Chapter Text
The figure stood overwhelmingly tall in the dimly lit doorway, looking down at the trembling boy daring to stare back at it. Looking behind, Dan knew he had been here before, he knew how this ended, of course he did, but he still ran. Down through the darkness, passing the walls that grew tighter as he moved.
Behind, a presence. Like wind tickling his skin, he could feel it edging closer and closer. With each fastening breath, it seeped through his clothes and into his hair, suffocating him and trapping him in a moment. He stood frozen in place, no longer moving the way he so desperately tried to. Breathe on his neck indicated he’d lost again. He never won. Not against this.
Turning slowly, he met the faceless figure that seemed so much larger than it did only a few moment’s ago. Its eyes were unrecognisable in the dark room, yet Dan could feel it’s lingering stare, holding him hostage in his dream. It inched closer and closer, agonisingly slow contrasting the quickening pace of his heart in his chest until
"Dan!" His mum's voice echoed from behind the figure. "Get up, you’re going to be late".
-
Dan shot up, his eye’s slowly remembering the scene surrounding him as his bedroom, getting used to the light that leaked through his window. His breathing was still fast, and his head was still spinning. He hastily placed his hand over his chest, encouraging his heart to slow along with the knowledge that he was safe this time. Eventually, he was calm. He pulled himself out of bed and over to the mirror that stood in the darkest corner of his room where he was met with himself. The rings around his eyes were proof of the sleep he had failed to get yet again. His hair was curled and damp with sweat, sticking to his forehead. Dan had come to know this version of himself far too well.
He’d been having the same dream for months now. Each night, the same darkness. The figure that haunted his sleep and taunted his dreams had stolen too many of his nights now, and why? He didn’t know. The figure was always faceless, always trying to get close and touch him, or perhaps trap him? It had never gotten close enough for Dan to recognise who the cold touch belonged too. His therapist suggested it wasn’t a person, but a fear. Something Dan was trying to escape but what? And why? And for how long? He feared a lot of things; social interaction, the dark, large groups of people but none of these things ever found him frozen in place, unable to move. He had a nice enough family. His mother was always rooting for him, encouraging him to do his best. His father, on the other hand, cared significantly less. Dan only really saw him when he had to, considering he always worked late in the city and rarely found time for Dan and his younger brother, but he didn’t fear his father, kind of just repulsed him. Dan thought when he first started having the dream that it was just his brain’s way of dealing with the move from Reading to Manchester at the beginning of the year but as time went on his began to realise that it was more than that, and he still is yet to understand why.
He made his way down the hall and towards the bathroom as he knew a shower was the only thing that could pull him from the dazed state that he had woken up in. The water trickled down his neck and back, warmth beginning to spread through his body. The date was September 4th, the end of summer and the start of his final year at the hellhole he knew as sixth form. One more year of long days filled with teasing and insults as he walked through the hall’s, avoiding his classmate’s like the plague and only talking to the one friend he had managed to make in the months he’d attended the school.
He had started his first year late in January, due to his sudden and unexpected move up North when his dad had been offered a promotion up in Manchester. Obviously, he never wanted to move. He had a comfortable life back down in Reading, with a small group of good friends that were just like him. He had never hated school either. In fact, Dan actually liked school and learning. Not all subjects, of course, maths and science could suck his dick, but English, Sociology and Psychology were what always caught his interest. So when he began studying just them 3 subjects at the beginning of sixth form down in Reading, he thought he could be happy, and sure, he may not have been the happiest person in the world, but it sure as hell was better than up here.
His first few weeks at Rawtenstall High School were awful. Dan had never been a social butterfly and often was known to be introverted and a little bit nerdy, but at least he had friends back home. Here he was alone, and often mocked for being a ‘teacher’s pet’ or an ‘overachiever’ with his grades which were always high. His posh southern accent definitely served as a punching bag for his classmates to go to town on and his pastel, delicate fashion sense earned him the nicknames of ‘fairy’ and ‘princess’, which were often yelled at him from across halls and throughout classrooms.
And then there was the rumour. The one that stood out against all others. The one which brought Dan the most trouble and grief. The one that Dan swears had it have never gotten out, he may have been able to complete these two years completely unnoticed and unbothered.
The rumour that he was gay.
