Chapter Text
My dearest, Jimin.
Happy birthday!
I mean. I hope technology didn't fail on me and you're actually reading this on your birthday.
He isn't, but it's not any sender's or technology's fault. Emails were the main communication channel in his job as a journalist. Aware of Jimin's tendencies to bury himself into work even on his birthday, Hoseok had literally taken his phone from him and hidden it for the night so Jimin could ignore emails after business hours and enjoy the party.
So there he is, sitting on his bed with disheveled hair and swollen face from the oversleep as he blinks dazedly, eyes shifting from the affectionate greeting to the username heythere84739472.
Jimin gets on his feet to grab a mug of coffee, resolute to keep on reading despite the anonymity.
Anyway. Was it any good? I hope so. I hope you've learned to enjoy your birthdays and broke the cycle where you were either the person throwing up on the toilet or the one helping who was throwing up [war flashbacks].
Oh, funny story! Do you remember that time on your 19th birthday—oh, no. Sorry. Of course you don't.
Because you made a bet with the birthday girl from the next table that you could knock an entire bottle of soju down faster than her and passed out after half an hour, with your face all covered with icing from the cake we tried to shove down your throat to make you come back from the dead.
Jimin almost lets the kettle burn, bending over from laughing while the scarce memories of the day flood his mind. He pours the coffee on his mug and smiles wistfully at it. Boyfriends and girlfriends came and went, but the mug never did. Even if he had to explain to all of them why he had a mug with a picture of a half naked guy with a elephant hat covering his parts.
It's all patched up, the handle has already broken and he had to glue back to place, but he just can't let go. Not when it's a personalized mug, not when it's been a gift from an old friend.
The same old friend whose lap ended up settling a fainted Jimin on his 19th birthday. The same old friend that he's pretty sure to be responsible for this email.
Alright, no more talking about the past. Let's talk about the present. Even better! Let's talk about the future.
You're going to get five more emails in not so random dates. Besides them, I've got two things for you.
First, a request. No matter what happens, if you figure out who I am (and I'm sure it won't be long until you do, considering you've always been the smartest between us), don't look out for me. I know you've always had a hard time taking me seriously, but I'm serious.
And not because I don't want you to find me, rather because you won't be able to. Save yourself from the frustration and don't take this as a challenge. Just trust me.
Second, a charade (or kind of). Do you remember when your obsession of the moment was to solve them? You almost drove me insane because I was literally unable to ignore your annoying ass and annoying enigmas. *Sighing out of relief*, I can finally confess that my brother helped me through at least half of them. Yep. When you praised my wisdom you were actually praising his. Sorry not sorry, the proud smile that you aimed at me always made it worth it.
It's actually a quantum physics experiment, but. Whatever. Let's get it: if a tree falls in a forest and no one’s around to hear it, does it still make a sound?
I guess this is it, at least for now.
Oh, no! Silly me. Before I forget, the most important: I've been in love with you since — since what? Forever, I guess?
With all love I can muster,
see you soon.
Jimin just locks the phone screen and settles the mug at the coffee table, pinning his gaze at some random spot of the blue wall of his living room.
He knows who the sender is. From the very use of the word dearest, he already had a good guess. At every mention of moments they shared together, the space left for doubt shrunk more and more.
So Kim Taehyung's been in love with him since forever. He guesses.
To stare dumbly at nothing is a peaceful reaction, far from what Taehyung probably expected. Jimin can't say that it is something that hasn't wandered over his thoughts once or twice. Or thrice. In a week. For the last six years.
Leastwise looking in hindsight, it isn't exactly surprising.
It feels like when they shared physics classes and Jimin got a question wrong. He reached for Taehyung and gently patted his forearm with two fingers, caressing it while he didn't draw his attention to him. Taehyung was always in high demand during that class. When he turned his head, he met with a pouting Jimin whining and questioning where he went wrong.
Taehyung showed it to him with thorough explanation, and Jimin mouthed an oh.
"Was that it?" Jimin used to smile in gratefulness. "Now I get it."
Now he gets it.
Taehyung and Jimin met when they were twelve. Things have been peculiar between them therefrom. Jimin always thought that their relationship was in a unique place, hard to be fathomed for being so unlike everything else. It couldn't be put in any known box—it wasn't a regular relationship that he had with any other guy of his life, none of his other friends were alike. Neither was it like a bond that he shared with any love interest.
What he had with Taehyung was just theirs. That was the only way it could be described.
For the extraordinary nature of what they shared, Jimin never fully understood why it ended. From day one, they were orbiting around each other and there wasn't a certain sun or a certain planet. They took turns at each post, composing their perfect particular universe.
