Chapter Text
Lexa looked down and sighed, she wasn’t getting anywhere with Clarke. They’re going in circles, once again.
“Clarke, I’m not getting into this. We broke up for a reason.” Lexa was sat on the edge of Clarke’s bed buttoning up her red plaid shirt, back to a disheveled Clarke.
Clarke scoffed and dragged her hand through her messy hair, “yet we end up in bed together and you running off first sign of sunrise.”
Lexa rest her hands on the edge of the mattress, it’s happened thirteen times since their messy breakup.
“You say it can’t happen again, you say ‘we broke up for a reason’, we keep meeting with our friends on a night out and getting drunk then this happens.” Clarke was right and Lexa knew it.
Lexa blames herself for this, it’s her fault they broke up yet it’s her who initiates it.
“I’m sorry.” Lexa quietly says still with her back to Clarke.
The mattress moves under Lexa, it’s Clarke getting up and starts to stomp around her room.
“You’re always fucking sorry, Lexa.” Clarke grabs an oversized T-shirt off the floor, “I'm sorry for always falling for you.”
Lexa sighed and closed her eyes, “maybe I should leave town.”
Clarke slammed her draw after grabbing an item of underwear upon hearing what Lexa said, “maybe you should!”
Before Clarke left the room she walked up to Lexa dropped a pair of what looks like Lexa’s knickers, “don’t forget these this time.”
Lexa looked down at her lap, her old underwear she must have left after a night together and rolled her eyes at the petulant attitude.
———————
After the door unlocked Lexa walked her miserable self through her apartment hallway, throwing her keys in the dish on the side table only to be met with a serious Anya, though it wasn’t anything different to the other times she sees her sister.
“Why are you here at six in the morning, Anya, don’t you have a home of your own?” Her voice was tired and wasn’t in the mood to be lectured.
“You fucked again didn’t you?” Her voice was low and unimpressed, her eyes narrowing.
Lexa forgot the amount of times she’s sighed already this morning, “I don’t want to hear it.”
“Lexa, you need to! Do you realise how much you hurt Clarke?” Anya started walking over to Lexa trying to get her to look at her. “Raven tells me every time you leave she can hear Clarke sobbing in the shower. Last time you had a itch you couldn’t scratch, my girlfriend had to go get Clarke out of the shower and literally hold her because she was in hysterics.”
This was the first time Lexa had heard of this, still she made sure that Anya couldn’t see her reaction.
“You’re a fucking asshole, you need to go away and sort your shit out!” Anya barked at her sister.
Still no word to defend herself, Lexa just took it.
“Why do you have no emotion? You’re so shut off with your feelings it’s like having a brick for a sister when we talk about Clarke.” Anya snapped, she picked up her coat and walked past Lexa.
Upon reaching for the door she turned towards her sister one last time before exiting the apartment, “Gustus needs you to help start up his business over in England, he wants an answer by tonight.”
Lexa looked towards Anya.
“You better make the right choice, Lexa. I’m done cleaning up after your mess, you’re an adult now. Act like it!” Anya snapped before slamming the door behind her.
Lexa sighed, “shit.”
The fact that Anya was done with Lexa when it evolved Clarke said a lot, Anya was always on Lexa’s side until now and Raven was on Clarke’s side, even they were beginning to feel the strain on their own relationship for taking sides.
The thing is Lexa knew deep down she had to do something to break this vicious circle, she knew it was her fault, her manifestation, her own twisted way of wanting Clarke. Above all else she had true feelings for Clarke, but where Clarke was all in Lexa wasn’t.
It was a sick game she was playing with Clarke, and she owed it to herself to set them both free.
Lexa went to her bedroom, stripped off her clothes from the night before and entered her en-suite and reached for the shower turning it on letting the water run hot.
She looked into the mirror at her body and stared at the dark bruises that Clarke had left over her collarbone. She caught sight of the older ones that were yellowing on the inside of her thighs, she wondered if Clarke made them so dark to remind Lexa every time they had a incredible night or the fact to remind of an arsehole she was being. More the latter Lexa thought.