It started in his second week at the school. Someone had found his profile on Grindr, an account that he had forgotten had existed, and had sent screenshot’s around the entire school before Dan even knew he had been found out. His friends back home had created the account after Dan had come out to them months prior to the move, for jokes and giggles and the small off chance Dan could meet a nice boy after something other than just sex but no such luck. After a while, he stopped using the app, forgetting he had it still downloaded and obviously that it was still active. He deleted the account quickly after the incident, but it was too late. Despite never confirming or denying the claims, people knew. A lot of them didn’t care, after all, Dan was just the new kid and it’s 2019, it’s not like he was the first teenage boy alive to be found out as gay. This said however, there was still a group of particular boys’ at school who liked to make things harder for Dan. He'd be rich if he had a £1 for every time the word ‘fag’ was yelled at him from across the hall. The abuse wasn’t always just verbal either. There had been times which he was crowded by this group and hit or kicked or pushed, them always managing to reduce Dan to tears due to his inability to defend himself against these guys who were so much larger than him. It was only ever the same group. it wasn’t like the entire school was homophobic, people just didn’t care enough to help and so Dan was fighting this alone. Completely alone.
He left the shower to get dressed into a pair of washed-out blue skinny jeans and a pink hoodie after having washed his hair more than once in an attempted to shake last night’s nightmare from his mind and proceeded downstairs where he was met with his mother, who had laid out egg’s and toast for the morning's breakfast.
“What have I told you about sleeping in, look at the time!” was the first thing she said upon seeing Dan in the doorway. It was 7:55, Dan usually left for school around 8, but what’s a few minutes late on the first day.
“Didn’t sleep well” he grumbled back. His mum knew about the dreams, she was the one who suggested therapy when they didn’t stop a few weeks after moving but he rarely spoke to her about them. She didn’t need to worry about him. He was fine.
“Well eat up, your first last day only come’s around once and you’ll need all the energy you can get this year. Do you have everything you need?” she eyed up his backpack which hung on the kitchen door handle.
“It’s just the same as last year, mum” Dan replied, mouth full of toast “I didn’t need anything new, maybe just some money for the bus today”. Dan usually walked. The half an hour trek into school often helped clear his head after yet another sleepless night but looking at the time which now was edging past 8, he knew he would be pushing it if he was too leave any later.
“Okay fine, only because you didn’t sleep well and I don’t want them pretty clothes of yours getting scruffy on your first day, you need to look professional, this year is important” she reached into her handbag, pulling out a fiver and passing it to him. “This should cover a return ticket, don’t go spending it on something else, I expect you back here at 3:30 if you are getting the bus, I know how you are” she leant down and kissed his head.
“Thanks, mum, this is great” he smiled at her through tired eyes. “I better get going if I want to catch the early bus then, I’ll see you later!” He jumped down from the table, grabbing his backpack and waving goodbye, before setting off out the door and down the familiar path towards the bus stop.
-
Walking through the school gates felt like no time had passed since the last time he saw this place. He spent most of the summer indoors playing Final Fantasy and Mario Cart, occasionally meeting up with PJ who insisted getting out would be good for him. ‘Getting out’ often meaning popping down to the local Starbucks for coffee for an hour, with money his mum leant him with the promise of him returning it once he got a job. PJ was a good friend to Dan. They were in no way similar, PJ being much more of an extrovert, but Dan was still thankful for his friendship both in and out of school. Without him, Dan would have fallen apart.
“Long time no coffee” A familiar voice boomed, followed by PJ appearing from around the corner. “Two weeks is way too long Howell, I haven’t been this Dan deprived since that time you had the flu for weeks”. He flaunted air quotes around the word ‘flu’. PJ knew Dan wasn’t really sick then. It had been about a month into school and Dan thought he couldn’t take the constant teasing anymore, so he disappeared for weeks, only returning after the school threatened to expel him if his attendance didn’t improve.
“Sorry Peej, mum was constantly on my back about getting a job and helping around the house with Adrian, you know how it is, it’s good to see you” Dan replied. He really was happy to see him, he was a good friend.
“Is that what we're calling RuneScape now? Helping around the house?” PJ raised an eyebrow, smirk on his face.
“Mario Cart, actually”. There was no point lying, PJ had gotten pretty good at picking through Dan's half-truths and exaggerations.
“That game is so boring Dan, no way did you spend 2 weeks just playing that!”
