Archive of Our Own ^beta

Kaleb was reciting a bedtime story when the front doorbell rang. He felt a blade of fear keen as the bit of an axe cleave his heart. In the past three years, unexpected visitors had never been a good thing. He sat frozen for a long, unhappy moment until Madison roused him.

"Someone's at the front door, Daddy," she announced impatiently.

He patted her shoulder, reassuring himself more than her, before he stood and walked to the window. His feet felt as heavy as lead.

The car parked in the driveway was some kind of luxury sedan. A man stood in the front porch light, a red t-shirt worn over a striped button-down. His shoulders were hunched, and he shifted from side to side as though he were nervous, or maybe just too tired to stand on his feet much longer.

"Who is it?" Madison demanded.

Kaleb took a deep breath. Apparently he'd forgotten to breathe during the past minute. He crossed back to Madison's bed. "It's your Uncle Mer," he said, and then immediately put his hand on Madison's ankle to keep her from kicking back the covers. "You stay in bed, sweetheart. I'll send him up to say good night."

She subsided unhappily. Kaleb turned off her bedroom light and walked down the stairs, trailed by Madison's anxious, "Hurry, Daddy!" when the doorbell rang again. Kaleb punched in the pass code to turn off the alarm, noticing as he did that his hands were shaking, and then unlocked and opened the door.

"Is Jeannie all right?" he asked at the same time Meredith said, "Where's Jeannie?"

They stared at each other over the threshold. Then Mer sputtered, "It may have escaped your attention, but I'm the one who's been out of town. Way, way out of town. How should I know if Jeannie's all right? She is, isn't she?"

"You're not here because something happened?"

Mer harrumphed. "I'm here to visit my sister. Are you going to let me in?"

Kaleb moved out of the way and Mer stomped by him into the living room. He was carrying a battered leather duffel in one hand, two computer cases slung over the opposite shoulder. Out of the yellow glare of the porch light, his face was very white, and Kaleb thought he had lost weight since the last time he'd seen him.

"Jeannie's at her seminar," Kaleb said. "She'll be back in a couple of hours. Everything is really OK?"

"Uncle Mer!" Madison was out of bed, down the stairs, and crouched behind entryway's french door, which she clutched with both small hands. "What did you bring me?"

"What makes you think I would bring anything to a little extortionist who calls me 'Uncle Mer'?"

"Uncle Rodney!" Madison shrieked immediately. "Rodney! Unca Uncle ROD-ney!"

"Good god," Mer said, shaken.

"You're supposed to be in bed, young lady," Kaleb intervened.

Madison took a deep breath, prepared to press the point, but then thought better of it and trotted back to her bedroom. Mer was rooting around in the side pocket of his duffel, eventually pulling out a crinkled plastic bag that looked like it had come from an airport gift shop. He handed it to Kaleb. "Is this all right?" he demanded.

A little bewildered, Kaleb pulled out an orange t-shirt that would have been over-sized for Jeannie. On the front was a stylized blue horse tossing its head.

"It's a horse," Mer pointed out unnecessarily. "After a Denver sports team."

"Uh, the Broncos," Kaleb agreed. He hadn't figured out the significance.

"For Madison!" Mer rolled his eyes. Then he blinked. "I thought. Don't little girls like horses? Jeannie used to."

"Oh. Oh, of course. Madison will love it. Do you want to give it to her? It's probably the only way we'll get her to calm down enough to go to sleep."

Mer looked dubious, but he shoved the gift back into its plastic bag, shed his luggage on the living room floor before Kaleb could offer to help him with it, and walked up the stairs like a man on his way to war.

Kaleb grinned to himself, but it didn't last long. He still had no idea what Meredith was doing here.

He went to the kitchen, measured out tea and filled the electric kettle. He badly wanted to call Jeannie, but he wouldn't disturb her in the middle of her class. Not if Mer were really just here for a visit. Hard as that was to imagine.

He was pouring hot water over two tablespoons of oolong when Mer reappeared and fell into a kitchen chair. "Coffee, please," he snapped.

"I've got tea," Kaleb said, setting an empty cup in front of him. "Give it another thirty seconds to brew. Did Madison thank you for the shirt?"

"Well, would you start a pot of coffee for me? I've been traveling all day. And yes," Mer waved one hand dismissively. "Madison thanked me as well as a hyperactive child up past her bedtime could manage."

"We don't have any coffee in the house, I'm afraid." Kaleb poured tea into the two mugs he had set on the kitchen table. Steam rose up, fragrant as blooming flowers.

Meredith just stared at him. "You're out of coffee?" Realization hit. "Wait a minute. You don't drink coffee?

Kaleb shook his head. "We both quit in graduate school."

"What are you talking about? People don't quit drinking coffee in grad school. That's when they learn to mainline the stuff."

"Jeannie did. Quit, I mean, when she found out she was pregnant. That's when I stopped drinking it, too."

"Really?" Mer blinked at him. He groped for the mug of tea Kaleb had poured him and downed it in two swallows. He looked speculatively at his empty cup. "Definitely had worse. You really gave up coffee? Was it some sort of guilt thing?"

"No! Maybe out of solidarity," Kaleb admitted.

Mer shook his head. "So what is this seminar Jeannie's attending? I can't believe there's anything the local college could teach her unless, oh my god, is it Facebook for Housewives or something? Has she really fallen that low?"

Kaleb kept himself from rolling his eyes. "It's a graduate seminar in arithmetical geometry. Uh, etale cohomology, right? Jeannie is teaching it."

"How long has she been doing that?"

"Since last year. I have time off during the summer to watch Madison, so it works out for both of us."

"Wow. Huh. Yeah, at least Jeannie can get out of the house, but what do you get out of it?"

"And I get to spend more time with Madison," Kaleb repeated slowly.

"Got anything to eat?" Mer demanded. He grabbed the teapot and poured himself the rest. "Hypoglycemic, you know. It's critical that I have regular meals."

Kaleb went to the refrigerator. "Well, there's leftover stir-fry from dinner." He pulled out a couple of glass bowls and set them on the table by Mer, hustling a bit to get him a plate and silverware before Mer simply dug into the serving bowl with his bare hands. Mer piled up the jasmine rice on his plate, but hesitated when he got to the vegetables.

"Just what did you stir fry here?"

