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“I remember our first date. Sophomore year of Uni and the café near Wild Springs was in full bloom. I held her hand and she looked at me weird, but she squeezed it even tighter. I treated her to her favorite milkshake, myself only green tea frappuccino. There wasn’t any space inside the café or even the close vicinity outside. So we sat on the curb next to some trash cans no one else wanted to sit by. That was our first kiss. The smell was terrible, but she tasted like strawberries.”
Dahyun stared at the woman across from her, whose mouth was agape and in awe of the sweetness imbued in the words. She hadn’t meant to sound so sappy, but there was no mistaking the feelings she had at that moment. Everything felt right then; nothing, she thought then, would ever top it.
“And how’d it go wrong for you then?”
Dahyun frowned. She never liked talking about that part. She only focused on the good, for her ex Chaeyoung was a greater part good rather than bad. She winced when the thoughts came rushing in, like some sort of great pain and the neurons in her brain knew that it was that terrible. She wished it ended better. She truly did.
“We were sitting on the couch. The TV was playing cartoons, some sort of cat and mouse game—”
“Tom and Jerry.”
“Yeah, that. She carried a coffee mug, since she had to study for a bit for her test tomorrow. Accounting, I think. Then she looked at me and I looked at her. For a second, I wondered what she was doing. That was until she said…”
—
“I don’t love you anymore.”
“What?” Dahyun felt her heart stop. The walls seemed to close in and the fish in the bowl seemed to be talking to her. She didn’t feel good, not one bit.
“I said I don’t love you anymore.” Chaeyoung’s voice was firm and resolute, like she practiced this beforehand, some sort of pre-meditated murder. It was murder, in a way.
“But but—”
“I can’t change the way I feel. I just—the past few months have been great, it really has. But I need to get out, I feel so grounded. I feel so so...trapped. This isn’t where I want to be. I don’t want to snuggle watching some cartoons. I don’t want to be stuck studying for my accounting test tomorrow. I want to live, Dahyun. And I can’t do that if I’m with you.”
Dahyun felt her throat constrict, become tighter a few inches. She struggled to breath and she held a hand to her throat, to make sure she could. She thought, you know, Chaeyoung was the one, but it seemed as though she was anything but. Because the one didn’t leave like this. The one was her counterpart, the one who made her whole, and if they leave her, she wasn’t complete at all.
“So this is how it’s going to be, huh?”
Chaeyoung shrugged and nodded. Dahyun could only sigh in disappointment.
“I’m sorry—”
—
“—it happened that way,” the woman said. She laid a hand across the table and Dahyun had an urge to hold it, because she needed an anchor right now, anything really. Talking about this made her feel so weak and powerless; she needed strength where it mattered. But she couldn’t, they weren’t close enough for that.
“Don’t be. I think us separating was better for the two of us. She got what she wanted; she took a trip to Africa just a few months ago after volunteering in the Netherlands and she filled me in on what she had been doing. And I’m here doing what I wanted to do. I’m being me, I guess.”
“And what might that be?”
“Umm being hopeless in dating? I’m trying my best, though. I believe I’m doing alright. Am I doing alright? Or is there anything I need help in?”
The woman only leaned forward and took Dahyun’s hand, rubbing the top part a few times, and Dahyun instantly felt better. They were warm and they were soft, everything she imagined them to be, and they were perfect for how she felt. They made her feel safe.
“I’m sure you want to know the next one. Should I get started?”
“By all means.” The woman gestured for her to go ahead and she did.
Dahyun cleared her throat. She was distracted by the stroking of her hand, but she made no outward quip about it, nothing at all. She enjoyed it, but it gave her shivers down her spine.
“I-uh-the next one was a girl named Nayeon.” Dahyun smiled at the thought of her. Nayeon was an interesting one. “I met her at the park near the Hilton at the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern memorial. She wore a plaid shirt and a skirt along with it. It was autumn, late autumn near December so I was worried for her, since it was so cold and all. She got stood up by her date and so I went and became her date instead. I didn’t have anything better to do anyway.”
“You would be the type to do that, wouldn’t you?” The woman laughed a little. It was sweet and light and very much what Dahyun imagined it to be. Like the woman’s hands, the laugh made her feel warm and safe.
