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*****
I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight
And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain
“Hey Doll.” You heard Bucky call out behind you, stopping you in your flight from Fury’s office,, “Are we still on for tomorrow tonight?”
“Crap.” You muttered, your hopes of avoiding him dashed
Nat gave you a concerned look from where she was sitting in the main lounge but you ignored her and turned around to face Bucky.
“Are you ready for our first Valentine’s day together?” he asked with a smile.
“Umm…. I can’t,” you responded, feeling like the lowest of the low , but you knew that it was for the best.
“Why?” Bucky asked, looking hurt, “Do you have a mission ?”
“Umm…” you started, aware that the rest of the team was slowly filtering into the room. “I can’t Bucky. I’m sorry.”
You turned to leave but Bucky’s hand shot out to grab your wrist, halting you.
“Why?” he asked again, his face full of confusion, hurt shining in his eyes. And fear. That fear you knew, of being rejected as the monster Hydra made, because of the things he had done. “What’s wrong Y/N?”
You could see Steve over Bucky’s shoulder, watching the scene unfold with a disapproving look on his face and you knew that everyone was watching the two of you.
“I can’t Bucky.” You pleaded as you twisted your arm, trying to free it from his loose grasp. “I’m sorry.”
“Why?” he repeated, pulling you closer to him, “Talk to me Y/N.”
“Because it’s not you.” You finally snapped. “It’s me Bucky. It’s all me. I can’t do this. I’m sorry. I am but I can’t do this.”
With those words you yanked your arm free from Bucky’s grasp and fled the room.
Nat looked from you to Bucky before she hurried after you.
“Y/N?! Y/N wait up!” she called after you.
You ignored the redhead as you stormed into your room and grabbed your duffle bag, stuffing as much into it as possible.
“Y/N?” Nat burst into your room and stopped dead when she saw you packing . “What are you doing?”
“What does it look like I am doing?” you replied, “I’m leaving.”
“Why?” she demanded as she grabbed a stack of clothes out of your hands and put them back in your drawers.
“You saw Cap’s face. I just broke his best friend’s heart. There’s no way that he will keep me on the team now.” you growled as you snatched the clothes and stuffed them into your duffle, as Nat had taken more clothes out.
“He’s just concerned for his friend.” Nat argued, “Both of them. As am I.”
I rolled my eyes at that. “Please.” I retorted, “Cap only cares for Bucky and he will not want me around after what I did.”
“Dammit Y/N.” Nat growled as she grabbed your arms and gave you a shake. “Why did you do it? I mean I know how you get….”
“What is that supposed to mean?” I snapped, “How do I get?”
“Whenever someone gets too close to you, you push them away. When it gets too real you run.” She yelled. “Dammit Y/N! When you met Bucky, I finally thought that you would stop running. Yet here you are again. Actually running away this time.”
She looked at you as if something just occurred to her, “Oh… oh…” she breathed, “I get it.”
You stopped packing briefly to shoot her a look, wondering what she was going on about now.
“You are scared.” She accused, “Bucky broke through all your defenses so you are running away before things get too intense.”
You scoffed. “That’s hardly it.”
“Then what is it Y/N?!” she yelled, throwing her hands up.
“It’s a pre-emptive strike!” you yelled back. “I am getting out before he can hurt me. Because that happens every time I let someone get close. They use me and then they leave me. Or they hurt me…physically, emotionally, mentally. At some point they take me apart and smash the pieces. And if it happens again, there won’t be anything left to pick up.”
“Y/N.” Nat said softly. “He’s not your exes he’s not going too….”
“He’s not going to what Nat?” I yelled, “It’s valentine’s’ day! Do you realize that I have never had a valentine? Well, my first serious boyfriend on valentine’s day spoiled me…. Got me in bed and then broke up with me the next day…. Remember Jake? My ex-fiancé? Well, he broke up with me the day before valentine’s day and then got back together with me the next day, just so he could avoid having to do anything on valentine’s day…. And all the other stuff that he did to me….”
“Y/N.” Nat cried, “Bucky would never do to you what Jake did. Ever. And he would not ignore you on Valentine’s Day like Victor did. Or buy his mistress presents with your money like your ex-husband did.”
