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Chapter Text

“There you are.” The only reason you didn’t jump was due to feeling Loki’s approach via the bond. You were perched upon a rocky outcropping that overlooked the roaring sea. Lately it has become your favorite place to simply sit and think while attempting to find answers among the waves.

Even though you wore your coat a heavy blanket was draped across your shoulders. “Did I wake you?”

The mage shook his head as he sat down beside you, your shoulders not quite touching. “No. I woke up to get a drink and your side of the bed was cold. How long have you been out here?” You shrugged. You didn’t even know what time it was. The sky was still dark and there was no indication that the sun was anywhere near the horizon. “Did you have another nightmare? You could have woken me.”

“I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep. I didn’t want to disturb you and the waves help me think.” More than once Loki had voiced his concern at you climbing up to the overlook especially in the dark but you brushed away his words. You weren’t afraid of pain. Not anymore.

“May I ask what’s weighing so heavily on your mind?”

Nearly a quarter of an hour passed before you replied. “I’m scared.”

Loki’s arm immediately wrapped around your shoulders and pulled you close as if to protect you from an unseen enemy. “Of what? Darling, you know Davlin and the others can’t hurt you, right? They’re gone.”

“No it’s not…I know that…it’s not them.” Loki was quiet as you attempted to gather your thoughts. “Do you remember when I miscarried?” The question was rhetorical and you felt the mage jolt as though he had been struck. His voice was rough when he answered.

“Yes. Vividly.”

“Afterwards I told you that the sun didn’t care about joy or tragedy or anything in between. No matter what happened the sun still came up. I told you that I chose to rise, that I chose the light.” You picked at the frayed edge of the worn garment. “This time I don’t think I can rise and I’m afraid,” you swallowed hard, angry at the sudden emotion. It seemed like all you did was cry. “I’m afraid that the light is gone and I’ll never see it again. How can I choose the light if it has been diminished?”

Though he tried to mask it you could feel the wave of sorrow and helplessness emanating from Loki wash over you. He pulled you closer and pressed a kiss to the top of your head. “My love, the light isn’t gone or diminished, it’s just harder to see.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s something mother told me when I was young. Whenever it rains during the day is the sun truly gone? No, it’s just hidden behind dark clouds but eventually the clouds will part and the sun will shine once more.”

While you understood the meaning of his words it still didn’t make you feel any better and you shook your head. “How long will it take for the clouds to part? It’s been months and I…I’m still wounded. Still broken.” Since your rescue you had been to the seaside home, Asgard and your own home. There had been no travels to other realms and no matter how hard he tried, nothing Loki said could lure you away.

Though the thought of pain rarely affected you, you were still easily startled. After returning home, and getting hugged for a solid minute by Herlief, you insisted on working a shift or two. You hoped that the familiar surroundings and routine would ease your frayed nerves. Everything was fine until a glass shattered and startled you so badly that Herlief sent you home. The same happened on Asgard. You would be perfectly fine then a certain sound or smell would send you into a state of panic. After that you decided that staying at your seaside home was probably the best option. That way only Loki was forced to endure your breakdowns.

Carefully you dampened your side of the bond to hide the guilt that gnawed at your belly. Loki had been at your side every step of the way. He held you when your screams from nightmares pierced the stillness of the night, reminding you over and over again that you were safe. When you attempted to hide away he would somehow always find you, pulling you close and reminding you of his love. Though he denied it, you knew he was restless and was getting tired of watching you mope around the house.

You were so absorbed in thought that you failed to hear Loki’s words. “What was that?”

“I was saying that you aren’t broken and some wounds take longer to heal than others. What you went through was horrific. Honestly I’d be more concerned if it wasn’t affecting you.” His hand sought yours and gripped it lightly. “You are the strongest person that I know. Though you might not be able to see it, you have come so far already. Not very long ago you wouldn’t even let me touch you, afraid that even the most innocent touch would bring you agony. You would flinch when I moved too quickly or spoke too loudly. It will take time but the skies will clear and you will see the light once more. I promise.”

Part of you knew that he was right. Darkness, no matter how deep or suffocating, didn’t last forever. The other part of you, the part tangled in a web of fear and sorrow, wondered how long you could continue to fight before you were overtaken and consumed.

The two of you sat in silence until the faintest bit of light began to creep towards the horizon. “Do you want to head inside? I can fix breakfast or maybe you’d like to try to get some more sleep?” Neither option appealed to you but you nodded and began to follow Loki towards the house. Though you could probably navigate the narrow trail with your eyes closed, Loki still insisted on holding your hand and helping you down.
Before you could ascend the winding staircase that led towards your home you stopped. After a few moments Loki realized that you were no longer following him and turned with a frown. “What’s wrong?”

You took a deep breath and forced yourself to meet your husband’s puzzled gaze. “You should go to Asgard.”

Though it was obvious he was confused he nodded. “Of course. When do you want to leave?”

Shaking your head, you resisted the urge to rub at the knot forming in your chest. “Not us, you.”

His frown deepened. “I don’t understand. Why would I go to Asgard without you?”

“Because you’re bored.” You held up a hand before he could protest. “I have known you for centuries and I can tell that you’re restless. Please know that I am extremely appreciative of all that you’ve done for me. I honestly still can’t believe that you’re still here after everything that I’ve put you through.”

Loki stepped closer and took your hands in his own. “I’m still here because I love you.”

“I know, I know and I love you so much. But I also know that you are a prince with a family and friends. You have a life outside of these walls. You shouldn’t be forced to put your life on hold just because I’m afraid of my own shadow.” You tried to look away but Loki gently grasped your chin and forced your eyes to meet his.

“Yes, I am aware that I have family and friends elsewhere but I can promise you that my life isn’t on hold. In all of the years that we’ve known each other, when have I ever allowed myself to be forced to do anything?” He thought that his words would lure a smile out of you but your heart was too heavy. “It’s as I’ve told you before, it doesn’t matter where in the realms I am as long as I am with you.” His thumb gently traced the dark circle beneath your eye. “Why would I leave you now when you’re still healing? I didn’t leave when you shattered your ankle or spent days at the healers, so why would I leave when these wounds are still mending?”

Gritting your teeth, you forced yourself not to cry. “Because you deserve to live, to smile and laugh and go on adventures and listen to Volstagg’s awful jokes. You deserve so much more than watching me lay around and cry.” You pulled yourself from his embrace and softly brushed his cheek. “Go to Asgard. Go on an adventure. Get drunk with Thor and laugh until you cry. Who knows? Maybe by the time you get back I’ll have found the pieces of me that are missing.” Before he could reply you wrapped a concealment charm around you that was so thick that he couldn’t even see your footprints in the sand. Though it didn’t completely close the bond it did dampen it to the point where he could only tell if you were in the general vicinity but wouldn’t be able to pinpoint your actual location.

As soon as you vanished Loki swore and called your name. He reached for you but you were already several feet away in the opposite direction. “Love, please don’t do this. Don’t shut me out. I just want to help you and if I’ve seemed distant or restless it’s because I don’t know what to do. I want to help you but I don’t know how. Please.”

Again and again he sent his magic out but it slid off your spell like water. You knew it wasn’t fair. He loved you and just wanted to help but you knew that he was hurting as well. Your pain was causing him pain and that was too much for you to bear. While he searched for you on the beach you hurried up the stairs and slipped inside before he could notice. A spare bedroom on one of the upper floors had become your newest hiding place and after making sure the spell was still active you curled up in an armchair and finally let the tears fall.

~*~

Loki didn’t leave.

Deep down you knew he wouldn’t leave you, especially in this state, but part of you wished that he would go and leave you to your misery.

All day Loki moved through the house searching for you. Usually he would eventually break through your charms or force his way through the bond but the spell you were using was too strong even for him. You should have been proud of the fact that you had formed such a powerful spell but instead it just intensified the ache in your chest. Once or twice he nearly found your hiding spot, lingering in the doorway and staring at the armchair for several seconds before moving on. Though your side of the bond was dampened you still felt his fear and pain and helplessness mixed with anger and frustration. Years and years ago when the two of you first started courting you promised not to run from him, to stay and talk like adults. Yet here you were, hiding away like a coward while your love suffered from your selfishness.

You didn’t realize how long you had been hidden until you realized that darkness was beginning to fall. This was when you felt Loki’s fear begin to seep through the bond. For all he knew you could be hurt or in trouble and he had no way to find you. Tears of guilt and shame pricked your eyes as you unfolded yourself from the chair. Though he couldn’t find you, you knew exactly where he was and moved through the darkened house with ease. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, hands clasped in front of him and even though he was looking towards the large picture window you doubted that he was actually seeing anything.

Overwhelmed by guilt and wary of his reaction, you settled onto the floor beneath the window. You wrapped your arms around your knees and let your forehead rest on them. Slowly you let the spell dissipate, the magic unraveling like ribbons. The moment the spell dropped you heard Loki suck in a breath and between one heartbeat and the next he was at your side, pulling you into his arms. Ashamed of your actions you didn’t reach for him, undeserving of his touch. Suddenly you realized that he was trembling and your heart broke so loudly you were surprised that Loki didn’t hear the crack.

Loki clung to you as though you would fade away and after a moment you realized that he was speaking. “Please, please never do that again. I couldn’t feel you, it was like I lost you all over again. I’ll do as you ask, I’ll leave but please don’t cut me off. I…after everything that’s happened I need to know that you’re safe.”

“I’m sorry.” Your voice was rough with emotion and disuse. Loki let out a ragged breath and your heart sank further when you realized he was crying. That sound caused something within you to snap and a sob left your lips. It was followed by another then another until you were crying so hard you thought you were going to be sick. Loki rubbed your back and whispered nonsense but nothing could break through the shroud of sorrow that surrounded you.

“Shh…it’s okay, you’re okay,” Loki murmured but you shook your head.

“No I’m not. I can’t do this.” Your words were thick and you wondered if Loki could even understand you. “I’m so scared. I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this anymore.”

“Breathe, my love. That’s it, just take a breath. You’re going to be just fine, I promise.” A kiss was pressed to your forehead. “You’re not alone and I won’t let anything hurt you, even the demons in your mind. I swear it.”

“I don’t know what to do and I know I’m hurting you and you’ve already been through so much…I’m so sorry…” Your head was starting to throb. “You don’t deserve any of this…” You were rambling but the words poured forth as quickly as your tears.

Loki leaned back slightly and coaxed you to relax the fists that were grasping the material of his tunic like a lifeline. He took your hands in his own and gripped them lightly, his thumbs rubbing circles on the back of them. “Darling, I need you to take a breath. You’re going to make yourself sick.” The room was spinning and for a moment you thought you were going to faint. One of Loki’s hands cupped the back of your neck and after a moment you felt the buzz of his magic against your skin. What felt like cool water washed over you and your vision began to clear and the ache in your head lessened. Though it took several moments your breathing finally slowed though the occasional sob or sniff slipped out. “That’s my girl.”

“I’m so sorry…”

“Hush, you have nothing to apologize for. I know you’re hurting but we’re going to get through this.”

You shook your head. “But you shouldn’t have to deal with this, you deserve so much better.”

Conjuring a handkerchief Loki dried your face. “I remember you telling me that there was a difference between what you think I deserve and what I want. What I want is you, my beautiful wife. I want to help you find your way through the darkness. Right now I don’t know how but I will find a solution no matter what it takes.” He pulled your trembling form closer and you rested your head against his chest, allowing the steady thump of his heart to calm you. “If you desire it I will give you space but I will never leave you. The Norns themselves would not be able to keep us apart.”

“I’m so tired.” You were absolutely drained and your body felt as though it were made of stone.

“I know, my love, I know.” The two of you sat in silence until exhaustion settled into your bones and everything began to ache. Loki stood and you couldn’t help but whimper as you started to stand. Slowly Loki helped you to your feet and you were slightly alarmed when your legs refused to hold your weight. Without missing a beat Loki swept you into his arms and gently placed you onto the bed. Sitting next to you he brushed your hair away from your face. “When was the last time you ate anything?”

Last night you’d picked at your dinner and you’d hidden away all day in the guest room. “I don’t remember.”

Even though you still didn’t have the courage to meet his eyes you knew he was frowning. “I’ll be right back.”

Only a few minutes passed before Loki returned with a steaming mug. He helped you sit up, piling pillows behind you before passing you the mug. It was filled with a simple soup which was Frigga’s recipe but no matter how hard you tried you could never get it to taste the same. After taking a sip you realized it had been mixed with a sleeping draught. They were relatively tasteless but you had been brewing them since childhood and immediately recognized the familiar flavor. At first you wanted to protest but exhaustion was already weighing you down and you were nearly asleep before you finished the last sip. Loki eased you down onto the bed and his magic washed over you as he conjured an oversized top and loose pants for you to sleep in.

“Stay with me?” The words were hard to form and you fought against the potion’s effects.

“Of course.” A moment later Loki was pulling you into his arms and you sighed, finally relaxing for the first time in days.

“I love you, my prince.”

Loki’s voice was thick when he replied. “I love you too, my princess.”

