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Liam can't believe it. He really can't. His hands keep shaking, even if it's just a little, it's already too much. His mind is wandering off to every single moment he has ever had with Niall because well, he can't help it. He can't stop his feelings from going wild right now, because... Niall is fucking dead. Dead. Drop dead. The words make Liam shiver. Niall is not here with him anymore. Liam is never going to get any bubbly wake-up calls after a hard night out. He is never going to feel Niall's warm hugs when they meet again. He is never going to hear Niall's laugh after Harry tells him a stupid joke. Fuck, Niall's laugh. It was so loud and everywhere and it should have been irritating but Liam couldn't help but love it more than anything else. He's just so shaken up by this. He didn't think it would be how they were going to separate. In fact, he didn't even imagine it because he has to be honest, a life without Niall is nothing. They had been best friends since Liam can remember. He went through hell and back with Niall. With every single important decision Liam made, Niall was there. And now he's gone. Forever. Liam wants to cry. He really does. But every time he thinks the tears are going to spill out of his eyes, they don't come. It frustrates him so much, because inside, he feels like he has been doing nothing else besides that.
The worst thing is, he pretends to be okay. He doesn't want to be selfish, and that's exactly why he can't allow himself to break down, he thinks. Niall wouldn't want that, he would want Liam to laugh and dance and move on with life, like he always did when something bad happened to him. And if there is anything Liam doesn't want, it's to disappoint his mate. Especially now that Niall isn't alive. Fuck. No matter how many times Liam says it, it keeps hurting. Like someone is stabbing him repeatedly in his heart with a sharp knife. He really needs to keep his game high though, because Harry will knock on his front door to come check on him soon. That is what Liam finds incredibly odd and bit scary, he expected everything to go terribly slow, but the opposite is happening. It's been two weeks since he got that horrible call from the local hospital telling that Niall had died in a car crash while his other friends had survived, and here Liam was, the day of his funeral, adjusting his white tie without any facial expression showing. He's like a robot now. The actions he does everyday don't have meaning. He eats just because he has to, not because he wants to. He doesn't go out, he doesn't giggle, he barely leaves his room, only for work and when Ruth and Andy drag him out. Or Harry. Lately their visits became less frequent, because they need to think about themselves. Except Harry, he keeps trying. He doesn't look at Liam with pitty in his eyes, he doesn't treat him like he's lost. He treats him like he's still himself. And Liam has never been so grateful for someone before.
At first, Liam had refused to get it through his head. Niall was not dead, nope. It was a joke. He just wanted to play with Liam. He had laughed at the nurse who called him and said ''Try harder next time, Niall!'' and pushed the end button on his phone. But then... Then Harry called. And he said it was real. Niall had been in the backseat when a truck attacked the car his friends were driving and Niall was the only one who died. They couldn't have helped him. He had lost loads and loads of blood. A doctor said his heart already stopped beating when they were bringing his body to the ambulance. That's when it started to down on Liam. Niall wasn't breathing. He wasn't going to be there the next day. Or the day after, or in five years. Liam's children wouldn't have a crush on uncle Niall, because uncle Niall wouldn't exist. Uncle Niall would be just ashes and memories. And after that, Liam was a different person. He just felt something snap in him he was sure wasn't going to come back.
When he's done with putting on his outfit, Liam looks in the mirror. The suit fits him just right, he can admit his body looks good. But his face... All he sees is someone who's tired. He has these big bags under his eyes, because when he tries to sleep at night he keeps getting nightmares about Niall. His skin doesn't shine like it used to. His hair isn't styled, because he doesn't give a shit. He feels like he doesn't care about anything. When he looks in to the mirror for the second time, he sees someone who's heart can't be fixed. Someone who is broken. Someone who isn't himself. He's so deep in thought he doesn't hear the sound of Harry entering his appartement (after Liam didn't let anyone in for four days Harry got a spare key, just in case). Liam jumps a little when Harry starts talking. ''Soooo, are you ready? You look great, you know. It's nice to see you all cleaned up and classy. You started to smell.'' Harry says, while making a face of disgust. ''I don't see why I should. It's not like I have anything better to do.'' Liam replies, hurt and before Harry can say anything else, he adds ''But yeah, I'm ready. We can leave now.''
