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When you realize that life is just a whirl, and there’s you still trying to process the fact that there really is nothing permanent in this lifetime, what would you do?
Will you give up and just consider that eventually, life will stop right in front of your very eyes? Or live, to make a move and try to change the course of life even when it is already destined to something that no one ever expected to happen?
Or move forward? To accept your fate, and keep going because pain is inevitable and you wanted to live your life not just for yourself, but for all those who believe in you?
This is a story of 2 young men, whose lives are destined to meet, yet their separate lives are meant for something... something that only one of them knows.
~~
Sunday morning.
“Hey! Your mail got mixed up again in my mailbox!”
He hastened his pace upon hearing the landlady’s voice. The lady’s voice is as cheerful as usual, matching his own energetic greeting as well.
“Good morning! I’m sorry, I really need to update the mailman about this.”
“Don’t worry, I kinda got used to it. Besides, you live here in this complex so I guess it’s alright.”
He smiled. Although he appreciates how nice and approachable his landlady is, he really needs to update the mailman that their mail boxes are separate, given the fact that there are mail boxes for each floor.
“I better get going! And good morning, Haruka-san!”
“Good morning, Iwaizumi-kun!” The old lady replied, continuing to water her plants right in front of the apartment building.
Oikawa dropped his things on the floor, not really bothering to take off his shoes as he entered. He was tired—no, exhausted even. He just finished a 14-hour shift at the hospital all because his co-worker that was supposed to cover the extra hours didn’t show up. The hospital was full, so he was asked to take an extra shift, to his dismay.
He just wanted to see his Iwa-chan.
He heard mumblings, a deeper voice, (because it sounds different from the deeper Iwa-chan voice that he knows. As he approaches the door, he hears… A sob—someone’s crying?
No, he definitely hears more than 1 person that’s sniffing—wait, Iwa-chan invited people?
Oikawa checked out the mini cabinet to check and there are in fact, other shoes that he barely recognizes.
“Hajime, you can’t do this. You said you wanted to continue living!”
“Mom, I’m hurting. I’m hurting people. I’m hurting everyone around me. I’m hurting Tooru. I don’t want to continue living if the only thing I’m doing as I breathe is the fact that I’m making everything difficult for Tooru.”
Oikawa’s heart froze.
Oikawa dropped his bag. Seems like they didn’t even hear him enter in the first place.
They all shared one look towards Oikawa. Oikawa, who’s just completely frozen, didn’t even realize there were tears coming out from his eyes. When did they come out?
“Iwa—”
“I was planning on telling you sooner—”
“But you didn’t.”
Hajime’s mom diverted his eyes back to his son, “You didn’t tell him, Hajime?”
“Tell me what?”
There w as silence.
--
It’s been 4 years since Iwaizumi Hajime succumbed to cancer, his lifelong enemy ever since graduating college. It started with just a lump on his leg; assuming that it’s just a simple injury or a stretched muscle that swollen. Until days, weeks passed and he suddenly felt getting weaker, the lump on his leg never left, Iwaizumi decided to have himself checked up.
Oikawa called him that day.
“Tooru. I’ll come home late. I have an appointment with Doctor Kris later.”
“Oh, did you run out of meds? You could’ve told me earlier, Iwa-chan. I stopped by there earlier because I picked up some of your maintenance.”
“Don’t worry about it. Listen, I’ll call you back, okay? Doctor’s here.”
“Love you Iwa-chan!”
The call ended.
Which is a bit weird for Oikawa. Iwa-chan never ends their call without I love you? The first time Iwaizumi did that, Oikawa sent him a barrage of texts, complaining “Where’s my I love you?! ( ＞Д＜；)” “You don’t love me anymore ( >д<)､;’.･"
But Oikawa let it slip this time. Perhaps Iwaizumi is on a rush.
Iwaizumi lied.
He’s not meeting Doctor Kris, his resident doctor for his sickness.