"Um, vegetables? Kale, onions and yams. Broccoli and sprouts, oh and tempeh. In a peanut sauce."

Mer looked so dismayed, Kaleb might have told him it was ground-up kittens. "Don't you have anything else?"

And the thing was, he really did look pretty pitiful. Kaleb's first impression of exhaustion, seeing Mer in the front porch light, was right. His pale face was haggard, the skin under his eyes blue, shadowed by cheekbones that were a little too prominent. Kaleb found himself saying, "There may be some chicken still."

He went back to the refrigerator and checked the meat drawer. Sure enough, there was half a boned chicken breast carefully wrapped on a plate. Mer was saying, "Since when is chicken a vegetable?"

"It's for Madison." He set the plate on the table. "You have to be careful with a vegetarian diet for children. Some nutrients are more difficult for the body to absorb from vegetables. Jeannie and I will let her make her own choices when she's old enough."

"Huh." Meredith picked up the chicken with his fingers and was devouring it in enormous bites.

"It's just steamed," Kaleb started to apologize. "Not even a little tarragon--"

Mer's head snapped up. "There's no lemon on this, is there ?"

"That's what I was saying. No seasoning at all."

Good," Mer approved. He finished the chicken in one more bite. Then he started on the rice, shoveling it in.

"Would you like some tamari sauce or something with that?" Kaleb asked, feeling a little helpless. It was like watching Madison eat, and that thought actually calmed him. Jeannie had complained about her brother's childish qualities for years.

"No, I'm fine," Mer mumbled, his mouth full of rice. "Maybe some more tea?"

"I can do that," Kaleb said and turned on the electric tea kettle again. He poured Mer another cup as he was finishing off the rice. "Can I get you anything else?"

Mer shook his head and immediately slurped down the hot tea, his free hand making some sort of complicated gesture in the air. "What time will Jeannie be home?"

"Another hour or so. Unless she gets tied up answering questions after class. She'll give me a call if that happens."

Mer nodded, finishing the tea in another slurp. Then they sat looking at each other across the table.

"So how is everyone?" Kaleb tried. "John and Ronon and Radek and um, everyone."

Meredith sighed with more drama than Kaleb would have thought the question merited. "Everyone is fine. John has a broken ankle and apparently hates the universe right now, especially me, but we're all fine."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Mer. Rodney." he corrected himself too late. Meredith didn't even respond to the name.

"A split second decision made under extreme duress, as you can imagine-- well, no, you probably can't, but you can take it from me, circumstances were not ideal, and do I get any credit for making the tough choices?"

"It sounds difficult," Kaleb said, meaning it. "Is John going to be all right?"

"Jennifer says everything should knit back together just fine. But will Sheppard ever speak to me again? That's the real question. As if that Brillo pad that walks like a man has never made a bad decision when the chips were down. If it even was a bad decision, which it wasn't. Look, Kaleb, I'd love to stay here chatting with you all night, but I think I'm going to to go lie down."

"OK," Kaleb said. He was thinking of the state their guest room was in. "Did you want to stay with us?"

Meredith's face fell. "No," he announced, his chin coming up. "Of course not. I was planning to get a hotel room all along." He stumbled to his feet so quickly that he knocked over his mostly-empty mug of tea.

"Wait. That's not what I meant." Kaleb set the mug upright. "I just didn't know what your plans were. Of course we're glad to have you."

Meredith wouldn't look at him. "I can see my being here is inconvenient," he announced, blustering his way back to the living room. "I'll just leave my cell phone number for Jeannie, if it wouldn't be too much trouble to tell her I'm in town."

"Would you please stop?" Kaleb planted himself in front of Meredith. "In the first place, Jeannie would skin me alive if I let you leave before she even got home. And secondly, you're obviously worn out from traveling all day. If you want to find a hotel room tomorrow, that's fine, but at least for tonight, would you please stay with us?"

It was really amazing, Kaleb thought. His six-year-old daughter was better at disguising her emotions than Meredith, whose face cleared like the sky after a storm. "Well, all right," he said. "Wait. It's not that fold-out couch that was here last time, is it?"

Kaleb helped Mer pick up his luggage, taking the duffel while Mer heaved the computer bags back over his shoulder. "No, you'll like it," he said. "We've got a new futon in the guest room."

It was impossible to misinterpret the sigh from behind him as Kaleb led the way upstairs. The "guest bedroom" was their project room most of the time, and now was serving as Jeannie's office as well, so the futon was buried under a stack of clothing that needed buttons sewn back on or hemlines adjusted, an unopened box of fingerpaints, sample textbooks, mail from the university, credit card offers they were going to shred before recycling, interesting catalogues, a favorite mug with a broken handle Kaleb was planning to repair as soon as he remembered to pick up some Gorilla Glue, and a load of clean laundry no one had gotten around to folding yet.

"Um, I just need to find the bed first," Kaleb joked weakly.

Mer didn't notice. "Your bathroom is down the hall, here?" he asked, and trundled off without waiting for an answer. Kaleb stacked what he could on the overcrowded bookshelves, piled the sewing repairs into the laundry basket with the clean clothes and carried them all back to his and Jeannie's bedroom. He came back with clean linens to find Mer already stretched out on the futon, which he hadn't unfolded yet, one of his laptops open on his chest. "You've changed your WiFi log-on," Mer accused.

"Uh, I guess we have, " Kaleb agreed. "Wight in wode be fleme," he said, spelling it. "That last 'e' is a three."

"So Jeannie let you choose the password," he sneered.

"She thought a titanic Merseinne prime would be too easy to crack."

"Huh," Mer said. It might have been agreement.

"I brought you some clean linen. Would you like me to make up the bed for you?"

"Just put it down there." Mer gestured vaguely without looking up. 

Kaleb did look, however, and saw that Madison had crawled out of bed once again, and was sitting in a tight little bundle of pink flannel and blond hair right outside the door. Kaleb laid the folded sheets down next to Mer on the futon. "Is there a reason you're not in bed, young lady?"

Madison wrapped her arms around her drawn-up knees, the very picture of wronged innocence. "You didn't finish telling my story."

"It's already past your bedtime."

"But Uncle Rodney came and you didn't finish!"

Kaleb sighed. "All right. Just a few more lines! But only if you get back in bed right now, quick like a bunny."

Madison popped to her feet and dashed down the hall. "There are clean towels in the bathroom closet," Kaleb told Mer, who didn't acknowledge him at all. 

