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The muffled screams of the sunset are sometimes loud, sometimes quiet, but ever present. Welcome to Nightvale.
Dear listeners, I am broadcasting to you from my home - as always, I apologize in advance for any door slams, noises of mortal objects being irreparably shattered, and impolite cat verbalizations, Koshek is just so demandingly adorable!
It is Day 19 since the enactment of the new Bylaw prohibiting citizens from going outside more than necessary. Mayor Dana Cardinal made her usual daily update: "Everything is going JUST FINE. Please, please do not go outside. It is not worth it." No one is quite sure what we are afraid of, but we know that it is as serious as Annual Street Cleaning Day. Maybe even worse.
Efforts are being made to arrest escaped criminal Hyver McDaniels, the four-headed dragon, who remains one of the few individuals defying the new bylaw. his motives for defiance is still obscure, but the leading theory is his er, "lack of respect for authority". McDaniels has garnered some at-home sympathizers within the community, who in solidarity created a GoFundMe for what they see is the real cause of McDaniels' criminality, homelessness. The GoFundMe has already reached its goal of raising 1000 awareness to his homelessness situation, and was well on its way to achieving stretch goals such as "puppers for keepers" and "starter board game collection". Unfortunately, the secret police shut down the campaign, citing the ridiculousness the problem. "McDaniels has a perfectly maintained cell, funded by the people, at the local penitentiary. He is a troubled and dangerous individual, ”. The already funded awareness have been confiscated by the secret police, since awareness, as we all know, is a daaaangerous weapon that cannot be entrusted to the public. More to come on this later.
Community Events: Weekdays are to be cancelled indefinitely, replaced by “today”. The city council has determined that weekdays are a waste of resources that they do not have the budget to fund, seeing that all community events are to be cancelled indefinitely. This includes the Opera House, the Desert Bowling Alley, Dark Owl Records, and all schools and colleges. I won’t have to check with my calendar later to see if there’s anything that affects me personally, and neither do you listener! The city council has advised all citizens to submit their personal calendars to their personal secret agents for recycling. Luckily for my husband Carlos, he’s away at work all the time anyways, especially now, soooo no change there. The Museum of Forbidden Technology remains open, since visiting is forbidden. [sigh] I’m gonna miss Friday night bowling.
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Have you ever dug up your own diary, reread it, and not remember any of what you’ve written? And reading it transports you back to a time with a different you in a different life? Until the inevitability of time sinks in, and the burden that you cannot communicate with your future or past selves becomes crushing?
Costco. Make your shopping experiences memorable.
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Our self-care tip of the week comes from local guru, Lisa Herring. She’s joining us today from her brand new home yoga studio that just opened last week. Listeners, Lisa has given me the most fantastic life advice on everything from maximizing my blood stones to learning how to fold origami using thinly veiled emotions. Lisa, it’s so good to have you here today with us.
Lisa: Thanks Cecil, I’m excited to be here in my house!
Cecil: So what secret life hacks are you sharing with us today Lisa?
Lisa: Well Carlos, today I’m going to be sharing my ultimate secret on how to give yourself an at-home spa treatment.
Cecil: Ooh do tell.
LIsa: It’s very simple recipe for a nourishing bath soak, using ingredients that you probably already have at home! The most important ingredient here is...glue.
Cecil: [gasps] that’s ingenius! I never have thought about that!
Lisa: It’s definitely a very overlooked household item with many different uses which I would be happy to go into further details in another episode. Glue is the ideal skincare ingredient, because skin elasticity is the biggest beauty problem we have as we age, so the glue will ensure that your skin holds itself together and lets you age beautifully. It’s very important to use a binding agent for your skin, otherwise you might end up like the president of the school board.
There’s lots of types of glues you can use and they’ll all have slightly different effects. Glue stick is a favorite if you’re just getting into skincare. Liquid glue and glue gun sticks work just as well. Even tape works if you’re willing to wait for a few hours of soaking. I recommend at least adding one glue stick per hot bath, but there’s no limit as to how much you can use. You would still have to go to a spa for the full experience, since it’d get pretty expensive at home if you don’t use any water! [laugh]
Cecil: Thank you Lisa! I’ve got to go try this next time I bathe. We'll be back with you next week!
Lisa: Bye Cecil!
Arby’s is open for business as usual. However, only tall hooded figures are allowed to enter and purchase orders. So, listeners, I hope you have all prepared your government approved emergency hoods for your dining adventures. I know I do. Carlos, my husband, even complimented me in mine, but I know he’s just being nice because no one looks good in those things. Aww Carlos, he’s such a sweetheart. If you’re not tall enough from just putting on your hooded robe, consider adding stilts to be considered tall enough, which is an undetermined height enforced by the other hooded figures.
A line has started forming in front of the monolith. The line is not sure what it whats, but it desires. There is a sense of growing unsettling dissatisfaction
The line formation does not chant, does not make a single sound, but they are LOUD. Listener, I too find myself amongst the line. I hear the undying screamings of the masses through the dead silence. Each of us is so very alone in this world. We are born alone in our own head and we die alone. ...before I give in to the compulsion to stand and scream wordlessly, I bring you...
The weather.
Whew listeners, I just found myself back at home after that incredible group meditation experience at the monolith today. We were all gathered at the monolith, our souls crying in existential despair. We all marvelled at the sight of a great planet, its treelines dark, and our despair deepened and stretched endlessly.
And then, through it all, the weather broke through. First faint but growing louder until it alone occupied our skulls, it captured us when nothing else could. Slowly, our cries of despair turned to cries of catharsis, catharsis to calm, and calm to solace. Maybe we all found something different, but we all. found. Something. In existing we find the reason for existence.
I’ll see you all for tomorrow’s group meditation session.
Good night, Night Vale, good night.