The steam caused Lexa’s reflection to disappear along with the reminders, maybe it would be a good thing to leave, start anew.
She sauntered into the shower and embraced the burn of the water, washing everything off from last night.
————————
It was becoming a routine for Clarke anytime she had slept with Lexa, jumping the shower as Lexa would leave with no goodbye kiss just the same feelings as the previous times regret, hurt, anger and just the intense memories of Lexa touching her all over her body from the night before.
The only plus side of this torment was that Clarke was able to channel her emotions into her art which she was always praised from her coworkers at the gallery, though she would never talk about where she got the inspiration from. Though as of late they were becoming more darker and darker.
Once she knew Lexa had left her shared apartment with Raven, Clarke left her room to see Raven waiting for her with a coffee and a soft smile.
“Thought you might appreciate this before heading out to work.” Raven passed her a cup of freshly pressed coffee.
Clarke picked up the mug and blew the steam away, “thanks.”
Raven went back to her iPad working on some designs for a mechanical company whilst nursing her own cup of coffee.
Clarke noticed how calm it was in their apartment, normally there would be Anya yelling down the phone at an incompetence employee that she regretted hiring at her law firm.
Raven noticed Clarke looking around with a amused look.
“It’s quiet because Anya left early this morning,” Raven mentioned, “I know it’s fucking peaceful, isn’t it.” She added smirking.
Clarke scowled, did she miss something.
“Are you guys okay?”
Clarke’s walked over and took a stool next to Raven at their kitchen island.
Raven looked over at Clarke with a raised eyebrow, “you didn’t hear us arguing last night before we left the bar?”
“You guys had an argument?” A hint of sarcasm left Clarke’s lips.
Raven rolled her eyes and chuckled slightly but then took a serious deep breath and rested her hand on Clarke’s arm, “it was about you and Lexa.”
Clarke sighed and placed her cup down, “no one else should have be involved in what we do, I know it’s unhealthy but it’s not anyone else’s argument.”
Raven sat back slightly giving her ‘are you serious’ look.
“It is when we’re roommates and her sister is my girlfriend, like it or not we’re involved.”
Clarke looked down, “I’m sorry, Rae.”
“Hey! This isn’t your fault.” Raven quickly assured her friend.
“But I’m an equal part in this. I don’t say no to Lexa.”
“Because you love her.”
Clarke takes a deep breath to start herself from getting emotional, “I don’t know what to do because I can’t stop.”
Raven looked down, the air shifted.
“What?” Clarke looked puzzled.
“Anya got a call early this morning from her uncle Gus,”
“Is he okay?”
“Yeah, he’s great. You know rolling in it.”
“Yeah lucky, guy. But what has this got to do with him?”
Clarke now was confused, anything could come out of Raven’s mouth at this point.
“He called to tell Anya that he needs help in London with his business,” Raven waited to make sure Clarke was following her, “he’s asked for Lexa.”
Clarke stared at Raven, “Lexa is going to London?”
“Lexa has yet to give an answer.”
“When would she be going if she decides to?”
Raven groaned “Anya told me not to say anything until it was confirmed.”
“Well you’re telling me now, so might as well end the suspense.”
“Tonight.”
“Tonight?! Raven, she can’t leave tonight!” Clarke’s face turned red, she knew she wanted Lexa to leave her alone and have some space but not for her to go to a different continent.
Raven closed her eyes and opened them, “if she loves you deep down, she’ll fuck off and let you live a life you deserve. Be with someone who can commit to you.”
Tears forming behind Clarke’s eyes as they redden, “I just want Lexa.”
“But she clearly doesn’t want you the same way you do her!” Raven raising her voice out of frustration, “accept it Clarke!”
Clarke stood up from her stool next to Raven, “like hell I do.”
Clarke grabbed her coat from the hanger, her art supply bag and left the apartment with a slam.
“Well done, Raven.” Raven said to herself.
She picked up her phone and pressed Anya’s name.
“Hey babe, do you want a cookie or doughnut from Niylah’s coffee shop?” Anya’s favourite brew house.