~*~

Once Loki was sure you were asleep he stood and gently gathered you into his arms. Closing his eyes he wrapped his magic between the two of you and walked as carefully between the worlds as possible, appearing a moment later in his rooms on Asgard. He tucked you into bed and brushed a kiss across your brow before making his way through the darkened halls of the palace. It was late but he had a feeling that the one he was looking for would still be awake.

Turning a corner he discovered that he was correct as a warm glow spilled out from beneath the door. He knocked and a moment later a confused voice was beckoning him to come in.

Frigga’s eyes widened when Loki stepped through the door of her sitting room. “Loki? I wasn’t expecting you. When did you arrive?”

“Just a few minutes ago.”

She looked him up and down then frowned. “What’s wrong?”

Loki leaned heavily against the closed door, running his hands through his tangled hair. When he spoke your name Frigga sucked in a breath but he held up a hand to calm her. “She’s fine. Actually, that’s not true but she’s safe and asleep in my rooms.”

Frigga beckoned him to sit across from her in a comfortable wingback chair and the familiar location put the mage at ease. There were many conversations held in this very room; some good, some bad, some heartbreaking and some so joyous that their smiles outshone the candles that lit the space. The queen took her son’s hands in her own and squeezed them. “What’s going on?”

Loki took a few moments to gather his thoughts before relaying to Frigga everything that had happened since your return from the clutches of the mad king. He spoke of your fear and your guilt over making him suffer, your words-not his, through the emotional hurricane that was threatening to overtake you. He told Frigga of your refusal to leave the house and how withdrawn you had become, refusing to let him comfort you. His voice caught when he explained that you had told him to leave, to go and live his life instead of constantly watching you lay around and cry. It took him a few moments to compose himself when he recalled the concealment spell and how you had hidden away, only to reveal yourself and break under the weight of your burden.

“She was weak and couldn’t remember the last time she had eaten so I made her some soup and slipped a sleeping draught into it. I probably shouldn’t have but she looked so weary and exhausted. I don’t remember the last time she slept through the night.” He sat back and scrubbed a hand over his face. “I don’t know what to do or how to help her. She’s struggling and I feel so…so useless. She’s afraid that she’ll never find the light again and no matter how often I reassure her I don’t think she believes me.”

Frigga was quiet for a long time, her brows furrowed as she mulled over Loki’s predicament. “I don’t think you can do this alone.”

“What?”

“You’ve been doing a commendable job, son, but I think this burden is too much for you to bear on your own.”

“Then what do I do?”

The queen smiled warmly. “Share the burden, of course. Remind her that she has a family beyond the walls of your home as well. To Thor she is the sister he never had, to the warriors she is a valiant companion and dear friend, and she is more like a daughter to me than a daughter-in-law. Also, she has a massive family abroad. Her siblings and her nieces and nephews not to mention Herlief and the villagers she grew up with.” She leaned forward and caught Loki’s hands once more. “When surrounded by darkness it is almost impossible to see the light. The darkness lies and tells you that no one cares and that you are a burden, that nothing you say has any merit and the world would be better off without you. We know that those words and feelings are lies but when you’re lost in the dark it’s so much easier to give in than to fight for the light.”

“So what do I…we do? How do we help?”

“This process is not instantaneous and she will fight back but we remind her of the beauty of the world and the importance of her in it. It does not have to be a grand gesture, it can be something as simple as placing a flower in her hair or reading from her favorite book or listening to the laughter of her mischievous nephew who is taking after his uncle. Don’t overthink it, the actions will seem fake and forced if you try too hard. But also be ready to weather the storm. Once darkness has sunk its claws into someone it is not willing to go without a fight.” She squeezed his hands and offered a slight smile. “You both are strong but you have to remember not to allow the darkness to overtake you as well. I know you suffered during her capture and I can see the pain in your eyes. There are so many people who love you, who love you both. Let us in, let us help.”

Loki swallowed hard and nodded. “Thank you. I don’t know what I would do without your wisdom.”

Frigga smiled. “Silvertongue. They’re merely lessons learned over a long life.”

“Can I ask something of you?”

“Of course.”

“Would you check on her?”

The warm smile faded. “What do you mean?”

“I know the darkness is within her mind but…but what if it’s not? What if something happened and darkness is literally poisoning her?”

“I doubt it but it’s not unheard of. Of course I will look after her.” Frigga stood and motioned towards the door. “Come, it’s time for you to get some rest as well.”

The two navigated the dark corridors in silence and Loki was relieved to see that you were still sleeping when he eased the bedroom door open. Frigga gently sat at your side before pressing two fingers to your temple and closing her eyes. She let her magic slowly flow through your body and once finished she motioned to Loki to join her in the other room so you wouldn’t be disturbed.

“Is she okay?”

The queen nodded. “Yes. Thankfully those monsters were not able to plant physical darkness within her during her capture. She’s exhausted and the darkness will constantly try to drag her down into sleep. Let her rest when needed but encourage her to get up if possible, even if it is just to sit on the balcony.” She pressed her fingers to Loki’s forehead. “Get some sleep. We will talk further tomorrow.”

Loki hugged her tightly and walked her to the chamber door. “Thank you, mother.”

“Goodnight, son.”

With Frigga’s spell already dragging him down, he barely managed to change and slide beneath the covers before his eyelids were drooping. Fighting against the magic, he pulled you into his arms and the last thing he felt was you curling closer in his embrace.

Chapter Text

When you woke your head felt clear for the first time in weeks. Guilt and shame still twisted in your belly but it was a little easier to ignore without the fog of exhaustion weighing you down. Blinking open your eyes, you frowned then sat up slightly. A moment later Loki strode into the room. “Good morning, love, how are you feeling?”

“Why are we on Asgard?”

“I thought we both could use a change of scenery. We can go back if you’d like.”

“No, it’s fine. Just a little jarring.” Pushing yourself up, a flash of color caught your eye. On the bedside table was a vase filled with one of your favorite flowers. They were a brilliant yellow with vibrant veins of pink and orange streaking the petals. You knew they weren’t native to the realm and even Frigga didn’t grow them in her sprawling gardens. Vaguely you wondered whose garden they had been ‘borrowed’ from. Your fingers hovered over them and closed your eyes as you inhaled the sweet scent. “What’s the occasion?”

Loki perched on the edge of the bed next to you. “No reason, I thought you would like them.”

To your surprise a small smile touched your lips. “They’re beautiful. Thank you.” A kiss was pressed to your temple before a knock at the main door pulled your attention from the flowers. “Expecting someone?”

“Just breakfast. I thought we could eat on the balcony if that’s okay with you.”

You shrugged and while Loki went to fetch the tray you climbed out of bed and slipped into a robe before settling into your favorite chair on the balcony. The sun was almost too bright and you missed the steady rhythm of the sea but you would never tire of the view of the golden realm.

The two of you were quiet during the meal and though your appetite was lacking you managed to nearly clear your plate. Once finished, you leaned back and stared at the brilliant scenery before you. Your eyes shifted to the darkness beyond the rim of the golden realm and the pain you had been struggling to suppress began bubbling towards the surface. Tears pricked your eyes and you closed them tightly in an attempt to force them back.

“Loki?”

“Yes, love?”

Letting out a shuddering breath, you swallowed hard. “I…about yesterday and last night, I’m sor-”

The mage cut you off and knelt in front of your chair then grasped your hands. “It’s okay, there’s nothing you have to apologize for.”

“But-”

“No ‘buts’ and no tears today.” He reached up to brush a stray tear from your cheek.

You couldn’t help but huff out a laugh. “No tears today?”

Loki shook his head. “No tears today.”

The darkness raging inside of you wanted to be angry that he was ordering you about but you did your best to shove it down. This was Loki, your Loki; the man you loved for the better part of a decade and you knew that he would never do anything to hurt you. Eventually you nodded and continued to look out over Asgard. Making himself comfortable on the floor, Loki let his head rest on your lap and made a sound of contentment as you began to run your fingers through his hair.

The sun was high in the sky before Loki stirred, he was so still for so long you thought he was asleep. He smoothly stood and leaned against the railing. “What would you like to do today?”

“Sleep.” It was the first thought that popped into your head. Despite getting a full night’s sleep your body still felt heavy with fatigue.

“A nap can definitely be arranged. What else?”

For the first time in what felt like days you raised your head to meet your husband’s brilliant green eyes. “Honestly? I want to run. I want to escape. I want to go so far away that the pain and the fear will never catch up.”

To your surprise Loki looked intrigued. He cocked his head to the side and his brow furrowed in thought. After a few minutes he nodded. “I have an idea. Get cleaned up and put on your leathers.”

It was your turn to frown. “Why? Where are we going?”

The mage grinned. “Away.” He pressed a kiss to your temple and walked back inside without another word. Curiosity piqued, you stood then headed towards the bath.

You had just finished buckling your boots when Loki pushed open the main doors. He was also dressed in his leathers, his hair pulled back with several braids and tied at the nape of his neck. “Ready?”

“I guess. Do I get a hint?”

The smile on his face reminded you that he was, indeed, the God of Mischief. “Nope.” He held out his arm and after a beat you grasped it and allowed him to lead you through the halls.

To your surprise the two of you ended up at the stables and for a moment a different type of emotion threatened to overtake you. Draugr, the feisty white mare who was officially gifted to you upon your engagement, stomped at the ground and leaned as far out of her stall as possible when she saw you. You couldn’t remember the last time you rode her and all but ran to her side. To the shock of the stable hands you threw your arms around her strong neck and she whinnied in happiness. “Oh, I’ve missed you!” The horse had a reputation of being a terror to anyone who dared come near but had immediately taken a liking to you. Opening the stall door you laughed as she pranced and neighed as though she was still a pony.

Several feet away Loki was nearly overcome as well but for a different reason. For the first time in weeks you looked happy. You were smiling and laughing as you brushed then readied Draugr and that smile was still present when you turned as asked him to conjure an apple for the excited mare. Part of him ached knowing that he wasn’t able to make you smile and laugh like that but the other part of him was reminded of his mother’s words and deep down he knew that his support was just as valuable.

While you fussed over Draugr Loki began to ready Skadi, the black stallion whose reputation was almost worse than the mare’s. After leading the horses from the stables the two of you mounted your respective steeds. “Where are we going?”

Once more the mischievous grin stretched Loki’s lips. “You’ll see.”

The ride was fairly silent, you were lost in your own thoughts as you followed Loki through the dense woods. To your surprise the path was unknown to you but you trusted him and knew Draugr could handle any terrain. Over an hour passed before the mage began to lead you up a winding path. Glancing over your shoulder you were surprised to see how high up you were but soon the path shifted and the two of you began to work your way down the opposite side of the rise. Eventually the ground evened out and you came to a stop next to Loki.

“Where are we?”

“I don’t think it has an official name but Thor and I called it the ‘racetrack’ in our youth.” For a moment you frowned in confusion before you remembered your prior conversation. In front of you was flat, green land as far as you could see. Loki could see the moment that realization sank in. “You said you wanted to run. So run.”

You patted Draugr’s neck. “What do you think, girl?” The mare stomped a foot in agreement. After adjusting your seat in the saddle and firmly gripping the reins, you snapped them once. “Let’s go.”

If you hadn’t been an experienced rider you would have been thrown from the saddle as one moment you were standing still and the next you were flying across the open space. Asgard’s horses were bred to be warhorses so they could run incredible distances without tiring. Leaning down you felt the wind whip at your face and for the first time in a very long time you felt the tendrils of darkness surrounding you begin to loosen their grip. You knew that Draugr was sure-footed and wouldn’t let you fall and even though you couldn’t see him you knew that Loki wasn’t far behind you, Skadi living up to his name; a black shadow streaking across the vast space.

As you raced forward you felt something building within your chest. A moment later a gasp slipped past your lips which was followed by a sob. Soon came another then another, your tears streaking backwards across your face before disappearing into the wind. This is what you wanted, what you needed. With each step you felt some of the darkness falling behind and though it wasn’t a physical being you knew you had to outrun it lest it capture you again. A whispered word fell from your lips and somehow the powerful horse gained even more speed. You were nearly flat against her back, sobs muffled by her mane.

Eyes closed, you cried and shook as Draugr raced across the valley. Time stopped and the only sounds were the steady hoof beats and your sobs. It could have been minutes or hours but vaguely you realized that you were slowing down. As the warhorse slowed from a gallop to a canter to a trot your sobs began to slow as well. With each step you felt the knot in your chest loosen and as the powerful emotions ebbed your body grew heavier and heavier, exhausted by the outburst. Eventually the horse came to a stop and you heard Skadi’s heavy steps a few moments later. You still hadn’t raised your head, practically clinging to the mare’s neck as a few stray tears slipped down your face.

“Darling? Are you alright?” You couldn’t answer and a second later Loki’s boots hit the ground and he was gently touching your arm. “Love?” Again you were silent and Loki began to slowly loosen your fingers from the death grip they had on the reins. He brushed your windswept hair back and eventually your eyes blinked open. “Are you alright?” It took a moment for the words to sink in then you nodded. As you sat up the world spun and the only reason you stayed in the saddle was due to Loki’s quick reflexes. The mage carefully helped you down then eased you to the ground when it was obvious that your legs wouldn’t hold your weight. “What happened?”

