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Chapter Text

Wilbur studied the man sat across from him. Quackity was short and mean—he often reminded Wilbur of an ill-tempered chihuahua—he always wore a beanie to cover his black hair of indeterminate length, and he had a fresh scar across his face that Wilbur liked to imagine came from a student with a machete. He might’ve been attractive if it weren’t for his 24/7 scowl.

Quackity’s office matched his personality perfectly. It was austere to say the least. Everything was grey or white, and there were no pictures or personal items. Just a desk, some chairs, three filing cabinets, and a bookshelf full of such interesting books as ‘Reconceptualizing Compulsory Early Childhood Education’, ‘Professionalizing Approaches to Non-Traditional Education’, and ‘The Stages of Youth: A Kantian Approach’. Wilbur felt painfully bored just reading the titles.

“It is, and I cannot stress this enough, the second week of school.” Quackity said with a little more scowl than usual.

Wilbur sighed. “I know. You said that already.”

“And this is the third time I’ve had to call you in.”

“I know. I was there.”

Quackity smiled, but it looked more like he was baring his teeth in the same way gorillas did to show aggression. “Your attitude is not helping, Mr. Soot.”

“Neither is yours.”

“Well I can certainly see where your son gets it.”

“And what’s that supposed to mean?!”

“Do you know how many other students Fundy has bitten now?”

“Three, I assume.”

“Four.”

“Oh, he got two this time?”

“Yes.”

“Did they have it coming?”

Quackity inhaled slowly. “That is not the point I’m trying to-”

“Because if the other children aren’t playing nice then-”

“That doesn’t mean he gets to bite them!” Quackity snapped.

Wilbur held back a smile. He knew he shouldn’t necessarily provoke Fundy’s teachers, but all the ones at this school were stuck-up assholes, so it was kinda fun. Quackity was especially terrible. Wilbur hadn’t the slightest clue why he’d chosen to go into teaching. He certainly didn’t do it because he enjoyed it. Everytime Wilbur saw him teach, it was with a scowl.

“Look,” Wilbur said, leaning forward, “Fundy is having a tough time, so I would appreciate a little understanding for any… behavior problems he might have.”

“How long since his mother died?”

“Why?”

“It’s like two months or something, right?”

“Yeah…”

“Then he should be over it by now.”

Shocked speechless, Wilbur stared at him, trying to pick up on any sarcasm he might have missed. But Quackity looked dead serious.

“Don’t make excuses just because you’re bad at parenting.” Quackity continued.

“We’re done here.” Wilbur said, standing abruptly.

“You can’t just-”

“I have no idea who gave you a teaching license, but it was a mistake.”

“Actually, this is a charter school, so teaching licenses aren’t required for-”

“Well that certainly explains a lot.”

“What’s that supposed to-”

Wilbur opened the door. “I’d tell you to have a nice day, but I’d actually rather you die in a car accident on the way home, so instead I’ll just say bye.” He walked out and slammed the door shut behind him. “What an asshole…” He muttered.

“Dad, am I in trouble?” Fundy asked. Wilbur had forgotten he’d been waiting in the chair right outside Quackity’s office. 

“No. In fact, next time you bite someone, make it Mr. Quackity.” He took Fundy’s hand and started pulling him out.

“… Do I have to go back to class?”

“No. We’re going home.” 

“Why’re you so mad?”

“Because your teacher’s the biggest dick I’ve ever met.” He took a few more steps and then paused for a moment. “Please don’t repeat that to anyone… People already think I’m a bad dad because of how many swears you know.”

“I won’t.”

“That’s what you said about the f-word.”

“Well what would you say if someone threw a goldfish at you?”

Wilbur laughed. “Fair enough.” He stopped at the front desk and gave the receptionist a smile. “Hi, I’d like to sign my son out for the day.”

“Is everything okay?” She asked.

“Yeah, yeah. He’s just not feeling very well, so I’m taking him home early.”

“Didn’t he bite someone…?”

“Nope. Now where’s the sign out sheet?”

“Um, right here…” She held it out for him.

He quickly signed it, and then hurried Fundy out the door.

“You lied to Miss Niki!” Fundy said in a shocked voice once they were outside.

Wilbur winced. “If you promise not to tell, I’ll buy you a treat on the way home.”

Fundy’s eyes widened. “Ice cream?”

“Yes. Just do not tell anyone, especially your grandpa, okay?”

“Deal.”

“That’s my boy.”

Fundy grinned and got in the car. Wilbur sighed. Sally was so much better at this than he was: dealing with the teachers and the swearing and Fundy’s unique conflict resolution skills. But asking her for help wasn’t exactly an option anymore, so he now had to figure it all out on his own. Moving to a new neighborhood and a new school hadn’t helped matters, but again, it couldn’t be helped.

He got in the car and adjusted his mirror slightly so he could see Fundy better in the backseat. “So why are we biting people this time?”

“George said mom probably went to hell for the sin of creating me.”

“And you’re the one getting in trouble, not him?”

“Yeah…”

“Who else did you bite?”

“Sapnap.”

“Why?”

“Cuz he laughed. I would’ve got Dream too, but he’s too fast.” 

Wilbur nodded. He couldn’t exactly chastise Fundy because he probably would have done the same thing in that situation as a kid. Maybe not biting, but definitely something not school-approved.

“So I’m really not in trouble?”

“Honestly? … Let’s just keep this whole thing a secret from your grandpa, and no one’s in trouble.”

“You’re so much cooler than mom.”

“That’s one way to put it…” Wilbur said with a sigh. “So Coldstone?”

“Mhm!”

***

Quackity punched the nearest filing cabinet, and the shock reverberated up his arm as his hand started throbbing. He hissed a string of curses and shook his hand out. “Fucking- motherfucker- shit- fucking- fuck my ass-”

“Quackity?”

Quackity froze. That was the principal’s voice on the other side of his door.

“Do we need to have another talk about school-appropriate language?”

“No?”

Eret opened the door and crossed their arms with a skeptical look. “So you weren’t just swearing up a storm then?”

“I stubbed my toe.”

“Uh huh…”

“And fucki- freaking Wilbur Soot just told me to die in a car accident!”

Eret raised their eyebrows in disbelief. “That’s a little… Wow.”

“Yeah!”

“I understand if you need a minute before your next class.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Are you-”

“I’m fine.”

“Okay… Remember that-”

“I know. I know. Children are mirrors, and they pick up whatever we put down.”

“Right. So just make sure you’re alright before you go in.”

“I said I’m fine.”

“If you ever need to talk-”

“I’m fine!” Quackity almost yelled at full volume.

Eret sighed. “It’s okay to not be okay sometimes, Quackity.” They said as they turned to go.

“And it’s okay to feel my feelings, yada yada. Any other bullshit aphorisms you wanna share?”

“Language.”

“You know it’s not like they haven’t heard those words before!” Quackity yelled after them as they walked away. They didn’t answer. He groaned in frustration and kicked the filing cabinet instead of punching it. It hurt a lot less, but unfortunately it added to the growing collection of dents in the bottom drawer. Any more and people would start to think he had anger issues.

He checked his watch, and then sighed, shouldered his bag, and left his office. Five minutes until the kids came back from recess, and he hadn’t had a chance to prep the classroom because of Wilbur fucking Soot. Most parents, when you called them in for a problem with their kid, took it pretty well, but Wilbur Soot seemed to revel in being as much of a pain in the ass about it as possible. Quackity sometimes wondered if Wilbur actually encouraged Fundy to bite people; he sure as hell wasn’t doing anything to fix it.

As he passed the front desk, Niki waved him down. “Fundy’s dad checked him out.” She told him.

“That little- Ugh, okay.”

“He said Fundy wasn’t feeling well?”

“Doubt it. Unless he caught cooties from biting George and Sapnap.”

“Were they teasing him about his mom again?”

“Hell- I mean heck if I know.”

“You should talk to them. Fundy’s a good kid. He’d never act out unless he was provoked.”

“With the way his dad is, I have trouble believing that.”

“So by that logic, Tubbo is an alcoholic, and Sapnap couldn’t say a swear to save his life?”

Quackity opened his mouth to answer and found he didn’t have anything to say to that. 

“Exactly.” Niki said firmly. “So you should talk to George and Sapnap.”

“Fine…” Quackity grumbled. “Any other teaching advice? I’m gonna be late.”

“Children are people.” She answered with a shrug. 

“I know.” He said as he started walking away. “That’s why I don’t like them.”

Chapter Text

“Don’t you dare- don’t you dare-” Wilbur yelled as soon as he saw a Fundy pick up a blue shell. They had been sitting in front of the tv playing Mario Kart for the last two hours, and this was the first time he’d gotten to first place, and they were on the final lap with seconds left. “I will ground you if you-” And then the blue shell took him out, and Fundy and the rest of the racers sped past him. “Motherfucker!” Wilbur yelled, throwing his controller down. “I hate it. I hate this game. This is it. I’m never playing again.”

“You were, uh- you were kidding when you said you’d ground me, right?”

“No. You’re grounded.”

“What?!”

“No more video games. Go to your room.”

“But, dad-”

“No buts. All the parenting books say to hold your ground so-”

The door opened, and Phil came in with Tommy behind him. They both stopped to stare at Wilbur and Fundy in surprise. Wilbur tried his best not to look guilty, but Phil’s disappointed stare was hard to ignore.

“Aren’t you supposed to be at the office?” Phil asked.

“Fundy wasn’t feeling well, so I took the rest of the day off.”

“That’s not true!” Tommy objected. “Fundy bit someone! I was there.”

“Nuh uh.” Fundy answered quickly.

“Uh huh. You bit Gogy.”

“Did not.”

“Did too.”

“Shut up.”

“And now you get to play Mario Kart? That’s no fair! If I bit someone-”

“You’d probably give them rabies.” Wilbur finished for him, ignoring his offended gasp, before turning back to Phil. “Anyway Phil. Hi, how are you today?”

“Great… You said he wasn’t feeling well?”

“Yes, the other children are very mean.”

“Hurt feelings aren’t the same as sick, Will.”

“But do you know what they said to him?”

“It was pretty funny.” Tommy added unhelpfully.

“Oh shut up, Tommy.” Wilbur said.

“I’ll bite you too.” Fundy threatened at the same time.

“I am your uncle. You can’t bite me. I outrank you.”

“That’s not how it works! We’re basically the same age.”

“Be quiet, nephew.”

“Listen, just because my grandpa adopted you-”

“La la la. I can’t hear you because you are not an uncle.”

“Dad! Make him stop!”

Not knowing what to do, Wilbur looked pleadingly at Phil, who gave a long sigh. “Tommy, just because you’re technically his uncle, you don’t get to be mean to Fundy. Be a good example instead, okay?” He said.

“I will be the best example.” Tommy said with a worryingly wide grin.

“Good. Now you two go play. I need to talk to Will alone.”

Tommy nodded. “Come along, wayward child.” He told Fundy. “Uncle Tommy will set you right.”

Fundy groaned but followed Tommy out anyway when Phil gave him an encouraging nod. Wilbur swallowed nervously. Now that he was alone with his dad, he could feel the lecture coming.

“They told him his mum went to hell for the sin of creating him.” Wilbur said quickly. “Isn’t that fucked up?”

“It is, yeah, but that’s not even… I mean-”

“I know, I know, but it’s still a really mean thing to say.”

“Did you get onto him?”

“For what?”

“What do you mean ‘for what’? For the biting!”

“I mean- Wait, and you know what else? His teacher told me Fundy should be over his mum dying because it’s been two months!”

“That’s… Okay, that’s messed up no matter the context.”

“I know!”

“But Fundy’s not gonna learn better if you let him think biting is an okay way to solve problems.”

“I mean…”

“If you’re about to say it’s okay to bite people, then I’m sending you both to therapy.”

“You- I’m a grownup! You can’t do that without my consent.”

“You’re a grownup who moved back in with his dad two months ago, and you haven’t even thought about moving out. You could go to therapy for multiple reasons.”

“I’m grieving!”

Phil gave him a look. Wilbur quickly decided that that wasn’t going to be the winning argument, so he changed gears.

“This is an expensive neighborhood, and Fundy’s just started school here. I don’t wanna uproot him again in the middle of the school year and-”

“It’s a charter school. He can attend it from anywhere.”

“But the busses-”

“Stop with the excuses, Will. We both know damn well why you’re not trying to move out.”

Wilbur fell silent.

“Are you at least looking for a new job? Or you could apply to uni again-”

“Maybe I’m happy where I am! You ever thought about that?”

“Except you’re miserable.”

“Well sorry I’m such a bloody disappointment. I’m not a best-selling, medal-winner like Techno, or some prodigy like Tommy. I’m just- just some loser living in his dad’s attic. I can’t even parent my own kid properly…”

“Will…” Phil said softly. “You’re not a disappointment or a loser. That’s not what I’m saying at all. I just want you to be happy.”

“Whatever.” Wilbur said, standing up as he avoided eye contact. He knew Phil was lying. He was a loser, and everyone knew it. “I need to check my email. We’ve got another change window coming up at work, and I should see if anyone needs the new compliance forms.”

Phil sighed, but he didn’t say anything as Wilbur walked out.

Chapter Text

“And that is how you find x for this formula.” Quackity said in a dull voice as he wrote ‘27’ on the board. “Now everybody turn to page thirty-five, and we’ll look at a more complicated version with fractions instead of integers.” He started erasing the board to write the next problem. The longer he taught, the more he could feel little bits of his soul break off and float away.

There was nothing more soul-sucking than basic algebra. He could do it in his sleep, and now that they were two weeks in, he actually was starting to dream about doing math. Even in sleep, he couldn’t escape slope-intercept form. It was a nightmare, but somehow still preferable to his usual ones.

He was writing fractions on the board when his phone started ringing. His stomach twisted in sick anticipation. “I’ll be right back.” He told the class as he hurried out to answer, praying it was a spam call. “Hello?”

“Hi, I’m calling from St. Vincent Hospital. May I speak to Quackity?” A bored sounding voice asked.

The anticipation in his stomach turned to dread. “Speaking.” He answered, trying to keep his voice steady.

“I have you listed as the emergency contact for Karl Jacobs?”

“Yes, that’s right.”

“In that case, I’m calling to inform you he’s being moved into surgery.”

“He’s what?!”

“He’s being taken to surgery.”

Suddenly conscious that the kids probably heard him yell, he tried to lower his voice. “What…? I- I thought he was doing better- What happened?”

“He’s facing some complications.”

“Complications? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!”

“He had sudden cardiac arrest from a blood clot, and now he’s being prepped for surgery to have the clot removed.”

Quackity took a deep, shaking breath. Yelling at a nurse wasn’t going to help him. Or Karl. “Is- is he okay?”

“His condition is currently stable. If you want to know more, you should talk to his doctor.”

“You, uh- you said he was going into surgery?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll be right there.”

“Alright, have a nice day.” The line went dead as they hung up.

His heart throbbing in his throat, he didn’t even realize he was muttering curses until Eret stuck their head out of their adjacent classroom with a concerned look. “Everything okay?” They asked.

“Fucking- No! I have to go.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Karl- Surgery- Complications- Oh fuck me… this motherfucking, goddamn, medical drama bullshit-” He covered his mouth to stop himself from yelling any louder.

“Go. I’ll take care of your class.”

Quackity nodded and went to grab his bag. When he opened the door, he found most of the class had gathered right behind it, listening in. He glared at them, and they all quickly stepped back, trying to look innocent. 

“Are you okay, Mr. Quackity?” One of them asked.

“Fuck off…” He muttered, grabbing his bag. He heard them all start murmuring to each other as soon as he was out the door. He didn’t have the mental energy to be angry at them for eavesdropping right now.

“Is everything alright, Quackity?” Niki asked as soon as she saw him.

“No, it’s fucking not.” He answered as he opened the front door.

“What-”

He never heard the end of her question because he slammed the door behind him in his rush to the car.

***

Wilbur slammed his foot on the accelerator when he saw the stoplight ahead of them turn yellow, and then he looked back at the rearview window to glare at Tommy. “You know, when Phil told you to ‘go play’, I am one hundred percent certain he didn’t mean ‘go have a knife fight’.”

Tommy glared back. “I don’t see why you’re driving me instead of Phil.”

“Because he’s done with your bullshit, and quite frankly so am I.”

“Language.”

“Oh shut up, I’ve heard you say far worse.”

“I am a child, and you are not supposed to swear at children, dickhead.”

“A menace is what you are! You could’ve hurt Fundy!”

“Fundy hurt me!”

“Well it was your idea, so you had it coming. And don’t you dare get blood on my backseat, or a stab wound is gonna be the least of your troubles.”

“You know when I imagined having a brother-”

“I am not your brother. We may have the same adoptive father, but that does not make us family.”

Tommy fell silent for a minute. “Can you drive a little faster please? This really hurts.”

“Tommy, do you know how many traffic laws I’ve broken in the last seven minutes?”

“No?”

“Several.” He took a sharp left because he almost passed the hospital.

“Ow! Could you turn a little less suddenly?!”

“Do you want medical care or not?”

“You told me not to get blood on the backseat!”

He hit the brake. “Alright. Out.”

“Wha-”

“We’re here.” He took the keys out, got out of the car, and handed them off to the valet. “C’mon.”

Tommy followed him in. The kid did look like he was in pain; Wilbur kinda felt bad for being so hard on him. Then again, he was the idiot who thought a knife fight was a good idea, and this was his karmic punishment, so he didn’t feel too bad. They went through check-in and got put in a room pretty quickly, probably because Tommy was actively dripping blood from the now blood-soaked hand towel he was holding to his arm.

Once they were in the room and insurance had been sorted out, there wasn’t much for Wilbur to do, and he didn’t feel like sitting around listening to Tommy’s bullshit, so he went to find a snack. He had missed dinner because of this whole thing after all.

As he wandered around, completely lost in the maze that was the ER, all he found was a broken vending machine, which he actually came back to several times in his search. Eventually, his grumbling stomach overcame his pride, and he went to the nurse station to ask where the cafeteria was. Following their directions, he somehow managed to find the right elevator. But when the elevator doors opened, he saw the last person he expected or wanted to see. 

It was Quackity.

“What floor?” Quackity mumbled as Wilbur stepped in, mind racing in confused circles. Quackity was so busy staring at the ground that he hadn’t even noticed Wilbur.

“Quackity?”

Quackity seemed to snap out of a trance as he looked up at Wilbur with an equally confused expression. “Wilbur?! The hell are you doing here?”

“Uh- Three please.”

“… What?”

Wilbur pointed at the elevator buttons; three had already been pressed. “Nevermind then…” He muttered. “You going to the cafeteria?” He asked after a moment of painfully awkward silence.

Quackity nodded slowly. Another moment of painful silence passed. “Why’re you here?” Quackity finally asked.

“Tommy got stabbed.” He explained casually. Then, seeing Quackity’s shocked expression, he quickly added. “In the arm. He’s gonna be fine.”

“Right…”

The elevator doors opened, and they both quickly stepped out. Unfortunately they had to walk in the same direction now, so they were still stuck together.

“You?” Wilbur asked after yet more silence.

“What?”

“What are you doing here?”

Quackity’s eyes fell back to the floor. “None of your business.”

“Why? Do you have secret cancer or something?” He asked.

“Fuck off.”

“But seriously, are you visiting someone or…?”

“I said fuck off!” Quackity snapped.

Wilbur stopped in surprise. Quackity looked like he was on the verge of tears. He stood still for a moment, letting Quackity go ahead of him in the hallway. He saw Quackity angrily wipe his eyes as he walked. Once Quackity was a good distance away, Wilbur started walking toward the cafeteria again. 

The cafeteria turned out to be small and crowded. After he bought a sad-looking premade sandwich, Wilbur sighed and scanned the room, looking for an empty table. There wasn’t one. Not wanting to go back to Tommy’s room because he knew the little gremlin would demand half the sandwich, he reluctantly approached Quackity’s table, where he was sitting alone with a sandwich identical to Wilbur’s.

“Can I sit…?” He asked quietly. “I promise not to pry. There’s just nowhere else so…”

“Do whatever you want.” Quackity answered in a defeated voice.

Wilbur slowly sat. Even if the guy had been a massive dick, Wilbur couldn’t help but feel sorry for someone who looked so despaired. “I’m sorry for… whatever happened… I hope it turns out okay.”

Quackity put his head in his hands, and Wilbur immediately panicked, afraid he'd accidentally said something bad enough to make Quackity cry. “I’ve been here for six hours…” Quackity mumbled. “And they won’t tell me what’s going on. All I know is that there have been more complications, whatever the fuck that means.”

“Six hours?” Wilbur repeated in concern. 

“He was in surgery… He’s out now, but they still won’t let me see him because of some medical jargon bullshit.”

“Who…?”

“He’s- It doesn’t fucking matter… I don’t even know why I’m telling you- I just- God, I feel so fucking useless.”

“I mean if it were me in surgery, it’d mean the world to me that anyone stuck around for six hours just waiting, even if I didn’t know it at the time.”

Quackity slowly looked up with an expression almost akin to hope. “Really?”

Wilbur nodded. “Just knowing anyone cared enough to eat shitty sandwiches and sit in uncomfortable chairs for six hours? It’d mean a lot.”

“Thanks…”

“Can I… buy you a coffee or something? You look exhausted.”

“The coffee here’s disgusting.”

“Hot chocolate then.”

Quackity almost smiled. “Hot chocolate?”

“On me.”

“… Sure. Fine.”

“Any food reccs while I’m up? I think my sandwich has gone off.”

“Honestly, the sandwich is your best bet.”

He finished unwrapping his sandwich and looked it over. “It has mold…”

Quackity actually smiled at that. He had a really nice smile. Wilbur wasn’t sure if he’d ever seen it before. “I stand by my statement. Sandwich is the best bet.”

“Are they trying to get more business by poisoning visitors?”

“That would explain the pizza.” Quackity answered with a snicker.

“What’s wrong with the pizza?”

“I’m not sure if the FDA would actually categorize it as ‘food’.”

“What would it be then?”

“Alien life form?”

Wilbur laughed. “I’ll just try my luck with another sandwich then.”

“Just don’t get the tuna.”

“Eugh. Why would I? Tuna salad sandwiches aren’t good even if you get them from an actual restaurant.”

Quackity laughed. He had a really nice laugh too. The infectious kind that you just had to laugh along with. It was hard to believe it was coming from the same man he’d met with this morning.

“Be right back.” Wilbur stood and went over to wait in line again with a smile. But when he came back to the table with the hot chocolates, Quackity was gone.

Chapter Text

Wilbur tapped his foot impatiently, watching the doors of the school waiting for someone to come out. He usually let Phil pick up the kids, but he’d offered to do it today. It had been three days since he’d seen Quackity at the hospital, and he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it. Something from the encounter had stuck with him, and thinking about Quackity was becoming something of a distraction.

So here he was, standing in the parking lot with the other parents, waiting for the students to come out, just for a chance to talk to Quackity. It was only a little ridiculous.

“I haven’t seen you out here before.” One of the parents said to him. She was tall and imposing, with wild, curly hair, broad shoulders, and a kind smile. “Are you new?” She asked.

“Um, sort of…? My son enrolled this year.”

“Oh, Fundy?”

“Yeah.”

“I should’ve guessed. He looks just like you!”

“He does?”

“Yeah! Especially in the eyes.”

“Oh. Yeah. Neither of us sleep.”

“Oh- Uh…” She trailed off awkwardly. “That's not good.”

He shrugged. “He’s been having a lot of nightmares since his mum passed.” He said, hoping she would feel awkward enough to stop talking to him. He didn’t want to make nice with the other parents.

She blinked. “I’m so sorry-”

“It’s fine.”

“Um- Well I’m Foolish and Dream’s mom. Puffy.” She extended her hand, and he ignored it.

“Oh. Do you know you’ve raised a right terror?”

“What do you mean?”

“Way I heard it, Dream’s always terrorizing the other children.”

“That’s, uh-” She looked past Wilbur. “Oh, hey Bad! Did you- did you get a haircut?”

“I did.” Another of the parents answered with a smile. “Do you like it?”

“It’s great!” Puffy said, walking over to talk to the other parent instead. 

Wilbur gave a sigh of relief and went back to watching the doors. The first person to come out was not the person he wanted to see. Instead, it was Technoblade. Wilbur held back a groan as Techno spotted him and waved. 

“Yoo! Wilbur!”

“Hey, Techno…” Wilbur answered, silently praying he wouldn’t come over.

His prayers were immediately denied as Techno started towards him. “Bro, it’s been ages. How are you?”

“You know, the usual…”

“The usual? So when’s your next probation meeting?” He chuckled to himself. “Seriously though, I heard you moved back in with Phil because your-”

“Yep. That’s right.” Wilbur quickly interrupted. “Tragic. Anyway, how are you?” He asked with a forced smile.

“Well I’ve got a tournament coming up next week, so the odds of me making nationals are pretty great. And then my next book in the Theseus series is supposed to release at the end of the month, and let me tell you, pre-sales have been insane. We’re hitting the New York Bestseller List, easy.”

Wilbur’s eye twitched. “That’s great, man. So happy for you…”

“And you’re still doing the IT-something-something?”

“Mhm!” 

“How’s that?”

“It’s great.” He said with a slight voice break. “So- so why teach if you’ve got all that other amazing stuff going on?”

“Oh, you know… The chance to make a difference in kids’ lives and inspire them to chase their dreams and pit them against each other in dodgeball. It’s pretty great.”

“Wow. You’re such a philanthropist.” He said through gritted teeth.

“Hey, IT is important too. You don’t know how many times I’ve had to call tech support in the last month.”

“Tech support isn’t what I- I mean I don’t actually…” He sighed. “Thanks.”

“You ever finish working on that song you were gonna make?”

Wilbur scanned the growing crowd behind Techno, looking for someone to save him from this conversation. “Oh, look- It’s, uh- It’s my son’s teacher. Who I need to talk to. I- I must go. To talk to him about things. Goodbye, Technoblade.” He quickly walked away with his fists clenched. He’d been fighting the urge to hit Techno at the end there, which would have been a big mistake considering Techno was an international, judo gold medalist in addition to every other amazing thing he’d done with his life.

***

Quackity sighed and checked his watch. It seemed like pickup was taking forever today. Couldn’t the parents just show up on time to get their kids and leave? He had places to be. He needed to pick up Slime from daycare; he needed groceries and litter; and he needed to visit Karl… He sighed again. Maybe he could stand to wait here a little longer.

And then he saw Wilbur Soot walking towards him. 

“Quackity! Hello!” Wilbur said with a strained smile as he came nearer.

“Hi…?”

“How’s, uh- how’s the learning going?

“It’s going?”

“Good, good. And what did they learn today?”

“Why are you acting so weird?”

Wilbur sighed and lowered his voice. “Look, I’m trying to avoid my brother so-”

“Brother? You mean Tommy?”

“No? Wait, you mean…” He trailed off with a hurt look. “He never mentioned me?”

“Who?”

“Technoblade’s my adoptive brother.”

“He is?!”

“Could you be any louder? You know, make it real obvious we’re not talking about important school things.”

Quackity rolled his eyes. “I have no obligation to help you, you know.”

“Are you going to?” Wilbur asked with a strangely vulnerable look that reminded Quackity of Karl.

He gave in with a groan. “Sure. Whatever. Should only be a few minutes until Fundy and Tommy come out anyway.”

Wilbur nodded gratefully.

“So what do you wanna talk about?”

“… Are you doing okay?”

“What else do you wanna talk about?”

“Uh… How’s Fundy?”

“Well he didn’t bite anyone today, but he got in a fight.”

“Fundy doesn’t pick fights.”

“Yes, he does.”

Wilbur crossed his arms. “No, the other children pick on him, and then he fights back.”

“That’s usually his story.”

“What do you mean ‘story’? Fundy wouldn’t lie to me.”

“That’s what all parents think.”

Wilbur made a frustrated noise. “Well did you at least talk to him?”

“That’s Eret’s job.” Quackity said with a shrug. “It was during their class.”

“You’re not- I don’t think you’re very good at this.”

“Well, like you said, it’s not like I have a teaching degree.”

“Then what are you doing here?”

“Paying rent.” He answered with another shrug. “… And medical bills.”

“Oh…”

“Mhm.”

“Well you could at least stand to put a little effort in.”

Quackity rolled his eyes. “Whatever.” He looked around. “Hey, it’s your kids. Seeya later.”

Wilbur smiled at Fundy, completely ignoring Tommy, who was standing right next to him. “Hey, sport! How was your day?”

“It was-”

Tommy interrupted. “I’m here too, jerk.”

“Well I don’t care about your day.”

“Wha- Why are you so mean?!”

“You have it coming.”

“I do not!” 

Quackity started walking away, and Wilbur and Tommy’s bickering faded into background noises. He sighed. Now that most of the kids had been picked up, he was out of excuses not to go and be an adult.

***

Quackity sighed and ran his hand across his face. He was tired. He was so goddamn tired. Sometimes he just wanted to say screw it and then pack a bag and start driving as far away as he could. Maybe he could buy a boat once he hit the coast and sail even further away. He didn’t want to deal with this anymore. Any of it. Slime was probably the only reason he hadn’t gone through with the boat plan yet. 

As soon as he walked into the preschool, he heard Slime shout, “Quackity!” from across the room. He forced a smile as Slime ran up and hugged him. 

“Hey, buddy. How was your day?”

“Legos.”

“Legos?”

“Mhm!”

“Is that a good thing?”

“It’s legos.”

Quackity gave Slime’s teacher a wave as he took Slime’s hand and led him out of the building. “Is that all that happened today?”

“Mhm.”

“Sounds like an interesting day.”

“It was legos.”

The forced smile was getting harder to hold. “Are you ready to go see Ranboo?”

“But I thought we were gonna Pizza Hut.”

“Did I say that…?” He honestly couldn’t remember. 

“You said last week we could Pizza Hut.”

“Oh… Well you can order pizza with Ranboo?”

“I don’t wanna go to Ranboo from down the street.” Slime whined.

Quackity sighed and picked him up to put him in his carseat. “I thought you liked Ranboo? Do you want a new babysitter?”

“I do like Ranboo, but I wanna Pizza Hut with you.”

He buckled Slime in and got in the driver’s seat. “Maybe next week, bud. I’m really busy this week, okay?”

“You said that last week.”

“I know… Things have been… busy.”

“When’s Karl coming back from his trip?”

Quackity grimaced. He hadn’t had it in him to tell Slime the truth yet. “He’s, uh- I don’t know yet, buddy. But I’m sure he misses you lots, and he’ll be back as soon as he can.”

“Is he still in the jungle where there’s no wifi or phones?”

“Actually he’s… He’s in the arctic now. He’s out saving polar bears.”

Slime gasped in excitement. “I like polar bears!”

“I know you do. So does Karl. That's why he’s, uh- he’s giving all the polar bear babies jackets, so they don’t get cold in the snow.”

“They’re called cubs.”

“Right, right. Well I’m not a polar expert like you.”

Slime grinned. “Did you know they have black skin?”

“No, I didn’t. Why do they have black skin?”

“Because it helps them keep warm!”

“That’s really cool.”

“No, it’s warm.”

Quackity laughed. “You got me there.”

His smile had fallen now that Slime couldn’t see him. He knew he had to tell him eventually. He couldn’t lie forever. Especially if the doctors were right about Karl’s coma. He wasn’t coming back home any time soon… If he even wanted to.

Chapter Text

Wilbur leaned back in his chair and steepled his fingers. “I’ve thought about it, Ranboo, and I don’t think I believe in the eternal soul. So really, what do I have to fear from death or God?”

Ranboo took a moment to process what Wilbur had said, then his eyebrows went up in concern. “Uh- What? What are you…? Do you need help?”

“No, no, no. It’s a freeing realization if you really think about it. If you don’t fear the beyond because it’s actually just nothing, then you can do whatever you want without fear of eternal repercussions.”

“Like- like psychiatric help? Do you think that’s something you would want?”

“And if our existence is just-”

“Look, man. I’m just an intern. I- I just came over to see if you wanted coffee, and uh… And to be honest, you’re kind of giving me an existential crisis that I don’t want right now. Like at all. I have homework, man.”

“You asked how I was doing!”

“I ask a lot of people that everyday, and no one has ever, ever answered with existential nihilism. That’s just not something people do!”

“Well excuse me for trying to have an interesting conversation!”

Ranboo gave a long sigh. “Do you want coffee or not?”

“Uh yeah, two sugars please.”

“Alrighty!” Ranboo clapped his hands together like he was eager to leave the conversation. “Be right back with that.”

As Ranboo started walking away, Wilbur’s cell phone rang. It was the somewhat ominous ringtone he’d set for Fundy’s school. Wilbur gave a long sigh. “He’d better not have bitten anyone again…” He muttered and then answered. “Wilbur Soot speaking. Please tell me this is a good news call about Fundy’s amazing behavior.”

“Actually, uh…” That was the receptionist Niki on the other end of the line. “Can you come in? The principal wants to speak with you…”

“What? Why? What’d I do?”

“Not you, Fundy.”

“What’d he do that was principal worthy?”

“Can you just come in to talk about it?”

“Is it urgent? I’ve got a meeting coming up.”

“He got in an… altercation with another student.”

“Altercation? Is he okay?”

“Well it looks like he’s going to have a black eye.”

“What?! What happened?”

“I think another student threw something at him? It’s- Can you come in to talk about it? All the other parents are on their way.”

“… Other parents?”

“Yes. Eret wanted all the parents involved for this one.”

“And who are they?”

“Eret?”

“No. No, I meant who are the other parents. Do I know them?”

“George, Dream, and Sapnap’s parents are all coming in.”

“Figures.” He muttered. “I should’ve guessed it was those three…”

“Are you coming in?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll be there.”

“Thank you.”

He hung up and leaned back in his chair with a groan. He didn’t want to deal with other parents. They were all at least six years older than him, and it felt like they all knew they were better at parenting than him. Being a single dad was bad enough; he was the junior parent, and everyone treated him as such.

Ranboo walked back into Wilbur’s cubicle with a paper cup of steaming coffee. “Everything alright, man?”

“I have to go. Fundy got in another fight.”

“Oh yikes. Well, uh- Good luck, I guess?”

“Thanks…”

“Do you still want the coffee?”

“Is it chugging temperature?”

“I… don’t think so?”

Wilbur took the cup and stuck his finger in it to check the temperature. It hurt, but not that much. Then he shrugged to himself and chugged the entire cup. The coffee burned down his throat, but he managed not to choke on it. He set the cup down on his desk and started packing his bag. He glanced up to see Ranboo was staring at him in fear.

“Caffeine.” Wilbur said as an explanation.

“That was terrifying. That- that just came out of the pot, man!”

“You’re a college student. You should know how it is.”

“I do but… Yeah, wow, that cannot be good for your throat.”

“Eh, neither is smoking or screaming, but here we are.”

“Scr-screaming?”

“Don’t you just scream into your pillow sometimes?”

“I worry about you.”

Wilbur shrugged again and stood with a stretch. “I should be back in an hour or so. Tell anyone who asks that I had a family emergency.”

“Right. Family emergency of the month, number four.”

“Are you sassing me, Ranboo?”

“Me? Sass? Nope. Never.”

***

Eret studied Fundy, who was squirming nervously in his chair as he held an ice pack to his eye, which was quickly turning purple. Fundy’s dad, Wilbur, was sitting next to him with his arms crossed and a heavy scowl. Eret could already tell he was going to make this difficult.

“Alright, Fundy.” Eret said. “Please tell us what happened.”

“Well it was recess, and I was just minding my own business talking to Foolish, and then bam! Out of nowhere, Dream throws a can of beans at my head.”

“Dream did?”

“You don’t believe me?”

“I’m just making sure I have the facts straight. So out of nowhere, Dream threw beans at you. Then what?”

“Um… Not sure, to be honest. Next thing I really remember is being on the ground with a bunch of people standing over me. And then Miss Niki brought me inside and gave me an ice pack, and then you told her to call my dad and-”

“Right. I know that part.”

“Oh.”

“Can you think of any reason Dream might have thrown something at you?”

Fundy hesitated. “No…?”

“Are you sure?”

Fundy nodded, and then Wilbur cut in. “Well Dream is a right menace, isn’t he Fundy?” He said.

“Mr. Soot-”

“What? Every school’s got at least one bully, and Dream’s yours. Him and his little gang.”

“Mr. Soot, can you and your son please wait outside while I talk to the other kids?”

“You’re not gonna do anything?!”

“Well first I’m going to get the full picture.”

“Dream threw a can at Fundy! What else is there to know?! He could’ve killed him!”

“Please wait outside.”

***

“Alright, George, can you tell me what happened at recess?”

George shrugged and mumbled something.

“You can speak up, George.” George’s dad Sam reassured. “You’re not in trouble.”

“I dunno what happened.” George mumbled.

“Did you see who threw the beans?” Eret asked.

“I dunno.”

“Did you see Fundy get hit?”

“I dunno.”

“… Did you see anything at all?”

George shrugged.

“Okay then.”

***

“It wasn’t me.” Dream said as soon as he walked into the room.

Eret looked up from his notes. “What? I didn’t even ask-”

“It wasn’t me. Someone else must have thrown them.”

Puffy turned to look at her son questioningly. “Didn’t you beg me to buy you a can of fava beans last night?”

“Yeah…?”

“And you wouldn’t say why you needed them.”

“Oh, they were for a prank.” Dream paused, looking back and forth between Eret and Puffy. “Okay that sounds bad, but I was actually gonna prank George. See, what happened was yesterday, Fundy threatened to eat George with fava beans, and George was all freaked out about it cuz that’s a really weird, specific threat, you know? So I brought in fava beans, and I was gonna leave them in his locker to, like, scare him and stuff-” He glanced back at his mother. “In a friendly way.”

“Dream, that is not at all friendly.” Puffy said with a glare.

“But it would’ve been really funny.”

“We’re gonna have a talk about appropriate pranks when we get home.”

“Okay…”

“Keep going, Dream.” Eret said.

“Right, anyway, so someone must have gotten them from my bag at some point and then thrown them at Fundy. As a joke.”

“And that person wasn’t you?”

“Nope.”

“Do you have any idea who might’ve done it?”

Dream shrugged. “Whoever did it must have had a really, really good throwing arm and epic aim… Maybe it was George? Like, as revenge for Fundy threatening to eat his liver.”

“Right…”

***

“Oh, no, it was totally Dream.” Sapnap said as he leaned back in his chair. “One hundred percent, Dream did it.”

“What makes you so sure?” Eret asked.

“Well I saw him do it, for one. And for another, who else has aim like that? He threw it from like across the playground, and it hit Fundy really hard too. Have you seen his black eye? It’s nasty.”

“Can you tell me exactly what happened?”

