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It had been hours since he’d shot the rifle, but Vax’s hands still shook.
When the tree had gone down, suddenly all he could think of was Ripley’s bullets piercing through Percy’s body, how much force had gone through his brother to end his life. And he knew, logically, that Percy was still there, still breathing, still very much alive, but gods…
If a bullet can do that much to a tree what did it feel like when Percy had been shot?
The thought made him sick to his stomach.
It frightened him.
Had Percy been in pain when Ripley shot him? How much pain had he been in when he made the deal with Orthax that he felt that a weapon like that was necessary?
He’d never asked.
Though he supposed that his sister’s affectionate whispers of “Sineath” into Percy’s ears every so often made a little bit more sense, the more that he thought about it.
Percy had forgiven Ripley, that much Vax remembered with a horrifying clarity of a day that he did not like to recall. He had somehow forgiven Ripley for all the pain she had caused him, though Vax was still not entirely sure what the particulars were. He wasn’t sure he ever wanted to know.
But talking about how the guns were his biggest shame…it was clear that Percy had not yet forgiven himself.
If anything, this made Vax angrier. It wasn’t Percy’s fault, he’d been preyed on by the Briarwoods, and by Ripley, and by Orthax…
He’d seen Percival’s scars when they went to Dalen’s Closet. He’d seen how nervous Percy was, hesitating to take off his shirt when they first got to the beach. It had taken some coaxing from Vex to get Percy to join them in the sun, but even then, it took him a while to relax.
Now Vax really knew why.
The bullet wound scars, still pink and puckered, stood out against the expanse of Percy’s alabaster skin. Even the silvery scars along the rest of Percy’s body seemed to disappear in the sun, but not the bullet wounds. They stood out proudly, a reminder of what Percy had been put through and the cost of what had happened to Percy in order for him to survive.
And suddenly, remembering how many scars Percy had and how much force the bullet had gone through the tree, Vax began to weep.
He wept for the boy Percival had been, he wept for the man Percy had become, and he wept once again that their family had not been enough to protect him from Ripley a second time.
Sliding against the wall, Vax buried his face against his hands, trying to muffle his cries.
It felt silly to sob like this, knowing that Percy was alive and well somewhere in the castle. But suddenly imagining all that force passing through Percy’s body especially was more than he could bear. And still, Percy blamed himself for the creation of the weapons and held himself with such reproach and self-recrimination.
“Vax?” Percy had turned the corner. “Vax, are you quite all right?”
Fuck.
He couldn’t get the words out to try and reassure Percy away, he just let out another strangled sob.
“What is it?”
Vax didn’t pick up his head, but he heard the rush of Percy’s footsteps, and felt Percy’s hands on his shoulders. “Vax, what hurts?” he pleaded, his hands frantically checking what he could. “Was it the rifle? Fuck, Vex is going to kill me if I got you hurt—”
Vax just surged forward and pulled Percy into a tight hug. Percy flinched at first—still getting used to unexpected affection on some days—but quickly relaxed into it. “What is it? What’s wrong?” Percy murmured worriedly.
“You died,” Vax choked out. “Those things killed you.”
He couldn’t see Percy’s face, but he could feel the change in Percy’s body language. Even after all this time, Vax knew that Percy was still reconciling just how loved he was and how much he mattered to the group. The stiffness of his shoulders, the soft movement of his eyebrows upward in surprise.
“Goodness, is that all that’s got you upset? Just some bullets?” Percy teased affectionately, wrapping his arms around Vax. “Well, there’s no need to cry over something as small as that.”
“You’re a dick,” Vax grumbled, giving Percy a little shove away. “Here I am worrying about you—"
“Never mind that. I am here to worry about, after all. Regardless of what those bullets did,” Percy said gently, sitting across the floor from Vax.
“They ripped through a tree…Grog took down a fucking tree, and Ripley she…she shot you. Again and again…and…fuck,” Vax whispered, staring at the floor, his hands going back to his hair. He didn’t watch Percy move, but felt when Percy sat beside him, gently nudging him with his shoulder.
