Chapter Text
Nie Huaisang spent two years researching, calculating, and perfecting the spell he needed to take him back to when his brother had been alive and save him. Two years of study, two years locked away in a library at night while he spent the days shaking his head and crying, two years of keeping the Nie sect afloat with raw will and feral intent and the knowledge that none of it mattered. None of it mattered because none of it was going to happen. None of it mattered because he was going to go back and change things. He was going to go back and tell his brother what was happening, and they were going to stop Jin Guangyao, and nothing that had happened in the past two years would actually happen.
Two years, he thought, and somewhere along the way he must have slipped a bead in the wrong column on the suanpan because he was nowhere near when he meant to be.
His first inclination, when Mo Xuanyu had brought him the spell of reversal from the secret room at Koi Tower, was to merely go back a few years. Go back far enough to warn his brother of what was happening, to somehow convince Lan Xichen that Jin Guangyao was a murderer who had to be killed.
But then he had decided he needed more time. Jin Guangyao was clever and malicious and had clearly been planning this for years. Killing Nie Mingjue was, of course, the thing that Nie Huaisang was most determined to prevent. But Jin Guangyao had done other terrible things, too. Nie Huaisang was convinced he had killed his father (although, he thought, no great loss there) and was almost as certain that he had murdered his son.
Then something Mo Xuanyu had said, something casual about the way Jin Guangyao was systematically eliminating his illegitimate brothers from the line of his succession, had made the last piece fall into place. If Jin Guangyao had arranged Jin Zixuan’s death, that meant he was, indirectly, responsible for Wei Wuxian’s.
“How far back do I have to go to stop him from committing all the evil he committed?” he had asked his birds, frustrated.
Naturally, the birds did not answer, but he was still thinking about it the next day when one of their eggs hatched. It seemed like a sign. To the beginning. He had to go all the way back to the beginning, to find Jin Guangyao at birth, and eliminate him then. Only then would his evil truly be prevented.
He didn’t know exactly how old Jin Guangyao was, but they were close in age. So he had targeted the spell to three years before his own birth. If he was a little early or a little late, that would be fine. It didn’t need to be exact.
Which was a good thing, because it very much hadn’t been.
The first thing he had done, despite the fact that he was there for Jin Guangyao, was go to The Unclean Realm. He just had to see his brother again, even if it was only for a few minutes. He would say he was a rogue cultivator just passing by. Nie Mingjue was eight years older than he was, so he would only be a toddler, but even so, it would be enough.
But Nie Mingjue wasn’t a toddler; he was a robust boy of twelve, already skilled with a saber and shouting at the disciples to give him a real challenge in their sparring matches, while Nie Huaisang’s younger self cheered him on.
Fucking math.
Well, it was fine. Jin Guangyao - well, he would be Meng Yao at this point, best to think of him as Meng Yao - wouldn’t be an infant, but he would still be a child. Nie Huaisang could handle a child.
When Mo Xuanyu had showed him the spell, Nie Huaisang had said to him, “You know that if I change things, you won’t exist anymore?”
Mo Xuanyu had laughed bitterly and said, “Like my slut of a father won’t still find an excuse to stick his dick in my mother.”
“Fair,” Nie Huaisang had said, “but you, as you are right now . . .”
“That’s fine,” Mo Xuanyu said with a shrug. “That’s good, even.”
Nie Huaisang wasn’t sure about that, but, well, Mo Xuanyu was right in that he would be born again. And the other people he was erasing, well, who would envy their lives? Almost everyone Nie Huaisang had ever cared about was dead. Lan Wangji existed in a perpetual state of mourning over his lost love. Lan Xichen grieved Nie Mingjue’s death almost as much as Nie Huaisang did, and if he ever found out who had been behind it, it would break him beyond repair.
Their lives would all be infinitely better without Jin Guangyao in them. He was doing them a favor with the changes he was making, so it would be fine.
There was no second spell, no way to leap forward afterwards and take his place in the changed timeline. Whatever he did, he would have to live out those years by himself. He wouldn’t be able to use his own name. He wouldn’t even be able to see his brother, beyond a few brief trips when his younger self was still young - someone would surely notice the resemblance once his younger self got older. When it came to a long-term plan, he didn’t really have one. Or maybe he would be able to just explain things to his brother, and everything would be fine. It was a bit of a fantasy, but really, didn’t they both deserve some happiness?