“Yeah, so yesterday Fundy was being all creepy and threatening to eat George with beans, and George was like crying about it in our group chat. So today Dream brought beans in, and he showed them to George during recess, and George just like- he just started bawling his eyes out. He’s such a baby.”

Eret sighed. “What happened next?”

“Well I told Dream he should give the beans to Fundy, so we could hold George down while he-”

“Sapnap!” One of Sapnap’s dads, Bad, exclaimed in a loud, scandalized voice. “That is so mean! I thought we raised you better than that.”

“ You might have.” Skeppy, Sapnap’s other dad, said with a laugh. “But that’s totally something I would’ve told him to do.”

“Skeppy!” Bad hissed. “That is not helping!”

“I know.”

Eret cleared their throat, and they both quieted. “Please continue, Sapnap.”

“Right. So I told Dream to give Fundy the beans, and Dream was like ‘okay!’, and he just chucked them full force at Fundy. Then Fundy fell over, and he was like crying, and now we’re here.”

“Thank you for your honesty. Now could you please wait outside while discuss this with the other teachers?”

“Is Dream gonna get in trouble?”

“We’ll see.”

“Damn…”

“Language.” Bad chastised.

Sapnap stuck his tongue out as he followed his dads out of the room.

***

Wilbur tapped his foot against the floor, watching Eret’s door as kids and parents went in and out. He still couldn’t believe they were letting Dream get away with this. According to Fundy, he was a teacher’s pet who got away with everything. Sapnap and his dads came out of the office, and Wilbur saw Sapnap whisper something to Dream; he wasn’t sure what was said, but Dream’s eyes widened, and he punched Sapnap in the arm.

Eret called the other teachers, Quackity and Niki, into his office, and they took a long while talking. Finally, Eret stuck their head out of the office again. “Mr. Soot, can we speak to you and Fundy again?”

Wilbur groaned and stood. “Fundy better not be in trouble for this.”

“Please just come inside.”

Wilbur nodded and motioned for Fundy to follow him in. Both Quackity and Niki were standing behind Eret’s desk like bodyguards.

“Mr. Soot, have you let Fundy watch Silence of the Lambs recently?” Eret asked as soon as they sat.

Wilbur blinked. “What? What does that have to do with anything?”

“Have you?”

“I mean… It is rated R. That, uh- that would be bad parenting.”

“I’m asking because apparently Fundy threatened to eat another student with fava beans.”

Wilbur laughed, then quickly covered his mouth. “That’s not funny. Sorry.”

“You’re right. It’s not.” Eret sounded dead serious. The other two didn’t look amused either.

“And I might've let him watch a little… I covered his eyes during the bad bits though.” Wilbur turned to look at Fundy. “Fundy, did you threaten to eat someone with fava beans?”

“And chianti.”

Wilbur bit his lip. It was getting harder to not laugh. “That’s very wrong of you, son. You shouldn’t eat people.” He said with a barely straight face.

“I wasn’t actually gonna eat him. He’s definitely got cooties.”

Wilbur snickered. “Well you shouldn’t say it if you don’t-” Then he glanced back at Eret and the others, who all looked very disapproving. “I mean, uh- You shouldn’t say it at all. It’s very wrong to threaten people.” He thought for a moment. “Who was it?”

“George.”

“Oh. Well, did it stop him from picking on you?”

Fundy nodded.

Wilbur looked back at Eret. “Look, those three out there have been right little terrors to Fundy and the other kids. Are you gonna get him in trouble for standing up for himself?”

Eret sighed. “If they’re picking on him, he should talk to a teacher instead of threatening to eat them.”

“I did.” Fundy said, crossing his arms. “Everyone really likes Dream though, so they think I’m lying.”

“Now that’s some bullshit.” Wilbur said without thinking. “I mean, uh- Bullcrap?”

“Mr. Soot, we’ve decided to put both Fundy and Dream on probation for the next week. Any more trouble, and we’re going to have to talk about suspension.”

“What?!”

“Additionally, they’re both going to have meetings with our school counselor, Miss Niki, to discuss their behavior.”

“You’re punishing him for getting hit in the face?!”

Quackity cut in. “We’re punishing him for repeatedly biting and threatening other students.”

“That’s- You-”

“Wilbur, please understand.” Niki said softly. “We’re worried about Fundy’s behavior.”

“That doesn’t mean you put him on probation!”

“He can’t keep biting people.” Eret said firmly. “That’s not something we want him to carry on into adult life.”

“It’s not like he’s going to go into an adult job and bite a customer!”

“You don’t fucking know that with the way you’re raising him!” Quackity said loudly. “I get that his mom died, but that’s no excuse for assault.”

“Assault?!”

“That’s what biting is, Wilbur. You’re lucky all the parents here are so easy going.”

“Oh, what are you now? Mr. Law? You teach middle school mathematics. Shut the fuck up.”

“Personal attacks aren’t how you handle grownup conflict. Clearly that’s something we need to teach Fundy because you don’t know it yourself.”

“Oh, now who’s making personal attacks?”

“Gentlemen please.” Eret interrupted. “Mr. Soot, our decision is final. Fighting is only going to make things worse. And Quackity, please be a professional.”

“Yeah, Quackity.” Wilbur snapped.

Eret glared, and Wilbur quickly quieted.

“The probation period begins tomorrow.” Eret continued. “For the rest of the day, please take Fundy home.”

“Fine.”

Chapter Text

Wilbur dropped his bag and fell onto the couch with a long sigh. He’s just finished the longest half day of work in the history of time: an HR meeting about all the family emergencies he was having, a database outage and the following scramble of meetings and patches, and finally a dozen customer complaints and department-wide lecture by their boss’s boss about how they needed to do better.

He was so ready to just close his eyes for a nap and possibly never open them again.

“Will?” Phil’s voice came from the hall. “Are you home?”

Wilbur held back a groan. He knew what was coming. “Yeah, I’m home.”

“Can we talk?”

“Can it wait? I had a really long-”

“Fundy got a black eye at school?”

Wilbur didn’t answer. 

“He won’t tell me what happened, but Tommy says he’s in big trouble.”

“Can this please wait? I can’t do this right now…”

“Wilbur Soot. Talk to me.”

Wilbur opened his eyes to see Phil was standing over him, arms crossed. “Another kid threw something at him.” He explained. “Now they’re both on probation. Can I nap now?”

“Why would Fundy be put on probation for that?”

“Please just give me a minute.”

“Will…” Phil trailed off for a moment. “Maybe it’s time to call Sally.” He finally said in a gentle voice.

“No!” Wilbur snapped, sitting up straight. “I can- I can handle this. I just need time to figure it out.”

“And in the meantime, Fundy fails math and gets put on probation? This isn’t good for him, Will.”

Wilbur faltered. He didn’t know Fundy was failing math. “She- she’s the one who ran off! I stayed, Phil. Me! I stayed at my stupid job and moved in with you just to take care of Fundy. Meanwhile she takes everything and runs off to France! Why should she get anything now?”

Phil grimaced. “She called me the other day…”

“You? She called you?!”

“You blocked her number! What else was she supposed to do?”

“That’s what you do when you break up. You block them everywhere and- and cut them out of photos and burn their shit.”

“And tell everyone they died?

Wilbur’s eyes fell to the floor, unable to make eye contact anymore. He didn’t have a response for that.

Phil sighed. “You’re not a teenager anymore, Will… You have a son, and you need to do what’s best for him.”

Wilbur’s stomach twisted. “And you don’t think I’m best for him?”

“That’s not what I… I’m just-” Phil sighed. “She wants to see him, Will. She wants visitation rights.”

“Oh sure! First it’s visitation, and then what? Then he wants to stay over with her, and next thing you know she’s got full custody! I can’t lose him, Phil. I can’t. You have to understand, he’s all I’ve got now.”

“He isn’t a belonging, Will. You can’t just ‘have’ him. He should get a say.”

Wilbur swallowed heavily. “… But what if he doesn’t pick me?”

“Then would you want to keep him against his will?”

“I…” He took a deep, shaking breath and then nodded slowly. “I’ll think about it. Just give me a little time. I need to… Gotta brace myself, you know?”

Phil nodded. He didn’t say anything as he walked away, but Wilbur knew what he was thinking. He thought Wilbur couldn’t handle adulting on his own, let alone parenting. And maybe he was right. Wilbur had leaned on Sally for so long that now that she was gone, it was like he couldn’t do anything right anymore.

***

Quackity sighed and pushed the bar door open. This wasn’t his usual spot, but it was close to the hospital, and since Karl was back in the ICU, he needed to be nearby in case something happened. But he also desperately needed a drink, so the Howling Cow Bar was a nice compromise. Hopefully the drinks here weren’t shit.

It was strangely decorated, with cow print bar stools to complement the colorful, pop-art style, cow mural on the wall. Everything else was pretty standard bar stuff. A pool table, a dart board, some booths that were also cow print, and a bar equipped with various taps, shelves of liquor, and a tired looking bartender. It smelled vaguely like fresh leather instead of the usual, musty bar smell.

“What can I do ya for?” The bartender asked as he took a seat at the bar.

“Double whiskey. Neat.”

“Rough day?”

“Yeah.” He answered in a short voice, hoping to discourage any more conversation.

The bartender nodded and took out a glass. 

Feeling eyes on him, Quackity glanced to the side. He blinked in surprise. What the hell was Wilbur Soot doing here? And why was he staring? Quackity looked back at the counter, trying to ignore him. He just wanted to drink in peace. The bartender placed the glass of whiskey in front of Quackity and walked away.

Quackity could hear him talking quietly with Wilbur.

“You know him?” The bartender asked.

“My son’s math teacher.” Wilbur answered.

“Huh… Small world, innit?”

“He’s an arsehole.”

“Well, good thing I gave him the cheap whiskey.”

“I can hear, you know.” Quackity muttered.

“I don’t care.” Wilbur snapped back. 

Quackity took another drink. “That seems to be your issue.” He said under his breath.

“Excuse me?”

“Nothing.”

“No.” Wilbur turned to face him. “No, you got something to say? Say it to my face.”

Quackity glared. “You already got me in trouble with my boss today. Isn’t that enough?”

“You got in trouble?”

“Something about failure to foster a healthy classroom environment, blah blah blah… Like I give a shit.” He finished his drink and slammed it on the counter. “Can I get another?”

“Are you two gonna start fighting?” The bartender asked.

“Don’t worry, Jack.” Wilbur said as he sized Quackity up. “I can take him.”

“You wanna bet?” Quackity said, starting to stand, fully prepared to deck him.

“If you two start fighting, I’m cutting you both off for good.”

Quackity sighed and sat back down. “Just give me another drink.”

The bartender, Jack, nodded and reached to refill his glass.

“Pussy.” Wilbur muttered.

“I came here to drink, fight.”

“Whatever.”

Quackity looked over at him again. He didn’t have a glass. Instead, he had a half-empty bottle of watermelon vodka in front of him, and it looked like he was just drinking it straight. Now that he wasn’t actively trying to pick a fight, he was just staring miserably into his bottle. Quackity felt a twinge of pity in his chest. Whatever led a man to drinking straight from the bottle before 6 PM on a Tuesday had to be pretty bad.

They drank quietly for a while, taking small glances at each other every now and then, like they were daring each other to be the first to break the silence. The fact that they were the only two patrons in here only made it more awkward. Finally, Quackity sighed. “Rough day?” He asked in a quiet enough voice that Wilbur could ignore him if he wanted to.

Wilbur took another drink from his bottle. “Work is hell, and I’m a bad parent.”

Quackity nodded to himself. “I can agree with you there.”

“That I’m a bad parent?”

“Well yeah, but I meant me.”

Wilbur raised his eyebrows. “You have a kid?”

“Yeah… He’s almost four.”

“That’s a fun age.”

Quackity sighed. “I wouldn’t know. Barely spend any time with him these days.”

“Oh… Sorry.”

“It is what it is.” He took a long drink. “So… Watermelon vodka?”

Wilbur grimaced. “No one orders it, so Jack gave me the whole bottle for cheap. I just have to finish it.”

“How cheap?”

“Five bucks.”

“Seriously? That’s like- You couldn’t buy two shots with that.”

“Only if you finish that stupid thing.” Jack said, pointing at him.

“I’m so glad you care about me, Jack Manifold. Other people would worry about alcohol poisoning or liver damage, but no, Jack. You care about my ability to get drunk quickly, and I appreciate that.”

Jack rolled his eyes. “I care about my limited shelf space. And your tab is long enough as it is. I don’t need to keep track of another night of you binge drinking Long Island iced teas.”

“In my defense, you make them so good.”

“Flattery will get you nowhere, Wilbur Soot.”

“Not even like… one Long Island?”

“No.”

“Damn.”

“Long Island iced tea?” Quackity asked.

“What of it?”

“I dunno. Wouldn’t’ve pegged you as a cocktail guy.”

“Oh please. Give me a sex on the beach over whiskey any day. If I’m in the mood to drink, I’d rather not suffer while I do it.”

Quackity scoffed. “Whiskey’s not that bad.”

“No, you know what? That’s it. I won’t stand for this. Jack, make this man a Long Island!”

Jack wiggled his fingers at Quackity like he was casting a spell. “Abra cadabra… Bam! He’s a long island now. You’re welcome.”

Both Wilbur and Quackity glared at him.

He crossed his arms. “Did you even bring your wallet, Wilbur?”

“Just put it on my tab. You know I’m good for it.”

“So you’re buying me a drink…?” Quackity asked slowly.

“No, I’m hiring a magician to turn you into a landmass, apparently. Now, Jack, if you will.”

“Ugh, fine.” Jack said with a sigh as he turned to start mixing it.

Quackity set his whiskey down with furrowed eyebrows, trying to wrap his head around Wilbur buying him a drink not ten minutes after trying to pick a fight with him. Was he angling at something? It was kind of in poor taste considering how recently his wife had died. He shrugged to himself. It wasn’t like he was going to turn down a free drink, even if it was some fruity cocktail.

***

While Jack made the Long Island, Wilbur watched as Quackity glared into his whiskey. He wondered what had brought Quackity here. He figured it must be hospital-related. It was walking distance from the Howling Cow, so many regulars here were nurses, doctors, and family members of long-term patients.

“What’re you looking at?” Quackity asked, noticing Wilbur’s gaze. “Do I have something on my face?”

“Oh. Nothing. It’s just nice, I guess… Not drinking alone for once.”

“What do you want from me, Wilbur?” Quackity muttered in a tired voice.

“What?”

“You’re suddenly being all nice and buying me drinks and shit? I mean I’m flattered but-”

Wilbur’s eyes widened, and he stumbled over himself, trying to answer but unable to get the words out fast enough. “Oh- No, I- I’m not- I mean you’re lovely and all, but I’m not- I’m not gay.”

“You’re not?” Quackity said in a voice that said he didn’t believe Wilbur one bit.

“I’m not. I- I- I don’t… I was just trying to be nice because I- you seemed down, and I- I wasn’t hitting on you. I really wasn’t.”

“Okay.” Quackity said with a shrug. “Thanks for the drink then.”

“I’m not gay.”

“I said okay.”

“But- but I’m not.”

“Heard that before.” Quackity picked up his new drink, which Jack must have given him while Wilbur was panicking. He sipped it, and his eyes widened. “Shit, this is really good…” He looked up at Jack. “How much alcohol is in this?”

“A lot more than you think.” Jack answered. “That’s a good five beers right there.”

“Huh.” He took another drink. “Nice.”

Meanwhile, Wilbur could feel himself turning red as he opened and closed his mouth, trying to come up with something convincing to say. “Look. Quackity-”

“Wilbur.” Quackity interrupted. “It’s fine. I get it. I had you pegged wrong is all.”

Wilbur’s voice went an octave higher in embarrassment. “You… had me pegged? Like- like as gay?” 

“I mean I guess I… Are you blushing?”

“No.” He said quickly. “It’s just the lighting- And actually I’m gonna… Jack, can I take this home with me?”

“Is that something your dad would allow?” Jack asked.

“I’m not a kid!”

“Look, mate. I just don’t want him coming in here to yell at me again. That was scary.”

“You live with your dad?” Quackity asked.

Wilbur bristled. “Yeah? What of it?”

“Nothing… It’s just interesting.”

“Why?”

“Honestly, I’ve had too much to drink to talk psychology right now.”

“What do you know about psychology?”

Quackity’s eyes fell to the floor with an almost hurt expression. “Fair enough.”

“So if you don’t mind, I’m just gonna go…” He started to stand.

“What if I do mind?”

“Huh?”

“Forget it…” He sighed. “Get home safe, Wilbur.”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

Chapter Text

Wilbur tapped his foot nervously as he watched the other parents stand up and give their spiels. He’d made it through the high-profile lawyer alright, but when the next parent walked up in a lab coat and introduced their double PhD in neuroscience and biochemistry, he reached for his water bottle.

He took a drink, and the watermelon vodka burned down his throat. But he kept a straight face because drinking on school premises was generally frowned upon. He’d actually been drinking all morning. Ever since he’d woken up, excited for his day off, only to have Fundy remind him it was career day. Now he was sitting in the back of the classroom in an uncomfortable, plastic chair that was too small, dreading his turn to talk.

He had a comfortable buzz going right now that was keeping the nervousness somewhat at bay, and he intended to keep it that way until he could leave this godawful school. 

“Do you wanna go next, Will?” Phil asked quietly next to him. “You seem nervous.”

“Oh, sure, Phil. I’ll just go right after the double doctorate science genius who brought a fucking chemistry set for the kids to play with. Change management and spreadsheets. That’ll be a great follow-up to green fire and glowing slime.”

“You’ll be alright. The kids aren’t expecting Bill Nye for every presentation.”

“I’m gonna bore them to tears in seconds.”

Phil chuckled. “Now that would be impressive.”

Wilbur groaned. “Can I please just leave?”

Phil didn’t answer. He just gave Wilbur a look, then went back to watching Dr. Overachiever’s presentation. Wilbur sighed and took a long drink from his water bottle. When Quackity—whom Wilbur hadn’t been able to make eye contact with for days, given the awkwardness that happened a few nights ago—asked who wanted to go next, Wilbur sank lower in his chair, praying someone else would go.

Unfortunately, Phil was the first to raise his hand. Wilbur sighed. His water bottle had about three shots worth left in it, so he decided to just chug it. Screw being buzzed, he wanted to black out.

Phil stood up and went to the front of the class. “Um, hello everyone. I’m Phil, Tommy’s dad, and I’m actually an indie game developer. I created a little game, you might have heard of it-”

“He made Minecraft!” Tommy yelled. “I told you fuckers my dad made Minecraft!”

“Language.” Quackity muttered in a lackluster voice.

“Now, Tommy, that’s not entirely true. There’s a lot of work that goes into making a game. I’m just a programmer, but there are artists and sound designers-”

“He made Minecraft!” Tommy interrupted again. “Did you hear that, Dream? It’s Philza, the creator of Minecraft himself! You know, that game you’re obsessed with?”

“Shut up, Tommy.” Dream mumbled.

“Phil, Dream won’t shut up about how cracked he is at your game.”

George glared at Tommy. “If he’s really your dad, then why do you call him Phil?”

“Well-” Tommy faltered awkwardly. “See he adopted me a bit ago, so it’s a little weird calling him dad because- But he is my dad! I swear! I’ve got the papers.”

“Oh yeah? Let’s see them.”

“Well not on me right now, dickhead-”

“Tommy, language.” Quackity chastised, a little louder this time.

“But he’s being a dick!”

“Tommy.” Phil said sternly, and Tommy fell silent. “And what’s your name?” He asked George.

“George…?”

“You should try to remember that there are different kinds of families out there other than your own, okay George?”

“Okay…”

“Now, who has questions about making games like Minecraft?”

Hands shot up. Almost every student had their hand raised.

“Do you have to go to school to make games?” One of the kids asked.

“Yes. Even if they’re not teaching you programming or graphic design, school teaches you very important things you’ll need to make games like time management and logical thinking.”

“Is it fun making games?” Another kid asked.

“Yes, it’s very fun. I like my job a lot. Even if it gets frustrating sometimes, it’s very rewarding when you finally figure a problem out.”

“Do you make a lot of money?”

“I’d say Minecraft is pretty successful, so yeah. But I don’t do it for the money. I do it because it’s fun, and I like it. You should always try to do something you’re passionate about, that way you look forward to-”

Wilbur groaned. “Oh, shut the fuck up.” He muttered. But he must have said it louder than he intended to because now everyone was turning to look at him. “What’re you all looking at? I’m right. He’s talking bullshit.” He noticed he was slurring his words a little, but it was fine.

“Will-” Phil tried to say.

“No. No, you should tell them that that ‘follow your passions’ schtick is bullshit! It’s a one-in-a-billion shot that that gets you anywhere in life aside from broke and depressed. People always say to follow your dreams, but they never warn you about the student loans or the debt or the bills you have to pay or how many fucking times life is just gonna kick you in the balls.”

“Did you seriously come to my classroom drunk?” Quackity asked, marching up to him with an angry expression.

“Oh, are you mad at me for telling the truth, Quackity? Or are you seriously going to tell me teaching middle school math is where you wanted to end up in life? Is this endgame for you? Are you living the dream right now-”

Quackity grabbed him by the arm and pulled him to his feet. “Out.”

“You can’t just-”

He started pulling Wilbur toward the door. “Get out right now, or I’m calling the fucking police.”

“Fine, fine.” Wilbur stumbled as he was dragged out. “Didn’t want to fucking be here anyway.”

They went out the door, and Quackity slammed it shut behind them. Before Wilbur could say anything, Quackity grabbed him by the shirt and shoved him against the wall of lockers. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” He hissed.

Wilbur’s mind went completely blank. All he could think about was how close Quackity was to him, the spearmint on his breath, the golden flecks in his eyes, and the pressure of his arm against Wilbur’s neck as he pushed him against the locker.

His heart was racing. He’d never felt this way before; so completely and utterly distracted by the proximity of another person. He vaguely registered that Quackity was still talking, but his brain just couldn’t process what was being said. Instead it focused on how soft Quackity’s lips looked.

And then came the mortifying realization that he was getting hard. He quickly pushed Quackity off him. “Um, well- Quackity, you’re- It’s been lovely, but I, uh- I need to go. Now.”

“What?”

“I need to leave. Immediately.”

“Did you even hear a single thing I said?”

“Not really.”

“You- The fuck is your problem?”

“A lot.” He started backing away. “Possibly more than I thought. Um- Bye!” With that, he basically sprinted down the stairs and out of the building. Given how much he’d drunk, it was a small miracle he made it to the car without tripping. And then he realized he didn’t have the keys. Phil did.

Given that going back in was absolutely not an option, he decided on walking home. It was only three miles or so. He could make it. And if not, and he got hit by a car or eaten by a rogue bear or something on the way, he’d be fine with that too. Actually, he might prefer it.

He ran his fingers through his hair as he walked. His interaction with Quackity at the bar had been stewing in the back of his mind ever since. It certainly wasn’t the first time he’d been called gay, but usually it was just an insult. Not someone genuinely thinking he was flirting with them. He hadn’t been able to figure out why it was bothering him so much. But now he was starting to worry that it bothered him because it might be…

He shook his head. That was ridiculous. He and Sally had gotten married before Fundy was even born. Ten years or so. There was absolutely no chance he was gay. It was just Quackity. Quackity was the problem here. It was a fluke. He’d never never had feelings like these before he met Quackity.

Quackity, with his infectious laugh and stupid smile and unfairly distracting eyes. Wilbur nodded to himself. He just needed to stay away from Quackity, and it would all be fine. Everything could go back to normal.

He walked in silence for a bit, stumbling several times, and eventually tripping over his own feet so badly he fell. He threw out his hands to try to catch himself, landing first on his right. A crunch reverberated up his arm. He sat on the pavement as a feeling of dizzy shock came over him first, and then came the throbbing pain. It hurt too much for him to even scream. He just sat there grasping and clutching his arm, afraid to move.

His hand was scraped and bleeding, but that wasn’t the bad part. His wrist looked wrong. It was quickly swelling up and turning purple. Involuntary tears of pain were quickly rising to his eyes as he started getting dizzy from the gasping breaths he’d been taking. Everything was spinning. Not knowing what else to do, he slowly laid down on the pavement, still clutching his arm and trying to breath without sobbing.

Chapter Text

The class sat in shock as Mr. Quackity dragged Wilbur out of the room. Tommy and Fundy looked at each other, and then to Phil, who was standing at the front of the class with a bewildered expression. “Well, everyone,” Phil said, clapping his hands together, “Who else has a question about Minecraft?”

A few kids slowly raised their hands, and Phil went around answering their questions. The atmosphere in the classroom was unbearably uncomfortable, and the fact that everyone’s parents were sat in the back of the room was not helping. Even Tommy felt too self-conscious to say anything.

Finally, Mr. Quackity came back, but without Wilbur. He started speaking quietly with Phil and the other parents, so Tommy leaned over to Fundy and whispered, “Do you think he’s dead?”

“What? Like Mr. Quackity killed him?”

Tommy nodded.

“I hope not…” Fundy muttered, looking worried.

George leaned back to join in the conversation. “I wouldn’t put it past him.” He said in a whisper. “How do you think he got that scar?”

Tommy and Fundy glanced at each other and shrugged.

“In a fight to the death, obviously.” George said with an eyeroll.

Sapnap nodded. “Oh, he’s definitely killed before.”

“Both of you shut up! My dad isn’t dead!”

“He is too.” George said with a quiet laugh. “We’re gonna go out into the hallway and find his body.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, George.” Sapnap said. “Mr. Quackity probably hid the body in a locker or something.”

George rolled his eyes again. “Well there’ll still be blood. It’s not like he had time to mop.”

“Unless he just broke Fundy’s dad’s neck. I bet it’d be easy considering how drunk he was… Fundy, is your dad always that drunk?”

Tommy looked over at Fundy, who looked like he was gonna cry, then back at George and Sapnap who were still giggling as they speculated about Wilbur’s murder. “Will you two shut the fuck up?” He asked, annoyed. “You guys always do this.”

“Do what?” George asked.

“You try to upset people, and it’s mean, and you should stop.”

“Or what?”

Tommy clenched his fists, but before he could do anything, Dream leaned over to interrupt. “It’s not their fault Fundy’s so sensitive.” He whispered.

“Oh shut up, Dream, you-”

And then Mr. Quackity walked over with his arms crossed. “What’s going on here, Tommy?”

“They’re being bitches. Tell them to stop.”

“Tommy. Language. I’m not going to say it again.”

“You- They’re the ones who- I’m not- You can’t just-” Tommy sputtered angrily, trying to come up with a convincing argument. But no argument was going to be good enough to convince a teacher that Dream had done anything wrong. “Whatever.” He said, crossing his arms and glaring in the direction of Dream and George.

All the parents were leaving. Even Phil gave a little wave and walked out. Tommy listened for any exclamations of surprise at a pool of blood in the hallway, but there was nothing. He looked over again at Fundy, who was dragging his eraser across his desk with a forlorn expression.

Tommy worried about him. Not only were the other kids always mean to him, his mum and dad’s whole drama had given him nightmares so bad he rarely slept. He never talked about it, but Tommy could hear him screaming at night, and often, he would wake up early and come downstairs to find Fundy already awake, sitting at the tv, playing games like he’d been there for hours. Plus he was failing half his classes and barely scraping by in the rest.

He couldn’t imagine how much it must suck to have Wilbur for a dad. Living in the same house as him was bad enough. And Tommy hadn’t once seen him talk to Fundy about any of the stuff going on. Sure he was easy going and never got on Fundy about the biting, but then he pulled humiliating shit like getting drunk at school that more than balanced out any cool dad points he might have earned taking Fundy to ice cream.

Tommy sighed. Mr. Quackity had started talking about their career day project: an essay about what career they wanted. And Tommy hadn’t heard a single bit of it. He looked around to see if anyone was taking notes. Dream was. Of course he was. Tommy leaned over, trying to catch a glimpse of what he’d written down, and Dream immediately shifted to block his view.

“Prick…” Tommy muttered. He’d just have to steal Dream’s notebook later.

When the bell finally rang, everyone hurried out into the hallway to see if they could find Wilbur’s body. Everyone except Fundy, who was still sitting at his desk, staring at a scrap of paper someone must have passed him.

“You okay, Fundy?” Tommy asked, even though he was already halfway out the door.

“Yeah… It’s fine.” He did not sound fine.

“I doubt he’s really dead.”

“Great.” Fundy said in a deadpan voice.

Tommy stepped back into the classroom. “Are you alright, man? You wanna talk?”

“You wouldn’t get it.”

“Hey, I was in the foster system. I’ve had my fair share of shitty parental units.”

“Any of them come to school drunk just to humiliate you?”

“I… Fair enough.” He sighed. “I’m sorry, Fundy. I know I give you a hard time about being my technical nephew and all, which is actually still very funny, but I’m here if you need to talk… Or if you want help fighting Dream and them, cuz I’m so down for that.”

“Really?”

Tommy nodded.

“Does this mean you’ll stop calling me your little nephew?”

“Tell you what, I’ll drop the ‘little’ part.”

Fundy thought for a moment. “I guess I’ll take it.”

“Also, I know where they hide the big sticks if you wanna hit Gogy for being a bitch.”

“I can’t. I’m on probation.”

“Oh… Well then I’ll hit him for you.”

Fundy smiled. “Okay.”

***

Quackity stuck his head into Techno’s office. “Heading out to grab lunch since I forgot to pack one. You want anything?”

“Depends on where you’re going.”

“Uh… Probably McDonald’s or-”

“Fries.” He answered before Quackity could even finish speaking.

“Large?”

“Yeah.” Techno nodded. “I heard you, uh, had some drama in the classroom earlier?”

Quackity sighed. “Yeah… It’s career day. And Wilbur Soot showed up drunk and went on a whole rant telling the kids not to follow their dreams.”

“Oh jeez.”

“Yeah. It was definitely something.”

“I mean it makes sense. At least for him.”

“What- How?”

“Well he did the whole starving artist thing for a bit. Wasn’t great. Not to mention the whole knocked up situation…” He thought for a moment. “Then again, he’d probably try to kill me for telling you about this so…”

Quackity blinked at him, stunned for a moment. “Then why tell me?”

Techno shrugged. “Go easy on him.”

“Right… Anyway, I’ll be back in a bit.”

“Alright. Drive safe.”

Quackity gave him a smile that was more of a grimace and shut Techno’s door. “Fucker…” He muttered to himself as he walked away.

***

As he drove away from the school, he caught sight of something yellow on the sidewalk. He slowed to see what it was. If another kid had left their backpack somewhere random to avoid turning in work, he was going to scream. 

But upon closer inspection, it didn’t look like a backpack; it looked like a person. He pulled over and got out. It was Wilbur lying on the sidewalk. “Holy shit.” Quackity ran over. “Are you alive?” He asked anxiously.

Wilbur slowly opened his eyes. “Quackity…?”

Quackity gave a relieved sigh. “What the hell happened?”

“Fell…” He tried to move and winced. “Think I broke my wrist.”

He looked at Wilbur’s wrist. It was a hideous purple, and it was not wrist-shaped. “No shit. C’mon, get up. I’m taking you to the hospital.”

Wilbur hesitated. “… Honestly just leave me here.”

“On the sidewalk?”

He nodded.

“You want to stay on the sidewalk? With a broken wrist? In the cold?”

“What do you care?”

“It’s called basic human decency, Wilbur. Now stop being pathetic and get up.”

“I- I’m not being pathetic!”

“Then get up.” Quackity grabbed his uninjured arm and pulled on it, but Wilbur resisted. “What the fuck is wrong with you? Do I need to go get Techno to carry you to the hospital? Cuz I’m sure he could.”

“No! No, no, no. Don’t call Techno.”

“Then. Get. Up.”

“I’m up, I’m up.” He pushed himself to sitting and almost immediately fell back over. Quackity caught him before he hit the pavement. “Get off me! I don’t need help.” Wilbur said plaintively.

“Clearly you do.”

“I’m fine.”

Quackity moved his hand like he was going to hit Wilbur’s broken wrist. Wilbur gasped in fear and flinched away. “Yeah. That’s what I thought. Now let me help you up.”

“You’re such a dick.” Wilbur said in a shaky voice.

“Holy shit, you are so lucky I don’t just leave you here for the coyotes to find.” He helped pull Wilbur to his feet. Wilbur stumbled, so Quackity put an arm around his waist to steady him.

“Get off me!” Wilbur said in a shrill voice, trying to push Quackity off.

“What the fuck is your problem? You wanna break something else?”

“No, I- I- I just- I, uh… Nothing, nothing. You said hospital?”

“Yeah.”

Wilbur sighed. “Alright.”

Chapter Text

By the time Quackity helped him into the car, Wilbur was certain his face was bright red. He could feel it burning. The embarrassment had almost completely overwritten the pain. He’d never felt so flustered before in his life. And having Quackity hold him as they walked? Some sick, little part of him was almost happy he’d broken his wrist. He hated it. 

They sat in silence in the car. It was agony for multiple reasons. Finally, Quackity said something. “So… you just tripped and fell?”

“Yeah…”

“What were you even doing out there?”

“Walking home…?”

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t you live in the other direction?”

Wilbur thought about it. He did. He definitely did. But he didn’t want to admit that to Quackity, so he stayed quiet.

“I’ll take your silence as a yes.”

“N-no!” Then he sighed in defeat. “How’d you even know that?”

“I pay attention to which way cars go when parents pick their kids up.”

“Oh…”

“Follow up question, why did you bring watermelon vodka to school?”

“How’d you…?”

“Smelled it on your breath.”

He could feel himself turning redder. “Oh.”

“So why bring vodka to school?”

“It- it’s kinda grown on me?”

“You know that’s not what I meant.”

“Yeah…” He sighed. “Can we not? I’m kind of in enough pain right now.”

“Fair enough. It’s your business anyway.”

“Thanks…” He swallowed heavily. “I appreciate that.”

“Are you gonna cry?”

“It just hurts a lot, okay?” Wilbur snapped a little louder than he meant to.

Quackity pursed his lips. “… Okay.”

***

Wilbur glanced over at Quackity, who was sitting in the chair next to his hospital bed, scrolling through his phone. Even though Wilbur had fully expected Quackity to drop him at the door and leave, he’d insisted on staying at least until someone else came. It didn’t make any sense.

Quackity looked up; they made eye contact, and Wilbur quickly looked away. “Why do you keep looking at me?” Quackity asked in an annoyed voice.

“I just… Why are you here?”

Quackity shrugged. “Sucks to be alone in the ER.”

“But- I mean Phil said he’d come by if I’m still here when he finishes work up. Doubt it’ll be that long.”

“How’re you getting home?”

“Uber?”

“So… You’re saying you want me to leave?”

Before he could decide on an answer, the nurse came in with a clipboard, a bottle of IV medicine, and verified his name and birthday before sitting down to give him the medicine.

“How’s your pain?” The nurse asked.

“Uh… Bad?”

“On a scale of one to ten.”

“Like an eight?”

“Well this should help with that-”

“What is it?” Quackity interrupted.

“We’re just giving him a little morphine to-”

“You can’t.” He said quickly. “Doesn’t his chart say he’s been drinking?”

The nurse raised her eyebrows and looked back over the chart. “I don’t see that anywhere…”

“Well he drank a lot of vodka this morning. You can’t give him morphine.” Wilbur had never heard Quackity sound so sincere or so urgent.

“I’ll… be right back. I need to check in with the doctor.” The nurse quickly stood and hurried out.

Wilbur looked at Quackity in confusion. 

“Alcohol and narcotics don’t mix.” Quackity explained. “Like at all.”

“You…” Wilbur trailed off, unsure of where he was going to go with that. “Guess I’m glad you stuck around after all.”

“Yeah. You should be.”

“I- Thanks…” He trailed off awkwardly. “Um- Could you, uh- could you move the blanket over my feet? They’re kinda freezing.”

“I’ll get you a heated blanket.”

“That’s an option?”

“Be right back.”

Just as Quackity stood, the doctor who’d set Wilbur’s wrist came in. He looked cross. “Why didn’t you say in triage that you’d been drinking?”

“I, uh… I didn’t think it was important?” Wilbur answered quietly.

“You’re lucky your friend was here, or you’d be in a lot of trouble right now.”

“He’s not my- I mean- Yeah… Yeah, I am lucky.”

“In the future, always tell your doctors if you’re on anything at all. Even alcohol.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Now since we can’t give you pain medication right now, we might as well discharge you. I’ll give you a prescription for some painkillers, just remember not to drink before or after you take them, or you’ll end up back here in a best case scenario.”

Wilbur nodded.

The doctor turned to Quackity. “It’s Quackity, right? Are you taking him home?”

Quackity nodded. “Yeah.”

“Alright. And I trust you know your way out.”

“I do.”

The doctor quickly scribbled out a prescription and handed it to Quackity. “See that that gets to his pharmacy.”

“I will.”

With that, the doctor turned and marched out. Quackity gestured for Wilbur to get up, so he did. Quackity helped him check out and led him through the maze of walls like it was his own home.

“You’re here a lot, huh?” Wilbur asked quietly.

“Yeah… Most of the doctors at least recognize me.”

“Can I ask what happened?”

“Car accident… I got off lucky.” Quackity pointed at the fresh scar on his face. “Just this and a few broken ribs. But my, uh… friend? Not so much. He’s still in intensive care.”

“I’m-”

Quackity raised a hand to stop him. “Don’t say you’re sorry. I’ve heard that way too fucking much, and it means nothing.”

“Oh… Well, I don’t really know what else to say.”

“Then don’t say anything.”

Wilbur nodded. “Well… thanks for sticking around with me then.”

“Yeah, well I’ve done the ER on your own thing before. Not something I would even wish on my enemies.”

“You got a lot of those?” Wilbur asked with a slight laugh.

“Parents.”

“That make me an enemy?”

“I dunno… But you’re definitely a pain in my ass.”

Wilbur laughed. 

Then Quackity gave one of his rare smiles, and Wilbur’s heart just about stopped. His stomach twisted in knots, and it was all he could do not to just bolt in the other direction. Instead, he just followed Quackity in silence, uncomfortably aware of the heat in his cheeks. Hopefully Quackity wouldn’t notice his blush.

They made it to the valet, and Quackity went to ask for his car. 

“You, uh- you- you- you-” Wilbur stumbled over his words, trying to get them out. “You don’t have to drive me. I can just Uber or- or something- The hospital’s pretty walkable from my house actually, so-”

“You’re gonna walk?” Quackity asked in disbelief. 

“Maybe.” 

“Right after you broke your wrist by trying to walk home?”

“I- I-” He sighed. “Fair enough…”

“Why’re you acting so weird?”

“I’m not weird.” He said with only a slight voice break.

“Yeah. You are. You’re all stuttery and shit.”

“This is how I always talk.”

“Oh yeah? Voice breaks and all?”