“It never occurred to me…just how powerful those things were until I shot it. Until Grog took down that tree.” Vax knew that the tears had started again, but this time Percy just shifted closer, keeping himself in contact with Vax. “How much damage they could do. How much damage they did…”
“Now you see why they are my greatest shame,” Percy replied, not looking at Vax either. “Why I hate myself so much for ever succumbing to making them.” He pulled his knees to his chest, looking down at the floor just like Vax was. He smiled sardonically before he added, “I still will use them. And…I understand if that impacts your judgment of me.”
Vax looked up at Percy wildly, before pulling him tight into another hug. Percy squeezed his eyes shut, relaxing into the hold as he returned it. Percy went to pull away first, but Vax cupped the back of Percy’s head, pressing their foreheads together for a moment. “No, it does not change my opinion of you. You are still my brother and I love you.”
Percy stayed for a moment longer, wiping Vax’s tears away, before pulling away so he could look Vax in the eye. “I am still alive,” he murmured. “And I…I want to live as long a life as I can. So I can be a better man for Vex. A better friend to Vox Machina. A better brother to Cass…and you. I am not done yet. We are not done yet. And I will spend as much time as I’ve got making up for the horrible thing I’ve done by bringing these things into the world.”
His eyes flashed with an earnestness that exposed his age for a brief moment, and Vax had to swallow the lump in his throat again. Suddenly, he’d been thrust back to that moment in Ank’harel, when the most confident person he knew nearly crumble upon discovering that Ripley was alive.
Vax could so clearly recall the heaviness in Percy’s tone and the darkness that only comes from memories too horrific to share out loud when Percy declared Ripley to be the worst person in the world. And for Percy to take on that blame because of what Ripley had done to him…it infuriated him.
“I know that you feel like you did this,” Vax rasped. “But…I just…I’m...” His hand clenched into a fist, his shoulders beginning to shake a little bit. “Angry on your behalf.”
“Whatever for?” Percy asked, both genuinely surprised and confused.
Vax nearly hit him, but then reminded himself that he was not frustrated with Percy, merely frustrated with what happened to Percy. Percy had spent so much time in self-loathing that it probably hadn’t even occurred to him to place the blame where it truly belonged.
Yes, Ripley’s name had been on the list so that Percy could get revenge on what had been done to him. But getting revenge and understanding where blame truly lied when reflecting on circumstance were two entirely different things.
And Vax wasn’t sure Percy knew that yet, as smart as he was.
“I’m angry because of what Ripley did to you that makes you shy away from us sometimes!” he hissed. “Because, fuck, you were a child and she just had no qualms about hurting you and torturing you. And it makes me wish we could revive her so we could kill her again.”
“Well don’t do that,” Percy said mildly.
“And then Orthax targeted you because you were in pain and vulnerable and hurting! I am angry because you feel the need to blame yourself for what happened to you when you were at your lowest, when Orthax and Ripley saw that and manipulated you for their gain.”
“Your Patron told me that it was because I was always broken,” Percy replied quietly, and there was no humor to his voice. “And if I am honest, it is…one of the things that I am angry about.” Shaking his head, he turned back to look at Vax. “But go on, we were talking about what made you so angry that you felt crying over me was necessary.”
Vax choked on a laugh, nudging Percy with his shoulder. “Don’t phrase it like that, weirdo.” He then sighed, his anger deflating somewhat as he continued to explain. “I am angry because of that woman and how we kept having to bring you back until we had nothing left and I just--” Vax let out a frustrated growl as the tears pricked his eyes again. “No one fucks with my family.”
Percy gently slung his arm around Vax’s shoulder, gently tapping his head against Vax’s. “But you all killed her,” he reminded Vax. “And removed Orthax from existence. And you all saved me. And for that, I could not be more grateful to have a family like Vox Machina. But--”
“How could there possibly be a ‘but’ in there, Freddie?”