“I…I’m okay, just sat up too quickly.”

You didn’t have to see Loki’s face to know he was frowning. He brushed a few lingering tears from your face and pulled you closer. “I thought I said no tears today?”

A broken laugh slipped past your lips. “I’m sorry. I…I think I needed it.”

“How so?”

“I needed to just…let go.”

“Do you feel better?”

“For the moment, yes, but I’m exhausted. You promised me a nap.”

It was the mage’s turn to laugh. “Indeed I did. Let’s find a more suitable place to rest. Do you think you can walk?” You nodded and though you swayed upon standing you were soon able to follow Loki as you led the horses through the dense brush. After a few minutes of walking the woods opened up to reveal a meadow full of wildflowers with a small stream carving its way through it. After tying off the horses Loki conjured a blanket then a basket containing a simple meal. Once again the meal was silent but neither of you minded, both of you had a lot to think about. The scenery was lovely but between your emotional outburst and the meal you were fading fast.

Loki vanished the basket and helped you to your feet once more, spreading the blanket beneath a large tree to shade you from the midday sun. He stretched out on the blanket, the leaves casting dozens of shadows across his fair skin. A moment later you joined him, your head on his chest with the steady thump of his heart beneath your ear. His arm wrapped loosely around your waist and it didn’t take long before you were sinking towards sleep.

You did not dream but it was preferable to the horrific nightmares that constantly plagued your sleep. When you woke the sun was still high and Loki was no longer lying next to you. He was sitting with his back to the tree trunk, a book in one hand and the other carding through your hair. It had previously been braided back but some time during the exhilarating ride it had come loose and you were sure it was a riot of curls and twists at this point. The soothing feeling of Loki’s fingers was almost enough to lull you back to sleep but eventually you forced yourself to sit up.

“How long did I sleep?” you asked while scrubbing at your eyes.

“A couple of hours.”

“Did you get any rest?”

The mage shook his head. “No but that’s okay. I was more than happy to watch over you.”

His words made something warm bloom in your chest, seeping into the cracks caused by the darkness. To his surprise you shifted until you were practically sitting in his lap. He vanished the book and wrapped his arms around you. For several long minutes you sat in silence, content in the arms of your love.

“Thank you.” The words were so low that Loki missed them.

“What was that?”

“Thank you.”

His arms tightened around you momentarily. “You’re welcome, love. I’m glad you enjoyed the ride today.”

You shook your head. “Not just that. Thank you for…everything. I know that this hasn’t been easy for you either but I don’t know what I would have done without you by my side.”

“There’s nowhere I’d rather be. Good or bad, joy or sorrow…I’ll be here as long as you want me.”

“I’ll always want you.”

“After everything that has happened I can’t believe that you still want me, still love me. I’m so broken and-”

“Stop that.” You shifted your gaze and Loki softened his tone. “You’re not broken and there is nothing wrong with you. When I look at you I see the strongest, most beautiful woman in all of the Nine. I can’t imagine a life where I didn’t love you or want you. Yes, you’ve been through a lot and are still healing but I don’t care. You are my wife, my love and the person I want to live the rest of my life with. Even when we’re old and gray and the thread of life is frayed beyond repair, I will still want you.”

In any other situation he would have had you pinned to the ground, proving his devotion over and over until you were a sweaty mess. Instead he rubbed slow circles on your back and tucked your head beneath his chin as he pulled you closer.

There were so many things that you wanted to say. You wanted to apologize, to climb to your knees and beg for forgiveness. You also wanted to reassure him that you still loved him and that you missed him. The last thought made you pause. After a moment you took a breath to steady yourself. Loki was the silvertongue, you preferred to take action instead.

Leaning back slightly you met his eyes and brushed a lock of hair that had escaped from one of his braids behind his ear. Years and years had passed and you still got lost in those brilliant eyes. “May I have a kiss?”

The words surprised the mage but after a beat he gave you a lopsided grin. “Of course. You know you never have to ask.”

“I know but-”

“Hush.” Loki was so close that you felt the word against your skin before lips brushed across yours. The touch was so gentle that it could barely be called a kiss but it still made you suck in a breath.

Loki pulled back to make sure that you were okay and you brushed your thumb across his lower lip. “What is it?”

You shook your head. “Every…every time I touch you I’m afraid that the darkness will spread, will seep into you. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you to it.”

Grasping your hand, the mage pressed a kiss to your knuckles. “My love, you are not marked or tainted. You cannot pass the darkness on to me like it’s some sort of disease and if somehow I would become affected we would do what we always do, fight it and we’ll fight it together.”

Though your mind was racing in a million directions you nodded and after a moment you cupped the back of his neck and guided his lips to yours once more. The kiss was slow and gentle but you needed more. You needed to forget, to think of something aside from the maelstrom swirling within your mind. Your thumb gently brushed the skin of Loki’s neck and he sighed at the soft touch.

Loki was still tentative but when you lightly nipped at his bottom lip it was his turn to gasp. You barely gave him a moment to take a breath before you were surging upwards, initiating the kiss yourself. His surprise thrummed through the bond but it was quickly replaced with desire. When his tongue brushed against your lips and you met it with your own he groaned, his arms tightening around you. You worked the tie holding his hair back loose and felt him shudder against you as your fingers sank into the dark tresses.

For a moment you wondered where this was coming from. Yesterday you had been a wreck; pushing Loki away, hiding from him as he frantically searched, then breaking down to the point that you honestly wondered if the pain would drown you. Shoving the thought to the back of your mind, it was your turn to shiver as his hand slipped beneath your tunic to find the warm skin of your back.

His arms tightened and a moment later he was guiding you downwards, urging you to lay back on the blanket. You readily complied and clung to his shoulders, not willing to part from him. Holding himself up on his elbows he stared down at you. His eyes were blown wide and his lips were slightly swollen. He was breathing hard and took a moment to steady himself. “Is this okay?” You nodded. “I need to hear it, love.”

“Yes. I want this, I want you. I…it’s hard to explain but for the first time in a long time I feel better, I feel good.” For a moment you wondered if Loki would be upset that you were using him as a distraction but shoved the thought down. “I don’t know how long it will last but I want to enjoy every second before it slips away.” You reached up to cup his cheek. “Do you want this?”

“Gods yes but I…”

This time you cut him off. “I promise I will say stop if it becomes too much. I trust you, I love you.”

Something flashed in Loki’s eyes. “I love you too.” He paused for another moment before leaning down and catching your lips in a tender kiss. It didn’t stay that way for long as the heat that had been momentarily banked flared to life once more. You pulled him closer, tangling your legs together, and felt the shudder that rolled through him when he rocked his hips against yours. To his surprise you arched your back, pressing into the movement and he gripped your hip to hold you still. You were tempted to tease him but the thought flew from your head as he kissed his way down your neck. He pressed slow kisses to the tender skin and when he found the soft spot beneath your ear you arched hard and a soft cry left your lips. Only once you were trembling did he raise his head and it took you a moment to catch your breath. When you blinked your eyes open it was to him staring down at you, making sure that you weren’t too overwhelmed.

Instead of answering the unspoken question you slipped your hands beneath his tunic and gently ran your nails down his back. He hissed and leaned down to find your lips once more. Your hands slowly mapped the skin of his back and felt his surprise as you gripped the hem of his tunic in order to drag it over his head. His eyes met yours as he tossed the garment to the side and you nodded. Soon your tunic and bra were discarded as well and you arched and gasped as he used his mouth and hands to drive you mad.

Aside from a few kisses and lingering touches, the two of you had not been intimate since your capture and you expected him to be frantic. Instead you were shocked at his patience as he slowly kissed his way down your stomach. Aside from the chattering of the stream the only thing that could be heard in the meadow were your gasps and cries as he brought you off first with his mouth then with his fingers. Bliss flooded your veins and by the time that he raised his head you were a shaking mess. Reaching for him you pulled him into a kiss, sucking your taste from his tongue. One of your hands wandered downwards and when it reached his waistband he grasped your wrist. Breaking the kiss his gaze turned serious. “Are you sure?”

“Yes. Please, Loki.”

The mage groaned and released your wrist, closing his eyes as your hands found the buckles and laces of his pants. Soon he was kicking them to the side and met your eyes once more as he guided your leg around his waist. You nodded and a moment later your eyes slammed closed and your back arched as he slowly slid into your body. The two of you clung to each other as you fought against the overwhelming sensations coursing through your veins. Eventually he began to move and your cry was swallowed as he found your lips once more. For the second time that day time slowed and your focus was solely on Loki as the two of you moved together. His groans and the steady slap of skin on skin joined the sounds in the meadow, an intimate symphony that set your blood on fire. Soon you could no longer fight the knot that had been growing in your belly and a broken cry left your lips as you reached your peak. A few moments later Loki followed, a moan mixed with your name breathed against your skin.

Your head fell back as you attempted to catch your breath and you drew lazy shapes on the skin of Loki’s back. Suddenly you frowned and shifted slightly. “You’re shaking.”

It took the mage a moment to lift his head. “And you’re crying.”

You hadn’t noticed the tears until he brushed one away. “I’m okay. That was just…”

“...intense,” he finished for you. Instead of replying you simply nodded and let your mind wander as you processed what just happened.

Eventually Loki moved, pulling a whimper from your lips, and cleaned you up with a wave of his hand. Before he could go far you grasped his wrist. “Do we have to go back yet?”

A soft smile spread across your husband’s face. “No, we can stay here as long as you like.” He layed back down and pulled you into his arms before conjuring another blanket to cover the two of you. As you curled closer you did your best to capture this moment knowing that today was nothing more than a moment of reprieve in the battle that was still raging within your mind.

Chapter Text

Three days.

That was how long the darkness receded before consuming you once more. In that time you more or less felt like yourself and though your mind tended to wander it was easier for your attention to be pulled towards something lighter. Frigga hadn’t mentioned your arrival and Thor nearly tripped over his own feet the next morning at breakfast due to his eagerness to greet you. No one seemed to notice that you were quieter than usual but Loki lent his support by holding your hand beneath the table during the meal.

Eventually the blonde lured you to the training grounds where you received a warm welcome from Sif and the warriors. You still weren’t up to sparring and were more than happy to watch as the trio and the shield maiden attempted to best Loki and Thor. Despite their difference in size and fighting style it was obvious the brothers had grown up training with each other. They moved as a unit, each one covering the other and though the others fought valiantly Thor and Loki eventually bested them.

The following day you reluctantly agreed to tea with Frigga, bracing yourself for the inevitable interrogation. You were sure that Loki had spoken to her after bringing you to Asgard and your stomach twisted with nervousness. To your surprise the conversation was light as she filled you in with the latest news from the court. Much like Loki, she was incredibly observant about the goings on in the palace and more than once your laughter rang through the gardens as she shared both news and gossip. Before departing she hugged you so warmly that you were loath to end the embrace, love all but pouring off of her as she held you. That night you laid on the couch with Loki as the mage told a folktale and used his magic to project images above you, bringing the story to life.

You knew it wouldn’t last and when you woke this morning everything hurt. Your very bones ached and your heart was so heavy that you feared it would drag you to the ground. Sensing that you were awake Loki rolled over and wrapped an arm around your waist. “Good morning, love.” Instead of leaning into his embrace you reached back and removed his arm from around your waist, shifting towards the edge of the bed to put as much distance between you as possible. Hurt and confusion flooded the bond making you feel even worse. You did your best to dampen your side to avoid sending your dark thoughts towards Loki and pulled the covers up higher, wishing you could just disappear.

“What is it? What’s wrong?”

Though he couldn’t see it, you rolled your eyes. “Guess.”

The mage was quiet for so long you thought he’d gone back to sleep. “What can I do to help?”

“Nothing. Just let me rest, I’m tired.” You burrowed deeper into the plush covers and though you tried to get back to sleep you could practically feel Loki’s eyes on you. After several minutes you couldn’t take it any more and shoved the covers off then climbed down from the bed.

“Where are you going?”

“My quarters.”

You heard Loki stand. “You can stay here if you’d like.”

“I’d rather rest without your eyes boring into the back of my head.” The words were harsh and you were sure you would regret them later but right now the physical and mental pain was so severe that you had to get away.

“Please don’t do this, don’t push me away. I just want to help you.”

You snorted. “You can’t help me. I told you, I’m too broken.”

“That’s not true. What about the other day? You seemed happy and…and I thought we were …I mean…” The mage’s voice trailed off.

Turning, you crossed your arms. “Oh yes, one good day and a fuck makes everything all better.”

Your husband’s face darkened. “Don’t be crass.”

“Let me rephrase; one good day and a passionate bout of lovemaking in a flower filled meadow will fix all the worlds’ problems. Whatever you say, your highness.”

Loki ran his hands through his hair. “Why are you doing this? What did I do to make you so upset? Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it. This isn’t like you. Can’t you see that I’m trying to fix this? Fix you?”

As soon as the words left his mouth Loki knew he overstepped. Your eyes narrowed and you let the pain and darkness flow through you. “All I wanted was to be left alone, you’re the one who wouldn’t let it go. I feel like shit, everything down to my bones hurts, and you’re making it worse.”

