Archive of Our Own ^beta

Before Rafael, Sonny never cared what covers he put on his bed, whatever was clean and fit was thrown on. His job didn’t leave time to fuss over matching pillowcases or bedsheets. Hell, all he did was sleep in them before leaving for work. But on one Sunday morning when neither Rafael nor Sonny had to work and Sonny was able to lay in bed and watch as Rafael’s chest rose and fell softly against bright white sheets – Sonny swore that every time Rafael shared his bed it was going to be donned in white.

The recent bout of sun had turned Rafael’s skin olive and the contrast of his skin against white sheets was something Sonny never would forget. Sonny isn’t even sure why the sight makes his mouth go dry, but the next time Sonny arrives in the Squad room, Rafael already there in a white shirt, Sonny has to splash cold water on his face until he cools back down.

It’s another Sunday when Sonny wakes to the rays of the sun shining through a crack in the curtains. Rafael’s skin a stark contrast against the white sheets and Sonny can’t resist running the tips of his fingers along Rafael’s forearm as it rests on the duvet.

“Coffee…”

Sonny snorts out a laugh.

“Is that all you think about?”

Rafael’s eyelashes flutter before tired eyes squint at Sonny.

“Bring me coffee and I might be able to think of something else.”

Sonny smiles and slides over Rafael, pushing himself up until he rests on his forearms above the older man.

“Are you sure about that?”

Rafael grins lazily, lifting his head up just enough to brush his lips over Sonny’s before collapsing back against the pillow.

“Absolutely.”

Before Sonny can tell Rafael that he’s a tease, his phone vibrates against the wood of his bedside cabinet, his ringtone playing loudly. Resting his forehead against Rafael’s for a moment before sliding back over to his side of the bed to grab his phone, he answers without even checking the caller ID.

“Hello?”

“Good morning, darling,”

Sonny’s eyes snap wide open, Rafael watching him with a keen interest. “Ma? Is everything alright?”

“Everything’s fine I just thought I’d make sure you were up, Theresa said you had the day off, so your father and I thought we’d pop into the city and catch up. It’s been a while since we’ve seen you.”

Sonny feels a spike of panic run through him. He and Rafael have been together almost seven months and in those seven months Sonny had not said a word to any of his family that not only was he dating - but dating a man. The thought of his mother and father showing up to find Sonny in bed with another man is not the way he thought he’d come out. In fact, until this exact moment he hadn’t even considered his family finding out.

Sonny knows that the idea of never coming out to them is idiotic and completely unrealistic but for the first time in his life he feels truly happy. Starting a relationship with Rafael was the best thing he ever did. But it would also be stupid to think that his mother would be happy for him. He’s not ready to destroy that feeling of happiness.

“Sonny?”

“Sorry ma, I’ve just woke up, still a bit tired. How about I meet you at our usual spot for some early lunch?”

“That sounds lovely, son, we’ll be there in an hour. Love you Sonny,”

“Love you too, ma.”

Sonny hangs up the phone, Rafael’s eyes burning into the back of his head.

“Your parents don’t know about me, do they?”

“What makes you say that?” Sonny doesn’t mean to sound so defensive but he’s panicking.

Rafael doesn’t even need to say anything, he stares at Sonny until Sonny can’t stand it anymore.

“No, no one does.”

Sonny see’s Rafael flinch at his words and immediately regrets saying them, but he won’t lie to Rafael.

Rafael closes his eyes.

“Are you going to tell them about us?”

It’s Sonny’s turn to remain silent. Rafael sits up, turning away from Sonny to place his feet on the floor. His head hanging, his shoulders tense.

“I promised I wouldn’t do this to myself again.”

Sonny doesn’t like the way Rafael is talking.

“Do what?”

“Be someone’s dirty secret.”

“You’re not,” Sonny climbs over to Rafael’s side of the bed, turning Rafael to face him.

“I don’t doubt that you care for me, I won’t force you to come out to your parents… but I also won’t let myself get hurt like this again.”

“I’ll tell them, I promise… just not yet. I don’t want to lose you.”

Rafael takes Sonny’s hands from his neck; he kisses the insides of his wrists before standing up and starting to dress.

Sonny starts to panic, thinking Rafael is leaving him. Rafael finishes dressing but he sits back down on the bed instead of heading towards the door. He takes Sonny’s hand in his own, thumb stroking back and forth across the skin.

“I don’t want to lose you either, if you need time, I’ll give it but don’t make me regret it. I’ve done this before and it’s always me that ends up getting hurt the most.”

Rafael’s gaze meet Sonny’s, a haunted look that crosses behind his eyes makes Sonny promise to tell his parents sooner rather than later.

Sonny leans forward kissing Rafael softly but firmly, “Soon, I promise I’ll tell them soon.”

