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"So, Hunter and Bobbi?"
Coulson looks up from the report he's been reading at Skye sitting across from him working on her laptop. Or at least she was working on her laptop. "Yes, what about them?"
Skye rolls her eyes. "You know what. And, for the record, I'm not sitting in the backseat of the SUV, like, ever again."
Coulson grimaces. "Thanks for that, Skye. And I'll talk to them about confining their, um, activities to less common areas."
"So, what do you think's going on with them? I mean, anyone with a brain knew Hunter still carried a torch for Bobbi. I've never seen such a huge case of the lady protesting too much. But her, do you think she cares for him? Or is he just convenient?"
"I don't know. To be honest, I try to spend as little time as possible thinking about Hunter's sex life. And as long as it doesn't get in the way of them doing their jobs..." He shrugs and goes back to studying the report on his desk, wondering what's brought on this line of questioning.
"So is that how it works? It's fine until it interferes with the job? Because that kind of sucks."
Coulson sets the report down since apparently Skye's not ready to drop this. Instead, she looks like she's gearing up for an argument. He sighs, exasperated.
"What do you want me to say? You know our line of work requires certain choices, certain sacrifices." He could write the book to end all books about the costs. And, maybe it's his age, but he's learned to accept that price. But Skye's young; she still has most of her life to look forward to. Maybe at her age he had a different perspective. He wishes he could remember what it was like to look forward, to see his life in front of him. If life is a tapestry, there's not that much left on the loom.
"Thanks for the patronizing line of crap; you know I understand that."
"So what's brought this on? And why the combative attitude?"
"I'm sorry. It's not your fault. I guess I'm a little jealous. Of Hunter and Bobbi. And a little pissed that that appears to be as good as it gets. Of course, you'd think I'd have learned a long time ago to stop wanting things. Turns out, not so easy." She looks chagrined.
He's aware that Skye's life has been filled with disappointment, but he can't be the one to change that.
"You never stop wanting, Skye. You just learn to focus on other things."
"So, what? I need to learn to compartmentalize better? Learn to divide myself up into little pieces and pull out the right piece at the right time, and keep the rest locked away. And learn to take anything I want and shove it in a box and bury it somewhere. Well, you know what? That sucks, too."
Coulson sighs and wonders if he's always been a coward or if it's a recent development. Since his death maybe? No, he's pretty sure he's been a coward long before that. Audrey deserved better than fragments of person, and Skye sure as hell does. But it's too late for him to change, and he can't (won't) ask Skye settle for him. Sometimes he wishes he were a little less self-aware (and a lot less Skye-aware), so he didn't see what had been happening since they met. So far he's gotten by -- pretending not to see the way she looks at him, why she hangs about, propping him up. It doesn't help that he looks at her the same way or that her being around is the best part of his day. Buy if he's being honest with himself, he wishes she'd be more realistic instead of placing that onus and forcing him to be one more disappointment.
"So, don't, Skye. If you don't want to live that way, push for more." She looks at him so hopefully, but he's not about to let her settle for the tiny sliver of the world he has. "There's got to be someone around here who's caught your eye? Maybe one of the newer agents or someone Mack or Simmons works with? Why not try?"
He knows he's being willfully obtuse, but it's for the best. What she wants -- what he knows she wants -- wouldn't make her happy, would only be a temporary salve and result in greater disappointment in the long run. Skye deserves someone who still sees the future as a blank page, not someone whose story, but for the end, has already been written.
Her face goes still, and she dips her head for a moment. When she brings it back up, she has a horrible bright, hard smile across her lips which makes her look older than she is.
"You're probably right. I need to open my eyes and look harder. Thanks for the advice."
She closes her laptop and walks through the door without looking back. And he lets her go without a word because he's a coward and a hypocrite.
**************
Three weeks go by. Skye and Coulson work together, and it's fine. No one but he could tell a difference in their interactions, and he's glad.
And it's good to see that she's taken his advice, asked out one of Simmons' lab workers, and, according to Simmons it's going quite swimmingly. By all accounts, he's a nice, intelligent (good-looking) man who's hilarious and only a few years older than Skye, nothing that anyone will look askance at. Coulson thinks Simmons said his name is Tom. He fucking hates Tom. No, if he's honest, he fucking hates himself.
***************
Coulson sees Skye through the doorway in the lounge, sitting across one of the tables from Tom. She's laughing at something he's said, when she looks up and sese Coulson. She smiles; it's the same bright, hard smile he saw on her face before. He can feel a band across his chest tighten, making it hard to breath and it hurts (God, it hurts) but he forces a smile of his own before continuing on his way.
***************
He's made countless bad decisions in his life. Because of him and his bad decisions, he's placed her on a path which makes a normal life all but impossible. But what's done is done and can't be undone. What he can do now is ensure his foolishness doesn't hurt her further -- limit her future further. He may be a coward and a hypocrite, but he's not selfish.
***************
Later that week, he and May are finishing up their latest meeting, evaluating the best locations to house the growing S.H.I.E.L.D. teams. It's late, and he's tired. He's tired a lot lately and is ready to wrap this up.
