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It’s ridiculous to feel this way and Wooseok knows this. He knows that this is one of the last things he should be worrying about especially considering that the concept evaluation is commencing in less than seven hours from now.
At this point, he’d be better off worrying about whether his socks are in the washing machine, anything would be better than the thought trundling through his brain.
Wooseok knows all of this and yet, he can’t help the icky feeling at the pit of his stomach. The same feeling that has almost caused him to act out of line by pulling Jinhyuk away from adoring eyes and cuddly boys.
Wooseok knows that the other boys see Jinhyuk as a lovable hyung and nothing more. But then again, not a single soul knows of their relationship. The other boys have no idea that Jinhyuk is his. But here's the catch - not even Jinhyuk knows.
Wooseok hugs his knees to his chest and lets out a groan as his vision goes blurry. His bottom lip quivers and a shaky laugh escapes his lips.
"This is so stupid, why am I even crying over this?" But after everything he's been through, Wooseok knows more than anyone else that pushing down his tears isn't a good idea in the slightest. And so he cries.
He lets the liquid crystal spill, flowing down his cheeks. The image is beautiful for a moment, he isn't the visual pick for no reason after all, but as he chokes back a sob, he looks oh so vulnerable. Wooseok sits hunched over in the corner of the room, shoulders shaking.
His cries rise and fall in volume as he feels all the emotions - frustration, guilt and anger - he'd suppressed rush in like a tidal wave. As tear patches appear on his pants, Wooseok knows that he's not just crying over Jinhyuk.
He feels like he's been carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders ever since the show began. Determined to tackle it all on his own, he shies away from the normal late-night conversations with Jinhyuk, knowing that if the other boy were to press just a tiny bit longer, he would burst.
The mental toll of it all was evident when Wooseok could barely focus during practice. His eyes were wide open but his mind was in a haze. He felt his limbs moving but he didn't seem to be in control.
After Wooseok muttered a second apology towards Yohan for stepping on his feet while facing the opposite direction, Seungwoo called for a break. Wooseok sat, leaning back on the cold wall, the lights in the room seemed all too blinding.
He heard a sigh next to him as Seungwoo's face came into view. The older boy stared at him for a moment before flashing his signature warm smile. Wooseok felt a smile naturally grace his face, taken aback by how good it felt. No planned or forced expression, just Wooseok smiling because he felt like smiling. As Seungwoo pulled him closer and wrapped his arms around him, Wooseok felt a tad bit better.
It's tough. It's tough to always stay calm and oh so pretty. Such a picture perfect doll put on display for everyone to stare in awe. Who would've known a doll like him had struggles too, huh? Wooseok isn't allowed to have feelings like this. Wooseok is supposed to just sit still, perform well and above all, stay pretty.
But if that's the life he's supposed to live, Wooseok would much rather not live at all.
And because life isn't a fairytale, he fucks up a few more times before he gets into the right state of mind. But throughout it all, he's constantly reassured by his team members.
Even Yunseong, a trainee Wooseok dares to say is quieter than him, cheers him on. He feels slightly bashful at the attention he's receiving but he remembers Jinhyuk telling him one night that soaking it up once in a while won't hurt anyone.
Ah, Jinhyuk.
The trigger of Wooseok's emotional ticking bomb. Back in present time, Wooseok sniffles into his sleeves. He clasps onto the railing for support and pushes himself up. He stands in front of the practice room door, absent-minded. And even though he knows that doing this will always end up backfiring, he could at least stall the destruction until after the performance.
With that, he lets the shutters come down once again, his emotions stored behind a mask of coping. He would simply wear it until everything was right again or more likely until he fucks up to the point of no return.
It's easier this way. Everything is easier if you just play along and be the poster boy of perfection even when your insides feel like they've been turned inside out.
____________________
It was the magical hour between five and six a.m. where the dorms were void of any and all noise apart from the occasional toilet flush. Boys sprawled out on beds and on practice room floors, all in a deep slumber. Some continued to lie on whatever surface they were on, allowing themselves time to shed the sleep from their brains. And then there was a certain Lee Wooseok.
A certain Lee Wooseok who used up all the self-control he had left to stop himself from letting out a bloodcurdling scream at the sight of a mop of black hair and that stupid Olaf onesie cuddled up against his chest. Wooseok tries to recollect himself, inhaling through his nose and exhaling through his mouth.
Well, he should've known better than thinking breathing exercises would work when the one person who never fails to take his breath away had his face pressed into his chest. Wooseok clamps his eyes shut and released a breath he didn't realise he was holding.
I'll just indulge in this for one last time. Indulging once in a while won't hurt anyone, right?
And with that, Wooseok released the tension in his muscles and melts into Jinhyuk's warm embrace. A few seconds pass by in a serene silence until he moves to press a soft kiss on the crown of Jinhyuk's head. He lets out a sigh as he felt tears prick his eyes.
I missed this. I missed him. God, how am I going to live without you, Jinhyuk?
Wooseok lets his hand wander to Jinhyuk's nape, rubbing the soft skin there. He slightly pulled away from the embrace and moved down to come face to face with Jinhyuk. He caresses Jinhyuk's cheek and even gives his nose a little boop. Wooseok giggles softly to himself at that action.