“Guilty as charged.” Dahyun smiled back. “Anyway, that was our first date. We had many but I think that was the best one, the first one. She was dressed nicely and I was dressed in a hoodie and some pajama pants. I didn’t look too right in a fancy restaurant. The one on Main Street, I think you know.”
“Tussles. The one that has a dish cost three hundred dollars?”
“That’s the one. I swear Nayeon was an heir to something. She paid for us that night. I glanced at the bill. Two-eighty just for the two of us.”
“Damn, really? And we’re here with seven dollar meals and fountain sodas!”
“Would you have it any other way?”
The woman only shook her head and used her other hand to carry a soda to her lips. They were red with lipstick, so kissable Dahyun had a hard time resisting. And like holding hands, she felt as though they weren’t close enough for that yet.
“And after that night, I was hers and she was mine. We didn’t move in together like I did with Chaeyoung. She suggested but I turned her down. I didn’t know what to think of Nayeon yet. She was pretty and she was nice but she felt wrong, like I didn’t know her. She was a stranger.”
“I’m assuming this is the part where it went wrong.”
Dahyun nodded and she played a rhythm with her free hand on the table. It helped her calm herself even if just for a little.
“She had a conference for some sort of club thing at the Hilton near where we first met. I texted her how she was doing but she didn’t answer. I texted her again and again but she didn’t even leave me on read. She just didn’t see it. I was starting to get worried that something had happened to her. So I strapped my boots and drove over there. I found her lips locked with some girl I’ve never even seen before at the front entrance. She saw me and we both knew at that moment that it was over.”
“And then what?”
“And then what…” Dahyun trailed off. This was starting to take a toll on her. “Well the girl she was making out with noticed it too. The girl came to me and said…”
—
“So I’m guessing you’re Nayeon’s girlfriend?”
Dahyun’s breath hitched. She glanced at Nayeon, who only looked away when they met eyes. She turned back to this girl, a girl taller with brilliant hazel eyes. Her jawline was so sharp she was sure God spent extra time with a hammer and chisel perfecting it.
“Y-Yeah,” she stuttered out. “She’s my—”
The girl held out her hand for a handshake and Dahyun stared at it in hesitance.
“The name is Chou Tzuyu. It’s nice to meet you.”
Chou Tzuyu carried herself with such confidence and elegance Dahyun almost became distracted from the fact Nayeon was just kissing this girl just a few moments ago. Almost.
Dahyun didn’t take the hand. She only glared at the figure behind Chou, the one who avoided her fierce-looking eyes. The audacity, Dahyun thought, the brazenness of Nayeon to be doing this in front of the Hilton. Did she think she wouldn’t get caught? Nayeon knew how worried she’d get when she didn’t answer her calls and her texts and she’d come and find her. Did Nayeon think that…
Dahyun stopped and the truth came in spades.
Making out in front of the Hilton where anybody could see. Refusing to answer her calls and her texts. Nayeon knew Dahyun would come and find her.
Nayeon wanted to get caught. She planned it all along.
“She doesn’t want you anymore, Dahyun. She’s with me now so you should just go and—”
—
“Fuck off,” her date blurted; her nose twitched as they flared with a passion. She was awfully angry, a bit cute, but at the same time Dahyun would avoid that anger any day of the week. “Nayeon could go fuck off. That bitch put you on blast and embarrassed you. I hope she fucking gets run over by a bus or something.”
Dahyun bit her lip.
“About that…” Dahyun started to which the woman’s ears perked up. “...they sorta you know had a falling out a few weeks later. I heard it from Byul how they had a screaming match in the dorm hallway. Next thing you know, they started hitting each other, throwing whatever they could each other. Tzuyu smashed a vase on Nayeon’s head and put her in a coma. I’ve been visiting ever since.”
“Oh.” The woman’s face was beet red, embarrassed. To think she wished harm on someone already in a coma, of course she’d be ashamed. “That was crass of me. I’m sorry.”
“You were just acting on your feelings. No harm done. In fact, I wanted to visit her tonight. Do you wanna come with?”
“You’re asking me to come see your ex who’s in a coma?”