“Ya, well I don’t plan on sticking around to find out.” You growled as your phone beeped. Looking at it, you let out a relieved sigh. “I’ve got a mission. For real this time. I have to go.”
“And will you be back?” Nat asked as you grabbed your weapons duffel.
You had no answer as you shouldered your bag. Opening the door, you pushed past the members of your team who were hanging outside your door, not so subtly listening to your conversation. Ignoring everyone, you walked away from them shrugging off the various hands that tried to stop you.
“Y/N, when are you coming back?” Tony asked as you pushed the button for the elevator.
As the doors opened, you turned to face them, avoiding Bucky’s eyes and Steve’s glare.
“I’m not.” You said as the doors closed, ending any further conversations.
How could this happen to me
I’ve made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
*****
Bucky turned to look at Nat.
“What do you know?” he growled, “What was that about an ex-husband?”
“You didn’t know that Y/N was married before?” Nat asked incredulously.
“No, we didn’t.” Steve answered for everyone. “So why don’t you enlighten us?”
“I knew.” Clint spoke up, “She… she’s been through hell when it comes to relationships. Some of those guys… they really hurt her.”
“So much so that she can’t let anyone get close to her.” Nat added, “But it was different with you Bucky. It was real. It was too real and she got scared.”
Bucky sighed, “What did they do to her?” he asked quietly.
“You heard.” Nat said simply.
“Not all of it.” Bucky growled. “What was it about her ex-fiancé that she refused to say?”
“Do you really want to know?” Nat replied, “Or can you just take my word that it was so bad that she doesn’t talk about it?”
“What I want to do is talk to her about it.” Bucky whispered, “And show her that I will never let anyone hurt her like that again.”
“I’ll find out where she was sent.” Nat replied, “We can go from there.”
“Do it.” Bucky snarled, clenching his fists. He wanted to beat someone. Not you, but the jackasses who hurt you so much that you ran away before he even got a chance to tell you how much he loved you.
*****
It’d been two months since you walked out on the team and became a ghost. You knew that it was better that way . You stuck to taking solo missions and avoiding anything that had to do with the Avengers.
So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t
This mission was supposed to be simple, but you knew that you were in trouble when your extraction plan blew up right in front of you. Literally.
You were stuck behind enemy lines, injured and alone. No one knew where you were and truthfully you doubted that anyone cared after what you had done.
How could this happen to me
I’ve made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
You had regrets. You had so many, and you wanted to tell Bucky that you did love him. But your exes were in your head, trying to break you all over again. Every time Bucky reached his hand up to cup your face, you saw Jake’s fist. Every time you made a simple mistake like knocking over your drink, you heard Victor telling you how stupid you were. Every time you smiled at one of your male teammates, you heard Victor accuse you of being a whore. Every time Bucky bought something, you immediately thought that it was for someone else, because who would waste their money on you, you were not important, a fact that your ex-husband reminded you of every chance he got.
“Bucky.” You whispered to the cold night air as it got harder to breathe, “I wish I could have told you how real it was for me. I do love you. But I let my exes ruin it. Like they ruined me. I didn’t think that you would love me after what they did to me. I’m sorry.”
I’ve made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
“It’s alright, doll. I got you.” Bucky whispered as he picked up your unconscious form, having arrived just to hear your whispered confession before you blacked out. “I’ve got you.”
*****
When you slowly came to, you realized three things, well four. You were alive. Your wrists were bound together. You were propped up against a rock wall, the surface icy cold against your back. The air was chilly and mostly silent, broken up only by the crackling of a fire. And when you finally opened your eyes there was one more thing.
There was a pissed off super solider sitting across from you in the small cave , glaring at you over the fire as he toyed with his tactical knife.
“Bu-Bucky.” You gasped, as you struggled to free your bound wrists. “What are you doing here?”
“When you left Fury’s office, you were already planning on leaving, weren’t you?” he asked, ignoring your question. “You were not even going to say goodbye, were you?”
“Bucky. It’s…I…” you faltered, at a loss for what to say. You never expected to see him again. At least not so soon. You had thought he would have found someone more worthy of his affections.
“Answer me!” He yelled, making you flinch and fight harder to get free. “Why were you just going to leave me. And do… what did Nat call it, Ghosting?”
