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He was tired. So much scheming he had to do as people kept throwing obstacles in his and Yukinoshita’s way, so much scrambling and networking to try to get support and people to make their plans work. He was getting sick of the sound of his own voice.
People might start avoiding him out of wanting to avert getting roped into some school activity, and as a former--and formerly proud--member of the Going Home Club, he empathized with that sense of self-preservation. He didn’t know for sure when he’d lost that for himself.
Anyway, so tired. To the point that he didn’t mind sitting out in the cold and dark on a bench outside the school, alone, needing solitude and somewhere quiet and empty to recharge himself and just breathe. (Spring might be on its way and gradually infiltrating Chiba, but winter still made itself known.) Sometimes he needed a break even from people he liked and usually wanted to be with. Besides, he wanted company but didn’t want to need it to the point of withering without it.
He’d been spending a lot of time with Yuigahama lately and didn’t know if that was kind or cruel of him since he liked her but didn’t like her but knew she liked him. It didn’t help either of them that Yukinoshita, as a result of her evil sister’s meddling and insinuations, would barely meet up with them, leaving a major gap in their lives and socializing, leaving them alone together.
It disquieted him that sometimes Yuigahama and Yukinoshita seemed to be selflessly trying to gift him to one another. As a sentient person instead of an object, he’d prefer to have some choice in whom he ended up with.
People complicated things, complicated him. So did emotions.
Maybe he should get up and go home. Get up, buy a can of his favorite caffeinated drink to wake himself up more, and spend the night inside, warm, even if he didn’t have Komachi there, since she was staying with a friend tonight, to share it with.
A bouncy ball of warm sunlight approached him in the form of Totsuka Saika, who was smiling and happy to see him. Hachiman thought he might have a dopey grin on his face now but anyone who didn’t react that way to Totsuka surely had no soul.
“Yahello, Hachiman! I didn’t expect to see you out here.”
“Yo. I’m trying to find the energy to get up. Thanks for helping me brainstorm for a second, dummy prom.” One worse enough that it would get Yukinoshita’s prom proposal approved instead.
“The whole idea is certainly... complicated. And maybe a little crazy?” But Totsuka’s wry smile took any possible sting out of it.
“I know people think I reach for devious, convoluted schemes as my first step but really it’s from them putting obstacles in my way I have to get around. I’d love it if things would be easy since I’m actually really lazy, to the point that it would disgust some people if they knew.” He’d love it if the Yukinoshita family would stop trying to make Yukinoshita fail at everything. While he might be the second-best child to his parents, they wouldn’t try to sabotage him, and, unlike Haruno, his beloved Komachi would never seriously fuck with his head.
“Hachiman, I want to talk to you about something but it’s getting colder out so I’d like to do it someplace where we’re out of the wind.”
Normally Hachiman would think twice about going to a secondary location alone with somebody, but this was Totsuka so he just said, “Sure.”
Totsuka offered a hand to help him up, which Hachiman didn’t need but wouldn’t refuse. As Totsuka helped pull him up off the bench, Hachiman noted a strong grip and strong arm, and even though he knew better, he often forgot, like so many other people did, that Totsuka was a jock, because he looked so pretty, soft, and delicate. He felt colder when Totsuka withdrew his warm hand from that clasp.
Totsuka led him to an outdoor storage shed on school grounds, one used the most by the school’s athletic programs, teams, and clubs. As the tennis club captain, Totsuka had a key. It felt slightly warmer inside with the door closed, out of the wind, but still cold enough that their breath steamed. Again, Hachiman might feel nervous about this setup if he’d been here alone with most other people. Although it had a window, not much light came in, so Hachiman appreciated Totsuka turning on the ceiling lamp. An occasional dust mote floated in the air.
“I’m sorry I haven’t had much time for you lately,” Totsuka said. Totsuka, who ate, slept, and breathed tennis, strove to become the best he could be.
“You’re working toward your dream, and I really respect that, so don’t worry about it.”
“But it makes what I want to ask about seem kinda selfish.”
Totsuka? Selfish? “I really doubt that.”
Totsuka openly psyching himself up looked adorable, but Hachiman wondered what could possibly need this kind of effort.
Taking a breath, Totsuka said, earnestness just about glowing off him, “I really like you, Hachiman. I like you.”
