Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I was never one for arriving early, especially in high school. My sister and I were terrible at keeping up with schedules, and so, everything always went wrong. We missed exams at least twice every month, and always ended up getting yelled at by our teachers.

I started learning how to behave when I got to college. My sister didn’t, and kept arriving late now that she could (no one yells at you in college). But I remember being late on that particular day. I wasn’t the biggest fan of human-body art class, and so I wasn’t really nervous when I saw on my watch that I was at least five minutes late.

When I got there everyone was already sitting down, but the teacher wasn’t anywhere to be seen. Good. I looked around looking for a place to sit, and there wasn’t any. After staring around for ten seconds I saw it. That single chair near the teacher’s desk. That place was known as where either the really interested or really blind kids sat, and I really didn’t want to be seen as any of those.

There was no way that was the only chair, I thought as I looked around. But yeah, I was doomed to sit next to the teacher. I sighed, grabbing my notebook from my backpack and walking towards my chair.

That was a terrible place, wow, I hated it. There was nothing more embarrassing than being the kid on the front seat, even in fucking college. I had to suck it up though, because when the teacher came in, she looked straight at me, and I accepted that those looks would keep coming towards me during the whole class. I couldn’t do anything about it.

“Good morning, class,” she began. Ugh. I really didn’t have to think that it was still the morning. Human-body class was bad because of that: there weren’t any available classes in the afternoon or in the evening. And of course it wasn’t an optional class. It seemed that all artists had to have the ability to draw human beings, even though some of us didn’t like that.

It was annoying, to say the least. Having to reproduce things we had in our body, into art. I remember the first time I drew a heart, and God, was it weird. Knowing that that thing I had drawn was right inside me, pumping blood to my whole body. So gross.

I liked drawing eyes though. They were easy, and also the first thing we learn to do in every kind of art class. Eyes are deep and all different and you can really use your imagination with it. That was cool.

I had blue eyes, but I could draw eyes of any color. Even purple, which some albino people had, even red or white. I could draw eyes of a dead person, eyes with weird veins around them. I could draw my father’s eyes and call that a portrait, and that is what was cool about eyes.

On that particular day, though, I wouldn’t be able to use my creativity much. The teacher said she was bringing a model for us to draw, someone whose expressions we’d have to copy and at whom we’d have to awkwardly stare. I wasn’t excited in the slightest for it. I really would rather just keep modeling for myself, taking photos of my own hands and such. That would be so much more difficult, and of course: boring. It would be a real human being that I would be copying. Who would want to do that?

“Good morning,” the rest of the class and I said back to the teacher. She put her material on the desk (so close to mine) and then pointed to the floor, where an “X” was drawn. She grabbed a chair and pushed it to the X, starting to explain how things would happen.

“So our model is going to sit on this chair, and today’s expression is ‘neutral’. It’s how we always start”. I nodded, looking at my blank page on my notebook and writing the word “neutral” on top. “Just to make sure you only get his physical expression, you’re going to know basically nothing about him. All that is important is he is a male model and he has posed for many of my classes before”.

Okay, I could do that. At least the guy was experienced. Maybe he was a really easy person to draw, like one with basically no expressions, someone with a straight jawline and arms without tattoos to detail. Maybe I’d be able to stand that class.

Then he walked in. I wish I could tell you what exactly happened in my head when I saw the model for the first time. But I couldn’t. The thoughts were too many to handle, too weird and going over one another, to even believe that was my own head. I tried to shut my head up and just notice things about that guy, because I was about to draw him.

The first thing I noticed was his height. He was average, maybe 5’7 or something. He was not the tallest and not the broadest of guys, so I imagined he wasn’t a shirts-off kind of model. Not that that mattered. I also saw that he was blond, almost immediately. His hair was almost white from how blond it was, and it was straight to the left side with spikes on the back. That hair would be hard to draw, because it was almost too perfect.

His legs were long, and his arms were dainty, and I could see his smile at the teacher, white and straight. There wasn’t much I wouldn’t do to have perfect teeth like that, but I guessed I couldn’t compare myself to a literal model. That man was a lot , he was stunning in every way, like the kind of guy I would look at twice on the streets. Or maybe even three times.

“Wow” is what I thought. “Wow” is all I kept thinking until the moment he waved his hand to the whole class and sat down at the chair. The teacher was saying things but I couldn’t really pay attention, because the most attractive man I had seen in a long time was right there, less than two feet away from me, on top of that X on the floor and breathing the same air that I was breathing. What else could I say about it? That model was gorgeous.

He didn’t say his name, but I assumed it was something cool and beautiful. It had to be. It sucked, the teacher’s idea of us not knowing the model so that we couldn’t make assumptions about him and turn them into details in our drawings. It was art after all, we could do whatever we wanted. “Hey,” I wanted to say, raising my hand for the whole class to see and everything. “Please tell us your name, and maybe your favorite color and your address. I’d love to know”. And God, I would. That model was a man I’d highly wish was gay if I met him in other circumstances, and he didn’t look like the most heterosexual of people. He wore black pants like most people and a white shirt but he also wore about four rings in his hands (none on his ring fingers) and that could maybe be a stereotypical sign of him liking men.

I shook my head. What was I thinking? I had to pay attention to the teacher. But I already made a plan in my mind. Once that class was over, I would quickly go up to that man and ask for his number. It was too good of a chance for me to waste it. Even if it could go very wrong and awkward, I had to try. 

“You’re all ready?” the teacher asked suddenly. It wasn’t so sudden, but to someone who wasn’t paying any attention and who had his eyes on the pretty man, it was very out of the blue. “Then you can turn to John Egbert right there, and you all can start drawing”.

My heart started shaking, afraid from her having said my name. What? She was asking him to turn to me? Out of everyone, and everywhere in that classroom, he had to turn to me?

I guess that made sense, because I was in the first chair to the left after all, the chair where no one was meant to sit at, only if they were stupid. But still, it couldn’t be true. I couldn’t have that man staring anywhere near me while I drew, there was no way I’d be able to focus. Oh shit, was that really happening? It really wasn’t a dream? Fuck. The model turned his head to me and started posing, resting both his hands on his legs and crossing them slowly. He stared right into my eyes and maintained that “neutral expression” the teacher said he would have.

That… was very neutral, I had to give it to him. I know I wouldn’t be able to stay with such an expression for more than even two minutes, so how would he spend hours like that? I made a mental note that models were really good actors too, or at least they could pretend to be. I stared down, looking at my blank notebook, not being able to look up, not being even able to move.

Fuck. My plans were ruined. I couldn’t stare at that man’s eyes for so long. And what if I finished the drawing early? Then I’d have to leave and wouldn’t be able to talk to him about his number. I guessed that was God’s way to tell me that it was a really bad idea, and so I just decided to start drawing. That is what I was there for, and not a sudden crush on another unreachable man.

I guess I always had those. Crushes on men that were too much older, crushes on men that would never even cross eyes with me. It was weird, being a gay man in the middle of the United States, there wasn’t much we could do but fall for random people that would never fall back, and I was a master at that.

Phew. I sighed. I had to start with that. I looked up and yeah, he was staring at me. And he would keep looking in that direction for the whole duration of that class. Maybe he was even zoning out and not paying any attention to me, but it was still so intimidating, having eyes like that on me. That was when I noticed the color of his eyes, light brown with a tint of dark brown in the middle. They were really beautiful, as was the rest of his face. The model had a really undecipherable expression. It wouldn’t be easy to draw eyes like that and an expression I couldn’t read.

Okay. I took my pencil to my paper, looking up at him for the third time and then down. I decided to start from the hair, which was where I always began. I drew a line, trying to make sure I wouldn’t fuck it up because the man would be able to see me using my eraser. Shit, I hadn’t thought about that yet. I continued the line, going up and down and left and right and drawing that hair that was in a really good angle from where I was standing. In fact, I had the best angle of all. I had the front of his face, where his eyes were straight and round (and wow, he had really round eyes), where his mouth wasn’t in an awkward position and where it was old news where each feature was. I imagined how hard it was for the guy on the right side of the room to draw the model from the back, the back part of the hair always being the most complicated. But again, there was a lack of facial features from the back. I guess that counted for something.

Every time I looked up I could feel his sight over me. I tried to distract myself, and I could do it because I thankfully wasn’t drawing his eyes yet. I stared at his hair for the longest time, trying to decode exactly how I would draw the connection of it to his forehead, and then started drawing his face.

His bone structure was amazing, as you can imagine the bone structure of a model would be. He had high cheekbones and really, that thing I had said about the straight jawline was all present on him. That chin could also cut cheese if you tried, and he looked like a very skinny guy from just looking at his face. I could see in his body, of course, that he was actually really fit, and so it was just an optical illusion, one that I could clearly include in my drawing.

After about two minutes, I had the form of his face and his hair completely done. I was trying really hard not to have to erase anything and to do a good job straight on the first time, but I wasn’t the best artist in the world. I decided I’d save his facial features for last, just so I could look at the other parts of his body that were further away from his eyes. It had gotten too embarrassing already.

I drew that man in complete silence for minutes on end. After a while I got used to it, it wasn’t so weird after all. He was just doing his job, and I was just doing mine. It didn’t matter that he was looking straight into me, there were at least thirty more people in that room, looking at the same person and drawing them onto a blank page, if it was awkward for me it had to be for them too. And so I calmed down. I drew the rest of my drawing in the slowest way I could, not nervous at all finally. Then it came the time when I was almost completely finished. All I had to do was detail his face.

“Hey, you can do this,” I thought to myself. It was okay now, I had looked at him for a long time. I stared at him, back to his eyes this time, and God, he was still looking at me. How did he not get tired of that position and that stance? Anyway, I tried to get a good look so I wouldn’t have to look over a thousand times, and then I began. The circle that were his eyes fit perfectly on the facial structure I had drawn, and so I didn’t have to erase anything. I used the side of the pencil to give shadow to those light brown eyes, because there definitely really was some dark brown there, I wasn’t crazy.

I finished his eyes and there!, my drawing was looking amazing. The eyes on the paper were staring right into my soul, just how I wanted it to be and just how that model was doing. I looked back at him to draw the nose, and saw the very funky way it sat on his face, and then drew it. I noticed he had some beauty spots on top of it and his cheeks, and then lightly drew those too. And then I went to draw his mouth.

That was a good mouth, it definitely looked good to kiss. His lips were thin and pale pink, and really easy to draw. With one and then two lines, I finished it, and so didn’t have to stare at the guy anymore. With the last couple of details, I was done. And so I heard the teacher call.

“Time’s up”. Wow. Close call. I was really glad I hadn’t finished faster than other people, and also glad I hadn’t taken longer than I could. The model moved for the first time in hours, and some people behind me whined about how fast time had passed.

I was completely done, and right on time. I handed my piece to my teacher and she complimented it, looking at the model and then back at my drawing, then smiling at me and saying that I had a bright future. She told the class they’d have another chance to finish drawing the guy on the next day, and so let us leave to go home, or for the unlucky few, go to the next class. I couldn’t waste any time, I had to talk to the guy. When I looked at him he was already talking to other people, and so I waited with the teacher, looking at other students’ drawings and silently judging them. When the guy was finally alone, I ran towards him, in a way that wouldn’t seem awkward but also wouldn’t seem really normal. I was desperate after all. I couldn’t throw away my shot at speaking with a guy like that.

I got close to him, noticing he really was about the height I thought he was. He looked amazing from up close, I could barely believe it. He turned to me, shooting a polite smile, and I began.

“Hey”.

“Hey”, what a fucking terrible thing to say. What was I thinking? That I was talking to an average-looking guy on fucking Tinder? No, that was a model who was in front of me. I had to do better than that. “Hey,” he said back, still with that polite smile on his face, that one without his perfect teeth. It was humble of him to have teeth like that and choose not to show them. If I had a beauty anywhere near his I would use it for everything I could use it for.

“Hey”. He had said “hey” back. And now I had to continue the conversation. Fortunately I was pretty good at making up conversation with random men, so I knew what to say.

But actually, maybe that was not a good thing. Whoops.

