Archive of Our Own ^beta

Kenshin had started collecting varieties of tea, both in Second Life and in what he was stubbornly calling “First Life” because in what way was it more real than his world anyway? Both his bodies enjoyed the teas and both enjoyed the company of sharing it with someone.

Usually.

He was in First Life today and examining Arctic Fox’s latest gift to him; a prettily patterned hair tie. It wasn’t as overtly feminine as some of his other gifts; the maid’s dress for example, but it still served as a bitter reminder.

Why can’t he be more like Gui? Kenshin thought resentfully. Whether it was the male Prince or the female Xiao Lan, Gui loved his spouse whole-heartedly. He treated her with unequivocal affection and respect. To be loved like that… You are fortunate indeed Prince.

Privately, Kenshin had asked the Dictator of Life to let him try being a woman in Second Life for a short time, to see how it felt. There was a wrongness about the body that had shaken his core and he had no desire to repeat the experiment.

Yet…

He rather liked Arctic Fox’s attentions. Fox was handsome, strong, stoic… Kenshin would have been happy to increase their intimacy. Just not as a woman.

Angrily, Kenshin threw the hair tie into the same box he kept the dress and any other gifts too feminine for day to day use in. Then he hauled the box out by the trash, deliberately leaving it open. He was expecting Fox within the hour for their usual tea and sparring appointment; it was time to send a message. Previously, he’d tried to discreetly hint that the attentions themselves were not unwelcome by using the feminine gifts just once and the masculine ones often but he felt some breaking point had been reached.

I want to be loved as I am. Not as you want me to be.

He even deliberately left his hair loose and messy, making it clear he needed a hair tie and had still chosen to throw out a brand new (probably expensive) one.

Should I cut it? He mused, before catching himself. The point was to punish Fox for not valuing him as Kenshin himself felt comfortable; and that was as a man with long, deep red hair. Cutting his hair short to appear more masculine would simply be compromising to a different outsider’s ideal.

He set up both tea set and sparring arena and waited.

When Fox arrived, a casual observer would have assumed he had either not noticed the gifts in the trash or hadn’t cared. Kenshin, however, could see a crease in his brows and worry in the brown eyes, softening their usual ice.

Good. Kenshin folded his arms, waiting for him to speak first.

‘You threw them out.’ Fox began, his jaw clenched.

‘I did. They’re gifts for a woman.’ Kenshin retorted.

‘That’s not the point.’ Fox huffed.

‘Yes. It is.’ Kenshin glared at him. ‘You wish I were a woman, correct?’

‘Yes, because-’

‘Then get out.’ Kenshin didn’t wait for excuses. ‘There isn’t any point meeting for tea; if you wish to spar challenge me in the coliseum.’ He logged out of his synthetic body, returning to Second Life, not noticing the usually unflappable Silver Flash Fox run forward to catch the collapsing body with a cry of alarm.

~*~

Kenshin went to his home in Infinite City and began making himself tea. Pain stung his heart but he worked mechanically, resisting the urge to contact Sunshine.

‘Kenshin?’ Prince’s soft voice called through the wooden door, followed by a knock. ‘Can I come in?’

Kenshin strode over and yanked the door open. ‘You’ll have to arrange dinner for yourself tonight.’

Shock and hurt mixed on the handsome face. ‘Do you think that’s why we’re happy to have you live with us? Kenshin… We really appreciate you taking care of the house, but it’s your home even if you never did chores!’

The fight drained out of Kenshin, replaced by guilt. He’d spoken to Prince not long after Dian’s defeat about how he felt more like a pet than a person to her, and believed Prince’s horror and guilty explanation that she’d been trying to act more like a lord, not realising Kenshin was relatively bound by those orders. Since then, though the Dictator of Life had been able to free Kenshin and Sunshine from their pet status, Prince had been careful not to be too bossy toward him, and he chided himself for pettishly using it to hurt her now.

‘I know. I was… otherwise unhappy. I’m sorry.’ He sighed now. ‘Would you like to come in for some tea?’

‘If you want me to… I just came to check you were alright, you usually put your First Life body somewhere safe when you log in here but today…’ Prince trailed off awkwardly.

‘I had a disagreement with Arctic Fox and chose not to listen to his stubbornness.’ Kenshin shrugged and waved Prince inside.

‘Yeah… I asked him to let me check on you so he could give you space to cool off but I’m pretty sure you basically have until he gets to his headset before he’s here.’ Prince sighed.

Kenshin brought up the system menu and removed Fox from the players allowed to enter his home unless specifically let in by him. Prince watched this in silence.

‘…We’re no longer friends.’ Kenshin explained, hating the childish sound of the statement. Sadly it was the most accurate. They hadn’t been anything more than friends. Because I’m a man.