He’s becoming weaker. He can feel it. Albeit the strong appearance that he shows to everyone, he can actually feel his own body starting to deteriorate inside. Walking has become an exhausting task for him. Breathing has been the most difficult, especially when he tries to walk at his pace when he was healthy. He usually walks on the other side of sidewalks, a habit that he developed whenever he and Tooru walk together but now he supports himself by holding against shop windows that he passes along the road,
He witnesses Oikawa getting up at 3am just to accommodate him to go to the bathroom because for some reasons, Oikawa has gotten reflexes whenever he feels Iwaizumi make even the slightest movement. Even when Iwaizumi tells his boyfriend that he can manage, Oikawa doesn’t go away, instead he walks alongside him, guiding him in every step.
It’s been like this for almost 2 years now, he needs to act soon.
Today, Iwaizumi felt better. So he decided to finally go to this doctor that he found online.
“I’m here for Doctor Smith? I made an appointment a week ago from your website.”
The receptionist gave him a small smile.
“You must be Iwaizumi Hajime, please. This way.”
He was assisted from the entrance up to the main door of the doctor’s office. Clearly this was it, Charles Smith, PAS. was written on the front door.
“Doctor, Iwaizumi-san is here.”
“Thank you, Hikaru.”
Iwaizumi’s eyes suddenly scan the whole office. It was plain white, the kind of white that makes you feel sick of how boring it looks like. The kind where kids will automatically know that they’re going to have their vaccines and start crying to their mothers because they just want to go home.
“Hello, Mr. Iwaizumi. I’m Charles. I’m pleased to meet you.”
Charles reached out his hand, in which Iwaizumi returned the gesture and they shook hands. Iwaizumi was offered a seat while Charles grabbed some papers. Iwaizumi was guessing it’s for information purposes.
Iwaizumi felt an unsettling feeling. He suddenly wants to ask himself if he still wants to do this. Is this worth it? He asks himself, will this pay off?
He knows that by doing this would hurt a lot, but why does he still want to do it?
So Tooru won’t have any burden anymore.
Ah.
So Tooru does not have to wake up at wee hours in the morning when Iwaizumi suddenly wakes up because a shot of pain suddenly lingers inside him. So that Tooru won’t have to assist him anymore when going to the toilet, or by doing even the simplest tasks. So Tooru won’t have to work until midnight just to give his share in paying Iwaizumi’s medication.
All of these, that’s why he is here today.
To be assisted to finally end his life.
--
“Hajime…Why.”
It was not a question, Iwaizumi thought. It was a statement; Why. But to save face, he hides his face from his boyfriend and he lowered his head to stare at his hands.
“Hajime, son. Please, why didn’t you tell Tooru about this?”
As soon as Hajime’s mother dropped this question, Tooru suddenly fell on to his knees, his hands on his face as he cried out everything. His sobs are silent, but the tension and the heaviness can be felt inside the room.
After all, he is the one that hurts the most.
“I want to end your suffering, Tooru. Please understand, I don’t want you having to do so many jobs at once just to get more money for my medication. I don’t want you coming home with such an exhausted face, and still continue to take care of me because I’ve become completely useless. I don’t---”
“It won’t end it.”
He looked at Tooru, his pained face, tears overflowing, yet face so stoic, it’s like life has left his soul; Tooru’s eyes staring blankly at Hajime’s face while Hajime scans for a bit of understanding.
But is it really Oikawa that should understand, or is it Iwaizumi that needs to understand?
“You don’t realize it, do you.”
Again, another statement. It was not a question and Iwaizumi is aware of it.
“You don’t understand.”
“What do you mean?”
“There’s nothing fo r me here if you’re not part of it. This suffering will never end. Because…y’you’re gone.”
“You are my world, Hajime. You are my whole life.”
There was silence. Iwaizumi’s parents have not spoken ever since Oikawa spoke. They knew that this is something they won’t meddle, as this is their son’s decision. But what hurts them the most, is to see their son break down to pieces, and they can’t do anything because to simply put it, death is inevitable.
Iwaizumi’s mom was alongside Hajime the entire time, giving him small rubs at the back; a small gesture yet a big help for Hajime as he’s not sure how and where to place his pain anymore. His dad, however, was sitting on the couch in their living room, a cigarette in between his fingers. He knew this was coming; knowing his own son, he knew that Hajime will figure out something to end his pain.
However, an assisted suicide was not on his mind. And his heart breaks for his son, because again, he can’t do anything to stop Hajime from doing it,
The tension was broken when Oikawa did it; he was doing the laugh-cry and Iwaizumi froze.