“I wanted to apologize. For staring at you,” I said. He nodded his head, and then shook it.

“Hey, that was like, your job. It’s okay”.

And then he shot me a smile. I didn’t know how to explain what that smile was, but it was not human. It couldn’t be. There was something about that smile that just didn’t seem possible. There was something there that was unexplainable.

“I know,” I smiled back at him, trying to make my crooked teeth as interesting and charming as possible. “But, I don’t know. I just wanna make sure it was okay. Must be pretty awkward modeling for a class, huh?”

He giggled. “Not really. I’d say it can get weird, like when I really have to move but can’t ‘cause otherwise everyone will scream at me. Things like that”.

“Oh shit, did that happen today?” and he nodded, that smile growing and growing. “I’m so sorry. I promise I wouldn’t have yelled if you had moved”.

“Oh, but you’re so nice”. And then he stopped for a second, looked up, and then back at me. “John Egbert, isn’t it?”

At first I was scared, and then I remembered the teacher had said it to him when he arrived. Wow, the fact he had remembered was pretty cool. And weird. It was weird that he knew my name.

“Yeah, it is. And you’re…”

“Dirk,” he said. “Ah”. “Dirk Strider”.

Dirk Strider. I had never heard that last name before. But again, I’d also never heard Egbert anywhere else except in my own family. Maybe it meant something that we both had rare surnames. Or maybe I was desperate to go out with that cute boy and have a cute story where the two lovers met at art class. That was the dream.

“That’s… a very model name,” I joked. He seemed to not really enjoy my joke, as he just furrowed his eyebrows and tilted his head to the left. Shit. “I mean… It just seems like an artistic name. I don’t know”.

“Oh,” he replied. “But you’re the artist here, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, I guess…”

Was he… Nah, he couldn’t be.

“But anyway. Hm…”

“Hm indeed”.

Dirk was still smiling. He had stopped for a second when it was the time to be confused and furrow his eyebrows, but there he was, smiling again. It was strange to see him show expressions after being neutral for so long, but also really good. I had seen both sides of him. His working side, and the real and smiley side. I felt pretty privileged about that.

And speaking of privilege, I grabbed my notebook that was inside my pocket, and opened it to the page where I had drawn him. I turned the page to him and he stared at it intensely. I was scared about criticism, especially from attractive men, but I also wanted to bring conversation topics to ourselves. He seemed to not be bothered by the drawing.

“Wow. You really are an artist,” he said. I nodded, thanking him and being genuine about it. I really liked it when people complimented my work. It was my biggest dream to be a known artist, and that was a good start. “I’d say you made me look better than I actually look but you drew me exactly how I am. Congratulations”.

“There’s no way anyone can make you look any better,” I attempted, not really scared of what he’d say.

“Thanks,” he said. “I get that a lot”.

“Yeah, as you should, to be honest”. And then, I just didn’t know what else to say. So I just blurted out: “hey, Dirk, wanna go out with me sometime?”

Shit. Not even a “can I get your number?” or a “how do you feel about becoming friends?” I had straight-up asked the guy to go out with me, not “hang out” but “go out”. Was I dumb? Was I the stupidest motherfucker alive? Maybe I was? I wanted to reset those last ten seconds just so I wouldn’t ask that, but it had already been done. All the damage was there, unfolding in front of me, and all I could really do was wait for his answer.

I couldn’t believe it when he said “sure”. Sure? Had I heard that right? Had that model just said “sure” about going out with me? Right in front of my eyes and not over some type of digital communication? Was I dreaming?, I thought again. But no. I had already tested it and was pretty much awake and alive. All of that was true.

I could feel my eyes going wide, as if I was the one meant to be surprised. Dirk stayed there with his expression and his light smile, and I was there looking like an idiot. “Really?” I asked just to be sure. “Yeah!” he said. “It’ll be fun”.

Oh, okay. So he hadn’t understood it. He thought I meant “go out” as in “hang out”, which made more sense.

“No,” I began, already cringing at everything I’d say. “I mean like… I’m interested in you. And such”.

“I know”. He knew? “I got that”.

“Interested like… in a gay way. Get it?”

Dirk chuckled, smiling wider once again. “I get it, John. My answer remains the same”.

Woah woah woah woah woah. Was that really happening? He had to be making fun of me, or there had to be cameras around. Even with my awkward explanation he was saying yes? Well. I guess I couldn’t complain. That is what I wanted after all. Would it be better if he had said no?

Nah, but it would’ve been less confusing.

“Oh,” my mouth said by itself. “Then. Cool. Really?”

“Really,” he nodded.

“Then… Oh. Shit. Sorry”.

“It’s okay, John,” and he giggled again, as if he was used to people acting like that around him. And he probably was. “Want to go now? I’m free for the whole day”.

“Oh. No, I can’t. I have like, a lot of classes. I finish at five P.M. though. Is that okay?”

“Sure. Wanna write down my number and we can talk about where to meet”.

“Oh my God, sure. I’m… sorry. I didn’t know you’d say yes. Sorry again”.

“Hey, stop treating me like I’m a celebrity, okay?” and I nodded. “I’m just Dirk”.

“Just Dirk”. Just a really hot and now interesting guy. “Okay”.

Dirk then smiled again, right at me this time. I smiled back, trying to recompose myself as he gave me my notebook back.

Oh shit. I had just made impulsive plans to go on a date with a really impulsive guy.

How was I not dreaming?

During the rest of the classes I had on that day, Dirk and I went texting one another. He told me about how he had met my teacher, and about some gossip that I would’ve otherwise never heard about her. He went on and on about how good my art was and that he had been wanting to get his roommate (who was also a model) to model for art classes too. I told him stupid things like what my favorite movies were and what I liked to eat, because I wasn’t an interesting model guy like he was. When he told me he liked my wavy hair, I joked that it was the only exquisite thing about me, to which he got angry about.

“Yo, don’t say that? You’re literally an artist. You make things come to life. That is a superpower”.

“It is?” I asked back, in the message below.

“Yes. Don’t ever think you’re below anyone. I have a cool job, sure, but most of what I do is look hot and have people take pictures. You can create worlds just with your right hand”.

And then I looked up, to the board of the class I was not paying any attention to, and realized that he was right.

He was so right.

When the time came to leave the university, my heart started beating really fast. I felt like a teenager all over again, going to school to see my crush in the classroom above, or that really attractive science teacher. After speaking to Dirk for the whole afternoon, I felt like we were close friends, friends that just needed a little bit of alcohol to start hitting on one another. I wondered how he felt about me, even if I had met him just some hours earlier, I wondered if he thought I was handsome and interesting too. Some of the things he had said on text were just so nice, things I wouldn’t expect to hear from a model. When he told me about the things he liked to do and the people he liked to please, I realized I was not wrong about taking the chance to talk to that guy. He was beautiful not only on the outside but also on the inside.

But hey. He was a stranger. No matter if my teacher knew him or if I had talked to him on the phone, he was still a complete stranger. What was I doing meeting him on the streets. While thinking of that, I texted him where we would meet, choosing a very public location, the nearest ice cream store I could think of. Maybe it was cheesy, but it was also nice. And again, very public. If that man was just a really attractive killer then I had to be safe.

He arrived about ten minutes later than I did. The store was much closer to the university I was in than to the place he was at, wherever that might be. I saw his blond hair from afar, not believing that it was coming towards me. I heavily regretted the really boring clothes I was wearing, even though he also was wearing the most basic of outfits. I greeted him.

“Thought you’d bail on me,” I joked. But maybe it wasn’t such a joke. Was it that hard for a really interesting person to bail on an average college artist? 

“Why would I do that, mister Con Air?” he joked back. And shit, why had I told him I liked that movie?

“Ah, so this joke is gonna be a thing”.

“Of course it’s gonna be a thing. How can your favorite movie also be the worst movie in the world?”

“You’re the worst movie in the world”. And he giggled, ah, yes, I had missed that from that morning. “And nah, you can’t have an opinion. You’ve never even seen Tangled”.

“I’m sorry I don’t watch kid movies”. And I opened my mouth wide, pretending to be mad at him”. “You ever seen Inglourious Basterds? Now that’s a movie”.

And then after I explained that kid movies were much better than Tarantino movies (and made Dirk laugh), we finally started walking inside the store. I looked around, seeing all the types of ice cream they had, from Ferrero chocolate to the weirdest kind of cheese. I stared at Dirk, who was messing with the spoons on the “free sample” desk, trying to see what he would order, and then I remembered.

“Ah, shit. You’re a model. Are you allowed to have ice cream?”

“Technically no? I don’t know”. And then he grabbed a spoon with a lot of vanilla ice cream on it. “Rules are different when you’re a guy and you’re a girl”.

“First date and we’re talking about the misogyny of the modeling world?” I joked. “How do our conversations just shift like that?”

“I don’t know,” he chuckled. “But like, yeah, I can have ice cream. Most girl-models are not allowed to. But they’ve never directly told me I can’t eat sweets”.

Then, without any warning, he put the spoon with ice cream inside his mouth, smirking at me while doing so. I shot him an awkward smile, one that was really clearly forced, because I wanted to pretend I could stand how attractive that guy was, even when eating. And so I sighed, going to grab my ice cream.

“Mint?” he asked. “Do you have bad taste at everything?”

“Hey now,” I called him out. Dirk started laughing at my tone, and his laugh was everything. “What? What flavor are you picking?”

“Strawberry. Like a normal person”.

I saw his pink-colored ice cream with three balls and nodded. Strawberry was a good choice. Mint was the superior one but still. I couldn’t blame the guy, no one was perfect after all.

Dirk and I walked outside again and sat on one of the tables, the only one which had only two chairs. He started eating straight away, taking the spoon to his mouth with his left hand (that was when I realized he was left handed). I took a little longer to start eating, because I wanted to ask him questions, and so I did. I started talking and talking and he was surprisingly talking back and I still couldn’t believe that was a normal day in the Egbert life and that I wasn’t dreaming. Dirk was a delightful guy and he seemed to be into me as much as I thought I was into him. Wow. Everything really was going okay.

There was nothing that could make that afternoon strange. Our conversation was flowing perfectly, our eyes meeting for most of the time. Dirk was talking about how much he liked ice cream and so, what could go wrong?

Oh, right, my head’s idea that everything was going wrong. I decided to try shutting my brain up by talking to Dirk. Communication was always the solution, wasn’t it? Even when two people had just met, it was the only way to solve any problems.

“Dirk,” I called. “I have a question”.

“Hm,” he said with his spoon in his mouth.

“Is this… Is this awkward?”

Dirk seemed to not have been expecting the question. He chuckled, and then started smiling, and then took the spoon out of his mouth, carefully shrugging. “I don’t know. Not for me. Are you feeling awkward?”

“Not really. I just… I don’t know, I’m a student who asked you out just ‘cause you were really attractive. That’s the truth. Isn’t that awkward?”

He shook his head, snickering. “I don’t know, I thought it was pretty brave. I’m a single guy being asked out by a really hot guy, that’s what I’m thinking. It depends on where you look, I guess”.

He had called me hot. Okay, I could handle that. It was obvious that I was a really attractive person, but attractive enough for him? I guess he wouldn’t have gone out with me if he didn’t think I was hot but really? Okay, okay, that wasn’t the point.

“Oh. Then I guess that’s okay”. I shot him a big smile, one bigger than all the others. I was happy. That was a happy day. Making a guy laugh always made me glad, and I had done that multiple times with Dirk. If he didn’t think it was weird, why did it have to be? “Hey. Can I draw you?”

He glared at me. “Again?” I nodded. “S-Sure. How?”

I looked around, trying to think. From about seven feet, I saw a bench. The sun was setting so there was a really nice view behind it. I pointed towards it, and Dirk shrugged. And then we both walked there, leaving our empty ice creams on the table for someone to pick up. We arrived at the bench and I positioned Dirk on it, while I sat on the ground and tried to get a good angle of where the sun would be for most of the time.

“Get my good side,” Dirk said, while turning his head to the left and then to the right and then to the left again. “Just kidding. I don’t really have a bad side”.

