Archive of Our Own ^beta

They were both coming back to life. They were both starting their new lives, that’s why this was important, Simon reminded himself. That’s why this was important, that’s why they were here. He needed to tell Kieren the truth.

There’s what he believes, and then there’s Kieren.

He rung his hands together, nerves causing them to shake. Or maybe that was just his intolerance to the medication, they’d been doing that a lot lately. But apparently that’s a good sign.

Kieren sat in front of him, his white eyes bright against the darkness of the cave they sat in. Kieren had brought him here a few days ago, just after Amy’s funeral when rain had been pouring from the grey skies and the smell of grief hung in the air. At first Simon hadn’t known what to make of the place - it was cold and damp and felt like death. And then Kieren told Simon why it felt like death. Why there was ‘Ren + Rick 4eva’ sprawled across the cave wall, and why candles filled the uneven floor.

This was where Kieren and Rick used to be together. Where they used to love each other ‘that way’, where they’d hide their relationship from any possible prying eyes.

This was where Kieren Walker died.

Simon looked around now, the candles on the floor were lit, illuminating the cave in a soft orange glow. The writing on the wall was still there, although maybe a little faded now than it had been almost five years ago. It was hard to imagine that this was where Kieren spent his last living moments. It was hard to imagine this was the kind of place anyone would come to die, but at the same time it wasn’t.

Simon couldn’t help but notice now how Kieren avoided the writing sprawled across the cave wall now. Or how his eyes had fallen dark and wetter when he’d spoken about what it meant. Kieren loved Rick, would always love Rick and Simon accepted that fully. How could he not? Rick, by the sounds of things, had been a kind, sweet person despite his obvious flaws. He hadn’t deserved the end he got - both times. He’d been a good guy, a better guy than Simon could ever be, that was for sure.

"Simon?" Kieren’s voice, broke the silence. It was soft, just like always. "Simon? What’s wrong?" Kieren shuffled closer to the man next to him. Simon had asked Kieren to meet him in the dark on a cold winter’s night, so he could hardly blame the worry that sat in the boy’s eyes.

He took a deep breath - in through the nose, out through the mouth. He didn’t know why this exercise helped, considering that he didn’t need to breath anymore, but for some reason it did. “I need to tell you something, Kier.” He said, remembering how Kieren had said almost the same thing the other night as tears swam in his eyes. Simon could feel his own in his. He tried blinking them away furiously, he couldn’t chicken out now. Kieren said that he wanted them to be honest with each other. He had to do this, it was important. And so he took another deep breath and began to talk of his time in the treatment centre, the time after with his Father. Julian and the ULA, the Undead Prophet. Of Amy joining the commune, their journey and reason behind coming back to Roarton and the whole time Kieren said nothing. He sat, quietly listening with a hand on Simon’s knee and eyes gently trained on him.

Eventually, Simon got to the part about his mission, about his night in the city and the next day. About the knives and the graveyard, of Gary and the choice he almost made. He told Kieren all of it, and when he was done he pulled himself away from the boy. He place his head on his knees and stared down at his lap, arms wrapping around the bottom of his legs. He didn’t deserve Kieren and Kieren deserved better.

There was silence for a long time before Kieren spoke. “So you… The first risen. That was- you thought that was me?” Kieren asked. Simon nodded, not wanting to look up. “But Amy, she was really the first risen?” Simon nodded again. “And we- she needed to die for the second rising to happen? But there was no second rising. So she died for no reason… I almost died for no reason?” Simon couldn’t tell whether Kieren was angry or not, he couldn’t tell whether he hated him yet or not. “And that was your mission, right from the start? That’s why you were here, why she came back. Why you asked me so many questions at dinner and ran off the next day when I needed you. You were planning it, the whole time?” Kieren’s voice was a little louder now, it echoed around the small cave and Simon could hear the anger rising with it this time.

He looked up now, he had to. “No, I mean, I didn’t-”

"No." Kieren broke him off, "you went into the city, met with the Undead Prophet and arranged my killing." He continued, matter-of-factly.