When the car finally stops in front of Niall's, Liam is so so glad. He felt like it took ages for them to get there. He had been staring out of the window while tapping his foot for ten minutes. Liam turns to look at Harry, who has no intension of moving. He stares at Liam with this serious look in his eyes, and Liam feels like a little boy who took some candy when his mother told him not to. ''Liam, look. You need to listen to me. I've been nothing but patient with you, because I know you need it. And don't tell me you don't, because you do.'' Harry says before Liam can protest, and continues his explanation, ''Niall is dead.'' he says it like it's a plain, normal, fact. And fuck it shocks Liam. Because it is. ''There is nothing you can do about it. It happened, and it's terrifying and hard. But you need to talk to someone, because otherwise nothing will change. You haven't opened your mouth to me, while normally I can't keep up with everything you say. And that, makes me more afraid than anything else. So please, Let me in. Or anyone. Because I can see right through you, and you think I can't but I can.'' Harry takes a deep breath before he blows his nose in to his handkerchief and wipes the tears away. Liam feels bad, because he just made Harry cry, and he doesn't want that. So he puts on a show and smiles his best fake smile. ''Thank you, Harry. I'm grateful for you. I have been talking with my mother, over the phone and stuff. I'll let you know when I'm ready to share my thinking with you.'' He embraces Harry just to make his point clear. Harry wraps his arms tightly around him. Liam knows Harry won't let it go, but he doesn't say anything to Liam about it when he steps out of the car. Liam lets a sigh slip before he follows.
Liam grins when he looks at Niall's garden. He would have loved this. It's raining, which fits his mood, Liam thinks. But that doesn't reflect what is happening. Maura, Niall's mother, is walking around and giving everyone a little booklet where today's programme is most likely written in. There are white balloons on every side of every chair and while everyone is dressed in black or white, Bobby and Greg, Niall's father and brother, are dressed in red and green. Niall's favourite colours. In the background Liam can hear soft irish music playing. Normally they would have gone to a church and all, to bury the body, but Niall always wanted to get cremated in his own back yard for some freaky reason Liam doesn't want to know about. It's really ridiculous for a funeral because it's supposed to be sad and mopey and professional but for a second Liam feels alive. Like Niall is looking up from wherever he is and enjoying it all. Liam feels ready to face the people he loves after all the avoiding he's done. He wants to see Louis, ask what he's up to, wants to taste one of Maura's pancakes and gossip about Harry's striped pants with Josh and Sandy. He wants to play peek-a-boo with Theo and pout with Collin, the dog Niall bought when he oh so desperately wanted one. For the first time ever, he feels brave.
''Hi love, I haven't seen you in a while! I thought you weren't going to come.'' Maura speaks, loud, and she puts her arms out for him. Liam walks towards her. ''Ofcouse I came, I wouldn't have missed it for anything.'' He says in to her collar. She throws him a smile with a hint of sadness and gives him a pamphlet before she points at Louis and Bobby, who seem to be in a deep conversation about something. Liam doesn't want to interrupt, but he still follows their direction because he needs to greet them. When Louis notices him, he cuts off his sentence and says something to Bobby, who turns around. ''Liam! You bloody idiot! Where have you been? First of all, fuck you! And second of all, I missed you!'' Louis starts punching his arm and he would be flabbergasted if he didn't already know how Louis reacts. ''Hey Louis, nice to see you too. I've been... Doing stuff. And I've missed you.'' He snorts, before booping his nose playingly. Louis glares at him. ''Don't ever do that again, Payne.'' ''Okay honey!'' Liam teases. He ignores Louis and runs to Bobby before he gets hit in the face with a booklet.