So time simply passed by until Jimin reached a stoical acceptance, concluding there wasn't anything to be understood. Maybe it was just the way that the universe went on and on in its implacable expansion, destroying to create.
Nonetheless, being contacted by him rekindled a spark of curiosity that was long forgotten inside him. He wasn't one to put blame on others, but Jimin got the feeling that Taehyung took the first step on walking away from him, and the spectacular way in which he's making his comeback only leads Jimin to think he's been right about that. While he showers getting ready for work, the sponge brushes him clean a little too harshly without notice, taking it out on his skin how much his mind was racing.
Would he finally be able to collect the other pieces for the puzzle of why they stopped talking? When would the next email come in? Taehyung said there would be five more. What if he answered the email? Did Taehyung expect him to? How could he, since he demanded that Jimin wouldn't seek him?
Although the answers for those questions were all expressly available in the email, Jimin couldn't help but walk on the streets bumping into people for not being able to take his eyes off the screen, reading it over and over again in the expectation that something would magically gain a new meaning or understanding.
Something did indeed because—wait.
Did he say it was Namjoon who solved the charades for him?
Son of a bitch.
⚛︎
After a month goes by, Jimin thinks that maybe he won't be receiving emails on every 13th like he initially believed. December 13th comes to bury his hopes once and for all, but that doesn't keep him from updating his email every single day, every five minutes.
When the clock ticks midnight on December 30rd, there it is. Jimin only sees it when he wakes up in the morning after, eagerly tapping the notification like a kid would unravel a late Christmas gift.
For this time, he spots a different sender and bites his smile back.
From: kimtaehyung95
First of all, sorry for the mystery in the last email, the anonymity and all. I was wondering if you'd be able to recognize that it was me—and if you didn't, I must say I'm outraged. Humpf.
Jimin rolls his eyes. He wonders how Taehyung could say he was the smartest between them in an email and then underestimate his sapience by implying he's stupid in another.
Byeol jumps on the bed and Jimin shifts to snuggle the cat onto his body. As she keeps purring relentlessly, he promises he'll soon check what it is that she wants, but she bites his hand lightly and he's compelled to give in.
He falters and almost misses a stair-step for getting down while reading his phone, but he can't wait.
I'm sending you this to arrive on December 30th because I didn't want to make the same mistake again and risk that you wouldn't read it until the next day. So I scheduled it to the day before counting that you'd read it on December 31st. [stonks]
"Very wise, Kim Taehyung," Jimin says to himself as he fills Byeol's pot with food. "But you failed to consider that I'd be camping on my phone for the past months waiting for your triumphal appearance."
And just for your information, I'm in fact writing this exactly on December 30th. Does this date ring some bell in your mind?
Yeppppp! Shout out to the birthday boy! Oh, thank you, thank you. 28, I know, right? Very exciting. I wonder a lot of things right now. I wonder what you'll be doing while reading this.
"Well, I'm struggling to clean my cat's poop with one hand as I hold the phone with the other. I really hope you're in a more glamorous position," Jimin keeps talking to himself and gasps when he almost drops his phone in the sandbox.
I'm in Osaka, sitting right next to a window and watching as the snow falls. But do you know what doesn't really get out of my head? To wonder if you're thinking about me while I'm writing this. I wonder if I crossed your mind at least once in a day for the last six birthdays that we missed, because I thought about you in all of yours.
Of course he did. Jimin had wanted to send him a happy birthday message every single year and was on the verge of doing it for the first three, at least. He only decided against it because he found out that Taehyung had deleted his previous social media and didn't follow Jimin in the new one. Jimin found it a very clear message, although silent. Of what, exactly, he couldn't know.
He didn't think about Taehyung only on the birthday itself. It would be inaccurate to say the approach of the holiday season brought Taehyung to his mind since he never really left it. So it would be only fair to say that in the week between Christmas and New Year's Eve he was brought to the spotlight. It was soothing to discover that he wasn't the only one to think about the other.
If I'm in a position to ask you anything, I'd like to ask you to eat something better than me to celebrate my birthday. This jelly is just hideous. God.
Coming back to the major point of this email, do you remember our tradition of making New Year's Eve promises?
I hope you're better at keeping them. I'll never forget when you promised to stop eating pineapples to support me because I was diagnosed with gastritis and wouldn't be able to eat it for a while, just for me to find you eating it in secret two weeks later. Dumbass.
Jimin really cracks up at that, mainly because he can just hear Taehyung's voice calling him dumbass in his mind. He'll never forget the look on Taehyng's face when he lifted the tablecloth and found Jimin literally crouched under the table with a slice of pineapple midway to his mouth. Jimin always claimed he didn't actually break the promise since Taehyung appeared before he could bite it, but he didn't buy it.