“I’m assuming that’s a no?”
“Of course it’s a yes!” the woman exclaimed. “But you have to hold me back or you know, I’d punch her in the face.”
“Please don’t do that,” Dahyun pleaderd.
“That’s why you have to stop me.”
“I’m literally a twig. You have meat. You’re more human than I am. I can’t stop you so be realistic here.”
The woman groaned and stood up from her seat, the chair pushed back with a screeching sound. She held her hand out and Dahyun, again, was hesitant but she took the hand anyway, albeit with some jitters in her arm. She hoped her date didn’t notice.
“So where is it?”
“Jude’s. They know me already so they basically just let me walk in. They shouldn’t do that though; it’s a bit unsafe.”
“What about me?”
Dahyun held in their intertwined hands and only smiled.
“I don’t think that would be a problem. You’re with me and if you’re with me, you’re safe. No one’s getting to you.”
In an instant, Dahyun felt the weight of her words crashing down on her. She couldn’t believe she just said that, those cheesy words anybody would cringe at. Believe her; it sounded a lot better in her head.
Still it was true, wasn’t it?
“Alright, you Casanova. Just lead the way and I’ll follow.”
They set forth on their journey to the hospital after paying for their meal. It was a cold, autumn evening. There were a few stars dotting the sky, with the light pollution and all, but with what stars they had, her date wouldn’t miss the chance to point at them.
“Let’s call that one Lily. It’s a pretty name.”
“Why Lily?” Dahyun asked, pulling her date’s hand along as she turned a corner.
“Because in Greek mythology, lillies are the symbol of rebirth and motherhood. Like us, we’ve both had terrible relationships, some good ones, and now we’re here together starting anew. So—” her date pointed to the star again “—I’ll call that one Lily.”
Dahyun pointed to another star in the sky.
“Let’s call that Summer.”
Her date only look on confused before Dahyun explained her choice.
“I wanted to name something after you. You just radiate sunshine is all.”
Dahyun internally groaned. Again, she said something cheesy she’d get diabetes from just saying it. In fact, she probably needed some meds because she might be dying from such sappiness.
“You’re a huge flirt, you know that? Well alright, let’s call that one Summer then.” Her date pointed to the northernmost star in the sky—the one most people knew: Polaris.
“That’s you, right there. You’re the North Star.”
“Okay.” Dahyun chuckled a little. “Please do explain your choice here.”
“Because in the darkest hour, people can count on you to show them the way.”
Dahyun blushed, felt her face heat up at the compliment. She knew this person for at most a few hours now, and she was complimenting her this way? Dahyun had much reason to blush; nobody ever did compliment her as well as this woman did.
“Who’s the flirt here? Me or you?” Dahyun teased.
Her date only shrugged and said, “Maybe we’re just that good at flirting.”
“You’re better than me.”
“I know.” Her date grinned as she made the bodacious remark.
“You know?” Dahyun scoffed, not believing such confidence, though she knew her date was right. “Fine. You’re a giant flirt. And you have to tone it down or I’ll explode.”
“Explode in what ways, Dahyun?”
Dahyun face-palmed. She didn’t miss the message mixed within her date’s words. Her date was just that skilled at twisting her words to make her blush, whether it be a compliment, a passing remark, or even a sexual innuendo. Her date was just too good at that.
“You know what? I’m not talking to you until we get to the hospital.”
“But that’s not for another mile!”
“Oh yeah? Well it’s your fault.” (“For making me feel this way,” she muttered lowly.)
Her date tugged on her hand with a pout and they stopped on the sidewalk. Dahyun only raised a brow, wondering what in the hell her date was up to this time.
“I want to hear your voice,” her date said, in a cute nasally voice that made Dahyun swoon. She would become mute for a decade if it meant she could hear that whine over and over again.
But Dahyun was realistic and she was a talker and if she didn’t talk, then she wouldn’t be herself. And she always wanted to be herself, though sometimes she wished she wasn’t.
“I was just kidding. Cmon’ the faster we get to Jude’s, the faster we can get some dessert. I’ll give you the finest of what Dunkin’ Donuts has to offer.”
