Work Text:
a m o r f a t i
by lilylilym
winner | minhoon | m | kinks | angst | anti-religion undertone
He shoved Seunghoon through the door, his hands holding the older's back tightly as they stumbled into the dark room. He could feel that the other man was reaching toward the wall to find the light switch, but he wouldn't let him. "Leave it," his voice almost sounded like a soft growl. "We don't need light right now." In the shadow, he could hear Seunghoon chuckling, "think your lord might be able to spot you if you turn on the light?"
Mino was stunned for a second. He let go of Seunghoon, stepped back and patted his hand across the wall until he found the button and pushed it. The sudden light got him frowned. In front of him, Seunghoon was standing tall, hands across his almost bare chest. All the button of his shirt were gone from the earlier encounter, it seemed.
“Hyung, what are you getting at?”
“Don’t even try to hide that you prayed and confessed after every single night we spent together.” Seunghoon smirked as he pulled his shirt tighter to cover his skin. “It is that troubling for you, isn’t it?”
“Hyung, I didn’t mean that.” Mino quickly came up and grabbed Seunghoon into his arms. Seunghoon let himself be pulled against Mino without resisting. He spoke tenderly.
“Am I one of the sins that your lord forbid?”
Mino could smell the alcohol in the soft breath that was only inches from his lips. “You’re a bit drunk, hyung…” Mino tried to find a way to get around the issue, as he found all of his excitement just moments ago vanishing bits by bits. “Let’s not do this now.”
“You’re the one who got me drunk - isn’t it the only way we would get ever do this type of thing?” Seunghoon’s face suddenly got so close to Mino’s, and that small gesture almost took his breath away. He could see the older’s gaze running up and down, piercing into his eyes, to his nose, and stopped at his slightly open lips. “Isn’t it easier to justify yourself if you’re dead drunk, you can always say you don’t mean that.” He stopped for a second, then proceeded to place a light kiss upon Mino’s lips.
“It’s okay - I don’t mean that either.”
A strain of pain invaded Mino’s senses when Seunghoon forcefully held his head with both hands, his fingers grabbing the roots of his hair tightly and pulling him into a deeper kiss. “I’m just drunk, I’m here for a good one, that’s all it ever was.” He whispered into Mino’s mouth, and each word entered his ears with the force of a thousand heartbreaks. He wanted to push Seunghoon away, to be the one to take control, and tell him never to say such things again. But all he could do was restlessly standing still, with his reluctant hands around Seunghoon’s hips, feeling each delicate touch upon his lips gradually turning into messy and breathless suckles. Mino’s lips were bruised with the harsh bites that slided in-between kisses; Seunghoon sucked his lower lips a few seconds too long, and he kept pulling the younger one closer, closer, whose head would be locked inside his whole arms. Mino had to force himself out of it. He grasped Seunghoon’s both wrists and held them down as he tried to break free. He could see Seunghoon staring at every movement he made, his eyes dazed with caution, lust, and whatever else Mino wouldn’t be able to describe.
“What has gotten into you?” Mino didn’t even try to hide his labored breathing.
“Nothing much.” Seunghoon pressed his body one more time against Mino’s, and damned if Mino couldn’t feel the other’s bare chest touching his own. The spot where the skin met suddenly felt like burning, and Mino gave up. He released Seunghoon’s wrists and pulled out the older one’s shirt by the sleeves. The shirt slided down from Seunghoon body slowly; bits by bits, from his neck, to his shoulder, then his whole arms. It wasn’t long until the rest of the fabric was dropped to the floor, and Mino ran his hands across Seunghoon's skin, feeling up each centimeter of goosebumps that showed because of the sudden change in temperature. His hands stopped at Seunghoon’s neck – the long, fine thing that looked like it can easily be broken with just a grip. Seunghoon stayed still; his head slightly tilted back as he watched, from the corners of his eyes, the way Mino caressing his neck. Mino put a little more strength onto his grip, his fingers slowly dug into the transparent skin, evoking small prints of redness. Seunghoon closed his eyes as his breath became heavier. Mino wanted to keep going, he wanted to see how long until Seunghoon would tell him to stop. But as usual, he didn’t hear anything from the older man, except for small growls inside his throat. Seunghoon swallowed with difficulty, his Adam’s apple moved up and down in slow motion. Mino let him go.