“Bucky.” You tried again, trying to calm him down, “Untie me and we can talk.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?” he snarled, “I’m not giving you the chance to run away again until we have had a good long talk. It took me forever to set this up so I could finally get you alone so we could talk.”
“You… what… did you blow up my extraction plan?” you yelled, wishing that you were able to hurl something at him.
“You refused to talk to anyone on the team.” He snapped, “You went dark if you thought that you were being followed.”
“Which means that I was correct if you know that.” You snapped back, “So clearly I was right.”
“When a little birdie told me that you were going on this mission, I told them that I would be your extraction plan.” Bucky replied, “Because then you would finally have to talk to me and explain yourself.”
“You blew up my extraction plan.” You accused again, glaring at him.
“I blew something up, saving your luscious ass in the process, doll.” Bucky taunted and you rolled your eyes.
“Oh please.” You scoffed, “You’ve never seen my ass.”
“Not for lack of trying.” Bucky muttered, “You kept holding out on me.”
“And me getting hurt in the process?” you challenged, ignoring his jab “Was that part of the plan?”
“No.” Bucky laughed, “But it did make it easier for me to catch you. Plus you are fine now, I stitched you up.”
Looking down, you saw that the wound on your bare thigh was indeed clean and stitched up.
Wait. Your bare thigh.
You had no pants on.
“Where are my pants?” you demanded.
“I needed something to start the fire with.” Bucky replied calmly, “Plus it will keep you from running .”
“What am I, your prisoner now?” You screeched and Bucky lunged across the small room and clamped his metal hand over your mouth.
“Careful, doll” he whispered in your ear, causing a shudder to run through you as his lips brushed your ear, “We are still in enemy territory.”
Shuffling around, Bucky settled you between his legs, hand still clamped tightly over your mouth, his warm chest a welcome relief to your cold back. His free arm snaked around your middle and drew you flush against him.
“Now.” he rasped as he mouthed at your ear, making you squirm against him at the sensation. “Are you going to tell me why you left? Why were you going to leave without saying anything?”
Bucky’s mouth moved from your ear down your neck as his thumb traced soothing circles on your arm.
“Mffptt.” You replied, squirming against Bucky, well rubbing yourself against him like a damn cat in heat would have been a better description.
“What was that doll?” Bucky asked, nipping your neck lightly.
At your muffled yelp you could feel Bucky’s smirk against your skin. He slid his hand down to lightly grip your throat and you sucked in a big breath of air before you spoke.
“I…I am so broken, Bucky.” You whispered, “You deserve someone who is whole. Who is not haunted by the ghosts of her exes. But…. But I couldn’t say goodbye to you to your face, so I was going to run, and then… you found me before I could get out.”
You let out a broken sob. “Breaking up with you like that was the hardest thing that I have ever done. Bar none.”
Bucky’s kisses stilled as he felt your tears flowing down your face and over his hand.
“Baby…” he whispered into your neck, “I am far from whole. I am even more broken than you are.”
Bucky reached up to grab your chin, turning your head so he could look into your eyes. “But you put me back together.” He said seriously. “I will never be who I once was, but I am a better man with you in my life. There is no one else for me. You are the one person who can withstand my jagged edges. And I can handle each and every one of yours, no matter how sharp they are.”
“I love you.” You sobbed, “I love you so much, Bucky.”
“I love you too.” He replied as he pressed his lips against yours, softly at first, then slowly becoming more demanding.
You moaned and wiggled, trying to get free so you could properly kiss and touch him.
Bucky growled and quickly spun you, pressing you flat against the ground as he kissed you, pinning your bound hands above your head as he covered your body with his own and ground his arousal against your leg.
Bucky’s mouth left yours and started pressing kisses and bites along your neck, as his free hand cupped your breast through the thin fabric of your top, squeezing hard enough to make you gasp.
“Bucky, untie me.” You gasped, “I want to touch you.”
Bucky chuckled as he sat up with a knee on either side of your hips and looked down at you as his hand played with the collar of your shirt.
“Not yet, doll.” He drawled, “You are going to stay tied up while I draw every sinful sound that I can from you, as a punishment for running from me.”
“Then.” He continued as he ripped your shirt and bra off with one hand, “Then I will untie you, turn you over fuck you so hard that you can’t walk. I will fuck every damn thought of your exes out of your mind and worship every inch of your body while I am at it. I will make you mine. Over and over again.”