All of that decided, he went to Yunping.
It wasn’t hard to find Meng Yao, thanks to the deed that Mo Xuanyu had found in Jin Guangyao’s secret room. But once he had found the brothel, it grew a little more complicated, mostly because he didn’t want to be arrested for murder. He was pondering what to do about this when -
“No! That’s not right, you little brat!” a woman shouted, and Nie Huaisang half turned to see a woman who looked to be in her twenties slapping a young boy across the face.
It had to be Meng Yao; it didn’t make sense for it to be anyone else. Nie Huaisang doubted many other boys that age would be trying to go into a brothel, let alone while carrying a yoke with two baskets of groceries. Nie Huaisang wouldn’t have recognized him on the street, but once he was looking, he could see the man that Meng Yao would become in the boy’s face. The dimples were a dead giveaway as he tried to smile despite the vicious blow he had just taken. “I’m sorry, Nanchan-jie, but they didn’t have what you asked for. The shopkeeper said this wine was basically the same - ”
“The same!” The woman hit him again. “You should have gone to another shop!”
“But you told me I had to be back in fifteen minutes - ”
“Then you should have run!”
“Nanchan-jie, if I ran, the jars might have broken - ”
She lifted her hand to hit him again, and Nie Huaisang instinctively reached out and grabbed her wrist. “What are you hitting a child for?” he asked. “Pick on someone your own size,” he added. He had heard his brother say that a few times and always been impressed by it. And he actually was about the same height as the woman.
“This is none of your business,” the woman snapped at him, tugging her wrist free.
“Sure it is,” Nie Huaisang said. “Nanchan-jie, was it? I want to make sure I know your name so when I come for services later I can make sure to ask for someone else. I don’t really like having sex with harpies.”
Nanchan sneered and said, “You’re far too broke to afford me anyway.”
Nie Huaisang withdrew a chunk of gold from his sleeve, and the woman’s eyes widened. Money had been easy for him to get once he was back in time. The Nie sect vault was only accessible to people who had the clan’s blood running in their veins, so it wasn’t guarded. He hadn’t taken much, just enough to establish himself in the past. “Is that so?” he asked, tossing the chunk of gold to himself. She tried to snatch it, but he was too fast. “Here, boy, what’s your name?” he asked, figuring he should double check.
The boy bowed, quickly catching on, and said, “My name is Meng Yao, gege.”
“I want you to take this piece of gold and have it changed to silver for me. Since I won’t be spending it here, I’ll need it broken down. Make sure you aren’t cheated - you know how much it’s worth, right? And you can count that high?” he asked, and Meng Yao nodded, although his eyes were huge in his head to be trusted with that much. “I know how much it’s worth too, so don’t try to cheat me. Do it right, and I’ll buy you something nice afterwards.”
“Yes, gege!” Meng Yao bowed again, and Nie Huaisang tossed the chunk of gold to him. He caught it, dumped the yoke with the baskets, and took off at a run.
Nanchan was staring at him. “Who - who are you?”
Nie Huaisang shrugged. “You wouldn’t know my name if I gave it to you, so don’t worry your head about such things. Take your wine and go inside. I’ll wait here for the boy.”
The woman slunk inside with her tail between her legs. Nie Huaisang sat down on the steps of the brothel and waited. A few minutes later, it occurred to him to wonder what the hell he was doing. He was here to kill Meng Yao. To prevent all the evil he would do if left unchecked. Nowhere in the plan had this included giving him a bunch of money and sending him off into the world.
It had been instinct, that was all. He had seen a hurting child and an abusive woman and had wanted to intervene. Then she had made that dig about him which shouldn’t have bothered him at all, but he had let it, and now, here he was.
The minutes ticked by - far too many of them. It shouldn’t be taking so long.
Nie Huaisang sighed. His instincts were terrible.
Just before he could decide what he wanted to do next, Meng Yao came running back up at full speed. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he said breathlessly. “There was a man arguing with the clerk and he stayed for so long and they wouldn’t help me until after he’d gone and I - ”
“It’s fine, Meng Yao,” Nie Huaisang said automatically, seeing that the boy was basically waiting to be slapped around some more. “How much did you get? Can you count it for me?”