“You want to do safe words tonight?” Seunghoon scoffed as he patted on his lower part of the neck and slightly coughed. “Thought you were going to strangle me to death.” Mino didn’t respond to any of that. Something has gotten into Seunghoon – and he didn’t know how to deal with it. He wasn’t sure if keep on going was even an option.
“I got carried away, sorry hyung.” He mumbled in the most unconvincing way.
“Nah, you just wanted me to stop talking.” Seunghoon smirked again as he turned around and walked to his bed. “You can turn off the light now.”
Mino could sense the sarcasm in Seunghoon’s voice, but he proceeded to do as he was told. He took off his shirt with only three buttons left, threw it to the corner of the room, and followed Seunghoon to his bed. The room was covered in silence and darkness, he could barely see the older guy, but he could hear the noises that came from his side. Seunghoon was reaching out to the night stand and grabbed a bottle that was already half empty and motioned at Mino:
“You want another drink?”
“No….” Mino stuttered, then changed his mind. “Sure, why not?” The next moment, he would feel the older man climbing on top of him with the bottle in his hand. He took a sip and quickly grabbed Mino by the hair, pulling him up to pour it all into his mouth. The liquid tasted stronger than he remembered and he almost choked. Above him, Seunghoon was wiping his lips, his bare shoulder line reflected the dim light from outside the window, and in the darkness that surrounded them, he could hear his heartbeats go badump-badump-badump. He hesitantly lay his hands on Seunghoon’s spreaded thighs; the pants were tight enough for him to feel what was underneath. “Impatient much?” He heard Seunghoon’s small laugh, “you want to do something fun tonight?” He asked with such suggestions in his voice and Mino didn’t understand how Seunghoon could go from one second interrogating him about his religion and the next just being mere seductive.
“Sure…” He answered with some doubts. What Mino didn’t expect was that Seunghoon would pour the rest of the bottle into him. “What the…” He softly yelled when the cold liquid was all over his stomach. But he didn’t need to ask any other questions, Seunghoon would get down instantly and slowly ran his lips across his belly button. Mino got startled because of the sudden sensation and slightly raised his upper body up, placing his elbows down to hold his body. In front of him was the blurry image of the older guy, with his dark hair splattering all over his skin. The contrast and vivid color of his hair against Mino’s skin quickly invoked a twitch in his lower stomach which he tried really hard not to show. But how could Seunghoon not realize – after all, he was the one who was laying on top of Mino. He softly chuckled; the hot air from his breath that touched Mino’s flesh made the younger one bite his tongue not to make any noises.
“Hyung, you’re gonna have a hang over tomorrow. You can’t even drink.” He said with difficulty.
“I’m fucked either way.” Seunghoon’s nonchalant response took Mino a while until he realized it was a pun. He bursted out a small laugh which would soon turn into coarse grunts that were held inside his throat.
“You. Hyung. Come here.” Mino grabbed Seunghoon’s hair and tried to pull him closer. “Ouch.” Seunghoon got stuck at Mino’s thighs and fell upon his body. “That’s my fucking hair, goddammit.” He cursed out loud, but Mino didn’t let go right away.
“Thought you liked pain?” He asked, with much assertions in his voice.
“Not this type.” Seunghoon got on his knees and climbed closer so that his grabbed hair wouldn’t be too tight on his head. Mino released his hair and sat up, using both freed hands to cup the older’s back and pull against himself. He started kissing on wherever pieces of skin that his lips could find. In his arms, Seunghoon constantly twitched his body to avoid the kisses. “Fuck, this is ticklish.”
“Was our sex always this bad or is it because today we’re not that drunk?” Mino mumbled as he calmed Seunghoon down using his fingernails to scratch his lower back. It always make the ticklish feelings go away. Seunghoon relaxed instantly; the soft moan inside his mouth was loud enough for Mino to know that he wasn’t opposed to a little pain. He sneered in response:
“There’s a reason why homeboy gotta get drunk to screw me, isn’t it?”