Wilbur lowered his voice, so it would stop breaking. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Quackity laughed, and Wilbur’s stomach knotted even more. It was painful at this point. Almost more than his wrist. He found himself staring at Quackity’s lips again. They looked so soft… He shook himself. This was ridiculous. He wasn’t gay. He wasn’t. So why was this getting to him so much?

They got in Quackity’s car once the valet brought it up, and Wilbur anxiously tapped his foot, working up the courage to ask his question. “Back at the bar, uh… You- you said you had me pegged wrong. Why was that?”

“Cuz you’re not actually gay?”

“No, no. I mean why did you peg me- I mean why did you think I was gay? What- what made you think that?”

“I dunno. Vibes? I’m usually pretty good at noticing when people are checking me out- I’m not saying that you have, I just… Yeah, I don’t know what I’m trying to say. Just a gut feeling, I guess.”

“Are you gay?” Wilbur asked without thinking. Then he immediately thought better of it and tried to backtrack. “Sorry. That, uh- that’s a really personal question, isn’t it? I didn’t mean to-”

“You’ve never had a conversation like this before, have you?” Quackity asked with a chuckle.

“I- I’m not- I mean it’s not like I’m anti-gay. I’m not. Gay rights all the way. Love is love. I just…” He sighed. “You’re right… I’ve never really talked about this stuff before. Kind of a small town, you know? I’d never even heard of they/them pronouns before I met Eret. And to be honest, I’m still not sure I completely understand, but I try my best to not be a dick about it…”

Quackity nodded. “I am, by the way.”

“What?”

“I’m gay.”

“O-oh.”

“So if you ever have questions about LGBTQ+ stuff, you can ask me. I might not have the best answers cuz I’m not queerwiki but…”

“Can I ask a really dumb one then?”

“Sure.”

“What’s it stand for…? The whole acronym I mean.”

Quackity covered his mouth like he was trying not to laugh. 

Wilbur could feel himself going red again. “Don’t laugh at me!”

“I’m not.”

“You so are.”

“Okay, maybe a little…” He took a deep breath. “It’s lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer or questioning.”

“What about the plus?”

“Well that’s to include all the other stuff.”

“There’s more?”

“Like how Eret is nonbinary? There are tons. If we tried to put all the possible orientations and identities and shit into one acronym, it’d be a very long keyboard smash that twitter would fight over.”

Wilbur noticed that Quackity had parked in front of Phil’s house. They’d probably been here a while, but he was too full of questions to get out yet. “How many do you think there are?”

“Honestly? No clue. Too many for me to keep track of.”

He fell silent for a moment. “So… how’d you know?”

“Well you know Harry Potter? It all starts when you get your letter of queerness, and then you get sorted into the different genders and-”

“Oh shut up. That was a serious question.”

Quackity laughed, but before he could answer, his phone rang. “Hold on a sec.” He picked it up and answered. “Hey, Eret. No, I actually had to take someone to the hospital. Yes, I’m being serious. Do you want a doctor’s note? Hang on…” He looked over at Wilbur. “They need me back at school. You gonna be okay?”

Wilbur nodded.

“Tell you what. I’ll meet you at that weird cow bar tomorrow night, and we can talk more then, okay?”

“Really?”

“Sure.”

“I- I guess I’ll see you then.”

“Mhm.”

“I… Thank you.”

“And don’t forget this.” Quackity held out the painkiller prescription. “Remember not to drink and drug.”

“Right.” He awkwardly opened the car door with his left hand, the unbroken one, and carefully got out. “Thanks again.”

“Take care, Wilbur.”

Chapter Text

As Wilbur lay in his bed, his head spinning from pain, he couldn’t help but think about Quackity. He wanted to meet up. He wanted to talk about things. The thought made his stomach twist in a very not normal way. He heard footsteps coming up the attic stairs, and he quickly sat up. It was Phil. He didn’t look happy.

“Hey, Phil…” Wilbur said nervously. “What’s up?”

Phil didn’t answer. He just sighed and sat at the foot of Wilbur’s bed with that classic, disappointed look that he only seemed to use on Wilbur.

“Don’t look at me like that. I know I screwed up, okay?”

“Do you?”

“I do! And I got instant karma too,” He held up his cast as evidence, “So I really don’t need the lecture.”

“This isn’t gonna be a lecture, Will. I just have a question.”

“Okay…?”

“Are you okay?”

“What?”

“Are you okay?” He repeated a little slower.

“I- I’m fine.”

“No, like actually okay. I know you have a lot going on, and I don’t think you’ve been dealing with it in a healthy way.”

“Well I’ve got a broken wrist, and I’m starting to feel a hangover coming on.”

“Not just physically. Cuz a lot of this? It feels like a cry for help, and I want to make sure I’m listening.”

Wilbur bristled. “It’s not a ‘cry for help’. I don’t need help.”

“If you don’t want to talk to me, that’s fine. I can help you find a counselor who takes your insurance.”

“I said I’m fine!” Wilbur snapped. “Jesus, could you stop treating me like a kid for once?”

“Only if you stop acting like one.”

“Kids don’t drink vodka.”

Phil raised an eyebrow. “Really? That’s really what you’re going with as a defense?”

Wilbur opened his mouth to give another snarky response, but they all dried up in his throat at the withering look Phil gave him. “I’m sorry…” He said instead.

“You should tell that to Fundy instead.”

“Fundy?”

“Did you even think about how embarrassing you showing up drunk must have been for him? Kids were teasing him all day, even after Tommy hit George with a stick.”

“Tommy did what?”

“Tell you what, I’ll deal with my kid. You apologize to yours.”

“I… don’t even know what to say.”

Phil shrugged. “I just know he thinks the world of you, Will. I’d hate to see that change.”

Wilbur grimaced. “Yeah. Thanks.”

***

Wilbur knocked on Fundy’s door. No answer. “Fundy?” He asked. Still no answer. “Can I come in?” He waited a moment longer, then slowly opened the door.

Fundy was lying on his bed, curled up with his back to the door. 

“Fundy?” Wilbur asked again.

Fundy still wasn’t answering. But he was definitely breathing, so at least he was alive.

“Look…” Wilbur sighed. “I’m really sorry. I know I screwed up, and I know I’m shit at this. And I know your mum would deal with all of this so much better than I can, so I’m sorry for that too. If I weren’t such an idiot… Well, a lot of things would be different. Things would be better for you. And I’m gonna try to do better. I really am. No more getting drunk, no more pissing off your teachers…” He paused, waiting for Fundy to say something. He didn’t. “And… if you’d rather go with your mum, I get that. I’ll call her if you want. I’ve been meaning to anyway since she wants to see you, so-”

“I don’t wanna see her.” Fundy mumbled. 

“You don’t?” Wilbur asked, genuinely surprised.

Fundy shook his head.

“Why- why not?”

“It’s simple… You stayed. She left.”

“Oh…” A twist of guilt ran through him. Fundy had never heard the full story. “Fundy-”

“At least you care, even if you’re bad at it.”

“Your mum- Do you really think she doesn’t care?”

Fundy shrugged. “She abandoned us, didn’t she?”

“Well- You know life is never actually that simple, right? People always have reasons for what they do, and your mum… She does love you.”

“Stop.”

“What?”

“It’s already hard and stupid and confusing, and you’re just… You’re making it worse. I don’t want to know if she cares, cuz even if she does, she still left. That’s what matters.”

“So… you don’t want to see her then?”

Fundy shook his head.

“You still mad at me?”

“Can you just stop going to my school?”

“I’ll try.”

“Every time you do, you make things worse.”

“I know…” He sighed. “Can I get you anything?”

“Just shut the door when you leave.”

Wilbur nodded to himself. “I love you, champ.”

Fundy didn’t answer.

Wilbur backed out and slowly shut the door. Bracing himself, he took out his phone and scrolled through his blocked list. Among all the spam callers was Sally’s number. He hesitated for a moment, and then unblocked and dialed it. She picked up on the second ring.

“Wilbur?”

The sound of her voice filled him with sickening guilt. “Hey, Sally…”

“Is everything okay?”

“What? Why do you ask?”

“Well I figure you’d only call if the world was literally about to end.” She said with a slight laugh, then she paused. “Oh god, is Fundy okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, he’s fine. He’s good.”

“Then why are you calling?”

“Uh- Phil told me to call you.”

“Of course he did…” It might have been his imagination, but she almost sounded sad.

“He said you called him?”

“I did.”

“Well Fundy doesn’t want to see you.”

“… What?”

“I just talked to him. He doesn’t want to see you.”

“I… You can’t do this!” And there it was. She was starting to get angry. “He’s my son. I have a right to see him.”

“Well he should have a right to choose who he sees.”

“Are you lying?”

“Why would I lie?”

“Because you’re insecure, Wilbur. You always have been. You can’t just keep Fundy to yourself because you’re afraid he’ll leave.”

“You left!”

“ I tried to make it work. You were the one who- No, you know what? I’m not having this fight again. Make sure Fundy has my number, and if he ever needs me, then he can call.”

“As if.” He said scornfully.

“Goodbye, Wilbur.”

The line went dead. He resisted the urge to put his phone in a blender at max power, and instead put it back in his pocket. He went back to the attic, pacing angrily until the throbbing in his wrist made him so lightheaded that he had to sit down. He lied back, trying to think of something else. Anything. And his mind eventually settled on Quackity, who was for once a welcome distraction.

Chapter Text

Wilbur’s stomach was a knot of anxiety as he approached the Howling Car Bar. He felt like he was losing his mind. Ever since he’d last spoken to Quackity, his brain had been playing the interaction on loop, trying to find answers in it. He sighed and leaned his head against the bar door, trying to work up the courage to go in. He was so absorbed in his own thoughts, that he almost fell in when someone opened the door from the inside. 

“The fuck?” The person trying to leave exclaimed.

“Sorry, sorry, sorry.” He mumbled as he squeezed past them into the bar. He looked up to see there were a few people at the bar, two in a booth, and Quackity. He was standing at the pool table, cue in hand, probably in the middle of a game. Wilbur nervously approached. “Hey, Quackity…”

Quackity looked up from his game. “You look awful.”

“Oh. Well I didn’t really sleep so…”

“I can tell.” He leaned his cue against the pool table and picked up his drink. It was a half-empty Long Island iced tea. “What’s on your mind?”

“A lot.” He gave a nervous laugh. “I’ve been doing a lot of googling.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah… Cuz I’m starting to think you might- When you said… about me, I mean-” He ran his hand through his hair. “Fuck, this is hard…”

“Let’s sit down.”

Wilbur nodded and followed Quackity to a booth.

“So… I was gonna tell you how I figured out I was gay, yeah?”

Wilbur nodded again.

“Well, I actually figured it out when I was pretty young. Fundy’s age or so. I, uh… This is gonna be embarrassing, but I had the biggest crush on Taylor Lautner.”

“Like- like from Twilight?”

Quackity groaned. “Yeah… The werewolf from Twilight.”

Wilbur held back a laugh. “So I take it you were Team Jacob?”

“Shut the fuck up. I never even liked those stupid movies, and I never read the books, so don’t you call me a fucking twihard.”

“I wasn’t gonna.” Wilbur said, covering his mouth to hide his smile.

“I only watched them because Jacob was shirtless for like 80% of the time in every movie, and young Quackity- Well, not to say I don’t still appreciate a good pair of abs, but I like to think I have better taste in men now.”

Wilbur couldn’t help but laugh at that. “So- so that was it? You had a crush, and you just figured it out from there?”

“Well no. I mean it was definitely tough. I didn’t have the most supportive family, and I was definitely in denial for a while, but then I had my first kiss with a girl and…” He made a face. “I’d rather be the shittiest gay loser out there than stay in the closet and act like someone I’m not.”

“It was that bad?”

Quackity laughed. “Yes and no? I’m definitely not saying that kissing this girl turned me gay cuz it was so awful, but it made me realize that I would never be able to force myself to be something I’m not. You can’t force feelings to happen; even if you desperately want to, even if you pretend so well you fool yourself, you’re gonna be miserable.” He shrugged and sipped his drink. “Does that help?”

Wilbur was silent for a while. “So when you- when you’re not… with a girl. What’s it like?”

Quackity gave him an odd look. “You’re asking me to describe sex?”

“No!” Wilbur could feel himself turning red. “No, that would be such a- I just- I meant in general? God, I’m sorry. That was an awful question.”

Quackity laughed. “I’m giving you a hard time.”

“Oh…”

“And I guess it’s… I dunno, it’s nice?” He laughed again. “I’m shit at describing things, hold on.” He thought for a moment. “Being with someone should make you feel things? Not just physical, but… If it’s the right person, then even holding hands. It’s more.”

“Oh.”

“You doing okay?”

“What? I’m fine. Why?”

“You keep saying ‘oh’.”

“Oh.” He paused. “I mean, uh- Sorry… I guess a lot of this is just… I was married for a long time, and I never- No, that sounds bad.”

“Never what?”

“I never liked being… intimate? It just never- I mean when Sally wanted to, I- But I didn’t- I mean… I dunno. I just never really liked it.” Now that he had started talking, the words were spilling out. “And people always compare stuff to sex, you know? Like sex is some incredible, unbeatable thing. And for the longest time, I thought they were being sarcastic.

“Legitimately for years, I thought saying something was better than sex was a really sarcastic way of saying it was so-so. And then you hear about people having sex addictions, and I just didn’t get it. Like how could you be addicted to something so… wet and awkward… But then I realized it wasn’t sarcasm, it was me. It was something wrong with me.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you, Wilbur.” Quackity said, almost gently. “However you feel is valid. If you don’t like it, that’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

Suddenly, he felt like he was going to cry. He covered his mouth, trying to blink back the quickly rising tears. “I- I don’t know what to say to that-” He said in a shaking voice. “Fuck…”

“Oh shit, don’t cry. Uh- I didn’t mean to make you-”

“No, it’s fine. I just, uh…” He wiped his eyes. “I’ve never told anyone that before. And I didn’t… Fuck, man. Why’d you have to go and validate me?”

Quackity gave a strained half-laugh. “There’s a sentence I’ve never heard before.”

“Seriously though… You really mean that?”

“Yeah? Why wouldn’t I?”

Wilbur shrugged. “I dunno. I’m a man, you know? We’re supposed to want sex and- and beer and testosterone-”

Quackity rolled his eyes. “That’s such bullshit, and you know it.”

“I just feel… wrong.”

“Look me in the eyes.” Quackity sounded dead serious, so Wilbur reluctantly looked up from the table to meet his gaze. “There is nothing wrong with you.” He said in such a stern voice that Wilbur didn’t know how to respond.

“I…”

“Whatever you’re feeling, it’s real. And it’s not bad or wrong, okay? Don’t you ever fucking think differently because I will actually break your kneecaps.”

“That’s both reassuring and kinda scary.”

“I’m not kidding.”

“Oh. Okay, scratch ‘kinda scary’, I am scared. Please don’t.”

“Well then you’d better accept yourself, huh?”

“I… I don’t even know what I am…”

“That’s fine. You have forever to figure that out, and you don’t even have to. Just repeat after me.” He paused, probably for dramatic effect. “I am not wrong for feeling this way.”

Wilbur hesitated. “I…” Then he trailed off, unable to finish the sentence.

“Say it.”

“I’m not wrong for feeling this way…?” He mumbled awkwardly. He was certain he was bright red.

“I am who I am, and that’s a good thing.”

“Am I supposed to repeat that too?”

“What do you think?”

“I, uh… I am who I am, and that’s a good thing?”

“Good. And don’t you fucking forget that, okay?”

Wilbur nodded slowly. He was still reeling from all this, but something about the confidence Quackity said that with was comforting to him. “Thank you.” He said quietly.

Quackity shrugged. “Don’t mention it. I just wish someone had told me that when I was first figuring this shit out.”

“It, uh… Yeah. It helped.”

“I’m glad.” Quackity took a long sip of his drink, then glanced over at the pool table. “You wanna play?”

“I have a broken wrist.”

“Excuses, excuses.”

“Hey!”

“I bet you’re shit at it anyway.”

“Am not!”

“Oh yeah? Prove it.”

“You have to play one handed too.”

“Okay.” Quackity said with a shrug. “Then you’ll have no excuses after I beat you.”

“Oh, you are so going down.”

“You wanna bet?”

“Twenty bucks.”

Quackity grinned. “You’re on.”

***

Over the following weeks, it became a pattern for them. Quackity would come by the Howling Cow every now and then, about once or twice a week, and he and Wilbur would play pool and drink and chat about meaningless things. It wasn’t much, but it quickly became the thing Wilbur looked forward to most everyday, which in itself was a little pathetic.

They would take turns griping about their jobs or their coworkers or current events. Wilbur would share random trivia he’d learned, and Quackity would sometimes try to translate jokes he knew in Spanish, which usually made no sense in English, but Wilbur still liked seeing him laugh over them. A few times, Quackity even bought him a Long Island after he’d had a particularly bad day. They didn’t talk about personal stuff; neither of them wanted to go there. But still, Wilbur felt more comfortable around Quackity than he did pretty much anyone else. 

He felt almost happy, the happiest he’d been in a while.

And then Halloween happened…

Chapter Text

Quackity looked around the classroom at the stupid, paper Halloween decorations the kids had been making all week. He was so sick of the clutter. At least after the event today, it could finally come down. His room was the apple bobbing room. He sighed. At least it wasn’t pumpkin carving, he told himself.

He checked the hallway. Ranboo should be here any minute to drop off Slime, who was beyond excited to get candy and be around the big kids. And then the parents and kids would come, and everything would descend into chaos. 

“Quackity!” He heard Slime yell from down the hall; he turned just in time to catch him as he dove in for the hug.

“Hey, buddy!” Quackity said with a smile. “You ready to do this Halloween thing?”

“Yes!”

Ranboo was jogging down the hall after Slime. He stopped a few yards short of Quackity, out of breath. “He’s- really- fast-”

“And that’s without sugar.”

Ranboo gave a nervous laugh. “Aren’t you about to give him candy?”

“I love candy!” Slime yelled.

Quackity fought back a grimace. “Mhm.”

“Well, uh- Good luck with that.”

“Thanks.” Quackity took out his wallet. “How long did you have him?”

“Uh… Three hours, I think?”

“Alright.” He counted out the twenty dollar bills. “Here’s a hundred.”

“Oh, but- but, uh- I’m twenty dollars an hour.”

“You also picked him up and drove him here for me. I’m paying you for gas.”

“Oh… well gas isn’t that expensive so-”

“Just take the money.”

“O-okay…”

“Have a good weekend.”

Ranboo nodded and took the money, and then gave an awkward wave to Slime and left. Slime looked up at Quackity. “Candy?”

“In a bit, buddy. You wanna see all the cool decorations the big kids made first?”

“No, I want candy.”

“How about one piece?”

“Is it skittles?”

“It can be.”

Slime grinned and went into the classroom, making a beeline for the candy bucket as soon as he saw it. Quackity followed, mostly to stop him from shoving all the candy in his pockets. “Just one, remember?” He said gently.

“But, Quackity, there are a lots of skittles in here.” He said, holding up a snack-size bag of skittles. “Do I only get one skittle?”

“You can have one little bag of skittles, okay? Save the rest for later.”

“Okay…” He started emptying his pockets of candy. 

“So-” Quackity started to say.

“Quackity!” Bad’s voice interrupted from across the room. “Why didn’t you dress up?”

“Not really my thing.” He turned around and had to do a double take at Bad’s outfit. He was wearing a chef hat and a pink, frilly apron. “What…?”

“I’m a baker! And Sapnap’s my lil muffin.”

Quackity looked around for Sapnap. “Where?”

“I didn’t agree to this…” Sapnap muttered from behind his other dad, Skeppy, who didn’t seem to be wearing a costume either.

“And what are you supposed to be?” Quackity asked Skeppy.

“God.”

“… What?”

Skeppy grinned and pulled his jacket back to reveal a ‘Hello my name is:’ sticker with ‘God’ scrawled across it.

Bad groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. “He was supposed to be a flower! You know, like how you use flour in baking? It was gonna be an awesome pun.”

“You don’t use God when you bake?” Skeppy asked, still grinning.

“No!”

“I guess that explains why you make some God damned good muffins.”

“L-language! Oh my goodness, that was terrible…”

“Can we go home now?” Sapnap asked. 

“But your friends aren’t even here yet!”

“Exactly! I need to get out of this stupid costume before someone sees me!”

Quackity heard laughter outside the door.

“Hey, Sapnap. Nice costume.” George said with a giggle as he walked in wearing a Spiderman costume.

Dream came in right behind him in an Iron Man costume, wheeze-laughing so hard it sounded like he was going to die. He leaned against the wall, trying to catch his breath.

“Shut up, Dream!”

“You look so stupid-” Dream said, still laughing.

Quackity moved to the side, trying to see Sapnap, who was still hiding behind Skeppy. He was wearing a plush muffin costume that did, in fact, look incredibly stupid. It had holes for his head, arms, and legs, and was otherwise shaped like a stuffed muffin plushy, big enough that it went down to his knees. It had to be homemade because Quackity doubted any store would sell something so dumb-looking. He both pitied the kid and wanted to laugh at the same time.

Before he could pick an appropriate reaction, he heard Wilbur's voice come from the hallway. “Holy shit, that poor child.”

“Hey!” Bad almost yelled. “You’re all so mean! It’s a cute costume!”

“For like a two-year-old, maybe. Fundy, come get a look at this.”

Wilbur stepped into the classroom, and Quackity’s heart skipped a beat. Wilbur was wearing something very different from the loose-fitting, almost baggy business casual he usually sported. A red plaid shirt with the sleeves ripped off and long gashes cut across the chest area and tight skinny jeans that left little to the imagination. He was also wearing furry fingerless gloves and ears, but Quackity didn’t notice those for at least another five minutes.

Quackity took a sharp breath because he hadn’t actually breathed since Wilbur walked in and forced himself to stop staring at Wilbur’s surprisingly strong arms and well-defined chest. He was fit in the lean kind of way, and his skin looked really soft. Quackity mentally slapped himself as the inappropriate thoughts crept in. Even if Wilbur was gay, which was still up in the air, he probably wasn’t emotionally ready for anything Quackity might want to do to him.

Not to mention the comatose elephant in the room… 

Guilt twisted in his chest, and he quickly looked away from Wilbur. He glanced around. Slime was nowhere to be seen. “Oh fuck me…” He muttered.

Wilbur stepped toward him with a concerned look. “What’s wrong?”

Quackity took a few quick steps back, trying not to get sucked into checking Wilbur out again, and almost tripped in the process. “I, um- My kid…” He stammered.

“Slime?”

“Yeah, he- he was here a second ago. Did you see where he went?”

“Climbed into the closet.”

“Thanks.”

“He okay?”

Wilbur took another step closer, and Quackity took another step back. His heart was racing, and it wasn’t because of Slime. “Yeah, he just doesn’t do well with lots of new people sometimes.”

“Anything I can do?”

“You can stop being so goddamn helpful!” Quackity snapped. 

Wilbur stepped back, looking hurt. “Oh… okay.” He said quietly.

More guilt filled his chest. “Wilbur, I didn’t…” He sighed. “Give me a minute to check on Slime.”

“It’s fine. I just…” He shook his head. “It’s fine.”

***

From a distance, Wilbur watched Quackity talk quietly with his kid, who was picking through a bag of skittles, adding the green ones to a pile between his feet. The kid was small and built like a stick, and he didn’t seem interested in what Quackity had to say. But Wilbur had never seen Quackity, the king of scowls, wear such a gentle expression.

Wilbur’s chest was aching. He couldn’t figure out what he’d done wrong to make Quackity snap at him, and the fact that that bothered him so much was scary. He’d almost come to terms with not being exactly straight, but the thought of actually having feelings for someone was terrifying in a way he couldn’t explain. Especially Quackity, who was definitely out of his league.

“Dad, staring is rude.” Fundy said from beside him.

“Huh?”

“You’re staring.”

“Oh. Uh- Sorry, I’ll stop.” He pulled his eyes away from Quackity, instead looking around the room. It was brightly decorated with paper cutouts of monsters, pumpkins, and cobwebs. “Did your class do this?” He asked Fundy, trying to distract himself.

“You see the wonky skulls?”

“Yeah?”

“That was us. We also did the blob monsters. Our class isn’t very good at art.”

Wilbur chuckled. “I think they’re cute.”

Fundy shook his head. “They’re an embarrassment.”

Before Wilbur could even laugh at that, Quackity cut in. Apparently he was done talking to Slime. “Mr. Soot, could I see you in my office please?” 

Wilbur’s stomach twisted at the formality. “Uh… Sure?”

Quackity nodded and walked out of the room, probably expecting Wilbur to follow. 

Fundy turned to look at Wilbur in outrage. “You’ve been in the building for five minutes, and you’re already in trouble!?”

“I have no idea what I did.”

“I thought you said you were gonna stop pissing off my teachers!”

“I did! I have no idea what this is about- Honest to god, I’ve done literally nothing.”

Fundy crossed his arms with a glare. “Uh huh.”

“Well… I’d better go before he gets more cross with me?” He said as he hurried out after Quackity.

***

Wilbur took a deep breath and opened the door. Quackity’s office was as bleak and austere as ever. Not a single personal item. And Quackity himself was pacing behind his desk with an agitated expression. 

“Hey, Quackity…” Wilbur said, clearing his throat awkwardly. “Sorry for, uh… whatever I did-”

Quackity cut him off. “No, no, Wilbur. I asked you here so I could apologize, not you. Uh… How honest can I be?”

“Well I would prefer if you were completely honest.”

“You sure?”

“Why would I want you to lie?”

“A half-truth or two never hurt anyone…”

He braced himself for bad news. “Just tell me already.” 

“You’re really fucking hot.” Quackity blurted, then quickly covered his mouth as he started to blush. “I mean like- Your costume is so… I wasn’t expecting it, so it kinda threw me off?” He mumbled into his hand. “You usually wear those godawful khakis and shit, so seeing you in tight clothes was really- Fuck, this sounds bad. I swear I’m not trying to be weird or anything.”

Wilbur blinked at him. His stomach was doing somersaults. “You… think I’m hot?”

“Kinda? I mean yeah…” He gave a reluctant sigh. “Really hot actually.”

“O-oh.”

“And I’m only telling you this to explain why I snapped, so don’t get any ideas. Your stupid costume just threw me for a loop, and I was trying to deal with shit and act professional at the same time, so… Yeah. Sorry.”

“Hot like- You mean like attractive?” Wilbur asked even though it was an incredibly dumb question. He just needed to hear it again, so his brain could process it.

“Holy shit, you need to get out more.”

Wilbur’s lips quirked up. “I mean yeah, but you don’t have to say it like that.” He joked.

Quackity laughed. 

“Is it because I’m a werewolf?” Wilbur asked teasingly. “I know you have a thing for them.”

“I do not!”

“Oh yeah?”

“Shut the fuck up.” Quackity stepped closer. “I do not have a ‘thing’ for werewolves.”

Wilbur leaned in. “You are such a monsterfucker.” He said quietly.

“I am not a monsterfucker!”

“Probably don’t yell that in the middle of a school…” Wilbur said with a laugh.

Quackity lowered his voice. “Did you dress up as a werewolf just because I used to have a crush on one?”

Now it was Wilbur’s turn to blush. “No! I- I honestly just now remembered that you said that. Fundy just- He wanted to be Dracula and the Wolfman! This isn’t- It has nothing to do with you.” He explained quickly.

“Uh huh.”

“You’re just trying to distract me from the fact that you’re a-”

“Don’t say it.”

“Or what?”

“You know you are so lucky we’re at my workplace right now.” Quackity’s eyes were flashing with a light Wilbur had never seen before.

“Why?”

Quackity lowered his voice to almost a growl. “Cuz there are a few very school-inappropriate things I’d like to do to you otherwise.”

Wilbur could feel himself turning bright red as his stomach did flip-flops. He knew if he spoke, it was just going to be a bunch of stutters and voice breaks. And seeing as he couldn’t turn and run, he was pretty much out of non-embarrassing options. He also desperately wanted to wipe the smug grin off Quackity’s face, so on impulse, Wilbur leaned forward and pressed his lips to Quackity’s.

Chapter Text

The world stopped.

Quackity stood there, completely frozen. Wilbur was kissing him. His mind was racing with a million thoughts, most of them running in panicked circles. He was so taken off guard he didn’t even think to move away. Time slowed. Even though the kiss couldn’t have been more than a few seconds long, each of them ticked away like an hour. When Wilbur pulled back, looking just as shocked with himself as Quackity was, it felt like a week had passed.

They stared at each other for a moment, both speechless.

Wilbur was the first to say something. “I- I didn’t mean it-” He stammered.

“What the fuck!?” Quackity yelled.

“I didn’t mean it!”

“The fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“I didn’t- I wasn’t- I don’t know!”

“Then why the hell did you kiss me?”

“I- I don’t know- It’s confusing!” Wilbur stepped back. “You’re confusing! Being around you is so bloody confusing! I never felt this way before I met you!”

“Confusing? You don’t just kiss people because you’re confused!”

Already blushing, Wilbur started to turn even more red. “You- you were the one saying things! You started it!”

Quackity scoffed. “I started it? What are you? Five?”

“Well you did.”

“I didn’t think you’d- I was just trying to get back at you for the monsterfucker thing!”

“Dirty talk is your idea of getting back at someone?”

“I was trying to embarrass you, not give you ideas!”

“Embarrass me? So what, you think I’m too much of a pussy to-”

“In your son’s school? Yeah, I’d hope so, but clearly I overestimated your common sense!”

“Common sense? Excuse me, but common sense does not include threatening to fuck the parent of one of your students!”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Did I say I was gonna fuck you? I think I missed that part.”

“It was heavily implied.”

Quackity’s retort was cut off by a knock at the door. They both froze. And then there was another knock. 

“Uh, yeah?” Quackity answered awkwardly. “What is it?” 

“We can, uh… I can hear you from my office.” Came Technoblade’s voice through the door.

Wilbur and Quackity looked at each other with matching expressions of panic, and then back to the door.

“So if you could keep your fighting down a notch, that’d be great.” Techno continued.

“I was just leaving.” Wilbur said, turning to go.

Quackity caught his arm. “You’re beet red right now. Give it a minute before you go out.”

Wilbur glared but didn’t answer, instead sitting on Quackity’s desk with a huff. Quackity took a deep breath and stepped outside. Techno was standing right there, outside the door, with his arms crossed and a threatening look. But Techno almost always looked threatening, so that was nothing new.

“Aren’t you engaged or something?” He asked Quackity quietly after he shut the door.

Quackity held back a grimace. “It doesn’t matter because I’m not looking to get with your brother, but it’s complicated.”

“… Complicated, huh?”

“Not engaged anymore. Also it’s none of your goddamn business.” He tried to walk past, but Techno stepped in his way. He stopped and sighed. “What?”

“Hurt him, and I’ll rip you in half. Got it?”

“I just said I’m not trying to get with him!”

“Well then you shouldn’t have any reason to be afraid.”

***

Wilbur ran his fingers through his hair. “Why are you such a fuck-up?” He muttered to himself.

“See, that’s really a subjective term, so I think it depends on how you define it.” Techno answered as he walked in to lean against the wall.

“Wasn’t talking to you…” Wilbur said quietly.

“Right… You’re doing the monologue thing.”

“Just leave me alone.”

“Are you okay, Wilbur?”

Wilbur groaned. “What do you care?”

“Believe it or not, there’s this thing called family. And it’s, uh… it’s kind of really important to me, and like it or not, you’re still a part of it.”

“Can’t I just disown you all and move to Sweden?”

“Why Sweden?”

“I dunno. It’s one of the happiest countries in the world, isn’t it?”

“Off the top of my head, I have no idea. Were you planning on going there to lower their ranking?”

“Shut up.”

“Seriously, are you okay? You can talk to me. We don’t live in the same house anymore, and we don’t have to make eye contact everyday. Technically, we don’t have to see each other ever again if you don’t want to. So theoretically it should be easier to talk to me.”

“You actually have a point there.” Wilbur thought for a moment. “I think…” And then he gave a shaky laugh. “Fuck, this is so dumb. Even though I know it’s okay, and I know you’re not gonna be mad or disappointed, I’m still scared shitless by this.”

“Are you gay?”

“I…” He put his head in his hands. “I don’t know.” He mumbled.

“Cuz just picking up on context clues here, that seems like a possibility.”

Wilbur had to chuckle at that. “You’re such an arse…”

“And for the record, I’m totally okay with it. Be gay all you want. But if you’re gay for Quackity, we’re gonna have to have a talk about your taste in men.”

“Well I have bad taste in women, so it would follow.”

“Fair, fair.”

“You’re… really okay with it?”

“Of course I am. You’re my brother. For one: it’d be super weird if I cared who you had sex with. Like ew, that is not my business. And two: it’d be even weirder if I didn’t want you to be happy. I know stuff is weird between us, but I also know you were miserable with Sally… And I don’t want that for you.”

Tears rose to Wilbur’s eyes, and he quickly blinked them away. It felt like the knot in his chest he’d been carrying for almost two months had loosened. “Thanks.” He said with only a slight break in his voice.

“Do you want a hug?”

Wilbur nodded slowly, and Techno stepped forward to put his arms around him. Wilbur relaxed into the hug. Despite being built like a tank, Techno always gave the best hugs. Against his best wishes, Wilbur started crying. He couldn’t help it. Not because he was upset though; he was just so relieved to have finally told someone.

Chapter Text

“So.” Techno took a sip of his beer. “Do you actually have a crush on Quackity or…?”

Wilbur sighed. “Are you gonna judge me?”

“Depends.”

“I mean, believe it or not, he can be really nice- He took me to the hospital when I broke my wrist and stayed with me the whole time, and he’s been so patient teaching me about all the… gay stuff.”

Techno’s eyebrows went up. “Like sex?”

“Oh god no, I already had that talk with Phil, and it was terrible. I just mean like… what the acronym stands for and his experiences and stuff.”

“You didn’t know what LGBT stands for?” Techno asked with a snicker.

“Shut up. You are so judging me.”

“So not only do you have poor taste in women and men, people in general actually, you also don’t know how to use google.”

“It’s not that I can’t- I just never had a reason to google it before!”

“Sure…”

“I am feeling very judged right now.”

“Never said I wasn’t gonna judge. I just offered to buy you a drink.”

“Oh I see now. You just brought me out here to judge me!”

Techno took another sip of his beer. “Maybe.”

Wilbur laughed. “You’re such an arse.”

“So you were telling me how Quackity isn’t actually, uh… the worst?”

“He’s not the worst. He’s just- Okay, maybe he’s a little rough around the edges, but… Well maybe rough everywhere, but still. He’s been kind to me when he didn’t have to be.”

“Are you attracted to him?”

Wilbur could feel himself starting to blush. “Can I…” He lowered his voice. “Can I tell you something really embarrassing?”

Techno shrugged. “Sure, I guess. I mean I already know all your other embarrassing secrets. What’s one more?”

“You hear about how I came to career day drunk?”

“Mhm.”

“Well that really pissed Quackity off, and he kinda shoved me against a locker like-” He grabbed his own shirt collar to demonstrate. “Like that? And uh…” 

“It turned you on.”

“D-don’t say it so matter-of-factly!”

“Well did it?”

“Yeah…?” He mumbled. “Is that bad?”

Techno shrugged again. “It’s not for me, but some people are into that kind of thing.”

“It wasn’t- It wasn’t being choked- It was just… him. You know?”

“Nope. And please don’t explain more.”

“And I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since. It’s like a tiny goblin moved into the back of my brain, and it just randomly rings a cowbell labelled ‘time to think about Quackity’, and it’s really distracting and loud and hard to ignore, and I just-”

“I asked you not to explain more. I do not want to know the details of your Quackity fantasies.”

“I- I do not have fantasies about Quackity!”

Techno didn’t say anything. He just gave Wilbur a look as he took a long sip from his beer.

“… often…” Wilbur amended after a moment of silence.

“Uh huh.”

“Oh shut up.” Wilbur reached for his own drink. “Anyway, how’s your personal life? You’ve gotta tell me at least one embarrassing thing to make things even.”

“… Wilbur, I haven’t slept in over thirty-six hours because I’m doing research for my next book and grading five classes worth of essays and training double-time, and in between I still have to go to my full-time job.”

Wilbur blinked at him a few times. “Jesus Christ.” He whispered.

“The only reason I am still conscious is to spite my enemies.”

“I think you should sleep.”

“Well right now I’m spending quality time with my emotionally fragile brother.”

“Hey!”

“And after this I have a session scheduled with my personal trainer.”

“And then sleep…?”

“Maybe.”

Wilbur thought to himself for a moment. “Well it’s nice to know your perfect life isn’t actually- well, perfect.”

“You think my life is perfect?”

Wilbur shrugged. “Better than mine.”

“Low bar.”

“Hey!” 

“But at least you get to sleep.”

“… Fair enough.”

“So do you think you’d want to date him?”

“Who?”

“Quackity, obviously. Were we talking about any other hims you might date?”

“Oh- I- I don’t know… He's kind of out of my league, isn’t he?”

Techno snorted with laughter. “How the heck would he be out of your league? Man doesn’t even own a colored tie.”

“I just mean in terms of…” His voice fell to barely audible. “… experience?”

Techno burst out laughing.

“S-shut up!”

“Well that definitely proves you’ve thought about it.”

“Just in passing! It’s not like I actually want to have sex with him-”

“Then why’d you kiss him?”

“I… You heard that part?”

“Wilbur, the school has thin walls. I heard everything.”

He could feel the blush coming back. “Well that’s embarrassing.”

“For you, yeah.”

“And for the record, I wasn’t making a move on him. I was just-”

“It sure sounded like you were.”

“Will you let me finish?”

“Sorry. Go ahead.”

“He said some shit, and he just- I was just trying to get him to stop looking so freaking smug about it.”

“So let me get this straight… He looked smug, and your grand plan to change that was to kiss him?”

“Okay, it sounds dumb when you put it like that.”

“It’d be dumb no matter how I put it!”

“Whatever.” He took a drink. “It’s in the past. I doubt he’ll even want to be around me after today.”

“You always assume the worst. Have you even talked to him since you left his office?”

“No…?”

“Then what makes you think that?”

“… past experience, I guess.”

“Wilbur, if you base all your future relationships on what you had with Sally, you’re gonna be setting yourself up for failure the rest of your life.”

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Can we not talk about her please?”

“I’m just saying.”

“Well can you not?” He snapped.

Techno shrugged and went back to his drink.

“Besides, I’m not looking to date him.” Wilbur muttered. “I don’t like him like that.”

“Which is why you kissed him.”

“Will you stop bringing that up?” He was reaching his limit with Techno’s snark. “I’m tryna be serious. Not gossip.”

Techno raised his hands in sarcastic surrender.

“And like I said. I’m not interested in him. Not like that.”