Madison was tucked in bed with the light off. Kaleb sat down next to her. "Now where were we?"

"And then reproved he the prince with many proud word-ez," she announced, smug in her victory. 

Kaleb looked at her sharply. "Are you sure?"

Madison wilted a little. In fact, they had been in the middle of the boar-hunt, but he really couldn't blame her for skipping ahead to her favorite part. 

"No," she confessed. Then she looked up. "But can you tell me them anyway? Since Uncle Rodney's here?"

"Just this once," he agreed, and began.

"And þenne repreued he þe prynce with mony prowde wordez:
'Þou art not Gawayn,' quoþ þe gome, 'þat is so goud halden,
Þat neuer ar3ed for no here by hylle ne be vale,
And now þou fles for ferde er þou fele harmez!"

Madison sighed and snuggled down into the covers. Kaleb grinned down at her, his strange little darling. "I've created a monster," he whispered to her.

"That's not in the story!" she protested, opening her eyes. At this rate she was still going to be wide awake by the time Jeannie got home. Kaleb made it to the end of the next stanza, declaiming, "With þe barbe of þe bitte bi þe bare nek!" then bent forward and pressed a kiss to Madison's forehead. "And that's the last we're going to hear from you tonight."

Madison nodded sleepily. "Tell Mommy goodnight when she gets home."

"I will."

"And tell Uncle Rodney goodnight."

"I'll do that, too."

"And tell Uncle Rodney I'm going to wear his shirt tomorrow."

"I've got a better idea. No more messages. Go to sleep. You can show your uncle that you're wearing his shirt in the morning."

He got up and turned around, and found that Mer was standing in Madison's bedroom door. What a family I married into, Kaleb thought. To Mer's credit, he didn't say anything until they were both back in the guest room, and then he announced, "Interesting bedtime story. How much of that does she understand?"

"You would have to ask Madison. I'm not grading for comprehension."

Mer narrowed his eyes, as if he suspected Kaleb of making fun of him. Which he wasn't, though he supposed an evening in Mer's company was making him a little defensive. He tried to relax and smile.

"What was that?" Mer asked. "It didn't sound, uh, pretty enough to be Canterbury Tales."

He had a good ear for an astrophysicist. "Same time period, more or less, but in a northwest Midlands dialect. And part of the Alliterative Revival, so more Beowulf than Geoffrey Chaucer in some ways. It's Sir Gawain and the Green Knight."

Mer blinked at him. "Isn't that a lot of beheadings for a six-year-old?"

"You're a reader," Kaleb said, surprised.

"Only out of necessity. Tolkien edited an edition of The Green Knight, and Roddenberry once claimed that it inspired Star Trek. Of course I had to read it. In Jessie Weston's translation, though. Does Jeannie not worry about the violence if it's told in Middle English?"

Kaleb shrugged. "Fairy tales are violent, too. I think I started, no, I know that I started reciting Sir Gawain before Madison was born. I was studying for my comprehensives while Jeannie was pregnant, and I would lay my head on her belly and read and recite for hours at a time. I guess I never really stopped."

"My god," Mer said softly. "Poor Jeannie."

"So was there anything you needed?" Kaleb snapped.

"Yes. Dental floss. I couldn't find any in your medicine cabinet."

"Sorry about that," Kaleb said, and then wondered why he was apologizing for the contents of his own medicine cabinet. "We have to keep it put away because Madison likes to pull it out of the box and suck on it. The mint flavor, you know." He led the way to the bedroom and pulled a box of Dent-o-Mint out of the top dresser drawer for Mer.

"You could just not buy mint flavored," Mer observed, pulling off several long strings and handing back the box.

"But I like the mint, too," Kaleb said. Mer harrumphed as though that were an opinion he could actually agree with.

Jeannie was a few minutes late getting home that evening. Kaleb folded the clean clothes he had taken out of the guest room. Then he tried to relax with Bolaño's 2666, but he kept stumbling over the commas in the novelist's coiling periodic sentences, and every time he looked away from the screen of his Kindle, he wondered what Meredith was really doing here. He hadn't heard anything more from him, and assumed he was still on his computer, since he could see the circle of light from the guest room's lamp on the ceiling when he looked up the stairway.

Jeannie finally came in the front door, talking a mile a minute. "Whose car is that in the driveway?"

"Hi, hon."

"Oh my god, is that Meredith? I don't know anybody else who would rent a Lexus. What's he doing here? Is everything all right?"

"It is Mer; as far as I can tell he's all right, and all he would tell me was that he came home to visit you."

"Oh my god," Jeannie said again, not comforted. She dashed up the stairs, but was back a minute later. "He's out like a light. I set his laptop on the floor so he wouldn't roll over on it in his sleep. He looks terrible, Kaleb! Didn't he say what's been going on?"

"I think he had a fight with John. Anyway, he said John has a broken ankle and he blames Mer for it. He wasn't making a whole lot of sense, actually."

"Oh, Meredith, what have you done now?" Jeannie exclaimed, sitting down heavily on the couch next to Kaleb. "Something must be going on. Why would he come to see me?"

"A fight with John? Of course he's going to come to you. I think it's sort of sweet."

Jeannie stared at him. "What are you talking about?"

"Although he's still struggling with the whole concept of a family you can actually depend on. You should have heard him when I told him I couldn't make him a pot of coffee."

"It must be something. Even Mer isn't going to cross two galaxies to see me after a fight with a coworker."

Kaleb blinked. "I thought they were a couple."

"John Sheppard and Meredith? Where would you get an idea like that?"

"Well, I don't know." Kaleb shrugged helplessly. "When they were here last year, I just assumed."

"You have the most non-existent gaydar on the planet! You didn't even know your department secretary was gay, and that man is flaming."

"OK, I'm an idiot," Kaleb said ruefully. "Hardly a surprise by now."

"And anyway, Meredith isn't gay." Jeannie settled back on the couch. "That guy he was dating in grad school was just to make Dad crazy." She hesitated. "Oh my god. Is Mer gay?"

Kaleb raised his hands in surrender.

"Is that why he never asked that nice girl Katie to marry him? Why wouldn't he tell me? And John Sheppard of all people. Aw, Mer."

"Look, Jeannie, I have no idea. Mer really didn't tell me anything. He did remember to bring Madison a present. A Denver Broncos t-shirt about fifteen sizes too big, but it's the thought that counts, right?"