I chuckled, finally grabbing my pencil and notebook inside my backpack. I pointed my thumb at where Dirk, doing that stupid thing artists did before drawing sometimes. Dirk giggled, and I remembered his last name. Strider. That was a good name for a portrait of him in front of the sun.

I started drawing, without any fear this time. I didn’t ask Dirk to do anything, I didn’t decide a position for him or tell him to smile, I just wanted him to do whatever came to his brain. And I made it very clear that he could move whenever he wanted to. Of course he took advantage of that, and jokingly moved more than he should have. I didn’t get angry because that man was charming even when being annoying.

I drew him for minutes on end. I made sure to enjoy the moment, including even the smallest details on his shirt and arms into the portrait, because I really didn’t want that moment to end. When I drew Dirk in the morning, I was sharing him with a lot of people. But right there, it was just him and me. Everything he was doing was for me, and nobody else. That made it very personal and intimate. And I liked it.

I weirdly liked it a lot. 

Dirk seemed to be into the moment too, because he kept making jokes, he kept smiling, and he kept repeating how much he thought I was attractive, just to try throwing me off from the drawing (spoiler alert: he successfully did it). And then, when it was maybe six-thirty, I finished it. My final piece.

I showed it to Dirk. “Wow, WOW. That’s beautiful,” he said.

I was glad. I liked it too. But honestly, it didn’t even matter if the final result was good or not, I had enjoyed having Dirk pose for me, and also having become friends with him over the period of one afternoon and a silent morning.

“Thanks!” I said. “I’m not the best at receiving compliments, to be honest, I have no idea what to say”.

“Yeah, I noticed that when I said your eyes were pretty,” he joked. I could feel my cheeks burn. “I’m kidding! I mean, I’m not, your eyes really are pretty”.

“Thanks,” I laughed, and he laughed along. “I kinda suck at this first date stuff”.

“I noticed that too. You know why?”

“Why?” I asked, nervous.

“You had mint ice cream”.

Relieved, I laughed. I could stand that man making fun of my food choices if it was in a funny way. I had to give it to him, he was pretty cool.

“Hey. I’m sitting on the floor and you’re talking about my mint ice cream. Really, Dirk Strider?”

“You being on the floor is my fault, to be honest”. He waved his fingers to call me up to the bench. “Come on. Sorry I didn’t invite you earlier”.

“You don’t own the bench,” I said, standing up and then sitting next to him. He put his legs on top of mine.

“How do you know? Bench Strider right here”. I smiled. “Only cool people are allowed to sit on it”.

“Does everyone need to be as cool as you?”

“Nah, that’s impossible”. I nodded, a smile still on my face. “But you know, close to how cool I am”.

And then, without warning, the conversation ended. There was nothing left to be said, and I didn’t know enough about Dirk ( Strider ) to say anything else. I was done for. That was the moment he would decide to leave me, going back to his cool and interesting model-life and then seeing me on the next day for an awkward session of me drawing him along with the rest of my classroom. Shit, I hadn’t been expecting that to happen so soon.

But I accepted it, I turned to face whatever was in front of me, as he still had his legs on top of mine, like a teenager badly sat on a school chair. He still was charming even when he was silent, and his leg was bouncing on top of mine like he was anxious. I didn’t know or expect anything to happen but then it did, and Dirk held my face and quickly pulled me into a kiss.

I couldn’t process it at first. A kiss? I was kissing him? But how? How so fast? I didn’t know, but it was definitely happening. And I wasn’t there to complain. He held onto my face like that wasn’t a joke and so I kissed back without fear. He moved his tongue towards my mouth and so I allowed it to enter and fight with mine. Dirk’s kiss was sweet and hot at the same time, and it was unbelievable that he had been wanting to do the same thing that I had been wanting to.

He kissed me like he was desperate, which was something I thought I was. His lips were working extremely well with mine, and that day was only getting better.

We finished kissing and pulled away, staring at each other in the eyes instead. He closed his eyes and went in for another kiss, and I accepted it for obvious reasons. We kissed again for more than five minutes and then finally, we stopped.

I stared at him, confused. Confused and glad.

“Wow,” he said. “Wow”? That’s what he had to say?

“Dirk?” I asked.

“What?” he asked back, a slightly sarcastic tone to his voice. “Told you I knew what you meant by ‘going out’”.

And so I laughed. I laughed and then made out with him for the rest of the afternoon. There was nothing else I wanted to do.

Chapter Text

Five days after we met, I arrived at his house at four P.M., and he let me inside. Everything was really well-decorated. The walls were mostly white but partially yellow, and there were a lot of posters of indie bands I had never even heard of. The first thing that caught my attention was a picture of Dirk in the middle of a concert, that seemed to have been taken by a polaroid and was hanging on one of the walls. I asked him about it.

“Oh, that was when I went to see my favorite band. Their name is Set It Off”.

“Never heard of them,” I replied.

“You’ve never heard of any music. I stalked your Spotify and it’s embarrassing”.

“Hey, it’s not embarrassing,” but I couldn’t even lie. It was embarrassing. It was full of country artists that my sister listened to, and children's music that made me calm whenever I got too anxious. Sharing a Spotify was probably what made it a little less embarrassing, because sometimes good music that Jade listened to appeared there. But Dirk didn’t need my complaints.

He barely talked to me when we entered the house, he just guided me to where the living room was. The room had a couch and a TV and a carpet that I really liked. And the decoration was really modern. I wondered how much two models made together, because it seemed like a lot.

Being an artist, I knew I’d probably live in a single apartment for the rest of my life. But that was okay. I liked doing art. It was maybe worth it.

“Where’s your roommate?” I asked. Dirk turned to me, his orange and black outfit going well with the house.

“She’s out. She’ll be back tomorrow”. That was good to know. I knew I wasn’t going to sleep there because I had a class on the next day, but it was good that Dirk and I would be able to watch movies all night. Because that was my plan. Watching movies.

I rose my hand up, showing the DVD I had in my hands. It was “The Princess and the Frog”, one of the movies I had watched the most in my whole life. The music was good, the characters were interesting, and Dirk had told me that he had never watched it. So that was the best choice I could have made.

“Princess and the Frog? I thought you’d bring Tangled”.

“Let’s leave Tangled to the next date, shall we?” He nodded, smiling. “I need you to see the classics first.

“Pretty sure that one’s not a classic, but okay”. He pointed to the couch, telling me to sit down, and so I did. Dirk then walked to the next room, which seemed to be the kitchen, and came back with a bag of corn. “Can you make popcorn on the stove?”

“Of course not”. That was embarrassing to admit. But Dirk shook his head and said “me either”.

I laughed, and he laughed along. It seemed like we were not going to have popcorn on that night.

I didn’t care, I wasn’t really hungry. My plans for the evening were establishing a better connection with Dirk and also making him a little more into Disney culture. That I could do easily. He came back from the kitchen, a bar of chocolate in hands, handing it to me so I’d open it.

“You didn’t even ask if I like chocolate”.

“You had mint ice cream. How the fuck would you not like chocolate?”

“You have a good point”.

He sat next to me, smile on his face and piece of chocolate in his mouth. I ate one too, waiting for him to grab the bar back from my hand. 

“So we’re both awful in the kitchen?” I said. He nodded his head yes.

“If you can call burning past awful. Then yeah”.

“Oh shit. At least I don’t even try”.

“That’s much better”.

I got the CD out of the DVD box, and Dirk put it in his TV. It was weird that we were still using DVDs in 2021, but thankfully he had a player in his house. He started the movie, and then sat down next to me. He didn’t touch me, he didn’t sit near but also not far away. He was in the perfect distance for me to hear him well and also not accidentally kiss. It was like Dirk was embarrassed, like he had just forgotten about how much we had kissed on the day that we met. But I had to be patient, we had a movie to watch.

The movie began, and none of us were saying anything. It wasn’t the most awkward thing I had ever done but it was definitely up there. I looked to my right and saw Dirk staring at the television, his jawline perfectly aligned, and I remembered how he looked during art class. I made a mental note that he looked amazing from the side. Maybe I could grab a chair on his left on the next class.

We didn't speak, and we didn't touch. It was late when he finally reached to me, touching my hand really softly. Maybe he thought I wouldn’t even notice it, but he surely knew it wouldn’t bother me. I loved touching his hand.

I let myself be touched, and then started moving my hand so I could hold his completely, pressing our skin together even closer than we had done during our first kiss.

Dirk seemed to enjoy that, and so I stayed there, his hand inside mine, pressing up. 

He sighed. I didn’t know what that sigh meant, but I enjoyed it, as I enjoyed every kind of noise he made. God, I was really into that guy. I turned my head so I could stare at him, seeing those two light eyes that I had seen on the first day I saw him, that curved nose that was so fun to draw. His mouth twitched slightly, as if he was really nervous to have me stare at him. A model shouldn’t feel like that.

I moved my eyes up to his hair, staring at those blond locks, and then taking my remaining hand to caress them.

Dirk closed his eyes, as if he was a cat receiving a hand onto his fur. He looked adorable doing that. “You’re so pretty”.

“No, you are,” he said. A model shouldn’t do that either.

“You know the art doesn’t have to compliment the artist, right?” I asked. He giggled, not once opening his eyes. I wanted to see them but I wasn’t having a bad time staring at those beautiful eyelids.

That man was drawable. It was no surprise he had been picked for our class. I was so lucky to be seeing that face.

“You know the artist doesn’t have to think his art is perfect, right?” he asked back, now opening his eyes and teasing a stare down to my chest.

“You know I don’t give a flying fuck, right?”

And with his low laugh, I moved my head against his face so I could kiss him. He kissed me back almost immediately, giggling against my mouth like he wanted me to fall in love. That was maybe, what, our thirtieth kiss? I had lost count after we made out on that bench, and I honestly didn’t give a flying fuck about that either.

Dirk touched my tongue with his, taking the hand that was pressed to mine to press against my face instead. His fingers were long and thin, with a very hard texture, but still amazing to have on my face. I took my hand that was now free to his hip, bringing him a little closer to myself.

I didn’t need anything on that evening. It was dark and beautiful out, and cold and warm at the same time inside the house. We were alone and we had reasons to be attracted to each other, but I’d do whatever Dirk wanted to do. He was my boss right then. And if he wanted to get back to watching the movie, I would.

But when he bit my lower lip with his incredibly hard teeth, I couldn’t help getting a little hard. He seemed to not notice, because he continued kissing me as if nothing was going on. I kissed back, like that was going to be the last kiss of my entire life. His tongue danced inside my mouth and sometimes outside of it, but what attracted me the most was his hand on my face, now going down to my neck, and then to my waist.

He was pressing really hard against my skin. His mouth was warm and so was his hip that I had my hand on. I wanted to stop kissing because I felt like I was disrespecting him. It was just our second day together after all. 

“Keep kissing me,” he whispered as if he had read my mind. “Keep kissing me, damn it”.

His hoarse voice was enough to make me even harder, and so I was a helpless case. I needed to do something about that shit. I kept kissing the man as he was asking me to do, not once moving my hand from his hip. He was pulling me so close to him that he would eventually touch my whole body. And that didn’t sound so bad.

He brought his hand even more down, until he eventually reached my legs. That’s when I realized he knew I was hard, and that he maybe wanted to do something about it. Separating our endless kiss, I asked:

“Hey. Is this okay?” and then I touched the back of his legs, just near enough his ass for that to be considered “sexy”. He nodded.

“Only if this is okay”.

Dirk took his hands further and further down my legs, until he reached my knees and then started going up again, in the direction of my very hard dick. Shit.

“That’s very okay, actually,” I whispered, getting nervous now. “And is this okay?”

Without waiting for his answer, I took my head straight to his neck, kissing softly on his throat. I could feel his neck move, and his hand going to the back of my hair. “Yeah, that’s okay too,” he whispered. That man seemed to be good at whispering. And maybe I had a thing for it.

I kept kissing his skin, leaving harder pecks from time to time. I could hear him sigh and moan in a really soft voice that I wish was louder. I rubbed my hand up and down his back and side, just enjoying his hand that rested on my leg. “Hm…” he whispered as I used my teeth to hold the skin on his neck for the first time.

