Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

    “I'm sorry.”

    Wilhelm held on to Simon like this would be the last time he would be allowed this. He memorized the feel of Simon’s body, his warmth, his smells, the way his hands felt on him, even the way his chest would rise and fall with every breath. He engraved all this in his mind because God only knows when he’ll be this close to his boy again. 

   It can be said that Simon did the same. He knew just how big this was. An entire legacy resided on Wilhelm’s shoulders. A burden he would carry alone for the time being. 

 “I love you” 

   Wilhelm could physically feel Simon’s breath catch. He doesn’t regret saying it out loud. He means it with his entire being; mind, body, and soul, he loves Simon Eriksson. 

“I hope you have a nice Christmas” 

   It took everything in Simon to not say it back. He knew it would only make things harder for the both of them. Even so, he knows he will hear Wilhelm's voice over and over again whispering those three words in his dreams, and his days. 

   Wilhelm knows Simon took it as a declaration, in a way it is, but to him, it's a promise. A promise to both of them. He’s aware that the weeks, maybe even months ahead of them, will not be easy nor kind. But he knows he will come back to his person, one way or another. He has to. 

   With one last hug, both of them let go and Simon watches Wilhem’s retreating back. He misses him but knows this is the only logical thing to do. Their last hug was a moment stolen from time and space. 

   With his chin held up high and his indifferent attitude no one would guess that inside their prince hurts and yearns to be held. Preferably by a certain curly-haired boy. 

***

   Wilhelm had anything but a nice Christmas; Not that he was expecting one anyway. 
The first few days passed by excruciatingly slowly. Day and night began to mix together. He wondered if this is how those princesses in fairytales felt trapped in their towers. He hugs himself and imagines Simon's arms around him every night before he sleeps. He holds on tight to his memories. The ghost of Simon’s presence lingers on him. He turns and foolishly wishes it was Simon's face he sees first in the morning and not the dull palace walls of his room. 

   Either way, it didn't last long before his mom dragged him out of his room. He guesses she deems 1 week enough time to sulk in his room. He can’t tell if he’s grateful for it or not. Before he knew it his own solitude became his safe space. 

   Soon after breakfast, he decides he would’ve been better off wallowing in his own self-pity. 

“Wilhelm,” his mom says, the tone in her voice indicates that whatever she’s about to say will not be up for negotiation. 

 “Yes, mom?” Wilhems has to swallow whatever panic is rising in him. It’s too early for her to be demanding anything from him. Her eyes shift down his shaking leg and he immediately stops. 

   His dad intervenes before his wife can say anything, “Kristina not now please, let him have some time to himself first” 

   She turns to her husband before continuing, “A week is enough time dear. It’s time to get things back in check” 

   Wilhelms looks between the two of them bracing himself to whatever his mom could possibly mean. 

   “Wilhelm dear, the royal address only did so much to control this mess. We need to reassure the public that you were not involved in this entire thing.” Wilhelm couldn’t help but wince at her choice of words. A ‘mess’? Since when was his own private love life a mess that needed to be controlled? 

    She reaches out to hold his hand but is a second too late before he pulls it back into his lap. He can see the reddening around his fingers, he thought that would’ve faded by now. 

   “Listen I know this is not easy on you, but it isn't any easier on us. We have a reputation to uphold and it’s your duty now to maintain a proper image” 

   “I understand” He can’t bring himself to look her in the eyes, instead he keeps his eyes fixated on the table. 

   “Good. We’ve decided the best course of action would be for you to start thinking of possible young girls you could court. Of similar standing preferably” 

   At this he lifts his face locking eyes with her. Was it not enough to push away the boy he loved and abandon him? He can’t believe she would ask him to go to these lengths, but then again he can’t be that surprised. He should’ve seen it coming if anything. He can hear his father’s frustrated sigh. He was right, he needed more time to himself. 

“ I can’t -'' He couldn't even finish his thought before he was interrupted.

   “Yes you can, Wilhelm. You can and you will for the sake of this family. This is not up for discussion.” She pushes an Ipad across the table in front of him, “I’ve asked people to compile a list of possible young ladies you can choose from. Their profiles are thorough and accurate, the last step is entirely up to you” She clears her throat waiting for a response. 

   He tries to object once more but the look on her face is hard and merciless. There’s no backing out of this. He knows what she’s trying to do. More scheduled photography sessions and “candid” shots of him hand in hand with a pretty girl. The media would eat it right up and any lingering suspicions the public may have of him would disappear overnight. In short, it's perfect and he hates it. 

   He can’t bring himself to pick up the Ipad in front of him. He brings his hands together and looks down, unable to keep looking at his mom. “I can do as you say but I can't look through that, take the liberty to choose yourself please.”

   With that, he stands up and heads back into his room. He thinks he hears his mother calling for him, but he can’t be too sure, the ringing in his ears intensifies with every step he takes. He shuts the door to his room and feels like the ground can give out under him. He thinks of Simon and hates the thought of what he’ll believe. 

   He knows what it’ll look like. He’s going to hurt him and that itself is enough to make him want to scream. He opts to go back to his bed and instead hugs his pillow as if it could make it all go away. 
    He can’t tell how much time passes before he hears knocking at his door. Was it minutes? Hours? It doesn’t really matter to him. The door opens and shuts before he feels a weight on the foot is his bed.

 
 “Her name is Angelica Johansson. She’s your age and comes from good social standing. I think you and her can have some things in common, wouldn't you say? She’ll be starting at Hillerska this upcoming year right after your winter break is over. It’s convenient for both of you. You can show her around and court her during your time there. It'll seem more believable that way.” 

   After not receiving a reply from her son, she continues, “She and her family will be accompanying us during these upcoming festivities, please be prepared to start acting like a true prince Wilhelm. Don’t mess this up” She taps his leg twice before heading out the door. 
 
    Wilhelm has never wanted to disappear more than he does at that moment. He notices she left the Ipad with the girl’s profile on his bed. It feels like he has to muster up all his strength to stand up and pick up the device. He takes a deep breath before he begins reading. 
She’s pretty, anyone could tell you that. She’s a little shorter than him, fair skin with straight blonde hair. He can tell even through the screen there’s an elegance that radiates from her. He bets the two of them would look picture perfect standing next to each other. 

   He’s not the type to throw tantrums or be violent but there's a strong urge to throw the device in his hand across the room until the screen goes black. Instead, he sets it down on his side table and runs a hand across his face. 

   He misses Erik more than anything. He would know what to do or where to go from here. He could go as far as to say that his brother would have actually supported him and defended him from all this. But he can’t. He pushes the thought away before he spirals down even further.

   He counts to three and evens his breathing before following after his mom. After all, he’s guessing there will be some specifics that will be required from him as he starts to court the girl. He has four days to learn as much as he needs to know about this and keep himself from messing up. He hopes at least Simon had a better morning than he did.

***

Chapter Text

While Simon didn’t have to deal with being told to court people against his will over breakfast, his morning wasn’t exactly the best either.

“Christmas isn’t for another four days mom, do we really need to start cleaning the house this early?”

The second he heard the Spanish music accompanied by the sounds of pots clashing together and the smell of Fabuloso, he pulled his blanket over his face hoping it would buy him some time in bed.

It didn’t.

“Sí Simon, we do this every year. I can’t believe you still question it.”

She’s right. Every year as soon as the holidays near his mom has them all into cleaning overdrive. Not a single spot is left dirty, not even a speck of dust on their coffee table should be visible. It’s not like they'll be having Christmas dinner in his room but even that has to be immaculately clean. It’s an absolute pain in the ass but he has to admit it's worth it.

Sara tries to get out of it every time but to no avail. She and Simon get stuck cleaning the house inside out with the occasional singing and dancing, what can they say the songs are catchy. Old but catchy.

By the time they’re done the last thing to do is put up the Christmas tree. One would think that was the first thing they did but after the scandal, no one really paid these types of things any attention.

Rosh and Ayub helped out later that night and without missing a beat started to tease Simon over his handmade ornament. He must’ve been 6 or 7 when he made it. It was a small foam ornament with his picture in the middle. If you looked closely you could see the small ketchup stain on the collar of his uniform shirt. He’s surprised his mom kept it for all these years, it’s just a small arts and crafts project his teacher made him do. He’s sure Sara’s will come up soon.

By the time they’re done the Christmas tree sits pretty in the corner of their living room. The sudden heartache comes out of nowhere. If things were different it would be Wilhelm who would have decorated the tree with them. But that can’t happen and it probably never will, Simon has to come to terms with these things, but there’s still something akin to hope that lives inside him. Wilhelm’s ‘I love you’ plays like a broken record at the back of his mind.

Rosh and Ayub exchange knowing glances before embracing their friend in a hug “Come off it then, what should we have for dinner tonight?” Rosh says.

That’s Simon’s cue to push off whatever lingering thoughts of his prince he may have. “I just spent the entire day cleaning guys, let's just order something and call it a day, yeah?” He turns his head to look at his mom waiting to see any disapproval on her face but instead is met with a mother’s smile.

“Couldn't agree more mi amor, how does pizza sound?”

You don’t have to tell them twice. Ayub is reaching for his phone and Rosh is already listing off the toppings she wants. He feels a hand intertwine with him and instantly knows it's Sara. She lays her hand on his shoulder and Simon wonders if his sister can actually read his mind sometimes.

“Rosh you order pineapple on your pizza, that is the literal definition of a crime.” Of course, it would be Ayub judging Rosh.

“There’s nothing wrong with pineapple on pizza Ayub. Le da más sabor a la comida”

“Not you too Ms.Linda”

Simon can’t help but let out a small laugh. He looks around him and feels grateful to still have them by his side despite everything that's happened. They’re not treating him any differently or walking around eggshells when he’s around. Sara, his mom, Ayub, and Rosh are there one constant thing in his life. He’s just Simon when they’re around. He’s not the boy in the video who may or may not have been kissing the crown prince. He’s just Simon.

The pizza doesn’t get there for another 30 minutes and is gone in less than 15. What can he say, apparently putting up a Christmas tree left them hungrier than he thought. Shortly after Rosh and Ayub head home before it gets too dark. Sara disappears into her room and his mom is somewhere in the house probably talking to a relative back home. This leaves him alone with his own thoughts and for the first time in a while, that’s the last thing he wants.

He grabs his phone and opens Instagram. He doesn’t even need to type in anything in the search bar, it's the first name that comes up anyways: Wilhelm. He knows he shouldn’t but the logical part of his brain has shut off for the night. What type of heartbroken teenager would he be if he didn’t stalk his ex’s social media. The last post is of Wilhelm and his first day at Hillerska. Who knew this is how they would end up months later.

He lays down on his bed staring at his screen for longer than he should. He feels his heart start to twist but can’t bring himself to put down his phone. He doesn’t hear the knocks on his door or the tears that began to fall from his eyes. It’s his mom who gently takes the phone out of his hands before covering him in a hug. He feels like a little kid all over again. He didn’t do anything wrong so why is he having to go through this. Why them?

“Shh it's okay Simon, it’ll be okay” his mom whispers. He lets himself cry on her, there’s nothing else he can do. She runs his hand through his hair and soothes him long enough for him to be able to talk to her.

“I miss him, mom, I know I shouldn’t but I do. He said he loved me before he left. Who says that and then leaves?” He can tell if that makes him angry or not. Instead, he holds onto his mom tighter and she continues to rub circles on his back.

“Everything happens for a reason, Simon. I know it doesn’t look like it right now but I’m sure you will both be okay. You’re one of the strongest people I know and I’m sure he is as well. We’ll get through this together mijo” Her reassuring words can only do so much for him.

He wanted to say it back. That day in front of the school, he wanted to tell Wilhelm he loved him too, but couldn't bring himself to say it back. It would only hurt Wille more and that’s the last thing he wanted. But still, what about him? He might not be the crown prince but he’s still a boy with feelings and emotions just like anyone else. Anyone else would think he was stupid for breaking up with Wilhelm. How often does a person get to date a prince? But he never saw Wilhelm like that. He was someone he fell in love with. Someone he wanted to share the holidays with, post pictures together, walk hand-in-hand anytime they went outside, but he knew none of that would be possible. He would’ve become a secret. Someone who didn’t exist as Wilhelm’s lover. And frankly, that was the last thing he wanted to be: someone’s secret.

He keeps telling himself over and over again that it was for the best, but can’t convince himself. He has his family and friends comforting him and supporting him through this. Rosh was even about to fight this girl who kept staring at Simon and talking behind his back. But who does Wilhelm have? Who will fight for him? The thought of him going through all of this by himself without anyone there to hold him is enough to break Simon.

He would go to war for his prince. He’d fight tooth and nail for him, but he can’t do that when Wilhelm himself still needs to figure out what it is that he wants. Until then, Simon will continue to live on as he did before Wille. He lets himself be held by his mom until sleep finally starts to set in. That night he dreams of gold and a football field.

Chapter Text

    These next four days went by faster than Whilhelm would’ve liked. The palace holds holiday decorations here and there but the atmosphere is cold and lonely. No sign of warmth or love that one would usually have.

     Angelica and her family should be arriving any minute now. He tries to stay as still as possible, his mother already had to push his hand off his mouth more than twice. He’s basically been given an entire script of what he needs to say during dinner. No matter how many times he’s read over what he’s been told, he can’t shake off this feeling of guilt. This time tomorrow speculations of him and Angelica will start surfacing, and a day after that he will confirm whatever the media comes up with. 

    He’s snapped out of his thoughts by the sound of an approaching black car. They’re here. He can see the photographers get ready and position themselves to get the best angle possible for their pictures. He stands in between his parents trying to keep his calm facade. 

    “Smile Wilhelm” his mother whispers.