For about a minute it didn’t even register. Maybe Hachiman’s ears had malfunctioned or he’d fallen asleep in the cold darkness and started dreaming, because this kind of thing didn’t happen to him. This had to be a joke, not a real love confession, right? This couldn’t be possible. There was a phone hidden somewhere recording it to post it publicly and embarrass Hachiman if he took it seriously, because who would confess love to him? But this was Totsuka, who looked dead serious and wouldn’t do that kind of thing.
Words failed him, but eventually Hachiman choked out a “Why?”
“You’re smart and funny, kind and loyal. And cool! You have a big heart and go out of your way for people without a reward. You’re cute too.”
Whomever Totsuka was talking about, he sounded great but Hachiman didn’t know him. Also, cute? Cool? “You’re... projecting. I don’t have a big heart or kindness, ask anybody. At best, for me it’s a... justice thing.” Ugh. “That sounded so pretentious, I’m sorry.”
Totsuka came in close and took Hachiman’s hands in his, an infusion of warmth and maybe an attempt to add emphasis. The few people who touched Hachiman often did it to control/stop or punish him, but this felt completely different. Nobody ever looked at Hachiman--saw him--the way Totsuka usually did, and this time it was so much more than usual. Affection and sincerity. This was real.
“Hachiman, I like you. I want you to be with me, go out with me. Do... do you like me like that too?”
In the face of that, Hachiman owed him the truth. “Yes.” His voice came out sounding soft and choked because he could barely breathe through the feeling of fullness in his chest, his heart. His face felt hot, and he might cry, though he’d try not to. “Maybe more than I should.” He’d been having inappropriate thoughts and feelings about Totsuka almost since they’d first met. A lot of the people who noticed it thought it was funny, the badly socialized boy being so badly socialized that he kept forgetting the pretty kid wasn’t actually a girl and mooning over him, stupidly falling for the “trap”; the possibility of Hachiman not being hung up over a person’s gender if he liked the person didn’t appear to cross their minds. Besides, how could anyone not love Totsuka Saika?
Totsuka’s smile turned incandescent, blinding, and Hachiman didn’t think he’d ever made a person that happy before, didn’t think he could. Totsuka blushed and asked, “Can I... kiss you?” Then blushed darker. “You don’t have to say yes! I would totally understand and wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t say yes.”
Having wandered this deeply into some blissful fever dream, Hachiman figured he might as well push things as far as they could go. “Yes.” Though Totsuka could have asked if he could break Hachiman’s arm, stab him in the heart, or trample him, and Hachiman would’ve said yes to those too.
Beaming at Hachiman, a joyful mini sun, Totsuka came in closer. His soft, warm lips lightly brushed Hachiman’s, the kiss of a butterfly or an angel, making Hachiman shiver. But that turned out to be reconnaissance. Totsuka let go of Hachiman’s hands to put his arms around him and this time fervently pressed his mouth to Hachiman’s, passionate. “Hachiman, you can touch me. Please touch me,” Totsuka said, and Hachiman appreciated the brief parting of their lips because he’d forgotten to breathe while they’d been together.
Most of the time nobody wanted Hachiman to touch them, to the point that some people would probably consider him touch-starved, so getting invited and encouraged blew his mind and left him shaky. Totsuka’s hair felt soft and sleek and warm, as Hachiman had thought it might. Totsuka put out so much warmth all over that Hachiman further resented having his own coat and scarf in the way of further experiencing it, further feeling everything.
“Can I undo your scarf and unbutton your coat?” Totsuka asked softly, hotly, against Hachiman’s lips, making Hachiman wonder if Totsuka could read minds.
“Yeah, please.”
Smiling, Totsuka did it gently and tenderly, then moved in closer and put his hands up under Hachiman’s school blazer too to touch his back, leaving only two shirts between them and bare skin. Although Hachiman wanted to untuck those two shirts so he could get skin to skin contact, it would involve Totsuka backing off again while Hachiman did it, so no. When Totsuka pulled down the collars of the shirts more to kiss Hachiman’s bare neck, Hachiman melted down, with it feeling like only Totsuka’s tight hug kept him standing upright. It felt so good having his arms around Totsuka, holding him close.
“I’ve wanted to hug you for the longest time,” Totsuka murmured against his neck, sending shivers through him. Hachiman didn’t need to ask why, not when he knew Totsuka’s deep compassion and now deep liking for him and Totsuka knew what a clusterfuck Hachiman’s life could be at times.