“Just warning you, man’s got like a lot of baggage.”

Wilbur stood. “I think I’m gonna call it a night.”

"You done with me?"

"Mhm."

***

Wilbur awoke with a gasp.  He was sweating, and his heart was racing. And he was hard. He groaned and shifted his legs, trying to alleviate the discomfort. That dream had been so vivid. 4D and surround-sound; he could still feel Quackity’s hands on him. He had dreamt he was back in Quackity’s office, but this time he didn’t chicken out. When he went in for the kiss, it was a real kiss. And then Quackity kissed back, and things… escalated.

He was grateful for the dark because he knew he was bright red. And he was still turned on to the point of distraction; there was no way he was going back to sleep now. He checked the time on his phone. It was 4 AM. He gave a long sigh and got up to take a cold shower.  As he turned the knob on the faucet, his thoughts went back to his conversation with Techno at the bar. He’d been wrong. It seemed that he was, in fact, interested in Quackity ‘like that’.

Chapter Text

Quackity touched his lips thoughtfully. It had been four days, and he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Wilbur kissing him. This whole thing was so dumb and frustrating, but he still felt guilty about it. As stupid and confusing as everything was right now, he did like Wilbur. They were friends. At least Quackity hoped they were. And he’d totally screwed it up.

He nodded to himself, his mind made up, and reached to dial Wilbur.

Wilbur picked up almost immediately. “Hello?”

“Hey, it’s me.”

“Little late to be at school, isn’t it?”

“Can you come over? We need to talk.”

“Aren’t we talking right now?”

“Face to face.”

“… Am I in trouble?”

“No one else is here, just- I’ll be in my office for the next hour if you want to come over.”

Wilbur was silent for a moment. “I’ll be there.” He finally said in a soft voice, then he paused for a moment. “See you soon.” He added.

“See you.” He hung up with a slight grimace. He had a feeling this was a bad idea. But his mind was already made up. What was the worst that could happen anyway? 

***

Wilbur’s stomach was a ball of anxiety as he got out of his car. He’d imagined a thousand scenarios that would lead to Quackity calling him over, and none of them seemed very likely. He actually had no idea why he was here. Why on earth would Quackity want to see him on a Tuesday night in the school of all places?

What was even less expected was Quackity waiting at the door for him. He was bouncing his leg anxiously and gave Wilbur an awkward wave as he approached. 

“What are you…?” Wilbur started to say. 

“Forgot to mention the doors lock after school ends. Niki’s not here, so someone has to let you in.” He motioned for Wilbur to follow him in.

“Are you going to kill me or something?”

“What?”

“I dunno… No witnesses?”

“Why would I want to kill you?”

“I don’t know, man. I had a long day… What do you want?”

“Come to my office.”

Wilbur hesitantly started following Quackity in. “If you want to yell at me again, I’d rather you just get it over with.”

“Stop catastrophizing. I’m not going to yell at you either.”

“Catastrophizing?”

“Assuming that the absolute worst is going to happen.”

“That’s a big word.”

“Yeah, well psych used to be my thing.”

“Then how’d you end up in maths?”

Quackity didn’t answer. Instead, he just opened the office door for Wilbur. Wilbur walked in, looking around, confused. 

“So I wanted to apologize for, uh- I shouldn’t’ve said something so provocative and not expected a reaction, but also… Um, when you kissed me, it was kind of a really shitty first kiss, and then I yelled at you. And I kind of feel like an asshole for that.”

Wilbur blinked, unsure of what to say. “So why-”

“Let me see. You were standing there.” He took Wilbur by the arms and pulled him forward. “And I was here. And then… you kissed me.” He looked up at Wilbur expectantly.

“You- you want me to kiss you?” Wilbur stammered in disbelief. After all those dreams playing this scene on loop, he’d never expected it to really happen.

“I wanna do it right this time.”

Wilbur leaned forward, then he hesitated. Maybe this was some kind of trick. Maybe there was a hidden camera or a party of assholes ready to jump out and laugh at him. Maybe Quackity was just setting him to embarrass him or yell at him or-

Quackity wrapped his arms around Wilbur’s neck, drawing him close, and touched his lips gently to Wilbur’s. Wilbur’s brain short-circuited. Instinctively, his hands went to Quackity’s waist, pulling him closer. His heart was pounding like it was trying to break out of his chest. He’d never felt like this kissing someone before. Usually it was a mundane, almost mechanical thing. Move lips. Move hands. Move tongue. But this time it felt like his body was running almost on autopilot, carried away by the thrill of touch.

He was so caught up that he was barely aware of the passage of time, so when Quackity pulled away it could have either been a few seconds or an hour. He genuinely wasn’t sure. All he knew was that every inch of him felt alive. “Holy shit…” He muttered.

Quackity was still standing very close, his chest touching Wilbur’s. “Yeah?” He asked

“Fuck… Is- is that what it’s supposed to be like?”

“I dunno. How are you feeling?”

“Alive.” He gave a breathy laugh. “I feel so… Is kissing always like that?”

“No, I’m just that good.”

Wilbur laughed. “I’ll believe it.”

“Nice. You know, this is really good for my ego.”

“Oh, shut up.” Wilbur didn’t have it in him to glare; he still felt almost giddy.

“No, no. Tell me how awesome of a kisser I am again.”

“I will hit you.”

“Kinky, but I don’t think we’re quite there yet.”

Wilbur’s heart rate, which had finally been calming down, immediately picked up again. “Yet?” He repeated.

Quackity laughed. “That was a joke. I’m not really into that.”

“Oh…”

“You sound disappointed.”

“No! No, I just- I didn’t realize- Do you- Are we…?”

“I mean- Well I’m not looking to get into, like, a serious thing, but if you’re not sick of my shit yet, and you wanna… hang out or something… That’d be cool.”

“Hang out? Like- like a date?”

“If you want…”

“A casual date though, right? I’m not- I also don’t want a… serious thing.”

“Right. No dressing up, no flowers, no expectations. Just hanging out. Casually.”

Wilbur nodded. “And not, like… telling anyone, right?”

“Oh god no, your brother would kill me for touching you.”

“He… Yeah, probably.”

“So yeah, no telling.”

“Got it.”

“And don’t go falling in love with me. I don’t want to deal with that.”

Wilbur couldn’t tell if he was joking or not, so he decided to answer honestly. “Trust me, I have no intention of doing that again. I’m shit at love.”

Quackity gave a half-laugh. “Me too.” 

“So… What now?”

“Well I actually do need to get this grading done, but I could use a distraction for a minute or two…”

Wilbur raised an eyebrow playfully. “A distraction, huh?”

“Mhm…” Quackity said, stepping in close again. “I’m so bored.”

“I could probably make room for you in my schedule.”

“Oh yeah?”

“I mean maybe. I’d have to move a few things around but-”

Quackity kissed his cheek. “You’re so full of it.”

Wilbur’s stomach did a flip-flop. “And?” He asked in a slightly strained voice.

“Just kiss me.”

“Gladly.”

Chapter Text

Wilbur glanced around the Howling Cow bar again. He’d been here fifteen minutes, and Quackity wasn’t here yet, which wasn’t unusual; he typically showed up about half an hour after Wilbur did. But today Wilbur was extra anxious about it, seeing as this was supposed to be their first date. It’s only a casual date, he reminded himself. Of course Quackity wasn’t going to be perfectly on time. He took a deep breath. It was all okay.

“You alright, mate?” Jack Manifold asked. “You seem nervous.”

“Huh? Oh, yeah. I’m just meeting someone, and they’re a little late.”

“Your ex?”

“No? Why the hell would I do that?”

“I dunno. She was here looking for you the other day.”

Wilbur’s stomach dropped. “She what?”

He heard the bell on the door jingle and spun around just as Sally walked in. He fought the immediate urge to either vault over the bar counter and hide or make a break for the back exit. Instead, he just gritted his teeth, trying to brace himself for whatever was about to happen.

“Hey, Sally…”

“Hi, Wilbur.”

They stood in uncomfortable silence for a moment.

“Can I sit?” She asked.

“What do you want?”

“We need to talk.”

“You couldn’t just call…?”

“This is a face-to-face conversation.”

“You- you can’t just hunt me down and force me to talk to you-”

“Well if you want to walk out, then do it already.”

“You leave then. I was here first.”

Sally looked at Jack, who was standing there awkwardly, half-way through cleaning a glass. “I’ll have a cosmo please.” She said as she took the seat next to Wilbur.

“Right… Uh, coming right up.” He turned around quickly and started fumbling with his liquor bottles. It seemed like he was trying to be as loud as possible, so he didn’t have to listen to their conversation.

“You know you have the right to refuse service to anyone?” Wilbur asked him.

“She’s a paying customer, Wilbur. That’s more than you are right now.”

“Listen, I’ll bring my wallet next time! I’ll pay the bloody tab! Just-” He trailed off. He could feel people staring at him. “Never mind.” Sally was also staring at him. “I’m meeting someone here,” He mumbled, “So if you could please leave…”

“We need to talk.” She re[eated.

“About what? I thought you said everything you wanted to say in the lawyer’s office.”

“Not everything…”

“Are you going to insult me again?”

“I don’t like the way we left things, Wilbur.”

“What? With you taking everything and running off to Paris?”

Sally sighed. “That’s still the version you’re going with?”

There was a twist of guilt in his chest. “It’s true enough.”

“Does telling yourself that help you sleep at night?”

“It does actually. Never slept better.”

“You should tell Fundy the truth.”

“What truth?”

“Don’t be obstinate. You know exactly what I’m talking about.”

“I like having a son who doesn’t hate me, thanks.”

“I’d like that too.”

He didn’t have an answer for that, so he just let his gaze drop from the bar counter to the floor. The guilt in his chest was getting heavier.

“How is he?” She asked after a long moment of silence.

“He’s doing great.” He nodded to himself. “Better than ever actually. Making friends, good grades, finally finished that waterfall level in Crash Bandicoot.” Sure, it was almost all a lie, but it was better than admitting how terrible of a single parent he was.

She looked almost disappointed. “Oh.” 

“Why? Were you hoping I’d fail?”

“No, I’m glad he’s doing well.” She picked up her drink, which Jack must have put in front of her at some point. “How about you?”

“I’m great. You?”

“I’m back at school for my MA.”

“Paris too boring for you?”

“No, it was gorgeous actually. I needed the break from it all. But you can’t stay on vacation forever… I want to actually do something with my life, you know?”

“You know I do.”

Sally fell silent, her eyes on her drink. 

“Wilbur?” Someone said from behind them.

Wilbur jumped at the sound of Quackity’s voice. He was standing right next to them. Wilbur hadn’t even noticed him come in. Quackity’s eyes were going back and forth between Wilbur and Sally with a confused look.

“Oh,” Wilbur said, “Quackity, this is, um- This is Sally.” He grimaced involuntarily, his mind racing to find a workable lie, but Sally would never play along with anything like that. It was better to just tell the truth. His voice fell to barely audible. “My… my ex-wife…”

Quackity’s eyebrows shot up. “Your what?”

“She’s- You heard…”

“I thought-”

“I’ll explain later.” Wilbur said quickly.

“No. You’ll explain right fucking now. You said your wife died!”

“This isn’t the time-”

“So you’ve just been lying?”

“I promise I’ll-”

“Jesus Christ, does Fundy know?”

“I’ll explain everything in a minute!” Wilbur yelled over him.

“No, I’d like an explanation too, Wilbur.” Sally said with a deadly glare. “What’s this about me being dead?”

Everyone in the bar was staring at him now. He could feel their eyes on him, and it was making him nauseous. “Can- can we talk somewhere else? I- I’ll explain- I just-” He swallowed heavily. “We’re making a scene…”

“Since when do you care about making a scene?” Quackity asked, sounding more confused than angry.

Wilbur glanced at Sally, who was still glaring. “I- I don’t- I just- Please, can we go outside to talk about this?”

“Yeah, sure.” Quackity stepped toward the door, and Wilbur quickly stood to follow. 

Sally sighed and took another sip of her drink before standing. “I’m coming back for this.” She told Jack before following Wilbur and Quackity out. Once they were outside, she crossed her arms to glare at Wilbur again. “Well?” She asked.

“I…” Wilbur started to say before trailing off. “Well, Fundy and me to be exact- We thought- I mean since he was starting a new school, and no one knew him, and everyone kept asking where his mum was, and that’s just an awkward conversation to have-” He took a deep breath. He’d rambled all that out in one breath. “We just figured it’d be easier on him to say you’d… passed away. That way people don’t ask all the awkward questions.”

“That’s fucking ridiculous.” Quackity said. “People get divorced all the time.”

“Most divorces aren’t as bad as ours was…” Wilbur muttered.

“I can’t believe you.” Sally said bitterly. “And at the same time, I’m completely unsurprised. You’re just incapable of owning up to making a mistake, aren’t you? Consequences for fucking up don’t exist in Wilburland.”

Wilbur gritted his teeth. “My life has been nothing but consequences lately!”

“Well here’s another one! I am going to get visitation rights, and I am going to tell Fundy the truth about everything. See if he wants to be around you then.” Sally turned and stormed to her car, slamming the door shut after she got in, then quickly driving away.

Wilbur stood there, stunned. The dread in his stomach was quickly turning to despair. Sally had already proven she had better lawyers, and they definitely had enough evidence to build a case that he wasn’t a good parent. He could feel his throat closing as he started to hyperventilate. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck…”

“Wilbur?” He vaguely heard Quackity say.

He tried to answer, but he couldn’t breathe enough to speak. He gasped for air, but his lungs refused to work. He could feel everything crashing down. He was going to lose Fundy. He was all Wilbur had. Sally was going to take him. She was going to ruin everything again.

“Hey! Wilbur, look at me.” That was Quackity talking. “Focus on me, okay?”

Wilbur could barely hear him, but he tried to focus on what Quackity was saying. 

“Is it okay if I touch you?”

His brain vaguely registered the question, and he nodded. Everything was starting to spin around him.

Quackity took both his hands and guided him to sit somewhere. “Listen. We’re gonna breathe together, okay?” He wasn’t yelling or anything like what Wilbur was used to. He was instead speaking in a calm, soothing voice. “Ready?”

Wilbur nodded again. Quackity’s hands were warm on his. They were already giving him something to focus on other than his spiraling thoughts.

“Alright. Breathe in… and out… in… and out…”

Wilbru tried his best to follow along with Quackity’s slow, rhythmic speaking. And slowly, his breath came back. Quackity was still holding his hands, and calmly speaking to him. It was only when he could breathe again that he started to cry.

Chapter Text

Quackity sat on the curb, holding Wilbur as he sobbed. He still knew fuck all about what was going on, but he couldn’t just start asking questions. For one, he doubted Wilbur would be able to answer in the state he was in, and even if he could, asking someone to explain themselves mid-breakdown was probably the biggest asshole move in the history of ever.

At college, he’d taken a whole course on dealing with mental crises like this, but he’d never actually had to use what he’d studied before. The breathing techniques had helped with the panic attack, but what was he supposed to do now that Wilbur was just crying? All he could do was hold Wilbur and whisper that it was gonna be okay, even though that woman—Sally was her name—had seemed dead serious in her threat.

The more he thought about it, the more pissed off he got. His brain had gone into deal-with-the-crisis mode when Wilbur started hyperventilating, but now that he was calming down, Quackity couldn’t help but feel angry that anyone would do that: knowingly send someone into a panic attack and then just leave.

“It’s gonna be okay…” He whispered for the umpteenth time, trying to keep the anger out of his voice.

“How?” It was the first thing Wilbur had said in a while, and Quackity had no answer.

“You’re a good dad. I know Fundy loves you a lot. He’s not just gonna leave.”

“He will if he finds out the truth…”

“Wilbur… What happened?”

Wilbur was silent for long enough to make Quackity worry he’d fucked up. “I was miserable married to Sally…” Wilbur finally said. “The whole divorce happened so fast, but I’m pretty sure she hated me long before she left. I did a lot of dumb shit to piss her off… If I’m being honest I think I blamed her for how my life was going, even though I’m the one who got her pregnant.” He sighed. “We got married at sixteen cuz… you know… family stuff. Worst thirteen years of my life.”

Quackity nodded. “Why’d you finally split?” He asked quietly.

“I made a big fucking mistake. And if Fundy found out…” Wilbur shook his head. “He’d never forgive me.”

“What was it?”

“I’d rather not- Sorry, but can we not? You’d probably think less of me too…”

“I’ve made some big mistakes in my life, especially in relationships… Doubt I’m in any position to judge.”

Wilbur was silent for another long moment. “I was gonna leave. Middle of the night, take my things and disappear… Never come back. I had it all set up. Money, clothes, plane ticket.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“The night I was going to leave, I was in the kitchen making a coffee for the drive to the airport… then Fundy came in.” Wilbur closed his eyes, his face painted in regret. “He was up for a midnight snack, probably trying to sneak a sweet from the top shelf, and I saw his stupid little sleepy face, and I… I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t leave.” He looked like he was going to start crying again. “I was going to abandon him without even saying goodbye, Quackity. Just like my fucking mum did to me.”

Quackity put his hand over Wilbur’s. “But you didn’t.”

“I would’ve.” He swallowed heavily. “If he hadn’t come down for that snack, I’d probably be in Austria right now or something.”

“I don’t think less of you.”

“… You don’t?”

Quackity shook his head. “Sounds like you were in a shitty situation, and you were desperate for an out. People have done way worse than almost leave.”

“I… Fuck, man.” Wilbur gave a shaky laugh. “You’re gonna make me cry again.”

Quackity smiled and stood, offering Wilbur a hand up. “C’mon. Let’s go somewhere else.”

“Where?”

“You’ve never shown me that attic you live in.”

Wilbur laughed and took his hand up. “No way. Then you really would think less of me.”

“It’s that bad?”

“It’s not great.”

“Hm… Then how about somewhere scenic? I know a place that’s got a pretty great view.”

“What? Like makeout point?”

“Kinda.” Quackity said with a chuckle. “Maybe a little more classy.”

“You tryna put the moves on me?”

“Definitely.”

“Alright.” Wilbur smiled. “Let’s go then.”

***

“Can I open my eyes yet?” Wilbur asked. Quackity had made him close them as soon as they got on the interstate. 

“Wait until we get there.”

“And when’s that?”

“Christ, you’re like a kid.” Quackity said with a laugh, then he put on an annoyingly high-pitched voice. “Are we there yet?”

“That is not what I sound like!”

“Oh, sorry.” He added a terrible British accent to his high-pitched voice. “Are we there yet?” He sounded like a depraved Victorian orphan.

Wilbur held back a laugh. “Well this is you. This is what you sound like.” He put on his worst American accent. “I like whiskey and math, and I got beaten at pool by a one-handed man on painkillers.”

“I will turn this car around.”

“Stop being accurate, or I’ll turn this car around.” Wilbur repeated in his American accent.

Quackity laughed. “You really are something.”

“In a good way?” He asked in his normal voice.

“Yeah.”

“Can I open them now?”

“In a sec…”

“How about now?”

“Holy shit, be patient. I’m looking for parking.”

“Where even are we? It feels like we’ve been going uphill for ages.”

“It’s a surprise.”

“I don’t like surprises.” He whined.

“Well tough shit, I like surprising people.”

Finally, the car came to a stop. Wilbur immediately opened his eyes. They were at the top of a steep hill overlooking the city. Dusk was falling, so the city below was glowing with thousands of tiny lights, brighter than stars. The endless sky stretching overhead was painted lavender. Streaks of pink clouds lit up the growing dark, and the distant horizon was a deep navy speckled with the first few stars of the night.

After a few seconds, Wilbur noticed his mouth was hanging open; he probably looked like a complete moron. He quickly closed it and tried to act unimpressed.

Quackity laughed. “So? Is it an okay surprise?”

“I mean I guess…” Wilbur said reluctantly. “Still dumb I had to keep my eyes closed though.”

“Whatever.” Quackity opened the car door. “C’mon.”

“Where are we going?”

He didn’t answer; he just got out of the car and opened the trunk. Curious, Wilbur followed. Quackity took out a large blanket and a bag, then walked in front of the car and started spreading the blanket out.

“What’s this? A picnic?”

“Yeah?”

“Bit nippy for that, isn’t it?”

“You’ll have to keep me warm then.” Quackity answered with a playful grin.

Wilbur blushed. “I guess I can live with that.”

“Hope so.” He sat on the blanket and motioned for Wilbur to do the same. 

“So you’re just always ready for a picnic?” Wilbur asked as he joined him on the blanket.

“Pretty much. Slime loves them, so I at least always have the blanket.”

“And what’s in the bag?”

“Well we made cookies the other day, and these are the leftover ones.”

“So that’s your plan? Woo me with leftover cookies?”

“Thought you were already wooed.” Quackity said with a laugh as he leaned in closer. 

Wilbur’s heart skipped a beat in anticipation. “I could always do with more wooing.” He quipped.

Quackity gently touched Wilbur’s cheek, drawing him closer. “Woo does not sound like a real word anymore.” He muttered.

Wilbur bit his lip. “It really doesn’t.” There was the slightest tremor of excitement in his voice, even though he was trying to keep it out.

“That happens with most words if you say them enough.”

Wilbur couldn’t take the wait anymore. “Are you going to kiss me or not?” The words slipped out almost against his will. He really didn’t want to come off as desperate to be touched as he actually was.

Quackity laughed again. “You want me that bad?” He asked with a grin.

“Oh shut up.”

“No, no. I like it.”

“I swear to god, if you say it’s good for your ego again-”

“But it is!”

“I’m leaving.”

As a joke, he moved like he was going to get up, but Quackity moved quicker. He swung his leg around to straddle Wilbur and then kissed him, wrapping his arms around Wilbur’s neck to hold him close. Wilbur’s body reacted before his brain could. His hands went to Quackity’s waist, and his mouth opened to let Quackity’s tongue in.

It wasn’t a gentle kiss like the one before. It was different, more passionate. Before, he had been a little hesitant, but here, under the stars now that he knew it was real, he let himself fully fall into it. The world fell away; it was just him and Quackity and thousands of shining lights.

Chapter Text

Quackity checked the bouquet again as he walked down the hall. He didn’t know the names of any of the flowers, but they were bright oranges and purples this time. The only bit of color in the whole hospital as far as he had seen. The door to Karl’s room was open, as always, so the nurses could come and go. It wasn’t like he needed any privacy.

He hesitated before entering. Every day he visited, he was less and less sure if he even wanted Karl to get better, and the guilt of it was eating at him. He wasn’t technically in a coma anymore; the doctor had called it a vegetative state. Sometimes it would seem like he was awake, but he couldn’t respond to anything you said or did. A few times, Quackity had seen him grimace or jerk his arms or groan, like he was coming back from the dead, and worst of all, if his eyes were open they’d follow you. He was like a broken doll running out the last bits of its battery.

Finally, he stepped into the room and then fought the immediate urge to turn and run. Karl’s eyes were open. They were looking slowly around the room, not focusing on anything, just staring blankly. And then Karl looked directly at him, and a fresh wave of guilt washed over him. Karl’s familiar blue and green eyes were devoid of anything resembling life. They were the first thing that had caught Quackity’s attention when they met. Heterochromia was so cool to look at, and now he couldn’t bear to make eye contact.

“Hey, Karl…” He said quietly as he took last week’s wilted flowers out of the vase and put the new bouquet in. “I figure you can’t actually hear me but talking to you makes me feel… not really better. It actually kinda sucks, but it’s better than just sitting here in silence, right?” He glanced down at Karl, who was still staring at him. “You know staring is rude?”

Karl didn’t answer, of course, but his face did twitch. Maybe he could hear after all.

“I, uh… Fuck, this is gonna sound awful. You’re probably gonna wake up Kill Bill style and hunt me down for this, but uh… You know how I told you about Wilbur and his whole crisis? Well, he figured it out… by kissing me. And then I kissed him. A lot.” He winced, imagining what Karl would say to that.

“I like him…” He continued. “Most of the time, at least. He’s annoying as fuck, but I still- It’s not like I’m replacing you.” He added quickly. “We’re keeping it super casual, so if you… When you wake up… If you wake up and still want to…” He sighed. “Slime misses you a lot. If you don’t fucking get better soon, I’m gonna have to tell him what’s actually going on. I don’t think he even knows what a coma is to be honest, so you’d better not make me do that.”

He rubbed his forehead. “And I- I kinda miss you too… I know we were fighting a lot, and- and I know you probably don’t even want to see me but…” His voice fell to barely a whisper as he took Karl’s hand. “I miss you.”

Karl’s hand twitched, and Quackity quickly looked up, only to see he had closed his eyes again. Quackity gave a long sigh and picked up his phone, dialing Ranboo. 

“Hello?”

“Hey…” 

“What’s wrong?” Ranboo asked. “You sound, um… upset?”

“Are you on your way to get Slime?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you bring him to St. Vincent Hospital? I’ll meet you at the front.”

“Sure? What, uh… happened?”

“It’s just… It’s time to have that talk with him about Karl.”

“Oh… Yikes. I- I’m sorry, man.”

“Just don’t tell him on the way. I need to do it.”

“Okay. Got it.”

“Call me when you’re close.”

Quackity hung up and glanced at Karl, who now looked like he was sleeping peacefully. “You’re a fucking bastard, you know.” He muttered, letting go of his hand. He already felt sick with anticipation. “You and your stupid job and your stupid therapist and your stupid, fucking coma. You don’t even know how much you fucked everything for me. I was gonna do shit with my life, but now? Now I just sit around hospitals all the time and teach math at my fucking pity job, and for what? A guy that doesn’t give a single shit about-” 

Realizing he’d raised his voice to almost a yell, he cut himself off without finishing his rant. What would be the point anyway? It wasn’t like Karl could even hear him. Instead Quackity just put his head in his hands and waited for Ranboo’s call.

***

Slime was bouncing in circles as he and Ranboo walked in. Quackity could hear him chanting something too. Ranboo looked more stressed than usual, and he quickly approached Quackity, wringing his hands anxiously.

“So, uh… You know how you said not to tell him?” Ranboo asked quietly.

“What about it?”

“Um- I might’ve accidentally let slip that we were going to see Karl.”

“What?!” Quackity snapped.

Ranboo winced. “He kept asking where we were going, and asking and asking and asking, and you know I have trouble saying no to people-”

“He’s three , Ranboo. You should be able to say no to a three-year-old!”

“Theoretically, yeah.”

Quackity groaned. Slime was running up to every single person in the lobby, excitedly telling them he was here to see Karl. Quackity hurried over to the front desk, where Slime was explaining to the receptionist that Karl had been on a long trip to Antarctica to save baby polar bears. The receptionist was smiling politely and nodding her head as Slime talked.

“Hey, buddy!” Quackity said with as much enthusiasm as he could muster.

“Quackity!” Slime body slammed him with a hug. “Are you here to see Karl too?”

“About that… We need to talk.”

“Okay!” Slime wasn’t even old enough to know that that sentence never meant anything good.

Quackity gave a goodbye wave to Ranboo as he took Slime’s hand and led him to the elevator. “So you remember how me and Karl got in that accident?” Quackity asked him. “I told you about it.”

“Yeah, you got a super cool scar, and then Karl left to go to the jungle.”

“Slime…” He sighed. There wasn’t going to be an easy way to say this. “I’m sorry…”

“I forgive you.”

“I- What?”

“That’s what you do when people apologize.”

“Fuck, this is gonna be harder than I thought… Slime, I’m sorry because I lied. Karl didn’t go to the jungle after the accident.”

“Then where did he go?”

“He, uh…” Quackity looked around. They had reached Karl’s door, so he stopped and knelt in front of Slime. “He got really hurt, buddy.”

Slime’s eyes widened. “Did he go to the doctor?”

“Yeah. Yeah, he did. That’s why he’s here. Hospitals are full of doctors.”

“When I go to the doctor, they always give me a lollipop. Did he get one too?”

Quackity covered his mouth. He couldn’t handle this. Slime was too young to deal with shit like this. But he couldn’t keep lying. He just couldn’t. They were far past the four week mark that most coma patients wake up at. Quackity couldn’t just keep making up stories about where Karl was, even if they made him feel a little better too. 

“Quackity, why are you sad?”

“When Karl got hurt, the doctors… They did their best, they really did, but Karl never woke up.”

“Then we should wake him up! Is he in there?” Slime took a step towards Karl’s room.

“Wait-” Quackity caught him by the arm. “Karl is… He can’t wake up right now.”

“Is he really tired?”

“He’s still really hurt, so he- he might not wake up… Ever.”

Slime furrowed his eyebrows. “Ever?”

Quackity nodded. He swallowed heavily. He could already feel the tears rising in the back of his throat. Slime yanked away from him and ran into the room. Quackity rose to standing and reluctantly followed. Slime had jumped on the bed, like he did on Christmas or Easter morning, and was bouncing as he tried to wake Karl.

“Karl! Karl! Wake up! Wake up! It’s me!”

Karl didn’t move. He didn’t react at all. Of course he didn’t. At least his eyes were closed instead of that unsettling stare. 

Slime slowed to a stop. “Karl…?” He gently shook Karl’s arm. “Karl, wake up.”

“He can’t, buddy.” Quackity said quietly. “I was trying to tell you. Karl’s in a coma. He can’t wake up.”

Slime ignored him; instead he shook Karl’s arm a little more frantically. “Karl, it’s me. It’s Slime. You- you gotta wake up-”

Quackity decided to pull him off before he accidentally hurt Karl. Slime struggled in his arms, trying to cling to Karl.

“Slime! If you don’t let go, you’re gonna hurt him.”

Slime fell silent and let go. Quackity set him down a few feet away from the bed. Slime wasn’t crying or screaming or anything you’d expect from an upset three-year-old. He was just standing, staring at Karl and fidgeting with the hem of his shirt.

“Has he been here since he got hurt?” Slime asked quietly.

“Yeah… And he has to stay until he’s better.”

“Can we stay then? So he’s not lonely.”

“We can only stay a bit longer… Karl needs rest.”

“Can we come back tomorrow?”

Slime nodded. “Is it okay if I sit with him?”

“Of course.”

Slime walked slowly to the bed and laid down next to Karl, snuggling up against him with his head on Karl’s arm. Quackity couldn’t imagine how horrible this was for him: seeing Karl unconscious, hooked up to machines with tubes and wires, barely alive. It was more than Quackity could handle, and he was a grownup.

He took the chair next to Karl’s bed and offered his hand to Slime. Slime took it, and they sat there in the suffocating quiet of the coma ward, listening to the machines keeping Karl alive beep and whirr.

Chapter Text

Fundy crept up to the window and peeked out. That silver car was still parked across the street, and the guy was still in it, watching the house. He turned his head slightly, and Fundy ducked back down. 

“Is he still there?” Tommy whispered from behind the couch. 

“Yep. Still there.” Fundy answered as he crawled back to cover behind the coffee table they’d put on its side.

“Still?!”

Tubbo scratched his head. “Jeez, it’s been like an hour. You’d think he’d have driven away by now.” He was hidden behind the wide screen tv, which Fundy and Tommy had agreed was a terrible idea in case of combat, but Tubbo had refused to move, insisting that even bad guys wouldn’t shoot a plasma tv.

“Well obviously he’s planning his attack, Tubbo.” Tommy hissed. “I keep telling you guys we should get the kitchen knives.”

Tubbo sighed. “If Philza comes back and sees us all hunkered down and armed, won’t he think we’re trying to kill Wilbur?”

“Why Wilbur? We could be trying to kill Phil.” Tommy paused, then added, “I’m an equal opportunity stabber.”

“Well I would never stab Philza Minecraft.”

Fundy furrowed his eyebrows. “I don’t like the implication that you would try to stab my dad.”

Tubbo shrugged. “I think I could take him if it really came down to it.”

Tommy laughed loudly, and Tubbo and Fundy shushed him.

“Sorry- sorry- sorry-” Tommy muttered, trying to stop laughing. “I definitely agree that Tubbo could take Wilbur though. In fact, I would pay to see that fight.”

“How much?” Tubbo asked like he was seriously considering it.

“Will you two stop?” Fundy snapped. “We’re defending against the weird stalker outside, not my own effing dad!”

“Sorry, Fundy.” Tubbo said.

“Sorry, Fundy.” Tommy said in a much less sincere voice. “Anyway, shall I go get the kitchen knives?”

“I mean-” Tubbo started to say.

Fundy cut him off. “No! No knives! I told my grandpa not to leave me alone with you crazy people, and I was right. Someone’s gonna get hurt!”

“Fundy, haven’t you seen the hit horror movie ‘The Strangers’?” Tommy asked. “Home invaders are serious threats, and we should definitely stab him.”

“Hit movie?” Fundy questioned. “Hold on…” He took out his phone and googled the movie. “… I thought so! ‘The Strangers’ only got 48% on Rotten Tomatoes. It was not a hit movie.”

“I liked it…”

“Your parents let you watch horror movies?” Tubbo asked. “And I thought my dad was bad.”

“No, I just pirate them after Phil goes to bed.”

“Oh. Fair enough.”

Fundy didn’t answer. He and his dad watched rated-R horror movies all the time, even though Fundy wasn’t even thirteen, because Fundy liked them. It was one of their super cool father-son secrets. They waited in silence for a while, all watching the door.

“Someone should go check to see if he’s still there.” Fundy whispered once he got bored. Tommy and Tubbo instantly touched their noses. “Hey!” Fundy yelled. “You can’t nose-goes me at my own suggestion!” They both stared at him expectantly. “Ugh, okay, fine.” He crawled back up to the window and peeked out. “Yep, still there.”

“Okay, screw this. I’m getting the knives.” Tommy crawled out from behind the couch and into the kitchen. “How many?” He called.

“Two each.” Tubbo answered him. “So we can dual-wield.” Tubbo crawled over to join Fundy behind the coffee table. “We should unbarricade the door.”

“What? Why? But what if he gets in?” Fundy asked.

“Oh, no. We’re gonna charge him.”

“What?!”

Tommy joined them, hands full of steak knives. “We’ve got the element of surprise.” He whispered. “He’ll never know what hit him.”

“Knives.” Tubbo clarified. “Knives are going to hit him.”

“Oh my god, you two are possibly the most stupid idiots I have ever met. Stabbing people is a crime!”

“But we’re minors.” Tommy said. 

“That- that’s not how it works…”

“Fundy, if you don’t come with us, you’re a pussy.”

Fundy gasped. “That’s a bad word, Tommy!”

“Philza’s not here. I can say all the bad words I want. Bitch. Fuck. Shit. Pussy. Dick. Uh- uh- bitch-”

“You said that one already.” Tubbo said. He sounded tired.

“Holy shit. Tubbo, you are the worst sidekick ever. I can say bitch as many times as I want. Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch.” He kept on until he ran out a breath. Then he held out some steak knives. “Here, arm yourself.”

“Thanks, bossman.”

“Fundy? Last call.”

“Ugh, fine. Gimme the knives.”

Tommy handed him two of the steak knives. Now that they were all armed, They crept to the barricade of cushions they’d piled up against the door, and started moving them away. 

“Okay, boys, what’s the plan of attack?” Tommy asked.

“I say we charge the car with a battle cry to scare him off.” Tubbo said immediately, almost before Tommy finished speaking.

“Or,” Fundy said nervously, “now hear me out… We could all go hide under my grandpa’s big bed until the adults get back.”

Tommy and Tubbo looked at each other. “Charge.” They agreed.

Fundy sighed. “Okay…”

Tommy grabbed the doorknob. “On three, okay? One… Two…” He flung the door open. “Three!”

They all charged out, wielding their knives and screaming ‘charge’ at the top of their lungs. The car started driving away before they were halfway across the street, but Fundy could have sworn he saw a flash of light from inside before it pulled away.

Chapter Text

Wilbur and Quackity were in the backseat of Quackity’s car, kissing, as had become their habit after getting a drink or two and before ending the night. But tonight, after a little, Wilbur pulled away, and when Quackity leaned forward to kiss him again, Wilbur stopped him.

“What’s wrong?” Quackity asked breathlessly.

Wilbur’s eyebrows were furrowed. “What are you thinking about?”

“What?”

“It feels like you’re somewhere else.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like you’re thinking about something else…”

It was true. He was thinking about something else. It had been about a week since he’d told Slime the truth, and they’d visited Karl every day since. It hurt, watching Slime try to read Karl stories or talk to him about his day; one of the nurses had gotten it in the kid’s head that Karl could hear them, so now he would probably never stop trying. Quackity had been relieved when Wilbur texted him, asking to hang out. Finally a chance to get his mind off things. But now the guilt was creeping back in.

“I’m here.” He reassured Wilbur. “Just had a long day.”

“… Is it cuz I’m boring?” Wilbur asked quietly.

“What?”

“I- I was thinking about it, and I’m sure you’re used to… a lot more than just kissing…”

Quackity blinked at him. “You’re seriously worried about that?”

Wilbur’s ears started to go red. “I mean- I just-” His voice fell to a mumble. “I don’t want you to get tired of me…”

“Wilbur, you’re fine. I’m happy with whatever pace you want to go at.”

“Well what if-” His eyes fell to the floor shyly, “What if I want a faster pace?” He said in a barely audible mumble.

“Are you asking me to fuck you?”

Wilbur’s eyes widened. “No, no, not that fast. I just… Oh god, this is embarrassing- I guess I’ve just been… taking a lot of cold showers recently?”

Quackity laughed. “Is that code for feeling horny?”

Wilbur hid his face in his hands. “Maybe…?”

“Wilbur, that’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”

“It’s not?”

“No. It’s a basic human thing.”

“Not- It’s not exactly something I’m used to…”

“Do you even masturbate?”

“Quackity!” Wilbur sounded so scandalized that Quackity burst out laughing. “Don’t- don’t laugh at me!” He stammered.

“What? It’s a valid question. And a totally normal, healthy, human thing to do, by the way.”

“I am not having this conversation.”

“Do you not?”

“I just said-”

“Do you just take cold showers constantly?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it!”

“Oh my god, we need to fix this right now.”

“What-”

Quackity moved back to sit properly in his chair and buckled in. There was something nostalgic about backstreets makeout sessions in the car, but for second base or beyond, he’d prefer something a little more private. Again the guilt hit him, but he ignored it. It wasn’t like he was actually doing anything wrong. They were done. Amidst all the yelling, Karl had said it himself.

“Are you going to kill me?” Wilbur asked.

His mind still partly on Karl, Quackity forced a chuckle. “Why do you always assume I’m going to kill you?”

“I dunno… You look super serious.”

“Does serious always equal murder?”

“It could.” Wilbur looked out the window. “Where are we going anyway?”

“Somewhere with a bed? And walls? And maybe even a door that locks.”

Wilbur’s ears were turning red again. “Oh.” He said with a heavy swallow.

“Unless you don’t want to.”

“No! No, I… I do. I just- I guess it could be said that I’m kinda… nervous?”

“Don’t be.”