Being with Oikawa for almost his entire life, Iwaizumi understands when Oikawa starts doing this all of a sudden. On their junior high, Oikawa did this when he can’t do anything to save a cat’s life from drowning in the river as he did not know how to swim and there is no one to ask for help as it was raining. When Iwaizumi arrived at the scene, that’s when Oikawa started laughing while crying, saying “I can’t help him Iwa-chan.” He hugged Oikawa under the rain.
High school; when they lost to their rival school at the volleyball tournament.
Iwaizumi went to their locker room, picking up Oikawa that he found lying on the floor with tear-strained face, staring blankly at the ceiling.
Oikawa started crying again when Iwaizumi hugged and kissed him. They stayed on the floor, with Iwaizumi’s arms wrapped around Oikawa as Oikawa settled himself on Iwaizumi’s lap, his head resting on Iwaizumi’s shoulder. Among everyone, it was Iwaizumi who knows how important volleyball and winning is for Oikawa.
Oikawa suddenly started the laugh-cry again in which Iwaizumi responded.
“Why do you keep doing that?”
As tears fall from Oikawa’s eyes, he looked at Iwaizumi, laughing and crying.
“It’s alright if it’s just me that keeps on losing because that way, it’s all me. But, I feel sorry for our teammates…”
Iwaizumi looked at Oikawa.
“I can’t help them Iwa-chan.”
--
“Guess I can’t help you too, Iwa-chan,”
Iwaizumi’s heart shattered.
He tried to stand up. He wanted to reach out to Oikawa but his legs are giving up. He feels so weak and so helpless. The person he wants to reach out is actually just right there in front of him. Yet he feels so far away. To Oikawa, Iwaizumi is like the cat that he wanted to help but can’t because he doesn’t know how to swim. He tried ways to help like trying to reach it with a long wood stick. For him, Iwaizumi is like his teammates that he can’t bring to Nationals because he thought that he isn’t good enough.
This is the suffering that Oikawa has been dealing with, and Iwaizumi is the last straw.
He failed again.
With weak legs, and his mother assisting beside him, Iwaizumi walked towards Oikawa.
“Babe. Please look at me,.”
With his pale hands, he cupped Oikawa’s face, the latter leaning into the touch. Iwaizumi can tell that Oikawa was trying so hard to not cry in front of Iwaizumi, probably thinking that the last thing Iwaizumi wanted to see is see him cry.
But it can’t be helped, is it?
When you love someone, you ’d rather be the one to suffer than them. You’d only want the best for them, do everything to make them feel loved, comfortable, happy.
But it seems that life is just, really unfair sometimes.
--
“Haruka-san!” I’ll be going now!”
“Please say hi to him for me!”
It’s been 4 years since Iwaizumi Hajime succumbed to cancer.
Oikawa drove from the apartment building to the cemetery grave, with the mail that he received earlier on hand. The mail was from Iwaizumi’s parents, informing them that Iwaizumi’s younger sister is expecting a little boy.
He arrived at the cemetery, flowers, milkbread and mail on hand.
Oikawa pouted when he saw Iwaizumi’s grave.
“Why are there flowers here already, Hajime? Are you cheating on me?”
Oikawa giggled at the thought.
“That’s weird, you won’t cheat on me. I cook the best Agedashi Tofu alright!”
“Anyway, I got a mail from your parents. Akira is expecting!”
“They’re trying to decide for names already even when they don’t know the gender yet. And of course, only I, the Great Oikawa Tooru can give such cute names!”
Oikawa sat on the grass. He ripped open the packaging of the milk bread he just bought from the convenience store on the way to the cemetery, shoving a mouthful in his mouth.
“As you see, I still love milkbread. This won’t ever change anymore, I guess. It’s just so good!”
“I miss eating this with you, though.”
A strong wind suddenly had Oikawa rummaging his bag, searching for his comb as the wind made his hair lose its style.
Oikawa suddenly stopped.
He looked at the sky and smiled. It was sunny, and really blue.
“You’re gone yet you still find ways to ruin my hair.”
Oikawa closed his eyes as he took a deep breath, and smiled again.
I’m home, Hajime.