Chapter Text
It's the worst moment of Castiel's life.
He knew this day would come.
He has known all along. Since the earliest second possible.
But it doesn’t make the pain any less real.
On the contrary, for some reason it lets it ache even more. He has no idea why that is — after all, he had enough time to prepare and “get used to it” —, however, the sheer force of all of this is almost too overwhelming all of a sudden.
He feels weak and pathetic, just like two months ago when Mary and John Winchester announced they were about to move away – four states over, to be precise –, naturally taking their two sons with them.
Castiel wasn’t surprised at the time. Ultimately, just a year before that, shortly after newly moving into the small house next to Castiel’s family, Dean Winchester introduced himself to the new neighbors with a proud smile and a nonchalant, “My mom is with the Air Force and we're traveling across the country a lot .”
So yes, Castiel knew right along that the whole spiel would be a temporary one. That the house besides theirs would be vacated soon enough again.
He had all the time to prepare.
Prepare to see the young family take their things out of their transient home and stash them into a moving van. Prepare to hear the rumble of the Impala for the very last time. Prepare to give the tightest hug imaginable.
Prepare to say goodbye to the best friend he ever had.
When the Winchesters moved into the house next door back then Castiel never expected to form such a personal bond with their eldest son. On first sight Dean appeared brash and loud, like a typical fourteen-year old boy, and Castiel felt no real desire to get to know him any closer. On the contrary, during the first weeks he tried almost everything to avoid the Winchester as good as possible.
But somehow Dean wormed himself into Castiel's life and showed him that next to the cocky attitude there was a kind soul with a sharp intellect and a big heart. Castiel had no chance escaping such a brightness for very long.
He was captured.
Captivated.
And now it hurts so much worse to let it go.
This life-changing Saturday morning is an annoyingly beautiful one. The sunshine and the chirping birds happily celebrating the day don't fit at all with Castiel's general mood. He feels sad and numb and would have preferred constant rain and the occasional thunder a thousand times more, matching the gloomy atmosphere way better.
He finds himself on the brink of tears the whole time he watches the Winchesters load their last belongings into the moving truck. They're used to the procedure at this point, a well-rehearsed team, and it takes no time at all for them to see the last of their stuff properly stored inside the vehicle.
Before he even knows what is happening both Mary and John say their goodbyes with kind smiles on their faces and little Sam, close to turning eleven years in a few weeks, pulls him in a bone-crushing hug that leaves Castiel breathless and makes him wonder how strong the boy will even become when he'll eventually be full-grown.
Castiel feels instantly devastated when he realizes he might never know.
“Bye, Cas,” Sam whispers into his shoulder. “It was awesome hanging out with you.”
And then he rushes off, like he can't take all the farewells anymore he had to endure since basically his whole life. Like he only has the strength to live with them by making it as short and painless as manageable and never look back.
Castiel can't say he blames him.
So he simply sighs as he watches Sam climb into the family's car – a Chevy Impala called Baby , as he was told by Dean multiple times before – and tries desperately not to think about the cruel truth that this might well be the very last time he would ever see him.
“Sorry about Sammy,” Dean picks up his voice right next to Castiel, his posture unusually tense as he watches his younger brother melt into the backseat and put some headphones on, as though eager to tune out the world around him. “He’s always so damned emotional.”
He sounds like his normal self. Calm, a little cocky. A slight scoff in his tone.
But his eyes … Castiel has never seen them like this before. Usually they spark with life, bright and so very colorful, but now they appear dull. Gray.
He obviously hasn’t slept much the night before and Castiel feels the almost unbearable urge to pull him into a tight embrace and offer him all the warmth and comfort he needs.
“Dean …” he whispers, so many emotions wavering in his voice.
His chest clenches uncomfortably while he asks himself how he could ever believe he might be capable of staying collected and composed in this moment. He seriously thought he could hold it together, he even practiced his speech in front of a mirror like a being unable to act fully human without exercises first.
And now they are here and he’s on the brink of tears.
How the hell did this happen?
“Cas, buddy,” Dean says, turning toward his friend. “Remember, we promised each other not to cry? Don’t fail me here, man.”
Dean’s tone is still steady. Allegedly unaffected.