Sonny goes out to lunch with his parents. His promise to Rafael rings in his ears but he can’t bring himself to even start to tell them. His mother makes comment about the waiter wearing eyeliner and earrings – things that mean absolutely nothing, but to her are flashing indicators of who he spends his nights with. Sonny wants to correct her, to stop her flinching when the poor man puts the drinks on the table.

When they leave Sonny leaves a large tip, the only thing he can think of to compensate the way his mother reacted to the waiter. Sonny tells himself that another day would be better to tell her.

He knows he’s lying to himself, there will never be a good day. Eventually, he’ll just have to bite the bullet, but he can’t bring himself to do it today.

The weeks pass, most of his weekends are spent in Staten Island at birthday parties for his sisters, his nieces, it’s a busy time of year in his family. Rafael doesn’t come with him to any of them.

When they see each other, they don’t talk about it. Sonny doesn’t talk about his family if he can help it but when he does the conversation is strained.

Keeping his two lives separate gets harder and harder until his luck runs out – it’s another Sunday.

Sonny’s skin burns where Rafael glides the tips of his fingers underneath his shirt down his chest and stomach. Sonny walks him backwards to the bedroom. Undoing Rafael’s shirt buttons until the shirt hangs open and he pushes Rafael back on to the bed.

He follows him down, capturing his lips in another kiss as Rafael grasps his hips and pulls them down to meet his own.

Someone knocks at the front door.

“You going to get that?” Rafael teases, his hands sliding down to Sonny’s ass, his jeans doing nothing to stop the sensation of heat from Rafael’s hands.

“They’ll go away,” Sonny mouths down to Rafael’s neck biting gently.

“Sonny! It’s mum, I know you’re home, the doorman said he saw you come up.”

Sonny and Rafael freeze. They meet each other’s gaze and Rafael is staring at Sonny wondering what they are going to do.

If Sonny was thinking more clearly maybe he would have made a better decision. Looking back he knows he could have and should have dealt with it better but that’s the benefit of hindsight.

Rafael must have known what Sonny was about to say and the shutters go down around him. His every instinct telling him that what Sonny is about to say will hurt and he withdraws himself from his lovers arms.

Sliding out from under him on the bed he re-buttons his shirt, fixes his hair and grabs his clothes from the living room.

“Raf-

“You promised, you said you’d tell her soon… it’s been weeks Sonny. Hell, almost three months. We’ve almost been together for a year – a year and they don’t even know you’re seeing anyone.”

“I haven’t had a chance, it’s not exactly easy to tell her, she’s not okay with others being gay, how do you think she’s going to react to me.” Sonny tries to rationalise, but Rafael is having none of it.

“I know it’s hard, my mother found out I was gay in the nineties, she didn’t speak to me for a long time. But I told her because by not telling her I was hiding one of the most important things about me.

“Every time you don’t tell her, you hurt yourself. You know how it feels, you must do.”

Sonny does know. Ignoring the part of himself that was attracted men for a long time he thought was the best thinking for him, but meeting Rafael, embracing that part of himself felt better than anything. For once he felt like he was free to be who he was meant to be.

He can’t imagine how freeing it would be to finally stop hiding it from his family. But then they’d know, and he already knows they won’t be happy for him, won’t be proud of him for coming out, for accepting himself. Sonny remembers the way they’ve talked about and treated gay people around them, to have that directed at him. He doesn’t think he could bare it.

“I can’t…”

“Then neither can I.”

Sonny’s head snaps up, “What are you saying?”

“I told you before, I won’t be a dirty secret again, you won’t tell them then fine, now you don’t have to.”

“That’s it? Just like that, we’re over?” Sonny can’t believe it’s come to this.

“Don’t do that, don’t put this on me. I love you, you know that… And if you love me then you won’t make me live like this, like we’re something you’re ashamed of."

Rafael sighs regretting his harsh tone, but the ache in his heart isn't making this conversation any easier.

“Take your mother out to lunch, I’ll be gone by the time you’re back.”

Sonny wants to argue, but his mother knocks on the door again and he knows nothing he could say will change Rafael’s mind. The only thing that will save them is by telling his mother. He closes his bedroom door, Rafael standing by the window, not looking at him. Sonny opens the front door the words on his tongue… but he can’t. He takes her out for lunch and then for a walk-through central park.

Rafael’s gone when he gets back, every little thing he’s ever left behind: cuff links, tie pins, even his special coffee he drinks religiously in the morning. Everything to show that Rafael was ever here is gone.

Sonny changes the white sheets off his bed, the memories and images in his head hurting far too much. He stuffs them in black bags and throws the down the rubbish shoot and crawls into bed – crying himself asleep.