Meng Yao nodded and sat down on the steps of the brothel, carefully counting out the pieces of silver. It was the right amount; he didn’t try to fudge it at all. Nie Huaisang had been expecting him to keep at least one or two, and would have been fine with it. “All right, I promised to buy you something, didn’t I? Do you want something sweet or something salty?”
“Salty,” Meng Yao said, which made Nie Huaisang smile slightly because he had already known the answer. Meng Yao had never had much of a sweet tooth.
He realized with a sigh that he was thinking of Meng Yao as the old Meng Yao, the teenager who had come to The Unclean Realm and had been his friend there, who had been his brother there. A brother he had dearly missed sometimes, after Meng Yao had become Jin Guangyao and gone to live at Koi Tower. Even in the past two years, while developing the spell needed to undo all the harm Jin Guangyao had done, he had occasionally caught himself wanting to seek Jin Guangyao’s guidance.
This child would become that friend, and then that enemy, but right now he was still just a child. Who was to say the future was set in stone? How could he know for certain what Meng Yao would become? But how could he take the risk? Knowing what would happen if he miscalculated? He had come here to do one thing and one thing only, and that was to stop Jin Guangyao. Whether he was an infant or a child or a full-grown man, whether he was friend or enemy, he had to be stopped.
“Oh! Can I have one of those?” Meng Yao asked, stopping at a stall selling pork buns that smelled delicious.
Well, whatever. He could still buy the kid a treat before he murdered him. Let him go out on a high note. Nie Huaisang took out one of the smaller pieces of silver and paid for two, so he could eat one himself.
“Thank you, gege,” Meng Yao said, flashing the dimples at him.
He’d have to come back after dark. The woman had seen him, had known he was talking to Meng Yao. If the boy didn’t go back to the brothel after this, he would be the obvious suspect. And he really wasn’t looking to get arrested. So he said, “Go on home now,” and gave Meng Yao a gentle shove back towards the brothel.
Meng Yao bowed and then trotted off down the street.
Nie Huaisang spent the next several hours trying not to think about what came next. It had been easier when it had been a baby in his mind. Babies couldn’t fight back. They couldn’t beg for their lives. Killing one had to be fairly simple, even if he had certainly never done it. But children were different, and Meng Yao was, he had already noted, a fast little bugger. He wouldn’t be able to catch him if he somehow squirmed away.
For some reason, he was strangely reluctant for Meng Yao to know who exactly was killing him, too. He had a vague suspicion that he was the only person in Meng Yao’s life to date who had treated him with any kindness or respect at all.
“Ugh, I’m being ridiculous!” he said to himself, pacing back and forth in his inn room. There wasn’t a good way to do this. He was trying to find an option that didn’t exist. There was no way it would be painless, and not many that it would be bloodless. He was committing an unforgivable sin, and even knowing what Meng Yao would become wouldn’t absolve him of the guilt. He had to commit to this. He was here, he had made it this far. His brother was still alive and he was going to keep him that way.
At around midnight, he headed back to the brothel. He went around it and looked for a back entrance. There was a small door in the wall that surrounded it, and he managed to jimmy the latch and go through. He came out into a beautiful courtyard. During the day, he was sure it would be used to host meals, or let the ladies and their patrons enjoy some fresh air and sunlight together. But at night, it was empty.
Mostly empty. He heard a snuffle to his right and looked over to see a gazebo and a figure that was huddled in it.
“Fuck,” he muttered to himself, knowing who it was before he even had to ask. Why was his luck so terrible? Were the gods frowning on his plan? He supposed that would be fair, since his plan was infanticide.
He walked over and sat down next to Meng Yao, who was huddled into a ball and trying to stifle his sobs. “What’s wrong? What are you doing out here at night?”
“Ah - ” Meng Yao looked around, startled. His eyes filled with tears again and his lower lip wobbled.
Nie Huaisang looked around the gazebo and saw a blanket and a pillow. “Are they making you sleep out here? Did you get in trouble for speaking to me?”
“I always sleep out here,” Meng Yao said, blinking at him.
“What?” Nie Huaisang couldn’t hide his dismay. “Why do they make you sleep outside?”
“Because the men come at night,” Meng Yao said. “They don’t like to see me running around so I have to stay out here. It’s not so bad . . .” He gave Nie Huaisang a wan smile. “It’s not even that cold tonight.”
Nie Huaisang decided to let that go. “Why were you crying, then?”