    He does or at least tries to. He hopes it's believable enough anyways. The door opens and out comes Mr. and Mrs. Johansson. He sees a second car approaching and knows exactly what he has to do. While his parents welcome the Johanssons’ Wilhelm makes his way towards the second car. Each step feels heavier than his last until he gets in front of the door. He hears the faint click sounds from the cameras. He opens the door and helps Angelica out. He bets this will be the picture going around in a few hours. He just hopes Simon isn’t anywhere near his phone when it happens. 

    “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you, Angelica” 

    “The pleasure is all mine Prince Wilhelm” He can see the blush starting to form on her face. 

    He smiles down at her, “Please call me Wilhelm, no need to be so formal” 

    “Alright Wilhelm,” he notices she has a beautiful smile, but it doesn't compare to his favorite. 

    They join their parents near the front and once again ignore the obvious sounds of cameras. They take one final picture all together before heading inside. The table is set and the food is brought out by their cook. He’s never dreaded dinner this badly. The food is delicious but it takes everything in him to keep it in his stomach. 

    Mr.Johansson attempts to add him to their conversation, “So Wilhelm tell us, how has your stay at Hillserka been so far?” 

    “It’s been better than I expected sir. I’m sure Angelica will enjoy her time there.” He can tell the older man wants to ask him about the video but thankfully he keeps it to himself.

    “I’m happy to hear,” Mrs.Johansson smiles, “See Angie there’s no need to be nervous, you’ll have Wilhelm right next to you” 

    “I’ll be more than happy to look out for her ma’am.” If only they knew he didn’t really mean that. He’d be happier pinning after a certain boy instead. He’s not heartless either, she’ll be a new student so he’ll take the liberty to introduce her to everything and be there if she has any questions or concerns but that’s about it. He doesn’t think he’ll have it in him to properly court her. 

The rest of the evening is spent having useless conversations to fill the time. He can see sunset outside the dining room windows, hues of yellow, orange, and purple mixing together. If he could, he would take a picture and send it to Simon. The thought itself draws a smile on his face, the most real thing he’s done in the entire day. 

    “Wilhelm dear, why don’t you show Angelica around the gardens? I’m sure she’ll love it” 

He was hoping his mother would have forgotten about that by now, but of course, she didn’t. He’s to take her around the palace gardens and give her a necklace. A token of courtship as his mother called it. Before he can come up with an excuse Angelica speaks up first, “I would love that!” 

‘I wouldn't’ Wilhelms thinks

But off to the garden they go. The silence becomes unbearable until Angelica decides to break it.

    “You know Wilhelm I was told that the crown prince was interested in courting me I couldn't believe it” 

He knew it. There was no avoiding this conversation; he was just really hoping that she’d catch up on the fact that he’s being told to do this with her, not that he’s actually interested.  

He can hear his mother’s words: ‘Just stick to what you’ve practiced Wilhelm. Don’t mess this up’ 

    She smiles at him before continuing, “I’m sure we’ll make a perfect match wouldn’t you say” 

   ‘Not really ’

    “I sure hope so Angelica” She intertwined his hand with his as they walked. 

    Click

     Nothing has ever felt so wrong to Wilhelm as it does right now. It's a foreign and uncomfortable feeling. It's not her hand he wishes to hold. 

    He stops in her for a minute. It's better if he gets this over with sooner rather than later. He begins to pull the rectangular box from his coat pocket and opens it, “Angelica I hope you don’t mind it but I got you a small Christmas present.” He can barely pull off a smile.

    Her eyes are basically shining as she looks down at the necklace, “Oh my god, you really didn’t have to” 

Trust me I had to 

    “It’s nothing too big I figured this would be perfect for the occasion” 

    “It’s perfect. Can you help me put it on?” He almost drops the thing when she’s already turning around and moving her hair out of the way. He takes a deep breath before putting his hand over her and puts on her necklace. 

Click  

   There’s really no going back after this and that thought itself shakes him to his core.

He feels the dinner from earlier rise back up but is frozen in place when he feels a pair of lips on his cheek. 

   “Thank you Wille, I love it” Wille

   “Just Wilhelm is okay, I’m glad you liked it though” 

    “Oh yes sorry, Thank you, Wilhelm. We should start heading inside before it gets any colder.” 

This is the part where the guy takes off his coat and offers it to the girl. He knows that much. Instead, he offers his hand to Angelica before guiding her back to the palace. 

    This is the coldest he’s felt all day and it's not because of the weather.

***

The house goes back to its quiet state after the Johanssons’ take their leave. 

He hears his dad’s footsteps heading towards him, “Is everything, okay son?” 

“Yes dad, everything’s okay. Did you enjoy dinner?”

“ I did. And you?”

“So did I” 

   This is as complex as their conversation is going to get for the time being. Awkward exchanges over what they thought of dinner. But at the end of the day, he prefers this to whatever his mom demands of him. With a small pat on his back, his dad leaves back to his study. 

“See dear, that wasn’t so hard now was it?” His mom on the other hand is overjoyed. Everything is according to plan, the pieces have begun to fall in her puzzle. Quite frankly he doesn’t have the energy to play along for the remainder of the night. 

   “Is that all for tonight?” He takes her silence as a yes. “I’ll be heading to sleep now. Have a good night mom.” He can’t remember the last time he spoke like this towards her. Probably the day she decided to send him to Hillerska. He was furious back then. 

    “Wilhelm please understand this is for your own good” he can hear her patience cutting thin, but so is his. 

   “Tell dad goodnight for me as well, thank you” 

    He makes his way to his room ready to curl up in his bed and leave this day behind. He doesn’t even bother to shower, just strips off his clothing and buries himself under his blankets. He reaches for his phone, ready to do this nightly routine. To be honest he doesn’t even know when it even became a part of his night but he heads over to Instagram and scrolls through Simon’s account. He’s uploaded a new picture and Wilhelms feels like this is his life's consolation prize.

    It’s Simon with his friends and family in front of their Christmas tree. He can basically feel the warmth radiating from the picture and it's enough to soothe him for the rest of the night. He looks like he's doing okay and that’s all that matters to him. That beautiful smile of his became his favorite from the moment he saw it. He runs his thumbs over the small screen, as if he wished hard enough he could reach through the screen and touch Simon. He lets himself feel happy just for tonight because he knows nothing can possibly prepare him for what’s going to happen in a few hours.  

    He lets himself have this one more time. As sleep takes over him, a small smile ghosts on his lips. Honey and a music room make their way into his dreams. 

Chapter Text

      And so it begins. He wakes up to more notifications than he can possibly count. He guesses the magazines have already started to run their stories. He doesn't even want to begin to think about it. It takes inhuman strength for him to get out of bed and get dressed for breakfast. 

     Before he can even take a bite of his food his mother places the magazine in front of him. 

     “Kristina not now, please. Let’s eat breakfast first” He has never agreed more with his dad than at this moment. Just looking at the thing is making him lose what little appetite he had.  

     His mom pointedly ignores her husband’s words, “Nonsense, things are finally starting to fall back into place, as they should. Look at how beautiful you two look here, Wilhelm” 

     Who knew his fake love life would be worthy of being on the front page. It makes his stomach recoil at the sight of him hand-in-hand with Angelica. He stays quite unable to speak a word. He’s afraid the eggs he just ate will come right back up. He can feel the weird pressure in the back of his jaw, a feeling he’s been a bit too familiar with these past few days. His mother turns to a different page...more pictures. This time it's the one where he is placing the necklace around her neck. He hates it, then immediately feels guilty. He knows it's not Angelica’s fault, but that doesn’t take away the dislike he has of this entire situation with them. 

     “The pictures came out beautifully, I agree. But can we just have breakfast together without having to talk about these things first thing in the morning? Please mom” He pleads with his mom hoping that for once she’d actually listen to him. She must be pretty satisfied by the article that she grants him his wish this one time.

“When do you return to Hillerska Wilhelm?” his dad asks, clearly helping to shift the subject. He’s thankful for that.

“Right after the New Year, by the third, I should be back by the third.”

“Why so soon dear? Classes don’t start until the 6th” his mom asks. She probably knows why or maybe she doesn’t want to know. Not really. 

I want to see him again. “I’d like to get a head start on my studies. It’s time I take things more seriously as you say”

“I’m happy to hear that” 

     They finish their remaining breakfast in silence after that. As he stands up to leave she stops him for a moment, “Don’t deny or confirm anything just yet Wilhelm. We will give a proper address to Camila”

     The name rings a bell.“The reporter?”

     “Yes, she will have exclusive rights to this story. But that won’t happen until tomorrow” 

     Of course, some random person will have exclusive rights to a bunch of lies. He doesn’t see why they should even go to such lengths. The rumors themselves would be more than enough to restore their image. But what say does he have in this anyways?

     “Merry Christmas mom, Merry Christmas dad” something flashes across their face and disappears just as fast, he doesn’t wait for them to say it back. 

     He heads back to his room and shuts off his phone. It’s not like there’s anyone he talks to anyways. He thinks he’ll go crazy if he stays inside these walls any longer. If he’s right, then Malin should be waiting for him downstairs ready to accompany him. He puts on his coat and wraps a scarf around himself. He looks like an average teenage boy, yet he’s anything but that. 

     “Thank you for coming with me, Malin. No plans for Christmas day?” He was genuinely surprised Malin was available today. Maybe she wasn’t but it's just under work contract to follow him anywhere at any time. He hopes it's not the latter. 

     “My family and I do all our celebrating on Christmas eve. Christmas day is more of a recovery day after all the drinking” He’s glad he didn’t come in between any of her plans then. 

     “Say, Malin, what are some places you recommend I go. I doubt many places are open today.” He didn’t even have a plan or an idea as to where he wanted to go, anywhere but the palace is perfect for him. 

“Hmm there’s a plaza only 20 minutes away, a fair number of stores should be open there at the moment. I think you’ll like it, it’s not too crowded either.” 

The plaza it is. 

“That sounds perfect Malin, thank you.” 

     Turns out she was right, it was a fairly secluded little place, with little to no people at this time of day. He walked past a magazine stand and almost ran the other way. Almost. The fresh air and change of scenery were too good for him to leave. It was a small plaza consisting mainly of small and local shops. The ladies call him “hon”, “love”, “darling” and he finds it oddly endearing and comforting. They even called Malin “pretty lady”, which she was clearly flattered from. He enters one of the bookshops and browses through the different isles. Somehow he ends up in front of the music section and a certain “How to Read Music” book catches his eye. He picks it up without hesitation and continues walking. He doesn't think about it and just holds it. He continues to walk down different sections before picking up a book that looks like it could be an interesting read. He asks Malin if she’d like to pick out anything before heading over to the register. 

     “Will this be everything for today hon?” the lady at the checkout asks. 

     “Yes this will be it, thank you” He takes the bag and heads out the door but gets distracted by a sweet smell.  Hot chocolate. It has to be. He turns to Milan, and both exchange knowing looks. Soon after they’re holding a cup of hot chocolate each. 

     “Thank you for the drink Prince Wilhelm” 

     “C’mon Malin I’ve told you already you can just call me Wilhelm. After everything that’s happened I think it's okay to drop the formalities, wouldn't you say?” He knows he’s not wrong. She’s basically seen how in love he is with Simon. He’s sure she knows that was him in the video. She even accompanied him when he went to make out with Simon and when he was being broken up with. That should be more than enough to give her the right to just call him by his first name. 

     “But-”

     “But nothing Malin, you’re the closest thing I have to a friend nowadays.” He doesn't mean to make it sound so depressing but that’s just how it comes out. He internally cringes at it. “I don’t mean it in a bad way, it’s just that you’re the only person who is still here even after this entire shit show just happened, so thank you for that” He didn’t think he’d feel shy saying that out loud but he can feel the tip of his ear reddened. He’s relieved to see Malin smile at him. 

     “You’re friends with a 36-year-old Wilhelm, you know that right?” She chuckles at that. 

     “Better a 36-year-old friend than no friend at all” 

     “Couldn’t agree more.” 

     He finds himself meaning all of what he’s said. He never expected Malin to become a friend. He’s pretty sure that goes against some clause in her contract but under these circumstances, he thinks she just probably doesn't care anymore. Or maybe she’s taking a certain pity towards him. He wouldn't mind. They make one last stop at one of the stalls on the corner of the street. A certain number of scarves catch his attention. He picks out two matching dark green scarfs. Once more he completely ignores the fact that he’s buying two of the same ones. There’s no reason behind it. Two is just a good number of scarves. He also ignores the white gift box he buys along with the tissue paper and the Christmas present bow. 

     “You should get the one with the candy cane pattern” Malin suggests over his shoulder 

     “You don’t think it would be too tacky?”

     “No it’ll look cute” He trusts her judgment on this one. 

     He’s pretty sure she’s picked up on what he’s doing but decides to ignore it as well. He thinks of it as compulsive buying, and nothing more. With that done they head to the car and make their way back to the palace. 

     “Thanks again Malin, I had a nice time” He really did, he knows that the rumor has already spread about him and Angelica but just for a few hours he was able to escape that. He was a normal teenager shopping. It was also the first time he was able to actually catch his breath since he got there. 

     “I’m glad it helped, you looked ready to run away the second I saw you head down the stairs” 

     He’s sure he did. He takes in a deep breath before heading back into the cold palace. 

     He sits on his bed and begins to take out the stuff he’s bought. He opens the box and places the tissue paper on the inside before putting the music book inside. Once he’s arranged it in a way that he’s satisfied he takes one of the two scarves he bought, folds it, and places it on top of the book. He decides to add a bit more tissue paper before closing the lid and tying the bow. Once he’s done he carefully places the gift under the bed. 

     He picks up his phone and turns it back on and is instantly met with more notifications than he can count. Just yesterday he phone was as empty as it could be. He thought it was just people asking him to confirm the rumors between Angelica and him but that’s not entirely the case. 

‘Milton_H and others have liked your post’ 

     What post? The last thing he’s ever bothered to post was a picture of his first day at Hillerska and even that wasn’t him. It was some person in charge of his account. He taps on his profile and sees a picture of himself and angelica then another one with both families smiling. 