New Year's Eve is known for being a time of renewal, isn't it? So, basically, I wanna ask you not to make the same mistakes that I made. If you want something, give it a try, don't be afraid of the outcome. Don't be a coward like I was.
Sticking to our tradition, I want you to promise me that. Not because I think you owe anything to me. In fact, I am the one who owes you the world (and I totally understand if you're angry with me, if you simply choose to ignore any of the other emails that are yet to come. I don't know if you're still reading this one. lol). I just want you to make this promise so as not to become the kind of person that owes things to others, just like I am.
I know it probably must be crossing your mind: why did Taehyung never come back? I could explain this using physics—wow, how original. I could use friction. Do you remember anything about it? Do you remember that static friction is higher than kinetic friction? That happens because it is obviously harder to take an object out of rest than it is to keep it moving after you start the motion.
It was really, really, really hard to give the first step. It hurt me like hell to turn down your calls, your invitations to hang out until I realized that I succeeded on my purpose and you stopped coming to me. And I've never been more miserable for succeeding on anything in my life.
After I gave the first step, I guess I just—
Went with the motion.
But the real reason that has nothing to do with physics was that I intended to walk away from you for a while. I never intended to cut you off for six whole years. It was just so I could get over you.
So why you never reached me again, you silly? You may ask.
Well. Because I never actually got.
Happy new year, Jimin-ah.
Jimin drops his phone carelessly on the kitchen counter and heavily breaths out, tossing his hair back with his clear hand. "Damn, Taehyung."
⚛︎
The content of the email was so overwhelming that the part about Taehyung currently being in Osaka almost went unnoticed to Jimin. He was embarrassingly delayed to finally pay attention to it, almost a month after it arrived in his mailbox. On the other hand, now he couldn't get it out of his head.
Jimin had indeed speculated why he never saw Taehyung again. They didn't share the exact same friends' circle, but he still found it odd that they'd never run into each other by chance in a market, in a drugstore, or on a morning walk. Anything. It all made sense now. They couldn't bump into each other if Taehyung was living in another freaking country.
He wondered how Taehyung was able to keep that secret without being swallowed whole, but it's just to be overcome by a wave of shame right after.
He's such a hypocrite.
First of all, Taehyung wasn't even his friend anymore. Next, he himself was keeping a secret from his present best friend.
Jimin hadn't talked about the emails to anyone, not even to Hoseok. Taehyung didn't mention confidentiality of any kind in the emails, so Jimin was aware that the only reason for keeping that to himself was his own desire. Hoseok kept up with all the process of Taehyung's withdrawal, meaning that he followed closely what it did to Jimin. Hence he simply knows that Hoseok will point out that Taehyung is too audacious for gathering the courage to get in touch with Jimin after so long and warn him that he shouldn't even be reading those emails.
Jimin wishes he would agree, but he couldn't. Ever.
He can't tell if he's too soft or if Taehyung it's too persuasive—maybe both, he'll leave that option open, but he never saw Taehyung as a villain, not at all. He just assumed that it was just life as it is, with its unfortunate and unexplainable events.
If he wasn't willing to turn Taehyung down even when he thought that there wasn't any plausible explanation to what happened, he wouldn't do it now that Taehyung seemed to be willing to clarify everything.
Jimin still spends more time than he'd like to admit theorizing about when he would get another email. Taehyung said it would be in not so random dates, and coming up in their birthdays slash New Year's Eve had proven it. Problem is that he can't think about any other special occasion that would deserve an email, and he's sure he'll go nuts and throw Taehyung's demands out of the window if he has to wait for more nine months.
And the only thing worse than the anxiousness caused by the prospect of not getting any emails is the one caused by the prospect of getting them. Six emails in total, he guaranteed. Four more left.
And then what?
When the third one finally arrives, Jimin is so wrapped up in his work because of a political scandal that has blown up that he only notices it after he's back home at night. He texts Hoseok asking if he's up to something and he declines, saying he isn't available because he'll have dinner with Yoongi to celebrate.
Only then it occurs to him that it's Valentine's Day.
No. Oh, no, he didn't. Jimin shakes his head and opens the email app with an incredulous smirk.
There it is kimtaehyung95 again. Yes, he did.
There's a thing in physics called quantum entanglement. It says that the particles keep connected, entangled. For that, the actions performed on one of them affect the other even if they're afar, separated by a large distance.
So basically this email could be called Spooky Action At A Distance But Make It Cheesy.