“You like that?”

“Very much”.

I liked kissing him too. I liked biting him, and I definitely would like fucking him or being fucked by him. But maybe I was going too fast, I didn’t want to scare him. I went back to where I was and started kissing his mouth again, feeling him let go of my leg and take his hand to my face again.

I made another mental note. Dirk always takes his hand to the person’s face whenever they kiss him on the lips. That was beautiful. That was my new favorite thing about him, if I even could choose between all the things I liked about him.

He moved his hand again. “Sorry,” he said, to which I stopped kissing him. “Why’s that?” “I don’t know. Sorry”.

I giggled, and then went back to kissing him. I didn’t seem to be able to stop. Dirk turned his body even more than it already was turned, placing the side of his leg on top of mine, also dangerously close to my very very hard dick.

I laughed against his mouth. “Teasing me, huh?”

“Am I?” he asked in-between the kiss too.

“You’re not?” and he laughed once more. “You’re really something, Dirk Strider”.

After ten more seconds of silently kissing, he slowly separated us, to which I sighed. Being far apart was so hard after being together for such a long time. 

He stared at my mouth, and then into my eyes, trying to keep a balance between looking at each one. I still couldn’t get over those eyes. So deep and telling. I could tell almost everything about Dirk just by looking at those eyes, while knowing nothing about him at all, both at the same time.

“You’ve got eyes that I’ve never seen,” I whispered. He furrowed his eyebrows.

“What? Brown eyes?” he asked sarcastically. 

“No, not the color,” I said. “The expression. The form. I don’t know”.

“Maybe it’s ‘cause I stared at you for two hours two days in a row”.

“No,” I laughed. “It’s something that… I don’t know. I’ve just never seen it”.

He shook his head. “John, I know I’m a very attractive man, but I’m still a normal human. You know that, right?”

I laughed again. “No, I do, I do”. He giggled. “But you don’t look normal. I don’t know”.

“That’s horniness talking”.

He smiled. I couldn’t even try to argue by saying I wasn’t horny ‘cause I was clearly very horny. I just ticked my tongue and turned my face away, smiling at the situation. Dirk laughed and brought both his hands to my neck to pull me closer again, then kissing me twice on the mouth, really quickly.

I wanted to tell him things. I wanted to tell him I was into him, in case that wasn’t already obvious. I wanted to hold his face and scream that he was the prettiest man I had ever seen, but my dick wanted to be inside him and destroy him from the inside out. I wanted to make up my head about what I wanted, because it was maybe too much for me to handle. I had never been so into a boy like I seemed to be into Dirk, even if it had been only a week since I had first met him. But I didn’t know, maybe we were destined to be together. Why else would I be late exactly on that day, having to sit at the desk at which he’d stare?

I wanted to tell him all of that, all of my thoughts, but I was still embarrassed by having such an evident boner just from kissing him. Maybe he didn’t mind, ‘cause he was making jokes about it, but maybe he did. I didn’t know that boy, he could be a murderer. 

Without controlling my mouth, I went: “you’re not a murderer, are you?”

Dirk let out the loudest laugh I had ever heard him laugh. He leaned his head back to laugh, and then came back to look at me while still laughing. “Why? Are you into that?”

As much as I couldn’t control my words I couldn’t control my face. My expression became shocked, and then I pretended to laugh. No, what the fuck.

“No, what the fuck,” I said just as I thought. He kept on giggling beautifully. 

“Good, ‘cause I’m not,” he finished, letting out the last bits of his burst of laughter. God, I needed to kiss him again.

I giggled along him, trying to make sure that I really wasn’t into that, and that it had just been a dumb question my head decided to make. He covered his mouth with his hand, and took the other one to my shoulder, weighing himself on it.

“You’re funny, John”.

“You’re funny too,” I should have said. “And you’re like, the hottest person I’ve ever seen”.

He didn’t laugh, but he kept smiling. Maybe he smiled a little more even. I couldn’t tell. My eyes were blurred from being horny.

My plan to let Dirk decide what we’d do was starting not to work. I clearly had a preference for what we’d do. Shit, I wanted to laugh at myself.

“You’re pretty hot too,” he said back, with that smirk that made me wish I was either dead or fucking. “Maybe not model-hot, but pretty hot too”.

“Bluh,” I stuck my tongue out. Dirk really quickly went forward to lick it. “Don’t start teasing me again, mister”.

“Like that could make you any harder”. He was right. He was so right. “But I’m really fucking horny too. I’m trans so like, you can’t really tell. But it’s boners galore over here”.

That was good to know, I guessed. I wasn’t the only desperate one. But he just seemed so calm, he could control himself so well. Maybe I was just too much.

“You don’t seem horny,” I said. “At least not stupid horny. How do you do it?”

“I’m just not fucking stupid,” he joked. Or maybe that wasn’t a joke? “But believe me. I can feel a heartbeat down there and everything”.

“Hmm, really? Tell me more about that”.

Dirk smirked again, and then he stopped. He turned his face to the TV and then back at me. “Don’t wanna say anything bad in front of the Disney characters”.

I grabbed the control remote and turned the TV off desperately, looking back at Dirk. He chuckled.

“Okay, guess now it’s just you listening. I hope”.

“Oh, my dick is listening too,” I wanted to say. But that was stupid. I could control myself at that time. I wasn’t so stupid horny. Maybe just idiot horny.

I just nodded. “Then… I’m really desperate. For dick, I mean. Or fingers. A tongue… I don’t know, for anything you could give me. You’re a pretty boy, I bet you also have a pretty dick. It’s big from what I can see”. And then Dirk stared right down at my dick. I froze, not knowing what to do, seeing there was an attractive guy looking at my hard dick. Fuck. It kept growing. “Bet it’s tasty. And good to hold. To fuck. I can’t wait to sit on it for the first time”.

“You can sit on it whenever you want,” I blurted out. Dirk chuckled again, with that smirk back to his expression.

“You seem more desperate than me, Egbert. Saying all those horny things. But I bet I’m hornier. I want you to hold me against the wall and fuck me slowly, for example. Do you also want that?”

“Yes. There’s nothing I want more”.

“And I want you to let me suck you, reeeally slowly and nicely. Would that be good? I bet you’d feel amazing inside my tiny mouth. Your dick dancing over my tongue…”

“I really want that, Dirk”.

“To fuck my mouth?”

“Yeah… A lot”.

“Then do it”.

Dirk jumped from where he was on the couch, falling onto me and putting one leg on each side of my body. He started kissing me relentlessly, and I obviously kissed back. That boy had an addictive tongue, nothing could make me want to stop kissing him.

“Hm…” he moaned against my mouth, and I did the same as soon as he put his hip down and touched his crotch against mine. I hoped he didn’t mind how hard I was, but since he had said he was pretty horny, I guess that felt good. I could feel the heartbeat he had talked about, and that made me lose my mind. I needed to do something to that guy.

“Can I?” he asked, hand dangerously close to my dick. But that didn’t mean danger anymore. It just meant “please, do it, please touch me and make me lose my mind even more”.

I nodded, and he seemed to understand the message, since he touched my crotch with his whole left hand. It was hot that he was left-handed, I didn’t know why. 

“Fuck, Dirk”.

“Already moaning my name? I barely did anything to you”.

Fuck. I wanted to hit him so that he’d stop talking. I had never been so slow before. Every time I got hard I did something about it straight away, and so did most boys. But Dirk loved making me wait. He loved making it seem like he didn’t want to do it, and then do it. I already knew what his deal was.

“You make it hard not to,” I said, separating the kiss completely. He went to my neck, kissing and sucking at it, like he was desperate for my skin. “Such soft lips”.

“Nothing soft about me,” he joked. And then he kept going down, and down, until he reached the collar of my shirt. “I can take this off, right?”

“I love it when you don’t even ask,” I said, pushing him away and taking my shirt off. “Want me to take anything else off in the way?”

He chuckled and went back to kissing my skin, and then my shoulders. “Calm down. I want you to cum in your pants first”.

“What?” I asked. That sounded amazing but mortifying. How stupid was it to cum when he had barely even touched me? But the more he shook his hand on top of my clothed dick, the more I understood that that was absolutely possible. Maybe he knew me well too. He knew I wanted to cum already.

“I think that’s a hot idea. You’re gonna love it”. And he did something with his hand that made me almost see stars. He twitched his fingers like he knew how to make a guy go insane. I couldn’t believe what was going on. I just knew he was going to drive me crazy soon.

“I think anything you do to me is hot”.

“You’re giving, aren’t you, John? Very giving,” and maybe I was. Maybe to him I was. But there was something about him that made it hard not to want to be. I wanted to be his. I wanted to make him tell me to do things. I wanted him to lead everything that I’d do on that day. And he seemed to be pretty into that too.

I moaned, not really meaning to. Dirk giggled, and then went back to kissing my neck, while making noises against it and moving his hand.

That hand was maybe too much. Too much, Dirk, I wanted to say. But the sensation was amazing.

“You know, when I looked at you on that day, I didn’t know I’d be touching your hard dick anytime soon. How do you feel about that? Did you imagine it?”

“S-Stop saying things like that”.

“Ah, you can’t speak now. I get it. It’s okay”.

And he smiled, and even if it didn’t seem sarcastic, I just knew it was. I knew what his deal was, he want me to feel even more pathetic than I already was. 

And he was doing a great job.

“I-I can speak,” I argued, even if it was embarrassing to try. Dirk chuckled at me, knowing how fucking hopeless I was. There was no way, I was going to come in seconds.

“You’re so funny”. And then he, while not letting go of my dick, rubbed his crotch against mine. “Fuck,” he let out.

I couldn’t say a simple “fuck”, I started moaning desperately. It was like Dirk was made of fire, he was so unbelievably hot. And his crotch was wet, even covered by his underwear and pants. I wanted to lick him clean, if he allowed me to. But I was enjoying the moment too much to ask for that. I’d do it if he told me to.

“Your moan makes me believe your job shouldn’t be artist,” he joked. “So good to hear”.

“Shut up,” I said. “You’re… making me go crazy".

“You actually want me to shut up?” he asked like a normal person, even though our crotches were rubbing against one another, even though he had his whole hand against my dick. No. I didn’t want him to stop. 

But I didn’t say anything. I just allowed him to do whatever it is he wanted to do.

Shortly after he went back to kiss my neck, while rubbing himself against me harder and harder. Shit. I couldn’t take it anymore.

“I’m gonna c-cum. In seconds. If you don’t s-stop”.

“I don’t want to stop,” he responded. “I want you to cum. Like a joke, inside your pants. With me doing barely anything”.

“Fuck, D-Dirk”.

And so I came without any further warning, feeling my heartbeat instantly go louder, my eyes close, and my underwear go embarrassingly wet. “Good”.

Dirk’s words were too much, he looked even hot when I was coming against his crotch. But that wasn’t all I wanted. I wanted to cum inside his mouth. Inside him, whatever it was. I just wanted him to make me orgasm again.

“W-W-W…” I couldn’t speak, just make noises and stare at him and then close my eyes. That’s all I could do. He probably thought that was hilarious. He smirked, I could see when I opened my eyes again.

“What do you want to say, John? You want me to fuck you?” he asked, and only that made me start getting hard again. My pants were starting to feel suffocating. “Ah, but that’s gonna take a while. I wanna do things to you first”.

Dirk let go of me, standing up on the ground, and then taking his shirt off. He wore a piece of clothing that I knew to be a binder from a trans friend of mine. His stomach looked amazing, exactly like that of a model. Dirk was perfect in the places he didn’t even need to be, where I wouldn’t give a fuck about. Unbelievable.

“W-What else… do you want to do to me?”

“First I want you to wreck my mouth. Can you do that?”

“Yes,” I said, standing up with him and taking my right hand to the zipper of my pants, pulling it down and taking my pants off. Dirk stared and then pushed me back to the couch. “I-I can do that”.

“You don’t have to be nervous anymore, I already know you’re a desperate guy”. And he kneeled on the ground, kissing at my now-exposed leg and working his way up, and then down, and then up my thigh. 

