all those years. Some days it was nothing more than a part of him, something he could never truly ignore or forget but something he wasn't particularly dwelling on either.
Some other days it was like a searing phantom pain crushing down on him – an angry sting – the tissue pulling like a rubber band around his heart – as if it was intent on stopping its very beat.
Those were the worst days. The days where Shouta felt like he was drowning – like he was some hopeful, naive boy again confessing to his first love – feeling the first tentative rays of hope only for it to be slapped away from him.
Those were the days where he didn't want to talk with anyone – least of all Hizashi – who had no idea what kind of damage he was causing with his mere presence.
It were paradoxical days – days that Shouta spent alone yearning for Hizashi's company. Days where Hizashi's smile made him feel like he couldn't draw air into his lungs yet he desired nothing more than to make the other man laugh. Days where Hizashi's touch seemed to burn his skin yet he wanted nothing more than to reach out and hold the other man close.
Shouta drew away on those days, waiting the storm out – after all there was nothing else he could do about it. So what if the scar on his heart pulsed like it was about to burst open again and bleed him dry? It was still a beloved thing to him – something he didn't want to live without.
So what if he couldn't get enough of Hizashi's smile, so what if he wanted to feel his touch, so what if he found himself daydreaming about co-owning a small house, living side by side, going to bed together and seeing the sun glint of Hizashi's blond hair first thing in the morning?
All of that was Shouta's problem – not Hizashi's. And if everything went his way… then Hizashi would never find out that Shouta perked up under his attention, that he purposefully sought out his approval, that he tried to make him happy as much as a friend could… that he loved him. That he would never not love him and that this love was so much more than mere platonic friendship.
If he got his way then Hizashi would never know just how much Shouta was yearning for something impossible… How illogical, really.