Raven softly smiled, “look Anya, I fucked up.”
Anya stood in the line to be served, “you told her didn’t you.”
Raven winced at the disapproval voice.
“Yup, classic Raven.”
Anya glared and clenched her jaw, it wasn’t Raven’s fault.
“Okay, I’ll be home in a few minutes.” Anya hung up as she got to the till.
“Hey Anya, everything okay?” Niylah was working today, always a Friday.
She scoffs, “women.”
The coffee owner smirked, “ah yes,”
Anya paid for her items and left.
— - ——- —-
She stared at her phone as she sat in her armchair, Lexa has been like this since she got into her hoodie and track bottoms. Her hair still drying from her shower as she decides if to call Gus telling him she will go to him or if she will stay, declining the job offer.
Lexa looks around her bedroom, it’s hardly lived in she hasn’t even made the effort to make this place homey since she bought it outright when her and Anya received inheritance. She could rent it out or let Anya and Raven live in it rent free.
“Fuck it,” Lexa mutters, she grabbed her phone and went to find Gustus’s number in her contacts but a notification from her friend chat pops up.
O: there’s a cool singer at Ark’s tonight, anyone up for it?
Raven: a few of us have some stuff to sort out then me and Anya should be up for it.
Clarke: I’m definitely going to need a drink or 5.
O: Rough day Griff?
Raven: so..... shall we meet at like 8pm at the Ark?
Anya: you’re being a bit ambitious babe, we’ll meet you there you mean.
Raven: let’s face it we’ll both be late.
Lexa snorted at the conversation, then looks for Gus’s number.
She presses his name, it rings and rings to the last ring when she hears his gruff voice comes through.
“Little Lexa, it’s wonderful to hear you.”
Lexa smiled, “hey uncle, I hear you have a job offer and was wondering if it’s still open for me.”
“That’s great news! Well there is a e-ticket booked for you under your name and I’ll have the flight number sent to you by text.” Gus explained, happy that he hadn’t wasted money on a flight.
“Oh and your flight leaves for London at 11pm.”
Lexa relaxed, finally hearing a time. With all the excitement Gus was expressing over his niece going to work with him she thought he’d never give her a time.
“Perfect. I’ll let you know when I’m on the plane and terminal information.”
They said a few words before both of them hanging up. Lexa looked around and thought where she last had her holdalls, though she wouldn’t need both of them because she could buy clothes in London instead, that feeling alone eased her.
Before she went looking for her things, she stopped and remembered that she needed to let people know, Anya and Clarke, especially Clarke. Fuck.
The easier person to break the news to was Anya.
Lexa started to look through her wardrobe, picking up her long hold-all and chucking it to the side as she looked for some sweaters, hoodies, causal clothes and footwear. Clothes in one hand and her phone in another as she called Anya on loud speaker.
“Hey Anya, I called Gus.” She started, another bundle of clothes chucked to the side.
“And?”
“I’m going to London.”
Anya looked over at Raven who mouthed ‘Lexa?’
She nodded and let it sink in that her sister is leaving town, she cleared her throat, “what time is your flight?”
Raven understood that Lexa had agreed the offer, to leave town for good.
She felt bad for her girlfriend, she will miss Lexa being around. Luckily Lincoln her cousin would still be around.
Raven also thought of Clarke.
“Okay, still going to come to the Ark tonight then, have a few before you leave.” Anya suggested, an actual decent send off.
Lexa didn’t say anything and thought about it, did she really want a send off or go quietly.
“Lex?” Anya voice came through again and hearing Raven in the background.
Lexa didn’t have a choice this time, “sure,”
She folded her chosen clothes in her luggage bag and sighed, “I need to speak to Clarke, does Raven know where she is?”
“Tell her she’s at the gallery working.” She heard Raven faintly.
“Apparently she’s,”
“Yep, I heard. Thanks.” Lexa sighed, “I’ll be there at Ark by 7.”
“We’ll definitely be on time.” Anya promised.
Lexa hummed, “I hope so.”