You turned to leave but Loki grasped your arm. “You shouldn’t be by yourself, not in this state.”

“Let. Me. Go.” Your words were quiet but dripped venom.

“Love, please.”

“I said, let me go.”

You yanked your arm away at the same time that Loki released you and the momentum sent you toppling backwards. Before you could catch your balance you hit the ground and slammed the back of your head into a table’s edge. Bright spots exploded in front of your eyes and the room lost focus for a few moments. Reaching back, your stomach twisted when your fingertips encountered the all too familiar feeling of blood.

Immediately Loki was at your side but you scrambled backwards, eyes wide with fear. “Get away from me!” You knew it was an accident, that Loki would never hurt you but in that moment you didn’t see your husband, you saw the specter from the drug-induced dreams that beat you within an inch of your life. As soon as you could get your feet beneath you, you fled from the room leaving a smear of blood on the pristine white paint of the door.

The door to your rooms flew open and you hastily sealed them with a spell. Loki and Frigga would be able to get through but the sensation wouldn’t be pleasant. You did the same upon entering the bedroom and frantically looked around for a place to hide. The far corner was slightly hidden by a bedside table and gave you a good view of the door. Pressing your back against the wall, you pulled your knees to your chest and let your forehead rest against them. You were shaking so hard that your teeth were nearly rattling in your skull and you couldn’t concentrate long enough to heal the wound, feeling blood seep through your hair and streak down the back of your neck.

Hurt and terrified, you prayed the Norns would have mercy and find a way for you to escape, to finally outrun the darkness, without harming Loki. The mage didn’t deserve this, he didn’t deserve everything that you were putting him through. He was doing his best to help and shouldn’t be forced to endure a battle that did nothing but hurt him. After a moment you altered your prayer, asking for a way to just give in and let the darkness consume you while sparing Loki. During your capture you prayed nonstop for an end to the torment that never came. Maybe, just maybe, this time your prayers would be heard.

~*~

It may have been minutes or hours or even days before your panic faded. Eventually you stopped shaking and when you uncurled your limbs your muscles cramped so badly that you were forced to sit for several long minutes, breathing through the pain. Your previous anger transformed into terror when you fell but now you just felt empty. There was no pain, so sadness, no anger; just a hollow void remained.

Forcing yourself to your feet, you pointedly avoided the mirrors as you made your way towards the bath. It wasn’t nearly as large as Loki’s but still took time to fill so in the meantime you closed your eyes and guided your magic to heal the wound on the back of your head. It stopped bleeding ages ago and your hair was matted with dried and partially congealed blood. You frowned at the bloodstains on your tunic and walked into the sitting room, the fireplace flaring to life at a flick of your fingers. Tossing the garment into the fire you watched it burn for a moment before heading back towards the bathroom.

The hot water eased your sore muscles but you didn’t notice due to the numbness enveloping you. You grimaced at the reddish brown hue of the water after washing your hair you hastily cleaned yourself to avoid sitting in the water any longer than necessary.

Wrapping a towel around yourself, you sat on the edge of the bed and stared at nothing. Never in your life, not even after your parents died, had you felt so lost. When they died there were four other people to take care of and despite being directly in the middle when it came to age you stepped up and took care of everyone. There was so much to do that you didn’t have time to mourn or drown in sadness. You had a purpose; you had to make sure that there was food on the table, that everyone was clothed even if the garments were patched dozens of times, and you had to make sure that the family was safe as you attempted to find relatives that could take the little ones in.

Now…now you had nothing. That wasn’t true, you had Loki but what you were going through was killing him. You could see the pain in his eyes and though he tried to hide it, the bond was flooded with his helplessness and sorrow and, as of late, his anger. Yes, you loved him so much that it made your chest ache but the knowledge that his state was your fault was too much. He couldn’t help you, you were too far gone and it wasn’t fair to give him false hope when a good day or two was sprinkled among the bad.

Squaring your shoulders, you made a decision. Soul bonds were rare but they weren’t non-existent. If a bond could be forged it could also be broken. While you were honored to share a soul bond with Loki, without it he would be free. Free of the pain, free of the anger, free of the sadness…free of you.

After quickly getting dressed you cast the same concealment charm you used a few days prior and slowly pushed your door open. To your surprise the halls were dark but you had no idea what time it was. Looking straight ahead, and not at the doors to Loki’s rooms, you slipped through the darkened palace like a ghost. The library was dark and seemed deserted but you still sent your magic out just in case. Despite the late hour there were candles burning which illuminated your path as you walked deeper and deeper into the massive archives. It took nearly half an hour of searching before you even found one book on bonds and though you would have preferred more it was a start. That book led you to another, then another until the heavy wooden table groaned under the weight of the tomes piled upon it.

The text was incredibly dull and your jaw cracked as you yawned. So far you learned that bonds could not be severed but they could be unraveled. Unfortunately the process was incredibly difficult and required the participation of both parties. With a sigh you shook your head, there was no way Loki would ever agree to sever the bond. As you read you discovered that there could also be complications ranging from injury to death that could be caused by the unraveling of a bond.

So far you hadn’t been able to find anything even mentioning soul bonds. If the process for untangling a normal bond was this difficult and dangerous you doubted severing a soul bond would be any easier. After sitting back and stretching you noticed that the sky beyond the windows was beginning to lighten. You replaced the books then concealed yourself before making your way back towards your chambers. Hopefully you would be able to sleep the day away and continue your research once night had fallen and the palace was quiet. You might not be able to sever the bond but perhaps there was another way to free Loki from the pain you were forcing him to endure.

~*~

It was Thor who found Loki. The blonde wanted to ask the two of you if you wanted to attend a hunt that night but paused when he saw that the doors to Loki’s rooms were open. Moving closer his eyes widened when he saw the smear of blood upon the white paint of the door.

“Loki?” He called but received no answer. On high alert he stepped cautiously into the room, one hand outstretched to call Mjolnir if necessary. Upon rounding the sofa he spotted Loki sitting on his knees, eyes fixed on a few drops of crimson staining the carpet. “Loki?” No answer. Slowly Thor knelt down, doing his best not to startle the mage. “Brother, what’s wrong?” A solid minute passed before Loki whispered your name. Immediately Thor’s stomach dropped, looking around for a threat and wondering why Loki wasn’t with you. “Where is she? Is she okay?”

“I…I don’t know. She was having another one of her bad days and wanted to go to her quarters to sleep. Instead of being sad she was angry. I’ve never seen her in such a state. I tried to get her to stay and grabbed her arm. I know I shouldn’t have grabbed her like that but I was so worried and frustrated, I just wanted her to stay so I could help. She pulled away at the same time I let go and she fell. Before I could catch her she hit her head pretty hard but when I moved to check on her she…”

“She what?”

Loki finally raised red-rimmed eyes to meet his brother’s. “She was terrified. Terrified of me. The way she looked at me…it was like I was some type of ferocious beast determined to rend her limb to limb. She screamed at me to get away, then she ran.”

“Where is she now?”

“I’m not sure. I would assume she’s in her rooms but I can’t tell.” Loki ran a hand through his hair. “Thor, she was scared of me. I’ve seen her when she’s had nightmares or if a memory was triggered but she’s never been afraid of me. Yes, I was angry but I would never…you know I would never hurt her.”

Thor squeezed Loki’s shoulder. “I know that and she knows that. There must have been something that spooked her…” Looking around the blonde attempted to see if something in the room could have sparked your fear. As he searched, a memory bubbled to the surface.

After your escape and recovery the entire royal family had gathered in Loki’s rooms as you retold your harrowing tale of your time in Davlin’s clutches. At one point you mentioned that the meager rations of bread and water you were given were drugged and caused hallucinations. Thor closed his eyes and focused on the memory, he knew there was something he was missing. After a few moments his eyes flew open. “The drugs…”

“What was that?” asked Loki.

“Remember when she was telling us about her capture? She said that the bread and water given to her were drugged and made her hallucinate. And…and some of those hallucinations were-”

“About me.”

“When she fell and hit her head that must have triggered the memory. She was hurt and frightened and the first thing she saw when she opened her eyes was you. Loki, she wasn’t scared of you, she was scared of a memory.”

Loki sighed and shook his head. “You don’t understand. She’s had nightmares and flashbacks so severe that she couldn’t even speak but never once was she scared of me. Even when she didn’t want to be touched due to her fear she never once looked at me with terror in her eyes.”

Thor frowned. “You said she has been having nightmares but surely it can’t be that bad.”

“You have no idea.”

“Tell me?” He quickly held up his hands in a placating gesture. “I don’t mean to pry into your personal lives. If you don’t feel comfortable or think it’s appropriate I’ll understand but it is obvious that something is wrong and I just want to help you, both of you.”

Several minutes passed before Loki sat back, making himself more comfortable. The situation reminded him of such discussions in the past when Thor attempted to convince his secretive younger brother to open up and confide in him. Taking a breath to steady himself, he began to talk and once he started he couldn’t stop. It seemed like he talked for hours and when he finally stopped he was exhausted, drained from the outpouring of emotion.

Once Loki finished Thor was silent. After a few moments he shook his head. “I had no idea. I knew she wasn’t sleeping well and was easily startled but this...I’m so sorry, Loki.”

“I don’t know what to do. Every time it feels like she’s making some progress I manage to ruin it and set her back even further. And now…” He let his head fall back and stared sightlessly at the ceiling. “Now she’s scared of me. The only time I’ve ever seen her so frightened was…was when they were taking her away. Then she was begging for me to save her, now she’s screaming at me to get away.” His throat tightened and he swallowed hard. “I just want to help her but I think I’m making it worse. I lost her once and it feels like I’m losing her again but this time I have no idea how to rescue her. There is no monster to slay or villain to vanquish. How can I save her from a foe that I can’t see?”

“Would you like me to speak with her? Or mother?”

“No, I fear it would make it worse. She often wants to be alone during her terrors, others seem to send her spiraling deeper.”

Thor shifted until his shoulder brushed against Loki’s. “Is there anything that I can do to help?” The mage shook his head miserably. After a moment an idea began to form in the blonde’s mind. “Have either of you spoken to Eir?”

A frown creased Loki’s brow. “No. Why?”

“What she’s going through sounds like the same thing that happens to warriors after they return from a harrowing battle or war. The atrocities that they saw and experienced were so severe that it broke, for lack of a better word, something within them.”

“And what does that have to do with Eir?”

“I’m not exactly sure what she does but there is a spell or a potion or something that soothes their minds. It doesn’t cure them but it seems to help keep the terror and darkness at bay.”

Loki ran a hand through his tangled hair, wincing when his fingers caught on a stubborn knot. “I don’t know. I’m not sure if she would be comfortable with such a procedure or potion. Also, if it’s so effective why hasn’t she made it herself?”

“You said she was barely eating or sleeping. Do you really think she was in the right mindset to brew such a draught?” With a sigh, Loki shook his head. “No decisions have to be made right now. Let’s speak to mother and Eir, maybe they can provide, if not a solution, some insight on what to do next.” He stood then held out a hand to pull Loki to his feet.

“Thank you, brother.”

“Don’t thank me yet, this may not work but you know you can always come to me. I’m more than happy to listen.”

The ghost of a smile touched Loki’s lips and he waved a hand to clean up the few drops of blood before following Thor towards the healers.

~*~

A crash echoed through the empty aisles of the library as a book slammed into one of the shelves with such force the heavy structure wobbled. Scrubbing at your eyes you did your best not to scream or cry in frustration. It felt as though you had read through every book in the vast archives that even mentioned bonds but there was next to nothing about closing off a bond. You couldn’t sever the bond without Loki so you were searching for a way to permanently close off one side. It was like dampening the bond but much, much stronger. The pair would still be bonded, and in the case of a soul bond if one partner perished the other would as well, but with the bond closed off it would be impossible to locate the other and no feelings and emotions would be shared. It was similar to when you or Loki blocked the bond but it wouldn’t require any concentration and once closed off it would be impossible to reopen.

You knew it was possible and even saw the rite performed when you and Lok were researching your soul bond. At the time you were nearly physically sick at the thought of closing off a bond but now you wished you had paid more attention. Several books mentioned the rite and one contained a very rough outline of the spell but it was so old and the pages so faded that you could barely make it out. Even with your magic bleeding into the book to darken the words the page was too old and the ink faded beyond repair.

Though Asgard’s library was immense you knew there were countless libraries and archives across the realms that could possibly contain the spell you were searching for. The problem was you would likely be denied entry without Loki at your side. Yes, you were a princess of Asgard but only by marriage and that title would only get you so far. You first realized Loki’s influence when the two of you traveled the realms for a year prior to your engagement. Sometimes it took no more than a look or a single word to gain access to wherever you wished to enter. Over the years you were awed at the youngest prince’s influence throughout the Nine Realms and beyond.

With a sigh you tipped your head back and stared sightlessly at the ceiling. You had no idea how much time had passed since you last saw Loki. It could have been days or weeks or even years. Time lost all meaning as you slept through the day then slipped through the silent corridors at night, digging through the archives for anything that even contained the word ‘bond’.”

