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Dick doesn't know what he expected to see when he got to the area from which both Bruce and Tim had activated their emergency beacons, but it certainly wasn't this. He had all these fears in his mind of Bruce and Tim bleeding and dying, of one of them holding the other's cold body in his arms.
No, what he sees is a big ass dog crawling out from the Batman uniform and the tiniest, cutest, fluffiest kitten crawling out from the Robin uniform. Dick has been around enough animal transformations to know what’s going on, and he can't stop the smile that crosses his face.
Holy shit, Bruce and Tim are animals.
Holy shit, they're adorable .
He prays that this transformation lasts long enough to take a picture. He bends down quickly to scoop up the tiny ball of fluff that can only be Tim. Big blue eyes, black fur, fuck this kitten is small enough to have a Christmas tree tail. He squeaks as Dick picks him up, and he can't contain the gasp that falls out of him. Tim fits into the palm of one hand, but Dick carefully moves to grab the Batcloak and wrap him up into the thick fur so he won't be cold. Tim continues to squeak, and Dick has no idea why. He just doesn't want him to stop.
He looks at Bruce next and tilts his head. He could probably grab and grapple Bruce off the building, but it would be awkward as fuck. And he needs to get their uniforms off the building.
But there's no staircase and no sign of the incredible sorcerer that did this to them, so Dick feels at a loss for ideas right now. He just knows that he doesn't want to let Tim go.
Another squeak leaves Tim, and Dick looks down to find him trying to reach his paws out, but being turned into such a young kitten has done hell to his coordination. But not to his cuteness. Oh no, not to his cuteness.
Okay, Dick uses baby talk around adorable animals. It's not unusual. But Dick would appreciate it if Bruce would stop giving him such a judging look at that.
He's just jealous that he can't snuggle the adorable Timmy kitty.
He manages to find a collapsible bag in Bruce's belt, and it fits everything in it except the cape that has Tim all bundled up inside it. He fixes it around his shoulder and then looks at Bruce.
Bruce looks up at him. He doesn't know what the hell kind of breed Bruce is, but it's just a big dog. And this is not going to be fun, but well, Dick can do this.
He manages to get Bruce in one arm, the bag over his shoulder, and Tim needs to be in Bruce's arms. Is that what Dick should be calling them? Legs? Paws? He doesn't know; Bruce just has them both around Tim. Both look terrified, and honestly, Dick doesn't appreciate it.
But this is going to be done on hope and prayer.
A tremendous prayer.
He jumps, and they fall, Dick shooting his grapple precisely the right moment, keeping Bruce tight in his arms. It's a heart-racing three minutes before he's able to land an alley and put down Bruce and grab Tim, making sure that Tim wasn't hurt by it at all.
The little guy just squeaks at him.
Dick wonders if he can get away with blowing a raspberry into his belly.
Probably not, but he's going to keep it in mind.
He calls the Batmobile and then looks down at Bruce. "So, will you allow Oliver and Hal to live down being turned into hamsters?"
Bruce woofs.
"I'll take that as a no."
*
The Batmobile doesn't take long to get at their alley, and Bruce pounces into it immediately.
Tim squeaks in what Dick thinks is in delight as the warm air of the car hits him, but it doesn't make him leave his lovely cape.
"Baby bird, you are too fucking cute." Dick tilts his head. "Or is it baby kitty now? I really have no idea." He kisses the top of Tim's head and loves the little squeak that falls out of him. But then, the most fantastic thing in the world happens. Tim licks the tip of Dick's nose and begins to purr.
His heart grows. He can't get past this. It's the most fantastic thing that he's heard, and he's heard so many amazing things in his life. But Tim purring in Dick's palm as he tries to get warm is hands down the best thing he's ever heard in his entire fucking life. Bruce is looking at him at what Dick knows is jealousy, and Dick takes a deep breath. If this does not prove his love to Bruce, he has no idea what will. So he places Tim, the most minor, most cutest thing in the world, right next to Bruce's paw, and Bruce immediately starts grooming him.
Holy shit. That's the cutest thing in the world. Dick doesn't think this is precisely how it works, and Tim goes back to squeaking immediately. Bruce frowns and then goes back to it. Tim is getting drool all over his face, but Bruce doesn't stop, probably because he thinks this is what someone in charge of a kitten is supposed to be doing.