‘Can I ask why?’ Prince frowned. ‘You two have seemed like birds of a feather since I first saw you together.’

‘I don’t think you could understand.’ Kenshin frowned, thinking again of Gui.

‘I could try… We’re still friends, right?’ Prince laughed nervously.

Kenshin sighed. ‘I’m tired of him trying to persuade me to be a woman. I’m sure it’s not a big deal to you; who switches freely, but I only feel comfortable as a man.’

A strange look crossed Prince’s face. ‘I don’t think it’s quite the same thing but… I understand something similar.’

‘You do?’ Kenshin poured out the tea and eagerly awaited the follow up.

‘When I first became Prince, I was set free. Free from having to be cute and protected and pure. I was born a girl, so I never questioned that lot in life but… Being Prince… it felt like finally being me. And some days… Some days I don’t want to log off because I can wear men’s clothes and take the lead over my husband all I like, but I’m still a woman. And sometimes that body just feels… Like it’s not mine.’ Prince hugged… herself? Himself? I’m not sure which is more appropriate…

‘That’s… exactly how it feels. It can be exactly me just with small breasts and different sexual organs but… it doesn’t feel like my body.’ Kenshin confessed.

‘Kenshin… please don’t tell anyone this, not even Sunshine?’ Prince begged, suddenly nervous. ‘Nobody knows but Gui… and Lolidragon might have guessed. I tried to talk about this with my brother once but he just didn’t get it and… I’m sick of being thought of as weird.’

‘Have you ever considered you might be… Born the wrong way around?’ Kenshin suggested, remembering various articles he’d found when privately investigating Fox’s wish for him.

‘Maybe but… sometimes I love being a girl! It feels 100% right and I like being treated as one… Just not all the time. I could be a man full time but I feel like… I’d get the same problem but without a “Princess” to run away to.’ Prince explained, flushing.

‘I’m… not sure I entirely understand. But it does make sense.’ Kenshin frowned.

‘Thank you.’ Prince hesitated. ‘And sorry for not… helping you make Arctic Fox listen sooner. I didn’t realise it was causing you so much stress; you did things like wear the dress so I thought you didn’t mind as long as you were still a guy.’

Usually, Kenshin would have shut down the conversation at this point, but he felt moved by Prince’s honesty. ‘I actually don’t mind. The dress is more of a sometimes thing but… feminine china, pretty hair ties, delicate jewellery… I like it all very much. I… treasured those gifts, both in their own right and for the sender. I just… hate the constant reminder that in Fox’s eyes I’m imperfect unless I’m a woman.’

Prince’s eyes flashed with the occasional lucky insights he got. ‘That’s why you didn’t think I could understand… Because Gui…’

‘Loves you regardless. I’m willing to bet when you told him what you told me, his only concern was how he could make things more comfortable for you.’ Kenshin finished with a sigh.

Prince nodded, blushing and smiling tenderly. ‘It’s… one of the things that attracted me more to Gui than Zhuo-Gege… Zhuo-Gege always loved the sweet little girl I was… Gui loves all I am, man, woman and in between.’

Kenshin’s heart hurt once more and he hid his envy in a sip of tea. His message channel lit up with a soft chime, inaudible to anyone else, informing him that he’d received a private message from Arctic Fox. ‘It begins…’

‘Kenshin… I know I don’t have any right to say this after what I just told you but… I think you should tell Arctic Fox exactly what you told me before you destroy your relationship with someone you clearly care for deeply. You openly said you treasured a maid’s dress because it was from him. And on that note… I’ll log out and rescue them from the trash.’

Kenshin frowned. ‘You don’t have to.’

‘You only wanted to send a message… You might regret losing those things. I’ll put them away so you don’t have to see them, but you should at least wait until you’re calmer to make the decision.’ Prince said firmly, before hurrying to the guest room to log off.

Kenshin allowed this, secretly relieved. The mental image of his treasures rotting in a dump had been troubling him since the pride of taking a stand wore off.

~*~

He ignored the messages, but when Arctic Fox showed up at his home he let him in, secure in the knowledge he could eject him in an instant.

‘You didn’t let me finish.’ Fox said at once.

‘That’s because the reason doesn’t matter. I’m a man. That isn’t changing; so either you love me as I am right now or you don’t love me at all.’ Kenshin stared him down.

‘It’s not that simple for me-’ Fox tried again.

‘It’s that simple for me. There aren’t any shades of grey here Fox.’ Kenshin held the eye-contact, unyielding.

‘Of course I love you!’ Fox blurted, his usually unflappable face finally blushing.

‘Then can you kiss me? As I am, in this body?’ Kenshin narrowed his eyes to an icy glare. ‘Otherwise, you may as well have said not at all.’