"The Broncos? What, was that the quickest thing he could grab in the gift shop next to the terminal?"

"Well, probably. He did think Madison would like the horse picture."

"You're right," Jeanne agreed. "He is trying."

Meredith came down to breakfast the next morning wearing the same clothes he had gone to bed in. His hair was wet, and he smelled of Jeannie's deodorant.

Jeannie smiled at him, a little too brightly. "Good morning, sleepyhead. How are you feeling this morning?"

Meredith blinked at her. Kaleb thought he looked better after a shower and a full night of sleep.

"Uncle Rodney!" Madison shrieked, and rocketed out of her chair to wrap himself herself around Meredith's knees. He flinched, but then reached down to pat her head carefully.

"I'm wearing your shirt," she announced proudly and unnecessarily. The short sleeves came down past her elbows; the hem fell to her knees.

"Let me fix you some oatmeal," Kaleb said. "They're steel-cut oats. Jeannie cooks them in the crockpot all night, and they have a lot more texture than you get with rolled oats."

Meredith tried unsuccessfully not to make a face. "It sounds really, uh, something, but I'm going to go out and have some coffee. Where's the closest place to get breakfast around here?" He looked at their bowls of oatmeal. "I mean the kind of breakfast that's less Goldilocks and the Three Bears and more coffee and fried eggs?"

"No need to go out for coffee," Jeannie said brightly. "Look on the counter, next to the electric kettle."

"Oh." Mer picked up the single serve filter, then the pound bag of coffee beside it. "This is really very, uh--"

"Kaleb picked it up for you while he was out running this morning."

"Thank you," Meredith finally managed, shaking ground coffee into the filter and plugging in the kettle.

"It was my pleasure. You're welcome." Kaleb spooned a bowlful of oatmeal for Mer. "Now you can stay and have a healthy breakfast with us."

"Oh. That's great."

"So, Madison," Kaleb said. "Mer heard me telling you your bedtime story last night."

"Yeah!" Madison agreed eagerly. "Daddy will tell you Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, too. He'll tell everybody! You just need to ask him!"

Jeannie giggled behind her hand. "She's got that right, Kaleb."

"Yes, wonderful," Mer agreed sourly. "If I'm ever short on middle English poetry, I'll keep that in mind." But then he asked, "What part of the story was he telling you last night?"

Madison's eyes got big. "Oh," she exclaimed. "Oh!" she repeated, as the full wonder of being able to tell the story to Uncle Meredith burst upon her. "Gawain was waiting for the green knight to chop off his head," she exclaimed, tripping over her words in her eagerness to get it all out. "But his shoulders shrank a little, for the sharp iron? And the green knight said, 'Oh, you're not Gawain who everyone says is so good, and now thou fles for ferde, ere thou even feels harm-ez!'"

"I bet your teachers love the occasional complete archaism from you," Meredith observed, but he actually sounded like he approved.

"Wait, wait!" Madison interrupted, eager to get to the good part.

"We've had one or two discussions," Jeannie agreed.

"The vocabulary will sort itself out as she gets older," Kaleb put in.

"Daddy!" Madison stomped her foot in frustration at the continued interruptions.

"You're bordering, sweetheart," Jeannie said, but not too sternly. "Even when grown-ups interrupt you, you have to be polite."

"Life isn't fair like that," Kaleb put in.

"OK, but then Gawain was embarrassed? Because the green knight didn't kest no kauelacion before Gawain cut his head off. But Gawain wasn't magic! He couldn't just pick up his head again if someone cut it off!" Madison obviously felt the injustice keenly

When his first cup of coffee was ready, Meredith took a seat, nodding vaguely as the story went on. He poured a lake of maple syrup on the oatmeal Kaleb had dished out for him and shoveled it away, his fist clinched around the spoon. Then he drained his cup of coffee in a single dramatic swig, his adam's apple bobbing like he was a frat kid chugging beer, before he stood to fix himself another cup. He looked around at last to see the rest of the family watching him with some wonder. Even Madison had ended her recounting of Gawain's travails.

"Good coffee," Mer said cautiously.

"The fellow at the roasting company recommended it. Honduran, I think he said?"

"Well, I'm really more a fan of Ethiopian Harrar beans, but this isn't bad."

"I'll take you there," Kaleb said. "You can pick out your own."

"How long will you be able to stay with us, Mer?" Jeannie asked with a quick glance at Kaleb.

"Oh! Well." Mer made himself very busy with his cup. "Just a day. Or a week or two, maybe? I'm actually sort of on medical leave right now, but Jennifer says I'm not contagious."

"Oh, no, Mer!" Jeannie exclaimed. "What have you gotten yourself into now?"

"That is completely unfair. I did not 'get' myself into anything."

"I'm going to summer camp this week," Madison interrupted eagerly. "I'm going to make a lanyard and a potholder. Uncle Rodney, do you want a potholder?"

"I can't really think of anything I need less." He saw Jeannie's expression, and quickly added, "So I hope you'll make me two."

"I will!" she agreed, ecstatic

"And we are going to be late, young lady," Jeannie said, getting up from the table. She gave Mer a one-armed hug. "You and I will talk later," she told him. It only sounded a little bit like a threat, Kaleb thought.

The kitchen got very quiet once Jeannie and Madison were gone. Mer sank into his chair and drank his second cup of coffee more calmly than he had his first. When he finally set the cup down, it was to ask, "I don't suppose you have any bacon hidden around here."

"I'm afraid not."

"What about little Madison and those necessary nutrients she can't get from kale?"

"You know, somehow Jeannie and I just don't feel like she needs to get them from salty, fatty strips of nitrate-soaked pork."

"Freaks," Meredith said sadly, and without malice. He consoled himself with another bowl of oatmeal and the rest of the bottle of maple syrup.

Later Kaleb looked in on Mer in the guest room and found him with one of the laptops open, but his gaze focused out the window. "I was about to go out to a bookstore to check on my texts for next semester, and I wondered if you would like to come."

"No, I wouldn't." Mer said, not breaking his million mile stare.

"Because Jeannie says they have a great science fiction section, and they're also right down the block from the roaster where I bought your coffee this morning."

Mer turned to look at him then. "You should have mentioned that to begin with."