What hurt more than the papercuts or the strained muscles of your back as you hunched over the table was your heart. Not once during your self-imposed isolation had Loki come looking for you. At this point you didn’t know what you would say if you saw him but the knowledge that he was done, that you’d finally pushed him too far still hurt. Before he was your husband he was your dearest friend and knowing that you had destroyed centuries of friendship made you hate yourself even more. Though it hurt so badly your chest physically ached, you knew it was for the best. Loki was a wonderful man who deserved so much more than someone who was afraid of their own shadow.

Wrapping a concealment charm around yourself, you stood and stretched. It was still dark but instead of returning to your rooms you found yourself taking a different path. Your mind was racing in a million different directions and you suddenly looked up with a start. You didn’t think you had been walking for very long but in reality you had wandered beyond the palace and were halfway down the rainbow bridge before you registered your location. For a moment you considered turning back but something kept you moving forward. Eventually you stepped into the domed chamber of the bifrost where Heimdal stood silently at his post.

“Is there somewhere you would like to go, princess?”

The deep voice made you jump and your concealment charm fell away in your surprise. Though your charms were powerful there was very little that the gatekeeper was unable to see. Your footsteps echoed as you took a few more steps and stared into the swirling gates. “How do you do it?”

“Do what?”

“Constantly stare into the darkness. Doesn’t it drive you mad? Day in and out you look out at…nothing.”

“That is where you are wrong. I don’t merely see darkness, I see all of the wonders of the Nine Realms and beyond. I see pain and suffering, I see wars, I see death, I see tragedies of all sorts but I also have the honor of seeing the beauties of the worlds. I see joyful celebrations, I see weddings and births, I see forests turning scorched land green, I see people rebuilding after a disaster. I see the worst but I also see the best and for that I am honored.”

His words made something twist uncomfortably within you. “I envy you. I’ve lost sight of the light and the beauty it contains and it’s not coming back.”

“Forgive me, your highness, but that is not true. Even in the furthest corners of the galaxy there is still light. It’s weak and faint but it’s still there.” You fell silent and wrapped your arms around yourself as your hands began to shake. After several minutes Heimdal asked once more, “Is there somewhere you would like to go?”

Though it was still a few hours from dawn you knew that time moved differently between realms. “What is my sister Runa doing?”

Heimdal shifted his gaze for a moment as he focused on the small country home and its inhabitants. “She just finished the morning chores and is beginning to prepare breakfast while her husband tries to rouse your nephew.”

You chewed on your bottom lip as you considered his words. Mornings in Runa’s household tended to be a bit chaotic and you hated to disrupt their routine but she was also the one who was always there for you. She was the one who lured you out of bed after you miscarried, she was the one who calmed your nerves on your wedding day and she was the one who arrived as soon as you were allowed to return home after your capture in order to take the burden off of both you and Loki while you recovered. Without a doubt your brothers and younger sisters would rush to your side in an instant but something deep down told you that Runa would understand your plight. Perhaps she would know of a way to solve your dilemma regarding the bond.

“I’d like to visit her, please.” Heimdal nodded and after a moment the bifrost sprang to life. Closing your eyes, you sucked in a breath an instant before you went hurtling across the cosmos.

You’d barely touched down when the front door flew open and a dark headed blur was rushing towards you. “Auntie!”

Leaning down, you scooped the small boy into your arms and spun him around, his excitement luring a smile out of you. “Fen! You’re getting so big! I demand that you stop growing this instant, do you understand?” The little boy giggled and tightened his arms around your neck as you began to walk towards the house.

“Is uncle Loki coming?” The smile immediately disappeared and you swallowed hard to keep your voice steady. “Not this time. He…he had something important to take care of.”

“More important than me?”

You ruffled the dark mop of hair. “Yes, even more important than you.”

As you neared the front door you saw a very surprised Runa and her husband, Mikel, framed in the doorway. After her shock wore off she rushed forward to greet you. “Is everything alright?” You shifted your eyes towards Fen and minutely shook your head. Thankfully she understood your silent words and forced a smile. “It’s lovely to see you, would you care to join us for breakfast?”

“I don’t want to impose…”

“Please, Auntie?” Fen’s lower lip stuck out comically.

“Alright but I insist that you let me help.”

Mikel squeezed your shoulder and kissed your cheek in greeting before taking Fen to clean up before the meal. You could feel Runa’s eyes on you as you moved around the small kitchen and did your best to ignore her. During the meal Fen chattered excitedly and asked dozens of questions about Asgard and your adventures. More often than not he asked about Loki and it took all of your skill to keep your emotions in check. Afterwards you insisted on doing the dishes while Runa helped Fen get ready for school.

“Will you be here when I get home?” asked Fen while fighting against Mikel as he attempted to button the squirming boy’s coat.

With a wave of your hand the buttons were fastened and you shook your head. “Not this time.”

“Awww…” You knelt down and hugged him tightly. “When will you be back?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Next time will you bring uncle Loki?” For the second time that day you forced your emotions down. “Yes, he’ll come to visit. I know he would love to see you.” There were hugs all around as Mikel led Fen out the door, he would drop him at the schoolhouse before heading to work.

Once they were gone you sat down heavily on the couch. After a moment Runa sat next to you and once more you squirmed beneath her gaze. “Drop it.”

You frowned. “Drop what?”

“Don’t forget that I’ve known you literally since the day you were born and though your concealment spells are good I can still tell when you’re using one.” Grumbling beneath your breath at your too attentive sister you allowed the light charm to fade. Runa sucked in a breath and you turned your face away. Dark circles bruised the skin beneath your eyes and you’d lost an alarming amount of weight in the past few weeks making your features stand out sharply. “Gods, what happened? You look awful.”

“Thank you,” you replied flatly.

“What’s wrong?”

You couldn’t face her so you tipped your head back to stare at the ceiling. “It’s Loki.”

“What about him?” asked Runa, her voice hard.

“I…I have to find a way to break our bond.”

Your sister was so shocked that it took her several moments to reply. “What? Why? The two of you share the deepest connection I’ve ever seen and were blessed with a soul bond. I can’t imagine Loki doing something that would warrant such a reaction.”

“He hasn’t done anything, it’s me. I’m killing him.”

Runa’s hand found yours and squeezed it gently. “I don’t understand. Talk to me, little bird.” When you refused to answer she grasped your chin gently and turned your head until your eyes met. “Please? I can’t help if I don’t know what’s wrong.”

“You can’t help me. I’m too broken.”

“I can listen.”

For a few moments you hesitated, afraid of your older sister’s judgment, but you knew she would drag it out of you eventually. People said you got it from your father but you’d inherited your stubbornness from Runa. “I’m lost and I’m scared. I don’t know what to do.” Instead of speaking you were pulled closer and your head was guided to rest on the older woman’s shoulder. It was a position you had sat in countless times and for the first time in days you felt yourself relax.

“You’re not lost, you’re right here with me and don’t be scared, little bird. You may be afraid of your demons but I’m not.”

Fat tears began to roll down your cheeks and Runa simply held you while the emotions spilled out along with your tears. For long minutes you simply cried in the arms of your sister knowing that no matter what she would always be by your side. Finally the tears slowed and you began to talk, your voice so low that she had to lean closer to hear. You told her everything, even things you’d kept from Loki. The remembered terror of your last encounter nearly triggered another panic attack but you forced yourself to breathe through it until you were calm. The shards of your broken heart dug deeper as you spoke of breaking the bond in order to give Loki his freedom and you absently rubbed at your chest to dispel the ache. Finally there were no more words and your eyes closed as Runa slowly rubbed your back.

This time it was Runa who took her time before speaking. “Little bird, do you know how immensely loved you are? Did you see the look on Fen’s face? He thinks the Nine Realms revolve around you and he’s not the only one. You may not be able to see the light but you are the light to so many people. When we were young you were a beacon that people were drawn to but you were, and still are, always willing to share that light with anyone who needed it.”

“You’re just saying that because you’re my sister.”

“Actually, as the oldest I don’t have to be nice to you. It’s in the fine print on the contract.” Against your will a smile touched your lips. “Tell me, when have I ever sugar coated anything?” You shook your head, Runa was honest almost to the point of rudeness. “I know you’re scared and tired but you are not alone no matter what the darkness tells you. If I have to move the entire family to the palace or your home so you have constant reminders of how loved you are I will.” It wasn’t an idle threat. A laugh almost formed at the thought of all of your siblings, their spouses and an army of nieces and nephews suddenly invading the palace. The few days spent on Asgard for your wedding was chaotic enough, you could only imagine what would happen if they were there for an extended amount of time.

“Odin would probably spark a war just to get out of the palace.”

“I wouldn’t put it past the cyclops.” A kiss was pressed to the top of your head. “It’s okay to be scared, it’s okay to feel lost but know that the light is not gone. It’s illusive but it’s there, I promise.” She fell silent and your stomach twisted, anticipating her next words. “You shouldn’t block the bond.”

“Why not? You should see Loki, all I do is hurt him and he doesn’t deserve that, deserve me.”

“As an older sibling I’m obligated to believe that no one is good enough for my little sisters or brothers but I’ll make an exception for Loki. Since the day you met you’ve been inseparable and though it took you a long time to see it, he’s loved you for most of his life. Do you honestly think he would let you just disappear? Ragnarok would be upon us as he tore the Nine Realms and those beyond to shreds searching for you. Yes, he’s hurting but not in the way you think. Seeing you in pain is what’s causing him pain. He loves you so much, dove, and I’m sure it’s driving him mad because he doesn’t know how to soothe the wound. Previously there was an enemy for him to attack, to protect you from but now the enemy is invisible and it’s damn near impossible to fight a ghost.”

“What do I do? I don’t want him to hurt but I’m too broken.”

“Nothing is ever broken beyond repair. Don’t you remember? We learned that the hard way while trying to make threadbare clothes last a few more months or patching a hole in the roof in the middle of a blizzard. Things broke but we fixed them and this is just one more challenge to find a solution for.”

“How?”

Runa shook her head. “I don’t know but there is an answer, it’s just hidden but it will be found. My first suggestion is to see Loki.” You stiffened at her words. “You don’t have to speak to him or touch him or even look him in the eye but let him know that at least physically you’re okay.”

“Then what?”

“What makes you happy?”

“As of late? Nothing.”

“That’s not true. You said you were so excited to see Draugr the other day. Then go see her. Just sit in her stall, brush her, feed her apples and if you feel up to it take her for a ride. Also, talk to her. She’s a brilliant horse and though she cannot speak, perhaps she can provide some comfort.” She paused to get her thoughts in order. “What about going to the training grounds?”

“I don’t feel like seeing Sif and-”

“No, go alone. Grab your bow or your swords and literally fight the darkness. You’ve always had a brilliant imagination so form the darkness into a being or a beast in your mind’s eye. Then kill it. It may resurrect itself over and over but you’re stronger and will win the battle no matter the odds.”

“You give me too much credit.”

“No.” Her voice was sharp. “I know you and you are one of the strongest people I know. No matter what happens you always rise from the ashes and I know this time it will be the same. It may take longer, it may hurt more but you will get through this. Even if someone has to take your hand and drag you every step of the way, you will be freed from the darkness. We’ll take turns, I volunteer Fen to go first. The amount of energy that child has is exhausting.”

You choked out a watery laugh at the mental image of a small boy that didn’t even come up to your hip dragging you along behind him, fearlessly pulling you from the darkness. “I’m so tired.”

“I know, love, it’s exhausting to fight alone. No matter what the darkness says you are not a burden and you’re not alone. There’s an army behind you.”

For nearly a quarter of an hour you sat in silence, safe in your sister’s arms. Finally you stirred and sat up, waving a hand to dry the tears that stained her shirt. “Thank you.”

“No need to thank me, little bird. We’re family and I’m happy to help shoulder the burden.”

“Likewise. If you or Mikel or Fen need anything, anything at all, don't hesitate to ask.” Runa nodded and you stood, surprised to see how high the sun was. “I didn’t mean to keep you so long. Is there anything I can help with?”

The older woman waved your words away. “I was supposed to have tea with a neighbor but sent a message as soon as you arrived.” Though Runa wasn’t gifted with much magic, she had enough to construct the same messenger birds as you.

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“Actually, you did me a favor. She’s a horrible gossip and the thought of being trapped in her company was dreadful.” Runa took your arm and the two of you walked in silence to the bifrost site. Before you could turn to leave she pulled you into a crushing hug. “I love you.”

You returned the embrace just as tightly. “I love you too.” She took a few steps back as you called for Heimdal and disappeared in a flash of rainbow light.

Back on Asgard you wrapped a concealment charm around yourself and carefully navigated the now busy streets and corridors until you reached your rooms. As you moved closer you paused, there was something in front of your door. Stepping close, your breath caught. A vase, no, a cup was on the ground and within it a single rose. Though you were exhausted and the hallway was dim you would recognize that flower anywhere. It was one of the queen’s roses; the same ones you had shoved Loki into upon your first meeting and the same ones you carried down the aisle at your wedding. Bending down, you picked up the cup and nearly dropped it in surprise. The mug was one Loki crafted for you ages ago and that you shattered in your anger and frustration after the disastrous trip to Nidavellir. To your surprise Loki repaired it and gave it to you the night he proposed.