"I didn’t see him, I met with Julian-"

"I don’t give a fuck, Simon." Kieren interrupted him again, anger filling his voice. "A day, Simon. One day after you came to my house, after you sat with my family. After you said that there was what you believed, and then there was me." Kieren half laughed, his cold hands running through his strawberry-blond hair. "That was all bullshit, wasn’t it? Wasn’t it?! I really… Christ. I really thought you meant it. I thought that maybe- maybe it was true. I’m so stupid.” Kieren did laugh this time, as if the idea of someone putting him first was utterly impossible to him.

"Kieren, I couldn’t do it. I didn’t do it. I couldn’t kill you, or Amy if I’d have known. Okay? I just couldn’t. I put you first. just like I said, Kier." Simon found himself begging. He didn’t know why; it was all in vain. Kieren wasn’t going to want him, not now he knew the truth. You should just stop making a fool of yourself now, Simon thought, you’ve lost him. Give it up. 

Still though, he found himself staring at Kieren through blurred vision except this time he didn’t try and blink it away, it felt like someone was twisting a thousand knives into his chest. “Kieren, please?” 

"Fuck you." Kieren retorted, eyes alight with anger. "Amy is dead because of this. You were going to kill me over some insane belief, faith or whatever relationship it is you have with the ULA. Something that wasn’t even true. A myth, Simon. It was a fucking myth. Fuck you." Normally Simon loved it when Kieren swore. He loved it when naughty things fell out of his innocent-looking lips, but not today. Not right now. The pain in his chest grew with every angry word, with every fuck you Kieren spat, his hands shook almost violently and noise hammered in his ears. He wished it would stop, all of it. He wished it would all just stop. He squeezed his eyes shut, hoping that when he opened them again they would be in the bungalow and this would all just of been a dream. Hoping that he didn’t just mess up the best thing in his life.

But when he did open them again, he saw that Kieren was standing, heading toward the entrance of the cave.

"No!" Simon’s voice bounced off the walls. He grabbed Kieren’s soft hand in his own, pulling the boy back towards him. What he said next he hadn’t planned to say when he’d opened his mouth to talk. But he said it. He said because Kieren really was the best thing in his life. Because he was cold but so warm. Because Simon had given up everything for him, he was soft and beautiful, and full of the hope that things were going to get better. Because Simon wanted to spend his forever with Kieren. He wanted to curl up with him on winter’s mornings and stay up late watching crappy telly shows at the weekends with him. Because Simon had never felt something this deep before. He said the words as if it were the first time he’d ever said them because, he realised, it was. "I love you." 

Kieren stared at him, his expression softening. And then it hardened again, he pulled his hand away and left, leaving Simon alone in the dark, his thoughts racing and vision blurring. His chest burnt, the invincible knife still turning, hands shaking harshly despite him trying to get them to stay still. As Kieren’s footsteps disappeared, Simon lowered himself back down to the uneven floor. He laid down and pulled his knees to his chest, tucking down his head and making himself as small as possible.

There was what he believed, and then there was Kieren.

Except he didn’t have Kieren anymore. And he didn’t have the ULA, Julian or the Undead Prophet. He didn’t have his Father or his Mother, or Amy. He had no one, and it was his fault alone.

He closed his eyes and released the shaky breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. He was alone.

Suddenly, in the silence of the cave, Simon understood why Kieren had come here to die.

"Simon." Kieren’s voice was soft, just like always as it called through Simon’s dreams. It was a dream, of course. Kieren wasn’t really there; Kieren hated Simon.

"Simon?" His voice came again, a hand shaking hard at Simon’s shoulder, shaking him awake. Reluctantly the Irish man opened his eyes. He was still in the cave but it was light out. It looked different in the light, bigger.

As his vision came into focus he found that his eyes fell on a boy. Kieren. His big, brown eyes stared down at Simon, his mouth straight with worry. But Kieren hated him.