Mino decided to not say anything, and slide his hands into the older one’s unbuttoned pants instead. Seunghoon’s sudden jerk told him that that was probably the right move to make – Mino found it hard to communicate during sessions like this. Especially when the topic was something too close to home. He would have done everything he could – and beyond – to please Seunghoon. In the end, whatelse did he ever learn by heart, except for his own lyrics and Seunghoon’s body. He knew exactly where to caress, where to pinch, how slow, how fast; Seunghoon blinked one time meaning that was the area that needed to be worked on, he blinked twice meaning shit was fucking good, and if he tilted his head to the right while looking at you from the corners of his eyes, you were probably exploring some parts of himself that he didn’t even know.
The only knowledge about Seunghoon that he never mastered, was how easy for him to lose interests in the middle of it. Seunghoon pulled Mino’s hands out of his pants and got off Mino’s laps.
“Hyung, what’s going on?” Mino hesitantly asked. Here we go again.
“Look, don’t kid yourself with all that ‘I’m so horny I forgot everything else in the world’. It ain’t working that way.” Seunghoon mindlessly said as he threw a towel on Mino. “Dry your self, I’mma change the sheets later.”
“I really can’t follow you.” Mino said in a small voice.
“It just really fucking bothers me, okay.” Seunghoon didn’t even try to hide his frustration. “I can’t do it if that’s how much of a price you gotta pay.”
“What does?” Mino licked his lips; so much for hoping that Seunghoon wouldn’t come back to the topic he used to open the night.
“Tell me, Mino.” Seunghoon spoke as he sat down on his feet across from Mino. Mino didn’t want to look at him, but Seunghoon held his chin up and made him make eye contacts. “Are you really ashamed of what we did?”
“Look, hyung.” Mino sighed. “I don’t know how to explain this. My faith and all.”
“Ten bucks you don’t think that you’re homosexual too.” Seunghoon smirked. He tugged his hair behind his ear as Mino contentedly observed. “Twenty bucks you’re gonna say that aside from me you don’t look at any other asses.” Mino frowned at Seunghoon’s mocking words.
“Why would you say that? That’s mean, hyung.” His shoulders slightly drooped. He looked up again when he heard Seunghoon’s stern voice:
“That was a question.”
“You might very well frame it in a different way and the question wouldn’t lose any meaning.” He replied with a similar tone.
“Okay? Shall I put a bet that those are the thoughts in your mind when you pray?” Seunghoon’s voice was filled with pretentious amusement. He stopped for a second, then continued. “I heard you, you know.”
Mino was stunned. He wasn’t expecting Seunghoon to be listening to his deep, dark, spelled out secrets that he trembly mumbled in a hassle every night. He always made sure Seunghoon already fell asleep before silently leaving the bed to find his usual spot next to the bed corner. For once, he didn’t want to have to continue this conversation. God and Seunghoon never appeared in his thoughts at the same time. At least, he forced himself to never think of both. Seunghoon unsettled all of his faith, beliefs, and he was fine with it. Until the heavy breathings became stable and the heated body contacts ran cold, when the night returned to its silence and all the lights turned off, Mino would find himself on his knees and he started to pray for forgiveness.
This, then, is how you should pray: "Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.
Mino’s pupils dilated when he heard Seunghoon mumbled his prayers without misplacing one word. He looked at Seunghoon, just to witness a strain of sadness and bitterness that came from those eyes. “Always flattered to be called an evil temptation, you know.” Seunghoon let out a tiny chuckle as he dug his fingers into his hair and scratched down to his neck. “I did not realize how important I am, enough for you to pray for your life, no?”
“Seunghoon.” Mino whispered. “You are very, very…” He stopped for a second, then reached his hand out to touch the older’s eyelids, “...hurt right now, ain’t you?”
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Those were the only words that he could think of when he saw Seunghoon turned away to avoid his touch.