“What if- what if I don’t like it? What if I do something wrong?”

“Wilbur.” Quackity said as he stopped at a stop sign to look at Wilbur. “Just talk to me, okay? If you don’t like something, we’ll stop. And I dunno what you could do wrong, but if you do, I’ll tell you. It’s okay.”

“Right. Okay.” Wilbur took a deep breath. “You’re right.”

“I know I am.”

“Thank you…”

“Don’t mention it.”

“I mean- Like for being so patient with me? I know it must be a pain…”

“You’re not a pain, Wilbur. I basically used to be you, so I’d be the biggest hypocritical asshole in the world to not give you time to figure this shit out.”

Wilbur nodded gratefully. “Well I appreciate it.”

“Your place or mine?”

“Um- Well Phil’s home… So are Tommy and Fundy.”

Quackity glanced at the clock. It was almost nine. “They gonna be in bed?”

“I dunno. Fundy doesn’t really sleep…”

“He does during math.”

Wilbur laughed. “I still think I’d rather yours. You know, just in case.”

“Fair. But if my babysitter asks questions, you’re dealing with him.”

“Deal.”

***

Ranboo yawned and glanced at his phone to check the time. Quackity was out even later than usual tonight, and he’d been staying out late a lot recently. He was probably dating someone. Or, the less likely but more fun option, he’d gotten caught up in some sort of dark web hitman situation and was out thwarting armed bad guys John Wick style. 

He did seem the type to get in over his head with online gambling, only for loan sharks to start coming after him when he didn’t pay up. Ranboo liked to imagine that that was how he got his scar, even though it was most likely from the car accident.

He sighed and put his phone back down. At least he was able to catch up on some Netflix shows while Slime slept. He knew he should be working on one of his many impending essays, but he was still procrastinating on those. He had time.

He heard the door unlock and quickly turned off the tv and stood. Quackity came in with another person behind him, and Ranboo, about to greet him, froze. It was Wilbur.

“Uh…” Was all Ranboo could say. Both Quackity and Wilbur were a little flushed and disheveled. Weird. 

“Ranboo?!” Wilbur exclaimed.

“Wilbur? What- what are you doing here?”

“What am I doing here? No. What are you doing here?”

“Babysitting?”

“Oh.” Wilbur paused like he was buffering. “Well, uh- I also have a perfectly valid reason to be here too.”

“Okay…?”

Quackity raised an eyebrow. “You two know each other?” He asked.

“Wilbur’s the weird guy at the place I intern.” Ranboo explained.

Wilbur scoffed. “Yeah? Well you’re the weird intern at the place I work.”

“Touché.”

Quackity cleared his throat. “Anyway, Ranboo. Is Slime in bed?”

“Yep, sound asleep.”

“And how much do I owe you?”

“Uh… Five hours, I think?”

Quackity flipped through his wallet. “Shit, I’ve only got eighty on me. I’ll give you this now, and extra at the end of the week, okay?”

“Oh, you don’t have to give me extra…”

“I will fight you, and I will win. I don’t care if you’re tall.”

Ranboo’s eyes widened. “Um- Please don’t.”

“Then take the goddamn money.”

“O-okay.”

“Goodnight, Ranboo.” Quackity said in the clear tone of ‘get out now’ as he held out the money.

Ranboo nodded, took the money, and quickly left. On the drive home, he couldn’t stop wondering what on earth Wilbur was doing there. He’d have to ask tomorrow.

***

As Quackity took off his jacket and shoes, he watched Wilbur shuffle his feet awkwardly. 

“You have a nice apartment…” Wilbur said quietly

“You don’t have to lie.”

“I’m not!”

“I can’t get Slime to stop drawing on the walls, so I just give him chalk instead…” Quackity said sheepishly, gesturing toward the toddler height scribbling on the walls. “The idea is that it washes off easily. I just haven’t been in the mood to scrub down all the walls lately.”

Wilbur bent to look at one of the drawings. It was of a man with blue and green eyes in what looked like a jungle. “It’s cute. Kid’s got a future in art.”

“Or graffiti.”

Wilbur chuckled. “That too.”

Quackity took Wilbur’s hands and kissed them. “C’mon. My room’s down the hall.”

“Oh- Okay.”

Still holding his hands, he led Wilbur down the hallway and into his bedroom. “It’s kind of a mess…”

Wilbur gave a slight laugh. “Mine’s worse.”

“I bet.” He sat on the bed and motioned for Wilbur to join him.

Wilbur sat nervously. “So… What do I- How do we…?”

“Relax.” Quackity said softly as he moved closer, trailing his fingers down Wilbur’s chest. “It’s not like this is an exam.”

“That’s good,” Wilbur said with a slight voice break, “I get awful testing anxiety.”

“Yeah?” Quackity slipped his hand under Wilbur’s shirt as he leaned forward to kiss him. Wilbur’s skin was as soft as he’d imagined; he wanted nothing more than to taste every inch of it. Still kissing him, Quackity slowly pushed Wilbur’s shirt up. He ran his thumb across Wilbur’s nipple and felt it harden at his touch. 

“Fuck…” Wilbur whispered against Quackity’s lips.

Quackity grinned. “You like that?”

Wilbur didn’t answer. He just leaned in for another kiss. But Quackity held him back, instead pulling Wilbur’s shirt up over his shoulders and dropping it on the floor. He gave Wilbur a quick kiss, then gently pushed him onto his back, studying his bare chest hungrily. 

Wilbur was bright red now. He crossed his arms, almost shyly. “This hardly seems fair.” He mumbled.

“What’s not fair?”

Wilbur looked down at Quackity’s shirt, and then back up to him. “You know… The amount of clothing being had right now.”

“Are you asking me to take my clothes off?” He asked with a laugh.

“Yeah…?”

He grinned. “Alright.”

Quackity reached for his top button and started slowly undoing them, swaying and still making heavy eye contact with Wilbur. He could already feel Wilbur getting hard beneath him, so naturally he had to make it worse. Running his hands slowly up Wilbur’s chest, Quackity leaned in and kissed his neck, gently at first, but moving quickly into teeth and tongue. 

Wilbur let out a whimper and then quickly slapped his hand over his mouth. Quackity grinned and started to move down his chest, kissing and biting in a way that made Wilbur squirm under him. When he reached Wilbur’s nipple, Wilbur whimpered a little louder. Determined to get more of a reaction than that, he grazed his teeth across it. Not hard enough to hurt, but it did make Wilbur gasp.

“Please…” Wilbur mumbled. 

Quackity sat up. “Please what?” He asked.

“I- I want to- to…”

“Take a cold shower?” Quackity offered teasingly.

Wilbur glared at him. “Shut up.”

“Or…” He traced his fingers down Wilbur’s chest to his waistband. “Should I touch you instead?”

Wilbur’s glare melted away, replaced by an almost desperate look. “Please.” He breathed softly.

***

Wilbur’s heart raced with anticipation as Quackity undid his pants and slipped his hand inside, and he gasped involuntarily when Quackity’s fingers first brushed his cock. He hadn’t been expecting such a sharp thrill of pleasure, and that was with the fabric of his briefs in between them. 

When Quackity actually moved his hand under the waistband of Wilbur’s underwear and wrapped his fingers around Wilbur’s erection, all worries of not liking this evaporated. Instead he was starting to worry he might wake Slime up. Or possibly the whole apartment complex.

He could help but squirm under Quackity’s touch, bucking his hips, trying to alleviate some of the unbearable tension that grew with every motion Quackity made. He covered his mouth to hold back a whine. He didn’t have enough presence of mind to be embarrassed by the sounds Quackity was making him make, but he did vaguely remember that he should keep the volume down.

He gave a sharp inhale as Quackity started making faster movements. He could feel himself verging on climax, and he’d completely lost control of anything coming out of his mouth. His back arched off the bed, and he gripped the sheets beneath him to have something to hold onto as the orgasm rocked him. 

Then he fell back against the sheets, gasping for air and quaking. “Holy shit…” He said with a shaky laugh. “Wow. Okay.”

Quackity laughed. “Yeah? That good?”

“Shut up…”

“Okay.” He was still grinning.

“And stop looking so smug about it.”

“I’m not smug.”

“You are too.”

“Nuh uh.”

Wilbur ran his fingers through his hair. His hands had a tremor to them. “I actually just don’t have the energy to argue right now, so whatever.” 

He snuggled up against Quackity. Now that he’d mostly stopped shaking, sleepiness was setting in. He just wanted to be held for a bit while he figured out how to breathe again. But even as he lay in Quackity’s arms, with Quackity’s warm body pressed against his, Wilbur couldn’t shake the feeling that the other man’s mind was somewhere else entirely.

Chapter Text

Ranboo passed by Wilbur’s cubicle again and saw that he was still just staring absently out the window. This had been going on for at least as long as Ranboo had been here, so about an hour if not longer, and it was starting to get concerning. The man didn’t look like he was mentally present at all. You could probably set him on fire, and he wouldn’t notice for a solid minute.

Ranboo stepped closer and snapped his fingers in front of Wilbur’s face. “Earth to Wilbur, you there?”

Wilbur startled back to reality. “What? Huh?”

“You were spacing out.”

“I was?”

“Mhm.”

“Sorry… Lots on my mind.”

“Is it, uh… Does it have to do with Quackity?”

Wilbur’s eyes widened, and his ears started going red. “What, uh- what- what makes you say that?” He stammered in a strained voice.

“Well you guys were together last night, right? Did something happen?”

Wilbur was silent for a moment. “Ranboo, can I tell you something private?”

“I have a feeling you’re going to anyway-”

“Ranboo, I’m dating Quackity.”

Ranboo’s eyebrows went up. “You, uh- you were- I mean- Huh?” He was extremely confused. Wasn’t Quackity engaged to Karl?

“At least I thought I was, but now… I mean how many times do you make out with someone before it counts as actually dating?”

“I have no idea. That’s not really my-”

“And the thing is, Ranboo, I wanted to go further than kissing, you know? And- and we did. And then he just asked me to- Well, it was more like he told me to leave. Actually, it was kind of an order. And now I just- I dunno… I feel like I must’ve done something to piss him off, but I can’t figure it out.”

“Wilbur, this is not my area-”

“Is it because I didn’t reciprocate? I mean I offered, and that’s when he kinda… kicked me out. I’m kinda worried he doesn’t actually, like, like me like that? Like in a sexual way?”

“Wilbur, I’ve never dated anyone in my life, and I’m awful at social cues. I literally cannot help you.”

“I just don’t wanna mess this up, man. I really like him.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t…” Ranboo said quietly after a moment of thought.

“What?”

“He’s- Oh god, Quackity’s going to actually kill me. I cannot tell you.”

“Why?”

“Uh, nevermind. I- I’m gonna go make some copies, so-”

Wilbur grabbed his arm. “Ranboo, what do you know?”

“Nothing!”

“Tell me.”

“Quackity’s engaged.” Ranboo blurted it out in panic, and then immediately regretted it. It was like he could actually see Wilbur’s heart shatter. He raced to explain it better, even though he didn’t fully understand. “He- His fiance- They were in that car accident together, and Karl- That’s his fiance- I think he’s still-”

“Stop.” Wilbur looked calm, but there was a dangerous edge to his voice.

Ranboo fell silent. 

“He’s engaged?”

“As- as far as I know? I-I might be wrong though- I mean you know I have an awful memory, so take everything I say with a grain of salt.”

“How long?”

“I mean the accident happened in like August, and I’m pretty sure they were engaged before that? Like- like I think they adopted Slime together.”

“What hospital is he in? The fiance.”

“St. Vincent?”

“Which is right by the Howling Cow…”

“I- I don’t know what that means.”

“It means he goes to see his fiance every day before coming to see me!” Wilbur snapped so loudly that a few of their coworkers stuck their heads out of their cubicles to see what the drama was. “It means that every bloody day he was late to the bar, he was going to see his fucking fiance first!” Wilbur stood and grabbed his coat.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m taking my lunch.”

***

Tommy’s head drooped for a moment, and then he startled awake again. He’d been nodding off for the last half hour; pretty much as soon as math class started, he’d gotten very tired. Mr. Quackity’s teaching usually had that effect on people, but he’d been especially bad this week for some reason. It was like even he didn’t want to be here. Everyone else was busy throwing bits of paper onto Fundy because he was deep asleep at his desk. No one was paying attention to the lecture.

That was why everyone froze when Mr. Quackity turned around and asked for a volunteer to solve the next problem. Tommy glanced around to see everyone was staring at their desk or the floor, avoiding eye contact with the teacher, so he did the same. No one, not even Dream, was raising their hand.

“Really? No one?” Mr. Quackity asked in a tired voice.

Dead silence was the only response he got.

“If no one raises their hand, I’m gonna have to use the popsicle sticks…”

It was still silent. Usually someone would have bitten the bullet and raised their hand by now, but one look at the problem on the board confirmed to Tommy that that person was not going to be him. There were way too many letters and fractions up there for him to go up there an solve it. He was a solid C student for a reason, after all.

Mr. Quackity reached for the popsicle stick cup that held each of their names, and dread filled Tommy’s stomach. He was certain he was going to be the one called on, and then he'd have to go up and act stumped. Everyone else in class, aside from Fundy who was still asleep, looked equally nervous but probably for different reasons.

And then the door burst open, and Wilbur stormed in. Tommy was too shocked to even say anything. Even Mr. Quackity just stood there as Wilbur approached him with a furious look.

“Wilbur? What are you-”

He never got to finish his question because Wilbur punched him. Out of nowhere. In the face. Mr. Quackity stumbled back, clutching his face with a look of shock. Tommy and Tubbo glanced at each other, then started cheering, and the rest of the class joined in after a second. Wilbur had saved them from the popsicle sticks! Fundy stirred but didn’t wake, which was probably for the best.

***

Blood was dripping down Quackity’s face as he struggled to stand up straight again. His nose was throbbing, and his eyes were watering from the pain. In front of him, Wilbur’s eyes were burning with raw emotion, and his fists were balled up like he was considering another hit. 

“Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait-” Stumbling over his words, Quackity held his hands out defensively. “What’s going on?!” Was all he could think to ask.

“You have a fiance!”

Quackity’s stomach dropped. “I-”

“No! Shut up. You had plenty of chances to explain this, and you didn’t. So now I’m asking the questions. Do you have a fiance? Yes or no.”

“Listen- It’s complicated-”

“Yes or no.”

“… Yes…”

“Is he the one you’re always visiting in the hospital?”

“Wilbur-”

“These are yes or no questions, Quackity!”

Quackity hesitated. “Yes.” He finally said. “He’s the one I visit in the hospital.”

“Did you tell me?”

“No…”

“Were you going to? Or were you just leading me on? No, hold on. Better question. Do you actually like me, or am I just your fucking replacement goldfish to hold you over until your fiance gets better?”

“It’s not that I- I mean I do like you- Karl’s just-” He took a deep breath. “I didn’t mean to lead you on. I didn’t mean for it to get this far… I just didn’t want your first experiences with all this to be as shitty as mine were…”

“Oh, even better! Is that all I am to you? Some gay charity case?”

“No, no, no. That isn’t it at all. If it weren’t for Karl, I would- Fuck, this is all- I don’t know even what I’m trying to say anymore.”

“Do you love him?”

Remembering where they were, Quackity glanced at his class, who were all staring in complete shock. “Can we actually talk about this somewhere else…?”

“Do you love him?” Wilbur repeated more emphatically.

“I don’t know!” Quackity snapped. “I used to… But I don’t know anymore. Things are complicated. You can’t exactly go to couples therapy with someone in a coma.”

Wilbur’s voice fell quiet. “Do you love me?” 

The words dried up in Quackity’s throat at the suddenly vulnerable look in Wilbur’s eyes. He opened and closed his mouth, trying to find an answer. But what was there to say?

“Everything alright in here…?” Came Eret’s voice from the door.

Quackity had never been more relieved to see his gender-ambiguous boss before. He still didn’t know what to say, but he shook his head in response and pointed at Wilbur.

“Wilbur?” Eret asked. “What on earth are you doing here?”

Bright red, Wilbur had also been struck silent. It seemed like he was just now processing that he’d had that confrontation in front of about twenty kids.

“Walk with me.”

Wilbur nodded slowly and followed Eret out, not giving Quackity a second glance. Now Quackity was alone with his dumbstruck class. Before they could say anything, he walked over to his desk, grabbed a few tissues, and wiped his face and hands. His nose still hurt, but it had stopped bleeding, so it probably wasn’t broken. He threw the bloody tissues in the trash.

“So, uh…” He picked up a popsicle stick from the floor where they’d been scattered when he dropped them. “Foolish, why don’t you come up and try this problem?”

Chapter Text

Wilbur walked silently next to Eret, ears burning in shame. He couldn’t believe he’d lost it in front of Fundy’s entire class. Why couldn’t he have taken Quackity out into the hall before decking him? He didn’t regret the punch, but he did regret everything else. What kind of soap opera moron asked if someone loved him in front of a room full of children? 

“So… What’s going on?” Eret asked in a voice so casual it hurt. “I take it you have beef with Quackity.”

Wilbur shook his head. The embarrassment was just getting worse. Now Eret was talking to him like he was a misbehaving kid in need of correction.

“No? You’re saying you don't have beef?”

“None of your business…” Wilbur muttered.

“Considering you just assaulted one of my staff members on school property, I’d say it is.”

Wilbur didn’t have an answer for that.

“Were you two seeing each other?”

“I dunno. I mean I thought… But I guess I was wrong, huh?” He swallowed heavily. “He’s engaged.”

Eret sighed. “Karl’s been in a coma for over four months.” He said quietly. “At what point do you give up hope he’s coming back?”

“He could have told me.”

“He should’ve. And you should probably tell people what actually happened to your wife too.”

Wilbur paused. “… How’d you know?” He finally asked with a sigh.

“She gave the school a call the other day.”

“Why?”

“She was asking about Fundy’s grades and such. She’s not on our disclosure list though, so we didn’t tell her anything.”

“Oh, thank god…”

Eret gave him a concerned look. “Is everything okay, Wilbur?”

“Well… Sally’s trying to get custody, and I’ve completely fucked things with Quackity, and Fundy’s gonna hate me, and Phil’s gonna be so disappointed, and I hate my job, and everything’s falling apart, so no. I’d say everything is not okay. It’s all terrible, actually.” His voice broke, but instead of crying, he gave a humorless half laugh. “There’s not a single good thing in my life anymore.”

Eret raised their eyebrows but didn’t say anything.

“Sorry, that was just- Techno says I have a tendency to monologue. You don’t have to say anything. Um, I’ll go now.” They were near the front doors now, so Wilbur hurried forward and pulled one open.

“Wilbur.” Eret said before he could make it all the way out. “There’s not much I can do, but if you ever want to have a grownup conversation with Quackity and maybe resolve a few things, I’d be happy to help facilitate that.”

Wilbur didn’t know what to say, so he just nodded and left. As soon as he got in the car, the tears that had been stuck in the back of his throat finally forced their way out, and he began to cry. It wasn’t just that he had romantic feelings for Quackity; Quackity was kind and thoughtful, and Wilbur had trusted him. And now he’d lost him, not just as a partner, but as a friend too.

***

Phil knew something had happened as soon as he saw Fundy standing there, glaring at the pavement with his arms crossed, waiting to be picked up on his own, far away from the other kids, who all seemed especially rambunctious today.

He pulled up next to Fundy, and Fundy immediately got in the car. “How was your day?” Phil asked.

“Tommy says stabbing people is okay if you’re a minor cuz they can’t send you to prison. Is that true?”

“Uh… No. Absolutely not true. You will still get in big trouble.”

“Oh…”

“Who are you wanting to stab?”

Fundy didn’t answer. Instead crossing his arms and shaking his head.

“Bad day?”

Fundy nodded.

“Well let me know if you want to talk.”

“I don’t.”

“That’s okay.” 

He pulled the car up next to the mob of yelling, bouncing children to look for Tommy. Naturally he was right in the center, yelling and bouncing along with them. Phil rolled down the window and shouted his name a few times. Finally, Tommy noticed him and got in the car.

“Phil!” Tommy said loudly. “Today was the most amazing day!”

“Buckle up.”

“Oh. Right.” Tommy buckled. He was still bouncing his legs excitedly.

Phil started driving. “So tell me about your amazing day.”

“Okay, so during maths class, Mr. Quackity was threatening to call on us with popsicle sticks and make us do a super hard problem that no one had a clue about. And then out of nowhere, Wilbur shows up and decks him!”

“Wait- Wilbur showed up?”

“Yeah!”

“Our Wilbur?”

“Yeah! It was so cool. He’s got a solid right hook too. And then they started yelling, and I think Wilbur and Mr. Quackity were dating or something? I dunno. Anyway, during recess Mr. Technoblade comes up to Mr. Quackity all serious like, and they start talking. None of us could hear what they were saying, but then Mr. Technoblade picks up Mr. Quackity and throws him into a wall! The ambulance had to come and take him away and everything. Isn’t that awesome?”

Phil was silent for a moment. “So you’re saying that Wilbur and Techno both assaulted Mr. Quackity today?”

“Yeah!” Tommy said with a big grin. “No one likes Mr. Quackity, so it was pretty pog. We might not even have maths tomorrow because he went to the hospital.”

“Mhm…” Phil adjusted the rearview mirror slightly, so he could see Fundy, who was just sitting quietly with his arms crossed. He didn’t look upset. Just worryingly neutral. When they reached the next redlight, Phil took out his phone and dialed Techno. 

Techno answered immediately. “Yoo, Phil! What’s up?”

“Hey, mate. You busy?”

“Always.”

“Too busy to come over for dinner?”

“… Is this about me throwing Quackity?”

“Yep.”

“I have a really good reason that you’ll totally agree with.”

“You can tell it to me in person, okay?”

Techno sighed. “Seven work?”

“Perfect.” He hung up and glanced back at Fundy with worry. “Tommy, why don’t you give Tubbo a call and see if you can hang out with him for a bit.”

“Oh, but I don’t like Tubbo’s dad…” He lowered his voice to a whisper. “He stinks.”

“Please?”

“Okay…”

***

Wilbur lay on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. He wasn’t one of those people who could cry for hours, even if he felt like it, so now he was just laying there numbly, wishing he could disappear. He heard footsteps on the stairs and closed his eyes. Maybe if Phil thought he was asleep, he could escape the lecture until tomorrow.

“Will?” Phil said gently. “Will, I know you’re awake.”

Wilbur didn’t respond, still hoping he might leave.

“Wilbur Soot. Talk to me.”

Wilbur sighed, opened his eyes, and sat up. “What?”

“Techno’s coming over for dinner. I want to talk with both of you, okay?”

“Techno?”

“Yeah. Apparently he threw your son’s maths teacher into a wall earlier. Do you know anything about that?”

Wilbur’s eyes widened. “He did what?!”

“He threw Quackity into a wall.” Phil repeated.

“Is- is he okay?”

“Tommy said he left in an ambulance.”

Trying to convince himself he didn’t care, he took a breath, but the anxiety in his chest wouldn’t go away. “Um- Can you give me a minute? I need to make a call.”

“Be down at seven.”

“Okay.” He said quickly, hoping Phil would take the hint and leave.

He did. As soon as he was out of earshot, Wilbur took out his phone and dialed Quackity. The phone rang and rang and finally went to voicemail. Wilbur felt sick. “Hey, um- Quackity? It’s me. Just- just calling to see if you’re alive. Text me if you get this. Please.” He hung up and threw down his phone. He was starting to hyperventilate. What if he wasn’t okay? What if Wilbur punching him was their last interaction?

He tried to slow his breaths. “Okay- okay- Five things I can see…” He said, glancing around the room. “Um- Guitar, bed, rafters, fan, pillow.” He thought for a moment trying to remember what Quackity had told him to do next. “Was it five things I can hear?”

His phone pinged, and he jumped. He quickly picked it up. It was a text from Quackity. All it said was ‘Alive’ . He gave a sigh of relief and texted ‘Thanks’ back, then set his phone down. It was much easier to breathe now, even though he was still worried.

After about ten minutes of unwillingly running through all the worst case medical scenarios he could imagine, he picked up his phone and texted Quackity again.

You: Are you hurt?
Quackity: Do you care?
You: Obviously
You: I’ve seen Techno hospitalize people before
Quackity: I’m fine.
You: Are you still at the hospital?
Quackity: They sent me home.
You: Are you alright?
Quackity: Couple broken ribs. Whiplash. Happens when you get thrown into a wall.
You: Sorry
Quackity: Are you?

Wilbur groaned and threw his phone down. He didn’t want to deal with Quackity or talk to him or even think about him. But at the same time, it was such a relief to know he wasn’t badly hurt. Why did everything have to be so confusing?

Chapter Text

As Wilbur came down the stairs, he heard the doorbell ring. He jumped slightly at the loud noise, his stomach already a knot of anxiety. 

“Hey Will, can you get that?” Phill called from the kitchen.

“Sure…” He went to open the door. Technoblade was standing outside, awkwardly shuffling his feet. Wilbur couldn’t remember the last time he saw Techno so nervous. The man usually exuded confidence. “Hey, Techno…”

“Hey, Wilbur. You doing okay?”

“I’m fine.”

Techno raised an eyebrow. “You look like you’ve been crying.”

“Okay, maybe ‘fine’ is a bit of an exaggeration… But I’m doing okay. Bit worried Philza’s gonna kill us.”

“He’s old. We can take him.”

Wilbur gave a weak smile. “Physically maybe, but can you imagine the guilt?”

“Fair, fair.” Techno thought for a moment. “Does he seem mad?”

“More on the disappointed side, I’d say.”

“What? That’s way worse.”

“I’m aware.” He stepped aside so Techno could come in and take his shoes off. “But on the bright side, he made lasagna.”

“Nice.”

Together, they walked reluctantly into the kitchen, where Phil was just taking the lasagna out of the oven. It smelled amazing. Wilbur eagerly reached to grab a serving spoon, but Phil stopped him. “It needs to rest for a bit, and we need to talk.”

“Oh…”

“Both of you sit.”

“You know we’re adults, right?” Wilbur asked, hoping he could find a way out of the coming lecture. “You can’t just drag us in here like we’re naughty kids and expect us to-”

“Yes, you’re both adults. You’re both adults who are lucky not to be sitting in jail for assault right now.”

Wilbur fell silent and took a seat at the table. Techno was already sitting.

“In my defense,” Techno said, “I okayed it with Quackity before I threw him.”

“What.”

“And he agreed to it, so-” 

Philza gave a disappointed sigh, and Techno trailed off. Even though the sigh wasn’t directed at him, Wilbur felt guilty just from being in the vicinity. “I just want to know why.”

“Well-” Techno tried to say.

“From Wilbur.” Philza said in a tired voice. “I’ll get to you in a moment.” And then he looked expectantly at Wilbur, who swallowed nervously.

“Well…” Wilbur started to say, but he trailed off because he had no clue how to even begin explain any of it. He glanced at Techno for help, and Techno gave a very unhelpful shrug and motioned for him to proceed, which was even less helpful than the shrug. “Um- Well, you see the thing is, uh…”

“Wilbur’s gay.” Techno said matter-of-factly.

“H-hey! I don’t even- You can’t just- That’s not helpful!”

“We were gonna be here all night at that rate.”

“That doesn’t mean you just out me like that!”

“I’m pretty sure Phil already heard it from Tommy. That kid would not shut up about you asking Quackity if he loved you.”

Wilbur could feel himself starting to blush. “Well that’s embarrassing.”

“Literally everything you did today was embarrassing, Wilbur.”

Wilbur elbowed him, and Techno raised a fist to retaliate. Wilbur threw up his hands defensively. “Sorry! Sorry! Don’t hit me!”

“You hit me first!”

“You’re bigger than I am!”

“Boys!” Phil snapped, and they both quickly dropped their arms and turned back to facing him. “Now, Will. Tommy said you were dating Quackity. Is that true?”

“… Are you gonna be mad?”

“About you dating a man? No. About you dating your son’s maths teacher? Maybe.”

“We- we weren’t exactly dating?” He twisted his hands nervously. “I mean we were sort of seeing each other, but it wasn’t really an official ‘dating’ thing, if you know what I mean? And we were very discreet about it. Like no one knew, so-”

“Until you showed up and punched him over it.” Techno said under his breath.

“Oh, shut up, Technoblade.” Techno slowly raised his fist again, and Wilbur flinched away from him. “Phil!” Wilbur said plaintively.

Phil rubbed his forehead. “Techno, stop threatening to hit your brother.”

“What if he has it coming?”

Phil gave him a look, and Techno sighed and lowered his fist. Phil looked back to Wilbur. “Now tell me what happened.”

“Well we- Me and Quackity- we were sort of seeing each other, and then I kinda found out that he actually has a fiance? I mean the fiance’s been in a coma for a while now, but he still never told me, and I was really upset, and I sort of punched him… and yelled at him… in front of Fundy’s class…”

“And Techno?” Phil asked, turning to look at him with the same disappointed, tired look. “Why on earth did you think throwing Quackity into a wall was a good idea?”

“In my defense-”

“Stop saying that. This isn't court. You do not have a defense. I just want an explanation.”

“Oh… Well, uh- If it makes it any better, I didn’t tear him in half?”

“What?”

“I, uh, told Quackity a while back that if he hurt Wilbur, I would rip him in half, so really if you think about it, I was going easy on him. We both agreed it was the better option for all parties involved.”

“You and Wilbur agreed?”

“No, no. Me and Quackity. We talked it over before I threw him.”

“You…” Phil trailed off and gave the longest sigh yet. “You talked it over with Quackity before you threw him.” He repeated.

“Of course. I mean I’m not some crazy person who just assaults people out of nowhere.”

“Hey!” Wilbur exclaimed.

“Oh hey, I guess that’s you, huh?”

Wilbur glared. “I’m not a crazy person…” He muttered.

“A lover spurned?”

“Shut up.”

“Accidental homewrecker?”

“I hate you.”

“Boys…” Phil sounded tired. “I just want to say I’m very disappointed in both of you. I know that I taught you better coping skills for conflict than punching and throwing, and I hope that in the future, you’ll use them instead of bringing collateral damage into your squabbles.”

“Collateral damage?” Wilbur and Techno asked at the same time. 

“Fundy.” Phil said slowly. “Did either of you think about how terrible what you did was going to make things for Fundy? He was already struggling in school, and now he has to live with the consequences of both of your bad decisions?”

They were both silent. They glanced at each other guiltily. Wilbur felt sick. He’d been so busy crying in his room over Quackity that he hadn’t even thought about how humiliating all this must be for Fundy. He couldn’t even imagine what he would even do in Fundy’s position right now.

“He won’t talk to me about it,” Phil continued, “And I very much doubt he’ll want to see either of you for a while.”

“I’m sorry, Phil…” Wilbur said quietly.

Techno nodded in agreement.

“I’m not the one you should be apologizing to.” Phil stood. “I’m going to bring Fundy some dinner and check on him. You two…” He sighed. “Do whatever you want.”

Chapter Text

Quackity opened his phone and read over Wilbur’s texts again. He still couldn’t figure out why they made it sound like Wilbur was genuinely concerned. Why would he be? He’d been right, after all. Quackity had lied to him and led him on for months. Wilbur had every right to hate him. But his texts and voicemail didn’t make it sound like he hated Quackity. He just sounded worried. It seemed like he actually cared. Quackity bit his lip and glanced at the time. The bell was about to ring. These were feelings he’d have to shelf for later. 

He could already hear the little gremlins lining up outside. He’d been dreading this class all morning. It was the class that had actually witnessed yesterday’s commotion instead of just hearing about it through the grapevine. The other classes had asked incessant questions, but this class? He was almost afraid of what questions they would come up with.

He opened the door to let them in, and they all burst into giggles. Great. Amazing start. He glared and motioned for them to come in. Still giggling, they filed in and took their seats. The only kid who wasn’t giggling was Fundy, who looked miserable.

“Everyone’s voices should be off, and your desks should be clear. If you didn’t remember, we are taking a test today, so I don’t want to hear any talking or see anyone with phones out, or I will take them. Got it?”

Everyone groaned. 

“Hey, Fundy.” George whispered loudly. “You should call your dad in here and get him to hit Mr. Quackity again.”

“Yeah, or your uncle. I bet he’s still mad.” Sapnap added.

“Guys, you’re missing the obvious solution here.” Dream said, then he raised his hand. “Mr. Quackity, if you make us take this test, I’m gonna tell my mom I saw you doing grownup stuff with Fundy’s dad in your office.”

Quackity’s jaw dropped. 

“And I don’t think she’ll like that very much.”

“You’re blackmailing me?!”

Dream shrugged. “Hey, look. It’s not my fault none of us know the material from the last chapter. You’ve just been awful at teaching lately. Pretty much no one learned anything.”

“He’s probably worse at teaching because he’s been distracted by his new boyfriend.” Sapnap said with a smirk.

“Sapnap, don’t be rude.” George hissed. “I’m pretty sure they broke up like yesterday.”

“Guys!” Dream snapped. “You’re not helping. I’m trying to get us out of the test.”

Quackity was still in shock. “You’re actually blackmailing me?”

“Listen. No one wants to take the test. Just give us a study day.”

“Tell him to let us go outside.” Tommy whispered. “I’ll say I saw them kissing.”

Other students nodded excitedly and whispered a chorus of agreements.

“You little-” Quackity barely stopped himself from swearing. He was already on such thin ice with Eret. “You are going to get me fired.”

“Then don’t give us the test.”

Quackity clenched his fist, silently reminding himself it was wrong to hit children, and that hitting a student would get him fired and probably jailed. “Go to the office.” He said through gritted teeth.

“Bet.” Dream grinned and cleared his throat. “Excuse me, Mx. Eret? The other kids won’t say anything because they’re all scared of Mr. Quackity, but there’s something I need to tell you. The other day we all saw him and Fundy’s dad making out in the office, and it was really weird because they weren’t really wearing clothes, and he threatened to fail us if we told, but I’m sure if you asked any of my classmates, they’ll all tell you what happened.”

“You know what? Fine. Go outside! I don’t even care anymore.” 

The class jumped out of their seats with a cheer, rushing to the door. All of them except Fundy, who stayed in his seat with his head in his hands. Quackity sank into the chair behind his desk and watched his class leave with a blank expression. Once they were gone, it was dead silent. The only sound he could hear was the tick of the clock on the wall.

“You’re not going outside?” He asked Fundy, just to break the silence.

Fundy shook his head. “I don’t wanna be around them. No one will shut up about my dad dating you.”

“Sorry…” Quackity sighed. “I guess this is as bad for you as it is for me, huh?”

Fundy shrugged. “I think you’ve got it a little worse. At least no one’s blackmailing me.”

Quackity gave a half-laugh. “But you’re in middle school. That automatically makes everything worse.”

Fundy looked up with the first smile Quackity had seen on him in a while. “Yeah… It really does. I just wish I could go back to when they gave us naptime and juice boxes.”

“The good old days.”

“Exactly!”

“Tell you what. I’ll help you study for the test and maybe give you some extra credit work. That should give your grade a boost.”

“Really?” Fundy asked with a hopeful smile.

He stood and pulled a chair up next to Fundy. “I’ve got nothing else to do for the next hour.”

Chapter Text

Wilbur reached to open the car door, and then hesitated. He’d been in the car mulling it over for a while now; Quackity had texted him about an hour ago, asking to meet up at the hospital of all places, but now that Wilbur was actually here in the parking lot, he wasn’t sure. Quackity hadn’t given any context for them meeting in a hospital. He’d just said he would meet Wilbur in the lobby, so it couldn’t be that he was the one hurt.

Wilbur had a sick feeling he knew who they were here to see.

It had been almost a week since he’d punched Quackity in class. Phil had barely said a word to him since their talk, Fundy wouldn’t even look at him, and Tommy wouldn’t shut up about it. He insisted it was Wilbur’s greatest achievement in life, which was really fucking sad when you thought about it.

He sighed. He knew he’d never sleep again if he didn’t at least try to hear Quackity out, so he reluctantly got out of the car and started toward the hospital. He found Quackity just outside the lobby. He was sporting a nasty, green-ish bruise under his eye. Techno would be proud of how solid Wilbur’s punch had been.

“Hey…” Wilbur said quietly.

“Hey.”

“So… What are we doing here?”

“I wanted to show you something.”

“Something…?”

“Yeah.” Quackity turned and started walking inside. “You coming?”

“Yeah…” He sighed and followed Quackity inside. “So, uh… About-”

“Just follow me.”

Wilbur gave up on conversation, instead walking silently behind Quackity, who led him to a wing Wilbur had never seen before. In most parts of the hospital, there were doctors and nurses and visitors and even patients walking around, but this wing seemed deserted. There was a single, bored looking nurse at the nurse’s desk, and in each room he looked in, there were flowers and balloons and lots and lots of machines.

Quackity entered one of the rooms, but Wilbur hesitated outside the door. He felt sick. He glanced around, seriously considering just walking out. But after a minute, curiosity got the best of him, and he slowly walked in. Quackity was standing by the bed, speaking softly to the person in it.

The person in the bed was hooked up to so many different machines that Wilbur couldn’t track where all the wires and tubes connected. He had an IV and a heart rate monitor and a tube going into his throat and more that Wilbur couldn’t identify with his limited medical knowledge. And then the patient’s eyes snapped open, his arm jerked out, and he let out a rasping moan.

Wilbur jumped back in alarm, but Quackity seemed unbothered. After a moment, the patient fell still again and closed his eyes. “Is that- Are we- Does he-” Wilbur couldn’t figure out what he wanted to ask most, so he just stammered out a string of half-sentences until Quackity cut him off.

“He does that a lot.” He said quietly. “He’s not conscious. He has no idea we’re here. His brain is just… trying to reboot, so it sends out signals to move or make noise. At least that’s my understanding.”

“How long…?”

“Almost five months now. The doctor says it’s a step up from the coma, but honestly? I wish he wouldn’t move so much… Now he’s like a zombie instead of just some bullshit soap opera cliche.”

“Quackity…” Wilbur didn’t know what else to say. Quackity didn’t sound angry or sad; he just sounded broken. 

“It was my fault.” Quackity looked up at Wilbur for the first time since he’d come in, and in that moment, Wilbur thought he finally understood why Quackity scowled so much. If he didn’t, he’d just look as empty as he did right now.

“What do you mean?” Wilbur asked.

Quackity spoke in a soft, dull tone, devoid of emotion. “We were in the car on our way back from a movie, and we were fighting over something stupid. Karl had started going to therapy back in May, and I swear that therapist was trying to break us up. After every session they had, he’d come up to me with some new thing we needed to ‘work on’… I was sick of it.” He gave a long sigh. “That day, it was my ‘reckless behavior’. I told him to shut up, but he wouldn’t drop it. He said we’d be done if I didn’t take him seriously…” He trailed off.