This wasn't what I originally had in mind for this email, but it came to me when I was scrolling on social media and found out that you've been granted an award for your work on the corruption scandal with the mayor's leaked data.
Even if we're separated, your conquer made me smile for the whole week, isn't it fascinating? Physics rules (no puns intended).
I'm so, so proud of you. And I must say I never doubted your potential, as I've been familiar with your talent for gossip for years. From telling me that a complete random girl whose name was unknown at the time was pregnant to being rewarded for your excellent contribution to civil society. Wow. Who would've thought? Yes, I would!
Jimin throws his head back laughing and judging by the thump on his wall, he can tell that his grumpy neighbor was able to hear it. He shifts to lie on his stomach and places his phone on the armrest, swinging his legs back and forth gracefully as he rests his chin on his hands.
If you're up to know what happened in my life, I graduated in physics, but soon found out that I didn't want to work with it. I started with photography classes, but I had to interrupt them for personal reasons. But that's fine, it's just probably one of all things I'll never be able to become. One more, one less. lol
Jimin uses his index finger to scroll the email and scoffs but finds it isn't the same thing when Taehyung isn't there to hear it and be mocked. He thinks Taehyung hasn't forsaken the habit of being overdramatic.
May I praise you one more time before I move on, please? Can I say you're the best investigative journalist of the country one more time, so I can imagine you're all flushed, playing it coy while you cover your mouth with one of your tiny hands and beg for me to stop in a low voice?
Jimin's face immediately hardens and he narrows his eyes when he realizes he's doing exactly what Taehyung had described, just to blush and crack up a smile all over again next.
Moving on. I'll tell you why I choose Valentine's Day for you to receive this.
The time I came the closest to opening up about my feelings to you was on Valentine's Day. On Valentine's Day of 2016, to be more specific.
Funny thing is that it had nothing to do with the meaning of the day, it was a huge coincidence. Actually, it was an awful sequence of huge coincidences.
I hope it doesn't seem like I'm making any excuses, but it's just the explanation for how things happened.
Back in February of 2016, we spent a few days at my uncles' house in Daegu. They invited our family because it was their wedding anniversary, I guess? So I invited you. I remember we played with the dogs on a day when it wasn't too cold, drank hot chocolate by the fireplace and we slept together.
I don't know if you were able to tell the difference, but ever since I started fathoming my feelings for you, I tried to avoid some kinds of… Interaction.
Yes. Jimin was.
We always held hands, slept in the same bed, caressed each other. But soon as I recognized that I loved you as more than a regular friend, I tried to let those habits go because I didn't think it was fair to you. It wasn't fair to you to do those things thinking you were just doing… Something… When you were pretty much doing... Everything to me. You know what I mean?
Yes. Jimin knows.
But Jimin doesn't agree that he was just doing something.
Despite that, there was a day when you complained you were feeling cold and I offered one of my blankets to you. You refused, saying I was going to feel cold instead. Then I heard the sounds of you getting up in the dark and tucking yourself under my blanket, and before I could even say a word, you were snuggling onto me. That day, I allowed myself to just melt under your touch and bring you closer, convincing myself that I was doing a good thing. I was just keeping you warm, nothing further than that. Even if feeling your peaceful breath on my lips was enough to keep me up most of the night.
Jimin wasn't sleeping either.
Then Jimin reads a sentence out loud with a sigh, the same thing coming to his mind at the same time,
"It was the last time we ever shared a bed."
It was the last time we ever shared a bed.
The next day, you went to bed early because you had a headache and I stayed up talking to my cousin. Do you remember my cousin Dahyun? We were close at the time, despite living in separate cities, and we got even closer in the past years. That day, Dahyun felt comfortable enough to tell me she was a lesbian and, more than that, that she was in love with her friend. Going through the same things really make people bond, huh?
I encouraged her to open up about her feelings to the girl, and it kind of brought me the courage I needed to open up to you too. We made a pact, supporting each other.
When Valentine's Day came, she took the first step. Problem was that the outcome was the worst possible ever to her. The girl said she was disgusted with Dahyun, that she didn't want to go anywhere near her anymore. And, God, I almost pissed myself out of fear that you would react the same way.
I mean, I never thought you were homophobic, I didn't want to think of you that way, but. Well. I imagine that my cousin didn't expect that either, did she?
So I gave up.
Jimin does understand. He puts himself in Taehyung's shoes and he can imagine how it must've felt. The anticipation, the awe, the slight possibility of ruining their friendship forever.
What he still doesn't understand is why he chose to end it anyway.
But even though he understands to an extent—he can't help but be bitter. Can't help but wish that Taehyung would have at least given it a shot, mainly for not being able to know for sure how he would've reacted. He wishes he could know.