Tim looks up at Dick with the most betrayed eyes, but he can't stop it. So instead, he just makes sure to enable the Batmobile cameras so that this moment can live on in infamy.
Bruce grooms Tim back home and into the Cave. Dick only takes Tim away to pick him up and carry him because he doesn't trust a Timmy this small in a place so big. The poor Robin looks unhappy because Bruce just tried to groom him, fighting to get out of Dick’s grip, but Tim is the most petite kitten, and Dick is a big guy. So Tim does not win here.
Tim can be calmed down by scratching behind his ears and getting the motor running.
Dick honestly can't figure out what's the cuter sound. Tim squeaking or Tim purring?
"Come on, B," he whistles, and his father ruffs at how he probably found that demeaning, but Bruce still follows him. "I think a bath is in order for you two."
Bruce, honest to God, whines, and it's hilarious, but he still follows after Dick because he's not an actual dog right now; he just looks like one. Dicktakes them up to his bedroom, which is against Alfred's orders of taking off his uniform before he goes upstairs, but Alfred is in England right now, and he'll forgive them this one time. He turns on his bath and gestures for Bruce to get inside, but that only leaves the question of the very small Timmers.
The itty-bitty Timmy.
He glances at the sink and smiles. "Bruce, I'll take care of you in just a moment."
He turns on the sink, stops it, and very carefully places Tim in the warm water, grabbing his shampoo. "Don't worry, Timmy, we're going to get that disgusting Bruce doggy drool off you." Tim squeaks and bats his hand, and Dick can't help but coo. Bruce ruffs, affronted. "We're just going to ignore him though. We're just going to focus on pampering the Timmy." He scratches Tim's head, the shampoo lathering up, and smiles when Tim starts to purr, his little mouth opening in his happiness. He only stops so that he can turn to the bathtub and turn off the water, squirting some more of his shampoo into the tub. "Be with ya in a moment, B," Dick says, before turning back to Timmy, who has one paw reached out for Dick. He wants his big brother to come back and make sure he gets all nice and clean and warm, and Dick can do that.
And good God, a wet kitty Tim with his fur a little matted and sticking up is far too cute. Dick dries him off, and Tim mewls as he gets all toasty warm. It ends with Dick setting Tim on the counter as he turns to Bruce, who's waiting patiently for his bath, and Dick can't be mean. "Alright, Bruce. We're going to do this, and we're not going to talk about this." He turns to Tim. "What we'll talk about is how cute Timmy looks."
Bruce woofs, and Dick knows that the older man (dog?) agrees to his words perfectly. Tim doesn't even notice. He's already sound asleep, his little face planted into the towel. Dick's heart is going to burst. He turns to look at Bruce. "I have no idea how he got to be so cute. But look at that. How could he get any cuter?"
Tim sneezes.
Oh fuck.
Dick feels like someone shot him through the heart with the pure, unadulterated cuteness in front of him. Sneezing, kitty Tim is more than worth having to bathe his father while he's a dog. This vision is worth everything in the world. He manages to wipe off his towel and grab his phone, recording in just enough time to get video evidence of Tim sneezing three more times, and Dick feels like he's been truly blessed.
God might be real.
"Tim, do you know how cute you are?" he whispers. "Like, truly?" He whirls the camera around to catch Bruce, who pays Dick no mind and just has all his attention focused on Tim. Sleepy, Christmas tree, sneezing kitty Tim. Dick knows how he feels. He finishes washing Bruce up, then takes a shower and gets into his clothes in record time. Bruce spends the entire time unmoving, watching Tim with the most intent and desperate expression. It's like if he blinks, Tim will go away, and Dick understands that feeling. He feels it himself.
He actually can't believe that Tim is still there when he's ready to get into bed, but the baby bird is still a happy kitty, sound asleep on the counter, and he doesn't even wake up when Dick carefully picks him up. Instead, he just gives a soft kitty sigh and snuggles into Dick's neck, and he wants to die from pure happiness.
Dick carefully walks to his bed, Bruce following him, and Dick won't deny him. He used to sleep in Bruce's bed all the time when he was a little kid, still traumatized over losing his parents, and he can understand, objectively as cute as this transformation has been, how traumatizing it must be. So he slides underneath his covers and pats a spot on the bed for Bruce to jump.