     “Merry Christmas from ours to yours” reads the caption. 

What the fuck?! 

     Before he can even say anything his mother enters the room. Talk about perfect timing. He looks down at his phone before looking up at her once more anger and confusion written across his face. She notices it, he knows she does.

“Oh, I’m glad you’re caught up then. I was going to tell you this morning but it looked like you weren’t too keen on talking more about the subject.” 

“Since when did we ever agree to this?” He tries to keep his voice calm and even.

“Well Wilhelm, you will be giving a proper address from the palace tomorrow, this should be nothing” How can she say such things so nonchalantly? 

“I would have liked to know about this.” He would’ve deleted the entire account himself if he knew this was ever going to be posted.

“Don’t overthink it dear. You should get ready, you'll be joining Camila in a mock interview to prepare for tomorrow” Without another word she turns around and shuts the door.

He hasn’t even been more for an hour…

     He goes back to his bed and opens his phone once more. His finger hovers over the delete post option but decides against it. What can he do now? This many people saw it already anyway. He goes to Simon’s profile and looks back at last night’s picture, except there’s a new post now. A picture of the sunrise from the football field captioned “I hope you had a nice Christmas.” His breath catches on his throat and it feels like a string is pulling at his heart. He’s had to have seen everything by now. 

It’s not true Simon. 

    He keeps repeating the same sentence over and over again while staring at the pictures until it's time for him to head over to Camila. The entire mock interview is a disaster, he can barely speak without tripping over his words. It’s earned him more hard stares from his mom than he would’ve liked. After 3 hours they call it a day. He skips lunch and dinner not being able to stomach anything after the day’s events. He skips the goodnights and just heads straight to shower.

     Once he returns to his room he’s hit by the smell of hot chocolate once more and a warm bacon,cheddar, and egg sandwich. The note next to it read: “ It’s not good to go to bed on an empty stomach. This better be empty by the time I come pick it up Wilhelm - Malin” 

     He admits he’d hate for it to go to waste, and so he picks up the book he bought earlier and eats his small dinner before Malin comes back. The hot chocolate warms him up just enough. He wondered when she picked up on the fact that it was his comfort drink. He doubts he’s ever mentioned it. Turns out he was pretty hungry after all. He writes a small thank you under Malin’s notes before heading to bed. 

           ﹡﹡﹡

      He woke up to his phone alarm the next morning. A lot earlier than usual in order to have time to let the stylists put the image of a prince on him. He doubts he can even call last night’s actions any type of sleep. He couldn’t stop tossing and turning the entire night. 

     Soon after he wakes up he’s taken to a different room. Different people start working on him. Two ladies start on his hair while a man begins on his makeup. He feels himself being pulled in countless directions and he can’t even say anything about it. He recognizes this team as the same one that got him ready the last two times he had to do this - His leave for Hillerska and denying the video. 

After what feels like forever, he's finally in front of Camila again. This time the room holds the lights and the cameras with him in the middle of it all. He brings his hands up to his mouth before he stops himself. He went over this for 3 hours yesterday so he should be fine. Except that he isn’t. He is far from fine. He sees one of the cameramen talk but his voice sounds muffled. Everything sounds muffled to him 

“3,2,1 Go!”

“Good morning Prince Wilhelm” Camila starts off with a bright smile. 

“Good morning Camila” 

     And so it starts. All hell breaks loose. 

     “Yes, the rumors are true. I have decided to court Lady Angelica Johansson...” Words have never felt so bitter on his tongue. The interview continues for longer and questions and responses are exchanged. Wilhelm remembers nothing. Or maybe he does. It all becomes a blur to him. The heat from the lights around him makes everything more unbearable than it already is. The only reason he’s answering with such a calm demeanor is because these things have been ingrained into his brain since yesterday. 

    Suddenly the lights shut down and the red light on the camera turns off. 

     “Thank you for the Interview, Prince Wilhelm. I hope nothing but happiness for you and lady Angelica.” 

     “Thank you, Camila.” He shakes her hand before walking out the door. He doesn’t know how to feel. What to feel. He thinks his mother says something on his way out, but he keeps walking. One foot in front of the other. He starts to rub his hand across his chest trying to get himself to start breathing again. 

It’s over now. It’s over.

     He opens the door to his room and is instantly met with his reflection. He remembers asking to get that changed. It’s a fairly big full-size mirror. He remembers asking to have that moved someplace else. 

     He thinks he hears the clacking of heels. Everything sounds like he’s underwater. 

     He hates the reflection in the mirror. He takes notice of the crown on his head and wonders when that was even placed there, to begin with. He must’ve been too nervous to notice it. He doesn’t recognize the boy in the mirror and he thinks the clacking of heels is getting closer. He throws off his coat and it lands somewhere on the floor. With frantic and shaking hands he loosens the knot of his tie.

What is so different from saying he's courting a girl to saying he’s in love with a guy. What’s the difference? Why can’t he say he’s courting a guy? A wonderful guy. Why can’t he say that instead of what he’s just told, Camila?

I hope you have a nice Christmas.

     He feels something start to build up. Something ugly. Something he’s been pushing down for a while. He reaches to touch the crown needing to confirm that it’s actually there and that the guy in the reflection is him. He hates him. Whoever that person is looking back at him, he despises him. The clacking has come to a stop. 

     He reaches with one hand to grab the crown that sits on top of his head and throws it against the mirror. Pieces of glass fall on the floor and he thinks he hears a scream coming from behind him. He walks closer to the cracked mirror and sees red eyes spilling tears looking back at him. 

     The clacking of the heels belonged to his mom apparently. He sees her on the reflection standing there. 

“Wilhelm” something in her voice makes him angrier. She reaches out for him but immediately stops when she meets his eyes. 

“Let’s not be late for dinner mom. I’m sure the Johansson’s will be here soon. I suspect the photographers are ready as well”  

     He turns his back to the stranger in the mirror and walks out of the room. He knows this numbness will only be temporary. In a few hours, he’ll realize everything and it’ll be a thousand times worse. 

﹡﹡﹡

     After dinner and a few photos, the Johansson’s part ways with them. His mom still tries to talk to him about what she saw earlier but he leaves before she can get anything out of him. 

     He returns to his room and finds the shattered glass is no longer there and neither is the mirror. He’ll thank whoever cleaned up after him later. Right now he just sinks to the floor at the foot of his bed and hugs himself. He imagines it's Simon who’s holding him. 

     He was right. It did hit a thousand times worse. He’s silently crying when Malin comes into his room. She doesn’t say anything and sits down on the floor next to him and holds him. He doesn’t let go of her until the crying has drained him out. He’s dozing off when Malin finally convinces him to go to sleep. 

She leaves with one last hug and a goodnight. Once he’s changed to go to sleep he reaches under his bed for the box he placed there earlier and takes out the scarf. Not once does he let go of it throughout the night. 

Chapter Text

     The little crying session Simon had with his mom last night apparently must’ve bought him some sleep-in time. He read the clock: 11:45, almost noon, and on Christmas eve of all days. He could smell the tamales cooking. It’s their Christmas tradition; on Christmas eve his mom has all of them wake up extra early to prepare the flour and clean the corn husks. That’s usually his and Sara’s job while their mom cooks the meat and prepares the side dishes. They spend a good chunk of their day just doing that. He takes a deep breath before throwing off his blanket and gets ready for the day. 

     As soon as he’s out of his room he hears his mom, “Simon, ayuda a Sara con la masa por favor.” 

     “Ya voy” 

    He finds Sara with flour in her hair, clothes, and up to her forearms...looks about right. The entire process can get a bit messy. 

     “About time sleeping beauty” Good to know she still has a sense of humor then.  He rolls his eyes as he heads to the sink to wash his hands.

     “You could’ve just woken me up, you know?” 

     “I was about to but mom told me to let you sleep in for a bit,” she turns her head to her shoulder and continues, “so how did you bribe her?”

The question itself comes across as a light-hearted joke but he catches on the worried tone. Hidden but there. 

     “I didn’t, I’m just the favorite child,” he says with a laugh and a smug smile on his face.  Now it’s Sara who rolls her eyes. He takes the liberty to splash some of the water on his fingertips towards her. 

     She backs away a little too late, “You’re such a kid” 

     “The favorite kid” He finishes drying his hand on one of the kitchen towels hanging from her shoulder and then pushes her out the way his hip. 

      “Ha Ha.” She gives him a pointer look before lowering her voice, “Simon”

     He knows this tone, it's her I-care-about-you voice.

     “Yes?”, he has an idea of what she’ll ask already 

     “How are you feeling today?” Yup, he saw it coming. How is he feeling today? He didn’t stop to think about that. He doesn’t think he even wants to stop and process his emotions. Last night was more than enough for him to reset and get through his day. If he were to be honest with himself he’d admit that he wasn’t okay, albeit it’s not the worse he’s felt. His dad has definitely made him feel worse than Wille ever can. He feels like any other heartbroken teenage boy would feel like, then sprinkle in the fact that his sex life has been circling the internet for the past few days. All in all, he could really be in a worse place mentally and emotionally but thanks to his family he’s managing. 

     “I’ll feel better soon Sara, I know it” he says with a sad smile. This is the most honesty he can voice. Not blatantly spilling his heart out but honest enough. She can sense something else, her face says it all but settles for his word before she heads to the sink to clean up. He’s glad because it's impossibly difficult to get her to back down sometimes. 

     “I heard you crying last night”, he forgets how brutally honest she is sometimes, this is most definitely one of the few times he minds it. 

     “It helped a lot more than I thought it would.” he finds himself really meaning it.

     “Good.” Now it’s her who flick some of the water left on her fingertips towards him. Back to normal now then. 

     “Alright then enough of sad talk, hurry up and wipe down the corn husks” They spend the rest of the morning in each other’s company not saying much. A mutual understanding that didn’t have to be voiced out loud. 

     A little while later their mom walks in to check up on the meat cooking. She gives each of them a kiss on their cheek, “Todo bien?” 

     “Todo bien mamá” 

     “Good because the next few hours will be a bit busy” He knows she didn’t ask because they were going to be busy, she was genuinely asking but this was her way of making it less serious and more mom-like. But either way, she was right, the next few hours were a bit hectic. They don’t invite many people over, it's usually just them plus Rosh and Ayub with their family, nothing too big but it’s the way she used to celebrate and they just kept it that way for all these years.

     Once they finished cooking it was time to get ready. This is usually the time frame where Simon would rather sleep for the rest of the day but decides not to. It's common to celebrate Christmas on the 25th but in his family, most of the celebrating happens on the 24th and they stay up to wish each other a happy Christmas once the clock strikes midnight. It’s just the way his mom prefers. 

     He finished getting ready by the time he heard the doorbell ring. Rosh and Ayub were just as dressed up with their families waiting at the door. The minute they stepped into the house they could smell the delicious food and wasted no time in getting seated for dinner. The house itself didn’t hold many decorations, but the Christmas spirit could be felt in the air. The chatter and laughter of the families were enough to make the house seem alive, and for the first time in a while, Simon felt like everything was okay. Maybe it was the temporary happiness or distraction but he was going to let himself have this for the rest of the night. 

     “The food came out great Linda,” Ayub’s mom compliments, Simin turns to see his mom smiling from ear to ear. Nothing makes her happier than people complimenting her cooking apparently. 

     “Thank you, help yourself as much as you’d like” Ayub’s mom is right though, the food is delicious as always. Sara even set some apart to “give some to Felice”. He completely missed when they got so close. Soon after dinner, dessert came. Rosh and her family brought over a cake big enough for all of them. Looks like her sweet tooth runs in her family. The rest of the night was spent just like that, eating and talking about anything and everything. Not a single word was mentioned of what had happened in the past few days. Rosh and Ayub’s family didn’t treat him or speak to him any differently, which made it all the much easier to forget everything. 

     Finally, the clock strikes midnight and the hugs start going around. He finds it nice that Rosh’s and Ayub’s families don’t mind celebrating his mom’s way. He goes to hug her first, “Feliz Navidad” She hugs him just as tight as she did last night, it was bone-crushing but he didn’t mind. 

      “Feliz Navidad mijo” 

     Sara comes next, she’s already on her phone texting Felice a Merry Christmas, he bets anything on that. 

     “Merry Christmas Sara” he hugs and relishes in the feeling, her hugs have always been some of his favorite. 

     “Merry Christmas Simon” 

     He goes around the living room and hugs Ayub’s and Rosh’s families before hugging his friends. All three of them huddle together for that one. He feels thankful to have the two in his life. A little later their families start to part ways, but Ayub and Rosh themselves decide to sleep over. No one seemed to mind so once they were done cleaning up they turned the living room into their little sleep area. They played the first horror movie they found and it reminded him of that night. His first kiss with Wille. He feels a small tug in his heart but quickly forgets about it because of Ayub’s funny commentary. He forgets scary movies aren't really that scary when he’s watching them with these two. 

***

     He doesn’t even know when they ended up falling asleep. He’s woken up by the sunlight coming in through the curtains and Rosh’s snoring. Ayub is already awake, surprisingly he’s a morning bird, looking down at his phone with a weird look on his face. 

     “Good morning Ayub,” Simon says in a deep voice. It’ll take a few minutes before he can speak without wanting to go back to sleep again. 

It’s almost like Ayub was caught doing something he shouldn't be doing because he quickly hid his phone from Simon’s view and there was a slight tint of panic in his eyes

     “Hey, Good Morning” he tries not to give anything away in his voice.

     “What were you looking at? Did something happen?” Simon’s curiosity peaked at his friend's odd behavior. 

     “What? No, nothing happened just same old”

     “Same old..” before he could question him any more Rosh started to wake up. 