“It doesn’t fucking matter, does it?” Seunghoon scoffed again; he tilted his head back to look at the wall behind him, and Mino knew that the older guy was only trying to fight back his tears. What pained him the most was, even in a situation like this, the guy in front of him would always hide his vulnerability behind those curses, mocks, and laughters. And Mino knows Seunghoon, he knows him intimately, he who has ran his hands underneath those fabrics, who has tasted the inside of those lips, who has spoken into those ears the words of affection with the language that was, most of the time, beyond himself, he knows that the person to whom he wholeheartedly belongs, would still put him outside of the walls that he has built around his heart.
“C’mon. Hyung. Lee Seunghoon hyung.” Mino sounded like he was ready to beg. “You don’t mean to hurt me. You just don’t know how to let me know you’re hurt. But the way you’re saying it is hurting me.” Mino was surprised at how eloquent, and gosh, how honest he sounded just now. He unconsciously repeated again. “Your words really hurt me, and you know that.”
“I do. That’s why I said it.” Seunghoon lay down on his side and covered his face. By now, Mino was sure that his favorite person in the world is crying. And he didn’t know how to deal with that. He awkwardly stayed still, only reach out to tap on Seunghoon’s knees as if comforting him. “Because you want to punish me? Because I’m the asshole that makes you sad?” Mino lowered his voice and spoke in a rhythmic way that resembled those cheesy songs that sell, because he knew that would make Seunghoon laugh. As expected, Seunghoon kicked his hand away as he wiped his face and let out a small laugh.
“You’re always good with distracting me. With your words, your face, your body, stuff like that.”
Mino’s ready-to-form smile froze on the spot. Seunghoon wiped his eyes one more time before he sat up. His eyes were swollen and the tiny red spot on his nose, unsurprisingly, made Mino’s heart ache. “You always managed to convince me that my worries were irrational, love. But your praying session got longer each night, and as much as I wanted to, Mino, I cannot pretend that I didn’t know.”
But you could. Mino instantly thought, and he hated himself for that knee-jerk reaction. God, he was really a coward, wasn’t he? Seunghoon moved closer to Mino; his right hand ran through Mino’s bare chest to his neck and stopped at his slightly open mouth. His thumb pressed harder on the lower lips; Mino shut his eyes to stop himself from being aroused at the scene of Seunghoon’s piercing gaze. But he barely managed; every little thing that the man in front of him does, the way he makes him happy, the way he makes him sad, and mad, and drunk; a thousand images flashing through Mino’s mind reminded him how he always yearned for it. The constant heartaches were always there, since the very first time he dared to cross the boundaries that were marked so clearly - he was not supposed to be attracted to Seunghoon, he was not supposed to fall for this man, and even if he did, he was not supposed to act on any of this. But he didn’t listen to the voices inside his head, even when they screamed at him not to do anything. But dear God, despite all the love he has for the savior, if any chance was given, he would still go straight to hell just to be able to grab that fragile wrist one more time, and push that body against a wall, and force a kiss upon those lips. And to feel that electrical feeling again, when Seunghoon took him into his arms the first time.
From inside the blind darkness, he could sense the other’s body moving toward him, as the whispers became closer and closer, like a breath upon his lips.
“It’s just… It really fucking hurts, okay.”
Tears instantly dripped from the corner of his eye; Mino keep them shut so Seunghoon doesn’t see it. From very. very near him, he heard Seunghoon’s trembling but stern voice:
“I don’t need you to change the world because you want to screw me, Mino. But at least don’t fucking hate yourself for doing so.”
* * *
Mino lost counts of the many times he would replay the scene in his head, when he broke down crying, and Seunghoon holding his own head down while mumbling “I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I can’t do this anymore.” It will be okay, Mino wanted to tell Seunghoon. It will be okay, he would say when he might or might not truly believe it. But it was never okay, because after all has been said and done, Seunghoon put his shirt on and abruptly left the room, leaving Mino behind with a mattress soaked with rum, an empty bottle on the nightstand, and dirtied pieces of towels laying all over the floor. Mino put his hands together, trying to come up with some prayers, any kind of prayer that would convince him that this too shall pass, but all he could do was gripping the fingers tightly so he wouldn’t stand up and destroy everything else in the room. He heard water running in the room next to his, and he could vividly imagine Seunghoon standing in the cold shower with his clothes on for hours as he always does whenever he’s upset. Mino stood up and walked toward the direction of the sound and put his ears on the wall. He never prayed that hard before for that sound to stop, for him to be certain that Seunghoon was not drowning himself in the bath tub. He never prayed that hard, not even the first night when he realized that all the prayers from that point on would only be lies because he never intended to stop.