Totsuka might be the only person in Hachiman’s life who ever really made things easy for him. Just straightforwardly confessed to him out of nowhere, requiring only a yes or no in return. Asked to kiss and touch him and encouraged him to reciprocate. Just asked him for things in general. No manipulation, no layers or subtext to comb through, no quid pro quo, no “loving” insults, no expectation that Hachiman had to “earn” anything from him. No need for Hachiman to try to sneak around Totsuka.
By contrast, Hachiman had figured that he’d make Yukinoshita’s prom a reality by whatever means or personal costs necessary, then confess his feelings for her and probably spend about 30 minutes convincing her to take him. Maybe she’d even admit to liking him at the end of that.
What he had right now was better than that.
It would definitely shift his relationships with Yukinoshita and Yuigahama, and he’d have to think about that and figure out an honorable way to deal with it. But not now, not with Totsuka here deserving his full attention.
“But this confession is kinda selfish of me,” Totsuka said, “because of all my tennis commitments. I’m going to cut back on them a bit to make more time for you.”
“What? No. That’s your dream,” Hachiman replied.
“You’re part of my dream too, Hachiman.”
His chest felt too full and hurt hearing that. In a good way, but still. “...please don’t make me cry, Saika.”
“You called me ‘Saika’! Please do that more often!”
“I’ll try. You know, you don’t have to make any major changes yet because I’m still committed to this whole prom thing for a while. I’m gonna get the first one accomplished and maybe some version of the second one too just to have Yukinoshita’s mother choke on it.” Noticing the look on Totsuka’s face, Hachiman said, “I told you it wasn’t compassion.”
“Maybe compassion for Yukinon. I’ve never really met her mother.”
“Oh, she’s lovely.”
Totsuka... Saika snorted. Adorably, the way he did almost everything. “But we need to do something. I’m guessing you wouldn’t like PDA at school.”
“Only because I worry about your reputation being seen publicly with me. I... don’t have a policy about public displays of affection that personally involve me.” There had been absolutely no need for one.
“Okay. We can talk about it. But right now, I want to get you somewhere that’s warm.”
“You’re warm enough for me.”
“Warmer than that.”
“Are you hungry? I could bring you home and make you some curry for dinner. Komachi loves my curry.” More daring than Hachiman would usually be, inviting someone to his house, to dinner, to a meal he was making himself, but this was Saika. “She’s not home tonight, so it would just be us.” Too late, Hachiman saw how that might sound. Accustomed to Yukinoshita’s constant vocal fears for her chastity in his perverted presence, he expected to hear something about it.
But Totsuka just asked, “It wouldn’t be any trouble for you?”
If Saika didn’t bring it up, Hachiman certainly wouldn’t, so he just replied, “No. I’d like it.”
“Then yes. If you’ll let me help you put it together.”
They’d both walked to school that morning so they walked to Hachiman’s house together, with Saika sometimes holding Hachiman’s hand, so casually and naturally, even as Hachiman quietly lost his mind over it. Could he even get used to it? He spent so much of his life in a perpetual state of offense/defense, having learned from experience that any moment he showed openness or softness could be used against him and made to hurt, the whole thing made worse by how it felt like he’d brought it on himself. But he’d try, for Totsuka’s sake.
At the house, Saika continued to insist that he be allowed to help make the food, which went against what Hachiman would consider for a guest but Saika reasonably countered that he’d need something to do anyway while Hachiman concentrated on the curry. As they worked together, they’d talk about whatever or have the occasional comfortable silence, and it was really nice and got the curry finished faster. Saika, with his happy, fond smiles and bright eyes, made everything feel lighter and brighter. They ate seated across from each other at the kotatsu, warm and cozy, with their feet and legs occasionally touching and Saika sometimes holding Hachiman’s free hand for a while. While Hachiman would second- and triple-guess trying to hold someone’s hand--what it would mean, when it would be appropriate to do it--Saika just trusted his instincts and went for it, which made sense for his preferred sport.
It was so easy. How many people tried to make anything easy for Hachiman?
Saika complimented Hachiman on the meal, saying that he really did make a great curry, while Hachiman attributed it to the company.