Meng Yao looked away. “Nothing . . . it was silly . . .”
“I’m sure it wasn’t,” Nie Huaisang said.
“My big sisters were all very mad that I didn’t come back with silver for them,” Meng Yao admitted. “They thought I should have stolen a few pieces . . . I told them I couldn’t because you were going to count it, and they said I should have just played stupid and pretended that I couldn’t count and the clerk hadn’t given me enough. I didn’t think of that. I’m . . .” He sniffled again. “I’m proud I know how to count that high. But they always make fun of me for things like the fact that I can read and write . . . it’s very stupid . . . I don’t need to know such things . . .”
“Don’t be ridiculous!” Nie Huaisang said. “Everyone should know how to read and write. Why would they say you shouldn’t?”
Meng Yao’s gaze slid to the side. “I’m just the son of a whore . . .”
A hundred flashbacks went through Nie Huaisang’s mind. Meng Yao had never, ever talked about his past with him. He hadn’t needed to - everyone else talked about it for him. Nie Huaisang thought of all the times the men had said - in Meng Yao’s earshot - that he was too ambitious and arrogant. That he should have satisfied himself with life in the gutter - that it was all he deserved. He thought of every time Meng Yao had given soft smiles and apologies when people bullied him or gossiped behind his back.
That wasn’t even going into the way his family had treated him, how his father had rejected him only to claim him after the Sunshot Campaign because he knew Meng Yao’s actions would make the Jin clan look good. The way his father had claimed him as a possession, how the entire clan had marginalized and abused him at every turn even once they had ostensibly accepted him.
Nie Huaisang gave a heavy sigh. None of it excused the things Jin Guangyao had done. None of it would make him forgive his brother’s death.
But did it have to be that way? This was a child. A child who was crying in the night, on the cold stone he had as a bed, because someone he looked up to had hurt him. How could he blame him for what he had become? How could he say that this boy deserved death? Who was he to make that judgment?
Could he save both his brothers?
“Listen,” he said, putting his hand under Meng Yao’s chin. “I’m gonna tell you something really important and you’re gonna need to remember it your whole life. Okay? Are you listening?”
“Uh huh,” Meng Yao said.
“Most of the people you meet? They’re gonna be really, really stupid,” Nie Huaisang said, and Meng Yao giggled. “They’re going to say stupid shit like the fact that you’re a son of a whore means you’re less than they are. But you’re not. Because all that stuff is just bullshit. It’s stuff they tell themselves to make themselves feel more special. No matter how awful their lives are, how petty and small they know they are, as long as they’ve got someone to bully, they can still feel good about themselves.” He wondered if this was going over Meng Yao’s head, but Meng Yao was staring at him in rapt attention, so he kept going. “You can’t listen to them, okay? I know it’ll be hard sometimes. They’ll get into your head and try to make you believe what they’re saying. You’ve just gotta keep telling yourself, every day, that who your parents are doesn’t matter. That even though you’re the son of a whore, you can still be smart and strong and do amazing things. Okay? Can you believe me?”
Meng Yao gave him a shy smile. “I believe you, gege.”
“So!” Nie Huaisang slapped his fan against his palm. Somewhere in the previous two minutes, he had made a definite decision. “I think from now on, I’m going to look after you. Let’s go talk to your mother.”
“Ah, my mother . . .” Meng Yao looked away. “She died last year . . .”
“Oh.” That probably explained a lot about how the women treated him. Meng Shi might not have allowed it when she still lived. Or at least would have tried to keep him shielded from the worst of it. “Who takes care of you, then? The madam of the house?” he guessed, and Meng Yao nodded. “Then let’s talk to her.”
“You really want to look after me?” Meng Yao looked confused. “Why?”
Nie Huaisang thought about how he could possibly explain this to anyone, let alone a child. He went for a little bit of truth. “My brother died a few years ago . . . I guess I’ve been pretty lonely.”
“I’m sorry,” Meng Yao said.
Nie Huaisang nodded. “Do we even have to talk to the madam? I mean, do you want to say goodbye to her?”
Meng Yao shrugged. “I don’t care.”