If I dirty my body and my mouth,
hell
maybe I’ll think of you.
The first time the coward-him shoved Seunghoon into the corner of the dirty bathroom in a strange bar, he convinced himself that alcohol made him do stuff. That excuse didn't account for the warmth inside his heart when the older guy didn't reject him. Seunghoon had laughed into his ears before responding to his messy kiss with a lengthy one with both hands around his head as he murmured, "let me show this fucker how I do kisses." Mino took three more shots that night and find himself having a panic attack the next day when he remembered what happened. But he knew he wouldn't stop. He thought of the slender guy inappropriately. He touched himself thinking of that guy, inappropriately, constantly, until that very same person would walk toward him and replace the hand on Mino’s body with his own.
You’re my sleeping pills, my caffeine.
My virus, my vaccine.
My bible, my dirty magazine under the bed.
I’m in trouble.
Your mind never really forget what your body has been through. Now that the missing sensations of warmth that used to linger on Mino’s body constantly reminds him of how lonely and scared he was before Seunghoon, he finds himself everyday thinking less about forgiveness and more about desire. The desire that was marked as illegible, the desire that was rendered as the impossibility of becoming normal, and healthy, and good. Mino wanted to be accepted - to be loved, and it comes at the price of not being able to love the one he chooses.
Seunghoon once told him, “look, Mino, I don’t believe in the same stuff you did, I don’t think much about it, ok, but you remind me of how this world forces itself inside my pants and my brain and determine what kind of person I am and what kind of choices I could make. I’m not here for it.” Mino was torn. He didn’t know how to make of it - he didn’t remember how life was before he came under the light of the lord. It must have been darker than it is now - he laughed at his own bad joke - he truly doubts that anything can get darker than what he is facing - with a chronic loneliness and the constant struggle of finding out what it means to be. But he didn’t remember how to live without Him, the only stable thing to return to when the world is too much of a dark place. He didn’t want to let go of the one man that would love him unconditionally and never betray him the way humans would.
All the while, Seunghoon had let him go.
It should mean that Mino was right. It should mean that Mino chose the right one to stay with. But it didn’t stop him from remembering the way Seunghoon looked when he retreated back to his room, his shoulders drooping and moving motionlessly with hands behind his neck. It didn’t stop him from remembering how long Seunghoon stayed under the cold shower that night, and how red his eyes looked the following days. It didn’t stop him from occasionally knocking three times on the wall next to Seunghoon’s room, desperate to hear him knocking back. It used to be their special way of communicating whenever they fight - knock, knock, knock - I am sorry. Knock, knock, knock. I was wrong. Knock, knock, knock. I miss you. Knock, knock, knock. Let me in. Then the door - whomever it belongs to - would open, and they would whisper into each other’s ear the last three words. I love you.
But Seunghoon never replied again.
So, amongst those days, when Mino doesn’t constantly have to figure out how to forgive himself for all the (he thought) sins he committed, he found himself hollowed like an abandoned house with all four windows opened, in an empty snow field where wind and storm are the only regurlar guests.
* * *
Seoul, xx xx 20xx
Dear hyung,
He started the email like that.
I have been thinking of what to write to you. Delete this. Redo. I remember you told me how I hated myself, and I don’t. This doesn’t sound right. I mean, Jesus love me, He love me. Seunghoon would destroy his computer when he reads his sentence.