Wilbur waited a moment. “Then what?” He asked gently when Quackity didn’t continue on his own.

“Well I’m an asshole, so I started swerving around and asking if I was being too reckless… Just to scare him, you know? It was late at night. The street should have been empty.” He put his head in his hand. “A pickup plowed right into us. He hit the passenger side, so I came out with just the scar and some bruises, and Karl… Well you can see what happened to him.”

Wilbur was silent for a long moment as he made up his mind. “I’m so sorry, Quackity.” He finally said in a soft voice.

“You’re sorry?” For the first time since they got here, Wilbur could hear emotion in Quackity’s voice. It was anger. “You’re sorry? Were you even listening? I almost got him killed. Hell, sometimes I wish I did get him killed because that would make everything so much simpler. I’m an awful person! You shouldn’t be sorry. You should hate me!”

“I don’t hate you.”

“Yell at me!” He snapped. “I fucking deserve it- You’re supposed to tell me how horrible I am!”

“Is that why you brought me here? Were you trying to make me hate you?”

Quackity bit his lip. “It’d be better, wouldn’t it? Easier. We can all just move on with our lives.”

“That’s what you want?”

“I- I don’t know… I fucked up. I caught feelings when I should be taking care of Karl- I’m a shitty person, and you should hate me for leading you on like that. I can’t be with you.”

“I’m not going to hate you, Quackity.”

“Goddammit, Wilbur- Why do you have to make this all so fucking hard?!”

“I’m not going to forget all the times you were kind to me when you didn’t have to be. You’re not a bad person. You’re just stupid, and you made some really bad decisions. We’ve all been there. Or at least I know I have.” He gave a slight laugh as he repeated something Quackity had said to him. “I’d be the biggest hypocritical asshole in the world if I didn’t give you the chance to figure it out.”

“You really changed your tune from last week.”

Wilbur sighed. “I run hot. Especially if my feelings get hurt… But I’ve had a week to think about it, and seeing Karl here like this… I dunno. I guess it puts things in perspective.”

Quackity was silent for a long moment. “So… Now what?”

“I care a lot about you, Quackity. I know you can’t be with me, but I don’t want to just cut you out of my life.”

“I don’t think I want you out of my life either.” Quackity said in an almost soft voice.

Wilbur thought for a moment. “Friends then?” He asked nervously, half-expecting to be shot down immediately.

But Quackity nodded and held out his hand. “Friends.” He agreed.

They shook on it. 

“Can we leave now?” Wilbur asked. “This place is…” He trailed off, unable to think of a word other than creepy to describe the coma ward.

“Yeah, I know. You can go. There’s a few things I wanted to talk to Karl about.”

“I thought you said he didn’t know we were here.”

“It’s more for me than him.”

Wilbur nodded. “I’ll leave you to it then.”

“Thanks.”

Chapter Text

“So Fundy, do you think Mr. Quackity actually effed your dad?”

Fundy took a bite of his sandwich, pointedly ignoring Dream, who’d chosen to sit next to him instead of with his friends for some reason. It was probably just to torment him. It had been a week, and his dad and Mr. Quackity was still all people talked about. Fundy had begged his grandpa to let him stay home until it all blew over, but since they were coming up on break, there were a ton of tests and quizzes, so Fundy had eventually agreed to try and stick it out until they got off for Thanksgiving.

“Seriously. This is a serious question.”

“Frick off, Dream.”

“I mean it makes our story way more believable if you say you saw it. I bet you’ve seen your dad without a shirt at like the pool and stuff. You could like add a ton of details.”

“Mx. Eret is gonna see right through you guys if you actually go to them.”

“It’s all of us against Mr. Quackity, and everyone knows Mx. Eret already doesn’t like him.”

“Then I don’t see why you need me.”

“But there’ll be no doubt at all if you join in. You could say you’ve seen Mr. Quackity sneaking into your house and stuff.”

“Don’t you already have Tommy for that?”

“Well that’s Tommy . People already know he’s a liar. No one would think you’d lie about your own dad.”

“That’s because I wouldn’t.”

“Even after all the embarrassing stuff he’s done to mess up your life?”

“Leave me alone.” Fundy said quietly.

Dream grinned. “Career day was awful, wasn’t it? I bet you’re still mad about that.”

“My dad’s not a bad person…”

“Maybe, but he’s also not a good dad.”

“Shut up!” Fundy snapped so loudly that the kids a table down all quieted and turned to look at them. Fundy quickly lowered his voice to barely audible over the hum of conversation in the cafeteria. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Hasn’t it been awesome not having math homework this week?”

“I guess…”

“Plus we all would’ve failed that test if we took it.”

“Yeah…”

“And now we can go on our phones and stuff in class!”

“What if he fails you guys?”

Dream shrugged. “Then we take his career down with us.”

“You’re stupid and crazy.” Fundy said, shaking his head. “There’s no way this goes the way you think.”

Dream’s expression shifted. “Well you’re a liar.” He said in a dangerously even tone.

“… What?”

“I know your mom’s not dead.”

“W-what?”

“I was in the office for a bloody nose a few days ago, and she came in trying to pick you up. She’s kinda tall with long red hair and blue eyes?.”

Fundy stared at him, completely speechless.

“I’m guessing she must’ve done something pretty bad cuz they wouldn’t let her get you. They threatened to call the cops and everything when she wouldn’t leave.” Dream rested his cheek on his hand. “And I bet it’d be really embarrassing for everyone to find out that you and your dad are big fat liars on top of everything else.”

“So what? You’re gonna blackmail me too?”

“I mean if you’re okay with people knowing she’s alive then-”

“Fine.” Fundy said through gritted teeth. “I’ll help with your stupid plan. But don’t blame me if it all blows up in your face.”

Dream grinned again. “Okay, so here’s what I need to know…”

***

Wilbur hesitated outside the door to the Howling Cow bar. Quackity had asked him to meet him there for a drink like they used to, but this time he had a pit in his stomach at the thought of seeing Quackity. They'd agreed to be friends, but could they ever really do that? He doubted he could just make the feelings stop. But not seeing Quackity at all would be worse, wouldn’t it?

He took a deep breath and opened the door. Quackity was sitting at the bar with his head resting on the counter and a bottle of whiskey in front of him. He looked miserable. 

“What's up?” Wilbur asked as he took the seat next to him. Jack slid a Long Island over to him before he even had a chance to order. 

Quackity sat up and took a long drink. “I think I’m gonna quit my job…”

“Are the children being naughty again?”

Quackity didn't answer. He just put his head back on the bar counter.

“Wait, was that serious?”

“Maybe.”

“What happened?”

Quackity made a face. “I can’t tell you.”

“Why not? Are you being blackmailed into silence or something?” He asked with a chuckle. 

Quackity grimaced but stayed quiet.

“… Are you actually? I said that as a joke.”

“Can you just stop?”

“Okay…” They drank in silence for a while. Eventually Wilbur's curiosity took control. “Are the children blackmailing you?”

“What did I fucking say?” Quackity snapped, sitting up straight to glare at him. 

Wilbur blinked. “Quackity… I know things are kinda weird right now, but you can still talk to me…”

“You’ll fucking laugh at me.”

“I won't.”

“You will. It’s fucking ridiculous.”

“I promise I won't.”

“Bullshit.”

“Is it something I can help with?”

“Nope.” Quackity said bitterly.

Wilbur sighed. The silence that followed was like pulling teeth. Finally, he couldn’t take it anymore. “Are things ever gonna be normal with us again?” He asked quietly.

“Were they ever?” Quackity answered in the same bitter voice.

Wilbur fell silent, and his eyes dropped to his drink. The pit in his stomach felt like it had turned into rocks. “I’ll just go then.” He said, standing to go.

Quackity sighed. “Wilbur, wait.”

“What?”

“I’m just in a shitty mood from work. I do want you here.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

Wilbur sat back down. “You gonna tell me what's going on now?”

“My students… Well actually just Fundy’s class- They’re to threatening tell Eret and their parents that they saw us fucking in my office if I give them any tests or homework.”

“They’re what?!”

“The whole period is just absolute chaos now. None of them listen to a thing I say. I may as well not even be there.”

“That’s… I am so sorry.”

“Good. It’s kinda your fault.”

“Have you talked to Eret?”

“God no. I’m already on their last nerve. If they hear about any of this from me or the kids, it’s gonna be the brick that broke the camel’s back, regardless of if they believe it. And honestly they might.”

“Which kid started all this?”

“Dream. You were completely right about him being a menace. He’s got the whole class involved.”

“... Even Fundy?”

Quackity shook his head. “Fundy’s the only one not in on it.”

“Thank God…” He paused for a moment. “I mean still terrible for you, but I’m just glad Fundy’s not a part of it.”

“Yeah… You raised a good kid.”

Wilbur smiled. “I know.”

“Has he talked to you at all since…? You know.”

His smile fell. “No… I’m starting to worry he might never talk to me again. I really fucked things for him.”

“True.” Quackity said in a matter of fact voice. “But it’ll be okay. Kids get over things. Maybe you could try doing something to make up for it?”

“Like what?”

“Well what's he into?”

Wilbur shrugged. Fundy didn't have that many interests. “Video games?”

“I mean something you can do for him.”

“Uh… He’s been talking a lot about that ski trip his class is doing in December. I could get him-”

Quackity grimaced. “You mean the one we're cancelling?”

“What? Why?”

“Technoblade’s got some book thing happening, so he can’t go, and now we don’t have enough chaperones.”

“I can take a week off.” Wilbur said quickly. 

“Seriously?”

He nodded. “I never take off, so I’ve got a load of paid off-time hours I’ve been meaning to use.”

“I'll ask Eret tomorrow.”

“Thank you.”

“No, thank you. I’m pretty sure the kids would’ve rioted if we canceled their ski trip.”

Wilbur laughed. “I just hope I remember how to snowboard.”

“You snowboard?”

“I used to. Me, Techno, Fundy, and Phil used to go every year.”

Quackity nodded. “I guess it checks out.”

“What checks out?”

“Well I wondered how Mr. Desk Job got to be so fit.”

“Technoblade's my brother. You think I've never been to a gym?”

“I dunno. You don't seem like the working out type.”

“It helps with stress.”

Quackity snickered. “I bet it helps with frustration too.”

“What?”

“Nothing…”

“Wait… Oh, you meant- Hey! It’s not like I’m horny 24/7!”

“Oh yeah? Name a non-horny thought.”

“You- That’s- I can do that. I can totally do that.”

Quackity laughed. “Then do it.”

“Um- Uh- Fuck, wait…” It wasn’t that he was only thinking horny thoughts. It was just that, when put on the spot with Quackity laughing at him, his mind had gone entirely blank. 

Quackity was laughing so hard he was clinging to the bar counter for support.

“S-shut up! No, you know what? Suck my dick, Quackity! That was a dumb question!”

“You'd like that, wouldn't you?” He said teasingly, leaning a little closer.

Wilbur felt his ears turning red. “Maybe I would! You ever think about that?”

“Maybe I have!”

“Jesus! Get a fucking room!” Jack yelled from across the bar. “No one’s sucking anyone’s dick in my establishment.”

Dead silence fell on them as they both realized they were only inches apart. He could feel Quackity’s breath on his lips. They both quickly pulled away. Wilbur’s heart was racing. Now he actually was struggling to think non-horny thoughts. He picked up his drink and took a gulp, avoiding eye contact with Quackity, who was also blushing. Though probably not as much as Wilbur was. 

“Sorry.” Wilbur cleared his throat awkwardly. “Got a little carried away there.”

“Yeah… Me too.”

Chapter Text

Quackity rolled over in his bed. He hadn’t been sleeping well lately, and this was shaping up to be another restless night. It wasn’t even the aching from his fractured rib that was keeping him up; it was Wilbur. It was always Wilbur. His smile, his laugh, the feeling of his body beneath Quackity’s in this very bed as he panted and moaned.

Quackity sighed. He was so tempted to give in and call Wilbur over for some late night action, but that would be wrong. They were just friends now. Just friends. And friends don’t fuck each other. He repeated the words ‘we’re just friends’ to himself until it barely sounded like English anymore.

Aware that he sounded like a crazy person, muttering to himself in the dark, he turned on his bedside light and reached for his phone. He had a text from Wilbur. It had to be recent because Quackity always checked his messages before he plugged in his phone at night. ‘Can’t sleep’ the message read. It was from three minutes ago.

He hesitated a moment, then dialed Wilbur, who picked up immediately.

“What’s up?” Wilbur asked quietly.

“It’s like midnight, and I’m not even tired.”

“Same…”

“What’s keeping you up?” Quackity asked.

“Oh, the usual. Regrets from five years ago, the horrifying uncertainty of tomorrow, the existential dread of our puny lives eventually coming to an end…” He trailed off like he had more to say.

Quackity smiled at Wilbur’s purple prose answer. He was such a dork.

“You.” Wilbur added in almost a whisper.

Quackity laughed. “Me?”

“Just thinking about… stuff.”

“Like what?”

“I shouldn’t.”

“I was thinking about you too…”

“What about?”

Quackity bit his lip. “Just… the last time you were here.”

“… Me too.”

“Probably should’ve taken a cold shower after you left.” He joked.

Wilbur chuckled. “Quackity… Did you touch yourself thinking about me?” Something in Wilbur’s low, quiet tone was making him shiver.

“Maybe.” Quackity whispered. “Maybe I’ve done it more than once.”

***

Wilbur’s stomach twisted at the thought. “Fuck…” He muttered in a breathy voice.

“What?” Quackity asked. 

His brain was flipping back and forth from arousal at the thought of Quackity touching himself to guilt at remembering Karl. “Well now I’m definitely not sleeping anytime soon.” He tried to joke.

“Yeah?”

“You know, that wasn’t a very friendly thing to say.”

“You started it. I was just answering your question.”

“I guess… You could’ve lied though.” He was quiet for a moment, thinking. He couldn’t decide if he wanted Quackity to stop, so when he spoke again, he was barely audible. “What do you usually think about…?” 

“Touching you, kissing you… how fucking amazing it would feel inside of you… The usual.”

His stomach twisted even more. “You… you think it’d be amazing?”

“I know it would be.”

“How?”

“Because it’s you.”

Wilbur was silent for a long moment. He hated to admit that he loved hearing Quackity talk like this. “Oh.” He finally said softly. “You know- This is probably the least platonic conversation I think I’ve ever had.” His voice broke a little as he spoke. 

Quackity sighed. “I know… I guess I just miss you. If everything weren’t so fucking complicated…”

“Do you think the friends thing is ever gonna get easier?”

“I dunno… Honestly? I just wish you were here right now…”

Wilbur was silent for another moment. “What would you do if I were?” He finally asked, unable to stand the curiosity.

“Well, what’re you wearing?”

He glanced down at the colorful, dinosaur pattern on his pajamas. “… pajamas.”

“Why’d you hesitate?”

“They’re, uh… You- you’ll laugh…”

“Are you in a onesie or something?”

“Oh god no.”

“Are you like naked then?”

“Why are your first two ideas either onesie or nothing?”

“Trying to figure out why you’d hesitate on saying pajamas.”

“I am wearing pajamas! I just- They’re just, uh…”

“Embarrassing?”

“Shut up.”

“What are they? I’m like actually curious now.”

“You- you know the old-fashioned button-up pajamas? They’re like that, but, uh…” Wilbur’s voice fell to a mumble. “They kind of have cartoon dinosaurs on them.”

Quackity snorted in laughter. “You’re wearing dinosaur pajamas?”

“So what if I am?”

“That’s so fucking cute.”

“W-what?”

“You’re adorable.”

Wilbur was silent for a moment. His chest was aching. “I’m gonna hang up on you.” He tried to sound threatening, but he doubted it was very convincing.

“Wait wait wait- I promise I’ll shut up about how cute you are.”

“You’d better.”

“Even if that’s the reason I want to kiss you so bad right now.”

The guilt finally overwhelmed how much he liked Quackity talking dirty to him. “Quackity…” He said quietly.

“What?”

“You know what.”

“We’re not doing anything wrong! We’re just talking.”

“You know that’s not true. I- I’m trying to be good. We said we’d just be friends.”

“You can kiss the homies.” Quackity joked.

Wilbur answered with silence.

Quackity sighed. “You’re right… I know you’re right. I just don’t get why this is so fucking hard.” He lowered his voice. “I want you, Wilbur. The longer we do this friends thing, the worse it gets. Every time I see you, I just-” He paused. “You’re trying to be good, and I’m just… I’m probably making it really hard.”

“You are.”

“Do you think… No, that’s fucked up.”

“What?”

“I was gonna ask if you thought Karl would understand.”

“That is fucked up.”

“I don’t know if he’s ever… coming back. And even if he does, is he gonna want to be with me? Do I still want to be with him? Long how do I wait on a maybe?”

“I don’t know.”

Quackity sighed again. “Sorry… That’s a lot to put on you at like two in the morning. It’s just been on my mind lately.”

“Would it be a shitty thing to say that it makes me feel better?”

“What do you mean?”

“Just knowing you… actually do want me? Some of the stuff you said back in the classroom made me wonder if you actually… were attracted to me at all.”

“Wilbur… Of course I am. What I was trying to say in the classroom was that my first experiences with sex sucked. It was painful and humiliating and… not exactly consensual… I wanted yours to be better because I like you so much.”

Wilbur didn’t know what to say.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to trauma dump on you. I lost my filter about an hour ago.”

“You’re fine. It wasn’t even a proper trauma dump. It was more of a trauma hint. Maybe a trauma teaser.”

Quackity laughed. “This summer, coming soon to a therapist’s office near you…”

Wilbur smiled. “More like a bar in my case. Poor Jack Manifold probably knows more about my marriage than Sally does.”

“How’s that whole thing going anyway?”

“I haven’t actually heard from her since the bar. Starting to think it was just an empty threat.”

“Well that’s good.”

“Yeah…” He trailed off in thought for a moment. “Hey, Quackity?”

“Yeah?”

“If- if we weren’t friends… and I was in your bed right now…” He bit his lip. “What would it be like?”

“Sex?”

“Yeah…”

“Well your first time is always gonna hurt a little since it’s not something your body is used to, but once you get going it feels so good. You just need to make sure you’re with someone you trust, and who’s gonna take it slow.”

“I trust you.”

“I mean when you get with someone who’s not me.”

Wilbur was quiet. He couldn’t imagine liking anyone as much as he liked Quackity. And he certainly couldn’t imagine trusting anyone as much as he did Quackity. He wasn’t sure if he’d ever trusted anyone more, even after he’d found out about Karl. “So, uh-” He tried to think of something to change the topic. “What should I pack for the ski trip?”

“Clothes…?”

“Wow. Thanks.”

“I’ve literally never been skiing before. Why are you asking me?”

“Never?”

“I am not from a place with snow.”

“Then why the hell are you chaperoning a ski trip?”

“Extra pay?”

“Are you planning on just falling on your arse the whole time?”

“Actually I was planning on sitting in the lodge and drinking something hot.”

“That’s bullshit. I’m going to teach you how to ski.”

“I thought you snowboarded.”

“I can do both. Which would you prefer?”

“Neither. I don’t like the cold.”

“Skiing it is.”

“Wha- I did not agree to-”

Wilbur grinned. “Too late.”

“Oh, uh- Would you look at the time?” Quackity gave a big, fake yawn. “Better hang up and go to bed.”

“I’ll see you next week.”

“Fuck off.” Quackity said with a laugh as he hung up.

Wilbur laughed and set his phone down. Smiling, he rolled over to hug his pillow to his chest. It would probably come back, but for a moment the guilt had subsided, giving away to that warm butterfly feeling in his chest.

Chapter Text

Tommy turned on the tap and ran the jam bottle under the water, trying to twist the lid off. He’d been struggling over this stupid jam for almost five miutes while everyone else rushed around the house getting everything ready. Phil had woken them all up so early that the sun still wasn’t up, and it had been what felt like hours of frantic packing and last minute checks.

“Hurry up, Tommy!” Wilbur shouted as he passed by the kitchen carrying a duffle bag. “We’re leaving in ten.”

Phil came in from the opposite direction and almost ran into Wilbur. “Tommy, can you check on Fundy? Make sure he packed deodorant and extra socks.” He called.

“I- I’m getting breakfast!” Tommy yelled at them.

“You’ve been getting breakfast for ages!” Wilbur yelled back.

“The- the jam-”

“Forget the jam! We’re gonna be late!”

“But I like jam!”

“Have honey!”

“I don’t like honey!”

“Stop being a little bitch.”

“You’re a little bitch!”

“Eat your toast!”

“I am eating my toast, jerk-” Tommy shoved an entire piece of toast in his mouth. “See?!” He mumbled through the mouthful. And then he almost choked as it tried to go down the wrong pipe. Coughing, he had to spit the toast mush in the trash because he couldn’t manage to swallow. He could hear Wilbur laughing from outside. He must’ve seen what happened through the window. He wiped the dribble off his chin and flipped Wilbur off.

“Lay off each other, and someone check on Fundy!” Phill yelled.

“I’ll do it cuz Wilbur sucks.” Tommy yelled back, then he turned and ran upstairs before Wilbur could come back inside and kick him. He knocked on Fundy’s door to no answer. “Fundy? You in there?” He asked.

“Go away.”

“Fundy, we’re supposed to leave in like less than ten minutes. Are you ready to go?”

“I’m not going.”

“But you’ve been looking forward to this for ages.”

“Well I don’t wanna anymore!”

Tommy sighed and opened the door. Fundy was sitting in front of an empty suitcase, looking like he was going to cry. “What’s wrong?”

“My dad’s gonna be there, so everyone’s just gonna make jokes and be awful the whole time.”

“But they would’ve cancelled the whole thing if Wilbur wasn’t coming.”

“That would have been better than being constantly embarrassed.”

“You know I wish my dad tried as hard as yours does.”

“But my grandpa’s like the best dad in the world.”

“No, my actual dad. The original one.”

“Oh…”

“At least your dad loves you and wants to do good things for you, and he’s never hurt you…”

Fundy sighed. “You’re right… My dad might be dumb, but he’s not a bad dad. I know he’s trying.”

“And hey, he doesn’t work for the school, so legally, I think he’s allowed to hit our classmates.”

“I don’t think-”

“Well he punched Mr. Quackity and apparently that was fine.”

“I think punching kids is worse, legally speaking?”

“Since when are you a lawyer?”

Fundy glared. 

“So are you coming or not?”

“… Guess I need to repack.”

“Boys!” Phil shouted from downstairs. “We’re leaving!”

“On our way!” Tommy shouted back. “I’ll stall.” He told Fundy and then ran down the stairs.

“Where’s Fundy?” Phil asked.

“He’s coming.”

“When?”

“He’s just grabbing, uh- Some, uh… Toilet paper?”

“Is Fundy okay?”

“Of course he is!”

“Then why in the hell is packing toilet paper?”

“Why, uh- why- why not?”

Phil gave him a look. “Because they’ll have plenty at the lodge?”

Tommy turned to shout up the stairs. “Fundy, it turns out you don’t need the toilet paper! They already have it at the lodge!” 

“Uh- Okay? I put it back.” Fundy yelled back from somewhere upstairs. “Um, what about, uh- Bottled water? I’m still filling up the bottles!”

“What is going on?” Phil asked as he tried to get past Tommy and go upstairs.

Tommy blocked him. “Fundy just forgot to pack a few things.”

“Like toilet paper and bottled water? Does he think we’re going camping in the middle of nowhere?”

“Okay, maybe he just forgot to pack…”

“How did he forget to pack? I’ve been reminding him for days- He was packed last night!”

“I dunno. I’m not my nephew’s keeper.”

“Tommy.” Phil said sternly.

“Nothing!”

“I didn’t ask you anything yet.”

“Well, preemptively- before you ask, nothing is happening, and everything is fine.”

“Uh huh…”

“Okay! Ready!” Fundy yelled as he banged down the stairs with his suitcase.

“Fundy, if I open that, and it’s full of toilet paper and bottled water, I am going to lose it.”

“Grandpa, that was a joke. I know how to pack a suitcase.”

Phil narrowed his eyes, looking back and forth between Tommy and Fundy suspiciously.

“Phil! Are they ready yet?” Wilbur yelled.

“They’re ready.” Phil answered, motioning for them to go to the car.

“Can we stop for breakfast?” Tommy asked on the way out the door.

“Absolutely not, we’re already three minutes behind.”

“Can we actually get breakfast though?” Fundy asked as he got in the car. “I haven’t eaten today.”

“Oh, yeah. What do you want?”

Tommy gave an offended gasp. “Oh, I see how it is. When I want food, there’s no time, but if Fundy wants food, then it’s ‘of course, my precious boy, whatever you want’!”

Wilbur shrugged. “Pretty much, yeah.”

“You’re a fuckin’ bastard.”

“Just get in the car.”

“Okay…”

Chapter Text

Wilbur’s eyes slowly closed, and then he jerked back awake. They had been driving for almost twenty minutes now, and since he hadn’t been allowed to drive the bus, it was getting increasingly difficult to stay awake with nothing to do. Someone tapped him on the shoulder, and he looked up to see Quackity. His heart skipped a beat. This would be the first time they’d properly spoken with each other since they talked on the phone a few nights ago.

“Mind if I sit with you?” Quackity asked.

Wilbur shook his head and scooted over to make room. He was sitting in almost the very back of the bus, theoretically to keep an eye on the children, but Eret and Quackity had been doing a fine job of that on their own.

Quackity sat. “Most of them are asleep or on their phones.” He said quietly. “So there’s not much chaperoning to do right now.”

“Honestly, I don’t see why you need me here. They seem fine.”

“That’s because they were all half asleep when they got here. Just wait until we get to the lodge. I guarantee they’re gonna start a snowball fight within seconds of getting off the bus.”

“Oh. Great. Gosh, I love kids and know how to deal with them. Why did I agree to do this again?”

“Cuz you’re a good dad.”

“I wish…”

“Hey.” Quackity nudged Wilbur with his shoulder. “It’s gonna be okay.”

“You really think?”

Quackity nodded. “He’ll come around.”

“I hope so. I miss hanging out with him.”

“And watching totally age-appropriate horror movies with him?”

“Hey! He likes them, and I cover his eyes during any bad parts.”

Quackity rolled his eyes. “Uh huh.”

“Whatever, Quackity. No one asked.”

“Whatever, Wilbur. No one cares.” Quackity said in a ridiculous, pseudo-British voice. 

“That is not what I sound like.”

“It kinda is. I’m kinda cracked at impressions.”

“You are not.”

“Am too. Here, see.” He put on a deep voice. “Meh, I’m Technoblade and I overachieve at everything I do. Here, have a potato because that’s an important plot point in my books for some reason.”

Wilbur snorted with laughter. “You’d be so dead if he were here.”

“Well, good thing you’re here instead.”

Quackity’s hand had somehow found its way onto Wilbur’s thigh at some point during their conversation. Quackity didn’t even seem to notice until a minute later. When he did realize where his hand was, he quickly pulled it away, but Wilbur caught him by the wrist and put it back. Quackity gave him a questioning look.

“So I may have been feeling a little touch-starved as of late…” Wilbur muttered in a low voice. “Your hand is, uh… It- it’s nice.”

Quackity’s lips quirked up, and he leaned into Wilbur, cuddling up against him. Wilbur smiled and rested his head on Quackity’s. That warm butterfly feeling had found a way back into his chest. He closed his eyes with a contented sigh and quickly started to nod off.

The next thing he was aware of was Eret’s hand on his shoulder. He blinked slowly, looking around. They couldn’t be there yet. The bus was still moving. “Wha…?”

“Can you two stop cuddling? We’re almost there.”

“We’re not-” He looked down to see that Quackity was deeply asleep in his lap. “… Sorry, Eret.”

“I’m trusting you two to act appropriately.”

“I- I know. We will.”

Eret looked down at Quackity again, and then gave Wilbur a questioning look.

Wilbur chuckled nervously. “This is very platonic.” He assured Eret, then he gently shook Quackity’s shoulder. “Quackity? Quackity, we’re almost there.”

Quackity stirred but didn’t wake, instead mumbling something and cuddling closer to Wilbur. 

Eret’s expression softened. “I’m glad you two made up though.” They added quietly. “He seems happy.”

“Well right now he’s putting my arm to sleep.”

Eret laughed. “If you decide to push him off the seat, I didn’t see anything.”

Wilbur shook Quackity’s shoulder again. “Wake up, or Eret’s gonna make me push you off.”

“That is not what I said.”

Quackity finally opened his eyes. “Who’s pushing me off what?” He asked sleepily.

“Eret’s pushing you off the bus.”

“I am not!”

Quackity sat up in alarm. “What?!”

Wilbur shook out his arm and stretched his tingling hand. “We’re almost there.”

“No, no, no. Why am I being pushed off the bus?”

“You’re not.” Eret assured him. “Wilbur was just trying to scare you awake.”

Quackity turned to Wilbur with a glare that made him giggle. 

Wilbur put up his hands defensively. “I didn’t want to shake you, and in my defense, I didn’t actually push you off anything, so really-” 

Quackity cut him off by punching him in the arm just hard enough to hurt. “Jerk.”

“You know, when I asked you two to act appropriately. It was implied that you would also act like adults.” Eret said.

Wilbur and Quackity glanced at each other.

“Sorry, Eret.”

“Yeah. Sorry.”

The bus took a sharp left and then came to a stop in front of a large lodge.

“If you two get us checked into the lodge, Niki and I can wake up the kids and bring them in. We’ll bring in luggage once they’re all settled in their rooms.” Eret said.

Quackity nodded and stood. “It’s all under your name, yeah?”

“Right.”

Wilbur and Quackity headed into the lodge. The lobby was massive. Even though it wasn’t Christmas yet, there was a towering Christmas tree with twinkling lights and red and green bobbles. There was a fireplace big enough for five people to stand in, shoulder to shoulder, without hitting their heads. And enough plush red couches were arranged around the fireplace that a whole school bus’ worth of children could sit with room to spare. Wreaths and tinsel decorated pretty much every surface.

A young person with a perky customer service voice popped up from nowhere with an iPad. “Hi! Welcome to the Crimson Lodge. Do you have a reservation?”

“Uh, yeah? It should be under the name Eret.”

“Perfect, I have all twelve of you in Queen size rooms, is that right?”

Quackity furrowed his eyebrows. “Uh…” 

Wilbur mentally counted the kids in his head. “Aren’t there thirteen of us total? Like, chaperones included?” He asked.

“Hold on…” Quackity started counting on his fingers. “You, me, Niki, and Eret is four. Plus nine kids. Yeah, that’s thirteen.”

The lodge person looked down at their iPad. “I’m afraid I only have twelve rooms booked for you…”

“Could you book another and just add it on?” Wilbur asked.

“I’m afraid we’re all booked. If you want, I can get you another room next week-”

“Well, we’re not gonna be here next week, so that’s not very helpful.”

The lodge person looked flustered. “Um- One moment please, I can check with another lodge to see if we can get you a room there?”

“Well-”

Quackity cut him off. “Wilbur, it’s fine. Two of us can just share a room. It’s not a big deal.” He turned back to the lodge person. “Sorry, you can just finish checking us in. Twelve rooms is totally fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Don’t worry about it. I’m sure your job is hard enough without people yelling at you about shit you can’t control.”

“I- I can give you a complimentary-”

“It’s all paid for already. It’s fine.”

“If you’re sure…” They clicked through a few screens. “Just sign here, and I’ll get you your keys.” They held out the iPad. 

“Thank you.” Quackity quickly signed it with his finger and gave the lodge person a reassuring smile. 

They took an envelope out of their pocket and gave it to Quackity. “These are your keys. If- if there’s anything at all I can get you, please let me know.” They said before hurrying out of the room.

“That’s ridiculous!” Wilbur fumed. “How did they book us for only twelve rooms?”

“Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bus.”

“I haven’t had any coffee today, sue me.”

“Customer service is already hell. If you’re gonna be grumpy, at least try to hold it in while you’re talking to a- I mean they couldn’t have been more than nineteen.”

Wilbur sighed. “You’re right…”

“You mind if I sleep on your floor?”

He blinked a few times, trying to figure out if he’d heard Quackity correctly. “What?”

“Well I’d rather yours than Eret’s or Niki’s.”

“I- Uh- Sure? You- you don’t have to sleep on the floor though.”

Quackity raised an eyebrow. “You’d rather me be in your bed?”

“Platonically.” He amended quickly.

Quackity covered his mouth, trying not to laugh, only to burst out laughing a few moments later anyway.

“What? I was being serious!”

“You- That’s-” He took a deep breath to stop himself laughing. “Try anything, and you’ll be the one on the floor.”

“Wha- I wasn’t gonna!”

“Sure, uh huh. I hope they have cold showers here.”

Wilbur groaned. “Oh my god, you are literally the worst.” He grabbed the envelope from Quackity and started toward the door.

“Hey!” Quackity chased after him. “I was kidding!”

Wilbur giggled. “Nope. You’re a jerk, and I hate you. Don’t even talk to me.” He broke into a run as he pushed through the doors. 

“Wilbur!” He could hear Quackity running after him through the packed snow of the road they’d parked on. 

And then he rounded the corner and saw Eret, Niki, and the kids ahead, and he came to an abrupt halt. Quackity, who was still running after him, wasn’t nearly as good at stopping on packed snow, and he came sliding into Wilbur, knocking them both to the ground.

The wind completely knocked out of him, Wilbur gasped for air and coughed on it. Quackity’s weight on top of him wasn’t helping him breathe either. As he rolled to the side to get Quackity off him, he could hear all the kids laughing. This was going to be a very long trip.

Chapter Text

While Mx. Eret and Ms. Niki helped his dad and Mr. Quackity up from the ground, Fundy noticed Dream, George, and Sapnap were all whispering with each other. Suspicious, he watched as they backed away from the group and then snuck out of sight behind the bus. 

Fundy nudged Tommy to get his attention, but before he could say anything, Tommy got nailed in the face with a snowball thrown so hard it knocked him over. The rest of the class screamed and scattered. Fundy had never been in a snowball fight with Dream and his gang before, but going off how well he could throw cans of beans, they were all screwed. None of them were wearing snow clothes; some of them were even still in pajamas.

Fundy helped Tommy, who was cussing and sputtering, to his feet, and together they ran to join Tubbo behind the giant mound of dirty snow he was using for cover. 

“I’ve got snow in my fuckin’ sinuses!” Tommy yelled, wiping his eyes. They could hear Dream and his gang cackling from across the parking lot. Tommy made a snowball of his own, but when he stuck his head out of cover to throw it, he got another direct hit to the face. 

“Oh my god, I’m cracked!” Fundy heard Dream yell. “Did you see that? I sniped him!”

“Stop hitting me in the face!” Tommy yelled back.

“Stop having such a big, hittable face!”

Tommy muttered a string of totally school-inappropriate curses as he knelt to pick up his fallen snowball. “Fundy, Tubbo, can one of you give me some suppressing fire?”

“Are you kidding?” Fundy asked incredulously. “They have insane aim! I don’t wanna get hit in the face!”

Tubbo, who’d been busy making snowballs since they’d got here and now had about twenty, shrugged. “Don’t stick your head out then. Just throw a bunch in their general direction while Tommy gets a shot at them.”

Fundy nodded and picked up a snowball. Eryn and Purpled ran past them, taking cover behind a nearby pile of logs.

“Eryn! Eryn! Truce?” Tommy called to them.

“What? You’re not gonna ask me for a truce?” Purpled asked.

“Well I figured you wouldn’t wanna.”

“Fair enough.”

“So? Eryn?”

“You kidding? Dream’s totally gunning for you and Fundy. I don’t wanna get caught up in that.”

“You’re both bitches, and I hate you equally.”

Purpled threw a snowball and hit Tommy in the shoulder. 

“Wha- Why is everyone targeting me?!”

“You literally just called me a bitch.”

“Oh… Well you should still aim at Dream because he started it.” A snowball from Eryn went flying past. “Was that aimed at me?!” Tommy yelled.

“Yeah.”

“Oh you fucker-” Tommy made another snowball. “I’ll fuckin’ show you what for, you fuckin’ pricks…” He stood to throw his snowball in Eryn and Purpled’s direction, and he was hit by another shot from Dream’s gang. This time directly in the side of the head. “Goddammit! Why is everyone targeting me!?”

“Maybe because you’re the only one standing?” Fundy suggested. He was currently crouched in the snow, which sucked because it was slowly soaking into his pajama pants, but it was better than getting hit in the head.

They heard panicked screaming coming from no man’s land, and everyone cautiously looked out to see that Foolish was running through the parking lot followed by a barrage of snowballs from Dream’s gang, who had fortified themselves behind a different snow mound.

The adults were also there, but they didn’t seem to know what to do. Mx. Eret was yelling something, but none of them seemed to want to step in the line of fire. Foolish got nailed in the back of the head and hit the ground hard, and Dream’s gang kept throwing snowballs at him even though he was down.

Fundy dashed toward Foolish with his eyes squinted, anticipating a snowball to the face. He somehow managed to make it to Foolish, only getting hit once in the chest, and was helping him up when he heard George cry out in alarm. Fundy looked up just in time to see his dad dunk a massive snowball—more like a snow meteor—onto Dream’s head, knocking him down. Sapnap and George screamed and ran for it, abandoning their friend, who slowly sat up, absolutely covered in snow, and started crying.

Tommy and Tubbo cheered, and Fundy stood with his jaw hanging open as his dad walked away from Dream, dusting the snow off his hands with a wide grin. Mx. Eret and Ms. Niki also seemed to be in shock, but Mr. Quackity looked like he was trying not to laugh. After the moment passed, Ms. Niki went to help Dream up while Mx. Eret stepped into the middle of no man’s land. 

“Alright, everyone.” They announced. “That’s enough. Let’s head inside and get you guys settled in your rooms.”

The rest of the class came out of cover and filed into the lodge, followed by Mx. Eret. Everyone was varying degrees of soaked. Tommy being the most so, practically dripping with snow, while it seemed like Purpled hadn’t been hit once. Foolish was still a little dazed, so Fundy held his arm as they walked inside and helped brush the snow off him.

“You okay?” Fundy asked.

“I think I saw stars…”

“Oh man, that’s probably not good.”

“Your dad’s kind of a badass. Did you see the way he dunked on Dream?”

“Yeah…” Fundy smiled. “He really is.”

***

“What, and I cannot stress this enough, were you thinking?” Eret asked, running their hand through their hair in agitation.

Wilbur bit his lip. “He was being a bully!”

“We do not attack students, Wilbur. I have half a mind to send you home right now.”

“You saw how he was throwing snowballs at that kid who fell. He had it coming.”

“Then you should have gone over and told him to stop.”

“Why didn’t you then?”

“They’re middle schoolers. They are going to have snowball fights. We shouldn’t stop them from playing.”

“Oh, so they get to pelt the kid who might have gotten a concussion, but when I try to even the playing field, it’s suddenly a problem.”

