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The glasses in the top cabinet mock him.
He’s still adjusting to the “power to choose,” his sponsor says.
Is it wrong that he feels like those stupid glasses keep mocking him? Is it wrong that he feels like they are stronger than his power to choose? To say no?
Kukui is irrationally weak to those glasses. They’re only melted-down sand. Shatterable.
Why is he even obsessing over the glasses? It’s what goes inside them that overpowers him.
No, no. He’s looking at this the wrong way. It’s not a battle, it’s not a power struggle, it’s an acceptance. It’s finding the ability to acknowledge the desire and then choose to not give in, to work with it instead, like a...colleague or something. Or maybe it’s more like a really clingy friend. Regardless, he has to find a way to make the desire his companion, not his slavedriver.
He puts his face in his palms and closes his eyes. He takes a deep breath, imagines he’s anywhere else but here—with the wide-open cabinet and the ever-alluring glasses.
Take the elephant by the hand and hold it
Why does he feel so out of control?
It’s cruel to tame a thing that don’t know its strength
Everyone is wrong—there’s no way he can actually stay sober.
But better to walk beside it, mm, than underneath
But what about the consequences? What will people say, what will people think? No, fuck that, he needs to do this for himself, right?
My kind companion
Make it a friend. Hey, I’m Kukui. Don’t introduce yourself, I know who you are—you’re alcoholism, and you’re my friend. You aren’t my master.
Softens stone
And yet, how can it be reckoned with so easily? The sheer power it has on him...he can feel it on his tongue, burning, begging him to cave.
My gentle giant
But at least it’s all his. All in his mind. The power to choose, the power to subdue—his power. His friend, it’s all his. He’s in control. It’s his.
Painful reminder
Kukui waits there, elbows against the counter, palms cradling his cheeks, for another breath.
A wary voice: “...Honey? You okay? Come back to bed.”
He slams the cabinet door.
C’mon, friend, we’re done here.