You hadn’t had the heart to throw the shards away but knew you couldn’t fix it. You also hadn’t told Loki about it, not having the courage to admit what you had done.

“How did you know?”

“I found it in the library.”

“I broke it when we fought.” You refused to meet his eyes.

“I thought as much. It was impossible for it to shatter that severely without some force behind it.”

“I’m sorry.”

Gentle fingers turned your chin and a soft smile greeted you. “It’s fine. I like to think of that cup as a representation of us. No matter how broken it may seem, it can always be fixed.”

“That’s beautiful.”

“I have my moments.”

You glanced around but the halls were empty. Holding the mug close, you pushed open the door to your chambers. You needed a nap and a bath and after that, even though you were terrified, you would go find Loki.

Chapter Text

When Loki woke he automatically reached towards your side of the bed and his heart sank to find that it was cold. Five long days had passed since you ran screaming from his rooms. He knew that you were still in the palace, you hadn’t completely blocked the bond so now and then a few emotions would slip through. Your sorrow and pain and anger was almost palpable and all he wanted to do was pull you into his arms and chase away the dark emotions.

Once he had tried to enter your rooms but the moment that his hand touched the doorknob it felt as though millions of red hot pins were sinking into his skin. Though painful he knew he could break through it but he also knew that if you placed that type of spell on the door that you didn’t want to be disturbed. Not knowing what else to do, he placed the once shattered mug and one of the queen’s roses in front of your door to show that he still loved and supported you.

With a sigh he sat up but a flash of color caught his eye. Perched on your pillow was a small violet bird. He held out a trembling hand and the construct hopped onto it for a moment before letting out a chirp and flying a circle around him. With a wave of his hand he changed his clothes and hurried after the bird as it passed through the bedroom door. To his surprise it led to your rooms and this time when he tried the door the spell was gone and it smoothly swung open.

The space was pristine and the only evidence of your presence were the rumpled sheets of the bed. Following the bird outside to the balcony his breath caught. You were sitting on a small loveseat with your knees pulled tightly to your chest, obscuring your face. The bird flew towards you and disappeared in a shimmer of violet.

“May I join you?” asked Loki. Heart racing, you nodded. You chose this seat on purpose but now that Loki was actually here you were beginning to regret the decision. The cushions dipped with the added weight and though the loveseat was large enough for two you could still feel the heat of Loki’s body as he cautiously sat down. Neither of you spoke and after several tense minutes the mage cleared his throat. “I’m sorry that I frightened you the other day. I should never have grabbed you like that. Is your head alright?”

Nodding, you turned your head slightly so your words wouldn’t be muffled against your knees. “My head is fine. You didn’t scare me, when I hit my head I didn’t see you. I saw…him, the other Loki from…from…” The remaining words wouldn’t come and you swallowed hard. “I should be the one apologizing, I should never have said such harsh things to you. I know that you…you were just trying to help. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, my love, all is forgiven.” He raised his hand to place it on your shoulder but pulled it back, not knowing if the touch was welcome. You said something in response but it was so low that he couldn’t hear it. “What was that?”

“You may want to retract that statement.”

The mage frowned. “Why?”
Your stomach was twisted in knots but Loki deserved to know the truth. “I haven’t just been hiding in my rooms…I…I’ve been searching through the library archives.”

“What were you looking for?”

This was the moment of truth. You clenched your fists so tightly that your nails dug into the skin of your palms as you shoved down the rising panic. “A way to break the bond.”

Loki jerked as though he had been struck. “What? Why?” The words were spoken so softly that you could barely hear them and you didn’t need the bond to feel the pain inflicted by your statement.

Raising your head you gestured to the two of you. “Because of this. All I do is hurt you and I know that you just want to help but knowing that you’re in pain because of me is almost too much to bear. I thought,” you swallowed hard and blinked back tears. “I thought that you would be better off without me. Then there wouldn’t be any more pain or sadness or feelings of hopelessness. I thought if I broke the bond then you would be free of the burden that I have become.” You hid your face against your knees once more, terrified of his reaction.

“Better off without you? Have I been so lax in showing you my love, my devotion? I’ve loved you for more years than I can remember. I’ve sat at your bedside praying for you to recover time and again because I couldn’t imagine living my life without you. You're my wife, the one person I trusted enough to give my heart to and you truly believed, and apparently still believe, that my life would improve without you in it? Is our connection, our love so weak that it will shatter beneath the weight of the darkness? After everything that we’ve been through do you honestly believe that I would just walk away?”

At some point he stood and began to pace. Without looking you knew his hair would be a tangled mess from running his fingers through it. With each word his voice grew louder and louder until you slapped your hands over your ears, the shouting increasing your barely restrained panic. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” you whispered again and again but you knew that the words were lost beneath the sound of Loki’s triad.

Vaguely you realized that Loki was walking away and even though he was likely just stepping to the side to compose himself the thought of him leaving due to your words and actions was too much to bear. The panic that had been rising since the moment Loki stepped onto the balcony burst forth in a rush that threatened to drown you. Your lungs no longer filled with air and every muscle tightened until it felt like they would snap. There was a slight prick of pain as your nails dug into your skin and though you fought it, the world was beginning to fade around you. Finally your body couldn’t cope with the onslaught and everything went black.

From somewhere in the darkness you heard a voice pleading with you to come back. It would have been so easy to just drift away but you focused on the voice until it was louder than the rushing of blood in your ears. Opening your eyes you couldn’t help but flinch when you realized how close Loki was and though there was no room left you scooted as far away as possible, uncaring that the arm of the loveseat was digging into your side. Pulling your knees up, you hid your face against them while wrapping your arms around your legs once more. “Just breathe, love, you’re okay. I should never have shouted at you like that.”

You shook your head. “I deserve it.” Blinking back tears, you took a shuddering breath. “See? This is what I mean. All I do is hurt you and you’ve had enough pain in your life without me adding to it. Without the bond, without me, at least some of the pain would be eased.”

“Do you truly believe that?”

“I don’t know. I thought I did but now I’m not sure. Everything inside my head is so jumbled that I don’t know what are my own thoughts and what are whispers from the darkness.”

“Did,” Loki’s voice shook and what was left of your heart crumbled to dust. “Did you find a way to do it? To break the bond?”

“No. A normal bond can’t be broken, only unraveled and it’s dangerous. It also requires the participation of both parties and I knew that you’d never agree to break the bond. I couldn’t find much of anything about soul bonds but I assume it’s even more difficult and dangerous.”

Loki was quiet for a long time but without even looking at him you knew he was crying. “Is that what you want? To no longer be bonded with me?”

“No!” Your head snapped up and you laid eyes on your husband for the first time in nearly a week. He looked as exhausted as you felt and you watched as a tear slipped down the pale cheek. “No, that’s not what I want. I just don’t want you to hurt anymore. It was a selfish and hurtful and unfair idea and I know it’s unforgivable but I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep hurting you. If…if I’m gone then pain will be gone. I’d rather die than see you in pain.”

Loki’s hand cupped your cheek and you averted your eyes. “Don’t talk like that. I’ve sat at your side at the healers wondering if you would ever wake up. I held you as you were literally dying in my arms and prayed for a miracle. I don’t know what I would do if I lost you.”

“That’s easy, if I died you’d die because of the bond.”

“Then so be it because I don’t want to live in a world without you in it.”

Pushing his hand away you stood and wrapped your arms around yourself. “Why are you doing this? How can you do this?”

“Do what?” Loki stood but didn’t move towards you, afraid you would bolt.

You gestured wildly. “This! How can you be so kind? How can you still stand to be near me after everything that I’ve done, that I’ve said? I tried to break the bond for god's sake! I’ve done nothing but hurt you and drag you down for months. How can you bear to be around someone that is so broken?”

Loki stepped closer and gently gripped your shoulders to halt your pacing. One hand softly grasped your chin and tilted your head upwards. You kept your eyes firmly closed in an attempt to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall. “Look at me.” Though it was a command, the words were softly spoken. Part of you wanted to run and find a dark corner to hide away in but something kept you rooted to the spot. Eventually you blinked open your eyes, tears breaking through and slipping down your cheeks. Even though Loki’s eyes were red from exhaustion and emotion they were still gleaming. “I’m still here because I love you. I took a vow to stay at your side no matter what and nothing, nothing will uproot me from my place beside you.” You tried to turn away but Loki held you steady. Looking into the brilliant eyes of your husband you felt your chin begin to tremble.

“But…”

“No ‘buts’. Once upon a time you told me that life can’t always be beaches and sunsets and lazy days. There will be pain and sadness and anger but you’re worth it.” He pressed his lips to your forehead and you resisted the urge to pull away. “You are my wife, my love and I can’t imagine a life without you. If you need to run, then run. If you need to hide, then hide but know that I will never be far behind you. I’ll tear the Nine Realms apart if that is what it takes to make sure that you’re safe.”

Against your will you choked out a watery laugh. “You sound like Runa.”

Loki frowned and glanced towards your empty rooms. “Is she here?”

“No. I visited her yesterday and she said that you would start Ragnarok if I just disappeared.”

A smile touched his lips. “She’s not wrong.” Gently he brushed away a tear. “You are so, so loved and you’re not alone. I can’t imagine the pain that you feel but please know that you aren’t hurting me or making me suffer or any other lies that the darkness has told you. Yes, I hate seeing you in pain and it hurts my heart to watch you struggle but I’ve never been afraid of a little pain. Let me help, let me shoulder some of the burden. And it’s not just me, if Thor can lift that damn hammer then he can help lift some of the darkness.”

Again a broken laugh passed your lips. “Runa volunteered Fen to help drag me out of the darkness.”

Loki smiled. “He would do it too. Even my clones were worn out when he was here for the wedding.”

“He misses you.”

“We’ll have to go and visit.”

You nodded absently and pressed a trembling hand to his chest. “Can you forgive me? For everything? I don’t deserve it but-”

“Shhh. Remember what I said, no ‘buts’. And there’s nothing to forgive, the past is in the past. It’s a new day, a chance to start over.”

Your mind raced at Loki’s words. You couldn’t believe that after everything you had put him through he was still standing at your side. Part of you wanted to argue but the other side of you was too tired to fight. If the mad mage wanted to follow you down this twisted path so be it. Taking a small step forward you let your head rest on his chest and immediately his arms came around you. His hands were warm on your back as you trembled in his embrace. Nonsense words filled your ears and eventually you calmed enough that you were certain you wouldn’t faint the moment Loki released you.

“I don’t deserve you.” Though your words were muffled by the material of Loki’s tunic he still heard you.

“Nonsense. You deserve the world and so much more.” He shifted until he could meet your eyes. “The darkness is lying to you. I am the god of lies and it’s easy to see the false truths. I know their whispers are loud but let the voices of those who love you drown them out.” You nodded weakly and reached up to dry your eyes. “Would you like to go inside?”

“Can we stay out here? Just for a little while.”

“Of course.” Loki moved to sit on the loveseat once more and you stared at the empty space next to him for several long moments. Eventually you lowered yourself to sit next to him and when his arm tentatively wrapped around your shoulders you nodded. He pulled you closer and for the first time in what felt like forever you began to relax in the arms of your love.

“I love you, my prince.”

A kiss was pressed to the top of your head. “I love you too, my princess.”

~*~

You didn’t remember drifting off but when you blinked open your eyes the sun was high in the sky. Loki’s arms were still around you but at one point he had shifted, one leg stretched out across the loveseat while the other foot was planted on the floor. Both of his arms were wrapped protectively around you and by his deep, slow breaths it was easy to tell that he was still asleep. For a moment you were confused thinking that the earlier conversation, if you could even call it that, was a dream. Then Loki’s arms tightened around you and you realized that this was real. Somehow despite your abhorrent behavior and hurtful words Loki had forgiven you even though you knew you didn’t deserve it.

Before you could move from his embrace Loki began to stir and momentarily froze when he realized the position the two of you were in. When you didn’t try to bolt he relaxed, pressing a kiss against your temple. “What time is it?”

You glanced skyward. “Nearly noon.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

“Me either.”

An awkward silence stretched between you. “Come on, let’s call down to the kitchens. I’m famished.” The thought of food made you sick, you’d barely eaten this past week, but you nodded before standing and heading inside. While Loki was busy you changed then moved to sit at the round table where you typically took your meals. The grain of the wood was fascinating and you traced the whorls and curves while ignoring Loki’s gaze as he sat down across from you. You were ashamed of your behavior and though he promised time and again that he wasn’t angry and that the two of you would move past this, it hurt to look into the loving eyes of your husband.

Once more the meal was silent, you couldn’t remember the last time the two of you held a conversation while sharing a meal, and afterwards Loki guided you to sit on the plush couch. While he didn’t sit on the other end he did give you your space which you appreciated. Out of the corner of your eye you could see him nervously wringing his hands and your heartbeat began to speed up. “There’s…there’s something I’d like to ask you.”

“Oh?” Your mind began to race and you forced yourself to breathe.

“Would you be willing to speak with Eir?”

