Chapter Text
Lexa wakes later than usual. It’s not uncommon, but it’s frustrating all the same. She doesn’t like to start her day behind schedule - doesn’t like to waste the mornings because more often than not those quiet moments while the sun is rising are the only moments in the day that she’ll get to herself.
Still, sleep has become a bit of an issue for her. She’s struggled for a while to find good rest at night. No amount of tea or salve or studied meditation can seem to quiet her mind enough to let her fall asleep without effort.
She sits up on her bed today, taking in the chill of the early morning. Her legs sting with the cool air that blows in through the open balcony of her room atop the tower. Lexa has made sure to keep her schedule as busy as possible. With each month that passes and as her sleep becomes more and more of a struggle, she adds tasks to keep her distracted.
Perhaps it is not to the liking of everyone - the hunters when she joins them, the random patrols she attends for no reason. Worst of all has to be her poor Natblidas, who have seen their time with Heda grow more and more each week.
She enjoys being around them. They give her peace and comfort - they help her feel more connected to her duty and to herself. Their presence makes the future seem less empty.
In a more direct way, they help her feel less alone.
Taking a deep breath and closing her eyes, Lexa swings her legs off the bed and presses her hands into her eyes to clear them. She gives herself two minutes to sit and wake up - she’s late but she wants to be in the right frame of mind before starting her day. That means shutting off the thoughts that flounder like unwanted flecks of algae in the water. They poison her, slowly but they are there and they are unbecoming of someone with the responsibilities she possesses. Yet, Lexa often fears what might happen if they were to vanish entirely. As if losing her greatest doubts and regrets might truly make her the empty vessel some wish her to be.
It’s been so long now, too long for her to still struggle like this. It is her greatest weakness and it is exactly that, a weakness. Not in the way she was reprimanded for years ago - no, that wasn't a weakness, that was youth. It was unknowing and unlearned.
She is stronger now. She’s proven that at the Mountain and beyond. Putting her people above all else.
She did that, she’ll never regret saving them.
What she does regret, is the memory of the blue eyes that look back at her, even now when she goes to bed at night, she sees them. She sees her looking so utterly and completely betrayed - defeated.
It haunts Lexa, perhaps it always will. No moment in her life has felt more wrong than that. Not taking the life of someone who begged and pleaded. Not choosing to sacrifice one group to fortify the safety of so many more. Not even sending Anya to encounter the people who fell from the sky, only to lose her in the chaos because of it or ending Gustus’ fight for simply trying to protect her.
No, those were choices. Those were the acts of a commander and a leader.
The choice Heda made at the Mountain was for her people. The commander made a decision to save them, one she would do a thousand times over. She was their leader, their Heda and they always came first.
The choice Lexa made at the mountain is one she dreams about. It’s the one decision in her life that always plays out differently in her mind. She doesn’t walk away. She doesn’t break her word. She stands there, side by side with Clarke and together they fall the Maunon.
It is a regret, her biggest and most defining.
It haunts her even now and she welcomes it. In a tragic sort of way, it is the only connection she has left to Clarke. If she loses that feeling, she isn’t sure what will remain.
Lexa’s free time passes, she knows it has to end. She replaces the loneliness and the regret with a feeling of silliness. It’s almost annoying that something that happened eight full seasons ago seems to haunt her every single day. Maybe it would be easier if Clarke were still here, still visible and within reach. If Lexa could have the chance to fix it.
But Clarke is not here. She does not wish to be found.
So Lexa must press on. She has work to do.
Standing up, Lexa puts on her mask of decisiveness and determination. She, much like her people, will survive.
Her day drags on, but it isn’t entirely unpleasant. Lexa is able to spend a great deal of it outside and occupied. They are in the process of expanding their market area with the growing population and the inclusion of Skaikru to the main market. It isn’t much and that alliance is still shaky, but there are a few brave people from the sky who have found solace here.