Meredith insisted on driving. Kaleb didn't mind. He couldn't remember ever having ridden in such a ridiculously luxurious vehicle before. Once the doors closed, the outside world practically ceased to exist. "Is this what piloting a spaceship is like?" he joked as the neighborhood slid silently by.

Mer shot him a sour look. "I wouldn't know." And then, to be sure Kaleb took his point, he added, "Unlike some blabber-mouthed members of my family, I understand what a confidentiality agreement means."

"Right," Kaleb said, wondering why he had invited Meredith along in the first place.

At the coffee roaster, Mer drank four espressos, standing at the bar, tossing them back one after the other in the time it took Kaleb to finish his single cup of blue people ginseng oolong. The cumulative effect on Mer was frankly alarming. By the time he put down the fourth tiny red cup, his hands were shaking and the shadows under his eyes were bluer than ever against his white, white face. Kaleb was relieved they could just walk across the street to the bookstore. He didn't think he would want to get back into a car with Mer right now.

He lost track of Meredith among the bookshelves. After he found the manager to talk about ordering backup texts for the fall semester -– the campus bookstore never bought enough copies -– he browsed in the music journals and then looked at children's books for something Madison might like. He finally met Meredith again at the checkout stand with a stack of graphic novels. Kaleb didn't know whether to be surprised by that or not. "They're for Sheppard," Mer said shortly. Then he seemed a little embarrassed and wouldn't meet Kaleb's eye on the way out of the store.

Outside, the street was busy with the lunchtime crowd. Meredith was heading towards a gray Lexus, but it must have been the wrong car, because there was a man already fiddling at the driver's side door. All those espressos, Kaleb thought. They've scrambled Mer's brains. "I think we must be the next block down."

Meredith paid no attention to Kaleb and put his hand on the man's shoulder. "Excuse me. You've obviously got the wrong car."

The man jerked in surprise and threw his hand out against Meredith's chest. Kaleb had time to see he was just a kid, and to think that a Lexus was an unusual choice for a guy that young. Something popped, and Meredith grunted and fell against the car. The stranger ran, his shoulder clipping Kaleb with so much force that Kaleb spun around and stumbled to his knees.

"Oh my god," Meredith gasped. "I've been shot."

The world got very dark. Kaleb felt as though someone had planted a knee in the middle of his chest, and he writhed against the pressure as Jeannie whimpered in terror. He couldn't believe this was happening, his lungs constricting until he couldn't think or breathe or speak. Bright dots sparked before his eyes.

Mer groaned, "Call 9-1-1 for Chrissakes, Kaleb!" but he had to take care of Jeannie first, and the men in balaclavas were hustling her out of the room, telling her to be quiet or they would shoot her husband, shoot her child. Madison! The weight of his fear was a blade against his throat. Blood spattered the snow, dark against the blinding brilliance. Mer wheezed, "Jesus, Kaleb, get a grip! Useless fucking English major--" and Kaleb coiled on the sidewalk, his shame as crippling as his horror, and still he couldn't speak. He wasn't sure he was still breathing. His heart thumped weakly against a cage of thorns. Jeannie, he thought. Madison. I'm so sorry.

Mer was saying in a choked, angry voice. "We need an ambulance. I've been shot in the chest. Fuck, no, I don't know the address." A horrible, rattling gasp, then he managed, "Outside One World Books and some coffee store with yellow awning. Jesus Christ, hurry or Vancouver will be the city where Rodney McKay died before his time."

---

Jeannie found him in the maze of curtained-off rooms beyond the ER. She wrapped her arms around his head with gentle care and ruffled his curls the way she did, her hand as light as a feather.

"Where's Madison?" Kaleb asked. "Is she all right?"

"She's fine, sweetheart. She's in the waiting room with a babysitter, right outside."

"A babysitter? Who--?"

Jeannie smiled like she did when she was trying not to cry. "Everything's OK. How are you feeling?"

"I'm all right. Nothing happened to me."

"I'm so glad." Jeannie laid her face against his, and suddenly Kaleb was on the verge of tears. He held her hand tightly and focused on the blue curtain.

"Mer is going to be all right," Kaleb managed at last. It was important to say everything out loud. "His sternum is cracked, but his doctor is hopeful there's no damage to his heart or lungs. The kid who attacked him had a center punch. It's a little spring-loaded device," he insisted, concentrating fiercely on getting out the words. "Firemen use it to break windows. And, uh, thieves to smash car windows, obviously. When it went off against Mer's chest, we both thought it was a gunshot. Oh, god, Jeannie."

Just like that, his fragile control was gone again. He clung to Jeannie, dry-eyed but shaking like a leaf. "Don't let Madison see me like this."

"Hey, sweetheart. Easy, easy." She held him, rocking gently. When he closed his eyes, he was back in their darkened bedroom, infrared dots climbing the walls. He gasped and forced his eyes open. "I'm so sorry," he whispered. "Mer is the one who broke his chest on a trip to the bookstore, and I'm sitting here losing it. Why can't I get a grip?"

"Oh, babe." Jeannie's arms were so careful around his shoulders. "Don't ever tell my brother I said this, but his job, what he does on a daily basis out there, he's like some kind of ridiculous superhero. He survived being trepanned in a cave with a battery-operated hand drill!" Her trill of laughter was on the verge of hysteria. "How can ordinary people compete with that?"

"You're right," Kaleb said weakly. He was hollow inside. "I can't."

"I don't want you to. I don't want me, to. And as soon as Meredith gets better, I'm going to break his chest all over again for getting you into this."

Kaleb shook his head "Not his fault. Not by any stretch."

"I know, I guess. I was just so angry and scared, and I'd really like someone to yell at."

Kaleb managed a wan smile. "That's the McKay in you."

Jeannie laughed ruefully. She was so beautiful, Kaleb had to cup her cheek with his palm.

"Are you ready to get out of here?" she asked.

He dropped his hand reluctantly and nodded.

Madison's babysitter was a woman Kaleb had never seen before. She was short and lean, with auburn hair pulled back in a careless ponytail, and she had a lovely smile as she listened intently to Madison. From across the waiting room Kaleb couldn't make out the words, just the high-pitched piping of his daughter's happy voice. It didn't touch the hollow ache inside, but it seemed in that moment, at least not utterly unendurable.

"Who is that?" Kaleb whispered. The woman looked up and saw him and Jeannie, touched Madison's shoulder and pointed them out to her as well.