“It’s only boring because you suck and always loose” Dan responded smiling slightly “Besides, I had to! Those cups don’t unlock themselves y’know”.
“I don’t suck, you’re just stupidly good! It’s boring when I don’t stand a chance. And hey, if you really have unlocked all them cups that means you must be free this weekend to hang out with me in a place that isn’t your bedroom or Starbucks” PJ threw an arm around Dan’s shoulders, knowing he had caught him in his lie and now Dan had no choice but to go along with whatever he suggested next.
“If you think I’m helping clear out your entire room again, you can think again. There are other games calling my name”. A fond memory of the time they spent an entire weekend sorting through PJ’s childhood toys and clothes, laughing until they were crying and wasting more time fucking about with old gadgets than they spent being actually productive cascades across Dan’s mind. It was the weekend they really bonded, and Dan thought that getting through the next few years wouldn’t be as impossible as he first had thought.
“Nothing left to sort Daniel, my room is still as spotless as ever!” A lie, Dan thought. PJ was not the tidiest of people. “But be ready, because I am taking you to a party”.
No. Nope. Dan? At a party? Didn’t happen. There is nothing Dan hated more than parties, they were literally his worst nightmare. PJ knew this, which is probably why when Dan opened his mouth to protest PJ stopped him quickly yelling
“Before you say anything, this happens every new year in September, everyone goes! It’s basically the only thing people look forward to in this dull town.” He was flailing his arms around in an attempt to get Dan to listen. “Besides, it’ll be good for you, might even meet more people to thrash at Mario Cart”.
“Doubt it” Dan mumbled. “I don’t like parties”.
“I know but c’mon, please Dan. I’ll stick with you the entire time, pinkie promise!” he held out his pinkie towards Dan. “There will be alcohol as well, liquid courage and all that”.
Dan knew PJ wouldn’t stay with him. He’d heard about the parties he goes to, even had the pleasure of experiencing PJ drunk himself once before, on his birthday last year. As soon as he’s two drinks in, PJ is the life of any party, attracting people in and surrounding himself with many. Dan on the other hand, only really drank on Christmas and avoided groups of people at all costs. That doesn’t stop him however from reaching his pinkie out to meet PJ's and replying
“Fine, I’ll think about it”.
“Fuck yeah you will, that’s the spirit!” PJ jumped excitedly. Dan regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. “The parties always at Chris Kendall’s house. His families rich, they have a massive home with a pool and everything, just try not to break anything, I know how clumsy you are”.
Dan froze in place. He knew Chris. He was part of that group. The group that made it their mission to make Dan’s like as hard as it could be. The group that was led by him.
“No way, I am not going anywhere near Chris Kendall’s house. C’mon Peej, I avoid them guys at the best of times, what makes you think I wanna go anywhere near them at a time I could be home away from their dumb teasing”.
“It’s not like he’ll greet you at the door, Dan, hardly ever see them guys at those parties” he explained. “They probably sneak off into a back room to get high or some dodgy shit like that, they have no reason to be at the centre of a high school party”. The idea of being anywhere around drugs made Dan’s blood run cold. “Even if we did see them, everyone gets drunk at these things, no one would be paying attention to us. have you even heard from them at all this summer?” He questioned
Dan shook his head. He hadn’t. It had been a quiet summer.
“Then c’monnnnn” He dragged out. “Please, for me? I’ll protect you I promise”.
“Fine” Dan breathed, finally giving in to PJ’s puppy dog eyes. “But we leave if it gets too much”. It came out like more of a question than an order.
“Of course, of course,” PJ shook him by the shoulders. “This is going to be great Dan, it’s gonna be a good year”. He gleamed, full of hope. “Shit, I’ve gotta get to Art. Mrs Beakers a bitch if you’re even a second late. I’ll see you at lunch yeah?” he said staring down at the watch on his wrist and with that he was gone, waving as he disappeared into the stream of students walking around like zombies with their eye’s glued to the floor.
“See ya Peej” Dan replied wearily, once PJ was out of earshot. Maybe he was right. Maybe this year would be different.
-
Dan made his way down the corridor towards his first class. English had always been his favourite. Writing was the one escape he had, always losing himself in realities completely different from his own. He was a dreamer, sure. Maybe a bit of a romantic but writing and reading only served as a temporary distraction from the inescapable train wreck he called his life.