"I think that'll about do it for the night. Anything else, May?" he says, rubbing his eyes.
"Yeah, Phil, actually there is something." She comes around to lean against his desk, staring down at him.
He looks at her, raising his eyebrows, waiting. As usual, she looks inscrutable.
"I see what you're doing."
He shakes his head, confused. "And what am I doing?"
"I can see what you're doing, but I can't figure out why."
Coulson figures bluffing her out is the best way to go. "I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Skye."
Coulson narrows his eyes, giving a brief shake of his head again. "Yes, what about her?"
May looks away. "Her life's been on hold for too long. It's good to see her moving forward, isn't it? What's his name? Thomas? Tom?"
Coulson leans back in his chair, schooling his face into a smile. "Tom." May smiles back and nods. "Yeah, she seems to be having fun. That's good. Really good. She deserves something good."
"Yeah, she does. I sure do hope this works out for her," she says, glancing down at him.
"Well, don't marry her off quite yet. They only just started seeing each other. They haven't been on more than a few dates, have they?" Coulson fails miserably at casual disinterest.
"Phil, what are you doing?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," he says, taking his turn to look away.
"C'mon. I've known you too long. I've seen the way you look at her, the way she looks at you. At first, I put it down as some kind of surrogate father/daughter thing. But Skye's not the daughter you never had and you're not the father she didn't, are you?" She gives him a sad glance.
"Listen, May, Skye is a very special girl, and she's very important to me but--"
"But, nothing, Phil. She's not a girl -- she's a grown woman. And to say she's important -- that's an understatement. Listen, I don't like these kinds of conversations. For one, we're too old to be having them. But don't do this. How many more chances do you think you're going to get? Why are you wasting the ones you have?"
Coulson shakes his head, looking down at his hands. "I can't do that to her. She deserves something normal."
"Do what? Give her what she wants, for once? Yeah, that would be terrible for Skye." May lets out a breath. "You listen to me: Skye's not normal. And I know Skye well enough to know that normal isn't a priority to her. You know what is, though? You. I know you can be an idiot, but don't be a fool."
May squeezes his shoulder gently and walks to the door. Coulson stares out into space, shoulders slumped.
****************
He's still sitting there half an hour later, trying not to think, when Skye walks in. She stops in front of his desk and gives him a curious look.
"May came by and said you needed to see me. She said it was urgent -- what's up?"
Obviously, May's been spending too much time with Hunter as she's becoming a meddler although he's sure May wouldn't appreciate the comparison. Skye's beautiful, as usual -- hair pulled back in a ponytail, strands loose around her face and makeup smudged from a day's wear.
He wipes his hand over his face and mutters, "She shouldn't have done that."
Skye narrows her eyes and touches his arm, "What going on? Are you okay? Talk to me, Coulson."
He looks up at her, trying to sort his thoughts. "How're you?"
Her face gets more concerned. "I was fine, but now you're kind of starting to freak me out."
"How're things going with Tom?"
"Okay." She draws her gaze away from him, wrapping her arms around herself and looking out of the window across the room. "He's nice." She chews on her bottom lip and shrugs. "I think he likes me."
Coulson's sure he does: How could he not? She's perfect.
He reaches a hand up to touch her arm but stops. "Am I too late?"
"Too late for what, sir?"
He winces, hand still hanging in the air.
"Phil, could you call me Phil?"
"Sure, Phil," she says slowly, looking back at him like she's pretty sure his last marbles have gone rolling away somewhere.
She's not going to make this easy. Well, he doesn't much deserve easy at this point, does he? He drops his hand to his desk, finding a spot on the wood that's suddenly very interesting. Skye reaches out, placing her hand on top of his, rubbing her thumb across his knuckles. He was wrong, as usual; she is going to make this easy for him.
"Phil, what're you trying to tell me?" she asks in a low voice.
Coulson swallows. "You know how you were talking about compartmentalization a few weeks ago?"
Skye nods.
"Do you think you could help me unlearn it? I'm not sure I know how."
"Why?"
"I had convinced myself that it was better for you if I kept my distance, if I didn't act on how I felt. Because I can't do this and not have it affect how I do my job. It already has." When he turned the world upside-down trying to find a way to save her life. When he went in to get her away from Ward. When he went into that temple after her. Yes, it gets in the way of him doing his job all the time. "That scares me, and I've realized I'm a coward."
"So what changed your mind?"
"You. And May pointed out I was being a fool."
She grins and wrinkles her nose. "Yeah, May's good at that."
He picks up her hand and brings it to his face. Although he in no way deserves it, Skye rubs her thumb over his cheek, finally resting it against the corner of his mouth. "You know this is going to be mess, don't you? It's not going to fit in some nice, neat box?"
"I live outside the box," he replies, voice husky.
She laughs softly and rolls her eyes. "Yeah, we both know that's a big lie."
"Will you help me make it true?"
Skye leans forward and tugs on his tie, pulling him towards her. "Yeah, I guess I will. Now shut up and kiss me, my fool."
He does.