Jimin obviously wouldn't react with disgust, if that was Taehyung's major fear. At that time, he still hadn't fully comprehended that he liked men, but the idea was already there. Hovering, probing.
Maybe he'd say he didn't expect that, maybe he'd excuse himself saying he only saw Taehyung as a friend—and maybe he really thought that was the truth back then. But right at the time when Taehyung decided to walk away, Jimin was just in the process of sorting things out. It coincided with the time when he met Hoseok and he straightforwardly questioned with a cheeky grin,
"What's up between you and this friend, huh?"
Hoseok dibbled a dangerous seed, the what-if seed. Because when it buds, it blossoms to an even more dangerous thing called hope.
After Taehyung walked away, Jimin needed something else to fill his time. Hoseok was an outstanding friend for putting real effort into taking him to movies, to watch sports, to clubs. Ensuingly, Jimin kissed a man for the first time. He made out with a man for the first time. He had sex with a man for the first time.
And for the first time, he had to stop sex midway because Taehyung popped on his head.
Jimin really wants to know how he would've reacted if Taehyung offered his heart to him, but he was never given the chance.
That Valentine's Day ended up being remarkable for a completely different reason, since I exchanged one decision for another, deciding on shutting instead of opening and oh my God I just realized in this exact second that if you're currently dating someone it'll be just. Geez. I hope I'm not throwing cold water on your celebration or something. Arghhhhhhhh I'll reassure myself thinking that if that's the case you'll be doing a lotta sex and not reading an email from your scatterbrained old friend.
Now that we got into that matter, I must say that if you're with someone, I hope you're happy and I really, really, really mean it. And if you're not, I also hope that you know that nobody needs another person in order to be happy and feel fulfilled. But you, Jimin, you above all people—I never met someone so whole in my entire life. I hope you already know how enough you are.
(Sorry for getting in this Self Improvement Train once in a while but, in my defense, people put me on these tracks lately and it wasn't even my will)
Oh, by the way. The movie Secret Zoo is good to watch provided by ice cream if you're on your own. ;)
Jimin watches the movie, but instead of a pot of ice cream he grabs a bottle of wine and allows himself to pretend it’s Taehyung's hand caressing his hair instead of his own until he falls asleep.
⚛︎
When Jimin goes to bed on April 27, he's sure about two things: the next day will hurt like hell and there will be an email from Taehyung.
He wakes up and finds both of them to be true.
Good morning, Jimin-ah.
This one, in particular, I really hope you're reading it on the right day. I'll never be able to understand how it feels, only imagining it always got me amazed by your strength.
You don't know how I wish I could hug you right now.
Jimin knows. Jimin wishes the same.
He sighs mournfully. Knowing it isn't enough to make it possible.
You always asked me to distract you on this day, to keep your mind occupied with anything else. I hope I'm not too out of shape.
You won't believe what happened two nights ago. I went to the cafeteria to have dinner, nothing abnormal, so far. I spotted a salad and—Jimin. Really. It was just the prettiest salad I've ever seen in my entire life. I swear. Picture a salad. Now, picture it a thousand times prettier. If you were a salad, you'd be that salad. I almost felt pity for eating it, thinking it was too pretty to be eaten. I soon found out that it would be better if I had stuck to that mindset.
Jimin. Someone forgot to signal that there were nuts in the salad.
Jimin gasps in shock, now absolutely entranced by the narrative.
It was like Christmas 2010 all over again! For this time I ate even more of it, I swear, I shove three or four full bites on my mouth before I could taste it. I tried to spit what was on my mouth, but it was too late. If you're holding back your laugh, you can laugh, okay. I'm laughing now that it has passed.
My tongue immediately started to swell! I was ridiculously mumbling incoherent sounds asking for help like mphhfhhh hjjjepppp I'mmgfppff allllherigccccc while pointing to it, sticking it out. I was lucky that I got treated quickly, my face's still huge and round as Jupiter. I'd send you a picture, but nah. It's been six years with no sight of my face, I'm not going to change that right now that it looks like I've been bitten by a bunch of bees.
Jimin's laugh slowly fades by the remark of the detachment. Jimin was so captivated by his story, sent back to Christmas 2010, sent to the cafeteria where Taehyung was having dinner, that he borders on forgetting about the fact they aren't friends anymore.
He borders on forgetting about the weight of the day he is currently living.
If Taehyung were actually there, maybe he wouldn't be so frustratingly on the border.
Alright, alright. Enough of my misery. Now we're stepping into yours, as the next topic is: physics.