Fox hesitated; too long.

‘Goodbye, Arctic Fox.’ Kenshin hit the system command, forcibly ejecting Fox from his home, and meditated, closing his eyes and ears to the shouting outside of his second love.

~*~

It was a full week later that Kenshin finally logged back into First Life, awakening his synthetic body. He was relieved to realise it wasn’t damaged and had been considerately carried to his bed and tucked in, though it was immune to cold.

He was half expecting a bevy of parcels of unsuitably feminine gifts, but to his surprise (and slight disappointment), Fox had apparently taken their last parting as final. Kenshin even asked Gui hopefully if he had received any calls while out, but Gui sympathetically told him there had only been one from Sunshine, letting them know he was expecting to return at the end of the month.

He spent the next three days steeling himself not to use the phone Fox had given him for their own communication only. At the end of the third, he cracked and asked Xiao Lan where she’d hidden his box. She showed him up to the attic storeroom and he spent a broody evening turning them over. A lot of them reminded him of gifts he’d given his lover – if his backstory had any reality to it. A silk fan, beautiful accessories, delicate china. Come to think of it… He carried the box down and gathered up the other gifts Fox had given him; the masculine ones. Differently decorated scabbards (for both deliberately visible and discreet ways of carrying his blades), interesting knives, rare teas, formal accessories like cufflinks, technological gadgets like a radio shaped like a samurai… They’re similar to things she might have given me in this era. Things I wouldn’t expect from a friend or relative.

Kenshin thought back to Fox’s words that day. When confronted that they were gifts for a woman, Fox had said that’s not the point.

Kenshin had taken it to mean “not the point of the conversation I’m trying to have with you”… But perhaps he’d meant “not the point of the gift”! For male-focussed and female-focussed gifts alike shared one theme; they were things you’d expect to receive from a lover.

Heat flooded Kenshin’s cheeks. (Had Gui and Wicked had to make this body quite so realistic?) As one who disliked words and their easy lies as much as Fox did, he well understood the desire to express oneself through actions. (Hadn’t he demanded that? Wanting a kiss over a confession?) Had the gifts all been feminine (or just all feminine and warrior oriented), he’d have thought his initial interpretation of “I want you to be a girl” was correct. But so many of the gifts were outright masculine… Maybe it isn’t as simple as yes or no? But… I still don’t want to be a woman.

Kenshin meditated on this for a while. He was a man. This was an irrefutable truth. Yet another came to the fore, the longer he thought; I want to see Fox.

He grabbed the little phone that he had carefully hidden from all authorities and called Fox. He waited out ten rings before being told the other party was unavailable and advised to try again later.

He must be in the other world. Kenshin impatiently laid himself down on his bed and logged back into Second Life. It said Fox was offline, but there were unread messages from him from a week ago. Firstly, from before their conversation in Kenshin’s house:

ArcticFox: Kenshin?

ArcticFox: Please reply.

ArcticFox: Kenshin, let me explain.

ArcticFox: I’m coming to talk to you, okay?

ArcticFox: Just hear me out.

And finally, just one that must have been sent withing minutes of Kenshin throwing him out.

ArcticFox: I understand. I’ll sort things out, so please hear me out in full once it’s done. Please don’t forget that I love you.

Fear spiralled out so quickly that it jammed Kenshin’s code and for a moment his avatar flickered in place. There was a finality in the message, a possible goodbye that just didn’t fit. Fox wouldn’t take this as an end. Not just from me ignoring a message for a week.

Kenshin: Dictator of Life?

DoL: Kenshin, how may I help you?

Kenshin: I’m sorry to bother you but I need a large favour, can I come over?

No sooner was this message received that Kenshin found himself in the Dictator’s palace.

‘Kenshin.’ The Dictator smiled easily. ‘Tell me what you need.’

‘I need to find Arctic Fox… I’m afraid for his safety.’ Kenshin blurted.

The Dictator paused a moment. ‘How strange… He logged out a week ago and hasn’t logged back in.’ He shook his head. ‘I’m sorry Kenshin… If I used my powers to look into the real world again… They’d delete the whole game. Father did too much damage.’

‘I understand… I’ll search myself. Please, call me at once if he logs in, and ask him to wait for me.’ Kenshin began logging back to First Life at once.

‘Kenshin… be careful.’ Dictator of Life frowned, worry creasing his face. ‘Arctic Fox’s First Life is…’

‘I know.’

~*~

Kenshin took two swords and a dagger he’d received from Fox to Fox’s home, grateful he’d accepted so many invitations there. He didn’t try knocking, instead sneaking in through an open window and dodging guards until he was just one corner away from Fox’s bedroom. Three armed guards were keeping watch outside; a difficult number. Kenshin wasn’t sure he could incapacitate them all without at least one getting time to spring an alarm.