“I’m not nervous, I’m just…” and I decided I needed to joke a little. “Never had sex with a supermodel before”.

Dirk giggled, and was very close to the place where I wanted him to touch again. His giggle was not enough to give any relief to my growing second boner, I was still pretty desperate. And wet. 

“I’m not a ‘super’model. I’m just a model,” he corrected me.

“Yeah, but you’re super hot,” I joked again. Dirk laughed again, chuckling against the hairs on my leg, while he kissed softly.

“You make jokes when you’re anxious, don’t you?” he asked. I smiled, and closed my eyes, because he started driving his head up, and… “Hm…”

Dirk reached the place where my penis was, hard and already soaked. He moaned against the fabric of my boxers (white. The worst color to show all the cum that I had let out), and started kissing at it. His kisses there weren’t any close to his soft kisses on my leg and neck. He kissed hard, as if he wanted to kiss inside the boxers, as if he wanted me to take that off as much as I wanted to take that off. I couldn’t help but start moaning again, but thankfully the distance between his lips and my actual penis was being helped by the underwear, and so the sensation wasn’t that intense.

But it was still pretty intense, because now Dirk had one hand on top of my leg and the other one inside his pants. “F-F-Fuck,” I managed to blurt out. “What are you doing there?”

I could barely keep my eyes open, but whenever I could, I saw his arm twitch slightly. “Can I only make you feel good?”

“N-No,” I replied, missing the feeling of his lips whenever he went back up to talk. “Is your finger inside you?”

“Not yet,” he said, closing his eyes and kissing back at me whenever he wasn’t speaking. “Do you want it to be?”

“Yeah. Please”.

That “please” was pathetic, I was saying it so much. Maybe I really was a desperate bitch for Dirk Strider. Maybe I was a whore, and I just wanted him to tie me to the bed while he kissed my whole body and touched himself. I wanted to do everything with Dirk, and I wanted him to do everything he could do to me. I was gone, completely lost, that man had done magic to me and my body. I was enjoying that moment like it was my last.

“Ok. I-It’s inside me now,” and he smirked again. I was starting to hate that smirk, because it always made me even harder than I already was.

“Feels good?”

“Of course, John… Not as good as my mouth feels right now, but…”

“Are you… Is your mouth desperate to be fucked? Just like you?”

“Hm, a whole sentence. Good job,” and he moaned against my dick again, twitching his left arm one more time. “Yes, it’s pretty desperate. I really need a dick inside me”.

“I can help with that,” but I couldn’t really do anything when Dirk started licking the top of my crotch, getting so close, but so so close, to going inside my underwear. I held his hair and pulled it back, wanting him to suck me off so bad.

He then went backwards, as if he wanted to tease me. He stared me right in the eyes and said: “you ready?”

More than anything, yes, I was. I wanted to beg him to do it already, but I was already helpless enough. If I asked, then maybe he would slow it down even more. I just nodded then.

“Then please fuck my mouth”.

He brought my underwear down and my dick hit his face almost immediately. I was desperate, it was sad how hard I was. He seemed to enjoy that, as he smiled and held it like a bouquet of flowers, staring at me with those teasing deep eyes.

I was moaning already, and he just had one hand on me, his right one. His left one was still inside his pants. He brought it out and I could see his fingers were wet, and he took them to his mouth and licked it clean.

“Shit,” I couldn’t help myself. Dirk was hot doing anything. But licking himself clean was so fucking hotter than everything else.

“Hm…” he giggled. “You like me with my fingers in my mouth?”

“Yeah… But I can think of something better for your mouth…”

“Yeah? Are you sure? I really like my fingers… They’re long, hard, wet…”

“Hmm, Dirk”. I couldn’t seem to stop moaning. What he was doing with his right hand was too distracting, but so easy to focus on. “Please suck me. I want to see you with your mouth around my cock”.

And then he smiled, that smile again. That smirk. It was getting annoying, it was too hot to handle. “Since you want it so bad”.

Without warning, Dirk went straight to putting my whole dick inside his mouth. I gasped, not expecting the feeling I was feeling already. He didn’t wait, and started licking me and going up and down, touching everywhere and with every finger of his. He took both hands to me, even the one that had been inside of him, and started rubbing my dick whenever his mouth was away.

Fuck. Fuck. He was too good at that. “D-Dirk, what the fuck…” That was too much. Now it was too much.

He seemed to read my mind, and started going more slowly, until he almost stopped, and licked the top of my dick softly. I started trembling, and with every spot his tongue touched I could feel my body betray me by telling him how much I wanted him. Dirk was amazing at sucking dick. Even more amazing than he was at making me cream my pants like a teenager. I wanted to tell him, but all I could do was moan and hold his hair like an idiot. I let out a small whimper, and he giggled against my dick, going back to his up and down movements.

“Let me destroy your mouth,” I was able to say, fighting my own noises and holding his hair really tight. “Please”.

He looked so hot. He didn’t respond so he wouldn’t have to stop sucking me, but he went down until my dick was touching the back of his throat. I couldn’t help but tilt back, almost arching my back from how much of his mouth was touching me. I started pulling at his hair, fucking his mouth without fear.

“You like that?” I asked. “Mhm,” he nodded, while being pushed and pulled and basically thrown around by my hand. I was going insane, I couldn’t hold it anymore. “I’m gonna cum, Dirk”.

“Nah, not yet,” he said, stepping away and brutally stopping to suck. I whimpered at his hand, wanting to push him back and tell him to go back to being fucked on the mouth. “Not yet, baby…”

I could feel my dick almost moan himself, just from how much I wanted to have Dirk’s lips back on it. The problem is that he was so intense, but so steady and smooth at the same time. I wanted to both have him hold me close and caress my head, and also fuck me repeatedly. There was no in-between with him. I wanted him to hold me against the wall and wreck my insides, I wanted him to fuck my mouth with his fingers and to kiss everywhere in his body, just like he had licked every inch of my throbbing penis.

He stared at me with his stunning two eyes, from an angle that was impossible to resist. I put my hand on his nape and pulled him onto a kiss and up on the couch. Dirk once again did the thing where he took his hand to my face, putting his fingers on my chin and some on my neck. We kissed for minutes.

“And what do you plan to do to me?” I asked after we finished kissing. He licked his lips and stared at my mouth and then down at my still-hard member.

“Whatever you beg for, Egbert”.

That man. He knew what he liked, and he knew how to get what he wanted. It was scary how charming he was, and how much he made me want to be fucked with every word he said. And so I asked for it. Because it was already as pathetic and desperate as things could be. What could I do but enjoy myself?

“I want you to fuck me. Hard. Without holding back”.

“I know you do,” he said, nodding and smirking. “Can you beg?”

“P-Please,” I asked. His hand was on my dick again, really carefully moving around. 

“Please what, John?”

“Please fuck me, Dirk. Ruin me. Please”.

Dirk smirked even larger, and then kissed my cheek while still (maybe too) carefully touching at my dick. “Since you asked so nicely…”

He started driving his hand down my leg, and then he sat back on the couch, asking me to sit on his lap. I didn’t complain, and went straight there, feeling the fabric of his pants against my bare legs, but not minding it even a little bit. He was finally going to do what I had been waiting for. There was nothing I could complain about.

“I don’t have any lube here. Is that okay?” he asked. I nodded.

“Look, I just need you to penetrate me as soon as possible or I’m gonna go insane. I don’t care about the pain”.

“Good to know,” he giggled. “Then”.

Dirk took left hand to his mouth, and started sucking on his fingers while staring at me. “Fuck…” He wouldn’t stop, he went up and down on his fingers just as he did to my dick, just to tease me even more. I took my hand to his neck, wanting him to stop with the jokes and do his job already.

“You’re so weak to everything I do. Everything breaks you”. And he was right. Everything he did broke me. Because he was a fucking angel. His eyes were eyes of an angel, his jawline was unbelievable. How could I be having sex with a guy like that, who spoke the most attractive words one could speak? It was hard to handle all that, and even harder to explain why I couldn’t handle it. “Let’s begin. Good boy”.

Dirk took his wet fingers straight down, waiting for me to say something or give him permission. I simply nodded, and then he entered me, just one finger first, and then another one, because I wasn’t nervous and was completely ready for him. I moaned almost instantly, because of light pain and also really a sudden pleasure. He was finally inside me. That is what I wanted.

He started moving, and I started moving my hips to accompany his pace. “Fuck. Dirk”.

“Shh… Calm down…”

“I’m c-calm, I-” Dirk’s remaining hand went in the direction of my dick, massaging on it and moving his fingers left and right. “Yeah. Fuck”.

Dirk chuckled, a chuckle that just knew how into him I was, how helpless I was for him and how much I was enjoying doing everything he wanted me to do. When he moved his fingers even further into me, I understood that he knew exactly what he was doing to me. He knew he had some kind of magic.

I just had no idea how he did it.

“Deeper, please”.

“It doesn’t hurt?”

“Not at all. Please go d-deeper”.

“Alright”. Dirk’s fingers started to press deeper into me, until he reached what I believed to be his knuckles. “I’m completely inside you. Can you take another finger?”

I didn’t reply, and he had already inserted another one inside of me. I let out a breathy gasp, not expecting it but also not complaining. Dirk was stretching me and that felt amazing. He started moving his hand in perfect directions, doing things that no one had really done to me before, making me want to yell words that are not good for people to hear.

I couldn’t believe what was going on. Dirk let go of my penis and put his hand inside his pants again. I could see it much better now, and could even feel his right hand through the fabric of his pants, because I was sitting so close to him. He started moving his hands, probably rubbing himself, and I couldn’t stop staring at his face while he did it. Dirk opened his mouth slightly, and then closed it, and then opened it again. It was like he wanted to say something, like he wanted to moan, but was trying to hold it back.

“Can you moan for me?” I wanted to ask. But I was too busy being finger-fucked by the fucking model that was next to me. He curled his three fingers inside of me, reaching the spot I didn’t think he’d be able to reach anytime soon. I whimpered loudly. “Fuck. Right there. Exactly there,” I started saying, moving my hips so he would reach it again, pressing against it like there was no tomorrow. When he found the place again he pressed against it three times straight, making me want to scream. I had to mind the neighbors, but I wanted to scream about how good Dirk Strider was making me feel.

He kept fingering me, and maybe even fingering himself. I could barely see but I knew he was doing a good job inside himself too. “J-John…” he whimpered, sounding almost as pathetic as I had during that whole evening. “Y-You’re so fucking hot”.

“How can you say that with your whole finger inside me? Ugh… You fuck me so well”.

Dirk closed his eyes. Maybe he was really good at giving himself pleasure. I kept moving my hips, but slowly, because I could feel I was already close to cumming almost untouched. I saw Dirk start moving his own hip too, dancing on top of his right hand, trying to make himself feel like he was making me feel.  “Shit…”

“Hmm, please. Harder. Please”. And he didn’t complain, he started taking his finger almost out and then completely in again, fucking me hard and deep and making my brain tingle. “FUCK. Fuck, Dirk… Just like that. Please. Don’t stop”. And of course he wouldn’t stop. My noises were so loud that I was worried a neighbor could hear. The couch also made noises that were at least a little bit suspicious. And Dirk was only moaning softly and in a low voice, while taking his fingers to his tongue and then back down to in-between his legs.

The scene was insanely sexy. His blond hair was bouncing on his sweaty forehead, his eyelashes were touching his cheeks whenever he closed his eyes to contain himself. He was using both of his hands at the same time, each fucking one person, and was seemingly doing an amazing job with both. God. That boy was impossible. 

“Fuck. John”.

“H-How can you… How can you fuck me so good? How can your fingers do that? Ah… I can’t, Dirk. I’m gonna cum”.

“Cum for me, darling,” he whispered, going back to whimpering straight after. “C-Cum for me and I’ll cum for you”.

And he didn’t even have to ask. I came all over my legs and my dick hurt and twitched as I moved my hip more and more, deepening his fingers and having the best orgasm I thought I would ever have.