“I’ll save my money, then. Ah - I haven’t introduced myself yet,” Nie Huaisang realized. He had thought in the past about what name he would use in this universe. Obviously he couldn’t use his own. But honestly, Meng Yao seemed smart enough to understand that he couldn’t use his real name where people could hear, so he didn’t have to bother with a fake one with him. “My name is Nie Gang, courtesy Huaisang.”
“Can I call you Sang-gege?” Meng Yao asked hopefully.
“Sure.” Nie Huaisang stood and extended his hand. Meng Yao still looked a little wary, but he took it.
~ ~ ~ ~
Nie Huaisang was one hour into the next day when he realized he had absolutely no idea what he was doing. “I don’t know how to be a parent!” he wailed to the mirror in the bathroom. “I’ve only ever had birds! What does he eat? How much does he eat? Do I have to feed him every day? Children eat every day, right? I certainly ate every day as a child - but then again I was awfully soft - ”
His breakdown was caused by the fact that Meng Yao had woken him with a chipper, “Good morning, Sang-gege!” shortly after dawn, an hour of the day which Nie Huaisang hadn’t seen the right side of in years, and had no desire to see the right side of, ever. He had mumbled something vaguely related to ‘good morning’ before rolling over and going back to sleep. When he had woken again, several hours later, Meng Yao was gone.
One fucking morning, and he had already lost the kid. He had lurched out of bed and thrown some clothes on, then charged out of the room and tripped over where Meng Yao was sitting just outside the door, face-planting into the opposite wall.
“Are you all right, Sang-gege?” Meng Yao had asked, obviously concerned.
Groaning, Nie Huaisang had asked, “Why are you sitting right outside the door?”
Looking uncertain, Meng Yao had said, “I tried to open the curtains . . . but you got mad and told me to let you sleep . . . so I thought I would sit out here . . .?”
Nie Huaisang had had no memory of this. He had decided he needed a strong cup of tea before he tackled the idea that he might be expected to be up early in the morning. “Sit out here doing what?”
Meng Yao had looked blank. “Not . . . bothering you?”
“Oh,” Nie Huaisang had said. He had thought back to himself at seven and wondered if he would have ever been able to sit in a hallway and do absolutely nothing for more than ten minutes. He supposed he had been punished like that sometimes, and now he felt bad for accidentally punishing Meng Yao. A hell of a thought, given than twenty-four hours previous, he had been plotting to murder the kid.
He had decided to go wash up, and took several minutes in the bathroom to have his nervous breakdown. What the hell was he doing? This hadn’t been the plan. He’d had a plan, and it had been a good one. This plan might also work, in that it would result in Meng Yao not becoming Jin Guangyao and committing atrocities, but what if it didn’t? Why couldn’t he ever just stick to a plan?
A slight smile touched his face, and he calmed down, thinking of a time when he had asked Mo Xuanyu that very question. He had asked Mo Xuanyu to keep Jin Guangyao busy one evening, while they were at Koi Tower. Nie Huaisang had needed time to talk to Sisi. He had laid down some options for Mo Xuanyu, but the teenager had done something entirely different instead, causing a huge mess and drawing a lot of attention.
“Why can’t you ever just stick to the plan?” Nie Huaisang had asked the next day, exasperated.
That had made Mo Xuanyu laugh. “I’m not the planning sort, and neither are you.”
Nie Huaisang had looked around at the drifts of paper and books everywhere, evidence of the intricate plan he was putting together to avenge his brother. “I can’t imagine why you think that.”
“You’re not!” Mo Xuanyu had said. “Listen, we both know that whatever you decide to do, there won’t be a trial run. You’ll have to do everything on the fly, because anything you rehearse, Guangyao-ge might find out about. I’ve seen you two together, in those moments where you do or say something that might cause him to be suspicious of you, and you convince him otherwise. You might think you’re some sort of planning genius, but what you actually are is really good at winging it.”
Remembering that as he stood in the small bathroom, Nie Huaisang sighed. Maybe Mo Xuanyu had been right after all. It had taken him less than an hour to completely upend all his plans and do something different.
Well, whatever. Meng Yao was only seven. There would be plenty of time to kill him, if Nie Huaisang thought he needed to. As for childcare, Nie Huaisang figured he was probably overreacting. Meng Yao had probably gotten very little in the way of care, and could presumably handle himself.
“Are you hungry?” he asked when he emerged from the bathroom, and Meng Yao nodded. “Great. Let’s go get breakfast.”
~ ~ ~ ~