Unless… He took out his pocket computer and used the password Fox had given him to get into the basic security. (Another clear overture of love I missed.) He quickly created an urgent alert in the backyard and laid low while the guards all rushed to investigate. Then it was a simple matter to slip along the corridor and silently enter the room. Fox himself would notice, and probably capture Kenshin, but that would be fine. Kenshin would be recognised before he was harmed.

Sure enough, he hadn’t even fully crossed the threshold before he was slammed into the wall, the point of a dagger nestled into the base of his skull. He simply held still and heard the gasp of recognition as he was freed.

‘Kenshin! You came!’ Fox grasped his arms, the closest Kenshin had ever seen him to smiling.

‘Yes, I… I was being childish. I refused to check your messages or return to First Life… I was… frightened… When I heard you hadn’t logged onto Second Life since your message…’ Kenshin flushed once more.

‘It was childish… but so was refusing to explain…’ Fox sighed. ‘Or consider your point.’

‘What did you need to ‘sort out’? Why haven’t I heard from you all week? Why didn’t you answer your phone?’ Kenshin pushed, aware that the guards would be back soon.

‘Come sit, I’ll have tea sent up.’ Fox gently tugged his arm, leading him to the chairs by the fireside before beginning to speak. ‘…My syndicate does not permit same-sex relationships. So when you made it clear I could love you as a man or not at all… I had to get permission. Doing so without, even in Second Life only… It would be punishable by death.’

It actually wasn’t that simple. Kenshin thought guiltily. I just thought he had a personal distaste for it.

‘So, I left to speak to my boss… I explained that I understood his concerns but this was an… exceptional circumstance. He agreed to grant me an exemption if I undertook a particular mission…’ Fox hesitated.

‘More dangerous than you’d usually accept.’ Kenshin inferred grimly.

‘…Yes. Our biggest rivals, the Hellblazer Syndicate, have lost their top ten men this week.’ Arctic Fox paused, allowing himself a moment of pride, before his face turned grave. ‘However… I couldn’t carry it out without incurring damages… I’ve been in a healing pod for three days, they let me out less than an hour ago… I must have been in while you called.’

Kenshin crossed the gap between them at once, drawing the absurdly powerful human into his arms and holding him tightly.

‘Ken-’

‘Not yet.’ Kenshin’s voice shook slightly.

Fox tentatively wrapped his arms around Kenshin’s waist. It was awkward and not particularly comfortable, but Kenshin wasn’t able to convey in words the worry he’d felt, nor the guilt that followed. He could only hold him and hope the feelings transmitted.

‘Kenshin… The boss is going to be here soon… You should leave.’ Fox released him reluctantly.

‘For my sake, or yours?’ Kenshin asked, eyes flashing. ‘If you’re needlessly trying to protect me…’

To his surprise, the hardened assassin blushed. ‘I plan to confirm his approval of my plan to date you while we’re both men. That’s… embarrassing to do in front of you, though it may be easier if I can demonstrate you’re hardly a vulnerability.’

‘I’ll go.’ Kenshin sighed, not trusting his anger. ‘Meet me when you’re done?’

‘Which world?’

‘This one; Xiao Lan and Gui aren’t going to be home, so we’ll have more privacy to talk.’

~*~

Kenshin picked his clothes carefully; very similar to his Second Life outfit but making sure to tie up his hair with the present that had kicked all this off. He also made sure the room was extra clean and inviting and began brewing Arctic Fox’s favourite tea, running to the store to pick up his favourite snacks as an afterthought. (The cold hearted assassin couldn’t resist custard doughnuts.)

When Fox finally arrived, he could see the attentions were mutual; he had chosen a flashier, smarter outfit than usual and had the tie clip Kenshin had chosen for his birthday prominently displayed.

They drank their tea in silence, both contemplating what they wanted to say.

‘I really should have asked before all this; do you love me?’ Arctic Fox finally broke the silence.

Always preferring actions to words, Kenshin crossed the room and kissed him fiercely. Fox began kissing back at once, standing to bring their bodies closer. Kenshin began to fully appreciate the quality of his body; every touch felt as real as anything he could picture. (Remember?)

‘I love you.’ Kenshin confirmed softly, when they finally broke apart.

Fox’s face split into a sincere smile and he moved into another kiss. ‘I love you too… So, when do we get married?’

Kenshin groaned softly. ‘You’ll never change will you?’ He huffed, already preparing a speech on the proper order of things.

Fox smirked and tugged him into a deeper, more aggressive kiss, that left Kenshin feeling breathless. (Ridiculous! I don’t even need to breathe!) ‘Why would I change? You love me exactly as I am.’