Bobby seems to examine how he looks, and for a second Liam feels his boldness shrink. But then, he gives Liam a nod followed by a smile and hugs him like Maura did earlier. It's nice. Bobby is like a second dad for him so it would have hurt if he didn't welcome Liam like he always does. ''Hey there pal, How are you doing?'' He asks, he sounds concerned but he's trying hard not to let it show. Liam wants to say he's doing great. He wants to so badly. But he really can't lie to Bobby. ''It's okay, I mean, I'm okay, yeah.'' He scratches his neck awkwardly, ''How are you? What are we eating later on?'' Liam says to change the subject and thank god for Niall's father because he just goes with it. ''Could have been better, son. We are eating pizza. Like Niall would have wanted.'' He states, and Liam balls his fists without realizing. Ofcourse they did. He forces another smile, it's becoming something default by now. ''That's lovely.'' He wants to say more, but the words are stuck in his throat. Bobby sees it, or something, because he pads Liam's shoulder and walks away. Liam wants to punch himself. He is making this difficult for everyone. All because he can't fucking act like a normal human being. It's making him sick. He looks around and spots Harry but decides not to join him, because it seems like he is telling one of his ''important'' stories. Liam doesn't need to hear those. Otherwise he'll fall asleep. Out of nowhere, the Irish music stops. Someone unknown is asking everyone to take their seats, because the Mass is starting. Liam closes his eyes for a couple of seconds before preparing himself.
Liam puts on a face that basically says ''don't talk to me, or I'll rip your hair out'' and prays to god the people beside him will see it because he doesn't want to have a conversation during this goodbye to Niall. And that right there is the problem. It is a goodbye. After this it's official. Niall Horan will be forgotten. Sometimes, yeah, people will think about him. But that's the end of it. And Liam so doesn't want that. He doesn't want to see Niall leave him. Or feel him leave him. He wants Niall around. Always. He feels like he can't function without Niall. It sounds like he's in love, but he isn't. He's just used to Niall. And now he needs to learn not to be used to Niall. And he doesn't want it. He does not want to move on.
The pastor starts talking, about how it's an incredibly awful day and how the loss of Niall isn't easy. Liam tunes it out. He doesn't want to hear what this man has to say, because he didn't know Niall, so he has no right to speak about him. And god Liam knows it's childish and stupid but it's the truth. 15 Minutes pass by and the pastor is leaving so everyone else can do their speeches. Speeches. S p e e c h e s. Fuck, Liam is going to murder himself. He totally forgot about that. He was so wrapped around his own grief he didn't even write a speech for Niall. God God God. He finally looks who is sitting beside him. It's someone he doesn't know. A guy. He's really pretty actually, sharp jaw. Perfect amount of facial hair. Pretty skin, darker than Liam's. Black hair in a perfect quiff. It's totally the type Niall would set him up with for a blind date. He laughs. The guy looks at him, clearly surprised and amused. And o, Liam didn't think about that. He coughs. ''Im sorry, Um, Yea Sorry.'' He wants to turn his head away because he knows he's blushing. ''No problem man, it's a weird day today, innit? My name is Zayn.'' He says, and his voice is so comforting Liam forgets about the speeches. ''Yea, kind of.. My name is Liam. Sorry.'' He grins a little sheepish. ''Stop saying sorry, Liam.'' Zayn notes and then he says something which makes Liam's grin disappear, ''Did you know him? Like well? Niall?'' Liam can barely say the words ''Uh, yeah, he was my best mate.'' he replies and he gets sad all over again. Zayn looks at him with something Liam hasn't seen before, like he really feels for him. ''Im so sorry.'' And he stares at Liam with his big brown eyes. Liam looks in to them, notices an eyespeck, and let's himself drown in it before he mumbles a ''Sorry, gotta go.'' And leaves his seat in search for where Harry is sitting.