They both hung up, Lexa looked around her apartment and out of the window that overlooked TonDC.
—- — - — - -
Splats of paint hit the canvas in rhythm with the music Clarke was playing. The rock music was heavy and loud but so was her heart. Thin strokes, bold strokes and even broken strokes were the result of Clarke’s emotions at this point. If Lexa took the job it meant Clarke could move on and not keep falling back into the arms of her, whenever there was a chance. But Clarke also loved Lexa more than anyone she’s ever encountered.
As the song ended Clarke heard the door open to her studio, she wasn’t expecting anybody, people who she wanted to talk to were meeting her tonight. She turned to the sound and saw long dark brown curly hair. It was Lexa.
She didn’t say anything and turned back to her painting.
Lexa walked slowly, one would say timidly over to Clarke, “hey.”
The softness in Lexa’s voice made its way to Clarke’s ears.
“I have nothing to say to you.” Clarke still making strokes with no thought process.
Lexa swallowed, “I have something to tell you.”
“You’ve been given a job offer in London. I know.”
Lexa clenched her jaw, Raven, of course.
“I’m leaving tonight.” Lexa watched as Clarke stopped painting.
Clarke scoffed, stared at her canvas eyes twitching, nostrils flaring. She drops her paint brush on the floor covering and considers her next move. She reaches up at the canvas and rips it in half and thrashes her hands at it.
Lexa starts to walk over to Clarke and turns the music off, hopefully breaking Clarke’s attention, “Clarke!”
Clarke stops, still with pieces of canvas in her hands and finally turns to Lexa who is shocked by what she’s witnessed.
“I hate you, Lexa and fucking love you!” The emotion that was heard in her strained shout echoed through Lexa.
Lexa pierced her lips together, scared to say anything. She just watched Clarke, it’s all she could do.
“You seem to have a way of walking away from things, I think this is the best one yet.” Clarke hissed, she dropped the paint sodden canvas pieces and reached for a cloth to wipe her hands with.
“I’m sorry, Clarke. I never meant to turn you into this.”
Lexa found her voice back and it was the truth, she didn’t intend to ruin her relationship with Clarke or string her along even after they broke up. She kept giving her hope and it was cruel.
Clarke walked over to where Lexa was stood and stopped in front of her and looked into her eyes, they were angry and ready to let her tears free, “I know Lexa, so I hope in London you get your shit together before you take away someone else’s hope to fall in love. Because god help them if you don’t.”
Lexa nodded and if she didn’t say what she’s held back for so long now then there will never be a time to. Lexa carefully held one of Clarke’s hand in hers before saying anything and took a breath.
“I love you, Clarke.” It was nearly above a whisper, but it did the job.
Lexa held Clarke’s gaze, a tear had fell and lips trembled.
Clarke pulled her hand away from Lexa’s and walked away, leaving Lexa there.
——————
Lexa was already at Ark’s with her luggage at the side of her, she sat at the bar watching the singer and her band warm up as she slowly drank her whiskey.
After leaving Clarke’s gallery she went straight to her apartment getting changed into her skinny black jeans a black blouse and her long black tailored coat, one that you would see business people wearing. She also wore her hair down naturally and finished off with her black Chelsea boots - it was a Lexa Woods signature look.
On her way to Ark’s she called Anya basically telling her the apartment was hers and anything that she owned there, she’d had enough of today, enough of being handed her arse to her she couldn’t wait to have a drink before she leaves for London.
More locals were flowing in steadily all talking about this singer they couldn’t wait to hear, Lexa was intrigued to find out what she like.
She looked at her phone, her sister should be here anytime soon though it looks like she’ll miss the intro song of the band. Typical.
Lexa looks up and sees the singer looking at her, seeing she’s the only one alone at the bar drinking a lonely drink.
Lexa looks back at her drink and checks her phone again, nothing.
“Lexa!” The booming voice comes from behind her. It was Lincoln.
She looks behind her and sees him making his way to his cousin with Octavia right behind him.
She smiles, “hey Lincoln.”
Alone no more.