“But,” Percy continued. “You don’t have time to worry about me.” He smiled at Vax. “Especially not when your sister has already done a fantastic job of it.” Vax began to bristle again, but Percy pressed forward, “I do appreciate your love and concern, Vax. Truly. But it does no good if you are mad about the injustices done to me. I…these are things that I have been struggling to heal from and have really only just started the healing from. Let me feel these things, Vax. I’ve…I’ve kept them from myself long enough.”
Vax looked at Percy for a long while. “A year has done a lot to you.”
“Yes,” Percy said. “And I know the minute we pick up where we left off, the minute that the Raven Queen comes to collect…I will put the hurt back in a box where it belongs so that I can keep you all safe.”
“The hell you will,” Vax replied indignantly. “When you are hurting you will come to my sister. Or me. Or Pike. Or…just…anyone, Percy. You can’t keep hurt locked inside like that. Not from the people who love you. Did you not learn a thing from losing Scanlan?”
Percy’s jaw clenched and his eyes flashed like a cold steel. “No,” he said coldly. “I don’t believe I did. I don’t believe I want to.” His shoulders took a tense line, and for a moment, Vax could see the cold look of a nobleman that his own father had so often worn.
While the countenance had looked quite natural on Percival when they’d first met him, it certainly did not match the Percy they’d come to know.
And while Percy had mentioned that what the Raven Queen had said to him was one thing that made him angry, Vax was sure that he was about to find out another thing that made Percy furious.
“What I have learned about sharing my burdens has come from the love I have for Vex’ahlia, and the promises we have made to each other to try and be better. The work she and I have done for ourselves and each other to make sure that we can not only survive but flourish.” Percy’s tone was clipped and still icy as ever. “The night that man left us showed me nothing more than what a cruel person he can be, and that perhaps there are parts of me that maybe will never change.”
Percy’s fingers began to drum against his knee, his posture deflating slightly. “I know Vex would be disappointed to hear me say this…but his offense is one I cannot forgive.”
“Because of what he said about you?” Vax asked incredulously. “Percy, we all know that you coming to Whitestone was about your revenge and liberating your home. We signed up for it. You can’t be so insecure about that to be angry with Scanlan still for what he said.”
Percy looked appalled and downright furious for a moment. A sneer passed over his face as he moved away from Vax. “Well, it’s good to see you think so lowly of me that I would be so vain to hold a grudge over what he said to me,” he said crisply. He stood up abruptly, turning around to head out. “If you must know…the offense I cannot forgive is what he said to Vex .”
Percy perhaps thought he was too quick to hide the hurt that flashed in his eyes, but Vax saw it and immediately felt chagrined. “Wait.” Vax surged forward to take Percy’s hand, urging him to sit back down. “Talk to me. Tell me what you’re thinking. I want to understand where you’re coming from. You helped me. Let me help you.”
Percy looked back over his shoulder, his eyes still blazing with anger and mistrust. He took in a few slow, deep breaths before his features softened and he sat beside Vax again. Vax silently nudged his head against Percy’s in apology, and Percy tapped his head back as a show of forgiveness.
“Tell me,” Vax encouraged again.
“He…” Percy took another deep breath, choosing to take his time with his words. “Your father is a bastard,” he started, the contempt flaring back up in his eyes again.
Vax laughed a little bit and placed his head on Percy’s shoulder. “Tell me something I don’t know.”
Vax’s laugh got a surprised little chuckle out of Percy and Vax was relieved to see a genuine smile flit across Percy’s face. “Yes, I suppose you do know…” he murmured affectionately. “I…” He ran a hand through his hair. “Your sister…she…she came to me the night before we met with your father.”
His eyes clouded over as he recalled their conversation. “I…Vex has always been one of the most…self-assured people I’ve ever known. And for your father to make her feel her—to make you both—feel that small…I…” He looked up almost helplessly and his hands twitched as if he was reaching for Vex right then.
“It was that moment that I realized…I would do anything to ensure her happiness. To make sure that she never felt small again,” Percy said softly. “Even if she never returned my feelings, it was that moment that I knew I would commit myself to her happiness for the rest of my days. The arrows and everything before was—”
“Flirting?” Vax interrupted.