He's glad that Bruce doesn't even hesitate.
But now he's trying to figure out what he's doing with Timmy. The little guy's so tiny that he's honestly afraid that he might crush him. So he carefully places Tim on the pillow next to him but makes sure that a little bit of his blanket is covering Tim. He doesn't want his little brother to get cold.
All Tim does is let out a yawn and then cover his face with one paw, sending Dick into one long string of "awwwwww" that he physically can't stop.
He just doesn't understand how one cat can be so cute and how Tim can be so adorable. It's ridiculous, and he loves it.
He still finds it so hard to fall asleep, but Bruce has his watchful eye on Tim, and Dick manages to find it within himself to drift into a calm sleep for once, his hand right next to Tim, who butts his hand against him, sending Dick off with a smile.
*
Waking up is hard to do, especially when it involves waking up to see Tim still asleep next to him, still ridiculously cute, and Bruce having migrated up to plant his muzzle right next to Tim, softly snoring.
How is it possible that Bruce's snoring is better as a dog than a human? He doesn't get him.
The sunlight is streaming in through his blinds, and it strikes Dick how normal this can appear. A young man is waking up in bed with his pets.
Not his magically transformed father and brother.
He stretches as he slides more into waking, knowing that he's not going to be able to go back to sleep. He rolls out of bed, getting ready for the day, and Bruce and Tim just continue to sleep. Of course, they do. They’re animals now, which means they'll spend 80% of their time sleeping. But all he has to do is pick up Tim, who lets out a disgruntled "Mmrph," which wakes up Bruce. His father immediately jumps to baring his teeth and growling because Bruce does not think that maybe he doesn't need to act aggressively at every single turn.
Dick just has to shoot him a glare, though, and Bruce stops, and he looks almost bashful. Dick carries Tim downstairs, who decides that he doesn't actually have to be awake for this and is already fast asleep. Bruce pads behind him.
It's a quick Google search to figure out what he can feed them and then deliver to their mouths. He doesn't want to torment them with dog food and cat food, and he can give them meat for now. He texts Zatanna a picture of them with prayer hands for her to come over as soon as possible. He does everything that a good son and big brother should do.
And then he goes looking for it. He thought of the idea in the shower, and it's been growing in his mind ever since. Finally, he knows where it should be, and it only takes five minutes before locating it. He stares at it while Tim and Bruce find themselves getting comfortable in the living room. He could show love and kindness and take mercy on them.
Dick's kindness has limits.
He flicks on the laser pointer, and he aims. It takes a minute because both Bruce and Tim resist the temptation, but they can't fight forever. Bruce is the first paw on the red dot. Tim perks up, standing up on his little legs to look at the red dot. He jumps, his little body only just covering that big paw. The red dot is still there, and Dick knows that the game is on.
The living room is run over by a huge Bruce trying and failing to get that red dot with the same determination to hunt down crime in Gotham. But, of course, Tim is following, squeaking as he tries to get the red dot using all his guile. It's freaking adorable.
And Dick is getting this all on camera because this is prime material, material that he's going to keep on him until he needs to show it. Or when he needs a laugh, because good God, this is the best thing ever. He can barely breathe; he’s laughing so hard, clutching his stomach as Bruce and Tim dance around the living room.
Bruce is trying so hard not to crash into Tim just as much as he's trying to get the red light, and Tim doesn't care at all, but he's so tiny that it hardly even matters. So Dick just stands in the living room, making sure that the camera is getting every single second of this because this will become so many Christmas viewings that it's ridiculous.
Of course, something has to go wrong. Bruce ends up tripping over the carpet and barreling into Tim, who's like a hundredth the size of Bruce, causing Dick to have a fucking heart attack because he just murdered his little brother. His sweet, innocent little brother hasn't done anything wrong and has been so cruelly, adorably trapped in the form of a kitten.
Then the little guy meows, and both Dick and Bruce breathe a giant sigh of relief. Dick turns off the laser, planning on cutting the crash out of the footage if it doesn't become funny in two days. Bruce picks up Tim delicately by the scruff of his neck, and though a mouthful of Tim, he woofs at Dick in disappointment.