Saika also insisted on helping with the clean-up, which led to him washing the pots, dishes, utensils, and cups and Hachiman drying and putting them away, since he knew where they should be stored. Sometimes their fingers touched as Saika handed something over. Hachiman had been touched more in the last few hours than he had in many months. (He refused to count the paramedics and doctors who patched and bandaged him up after he was hit by the Yukinoshitas’ car at the beginning of school.) He felt... fizzy, sensitive. Everything around him seemed more... there, including himself.
They mostly chatted about light stuff and had a few more comfortable silences, until Hachiman had to ask, “What made you decide to confess today? Was my idea for a second prom proposal that out there?”
“With you now wrangling two prom proposals and trying to make things happen for both? A little, that was part of it, but the final straw was seeing you sitting on that bench so drained, with them having you carrying everything for everybody again.”
“‘Them’?”
“The usual suspects. You know who I mean, Hachiman. And you’ve reached the point where I have to include you in that ‘them’ because you’ve been trained to throw yourself into the fire without anyone asking anymore.”
“So, you’re saving me from myself?” Hachiman could be somewhat offended over that.
“I hope I can. If I have to.”
“I don’t need someone to.”
“I hope you accept your own value more and save yourself. I care about you so it can be hard to watch, so if you won’t do it for yourself, maybe do it for me?”
Somewhat offended, and kind of impressed and moved. As ever, Totsuka’s soft and fluffy appearance cloaked a core of steel. Hachiman asked, “Now who’s devious?”
“I’m told by someone in the know that it’s okay if it’s for a good cause.”
With everything from dinner cleaned, dried, and put away--did the house look cleaner than it did when Saika arrived?--Saika said with obvious regret that he had to go. “But I’m looking forward to seeing you at school tomorrow.”
“It doesn’t have to end yet. I could walk you home,” Hachiman replied. “I want to.”
“I just got you out of the cold! Besides, it would undo me walking you home tonight, because after you walked me home you’d have to walk yourself home alone.”
Hachiman snorted. “I hadn’t thought of it that way. Sneaky of you. Now that I think about it, we could get trapped in an infinite loop of walking each other home.”
“Let’s not! Can I have a goodnight kiss?”
What kind of kiss did Saika want? What kind would be appropriate? Playing it safe, Hachiman moved in for a sweet, soft peck on the cheek, but Saika grabbed him and went for his lips, at which point he lost track of time. When he resurfaced, he found himself and Saika standing tangled closely together in an embrace, mussed and breathing a bit hard, and it wasn’t the only way they were... doing something hard. All the touching over the last few hours had truly woken his body up. Blushing, lips fuller and a little slick, eyes a bit hazed, hungry, Saika looked delectable. Hachiman had no idea what he looked like at the moment, but probably not even close to that cute.
“If this is the kind of thing that could happen,” Hachiman said, “maybe we shouldn’t do public displays of affection at school.”
“Do you think this’ll happen every time?” Saika sounding that breathy did unfair things to Hachiman’s equilibrium.
“I dunno, but right now I want to kiss you all over.” When Saika blushed harder, Hachiman said, “Not like that! Wait, maybe a little like that.” At some point, Hachiman had worried that he idealized Saika too much and in a wrong way, put him up on a pedestal, thought too much about Saika’s purity, but this showed him that might not be as big a problem as he’d thought.
Some people might have run away hearing that, but Saika just gentled the embrace into an affectionate hug, shifting it into something less lascivious. Still blushing, Saika replied, “Another time. I... look forward to it. Good night, Hachiman. See you tomorrow.”
Hachiman kept the door open and watched Saika walk away until he disappeared from sight. Although it made him a little sad to see him go, Hachiman didn’t entirely lose the light, bright, full feeling Saika had given him.
When he woke the next morning, Hachiman had some worries that he’d maybe made more out of things than they actually were, that yesterday couldn’t have really happened, but Totsuka’s smiling, affectionate greeting at school of “Yahello, Hachiman!” at Hachiman’s desk was about 80% more intense and blinding than usual, so about 190%, peak Totsuka. Saika’s gaze at him felt so loving. Yesterday had been real.
Although Hachiman gave his customary reply of “Yo,” he felt that his adoring smile back was wider and brighter than usual, and his face and chest felt hot. Only a dead man would fail to respond to Saika.
Feeling some kind of shift in the classroom, Hachiman turned around to look at some of his fellow students. Although many hadn’t taken any notice of him, some looked at him in shock. Ebina looked like she might pass out from euphoric joy, while Yuigahama appeared confused.
Did he and Saika just out themselves?