Heat flooded your core at his words and you desperately tried to rub your thighs together to get some sort of relief as Bucky’s filthy, possessive words turned you on more than you thought that they could.
“Bucky.” You whined.
He smirked as he trailed his fingers over your face, lightly squeezing your neck before dropping down to tease your nipples.
“Bucky!” you gasped, as you writhed underneath him. “Bucky!!”
“Shh. Baby. I got you.” He whispered, as he nipped your neck, kissing his way down your body, stopping to bite and tease your nipples, making you gasp and cry out at the sweet torture.
“Bucky!” you wailed, trying to be quiet but needing so much more.
Bucky looked up at you and shot you a filthy grin before he kissed his way along your writhing body, before ripping off your panties and diving right in, licking along your slit teasingly.
“Bucky!” you whined, “Bucky! I need you!! Bucky!”
Bucky nipped your thigh before he dived back in, no longer teasing. He ate you out like he was a starving man and you were a feast from the gods, his hands holding your hips in place so you couldn’t move.
“Bucky!” you moaned, needing more but not wanting him to stop.
“Patience Kitten.” Bucky growled, as he added a finger, curling it just right. “Soon.”
He added another finger and slowly sat up as he quickly started to shed his clothes one handed, only taking his fingers away when he needed to use two hands, making you cry out in frustration.
He brought you to the brink and left you there as he shed his pants and boots. Dropping back down over you. He kissed you, sharing the taste of you as his thick heavy cock leaked precum all over your stomach.
“Bucky. Please.” You pleaded, fighting against your restraints again. “I need you now.”
“Shh baby.” Bucky kissed you again, nipping your lip as he eased himself into your wet heat. “Fuck you feel so good.”
Bucky sunk into you achingly slowly, his face buried in your neck as he tried to restrain himself from fucking you into the ground.
“Bucky.” You gasped, “I need you now. Fuck me right now. Hard and fast. We can worry about soft and gentle later!”
At your words Bucky snapped, slamming the rest of the way into you and your head fell back and your body arched from the delicious pain of being stretched and filled so suddenly.
Turning your head, you whispered into Bucky’s ear.
“Fuck me, soldier.”
Bucky growled and sat up to grab your hips and angle you to his preferred position before setting up a brutal pace that had you moaning incoherently.
You could feel your orgasm building and you knew it wouldn’t be long. You tried to wiggle your hips to meet Bucky’s powerful thrusts but he growled and tightened his grip on your hips, hard enough to bruise and that knowledge is what pushed you towards the edge. The fact that he marks that he was putting on you would fade but the pleasant memory would stay. Gone were the whispers of your exes. All that remained was Bucky and the sheer ecstasy that he was giving you.
As Bucky’s metal hand dropped down to rub your clit, you came undone. Screaming his name, you swore that your soul left your body your orgasm was so powerful. As your body shuddered with aftershocks, Bucky found his own release, practically roaring as he emptied himself inside of you.
As Bucky collapsed beside you, you cuddled up next to him as his hand started to lazily trace circles on your back.
“Mhmmm” you moaned as you pressed your head against his chest, listening to the pounding of his heart. “That was amazing.”
“Was it ever.” Bucky agreed as he started to loosen your bindings. “But round two will be even better.”
“We can’t do round two!” You squeaked, “Not yet!”
“Why not?” he asked, as he released your wrists, gently kissing the slight rope burn that adorned your wrists. “Are you too sore?”
“No.” you replied, “But we are in enemy territory and there’s no way that they didn’t hear us!”
“Oh that.” Bucky chuckled. “if anyone heard us it was the team… about oh, three miles away at the compound.“
Bucky pointed to the north and you swatted his chest.
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” you snapped, glaring at him.
“Because you already ran away once.” He replied, “I wasn’t about to let you go running away on me again.”
“Trust me, I am never running again.” You promised him, pressing a kiss to his lips.
“Well unless I want you to catch me and tie me up again.” You teased with a naughty grin.
“Oh woman.” Bucky moaned as he flipped you over onto your stomach, before he fisted your hair and pulled your head back, nipping at your neck. “That can be arranged.”
*****