Lexa welcomes them, protects them and it is known that they are allowed. This expansion is mostly beneficial to them, but also because the things they make and trade are so different than anything her people have. It is all very new and the space is needed to keep everyone satisfied. If a trader who’s had their post in Polis for a decade is suddenly crowded out by Skaikru and their wares then that would cause conflict.
If Lexa prides herself on anything, it is her ability to work towards calming conflict before it reaches a breaking point.
This is a smaller example of that, but not unimportant.
Still, there are doubts and questions and she fields them every day. The people are kind, they worry but they trust her decision.
She’s earned that. It isn’t a trust given by the title she carries, but by the sacrifices she’s made.
Her people admire her.
It is their representatives that speak louder and sometimes forget their place. They question her favoritism, not understanding that new people have to feel comfortable. That if they push the Skaikru away they open themselves up to conflict.
Skaikru also have the support they gained when the Maun fell. It has carried them far with her people. They are welcome in Polis - this extra space may upset some old leaders stuck in the past, but for Lexa, it has been earned.
Some still doubt - they still have trouble separating the Skaikru from the people of the mountain. They use their weapons and technology and the uncertainty of it all brings fear.
Lexa understands this fear, she truly does - but Skaikru have worked for their place on the ground. They’ve bled for it.
Even if some, like the newly found members of Skaikru, Farm Station, seem unstable and entitled - they are a small number and Kane has assured Lexa they will not be a problem.
Lexa keeps her distance as she watches them build. The new area is more enclosed then most of the spaces in the market. The equipment Skaikru uses is loud and can be dangerous. It has been explained to Lexa a few times but she struggles to understand all of it. Raven tells her the people working know what they’re doing - they just don’t want to scare anyone.
In Raven’s own words, “the Grounders will be eating out of the palm of our hands when they see the stuff we’ll make them.”
It’s another in a string of odd sayings the Skaikru had, but Octavia assures her it means they will be thankful and Lexa hopes that was right.
As the sun starts to set on Polis, Lexa has an ache in her head and her feet are sore from walking. Still, she has to sit through two separate meetings with members of the Sangedakru and one of her own people who were caught stealing.
Lexa has seen the man before. He wanders around outside of her tower often, he seems harmless, though his mind is never entirely present. She didn’t pay him much mind - only noticing that her guards would keep a steady watch whenever Lexa was near him.
Still, he’s broken the law and despite any shortcomings he might have, the punishment is justified. His hands will be removed. It’s a sentence normally met with distress, but when Lexa cast her judgment, he hardly seems to register it.
By the time she makes it back to her room, Lexa is exhausted. She discards her shoulder guard and boots and simply leaves them on the floor. Someone will be in with her dinner soon enough and they can pick them up.
Instead, Lexa decides to lie down, forgoing grace and falling face first onto the soft comforts of her bed. She’s almost asleep when someone knocks on her door. She growls, wondering what kind of resistance there would be to a beheading for sleep prevention.
Lexa pushes herself up, pinches the bridge of her nose to try and queel the pain behind her eyes and stomps to the door. When she opens it, Indra is there.
“ Heda ,” she says with a bow of her head. “Octavia has arrived with a message for you.”
That’s...unusual. The Skaikru may have formed an alliance of comfort with her people, but they almost never came to her directly with anything. They would work through others to gain more ground within the coalition, but to come to her directly it could only be…
“ Lid in em raun ” Lexa says , her voice betraying the eagerness she feels.
Indra steps aside and reveals Octavia standing about fifteen feet down the hall, hands behind her back and waiting. She and Lexa aren’t close, but she is still a sekon and follows Indra’s orders without fail.
“Come forward, Okteivia kom Skaikru .” Octavia takes four steps in Lexa’s direction and stops again. “You bring news from Arkadia?”
Octavia nods. “I do.”
Lexa nods, Skaikru is still relatively new. It feels safer to keep these conversations private. “Let us speak in my quarters. Indra, kep in ai raun .”
Indra nods once and Lexa makes her way into her room with Octavia hesitantly following. The door closes as soon as Octavia is in. Indra puts extra emphasis on everything she does for no reason other than personality. Lexa’s always found it amusing.
