Archive of Our Own ^beta

Dean is still stuck on the hard floor when Sam finally finds him. It feels like it must've been hours. Probably has been. He can't find the strength or will within him to move, even just slightly. Everything inside of him feels cold and numb. Everything is telling him there's no point to do anything anymore.

"Dean..." Sam starts before trailing off, his voice coming out hushed, cautiously approaching his older brother like he's afraid that something has gone horribly wrong with Dean. And something has. Sam just doesn't know what yet.

After a moment, Dean finally raises his head to look at his brother in the eyes.

"I didn't say it back," he chokes out, his voice coming out hoarse and scratchy from the sobs that escaped him not too long ago.

"Dean, what? What happened?" Sam moves closer, falling onto his knees, reaching out and holding onto his arms, trying to reach his brother's eyes.

"I didn't get a chance to say it back. I didn't say it back," he repeats, shaking his head and burying it in his hands, tears falling onto his face as if he hadn't just shed enough.

"Hey, hey, come on it's okay," Sam says, soothingly. "It's gonna be alright, Dean." He helps him up to his feet, Dean leaning on him for a minute before he manages to find his balance, remembering how to move. He doesn't know where he's walking anymore. There's nowhere to go. There's nothing else to do.

*

The two men sit in the library in silence. It must be late. There's no drink in front of him, and he hasn't eaten in a very long time but he doesn't feel thirsty or hungry. He doesn't even remember what either of those urges feels like. He's forgotten what he needs for himself to even barely function. It doesn't matter anymore. Nothing does and nothing ever will. Because he didn't get a chance to say it back -

He's still in the same clothes, the sleeve stained. He gazes at the bloody handprint, and it's like he can almost feel Cas's warm hand holding onto his shoulder. Before he was gone forever.

For the first time, Sam doesn't know what to do or say. Probably because after everything they've been through, something like this, there isn't anything to say. No words for this.

"We're gonna get all of them back. Every single one of them," Dean says, breaking the silence, his voice even.

It's not determination nor is it hope. It's nothing. It's either that or just letting anything take them. Just once and for all. Let Chuck snap his fingers and simply let the universe cease to fucking exist. Let everything end once and for all. There's no point to any of this anymore. There's no use for anything when everybody is gone, his friends gone, family is gone, Cas gone -

He didn't get a chance to say it back.

*

After an extremely difficult spell, and a bit of intimidation on Jack's part, The Empty lets Cas out on a Thursday in the same clearing where Dean had dug himself out of his own grave those twelve years ago.

And then he's just there.

Cas just looks at him, half scared and half confused.

"You stupid son a bitch," Dean lets out a breath. "How the hell could you do that?"

"Dean -" Cas starts, before getting cut off.

Dean's quickly and determinedly coming towards him and grabbing him by that stupid trenchcoat and slamming their lips together finally. Cas exhales and goes pliant against him, his mouth eager and soft, and he tastes something familiar, something that can only be described as finally coming home.

"I love you," he tells him when they finally pull apart, staring into those beautiful deep shining blue eyes.

Cas smiles like he did before he thought he was taken forever, but this time it's happy, bright and he's being bathed in the golden sunlight above, alive, as he should be. Cas's happiness is something that he should never be afraid of or hide ever again, it shouldn't be the thing to cause his demise, and he now knows that it's him, only him, and that he is Cas's true happiness. He's never going to take that perfect light away, he's going to make sure he knows that he is loved every single day and that Dean could never do any of this without him. That simply living without him is eternal darkness. Because Cas is Dean's happiness too. His true happiness. He was just too caught up in his own self-loathing and guilt to barely recognize it. To tell him years ago because he wanted to more than anything else in the whole universe.

"I didn't think that you would..." Cas trails off hesitantly, his voice light quiet.

"I do. I always did," Dean promises, hands still fisted into the front of his trenchcoat. "And I always will. Don't ever leave me again."

