Archive of Our Own ^beta

'I have a full bottle back at my place'

Of course it's solicitous, but looking at the man's wide brown eyes - so unlike King-Lu's - it's obvious he doesn't know that. King-Lu doesn't know at which point he's stopped hoping for sex - Really King-Lu? in this place? with such a partner? - but the flowers in the vase kill any remnant of hope dead.

King-Lu is of course out of his fucking mind for the attempt in the first place. Cookie is not so slight or cowed as to be undangerous. As a man - as a white man - an explosion into violence at such an attempt would not be considered unprovoked in this part of the world. Furthermore, if the man happened to be game there might be the misunderstanding that King-Lu would be the submissive party. There is this perception, King-Lu finds, among these white men. Maybe it's the slighter frame, or the more attractive face, or their belief that power is superiority, and domination power. Only...Cookie doesn't seem to know that.

The flowers in the vase, the rug shaken out, floor swept. Cookie's wide eyes watching, taking cues. Sitting when King-Lu tells him to. It is submission, but it's not. It's so innocent that King-Lu feels like a cad for deliberately misconstruing it, for his ill advised thrum of arousal. He feels kind of grimy for luring the man here - the man who saved him - hoping to get between his legs.

Cookie is a strange man. He seems younger the more King-Lu looks at him. Their first meeting was so chaotic and tense that it seems King-Lu missed a few things. And...yes, King-Lu might have been waiting for him to turn up at this thoroughfare of a village. No, not waiting. Hoping maybe. Waiting implies something a little pathetic. Hoping, well, what's hope? Something a little like conviction apparently. Is it crazy to say that King-Lu knew they would meet again?

There's certainly no lack of beauty present in the man. The more King-Lu looks at him the prettier he gets. Pretty is as pretty does - hasn't King-Lu heard that before?

It's with some element of discomfort that King-Lu realizes he wants this man more the longer he stays. It's also apparent Cookie is not someone to be subjected to anything uncouth.

So of course the King-Lu inside that is always asking for trouble, moves him in.

King-Lu falls hard and fast. Cookie is as gentle with everything else as he'd been that first night when he asked with some concern what had happened to King-Lu's clothes. He's sweet and conscientious - as domestic as a housewife.

Cookie's large, dark eyes - so heartbreaking in their beauty King-Lu is sure they would make angels cry - are always on him. Looking to him for direction in a way that makes the pit of his stomach twist, makes heat blossom.

He wants to fuck him. Roll him through the dirt, get him moaning, covered in his own cum.

But he also can't imagine doing so with any amount of realism. It's nearly absurd. Whenever King-Lu tries for realism in his fantasies... well, doesn't Cookie withdraw from a more familiar touch? It may be true that King-Lu is the only one who does touch him but it's also not untrue that Cookie never initiates it, that he generally does not like to be touched. 

King-Lu wonders if he would be able to stop, if Cookie asked. It's with some trepidation that King-Lu realizes he would do anything not to fall in Cookie's estimation. Pretty, sweet, innocent Cookie. King-Lu would be scrambling all over himself to please him. Maybe it's that thought that sets him against himself.

The King-Lu inside pushes, like it is always pushing. His desire is to get Cookie filthy, but he has to settle for marring his hands. Of course Cookie's never stolen before. He hasn't felt the cold fingers of famine crawling up his spine like King-Lu has as a child. The kernel of resentment he feels about it passes easily.

No, King-Lu imagines his friend - friend! who could imagine - has a less harrowing past. He's glad of it. When Cookie tells him he's hardly been anywhere he wants to pat him, tell him he is in exactly his place, that he should never leave.

King-Lu's never been in love with anyone. The closest he's maybe come is an older man in Canton. He'd gone back when he was twenty two and taken up with a man who was brave enough to shack up with a Northerner. It had fallen apart when King-Lu's gambling debts came for him. A failed business - and King-Lu swore he hadn't known the medicine was counterfeit - but King-Lu can't deny the freedom he felt leaving his lover behind.

He thinks of Cookie leaving him behind like that - hadn't they shacked up just as quick? - and shudders.