Eret furrowed their eyebrows. “Dream was going a little too far with that…”

“Exactly! So I gave him a taste of his own medicine.”

“You- That’s not-” Eret groaned. “You’re lucky his mom is going to side with you when she hears about this.”

“She is?”

“The kid who fell is hers too. So I expect she’ll be hearing both sides.”

“Oh, so hitting him while he was down was a brother thing?”

“No, I think Dream probably would have done that to anyone. You’re kind of right about him being a menace.”

Wilbur perked up. Was he actually winning Eret over?

“That doesn’t mean you’re not in trouble.”

“Oh…”

“And it certainly doesn’t excuse you from attacking a student.”

“It was just a snowball. I didn’t even put ice in it like those little shits were.”

“What?”

“I saw George, Dream, and Sapnap putting chunks of ice from the road in their snowballs. That’s why that kid went down so hard.”

Eret’s eyebrows went up. “You know what? I’m gonna put this conversation on hold.”

“Does that mean I’m off the hook?”

“For now.” Eret stepped toward the door. “Remember, appropriate behavior.”

“Right. Got it.”

“I mean it, Wilbur.” Eret said as they left.

As soon as they were gone, Wilbur grinned and fell back onto the bed. He hadn’t done anything as viscerally satisfying as slamming a giant snowball on Dream’s head in a long time. Not only did that little shit torment Fundy, he was also blackmailing Quackity. Revenge had been served cold.

He heard the door slam shut and sat up to see Quackity had come in. He was leaning against the now closed door, holding his phone and staring at it with a look akin to horror. Before Wilbur could ask what was wrong, tears started rolling down Quackity’s face, and he sank to the floor, dropping his phone.

“What happened?”

Quackity shook his head. 

Wilbur stood quickly and knelt next to him. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s Karl…” Quackity whispered.

Wilbur’s eyes widened. “Is he…?”

Quackity shook his head again. “He’s not dead, but… He’s back in a coma.” He took a breath. “The doctor said he’s completely non-responsive. Almost no brain activity.”

“That’s… I mean at least he’s not dead?”

“He might as well be. The doctor said that for him to go non-responsive at this stage basically means he’ll never wake up.” He gave a shaky laugh full of self-hatred. “Just like I wanted, right?” He ran his hands through his hair, pulling on it like he was going to rip it out. “Fuck!”

“Hey, hey.” Wilbur took his hands before he could actually do himself any harm. “This isn’t your fault. It’s not like you could have made this happen. That- that’s just not how it works.”

“I already told you this is my fucking fault-”

“It’s not.”

“But-”

“Were you trying to kill him?”

“What?”

“Were you trying to kill him by acting stupid?”

“No…?”

“There. Then you’re an idiot, but you didn’t mean for any of this to happen. You can’t just take all the blame like that.” Still holding Quackity’s hands in one of his, Wilbur put his arm around Quackity and pulled him in close. “It’s gonna be okay.”

“How am I gonna explain this to Slime?”

“We’ll figure it out.”

“We…?”

“You shouldn’t have to do this out alone, so yeah. I’ll be there if you need me.”

Quackity let out a sob and curled into Wilbur. “I can’t fucking do this-”

“It’s gonna be okay.”

And so they sat there on the floor, Wilbur holding Quackity as he sobbed until he cried himself out. Wilbur wiped the tears off Quackity’s face and leaned his head against the door with a sigh. He felt sick with worry for Quackity and Slime, and even worse, he was sick with guilt from the tiny spark of hope in his chest that he couldn’t manage to put out.

Chapter Text

“Holy shit- I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. Can we please go back to the magic carpet?!” Quackity’s grip on Wilbur’s arm was so tight that it was almost definitely going to leave bruises

“If you stop kicking your feet around, the lift will stop rocking.”

“But I’m gonna fall!”

Wilbur resisted the urge to slap him. “Keep flailing about, and we’ll both fall.”

“But-”

“Quackity!” He snapped. “I’m not gonna let you fall.”

Quackity took a deep breath and finally stopped swinging his feet in panic. “Okay…” He said shakily. “Oh fuck me. We’re really high up.”

“Yeah. That’s why you’re not supposed to rock the lift.”

“Sorry…”

“Look. We’re already halfway there.”

“Wait- wait, how do we get off? Do they not stop it?” He sounded like he was about to panic again. This would be about the fifth time he’d freaked out over a completely normal skiing thing. Wilbur had found it endearing at first, like when Quackity had insisted he wasn’t able to walk in his ski boots because they were ‘too stiff’, but now his patience was starting to wear thin.

“All you need to do is lift your skis up like this,” He raised his feet to demonstrate, “Then keep them straight as you go down and try to keep your balance.”

“That’s it?”

“Once your skis hit the snow, you stand up and let the lift push you forward.”

“Let it what?!”

“You’ll go down a tiny hill and then you need to stop and wait for me, so I can strap my other foot in.” Wilbur had decided to snowboard today because he’d brought his own, but now he was starting to wonder if he should have just rented skis, so he could demonstrate things to Quackity.

The children weren’t going to start skiing until tomorrow, but there were a few hours of light left today, and Quackity had asked Wilbur to show him the basics before they had to juggle all the kids too. It had been a good call because Quackity was not at all a natural at skiing.

They’d been at the bunny slopes for almost an hour before Wilbur decided trial by fire was the best way to get Quackity to go faster than a snail crawl. They were only going up a green slope, the easiest kind, but Wilbur was already starting to worry this one might be a little steep for him. At least it wasn’t a long slope. Theoretically, they’d be down it in about five minutes.

“Okay- okay, I can do this.” 

“Good. Cuz I’m about to lift the bar up.” He reached for the bar that needed to go up so that they could actually get off the ski lift.

Quackity grabbed the bar and held it down. “Don’t you fucking dare.”

“How do you expect us to get off if I don’t?”

“Can’t we just ride it back down?”

“No. They don’t let people do that.”

“What if I’ve decided I hate skiing, and I want to get down without-”

“Pussy.”

“What?!”

“This is a baby slope. Look.” He pointed at a kid who was zooming down the slope below them. “That kid is like maybe five. If she can do it, then a grown ass man certainly can.” He moved Quackity’s hands and swung the bar up. “Now get ready to stand up.”

Quackity’s eyes widened as they came up to where they were supposed to disembark. “That is not a tiny hill! It’s like a forty-five degree angle!”

“But it’s not very long. You’ll be fine.” He sighed. “And you have to let go of my arm.”

Quackity let out a whine but didn’t let go. It would have been cute if it weren’t so annoying.

Wilbur gave a longer sign and waved at the lift operator to get their attention. “Can you stop the lift?” He yelled. “It’s his first time skiing.”

The operator gave a thumbs up and slowed the lift to a stop as they reached the top. 

“Okay, now you just stand up and slide down the hill.”

“What if I don’t?”

“Then I will literally leave you here.”

“Okay, okay, okay-” Quackity let go of his arm and slowly stood, then panicked when he started sliding and fell almost immediately. At least he fell out of the way, so Wilbur had room to slide down the hill without running him over.

Wilbur gave the operator a thumbs up as soon as they were in the clear, then he sat next to Quackity, who sounded like he was gasping in pain. “You alright?” He asked.

“Fine- Just landed on my rib- Fucking- This day just keeps getting better, huh?”

“Your rib?”

“The sorta fractured one?”

Wilbur’s eyebrows went up in alarm. “I thought you said that healed!”

“I said it was healing, not healed. Big difference.”

“Why the fuck are you skiing with a broken rib?!”

Quackity pushed himself to sitting with a wince. “Better than sitting in my room crying.”

“Screw this. I’m calling ski patrol to bring you down.”

“No!”

“Quackity, it’s fine. They have sleds they put injured people in to bring them down the slope.”

“I said I’m fine.” He gave a pained cough. “Now how do I stand up in these fucking things?”

Wilbur hesitated for a moment, debating what to do. “Line your skis up so they’re below you and perpendicular to the hill.” He finally instructed.

Quackity complied. “Okay…”

“Now put your poles on the other side of your body and use them to push yourself up to where you’re crouching.”

“Then what?”

“Then you’re going to very slowly stand up, making sure you don’t start sliding before you’re ready.”

Quackity nodded. “And then we just ski down the hill?”

“Yep. With your skis in the pizza shape just like I showed you. And I’ll be right behind you the whole time.”

“Okay…” With a little struggle, he did as Wilbur said and managed to stand. “Fuck me…” He muttered. “Okay, okay, this is fine.”

“And if you start feeling like you’re out of control, just fall to the side.”

“And you’ll be with me?”

“The whole time.”

Quackity gave a hesitant smile. “Okay.”

Chapter Text

“Tommy! Tommy! Tommy!” Fundy yelled as he burst into Tommy’s room. “He’s here! He followed us!”

Tommy was curled up in bed, covered in blankets and surrounded by piles of pillows, deeply asleep. Fundy jumped on the bed and shook the nearest part of Tommy he could grab, which turned out to be his ankle. Tommy screamed in alarm and started kicking. 

“Tommy, it’s me!” Fundy tried to say, just as Tommy’s foot made contact with his face, knocking him back. “Chill out!”

Tommy scrambled back from him with a panicked look. “Fucking- Holy shit-” He took a few deep, shaking breaths. “Fuck, man! You know I don’t like to be touched.”

Fundy winced. “Sorry…” Tommy never talked about what his life was like before Phil adopted him, but it was clear he had some sort of trauma going on. Fundy looked down guiltily. “I forget sometimes… I’m really sorry.”

“What’d you come in here for anyway?”

Mx. Eret stuck their head in the doorway before Fundy could answer. “Everything alright in here? I heard a scream.”

“Yeah, it’s fine.” Tommy answered. “Fundy just jumpscared me is all.”

“Are you alright?”

“I said it’s fine.”

“Okay… Let me know if you need anything.”

Mx. Eret left, and Fundy and Tommy waited for their footsteps to fade out.

“So what’s up?” Tommy asked in his trying-to-be-casual voice.

“That freaking silver car just pulled up to the lodge, and that same guy who’s been watching our house just got out of it. He’s checking in right now!”

Tommy’s eyes widened. “He followed us?”

“He must’ve!”

“What the fuck?!” Tommy jumped out of bed. “We need Tubbo, and we need knives. Stat.”

“Where the heck are we gonna get knives?”

“Uh… The kitchen? Obviously?”

“We’re not allowed in there!”

“Only if we get caught.”

Fundy sighed and followed Tommy out of the room. He was a crazy person, but he was also Fundy’s only friend if you didn’t count the teachers. “Wait- Why don’t we just tell Mx. Eret or Ms. Niki? They’re grownups. They’ll know what to do.”

Tommy rolled his eyes and knocked on Tubbo’s door. “Grownups never believe kids about shit like this. Or they say they believe you, and then they don’t do anything.”

“Really?”

“You can’t trust grownups to help with anything, Fundy.”

Tubbo opened his door with a yawn. “It’s true, but what’s the context?” He asked.

“Our stalker is back.” Tommy answered.

Tubbo blinked. “Stalker?”

“Yeah? You know, the silver car guy who’s always outside our house.”

“Oh, I thought we chased him off.”

“Well he’s back. Fundy saw him in the lobby.”

“In the lobby, you said?”

“Yeah, so I was thinking the plan of attack here is-”

Tubbo yawned again and walked out of his room and down the hall.

“Tubbo? Where are you going?” Tommy asked, sounding as concerned as Fundy felt.

“Oh, I was gonna talk to him.”

“You were gonna what?!”

Tubbo shrugged and started down the stairs, forcing Tommy and Fundy to follow him as far as the railing to keep him in sight. “I figure the best course of action is a direct one.” He explained. “It’s the blond bloke, yeah?”

“Tubbo, come back!” Tommy hissed. “We need to strategize!”

Tubbo ignored him, made it to the bottom of the stairs, and then walked right up to the silver car guy and started talking to him. Fundy and Tommy looked at each other, bewildered. Neither knew what to say or do, so they just watched, straining their ears, trying to catch any of what Tubbo was saying. 

It seemed like a friendly conversation. The man was smiling and occasionally chuckling, and then he gave Tubbo something and went outside. Tubbo came back up the stairs looking unbothered. 

“Well?” Tommy asked as soon as he made it back up.

“He said he’s a PI here on a secret mission. Not sure I believe him, but he gave me a chocolate, so that was pretty cool.” Tubbo showed them the chocolate, then started unwrapping it.

Tommy snatched it away.

“Hey!”

“It could be poisoned!”

Tubbo grabbed it back. “I doubt he would poison a child in a room full of witnesses. Do private investigators even carry poison?” He finished unwrapping the chocolate and popped it in his mouth. “Mm, peppermint.”

“Did- did he say anything else?” Fundy asked.

“Well I asked what he was doing here, and he said something about a secret mission. I asked who hired him, and he said that’s a secret too. And I asked why he hangs around your house so much, and he gave me this chocolate because he liked my gumption, whatever that means.”

“But did he say why he’s always outside our house?”

“Something about your neighbor’s, uh… in-fiddle-ty? I dunno. It was a big word, but I don’t think it has to do with you? And he also apologized if he scared us, and he said next time we think someone’s stalking us, we should probably call the police instead of running at them with knives.”

“So he’s just… a normal guy?” Tommy asked. He sounded disappointed.

“More or less. I mean how often do you get to meet a PI? That’s pretty cool.”

Tommy nodded. “I’d like to be a PI when I grow up. That’d be so cool.”

“We should ask him how it’s done when he gets back.”

“Ooh, I bet he gets all the ladies.” Tommy said, rubbing his hands together.

“Well obviously. I bet he has a ton of cool stories too!”

“You think he’s ever killed anyone?”

“He probably has a licence to kill, just like James Bond.”

Fundy stopped listening as they walked away, still gushing about the fabulous lives of private investigators. He sat with his back to the railing and put his head in his hands. Sure, Tommy was his friend, but that was just because they lived together. When you live with a kid who’s your age, you either have to be friends, enemies, or never even acknowledge the other’s existence.

Tommy and Tubbo were a different kind of friends. Those two were best friends. They just clicked. Fundy didn’t have anyone like that. He always felt like an outsider when he hung out with the two of them. He knew they weren’t doing it on purpose. They didn’t mean him any harm like Dream and his gang did, but it still hurt. They probably hadn’t even noticed he wasn’t following.

“You alright, kid?”

He looked up to see the silver car private investigator guy standing nearby, looking down at him with friendly concern.

“Yeah…” He wiped his eyes. “Yeah, I’m good.”

The guy knelt to be at eye level with him. “What’s up?”

“Just friend group stuff.” Fundy said with a shrug.

“Was that kid who came up and talked to me your friend?”

“I guess…”

“You guess?”

“He’s Tommy’s friend, and Tommy’s kinda my friend, so he’s like a friend-in-law.” He paused for a moment. “Sorry, I don’t think I’m actually supposed to talk to strangers so…”

The guy held out his hand. “I’m Punz.”

Fundy hesitantly shook it. “Are you actually a private investigator?”

“I am. You want proof?”

Fundy nodded. 

Punz reached into his pocket and took out a thick, leather wallet. “Here.” He pulled a business card from it and offered it to Fundy. “You can google me and find my website and everything.”

“You have a website?”

“Doesn’t everyone?”

Fundy shrugged and took the card and pocketed it. “Do you have a licence to kill?” He asked curiously.

Punz chuckled. “Why? Do you need someone taken care of?”

“I mean there’s this kid in my class who’s always bothering me… He’s really mean.”

“Oh yeah? What’s he done?” Punz asked as he sat and leaned against the railing too.

“Well he gets me in trouble a ton, and he and his friends make fun of me for a bunch of stuff, and since he’s super popular, no one at school wants to be my friend cuz they know he doesn’t like me.”

Punz nodded. “Popular kids are the worst.”

“They are! And no one except my dad believes me about how awful he is, and lately I can’t even talk to my dad, so now there’s no one on my side.”

“What happened with your dad?”

“A lot of stuff… He’s kind of really embarrassing, so I don’t wanna associate myself with him.”

“Really?”

“Like this one time, he showed up drunk to career day, and another time he came into class and punched my math teacher, and it turned out they were dating or something… He didn’t even tell me!”

“Wow, that’s terrible.”

“It is! And now he’s on this trip, and I’m pretty sure he and my math teacher are dating again cuz they keep acting gross like dating people do, you know? And he hasn’t talked to me about it at all. How am I supposed to talk to him about stuff if he never talks to me?”

“Jeez, I’m sorry. That sounds like a pain to deal with.”

“Yeah…” Fundy sighed. “It’s not that he’s a bad dad. He’s just… not very good at it either.”

“What about your mom?”

“She’s dead.”

“Oh.” Punz paused for a moment. “I’m so sorry.”

Fundy shrugged. “She wasn’t great either.” He felt his phone buzz in his pocket and checked it. “Oh, it’s dinner time.” He sighed and stood. “Guess I have to go deal with everyone now…”

“Well I’ll be around if you ever want to hear some cool stories.”

“Really? Like what?”

“Once, I was hired to follow this guy. Turns out he was another private investigator who was mixed up in mob business, and he was trying to follow me, so we were running circles around each other.”

Fundy raised his eyebrows, intrigued. “What happened?”

“You’ll have to find out some other time.”

“Okay…” He sighed.

Punz grinned. “I’ll give you a hint though… It ended with a fake wedding as cover for a sting operation.”

“That sounds like a movie! Were you the one getting fake married?”

“Go to dinner before you’re late.”

“But could I just stay here instead?”

“I don’t want to get you in trouble.”

“Okay…” He sighed again. “Well bye.”

“See you later, Fundy.”

Chapter Text

Quackity stepped out of the bathroom wrapped in a plush, red bathrobe. Steam from his shower was swirling around him. “God, I’m gonna be so fucking sore tomorrow. I can feel it already.” He groaned.

Wilbur tried to keep his voice steady even though his heart rate was already picking up. “From all the exercise or all the falling on your arse?” He asked teasingly, trying to act like a normal person.

“Both.” He tried to stretch and winced. “Fuck me… My shoulders are so fucking tight.”

“Come here.”

“What?”

“Come here. Don’t you trust me?”

Quackity gave him a curious look but came to stand at the edge of the bed.

“Now sit here in front of me.” 

“Okay…?” Quackity sat at the very edge of the bed.

Wilbur slid over so he was directly behind Quackity and put his hand on Quackity’s shoulder. “Now roll your shoulder up and back as far as it goes.”

“Why?”

“Just do it.” After a second, Quackity complied with his instructions. Wilbur pushed against his shoulder and started mentally counting the seconds. After a minute, he let go. “Okay, now relax and move it around a bit.

Quackity turned to give him a look, but when he moved his shoulder, his eyes widened. “Holy shit-”

“Mhm.”

“That’s like- What the fuck?” He laughed. “It’s so loose now.” He stretched again. “Wait, fuck, now you have to do the other one. It feels really weird only being tense on one side.”

Wilbur smiled. “Turn around then.”

Quackity nodded and turned. “Where’d you pick this up?”

Wilbur put his hand on his shoulder. “Stuff you have to learn working an office job for years.”

Quackity was silent for a moment, like he was thinking. “Useful…” He finally murmured, leaning against Wilbur. 

“You, uh-” His voice broke a little. “You have to be upright.”

“Right… Sorry.” He sat back up. “You sound nervous.” He said with a laugh.

“Me? Nervous? Nope. We’re just alone in this romantically lit hotel room, and you’re not wearing clothes. What about this scenario would possibly make me nervous?”

“It’s not like I’m gonna try anything.”

“I- I know-”

“Not if you don’t want me to.”

He let go of Quackity’s shoulder. “What?”

“Nothing…” Quackity sighed and rolled his shoulders. “Fuck, that feels good.”

“Well, I’m glad I could-” He cut himself off as Quackity turned and ran his hands up Wilbur’s thighs. “… help…” He managed to finish his sentence in a small voice.

“Hey, Wilbur?”

“Yeah?” Wilbur answered in a strained voice. Quackity was extremely close. Kissing distance, even.

“Do you miss it?”

“Miss what?”

Quackity looked him up and down with a smile. “You know…”

“I- I don’t, actually-” He leaned as far back as he could without falling over. “In fact, I’m feeling particularly stupid today, so you’re gonna have to spell it out for me.”

“Do you miss not being friends?”

Speechless, Wilbur could only nod.

Quackity grinned and leaned just a little closer, pressing his lips to Wilbur’s. Before he could think, Wilbur’s body responded immediately; he spread his legs and wrapped them around Quackity’s waist, pulling him closer. His lips moved hungrily against Quackity’s, almost desperately.

“You’ve been wanting this for a while, huh?” Quackity whispered.

Wilbur almost whimpered at the loss of contact. “I always want you.” He answered softly.

“We’re gonna fall if we stay at the edge of the bed.”

“So?”

“So move.” He leaned back. “There’s plenty of bed.”

Wilbur pouted as he scooted back to the center of the bed. “Better?” He asked impatiently. Now that they’d gotten started, he could barely stand not being touched.

Quackity laughed as he climbed onto the bed. “Are you pouting because I don’t want you to fall?”

“I’m pouting because you’re so far away.”

Quackity put his hand on Wilbur’s chest thoughtfully. “You’re really something, you know?”

“Fucking-” Wilbur grabbed him by the lapels of his bathrobe and pulled him closer. “Come here.” He said in a plaintive voice. “Kiss me.”

***

Quackity held back a smile as he leaned in to kiss Wilbur again. He would never admit it, but being with Wilbur made him feel good for more than just the obvious. It wasn’t just pleasure or the thrill of touch; it was how Wilbur so openly and honestly wanted him. No ulterior motives. No playing hard to get. Wilbur just wanted to be with him, and the feeling was intoxicating.

“Touch me.” He murmured against Wilbur’s lips. 

“W-what?” Wilbur asked breathlessly.

Quackity leaned back slightly and took Wilbur’s hands, gently spreading them open and putting them on his exposed chest. “There.” He tried to lean back in, but Wilbur held him back with a guilty look. “What is it?” Quackity asked.

Wilbur bit his lip. “We shouldn’t…” He said reluctantly. “Karl…”

Quackity’s jaw tightened. “Karl’s not coming back. You know that. It’s been such a fucking shit day, so please just- just give me a silver lining. Touch me like we’re two normal people on a normal fucking holiday.”

Wilbur silently studied Quackity’s face, like he was deliberating something. “You’re sure that’s what you want?” He asked quietly.

“More than anything.”

Wilbur nodded and wrapped his arms around Quackity’s waist, drawing him in close as he kissed Quackity’s neck and jaw. As their lips found each other again, Wilbur’s soft hands roamed Quackity’s body, lighting his skin on fire. Quackity was getting hard just from Wilbur’s touch. 

Still kissing him, Wilbur pushed Quackity onto his back. Surprised, Quackity opened his eyes to see Wilbur was looking down at him with a playful smile. Wilbur moved down to kiss Quackity’s chest as he slowly untied the bathrobe’s belt. Quackity’s breathing quickened. He knew where Wilbur was going.

When Wilbur lightly stroked his cock with his forefingers, up and down slowly, Quackity just about lost his mind. It was maddening how gently Wilbur was touching him, and one look at the bastard’s face confirmed that it was no accident. His stupid grin said everything. He was teasing Quackity on purpose.

“Harder…” Quackity muttered through gritted teeth. He was trying to keep his voice down because he wasn’t sure how thick the lodge’s walls were.

“Hm?” Wilbur leaned forward and kissed the skin just below Quackity’s waistline. So close yet so fucking far.

“Holy shit, I’m gonna fucking kill-” He cut himself off with a gasp as Wilbur put his mouth over his throbbing erection. “Yes-” He moaned. “Yes- Just like that- Fuck-”

Wilbur moved back slightly. “You should probably keep it down.” He whispered.

“Don’t care- Just don’t stop-” He let out another moan as he felt the warm wet of Wilbur’s tongue and mouth again. For being new at this, Wilbur was a quick learner. It took him no time at all to find just how to drive Quackity crazy.

Quackity’s hips bucked up involuntarily, and Wilbur moved his hands to hold him down. He was trying to hold still. He honestly was. Wilbur was just making it extremely difficult. He covered his mouth to hold back another moan. He hadn’t lost control like this in a long time. Usually he could at least stop himself from squirming around or making any squeaking noises, but this was just embarrassing. 

He could feel himself verging on climax. His breathing was ragged, and his hands trembled as he gripped the sheets beneath him. “Fuck- Yes- Oh my god-” The orgasm rocked his whole being, and he lost awareness of reality for a solid ten seconds as his brain turned to tv static.

When he tuned back into reality, Wilbur was sitting over him, wiping his mouth and looking incredibly smug. “Did I do a good job?” He asked with a grin.

“Fuck off…” Quackity answered breathlessly.

“No, seriously, it’s my first time. Did I do good?”

“Fucking… A+. I don’t know- Gimme a sec.” He took a few shaking breaths, trying to find a coherent thought amidst the lingering static.

“A+?” Wilbur asked in a teasing voice.

“Shut the fuck up. I didn’t mean to say that.”

“So I’ve got a passing grade then?”

“I’m gonna kick your ass.”

“I think that’s against school policy, Mr. Quackity.”

“Oh my god…” He rolled over with his back to Wilbur.

Wilbur laughed. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding.”

“Never call me that again.”

“Yes, sir.”

Quackity made a half-hearted attempt at kicking him. He didn’t have the energy to do much else. “You are so fucking close to sleeping on the floor.” He muttered.

“Is that a threat?”

“Yeah. It is. Or maybe I’ll tell Eret you tried to make a move on me, so they send you home.”

“You’re gonna rat me out to the principal?”

“Is it so much to ask for you to fucking cuddle with me?”

Wilbur laughed again, and then he laid down next to Quackity and put his arms around him. “How’s that?”

Quackity immediately relaxed into his embrace. “Much better…” He said quietly. Horrible jokes aside, he still felt so safe in Wilbur’s arms. He closed his eyes with a contented sigh. “Can we just stay here forever?” He mumbled after a minute of comfortable quiet.

“Like this?” Wilbur asked softly.

“Just like this.”

“I’d like that.”

Quackity could feel himself drifting off. He opened his eyes in an attempt to stay awake, but they were so heavy. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to sleep; he just wanted to relish in the moment a little longer.

Chapter Text

Quackity awoke with a start and looked around. He was still in the lodge, and Wilbur’s arms were still around him. He took a shaking breath and put his head back on the pillow. Everything in his dream had been so vivid. The glare of headlights, the feeling of the wheel jerk away from him, the moment of weightlessness as the car flipped off the road, and Karl’s panicked scream being cut short by the impact.

He much preferred the nightmares about math.

“What’s wrong?” Wilbur asked sleepily.

“Nothing… It’s nothing.”

“You’re shaking.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“That’s not- Are you okay?”

“It was just a nightmare.”

Wilbur pulled him closer in a tight embrace and kissed the top of his head. “It’s okay.”

Tears rose involuntarily to Quackity’s eyes, and he quickly wiped them away. “Thanks.” He mumbled, settling into Wilbur’s arms. With their bodies pressed together under the heavy comforter, Quackity felt almost normal for the first time in a long time. “How long do you think we can stay up here before-” A knock at the door interrupted him, and he groaned.

“Are you gentlemen awake?” Came Eret’s voice through the door.

“If we just stay quiet…” Wilbur whispered.

“Then they’ll just come in to wake us up.” Quackity whispered back, then he raised his voice to answer Eret, “Yeah, we’re up.”

“Then come down. The kids are already having breakfast.”

“Be right there.” Quackity said as he sighed and sat up. “C’mon…” He said to Wilbur. “Duty calls.”

“Do we have to?” Wilbur pouted. 

“Kinda. Yeah.”

“That’s dumb.”

Quackity laughed and leaned back in to give him a quick kiss, but Wilbur caught him and pulled him closer, deepening the kiss. For a second, Quackity completely forgot what he was supposed to be doing. “You- Stop being so distracting-” He said, making a half-hearted attempt to pull away.

“But it’s cold in here.” Wilbur muttered, kissing Quackity’s neck. “And you’re so warm.”

“Wilbur…”

“Just five more minutes?” He kissed Quackity’s cheek gently. “Please?”

“You’re gonna get us in so much fucking trouble.” Quackity said with a fond smile.

Wilbur grinned and kissed him again.

***

Tommy looked around. “Where the hell is Fundy? The breakfast buffet’s like about to close.”

“I dunno. Wilbur and Mr. Quackity aren’t here either.” Tubbo mumbled through his mouthful of pancake. “You think they all ditched us?”

“Fundy’s probably just avoiding Dream.” Foolish said, chiming in from across the table. “And George and Sapnap and probably you guys too.”

“What do you mean ‘you guys too’?” Tommy asked. “Why would Fundy avoid us?”

“Cuz you guys friend-third-wheel him, like, all the time? Also, can you pass the syrup?”

Tommy furrowed his eyebrows. “No, we don’t! What does friend-third-wheel even mean?”

“Here you go, bossman.” Tubbo said, passing Foolish the syrup, then he thought for a moment and looked back at Tommy. “Y’know, he kind of has a point, Tommy…”

“I don’t even know what his point is!”

“Think of it like two people are dating, and then someone else is also just there and trying to make awkward conversation and stuff even though they’re clearly not wanted.”

“Tubbo, man, you know I love you like a brother, but we are not dating.”

“No, I know that. That’s why it’s friend -third-wheeling.”

“I don’t get it.”

“It’s like… You know how we have a bunch of inside jokes? Well, Fundy’s not in on them. He’s just kind of there. Or how we get each other’s trauma and stuff? Fundy doesn’t cuz his dad isn’t, well, a piece of you know what.”

“I mean he kind of is…”

“Right, but in a different way.”

“Right, right…” Tommy trailed off into silence, thinking about Fundy. “I’m gonna go find Fundy.”

“What’re you gonna say?”

“Apologize, I guess? I dunno. I just didn’t realize… I never want anyone to feel like they’re being left out, especially family.” Tommy stood to go.

“You gonna finish your bacon?” Foolish asked.

“You can have it.”

“About how crispy would you say it is?”

“Why-” And then Tommy saw the tower of bacon, stacked like a deck of cards, on the table in front of Foolish, and he understood why it being crispy was important. “Pretty crispy.”

“Thanks.” Foolish carefully reached across the table and took Tommy’s bacon to add to his tower.

Tommy headed out into the lobby and was about to start up the stairs when he heard Fundy’s voice. He spun around to see Fundy was sitting with that private investigator guy, talking to him. Tommy hurried over. “Hey, Fundy…” He said loudly as he approached. “What are you up to?”

“Oh, hi, Tommy.” Fundy said without turning. “Can you leave me alone? I’m busy.”

“Busy talking to a strange adult?”

Fundy turned to look at him with a glare. “This is Punz. He’s my friend.”

“You’re friends with the strange adult you met yesterday?”

“He’s not strange- He’s nice! And he has really cool stories.”

“Fundy… Can I talk to you?”

“Just leave me alone, Tommy.” Fundy lowered his voice. “You don’t have to act like my friend…”

“I am your friend, idiot! And more importantly, I am your uncle. And as your uncle, I am telling you to stop talking to this Punz character because he is suspicious and wearing lots of Old Spice.”

“What does- No, you know what? I don’t care. You can’t boss me around, and I’ll talk to whoever I freaking want.”

Punz smiled. “It’s okay, Fundy. I should get going anyway.”

“Oh, but-”

Punz stood. “You’re a good uncle, looking after him like that.” He told Tommy, reaching to pat him on the head as he walked away.

Tommy resisted the intense urge to bite the man, instead ducking away from his hand. He still got patted, but it was less weird than just standing there and allowing it. “Prick…” Tommy muttered once Punz was out of earshot.

“You guys ruin everything.” Fundy said angrily as he stood and started towards the front door with a huff.

“Fundy, wait!” Tommy shouted, hurrying after him. 

***

Niki set down her coffee with a sigh and leaned over to Eret. “I think we should tell them.” She said quietly.

Eret shrugged. “When the bacon tower falls, we’ll just have him clean it up. Honestly, I just want to see how tall he can-”

“No… I mean Quackity and Wilbur… We should tell them.”

“That you could hear them?”

She cringed. “Yeah…”

“What would be the point?” Eret said in a tired voice. “They’re grownups, so we can’t actually stop them from doing anything.”

“But what if a student were to hear them? I know you told them to act appropriately, so you’d be in your right to tell them off.”

“For what, exactly, Niki? What do you want me to say to two consenting adults who are both lacking positive relationships and actually seem happy for once?”

Before she could answer, she caught sight of Dream getting ready to throw a pancake at Foolish’s bacon tower. “Dream.” She said in an even tone. “What have we said about throwing things?”

Dream grimaced. “But, uh… We- we’re not in the classroom right now, so does that rule still apply…?”

“Put it down.”

“Okay…” He said glumly as he dropped the pancake back on his plate. 

“Thank you.”

“This is the worst vacation ever.”

“If you’d like, I can assign you another essay about why we don’t throw things, whether or not it’s in the classroom.”

Dream’s eyes widened. “Uh- No, thanks- I’m good! I wasn’t even gonna throw it, actually. I was just, uh- just- just weighing it.”

“You’re such a liar.” George said with a laugh.

“Shut up, George.”

Sapnap grinned. “No, you should definitely give him an essay, Miss Niki.” He urged. “Probably at least four paragraphs.”

“Ooh, and you should make him finish it before he can go skiing.” George added.

“Guys!” Dream yelled over them in distress.

They both laughed. 

Niki held back a smile. “Alright, everyone.” She said in a louder voice. “Clean up your places and go get dressed. We’ll meet in the lobby in ten minutes.”

“Oh, but-” Foolish started to say, but before he could finish, the jostling of the table from the rest of the class standing up made his bacon tower collapse. “Nevermind…” He sighed.

“You got to a pretty good height.” Eret commented. “Make sure you clean all that up.” They added, pointing to the bacon on the floor.

“Dream, can you please help him?” Niki asked.

“But I didn’t even-”

“None of us can go skiing until we’re all ready.”

Dream groaned and walked to the other side of the table to start picking up bacon. Sapnap whispered something to George, and they both laughed.

“If you two are done with your plates, you can help as well.” She told them.

They glanced at each other with matching looks of reluctance, then went to help clean up the bacon.

Niki turned back to Eret. “Did you see where Tommy went off to?”

“Lobby.”

She nodded. “And please talk to Quackity and Wilbur… For Fundy’s sake, at least. He’s been through enough embarrassment.”

“Fair point…” Eret sighed. “I’ll talk to them.”

***

Quackity pulled on his sock and then checked his phone. “Holy shit, we are beyond late-”

Wilbur leaned against him and kissed his neck. “Mm, mhm.”

“We’re supposed to leave the lodge at nine o’clock, and it’s 8:53.” He said, pulling away from Wilbur and standing to look for his other sock.

“So we’ve got seven whole minutes.”

“That’s not- You’re not even dressed!”

“I can get dressed in like two minutes easy.”

“I can’t believe I let you distract me for so long-”

“Relax…” He caught Quackity’s hand and kissed it. “It’s not like the kids are gonna be on time anyway.”

Quackity gave a fond smile against his will. “Are you always this clingy in the morning?”

Wilbur laughed. “Nope. Never.” He kissed Quackity’s hand again. “This is definitely a first.”

“Well stop. You’re gonna make me want to skip out on chaperoning all together.”

“What if that was the plan all along?”

Quackity rolled his eyes and gave him a quick kiss. “Get dressed.”

“Yes, sir.”

“I fucking told you not to call me that.” He scolded, trying not to laugh.

“Well then stop giving me orders.”

“I am not- Ugh, whatever. Have you seen my other sock?”

“Nope.” Wilbur stood and started going through his own suitcase and got dressed as Quackity searched the room for his sock, which he eventually found under the sink in the bathroom for some reason. By the time Quackity pulled on his snow boots, Wilbur was standing by the door, ready to go.

“C’mon, Quackity!” He called with a grin. “We’re gonna be late.”

“I am going to fucking throttle you-” Quackity muttered as he finished tying his shoes.

“Oh yeah?” Wilbur answered in an annoyingly flirtatious voice. “That’s kinda hot…”

Quackity stood and walked up to him. “For someone who’s never been fucked, you are getting far too bold about this sex thing.” He said, poking Wilbur in the chest.

Wilbur laughed. “And what are you gonna do about it?” He asked as he opened the door.

***

“Now, see, the thing about gluing legos is you have to absolutely sure about your build before you do it, otherwise it’s all ruined, and even then you have to consider-”

“Uh huh…” Tubbo answered before Foolish could finish. He was hoping to cut the conversation short, seeing as he really didn’t care about making lego replicas of national monuments. At least he’d have a reason to walk away as soon as they made it to their rooms.

As they reached the top of the stairs, Tubbo heard Wilbur’s voice from down the hall, and as they rounded the corner, the entire class ahead of them came to a dead stop. Tubbo ran into the person ahead of him, but he was too short to see what the hold up was. Foolish, on the other hand, was staring ahead of them with his mouth hanging open.

Tubbo pushed his way to the front. When he saw what was happening, he froze too. Mr. Quackity had Wilbur pushed up against a wall, and they were kissing.

Chapter Text

Quackity glared and poked him in the chest. “For someone who’s never been fucked, you are getting far too bold about this sex thing.”

“And what are you gonna do about it?” Wilbur asked as he laughed and opened the door.

Quackity glared and followed him out, pushing him up against the wall and kissing him aggressively. Wilbur wrapped his arms around Quackity’s neck to pull him closer. And then he heard the sound of feet coming down the hallway, followed by several gasps. He opened his eyes to see all the children were gathered in the hallway, staring at them in shock.

He quickly pushed Quackity off him and stood up straight, trying to look casual even though he could already feel himself turning red. “Morning.” He said, awkwardly clearing his throat. “How, uh- how are you all this morning?”

After a prolonged silence, Tubbo was the only one who answered. “Um… Fine, how are you?”

“Good, good. I’m good. Um- Are we all ready to hit the slopes?”

Quackity suddenly burst into hysterical laughter. He paced a small circle and then leaned his head against the wall as he fell silent. He looked like he was having a full on mental breakdown, which was valid, though not very timely.

And now the hallway was completely silent. The children were all staring, but apparently none of them could speak. Honestly, Wilbur would prefer them freaking out instead of this god awful silence. But before he could try to make any more awkward conversation, Eret and Niki walked up, looking confused.

“What are we all doing in the hallway?” Eret asked.

Somehow that opened the floodgates. All at once, all of the students started explaining what happened to Eret, yelling over each other in dismay.

“We were coming upstairs-”

“-and they were kissing-”

“-my bacon tower-”

“-they were making out-”

“-right there-”

“-I can’t believe-”

“-and then-”

“-my mom’s gonna-”

“ONE PERSON AT A TIME, PLEASE.” Eret yelled over the din. They quieted. “Now who wants to explain?”