"That's Teyla," Jeannie said quietly.

"Teyla? That Teyla? From--?" Kaleb pointed vaguely towards the ceiling as Madison came running to them.

"Daddy!"

"From Mer's team, that's right," Jeannie said as Madison reached them and flung her arms around Kaleb's legs. He felt too shaky to scoop her into his arms, but he stroked her shoulders, and took comfort from the beating of her fierce little heart against his knee.

"Are they all here?" he asked Jeannie weakly, before leaning over to tell Madison, "Your Uncle Mer and I are both very sorry you had to leave summer camp early today."

"The whole kit and kaboodle are here," Jeannie said, as Madison confirmed mournfully, "I didn't get to finish his potholder."

"And you have told me you will be able to finish Rodney's ...potholder?...tomorrow. By then he will be well enough to appreciate it," Teyla reminded her gravely. "You must be Madison's father, Jeannie's husband, Kaleb."

"I'm Kaleb. Jeannie tells me you're Teyla."

"This is Teyla Emmagen," Madison interrupted importantly. "She's Uncle Rodney's friend, and now she's my friend, too. She said so!"

"Teyla is a very kind and patient person," Jeannie said. "The paperwork is finished for now, so I'd like to take my family home."

"Of course," Teyla bowed her head slightly. Kaleb couldn't help feeling he was being granted an audience with royalty, and wasn't sure if it was just Teyla's manner, or if Jeannie had once told him that she was really was some kind of queen. "Ronon will accompany you."

"Oh there's no need for that--" Jeannie started to say, but Kaleb thought it was an excellent idea. The world was a hopelessly dangerous place. The bigger the guards around his family, the better.

"I need to see Mer before we go," he said. "Have they moved him to a room upstairs yet?"

"The last I saw, they were still waiting," Teyla said.

Kaleb unwrapped Madison from around his knees and bent to kiss the top of her head. "You look after your mother. I'll be right back." And before anyone could stop him, he slipped back around the reception desk and found the tiny treatment room where Mer had been almost since their arrival.

The little room felt even smaller now. Ronon Dex stood in the corner, behind the stainless steel cabinet with gauze and cotton balls, his massive arms crossed over his chest. John Sheppard was sitting in the room's single chair, his splinted leg propped on the plastic trash can labeled 'medical waste.'

Meredith lay on the examination table. His eyes were closed, a blanket pulled up as far as his bare white shoulders and an oxygen mask over his face. An automatic cuff around his arm wheezed slightly as it measured his blood pressure, and red dots blinked across banks of equipment.

Darkness crept in from the edges.

"Kaleb," John was saying with his lazy smile. "Good to see you again. Lousy circumstances. I guess the circumstances were lousy last time, too, come to think of it."

"Hey." Suddenly Ronon was right in front of Kaleb, though he hadn't noticed him moving. "You in there?"

"I'm fine," Kaleb lied, stumbling back.

"Are you sure you're ready to leave?" John asked, sounding dubious.

"I wanted to see how Meredith was doing."

The silence went on for too long. Ronon finally said, "He's getting whiny. He'll be okay."

"The doctors want to do another MRI of his chest," John said. "Then they'll take him up to a room."

"He is lying right here," Meredith said, but his voice was muffled by the oxygen mask. Kaleb locked his knees and stared very hard at the wall.

"Come on," Ronon said. "We're going home. Did Teyla tell you I'm staying with you folks for now?" he asked as he herded Kaleb out of the room.

"She said," Kaleb confirmed.

Ronon nodded. "The guys who sit behind the big desks think this was just a robbery, that nobody was targeting McKay. Could be they're right. On the other hand, we're going to make sure."

"You all came an awfully long way."

"Not so much," Ronon said mysteriously. By then they were back in the waiting room.

Teyla touched her head to Ronon's, told the rest of them that Rodney was sure to be fine, but that they would be contacted if anything changed, and that she would see them all tomorrow. On the way to the parking garage, Ronon bent down and asked Madison if she would like him to carry her. She seemed a little awed by him, but she lifted up her arms trustingly and allowed him to swing her up.

"You're not as big as the green gome!" she announced with confidence after a dozen steps.

Ronon didn't seem to mind. "Probably not," he agreed. "Not green either." For whatever reason, that tickled Madison's funnybone. She shook with laughter all the way to the car. Ronon didn't have anything else to say until they stopped at a neighborhood pizza place to get take-out for dinner, and Jeannie asked him what he liked.

"Lots," was his answer.

Kaleb reflexively ordered him an extra large pepperoni, adding sliced zucchini as an afterthought. Watching the people behind the counter to box up his pizzas, he thought Meredith would consider it terribly unfair that he was buying processed pork for Ronon. His hands started to shake, and he shoved them deeply into the pockets of his jeans.

Madison was ecstatic over the pizza, which was a rare indulgence in their house. Ronon finished his entire pie with gusto, looked up and said, "Good," while wiping tomato sauce out of his goatee. Jeannie took Madison upstairs for a bath, and Kaleb was surprised to find that this horrible day really was almost over. It seemed to have lasted about a million years. That reminded him to ask Ronon, "So how did you and John and Teyla get here so fast?"

Ronon shrugged. "Sheppard was already here."

"Here? In Vancouver?"

"Here on earth. McKay wasn't the only one on medical leave. Then the Stargate was already open when news came through about McKay, so Carter just sent us through. She understands about team." For the first time Ronon looked slightly concerned. "Is it okay to talk about the Stargate with you?"

"It really isn't," Kaleb admitted. "But I won't tell anyone."

Ronon nodded, satisfied.

"So why is John angry at Mer?"

Ronon rolled his eyes. "Those two. They're like a couple of rats in a sack."

"What happened?"

"Mission went bad. Sheppard smashed up his ankle, so McKay left him hidden and surrendered himself to the mercenaries who were chasing 'em so they wouldn't find Sheppard."

"Oh my god."

"It was sound thinking," Ronon said. "McKay knows his own value, and he also knows Sheppard's dangerous. They might have decided to kill Sheppard on the spot. Problem was, it took us almost thirty-six hours to find McKay. By then he'd got sick from some tainted water, and for more than a day he'd been shitting himself white."

"You mean like cholera? " Kaleb started shaking again. He clenched his hands into fists to cover. “Mer could have died."