I stared at him, trying to keep my eyes open as my cum dripped onto his legs, staining his pants, as he kept moving his hand with great force. He started moaning and smirking at me, until he finally seemed to be done, whining about his own hand, a wet forehead and even wetter fingers. That boy looked marvellous while cumming, I had to say that. I kept staring at him, not being able to speak yet, giving away big breaths from my second orgasm of the night. He opened his eyes, looking back at me and then down. Woah.

“Heh,” he said. His voice was still pretty weak, he seemed to have done a good job to himself. “Guess you’ll want to draw me a little differently now”.

I let out a small chuckle. “I hope you know you’re the hottest motherfucker when you’re fucking me. I need to draw that one day”.

He smiled wider, even though he knew I was joking. I could never draw Dirk in any sexual way, because I would never be able to fully reproduce what he actually was capable of doing. A drawing would never show how hot his fingers were and how hard they went inside me. As I thought of that, Dirk removed his fingers, leaving me empty and wet. I should have thanked that man for making me feel as good as he did, but I didn’t even have energy to do that.

“You know, Dirk…” I began, trying to find words, trying to pretend I was a smart thinking person after that. “I think you’re…”

“Shh. Wait”. 

Dirk touched my mouth, making me shut up. He started looking around, and with my silence, I heard a car, probably pulling up to his house. Oh, shit.

“Ah, fuck,” he said, reading my mind. “It’s my roommate. Put your clothes on!”

As I tried to process what was happening he threw my shirt at me, and I quickly brought my pants and underwear up. “Shit. I thought she wasn't coming until tomorrow”.

“Me too”. Dirk was standing up, putting his orange shirt on top of his black binder and rushing me. “Quick!”

“Calm down, I just got wrecked by someone!” I complained, to which he didn’t laugh but simply shook his head with amusement. I quickly stood up with my shirt on, my very wet underwear and pants, and I looked almost presentable. It was almost as if I hadn’t just had sex on that couch. Dirk started moving the pillows so they’d seem more like they were before, and then we were both standing up and looking at the door as it opened.

That wasn’t at all suspicious, the two of us staring at the girl as she walked in, the smell of sex in the air. Dirk hadn’t mentioned his roommate's name but he had mentioned that she was very tall and gorgeous, and that she was.

Her hair was dyed blonde and her skin was dark brown. She had eyes full of makeup and her mask was pink, going along with her black and pink outfit. She took the mask off and I saw her full lips with black lipstick, as she shot a smile at us.

“Dirky!” was the first thing she said, walking in our direction. “Rox,” Dirk said, not in the same energy but in the calm and serious energy he seemed to always have.

That girl, named “Rox”, apparently, hugged Dirk as if she hadn’t seen him in months, and then looked at me. “Is this the hot artist?” She asked.

I felt my cheeks go red. Was I? “Yeah, Rox. He is,” Dirk said, looking at me and smiling awkwardly. Rox moved in my direction and opened her arms for a hug, to which I hugged back, feeling her big arms press me tight. “Sorry for her, John. She’s kinda crazy”.

“No, I’m not. I’m just happy,” she said. “Hi, John. My name is Roxy”.

“Hey, Roxy!” She seemed very nice, like a person I’d love to have around. And she was polite, because it was clear what had just happened in that living room and she was simply ignoring it. Anyway. It was crazy that the two of them lived together.

“Now that you two have met, you can go, Rox. Thanks”. And Dirk started pulling her arm and then pushing her away, as she laughed and laughed and tried to hold onto me.

“You’re so annoyiiiing,” she whined. “Come on, I’ll cook something for you guys and we can chat. How’s that? I wanna know the hot artist too”.

“Stop saying that,” Dirk giggled.

“You can cook?” I asked, not really sure what to do, not really sure if she really hadn’t noticed the stain on my crotch that I was trying to hide. “That’s so cool!”

“I’ll cook for you if you draw me,” she joked. I laughed along with her and nodded, promising that I would. Dirk looked at me, a smile on his face, glad that I hadn’t disliked his roommate that he seemed embarrassed about. “She’s a great person,” I’d say to him later. “I’d love to come to your house again whenever”.

And with that, he’d smile, and then drop me off at my house and then I’d go to sleep. That was a nice evening, probably the best second date I had ever had. And Dirk was one of the best people I had ever met. And Roxy was a really great cook. I couldn’t believe everything was happening so fast, but I also couldn’t complain. It was all making me very sure that I had picked the right college, and also the right career. I had finally found my muse.

Chapter Text

It would be difficult to explain the situation in which Dirk and I found ourselves. We both liked each other, that we clearly did, and I couldn’t stand looking in his eyes without melting away, without feeling that he was everything I ever wanted, everything I could’ve ever asked for.

It felt like I was exaggerating, but I was not. All I could think about was him. When I was awake, it was him, and when I slept, he still stayed in my brain, dancing around in my dreams and looking just the way he did in real life, if maybe not a little less perfect, because his perfection was a lot to reach.

And so for once, I arrived ten minutes early to class.

I couldn’t wait to see him. Now everyone knew we were together, or at least that we had something going on. Half of my class had at least heard of the day when I, as I entered the building, was holding Dirk Strider’s hand on mine. And then, when I kissed him on the lips right before going to class, even more people realized, and then made the connection that we probably weren’t just friends. Or, I don’t know, maybe we could be a really weird kind of friend.

Still, I didn’t know what we were, and that’s why it was difficult. Sure, I went to his house maybe twice a week and we went out and spoke on the phone during all of our free time. I liked kissing him and being with him, and I definitely would be in a relationship with him if I was given the choice to, but what did he want? Did he feel the same whenever he held me, and was he glad he had met me just as I was glad I had met him? I didn’t know, I had no idea of anything. All I knew is Dirk arrived at what would soon be our last human-body art class with him, and then stared straight to where my chair was, searching for me.

As his eyes found mine, I became completely stuck. He was wearing a color I had never seen him wear before (blue) and looked even more amazing than he usually did, if that even was possible. The teacher walked in behind him but I couldn’t even notice her. My pupils were dilated as I stared at Dirk and only Dirk, not bothering with anything else and any of my feelings.

He was perfect. Maybe not even just perfect. Maybe he was the only perfect being in the entire universe. I had known Dirk for quite a while now and he was, no doubts, the best guy I had ever met. The way he held my hand was hypnotizing, sure, but not as hypnotizing as when he spoke about his interests, with his smile bright and his eyes shining. It wasn’t about his beauty anymore, or how amazing he seemed to be, it was how he really was. Now I knew Dirk Strider, inside and out, and knew that he was beautiful in every single way. And for that, and for meeting him, I could not be more thankful.

I looked down at my paper, ready to draw that man in class for the last time. I had drawn him at home many times after that day on the bench, so I had nothing to worry about. He had become the Rose Dewitt Bukater to my Jack Dawson, and I was falling for him the same way the protagonists of the Titanic were, recklessly and quickly and like nothing else mattered anymore. When I looked at him it really was like nothing else mattered, only his well-being and eyes did. His heart beat fast but not as fast as mine, which was asking for help from how accelerated things had become for him. I just wanted to pull Dirk aside and tell him how he made me feel, even if the whole class would notice and maybe make fun of us. I didn’t care. Nothing mattered. Only he and I did, and if I was reckless for that, then I could thank the skies for it.

Being reckless felt so good. Falling in love with that stranger was so worth it. Kissing him was amazing, feeling his hands on me was even better in action than in theory. Dirk Strider’s presence in my life was unbelievable. And those were the handful of sentences that I could state about him. Everything else was too hard to explain, too abstract to try putting into a narration.

“Hello, class!” the teacher began, as she always did, to which all the students and I replied “hello”. I couldn’t really care about anything that was going on, Dirk was staring at me and only me, then sitting on his chair and posing for the class. “Since this is our last day with this particular model, I want to finally tell you all his name”.

Pff, so pathetic. I felt so cool for knowing his name, his surname, his roommate’s name, and everything else that my class had no idea about. I smiled at the guy, and then the teacher looked at me.

“Of course some of you broke the rules of not knowing our model personally,” she said, sarcastically and obviously talking about me. I felt my cheeks go red, as the other students in my class started laughing and Dirk giggled slightly. Shit.

“Sorry,” I mouthed, to which the teacher just shook her head with a smile.

“So, wanna introduce yourself?” she turned to Dirk. Dirk nodded, shooting that big and polite smile that he knew to use so well. Such a model. My model, I even could say, if he allowed me to. God, his smile still caught me off-guard…

I would never get used to Dirk.

“Hey everyone. Some of you might already know, but my name is Dirk”. He looked around, trying to look at almost everyone. “I really enjoyed being the model for all of you guys, and I hope you enjoyed having me too. It was an honor, really. Does anyone have any questions?”

A girl rose her hand up. I think her name was Helen or something. Dirk pointed at her.

“So are you and John dating?” she asked. “You seem to be”.

My cheeks got even redder, as I was caught with complete surprise by the question. I couldn’t look at Dirk or at her, all I could do was open my mouth and turn to the teacher, who was smiling at me. I expected her to call the girl out, but she seemed to be waiting for the answer too.

Dirk was silent, as the class giggled and stared at both him and me. I thankfully sat on the front row, so I wasn’t looking at anyone, but that was even more embarrassing.

“That’s a little too much information, miss. I’m sorry, but I’m going to skip that question”. And Dirk had a smile on his face, like he wasn’t embarrassed in the slightest by that question. How was he always like that? So smooth and good at handling situations. “Anyone else?”

The class let out a huge “boo” in unison. That couldn’t be happening. My whole classroom talking about me and the hot guy that I kissed sometimes, it had to be a very embarrassing nightmare. But it was reality. Dirk thankfully was dealing with it, and I was just the stupid guy who wasn’t as cool as he originally thought he was. I tried to calm myself down so I wouldn’t run away from awkwardness.

The rest of the people asked normal questions to Dirk, thankfully, like about what kind of modeling he usually did or if he would ever come back. I was able to get myself back together, and everyone seemed to forget about what had happened, as it usually happened in classrooms. And then we all drew Dirk for what would be the last time, and closed out notebooks when the teacher said that (slightly terrifying) “time’s up”. I was happy with the result of my drawing, and I had gotten better and better at drawing Dirk Strider. Practice really did make perfect after all.

I left the classroom and didn’t meet up with him straight away (we decided not to do that because it was embarrassing, and it would be even worse on that day). I went to my other classes and then, when it was about noon, I met up with him at that same ice cream store, where he was excitedly waiting for what would be our, what, twentieth date?

Twenty dates. Was that already enough for me to be in love with him? Because, fuck, I hadn’t felt that way about a guy before. I wanted to see Dirk all the time, I wanted him to meet my whole family and to bring him along on every single trip. What else was there to happen in my heart, would it get even more breathtaking than that? The way I felt for him had to be the ultimate form of feeling, because I wasn’t sure I could take anything stronger than that.

But I did. When I arrived at the store he held my hand automatically, without me having to extend my arm. That feeling was one I hadn’t experienced yet, the feeling of just knowing that he wanted to hold my hand. It was hard to believe that a guy like that could like me back after all, how could I accept that he was now holding my hand like it was muscle memory. I wrapped my fingers around his and pulled him into a kiss, forgetting everything bad that had happened on that day. Once again, only he and I mattered.

How had I reached that point? Why did I feel like the girl characters in every romantic comedy movie? How did Dirk do that to me?

“So, having mint ice cream again?” he asked. I huffed, rolling my eyes pretending to be annoyed.

“You’re gonna use that against me for the rest of time, aren’t you?”

“Am I wrong for doing that? It’s literally mint ice cream”.

“Fuck you”. And we laughed together. “But no. We’re not having ice cream today, actually”.

“Oh, we're not?”

“Nah”. And I put my hand inside my pocket, bringing out the car keys that I had there. “I’m taking you somewhere”.

Dirk’s eyes widened as he saw the keys. “You have a car? In your twenties in this generation?” I shook my head.

“No, it’s my dad’s,” and he smiled with a disappointed “oh”. “But still. It’s a car, and it’s cool. And I’m gonna take you somewhere nice with it”.