"Christ Simon," Kieren breathed a sigh of relief, his body relaxing as he did. "Don’t do that." Simon stared up at him, everything felt foggy and weird. Like he was drunk, or high, except he obviously wasn’t. His necked ached, which was odd; he didn’t feel pain anymore. 

"Why are you here?" He mumbled, more to himself than Kieren; why was he here? It was cold, so cold. He didn’t think he’d ever been this cold before which was also odd, because Simon spent every moment of his life now cold, so why did he notice it so much today?

"I was looking for you!" Kieren retorted. "I went to the bungalow but you weren’t there, so I looked at the graveyard, the station. I called Jem and then she said she thought you might be here still, so she came with me." Kieren looked toward where the light flooded through the entrance of the cave where his sister waited outside.

"Looking for me?" Simon mumbled again, trying to push himself up more. "But you hate me. You hate me, you-" His voice was small and weak and that was exactly how he felt. Maybe because that was what he was: small and weak, especially beside Kieren Walker.

"Hate you?!" Kieren laughed, "I was mad at you, Si. I’m still mad at you, but I don’t hate you! Christ, I thought you’d… When I saw you I thought you were-" He grabbed Simon by his shoulders and pulled him off the damp floor, wrapping his arms around him tightly and pulling him into a hug. "Never do that again!" His gentle hands moved to Simon’s cheek, they were warm and soft against the coolness of Simon’s skin. "You’re freezing." The fair haired boy looked Simon up and down before beginning to pull the over-sized jacket he was wearing off.

"I’m fine." Simon insisted, despite the numbness of his hands and feet. Why was he feeling the cold so much today? Kieren ignored him and wrapped the coat over Simon’s shoulders, pulling the man close to him again. He smelt of soap and strawberries and washing powder and Simon had never noticed this before. Why had he never noticed how nice Kieren smelt?

"Come on, let’s get out of here, huh?" Kieren said after a few minutes, pulling Simon onto his feet, Kieren’s arms still wrapped around Simon, just like how Simon had held him after that day in the graveyard.

Outside the morning sun seemed painfully bright at first, too bright. The air around them was fresh and crisp compared to that inside the cave, and above the noise that still hammered in Simon’s ears, he could hear the birds chirping and the breeze rustling the few leaves that were left on the trees. Jem stood just outside, her arms folded tightly across her chest until she saw the two men emerging from the entrance when she dropped them and took a step closer to her brother.

"He’s okay then?" She didn’t look at Simon as she spoke, Kieren had probably told her everything. Simon had gotten the impression that even before though, she hadn’t exactly liked his company. Not that he could really blame her; she’d seen, lost and been through things no one ever should have to go through, especially not someone as young as herself. She had every right to be mad at him.

Kieren nodded in return, still supporting Simon as they made their way in the opposite direction of the cave.

"And he’s like you?" She spoke again, her pony tail swishing behind her head and she avoided a puddle. Kieren nodded again, and Jem rolled her eyes. "I’ll run ahead and put a bath on, and tell Mum to put some soup on." She looked at Simon now, but not in the complete disgust that she used to. Instead it was more… Curiosity? Yet here eyes held the same fiery anger that Kieren’s had held last night. But at least she was looking at him, he guessed. She nodded as Kieren thanked her before quickening her pace into a light jog. And then she was gone, and it was just Simon and Kieren again. Neither man spoke as they continued their path through the trees and fallen leaves. 

It wasn’t until they were out of the woods several minutes later that Simon really looked at Kieren properly, and realised something was different about the young boy. “Why do you have your…?” He motioned to his eyes, Kieren’s were brown again instead of their natural-dead white. “And why all the…?” He motioned to his face, Kieren was a normal healthy colour again instead of paper white. After everything they’d been through Kieren goes back to his old ways? Back to hiding and lying? There may be what Simon believes and then Kieren, but this was one belief he couldn’t ignore for him. They shouldn’t have to cover up, especially not after everything that’s happened, how many times had Simon said this now?