One of the biggest obsessions of those who deal with quantum physics is time. Time's basically the single known thing that goes in one direction only: forward. People literally go insane trying to figure out how to change that, how to bend, break, or manipulate time, in general. If you ask any quantum physicist what's their major goal, they'll probably say it's to figure out how to travel in time.
If they don't, they're lying.
The worst part is that this obsession with time travel ended up infecting society and now we have an exorbitant amount of shitty movies with this theme. Yeah, Jimin, remember when you made me watch Donnie Darko promising me I'd love it? The only thing that topped that was when you made me watch Butterfly Effect. This one… I'll never be able to forgive you.
(Do you know what's the worst part of communicating via emails? You can't interrupt my ramblings. Please help)
Jimin giggles and lies on his back, holding his phone over his head. Taehyung's always been worried that he'd be pestering Jimin when talking about his interests, always losing track and splicing one subject on the other. He always begged that Jimin would cut him off. Jimin never did. He wouldn't ever.
In a drastic change of the subject but not really, I must say that I don't know if you had fallen in love at this point, and I don't know if it happens the same for everyone, but—for me, I can say I had an apple-falling-from-the-tree moment.
Did you know that the apple didn't really fall on Newton's head? It makes the metaphor even more suitable. Just like Newton, I only watched it happen. It didn't cause me any pain.
Anyway.
It happened back when we were talking nonsense as always and you asked me which superpower I wished I could have, like teleportation, the ability to fly, going back in time, and stuff. Do you remember that?
Jimin finds it funny how Taehyung just keeps asking if he remembers things. As if he was even able to forget any of that. That's not how memory works.
If he wasn't capable of forgetting April 28 of 2006 despite how hard he tried to, if he didn't forget the day when his grandmother passed away because of a heart attack and changed his life forever, that causing Jimin to move from Busan to Seoul to live with his parents—then he wasn't going to forget anything related to Taehyung anytime soon.
When I was still thinking about my answer, you said you wanted to go back in time and change the day your grandma died. Then I realized I wanted to go back in time and do just the same.
That's how I knew I loved you. That's when I watched the apple falling from the tree.
Now, if I could rewind time, I wouldn't go back to the day that I decided to get away from you. I would still go back to that day and avoid her death, even if that meant we probably wouldn't know each other.
And that's how I know I still love you.
Jimin realizes he's been crying when he needs to blink a few times to prevent his vision from blurring so he can read the last sentence straight.
Whether Taehyung intended it or not, he changed Jimin's ground a little bit. April 28th would be from now on also the day Taehyung said with all the words that he still loves him. Not that he was in love with him. That he loves him.
The sense of permanence, in place of momentary, really hits him hard.
In some kind of way, Jimin feels grateful for Taehyung. Jimin's been through all years with the notion that what he truly needed was to divert his mind from what would hurt him. Now he's changed his mind.
He sits on his bed and allows himself to cry and allows himself to smile and, for once, allows himself to feel.
⚛︎
Jimin's at the pilates when the notification ring momentarily interrupts the music on his headset. He lies to the instructor saying he has an important matter of his work to figure out and dismisses himself, heading to the balcony.
While he waits for the page to load, his eyebrows are knotting out of curiosity for the reason behind the date. It doesn't ring any particular bell to him.
Fortunately, Taehyung still seems efficient in answering the questions before he asks them.
Hey, there.
You're probably questioning what's special about today.
And the answer is: nothing.
When I first started writing this, I was going to pretend that sending an email on a random day was my intent from the beginning, so I could feel closer to you. Casually, you know? Like I was part of your routine somehow.
But I have always been a terrible liar when it came to you, so I'm confessing that this was actually a consequence of poor planning. I wanted to send you six emails and was stupid enough to not recognize that there were only five special dates.
Now I realize it might be some kind of Divine Providence, the content of this email considered. So let's say it's a mix of poor planning and the Universe and my cheesy ass since I do want to be part of your routine.
He leans on the balcony carefully not to drop his phone from the second floor, the stunned smile being impossible to hold back. Jimin thinks Taehyung's unbelievable.
What are you doing today?
I was going to take a walk, but a blizzard got in the way of my plans. This room is starting to get on my nerves, I swear to God. Someday I will just steal some paint and color it blue before anyone can even notice it.
I was watching a lame cooking show, but it started to get on my nerves as well. Why do the chefs need to humiliate them so much? It makes me sad. Ugh. I guess I'm just too sensitive nowadays. Is there any chance that it's those kinds of things when our paths are crossed and we exchange personalities? Did I become the sensitive one and you're the tough one now? I hope not. The greatness of your heart has always been one of the things that I loved the most about you.