“Ah yes, Dunkin’ Donuts. Fine dining for such fine people,” her date said as she played along. “Alright, but I pay this time! No sneaking the waiter your card.”
Dahyun chuckled and nodded.
“Alright alright,” Dahyun relented and tugged her date’s hand and continued their journey.
They walked in silence for a few minutes despite the earlier whining of wanting to hear Dahyun’s voice. It wasn’t an awkward one or anything. It was comfortable. And that was all Dahyun could ask for in silences.
“Want to hear more about my tragic love life?”
“Oh please do. It’s like a guide on what not to do.”
Dahyun shook her head in amusement, a smile playing on her lips. Her date clicked with her; they just worked well. Dahyun hoped her date felt the same; she was sure they did.
“Speaking of guides, this one was a tour guide in Japan.”
“Japan?” Her date’s interest perked immediately at the name, as Dahyun expected she would.
“Her name was Momo.”
“Like the scary meme?”
“Yes, like the scary meme. I will never search that name up ever again, by the way. No way in hell.”
“So I take it you got scared,” her date teased. “You’re a scaredy cat.”
Dahyun groaned and walked faster, tugging harder on her date’s hand, causing the woman to yelp when she got pulled along.
“Anyway, when I was over in Tokyo, she took me at Narita. Ferried me to my hotel and after an hour, we were off gallivanting around.”
“Gallivanting. Ooo big word.”
“Yeah, shut up. Not my fault I paid attention in class.”
Her date scoffed and hit Dahyun on the arm maybe a little too hard.
“Alright alright. Sorry, a bit tasteless I know. But I think by then, she was the best one.”
“The best one?”
“The best one,” Dahyun reaffirmed. She sensed her date’s unease after that confession, probably the pressure of living up to this Momo girl bearing down on her. “But there can be better,” Dahyun added.
Her date didn’t let off; she still looked constipated. She then said, “Go on,” in a deep low voice.
Dahyun swallowed. She then continued.
“By the third day in Japan, we had a routine. She’d come pick me up at my hotel. We’d walk and we’d talk as we went and got breakfast at Shokudō at the train station. Then we took the train to anywhere.”
“She was good at korean?”
“She was decent, a bit broken at times but enough for me to fall in love with the way she spoke and the words she used.”
“Love…”
“Yeah I think I fell in love,” Dahyun affirmed. “It sounds weird, I know. But I couldn’t deny what I felt. She was…” Dahyun smiled at the thought of Momo. “...amazing. I felt like I was her world and that feeling is the greatest thing.”
“And then it went wrong.”
“And then it went wrong...” Dahyun said, her hand interlocked with her date heating up. “...we weren’t meant to be I guess. Thirty nine—”
“Thirty nine?”
“She was thirty nine over. Got rammed by a truck. Dead, instantly.”
“Oh…”
“She was coming to see me. She was so excited, you know. She even called me before she drove and I guess that excitement killed her.”
“Dahyun I’m—”
“You’re fine,” Dahyun interrupted. “I wanted to talk about it. None of it was your fault.”
Dahyun gritted her teeth. That last part was more to herself than her date. She needed that lie; None of it was her fault. None of it. None.
It wasn’t her fault.
“You know what she said to me when she called?”
“What?”
“She said Dahyun—”
—
“—I’m coming to see you. I know I know it’s on short notice, but I finally have vacation!”
Dahyun held the phone tighter to her ear, a smile wide on her face. She was lounging on her couch, watching the show Momo had recommended to her. It was something they could do together, despite being so far apart. She appreciated it.
“Wait, you’re here? You should’ve said something earlier; the house is a mess!”
“Who cares?!” Momo laughed heartily. “I’ve already seen the worst of you. What’s another thing to add to that?”
“Ugh, fine. But don’t make fun of me, alright?”
“Fine fine.”
Dahyun heard the engine starting.
“And hurry up, will you? The faster you get here, the faster we can watch.”
“You’re watching it now?”
“Of course! Now how fast are you going to go?”
“Light speed!”
“That’s my girl!”
Dahyun smiled and relaxed a bit. Momo made her happy in all sorts of ways. She was just too pure—made her feel special.
There were crackles in the line before Momo spoke up.
“Hey, Hyun?”
“Yes, Mo?”