     “Good morning guys” 

     “Good morning Rosh, I’ll wash up first and then you guys can go ahead after me” he makes his way to the restroom to wash his teeth and his face in order to be fully awake. He completely misses the look Ayub rushes over to Rosh. 

     “Wake up! Look at this” Ayub whispers as pulls out his phone once more and shows it to Rosh. It’s all over his social media, courting rumors between Wilhelm and Angelica. He didn’t have the heart to show it to Simon this early in the morning. He himself can’t get over the shock and apparently neither can Rosh, whose eyes look like they’re ready to pop out. 

      “You’re fucking with me. That can’t be true” she snatches the phone from his hand and holds it closer to her face as if that could make her believe it any more. 

     “What do we do?” Ayub's voice is laced with worry and panic all in one

     “What do you mean what do we do Ayub? There’s nothing for us to do!” She quickly goes to his Instagram and heads straight to Wilhelm's profile and there it is. A picture of his family and that girl’s. “ “From Ours to Yours” what type of shit is that?!” Sleep is long forgotten for her. 

     “Do we tell Simon?” 

     “It’s not like we can hide it from him, but let's find the right time to do so. I can’t forget the heartbroken look he had on his face when you told him about Wilhelm denying it was him in the video.” 

     “Okay we tell him later today then” he heads over to the other side where Simon was sleeping and grabs his phone to turn it off.

     “What are you doing?” Rosh asks

     “Turning his phone so he doesn’t see it before he has to. We’ll just tell him it died”

     “You know he’s not dumb right” Rosh hopes just for today he can actually believe that horrible lie. 

      “Shh he might-” Ayub’s sentence cuts off once he hears the water turn off. “Okay make sure he doesn’t get to his phone for now” 

     A few seconds later he comes in, “alright who’s next?” Ayub cleans up first and then Rosh. Simon can feel something is off between the two but doesn’t think much of it for the moment. He tries to look for his phone and finds it over by Rosh. Odd but it probably just moved around the sheets. He picks it up but its remains with a black screen.

     “It must just be dead,” Ayub says. Simon could've sworn it was fully charged before he went to sleep but before he could mess with it any longer Rosh spoke up

     “Let’s go grab some breakfast first, yeah?” breakfast sounds nice, they have some leftover food at home but its too heavy to eat all that in the morning. Instead, they opt to buy a breakfast sandwich at one of the stands near the football field. The old lady is there all 365 days of the year, they know they can count on her for a good breakfast any day. He goes on to wake up Sara so they can all head out. 

     He didn’t realize how early it really was until they stepped foot outside. He wrapped his coat tighter around him as the cool morning air hit them. It wasn’t a long walk before they saw the old lady sitting next to her stand as usual. 

     “Five breakfast sandwiches please ma’am,” he orders. The fifth one is for his mom, he knows these became her favorite even if she refuses to admit it. She hands him two and the rest to Rosh, Ayub, and Sara. They all simultaneously feel the warmth coming from the sandwiches spreading to the rest of their body. They start to walk over to a small gas station nearby to buy some drinks. 

     “How is it colder in here than it is outside?” Sara complains, and rightfully so Simon thinks. They make their way to the cold drink areas while he prepares some hot chocolate instead. He’s almost done before something catches his attention. A magazine with a certain blonde boy on the cover. Hand in hand with a girl. 

Oh.

     He doesn’t need to take a closer look to know its Wilhelm, yet he picks up the magazine anyways. The girl next to him is beautiful. They look perfect like they belong together like that and he can’t tell if it's anger, hurt, or jealousy that’s starting to build up. He reads the heading and it's neither anger, hurt, or jealousy that he feels. “Prince Wilhelm possibly courting Lady Angelica Johansson.” Can’t get any more straightforward than that.  His heart doesn’t drop. It breaks. It’s not like how they describe in books where a persons’ heart breaks into a million little pieces. It's nothing like that. It’s worse. It's slow and painful. Almost like every vein, artery, and fiber of his being was slowly being ripped apart. Piece by piece. Something as simple as breathing became almost impossible. It has to be some stupid rumors, he hopes it's just that, stupid rumors but the more he looks at the picture the less he can bring himself to believe that. 

     He turns the pages and instantly regrets it, he’s putting some necklace around her, walking next to her, smiling and talking. Blow after blow and he regrets it so much. 

He said I love you. 

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you .

     At one point his thoughts became less about what Wille said to him and more what Simon himself wished he had said. 

     He keeps staring at the pictures for what feels like an eternity before he feels a hand taking it off his hands. He looks up and finds Sara. Her little Simon radar must’ve gone off because she’s there right next to him bruising off the tears that had begun to fall. She brings him in for a hug before whispering “Lets go Simon” 

     He doesn’t know how he even makes it out the door. It’s almost like he forgot how to put one foot in front of the other. Ayub paid for their drink and finished preparing Simons. He doesn’t head home, instead, it's the football field that his feet lead him to. 

     “Let’s watch the sunrise for now,” he says, even his voice feels foreign to him.

     “Sunrise it is,” Rosh says. 

     The grass is slightly wet but they don’t seem to mind. As they sit down, Ayub asks Simin for his phone. 

     “But its dead Ayub”

     “No, it's not Simon. Frankly, I can’t believe you believed us like that” Simon’s face must’ve given away how confused he was because Ayub continued, “I saw it earlier this morning on my phone. Wilhelm and Angelica, I saw it before you woke up”

     “Is that why you looked so worried?”

     “Yes. I’m sorry Simon. I didn’t want to keep this from you, Rosh, and I just wanted to tell you ourselves and in a better way than last time” 

     At that Simon turns to Rosh, “Rosh you knew?”

     She closes her eyes and gives a defeated sigh before opening them up again. She placed a hand over Simon’s, “He told me right after I woke up. Look I get it if you get mad at us for it but please Simon I couldn’t bear to see you the way you looked last time Ayub told you about the denying of Wilhelm. You looked so heartbroken and that in itself broke my heart so we wanted to tell you in a way that wouldn’t leave you the same way” 

     Simon genuinely can’t bring himself to get mad at them. They had good intentions and he knows if he was in their position he would’ve done the same. He asks Sara if she knew but she just shook her head. He turns on his phone and goes to Wilhelm's profile, only adding salt to the wound honestly. He didn’t expect to see a new post. Every Time he’s met with the last one. A photo of him on his first day at Hillerska. He wished that he was met with this time as well but it was a picture of his family and the girls’ 'From Ours to Yours' ' If he wasn't still paying off this phone he’s sure he would’ve thrown it across the field by now. Instead he takes a picture of the beautiful sunset in front of them and captions it with the last words he said to him. 

     “Is this one of those soulmates-who-weren't-meant-to-be type of situation?” Rosh says and it earns her a light slap on the arm from Ayub.

     “C’mon Rosh, he’s a prince and I’m Simon, of course, this was never meant to be” hurt doesn’t even begin to describe what he felt saying that out loud.

     “You know what Simon, you’ll meet a nicer and better guy, more attractive too! Right Rosh?” Ayub’s optimism slowly faded out.

     “Right!” 

     “We’ll be going back to school soon, I don’t know what to do, act like we’re strangers? Like we’re friends or classmates? Who am I kidding after that video came out there’s no sort of connection he could possibly be allowed to have with me.” 

     “I saw him hug you in front of everyone. No one gives that type of hug when they want to avoid any type of connection with someone else.” Sara says, of course, she would know she was right there when it was all happening. 

     “He was just emotional Sara, he wasn't thinking rationally” yes, that’s what it was. He wasn’t thinking rationally. Somehow that makes it worse. 

     They eat their breakfast in silence, knowing Simon just needs their company for now. Sometimes dwelling in your own emotions is the best way to learn how to deal with them. His hot chocolate is still hot but even that can’t warm him up anymore.

Chapter Text

“I’m still yours,” Wilhelm says with one last sigh

“You’re still mine”
The words come out of Simon before he can register what he just said.

Wilhelms looks up at him. He’s clearly holding back his own tears, he takes one more step towards Simon. They’re so close they can hear each other’s breathing before he closes the space between them and places a small kiss on Simon’s lips.

For the first time since the night started, he feels like he can finally breathe. He feels like himself and not some prince who has to be courting girls he has no interest in.

They lean on each other until their foreheads touch and share a smile. Everything feels intimate at the moment. Another moment stolen from time.

Wilhelm runs his hands through Simon’s hair reveling in the feeling of soft curls against his fingertips. He feels like he can get drunk on what he’s feeling in this single moment.

He closes his eyes and hums at the feeling of Simon’s hands caressing his hair before he feels a tug at the bottom of his hair. He opens his eyes and looks at Simon giving him that signature smile of his.

Chapter Text

     Half an hour was enough time to dwell over a certain prince. It was getting colder and Simon would hate it if any of them got sick simply because of something like this. The worst has passed, or at least it feels like it. He’s no longer reeling from the initial shock anyways so that has to count for something. He’s always felt sure of himself, and who he is, but just for today he wishes he could trade places with anyone else, but that’s impossible. The only thing he can do is put one foot in front of the other. 

     He nudges Sara before standing up as a way of letting her know they should start heading back. Soon after Ayub and Rosh follow, and part ways with the siblings on their way home. The pair walk in silence for a few minutes before he breaks the silence,

     “Do you think Mom knows?” 

     “About Wihelm and the girl? Probably, I bet you it's everywhere right now” 

     “I suppose so,” he shrugs. That’s all they say before falling back into silence. He’s expecting their mom to fuss over him again, offer him sweets or another crying session. He was lost in thought trying to think of ways to reassure her that he’d be fine. What he was not expecting was a black luxury car outside their home. He had seen it once before, and it was not a pleasant memory. He felt a gut-wrenching feeling and it was Sara’s hand on his that kept him from running in the opposite direction. 

     “You don’t think that’s…” Sara can’t bring herself to say the name anymore, and neither can Simon. He holds on to her hand tighter before they make their way into the house. He holds his breath bracing for the worse, but it never comes. He sees Malin sitting on their dining table immersed in conversation with their mom but no sign of a crown prince that needs to be protected anywhere.

     “Hello Simon, it’s nice to finally see you again. It’s just me for now.”  It’s almost as if Malin heard his thoughts and for a brief second he wondered if that was part of her job requirements because it creeped him out a bit, but something tells him his face might’ve given him away.  

     “Hello Malin” He doesn’t acknowledge the second part of her sentence for obvious reasons. He turns to his mom and can instantly see the worry in her eyes, it’s almost enough to make his eyes start to burn with the tears he’s holding back. 

     “Well I feel like I’ve taken up too much of your morning Linda, I’ll start heading out now. Thank you for the food” Simon had no idea how and when Malin and her mom became friends. He makes a mental note to ask once Malin’s gone. “Goodbye Simon and Sara.” and without saying anything else she heads out the door. 

      As if on cue his mom stands up and immediately hugs him, “I saw” she whispers while stroking his hair. Simon feels like he’s run out of tears so all he can do is cling to his mom, but it doesn’t last long before he pulls back. 

     “I don’t want to feel like this today. What’s done is done and there’s nothing I can do about it but accept it and move on”  he can’t help the way his voice breaks at the end. The broken heart is still there but despite that, he’s always been the kind to come back to his senses. No matter how hard things got there was always a voice of reason present at the back of his mind, it’s what kept him pushing through all these years. 

     “You don’t have to be so strong all the time, you know that right mijo?” He knows he doesn't, but he has no other option. He can either cry over a boy or move on already. 

     “I know,” he tries his best to reassure his mom before he reaches into his pocket, “here. It’s a little cold now but it’s still good” he says as he hands her the breakfast sandwich. 

     “My favorite.” She barely makes it to the microwave before Sara starts interrogating her

    “Can we address the elephant in the room” Simon was going to ease into this conversation but Sara’s method works too.

     “Si Sara?” 

     “Since when are you friends with Wilhelms bodyguard?” Sara continues 

     “I have friends too Sara” Of course she has friends. But the Prince’s bodyguard?! “We actually have quite a lot in common, after that evening Wilhelm came to visit we just kept talking.”

     Simon felt unusually shy thinking about that night. Wilhelm’s hands on him, and his lips on his neck...he quickly stops himself from thinking anything else from that night “Sorry we kinda drove her away. It looked like you two were having a nice talk”

     “Oh no it's fine she had to leave pretty soon to go back to Wilhelm. Something about needed to get out the palace” she grabs her heated up breakfast and heads to the living room settling on the blankets that were left there,” how about we just have a lazy day today”

     Neither of them argues with that and settle on each side of her. Sara plays some random movie and he can honestly not tell you a single thing about it. His mind is a thousand miles away. All he can think of is the moments they shared together. From the night he snuck out to Rosh’s game to the first kiss they shared. He was the first guy to ever call him beautiful. Simon never saw himself as an ugly person but he would never go as far as to say he’s beautiful. 

Have you called her beautiful too?

    “All the people are fake. They’re made out of metal. But I like you and that’s not fake.” 

     Simon lost count of how many times he's thought of Wille’s words. It sounds like a song to him. Who knew his prince could be such a poet even when he’s high off his mind. That and his “I love you” haunt his dreams almost every night. He doesn’t admit to himself just how much he yearns to hear those words come out of Wille’s mouth again. To be loved and to love back. Is it that much of a sin? It’s not. He knows it's not. They’ve never done anything wrong. But people make them feel like they have and that’s the cruelty of their reality. 

Have you told her you loved her?

Chapter Text

     Wilhelm hasn’t bothered to wake up at a reasonable time lately, all alarms in his phone have been turned off and he’s personally asked their staff to not wake him up anymore. So to be woken up by a very awake Malin and the sun hitting him directly in the face is uncalled for.

     “C’mon now wake up! As much as we'd like to stay in bed and cry over pretty boys, we can’t keep doing that.” As soon as Malin is done with fully opening the curtains she walks over to his bed and pats his leg, “Up up Wille” 

     All he can do is groan and bury his head deeper into his pillows hoping to block off some of the light coming in. He can faintly hear some Malin walking away and making some noise on the other end of the room.