“Oh, I’m curious now. But you’re still a stranger, how can I trust you?” His voice was seductive, even when he was trying to be sarcastic. “How can I trust you’re not going to take me to a forest and murder me, you weirdo?”

“You think I’d kill a face like this one?” I reached for his cheek, holding it between my fingers. Dirk smiled and pushed my hand away. 

“I don’t know, what if you have a thing for pretty corpses?”

“You have an awful head. Did you know that?”

But Dirk’s jokes weren’t destroying my surprise, I was actually pretty excited about the place where I would take him, I had been planning that for days. I put the car keys back in my pocket, starting to walk with Dirk on my side, going in the direction of where the car was parked. When we arrived Dirk made a joke or two about the seats being too clean for him to sit on, we laughed, and then I started driving.

I wasn’t anxious or nervous about him not liking my surprise, there was no way he wouldn’t. But I still felt a little pressure, something holding me down and telling me that whatever I had thought of wouldn’t be enough for Dirk. But I knew that that was because I had fallen for him pretty hard, and that it would never stop being like that. Dirk chose the music we’d listen to and even that made my heart beat a little louder. I had to accept that all of that was happening. And just as I knew it, it wouldn’t just magically stop happening. 

I would never feel completely right next to Dirk, and that was okay. Because whenever he’d hold my hand afterwards, I’d realize that it was all in my head, and the release would be amazing. It would feel like a thousand hugs on my body, the comfort of sitting on a great big chair. That is what Dirk would always make me feel.

“Dirk,” I called for him, not sure what I even wanted to say. I just wanted to hear his voice over that really good music he was playing in my dad’s car. It didn’t matter what he’d talk about.

“Hm?” he said. That was disappointing, not even a “what’s up, Egbert?” to put me on my toes, nothing. I had to keep trying.

“Dirk…” I said again, just wanting him to say my name back.

“Yes?” he said. Shit. I was starting to have fun with that, and so I called again.

“Di-irk…” I sang out.

“Jo-ohn…” Yes. That’s what I wanted. “I love your weird flirting style”.

I snorted. “Who says I’m flirting? I’m just saying your name,” I joked. I wished I could turn to look at him but I didn’t want to cause a car accident, that’d fucking suck. “If I wanted to flirt I’d ask you to suck me off while I drive”.

“That’d be flirting? Wow, I need to get you a therapist or something”.

“Don’t act like you wouldn’t like it”.

We took twenty minutes to arrive at where I wanted to take him. Dirk looked outside the windows the whole time, asking many times if we had already arrived and if I could tell him where we were going.

I sensed how nervous he was and that was adorable, I smiled and said that it was a surprise. When we arrived and I stopped the car, he turned to stare at me with a surprised expression.

“The beach?”

I could finally turn to him. God, he was handsome. “Yeah! Thought you’d like it!”

“Who told you I love the beach?”

“No one really. But my sister did say you looked like a beach guy. Seems like she was right”.

“She was”. Dirk was smiling wide, still looking out the window and trying to see the ocean from far away. “Thank you so much!”

He leaned forward and pecked on my lips quickly, to which I extended the smile that I already had. Ah, Dirk Strider. I could feel the pressure leave my shoulders from him having liked the surprise and even thanked me for it. Everything felt perfect once again.

We left the car and went in the direction of the beach, taking our shoes off and feeling the sand between our toes. Dirk went on and on about how much he liked the sand and the ocean and the shells and everything about the beach, and God was I glad I had taken him to the right place! I couldn’t stop smiling and neither could he and I wanted to draw him again right then and there just so I could have that image somewhere forever. It was too perfect, too precious and nice.

“You could’ve told me,” he said. “At least then I would’ve worn shorts. It’s ridiculous to wear jeans on the beach”.

“Ah, come on,” I replied, putting a towel down on the sand and then sitting on it. Dirk sat by my side, trying to fit. “We look hot”.

“We do, but it also is hot. At least there’s the breeze of the ocean”.

Dirk closed his eyes, grabbing his knees and staying in silence for a couple of seconds, just feeling the wind on his face. I stayed silent too because I couldn’t stop looking at him. His profile so drawable and kissable, a face I would take a thousand of pictures of, and he seemed even more irresistible on the beach for some weird reason. After a few seconds he opened his eyes again and turned his head to me. When he noticed I was staring, he smiled. He didn’t use his teeth to do it.

“What are you thinking of?” he asked. What was I thinking of? Maybe I was thinking of the fact that he was the most fascinating guy I had ever seen, and that I never wanted to let him go. Maybe I was thinking of how lucky I was to have met a person like him, especially in the boring place that was our state. Maybe I was also thinking of how perfect his life was, and how weird it was that I was starting to become part of it, unable to complain but also unable to understand, just how I had gotten the chance to be with someone like that. Maybe I was thinking a lot. But all the thoughts were about him. I wanted to say all that out loud, I wanted to let him know just how important he was, how much he made my head spin. But I wasn’t good with words, especially with him in front of me.

And so I just smiled. I shook my head and smiled. I had nothing to say.

Wow. Wow is all I maybe could be able to say.

“Hey. Egbert,” he continued, when he noticed I was too stupid and in love to say anything. “If I tell you what I’m thinking will you tell me what you’re thinking?” I nodded. “Cool. Well”.

Dirk turned back to the ocean that was in front of us, green and blue.

“I’m thinking of how small we are, in comparison to everything else. And not even in the way of like, us being small dots in the middle of a universe, no. I mean like, we are unable to control our future, unable to do anything about anything, and we just have to accept being like that. You know? Does that make sense or do I sound like a sappy and repetitive poem writer?”

“It makes sense,” I was able to say.

“Like. I don’t know. I never thought I’d meet you. I never thought I’d ever have to meet you. If I didn’t know you yet and someone told me about you some years in the past, I wouldn’t give two shits about it. And now, for some reason, you’re special to me. It’s insane how much a month can do, how much it can change”.

Special to him, he had said. I was special to him.

Yeah. I was in love.

“I never thought I’d meet a guy who would take me to the beach without even asking if I liked it. No one I know really likes the beach, you know? So I guess people just don’t expect me to”. And he turned to me, that smile on his face. “It’s so strange that you just seemed to know. It almost sounds like magic, like destiny”.

I nodded, knowing that my heart was beating loud from hearing Dirk talk so much. “Well, to be honest, it’s my sister who knew you liked the beach”. Dirk then laughed, leaning his head back and tilting his neck. “Maybe she’s your soulmate”.

“Maybe she is, what do I know?” and he stared at the ocean again. He seemed to be obsessed with it. I looked at it too, seeing the movement of the water and the way the waves hit the shore. It was no surprise Dirk liked that place so much. He knew what beauty was. Beauty knew beauty quite well. “But now it’s your turn,” he hit my shoulder with his. “What are you thinking about?”

I turned to him, seeing the face that I knew so well, the eyes that were much better to draw than whatever I had said about creativity before I met him. “I don’t know how to explain,” I began. “But I think I’m thinking about how, despite there being an ocean, the sun, and white sand with beautiful shells in front of me, you’re still the best sight on this beach”.

Dirk smiled. “You mean that?”

“Yeah”.

“Huh,” he continued, turning to the ocean again, and then back at me. That movement seemed to have become a trend. “You know, I’ve heard a lot of compliments, but none as beautiful as that one”.

“Really?”

“Yeah”.

“Well. You deserve the best of compliments. There should be like, a poetist by your side all the time, just writing you pretty words and making you happy”.

He giggled. “Well, now that would be annoying”. I nodded, a smile on my face and the wind on my hair. I actually was glad I was wearing jeans, the air was starting to get chilly because of the breeze.

“It’s what you deserve, though. Also, I hope they make a gallery of all the drawings my class made of you. That would be amazing, getting to see you in so many different art styles, a wall of just Dirk”.

“I think it’d be easier to just look at my portfolio,” he joked. God, now I wanted to see that. Dirk in so many positions, with different lighting and different clothes. The few photos I had seen of him in his house weren’t enough, I needed more.

My hands started to get colder, I needed to hold his. Staring down at the sand I grabbed some, and let it slip through my fingers slowly. I also grabbed a shell, and handed it to Dirk with a smile. He took it from my hand and started glaring at it, analyzing every part of it and more. He looked so beautiful when he was focused.

“I feel like shit receiving so much in this relationship and doing nothing back,” he said. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. “You know how to say the nice words, you make art of me all the time, you even were the one to call me out first”.

“Hey, you recommend me good music,” I joked. Dirk smirked. “And hey, I’m just a really… I don’t know… out-there person? You’re less of that, and that’s okay”.

“But you know I like you, right?” and I nodded. He trembled his nose as if he didn’t entirely believe me. “Like, I really do”.

“I really like you too, Dirk”.

He turned his face away, and I could notice it was getting red. Dirk’s skin was lighter than mine so you could easily tell that he was embarrassed or amused. I leaned over and kissed him on his red cheeks. He smiled even wider.

“See? Look at you again with the expressing it better than me”.

“You can kiss me back, that wouldn’t bother me”.

With a slight chuckle, Dirk grabbed me by the chin and pulled me into maybe one of the best kisses he had ever given me. His skin felt soft against mine and his nose hit the front of my glasses with a noise that made me snort. Dirk then pulled away, not opening his beautiful eyes straight away, but letting me enjoy the sight of his eyelids first.

“See? You know how to tell someone you like them through your kiss”.

“Do I?”

“Yup”. Dirk tilted his head, as if he was waiting for an explanation. “Like… the way you hold my chin, it shows you really don’t wanna let me go”.

“Artists find meaning within anything, huh?”

“Yeah, shut up”. He laughed. “Trust me, you don’t have to worry about that. I know I’m an amazing boyfriend but you’re pretty amazing too”.

It took some seconds to hit me. I had said a word I shouldn’t have, a word that didn’t make sense for us yet, and shit, I couldn’t take it back.

Dirk moved his eyebrows up, making the most surprised expression I had ever seen. All the embarrassment that I felt upon hearing my name be said in class came back, but much worse, and the feeling of not knowing what would happen next was fucking torturing. Shit, shit, shit, what would Dirk say? Or even harder, what would I say to fix the situation? There was barely anything I could do, I had already said the word. No going back, John, no going back.

I blinked my eyes, feeling like a silence had been going over for two hours. It had just been two seconds though, and Dirk was already opening his mouth, ready to be smooth and fix situations as he usually did (I hoped). I could barely hear him when he started speaking.

“Well,” he said. That sounded like a pretty bad start. Not only Dirk Strider knew what to say? That was scary.

“S-” I tried to begin, but apologizing was not the right thing to do. It was embarrassing. And so I just smiled, laughing for some reason, maybe out of awkwardness (I didn’t know what was going on). Dirk smiled back and started laughing too, except he didn’t seem uncomfortable at all.

“Ah, John. You surprise me so much,” he said. “I don’t even know what to do to you. You’re just… so different”.

“Different than what?” I was able to ask.

“Than everyone else, I mean”. He looked up, the sun in the middle of the sky. “Like, you’re different than every guy I’ve ever been with. If that makes sense. You’re bolder, and you actually care about me. And that’s nice”.

“Of course I care about you. Can’t believe anyone wouldn’t”. 

It was good that Dirk was completely ignoring the fact I had used a forbidden word. It was still embarrassing but better.

“Yeah,” and if it wasn’t already obvious by now, he had that smile on his face. The one that made me want to make that word come true. It definitely wouldn’t suck having Dirk as my actual boyfriend. “You care in a way that’s insane. You’re a great person”.

“We both are” was the only thing I was able to say. “Sorry, I’m shit at taking compliments”.

“It’s okay,” he smiled. “I’m just glad we met. I know I’ve said this before but… it’s true”.

And I knew it was stupid and reckless but with every glance he took into my eyes I just wanted to tell him already. And so I fucking did.

“I think I’m like… in love with you”.

Dirk stopped smiling. He actually didn’t react in any way, his face didn’t change much.

I didn’t know what to do, but the damage was already done (again), and once again I was waiting for the situation to unfold in front of me, my heart in my hand.