"I won't," Cas says breathlessly.

"Good," Dean says, smiling lightly before kissing him once again, soft and slow. He never felt more alive than he did at this moment, and he knew that he would always feel this if he was with him. With Cas.

*

The two are resting on the couch later, gazing at each other, Cas's hand lightly running his finger's through Dean's hair.

"Did you mean all of it?" Dean says lightly, and there's no more hiding anything anymore, his fears, insecurities, or even deepest desires, looking right back into his eyes, Cas's piercing right through him like they always have.

"You still don't think that you're worth it?" Cas asks, his hand coming to stop for a moment before he continues the motion of his finger's going through the other's hair.

Dean spent his whole life thinking that he was never worthy of anyone's love and sacrifice, much less the one of an Angel.

"You changed me as well. You know that, right?" Dean tells him honestly. "I never thought I deserved to be saved, thought that I was just a machine, a killer. I didn't think I would ever have the chance to be happy. I thought I was going to fucking die bloody in the worst way possible. Thought that there was going to be some sick honor after doing everything I did. I don't want that to be my life. I wanted more. I want more. And I always felt so goddamn guilty for just thinking about that. Until you came along, I guess. I never really saw myself until you saw me."

"You saved me," Cas admits. "I chose to die for you. Not because I wanted to die, but because that was more important to me. Because it was you." He says it like it's the easiest thing in the world, an Angel sacrificing his everything, for a flawed, broken, and mortal man.

"There was never a choice about saying you either. If it was you or the rest of the whole world, I'd let it all die. Even myself. Guess I'm not as selfless as most people think." he says, a slightly ironic smile gracing his lips.

"You're not perfect, I know that. But you're good," he says, his other hand moving to rest against the other's chest. "I know you'd give yourself up in a heartbeat to save someone that you love. I couldn't love you and not do the same way."

"I wanted to say it back. I should've," Dean says hurriedly, desperately. "Right before - I wanted to say it back, God, I wanted to so badly. But I just couldn't. I was probably too fucking scared to admit that I want that. Or I didn't want to believe that it was the end. But if it was and I didn't -"

"You didn't have to," Cas assures him, his hands coming to cup his face. "It was enough and you're enough. I'm here now."

"I prayed to you when you were gone," Dean confesses because he knows that he needs to. "I knew that you wouldn't hear me I said it about a million times. Even though I thought it was way too late."

"It wasn't too late. I think happiness is also believing." Cas says, thoughtfully. "Holding onto something. It can be more powerful than anything. It can be real."

"Like us?" Dean asks, his voice breathy.

"We've always been real," Cas tells him with a soft smile, his eyes crinkling slightly.

"I'm never letting you go ever again. I don't care if it's The Empty, Death, God, or any other fucking force in this fucking universe, I will fight them all. Until the end of time itself," Dean tells him fiercely, his eyes locking with Cas's, both unwavering.

Fuck sacrifice, fuck destiny and fuck all the bloody endings and never getting what you deserve, never even trying to dare to simply hope for some happy ending, a flickering light against everything else which was filled with constant darkness. They are going to have everything they ever wanted because it's what they deserve and they waited way too damn long to get to their happy ending. Good things do happen if you let it come to you. Like Happiness that you can hold in your own hands. Like his arms tightly wrapped around Cas, looking like everything he has always wanted. Like this is enough, everything he needs, and nothing is going to ever steal him away from Dean. Not ever again.

Dean leans in and brushes his mouth against Cas's, full of warmth, love, and tenderness. "I love you, Cas," he says, his voice soft and quiet.

Cas moves in closer until his head is against his chest, and Dean presses a soft kiss against his head. "I love you too," he says against his shirt, eyes closing shut.

Dean never thought that Cas would never hear him say it back but he knows now that whenever Cas says those three words to him, his smile always brighter than the sun, and those bright blue eyes looking at him, he will always say it back.