     “You’re parents are beginning to ask more questions as to why you’re not joining them for breakfast anymore” 

     He slightly lifts up his head from the pillow so she can understand him, “just come up with some random excuse please” 

     “Too late. I ran out of those two mornings ago. You’ll be starting school soon anyways, and you want to get a shitty sleeping habit right before?” 

     “Malin it’s too early for you to be making sense” He knows she’s right, but all he can do is groan more. There’s no reason to actually be waking up early anymore. Personally, he thinks that's what breaks should be about. Shitty sleeping habits. 

     “I brought you some of my breakfast so just for one more morning you can avoid heading down there” 

     That’s more than enough for him to finally throw off his blanket and go wash up. By the time he’s back, Malin has set it out for them on one of his tables. That must’ve been all the rustling from earlier. He sits down and looks down at his plate with a look that has Malin biting back a laugh.

     “They’re tamales Wilhelm”

     “I don't think I’ve ever had one. '' He picks it up before biting directly into it. “Malin not to sound ungrateful but are you sure this is edible? I don’t think food is supposed to be this hard” That’s really what does it for her. He has to wait for her to calm down before she speaks up

     “Look, you take of the corn husk first and carefully roll it onto your plate,” she goes on to demonstrate with her own tamal and he quickly does the same. “Okay now set that to the side,” he places it inside the plastic bag she brought them in, “and enjoy. That’s it” 

     He feels his ears redden at the sudden realization of what he had done but quickly forgets about it once he takes his first bite, “no offense Malin but I think you chose the wrong career, this food is amazing. I never knew you could cook this good” 

     She chuckles at this, “I didn’t make them, Linda made them for Christmas and gave some to me a few days ago.”

     He tries his best not to choke on the food once he hears that, “Linda? As in Simon’s mom Linda?” How could that even be possible? It’s probably someone else and he just made himself look like a fool. 

     “Yeah, that Linda” He can’t believe Malin keeps on eating as if she didn’t just say that. 

     “Since when have you and Linda been that close?” He wants to ask him about Simon. She can probably sense it honestly. 

     “You know not all my friends are 17-year-old princes. Get on it with” he shoots her a clearly confused look to which she replies with, “ask me about Simon.” There it is. 

     “When did you go? How is he? Did he look well? ” His mind is running marathons at the moment. 

     “Keep eating before it gets cold.” as soon as he picks up his fork again she continues talking, “ I went Christmas morning right before we went out to the plaza. Physically he’s okay, emotionally... that’s another thing. I was talking with Linda, trying to put in a good word for you as well. She understands Wilhelm, and I quote “the smile he gave my Simon held more love than I thought was possible, nothing compared to those pictures” I’d have to agree with her. Simon will be okay Wilhelm. You’re two teenage boys going through heartbreak, and I hate to see it but there’s not much we can do right now. He has his family and friends and that’s enough, and you have me so you two will get through this alright?”

     His words die out in his mouth for a moment so all he can do is nod. Thankfully Malin fills in the silence. “Enough being sad, are you really planning on going back the third?” 

     “Mhmm,” he thinks he looks ridiculous with food stuffed cheeks 

     “What’s the plan then” he looks at her with a raised eyebrow, “oh c’mon you’re not going back to focus on school, I don’t believe that for a second” she points her fork at him for emphasis “so, flowers? Love letters? Romantically sweeping him off his feet bridal style?”

     He can’t help but giggle, “You’re ridiculous” he doesn’t know what prompts him to ask this but it’s too late to take it back “ does it bother you that I’m in love with a guy Malin?” 

     “You’re asking the woman who is married to another woman if she has a problem with two people being in love?” 

     “You’re married? How come you never mentioned it, you don’t even have a ring on?!” seconds later she brings up a necklace from under her shit with a ring. Wilhelm thinks it’s beautiful. The smile that’s on her face makes him happy for some reason he can’t quite put a finger on. 

     “For five years. Her name’s Annie, she has the most beautiful soul.” The way she talks about her wife makes Wille smile. There’s just so much love. 

     “I’m happy for you Malin” he wants to talk about Simon that freely someday too.

     “Thank you, one day i’ll introduce you two”

     “Malin, when did you know you were into other women?” He himself has been questioning his own identity and online forums only confuse him more than actually help him, and his parents are out of the question. 

     “Hmm, I think I was in high school. It was a bit difficult to come to that realization because of my family and the way society viewed same-sex couples back then, but I had my first kiss with a girl and it really put things into perspective. You can’t really avoid thinking about it when your first kiss has been with another girl.” she pauses for a moment before asking him “are you questioning yourself by any chance?”

     It's only Malin but he feels the need to lower his voice and hide in himself talking about this. “Well yes, I never really saw other guys like that, you know? Even now it's just Simon, no one else. I thought I was into girls and I think I am or I was? It’s all become so confusing and I try to ignore it but sometimes it just pops into my head and I don’t have an answer. Frankly, I don’t know if I mind it or not”

     “You don’t have to put a label on who you are, Wilhelm.” She places a reassuring hand on top of his, “if you love Simon then you love Simon and that’s all that should matter” Somehow hearing her say these things to him eases some of the tension he didn’t know he had. He smiles in return for once feeling like this is an actual answer he can have. 

     “Thank you Malin”

     “Of course Kiddo.” 

     They go back to eating their breakfast together while she continues to tell him more about Annie and their pets. A little later they put away the trash in the bags Malin brought with her and lets him get ready for the day. Wilhelm can’t stop thinking about what he’ll do once he’s back. He just wants to see Simon. To hear his voice once more. Sometimes he lays awake remembering how warm his body felt under his fingertips and how soft his lips were. It hurts him in the most beautiful way possible. He’d do anything to have him back in his arms again. 

Chapter Text

 Its nights like these that Simon hates the most. When he can feel the lingering touch of Wilhelm and the feel of his lips. When he's alone and the world is quiet he admits just how much he yearns to be held by his prince again. The days went by faster than he would've liked yet time did little to no healing for his broken heart. But what could he expect if he keeps tearing himself apart thinking of Wille almost every night.

      Before he knew it he was welcoming a new year with his family yet couldn't shake the feeling of being stuck in time. He's tried damn near everything to speed up the process of moving on but to no avail. He turns and reads the time on his clock: 3:45, with a groan he turns to his side and buries himself in his blanket, making a mental note to invest in some of those melatonin gummies. He has to be awake in a few hours to be on his way to Hillerska for his morning music lessons - his final attempt at a distraction.

      Ever since Wilhelm gave him a mini-lesson in the music room on how to read notes, he's taken an interest in really learning. He closes his eyes and he can remember the way the boy next to him looked. Like a soft angel, Simon thinks. His small smile and kind eyes were what drew him in. He couldn't believe he got to kiss him let alone the fact that Wille kissed him back.

      He stops himself before his mind wanders any further, there's no use in thinking of that right now, yet he still finds himself whispering the words he'd wish he had told Wille.

      "Te amo." he whispers before closing his eyes.

      By the time he wakes up, he can smell the bacon and eggs his mom is cooking in the kitchen. He doesn't remember falling asleep but his eyes feel heavy and it takes more willpower than he would've liked to get out of bed. A little while ago, Sara, his mom, and him all fell into a routine: Wake up, get ready, eat and head out for the day. That's what he always expects and how it should've gone.

      Instead, his mom brings up the last thing he wanted to think about, "Simon, have you given transferring school a bit more thought"

      The idea of transferring out of Hillerska was brought up shortly after the scandal came out. He would be lying if he said he didn't consider at least once. He was never a coward but this entire ordeal was simply too big and too much for him. There were so many things he had to take into consideration. The obvious one would be being away from Wilhelm.

      He was never yours Simon. He never was and he never will be.

      "Yeah I've looked into other schools" He hasn't. He finds it a bit pathetic honestly. He would go through all sorts of pain seeing the blonde almost every day, he knows that yet he would rather have his heartache if it meant being able to see Wille.

      He can feel the hard stare Sara throws his way but keeps looking down at his breakfast. He knows if he looks up she'll figure it out. Rather than getting caught in his lie, he finishes his breakfast and starts to put his plate,

      "Ya te vas?" (You're leaving?) he hears his mom ask

      "Si (Yes), I don't want to be late so I'll start to head out now, thanks for the breakfast má" he kisses her forehead and throws Sara a smile before getting his backpack and closing the front door behind him. He's immediately met with the cold morning breeze and immediately regrets not bringing a scarf with him. He makes it to his bus stop just in time and catches a few more minutes of sleep before arriving at Hillerska.

      He starts to open his eyes once he feels the bus making a certain right turn and soon enough sees the school make its way into view. He'll never get tired of admiring how beautiful it looks in the morning light. He thanks the bus driver as he makes his way out and starts to make his way up the small hill towards the school. As he gets closer to the music room he can hear a piano being played, and beautifully too. Out of courtesy, he waits outside until the person is finished with the piece and gently knocks making his presence known.

      He was expecting other people to be in the room but instead, it's just a girl. He doesn't think he's seen her around before, but then again it is a big school. Something about her seems welcoming to him, he clears his throat ready to introduce himself,

      "Hi, I'm Simon, nice to meet you." he extends a hand out and instantly regrets it. She doesn't look much older than him yet he's being unusually formal. He internally cringes at his actions and hopes she doesn't notice. And if she does, she doesn't pay it much attention and shakes his hand.

      "Simon, the guy-", the girl starts

      He knew it was coming, how could he forget," the guy from the sex video?" better to get this over with he thinks " Yeah I am, there's no use in hiding it, hopefully, you'll still want to practice together."

      The last thing he was expecting was a look of complete confusion to appear on her face. He was bracing himself for some judgment, maybe disgust?

      "What? No, I was going to ask if you were Simon the guy in the choir"

      Oh god. "Oh."

      "Yeah."

      He can feel the heat rushing to his cheeks. "Well yes, I'm also that Simon" He clearly has no idea where to go from here. How do you possibly recover from that? Thankfully she gains her senses faster than he does and begins to introduce herself,

      "My name's Janine, but my friends call me Jan, it's nice to meet you, Simon, I've heard about your choir involvement through Mrs.Greta, she kept going on and on about how you sing so beautifully."

      "Thank you, Janine, it's nice to meet you too" quite frankly he doesn't know how to feel about his teacher talking about him or his skills to other students but doesn't have much time to dwell on that before Janine speaks up again.

       "Listen, what you said earlier, I know about the video and what happened and it's not going to make me treat you any differently. You did nothing wrong. Whoever the perverted asshole who recorded and posted that is the one in the wrong."

      He wasn't expecting that at all, the way her words sound sincere and genuinely is nice to hear for a change. "Thanks, Janine"

      "Call me Jan. I'd appreciate having a friend before classes start up again."

      "Oh, so you're new here?"

      "Unfortunately" she sighs. Since introductions are out of the way he takes in her appearance a bit more. She's a pretty girl, he can see that. Her hair fades from a dark brown to a light pink and shapes her round face. Kinda reminds him of cotton candy. Gold framed octagon glasses sit on the bridge of her nose and he finds them to be quite cute. He notices she keeps pulling on the sleeve of her cardigan and realizes they both have the same nervous tick. He tries to be as friendly as he can, being the new kid can't be that easy, especially in a school like this.

      "Alright Jan, count me as your first friend then." he smiles at her and can see some of the tension slowly leave her body. "I really liked your piano skills, you don't need many lessons on it so how come you're here?"

      "Thank you for that but I'm actually a bit rusty so this is more of a refresher than anything if I'm being honest"

      Before he can ask her any more questions he can hear the footsteps of other approaching students. It's only a group of 6 including himself and Jan so it's not as overwhelming for her. They take a seat next to each other and get ready for the rest of their morning once Mrs.Greta walks in.

      "Good morning kids" she smiles before starting with her lesson.

     By the time their lesson is over Simon feels like his head is about to break and Jan is stifling a laugh.

      "You should've seen the look of confusion on your face for the first half of her talking"

      "Ha ha Jan, not all of us are music geniuses" he makes sure the sarcasm is more than evident in his voice

      They're walking around the school in an attempt to help her get familiar with certain places. They've gotten to know each other a little better through small talk and playful banter here and there. She's never once brought up the video or anything remotely related to it, and Simon genuinely thinks he's found himself a new friend. Thoughts of the talk he had with his mom in the morning slowly start to disappear. 

Chapter Text

The days seemed to pass by excruciatingly slow yet fast all at the same time. After talking with Malin he started to feel like a small weight was lifted off his shoulders.

"You don't have to put a label on who you are, Wilhelm"

He would've never come to that conclusion from his late-night google searches. It's almost a little laughable but who else could he turn to? Before his thoughts spiral down a dark path, Malin walks in,

"Dinner's in 30" she announces. She's dressed up for the night in a stunning navy blue suit. New Year's dinner was never a big event here but they're having the Johansson's over, and his mother deems that big enough to have them all dresses up.

"What are the chances she'll believe me if I lie and say I'm sick?" He's dressed up for the night himself but the last thing he wants to do is entertain Angelica and her family. He'd rather stay in his room and daydream about a certain boy.

"Don't kid yourself. We both know she'll drag you out there herself." Leave it to Malin to be the voice of reason. She makes her way into his room and her eyes dart from the open suitcases to his calendar with a certain day circled. Putting two and two together she can't help but laugh a little, "c'mon now, you just need to get through this one night and you can be on your way to see him."

That should not have made him blush as much as it did but he's a simple guy after all, "Is it that obvious?"

"Yeah," she scoffs and reaches for his tie on the dresser, "you're literally counting down the days, Wilhelm." She gestures for him to stand up knowing that he wasn't planning on wearing that tie; always going on about hating it. He gives her a half-hearted glare before standing up.