That certainly wasn’t what you were expecting and you frowned. “Why?”

“I was speaking with her the other day and what you are experiencing is similar to what soldiers experience after returning home from a harrowing battle or war.”

“But I haven’t been in a battle or war.”

“That’s not true. For days you fought to survive and then led a battalion to face your abductors. If that’s not a battle then I don’t know what is.”

You chewed on your bottom lip. “What does Eir have to do with any of this?”

“There is a potion that helps soothe the minds of those tormented by dark and painful memories and thoughts.”

With a gasp you snapped your head around to look at the remnants of the meal still sitting on the table. “Did you…?”

“No. I would never slip something like that into your food or drink. Especially since you haven’t had time to speak with Eir first.”

Your shoulders lowered and you nodded. “This potion, what does it do? I’ve never heard of such a thing in my studies.”

“She can explain it better than I can but it helps chase away some of the darkness and calms your mind. It doesn’t fix it but for some it gives an advantage in the fight against the dark lies that are constantly whispered.”

“What are the side effects?”

Loki shook his head. “I don’t know. A lot of what she said didn’t make sense to me as I’m not as familiar with potions as you are.” He reached across the couch and placed his hand next to yours, your fingers barely grazing each other. “This absolutely has to be your choice and I will support you no matter what but would you be willing just to talk to her?”

For a long time you were silent. The only potions you were aware of that could calm the mind calmed it to the point where the individual was nearly comatose, living their life in a haze. Typically such a draught was saved for those who were insane, violent or a mixture of both. Perhaps after everything you were insane and though you were less than thrilled about the thought of living your life behind a cloud of chemicals maybe it was for the best. If it locked your mind away at least you wouldn’t be able to harm those who cared about you. Eventually you nodded. “Okay.”

Deciding to get it over with, you stood started towards the door. “Would you like me to come with you?”

You shook your head. “No. I’d like to have this conversation in private if that’s okay.”

“Of course. I’ll be here when you return.” Taking a deep breath you opened the door and walked through the maze of halls before approaching the healing wing.

Eir was occupied when you arrived so you perched in an uncomfortable chair for nearly an hour before she was free. Upon seeing you she motioned for you to follow and led you into a tiny room that contained a small desk, two chairs and so many books that you were unsure what the color of the wall was. She sat with her hands steepled in front of her and something about her presence immediately put you at ease. “What can I do for you, my dear?”

“Loki said that there was a potion that could help me. Something that would calm my mind?”

The older woman nodded. “You’ve experienced a lot of trauma in a short amount of time which is difficult enough but is even harder on someone so young.”

You shook your head. “I’m not that young.”

Eir smiled. “I was old when you were born.” She turned serious once more. “Your affliction is typically experienced by soldiers but I’ve seen it happen to others who have survived a harrowing experience. The potion in question does help calm and clear your mind. It is not a cure, if I could find a cure that could permanently chase the pain and darkness from someone’s mind I would be the wealthiest woman in the Nine.”

“Aren’t potions like that usually used on criminals or those who have gone mad?”

“While there are potions that can bring the mind nearly to a standstill this one is different. Your senses are not dulled, your body is not impaired. The potion simply provides some clarity and gives you an advantage when fighting against dark thoughts and memories. Think of it as a candle in the night; it may not be enough to brighten the entire space but it does help chase some of the shadows away.”

You sat back and chewed on your bottom lip as you considered her words. Eir had been there during your darkest moments and had put her life on the line to save yours. You trusted her and knew that her words were true. “What are the side effects?”

“At first it may make you drowsy but that is likely due to the fact that you haven’t been sleeping well and your body needs to rest. Some experience a bit of nausea. You may be ravenous or you may not want to eat at all. Many experience the feeling of confusion; after being so low for so long it often feels odd when you begin to feel normal, for lack of a better word, again.”

“Are the effects any different for mages?” Growing up you quickly realized that not all medicines or remedies mixed well with your magic.

Eir tilted her head to the side as she considered the question. “Honestly? I’m not sure. I’ve never given the potion to a magic user as strong as you. If you decide to try it I would prefer if you stayed on Asgard so I could monitor you. At least for a week or so.”

Her response made you frown. “Do you know if it will interfere with my personal spells?” A chill went down your spine as the memory of your miscarriage began to surface. Since then you and Loki had never truly discussed the topic of children and the thought of an unplanned pregnancy at a time like this made you physically ill.

“I can guarantee that it will not.” You raised an eyebrow. “You are a powerful mage but if this potion can’t burn through one of my protection spells I know for a fact that it will not break through the one protecting your womb.”

Against you will a blush burned your cheeks. Eir had been the one to confirm your pregnancy and the one at your side when it tragically ended. There was no reason to be embarrassed but her blunt words made you shift in discomfort. “How often will I have to take it and can I brew it myself?”

“For the first four weeks you would take a vial every evening before bed, then every other day, then every week and finally once a month. At that point we can decide if you want to proceed with or without it. Yes, you can brew it yourself but not until I’m sure that there will be no ill effects.”

You nodded. Even though you were terrified of the thought of having to rely on a potion just to get through the day you knew the other option was worse. You could feel not only your mind but your body weakening beneath the constant onslaught and it was only a matter of time before you did something drastic to chase away the pain. “Okay, I’ll try it.”

Eir rose and walked to the one shelf that wasn’t laden with books. Instead this one was full of bottles and jars and vials of all shapes and sizes. She took a small bottle down from a high shelf and quickly poured the contents into seven small vials that were no bigger than your thumb. The liquid was golden and reminded you of the moment before sunset when the entire world seemed to be bathed in gold. “Don’t take it until you’re ready for bed and if anything doesn’t feel right send Loki for me immediately.” She slipped the vials into a simple cloth bag and stopped you with a hand on your shoulder before you could turn to leave. “You’re going to be alright. I’ve seen more death and darkness in this life than you can imagine but it doesn’t last forever, I promise.”

When you returned to your rooms Loki was half heartedly reading a book and vanished it the moment the door opened. He met you halfway and his fingers brushed against the bag clutched in your hand. “Did you speak with Eir?”

“Yes and I’m willing to try the potion. She wants me to stay here for at least a week as she’s never had a mage use it. You’re supposed to go and fetch her if I have any type of reaction.”

“I will, in a heartbeat.” Loki nodded towards the bag. “May I see?”

You handed over the bag and he carefully retrieved one of the vials, holding it up to the light for inspection. “I don’t know what I was expecting but I didn’t think it would be gold.”

“It reminds me of sunset. Especially sunsets at the overlook.”

It took Loki a moment before he realized what you were talking about and a warm smile spread across his face as he carefully placed the bag and vial on a side table. He took your hands in his own and his thumb brushed your wedding ring. “Like the sunset before the star shower?”

You nodded, your gaze faraway at the memory. “The landscape was more golden than the wine in our glasses.” You sighed and shook your head. “Things seemed so much easier then. At the time my biggest worry was the idea of leaving you to your duties when we returned to Asgard. I…we…we were so much happier then.” Pulling one hand free, you tucked a lock of hair behind Loki’s ear. “I can still see the look on your face when I said ‘yes’.”

Loki’s free arm wrapped around your waist and you allowed him to pull you closer. “And I can still see the look on yours when I asked.” His thumb brushed against a patch of bare skin and you felt a shiver spread through you. “See? The darkness hasn’t taken all of the light away. You still have the light of that sunset and the brilliant star shower that followed.”

“And the sunlight of the beach with the purple waves when you asked me to be your consort.” For what felt like the millionth time tears pricked at your eyes but this time they weren’t from sadness, they were the outpouring of brilliant memories.

“And brilliant torchlight when we had our first official dance together on Thor’s name day,” Loki added, his voice thick with emotion.

You were quiet for a moment as you allowed the joy of those snippets of time begin to tug at the tendrils of darkness that were desperately clinging to you. “True, I do have all of those lights but you’re forgetting the most important one.”

The mage frowned in thought. “Our wedding day?” You shook your head. “Our wedding night?” He accompanied the words with a grin and you playfully rolled your eyes before shaking your head once more. “My love, we could be here all day. May I have a hint?”

“The light that I will never forget, that will never dim and that will always be a beacon in the darkness is you. From the moment you stood up covered in dirt and rose petals in the queen’s garden, it’s always been you. No matter what, no matter how impenetrable the darkness seemed, you've always been a light for me. I hate that I lost sight of your light and I’m so sorry that I tried to extinguish it. But…I…I…thank you for sharing it with me and never allowing it to dim.” By now both you and Loki were crying but neither of you seemed to care. “You were right when you said the light wasn’t gone but I was looking in the wrong place.” You gently pressed a hand to his chest. “It was right here all along.”

Loki didn’t reply, he simply wrapped his arms around you and held you tightly. You returned the embrace just as fiercely, afraid that this moment of peace and calm would fade away if you let go. Eventually his grip loosened but he didn’t go far, pulling back just enough to press a gentle kiss to your lips. You could taste the salt of his tears but somehow it made the kiss even sweeter. He conjured a handkerchief and you blinked your eyes open when you felt him brushing your tears away. He gave you a watery smile and his hand came up to cup the back of your neck, his thumb gently brushing against your skin. “You’ve always been my light. As soon as I hit the ground in the queen’s garden I was drawn to your light like a moth to a flame. Over time it has only grown brighter and even though you can’t see it I can promise you that it was never extinguished. It burns so brightly that even if I was on the outskirts of the furthest realm I would be able to see it and know that it would guide me back home, back to you.”

Words failed you so you simply let your head rest on Loki’s chest, letting the warmth of his body sink into your skin. You were terrified and hurt and broken and worried that Eir’s potion wouldn’t work but deep down, far away from the darkness’ reach, you knew that there would always be a light to guide your way. True, it was in the form of a mischievous mage but you wouldn’t have it any other way.

Chapter Text

“Gotcha!” Fen shrieked in surprise and delight as Loki suddenly appeared behind him in a flash of green. The mage scooped up the small boy and swung him around before tickling him until his laughter filled the yard. Eventually Fen managed to scramble free and took off at a run with Loki not far behind.

You couldn’t help but join in with their laughter as you watched their antics from Runa’s porch. There was some type of school holiday which meant that Fen was home all day. Unfortunately Mikel had to work but would be joining the four of you for dinner.

“It’s good to hear your laugh again, little bird,” said Runa while shaking her head fondly as Fen rushed to and fro in an attempt to avoid Loki.

You nodded but didn’t reply.

Six months had passed since you started taking Eir’s potion and while you still weren’t back to your usual self, you had to admit that you felt better. There were still dark days when you couldn’t get out of bed but instead of just hiding away you allowed Loki to stay at your side. Sometimes he would slide beneath the covers with you, holding you and sharing silent support. Other times he would read to you or recall tales of past adventures, often using his magic to make the stories come to life. Your anger would sometimes flare to life out of nowhere but instead of taking it out on those around you, you would head to the training grounds or practice for hours at the training area you and Loki built at the seaside home. It was slow going but at least there was some progress which gave you hope for the future. You would always be broken but gradually you were putting the pieces back together.

As you watched Fen lunge towards one of Loki’s clones before abruptly changing direction you chuckled. “Uh oh.”

“What is it?” asked Runa, her eyes flying to Fen to make sure he was alright.

“Fen either has magic or the sight, maybe a bit of both.”

“How can you tell?”

“He can almost see through Loki’s clones. Watch.”

Loki suddenly split into three and dashed off in different directions. Immediately Fen raced after one figure then stopped, his head cocked to the side and his face screwed up in concentration. He turned away, looked back for a moment, then hurried after a different clone. While the one he inevitably grabbed faded into a shower of green sparkles at his touch, you knew that look. It had graced your face innumerable times when your magic first began to spark.

Runa’s head fell back with a groan. “Gods, he’s already a handful and now there’s magic thrown into the mix.”
You patted your sister’s hand. “Don’t worry. He’ll have tutors to help guide him through the process. It won’t be anything like teaching me.”

While Runa didn’t have much magic she did have some but your mother and father were there to guide her through the process. Your magic manifested early and for a time your mother and father were able to assist with your studies and help control the often chaotic gift. Then when you were no more than an adolescent, a time when you were truly coming into your magic, your parents were killed in an accident. Runa did her best but you were more or less on your own to try and navigate the ways of this beautiful yet dangerous gift.

“What kind of magic does he have?”

You shrugged. “I’m not sure. He’s just beginning to manifest and it’s too early to tell. In a few years we’ll take him to Asgard to have him evaluated.”

“Asgard?” Though she tried to hide it you could hear the worry in the older woman’s voice.

“Don’t worry, he’ll only be taken to Asgard to be evaluated and of course you and Mikel will be there. Once we know what kind of magic he has we will find the right set of tutors for him. They may be right here in the village and if not Asgard’s tutors are often sent across the Nine to teach students from every realm.” You squeezed her hand gently. “He won’t be forced to stay on Asgard and whatever happens is up to you. If I can prevent a few shattered glasses and slightly scorched walls I will.” It was obvious that Runa was worried and you foresaw many long discussions in your future.

“Autie! Uncle Loki is cheating!”