“Hey, Princess!” A voice called out from behind, pulling Dan from his thoughts. Guess this year wouldn’t be as different as he had hoped.
He made out here didn’t hear and continued down the corridor before an arm was swung around his shoulder, stopping him in his tracks.
“Daniel Howell, gay AND deaf? That’s new, what has summer done to you, darling” The boy holding Dan sneered, exaggerating the insults, making sure Dan held on to every word. Looking up, he recognised the boy. Jack? Maybe Jake? It didn’t matter, there was nothing he could do.
“Yeah Howell, we’ve missed ya!” another voice came from the other side of him. Chris, he guessed. “What’s a good summer without little Danny to keep us entertained” Chris ruffled his hair, Jack keeping him held by the shoulders. The two of them laughed together, Dan making no effort to escape. He knows how that would end.
“Cat got your tongue or something fag? You not miss us too?” One spat. Dan instantly felt his heartbeat rise, throat going dry. It was the one word that really got to him. The word that cut all too deep whilst holding so much hidden truth. But he couldn’t fight back, it was too early to be coming home with black eyes or a bloody nose.
“I’m going to be late” Dan’s voice cracked as he spoke, making him feel weak and small, probably only inviting the boys to tease him more.
And they did. They continued laughing and sneering around him. Making jokes about his hair which was slightly curled still from his shower, and his pastel pink hoodie which was slightly oversized. This is not how he wanted the year to start. All the hope PJ had placed in him earlier was beginning to crash rapidly around him.
“Hey, assholes, you’re about to be late” A voice boomed down the hallway, startling the three boys, Dan finally being released from the hold one of them had on him. He instantly recognised the voice. How could he not? Everyone knew that voice.
Turning around, Dan was faced with none other than Phil Lester. He was dressed in all black, his leather jacket hanging off his shoulder. His black hair was scooped up into a quiff upon the top of his head, revealing his eye’s which were a striking blue, staring right back into Dan's fearful ones.
“You’re one to talk Lester, it’s lucky if you actually show up to class, let alone on time!” One of the boys retorted, snorting slightly as he spoke.
“Unlike you Jake, my grades are fine. Can’t say the same for your sorry ass. Remind me what happened last time you royally fucked an exam?” Phil calmly replied, Jake instantly getting quiet. Phil’s grades being good surprised Dan. English was the only class he had with him and Jake was right, it was a miracle if he was there.
“You gonna tutor me then?” Jake replied, sounding only slightly embarrassed about the memory Phil had carelessly brought into light. “Or you too busy with that slut? What was her name again?”
“What one?” Phil smirked, tilting his head. “And no, go to fucking class and see what happens, I have better things to do anyway”. With that, Phil stared back at Dan, who was still stood between the two boys. Dan felt suffocated staring back into Phil’s blue ones, he figured anyone would, yet he was unable to look away.
“Whatever” Jake dragged the word out “After you then.” He gestured past them, purposely knocking Dan on the arm, making Chris giggling slightly.
Phil sighed, shoving his hands into his pockets and starting off down the hallway past them. As he passed, he turned around, catching Dan’s eyes once more. “Been a while, Howell, good summer?” He asked, winking slightly as he spoke and before Dan even had a chance to respond, Phil had disappeared down the hall, and into the class Dan was now late for.
Dan didn’t even have time to be stunned by Phil’s question as the second he was out of sight, Dan had been pushed, body colliding with the lockers next to him.
“See ya around, fairy!” The boys laughed as they set off in the opposite direction, towards whatever class’s they had.
Gripping his arm in slight yet familiar pain, Dan pulled himself off of the locker with tears threatening to spill, tears he wouldn’t let fall because it was the first day for fuck sake. This year was meant to be different. He hadn’t even managed a class yet and things were already exactly the same.
Taking a deep breath and trying to pull himself together, he made his way down the hall, pushing open the door he had seen Phil enter just moments ago.
