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Recently, a tape from one of Minseok's previous failed auditions resurfaced and spread on social media like wildfire.
The intentions weren't malicious, of course - the comments under the reposted videos were filled with fans who have been eagerly waiting for some new content from their idols. If asked, he would say that he's not bothered by it in any way, that he's proud of chasing his dream and the path that led him to debuting as Xiumin. It wouldn't be a lie, but seeing the video pop up on his Twitter timeline again, makes a weird feeling settle in his gut for a completely different reason.
Minseok's sat against the wall in EXO's practice room, fiddling with the phone he shouldn't be using and thinking about all the posts he shouldn't be looking at. It's late, but time is arbitrary in this profession, as they have all learned long ago, and the room is still filled with the beats that have grown to be more familiar to him than the rhythm of his own heart. They're accompanied by the sound of Jongin's heavy breathing and his shoes squeaking against the floor, perfectly timed with their song.
He's been at it for hours already, each move grinded to perfection weeks or even months ago, yet he still berates himself for every slightest misstep like his audience is a full stadium with tens of thousands of eyes on him, rather than just one of his bandmates who barely paid attention in the first place. Minseok stopped after a few tries, he's been running out of breath more quickly these days.
With the vicious competitiveness of the trainee system and adrenaline of their debut days gone, Minseok finds it more difficult to push his body past its limits and muster up the energy that his bandmates seem to still be bursting with.
(-the boy in the video is a few years younger than him, yet he feels ages away from Xiumin he will become. fresh-faced and shapeless, bravely throwing a piece of himself into the cruel world of entertainment.
he feels the song he’s singing with his entire body, the melody guiding his hands through unthinking improvised gestures. alone with the music, he’s giving out a performance that he hopes will be heard.
i want to be a singer , he says)
Minseok excuses himself out of the room, bidding his goodbye to Jongin, who barely gives him an absent-minded hum in response as his eyes stay glued to his own form in the mirror.
There’s more to being a singer than how you sound, he knew that, and even in his most glamorous fantasies of stardom his dream idol persona would go through incredible hardships just to shine, as the necessary shadow to the bright lights of the stage. He worked hard and tirelessly under the assumption that after the debut the good will always outweigh the bad.
However, it’s hard to remember the promises his younger self made to Xiumin, as he feels the heaviness of his limbs slow down his exit from the building. The muted light shining in a room on one of the upper floors is glaring down on Minseok as he averts his eyes and tries not to think about the person inside.
He feels it on his back as he walks away.