He knows that was super rude but he doesn't care at the moment, all he wants to do is find Harry. When he does, he is extremely relieved and doesn't spare anyone else a single glance. He just falls down on Harry's lap. ''Woah, what's wrong mister? Too many beers?'' he jokes. Liam almost finds it cheeky. Almost. ''No, just needed to get away from the people next to me. Sorry.'' Harry smiles. ''I don't mind babe, you sit here and enjoy my lap.'' Liam pinches Harry's thigh before listening to the people talking in front of him, Josh and Sandy. When the ceremony is over, and everyone is heading inside for the reception, Liam stays behind. Harry looks at him with worried eyes but Liam shrugs it off and tells him he's going to wait a little. It's not like he can eat pizza right now anyway. Liam goes through his flat hair with his fingers, it's his nervous gesture. He inspects the weather. The rain stopped by now but it's still damp outside. He tries to stay calm. Breathe in, breathe out. Why is he such an idiot? He left a beautiful man behind just because he couldn't handle it. Why is he like this? He used to be so good with people, and now he can't even talk. ''It doesn't work without you'' Liam whispers to the sky. Because that's where Niall is right? Up there? Safe? He shakes his head. He really is going crazy. He's talking to himself. Or at least, that's what it looks like to the public eye. He gives the garden one more glance before going inside. The show must go on.
Once he's inside, he looks for Zayn but he doesn't see him anywhere, so he gives up. That's what he's been doing a lot lately. He pushes his negative thoughts to the back of his mind before it gets worse. And o does it get worse. Liam feels like he is glued right to the spot, because there, in the middle of the room is someone he knows very well. She. Her brown curls are everywhere and she's babbling to someone who Liam doesn't know. The colour drains from his face. He really doesn't want to see her, it will only make things more dramatic. He tries to sneak off to anywhere, really. But it's already too late. She sees him, and her smile turns in to a smirk. Like a predator, Liam notes. She's always been like that. Even when they were in a relationship. ''Cheater!'' A voice in his head screams. He tries not to show the betrayal on his face, but he thinks he fails because she starts to come over to him and god no why does this happen to him every single fucking time. He doesn't deserve this. A dead best friend AND a fucking bitch of an ex-girlfriend at his dead best friend's funeral. Liam thinks the universe is against him. ''Hey Liam! Long time no see. Sad we meet here again.'' She basically spits it in his face, but Liam doesn't have the energy to bite back ''What are you doing here, Danielle?'' He sounds so drained. It's also exactly how he feels. Danielle lifts her perfectly drawn eyebrow up. Liam is actually happy they broke up. ''Well, how sweet of you. Niall was also a friend of mine, if you remember.'' She bats her eyelashes at him and Liam wants to throw up. He really does not want to be here. ''Yea, sorry, how stupid of me. I'm um... I think I'm going to leave. Going to seek Theo or something... Bye'' He runs towards the stairs and thinks he hears a muffled ''Goodbye baby!'' and a loud cackle.
Once he's in Niall's bathroom, he doesn't even pretend anymore. He just sits down on the tiles and cries. For the first time. He cries and cries and cries until the air disappears out of his lungs. He feels like a weight has been lifted of his shoulders, but at the same time he feels terrible for letting it all out. He tries to open the window but his body won't move and suddenly he's panicking. he's having a full on panick attack. He doesn't know what to do and his heart is beating fast and... He's losing it. Liam doesn't realize he's rolling on the ground. He's numb to everything and the only thing he wants to do is breathe again. But he can't. He's stuck and he's trying to play a game he can't win. The tears keep rolling down his face and he doesn't even notice it when Zayn comes in and freezes for a second before he's kneeling down next to Liam. ''Hey, Liam? Liam what's wrong?'' He whispers softly. To Liam it sounds like someone is screaming in his ear. He can't deal with it. ''Stop, stop please don't talk.'' Liam says while pushing Zayn, who doesn't move. Instead, he just takes Liam up from the ground and holds him in to his arms. Liam keeps pushing, he feels like he's going to die. Really going to die. But before he knows it, Zayn is pulling his face in his hands and kissing him. He doesn't know what happens next, but his breathing goes normal again. His heart is taking back it's pace and he thinks the world isn't mad at him anymore. Zayn kisses him three more times. On both of his cheeks, and on his forehead. Liam doesn't know who Zayn is and if he's real, but he's fucking glad he's here. He slumps in to Zayn and holds on to him like he's the most precious person in the world. Because right now, he is. Zayn just says ''shhh'' and ''don't worry'' the entire time while rubbing his arm and it shouldn't be so amazing because he doesn't know Zayn but for some reason it is. At one point he starts crying again and Zayn moves them from side to side, and Liam was wrong. This is the person he's most thankful for in his life.