With a laugh you stood and gasped dramatically. “Loki? The God of Mischief, cheating? Who could imagine such a thing?”

Little Fen stood with his hands on his hips, looking every bit like his mother. “He can tele…tel…”

“Teleport,” replied Loki while suddenly appearing at your side. You knew he was there due to the bond but pretended to jump in surprise.

“Yeah! See? That’s not fair! And he can make copies of himself.” He had recently lost a tooth and his ‘s’ was accompanied by a slight whistle.

A mischievous grin touched your lips. After knowing Loki for centuries and being married for nearly a decade it was inevitable that the trickster’s ways would rub off on you. “What makes you think that I’m any better?”

Fen cocked his head in confusion. “What do you mean?”

During your wedding and the following celebration you didn’t use your magic much, mainly during the bonding ceremony and playing pranks on your siblings. Fen had been younger then and likely didn’t notice your magic. “Loki may be able to teleport but I can disappear.” Before the last word fell from your lips you vanished. Fen gasped and raced towards where you were standing but you were already gone. He looked up at Loki with wide eyes then spun to look frantically around the yard.

“Auntie?”

Slowly you reappeared leaning against a tree on the far side of the yard. “Yes, Fen?”

“How did you do that?” He walked towards you hesitantly, afraid you would disappear again. He was used to Loki’s magic but the appearance of yours obviously left him rattled.

Kneeling down, you held out your arms and Fen let out a breath when he found you whole and solid. “I have magic, just like uncle Loki.”

“Can you tel…telport?”

“No, I don’t have that skill but I can create charms that conceal me.” Fen frowned, unfamiliar with the word. “It means I can cast a spell and disappear.”

“Does it hurt?”

“Does what hurt?”

“Going away like that. Disappearing.”

You shook your head. “Not at all.” Looking up you saw Loki approaching and with a twist of his fingers a blanket appeared. Fen’s mouth fell open as Loki spread the blanket onto the ground and sat down with his back against the tree. A moment later you moved to sit next to him and Fen gently touched the blanket as though it would vanish at his touch.

“Can you do that, Auntie?”

“No, I can’t conjure things like Loki. That means that he can make things appear out of nowhere.”

“Does everyone have magic?”

“No, not everyone has magic. Your mama has a little but your papa doesn’t have any.”

“Do I have magic?”

Your eyes cut to Runa. “Maybe but you’re still a little too young to tell. In a few years, if you have magic, it will show up and then we can find out what kind of magic you have.”

The young boy’s eyes were wide as he looked between you and Loki. “There’s different kinds of magic? What kind do you have?”

“Well, I can heal people when they get hurt.” With a touch of your finger the scrape on his knee disappeared. “I can make all kinds of potions to help people, I can move things with my magic and I can make birds just like your mama.” After a few twists of your fingers a small violet bird sat perched on your hand. You guided Fen to hold his hands flat and for a moment you swore that he stopped breathing as the construct hopped onto his palms. For such a rambunctious little boy he held the bird as though it might shatter if he did as much as breathe on it. “Send it to mama.” Fen turned towards the porch and held his hands out. You gave the bird a tiny push with your magic and it went sailing through the air. A moment later it was joined by another bird with a silvery hue as Runa sent one to meet it. The two twisted and turned through the air and Fen’s head was tilted so far back as he watched the display that he nearly fell over. Finally the two birds merged and a shower of silver and violet sparks rained down onto the amazed child.

“Wow,” he breathed and you couldn’t keep the smile from your face. After the amazement faded he turned towards Loki. “Can you do that, Uncle?”

“Not quite. I can teleport and conjure things like your Auntie said. I can move things with my magic and make them levitate or stay in the air by themselves.” A fallen branch rose from the ground and Fen reached out, shocked that there was nothing holding it up. “Your aunt and I can do a lot of things with our magic but I think you’ll like this the most.” With a flick of his fingers the air in front of him was filled with swirls of color and a myriad of animals began to take shape.

Fen was transfixed and held a hand out to touch the display, shocked when his hand moved through it as though it were mist. You leaned close to the young boy whose eyes were firmly focused on the images painting the sky. “If you ask nicely, your uncle will tell you a story and turn the words into pictures.”

“Please, uncle Loki? I’m sorry I said you were cheating earlier. Can I please have a story?”

The mage laughed. “Of course.” To his surprise Fen clambered onto his lap and once the boy was settled Loki began to speak. “Once there was a raven with feathers as dark as night…”

You knew the tale well. It was one that most children in the Nine were familiar with and you doubted that it was the first time Fen had heard it but you knew for a fact that this was the first time he had seen it. With a smile you let your head rest against Loki’s shoulder as he wove the tale.

One story turned into three and despite his seemingly boundless energy the young boy began to tire. With a sigh he turned and curled into Loki’s arms, his face pressed against the soft fabric of his tunic. Carefully Loki shifted in order to cradle the child, his voice growing softer but not stopping the tale. Slowly he began to rock Fen in his arms, the movement matching the cadence of his voice. Something twisted in your chest as he gently brushed the dark hair away from the sleeping boy’s face, his touch gentle enough not to wake him. Eventually the story came to a close and Fen’s slow breaths indicated he was sound asleep. Slowly Loki got to his feet and you gathered up the blanket before following him towards the house. Runa stood and was smiling as she opened the door for Loki. You busied yourself with folding the blanket and sank back into your former seat, frowning when you realized your tea had gone cold. With a touch it was steaming once more.

After a beat Runa joined you and the two of you sat silently for some time. “He’s good with him.”

Her words made you jump. “What?”

“Loki. He’s good with Fen. It’s usually a fight to get him down for a nap.”

“I doubt he’s usually chased around by a mage for a couple of hours either.”

“True.” Once more your sister fell silent but you could practically hear her thinking. “Have,” she started. “Have you and Loki talked about…you know…expanding your family?”

The sharp pain in your chest returned and you absently rubbed at the ache. “Not really. We talked about it a few times before everything happened but not since then. I was in such a bad place for so long.” You shook your head. “I barely feel like myself as it is. Last time,” the pain in your chest flared to life beneath your hand. “Last time my hormones were constantly fluctuating and I have no idea what would happen if I got pregnant while taking this potion. Hel, I don’t even know if I could sustain a pregnancy at this point. Eir said that intense stress can physically affect you and I don’t know what I would do if I…if I miscarried again.”

“Love, life can’t be a series of ‘what ifs’.”

“I know but now everything seems uncertain. For the first time in my life I feel…fragile.”

Runa snorted. “You’re stronger than the iron in the forges, you’re far from fragile.” You didn’t reply. “This has been weighing on your mind for some time, hasn’t it?”

“Yes. When I was captured I wished I had given Loki a child so if something happened, if I was never found then he wouldn’t be alone.”

“Darling, a child would never be a replacement for you.”

“I know but when I was trapped, when I was in so much pain, I knew that if there was a child Loki would have had something to distract him, to keep him grounded during the search. I know a child isn’t a distraction but…words are escaping me today.”

You turned your head away and felt Runa’s hand cover yours. “I understand what you’re trying to say but there’s something else bothering you. What is it, little bird?”

“Loki is a prince and he should have heirs. He’s never pushed me but I can tell…I mean…just look at him with Fen. He wants a family, he deserves a family but I don’t know if I can give him one.”

“Peace, little one. I didn’t mean to stir up such emotions. I may not know Loki as well as you do but he loves you and he loves his life as it is. I can’t tell you how often he’s referred to you as his family and I think he’s more than content being an uncle that's an actual prince. Do you remember the little ones at your wedding? I thought the girls were about to swoon when they got the chance to dance with him and the boys constantly hounded him for stories about his adventures.” She urged you to face her. “He has a family, not just on Asgard but here and across the realms. He has in-laws and more nieces and nephews than he knows what to do with. What happens, happens and if children are not in your future there is nothing wrong with that. Families come in all shapes and sizes. Loki will never stop loving you, no matter what.” With a final squeeze to your hand she stood. “Come on, let’s get dinner started.”

“Do I have to chop the onions?”

“What do you think?”

Letting out a groan you followed the older woman into the house.

~*~

Later that night you and Loki were curled up in Runa’s guest room. The five of you were going for a ride in the morning and she insisted that you stay instead of traveling back and forth to your seaside home.

Loki was on his side and you were on your back, nearly lulled to sleep as invisible shapes were drawn on your stomach. You felt a kiss pressed to your temple and smiled slightly. “Still awake, love?”

Sleepily you nodded. “At the moment.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“What were you and Runa talking about?”

Any thoughts of sleep flew from your head. “What do you mean?”

“When the two of you walked in it was easy to see that something had upset you. Are you alright?” You nodded, not trusting your voice. “Might I remind you who you’re married to? I know when you’re lying.”

A scowl twisted your face but you knew that Loki meant well and after all that he had gone through during the past year he deserved the truth. “I’m not lying, I’m fine. It’s just…something that Runa said got into my head, that’s all.”

“What did she say?”

“She was watching us, well, mainly you with Fen. When he fell asleep.” Loki was silent as he waited for you to continue. “She said that you were good with him.”

Though you couldn’t see it you knew Loki was frowning. “Was that all? When you walked in you had this look on your face. Yes, that one.” He pulled you closer with the arm beneath your shoulders while the other continued to trace shapes on the skin of your stomach. “Talk to me, my love. It’s obvious that something is bothering you.”

Licking your lips you stared at the ceiling. “She asked if we had talked about growing our family, having children.” Loki’s hand froze. “I told her that we hadn’t truly discussed it then everything with Davlin happened. I barely feel like myself and I don’t even know if I can get pregnant and if I miscarried again, I think I would go mad and…”

“Shh…” Loki’s hand slid around your hip in an attempt to tug you closer but you resisted the motion. “Take a breath.” When he realized that you were trying to twist away he gently tightened his grip. “There’s something else weighing on your mind.” You gave an almost imperceptible nod. “You know you can talk to me. What is it?”

“You’re,” you hated the catch in your voice. “You’re a prince.”

“Yes, I’ve noticed and you are a princess. What of it?”

“A prince should have heirs, a family of his own and I…I don’t know if I can give you that.”

“Oh, love…” this time you did allow Loki to pull you closer and hid your face in his neck. “Is there something that I have said or done that brought up these feelings?”

“No but watching you with Fen, the look on your face when he fell asleep in your arms…I don’t have words for it. And I remember how you were when I was pregnant, you were so happy and I know how much you want a family but…” Your voice caught and you took a breath to steady yourself. “When I was gone, when I was lost I wished I had given you a child so if I didn’t come back you…you wouldn’t be alone.” You knew these feelings were a symptom of the darkness that still had a hold on you but at the moment you were too tired to fight them.

“Breathe.” Loki rubbed slow circles on your back until he felt you relax. “Yes, I am a prince but I am the second prince. Unless something horrific happens I will likely never be king and even then heirs are not a requirement. When you were pregnant I was in awe, shocked that someone loved me enough to even consider starting a family with me but the fates determined it was not to be.” He took a moment to swallow hard. “I love Fen, I love all of our nieces and nephews. You told me that Anneli just found out she was pregnant, right?” You nodded. “One more family member to spoil absolutely rotten. You are all of the family I will ever need. Even if there was a child for me to look after during your disappearance it wouldn’t be a substitute for you. Yes, I would love and care for them but there would always be a void that would never be filled.” He twisted until he could meet your eyes. “If it’s meant to be that we have a child then so be it, if not I am more than happy being the weird uncle.”

A surprised laugh passed your lips. “Does that make me the weird aunt?”

“Draw your own conclusions, my love.” A kiss was pressed to your forehead. “Better?”

You nodded. “Oh, there is something else we discussed.”

“What?”

“I think Fen has magic or the sight.”

“You noticed it too?”

“Yes, when he was chasing your clones. He was trying to see through them.”

“He’s going to be a handful.”

“That’s what Runa said. I let her know that as soon as he’s old enough we’d have him evaluated and find him tutors. I had to learn a lot on my own, it’s a miracle that I didn’t burn the house down.”

“Hopefully Fen doesn’t follow in your footsteps.”

“If so then it’s a good thing that you have control over ice.” A freezing hand was pressed to your back and you yelped then smacked Loki’s shoulder lightly. “Menace.”

The mage grinned then leaned down to kiss you gently. “But you love me anyway.”

“I must be mad but I do.”

Stretching, you rolled over and waved a hand to douse the witchlight which had been illuminating the room. A moment later Loki’s arm wrapped around your waist and you sighed when his hand slipped beneath your shirt once more, his fingers spreading out against the skin of your stomach. It was an unconscious gesture, you doubted that he even realized what he was doing. Since your capture he tended to make sure he was touching your skin as you slept as though to reassure himself that you were actually there and your presence next to him wasn’t a dream.

“Feel better?” Even though your mind was still racing you nodded. “I love you and I love my life as it is. Please do not worry about what may or may not happen in the future, alright?” A kiss was pressed to your shoulder. “You are my love, my princess, and I’m selfish. I’m more than content to keep you all to myself.”

Your hand covered his but sleep evaded you, your mind a jumble of thoughts and possibilities and memories. Finally exhaustion pulled you under and you fell asleep, dreaming of an uncertain future.