Only you, Jinhyuk. Only you would make me feel all lovey-dovey. It's always been you, Jinhyuk.
Wooseok gets lost in thought and almost shoots up from the bed when he hears a slight chuckle from across the room. With his eyes blown wide, he lifts his head to see who it was. Seungwoo stands there in all his half-naked glory, making a zipping motion across his lips. He even mouths a "Fighting!" before grabbing a shirt and walking out of sight. Wooseok only lies his head back down when he hears the sound of the door closing.
His cheeks began to flush as the realisation of what Seungwoo meant sank in. Wooseok sighs for the umpteenth time that week. He inched his face closer to Jinhyuk's until he could feel the breath of the other boy. He waited for any sign of Jinhyuk waking up before he pressed a feathery light kiss on his forehead. He shut his eyes tightly, hoping that if he did that for long enough, he would be transported to an alternate universe where Jinhyuk could be his.
But alas, he opened his eyes and he was still the same Kim Wooseok hopelessly pining after his best friend. Nothing had changed except for one thing. The eyelids that were shut a moment ago were wide open, black orbs staring right back into Wooseok's own. And as if he was on autopilot, he immediately released himself from Jinhyuk's embrace and scrambled out of the room.
…Well, that's what he planned to do. Instead, the moment he tried to remove his hand from Jinhyuk's face, said boy gripped both of his wrists and pinned him down onto the bed.
Even with his apparent eyebags and sleep-ridden eyes, Jinhyuk was still way too strong for Wooseok to escape his hold. Jinhyuk's expression was a clear representation of his inner turmoil, furrowed eyebrows and all. Wooseok decided to break the silence.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that, I didn't think of how you would've felt. I was just being selfish. I just… have been wanting to do that for the past god knows how long. I'm so tired of being told exactly what to do and how to act that I didn't fucking realise I would hurt you. God, it's like all common sense gets thrown out the window around you. Every time I see you, I have to resist wrapping myself around you because that's 'not a Wooseok thing to do'. I don't want to let you go. Not now and not ever. But of course, who would want to love me, huh? I'm just another pretty face in the crowd."
Jinhyuk's gaping mouth clamps shut at that and his eyebrows furrow once again. Pulling Wooseok up with him, Jinhyuk slowly places him in his lap, treating him like a glass sculpture. If Wooseok didn't look like he was on the brink of tears, Jinhyuk would have teased him for the blush creeping onto his cheeks. Wooseok kept his head down, looking very similar to a sad puppy.
Gently tilting his chin up, Jinhyuk gave him that warm smile which Wooseok had only seen once in a blue moon. It was neither the smirk he had plastered on his face when he was on stage nor the cheeky grin he always had. It was the kind of smile that belonged to someone who knew they wanted nothing else but to cherish whatever was on the receiving end of that smile.
"Kim Wooseok, you are worth so much more than just your pretty face. Your talent, your personality, just you! You are one of the strongest people I've ever met. Even after all the shit you've been through, you're still here chasing after your passion. Although you were fighting your own demons, you were always there for me and I want to be there for you too. You mean the world to me but I’ve never had the courage to tell you. I want this, Wooseok. I want us.” Now it was Wooseok’s turn to gape at Jinhyuk.
“You...you want us?” Wooseok almost squeaking out the last word.
Wrapping his arms around Wooseok's waist, Jinhyuk pulled him flush against his body. Wooseok tried to avoid direct eye contact because of the intimate position, he was basically straddling Jinhyuk at this point. Jinhyuk takes in the beautiful sight in front of him. Wooseok looked so soft with a rosy blush dancing across his features.
Jinhyuk rubbed Wooseok’s cheek with his thumb, the other boy almost purring at the skinship. At that reaction, Jinhyuk’s grin grew impossibly bigger. Moving his hand to the back of Wooseok's head, he pulled him closer, noses almost touching.
At this moment, Jinhyuk wished he could capture a mental image of Wooseok. Bashful yet eager were the emotions that painted the canvas that was Wooseok's face. Such a precious sight just for Jinhyuk.
When Jinhyuk finally brought their lips together, there were no fireworks or explosions. Kissing Wooseok felt like snuggling up near a fire, clad in the warmest blanket you could find, on a cold winter evening. It was familiar and yet it ignited a feeling of glee. They eventually broke the kiss when their lungs signalled them to. Wooseok giggled after a while and buried his face into Jinhyuk's neck.
Throwing his head back, Jinhyuk let out a genuine belly laugh at that.
Jinhyuk laid down and pulled Wooseok forward, his cheek pressed against Jinhyuk's chest. He hums while running his hand through Wooseok’s black locks.
"Hey, do I get to call you pet names now that you're mine?"
"...depends."
"Depends? Well then...what about sweetheart? Or maybe honey bunny?, " Wooseok pretends to throw up at those and all the other pet names that came after (Did Jinhyuk really expect him to accept munchkin as his pet name?).
"Wow, I think I'm actually out of ideas,"Jinhyuk takes a moment to think before his eyes light up, "Oh wait! What if you be my baby boy?"
Wooseok splutters at that and his hands fly up to touch his cheeks. Seeing Wooseok's reddening face, Jinhyuk smirks.
"Hah! Gotcha now, baby boy.'