That night he tries to tell Cookie about Canton - in broad, less defined and less truthful strokes - but Cookie is uninterested. He always is when King-Lu talks about the past. They talk about Cookie's days with the baker instead, make dream plans of things they would eat. King-Lu tries to inquire about the intervening years - he wants to know everything about Cookie - and is a little put out when he's unceremoniously shut down. Of course Cookie does it sweetly, in a way that makes any push back unseemly, so King-Lu doesn't inquire again.

The rose colored glasses start to come off around the same time that Cookie begins to make noise about getting caught. It's never loud, no, it's always a quiet kind of protest. Indirect in a way that raises King-Lu's ire.

It makes him want to kick at him in frustration. Makes him want to fuck him meanly.

And that's the core of it, isn't it? He'll never get to so much as touch Cookie.

Cookie isn't even fucking interested in King-Lu.

The King-Lu inside hisses. He can talk about pyramids and tea houses and wonders of the world until he's blue in the face and he still can't capture Cookie's interest.

For the first time King-Lu wonders if he knows, if he's playing with King-Lu.

But then Cookie comes back in with his dark, earnest eyes, head bowed shyly and King-Lu's ire fades.

It's not Cookie's fault if he doesn't want to be held down and speared open. There's so few men that do in King-Lu's estimation.

Blue balls is messing with his head.

It's all been too fast between them, too easy, King-Lu knows he should step back.

"Are we okay?" Cookie asks, face scrunched like it's taken him courage to voice the words. It probably has.

"Why would you think otherwise?" King-Lu soothes lightly, tries not to let his heart stutter when Cookie is instantly reassured.

Cookie with his small, quiet smile.

It all goes wrong, of course it does. Hasn't King-Lu been tempting fate in all but one manner this whole time?

For the second time in his life King-Lu has the chance to turn back for a lover - of sorts. This time he takes it.

Cookie is in him now, part of his bones. The King-Lu inside urges him to go on but he turns back. It's not the first time or last that there's a protest.

That last moment, when Cookie lies down to rest the King-Lu inside howls. And it could just be a moment, right? It could be quick. Could be.

King-Lu lays beside him.

Cookie is pale and damp with sweat. Pained brow finally easing. There's blood. He looks like a painting.

"Could you tell me about Canton now?" Cookie asks haltingly, eyes still closed.

In the moment of first appeal King-Lu can't keep the surprise out of his voice.

"I thought you weren't interested in that."

Cookie does look at him then, though his eyes are unfocused. The King-Lu inside is quiet. It's obvious Cookie is not getting back up.

"I'm sorry if I...gave you the wrong impression. I just...I just thought...wouldn't you leave me? If you started remembering how great things were...I didn't want you to leave me..."

King-Lu huffs softly in disbelief, he feels...touched. Always, Cookie is surprising him in his sweetness. The King-Lu inside roars back to life, angling at a different prize, now that it seems to have accepted it's fate.

He's not going to ruin this. He's not going to hold down a dying man and make him kiss him.

He can't help what escapes his mouth,

"What if someone held you down?" He asks, serious, "and did things you didn't want?"

What he's really asking is if Cookie will forgive him.

He shouldn't have said it, he knows.

The furrow returns to Cookie's brow.

"Is that what happened when - your clothes - " Cookie's words are garbled in their haste, his eyes begin to fill with tears but before King-Lu can respond he continues, "i-it happened to me too. I'm so sorry it happened to you. I'm so sorry."

Turmoil slams into him like a wall.

King-Lu rages inside.

Too late to do anything about it fucking now, isn't it? He thinks incongruously of his friend's gut split open.

Anger overwhelms him. Fuck the world, they're leaving.

Cookie deserves somewhere better.

Cookie is reaching for King-Lu's hand but he draws back at the last moment, he's fading.

King-Lu has upset him. Has made his last moments a replay of terrible memories. He feels sick about it. He grabs Cookie's retreating hand, smooths his brow and shushes him, holds him.

"It's okay Cookie it never happened." He says.

It doesn't matter how Cookie feels about him, King-Lu loves him.

After - after he doesn't dare leave. He positions Cookie respectfully, lies beside him in a way that's not improper. If only for Cookie's sake. If only so King-Lu doesn't give them the wrong impression on Cookie's behalf. He wants to wind around him more than anything though.

Maybe it's anger he feels, maybe it's consternation. He's defiant in his rest. Relaxes only when he hears his doom approaching.

He'll wait, just like he had at the village. The conviction is just as strong. He knows he'll see Cookie again.