Tim just meows again, and Dick is pretty sure that he's just upset that he can't play with the red light anymore.
Bruce walks to the couch and places Tim carefully, jumping up and wrapping himself around Tim, still looking at Dick in disappointment.
Why does Dick feel worse for Bruce looking at him like that when the older man is a dog and not a human?
Dick turns off the camera and puts the laser pointer away with a sigh. He'll just have to find a new way to amuse himself. He turns towards them, wondering what he's doing now, and then realizes that they are in animal bodies.
They will sleep all day if they are allowed to do so. Tim is already asleep, and Bruce is not far behind him, trying to keep a careful watch on his son, but his dog brain is quickly pulling him into the embrace of sleep.
Dick has to take a picture of this. He can't help himself; it’s just so freaking cute. So cute. The cutest thing ever. It's-
"When did you get a dog?" Dick jumps, turning around wildly to see Helena standing behind him with her arms crossed on her chest and a frown on her face.
Oh fuck.
*
Five minutes later, Helena is sitting with Bruce's head in her lap as she scratches his head; Tim curled up in her other arm and is staring at Dick with a look of complete and utter disapproval.
"I don't know why I believe you," she states, "but somehow I do." She glances down. "Both Babs and Alfred are going to be upset that they missed this," she warns.
Dick knows that. It's the biggest reason he's unsure if he should let them see his recordings and pictures. Dick's pretty sure they might actively try to kill him from sheer jealousy. He just shrugs, though, because Bruce feels it’s okay to show his embarrassing school photographs when he thought the rattail was an underappreciated fashion choice. Tim steals his coffee constantly and then has the gall to give him decaf. Dick's the lucky bastard that can enjoy this in all its extraordinary cuteness and have ammunition for the future. He's still wanting for Zatanna's response, but he doubts this will be permanent, even if there's a bit of delay in waiting for it to wear off.
And speak of the goddess, his phone rings with a message alert that she has no idea what the hell goes on in Gotham, but she would appreciate it if it would stop, and then that she'll be there in two hours.
Two hours. No big deal. Bruce and Tim will sleep the time away; they’re already sleeping now. It’s all going to work out perfectly fine. Helena even looks a little better when he tells her that, her brow smoothing out as she nods.
She doesn't hand back Tim or Bruce to him, though, which he thinks is mean of her, and he doesn't understand. Who exactly hurt her?
(Eventually, he gets his way next to Bruce, a hand on Tim as Helena was kind enough to put him on top of Bruce, and adorably, Tim is now using Bruce as his bed without a care in the world. Finally, Helena falls asleep, and Dick is not long behind her because it's on days like these that Dick can forget about the fucked up mess that is his life.)
*
He wakes up to Zatanna roughly shaking him awake, staring down at him with a frustrated expression as she gestures to the animals. "Really, Dick? Really? " She sighs. "How is it always you?"
He shrugs sheepishly, and despite herself, her mouth quirks up as she looks back down at the sleeping animals. "I will admit they are adorable." She brushes her hand on Tim's fur, and the little guy just curls more into himself, burying his nose into the tight pocket that he's making for himself. "And so soft!"
She picks Tim up and looks at him with careful eyes. He opens his eyes to look at her but recognizes her enough that he feels comfortable falling back asleep. All he does is open his little mouth to yawn, and Dick can see the moment that Zatanna realizes that she will die for him.
It's a great moment; he loves seeing people realize it.
She whispers some words, and the next thing Dick knows, a blue mist has come from somewhere, encasing both him and Bruce as she works her magic. Literally. It's only a few minutes before she stops, but Dick can stop staring at her in a daze, blown away by her power.
Helena sleeps through the entire thing.
Very carefully, the blue mist dissipates as soon as she's done with her words, handing Tim back over to Dick. "You have four hours for Bruce to change back, I would say twelve for Tim. He must have been closer and it's location dependent. Otherwise, they should both be perfectly fine, so I suggest taking all the photographic proof you need of this event." She bites her lip. "And send me everything."
"You're not staying?" he asks, and she shakes her head. "I would love to, but I was in the middle of something." He grins in apology. For all her bluster and frustration, Dick knows that Zatanna wouldn't drop everything she was doing if she didn't honestly care about people, especially the Bats. But, of course, they’re friends, which is why Dick feels safe enough to wrap her into an encompassing hug, holding her tightly and burying his face in her hair. She laughs as she claps his back, and the sound of it brings more joy to Dick than anything except the cuteness of kitty Tim has this past week.
