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Gabe checked the calendar again. Yep, they had a homestead right over Hanukkah, and Stephen didn’t have any work trips scheduled. That meant Stephen had lots of time to cook. Fucking great.
Don’t get Gabe wrong, Stephen is an excellent cook, but the problem is that he’s also an evil genius. Gabe has one little outburst on Nucks TV and Stephen has never let him forget about it.
“Little?” Stephen snorts. “Gabe, you were yelling about potatoes on social media for a solid fifteen minutes. They had to edit it for length.”
Gabe is generally pretty easy-going, but some things are *sacred*. He realizes that every time he reacts strongly about latkes he’s pouring oil on the fire (ha ha get it, pouring oil, Gabe is so proud of himself. He’s going to be such a good dad.) and spurring Stephen on, but he just can’t help it.
The first year he really should have expected it. They have a home matinee game on the last night of Hanukkah and he goes home after only to be presented with a shit-eating grin and a plate of… cauliflower things. He refuses to call them latkes. If you think of them as something completely different they’re… acceptable, but latkes they’re not. It is a measure of how much Stephen loves him that he also has some proper latkes in the oven crisping up. Thank goodness.
By the time next Hanukkah rolls around, Gabe has completely forgotten all about it, what with a Cup run, summer vacation, and a new season in-between. He stumbles home after a loss (damn the Scouts) to Stephen waiting up for him with the hanukkiah ready to go. It’s long past sundown but he couldn’t light candles before the game. Gabe will never get over how sweet Stephen can be. As he gets closer he sees plates piled with… what the hell is that?
“What the hell is that?” Gabe says, pointing at the full plates.
Stephen has an evil glint in his eyes. “Latkes,” he says latkconically.
Gabes comes closer and peers at them dubiously. “What’s in them?” he asks.
“Kohlrabi and carrot,” Stephen says proudly. “They’re keto-friendly.”
Ah. Stephen is being mean. Balance is restored to the universe.
“You promised me you wouldn’t make those things again!” Gabe exclaims.
Now Stephen is flat out grinning. It would be disturbing for most people, but Gabe sees it as a sign of love. Or something. “These are not the same ones. I found other recipes.”
“Oh, you did,” Gabe says weakly. Shit. Shit shit shit. How many other recipes has he found? How many years will this torture last? Is he supposed to eat these or is it enough that he’s wounded in his soul?
“Happy Hanukkah!” Stephen says brightly.
Luckily Stephen has a work trip for the rest of Hanukkah, so Gabe is spared whatever torture he might come up with for the other days. Gabe’s stomach might not last all eight days otherwise.
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The third year Gabe is on guard the day before Hanukkah starts and he preemptively empties the vegetable drawer of the fridge. Just in case. First night Stephen is out of town and Gabe sighs in relief. The second night Stephen is too tired from his trip to cook, and Gabe gets to pick up burgers and fries under the pretext that fries are fried, and thus an appropriate religious observance, Stephen. Gabe loves Hanukkah. 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th night go by, with Stephen calling up Gabe’s mom for her sufganiyot recipe, Gabe packing his travel hanukkiah to light candles on the road while facetiming his parents and keeping his idiot teammates away from open flames, and all the usual Hanukkah things. He’s happy to be home on the 7th night, tired but with two wins under his belt, and that is when Stephen strikes.
“What the fuck!” Gabe yelps. He pokes at the thing on his plate. “Do I even want to know what’s in these?”
“White beans and zucchini,” Stephen says promptly.
Gabe moans in despair. Beans. Beans! He likes beans as much as the next guy, but this is just wrong.
“How much time have you spent researching these,” Gabe asks. He’s not sure he wants to know the answer.
“Enough,” says Stephen.
That’s what Gabe was afraid of.
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Gabe doesn’t know what to expect this year, but he knows Stephen, so he has complete faith that he will find some way to torture Gabe with cursed facsimiles of latkes. Gabe realizes that he’s thinking about this almost fondly and that’s when he realizes that Stephen has gone and made horrible food part of their Hanukkah tradition.
“You’re an evil genius,” Gabe says admiringly as he drops a kiss on Stephen’s head.