Chapter Text
Summer, 2021
Clarke has been staring at the letter for four hours.
She has had it for even longer – it showed up in her mailbox three days ago and she’s been holding onto it ever since.
She was sure to burn a hole through it anytime soon. Still, she can’t seem to bring herself to open it. She knows when she does, it’s over.
This is Lexa’s way of saying goodbye. Of telling her she’s not coming back, even though she promised that whatever they did, they would do it together. Even though she promised she wouldn’t leave.
But of couse she did.
And Clarke couldn’t blame her. Really, who would ever want to watch the woman they love raise a child with someone else? If she was being honest, Lexa should’ve left her long ago. She should’ve let her go long ago. But in that moment, the moment everything changed, she had selfishly begged her no to leave.
And Lexa, sweet, kind, loving Lexa, promised her she wouldn’t.
But she did.
Eventually, it all became too hard for her and Clarke’s selfish pleas have now made her break that promise, and she hates it.
It’s her fault.
This letter is the culmination of all the wrong choices she’s made and she has no one to blame but herself. It was always inevitable. But then again, so were them. Lexa had said so many times. And she knew.
From the moment they met in that warm January afternoon, she knew, deep down in her gut, when her eyes met those sparkling green ones.
When they danced for the first time, she knew.
When she kissed her, really kissed her, for the first time, she knew.
Even when she denied it, she knew.
From every small touch, from the way Lexa always went out of her way to make sure she was okay, from the way she held her so tenderly, from the way she always felt like home when she was with her, she knew.
She always knew, and she was done for since the very beginning.
She sighs and places her hand over her bump when she feels the baby slightly kick. Maybe even the baby can feel her distress.
Well, not maybe. It definitely can. It’s been three weeks since Lexa left and Clarke has done everything in her power to stay afloat the pain that has been desperately trying to creep its way into her bones, mostly for the baby. She thinks she has managed well, until the letter came, that is.
She sighs again, feeling the weight of the inevitability of it all falling heavy on her shoulders, and reaches for the letter “Okay baby, let’s do this.” She says, caressing her bump.
The white silky envelope has only her name written in pretty, cursive letters in the back and no return address. Clearly, Lexa doesn’t want her to reach her. Doesn’t want Clarke to stop this.
This really is goodbye.
She opens the envelope and unfolds the piece of paper, letting her eyes finally scan the dreadful words written in Lexa’s all too perfect handwriting.
Dear Clarke,
I know you’ve been asking about me.
***
January, 2021
“Okay so which one of you is gonna join me for my morning run?” Lexa casually asks, leaning into the space between the driver and the passenger’s seat, shooting a questioning look towards her friends as they approach her house.
She always asks, even though she is completely aware that none of her friends would ever join her. They’re too lazy for that, except maybe for Lincoln, but he has his own training routine.
So she amusedly watches awkward looks being exchanged before the pair sitting in the front seats of the car start to speak together, excuses stumbling upon each other’s.
“You run too early, Lex...” Lincoln starts while pulling on the sidewalk.
“You know I’m not a sports person” Echo, who is sitting beside Lincoln in the passenger’s seat, is quick to dismiss.
“What about you, Cos?” Lexa turns her head to stare at her friend who has been sitting quietly by her side and shoots her a hopeful smile.
“Well...” Costia pauses for a brief second before answering “you run too early and you know I’m not a sports person, babe.”
Immediately, a unison protest comes from the front seats as Lincoln and Echo try to reclaim their excuses as their own “Ugh, you all suck” Lexa groans as she steps out of the car, closing the door behind her.
Soon after, Costia pokes her own body out of the window and tugs the brunette by the neck, pulling her into a wet and dirty kiss.
“Hey, wrap it up you horndogs” Lincoln shouts, pressing the honk and quickly breaking the PDA.
“Bye, lover” Costia shoots her a dirty smile and wipes the corner of her mouth with her index finger while Lincoln drives away.
Lexa simply waves at them while taking a sip of the melting chocolate milkshake in her hand.
She was never one to make public the foundation of her relationship with Costia, who was her best friend but also so much more than that, but the girl was never shy when it came to showing others just how intimate their friendship was.
Lexa wasn’t sure if her friend was trying to mark her territory or was just deeply affectionate. Either way, she didn’t mind.
Still savoring the effects of the kiss, she is just a about to head inside her house when something – or rather someone – catches her attention. Amused by the sight of the rather beautiful blonde woman struggling with the task of picking up boxes from the back of an SUV, she slowly makes her way towards her and stops just a few feet away, quietly studying the woman.
When their eyes finally meet, Lexa can practically feel the ground sink beneath her feet and it suddenly becomes a little harder to breathe. The blonde is, by far, the most beautiful person she has ever seen and Lexa decides right there and then that she is definitely the owner of the prettiest, bluest eyes on the planet.
Their depth reminds her of the ocean, a place which she loves very much, but they are also bright and clear like the sky on a sunny day.