Jimin shivers and his smile falters. His lips part. He thinks Taehyung's beyond unbelievable.
I flipped through the channels and found a show about astronomy. I couldn't resist, you know I'm a sap for this. I wouldn't be overstating it if I say that it pretty much saved my day. Fun show.
It also reminded me of that one time when we visited the planetarium. Do you remember that? I hope you do, it would be embarrassing if you didn't, the amount of memories that I've got from that day considered. When we finished the tour, you went right to the guide and engaged in a conversation, I could assume you were asking things from afar. I remember very well that I felt jealous. Not because you were talking to someone else, obviously! Please, don't get me wrong. I guess that saying that I felt... robbed... would suit it better? lmao. I spent the previous night reading a book about astronomy because I wanted to impress you and you didn't give me the chance to. I wanted so bad to hear the questions that were crossing your mind.
Jimin laughs at the memory. He only asked the guide instead of Taehyung because he didn't want his questions to sound stupid to his ears. He wanted to impress Taehyung as well.
Seokjin coughs at the door, drawing his attention to him. Jimin gulps like a kid that's been caught in the middle of something wrong and lets the instructor know he's almost done.
He doesn't complain when the man keeps leaned against the door although he feels pressed, hurried. Jimin knows it's not like Seokjin's wrong, he's wasting his time, after all. He just wishes he would've waited to read it when he got home because now he won't be able to stop.
After a while, you hopped merrily to me and I immediately melted on the inside. When we left, all my vanity bit me in the ass because you asked me if it was true that every star we see from earth is already dead and I didn't know the answer. Even when I told you I was useless at that matter, you smiled at me fondly and reassured me saying we were going to find out together eventually. I asked you why you wanted to know that and I was never able to forget what you said, the outraged countenance you had with a gaped mouth, hand over your chest, and squeaky voice, with the exact words:
"Imagine how terrible it would be to bond with a star just to find out it is already dead?"
We headed to an ice cream shop. Or was it a coffee shop? Damn. Now I can't recall. Anyway, what I do recall was that there was a mirror behind the counter and you pointed to our reflection with a giggle, emphasizing our size difference. You told me we were like Antares and the Sun and I remarked that the comparison was absolutely disproportional. I found it the cutest thing ever, regardless.
I didn't expect that you'd say that it wasn't since I was the largest star in your galaxy and squeeze my cheeks.
C'mon, Jimin. Seriously. How could you just say that sort of thing and expect me not to fall in love with you?
Eventually, I did my research, so I'm gonna tell you the answer if it still interests you or if you don't know it already.
No, not every star is dead when we see them. But yes, unfortunately, sometimes we might be bonding with stars that are long gone completely oblivious to that fact.
Taehyung had an uncle that was struck by lightning once. Every family meeting he talked about the experience, describing it felt like excruciating pain and then the sensation that the world has stopped like the time frozen and he couldn't think, hear or even see anything. His sight went white, his thoughts went blank. Jimin had a chance to hear this story once.
So when Jimin finishes that sentence, he's pretty comfortable to say that realization hits him like lightning because it feels just the same.
He's glad that Seokjin had stuck around because he wouldn't be able to vocalize a plea for someone's help as he feels like there isn't available air on Earth to be inhaled anymore.
Taehyung is dead.
⚛︎
On August 2nd, Jimin thinks that maybe Taehyung was right. Maybe they did exchange personalities and he became the tough one.
This day is the anniversary of when they've met.
On this day, an email predictably comes to his mailbox.
Jimin deletes it.
⚛︎
Everything that happened after that final line is a blur in Jimin's mind. He just retrieves to bend forward with shortness of breath and laugh hysterically. He doesn't remember crying. He does remember yelling into his pillow until his throat felt sore.
The crying part came when the possibility of everything being just a cruel misunderstanding crossed his mind, just for him to find out that it wasn't.
Jimin searched for Taehyung's social media in a fuse of faith and wrath. The latter increased when it was revealed to him that he had the audacity of blocking him so he couldn't have access to it, so Jimin swapped to Hoseok's account that's been forgotten on his phone for some reason—and there it was.
At the first sight of a grieving post, Jimin threw his phone on his bed like he'd been electrified. He got on his feet and pulled the strings of his hair in despair. He tried to yell again and was overcome by frustration when nothing came out and he realized that he couldn't even do that, his throat still dry and hurt from the recent meltdown.
He doesn't remember when or how exactly he asked Hoseok to come to his house, but he was glad that he did. Hoseok quietly understood it when Jimin resorted to turning the phone screen to him. He pulled Jimin onto him, letting his sobs be engulfed by his embrace.