Helena wakes up just as Zatanna's leaving and just grabs Tim from Dick's arms and the blanket over the couch before lying on her side, obviously content to keep on snuggling, with or without Dick.
It looks like she prefers without Dick.
Dick can't say that he blames her.
He stomps up the stairs, getting things ready for when Bruce changes back in four hours because he does not want to see his father's naked body. But, no, that would not be fun for anyone involved, so he grabs clothes that he plans to have on him for the next four hours until the horror happens and they can move on with their life.
*
Between Helena, Tim, and Bruce, the next four hours spent sleeping on the couch, and Dick can't bring himself to disturb any of them. She has one arm slung over Bruce's body, and one arm curled around Tim, and she's snoring, and Dick makes sure that they're all nice and tucked in. It's what they deserve.
He sits on the couch, going through case files of Bruce's that he grabbed in the cave, making sure to point out every obvious thing that the older man overlooked. He's solved three of them and made significant progress on seven more by the time he hears Bruce whining, a whine that sounds like one of pain. He jumps up immediately and hoists Bruce into his arms with a second thought.
He just has no idea where to go. Then, finally, Helena is awake herself, holding Tim close to her body, who's looking at them both with fear as his mind whirls with what he needs to do. "I think he's changing back," he whispers, and Helena blinks.
"His bedroom," she says suddenly, and Dick nods, rushing upstairs and to his room to put Bruce in, hoping that he's going to turn out okay. He places him gently on the bed as the sounds of pain get higher, turning around because he highly doubts that Bruce will be coming back clothed. Helena is standing out right outside the door, keeping a squirming Tim close to her body, closing her eyes, and keeping a hand over Tim's as they listen to Bruce's whines get higher and higher. Then lower, more human, something close to screams, and then a loud "son of a motherfucking bitch " as what he can only assume is the transformation complete as he hears a loud groan. Then the sounds of Bruce standing up.
"You back?" Dick asks, and Bruce groans.
"Yeah, give me a minute to get clothes on," and Dick nods as he listens to drawers opening and closing, and then a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to see Bruce, normal if looking like he just got run through the blender, his hair a mess and stubble on his face. It's only been a night, but it's clear that spending a night as a dog was more than enough for Bruce.
"You good?" he asks, and Bruce nods as he winces, stretching his neck and popping his back.
"Never doing that again," he mumbles, "but I'll survive. Run some tests on myself after I hold Tim." A soft smile appears on his face. "I have to hold him before he turns back." His gaze moves towards Helena, who's slowly opening her eyes in hopes that she's not going to see anything that she doesn't want to see. She holds Tim closer to her.
"Please," she whispers, her voice an exaggerated breath for mercy. "He's so soft and small. Don't take him away from me yet."
"I know he's soft and small," Bruce says with a laugh. "That's why I'm going to hold him?"
She pouts as he walks towards her, but she relinquishes Tim without much fight, allowing Bruce to take him. He's so tiny that he easily fits into one hand, and Bruce's eyes widen at Tim, the little meows coming out of his mouth as he looks up at Bruce.
"Hold on, buddy," he says with a laugh. "You're probably going to turn back soon yourself, and I'm sure that Dick will let us live this down eventually."
"Never," Dick says because he doesn't see the use of them getting their hopes up. He has all the pictures. He's not going to release them to anyone that won't use this to tease Bruce and Tim.
It's just what family does.
*
Tim doesn't take long to turn back after Bruce does. It's only a few hours later, Bruce holding him in the palm of his hands like he's the answer to all his problems, when Tim begins whimpering in just the same way, the three of them snapping to attention as their gaze turns towards the pair. Finally, Bruce is up, quickly walking Tim back to his room, placing the tiny kitty on the bed, and backing away slowly. Dick turns his gaze away as well, not wanting to watch but ready to help, and again it doesn't take long before they hear the sound of a human teenager groaning, dragging himself to his dresser.
"Never mention this to anyone," he mumbles, and Dick laughs at that.
Not a fucking chance in hell.