“Hey,” Octavia greeted, “sorry to hear you’re leaving town.”
It was a genuine comment.
“Yeah, so sudden?” Lincoln added, curious to know why.
They’re literally the only ones who seem to be concerned about her leaving. Even Octavia.
“Uncle Gus needs my help with his business. Great opportunity, so I took it.” There was no emotion in Lexa’s voice, it was honest but not the full reason.
Octavia looked at Lincoln sharing a look.
“So it’s got nothing to do with the fact that you and Clarke are in a broken relationship and your sister is fed up with it all.” Octavia offered.
Lexa breathed heavily, everyone seems to have an opinion.
“A way to hit the nail on the head, Octavia.”
She took a sip of her drink as if to numb the pain of everyone’s comments.
Lincoln turned to his girlfriend, “it might be an idea to go and find a table, the others will be here soon.”
She nodded, “see you around Lex.”
Lexa just lifted her hand to wave a little in acknowledgment as she focuses on her drink.
“How do you feel about it?” Lincoln took the spare stool next to Lexa which wasn’t occupied by her luggage.
Lexa turned and looked at him, “you know you’re the first person to actually ask me that in the past few days.”
“Well it’s seems as though people think you have no heart or feelings since your break up with Clarke, but you do.”
Lincoln was the soft one in the Wood’s family, sometimes Lexa thought he didn’t belong.
“I’ve given everyone a good impression that I don’t. But to answer your question,” another sip, “I feel lost, hurt by my sister because let’s face it, Anya set up this thing with Gus. He doesn’t really need my help with his business.”
Lincoln sighed and feels disappointed in himself for not keeping an eye on his youngest cousin.
“And, Clarke?” The question was carefully spoken, a touchy subject.
Lexa knocked the last sip of her dark liquid back and softly laughed not because of it being funny but the opposite.
The bar tender came past and offered a refill to which Lexa nodded.
“I went to her gallery to tell her directly, of course she already knew.” Another sigh escape her lips, “she lost her shit with me, telling me she ‘hates me’ and ‘fucking loves me’. My guess is she won’t be here tonight.”
She turns to Lincoln and as she does she sees her sister and Raven join Octavia at the table, she brings her eyes back to Lincoln who looks sorrowful.
“I then told her, that I love her.”
The small tumblr glass in her hand is brought to her lips and she takes a big sip.
“What happened then?”
“She walked away and left me in her gallery.”
Lexa felt a heavy hand on her back, it was a comforting touch.
“I’m sorry Lexa but I do hope London offers you something better than being here.”
Lexa nodded, “thanks Lincoln.”
“Wanna come join us?”
Lexa looked over at Octavia, Raven and Anya laughing and enjoying themselves.
“Nah, I just want to be alone. I’ll come say goodbye before I leave though.”
They shared a smile and Lincoln removed his hand from Lexa’s back then went to join his friends.
Lexa brushed her hand through her hair and held her head in her hands until she started hearing the singer sing.
Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
People start to cheer upon hearing the singer.
Lexa watches her and relaxes a bit.
Tears from behind my eyes, but I do not cry
Counting the days pass me by
I've been searchin' deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearin' are starting to get old
It feels like I'm startin' all over again
The last three years were just pretend
“She’s good!” Raven tells Octavia who is nodding along.
“I told you!”
Anya looks over at Lexa alone at the bar, she can tell her sister is sad just by the way she is sitting.
She touches Raven’s wrist gently, “did Clarke say she was coming tonight?” She whispers into her girlfriend’s ear.
Raven looked at Anya and smiled sadly, “she doesn’t want to see Lexa, doesn’t want to say goodbye or anything. She made it pretty clear to me when she got in from work.”
Anya groaned.
“Don’t, not tonight.” Raven warned.
“I guess something happened at the gallery then?”
Goodbye to everything that I knew
You were the one I loved
“Yeah, Lexa had the nerve to tell Clarke she loves her.”
Anya sighed and looked at Lexa’s back, “at least she finally said it.”
“Bit late for it now though, anyway let’s just enjoy the music for tonight.” Raven rested her hand on Anya’s leg.