Hyung,
I don’t expect you to accept my apologies, my reckless behaviors hurt you lots. But I know you don’t want my apologies, because I didn’t do it to hurt you. I mean how could I - I have never loved you enough. But do you see, loving you put me through hell and back and I took it, I rightfully push the gas pedal to race straight to the deep, dark pits that I knew was awaiting for me at the end of the road. Loving you hurts, and I took every chances I could, just to get used to the pain. You see, hyung, my belief brings me peace, and faith, and I needed that simplicity in my life where I didn’t have to ask the damn questions I always did when people failed me. I learned to forgive everything and everyone, but you appeared, and you were the only one I could never learn to forgive.
You should have stayed with me, to go through this with me. But you let me go, and every, every, everyday I was reminded of how unforgiving I really was, and despite having God in my life my hands were left empty, and you were not there anymore. Everything stopped making sense. If God loves me He would have presented me with a choice. But He does because He will always forgive me whatever I choose. But He does not, because my choices will always be sinful to Him. I never chose you over Him, but God know I will if a choice was given.
Hyung, you left me. You never gave me a choice. I was grateful for it. How much would I hate you if you told me to give up a big part, a central part of myself just to be with you. But then wouldn’t it be easier, I would just hate you instead and I might not have to think about everything that I’m thinking right now. You would just become another selfish human being that He told me to forgive. I could not forgive you, hyung. Because you never need it.
And like God, you told me to forgive myself.
Which I never did.
Hyung,
I am sure you know how tiresome living is. I’m sure you have always been telling me before, but it was always ways over my head, for everything I judge, I based them on the value I was taught to be the standards. It took me you to realize how much of an illusion the idea of a simple world based on good and evil, sin and forgiveness is. You showed me that there was no choice by just leaving me behind - there is none but my choice and no one can really determine it for me. If you were to give me two choices - you or Him - I would not not know who to choose. I was not used to having choices.
And by that, I mean, I chose myself. I chose myself over you, hyung. I chose my insignificant, existential messiness and confusion over you; I cowardly stood on the other side of a line you vaguely drew on the floor, thinking that the invisible wall was made of iron and steel and fire storms and I was not supposed to cross that. I stayed there, and prayed, I prayed for so long for an answer but there was none. Because there was no question. When it came to my senses that,
oh God, He doesn’t love me.
I know, He doesn’t love me.
that’s when I realize, Neither do I.
And now that I have no choice left,
can I still choose you?
.
.
.
.
Mino flicked the cigarette into the ashtray and exhaled deeply before hitting the ‘send’ button. He stood up and started walking inside his room while mindlessly litting up another cigarettes. He pulled the curtains to the side, opening up the window, letting the city light and the sound from the street occupy his room for moments to repress the anxious feeling inside his stomach. He didn’t reread what he wrote in the email he sent. Which was something he never did before. He had written hundreds of letters and journals and reread them hundreds of times, but every single time he ended up hating the pretentious tone that he used to talk about himself. He used to think Seunghoon was such an emotional mess for not being able to show his vulnerability, but there he was, hiding behind the beliefs that because he knows how to love God he would know how to love others. Or himself. So he laid it all out, his rambling, his messy thoughts, his anger, his wounds, his love, his hatred, his remembering, his forgetting. Himself.
It was painful. Showing your loved ones what you are truly made of. Mino was made from skin and flesh and bones and a thousand questions that were never answered. If you truly love someone, would you lie to protect them or would you tell the truth even if it hurts? If you love someone, would you sin for them or would you forgive the way they sin against you?
Wrong question. The question is, how do you truly love when you never know what love is.
Mino doesn’t know love. He only hopes to start to learn again, when he hears three gentle knocks on the door, despite all the noises of traffic coming from the open windows that should have been loud enough to surpass the sounds of those knocks. But Mino hears it, clearly in his head, as he closes his eyes for a moment before walking up that direction. He cannot hide his smile when a familiar face appears so close to his behind the opened door.
“Who are you and what are you up to?” Mino slowly mumbles as he fights back the waves of emotions coming from the butterflies in his stomach.
“Name is Lee Seunghoon, and I’m here to show this fucker how to love himself.”
Mino let himself be slowly pushed into the room by Seunghoon, as the door quickly closes behind them.
End./.