Strands of blonde, disheveled hair fall around her face and remind Lexa of the soothing yellow only seen at sunrises and sunsets, a beauty mark just above her lip that seems to balance every other feature on her face. Body curves that make Lexa immediately want to trail her hands and kiss every inch of her skin.
The attraction is immediate and, even though the woman looks tired, with soft dark circles under her eyes, Lexa is still completely struck by her beauty.
She simply stares at the woman, probably longer than the appropriate amount of time and most definitely causes some discomfort because the next second the woman is smoothly clearing her throat and immediatly bringing her out of her hypnotic state.
“Do you need anything?” The woman asks, the soft and husky tone of her flooding Lexa’s ears like a fucking song.
God, she sounds good too.
“Hi. Sorry” Lexa immediately toys with the onyx stone silver ring in her middle finger, a habit she had picked up as a kid whenever she was nervous “Are you moving into the Forrester’s house?”
“I think I am” The woman simply raises the box in her hands, as if it was too obvious.
“Hi. I already said that...” Lexa mutters awkwardly “Sorry. Um, I’m Lexa. I’m your neighbour.”
She gives the woman her best warm, welcoming smile, still in awe of her, extending her hand faster than it takes her brain to process the fact that the woman is still holding a box in her hands and immediately curses at her idiotic self.
Much to her surprise, the woman puts down the box and grabs her hand anyway and Lexa revels in the softness and delicacy of her touch and how it feels against her own hard and calloused one, a consequence of years of training and weight lifting.
“Cool ring.” The blonde holds onto her hand a little longer than necessary, seemingly analyzing the piece of jewelry in her finger. The ring wasn’t too big nor too small, it was just the right size, fitting her long slender fingers just perfectly.
“Thanks.”
“Nice to meet you Lexa, I’m Clarke.” The woman finally lets go of her hand.
“Like Clark Kent?” She asks, eyebrows shooting up in surprise. That was certainly an unusual name for a woman.
“No, more like Arthur C.”
“Oh. Still cool, though. Clarke with an E. A little unsual for a woman.”
“I am a bit unusual.” The blonde shrugs.
Lexa thinks she likes her already “So, Clarke,” She tests name on her lips, tongue clicking on the ‘k’. It was unnecessary but she enjoyed the way it rolled out of her tongue with ease “do you need any help with those boxes?”
“Thank you for offering but I think I’m good.”
“Are you sure?” She trails the drop of sweat falling off the woman’s forehead with her eyes “C’mon, I’m an athlete. Put me to good use.” Lexa cringes immediately when she utters the words. Damn, she sounds like a jock.
Clarke bites her bottom lip for a split second, seemingly contemplating on accepting or declining the offer and Lexa finds it extremely adorable – and sexy. In the end, it seems like exhaustion won “Okay. If you insist, I think I could use some strong muscles to help me carry some of the heavy weights.”
Lexa smiles, takes one last sip of her milkshake, dumps the cup in the trash can and proceeds to grab a box that was labeled ‘books’, wanting to spare Clarke, who looks more tired now than she did a few seconds ago, of having to carry it and also to show off her strength – but she would never admit that last part out loud.
They both head inside and Clarke is quick to set aside her own box and lead Lexa to the office in the back of the house “Wow. That thing is really big” Lexa says after entering the office and finding herself standing in front of a giant bookshelf that covers the floor all the way up to the ceiling. She turns to look at Clarke, who is standing by her side “Guess I’m carrying its contents?”
Clarke nods with a smile “My husband’s a professor at the university. Lots of boring books.”
The mention of a significant other hits Lexa in the gut like a train running a thousand miles per hour. She was suddenly thankful that she was still carrying the box of books, the weight of it slightly distracting her from the drop of her stomach that she was pretty sure could be heard from the other side of the country.
“Polis U?” She asks, trying to hide the disappointment at the newly discovered information. Here she is, casually flirting with a married woman. Fool.
“Yeah, why?”
“I go to Polis.” She shrugs.
“Really? What’s your major?”
“See, that’s when things about me start to get boring” She puts down the box and gives Clarke a hopeless smile “I’m a law student”.
“Well, Finn just got hired by the law department so I think you would get along just fine with him and these boring books” Clarke points with her head to the half empty bookshelf.
“You’re probably not wrong” Lexa admits, altough the thought of getting along fine with the husband of the woman she had been thirsting about for the last thirty minutes makes her scrunch her nose in disgust for a moment. If Clarke notices it, she doesn’t say.
“How are you an athlete and a law student?” Clarke asks after a moment. Her voice sounds curious and she shoots Lexa a pensive look “I mean, aren’t those things like, paradoxical or something?”
“Not when you’re on a soccer scholarship.”
“Ah, that makes sense. It’s fascinating. You’re an athlete and a law student. You’re an... athorney” Clarke smiles at her and looks really proud of her work in producing a nickname for Lexa – a conjunction of athlete and attorney.
“Wow, Clarke. That was... terrible” They both burst out a laugh because it really was a terrible nickname “Seriously? Athorney? C’mon, you can do better than that.”