The second Liam is completely calmed down, Zayn start to talk. He is still rubbing his arm while saying ''You know, normally I wouldn't be here. I don't know him personally. But the day the accident happened-'' Liam's breath hitches for a second ''-I was there. I called the emergency services. I wasn't in the car or anything, just on my motorcicle when it happened. It was the most horrible thing I've ever seen in my life. That's why I said sorry, earlier, you know. I could have called sooner. But I was completely in shock. I tried, but I'm sorry.'' Liam wants to say so many things, but he just replies. ''Im sorry too'' when his voice cracks. Zayn lets him go for a second and Liam whines a little. It makes Zayn smile. And that's good... Right? Liam wants to see Zayn smile more often. He just wants to see Zayn more often, really. ''Dont go'' Liam says. He sounds pathetic, but he doesn't give one flying fuck. ''No worries love, I'm just searching something to clean you up.'' Zayn stands by the sink and searches in to the cupboards. ''Down'' Liam says, slowly. Zayn turns to him with a confused look. ''Niall always put them on the floor. Don't ask me why. I don't know.'' He explains, before giving him a tiny smile. Zayn sends one right back. When he finds a cloth, he makes it wet and washes Liam's face. Liam feels like a toddler, but he lets it happen. When he's cleaned up, he feels a lot better and he remembers why he came in to the bathroom in the first place. He needs to go to the toilet. ''I swear I'm not sending you out but, can I go to the toilet, maybe?'' Liam asks. ''Ofcourse, I'll wait outside.'' Zayn nods at him. ''Yeah, okay, will you stay there?'' He's voice is full of hope. Zayn grins. ''I will.''
When Liam is done, he washes his hands and can't wait until he's seeing Zayn again. He doesn't know how this happened, but he feels like he needs to tell someone everything. And Zayn is the perfect person for that. Zayn is waiting for him, as promised. Liam looks in to his eyes for the second time that day, and this time he keeps looking and he just hugs Zayn. At first Zayn seems to be a little bit baffled, but he wraps his arms around Liam's waist after a couple of seconds. ''Thank you for that, Zayn. I'm sorry I ran away. I'm just... I've been so lost about this all. Niall has been my best friend since, forever really. And I felt like I needed to keep it all inside. Like I needed to be strong for him, and for his family and..'' He keeps talking until Zayn stops him and touches his hair. ''It's okay, Liam. You can let it all out, you know. Everyone deals with this in their own way, it doesn't mean you need to punish yourself. Sometimes talking and crying helps. Sometimes it doesn't; it will get better. It's getting better. You can't stop moving forward no matter how much you don't want it. You just have to go with the flow, how hard it even is.'' Zayn says. Liam thinks he's very wise. ''I'm sorry you know... That you had to kiss me.. Just because I was freaking out...'' Liam lets go of Zayn by then, because he's a little afraid he won't stop cuddling him if he keeps going. ''It's.. I mean.. I saw it on the internet somewhere that it helps you know.. When someone has a panick attack... And I didn't mind kissing you, really.'' Zayn looks a bit flushed at that, but he winks right after so it doesn't really matter. Liam feels himself smiling. ''Maybe we should do it again, then?''
Liam knows it's kind of a bad idea, since they are basically strangers, but he feels like he has known Zayn for years. And he kind of wants to kiss him back this time. They can deal with themselves and everyone downstairs later, now they need to enjoy themselves and think about brighter things. And each other's lips....