The boy in question was sat in his usual place, at the very back next to the window. Phil Lester had always been an anomaly. Despite what people said about him, no one really knew much about Phil at all. Sure, everyone knew who he was. He was basically famous at school. He was the guy who skipped classes to smoke behind the equipment shed, the guy who rode a motorbike to school dressed in a black leather jacket and denim jeans, the guy who always had a different girl on his arm and a group of boys following his every move and the only guy who could disappear for weeks at a time without anyone forgetting who he is. He was basically a walking cliché as far as Dan was concerned, but something about him had always made him different in Dan’s eyes. The thing is, Phil, although the leader of the group of boys that tormented Dan’s every waking day, had never actually hurled an insult at Dan himself. He’d never seen Phil get into a fight, or cause a commotion in the halls. He had a very cool way of carrying himself. In fact, Phil showing up during a fight was often what put an end to it. Dan had seen it multiple times before when he had been surrounded by Phil’s friends, nose bleeding and unable to move. He’d just show up and make a comment like ‘Don’t you assholes have better things to do’, before his friends would back off, and Phil would walk away, not even sparing a glance in Dan’s direction. Despite this, the girls still adored him, and the boys ached to be him and all the while, Phil remained seemingly unbothered by the attention. Phil Lester was a mystery.
This said however, Dan hated him. He hated him because if he wasn't going to pick on Dan and hurt Dan like all of the people he led, then why didn't he help? If he was so against the abuse why didn't he put an end to it? He had the entire school wrapped around his little finger, he knew the way people looked up to him surely, and yet he used none of his power for good, only ever watching carelessly from the sideline's while his minions did all the dirty work. In a way, Dan hated him more than the boys that actually caused him pain throughout the days.
“Nice to see you all back” The English teacher, Mr Green, greeted the class upon arrival. “This is going to be an extremely important year for you all, so let’s all work our hardest, and make an effort to always be present during class, I don’t want to see any attendance’s slipping this year.” Dan noted how Mr Greens eye’s traced through the class, falling upon Phil who was too busy staring out the window to have been paying attention to anything he was saying.
The class was fine, dragged on slightly but Dan was happy to get back into the normal swing of things. After the morning he had, he needed an escape into literature. He just hoped that he could get through the rest of the day without having another run-in like before.
By the time lunch drew around, Dan found himself in the cafeteria with PJ, who was stuffing his face with a cheese sandwich while telling Dan about everything he had gotten up to throughout the weeks Dan had not seen him. Not that Dan was really paying attention, his mind was still racing after the morning he had. It’s not like he wasn’t used to it though. By the end of last year, they could say anything to Dan and it would just leave him feeling slightly numb. Perhaps he got too used to the cosy and quiet summer.
“Everything alright?” PJ eventually asked, picking up on Dan's quiet state.
“All good Peej, just a stressful morning s’all.” Dan hoped it was enough to convince him, he couldn’t be arsed to explain right now.
“Hmm, you had class with Phil this morning, right?” He questioned. Dan really couldn't keep anything from him.
“Yeah, had a run-in with him and his friends just before English” Dan explained “Nothing new”. He shrugged his shoulders, sipping Ribena from his carton. He knew PJ would understand what he meant when he said a run-in.
“Well ignore them, they are probably just pissed that summer is over, and need someone to take it out on” He said, only looking mildly concerned. Dan nodded slightly. “C’mon, this year will be better. It’s our last, we gotta make the most of it. I have some people to introduce you to at the party on Saturday, they are super cool and I’m sure they will love you! You’re great Dan, you could really make some good friend’s if you tried.”
PJ continued babbling on about the friends he is sure will love Dan, but Dan was zoning out. He was exhausted from the lack of sleep on top of everything, yet he apricated PJ and everything he did for him, the least Dan could do was try and meet these people. What could go wrong? It certainly couldn’t get worse, and what’s so bad about having a few extra friends.
-
By the time 3:30 rolled around, Dan found himself back in the comfort of his home. He had managed to escape his mum’s prying questions upon arriving home, taking himself up to his room and collapsing on his bed. The day had continued with him managing to go unnoticed, only a few insults being spoken as he passed certain people in the halls and bathrooms. He even managed to make it out of school and onto the bus without seeing anyone who could cause him a problem. He didn’t see Phil again that day either, assuming he copped out and left early or something. It wouldn’t be out of character for Phil to bail on the first day.
In his room, Dan’s eyes began to flutter closed. Dan figured a nap would do no harm, besides, he knew sleep tonight was as good as impossible so catching an hour or two before dinner would be a good idea. He eventually fell asleep, his breathing lulling him back into darkness, where he was met with the same looming figure that had pulled him from his sleep, only a few hours ago.