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There is an old saying, ‘That which doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger’.
Sunghoon thinks that is bullshit.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you broken instead.
The things that had tried to destroy Sunghoon left him angry and sad. Left him with a crippling fear that he will never escape his past. Left him with grave trust issues and a nasty temperament. Left him with a gaping hole in his soul that he couldn’t patch up no matter how much he’d tried.
The orphanage had been his home for many years; but could it be really called a home when all that happened there caused him to lose pieces of himself day by day. Sunghoon does not think of himself as a whole person, not anymore, and he does not think there will ever be a day when he can be whole again. There are parts of him that have died in that wretched house he grew up in, parts that he can only see again in his dreams.
The only good thing that had come out of this experience was finding the others. Finding the only other people that can understand him, the people that have suffered with him, the people that helped him stay sane.
The people he had escaped with.
The seven of them pushed through years and years of abuse and promised each other to always stay together. And eventually, when the older ones of them came of age and were thrown out on the streets, they refused to leave the younger ones behind. So they took them and ran as fast as they could, as far away as possible with what little they had.
They thought they would be able to leave it all behind. They managed to get out. They survived.
Sunghoon doesn’t really know whether he has actually survived. He wonders if he really got out, because most days it feels like he’s still trapped in there—at least his mind is. His spirit has been so ruthlessly crushed that he feels himself shutting down more and more as time passes. As though to protect itself, his inner self has become unreachable even for him.
So how can his friends—his only family—understand him, when not even he can understand himself and the hatred that still resides in him years later?
How can they understand why Sunghoon is having a breakdown over Jungwon making a new friend when he feels like he is losing himself into his own head plagued by an irrational rage?
“I don’t think this is a good idea. You should stay away from him,” Sunghoon says to Jungwon when the younger tells them that he’d met a nice guy at school the other day. Jungwon is excitedly chatting about how he is going to hang out at this guy’s house the next day, asking Sunoo and Riki if they want to come along because this new friend invited them too.
“Hyung, it’s not that deep. We’re just going to hang out for a bit.”
Jungwon doesn’t take it seriously and Sunghoon shouldn’t either, but something inside him is reeling from the thought of anyone hurting his family.
“People are like leeches, Jungwon. They attach themselves to you, all subtle and innocent, and they bleed you dry and then discard you when you have nothing else to give.”
“I didn’t say he’s going to be my new best friend, hyung. We’re not that close,” Jungwon explains and Sunghoon can see the slight annoyance behind his eyes.
“He’ll get under your skin and you will get hurt.” Sunghoon’s voice is getting rougher and the others, who were minding their business before, now turn their attention to them.
Riki pauses the game he has been playing with Heeseung for the past hour. He frowns at Sunghoon. “Hyung, why are you making such a big deal out of this?”
“People will fuck you over, that’s why.” He is shouting now, hands starting to tremble as he feels himself losing control.
His eyes fall upon Jake’s face, the other watching him with concern bleeding from his eyes.
Sunghoon looks away.
“Are we supposed to avoid people for the rest of our lives then?” Jungwon asks incredulously.
“YES!”
Jungwon flinches at his loud voice.
“Sunghoon-ah, please don’t raise your voice. Nothing bad is going to happen,” Heeseung attempts to placate, his tone gentle. Always the mediator.
“You are fools and you’re going to get yourselves hurt!” Sunghoon knows he should calm down, knows he is being irrational. But being aware doesn’t always mean you are able to make the good choice.
“Sunghoon, stop fucking shouting. What’s gotten into you?” Jay snarls, placing his hand protectively on Jungwon’s thigh; when Sunghoon looks at his angry expression, he can discern the worry underneath it.
He hates it.
He can’t bear the way they are looking at him. Like he’s a wounded animal and they don’t know what to do with it.
The room falls silent as he gets up and leaves, taking strained steps towards his bedroom.
His hands won’t stop shaking, heart fiercely pounding in his chest as he feels the air leaving his lungs and not coming back in.
“Hoon-ah.”
Sunghoon squeezes his eyes shut as he feels familiar, gentle arms wrapping around his middle from behind.
“Breathe, baby, breathe.”
Sunghoon’s eyes fill with tears, the softness of Jake’s voice and the tenderness with which he holds him are too much for Sunghoon to handle in his muddled state of mind.
“Talk to me, Sunghoon-ah,” Jake whispers, head leaning against the back of his neck. Sunghoon shivers at the feeling of his warm breath fanning over his skin, of his soft lips placing an even softer kiss on it.
“People are bad.” The words are barely above a murmur, but Jake is pressed closely enough that he’s able to hear them.
“Not everyone is like those people,” Jake’s voice is as gentle as the way he holds him and Sunghoon melts against him—defeated.