"Nearly did. Sheppard was ripshit over it. Then McKay starts to get better, expects Sheppard to thank him for being brave. You can imagine how that went over."

"I think so. Mer wears his heart on his sleeve."

"You do, too," Ronon said.

Kaleb sat back sharply. "What are you talking about?"

"'Heart on your sleeve.' Does it mean your feelings are out there in the open?"

"That's what it means," Kaleb agreed warily.

"Well, yeah, then. You're upset over what happened to you and McKay this morning. You look stupid trying to hide it. Just makes everyone around you uncomfortable."

Kaleb turned his face away, trying to get himself under control. Then he wondered why he was bothering and turned back. He noticed, vaguely, that Ronon made their couch look child-sized.

"My brother-in-law was attacked this morning. He was hurt, begging for help, and I couldn't even get out my phone to call 9-1-1." Kaleb's voice shook. He felt on the verge of tears. "How would you suggest that I stop being upset about that?"

Ronon shrugged. "Your people like to talk everything to death. Try talking about it?" He scooped up the remotes on the coffee table with one big hand and held them out. "Wanna show me how to operate your television set?"

---

Madison didn't even protest when Kaleb went back to the stanzas about the boar hunt during her bedtime story, though she was fretful and obviously not listening very closely. Kaleb asked her if she wanted to hear "Goblin Market" instead, but she shook her head and just asked if Uncle Rodney would be home tomorrow.

"I hope so sweetheart," he said. Then he swept her into a hug so tight that she squirmed free, grumbling in protest.

Jeannie asked how he was feeling when he came to bed. He couldn't answer, so he held her tight, too. Then he tossed and turned, worrying about nightmares, for most of the night. He got up at one point to go to the sofa so he wouldn't bother Jeannie, but remembered that Ronon was there, their personal night guard. He couldn't even think of going to the guest bedroom. The idea of sleeping on Meredith's futon made him want to cry.

Ronon was right, he thought, looking up at the darkness of the bedroom ceiling. He was messed up.

Ronon didn't complain about oatmeal for breakfast, not even when Jeannie apologized for being out of maple syrup and served it with brown sugar and sliced apples instead. He didn't ask for coffee, drinking the same tea that Kaleb and Jeannie did with every indication of pleasure. Kaleb only half-listened to Jeannie and Ronon as they worked out the complicated carpooling schedule for the hospital and Madison's morning at summer camp. Ronon, Jeannie and Madison left together after breakfast. Apparently, no one was worried that yesterday's attack had been aimed at Kaleb, because they didn't mind leaving him alone in the house. That was fine with him, although Jeannie grabbed his hand on the way out the door and told him to remember she had her cell phone with her.

He washed the breakfast dishes and then started a marinade for tofu, which would keep if they ended up going out to dinner instead. He minced garlic and grated ginger, and then he had no idea what to do with himself next. He even found himself wishing that Meredith would come home, just so they could talk.

Jeannie and Madison came home with Teyla around noon. Madison proudly presented a stack of stretchy, finger-woven potholders in garish colors. Teyla smiled. "I told her Rodney would be very pleased."

"I am sure he will be." Kaleb agreed, though he had trouble making himself smile back.

"I believe you promised to show me a math game on your computer," Teyla prompted gently.

"Yeah!" Madison shouted and took Teyla's hand to drag her to the living room.

Alone together for a moment, Jeannie asked carefully, "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine. I'm not the one who got my sternum cracked yesterday." Then he couldn't believe he had said that out loud. Neither could Jeannie apparently, or maybe it was all too easy for her. She gave him a hug and didn't reproach him.

She checked on the marinade, pronounced it wonderful, and decided on the spot that they should have vegetable kebabs for dinner. It was too late for the Wednesday morning farmers' market, but they could probably find enough good vegetables at the produce stand in town. She went to get Madison and Teyla, and soon enough Kaleb was alone in the house again.

It was no easier this time. He was failing miserably in his attempt to settle down with the Bolaño novel, and was just about to do laundry instead, when a taxi pulled up outside. He walked to the front porch. Meredith and John Shepherd were both climbing painfully out of the back of the cab, Ronon watching the two of them with a smirk.

Kaleb met them halfway up the front walk. "They let you out. How are you feeling?"

"I'll feel better when they catch the idiot who did this to me," Meredith grumbled. He was moving with extreme caution, like a very old man. Next to him, John Shepperd was limping along gamely on his cast. They looked like they had just returned from the wars.

Actually, Kaleb supposed, in a way they had.

He got everyone inside and settled in the living room. "Does anyone want lunch?" he asked, taking refuge in his duties as a host.

John shook his head. "Rodney made sure we didn't leave the hospital before his meals. He's got a thing for institutional food."

"Well, yes, and I knew I wouldn't be getting pork chops once I was at Kaleb's House of Militant Vegetarians."

"Pepperoni is a vegetable?" Ronon asked innocently.

"What?" Meredith said. "No, pepperoni is not a vegetable. Why would you even ask that?"

"No reason," Ronon said more innocent than ever. "But I could do with a sandwich."

Kaleb wasn't sure if it was actually intended as blackmail, especially since he'd already offered to make lunch. Nevertheless, he got up with alacrity to make a stack of almond-butter and grape-jelly sandwiches. From the kitchen he could hear the murmur of voices. John was as taciturn as he had been when the three of them arrived after Jeannie's kidnapping. That thought brought back the shakes. Kaleb put down the bread knife before he dropped it.

Meredith and Ronon both had two sandwiches apiece, Meredith after being assured the almond butter was the creamy variety. "Yes," Kaleb promised, "It's smooth. Madison hasn't outgrown worrying about bumps in her food."

"Some kids never grow out of that," Ronon said, smirking at Mer.

As they were finishing, Jeannie arrived home with Madison and Teyla, carrying in bags brimming with fingerling potatoes, onions, carrots, zucchini and pattypan squash. Most of the household was immediately drafted into washing, peeling, chopping and blanching vegetables. Jeannie and Meredith, the latter looking very white and tired, disappeared upstairs together. John stopped cutting onions to watch them go.

After a time, Jeannie returned and caught Kaleb's elbow, where he was standing at the sink helping Madison scrub carrots.

"Why don't you make Meredith a cup of coffee?"

"Well, he probably needs to be resting."

"Yes, and coffee helps him relax."