"Is it normal that I'm feeling weirdly nervous? I miss him and I've been wanting to see him since we said goodbye, but the thought of him makes me so.." There's not even a word to describe what Simon makes him feel at this point.

"It's completely normal," she reassures him before looking down at her watch, "and you can go back to freaking out over him once you're done with dinner"

With a groan, he starts to make his way to welcome the Johansson's, "Don't let your mom hear you!"

He laughs to himself a little bit before groaning louder, making New Year's dinner seem like the biggest chore in the world.

He greets Angelica's parents first before leading her to their dining room.

"You look beautiful Angelica" he offers her a compliment out of courtesy, which earns him a small smile from his mom, and a deep blush from the girl in front of him.

"You look handsome yourself Wille- sorry Wilhelm"

Thank God.

"Thank you" he smiles back. The night feels like it'll never end and it just started, then again he does have better things to do.

He expected the rest of the night to go by smoothly, but it almost never does. Mr. Johansson clears his throat before speaking up, "Wilhelm your mother told me you were planning on going back earlier than expected"

"Yes, I will return on the third to get a head start on my studies. As I told my mother, it's time to take things more seriously" He hopes that sounded convincing enough, and judging by the stare Malin shoots at him, he guesses it did.

This time it's Mrs.Johansson who talks to him, "What a shame dear, I was really hoping that you could accompany Angelica on her first day"

Oh no no no

He felt the immediate panic start to set in. There had to be a way to get that idea out of their head, but before he could speak up his mom intervened.

"Oh you should've said something earlier Eleanor, I'm sure Wilhelm wouldn't mind staying an extra few days here and head back together with Angelica"

He would mind. A lot.

"Oh no, I can't hold him back like that, after all it's best if he goes back earlier for his studies. Such a studious young man" Angelica's mom objects.

His mom's entire demeanor changed, and he knew there was no coming back from this. The next best thing was to compromise.

"I can still be there and wait for her arrival at Hillerska, it's not like she will be completely alone. Rest assured I will be the first person to welcome her there Mrs. Johansson." he tries to sound as reassuring as possible giving them the fakest smile he could conjure up.

But it wasn't enough apparently. His mother's eyes set on him, " "Nonsense Wilhelm" she laughs, but it doesn't quite reach her eyes, they hold a stern look instead, "He would be more than happy to walk hand-in-hand with Angelica"

This is the part where he throws down his napkin and dramatically stands up to leave dinner, but instead, he bottles up the anger that was starting to come up and take a bite of his food forcing it to go down.

"I think its best if he returns Ma'am, after their winter break, classes will tend to be more rigorous, and he will need all the extra time he can get"

He looks up to see Malin trying to reason with his mom. Of course, she would try to help out, he just never thought it would be this directly. But even her input was not enough.

"It'll be alright Malin" his mom says.

There goes that. He still gives Malin a small smile to thank her for her effort. The conversation goes in an entirely different direction, and he doesn't bother to follow. The rest of the night consists of more useless chatter and pictures. He feels himself becoming dumb to it. Once the clock strikes midnight, he wishes them a happy new Year and makes his way to his room. He walks towards his calendar and marks the 6th instead, if anything it'll give him more time to think about what he'll say to Simon once he sees him again.

"I love you"

He'll probably wish me a happy spring semester.

"I missed you"

I'll sound like a douche after the scandal with Angelica.

"I can explain"

Would he even care

"I hope you had a nice Christmas Simon, I got you a gift"

What if he doesn't even want the gift...

"Have you officially gone insane then?" he hears a voice

He turns around and finds Malin smiling back at him. He feels slightly embarrassed about being caught, but then again it's just her, "I have no idea what I'll say once I see him"

That nervous feeling starts to make his way back up. Malin takes notes of this reaches for a hug, "It's okay Wilhelm," she pulls away and gives him the closest thing to a pep talk, "Simon's a nice guy, and so are you. You just happen to be in a very complicated spot right now. Have a heart-to-heart conversation with him, you two seem to be good at that"

He knows she's right but how does one even approach that,

Hey I'm sorry I'm sort of dating this other girl after declaring my love for you a few weeks ago

With one last hug, Malin leaves, "Sleep on it for now Wilhelm." He supposes there's nothing better to do than to actually sleep now. He'll deal with whatever happened over dinner tomorrow.

"I love you" he whispers into the dark. If he had Simon in front of him right now, that's exactly what he would like to say.

Chapter Text

Simon finds it a little crazy just how well he clicked with Jan. What's even crazier is how well she got along with Rosh and Ayub. So well that she's now sitting next to him cheering Rosh on for her game tonight. He can't help but always be reminded of him once he sets eyes on the field.

"You're so beautiful"

He hates how he remembers that so vividly. He hates the hope that grew a light inside him. But he doesn't hate him. No matter how many times Wilhelm broke his heart, no matter how many pictures he sees of his arm linked with a certain girl, he could never hate him.

He is snapped out of his thoughts by a voice next to him, "Damn is watching Rosh play getting you that sad?" Jan asks. It takes him a couple of seconds to register what she means but before he can answer she cuts him off, "You like a puppy who just got kicked Si" Concern is written all over his face and he feels a pang of guilt for ruining the atmosphere with his own useless thoughts.

"I was just reminded of something. That's all" He tries to give her the most reassuring smile he possibly could but she didn't buy it. That's something both amazing and annoying of her; no matter how hard he would try to lie or hide his own feelings, she had this crazy talent of seeing behind his facade.

She raises an eyebrow before questioning him, putting a pause on her cheering, "Something huh?"

"Mhmm" he hums. His words would give him away entirely.

"Does this "something", have blonde hair and occupy your thoughts 24/7"

"Maybe," he says. She won anyway.

She wraps her arms around herself and looks at him with something similar to pity maybe? He doesn't blame her, it's about time that he focuses on other things. "Okay be honest Simon, on a scale of one to ten just how terrified of seeing him again"

On a scale of one to ten? He's a solid 20. The idea of standing in front of Wille again both terrifies him and soothes him- it's an odd combination, but a combination nonetheless. He doesn't say this, rather he laughs nervously before trying to defend himself, "Ha. Who said I was scared of him? He's just another guy I'm going to see at school, just because he's a prince doesn't mean I'll treat him any differently." He has to admit that sounded ridiculous even to him.

"He's not just 'another guy Si, He's that guy" she adds the heavy emphasis towards the end. He knows exactly what she means. The words don't need to be said out loud for it to be understood.

He's still in love with Wilhelm no matter how much he tries to deny it.

Love.

He knows he's in love with Wille and there's no coming back from that. There's no re-do button and even if there was he would still choose the path that would lead to his lover again and again.

His thoughts are drowned out by the loud cheering around him. He looks up and sees a big smile across Rosh's face and soon enough he joins the rest of the crowd. He can be sad over this another time he figures, right now he wants to be here for his friend.

He stands between Ayub and Jan and throws his hand around them to celebrate the end of the game. He feels Jan ruffling his hair before saying, "Todo va a estar bien Si (Everything is going to be okay Si)" He really hopes so.

Chapter Text

  "I'm going to be sick," Wilhelm says as he rushes towards his bathroom. He notices Malin is already holding the door open for him but is in too much of a hurry to thank her. He splashes water on his face in an attempt to cool down while Malin types away on her phone and scoffs at his reaction. "You big baby weren't you over the moon just a few hours ago"

     That's the problem, he was practically gleaming with joy this morning, even breakfast with his family was bearable. He woke up feeling the same excitement a kid would feel on a Christmas morning and now he's stuck with this heavy feeling in his gut that he can't quite shake off. In

     He turns off the water before facing her, "I was or I am, I'm just scared or nervous, I can't tell" he says. He's going to see Simon, his Simon, in less than 48 hours, and he has no idea what to do. In another world, he would kiss him senseless but in reality, he doubts any kisses will be involved.

    She looks up from her phone and tries to reason with him, "okay prince charming, I can see why this is making you nervous but remember he's still the Simon you know. A few weeks is not going to change that I promise you. You know him more than I do kiddo, I'm sure he'll at least hear you out"

     "What if he doesn't" He has to mentally prepare himself for the worst possible scenario because that's how his life works. Rarely anything ever works out in his favor.

     "What if he does"

     "You're too optimistic Malin"

     "Maybe, but I've seen the way he's always looked at you. A few weeks is not enough time to take away all that love his eyes hold when he's looking at you" Hearing this from Malin makes his heart hurt because he can't imagine what he's put Simon through. "If I were you I'd start panicking over how you'll introduce your other sweetheart"

     With a deadpan look, he tries to match her sarcasm "Very funny Malin"

     "I try," she says. He sees her shrug as if he wasn't having an entire dilemma ahead of him.

      "C'mon you still have things to do here before you leave, I'll wait outside for you."

     Maybe he's overreacting, and things won't turn out to be an entire disaster. He follows Malin out the door but that unnerving feeling sticks with him.

     The rest of the day is more like a blur to him and by the end of the night, he's more than ready to go to sleep. He knows he should probably get rid of this unhealthy habit but he reaches for his phone and opens his social media, going straight to the only profile he really cares about. What's supposed to give him peace of mind does the exact opposite. A new picture of Simon with Rosh and Ayub presumably from one of her games judging from her uniform but there's an unfamiliar girl next to Simon. A little too close for his liking.

     Something immediately starts to form within him and it's far from pretty. Jealousy? He knows he's in no position to be jealous but that does nothing to ease the feeling. The possibility that she could be a new friend does nothing to ease this new sensation. He remembers Malin's words from earlier in the day: "A few weeks is not going to change that I promise you" He finds a bit of solace in that but it's not enough.

     Who is she, Simon?

     The alarm went off signaling the start of the new day. He doesn't remember falling asleep and judging by the number of times he hit snooze, it's not like he got that much sleep either - a certain pink hair stranger occupied his mind for most of the night. He realizes that feeling of jealousy did not disappear overnight, but he pushes it to the side for the time being. He conjures up the will to get out of bed and starts to get ready for the day ahead of him.

     He hears a knock on the door that's immediately followed by Malin's voice, "Good morning Wilhelm, it's time to go. The car is waiting outside"

     His eyes shift to a certain corner of his room; a certain perfectly tied gift is sitting there almost taunting him. He ignores the unease building up and makes his way towards it, picking it up before heading out and closing the door to his room.

     He follows Malin to the car and the silence between them is understood. As much as he hates to admit it, going back is a lot more than just seeing Simon again. He denied the scandal and left him to deal with it alone; he's "courting" a beautiful girl he has no romantic interest in; the mystery girl from the picture; and he has to keep up the image of a prince, no longer a naive teenager, he can't go back to the normal that he knew.

     Malin clears her throat before handing him breakfast, "you have a long day ahead of you, it's best if you at least eat something" He had completely disregarded breakfast because he thought it was impossible to stomach anything; but she was right, he did have a long day ahead of him. He's supposed to meet with Angelica and take a few pictures just like he did on his first day with his brother, but it's not Erik, there's no fooling around, he's all alone. He has to come to peace with that fact otherwise this will never get easier. He feels himself start to get hot and holds in the tears that are starting to pool up in his eyes. What no one tells him about being alone is how lost you begin to feel.

     Soon enough Hillerska began to show up in his line of sight. The temptation to turn to the driver and ask him to drive back is too much. He saw Malin's entire demeanor change and he couldn't tell whether she was tense or protective - maybe a mixture of both. Before he can ask, she turns to him and reassures him, "It'll be okay, I'm right behind you". He can't bring himself to conjure up the words to thank her so he can only nod, but that seems to be enough.

     The car comes to a stop a bit too soon for his liking but there's no more running away. He can see the two photographers ready and can make out blonde hair who is no doubt, Angelica. He's glad there are not too many people and it's a fairly secluded area. He thanks the driver before following Malin out; the cold air cools him down and allows him to clear his head. He takes in a deep breath and hears Maling behind him, "right behind you kiddo". He gets the occasional "hi" here and there from passing students who don't even try to make the staring subtle. At the back of his mind, he's looking for a certain curly hair boy.

     "Good morning Wilhelm" Angelica greets him with a smile. It's very hard to make a uniform look good but Angelica looks beautiful nonetheless. The morning light is hitting her in a way that enhances her features. There's no doubt in his mind the photos will come out perfect.

     He hugs her and can already hear the shutter of the camera. "Good morning Angelica, I hope the ride over here went smoothly" he smiles at her.

     "It was, but the panic has not left my body. I couldn't even finish my breakfast this morning" she lets out a small nervous laugh.

     "That makes two of us" he reassures her, "but don't worry I'll make sure you get settled in quite nicely"

     Angelica opened her mouth as if to say something but was interrupted by one of the photographers, "can we please have you two here" She pointed to an opening for the both of them to stand in but there was a certain awkwardness between them. He was startled by Angelica's random laughing, is this the start of a panic attack he wondered. "Wilhelm you can put your hand around my waist. No need to be so formal, we just look like we're being forced to stand next to each other"

     I am.

     Both photographers nod in agreement and he has no choice but to let Angelica guide his hand onto her waist. If anything he thinks this is more awkward. He zones out for a bit, does exactly as the photographers say, and tries to act as invested as he can in what Angelica is saying. The occasional nod and small comments seem to do the job. Pretending takes more effort than he'd like to admit, it always wears him off but he does a good job at it. At least no one seems to notice how unhappy he truly feels- something he's learned to master.

     He notices Sara passing by as she waves and sends a good morning her way. That much is genuine on his part but it comes with a new worry. She's the first familiar face he's seen here and he doesn't think he's ready for more. He catches a hint of pink hair walking towards the school and that same ugly feeling from last night begins to come up. "Wilhelm, is everything okay?" he hears Angelica ask. So much for pretending.

     "Yes I'm okay no worries, just thought I saw someone that's all" He's saved from any further questions by one of the photographers who orders the both of them to look straight and smile.