“How can you know that?” Sunghoon’s voice breaks on the last words and the first tears spill over. “How can you know they’re not going to hurt you?”
“You don’t,” Jake agrees. “But you’re never going to know if you don’t let anyone in, Sunghoon. You’ll have to take the risk to find out.”
Sunghoon sobs.
“I’m scared.”
Jake holds him tighter as if trying to merge their bodies.
“I can’t bear to see any of you get hurt anymore.” His words come out unsteady. Sunghoon chokes on his heart-wrenching cries.
He is haunted by memories that linger like a curse. All his dreams are plagued by ugly memories from that place; of Jungwon getting brutally hit for sneaking food for Riki—who was sick and couldn’t get out of bed to eat—, of Jay getting lashed with a belt for trying to protect Jungwon, of Riki being dragged out of their tiny bedroom and locked into another room for days because they found him sleeping in Sunoo’s bed—his desperate cries breaking all their hearts—, of Sunoo begging their caretakers to bring Riki back and being harshly slapped for it, of Jake sitting on the edge of the bathtub, silently crying while Sunghoon disinfected and patched up his wounds, of Heeseung trying his best to hold them all together, to not let them succumb to despair, while hiding his own bruises, of himself as he saw his life flash before his eyes when one of the women that were supposed to take care of them pushed him down the stairs.
The majority of his memories in that cursed house consist of them huddling together in unbridled fear, of patching wounds and holding each other while they sobbed in agony.
And when he wakes up from those vivid nightmares full of images he wishes to be erased—his anger towards the world only grows.
But Jake has always been there—in every memory, in every night Sunghoon has woken up with tears staining his cheeks, in every morning Sunghoon couldn’t get out of bed because he’s tired of living in this world, in every moment Sunghoon feels like he can’t breathe, paralyzed by this crippling despair that he will never be able to overcome this trauma. Jake has been there through it all, holding him in his warm embrace, fingers interlocked and body pressed tightly to his— reminding Sunghoon that they’re okay, that they’re together and will push through this together. With his soft boyish smile, bright eyes that seem to always shine despite what he’s been through, his kind heart that he’d given Sunghoon years ago—that Sunghoon has promised to protect no matter what.
“You grew up in a burning house, so you think the whole world is on fire. But it’s not, Sunghoon.”
Jake knows what hate can do to a person—it tears you apart, it turns you into something you are not, something you promised yourself you’d never become. Jake doesn’t want that to happen to Sunghoon. He will not let that happen to Sunghoon.
Jake turns him around and cups his cheeks. He brushes his tears with the utmost care. “I promise you, it’s not.”
Sunghoon always gets lost in all the little ways Jake carries love and so much goodness in his heart, in his being. Jake is a ray of light in this heavy, cold world, and everything feels warmer and brighter when Sunghoon looks at him.
Jake holds him and Sunghoon feels like he can find some of the lost pieces of himself. He didn’t know what love feels like until Jake filled his heart with it, filled the gaps with pieces of himself.
“I fear it will be. I fear it will burn me down or I’ll end up watching you fall prey to the flames.” There’s a piercing sorrow in his weak voice, it makes his own heart clench in his chest.
Jake’s gaze is reflecting the same tenderness his movements have, as he reaches to tuck away the strands that fell over Sunghoon’s red-rimmed eyes. “I would never let that happen, Hoon-ah. We’ve got to move forward together and not allow our past to drag us behind.”
Jake is the one that always tries to lighten up the mood. He always looks at the bright side—that they’d found each other in that hellhole. Sunghoon’s always filled with an overflowing rage, because Jake has been through so much, he’d suffered greatly because of those people—he had the burn scars on his arms and back as testament for that—and yet he is still able to smile, to find the good in every situation despite all the horrific things that have happened to him.
He deserves way better than what this life has given him and Sunghoon wishes he could offer everything to him. But instead all he has to offer is his battered and untrusting self.
“It’s okay to be scared.” He stops and smiles. He has one of those rare smiles that feel like the touch of warm sunlight on a cold day of winter. It always melts Sunghoon’s defenses. “I’ll hold your hand through it all like I promised you when we were kids.”
Sunghoon can’t help but return the smile—a bit crooked and watery—but a smile nonetheless.
Jake never ceases to have that effect on him.
He paints Sunghoon’s bleak world in pretty colors. He guides Sunghoon out of the tunnel their past had created.
So yes, Sunghoon doesn't believe that old saying. What doesn’t kill you, doesn’t make you stronger. Strength comes from the good things. Strength for Sunghoon comes from his family—his five closest friends and his lover. They’re the ones that help keep him from falling apart when everything feels like it’s broken.
Sunghoon will always hold on to that—hold on to his Jake, his querencia .