But his face tells a completely different story. His red-rimmed eyes stare at Castiel with that intense gaze he grew to love and cherish over the last months. Castiel always had a habit to stare too intensely at people and usually everyone around him got awkward in his presence very fast, but for some reason Dean Winchester never seemed to mind. On the contrary, at some point he started to meet Castiel’s gaze, his eyes gleaming intently, and the atmosphere surrounding them got charged every single time.
Castiel will honestly miss this. He is pretty sure that nobody will ever look at him the same way Dean always did.
It feels like a loss way greater than anything he ever experienced.
“I remember my promise,” Castiel confesses, his voice shaky. “And I’m sorry for disappointing you …”
“No, no, no, Cas,” Dean is quick to jump in, reaching out and squeezing Castiel’s wrist in a gentle grip. “Don’t apologize, it’s okay.”
Castiel presses his lips into a thin line, unable to meet Dean’s eyes. “I’m just … it’s just so much … I wasn’t expecting …”
And then he finds himself inside Dean’s arms, strong and safe and so unbelievably sad. He inhales his friend’s scent, so achingly familiar by now, and sniffs right into Dean’s shirt.
Thankfully Dean doesn’t seem to mind one bit as he pulls Castiel even closer. “I know, Cas, I know,” he whispers, his voice hoarse. “But don’t forget – I’m gonna write. All the time. You’re gonna get sick of me, faster than you can blink.”
Castiel snorts at the mere idea. “Impossible.”
Dean falls silent after that and just keeps holding Castiel in his embrace. Like ever letting go is not in the cards right now.
Castiel is fairly aware that the hug lasts way longer than strictly necessary, bordering some edge he’s not sure how to interpret, but this might be the last time in a very long while — or maybe even the last time ever — with Dean wrapping him in his tight arms and Castiel will be damned if he didn’t use any second of that.
“I’ll never forget you, okay?” Dean promises, his warm breath brushing Castiel’s ear. “Never forget you and our tree house and your stupid books and dumb sarcasm and your blue eyes …”
He breaks off as a sound escapes his throat which almost sounds like a sob.
“I could never forget you.” It’s spoken so lowly Castiel isn’t even sure he was supposed to hear it.
And then it’s all over.
Dean pulls off and shoots Castiel one last watery smile before abruptly turning on his heels and rushing over to the Impala to join Sam in the backseat.
And soon enough they are gone.
That day Castiel cries for the very first time in a long while.
-----
As promised letters are fluttering into his house almost constantly soon after.
They talk about everything, just like before, and sometimes Castiel even manages to forget that they are thousands of miles between them now. It’s easy and carefree. It seems that Dean actually even seems able to open up more in these letters than he ever achieved in person. He talks about his fears and his doubts like never before and Castiel cherishes every single word written.
In a way it’s wonderful.
And yet unbelievably heartbreaking.
Because they are thousands of miles away from each other and even the occasional phone call doesn’t make the pain go away. On the contrary, seeing Dean’s inner thoughts written down, hearing his voice over a static phone connection, it actually makes it all worse.
Castiel doesn’t want to feel that way, he wants to enjoy every single bit he gets from Dean, but it’s getting harder and harder.
-----
So when eventually the letters and phone calls tone down and at some point stop entirely, Castiel feels both relieved and absolutely miserable.
He isn’t surprised because life happens and Dean is way too much of a free spirit to get hung up on an old friend from the past he’ll probably never see again.
He deserves to look into the future.
They both do.
So instead of feeling sorry for himself Castiel is just grateful that such an amazing person as Dean was part of his life, even just for a short while. Dean taught him to crawl more out of his shell, to be open to new things, and Castiel can’t thank him enough for that.
Dean Winchester will always be in his heart.
-----
It’s many years later when Castiel sees Dean again.
In the meantime a lot had happened. He graduated high school, went to college, joined the workforce, got married, adopted two kids, ended up divorced, got an amazing job offer, moved into a whole new town and bought a cute little house right on the edge of a forest to make a home for himself and his family.
So on that very day, with five-year old Claire gripping his fingers and being absolutely dedicated to the ice cream cone in her hands, suddenly seeing himself confronted with Dean Winchester’s face was about the last thing Castiel expected on a sunny Thursday afternoon.
Or at all.
But there he is.
Right on the cover of a very shiny and glamorous looking magazine.
Accompanied by the headline, “Dean Winchester – Hollywood’s new sweetheart and most promising newcomer”!
Huh.
Well.
It seems that Castiel will see a lot more of Dean in the future than he ever anticipated.
Life seriously is funny sometimes.