"I could ask you the same question." Kieren smirked before Simon got the chance to get properly annoyed. He’d let go of Simon now and was walking around to the drivers side of the Walker’s family car. Simon didn’t even know Kieren could drive, and he was just starting to wonder whether he actually could when he caught sight of his own reflection in the car window.

Stubble on his cheeks.

Peachy skin. 

Dark blue eyes. 

Alive.

Kieren guided Simon up the stairs and pulled him into the bathroom, locking the door behind them. Just like Jem had said she’d do, a bath was run. Apparently she didn’t really know the limit on bubble bath though, because from what Simon could see there were more bubbles than water. He grinned. The room was foggy and smelt like roses, and he was so grateful for warmth for the first time since coming back from the dead. He’d forgotten how precious it was, especially when you’re freezing. His hands still shook uncontrollably, but he figured that was probably more from the cold now rather than the medication.

Kieren began to pull of his own clothes as Simon stared at himself in the misty mirror. He’d also forgotten what colour his eyes had actually been, and how quickly his facial hair used to grow. How his cheeks had once held colour, and how easily he blushed, which he found himself doing now as his eyes fell on Kieren’s bare chest. He’d forgotten how nice skin-to-skin contact really felt as he pressed his hand against Kieren’s chest and felt a heartbeat hammering underneath his palm, his own speeding up as he did. Simon’s own heartbeat. He actually had heartbeat. He could still hear it hammering in his ears, it felt like it was about to burst from his chest. The very fact he and Kieren both had one again still made him feel dizzy, but the happy kind of dizzy and he wasn’t sure if he’d ever grow used to having it again. 

To think, Simon thought as he stared into Kieren’s eyes (they were chocolate brown and so deep they were like another universe. Wide and big and if Simon thought his eyes had been beautiful when they were white, well, he was lost for words now), that last night he thought Kieren had left him for good. He thought he’d ruined everything, and if Kieren had left then it would have been nothing but what Simon deserved. But here they were, and the weight of holding a secret like that no longer pressed down on Simon’s shoulders like boulders. Kieren was right there in front of him and he knew the truth, there was no more lying between them, just like what Kieren had wanted. 

The shorter boy took Simon’s hand in his own and pressed a gentle kiss on his palm before helping Simon pull the dark green jumper he wore off over his head and letting it drop to the floor. And then Kieren began pulling off the rest of Simon’s clothes off his freezing body until all of them were on the tiled floor of the bathroom along with Kieren’s. 

He knew the truth and he was still there. 

"Kier," Simon’s voice was barely a whisper in the misty bathroom. He knew words couldn’t make up for the choice he almost made, he knew that anything he ever did wouldn’t make up for it, but he still felt Kieren needed to know. He needed to know how much he meant to Simon, how real and alive he made him feel, so he carried on anyway. "What I said about there being what I believe, and then you. I meant it, okay? It wasn’t bullshit, or a trick to get close to you, I- I meant it, and I-"

Kieren silenced him. “We”ll talk later,” he nodded. It wasn’t an I-forgive-you nod, but it was enough for Simon. A small smile slowly crept onto Kieren’s face now, he cupped the back of Simon’s neck and pulled the taller man into a kiss and, as ever, Simon spent a few stalled seconds being pleasantly surprised by the action before he kissed back. Suddenly the whole scenario washed over Simon. The truth that now sat between them and the raw honesty of the words they had spoken in the cave. The warmth of the room, the smell of roses in the air and strawberries on Kieren’s skin. The heartbeat in his ears, the butterflies in his stomach and the feeling of life that blossomed inside of him. The softness of Kieren’s lips and tenderness of the kiss. 

Important, beautiful, incredible Kieren Walker who was pulling him towards the steaming bath. Kieren, the man he’d given up everything for, become a traitor for. Risked his life for. The man who knew his own mind and made Simon question his. 

There’s what Simon believes, and then there’s Kieren. 

"I love you."

"I love you, too."