“Honestly? Yes,” Percy laughed, still holding that tender note to it. He looked down at his hands for a moment again. “It is no small thing to stand eye to eye with the person that made you feel like you’re nothing. And believe me, I would know. Never mind that us meeting with your father was so that we could get a vestige…to diminish the bravery it took on both of your parts to even be in the same room as your father…and you did that for us. For the world. You and Vex both have so much love to give...that for Scanlan to say that you didn’t love him. I…”
Percy sighed again, dropping his head to his hands. “It is one thing for Scanlan to say that I am selfish and deplorable. Those things are true.”
“I don’t know that Scanlan knows the meaning of the word ‘deplorable’,” Vax replied in a deadpan voice and the corner of Percy’s mouth twitched upward in a smile. “But you’re not either of those things.”
“If I am not, he is…not wrong to doubt that I cared about him,” Percy replied quietly. “I am not very good at showing my care for people. After trying to keep everyone out for so long, I am trying…” He rested his head in his palm now his fingers curled up as they braced themselves against the top of his forehead.
“But Vex? Scanlan did not see her then, did not have to hear the way her voice broke when she talked about Syngorn. Scanlan has not seen her this past year, the way she has to build herself up every time she goes to see your father. And so…for all his posturing that we did not know him and that we never even took the time to know him…to say what he did means he does not know Vex. He doesn’t understand her.”
“And being a hypocrite makes him irredeemable? Because if so, Freddy, then I’m about to hold a mirror up to your face cuz you just told me I wasn’t allowed to be angry about your past anymore. And here you are practically foaming at the mouth because of what he said to Vex.”
“I didn’t say he was irredeemable,” Percy answered immediately, his head snapping out of his hand so he could look at Vax intently. “I’m just not ready to forgive him. In all honestly, I probably will forgive him if he ever comes back. I know it is not my slight to forgive. I know that Vex has already let it go.”
He became more serious and contemplative, if at all possible. “I…for now, my hurt over that night hasn’t healed, because…because she is my heart. And I know how much her relationship with your father hurts her. Anything that hurts my heart makes me angry.” He gave Vax a little grin. “It is where I keep all the best parts of me, after all. It is the thing I treasure most in this life. I would die before I let anything hurt it.”
With a proud grin, he added, “But god, watching you both claim your place in the world in spite of your father has truly been an honor to witness and has helped bring a peace I didn’t know I needed for you both.”
And suddenly Vax understood what Percy meant and felt his own anger at Ripley slowly begin to dissipate. It was not all the way gone, nor was Percy’s disdain for Syldor or his anger with Scanlan, but the more that Percy healed, the better Vax knew he would feel.
Deciding that they’d had enough of a serious conversation for the day, Vax groaned loudly, leaning his head back against the wall with a thunk . “My gods, you’re a sap.”
“Says the man who was crying over me not that long ago.”
“I hate you.”
A shit-eating grin crossed Percy’s face. “You don’t.”
Vax stood up, offering his hand to Percy. “Gods, how does Cassandra even put up with you? I bet you’re a right pain in her ass as well.” He took Percy’s hand and helped pull him up.
“Mmm, the stories I’m sure she’d love to share with you…” Vax’s eyebrow quirked in interest. Percy slung his arm over Vax’s shoulder as they walked down the castle hall. “But something that can wait, I think, until we’ve dealt with our dear Pike’s family.”
“Oh, believe me, I look forward to it.” Vax was grinning again, his eyes dancing with mischievous glee.
“I’d expect no less,” Percy replied. He paused thoughtfully before giving Vax a playful shove. “Besides, Vex’ahlia has told me quite some entertaining stories about you. I should share them with Kiki or Gilmore sometime.”
And he took off sprinting, hollering, “Kiki! Oh, Kiki!”
“You wouldn’t!” Vax gasped, tearing off after him.
Somehow, watching Percy run through the halls of the castle with that exuberant look on his face was enough to remind Vax that his brother was here.
Alive and determined to make the most of it.
And the joy that surged through Vax was brighter than the sun itself just to see it so.