“The stars are really pretty tonight, though there’s not much.”
“That makes the stars we can see even more special, doesn’t it?”
“I guess so,” Momo agreed. The hum of the engine was still in the background of the call; Momo hadn’t left yet. “Like the one I see right now. It’s so bright!”
Dahyun glanced outside her window, hoping that it is the same star Momo pointed out. After all, it was brighter than all the others.
“Do you know what it’s called?”
Dahyun shrugged even though Momo couldn’t see her.
“I don’t know star names. Except for the North Star; everyone should know that one.”
“Well I’m naming it Dahyun.”
Dahyun chuckled as she shook her head.
“You just can’t name stars after me, Mo.”
“Sure I can! I just did! There are too many stars out there Hyunnie, but this one I see right now is definitely called Dahyun.”
“And why is that?”
“Because it’s the brightest,” Momo reasoned. “And you’re the brightest person in my life. When I look up at the night sky when we’re apart, I see that star and I think of you. And I don’t know the name, so I’m naming it after you.”
Dahyun felt her toes crumble, her heart thumping against her chest. Whatever this was, it wasn’t just mere love. It was something greater than that. And it permeated across her body and everything felt right at that moment.
“When you get here, I’m kissing you.”
“It’s a deal! I love you, Hyunnie! I’m going—”
—
“Now then,” Dahyun started. She knew she ruined the mood. She scuffed this date! Why can’t she get anything right? “The hospital is just around the corner. Do you still want to come?”
Her date was hesitant—but she didn’t pull away from Dahyun’s hand. She was apprehensive, and understandably so. Not everyone talks about their dead girlfriend at a first date.
But her date merely said, “I’m up for it. Lead the way.”
Dahyun felt the weight on her chest lighten just a bit. She wasn’t out of it just yet; she couldn’t throw away the towel now. Her date gave her a fighting chance and she will take that chance.
But Dahyun felt as though the world had given her too many chances already.
“Cmon’ lets go,” Dahyun said as she tugged on her date’s hand.
The way in was easy. She recognized many of the workers but she asked if they were still allowed to visit. They were. She had been coming here for years now and even though it was unethical, they let her in without a hassle.
“Told you it’d be easy.”
There were several wings of Jude’s Hospital. Nayeon was located at the Classical Wing, next to neurology on the same floor. She bowed her head slightly at each person she knew as they made their way, her hand still intertwined with her date’s.
To be honest, this was the strangest date she had ever been on—solely from this one activity. With her, it seemed as though Dahyun wanted to show her everything—what made her the way she was.
Dahyun wanted to get it right this time.
“We’re here,” Dahyun said as they stopped upon a door, Nayeon’s name on a small whiteboard next to the room.
Dahyun gingerly opened the door, letting in light into the pitch black room. The whole time her date never said a word but instead, she held tighter onto her hand.
When they came upon Nayeon’s bed, her date let out a tiny gasp. Strewn across Nayeon’s face, was a giant scar.
“Tzuyu did her good, didn’t she?”
“If this what you call good then yeah, she definitely did.” Dahyun rounded the bed, leaving her date on the other side. “You can talk to her if you want,” Dahyun said. “She can’t hear you anyway, I think.”
Her date inched closer and then leaned over Nayeon, studying the scar. Dahyun felt deep apprehension on her decision to let her date here, but she trusted her to do the right thing, albeit knowing her for only a few hours.
That trust was weakened when her date started speaking.
“Listen here you lil’ bitch. You cheated on my girl here and if I was there, I woulda popped a cap in yo ass.”
What the fuck? When did she become all ghetto?
“But thanks for that. I wouldn’t have met her. And she’s a total sweetheart so you totally screwed up.”
Dahyun smiled then and hung her head low.
“You know Nayeon, this girl has gone through so much shit. And you’re one of the shit things she’s gone through. And I don’t know if you’re still a shit thing, but she’s still visiting you so mustn't have been that shit when you were together.”
Dahyun didn’t know what to think of the vulgar language, but the message got across. It was sweet.
Her date turned to her with a smile and Dahyun returned it with full intensity. And when her date gestured for her to the couch in the far corner, Dahyun followed.