So Kaleb plugged in the kettle. John was the only person who knew what measure of coffee grounds to put in the filter, although he didn't want a cup for himself.

Kaleb took the cup of fresh coffee upstairs, and was not terribly surprised to find Meredith sound asleep. He backed up carefully, but he must have made a sound, or just the smell of coffee was rousing enough, because Mer's eyes flew open.

"Is that coffee? Come back here."

"Jeannie thought you would like a cup."

"Sometimes Jeannie is smarter than she acts," Rodney said happily, reaching for the coffee. Then he saw Kaleb's face. "Although she usually acts smart! Very, very smart."

"Yes," Kaleb said flatly. "She does." It was hard to be too angry with Meredith. Jeannie had arranged a blizzard of pillows at one end of the futon, but Mer didn't look comfortable. He held one shoulder a little higher than the other, and he'd split his lip at some point, probably when falling against the car, and today the edges of the cut were swollen and angry. His eyes darted back and forth as though he were working himself up to ask a difficult question.

Kaleb thought he probably didn't want to hear it, whatever it was, but he backed up to lean against the door frame and forced himself to ask, "Was there something else?"

"No," Mer said quickly. Then he amended himself almost as quickly. "Well, yes. Ronon told me something. Actually, Jeannie told me something too." He finally looked Kaleb in the face. "You're freaked out over the way you reacted when that stupid kid shot me in the chest."

Kaleb took a deep, unhappy breath. "I froze. I didn't do anything to help."

"Yeah? So? I was at the bookstore with my brother-in-law. I wasn't out saving the universe with Colonel John Shepherd and his crack team."

Kaleb leaned his head against the frame and closed his eyes. He could still see infrared dots in the darkness, but he knew they were just a memory, now. "Thank you," he said. "You're not the first person to make that point. And while you would think that my wife and everyone else making it absolutely clear to me that I'm no hero would make me feel better-–"

"Oh, don't be stupid," Meredith snapped. "How long have you been telling Madison that green knight story now? More than six years? Have you listened to a single word? Sir Gawain freaks because, oh my god, he actually flinched a little when the green knight swung an axe at him. And then Big Greenie has the nerve to act all superior. Even Madison understands the green knight is talking out his ass. The green knight doesn't worry about being decapitated because he's fucking magic, and Gawain's not. It's not a fair basis of comparison."

At length Kaleb opened his eyes. He even felt an unwilling smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. "Madison is very big on fair."

"Yeah, well, the world isn't, but it ought to be."

"So are you saying I shouldn't feel bad because I'm not magical?"

"It sounded better in my head," Meredith admitted, "I am saying you're Jeannie's husband and Madison's father, and you should give yourself some credit."

"And you are? Magic, I mean."

"Scientist, here. That's way better."

"Well, maybe you should use some of that science on John."

Meredith's face closed down.

"I'm sorry, Mer," Kaleb said, meaning it. "But you should've told us how sick you had been. Ronon says you nearly died."

"Ronon exaggerates."

Kaleb didn't even bother to answer that.

"Okay, no he doesn't. Forgive me for not wanting to share the details of the most undignified way to die ever. I thought getting an arrow in the butt was pretty bad, but no, it turns out that a terminal case of the runs while locked in a room without plumbing is even worse."

"I can't imagine. John can, though. He probably can't stop seeing it. It's not fair, either, but he probably blames you a little bit for his nightmares."

Mer looked at him thoughtfully for a long minute. "Are your nightmares back?"

Kaleb jerked his head in a nod.

"Are they about Jeannie?"

Another nod.

"I've heard--from friends, that is--that a therapist can help you ground out dangerous currents." Mer waved his hands around in a way Kaleb assumed was supposed to indicate Electrical Engineering for English Majors. "They don't disappear, but you can keep them from shorting your critical systems."

"I've talked to a counselor for years," Kaleb said. "More about the stress of academic life than PTSD, though."

Mer shrugged, then groaned when his chest shifted. "Might want to bring it up. Maybe they can even suggest a literary metaphor for you."

---

Grilling dinner for seven people on Kaleb's tiny hibachi proved something of a logistical challenge, but they managed, cooking the blocks of marinated tofu first, then laying the kebobs across the coals four sticks at a time. If the last of the potatoes were a still a bit crunchy after being cooked over dying embers, no one complained except Meredith, and he gobbled down his helping of grilled tofu over rice without even stopping to ask if they had chicken to put on the grill.

Madison was ecstatic, in charge of everything and insisting loudly and repeatedly that everyone had to be quiet around Uncle Rodney, because he'd been in the hospital, and around John, because he had a broke foot. Whenever laughter and conversation around the table got a little too loud in Madison's judgment, she popped up to demand peace and quiet. When her demands finally became too draconian, Kaleb scooped her up and said goodnight to everyone. He invited Madison to do the same, but she was too busy wailing at the bitter unfairness of leaving the party first.

She sulked through her bath, but by the time Kaleb got her into her pajamas and tucked into bed, she had forgiven him enough to listen to the story, through Gawain's kisses.

"He þe haþel aboute þe halse and hendely hym kysses
and eftersones of þe same he serued hym þere..."

Kaleb kissed his daughter and pulled up the blankets as her eyes closed. When he got up and turned around, John was standing in the door. Kaleb followed him into the hall. "I'm glad you didn't fall on the stairs," Kaleb said with a glance at the splint on his leg.

John dismissed his concern. "McKay's getting tired. OK if he spends the night here?"

"What? Of course. We were expecting him to -- all of you, if you won't feel too crowded. I'm sure Jeannie meant to invite you."

"She did. I just thought --" John shrugged. "I thought you might like some peace and quiet after, you know. The full-bore Rodney McKay experience."

"Peace? Quiet? I wouldn't know what to do with it."

John smiled, an expression that actually reached his eyes, and he whacked Kaleb lightly on the arm. "You're a good man, Kaleb Miller. No matter what McKay says about you."

At the door to the guest room, Kaleb saw the futon had already been unfolded, and Meredith was stretched out with his eyes closed, the woven potholders gaudy around the foot of the bed. John sat down on the mattress next to him and picked up one of Mer's laptops. Meredith's eyes opened.

"Wha--?" he mumbled drowsily.

"Don't get up, genius." John put his hand on Mer's shoulder, and shot a wry, happy expression up at Kaleb. "We're sleeping here, tonight."