“Just give me some time, I’ll figure something out.” Clarke promises “You are one of a kind, Lexa.”
“I promise you I’m not” She pauses for a second “What about you, Clarke?”
“I’m a doctor. Also just hired by Polis U Hospital.”
“Wow. I never would’ve guessed. Aren’t doctors supposed to be really old?” Lexa teases.
“I haven’t told you my age yet. You might be surprised, I could be like sixty and just really well preserved” Clarke jokes “I’ll tell you what: for each box you help me carry, miss Lawthlete,” She shoots Lexa a questioning look, who just shakes her head in response to the even worse nickname “I’ll give you a fact about me.”
“Challenge accepted but... can we go back to athorney? I mean this last one was just awful.”
Clarke jokingly punches her in the arm while they laugh again “C’mon, stop making fun of my nicknames and help carry the boxes” She says as they walk back to the car.
“Lawthlete” Lexa lets out yet another laugh “It just rolls out of the tongue, doesn’t it?”
“It’s like mathlete but with law. It’s genius. I’m a genius.”
“You’re a dork.”
“Oh, shut up” Clarke laughs too while Lexa picks up another box.
The afternoon goes by with Lexa helping her new friend, Clarke Griffin, move into her new home.
They chat about law school and med school, about how Lexa dropped out of a two year architecture major to go into law and about how Clarke had recently just ended her residency and Polis U Hospital was the only place that would hire a first year attending. She learns that Clarke is a trauma surgeon.
She also finds out that Clarke isn’t really that old, only just turning 26, making her just five – soon to be four – years older than Lexa.
By the time they finish unpacking, between stories, jokes and mutual teasing, they’re both starving. Clarke – who had insisted on paying Lexa back for her help with lots of food – explains that she doesn’t have an oven to cook dinner and instead orders them a mozzarella pizza.
“So, when is your first day at the hospital?” Lexa asks, putting down the crust of her slice back into the box.
“It was... a week ago, I think. I don’t know, I’ve been working since I got here and I kinda lost track of time. I’m literally just coming out of a 72 hours shift.”
“Shit, really?”
“Yeah. You are actually getting the full premium experience of post 72 hour shift, sleep deprived doctor Griffin.”
“You haven’t slept in three days? Well, now I’m concerned for your health, Clarke.” Lexa furrows her brows.
Now that they were sitting so close, backs against the seats of Clarke’s couch, she could really see the exhaustion on the blonde’s face.
“Don’t worry. I’ve got some... decent naps in on-call rooms. And tonight I’ll probably just get another decent nap on my not so decent couch.” Clarke gently pats the couch.
“You don’t even have a bed to sleep in?”
“There was a delay with my moving. I brought the things I could fit into the car and bought this couch out of desperation. It was on sale. Everything is coming up Griffin, as you can see.”
“I have a bed” Lexa blurts out without thinking. Only when the words had already come out of her mouth that she realizes the offer might not have sounded the way she wanted it to – or maybe it did.
“Jeez, don’t rub it in my face” Clarke doesn’t seem to notice the slip, nor the blush that has suddenly taken residence on Lexa’s cheeks.
“I mean I have a room” The confusion on Clarke’s face only grows. Not good, Lexa “I mean a spare room, in my house. It was my sister’s. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind.” Jesus, what had gotten into her? Get it together, you idiot.
“I appreciate the offer, Lexa” Clarke gives her a kind smile “But I’m good on the couch. I’m barely ever home anyway.”
Lexa decides not to insist. It probably isn’t a good idea given that she might accidentally throw herself onto Clarke in the middle of the night. “Okay” She nods instead “Well, I should get going. It’s kinda late.”
“What? It’s friday.”
“Yeah but I run, like really early.”
“On a Saturday?” Clarke asks, her reaction as shocked as if Lexa was telling her that she was going to lift a truck with one arm.
“It’s part of my training.” Lexa explains.
“Oh so you’re the creep that runs around the neighbourhood at six in the morning.”
“Have you been stalking me, Clarke?” Lexa teases.
“No, but I might have watched you a couple times” Clarke shoots her a guilty look, like she was just caught doing something illegal “No TV, remember?”
“Right. Well, you’re more than welcome to join me.”
“That’s never gonna happen. But I will send you supportive thoughts from the warmth of my couch, though.”
“I appreciate that” Lexa gives her a smile while lifting herself off the floor “I do have to go, though”.
“Thank you again” Clarke also pushes herself off the floor and says while they both walk towards the front door “Oh wait, you forgot your friend” She quickly walks back to the couch and picks up the napkin Lexa had folded into a goose before they ate the pizza.
“It’s okay, you keep him.”
“Oh thank you. I’ll keep him safe.” Clarke smiles ate her so beautifully and Lexa can do nothing but return that beautiful, time stopping, earth shattering smile, ground sinking smile.
“Goodnight, Clarke.”
“Goodnight, Lexa.”
And then she turns around, leaving the blonde standing on the front door.