Dahyun felt light on her feet as she walked to the couch. It was like a thousand angels carrying her up, letting her float like she’s on Cloud Nine. Her date may be one of the sweetest people she had ever met, in a different way than she was used to.
And Dahyun felt it, the familiar thumping in her chest, something she hadn’t felt in a long time, not since Momo. Never since Momo.
And Dahyun was scared. She was scared to be hurt again, to be used and thrown away like trash. She was scared to be alone in her cold bed when just the night before there was a body full of warmth to keep her comfortable.
Dahyun didn’t know what to do anymore. She was here, right now, but at times when she looked at her date, she wished she was anywhere but. Because that face could be the face that told her that she didn’t love her anymore. It could be the face that cheated on her. It could be the face on a mount as relatives came by and mourned.
And Dahyun was on Cloud Nine, but she was sure she was going to fall anytime soon.
“Hey,” her date said as she patted the seat beside her. “Sit down.”
Dahyun’s legs felt weak, but she managed to sit down. Her date immediately held her hand, again, giving her that much needed anchor. It was starting to feel better.
One thing Dahyun learned from being in love, was that people were imperfect. She had to remind herself of that everyday. Because when looking through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like regular flags. And with every relationship she had, she failed to see that.
And so Dahyun studied her date further.
“You’re not okay,” her date observed. “You’re having second thoughts aren’t you?”
Her date had hit the bullseye, square in the middle. It was like her date was swimming through her mind, picking out and scanning all sorts of trash and debris. And Dahyun felt her dirty baggage being examined, all of it.
Her date knew she was scared.
How?
“Y-Yes,” she stuttered out with her quivering lips. She looked into the woman’s eyes. They were hazel and soft and they were warm. It made Dahyun ease a little, but did nothing to quell the uncertainty within her.
“That’s okay. It’s okay to be scared. I am too. I don’t know how this’ll work out. How we’ll work out. But the point is we gotta keep trying. And I’ll be here every step of the way. If…” the woman smiled slightly and squeezed tighter on her hand. “...you want me to, that is.”
Dahyun never imagined a first date to be so heavy. She never imagined her date’s question of past relationships would lead them here. But she was thankful, because those relationships made her who she was, among other things. And her date deserved to know that.
“I want to make it work. I really do. But I have so many what-ifs in my mind.” Dahyun looked away from her date. She couldn’t bear to face her. “I just…” she trailed off, not knowing exactly what to say. “...I don’t want to feel what it’s like to be in love again if it’s just going to be ripped apart from me. I need some permanence in my life.”
Dahyun frowned and the little voices kept on speaking to her. You messed up everything. They left you because you weren’t good enough. You’ll never be good enough.
Dahyun looked straight at her.
“It’s all fault, isn’t it?”
Her date’s face morphed into anger.
“Hey!” Her date raised her voice a little louder. “Don’t say that. Not with regards to this. It’s not your fault.”
It’s not your fault. Dahyun felt her lips quiver at the words. It’s not your fault. That phrase ran like a mantra in her mind. It’s not your fault. But it is! No it isn’t! It battled for dominance and Dahyun didn’t know what to believe anymore.
It’s not your fault.
All Dahyun had on lips was, “I love you, Sana.”
And Sana rushed forward to capture Dahyun’s lips, suckling on the bottom one to earn a little mewl. Dahyun held Sana by the shoulders and Sana held her hips. They pressed tight against each other and molded themselves into one. They managed to find themselves legs tangled as Sana laid over Dahyun’s body on the couch. And when they pulled away, breathless, they both smiled at each other.
As if they knew something.
“Wow,” Dahyun said, breathlessly.
“Wow,” Sana mimicked, also breathless.
“We shouldn’t be doing this here,” Dahyun said.
“Who cares? She did it to you.”
Dahyun opened her mouth to retort, but she found nothing and closed it.
“Hey Sana. Can you promise me something?”
Sana hummed and nodded. Dahyun didn’t know if she should say it, but she had said so many things about herself, what was one more request?
Dahyun raised a hand to Sana’s cheek, stroking it lightly. And she leaned forward, her lips on her date’s ear.
Dahyun whispered.
“Please don’t let it go wrong this time.”