      Just a bit more Wilhelm, hang in there.

     He looks straight at the camera with a smile that only lasts about 3 seconds before his breath catches. If he thought that Angelica looked beautiful, then the boy ahead of him looked ethereal.

     Simon.

    The sunlight made him look a thousand times more breathtaking than he already was. He had half a mind not to tell the two professionals in front of him to turn the camera in the opposite direction.

     He notices other students looking at Simon in a way that makes him want to shield the boy from everyone and everything. To grab his hand and make a run for it, and maybe in another world he would, but his hand stays wrapped around the girl next to him.

     "Wilhelm the camera" she whispers.

     "Sorry about that," he says.

     With one more shutter of the camera, both photographers lower their cameras, "okay I think this is enough for now, you two lovebirds better get an early start"

     We're anything but that

     He steps away from angelica and instantly tries to find Simon again.

     He must've gone inside already

     Angelica clears her throat and asks him to lead her into the room for the assembly of returning students. He notices her reaching for his hand and quickly hides it in his pocket pretending to be cold. He hopes it was subtle enough but Malin's chuckle makes him think otherwise.

    "Follow me, it's not too far," he says. Even as he leads Angelica, his eyes cannot stop wandering and looking for Simon. But even when they reach the inside of the school, there's still no sign of him. He and Angelica have basically reserved seats in the front, and he can't help but feel like he's living through this again. It's like when he first came to Hillerska, but not quite. This is where he first saw Simon, and where he called it quits with him after Erik's death. He needs to step away, and he needs to do it now. He excuses himself and makes his way towards the empty hallways trying to gather himself up. The nervous ticks begin to start and he already knows what comes next but there's no time to cry anymore. He's snapped out of his head by footsteps getting closer and almost like a switch he feigns a sense of composure. He's ready to turn around and greet whoever just walked in on his almost panic attack but no words come out.

     "Hi," Simon asks, with concern written all over his face. The sight of him alone is enough to make that false composure disappear, but there's no longer a pressure on him. He just basks in the moment and realizes just how much he's really missed that voice. Too many thoughts are running through his mind, he completely forgets to reply, and he notices Simon sighs and starts to walk away. (He never wants to watch him walk away) He turns around quickly and grabs his sleeve, "stay please" he pleads.

     He looks into Simon's eyes and follows his gaze down to where his hand is and realizes he's been holding on for a bit longer than necessary. He lets go of him gently and stands up, clearing his throat with a fake cough.

     "Hi." He feels just like he did months ago when he was first starting to get to know Simon. It's almost embarrassing to admit how nervous Simon makes him, but it's the truth.

     "Is this okay?" Simon asks.

     "Is what okay?" he replies slightly confused.

     "You talking to me"

     Of course it's okay. It will always be okay with you.

     Before he can reply, the girl from the picture interrupts them. "Si, c'mon we have to get going we're about to start"

     Si?

     "I'll be right there" he tells her.

     Please don't go

     He turns back to Wilhelm with a sad smile, "Take care" he whispers before following after the girl.

Ethereal: extremely delicate and light in a way that seems too perfect for this world. 

Chapter Text

 Winter break went by a little too quickly for Simon's liking. He turned around and shut off the blaring alarm sitting on his bedside table,

     The blaring alarm sitting on Simon's bedside table rang for a good 10 extra seconds before he turned around and put it out of its misery. Winter break went by a little too quickly for his liking. Just when things were getting to a "manageable" point regarding his feelings for Wilhelm, he now had to go back and see him every day. It's like he couldn't catch an actual break any time soon. If he was being completely honest with himself, he has no idea how to feel about seeing Wilhelm again. He can think about the boy and say his name without crying so that's some progress, he figures he can handle seeing the prince himself.

     He walks over to the restroom to get ready and is greeted with his reflection: a bad case of bed hair. Unruly curls going in every direction make him look insane. He doesn't hear his mom yelling at them to hurry up so he takes that as there being enough time to take a shower and fix his hair situation.

     As soon as the warm water hits his back, he is fully awake and running through a thousand different scenarios all related to his prince. He said he loved him, broke his heart and is now courting a girl - how does one even follow up with that?

     "I love you too, you idiot." Is that what I say?

     That useless thought is interrupted by a rapid knocking at the door that he knows can only come from Sara. "Hurry up! We're going to be late!"

     He rolls his eyes knowing she's obviously exaggerating; unless it's his mom telling him to hurry up he still has time. But even so, he finishes up and gets changed into his uniform before making his way to the kitchen where he greets his mom.

     "Buenos dias ma" (good morning mom) He stops to give her a quick kiss on the cheek.

     "Buenos Dias Simon (good morning, Simon) breakfast is on the table. Make sure you eat before you go" she smiles at him. He wasn't really in the mood to eat, but he couldn't say no to his mom. He eats as much as he can stomach and stands up making his way towards the door but he gets one the looks from his mom and realizes he has to put the dishes back in the sink. He'll never hear the end of it, and with that, he's ready to follow Sara out the door.

     He genuinely had no idea how to feel about going back. He considered transferring schools earlier in the year, but he stuck it out and made it back, but he knows this time will be different. It'll no longer be just Simon, it's Wilhelm and that beautiful girl at his side. It's like he can already feel the stares of pity or disgust; he doesn't have the title of 'prince' to protect him from all of that. He won't hide who he is, that just means letting them win, but seeing Wilhelm again, that's an entirely different story. He did enough crying to tire him out, and his hearts' strung out enough he can't imagine anything else could get to him like that anymore. He doesn't feel nervous or scared, but there's something that isn't sitting well with him - something he can't put a name on.

     One moment he's walking out the door and the next he's making his way towards the gates of the school. He doesn't register how he got from one place to the other. A recurring pattern that happens when his thoughts are occupied by Wilhelm. Simon finds it a bit pathetic just how fast he can lose track of time by simply thinking of him.

     "You have that look on your face again Simon." Sara says. Whenever he's going down the rabbit hole of useless and painful thoughts Sara says he gets a certain 'look'. He's never understood that, but he knows better than to argue with her about it.

     "I'll be okay Sara" He really will be. With or without Wilhelm, Simon knows that he'll be okay. He was fine before he met the prince and he'll be fine afterward.

     "I know Simon" Of course she does. Sometimes he thinks his sister knows him better than he knows himself. She places a reassuring hand on his arm before walking ahead of him. Most likely on her way to find Felice. For a brief second, he feels alone. Utterly and completely alone, but he does his best to push that to the side.

     One foot in front of the other Simon. You can do this.

     He redirected his focus to the present, the cold air of the morning that was quite frankly bothering him a lot more than he let on. The sun was able to provide him with some warmth but that could only do so much. He just wants to go inside as fast as he can.

     He spots Jan's pink and feels comfort wash over him. At least she's here. He makes his way over to catch up with her but the deeper into the school grounds he walks to the more he can feel the stares coming from every direction.

     You don't care what they think. You don't care what they think.

     He keeps on walking until he doesn't. Until his heart breaks all over again, in a way he thought wasn't possible anymore. He was wrong. Completely and utterly wrong: his heart has not been through the worst yet. Pictures on paper and through a screen are one thing but seeing it in real life is something entirely different. Wilhelm and Angelica are a couple of feet in front of him, looking like they both came out of some fairy tale. A fairy tale that has no place for him.

     So perfect and beautiful.

      He doesn't know if he's referring to both of them or just Wille. For some reason, he's unable to look away. Fortunately for him, Angelica catches Wilhelm's attention and whispers some words to him, probably telling him how much she loves him.

     Simon notices how Wilhelm is holding her waist and holding her in general. The hands that once touched him and made him feel beautiful and delicate are no longer for him. He sneaks one last look at Wilhelm before he really sees him.

     That smile he has on for the cameras, that's just a facade. Simon could call it out in just seconds. Worry starts to make its way inside his heart. There's no real happiness coming from Wilhelm. All the happiness and love that was depicted in those pictures he saw, there's none of that once he sees it in person. Then again maybe it is there and this is just his way of creating some false hope for them. He doesn't stick around to dwell on how Wilhelm looks or what he might be feeling, he turns around and keeps walking towards the school.

     It doesn't take him long before he finds Janine. "Took you long enough," she says, rolling her eyes, with a hint of sass in her voice.

     "Did you miss me?" he teases back with a playful smile. This is exactly how their dynamic is and it works out for him.

     She scoffs as if that was the most ridiculous thing she's heard, "You wish," she says, "come on, we get early dibs on the practice room" she takes his hand and leads them to the music room where the choir will prepare for this morning's small performance. They do this on special occasions, like having the prince enroll in their school, or when a new year starts for example. They set down their stuff and don't get to warm up much before Jan signals for a small break.

     "Something wrong Jan?" he asks. She never stops mid warmups so there must be something bothering her at the very least.

     "I should be asking you the same thing" It takes a bit longer than he would've liked to register what she meant. "Si, I'm sorry this is really abrupt, but I saw it too, both of them. I know you did too, so I can't move on to other things before hearing from you. Are you okay or not?"

     Quite frankly he's tired of hearing that same question over and over again. There's no need to be walking around eggshells around him, but a part of him is thankful for having people ask him. It keeps in check in a way. Plus, he can't be annoyed at Jan no matter how much he tries. It's all coming from her heart, so he decides to do the same, "I don't know Jan, I really don't know" It's the simplest truth there is.

     She doesn't hesitate before engulfing him in a hug. He doesn't know when it happened, but he starts to feel the tears pool at the bottom of his face. He's probably ruining Jan's uniform, but it doesn't seem like she minds. Instead, she pulls back and holds his face in her hands, looking deep into his eyes, and wipes some of his tears. He's never felt this vulnerable in front of someone since he cried to his mom, but Jan has that effect on him. There's a certain level of comfort that she radiates and that makes Simon feel like he can confide anything and everything in her.

     She pulls him into a hug once more and rubs circles on his back in an attempt to soothe him whispering word after word to him, "I'm right here Simon, you're not alone, it's okay to let it out" He doesn't know just how long he cries for but once he's gotten his bearings, he slowly pulls away. He wants to thank her but there are now words coming out at the moment. But there doesn't have to be any words for her to understand.

     "Go to the restroom and freshen up before people think I made you cry," she says half-jokingly. That's her way of bouncing back after they share moments like this.

     He splashes some water on his face and waits until the red of his eyes is no longer too noticeable. He knows he can't hide all morning in the restroom so he puts on his calm demeanor and heads back out. He instantly regrets being brave and leaving the restroom. At the other end of the hallway is prince charming himself. Something is wrong, Simon can sense it. Wilhelm's posture and the pacing, he should be inside with Angelica.

     What are you doing here?

     Simon knows he can't avoid Wilhelm forever and this is only the first of many instances. It's best if he gets it over with already and so he starts to make his way to Wille. But the closer he gets the more he can pick up on, and before he's mentally ready, Wilhelm turns around. And he's so.... miserable. His prince looks so miserable and it makes his heart hurt. He hates to see Wille like this. He decides to break the silence once its clear the other won't.

     "Hi?" he says but it comes out more sounding like a question. Nothing. Is he not worth a greeting anymore? He should've expected it, they're from two different worlds now. There's no reason for Wilhelm to respond or greet him anymore. He can't do anything about it but accept the truth so he starts to walk away until something stops him. Or someone he should say.

     A hand on his sleeve prompts him to stay in place. He looks down and realizes that Wilhelm is holding on to him, literally. "Stay please" he hears him say. He looks into Simon's eyes. Those beautiful eyes he's dreamt of almost every night. They look too tired and too sad. He can see the dark circle under his eyes and how hollow they're beginning to look. He looks thinner as well and his complexion lacks the glow that it had when he was with him.

     Have you been sleeping well? What's keeping you awake, Wille?

     Are you eating enough? What's draining you like this my love?

     He wants to ask him everything and nothing at all. It all becomes too much way too fast. He averts his gaze down to Wilhelm's hand and the prince takes it as a cue to let go. (Simon never wants him to let go)

     Wilhelm stands up a bit and clears his throat with a fake cough. If the situation was any different, Simon would find that cute. "Hi" he hears Wilhelm say back. The sound of his voice takes him aback. It's scary how quickly the sound of his voice became his favorite. He missed it so much.

     "Is this okay?" Simon asks. He thought they were no longer on speaking terms just a few minutes ago.

     "Is what okay?" Wille replies sounding confused.

     "You talking to me," he says, but before he can hear what Wille was going to say he sees Jan approach them. "Si, c'mon we have to get going we're about to start"

     The other choir students had made it to the school grounds and it was time they start preparing for the morning performance.

     "I'll be right there," he tells her. He doesn't want to leave Wille but he knows he has to. Seeing him and hearing his voice once more did something to Simon that nothing else and no one else can do. Jan can give him every bit of comfort and support but it will never compare to how he feels around the boy he loves. He turns back to look at Wille one last time and gives him a small smile, "take care" he whispers meaning it wholeheartedly.

     With a heavy heart, Simon turns and walks away. 

Chapter Text

Smooth Wilhelm. Really that couldn’t have gone any worse for you.

     He wants to chase after Simon, but isn’t able to move and just watches his back moving further and further away.  Seeing Simon stand there, it was like falling in love all over again. For a few seconds he felt like the young and naïve boy he was a year ago. He would give anything to turn back time. To hear Erik tease him one more time and to wake up to the most beautiful boy next to him, he would give up anything just to relive those memories again, even if it was for a mere few minutes. But all of that is gone. Almost as if that were another world, one that he could no longer return to. In another world he would chase after the boy he loves and have no regrets in doing so. As he makes his way back to the main room he locks eyes with Angelica and realizes that not even in this world will he have a say in his life. 