Dirk breathed in, and then he went back to smiling. He looked at the ocean, while I only listened to its noises.

“You mean that too?”

Did I? I definitely did. It was all I was thinking about, the fact that I maybe loved Dirk Strider. I wouldn’t lie about something like that, I wouldn’t just say something like that.

“Yeah”.

Yeah, he seemed to think about my answer. He hadn’t looked at me yet but I hadn’t stopped looking at his profile. I didn’t give a fuck about that ocean, and I wasn’t embarrassed anymore.

I was just being truthful. What was the harm of it?

“And…” Dirk said, and I knew he was trying to find the right words to express himself. He had said he wasn’t the best at that, and I believed him. But still. He didn’t need to say anything. “Did you bring me here to tell me this?”

“No,” I replied, honestly. “I brought you here so we could spend time together. But today I think I realized that. I don’t know”.

“And why’d you decide to tell me that right now?” he turned his head to me. “Like… what made you think this was a good moment?”

“It wasn’t?” I asked, not sure what else to reply with. “I don’t know. I just… I think there’s no reason to keep it a secret from you. You have the right to know everything that I feel for you. Don’t you agree?”

“Yeah. But once again…”

Dirk turned his head again, and I suddenly couldn’t see his eyes. My heart beat fast, waiting for the rest of that sentence.

“There you are being expressive while I just sit around and hide everything I feel for you”.

I smiled, maybe one of my least truthful smiles. I didn’t want Dirk to feel like he was failing me or something like that. And so I touched his hand that was leaning on top of the towel underneath us, trying to tell him through my touch that it didn’t matter. Nothing did.

“Well. If you really want to be more expressive, this is a good time to start”.

“Yeah?”

“I mean, I just told you I love you. I think it’s a good moment to try being honest”.

Dirk, with his smile, looked down at the sand, probably preparing what he’d say.

“Though I don’t think you’re that emotionally constipated. I think it’s just in your head”.

“Come on, John, I’m like an emotional pillow princess,” he said, making me laugh very loudly. “Fuck…”

I knew something was up. “What is it?”

“Nothing, really, I just…” he paused. “There’s a reason I’ve been having a hard time expressing myself to you”.

“There is?”

“Yeah… I’m- I’m actually moving out. Next week or so. And I didn’t want to tell you”.

Oh.

“Roxy and I were both invited by our company for a really great modeling job in Europe. We’re… probably moving there, like, forever”.

“Forever?” That couldn’t be. “I can’t visit you there, I have college and like… not enough money”.

“I know”. And it sounded in his voice like he had been dreading having that conversation. I could tell that. “That’s why I didn’t want to tell you. I knew it would complicate things between us”.

Complicate. It wouldn't just complicate it, it would absolutely ruin us. That couldn’t be true, no. That whole day couldn’t be true.

“And…” I was trying my best to find words, but finding words was so hard. I didn’t understand how writers did it, how they just knew what to say. I had no idea what I’d say to Dirk, I had no idea what I’d do.

I was now lost.

“And you waited… for me to tell you that…”

“John. I’m sorry…”

“No. That’s okay. Really. I’m not gonna get angry at you, something nice is happening. Come on, you got a job in Europe!” I did my best attempt at showing a smile, hitting him on the shoulder and pushing him away. “I’m happy for you, Dirk”.

“But… That means that we…”

“I know,” I cut him off. “But hey. We can try. Right?”

Dirk nodded, but I saw on his face that he really didn’t mean it. It was like he was hiding something from me, something really bad. But I couldn’t tell what it was.

“And I might come back. Someday. I don’t know, I… don’t really have any family here. Or anywhere. Roxy is the only person I know. So like… I depend on her. And she really wants to stay in Europe, she’s got some family in France and stuff like that…”

“I understand”.

“Yeah. I’m sorry. Really”.

“That’s okay”.

But it wasn’t. It wasn’t okay. And it was even worse because of the timing. He could’ve gone away sooner. He could’ve told me or found out sooner that he was going to have to leave forever, so that I wouldn’t… I mean. I had told him I was in love with him…

That was the worst possible moment for him to leave. Yet, it was reality. And I couldn’t do anything about it.

I noticed I was starting to hold tears back. Fuck…

“We might mean again someday, you know? Maybe you’ll become a really rich artist and move to Spain or somewhere really fancy. I don’t know! That would be nice, wouldn’t it?” He smiled, with all of his teeth. Shit, I just wanted him to stay, and not smile his perfect smile in front of me. But what else could I say? Nothing would be able to make him stay.

“Dirk. When are you leaving?” I asked, because I had the right to know when my heart would crumble. I needed to know how much longer I had until I lost someone who grew to mean the world to me, how many weeks or months I had left to breathe that air.

But from the look on Dirk’s face, I wouldn’t have weeks or months. “Next week,” he said. My expression dropped, and even though it was already bad, it got even worse.

No way. He had to be joking.

“Like… On the weekend at least?”

“On Monday”. Oh. “I’m sorry again. I should’ve told you earlier”.

“Nah. Really, it’s okay. I think I would’ve held it back too if I were you. I don’t know”.

“Yeah… I mean, it would be cruel to keep holding it now that you said… that… So…”

“Yeah”. That. He couldn’t even say it. “So like…”

“I’m sorry again”.

“What do we do now?”

He looked up. “Well. We could just enjoy this nice day on the beach… That’d be good”.

“Yeah, it would”. I couldn’t tell if my attempt at a smile was still working, but I hoped my best that it was. Dirk moved his hand on the towel so he could hold mine, and I wished he would never let it go.

A nice day on the beach with the guy I loved. That could have been so much better. It could have been perfect. But nothing was, and there was nothing I could do about that.

The way Dirk stared at me showed that he was trying to apologize once more, but through his eyes this time. I squeezed his hand to let him know that it was okay.

“I’m gonna be okay,” I said. Dirk widened his eyes as if he was startled.

“Hey, of course you are,” he replied. God, there was something about his eyes… “I’m sorry I can’t tell you what the future holds. Really”.

“Stop apologizing, please. I don’t want you to think this is your fault. And you know what, I’m glad we met. I’m glad we had our experiences together. It was nice while it lasted and that’s what matters the most”.

“Yeah,” he smiled. “I can’t believe I had such a good time with a guy who likes kids’ movies”.

“Hey!” I pushed him, and he started laughing. I was going to miss that laugh. “You still have to watch Tangled, ok? Let’s do it before Monday”.

“Okay, let’s do it. Let’s also do everything that we haven’t done yet. Let’s make a bucket list or something”.

“Ah, no, I don’t like lists,” I said. “Let’s just go with the flow. Do things our own way. Okay?”

“Hm… You don’t wanna waste any time making lists, right?”

“Hm…”

I shook my head no, but couldn’t even say a word. The tears that I had been holding back started to come out, and no amount of holding them in would be capable of doing it. I was crying in front of Dirk, closing my eyes and covering my face with my hands. He went towards me and pulled me into a hug. Probably the worst hug we had ever shared. That sucked. That whole moment sucked and I wanted it to end. But I also didn’t want to go home. I wanted to stay with Dirk. Next to him, holding him, kissing him… There was so much I was planning to do with him, so many ideas and so much love to give him. My head was spinning.

“Don’t cry, Egbert. I don’t know what to do when people cry around me,” Dirk said, rubbing my back and kissing me on the cheek.

“That’s a good- ah, way to do it”. Speaking was hard, and pretending to smile was even harder, because there was water all over my face. “Sorry. I’m probably making you feel worse about leaving. You know what? Let’s go swim”.

“What?” he pulled our hug apart. “John. We’re wearing jeans”.

“Who cares?” I stood up from where I was sitting, taking my shirt off despite the cold breeze. Dirk was looking at me as if I was crazy. “Come on!”

“John,” he shook his head, a slight smile on his mouth. “No”.

“Come oooon, you only live once, let’s do it!” I grabbed his hand, pulling him to stand up, and he tried to get away. “Come on, come on!”

I pulled him into a kiss and he put his hands on my chin (as he always did). Dirk kissed me back while giggling, I could feel his mouth trembling against mine. When we pulled away, he still didn’t look convinced.

“Come on,” I started pulling his shirt up. Dirk allowed me to, being only in his binder and jeans.

“John”.

“Dirk, let’s do this”. I started walking backwards to where the ocean was, Dirk holding my hand.

“You’re insane”.

“No, you’re just uptight. Come”.

Dirk then shot me a big smile, as he shrugged and started walking with me. I couldn’t hide how glad I was, and we both started racing each other to the water, both yelling and smiling at each other.

He arrived there first, walking straight into the water and getting his hair wet instantly. I was still scared by the cold even though it had been my idea, but I followed slowly behind him, having my breath taken away when we rose up from the water, soaking wet and with his hair pulled back.

He opened his eyes and they were dripping, and I swear I never saw him look so attractive. Dirk’s forehead was completely showing and I wanted to kiss him there, just as I wanted to kiss him everywhere. I watched his smile, and his wet skin and hair, and then he started laughing.

“What?” I asked. He pointed at me.

“You forgot to take off your glasses”.

“Ah, shit”.

Dirk wouldn’t stop laughing. I started swimming in his direction, then grabbed his hand and pulled him into a kiss. “Underwater kiss?” he whispered into my mouth, then diving us both into the water. Trying not to laugh or lose my breath I kissed him underneath the cold water, my lips wishing to stay on his forever. We went back up, and Dirk said: “wow, kissing underwater is overrated!”

“It is!” I laughed. The heat of his body was really helping me not die from hypothermia (just like Jack and Rose again, so romantic). “You know… You’re making me pretty happy for a guy who’s going to break my heart soon…”

Dirk smiled, but I’m sure it was a fake smile. “Come on… I want you to have happy last memories of me. Don’t focus on the bad”.

“Glad that it happened and not sad that it’s over, right?”

“Yeah, that shit exactly”. I snorted. “Hey. I’ll try to send pictures every day”.

“Okay. And I’ll… mail you my art or something. I don’t know”. Was I being stupid? Probably. But what could I do? I had fallen hard for that man.

“Okay, I’ll be waiting…” He kissed me again. “You know, it’s getting kinda late. Wanna pack up, dry a little, and then take me home? We could do something fun tomorrow?”

“I have class tomorrow but… I can definitely skip”. He looked at me with a “are you sure?” expression. “That’s okay, you’re more worth it”.

“I really am,” he nodded. “Let’s go then?”

“Yeah”.

And so we left the ocean, Dirk waving goodbye to it. While we were out drying we kissed a lot (and I mean: a lot) and then we finally got into the car, ready to go home and be by ourselves.

I couldn’t believe all of that was happening so fast. Dirk’s presence in my life had been so temporary, yet he had made me so much happier than I already was. I didn’t know who to thank, or if I even could thank anyone. The fact that it was leaving hurt though, and I really didn’t want to let him go. As I left him at his house, I cried again. Not because he was leaving this time. But because he had never said it back. He never told me he loved me back.

Maybe it was his problem with expression. But it still hurt. It hurt a lot, and my heart was pounding out of my chest with pain, embarrassment, and a little bit of regret.

Arriving at home I saw my sister. She usually came home earlier than I did. “What’s wrong?” Jade asked instantly. “Is it that obvious?” I said back.

And when she shot me those puppy eyes, I couldn’t hold it back. I started crying for the second time on that day, but that time, much more. Dirk wasn’t there anymore, I had nothing to hide. Jade held me tightly and wouldn’t let me go until I pulled away. When I did, she waited for an explanation.

“You know Dirk?”

“Yeah. Weren’t you gonna ask him today? To be your boyfriend?”

I nodded, tears still rolling down my cheeks. “Oh,” Jade said, realizing.

At least I would always have his drawings. If I never got to see him again, then I could always look into his eyes just by looking inside a drawer or something. And if he never came back, then maybe I’d see him on the front page of a magazine or in the back of a movie, I didn’t know what the future held. I just knew that all I wanted for it to hold was Dirk. He was all I wanted.

And at least we still had some days together. I'd do my best to enjoy them, even if that man didn't love me back.