When he had quieted down, he easily slipped into unconsciousness. The feeling that someone took a part of you out of your chest, incinerated it, and put it back can be exhausting.
The next day, his first impulse in the morning was to search for Namjoon's profile. He found a picture from four months ago of both he and Taehyung with a long text as a caption. It was as emotional as it was long, talking about how Taehyung bravely fought against cancer and how missed he was going to be.
Even if Hoseok was sleeping in the living room, he woke up to the sound of Jimin's phone being hurled into a mirror.
Anger kept Jimin company for the following week. Then, it began to share the place with a conflicting feeling.
Now, he wishes he had unraveled his death sooner. He wishes he hadn't heard anything that Taehyung asked him for and searched for his profile right after the first email, so he could've found out right away.
Because hope has grown into a huge freaking tree and death was the only saw to bring it to the ground.
On the other hand, he knows it's what Taehyung wanted. More than that, it was what Taehyung planned.
Taehyung was practically a renaissance man. Anyone looking at first would think he was a narrow-minded guy for being a physicist, but that was a ridiculous reductionism. He wasn't limited to knowledge little boxes, he could put on pretty much anything. Jimin tried to persuade him to go to the school of media and communication with him, only 1% of that due to him wanting to keep him close. The other 99% was for really believing that he had the potential to become an incredible writer.
Only Taehyung could make such storytelling out of his death. Jesus.
On a night of particular courage when he fails to put himself to sleep, he finally turns his trash over searching for the last email and sighs out of relief for seeing it hasn't been automatically deleted yet. His thumb reluctantly hovers over the screen, mainly for knowing that it would represent the end.
He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and presses.
Jimin practically falls back with the first few lines.
My dearest, Jimin.
You must have a lot of questions now, and I swear that I hope I can answer them.
When you decided to become a journalist, I joked that it would mean that nothing of mine would be dodged from you. Not even my faulty brain could forget your answer.
"No, you're immune to my powers. You're the only person in the world that I'll always want to hear your stories personally and exclusively from you."
If you tried to reach my social media, and I really hope you didn't, that's why I blocked you. I didn't want you to find everything in that lame way.
"Was this way any better, Taehyung?" Jimin asks and for a second he regrets the attention he didn't pay to the cults his grandmother used to take him in his childhood. He doesn't think he's asking for too much, wishing he was a religious person. He just wants to live in a reality in which he believes that there's an afterlife because that would mean that Taehyung's hearing him from somewhere.
Yep. What I'm trying to say is: don't hate me, you asked for this.
(I'm kidding. Please. Seriously. Don't hate me.)
Jimin shows his middle finger to nowhere in particular above him. Then he shows it to the ground, just in case.
Jimin wants Taehyung to be in heaven but he also wants him to be in hell. For two weeks, at least, just enough for him to have a taste of what he's been going through.
He points it to the ceiling again, more resolutely.
Jimin helplessly watches the apple falling from the tree as he realizes that he would only ever want Taehyung to be in the safest, coziest paradise available for him to be.
I was diagnosed with a brain tumor three years ago. I had surgery, but it was of no use. Oh, that's why I'm in Japan, by the way. I came here for an experimental treatment, but it also didn't work, blah-blah-blah. Honestly, I'm not going deeper into those details because I don't want to help you to come up with any images of me like that in your mind.
Thing is that when I came up with this idea and started writing to you, my death wasn't a certainty. At least not to me. I had that inevitable, childish hope that I was going to recover—to be honest, I still have, despite people's efforts to shrink it every day. So I wrote to you exactly because I needed an excuse, I needed the guts to reach you. If I ended up dying... Well, I was dead. If I didn't… Oops! I would need to face my feelings and face you (and I would say "oh my God, I'm sorry for the inconvenience. I thought I was, you know... Dying").
While there's life, there's hope, right? So when you're reading this, I have clear instructions for you. If I'm somehow, by any chance, right by your side, laying on the bed or brushing my teeth in the shower, just get to me and ask for my answer.
If I'm not, keep on reading this to figure out what it is.
Jimin completely forgot about the question that started all this, the charade of the first email from almost a year ago. And he doesn't even know why, but he does look at his side. He looks and he obviously yet disappointingly only meets his cat stretching her body.
He looks at the bed and it is empty.
He sharpens his hearing and confirms that nobody's taking a shower in his bathroom.
So he goes on.
I'll never get to hear your answer to the question, but here's mine: I believe that if a tree falls in a forest and there's no one to hear, it doesn't make a sound.
And just like the tree doesn't make a sound, I think my love would be mute if I kept it to myself.
I couldn't stand to be a silent tree anymore, so.
I guess now you hear me.