     “You're back,” she smiles “ I was afraid you’d miss the performance “ 

      He tries to put his heavy heart at rest and returns a smile, “I would never. If I’m being honest, it's one of my favorite things about coming back.” He meant to tell her this absentmindedly but he was surprised at how honest it was. This was exactly how he had first met Simon; love at first sight if you will. 

     Now that seems like a bittersweet memory, something distant and out of reach. He realizes that this is probably the best he’s going to get. Sneaking glances every now and then, having an excuse like this to openly look at Simon and take his fill before returning to his stoic self. 

     The room starts to go quiet as the choir students start making their way to the front and his eyes instantly go to Simon. There’s no words in the dictionary to describe how his presence alone makes him feel. He didn’t think it was humanly possible to hurt this way but he’s unable to tear his eyes away. If he could, he would replay Simon’s singing over and over again and never get tired of it. It almost scares him just how much he’s capable of feeling. 

     It all ends too fast for his liking. He continues to clap, not bothering to wipe away the few tears he feels rolling down his cheek. Everyone is too busy to notice something as insignificant as his emotions. He finds solace in Simon's presence alone knowing that from now on that is the only thing he will get from this place. 

     He wants nothing more than to leave and take a breath of fresh air, but nothing is ever easy. He’s pulled left and right with Angelica introducing her to their peers before finally leaving the rest of the students to give her a tour of the school grounds. He hates to admit it but throughout the entire morning, deep down, he keeps wishing to bump into Simon once again. His yearning heart would be satisfied with something as simple as a glimpse of Simon’s curls or the sound of his voice. 

     Who he does see is the unknown girl who was accompanying Simon earlier, and something akin to jealousy starts to make its way into his heart. He knows he has no right to feel any type of jealousy considering what he’s done to Simon, but he can’t help it. Not when it comes to Simon. 

     “Everything okay Wilhelm?,” he hears Angelica ask at his side. If it wasn't for the tugging on his arm he’s not sure he would’ve been paying attention to her at this moment. 

     “Everything's fine, just got lost in thought that’s all.” he replies hoping she does not ask any follow up questions. Judging from her expression she seems to buy his excuse. 

     “We should probably start heading back then, I’d hate to be late for my first class of the day.” 

     “Of course, but don’t be too nervous, most of the time the first few days back the teacher’s are lenient enough to allow you to adjust and overall go easy on us.” he reassures her. 

     “I can’t imagine not having you here for this, thank you so much again.”  The way she speaks to him is too sweet and too kind, he wishes he could just be honest with her. 

     “No need to thank me Angelica. I’m here if you need anything.” Despite all the ugly feelings inside of him, he finds himself genuinely meaning what he’s told her. 

Chapter Text

       Simon has never found it this hard to avoid looking at a certain person but this time it seems almost impossible not to lock eyes with Wilhelm. He finds it funny just how far away a person can feel despite being in the same room. He wants nothing more than to grab his hand and take him away even if it's only for a few minutes. Their conversation in the hallway was too short and too vague. He wants to hold Wilhelm and listen to his voice for hours, to hold him and make sure he gets the sleep he probably hasn't been getting. They had only been away for a couple of weeks but he could immediately sense there was something wrong with Wille. Something that is weighing him down and Simon wanted nothing more than to be there for him, but it's been made clear that's not his place anymore.

        Before he knows it, the choir is finished and he feels himself be ushered to the side by Jan. As he prepares to exit the room he sneaks a single glance towards a certain prince and feels his heart break at the sight. The silent tears that fall from Wilhelm's eyes have Simon stop in his tracks, and the fact that no one else seems to notice or offer any consolation makes him unbelievably angry. He's seconds away from marching up to Wilhelm himself and wiping his tears in front of everyone if he has to, but stops himself once he sees the blonde regain his composure and start to play the role of Prince Wilhelm once again. Not being able to bear witness to this, he turns around and makes way towards one of the empty classrooms. He can hear footsteps follow him, and without turning around he knows it's Jan right behind him. On most days like these he would rather deal with all this alone, but today he appreciates the company of another.

      He stands by the window waiting for Jan to join his side and looks out to the courtyard listening to the sound of the other students laughing, the chatter of their conversations, feeling like that's an entirely different world he will never be a part of. He can feel his face start to heat up and the tears that threaten to fall. In the end it's the feeling of Jan's hands patting his back that do it for him, and he lets it all out. It takes him a few minutes to calm down and turns to his friend, who is probably waiting for an explanation.

      "You don't have to tell me if you don't want Simon. You know that right?" He can only nod at her before telling her everything.

      "I thought I'd be used to all this by now," he says, gesturing to their surroundings, "you know" He sees the slight confusion in Jan's eyes before continuing. " I always feel like they have their own world that I'll never be allowed to enter. I don't have mommy and daddy's money to go to all these fancy places over break. They look at me like I am an inconvenience to them and I can do nothing about it." It's at these words that realization dawns on Jan's face.

      "Oh Simon, this is more than just Wilhelm isn't it?" The sadness in her voice only makes him feel worse because it only validates his emotions more.

      "I thought I was making it all up in my head but I'm clearly not. Not when everyone else I talk to that isn't rich or white, can agree with every single thing I say Jan. I thought I would be used to all of this by now, but every time I go away for a while and then return, it's like I'm back to square one. I feel so out of place and angry. Angry at the fact that they do not even acknowledge the privilege they have and instead continue on with their lives as ignorant as they want to be. I'm angry at the way some of them look at me when I speak Spanish. It's days like these that I want to leave and never come back. If it weren't for my scholarship Jan, I think I would've left ages ago."

      " I know that exact feeling Simon. Trust me."

      "There's nothing wrong with being Latino and gay Jan, so why is it that some of them make me feel like its something to be ashamed of? It's just who I am."

      "There's nothing to be ashamed of Simon. If anything, those who are ignorant and small minded should be the ones to feel ashamed. I promise you Si, there's nothing wrong with being who you are. Existing in a place like this, where no one really looks like you or shares your language is tough but you're a strong guy and I know you always put one foot in front of the other, and that's what matters the most. Don't let them take that away from you." She doesn't know when she started to cry too but something about Simon's words hit home for her as well. She knows these feelings all too well.

      "You know Jan, in a way I feel like Wilhelm and I were doomed from the start. Putting aside that I'm also a guy, I don't share that type of status or money. I don't have extravagant stories to exchange over dinner and I don't have certain privileges because I'm not white." Simon can't place a finger on what exactly triggered all of this. He's become adjusted to this world, it's been some time since he's been thrown into it, but sometimes it becomes too much and the facade of the strong and unbothered guy just breaks. He'd rather have someone or something he can blame for triggering all these feelings but he knows that it always creeps up on him when he's least expecting it.

      "Simon, you know Wilhelm is not like that."

      "I know he's not Jan, but too many people are. They would rather see that girl next to him than bear the thought of him being next to me." He hates to say it out loud because it means it's true but there's no going back. Ever since that video of them was leaked, nothing can ever go back to how it was. Instead he just lets Jan hold him for the time being. It wasn't his intention to make her cry but he figures there's nothing wrong with crying every once in a while with a friend.

      "You know Si, I think you two would have made a perfect couple. To hell with the expectations of others." He turns to face her and can't help but let out a small laugh.

      "You're an amazing friend Jan, you know that?" Simon is rarely this vulnerable around others but something about having Janine besides him makes him feel like he can tell her everything.

      "I try my best," she smiles at him.

      "Jan?" Simon calls out.

      "Yes Si?"

      "Is it possible to be there for someone without actually physically being there?" He can't bring himself to ask this directly but knows that Jan will understand regardless.

      "Is it possible to be there for Wilhelm without actually physically being next to him?"

      "Yeah" Sure enough she got it.

      "I'm not sure honestly." she says. If he's being honest he can't tell either.

      "He looked so different Jan, it was like it was a ghost of him standing in front of me earlier. He looked so miserable and all I wanted to do was just hide him away from everyone and make sure he gets all the love and care he deserves."

      "I'll admit that the face he puts up for others can't compare to how he looks at you Simon. Trust me, it was so easy to tell he loves you just as much as you love him. For what it's worth, I'm still rooting for you two."

      "Then I'm sorry to disappoint Jan" He knows that there's no future for them, so why give himself false hope.

       "Want to bet on it?" He can hear the teasing in her voice and can only laugh at her words. He notices the rest of the students starting to head back and takes that as their cue to start heading back to their classes. He takes a minute to mentally prepare himself before Jan drags him out of the room. He can't help but wonder just how long he can avoid Wilhelm for. 

Chapter Text

 Shortly after venting to Jan, they both went to their own classrooms before they were marked as tardy. With one last deep breath he makes his way over to his seat without acknowledging the staring and the whispers from his classmates. He was expecting it but a part of him was never ready. He’s not usually one to keep his gaze down, to be quiet when he needs to speak out but today he does not have it in him to deal with them. 

It was the abrupt silence that made him look up, thinking that maybe his teacher, Mr.Barlow, finally showed up. But apparently he couldn't actually avoid Wilhelm for as long as he thought since he was standing just a few feet away from him once more. His eyes immediately met Wille’s for what felt like an eternity until he looked away and made his way towards a seat. Of course he would have to see him first thing in the morning every day. Because if there’s one thing he has is shitty luck.

He must’ve been cursing his luck a little too hard because he didn’t register where exactly Wilhelm was going. It all happened too fast for Simon to register the fact that Wilhelm was walking towards him. Towards the empty chair besides him to be more specific, or it could be the empty seats behind him. But that second thought was crushed after Wilhelm pulled on the chair next to Simon. With some clear hesitation and caution, as if he was careful of not scaring Simon away.

Simon on the other hand was holding his breath and trying to wrap his head around the fact that Wilhelm was dumb enough to actually sit next to him. He refuses to acknowledge the part of him that felt happiness at having Wille next to him, knowing this is the closest they can ever get from now on. 

He can feel Wilhelm’s glances accompanied with a soft “hey”.  Simon doesn’t have a choice but to force an awkward smile as a response. Not fully trusting his voice not to break, but it seems Wille does not pick up on this, “That was a beautiful performance this morning,” he continues.

Simon can see a slight blush making its way to Wilhelm’s face. He finds that more endearing than he’d like to admit. He hates how much he loves the soft sound of his voice when talking to him. He refuses to allow himself to feel anything good lately and makes a mental note to talk to Jan about it later. 

He utters a small “thank you” but it somehow feels inadequate. Even if it is just polite small talk Simon takes whatever he can get because he’s young and in love with someone he can never be with, and if this is how their exchanges are going to be from now on the least he could do is play along. “I’m glad you liked it” he says, trying to meet Wilhelm’s expecting eyes.

He hopes at least their casual small talk will get better because as of now it was a little too awkward knowing that many things were left unsaid between them. 

Thankfully, their teacher finally walks in and Simon had never been more grateful to see him more than at this moment. If it weren't for the interruption he might’ve actually started talking to Wilhelm about the weather. He fights the urge to cringe at the thought. They all stand and greet the man before settling back into their seats. Mr.Barlow wastes no time in getting his lecture started and Simon tries his best to pay attention but it's just a futile attempt at this point. Wilhelm is too much a distraction, even though he's the one who’s actually following the lecture. 

Simon can retain bits of information here and there but then gets sidetracked by accidental touch from the boy next to him,or the way that he runs his hand through his hair making Simon think of how soft it felt the last time he did the same thing. Time was moving too slowly, and Wilhelm’s presence right next to him was only becoming more and more suffocating. This was the closest thing to torture for Simon. He needed to get away and collect himself because it was becoming too much. The accidental eye contact between the two of them did nothing to help his situation.

The bell signals the end of this class and he rushes to grab his stuff and get away as fast as possible but before he’s able to make a run for the door he feels a tug on his sleeve just like earlier that same morning. He doesn’t need to look to know it’s Wilhelm. On the second tug he admits defeat and turns around. He doesn’t have it in him to remove Wille’s hand and instead gives him an expectant look.

  Wilhelm realizes he’s still holding onto Simon and lets go slowly. “Sorry I don’t mean to take too much of your time but,” Wille pauses for a second trying to find the right words, “it's okay for us to talk like this.”

Simon’s confusion must’ve been too obvious because Wille rushes to explain, “earlier you asked me if it was okay for us to be seen together talking but you left before I could tell you.” This was not exactly what Simon was expecting. Before he can think of what to say Wilhelm clears his throat and shifts his gaze back to Simon once more. 

“ I know this is a little late but happy new year’s Simon” he gives him a small smile before heading out, leaving Simon a bigger mess than he already was. He knew they needed to talk eventually and not just exchange pleasantries with each other, but it was impossible to even get a word out. He barely got done with his first class and it already feels like this is such a long day. He touches the same spot Wilhelm held before making his way out. 

***

It felt like an eternity before he was able to catch up with Janine at the end of day. She refused to let him go before talking to him about how today went. Apparently word got around of his and Wilhelm’s interactions because if there’s one thing people love to point out its two classmates sitting next to each other. Jan found it amusing how much he was downplaying what she’d say was the love story of a lifetime. 

“Okay let me get this straight, the prince, his highness of Hillerska,” he can’t help but snort at Janine’s words. “I don't think it works like that Jan” he says but it falls on deaf ears as she continues. “just casually sat next to you in class and kept clinging on to you like some lost puppy?” Janine repeats back to Simon. 

“He’s not a lost puppy, he’s probably just tired, and he was not clinging to me” he made sure to emphasize that last part. 

“Are you actually blind or something Simon”

When he stays quiet she decides to really drive the point home, “Every time I glanced his way he was looking at you Si. Like some Jane Austin type of pining, you know?”

“Jane- What? Jan, you’re looking into this way too much.” But deep down he knew she was right. He wouldn’t use those exact words but he noticed because he would also steal glances to look at Wille. It was impossible not to. He’d tense up under Wilhelm’s gaze without meaning to. He didn’t know how he would manage to make it through the entire year like this when a single day was already draining enough.