Turning to face Octavia, Lexa puts her hands behind her back and waits. The pain in her head is gone now, her focus entirely on this conversation and what it might mean. She worries it might be that man, Pike, who has been a point of discussion since last winter.
“Speak,” she gestures and Octavia stands a little straighter.
“Abby is sick.” She says and Lexa feels her brows furrow.
“Do...you require a healer?”
Octavia shakes her head. “No, I...no. It’s not that kind of sick.”
“Is she injured?”
“She’s been feeling kind of…off for a while now, apparently she ran some tests and there’s a tumor on her brain.”
Lexa wonders why Octavia whispers when she says it. “A...tumor?” She doesn’t know this word.
The way Octavia sighs at Lexa’s curiosity isn’t of frustration, it’s more of pain. Like she doesn’t want to have to explain it because of how it makes her feel. That alone brings knots into Lexa’s stomach. “It’s a growth. It’s...unnatural and bad. It’s very bad.”
“What does she need? We can send our healers to fetch you whatever is required and if you need help we have people who can aid -”
“No,” Octavia waves her off. The posture of Heda and follower has long since passed. Octavia looks exhausted and Lexa allows her to feel that freely. “It’s not something that can be fixed with medicine or herbs or...time. It’s…damaging her brain. She thinks she has about three months.”
“To live?”
Octavia frowns. “ Sha. ”
That knot in Lexa’s stomach plummets and she feels a sickness tickling in her throat. She doesn’t know Abby kom Skaikru well, but she knows she’s a fighter. She also knows how important Abby is to her people. How important she was to this union and the cleansing of the Mountain last summer.
Lexa has been told before that Abby, with her skills as a fisa, is irreplaceable.
When she looks into Octavia’s eyes again, she recognizes what’s coming. She understands why Octavia is here. “What do you need?” She asks, a formality only. She already knows.
The answer is simple. “Clarke.”
Lexa takes a slow breath. “I do not know where she is.” Lexa says but there’s no force behind it.
Octavia surprisingly smiles. “I know you do.” She tilts her head down respectfully. “You know everything, Heda .”
It’s true, shortly after learning that Clarke had left, Lexa sent a few scouts to find her. She told them to leave her be, to make sure they never knew she was there - she just wanted to make sure Clarke was okay. She owed her that much.
Clarke was new to the ground, even if she’d long since proved herself a survivor. The circumstances and choices Lexa made might have shattered any hope she’d have of Clarke seeing her the way she wanted, but Lexa would make sure she was safe.
Wanheda had a reputation of her own now, with that came enemies.
When Clarke settled in the small village of Dex Fi , Lexa made sure the people there knew to look after her. She’d heard of nothing out of the ordinary since. Only the surprise that Clarke had stayed so long.
This is never the way Lexa imagined their reunion going. “I am sure she does not wish to see me, Octavia.”
There is a beat of silence that passes between them. Again, Lexa sees that fire of rebelliousness in Octavia’s eyes. “With all due respect, Heda . This isn’t about you.”
From anyone else, in any situation, there would be consequences for speaking to her that way. Octavia did not speak with disrespect or anger - but with a truth Lexa could not deny.
Relaxing her shoulders, Lexa nods once. “You are right.”
“You’ll bring her back?”
Another nod. She’s sure Clarke won’t be receptive of her showing up, but she knows Clarke will return for her nomon . “She is a four-day journey away. I will bring her as quickly as I can.”
Octavia smiles, a relief in her eyes. “ Mochof .”
With that, Octavia takes her leave and Lexa is alone again.
For the last two years, she’s had so many thoughts of Clarke’s eyes, her hair and her voice swimming around in her head. They feel distant, like memories. Sometimes she associates them with Costia, though not as grim - but in a sense that it is something she’s had and lost. Something she will never have again. The life she’s been given is not meant for the desires she has. For the future she often lets herself dream about.
Now, she has no choice but to confront it. It will almost certainly end in Clarke’s anger and hatred consuming her and Lexa will stand steady and take it.
As Octavia said, this is not about her.