Anya looked again at where Lexa was before watching the singer.
I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closin' my eyes, and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right
Lexa isn’t even paying attention to the singer just staring into space, listening to the lyrics.
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything that I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The door swings open to the bar which catches the group’s eyes, it was Clarke. And it look like she ran her fastest as she breathes heavily.
“She’s here!” Octavia points out.
The others look over where Octavia was looking.
Here we go again.
Clarke looked around gathering her bearings and sees her friends but she’s not looking for them.
“Over here!” Octavia calls out to her.
Clarke slowly shakes her head ‘no’.
Octavia looks at her friends, “the hell?”
Anya looks over at Lexa, “she’s not here for the gig, guys.” She looks back at Clarke, “she’s looking for, Lexa.”
And it hurts to want everything
And nothin' at the same time
Anya signals to Clarke to where Lexa is secretly.
Clarke gives her a curt nod and makes her way over moving between bodies.
Lexa’s glass is empty and as the bartender goes to pour another glass she moves her hand to cover it, indicating no more. She can’t drink too much as she has to fly, she doesn’t want to be hungover whilst on a long flight.
The bartender gets the message and moves to a new arrived customer. It was Clarke but she ignored the man as she looks to Lexa’s side profile waiting for Lexa to notice her.
Lexa still looking into space is snapped away by the blonde hair in her peripheral vision and looks at her, Clarke takes a short breath when she notices her.
I want what's yours, and I want what's mine
Lexa’s mouth is agape like she’s about to say something but she pushes any thought or any intention of speaking away.
She looks to the opposite way to Clarke so she can’t see her anymore.
Clarke falters like she’s received a punch to her gut, her lips quiver and her eyes threaten to let the tears go.
I want you, but I'm not givin' in this time
Clarke forced her mouth closed and dipped her head away as she turns to leave the bar, to leave Lexa.
Lexa turns back to watch Clarke walk away, “fuck.”
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything that I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
She grabs her luggage off the stool, tips the bartender generously and runs after Clarke until she grabs Clarke’s hand pulling her close as she drops the holdall at her friend’s table.
Lexa didn’t let Claire have time to pull away if she wanted to, her hands push Clarke back into a beam and kissed her passionately. Clarke didn’t object and pulled Lexa closer by the arms as she leaned back.
Raven looked up from her bottle of beer and almost choked seeing both Lexa and Clarke making out to the right of the group.
Anya scowled at Raven for spitting her beer on her, “really?”
Raven pointed at the pair making out feverishly, meters away.
As Anya looked over and a small smile appeared and was gone instantly when she heard Raven mention it to the other two.
Clarke clings to Lexa’s arms as she takes a gasp of air before reconnecting her lips with Lexa, keeping her there not wanting to let go just yet.
Lexa grips Clarke’s waist and inserts her tongue when they open their lips wider, she felt Clarke’s also. The familiar feeling grabs at both at their hearts, the same passion they had when they were in a relationship.
A few seconds later they pulled away and rested their heads together.
“Don’t go.” Clarke whispered once she could breath again.
“I have to,” Lexa sighed.
Clarke pressed her lips into Lexa’s waiting ones.
They stayed in this moment for a few minutes before Lexa pulls away, allowing a tear fall.
“Take care Clarke,” Lexa takes a step away still holding Clarke’s hand and eventually lets it fall.
She looked over at her sister and makes her way over for a hug.
“Give Clarke my apartment.” Lexa tells as they hug.
When Anya pulled back she nodded, “I’ll let her know.”
“Bye guys,” she smiles at them.
She picks up her luggage and turns to leave, she stops by Clarke pulls her closer and gives her a kiss on the forehead then heads out of the bar.
Raven and Octavia rush over to Clarke and hold her close she pulls Octavia closer then let’s go of her tears into Octavia’s shoulder.
Anya watches the friends console Clarke, “I didn’t expect that.”
“Me either.” Lincoln agreed.
“I also never want to see my sister play tonsil tennis again.” Anya cringed.