Dream raised his hand. “They were making out in the hallway.” He explained. “And we all saw it.”

George started laughing. “Isn’t this exactly what you were saying to blackmail-”

“Shut up, George!”

“I mean you basically just-”

“I said shut up!”

“Blackmail?” Eret asked.

George started laughing harder, and Dream elbowed him. “Nothing.” He said quickly. “George is just a liar sometimes.”

“Everyone, go.” Eret ordered. “Put on your snow clothes and meet Ms. Niki downstairs.”

The children nodded and slowly left, whispering to each other the whole way out, which left Eret, Niki, Wilbur, and Quackity alone in the hallway. Wilbur swallowed nervously.

Quackity still had his head leaned against the wall. “God, I am so fired…” He muttered.

“Don’t I get a say in that?” Eret asked. It almost sounded like they were amused.

“Don’t even- I’ll just pack my stuff…” Quackity said quietly.

“Quackity, you’re not fired.”

Quackity slowly lifted his head from the wall to look at Eret. “I’m not…?”

“Niki, can you and Wilbur take the kids over to ski school while we talk?”

Niki nodded and motioned for Wilbur to come with her. Wilbur was too embarrassed to even look at Quackity, so he just followed Niki downstairs silently.

“Wilbur, can you do something for me?” Niki asked. 

“Can- can I actually have a minute?”

“Sure?”

He calmly walked over to the nearest couch, picked up a cushion, and screamed into it. His throat raw, he dropped the cushion and walked back to Niki. “Okay,” He said a little hoarsely, “What’s up?”

She took a moment to respond. “… Will you go find Fundy and Tommy? I think they left the lodge…”

“Oh… But Fundy-”

Niki gave a long sigh that made Wilbur wonder how much she knew. “Have you tried talking to him?”

“Of course I have!”

“Not just apologizing, but talking about it. I imagine there’s a lot you haven’t told him.”

“But…”

“Did you even come out to him properly?”

Wilbur grimaced at the thought. “No…?”

She gave him a look. “Then can you imagine why he’s feeling so hurt by everything?”

“I didn’t even think about that… God- Why am I so bad at this?”

Niki shrugged. “Communication takes time and effort and practice, Wilbur. No one’s perfect at it overnight.”

“How’d you get so good at it?”

“I’m literally the school counselor, Wilbur. It’s my job.”

“Oh.”

“Now go find your son. And be honest with him.”

Wilbur nodded. “Thanks.” He said, turning to go. “For the advice, I mean.” 

“Of course.”

He found Fundy and Tommy just outside the door, sitting on a bench. They were talking quietly and fell silent when they saw him. Neither seemed happy to see him.

“Hey…” Wilbur said awkwardly. “Aren’t you two cold?”

Tommy glanced at Fundy, then answered, “No.”

“How about you, champ?” Wilbur asked Fundy softly.

Fundy ignored him.

“Can you leave us alone please?” Tommy asked. “We’re trying to have a talk.”

“I… I’d like to have a talk too.”

“Well our talk is more important.”

“Tommy, can you bugger off and let Fundy speak for himself?”

“You bugger off, Will! Unlike you, I’m tryna be there for Fundy.”

“You little-” He took a deep breath. “Look, can you just let us talk for a bit?”

“Are you gonna apologize?”

“Yes.”

“For everything?”

“Yes! Now will you please go?”

Tommy looked at Fundy. “Do you want me to stay? I’ve got an excellent bullshit detector.”

“It’s fine.” Fundy answered quietly.

“Okay… Give a shout if you need me. I will throw down if necessary.”

Fundy smiled. “Thanks, Tommy.”

Tommy nodded, gave Wilbur one last glare, then headed inside.

Wilbur shifted his weight from foot to foot, trying to order his thoughts. “Mind if I sit?” He asked after a moment. Fundy shook his head and scooted over to make more room. Wilbur sat awkwardly. “So, uh…”

“I know you’re sorry, so you don’t have to say it.”

“Well I’m sorry for more than just punching your teacher.” He paused to give Fundy a chance to say something. He didn’t. So Wilbur continued. “I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you about what was going on. And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you we were… involved. And I am so sorry I wasn't honest with you from the beginning. I should have told you… Well, there’s a lot I should have told you.”

Fundy was quiet for a while. “Are you in love with Mr. Quackity?” He finally asked.

Wilbur hesitated. “I… I don’t know. That’s the honest answer. I don’t know. I’m sure I even know what romantic love feels like.”

“So… did you ever love mom?”

“I think I did at some point… Maybe not the same way, but- Well, it’s complicated. Me and your mum- We didn’t get on for a lot of reasons. I think we both resented each other, and we just- Have you learned about net gain and loss in math yet?”

Fundy nodded.

“Well it’s like that. Even if there were times we were happy with each other, the unhappiness pile was bigger, so at the end of the day, it was a net loss in happiness.”

“Is it because of me?” Fundy asked in a small voice.

“What? What do you mean?”

Fundy pulled on his sleeves, his eyes on the ground. “If you were unhappy, then why’d you stay together? Was- was it cuz of me? Were you both unhappy for so long because you had me?”

“No. God no, Fundy, you’re the reason we had the happy times. All my good memories the last ten years were because of you, and I know your mum would say the same. You’re one of the best things to ever happen to me.”

“Really?”

“One hundred percent.”

“But-” Fundy’s voice broke. “But you were gonna be a musician, and mom was gonna go to PhD school, and instead you both just-”

“Fundy, you listen to me. I wouldn’t change a thing about my life because it means I ended up having the coolest son ever. All the shit that happened is worth it because I get to have you in my life, okay?”

“Okay…” Fundy wiped his eyes with his sleeve. “You promise you’re telling the truth?”

“Yes. And I promise I won’t lie to you again, Fundy. No more secrets.”

Fundy nodded and hugged him. Wilbur wrapped his arms around Fundy and held him close, breathing a long sigh of relief.

Chapter Text

Jack sighed and glanced around the empty bar. Tuesdays were always so slow, and it was too early for the hospital crowd to come in yet, so there was just one sad drunk in the corner who kept ordering doubles of rye whiskey.

The door chimed, and he perked up. “What can I-” He paused. It was Sally, Wilbur’s ex, who'd just walked in. “Oh… Hi.”

“Hi, Jack. Have you seen Wilbur recently?”

“Why are you here?” Jack asked in a tired voice.

“I just… had a few questions.”

“For Wilbur? Cuz he’s not here.”

“For you.”

“Bartender-patron confidentiality, sorry.”

“Jack, please. I just want to know how my son’s doing.”

“The son you abandoned?”

“That-” She gritted her teeth. “That’s Wilbur’s story. Somehow, I doubt he told you the whole thing.”

Jack sighed. “I’ve already told Wilbur this many times. I don’t care about your marital drama.”

“Then just tell me if Fundy’s okay.”

“This is a bar. So are you gonna buy a drink, or are you gonna leave?”

“I’ll take a cosmo.” She said, taking a seat at the bar as she put down a fifty. “Now tell me about Fundy.”

“You’re trying to bribe me?”

“It’s a tip.”

“Last you were here, you gave Wilbur a bloody panic attack and left without paying.”

“Well he told everyone I was dead, so he wouldn’t have to deal with the shame of what he did!” She snapped, then pinched the bridge of her nose and took a long breath. “Look, if you think Fundy is better off with Wilbur having full custody- If you actually think that he’s the better parent, and that he’s good for Fundy, then I’ll leave. I’ll back off. But if Fundy’s not okay, then it’s my duty to try and make things better for him… He doesn’t deserve any of this.”

Jack was silent for a bit. “My parents split when I was about his age… No kid should have to go through all the shit that comes with that.” He thought about it for a long moment, then he sighed. “I met him once, you know? He’s a good kid.”

“So will you talk to me?”

“This is just between us, okay? I don’t want any bloody lawyers or social service pricks coming in and interviewing me.”

“Just us.”

“Well from what I’ve heard… Fundy’s failing more than half his classes, and barely scraping by in the rest. He doesn’t have any friends, and he’s constantly being bullied. He doesn’t sleep. He barely eats. He just plays video games and hides out in his room all day. And a while back he got suspended for having a bunch of violent incidents that involved biting his classmates…” 

He trailed off, trying to figure out how much of Wilbur’s personal drama he should include. “And then Wilbur’s been struggling with his own stuff, so he’s not really… I don’t think him and Fundy are on speaking terms right now. So the gist of it is no, he’s not doing so great.” He turned to face the liquor, so he wouldn’t have to watch her pained expression any more. “You said a cosmo?”

Sally had put her head in her hands in what looked like despair. “Yeah. Thanks.” She said quietly. “God, Fundy… I never should have left.”

“True.” Jack said as he reached for the cranberry juice. “Why did you? Just- just out of curiosity…”

“The short of it is, Wilbur was cheating on me. I suspected for a long time, but I didn’t actually know until I walked in on him and another woman… in our own bed.”

“Jesus…”

“Yeah. My dad’s a lawyer, so when Wilbur and I got married, he wrote up a prenup for us with an infidelity clause. It’s almost like he knew it would happen sooner or later. Basically I was going to get everything in the divorce, and Wilbur knew it. That’s why the night before our court date, he tried to sneak out. He was going to fly off to Europe with whatever assets he could bring with him.

“I don’t know why he didn’t, but I found the plane ticket in the trash the next morning… And I lost it. We had a big fight. And after one meeting with our lawyers, I knew I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t stand to be around him after- Look, I know it’s selfish, but that’s why I left… I finished all the legal stuff remotely, but I couldn’t bring Fundy with me until everything was settled. And by then, he’d made up his mind that I was the bad guy…”

She sighed. “I know I was never the best wife. Me and Wilbur… We were never happy, and I know he never loved me. But I was a good mom. I love my son more than anything. I gave up so much of my life to take care of him. You probably know this already, but I did originally come here looking for dirt on Wilbur. But now that I know Fundy is… God, I’m such an idiot. I was so mad at Wilbur that I-” She shook her head. “I’m gonna fix this.”

Jack nodded as he placed her drink in front of her. She picked it up and finished it in three gulps.

“You know cocktails are for sipping?” He asked.

“Thanks for talking to me, Jack.” She said, standing. “I have to make a call.”

Jack watched her walk towards the door, and then he sighed. “Wait.” He said reluctantly. “There’s something else you should know about Wilbur…”

***

Two years ago…

“Can I open my eyes yet?” Karl asked. It had to have been at least five minutes since he last asked. That was enough time in between, right? Five minutes was plenty of time. Maybe even too much. Maybe Quackity was pranking him, and they’d already gotten to wherever they were supposed to be going a while ago.

Quackity answered the same way he had the last three times Karl had asked. “Almost.”

“How about now?”

“Karl, I’m about to turn the frickin’ car around if you don’t stop asking.”

“We’ve been going uphill a while, so it’s gotta be somewhere up high.”

“What do you mean? We’ve been on the interstate this whole time.”

“Are you seriously elevation gaslighting me right now?”

Quackity laughed. “Am I what?”

“Dude, my ears popped like two minutes ago! I know we’re up high.”

“Fine, open your eyes and ruin the surprise.”

Karl sighed. “Okay…” He knew Quackity was just joking around with the passive aggression. At least he hoped he was.

A minute of silence passed, and the car finally stopped.

“How about now?” Karl asked.

“Yes. Now.”

Karl opened his eyes and blinked a few times. They were at the overlook where they used to hang out all the time. It was where Quackity had first kissed him. You could see the whole city from up here. And since night was falling, the sky was etched with stars.

“The overlook? What are we doing up here?”

“Picnic.”

Karl gave him a questioning look but followed his lead and got out of the car. Quackity took out a blanket and a basket from the trunk and started setting up. Karl watched him, confused. “First you treat me to a fancy dinner, and now this? Are you buttering me up for something?”

“What makes you say that?”

“What did you do?”

“What? Nothing. Come sit with me.”

“Quackity…”

Quackity sighed. “Okay, okay. You got me.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box. And then he got down on one knee, and opened the box to reveal a ring.

Karl gasped. “Oh my gosh, yes!”

“Hold on, hold on, I had a whole speech-”

“Are you trying to talk me out of it?”

“No…?”

“Then stand up. That’s gotta be hurting your knee.”

“Kinda, yeah.” Quackity laughed and stood, brushing the dirt off his knee. “Can I still do my speech?”

Karl nodded and took the ring box from him.

“Hey!”

“No take-backsies now.” He said, putting on the ring. It was a perfect fit. “You’re stuck with me.”

Quackity smiled. “Wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“So? Speech?”

“Well, uh… Crap, hold on, I’m blanking-” He reached into his other pocket, pulled out a crumpled piece of paper, and skimmed over it. “Right. Okay.” He cleared his throat. “So I know neither of us have had the best experiences with love… Like any kind of love ever, actually. Family, friends, partners…”

He looked up from his paper. “But you taught me what being loved feels like, and I’m never gonna forget that… I’ve never felt like this before. Nothing even comes close… And I never want to ever lose that feeling. So-”

“Yes.” Karl pulled Quackity in close for a kiss. “Yes, yes, yes. Of course I will.”

“Cool.” Quackity breathed a sigh of relief. “I love you, Karl.”

Karl smiled. “I love you too.”

Chapter Text

“So are you and Mr. Quackity gonna get married?” Fundy asked as they followed behind the rest of the class on the way to ski school.

They’d already all gone through the hellish, chaotic process of getting gear, so now everyone was waddling awkwardly in their ski boots, carrying their boards and skis and poles, trying not to hit each other with them—Unless you were George, who had already ‘accidentally’ hit three people with his poles.

Wilbur laughed. “I think we’re a bit far out to make that call yet. We only just recently started dating. Officially, I mean. Well, I think it’s official… We haven’t actually properly talked about it, but uh- That’s a bit beside the point, sorry.”

“Oh… Okay.”

“Would you be okay with that? If- if we did get married at some point?”

“I mean I guess he’s kinda cool… He has been helping me fix my grade lately. It’d be weird though. I always feel like I’m gonna get homework when he’s around.”

“I doubt he’ll give you homework outside of class.” Wilbur said with another laugh.

“He’s done it before. If people are loud in the hallways, he makes them do timed multiplication tables.”

“Does he really?”

Fundy nodded solemnly. “And if you do get married, can you wait until he’s not my teacher anymore? It’d be really weird. Like, I wouldn’t know what to call him. Mr. Quackity? Dad? Either way, there’s no winning.”

“That’s a really good point, actually… Okay, no getting married while he’s still your teacher.”

“Cool.”

“Any more questions?”

“Yes. Why the frick did you think it was a good idea to make out with him in front of everyone?!”

“Um-” Wilbur grimaced. “Well, about that… See, the thing is we were definitely not thinking at all. Absolutely no thought went into that.”

“I’m just glad I wasn’t there…” Fundy muttered, making a face of disgust. “That’s traumatizing stuff. Ten years from now, I’d be talking about it with a therapist.”

“Kissing isn’t even-” Wilbur started to say.

“Wilbur, stop being gross! We’re minors for Christ’s sake!” Tommy yelled from in front of them.

“Oh, shut up, Tommy! You’re not even a part of this conversation.”

“You shut up, prick!”

Wilbur had a brief internal debate about the ethics of drop kicking a child and decided that, from a legal standpoint, it was probably best to just ignore him. The class came to a stop in front of the ski school building, so Fundy and Wilbur stopped with them.

“Alright, everyone!” Niki announced. “If your parents exempted you from ski school, you are going to go with Mr. Soot to the slopes. If not, you will follow me inside, so I can get you checked in. Any questions?”

Eryn raised his hand. “How do we know if we’re exempt?”

“Is your name Dream, Tommy, or Fundy?”

“No…?”

“Then you’re not exempt.”

“But I already know how to-”

“But your parents didn’t fill out the paperwork, so you’re going to ski school first.”

Eryn groaned.

“Any other questions?”

George raised his hand. “Why does Fundy get to be exempt? I bet he’s dogwater at skiing just like he is at everything else.”

Before Wilbur could even say anything, Tommy jumped in. “First of all, he’s not even skiing today. You can tell that if you just look at his boots, you ignorant shithead-”

Wilbur cut in. “Tommy, don’t swear.”

“But-”

“But you’re also right. Even an idiot could tell Fundy’s not wearing ski boots right now. Not to mention the fact that he’s been doing this since he learned to walk, while I’m pretty sure George has never even been down a bunny slope.”

“Hey, leave George alone!” Dream snapped. “He may be an idiot, but he’s not wrong about Fundy sucking at, like, everything.”

Tommy stepped forward with a glare. “Dream, you are such a-”

“That’s enough!” Niki yelled over them, then she looked at Wilbur. “Are you gonna be alright with them?”

“Oh. Yeah. Totally. I can do this.Watching three children at once is not at all outside my comfort zone.”

“Just don’t let them kill each other, and you’ll be okay.”

“Right, right, right.”

She turned to address the kids, but it seemed like she was looking specifically at Dream. “I don’t want to hear about any of you causing trouble for Mr. Soot, okay?”

“What if they do?” Sapnap asked. “It’s not like he’s a teacher.”

“Then they can spend the rest of the day in their room.”

“Oh…”

Niki gave Wilbur a reassuring smile and then motioned for the rest of the kids to follow her, leaving him alone with Dream, Tommy, and Fundy. Wilbur held back a grimace and clapped his hands together. “Where to first, gang?” He asked in as upbeat a voice as he could manage.

“Well, we’d better stick to greens for Fundy and Tommy’s sake.” Dream answered with a shrug. “Don’t want them to-” And then a mitten hit him in the face. Fundy had thrown his mitten at Dream. Stunned, it took Dream a moment to recover. “What the heck, Fundy!?”

“That was a challenge. You know how knights used to challenge each other to duels and stuff? I’m challenging you to a race.”

Dream crossed his arms. “What are the stakes?” He asked skeptically.

“If I win, you have to get everyone to shut up about my dad and Mr. Quackity dating. And you have to tell everyone I beat you.”

“And what if I win?”

Fundy thought for a moment. “If you win, I’ll help you salvage your stupid you-know-what scheme that George just screwed up.”

“That’s a very interesting- Hm, how about this? If I win, you’re taking the blame for the you-know-what. One hundred percent. You’re gonna tell Mx. Eret it was all your fault.”

“You’re on.” Fundy agreed without hesitation.

“Wait wait wait-” Tommy said quickly. “Fundy, if you do that, you’re gonna get expelled. I mean believe me, I’m all for putting Dream in his place but-”

“You guys are just having this conversation right in front of me?” Wilbur asked, speaking over Tommy. 

Dream shrugged. “It’s not like anyone would believe you anyway. Think about it. Everyone knows that you’re gonna take Fundy’s side, and that you’re gonna come up with excuses for him, and that you don’t like me, so…”

“You really are a right little shit.”

Dream ignored him and looked at Fundy. “So are we on?”

Fundy nodded. “My dad and Tommy can wait at the bottom to see who finishes first.”

“No way. They’re way too biased! We’re getting a third party.”

“They can film it if you’re gonna be paranoid.”

Dream glared. “Fine.” He muttered. “What slope are we doing?”

Fundy took out a map and looked it over. “Are you good enough for this blue/black?”

“Are you?”

“Hey, I’m just trying to make sure you don’t hurt yourself.”

“Um…” Wilbur said loudly. “Let’s stick to greens and blues if we’re really doing this, okay? Just- just for my sake.”

They both rolled their eyes at him then looked back at the map. Fundy pointed to a nearby blue/green slope, and Dream nodded in agreement. Without another word, they started walking towards it. Wilbur and Tommy looked at each other and then hurried to follow.

Chapter Text

Ranboo sighed and checked the mac and cheese box again. He had followed the directions to the letter, and somehow it still turned out weird and lumpy. It was like he was cursed. The simplest foods you could imagine, mac and cheese, ramen, and even oven-baked pizza, never turned out right for him. It was just embarrassing at this point. The only person he ever cooked for was Slime, mostly because he was too young to know that mac and cheese wasn’t supposed to look like cottage cheese.

He heard Slime come into the kitchen. “Ranboo from down the street?” Slime asked.

“Yeah, what’s up? Did your cartoon end?”

“The computer died.”

“Oh, I’ll plug it in for you.”

“Can we visit Karl?”

“I- I already told you. We can visit Karl when Quackity gets back from his trip.”

“But it’s been days! What if he’s lonely?”

“I’m sure the, uh- the nurses are keeping him company.”

“But won’t he miss me?”

Ranboo faltered. “Uh…” He didn’t have an answer for that that wouldn’t make Slime cry.

“We usually see him everyday.”

“I know, but, uh-”

“What if he gets sad?”

“Do you want dinner? I just made-”

“I wanna see Karl.”

“I don’t know if the hospital-”

Slime crossed his arms. “I wanna see Karl.”

“Okay…” Ranboo said with a defeated sigh, fully aware of how sad it was to let a three-year-old boss you around. “Let’s go see Karl.”

“Yay!”

***

“Niki, can you and Wilbur take the kids over to ski school while we talk?” Eret asked in a sharp voice.

Niki nodded, and then she and Wilbur left. Quackity was alone with Eret now. His stomach twisted. Even if he wasn’t fired, this was not a setup for a pleasant conversation. Bracing himself to be yelled at, he looked up at Eret, who had a worryingly neutral expression. “So, uh…” He started to say.

“Can we talk somewhere private?”

“Wha- Why?”

“Does your room work?”

“Uh- Sure?” He hesitantly opened the door to his room, and then followed Eret in.

“So… You and Wilbur, huh?”

‘What- what about it?”

“Are you dating?”

“I- I dunno. We haven’t really… talked about it…?”

“So you’re just having sex then?”

“We haven’t had sex.” Quackity said quickly.

“And what were you doing last night?”

He swallowed heavily. “You heard that…?”

“Niki did.”

“Oh… Well, uh- That was, uh-”

“You don’t need to explain.”

“Thank god- Okay. Cool.”

“But I do want you to think about what you’re doing. Not just for your sake, but for Wilbur’s. Are either of you ready for a relationship right now?”

“I…” He trailed off. It was a fair question. More than fair, actually. “I don’t know.” He answered honestly. “That’s something I need to talk to Wilbur about. I just…” He gave a long sigh. “I really like him. Like a lot. He makes me feel normal.”

Eret nodded. “Talk to him.” They said firmly.

“Not to- I swear I’m not trying to sound rude, but… What do you care? About me and Wilbur, I mean.”

“It’s not a boss-employee thing, if that’s what you’re thinking. It’s concern for my friend. I’m not just going to let you hurt yourself without at least trying to help out.”

“For your friend…” Quackity repeated thoughtfully.

“Now what’s this about blackmail?”

“Oh, it’s, uh- God, this is embarrassing…” He rubbed his temple. “Basically, Dream and the rest of his class were blackmailing me into not giving them tests or assignments…?”

“What the hell were they blackmailing you with?”

“They were…” His voice trailed off into a barely audible mumble. “They were threatening to tell you and their parents that they saw me doing, um… adult things with Wilbur…”

Eret blinked at him, and then started laughing.

“It’s not fucking funny!” Quackity snapped. “It’s been such a goddamn nightmare. I’ve completely lost control of that class. None of them fucking listen to me anymore, and I swear to god, every day I have to teach them brings me one step closer to the void.”

“Quackity…” At least Eret wasn’t laughing anymore.

“You don’t get how close I’ve been to fucking quitting. Like I think about it every goddamn period with them.” He sank onto the bed. “And I can’t lose this job… I can’t.”

“You could have told me.”

“I didn’t know how you’d take it… Couldn’t risk it.”

“I’m sorry you feel like you can’t talk to me.”

“It’s not- I’ve just had bad experiences with bosses not taking shit well in the past, so…”

“Understandable.” Eret said, then thought for a moment. “You said Dream was behind it?”

“He started it, and then everyone else joined in. Everyone except Fundy.”

Eret nodded. “Would you like to help me make some parent phone calls?”

“I’d love to.”

***

Ranboo took the seat in the corner, which happened to be the seat furthest from the hospital bed, and watched as Slime took a Doctor Seuss book out of his bag and sat next to Karl. He opened the book and started reading aloud, sounding out the more complicated words as he went. 

“Ranboo, what’s this one?” Slime asked.

“Can you spell it for me?”

“B-L-U-E.”

Before Ranboo could answer, a third person said, “Blue…”

At first Ranboo thought it was a nurse speaking, but the voice was too hoarse and quiet. He looked up to see Karl’s eyes were open. He was awake.

Chapter Text

Wilbur stared up the slope impatiently. He’d been filming people ski past them for the last seven minutes, and his hand was starting to ache from the cold. “Here, you take over for a bit, Tommy.” He said, offering Tommy his phone.

“What? Why?”

“Cuz I can’t feel my fingers.”

“Put your glove back on.”

“How am I supposed to do that while I’m filming?”

Tommy took the camera and turned it over, so it was filming him instead. “‘Ello future us. This just in, Wilbur is a terrible chaperone-”

“Hey!” Wilbur snatched the phone back and went back to filming the slope. “This is serious, Tommy. You shouldn’t be joking around.”

“I was being completely serious. You never should have let them make that bet!”

“Fundy needs a win, Tommy.”

“But what if he loses?”

“He won’t.”

“Look, I get that Fundy’s good and all, but I also know that Dream’s gonna play dirty. This could end up getting Fundy expelled!”

“Have a little faith, will you? I’m sure Fundy knows Dream’ll try to cheat. Plus Dream can only cheat if he can keep up.”

“You really believe in him that much?”

“Of course I do.”

Tommy was silent for a moment. “… Huh.” He said almost like he’d had an epiphany.

“What do you mean ‘huh’?”

“I dunno. Guess I just had it in my head you were a regular ol’ shitty deadbeat. It’s weird to think you actually believe in your kid and shit.”

“I’m not a deadbeat.” Wilbur snapped. “Believe me, I’ve known more than my fair share of deadbeat parents, and I always try to be there for Fundy.”

“Well you’re bad at it.”

Stung, it took Wilbur a moment to respond. “Is that what everyone thinks?” He asked quietly.

“Well I dunno about everyone,” Tommy said with a shrug, “But we were all pretty surprised when Mx. Eret said you’d be chaperoning.”

“Oh…”

“I mean you show up drunk to school functions. You punched our teacher. You’re like never around. And Phil really does most of the parenting in the house, if you think about it. Not to mention the fact that you’re a grownup who lives in his dad’s attic-”

“I get it…” Wilbur said in a quiet, resigned voice. His chest was aching. “No need to rub it in.” He couldn’t even find it in him to be angry at Tommy. Everything he’d said was true.

“Oh shit, wait- Don’t cry-”

“I’m not crying!” Wilbur said, quickly wiping his eyes just in case.

“I didn’t mean to- I mean truth hurts, but I didn’t mean to make you cry. Sorry.”

Wilbur gave a slight, shaky laugh. “That was an awful apology, and also I’m not crying. Like actually. And if I am, it’s cuz of the wind.”

Tommy was quiet for a moment. “I know you try, Wilbur. And that’s a lot more than most parents. Fundy could be way worse off with someone who didn’t actually care about him.”

Wilbur’s throat tightened. Now he actually did feel tears coming. “Thank you, Tommy.” He said, his voice strained with emotion.

“Yeah, well-” Tommy’s eyes widened. “Oh shit! There’s Fundy!” He yelled, pointing up the slope.

Despite his fairly generic black jacket, Fundy was easily identifiable because of the fox ears on his helmet. He was zipping down the slope, weaving between other skiers and snowboarders at twice their speed, and Dream and his obnoxiously bright green jacket were nowhere in sight. Wilbur and Tommy cheered as Fundy spun to a stop with a puff of snow.

“Let’s fucking go!”

“That’s my boy!”

Fundy pulled off his helmet. “Did I win?”

Wilbur looked back up the slope. “I don’t even see- No wait, there he is.” He pointed to halfway down the slope. “He’s so far behind. Absolutely no contest.”

“You’re a fucking legend, Fundy!” Tommy yelled. “That was awesome!”

Wilbur was beaming. “Told you he’d crush it.” He zoomed in on Dream, who was still a good distance away. “And there he is, a well deserved last place.”

Tommy laughed. “You hear that, Dream?” He yelled. “You suck!”

Wilbur turned the camera on Fundy. “Fundy, you’ve just won the ultimate championship race for all the marbles. How are you feeling?”

Fundy grinned. “Pretty good.”

“You did amazing, champ. I’m proud.”

Fundy nodded. “Dream tried to cheat too.” He added.

“I fucking knew it.” Tommy muttered. “What’d he do?”

“Well he tried to trip me coming off the lift, and then he started down the hill while I was still strapping in.”

Wilbur laughed. “And you still beat him fair and square.”

“You’re not even filming the slope!” He heard Dream shout from behind them.

Wilbur stopped the recording, pocketed his phone, and turned to face Dream. “Well it’s pretty clear you lost by a good margin.”

“That's not- It wasn't fair!”

“Oh, you mean the fact that you tried to cheat?” 

“I did not! Fundy- He had a head start! He took a shortcut! I’m telling you, it wasn’t fair!”

“So what?” Fundy asked. “You want a rematch?”

“N-no- You’ll just cheat again! This is bullshit. I don’t wanna race you anymore.”

Tommy, who’d been surprisingly quiet this whole time, chimed in. “So what you’re saying is you can’t beat him.”

“Shut up, Tommy! I- I’m just saying I don’t wanna race!” 

Tommy laughed. “Scared you’ll get your ass beat again?” He asked. 

“Remember you have to tell everyone I beat you.” Fundy reminded him.

Dream shook his head adamantly. “No way. That- that’s bullshit- I’m not gonna- There’s no way I’m telling anyone you beat me.”

“I’ll tell them.” Tommy threatened. “And I’ll tell them you were too much of a pussy to admit you lost. Wilbur has fucking video evidence, idiot.”

Dream gritted his teeth with a glare that would have been intimidating if he weren’t a child. “Fine.” He muttered. “But you’re gonna regret this.”

Wilbur couldn’t help but laugh at that. “You’re twelve. What are you gonna do? Tell your mum?”

Dream started to turn red, though Wilbur couldn’t tell if it was out of embarrassment or anger. He didn’t really care either way. Dream was a literal child. What was the worst he could do?

Chapter Text

Wilbur was so busy watching the whole class interrogate Dream about how he could have possibly lost to Fundy—their general reaction had been utter shock when Tommy first forced him to admit it—that he didn’t even notice Quackity approach.

“Hey…” Quackity said quietly. “Can, uh- can we talk?”

Wilbur’s stomach immediately twisted. “Um, sure?” He answered, trying not to sound nervous. “What’s up?”

“Privately?”

“What’s wrong?” His mind was racing with a million uncertainties and reasons why Quackity would want to talk privately, and none of them were good.

“Nothing, I just-”

“Is it me? Did I do something? Are you-”

“Wilbur, Wilbur, it’s not something bad.” 

“… It’s not?”

“Well, I don’t think so.”

“But-”

“Just come over here.” Quackity said, taking him by the hand and pulling him away from the group. 

“Are you sure it’s not-”

“I’ve been thinking a lot about stuff… and us.” Quackity started in a soft voice. 

Wilbur’s stomach twisted even more. “It’s fine. You don’t have to- I mean I get it. I’m not exactly-”

“What are you talking about?”

“You were gonna say you don’t want to be involved with a noob like me, right?”

Quackity blinked at him for a moment, dumbfounded. “Actually, I was going to ask you to be my boyfriend, but-”

“You- You what?”

“Like officially.”

Now it was Wilbur’s turn to be dumbfounded. He’d been so ready for Quackity to decide he didn’t want to be with him that he had no idea how to react to this. So instead of saying something, he just stood there with his mouth hanging open like a total moron. 

“Wilbur?” 

“Uh…” He swallowed heavily. “Sorry, could- could you repeat that? I don’t think I…”

“I want you to be my boyfriend.” Quackity said slowly. “Officially. No more secretly making out on backstreets. No more ‘just friends’. I want to be with you for real.”

“You’re being serious?”

“Is this something I’d joke about?”

“No…?”

“Then yeah,” Quackity took both of Wilbur’s hands in his, “I mean it.”

Before Wilbur could answer, both their phones started blaring with a loud alert. Wilbur checked his to see the words ‘WINTER STORM WARNING’ in bolded red. “Huh… Guess we’re in for a blizzard?” Wilbur said quietly.

“Yeah. Cool.” He said dismissively. “Could you answer my, uh- my… proposition?”

“Proposition?” Wilbur asked.

“Shut up. I couldn’t think of- I mean what would you call it?”

“A proposal?”

“That’s something else.”

“Well-” Wilbur stopped himself. Somehow, the meaning of Quackity’s words had just hit him. Boyfriend. It sounded so official. So real. A few months ago, he’d been a straight divorcee, and now… He started to blush as he thought about certain, very not-straight things he’d done as of late. He hadn’t really had a chance to reflect on any of this, but now it all felt very sudden. Was he really ready for this?

“Wilbur?” Quackity asked in a concerned voice. “Earth to Wilbur, anyone there?”

“Oh, uh- Sorry, I was just- I mean I don’t- Sorry, this is a lot. I think I’m gonna sit down for a second.” He glanced around and moved to the nearest sit-able surface, the stairs, and sank down onto the third step. 

“Are you okay?”

“Slight existential crisis. I’ll be fine in a sec.” He said, waving Quackity away.

Instead of leaving, Quackity sat next to him. “You wanna talk about it?”

He was quiet for a moment, organizing his thoughts. “I just… Four months ago, I’d never even wondered if I was gay, you know? And now… I dunno. It’s all happening so fast.”

“Then we’ll slow down. I can go at whatever speed you want.”

Wilbur bit his lip. “Why are you so patient with me?”

“What do you mean?”

“I know I’d’ve got tired of my bullshit by now.”

“I like you, Wilbur. A lot. You’re the kind of guy who’s worth waiting for.”

“You won’t get bored with me?”

“I won’t.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to make you… I mean if you want more, I can-”

Quackity sighed. “Can I tell you a story?”

“… Sure?”

“So my first dating experience was in high school. It was with an older guy who had a lot more experience, and I felt like there was a lot of… pressure. I mean my idiot ass felt really cool being a sophomore dating a senior. He was rich and popular. Student body president too… Basically he always got whatever he wanted. No one could say no to him… Even me.”

Wilbur furrowed his eyebrows. “You mean…?”

“Yeah. The short of it is he pushed me into a lot of stuff I wasn’t ready for. Some of it I’m still not totally over…” He took a slow, deep breath. “So yeah, we go as slow as you want. If anything makes you remotely uncomfortable, you just say so, and we’ll stop right away. Got it?”

Wilbur nodded. “I’m sorry that happened to you.”

“It’s fine. It’s in the past.”

“Well… Thank you. For being patient, I mean. It means a lot.”

“You really worry about me getting bored of you?”

“Kinda…? I mean I’m just so new to it all, and I don’t- I mean don’t you-” His voice fell to barely audible. “Don’t you miss having sex and stuff…?”

Quackity burst into laughter and quickly covered his mouth. “Sorry, sorry. Not laughing at you.” He explained as he laughed. “It’s just- Well, if I were in the dating game just for sex, you are not the kind of person I’d go for.”

Wilbur laughed. “Fair enough.”

“I like everything about you, Wilbur. Well, almost everything. At least enough that I want you around for more than sex.”

“Thanks.” Wilbur could feel himself start to blush. “I like you too.”

“I should hope so, considering you had my dick in your mouth last night.”

Wilbur’s eyes widened. He was definitely red now. “Quackity!”

Quackity laughed again. “Just saying.”

“I take it all back. I hate you.”

Quackity pouted, but before he could say anything, Niki came up to them. “What’s wrong?” He asked her. She looked worried.

“Have you two seen Fundy or Dream? They’re not with the rest of the class.”

Wilbur stood quickly and scanned the room. No sign of Fundy. “Have you checked his room?” He asked anxiously. 

“Not yet, but he’s not in the lobby or cafeteria.”

“I’ll check.” He said, turning to sprint up the stairs. He threw open the door to Fundy’s room to find it empty. Dream’s was empty too. As were the rest of the rooms. He checked the other hallways one last time, still empty, then hurried back downstairs. “He’s not there.” He told Niki. “Neither of them are.”

“Have you called them? They should have their phones-”

Quackity shook his head. “There’s no service. The blizzard must have knocked it out.”

“Shit…” Wilbur ran his fingers through his hair. “Do you think they could have gone outside?”

They all looked out the window. The snow was coming down so fast and thick they couldn’t even see the road, and the tree out front was bent sideways from the wind.

“I hope not…” Quackity muttered.

Chapter Text

The rest of the class was already in the lodge when Tommy, Fundy, and Dream came in. Fundy’s dad had made them head back when they started closing ski lifts because of the wind. Apparently Miss Niki had made that call a while ago for everyone else. Fundy looked at Tommy, and they both grinned and nodded. 

“Hey guys!” Tommy said loudly. “Dream has something to tell you!”

Dream groaned as everyone came over curiously. 

“Go ahead, Dream. Tell them.”

“Do I have to?”

“Tell them, or I get Wilbur to show them the video.”

“Tell us what?” Eryn asked.

“Dream got fucking obliterated by Fundy in their race. Isn’t that right, Dream?”

“Yeah…”

“It was the most amazing thing! Me and Wilbur were waiting at the bottom, and Fundy comes flying down, and we don’t even see Dream until like five minutes later. It was beautiful.”

“ And Dream tried to cheat.” Fundy added. “He tripped me up and got a head start, and I still beat him.”

George was the first to get over his shock enough to say something. “Seriously?” He asked with a slight laugh.

Dream glared. “Shut up, George. Yeah, he beat me. So what?”

“But on the way up here, you wouldn’t stop bragging about how cracked you are at skiing. Like you would not shut up. How did Fundy of all people beat you?”

Foolish laughed. “Yeah, he has a point. You convinced mom to sign that ‘no ski school’ waiver for you cuz you’re so good, and Fundy beat you by five minutes.”

“More like eight.” Tommy corrected. “It was a really long time. We have a video of Fundy leaving him in the dust if you-”

“They don’t need to see the video.” Dream snapped. “Fundy won the race. I think me saying that is more than enough.”

“Don’t be a sore loser, Dream.” Tommy told him. “Not all of us can be as cracked as Fundy. Y’know I bet he’s better than you at a ton of stuff, not just racing. Maybe you’re just not as good as you think you are.”

“Yeah!” Fundy agreed. “Maybe you’re not good at all, and you’re actually just popular for no reason, and no one actually likes you.”

Everyone fell silent. They glanced at each other, like they weren’t sure of what to say, which really made Fundy feel like what he’d said was true. Finally, Purpled shrugged. “I mean he has a point. People are just afraid Dream’ll stir up drama.” He said matter-of-factly.

Foolish and Tubbo nodded.